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#everyone should be experiencing that always and isn't it fucked up that it's only a few fortunate that feel like they do
jeonqkooks · 1 year
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our beloved summer (05) | jjk
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You made a vow to hate Jeon Jungkook ever since he packed up and left you without a single explanation, but when he shows up at your door after years of radio silence, it turns out that maybe your resolve isn't as strong as you thought.
pairing: producer!jungkook x songwriter!reader
genre/warnings: exes au, fluff, angst, eventual smut, drinking, swearing, crying, Sad Boy JK Hours ??, valentino!yoongi bc that should be a whole warning 🥵 even though he's there and not really there for literally 2 seconds lol
rating: PG-15
word count: 9.5k
note: this is the most stressed out i've ever been while trying to post a fic 💀 argh anyway, 2 obs updates in one month ?? is this even real life !! consider this a (lunar) new year's present from me to everyone who celebrates it and also to everyone who doesn't !! idk i'm bad at notes and i'm delirious so that's it 😗
series masterpost / main playlist ; interactive playlist ; moodboards ; taglist
— as always, i’d appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have, and please drop a like and/or reblog if you enjoy reading ♡
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Hey, I feel like if we gave it one night You'd hate me less and make it alright Just wish that we could fight now I'd hold you on the comedown
Rockland - Gracie Abrams
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One thing about you, is that you don’t do well with change.
After you moved out of the first apartment you got as an adult, you constantly went back to your old neighborhood even though it wasn’t close to your new place. You kept walking those familiar streets, kept shopping at the stores where the workers knew your name. At night, you still pictured yourself living there, with all of your furniture and clothes and decorations that you’ve already emptied from those old bones. Then, you imagined what the new tenant was like, if they could feel the lingering love you had for that apartment. You wondered if they were putting the coffee table you left behind to good use, or if they thought that it looked out of place among all of their belongings and had already thrown it away.
Jimin called you weird for that, but he didn’t know that you always leave a piece of yourself everywhere you go. The biggest pieces, you think, are hidden somewhere in a closet in your childhood bedroom where your mother still lives, and in the tiny space of your dorm room where you spent most of your college years.
It took you more than half a year to finally start considering your new apartment home. 
Because you hate change. Change is scary. Change is walking into a pitch-black tunnel with no flashlight, not knowing what awaits you in the darkness and not knowing if you’ll make it to the other side.
That isn’t to say that change is inherently bad. You’ve experienced good changes before. Arguably, Jungkook was a good change when he went from someone you couldn’t tolerate, to the love of your life back then. You were happy with him, so blissfully happy that for a while, you forgot what it was like to experience any other emotion.
Yoongi has always been your friend. It didn’t take you two very long to become well acquainted with one another and from there, develop a good friendship. You have never thought of him as anything other than a friend. Even when he was your boss, he still felt more like a friend.
As you sit next to him in a bar too empty for your liking – but seems right for a Tuesday night – you feel a palpable shift between the two of you.
When your phone vibrates with a notification, you glance at it only to exhale annoyedly – unclear whether this frustration is directed toward yourself, or the person blowing up your mobile; maybe it’s both. That’s the nth message that Jungkook has sent you in the last couple of hours, and you don’t need to read it to know that it’s probably another iteration of the same apology. How many different ways are there to say “Hey, I’m sorry for fucking the receptionist and then having the balls to tell you that you’re the unprofessional one when you didn’t even do anything.” Apparently a lot, because the texts just keep coming.  
“Jungkook again?” Yoongi asks from beside you. Fuck. You’ve mostly been silently moping since he brought you here, too enmeshed in your own web of muddled thoughts that you forgot he’s someone you need to make amends with too. 
You give him a nod but still continue to stare at the drink in front of you, trying to disentangle your Yoongi thoughts from your Jungkook ones. 
Taking a sip of your drink, your face manages to keep a grimace at bay as the liquid ambushes your tastebuds. You don’t like whiskey, but you need something to hate more than yourself tonight. When you set the glass down, the alcohol sloshes around like a compact sea of your own amber-colored miseries.
“I’m sorry,” you say finally. “This is unfair to you. I don’t know what came over me. I just want you to know that this isn’t me responding to…” To your confession.
“If you’re about to say what I think you’re about to say, then I have to stop you right now.”
“Yoongi…”
“I’m not saying that you can’t turn me down, although I hope you don’t do that,” he chuckles. “I’m just saying that whatever you do, whether you give me a chance or reject me, I want you to decide after you’ve really thought about it, about me.”
You can’t say no to that; it’s only fair. Yoongi knows what he deserves. You haven’t looked at him in any other way, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t. Didn’t you say it yourself, that maybe you should start putting yourself out there? Well, here is someone coming to you before you even have to look anywhere. You may not have expected Yoongi, but then, you didn’t expect Jungkook either.
Yoongi could be the good change you need.
Nevertheless, you want to tell him you’re sorry for the other night. It should be fairly simple, but the words have a hard time dislodging themselves from your throat.
“I’m sorry about what I said that night at dinner… and what I did…”
Yoongi props an elbow on the bar top and leans forward to rest his chin in the palm of his hand, his eyes glimmering with mischief. “Remind me what it is that you did again?”
“Come on, I’m serious.” You are grateful that he’s trying to keep it light, though.
“I’m serious too. I seem to have forgotten.”
“Yoongi…”
“Yes, Y/N?”
You sigh, shutting your eyes momentarily. Recalling the moment makes you flush with embarrassment, bringing a splash of color to your cheeks which Yoongi always seems to enjoy.
In a quiet voice, you say, “I’m sorry for throwing salt at you…”
“You threw salt at me!” He tips his head back, laughing freely. The bartender spares you two a glance at the sudden disruption. “You shouldn’t go around throwing salt at people!”
“Stop laughing! I’m trying to apologize.” You punch his arm out of habit and for a second there, you forget that your relationship with Yoongi isn’t the same anymore. Changed forever.
“Okay, okay, I’ll stop. Jeez, why are you so violent?” He rubs the spot where you hit him, muttering under his breath something about him bruising like a peach. “Apology accepted. No hard feelings.”
“Okay, good. But I still want you to know that if you were expecting anything from tonight…”
Yoongi ruffles your hair with a scoff. “I’m not that dense. Of course I’m not expecting anything.” When you peer at him with curious and unsure eyes, he continues, “Y/N, earlier you looked like you wanted to set the place on fire and Jungkook looked like he was about to shit himself. Tonight, I’m just a friend who’s here for you if you want to vent. We’re just two buddies having a drink, that’s all.”
He makes it sound so simple, while your brain is already going haywire.
Despite yourself, you chuckle at his words. You tell him how much you appreciate it, though you don’t really tell him anything about what happened this afternoon, just that Jungkook said some stuff that pissed you off. You can’t tell him exactly what Jungkook did to anger you without alluding to the confession for which Yoongi is letting you off the hook for now.
“Do you wanna come with me tomorrow?” Yoongi asks.
“Come with you where?”
“I have a shoot with Valentino in the morning.”
“You have a photoshoot not even 12 hours from now and you’re here drinking? Aren’t you gonna wake up puffy or something?”
“Yeah, my manager would kill me if she knows what I’m doing,” he replies casually, like his manager has a telepathic connection with him and she can sense him mocking her over a drink. When people see Agust D, they tend to only see the icy exterior that he dons. That tough, maybe even callous, image has sustained him in the entertainment industry for years. For many, Agust D seems intimidating and unapproachable. That’s how you felt when you first met him too. But after a while, you got to see Min Yoongi, and Min Yoongi is nothing if not warm and tender-hearted, even if he’s a little shit sometimes. At least, that’s what he has always been like to you. “She thinks I’m getting my beauty sleep right now.”
You lightly snort at that, telling him, “Yeah, you need it.”
When you start to yawn, Yoongi calls a driver to drop you off at your place. The ride is mostly silent, because you’re tired and because you’re not sure what to say to Yoongi in the presence of a stranger taking you home. The car pulls up to your building soon enough, and before you can step out and tell him goodnight, he offers to walk you up. He takes the elevator with you to your floor, how gallant but unnecessary. When you reach your door, you wonder whether you should invite him in for a glass of water or something. If this was a week – or even just a couple of days – earlier, you would’ve had no reason to hesitate.  He doesn’t ask if he can come in but instead takes one of your hands.
“I see you’ve been giving yourself some TLC. They’re a lot better now,” he comments, smoothing his thumb over your skin. You’ve been diligent with your hand care routine since he gave you that lotion. It feels nice, and it smells amazing. Besides, your hands were starting to hurt anyway.
Silence descends upon the two of you as you become aware of Yoongi touching you, and the weight of the answer you’ve yet to give him. He must feel you stiffen, because he lets you go and smiles.
“Relax, princess. Get some sleep, you’re the one who needs it. I said I’ll let you think about it, didn’t I? Stop stressing so much.” His index finger taps your cheek playfully, so familiar yet so foreign at the same time. The wink that he tacks on makes you roll your eyes. You watch Yoongi make his way to the elevator, step in and press the button for the ground floor. He maintains eye contact with you as he waits for the doors to shut, and you don’t think you’ve really noticed before how Yoongi carries himself with such confidence and poise even when he’s off-camera. That’s just the kind of person he is and it’s… kind of attractive.
You can’t even fish around in your bag for your keys, you just stand there because he keeps your gaze trained on him. His eyes are alluring even under the shitty lighting of your building’s elevator. Before the lift closes, his voice carries over from the metal box to your door, and you don’t know if it’s the echo of his low timbre in the empty hallway that makes you shiver, or if it’s just Yoongi.
“I’ve waited this long, what’s a little more time?”
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One week. This is a record for you and Taehyung.
You’re still baffled by his attitude that night, and no one has cleared anything up for you. He was right, but that doesn’t mean you were wrong. You stand by your initial reaction. Could anyone really blame you for that? In your defense, who the fuck could believe that a worldclass megastar has romantic feelings for them? Not to mention that the person whom the megastar in question has feelings for is you! You, the pathetic girl who can’t seem to get over her ex. Yoongi had to sit through a whole hour of you drunkenly crying over Jungkook, for fuck’s sake!
That really wasn’t your best moment, but it’s not like you even remember it anyway.
Your phone buzzes to life with Jimin’s face taking over the whole screen – a photo of your hand squishing his full cheeks until his lips jut out. “Hey Minnie,” you greet him once you’ve swiped to accept the call.
“Y/N,” he says, sounding out of breath. “Where are you?”
“I’m at home. Where are you? Are you doing pull-ups again? You know you practically hyperventilate when you do more than 3.”
“Shut up, I’m at dance practice. But listen, have you talked to Tae yet?”
You purse your lips at the mention of his name. “No. We’re supposed to go grocery shopping tomorrow like we always do, but I guess that won’t be happening.”
Jimin hums, like he’s in thought. He doesn’t speak again until his breathing has calmed. “Well, can you go to his place right now?”
“Why?”
“He’s sick and I’m kind of worried about him. He hasn’t answered my messages.”
You frown. “Tae’s sick?”
“Yeah, he must’ve caught a cold the other day. Could you go over there and check on him? I would go but I can’t leave for another few hours.”
You agree to go, because of course you would. Even if you’re stubborn and hot-headed, no amount of pettiness could make you ignore your friends especially when they’re unwell and need somebody. Especially when it’s Taehyung who’s been there for you so many times.
You stay on the call with Jimin for another ten whole minutes even after you have said you would go, because he keeps droning on and on about how shitty Taehyung looked yesterday.
Before you go to your best friend’s apartment, you stop by your regular diner to pick up some comfort food for him, and the pharmacy for some medicine. During the rest of the drive there, you start getting a little worried. When Taehyung takes care of a sick you or Jimin, he practically goes into full mama bear mode, making sure that you’re as comfortable as humanly possible and not leaving your side until you’re a functional human being again. But when it comes to his own wellbeing, Taehyung doesn’t seem to be that concerned. It’s not that he neglects his health, but you wish that he would show himself the same kindness that he shows you.
It feels weird to use the spare key that you have to his place, considering that you aren’t really on speaking terms. In hindsight, it feels so childish. How old are you to still be pulling the silent treatment on each other? 
You ring the doorbell and wait a couple minutes until you hear Taehyung shuffling to get the door from the other side. When it swings open, he tenses up a bit, not expecting to see you at all. His hair is damp; he must’ve just gotten out of the shower. Taehyung doesn’t look as bad as Jimin described though. Just some dark circles under his eyes.
You raise a hand and wave. “Hi.”
“Hi,” he parrots somewhat awkwardly. It’s understandable; neither of you thought you’d be the one to break the ice. “What are you doing here?”
Bringing your other hand up, you show him the bag you’re holding. “Brought you soup and cold meds. Jimin said you’re sick.”
His brows knit together in confusion. “Thanks…” he says slowly, “but I’m not sick?”
“But Jimin said you caught a cold and you’ve been wheezing like a dying fisherman and–” You purse your lips, catching onto what’s really happening here. “He tricked me, didn’t he?”
Park Jimin…
Taehyung tuts under his breath, shaking his head at the ground. “Mhmm.”
“He could go into acting. He sounded really worried on the phone, like you were on the verge of death.”
“No, yeah, he really could,” Taehyung agrees. “Jimin is bizarrely good at lying sometimes. We should be worried about that.”
You laugh, and that makes him feel like the air is relaxed enough for him to laugh too. It only lasts a few seconds before you’re left staring at each other again. You hate it. You really, really hate it.
You thought that the universe sent you a sign, gave you a reason to come over and make nice with your best friend. Turns out that “the universe” is really just Park Jimin and his scheming tongue. But you’re already here, and you have to talk to him eventually. Jimin might have lied, but you would’ve just waited for Taehyung to reach out first to offer an olive branch anyway.
“Well, can I come in?” you ask. It’s weird that you even have to ask.
“Of course,” he says absentmindedly, stepping to one side to let you in. He takes the bag from your hand and brings it to the kitchen while you kick off your shoes and change into the pair of fuzzy bear slippers that he keeps for you here.
You want to tell him what happened as much as you hate admitting that you were wrong.
“Have you eaten?” you ask, a sad attempt at delaying what will inevitably come.
“No,” comes his simple reply.
“Should we eat? I bought enough for two people.”
“But I’m not sick.”
“You don’t have to be sick to eat chicken noodle soup.”
Taehyung looks at you like the thought has genuinely never crossed his mind. “Interesting… Okay, then.”
You put on an episode of your favorite show while he heats up the food. When you both sit down to eat, it’s mostly silent while the TV continues to play. The most you and Taehyung thing that you exchange in these 30 minutes is him saying soup tastes like shit when you’re not actually sick, and you telling him to stop being such a hater. When you both finish, Taehyung rinses the bowls and puts them in his dishwasher. 
Before you came over, you thought you would only be making him eat, take his meds, and sit there for a bit while he sleeps. If you had known this would happen, you would’ve prepared yourself for it.
But then again, you were tricked into coming.
Ugh. Just do it. You are so freaking dramatic.
“Well,” you start, keeping your voice light and trying not to stand around like you’re out of place in his apartment, “you were right.”
“About what?” Taehyung asks, wiping his hands on a towel. 
“About Yoongi and… all that.”
“Oh.” His expression is one you aren’t too familiar with. There’s surprise – yes, that you’re making peace with him – in the way his brows slightly lift, but there’s something else too. Something odd that you can’t quite put a finger on, and it makes you slightly uneasy because you don’t like it when you can’t read Taehyung. 
He’s pretty quick to mask it, and it makes you even more conscious that there’s something he isn’t telling you. Of course, this feeling is miniscule, practically a seed compared to the blooming garden of nerves that the events of these past few days have dumped upon you, so you can’t categorize it as a high-level priority to nitpick. You need to deal with your main concerns first, aka what to do about Yoongi and Jungkook, both individually and together, and then you can begin to inspect what’s going on with Taehyung.
It all sounds so easy in theory.
Taehyung goes to the couch and you wordlessly follow. You sit down when he pats the spot next to him – your spot. “How did you come to that conclusion?” he asks. “You know I don’t get to hear you tell me I’m right very often.”
Because you aren’t right very often, is what you almost say. It’s light and playful, and you both know it would diffuse the leftover tension, but you chuck the words aside in favor of something more serious. There isn’t that much to catch him up on, but there is a lot to unpack from the few things that did transpire over the last few days.
You give him a recap of what happened with Yoongi and subsequently what happened with Jungkook. Those are the two things weighing the most on your mind. You haven’t really processed anything; blame it on Yoongi for telling you that you have time to think things through.
One thing you love about Taehyung is that he doesn’t tell you what to do, but rather helps you sort things out on your own. Come to think of it, these conversations often take place on his couch. He’s like your own personal therapist at this point.
“Can you give me a hug?” You probably can’t ask a licensed therapist to do this, though.
He softens even more with a smile. Opening his arms, he says, “C’mere.”
You shuffle over to sink into his embrace. You sigh as you practically melt in his hold. Taehyung is a little bony, but hugging him feels exactly like hugging a giant teddy bear. He’s soft, and always knows how to hold you just tight enough, how to stroke your hair the way you like, how to be just the comforting presence you need amidst a whirlwind of anxious thoughts. And he smells like jasmine, though that might be because you keep deliberately gifting him colognes with scents that you like.
With your chin perched on his shoulder, you feel yourself start to relax, walls coming down if only briefly.
“You okay?” Taehyung asks after a moment.
You’re suddenly aware that you’re crying. You don’t know how it started, but now that the waterworks have begun, it seems like there’s no stopping. “No,” you sniffle. “Can I just…”
You feel him exhale. “Of course.”
Taehyung is one of the few people – oh who are you kidding? He might be the only one – whom you feel comfortable enough around to let yourself cry to your heart’s content. 
You’ve been feeling it for days now, even before all that shit happened. Every cell in your body is constantly vibrating, with anxiety, with guilt, with a heaviness that sinks into your bones. You’re shaking even when your hands are perfectly still. People, memories, thoughts you keep only to yourself – they all phase through you, not giving you a single moment to catch your breath.
When it rains, it pours.
Everything is weighing you down like someone has tied you to an anchor and pushed you into the unrelenting, unforgiving water. Grief is an ocean and you don’t know how to swim. Your job, your friends, the unbridled mess that you call a love life… Everything is changing and you’re the same. You’re different, but somehow still the same. Deep down, you’re still that scared little girl who doesn’t know what to make of the world. Your knees are bleeding but your mother is telling you not to cry. Why can’t you cry when you’re hurting? Every minute feels like a lifetime but every day feels like it’s going by in two seconds. Things are moving so fast. Things are moving too slow. You can’t remember the last time you actually cried. Really cried. Bawled. Sobbed. Let out all the dirt until you can see your roots again. Until you originate back to being a blank canvas. Sometimes it feels like that’s the only way that can help you see things more clearly. Your vision might blur for a while but afterward, it’ll have washed everything away. At least a little bit. So you can get your footing again.
You miss clarity, or the illusion that you have any control over your life. You miss looking out the window and have something to look forward to, even on overcast days where the sun can’t be bothered to bring you light. You miss hearing your heart beat a melody that doesn’t ache, doesn’t rattle you to the core. Pieces of you have been held together by nothing but tape and glue for the longest time. Eventually, they’ll deteriorate, and you’ll go back to being skin and bones always on the verge of falling apart.
Some of your best writing was never meant for anybody to hear. The best lines that you’ve scribbled down are diary entries disguised as music, as poetry. They’re results of your lowest and weakest moments, it just happens that there was a journal lying around and you thought that if you had to keep all that sadness inside for a second longer, you would burst. Those immortalized lines represent your heartbreak, your self-hatred, your sorrow and your grief. They come from a lifetime of unshed tears, from the burden of having a heart that feels too much but is always silenced. Words are your escape when time rushes through you like a child skipping stones. Everything hurts all the time but no one knows and you don’t bother explaining to anyone how you wish you could be a different person living a different life because it seems like the universe has made a mistake with this one. How it feels like a divine power has miscalculated and misread your false stoicism as resilience. Just because a person carries it well doesn’t mean they have to carry it at all. 
Sometimes you like to muse that if anyone could catch a glimpse of what it’s like inside, they’d think, Wow. How are you holding all of that weight? How are you so silent through it all? How do you live with an ache so allconsuming that I can hardly see you underneath it?
It’s the only way you know how to express yourself. But even then, when you’re screaming and burning, you’re still quiet. Those words are your heart on paper, raw and bleeding all over the place, covered in a million cracks that no one can see or even pay enough attention to notice. They’re there whether anybody likes it or not. They’re right there, red ink staining white pages, begging in a voice small like a child asking for love. Please see me. I’m here. Nobody taught me how to swim. Please see me.
But nobody does. They walk past you every day. They sit with you, smile at you and laugh with you. They leave you. They stay. They break your heart. Even when they love you, nobody sees you.
You love Taehyung, but you don’t think he understands. He knows you better than almost everyone in this world and he tries to help you in any way he can, but at the end of the day, maybe this isn’t something that a person can understand even if they want to. It’s worse, to realize that perhaps it isn’t because people don’t care enough to see it, but that no matter how hard they try, they can’t.
The only person who has ever come the closest is Jungkook, with his big doe eyes that always see through you and see into you. Sometimes, you think there might be parts of you that he could see but you still don’t. He knew things about yourself that you never want anybody to find out, and he loved you anyway. He went the lengths that nobody ever did because they all gave up after a while. Someone once told you that you felt like a fortress wall impossible to climb, that nobody had the time, the patience to wait for you. In other words, you weren’t worth it. Not worthless, just not worth the effort it would take to break down your walls.
But Jungkook showed up and tried, every day. The one person that you never saw coming. You might have resisted at first, but then you became his biggest supporter. You were rooting for him to know you, how fucked up is that? You were right there. He was so close.
And then he stopped.
You suppose that’s what makes everything awful now – to know that you should let go of him when he’s the only person who ever came that close.
You don’t know how long Taehyung has had to sit here, comforting you like this, but at one point, your stomach starts growling and you feel your best friend trying to hold back a giggle. Jungkook might have mastered the art of loving you, but Taehyung is an expert at comforting you.
“Shut up.” You wipe away the dampness on your cheeks with the back of your hand and push Taehyung off. “Crying makes me hungry.”
“Should I order us fried chicken then?”
“And soju. Get some soju too.”
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Jimin is a strategic trickster. There was no dance practice. He just ran around his apartment ten times until his breathing turned ragged, which if you ask anyone, was completely unnecessary. He��s very extra, but at least it was effective.
After he got off the phone with you, Jimin immediately went to your shared phone tracker app – today was one of those times where it proves to be the most useful. He stared at the little circle with a silly photo of you as it moved from your address to Taehyung’s with a couple pit stops along the way. Jimin giggled to himself when he saw your circle meet Taehyung’s, because at that point you two must have realized already that you’d been swindled. Of course, there was always a chance of you leaving the moment you figured out you had come all that way for no reason at all, but when Jimin saw after a couple of hours that the two circles are still next to each other, he knew that you and Taehyung made up already.
Jimin sends a message to your group chat, a simple hello but Taehyung knows what he’s trying to get at. The text thread shared by the three of you lights up with a selfie of you and Taehyung each holding a chicken drumstick and wearing a content smile. In the background, there are some soju bottles, a box of chicken and some fries.
Jimin doesn’t question why your eyes look a little puffier than usual. He just replies with a smiley emoji and a thumbs up. The triumph of his mini victory almost makes him forget that there’s someone else in his home.
Jungkook peeks over Jimin’s shoulder to peek at his phone, curious to see what’s making his friend so delighted. When he sees you and Taehyung on Jimin’s screen, he sinks again, heart sitting in the pit of his stomach. The words you told him just the day before ring loud in his ears, as if they haven’t been stuck on his mind, playing on a loop. 
You’re such a fucking hypocrite.
You weren’t wrong, but man, did that feel like a punch in the gut.
He goes to sit across from Jimin, taking note of every single sound that notifies his friend of a new message. For the first time, he feels like an outsider, like he’s intruding on a private moment.
“I fucked up,” Jungkook admits quietly, cracking open a can of beer and taking a long sip. It makes Jimin look up and put away his phone. “With Y/N,” Jungkook clarifies.
“Yeah, I’ve been informed. That was the stupidest thing you’ve done in a while.”
“In a while? When was the last time I did something stupid?”
Jimin doesn’t even have to think about it. He answers right away, “When you left her.”
Jungkook hums, unclear whether the noise is meant in agreement or just in acknowledgment. His tongue darts out to swipe across his dry lips before he breathes out. “I don’t know what to do. She hasn’t replied to any of my texts. I feel like a fucking asshole.”
“From what I’ve been told, you were a fucking asshole,” Jimin says lightly, his words emphasized with a chuckle like he finds Jungkook’s predicament so funny. “I can’t believe you would say that shit about Yoongi to her right after he confessed.”
Cue a pregnant pause, and a pair of doe eyes staring right into Jimin’s skull, unable to decipher if what he’s hearing is a joke or not.
“Yoongi– what?”
Jimin slaps himself internally. Shit. It slipped, he swears. “Nothing,” he sighs, but he knows it wouldn’t be dropped so easily.
“No. Not nothing,” Jungkook sits up straight and puts his chilled beer down on the table, missing the coaster entirely just to piss off his friend. “The fuck do you mean Yoongi confessed? Confessed what?”
Jimin sighs with pursed lips. “What else? What do you think he confessed to?”
Jungkook gulps, and blinks a few times. When? Why? Was that the reason you looked so distraught yesterday before all that shit went down between you and him? Who confesses to someone in a freaking break room?
Then Jungkook remembers that you and Yoongi went out for drinks last night. What did he say? What did you say? His stomach churns at the thought of something… happening between the two of you.
Jimin takes in his friend’s dumbfounded expression. “Why are you shocked?” he asks. “I thought you expected something like this. Isn’t it why you spewed all that crap about Yoongi flirting with her?”
“Fuck, I don’t know! It feels like the guy is out to get me for some goddamn reason. I thought he was just playing with Y/N to piss me off!”
Jimin shakes his head, looking thoughtful. “Yoongi wouldn’t do that to her.”
“How would you know?”
“Because when they first worked together, from the things that she told us, the stuff that Yoongi would do for her, Taehyung and I thought he liked her back then too,” Jimin says. “This has nothing to do with you.”
It sucks. It fucking sucks.
“Should I go over there?” Jungkook asks, a newfound sense of urgency in his voice that borderlines panic. He’s acting like this fact that Jimin just dumped upon him is unraveling just as this conversation is taking place, but in reality, he’s one of the last people to know. 
“And tell her what? If you’ve said sorry a million times and she hasn’t responded, then saying it one more time won’t change anything.”
“What am I supposed to do when I see her tomorrow?”
“Nothing? Are you incapable of leaving things alone? If she wants to ignore you, let her ignore you. If she wants to yell at you, let her yell at you. If she wants nothing to do with you, let her do that too. Why do you keep making things worse for yourself?”
Jungkook runs a frustrated hand through his hair. “So your solution is for me to just let her hate me?”
Jimin levels him with a look, which just annoys him even more. “You had no problem with that before.”
“If you’re not gonna help me, should I ask Taehyung then?”
“Don’t go to Tae about this.”
“Why not?”
“Just don’t,” Jimin snaps, and it makes Jungkook falter for a few seconds before the petulance in him clouds his better judgment.
“Why? He’s her best friend. They’re practically joined at the hip. He’s gotta be able to help me with this.”
“You really want to go to Taehyung for advice on how to suck up to your ex-girlfriend? He’s the most protective of her. What makes you think he would be willing to help you?”
“He’s my friend too, isn’t he? Shouldn’t he want to help all of us be civil with each other?”
“Yeah, he’s your friend. I’m your friend and Y/N’s too. And you’re right, all of us should get along, but we shouldn’t be put in a situation where we’d have to try. You did that to us and nothing is going to be the same again. I don’t even know why you did it. You kept your mouth shut for years no matter how hard me and Taehyung tried to get it out of you. Now you suddenly can’t make peace with the consequences of your actions? Now you want us to help you win over the person you fucked over, who is also our closest friend? I don’t get you, JK. I’m starting to regret not letting Taehyung punch you back then.”
Jungkook stares at his friend. Is this shock that he’s feeling? He still remembers that night, because he doesn’t forget a lot of things. He can’t forget it. He had never seen Taehyung – who is usually so calm and cordial – get that angry before. His friend, who is a saint of a man, felt so much rage toward Jungkook that Jimin had to physically hold him back.
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” Jimin asks. “You’re not used to me not being on your side all the time?”
He knows that. The only person who seems to be on Jungkook’s side is himself, and sometimes he isn’t sure if this is even true at all. What you told him at the dance studio’s opening party, what Jimin is telling him now, and even the things that Taehyung shouted at him a couple of years back – it’s all true. He knows these things already, but it feels different to hear them from other people. You’re all right; nobody is overreacting. To an outsider, it might come across as harsh, but to anyone who knows anything, it’s rightfully deserved.
Nevertheless, Jungkook admits quietly, “Actually, yeah.”
Jimin sighs, because he knows that his friend has no malicious intent toward you or toward anyone. Jimin knows that Jungkook doesn’t mean to hurt you, any more than he already has. Jungkook is even more crazed now that Yoongi is somehow a factor in all of this. It’s the insecurities bubbling at the surface. He’s panicking and he can’t even see straight. This is just his own stupid take on fight or flight. It was flight for a while, and now apparently it’s not. Jimin doesn’t really understand it, but he gets that this is his friend’s way of dealing with shit. “I tried, man. I did. But it’s really, really hard to have your back on this.”
Jungkook is well aware of it too – that to leave you alone is probably the best thing he can do at this point. Everything he says or does seems to backfire; instead of pulling you closer, all he manages to do is push you further away and make you hate him more than you already do. 
But in a way, isn’t that a good thing? Better to have you hate him than be indifferent toward him. After all, there’s a thin line between love and hate. You yourself blurred this line long ago. You can do it again, can’t you?
Jungkook sits there for a while longer to finish his beer, even though he doesn’t have anything else to say. It’s clear what Jimin’s stance on this is, and no matter what he says, it’s unlikely that anyone will help him try and get back in your good graces. 
Before he leaves, Jimin says something that makes him nauseous. Makes him want to fucking cry and kick something and speed over to your apartment just so you could reassure Jungkook that he’s still the one you hate the most. That all of your feelings, whether they’re good or bad, are still reserved for him and only him.
It isn’t what his best friend should tell him, but it’s what a good friend would say. It's not about Jungkook, it's not about Jimin or Taehyung or anyone else. It's about you, who has been hurt the most here.
“If she wants to choose Yoongi, let her do that too.”
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[10:48] Yoongi: Attachment: 2 Images.
[10:49] Yoongi: got yelled at for showing up puffy yesterday
You tap on the notifications and the photos pop up within seconds. It’s Yoongi at his Valentino shoot probably. He never used to send you stuff like this, nor asked you to come watch him at his photoshoots. Why would he? 
You zoom in on his face to inspect if he really was puffy, but you can’t really tell. Maybe if you were a makeup artist with a sharper eye, you would see it. But under your regular-person gaze, everything seemed fine. Yoongi looked handsome in the pictures.
[10:55] You: you don’t look puffy to me
[10:57] Yoongi: so how do i look to you? ;)
[10:58] You: the fits look good
[11:01] Yoongi: i wasn’t asking about the fits
[11:05] You: and i’m telling you the fits look good anyway
[11:07] Yoongi: what about the model?
[11:10] You: are you fishing for compliments?
[11:11] Yoongi: what if i am?
[11:14] You: the model looks Not Puffy
[11:16] Yoongi: you’re no fun ;(
You consider your next reply for a moment. It doesn’t seem like that big a deal. You want to send it. It seems innocent enough, and it’s the truth. A simple praise can’t hurt, right?
Your fingertips tingle just typing the words out. You’re suddenly so jittery for some reason as your thumb hovers over the arrow symbol that would whoosh away your message. It's a good kind of jittery. You might even say that you’re excited.
[11:22] You: the model looks good too
You put your phone face-down on the table, not even checking when it vibrates with Yoongi’s response to your latest text. It’s so weird that you’re feeling like this, maybe because it’s been so long since someone has shown an actual interest in you? Or is it because it’s Yoongi? If it were anyone else, would you still react the same?
It’s weird, but not necessarily weird in a bad way. You just aren’t used to it, or it’s been such a long time that you forgot what it feels like to be… wanted? You don’t think about it often but it’s true, you’ve missed the thrill of being chased.
“So… word on the street is you have a secret song.”
Seokjin’s voice makes you glance up, wondering who he could be talking to when the only people in the room beside him are you and Jungkook – whom you haven’t spoken a word to all morning despite him glancing not-so-subtly at you every two seconds. When you got here this morning, there was already a chai latte on the table with your name on it. The order was too specific for it to be Seokjin, but you didn’t say anything.
“The street?” you ponder for a moment, knowing exactly who the culprit is. “Is that what Yoongi calls himself these days? He’s been here for what? A couple weeks? And he’s already blabbed to you.”
“So it’s true?” Seokjin leans back in his chair, a mischievous glint in his eyes. “Yoongi said it’s real good. Top shelf kinda stuff. And you know he never says things like that.”
It’s not a song, or at least that isn’t what you would call it. Maybe more like an essay composed of sentences that go together like misfit puzzle pieces. You don’t think you would ever rework it and pitch it to anyone because it’s yours and it’s personal. You would never tell anyone about it, and Yoongi wouldn’t have come to know about its existence if he hadn’t stumbled across it in your journal by accident.
“Don’t listen to Yoongi,” you say. “At this point, I feel like you should know that Yoongi tends to exaggerate sometimes.”
“He never seems to be exaggerating when it comes to you,” Seokjin muses. You almost blush, thinking about what else Yoongi could’ve told Seokjin. He doesn’t notice the split second in which your cheeks redden just the slightest, or he doesn’t mind it enough to comment. “What’s the title?”
You shrug, saying nothing.
“You can’t even tell me the title? Damn, Y/N. Are you the CIA?”
“I’m not telling you because there is no title. There’s not even a song, just something I go back to sometimes. It’s mostly just word vomit. I promise you, it’s nothing.”
“Tell that to Yoongi. He told me whoever’s gonna get that song is one hell of a lucky bastard.”
Again, what is it with the praise? You know working with Yoongi and being associated with his last album gave your career a boost, but you weren’t aware that he was talking about you with other people. Maybe he only does it with Seokjin because they’re close, but still, it makes you itch with curiosity.
“By any chance are you gonna give it to… me?” Seokjin asks, and seems to immediately hear how flawed it sounds. You stare at him blankly, trying to bite back an amused smile, and even Jungkook turns his head to look too. Seokjin’s ears turn red in an instant. “Okay, that came out kinda wrong. I’m really, really sorry. But you know what I mean.”
You continue to stare at him until his face is so flushed, you swear he’s like a tomato that’s about to burst. You can see why Yoongi likes to tease people this way. “Okay, boss,” you acquiesce with a laugh, relieving Seokjin of the fear that he genuinely offended you. “If the song ever gets to see the light of day, I’ll make sure to ask you to lend your voice.”
“Ah, so you admit it’s a song.” He grins brightly at your empty promise, making you roll your eyes half-heartedly. He goes back to his normal shade in a minute, no longer ridiculously red like a cartoon character. “What’s it about?”
You ponder his question silently, missing the way Jungkook takes this moment to glance at you. When you look up again, he’s already averting his gaze.
What is it about? That’s a question that you yourself have never really considered. It’s about everything and it’s about nothing. It’s love, it’s loss, it’s the infinite in-between. You give Seokjin an answer that won’t satisfy him, but it’s the truth.
“I haven’t figured it out yet. I’ll let you know when I do.”
He tuts at you, like he was expecting the obscurity from you anyway. “You’re really not beating the CIA allegations,” he says.
You flip him the bird, which only compels him to stick out his tongue and make a face at you. Then, he diverts his attention to the person who hasn’t contributed anything this whole time.
“JK, why are you so quiet today? We’re not gonna eat you.”
Jungkook mutters something to Seokjin that you don’t quite catch because the words come out of his mouth like an inarticulate mess, which is so unlike him. He sounds jumpy, like he’s too nervous to speak in front of you. Seokjin’s eyes land on you again as he mouths a confused What?
You just shrug, and Seokjin has to take Jungkook’s weird response as him having an off day. The man checks his phone, lets out a quiet whine, then addresses the both of you. “I have a shoot this afternoon so you two will have to hold down the fort, by the way.”
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You come back from your solo lunch date to an empty studio.
Well, almost empty. There’s something new that wasn’t there before.
Another chai latte waiting for you equates to another apology hoping to be acknowledged. The paper cup is still hot when your hand reaches out to touch it. You sink into your chair with a sigh. You could laugh at yourself for feeling so nostalgic at the sight of a beverage in the middle of a workday.
Jungkook walks in about 15 minutes later, and the air turns suffocating at his arrival. He feels it too, you know he does. 
You chew on your bottom lip until it starts to hurt, bite down on it until it almost bleeds.
“Jungkook,” you say, catching his attention. It looks like he didn’t expect you to initiate any conversation. It’s not like you want to, but you have to. You keep having to do this, because he just wouldn’t listen. “Stop buying me drinks.”
It translates to: Stop saying sorry. Stop trying to make things right. Stop doing things you think would make me happy. Stop making me have the same argument with you over and over again.
“Because you wouldn’t hear me out,” he says, and proceeds to repeat the one thing that you’re sick of hearing from him. “I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing,” you verbalize it. “If it’s not about work, I don’t think it’s necessary for me to hear it, Jungkook. I don’t want to hear it.”
“You do need to hear it. Because I can’t function properly until you know how sorry I am.”
“Well, that sounds like a you problem.”
“Y/N.”
“What?”
“Hear me out,” he says, sounding a little firmer now but you still catch the crack in his voice. “Please.”
Jungkook must take the way you hesitate to shut down him as reluctant permission for him to keep going, because he stands up and moves to a spot closer to you. Not close enough that he could reach out and touch you, but enough for you to see the tiny mole under his bottom lip and how it quivers when he looks at you.
Fuck. You’re letting him win again.
“Okay, fine. Talk then. I’m listening. You’re sorry, right? You keep saying you’re sorry for everything, but what exactly is everything? What are you even sorry about? Are you sorry about annoying me right now, or are you sorry about being a prick the other day, or are you sorry about leaving me five years ago? When did you become this pathetic, Jungkook?”
“W–what?”
“When did you become so pathetic?” you repeat. “If you had to come back, couldn’t you come back as someone better? Someone who’s sure of himself and has a good life, not this… person who has to grovel at my feet for forgiveness. Even when you were at your lowest, you weren’t like this. I don’t even know who this Jungkook is. What happened to you?”
If you think that you saw him at his lowest, then you’re wrong. He didn’t hit rock bottom until he’d left you and had to live with what he chose to do. 
“You’re right. I am pathetic,” Jungkook agrees, dropping his gaze to the floor like he’s ashamed. “But fuck, I’m trying to be worthy of you.”
It’s a truth that he doesn’t want to face, doesn’t want to admit how very real it is until you’ve just said it and it fucking guts him. He knows his friends pity him sometimes, even if they don’t want to view him as someone to be pitied. No matter how much of a front he puts up, he knows that Jimin and Taehyung see right through him. They won’t say it to his face, and for that Jungkook has gotten away with avoiding this fact for so long. But to hear it from you, to watch you spell it out for him, it hurts.
He wants to mention Yoongi, but he doesn’t know how to phrase it in a way that wouldn’t immediately aggravate you. After all, bringing up Yoongi is what got him into this mess, isn’t it?
Regardless, he wants to ask you a question that he already knows the answer to. What does Yoongi have that he doesn’t? The answer is: A lot of things. Yoongi has a lot of things that Jungkook doesn’t, one of them being the self-assurance to not run away when it comes to you and what you deserve.
He wants to ask, but he doesn’t, because he’s scared it might drive you right into Yoongi’s arms and Jungkook can’t compete with a man like that.
He can barely keep up even with just himself in the running.
There’s a big question mark that pops up in your head, along with a slight sting in your eyes that you blink away. You’ve never seen Jungkook like this before. This whole time, was it not only you who was miserable?
He looks so small that it breaks your heart. For once, you aren’t sad for yourself but you’re sad for him. It never occurred to you that he could’ve been lonely too, having to keep all of this inside because you know he didn’t share it with anyone else. You catch a glimpse of him again, like you did when you were making ramen together in your kitchen while a storm was raging outside. In a lot of ways, Jungkook is still that kid stuck in an adult’s body, lost and scared and loved you. It feels like you could’ve seen him in the same ocean while you were just trying to keep your head above water.
The sight of him, so vulnerable and astray, placates you. Your resolve crumbles, but not like it was ever that strong to begin with. You suppose you could see why he was being a jerk to you. Even though it doesn’t justify what he said, you understand just a little bit where he was coming from. You find yourself forgiving him for some of it. It’s part of letting things go, right?
But no matter how much you want to reach out and comfort him, you know you shouldn’t. What are you supposed to do in a situation like this? You’re confused and it feels like you two have been going around in a circle, looking for a solution that doesn’t seem to exist.
Coexisting doesn’t work. Telling him to leave things alone doesn’t work. What else can you do?
Why do you have to resolve a problem that isn’t even yours? Jungkook says he’s trying, but his efforts keep making your life harder and harder. You practically blew up in his face, then apologized for being harsh even though you were fully aware that you had nothing to be sorry for. You called him a hypocrite and now you’re ready to cave just because he’s on the verge of shedding a few tears. This constant back and forth between your anger and your reluctance to see that anger through is possibly the thing that’s hindering you.
You can’t – and shouldn’t – accommodate him anymore. You have to put your foot down, no matter how difficult it is with the lingering ghost of your past love.
Because you’re always weak when it comes to Jungkook.
Because you’re still holding onto something.
Because Jungkook will always be the first person that you have ever loved, and those four years meant a lot to you even if they didn’t to him. Maybe it’s even fair to say that you might never truly get over it, and that doesn’t have to be such a terrible thing. Maybe he was never the person you thought he was, or maybe you never meant as much to him as he did to you. Somehow, that’s okay. It’s manageable because it’s routine at this point. You’ve internalized it. The years have taught you that sometimes, things get shitty just because they can and you just have to deal with it.
The intrinsic pain of the human experience. C’est la vie.
What a world this is.
Is it bad that you’re thinking about Yoongi in a moment like this?
Yoongi could be your future, if you’d let him.
You should let him. Maybe this is your answer right here. 
“Jungkook, let’s stop.” He looks at you with crestfallen eyes, but you have to keep going. The only way out is through. “Let’s stop. You want me to listen to you, but you haven’t been listening to me. I don’t have the strength to keep this up anymore, and I have told you that repeatedly but you wouldn’t listen. Jungkook, move on.”
You pretend not to notice how his lip trembles even more. “What if I don’t want to move on?”
This feels like a conversation that should’ve happened ages ago. Five years ago, you should’ve screamed at him, cried with him, held each other as you both fell apart. He stripped you of that right and gave you no say at all.
“You’re being awfully selfish,” you tell him, but in your head, you’re already thinking about what his words actually mean. 
“Have you completely written me off then? Is there nothing at all that I can do? Because I would do anything if you asked. You know that.”
Your throat is so dry that it feels like you’re swallowing sand. You dig everything back up again until you find the memory of that day hidden at the very bottom.
It’s terrible. He’s making you relive it again.
“I remember calling for you and you didn’t even look back,” you say, but your voice breaks toward the end. “I can’t trust you anymore.”
Jungkook just stares at you then, and for the longest time, neither of you say anything. This is the first time that you two have addressed the problem, properly addressed it instead of half-heartedly sweeping it under the rug like you tried to do. 
You breathe in, he breathes out. You hate the way you feel, and you resent the way he looks like he’s breaking down just as badly. There are tears in those eyes, tears that Jungkook doesn’t let spill because he defiantly wipes them away with the back of his hand after a moment. 
When he speaks next, you want the world to end.
“Then I’ll earn your trust back. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I will.”
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— all rights reserved © jeonqkooks. reposting, translating and/or modifying is not permitted by any means. [posted january 21, 2023]
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daevstroders · 2 months
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i was smoking some top tier jake english crack ln and had some thoughts and much to ponder when i woke up so have some alloaro jake musings under the cut.
there is always the underlying element of not right not enough yet perfectly aligned and too much with these two. and i think what makes the alloaro jake narrative (which to ignore would be like ignoring his feminine coding imho (that is: impossible) really interesting is Love (capitalised to emphasise romantic from here on out, love sans capitalisation is not to be taken as romantic) is only what he believes it is, what he thinks it should be. what he's seen in his movies, of which he doesn't care for - he watches ACTION FILMS and SUPERHERO FLICKS, john and karkat are the ones who engage most with romcoms - and the kind of love he experiences is not the Love he equates to being 'real'.
everyone's experiences with aromanticism are different, and i think from jake's perspective its more so about his ideals of Love not matching his experiences. he's not shown to have anything more than passing interest and sexual encounters with others in the narrative, save dirk, and that is a whole shitstorm he can hardly bear to think about. its easier to renounce Love itself because to delve into these things would be to self reflect and jake english does Not. self reflect.
his love is destructive and selfish and reactive and obsessive and consuming. the kind where its you are Mine (and i guess that has to make me yours). i'll follow you to the ends of the earth because you're the only one who understands me and doesn't ask more from me than i'm capable of, but i won't force myself to appreciate the parts of you i detest and i don't expect you to do that either. the kind where i enjoy having you around but the domestic ideal i've seen sounds fucking boring and not something i'm capable of or want to be. i love you but i don't Love you. its more than i feel for anyone else and its too much, yet it is still not enough.
vs dirk who believes that his obsession and devotion is what Love is. he is the god of his own reality and the only word he can place on this emotion IS Love because he doesn't know anything else. he's just so much more intense than the rest, it doesnt matter if they don't understand it, because its Raw and Visceral and Real, more than their washed out depictions of Love. he's the same in the sense that the domestic Love for him is fucking boring and unsuited to his tastes but that doesn't make his Love lesser, it makes theirs. he again wants jake to be His but has a hard time accepting that to do so would make him jake's. they both want to possess and consume the other without allowing themselves to be possessed and consumed in return.
i just think both of them have incredibly thwarted ways of experiencing affection and the way they think about Love influences their perspective on the emotion. this is why jake so readily accepts his love isn't Love, assumes roxy's feelings for dirk are more real than his because the feelings there are selfless, unconditional, and passive. which aligns with what we are taught about Love, that it is hard work and unselfish and placing trust in another etc. his feelings are selfish, conditional, and active. he wouldn't want to put the hard work in to make something work with dirk because that would require self reflection, to accept difficult things about himself and accept unpalatable things about dirk. he wouldn't feel the same about dirk if he didn't keep him on his toes, fuck him around mentally and physically, he'd be as blase about the man as he is every other proposed Love interest. he can't sit still and let dirk move on without having his say, he needs to keep what's Mine while still trying to shy away from being His. everything he feels is a contradiction to what he assumes Love to be, therefore he can't Love. whereas as stated with dirk he assumes his Love to be real because it is so much more than what the ideal is portrayed to be like.
and i'm not going to go into it entirely because this is already so long but theres a link here to the cherubs i think. besides the dirk splinters and the english influence, the foundation of a cherub is two dichotomous beings sharing a body which i think is so so representative of dirkjake. they both live on inside one and another, they aren't soul mates or two halves of a whole, they are simply one. and the nature of cherub reproduction and 'romance' is so far removed from what humans would consider 'romance' which is the kind of romance that can be found in dirkjake but in a minor key instead of a major if that makes sense. same tune different sounds.
hussie consistently tries to challenge mainstream ideals of Love through quadrants cherub reproduction leprechauns etc so having a cosmically fated couple actually not fall anywhere on the scale of stereotypical Love is so incredibly on brand.
tldr maybe they are in Love. or maybe what they have is something different. and that is so cool.
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flametrashira · 7 months
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Pairing: Levi Ackerman x F!reader.
Summary: An ongoing friends to lovers slow burn between Captain Levi Ackerman and a medic reader.
Warnings: reader experiencing nightmares
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2
Chapter 3: Night Terrors.
Levi's guts are in knots. 
He wasn't kidding when he told you that the mission tomorrow would be dangerous. But you're so damn stubborn. You're the only person ranked below him who will confidently give him as much shit back as he deals out, and ordinarily he likes that about you. But tonight… tonight you're a thorn in his ass.
"Tch," he sips his tea, finding it a little cooler than he expected. And to top it off, it's a Jean cup; over-brewed and bitter. Damn kid tried too hard again. He drinks it with a grimace anyway, unwilling to let anything go to waste. Bad tea is better than tea poured down the drain. There was a time in his life he’d kill for just a sip of this shit and he knows better than to think that desperation can never return.
He's losing track of time, as he always does the night before these missions. Sleeplessness is nothing new. Anxiety about the mission and what it'll cost is to be expected. Over the years, he's done this more times than he cares to count.
But this one… this one feels different.
Call it intuition, call it whatever, something isn’t sitting right with him. After all, he's sending the squad out into titan territory for a piece of fucking paper; a document he isn't even privy to the contents of.
And if he loses anyone, that guilt will sit entirely on his shoulders, because it sure as hell won't affect the higher-ups. Lives are expendable if deaths further the cause. To those calling the shots, humans are nothing compared to humanity.
So what can he do except fight? It’s what he was born to do, after all. He can only try to save everyone and keep pushing on, even when he has nothing left.
He sweeps his hand back through his hair, closes his eyes and sighs, lifting a little of the weight on his shoulders by whispering, "Fuck."
Morning can't be too far away and dammit he needs to be at his best. Lives are at risk. Your life is at risk. He should be sleeping, or at least trying to rest. 
Chugging back the last bitter mouthful of tea, he walks down to the kitchen, rinses the cup out at the sink, and heads back upstairs. He walks softly down the hallway, careful not to wake any of the squad. Although, if the rest of them have learned to sleep through Sasha and Connie’s snoring, he’s fairly certain they could sleep through anything.
And then he hears you. 
Your muffled cries come from behind your bedroom door, desperate and afraid. This isn’t the first time he’s known you to have nightmares before a mission. You’d have to be insane to sleep well on nights like this. 
Ordinarily your outbursts are short and pass without intervention, but as he stands outside your door, listening to you sob and gasp for breath, your terror goes on and on. Every cry is like shrapnel, burying its way deeper into him, until he finds himself reaching for your door handle. 
Stepping into the darkness of your room, he treads carefully, jaw clenching at the dirty laundry strewn across the floorboards. He’ll kick your ass for that in the morning… maybe. Might have to wait until evening.
“Hey, hey,” he hisses, crossing the room to gently shake your shoulder. “You’re having a nightmare, dumbass. Wake up.”
It doesn't work. You're still crying, sobbing, arms reaching out toward the darkness, thrashing them toward an unseen target. The panic in your expression makes his chest hurt; seeing you so afraid and vulnerable. And amongst your babbling he hears his name.
"You can't take him! Levi, no! I'll… Levi! Bring him back!"
It kind of irks him that he's apparently the villain of your dreams, but he knows you don't have control of that. Taking hold of your wrists, he stops you from lashing out and perches on the edge of the bed beside you. "Hey, hey, c'mon, wake up."
Your eyes spring open, and your voice is raw with distress and relief as you gasp his name. "Levi!”
“Yeah, I’m here. You’re having a nightmare.”
You stare at him for a moment, “Oh god… I thought…"
Pulling free from his gentle grip, you throw your arms around him, and Levi's world pauses. It's a sensation he's not at all used to– or, if he's honest, entirely comfortable with. But it's you so he lets it happen. You're scared and in need of comfort. So he just lets you hold him; warm and soft, your forehead pressed to his shoulder.
"Easy," he says softly, laying a hand flat over the center of your back and patting you gently. "We're still at the farmhouse, everyone's safe. No one is hurt."
A strange combination of relief and reluctance gathers in his mind as you pull back from the embrace, "I'm sorry…"
"Don't be." He rubs his chest with the hand that was on your back, suddenly aware of a tightness sitting there. “You’re fine. It’s just a bad dream.” 
"God, it was… awful.”
“Yeah...”
“You were gone…"  
"Gone? Sounded to me like I was the bad guy."
You shake your head, eyes widening,"No, god no, you were injured and I couldn't figure out how to stop the bleeding. I failed at every method I tried–stuff that should have worked. I don't even know how I knew it was you on the table… there was so much blood I couldn't see your face but I knew it was you, you know? And then they were taking you away and telling me you'd died and I couldn't stop them, and–"
"Hey, it was just a dream," he says, holding up a hand to silence you. You're getting worked up again and he can't stand to see you scared. "I need you at your best tomorrow. Lie down and go back to sleep."
“Yeah.” You sniff quietly. "Levi… will you stay a little bit? Just for a minute?"
He shrugs, it's not as if he was going to get any sleep tonight anyway. "Sure. But I'm not singing you any lullabies."
That earns him a smile from you which lightens his mood a little. You chuckle quietly as you lie back down in bed, "Thanks, asshole."
"Don't mention it, dumbass." He takes the edge of your twisted blanket and straightens it out, tucking it beneath your chin and– wait… what the hell is he doing? 
You laugh, "Did you just tuck me in?"
Heat rises in his face, and thank god it's dark in the room, because you'd have a fucking field day if you ever saw him even the slightest bit flustered. "Shut up."
You snort and move over slightly, giving him more room to sit in a more comfortable position, "So, you can't sleep again I take it?"
"No… never can the night before missions." He shifts positions, sitting by your pillow and leaning back against the wall. Other than the fact that you’re in bed, it reminds him of the old days, tucked away in that secret alleyway back at HQ. 
You stare up at the ceiling, your hands resting on your chest. "That's understandable. But these kids are tough, they'll be okay."
"It's not just the kids I'm worried about."
"I'm tough too."
He snaps his head around to scoff at you, "Tch, like hell you are. You cry when the horses die."
"Yeah, and you can't eat after they do,” you fire back, rolling over slightly to face him.
You’ve always seen him, even when you don’t let on. Perhaps it’s the years you’ve spent clawing your way through this hellish world together, but you’re one of the few people who notices these little things. That he can’t sleep because he’s worried about his subordinates, that every death chips away at him even if he never cries. 
Most people look at him and assume he’s a hard-ass, the people who know him know he’s only hard because he cares, but you see the true extent of what that care strips him of. You help him through all of it. 
Levi has seen his fair share of bloodshed, but you… God… he sees it sometimes, when you’re not aware he’s watching you. He sees the exhaustion in your eyes, the weight on your shoulders, and how hard it is for you to smile. But you do, you always do. Because you know your smile helps everyone else feel better, even when you want to scream.
Your job is to patch up the broken and the bleeding. But in doing so, he knows you often ignore your own wounds. 
So… if in some small way sitting beside you and verbally sparring to help you feel better after a nightmare makes you feel better, he’s more than happy to do that for you 
"I should just have you discharged from the squad."
You snort again, "On what grounds?"
"Being a pain in the ass." He folds his arms over his chest and kicks off his shoes, letting them clatter to the floor beside the bed. 
"Ha, not buying it, you admitted you love me before. You'd be lost without me."
"I would." He glances down at you, feeling a shock of… of something as he sees you gaze up at him. Pushing out a breath, he closes his eyes. “Which is why I wish you’d reconsider coming with us on the mission tomorrow.”
“This again?”
“This always. I’m not going to stop. Things are getting harder out there. We’ve made do without a medic before. Hell, Sasha knows enough first aid to patch us up.”
He opens his eyes slightly, expecting you to argue back, but you just lie there, your expression barely readable in the darkness. The only sounds are of your soft breaths and the sporadic creaks and cracks of the old farmhouse. Levi sighs and closes his eyes once more.
“Do you think we’ll still be friends, Levi? When all this is over…” 
The question makes his heart squeeze. That you still have hope after everything you’ve witnessed. 
God only knows what will be left of you both when the world is finally at peace. But whatever remains of him, he knows with certainty that he would want to spend it the way he spends every other peaceful moment. “Yeah,” he says, unfolding his arms to gently pet the top of your head on the pillow beside him. “When all this is over, you’ll still be my favorite dumbass.”
“Good,” you say, your voice soft and quiet as you reach out and place your arm over his shins.
The corner of his mouth lifts as he chuckles, feeling himself finally succumbing to sleep, his hand still resting on the top of your head. 
Next chapter
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yril-writes · 8 months
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— DRUNKIN' LOVING!
synopsis ; it's a rare sight to even see them drunk, they are basically wasted at this point. But somehow it's interesting how they would react!
scenario ; you were invited to your friend's mini birthday celebration and it is going to be held in a resto & bar! But who would've thought that they would be this drunk?! I mean, they did chug a strong drink.
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"You know that I love love love you so much, right?!" SCENE 01 - RYOUMEN SUKUNA
"Say my name again, I love it when you call me by my name..." SCENE 02 - ITADORI YUUJI
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type ; headcanon
include/s ; ryoumen sukuna & itadori yuuji
pairing ; drunk character x gn! reader
genre ; fluff, comedy, romance, goofy, and a mountain of corn!
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SCENE 01 - RYOUMEN SUKUNA
The Bad Cop/Loud/Annoying Drunkard
The only time that this guy's mouth would be a hundred times more annoying is by drinking a heavy one that is.
You didn't expect him to be this drunk because in reality he does handle his liquor it just that he can't handle the big guns.
"SUKUNA! stop drinking already! You're too wasted! You yelled as you pulled him downwards pinching his ear and dragging him down.
"Y/N! you always get so mad, how about you chill out!" covering your ears everyones gazes then were both planted to the both of you. You hated being the center of attention and this drunkard just gained some audience.
"I should have known better before I even agreed on dating you." letting out a sigh, the man in front of you is now glaring at you intensely. He really didn't like those words you just said.
"SO WHAT?! you prefer quite the type of guys?! The cute ones?! The smug looking ones, is that it?? Am I not that swaggy enough for you?! Is my member not big enough-" before he could've finished his sentence you immediately closed his mouth by forcing both of your palms to cover that big mouth of his.
(IS SWAGGY EVEN A WORD?! THIS GUY REALLY!!!) you apologetically bowed your head to all the customers and guests in your friends birthday party while trying to control your urge to strangle this man.
But in comparison with this man's strength, you don't even match side by side to it. Immediately removing both of your hands from his mouth, the man himself spoke out loud making all heads turn once again.
"You know that I love love love you so much, right?!"
Blinking a few times you stare at his eyes and you see how true he is with those words he just said. You felt like your heart was going to burst from all these mixed feelings you are experiencing.
But before you could've replied back, something else happened to pop by and ruined the romantic atmosphere.
And that is, Ryoumen puking at you. With those people watching you wished to be swallowed whole by the land you were on top of. Despite feeling embarrassed you only felt raged.
Morning came, and guess what. Of course, he is feeling an immense pain of hangover. Ryoumen who immediately made his way in the kitchen to find a grand breakfast presented before him, only to see you glaring at him.
"Look who finally woken up! Mr. Barfs A Ton!" you said in a sarcastic tone, making both of his brows knit, he looked at you with confusion and innocently asked what was wrong.
"Oh you know, it's just this certain someone became so romantic and then the second I blinked this guy puked at me! That shameless bastard! I wanted to struggle with that guy in a pulp! Have any ideas who I am talking about?"
"Why are you glaring at me like that? Why are you so fucking grumpy, I just wanted breakfast." before he could even open the fridge you slammed it back shut making him flinch. Now that he has a good look on your expression he knew that he fucked up.
"My fault that I barfed on you, but the thing is I can't remember anything." he says with a nonchalant tone as he gives off a sigh.
"You can't even remember how you just confessed how you love love love me last night? You are the worst, I tell you."
Ryoumen isn't the type to make you overthink things that much at all, so right now seeing you this act he had to do something.
Digging into his memories, he does remember bits and pieces of it and it even looked blurry for him. Despite that, he would try and sweet talk you until you can't even be mad at him anymore.
And the is why you can't stay mad at him for too long, he just knows how to make it up to you no matter what.
"I hate you so much, Sukuna..."
"I may be the worst, but know that I am the best when it comes to loving you, doll. I love you so much, so much that this heart of mine would just burst anytime I am near you like this."
SCENE 02 - ITADORI YUUJI
The Puppy/Moppy/Cute Drunkard
Drinking isn't his strong point to begin with but since it's your friends birthday he couldn't help but drink and go with the flow.
Looking at Itadori's face he clearly looks drunk, turning slightly red and his speech even sluring.
Deciding to sit beside him was a bad choice but before you could realize it you faced the consequences.
Itadori would get all clingy and talkative, he would ask you some bizarre questions at a random moment and he would demand some answers.
"(Y/N), do you like cute puppies?" he asked "Yes, of course." you answered sincerely "More than me? Do you like puppies more than me?" you can see how hurt he is with those eyes of his, and with his lips all pouted.
People around you would whisper about the both of you, gathering this much of attention you really hated that. So without no second thoughts you immediately pulled him and wrapped his arm around your shoulder and went outside.
Then you went to a nearby bench to take a seat. And placed his head onto your shoulder, you can still hear him mopping and murmuring but of course you pay no mind since it's going to be another hassle if you did.
"(Y/N)..."
"Are you mad? I'm sorry...I should've not drank that much, it's just I couldn't refuse...I wanted to be friends with your friends too, get to know you by their perspective and stuff...I'm sorry..."
You can already hear the man sniffing, and getting all emotional, you can't resist as to how much this man got you wrapped around his finger, and he just told you such cute things you couldn't help but forgive him.
Patting his head, is a way to comfort him and hold his hand as you hush him down, "Yuuji, It's okay, I am not mad. It's just everyone was looking and I don't want them to see my little puppy to be all moppy, only I can see that moppy side of yours. Understood, Yuuji?"
He then nods his head and enjoys the warmth you are giving him, he then chuckles out of nowhere and shows this idiotic smile you always loved to see.
"What's gotten into you? You were just bawling your eyes out just a minute ago?" you playfully nudge his side and get a good look at his face.
Even when sitting you noticed that he is still taller, of course. But this isn't looming over people scary but a comforting protective one.
He smiles like the sunshine he is, then holds both of your hands directing them towards both of his cheeks.
"Say it again..." he says, you could clearly see his cheeks slightly turning red together with both of his ears as well. He avoids eye contact as if he is shy about his request.
"Say my name again, I love it when you call me by my name..."
You blinked a few times and started at the man who was clearly embarrassed by his own request. You burst out of laughter you can almost feel like you're about to cry.
"Yuuji."
"More.."
"Yuuji."
He would send out this goofy satisfied smile as he requests to heat his name to be said by you. It still amazes you to see him like this, to be so happy with these little things you do.
"(Y/N), I never felt so happy to be called by my first name. Only you can make me feel such things. And that's why I, love you so much. Whenever I am near you I feel like I am over the moon! So stay, stay with me..."
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a/n ; hey! It's been a while since I posted. This will receive a part 2 where gojo and getou will be in! If this post gets to a 100, I'll do it!
send me a tip! ; really desperate to make some money to buy some of my medications, my meds are too expensive and I want to help my mother pay for them. I am open for commissions and I will post some details later on!
taglist ; @sammushy , @gcj-doesart , @ryuuudesuwa , @jasugoi , @saltyheartkid
If you are interested to be tagged on my future posts, please do leave a comment or DM me!
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fatal-blow · 1 year
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Self-Massage and Myofascial Pain: Do You Have Low Back Pain?
"Doesn't everyone?" you say. No, actually. Yeah, I find the concept baffling too. However, you too could not have back pain for the low, low price of skimming this post.
The short story of all this is that I've been learning about trigger points, myofascial pain syndrome, and the science of good posture, and I've become so absolutely furious that this stuff isn't common knowledge--
(I have encountered ONE healthcare professional who knows SOME of what I know. FUCKING ONE. And myofascial pain is something that Every Single Human Person has experienced.)
--that I'm making little self-diagnosing guides for common pain patterns based on my own experience as well as The Trigger Point Therapy Workbook, which is now my fucking bible.
Common concerns:
"I'm pretty sure it's just my fibromyalgia." Fibromyalgia and myofascial pain have tons of overlap, so I recommend looking into this regardless!
"I do have pain, but it's carpal tunnel/stomach ulcer/tendonitis/arthritis." Myofascial pain is frequently misdiagnosed, and the treatment for it is easy and unintrusive. Even if the problem isn't myofascial, practicing myofascial release can help relieve muscles associated with these conditions.
"Will I hurt myself?" Probably not*. Self-massage can cause bruising if you're a little enthusiastic, like myself, but you won't cause long term damage. Maintaining focus and avoiding pulses are your only concerns, and they are mild.
*Some health conditions can make self-massage a bit dicey. I recommend a little research beforehand if youre worried.
"What does myofascial pain feel like?" A lot of things, to put it simply. Some signs of myofascial pain that I've come across are: areas that feel like bruises with no actual bruising, skin sensitivity (if you get pain from, say, running your hand over it in the shower), an assortment of symptoms from various things that seem unrelated, pain that doesn't go away with rest, pain with no clear cause, and more.
"Do I need massage though? Shouldn't I rest?" You also should rest, yeah, but here's the thing. Myofascial pain can be Instantly Relieved with self-massage. So why wait?
Furthermore, trigger points, the cause of these pains, don't always go away with rest. They can create positive feedback loops. If untreated, more trigger points can crop up, and the pain gets worse and spreads. Targetted massage can break that loop.
"Dude, I'm concerned by how much of a conspiracy theory this sounds like." Brother me too. Miracle cures aren't a thing, but stumbling across this information sure has felt like one, given I feel better than I have in years. Just...hear me out on this one. It won't harm you to try these techniques.
"What even ARE trigger points? What's myofascial pain syndrome??"
That's a long answer that I'll need to save for another post. You don't need to know what it is or how it works, though. Just how to treat it.
For more in depth info on self-massage, check out this post.
Disclaimer: I'm not a professional at anything except for being in pain, and constantly weaseling out ways to not be in pain. All this information can, more or less, be found in The Trigger Point Therapy Workbook by Claire and Amber Davies. I'm just organizing it into a more accessible guide for myself and others.
--
I have low back pain, and my feet, knees, and hips also hurt. I might also have widespread pain in general.
This combination of symptoms is often tied to postural issues, and usually it's Morton's Foot (not to be confused with Morton's Neuroma).
One in four people have this quirk in their anatomy. The short of it is that the foot distributes your body weight across two points instead of three--which can leave you feeling off balance.
Mortons Foot can cause widespread pain. If you have other conditions such as hypermobile joints or anxiety, watch out!
Go to www.mortonsfoot.com. They'll explain it better than I can. I can also tell you they're legit; I bought insoles from them and boy do they Work.
Other symptoms: sensitive feet, frequent sprains/rolling of ankle, bad posture, unusual worn spots in footwear.
--
The pain is in a horizontal band across my back.
The nature of trigger points is that referred pain patterns can seem nonsensical. A horizontal band of pain ANYWHERE in the back, not just the low back, can be caused by the abdominal muscles.
Can be caused by slouching, improper lifting, and overworking abs with exercises like sit ups.
Associated with the pain in your back after a hard day of work. This is the source of the "back breaking" in back breaking labour.
Massage Tips:
Do this lying down. Prop your head and shoulders on a couple pillows. Make sure you're warm, cozy, and comfy.
Lower abs should be massaged with fingertips, using your other hand to support them. Use your middle three fingers and begin by searching for tender points. Focus on the central muscle. Raise your head or legs to feel them contract.
If you find a tender point (and I do mean tender. If you're not familiar with pain, you might become concerned. Don't be--your body and mind are made so that you won't hurt yourself doing this) hang out and get to know that muscle. Seek out the spot that hurts the most.
Abdominal muscles go lower than you think. Get your fingers right down in the pelvis. Root around in there like a boar roots around for truffles.
Once you've got your guy, use short strokes from one end of the point to the other. Pain is subjective, but your goal is not to be in agony. Each stroke should cause a sensation right before you would classify it as pain. If you're grimacing, or tensing your muscles, ease off.
You only need 10-12 of these strokes. Search around for other tender points, do the same until you can't find anymore.
Your pain should have eased by now. If some, but not all, has disappeared, or you didn't find any success, try the other techniques in this post.
For more in depth info on self-massage, check out this post.
Your goal: To relax and soften the muscles as much as possible. Heat and other relaxation techniques will help. One session should be enough to bring some relief, but you should repeat this until you stop finding tender spots.
After massage, stand up and gently stretch out your abdominals three times.
--
The pain is on one side, possibly both, and I sit a lot.
The section above can also help chronic sitters, but this section is the meat of the issue for us. My experience with this pain is that it's sharper and more debilitating than typical low back pain. It can make it hard to walk.
Caused by...sitting a lot. Wheelchair users take note, I wouldn't be surprised if this one could help y'all out.
This one is more likely to cause limping. Do you sit with your knees up a lot? This muscle doesn't take kindly to that. You also might have trouble getting up from low seats
Be careful with this one. If it's active, it's gonna hurt like a bitch to poke around.
Massage Tips:
Like the previous massage, lie down with your shoulders and head slightly propped up. Have an extra pillow on hand.
Pick which side you're working on. Prop your knees up, and lay your knees AWAY from your chosen side. Use the pillow to lay them on.
Use the tips of your fingers, using the opposite hand to support them, for massage. You can also put your fingers back to back (make a T) to dig deeper.
Find the hip bone. You can easily start by poking around the inside of it, top to bottom. When you find tender spots, massage with short strokes. Look for the sensation that precedes pain.
You can go deeper by pressing down into the area between the hip bone and belly button. If you feel a pulse, move closer to the hip bone. If you can't get away from the pulse, or if you've found a pulsing mass, go to the hospital. Not joking on that one.
If you're have trouble finding the muscle, bring your knee towards you. It helps if you do this with resistance against the knee. You should feel the psoas muscles flex.
For more in depth info on self-massage, check out this post.
Your goal: Relax, again try not to elicit so much pain that you're tense or grimacing. If these muscles aren't the cause of your pain, you might not even be able to feel it. Sometimes, the psoas muscles are so sensitive that you can barely touch them. Even the lightest massage can help, though, and over time you'll be able to put more pressure.
After massage, gently stretch the leg on that side behind you three times. This is best done while standing. Be careful not to strain it if you are lying down.
--
Feels like, or has been diagnosed as, sciatica.
Sounds like you've got butt problems. Yup, you've got a pain in the ass. Different from Morton's Foot because the pain comes from the hips, and rarely refers all the way down to the feet.
Appropriately, your butt might be tender. Pain tends to extend across the hips, both above and below the belt line
We qualify this as low back pain, but if you put your hand overtop of the painful area it's more like back, upper hip, though that's not always the case.
Usually only one side, but can be both.
Massage tips:
Get yourself a tennis ball. If you're short enough, a doorknob will do in a pinch. If you have access to a Theracane, that's great too.
Brace against your tool of choice using a wall. Start on the outside of your hip, beneath the hip bone. Keep your knee bent and put your weight on the opposite foot. Look for tender areas and massage them out--look for the sensation that precedes pain.
You can also sit to get at your butt muscles easier.
Work all across the outside hip and all across the butt. Hell, get other areas of the lower back while you're here too. This will kill so many birds with one tennis ball.
For more in depth info on self-massage, check out this post.
Your goals: This massage is a bit tougher to control the pressure on, but fortunately the tool you're using is broad enough that it won't elicit the intense sensations that other trigger points can. The back of your hip should feel looser and more relaxed.
After massage, guide the hip through its range of motion. Don't force movement if it feels like the joint is "catching" or if pain intensifies--at worst the area should only be a bit sore afterwards.
--
Pain is a deep ache that feels like it's in the spine itself.
This pain is actually from your spine! Well, generally. A lot of muscle pain gets referred away from the problem point, but these guys are right where you expect them.
Admittedly I have less experience with this back pain, but typically pain is also accompanied by your back feeling stiff as a board. It's the pain typically associated with throwing out your back.
This pain often gets blamed on osteoarthritis, but even if you have signs of damage on xrays, sometimes it's muscular.
Fun fact: these muscles, which run along the spine and interconnect the vertebrae, are only relaxed in two positions: lying on your back, and standing up straight. So if they're tensed up when doing either, something is going on.
Massage Tips
Tennis balls and objects of similar size can help, but sometimes don't penetrate through the muscles well enough. For an extra boost of gravity, you can also lie on a bed, with your tool of choice on top of a paperback book.
Follow the pain, massage it until it feels better. Don't be afraid to dig in if you aren't getting results. The muscle here is thick.
Best practice is getting the tennis ball into the groove of your spine and just going to fucking town.
Theracane can also be used.
For more in depth info on self-massage, check out this post.
Your goal: Your hope is to see a release of tension in the back. Before and after massage, lie down with a heat pack and relax to help soften the muscles.
Don't worry too much about stretching out these muscles until you have more confidence in your body again. It's easy to overstretch and undo all the progress you've made.
--
And that's about it for lower back. I'm happy to add any clarification on these points if necessary, but please don't come into my inbox expecting me to diagnose you.
If you're a friend/mutual, though, feel free to hmu for more specific advice.
Final note: expect to need to work on these more than once, and don't be surprised if you only get relief once you've tried some or all of these. Experimentation is your best friend with myofascial pain, and even if it's not the source of your problems, it's good to gain familiarity with your body and the pain you experience.
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qigabyte · 3 months
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gimbappe wrapped or something lol...yea ! 😌👍
so um. im gonna ramble a bit here lol...you dont have to read but if you do well. i appreciate it ! lets get stuff off my mind for the end of the year i guess. its mostly boring self reflection but. everyone should do it tbh its always good.
sorry in advance for my english. the more i write the worse it seems to get lol
balling wise well. its been a year since i got into fut n my knowledge of it is still shit as ever but ay. means that i still got room to learn more so i'll def won't complain about that lol ! i'd say i know 0.2% more abt foot so. that's a win in my book if anything lol.
im smitten with how football brings people together and yet rips them appart at the same time lol. ive never quite experienced something as intense but isn't that the fun part in sports !! lol ive only had interactions w sports in fiction before (just say sports anime now lol) but ever since i got to see a game in real life...and man... shit hits different lol!!!! thats the real deal!!! its fun to get thrilled and scream your lungs out!!! lol
so far im still a casual enjoyer and no clubs have yet stolen my heart (i defo feel like a fraud lol ngl. wont even complain getting dunked on here lol) but honestly it changed my view altogether on sports. ive always been the annoying ass nerd so ig i got to discover my inner jock or whatever the hell...lol. well. everyday i discover new things to read and learn about and im enjoying it very much ! im thankful for that.
now art wise. mmm! even though my mind still refuse to acknowledge it im still an artist at heart and have been so for years now. yea i can't believe i wrote this down thats damn embarrassing when you have impostor syndrome wtf lol!
a bit before i got into fut my relationship w art had seriously soured if im being honest lol. i had lost my touch, and not being able to draw was like loosing a part of me for real aha...... i blame it on adult life ig. my love for art and creation is immense but it is not compatible w what it takes to live in the current system ig! so fuck me lol. it may be a form for me to escape bc im very bored with my own life...but aren't we all.
well. gay football is certainly not the wisest choice to invest your creative groove into i'm well aware of that lmfao. but thanks to that i got the courage to pick up the pen again tbh.......idk why my brain decided to only cooperate to draw again under the condition of. gimbappe but honestly. its fun n ill take it lol ! noticed some improvement in my art surprisingly as well so. whatever works at this point ! i guess thats the price to pay w rpf lol im gonna be real here.....weird moral but you do see results. sorry to them multimillionaires ballers kings lmfao! thats gimbappe n its wonders ig
it's def been a positive addition to my art path. here plugging my non-fut art as well lmfao fuckall. i swear im not completely braindead w gimbop...(ok maybe i am lmfao bc i finished more gimbap pieces than other fanart/original art...man be for real now lol)
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(well theres still one kyky but. whatever LMFAO)
ok now lets talk abt. gimbappe.
uuuuuh! well in all the circles ive been into ive always been kinda reserved! i contribute the best i can and fuck off lol im mostly the type to enjoy stuff on my own
but somehow this time its been very different...and in short i havent had this much fun in a while im gonna be honest now. idk. im super thankful to all the wonderful people i've met here, the sharing, the talking, the confessions/asks of many anons lol... the experience here have been joyful and somewhat enlightening.... ofc got my ass whipped a few times but ill take it tbh. it might be a super small branch of the footy circle but i still enjoy the vibes here nonetheless!
PHEW well yea thats it lol...i could say so much more but its getting long as always when i start idk how to shut up. well tah-tah for now lmfao. lets scram onto 2024 gang
peace be upon you all lol. bisous love!
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darklinaforever · 4 months
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Ok... what is this stupid scenario ?! Basically the Doctor got that old face back to move in with Donna and her family ?! But how is that supposed to work ?! The guy is still an immortal Time Lord. So what will it be like once everyone is dead ? What will happen when he regenerates again ?! That is what I was afraid of happened. Donna got her Doctor, but this time still a Time Lord who finally does everything he never could. But why suddenly could he do it ? I remind you that he left Rose because he was unable to settle down since he was a Time Lord and therefore incapable of leading that kind of life ! That screws up the whole RTD thing for me ! Seriously, wtf ?! What did RTD smoke ?! And why would the 15th Doctor be happy ? Why wouldn't he ask himself too ?! Why does he have to continue traveling if another Time Lord version of himself can arise ? What does he want more because they have become separate entities ?! Seriously what is this shit ?! And why is this version so open emotionally speaking ?! FOR WHAT ?!
The 15th Doctor himself seems very emotionally open in what little we have seen of him. So now the Doctor will always enjoy everything and never hold back his feelings ?
This whole 60th anniversary was just poorly done fucking fan service... The whole premise of the 10th Doctor was that he could only have this normal life that Donna talks to him about by becoming human ! But the 14th Doctor is not a fucking human !
So why would he be able to have this life ?! And then, that concludes nothing at all ! The Doctor does not end up resting since the 15th sets off on an adventure again so that the story never ends ! What the 14th Doctor does is change the ending of the 10th Doctor, plain and simple. It's bullshit. I mean, let's be real, the 14th Doctor is the 10th ! Since we don't take it at all, we take into account that he has physically aged, it's as if he came back exactly as before ! The scenario literally takes up the delirium of the reward being specific to the 10th Doctor ! And his reward was seeing Rose one last time. His reward was that in another life he was happy with her. His reward isn't supposed to be him getting down with his best friend despite being a fucking immortal. NOTHING HAS TO CHANGE SO HE CAN DO THIS !
And then frankly, all these references to Tentoo so that it's just the 10th Doctor 2.0 still Time Lord at the end ? WTF ? Seriously, wtf ? This is the worst storyline the show has had for me.
It doesn't add anything. This just breaks everything that an entire air of 4 seasons had written...
It's bullshit, this delusion that the Doctor must rest in this 14th incarnation. The 15th Doctor also experienced all of these same things ! Why not him either ?! Doctor ! Need I remind you that there is already a version of you living a dream life ?! A normal life ?! Why does this so-called stupid therapy moment exist ?! 15th Doctor and 14th Doctor, you're the same guy ! Why should 14 rest and not 15 ?! The only reason is to once again rewrite the ending of the Tenth Doctor ! But the 10th Doctor already had his happy ending with Rose !
The fact that the Doctor says he finally has a family and never thought he would kills me because it's all a huge paradox. Dude, you're the Doctor. A version of you has already gotten a normal life with Rose. A family. But you, this version of yourself may have that, but not fully, not forever, because you are still an immortal time lord who will have to regenerate one day. Beyond that, it looks like the Doctor finally had a happy conclusion, except that no, because the 15th Doctor literally left to continue the same life as before ! So what is this ridiculous scenario ?
Now there are people who will say that David's Doctor finally had a happy ending when... well no ? He is still immortal. Still a Time Lord. Will have to regenerate one day. Everyone he loves and lives with now is going to die eventually. The only fully happy version of the Doctor is the human version. Because he is human. The Doctor's premise is that his immortality prevents him from being happy. So how does this so-called happy ending work ? With a face that was basically created for Rose I remind you...
People, tell me what you think because this whole ridiculous scenario is giving me a headache. The only thing that makes me happy is that the new Rose has been recognized as the Doctor's niece.
I am literally DISGUSTED.
Very clearly, the Doctor Who adventure ends here for me.
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dovahkinniez · 1 year
Note
You're resurfacing my old Skyrim crushes omg 😳
I'd absolutely love to read any nsfw you have for Brynjolf, alphabet or otherwise, but do not feel pressured at all !!!
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` 𖤓 . . . NSFW ALPHABET: BRYNJOLF.
Omfg, I'm glad. That's the aim, let everyone be obsessed with their skyrim favs. <333 for the amount of love I have for Brynjolf I never seem to write him. So I'm excited for this.
Most likely wont proofread - im lazy xoxo. If there's any mistakes, just tell me and I'll change it.
18+ only!! Sexual content ahead, minors dni!
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A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)
He isn't a young man, he's lived a life before you and over the years he's learnt the art of aftercare. He's loving, gentle, tender, all the things you wouldn't expect him go be due to his occupation and reputation. He's especially more caring towards you as he loves you, he gives you everything you want and more.
B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)
His: his mouth. It's skilled, it makes you feel good and it allows him to say things that makes your toes curl with excitement, so naturally he likes his mouth due to what it does to you.
You: ass. I see him as an ass man. Loves to lay his head on it, grab it, smack it. Everything and more.
C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)
Likes to cum inside you. Likes to fuck it deeper too as he tells you to take it like a good little pet, and you do. Obviously!
D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)
He's usually dominant but he's has multiple fantasies of you domming him, and being pretty mean about it too.
E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)
A lot. As I said, he isn't young. He knows what he's doing. His fingers aren't just good at picking pockets. ;)
He's good and he knows it, he can be quite smug about it at times but it makes it hotter tbh.
F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying)
Doggy, reverse cowgirl, anything where he can see your ass and take a good grab at it. This man loves to smack it until its red, watch it bounce as he slams his cock back in you. Yeah, any position he can see your ass.
G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)
Eh, nah. I don't think he's that goofy. He isn't exactly serious but he isn't a comedian in bed either. If something funny happens you both laugh and then continue like it didn't happen.
H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)
He's a hairy man. Like body hair, yes. I'd say he wouldn't leave it until it's like a literal forest but he doesn't take much thought on it tbh. He's got better things to do than worry about something as natural as hair. He views it the same way with you, you could have longer leg hair than he and he still wouldn't care.
I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)
He's more intimate during the aftercare part, and during foreplay if he's feeling sentimental. In general he just likes to rail you, as he should.
J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)
He does it, but not too much. He has you, he doesn't feel the need and it's not like he's always horny anyway.
When he does he likes to watch you, loves when you masturbate with him, makes him feel closer to you.
K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)
Degradation: his voice is like literal honey and if you thought praise sounded hot, wait till he degrades you as he fucks you into the sheets. Damn.
Impact play: he loves to see your skin mark up as his hand smacks against it, he's never too rough. But enough to see a mark, for you to groan out. Its hotttt.
L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)
He'd definitely love to fuck you in the houses of those you steal from. Taking all their valuables AND fuck all around their houses? Beautiful.
M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)
Not related to you, after a good job. It peps him up, and he'll use that energy out on you. Related to you, when you touches places like his neck, his thighs. That sorta thing. If you start kising all over his neck he's ready.
N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)
Nothing involving seriously hurting you, he'd never actually want to see you in pain, even if pleasure mixes. He'd feel too guilty.
O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)
Personally, I think he'd prefer to receive it. Not saying he doesn't like giving, he just loves watching you play with his cock and balls, watching you suck and lick. He loves it. When he goes down on you he loves when you sit on his face. He can grab at your ass and just zone out and enjoy it.
P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)
Rough and a mix of fast and slow. Depends on the mood, how he wants to fuck you, how you want him to fuck you. He likes it either way but he loves to pound you either way.
Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)
Not too keen on them, he doesn't like to rush perfection, if you're fucking he wants actual time to do it.
R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)
To fuck you in the cistern while everyone is asleep, seeing if you can fuck without waking anyone up.
S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)
Depends really. He can't go many rounds, he's not as young as he looks. But he can last a while, yeah.
T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)
He uses them, yes. Sometimes he'll steal them from shops and surprise you with them, he likes to make you feel good and if you enjoy toys he will love them too.
U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)
He can be, yes. He's a natural tease, loves to talk you into a orgasm just to pull away, just to watch you beg for release. Boosts his ego.
V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)
Not too loud. He grunts and groans but beyond that he doesn't moan very loudly.
W = Wild Card
Would break into your exes house just to fuck you on their bed as a silent 'lol they're mine now xoxo'
X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants)
Thick. Meaty. Big. Curves upwards. Juicyyyyy. LMAOOO.
Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)
Notttt too bad. He loves sex but he's a busy man, rile him up and he's ready to go.
Z = ZZZ (How quickly they fall asleep afterwards)
Bro sleeps like a log. After he knows you're both relaxed he's dead asleep. It's kinda funny how fast he drops off.
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wutheringmights · 5 months
Note
<shakily rolling into your inbox> Would you gift us with chapter commentary, please?
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Your wish is my command:
Framing the past section around headlines was not my original plan. I wanted to do a repeating refrain of "This is how the war ended," but when it came time to actually write it, I was bored with it. Yeah, kinda thought about it too hard. So I went back to the drawing board.
I also considered framing the chapter around the passing seasons, but that seemed too boring. I wanted something with a bit more pizazz.
Plus, one of my favorite genres of fan work is in-universe media like newspapers and magazine covers. This is a pretty weak attempt at it, but at least I threw my hat into the ring.
I've been trying for a while now to imply that the original HW storyline is what was spread as propaganda to the people of Hyrule, but this is the first time I made it really, really clear.
So the engineer being assigned to the coast is a reference to how the DLC that features Toon Link is the one where there's suddenly an ocean. Very smooth of me lol
This chapter ended up being a bit of a dumping ground for all of the relationships I was ignoring in favor of writing about the brothers, ironically because I too was too consumed with the engineer and the child to write about anything else, which in turn really drove home how all-consuming their presence was for Link
The fun thing about Midna's scene is that her and Link going on nightly walks together was one of the very first ideas I had for CTB by virtue of it being inherited from when I thought I was going to write a romcom. Incredible that it took half a million words to finally get to it.
My favorite part of the past is the bit where Link writes all of the letters to the engineer. It's just a lot of fun to sit there and figure out what kind of bullshit he would spout to kinda apologize but not really. It was even more fun to punch him back down with Lincoln's brutal response. Just rereading it, I feel like you can tell I was having a blast.
I also had a lot of fun finding ways to show symptoms of Link's alcoholism getting worse without him realizing it. The constant headaches, the nausea, the shakey hands, the sensory sensitivity-- him experiencing all of this and going so deep into denial that he can't understand why his body is reacting that way.
It's been so long since I've managed to give Toto some screen time that I kinda forgot how much I like his character? He's just a guy, but I like that he's just a guy. But I don't think I made it too clear in the chapter that in their friend group, they were the least friends with each other. Link was closer to Anders, and Toto to Uri. They're being driven together by virtue of being the only ones left, moreso than I initially conveyed.
And, of course, I got to talk about Uri again. Again, Uri is always so interesting to handle because he is a character who we will never see in person and Link is too traumatized by the death of to think about in detail. Even now, Uri feels like a mystery. All we know about him is how Link feels about him.
And finally, Zelda. The thing about Zelda is that I feel like her goals are really transparent, but I always get comments from people who want there to be this moment where everything about her is spelled out. And, despite the fact that she monologues about her feelings here, I don't think this is exactly what everyone was hoping for. The more I read it over, I can see how she probably just got more confusing.
Also, I know I need to stop writing monologues. But have you considered that the monologues are sexy?
I feel like I should say something about how Zelda's relationship with Hylia, but it really speaks for itself. I will say that as much as I like how BOTW is so ambiguous with Hylia, I am a little bit more fascinated with the idea that "your god is real and they specifically hate you." Like, how are you supposed to cope with that? We should all be thankful Zelda isn't more fucked up than she is.
I should also say something about her thoughts on the engineer... so first, my goal with that relationship was always for it to be toxic from both ends, with the engineer trying to use her while she uses him-- which gets even more complicated when you consider all the ways Zelda echoes Link. Like Link, she sees parts of herself in the engineer. Unlike him, she wants to save be saved, so she in turn saves him. Link hates himself so much that he has to drag everyone else down with him.
In the era of everyone wanting Zelda to no longer be a damsel in distress, it's kind fun to give her the traditional goal of being saved by someone else, to then twist it around. She is begging to be rescued, but she won't fix anything herself.
This idea really goes against the popular depictions of HW Zelda, which is why I have iterated before that this Zelda is not Artemis. She's her own thing.
There was going to be more about how the war ended, but I decided to keep it for next chapter because (you guessed it) the word count got too long.
On to the present--
Congrats to everyone who said they wanted to see more of Spirit and Warriors talking shop. You really won with this chapter.
That being said, I always think that I never write what people want when they want it. Like I will write a chapter with a lot of action, so everyone says they want more action next. But then I follow it up with a chapter of people just talking, so I get a lot of people requesting more of that. But then, it's back to heavy action.
All that's to say that I feel bad that there wasn't more character drama this chapter
Also, I feel really bad for not including either Hyrule or Wind in this chapter. Those two are the characters people ask me to write more about the most. But unfortunately, the thing about juggling a large cast of characters is that some times you have to sit down and get a few of those characters out of the way for a bit so that we can focus on other things.
I don't want to make it sound like I was targeting those two on purpose. They just had the best excuse for not going on the Nephus mission.
Speaking of which, I feel terrible for constantly finding ways to leave Lana and Linkle out of the action-- and that's after I've talked so much about adding more women into the story to balance out the default nine dudes LU requires me to add. But again, there are so many characters that I have to find ways to leave some of them behind. And again, it was really easy to give them an excuse to not be in the main action. But It's probably a bad thing that they are easily excused. I should work on that.
And I know I can write scenes with a shit ton of characters talking together. I've done it plenty of times in CTB and other ensemble stories before it. But it's a lot of work, and when I need to focus on more important plot points, the last thing I want to juggle is balancing every scene so that everyone has something to do.
Sorry to belabor that point. Sometimes, I get really annoyed with how big the cast it when it's not even my fault.
It is my fault. I just want to complain.
I appreciate everyone who has their own version of Spirit going on more legendary adventures while he is wearing his OSHA mandated work uniform. I know the Heroes of Hyrule are not unionized, but I at least would like to make sure he is properly dressed with an adventure.
That being said, his Castle Guard uniform was partially inspired by the uniform for the Free Planets Alliance in the original Legend of the Galactic Heroes:
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That is not a great photo, but I was envisioning something like this-- "this" being a more modern cut with clear nautical influences (cause the Castle Guard was probably originally a navy)
Also the crest on Spirit's uniform is Tetra's pirate emblem. Do not get be started about how I fucked up the crest of the New Hyrulean royal family back in chapter 6 and how I have been looking for some band-aid to place over that mistake so that it would look like I did it on purpose
I didn't expect the scene where Spirit talks to Four to be so polarizing. I didn't even think it was a significant moment when I wrote it. Yet I've seen a huge gambit of reactions, from people calling Spirit cruel or others saying that the moment was sweet. That being said, I am living for this. If there is one thing I want right now, it is for everyone's opinion on Spirit to be split.
Did you guys enjoy me trying to write about how machinery works? Honestly, I could have probably cut all that, but I did so much work establishing the mechanics behind the ganons in previous chapters that I felt like I had to go through with it.
My original plan was for Warriors's plan to involve taking Philo hostage from the start, but I changed it because writing a kidnapping scene would have been too much work. It still really bugs me. The way the chapter is written now feels really cheap, but again. I didn't feel like I had enough space.
I also ran into the fun problem of wanting to show the nuances of Philo and Icarius's relationship when one can't speak and the other would not speak Hylian. Legend saved my ass a bit with this one, but I don't know if all of the little details got through.
Speaking of which, I should talking the House of Nephus
So obviously, I wanted the House of Nephus to reflect the original brothers dynamic. The idea is that they are what Warriors, Spirit, and Time/Mask would turn into if both Spirit and Mask stayed.
Except, in practice, I had to give them their own distinct personalities so that they wouldn't be boring as fuck
Icarius and Philo got away with getting small but really effective changes. They both still feel like reflections of Spirit and Time respectively
But Nephus.... so my original personality for him was someone as jaded and mean as Warriors is at his worst. But he felt too much like Zelda or Impa. So I went back to the drawing board to find some character angle that would be really interesting and effective for how little screen time he will ultimately get.
My inspiration came from the Virginia Woolf seminar I was in when I first started working on CTB. I was thinking a lot about rich, British assholes; very specifically about the kind who are self-prescribed intellectuals who fetishize non-white cultures while maintaining the superiority of Western imperialism.
So with that in hand, I got rid jadedness and turned Nephus into a guy dripping with charisma but is unaware of how terrible of a person he is. And as a reflection of Warriors, he works thematically.
But you can make the argument that this is not the story for this kind of a character, especially when I have already gone through such lengths to clarify that Hyrule is an imperialist nation that echoes America. You can see me poking fun at it in some of the dialogue during this scene, but still.
(And it gets worse when you look at the subtext of how light vs dark magic is treated between Hyrule and Faovaria).
So, yeah. I deserve some criticism for this one. I know it. But I didn't change it because I just liked how immediately interesting Nephus was. I couldn't think of an alternative that would have been as effective as this affable evil. Sorry about that.
Another idea I had was that Nephus was going to be the Faovarian equivalent of the Hero of Hyrule, and he would even have his own dual blades of dark and light magic to prove it. I ended up not doing this because it was too heavy handed.
I originally was going to keep the swords, and I even realized that if I had planned things out a bit better, the dark magic sword could have been Ghirahim. I decided that it would have been too out of left field to have worked, but man. I have regretted since day 1 that I cut Ghirahim from the story. I'm sorry, Ghirahim.
And then I didn't even include the swords. Motherfucker.
That actually was a genuine mistake on my part, because the point of the swords would have been to give Nephus's speech on his religion more credence. We as the audience know that the goddesses exist. And yet... why does there seem to be more to the gods of this universe? Are Hylia and the Golden Three really just oracles? If Nephus has these cool swords, what other powers and weapons does Faovaria have within its borders? You know, just world building stuff.
I came up with too much story for the House of Nephus than what I will ultimately have space to include in CTB. I'll try to strategic so that you won't be annoyed with the lack of answers from some of the questions you probably have.
As important as Nephus is, he's ultimately not the main antagonist of the story. If I was willing to write 20 more chapters, I could do a lot more with him, Philo, and Icarius; but I would like to see the end of CTB someday lol
Originally, only Time, Spirit, and Midna were going to go with Warriors to meet Nephus. There was definitely going to be this bit where Spirit and Warriors were going to be like "oh fuck, he's hot" as Nephus flirted with them. Meanwhile, Time (a married man) would be sitting there like "really??? both of you have horrible taste??"
I am also realizing I forgot to write a moment where Warriors is horrified to realize that Nephus was going to make Philo sit there in pain instead of rushing him to a doctor. Fucking hell.
Also, that Nephus's spirit feels normal to Spirit is important. Not on a plot level, but thematically. Just hang on to that thought next time you think about the whole spirit sensing thing.
I always knew that CTB was going to evolve into a Triforce quest story. There's no way I could write about a guy who's supposed to be this brutal strategist and not let him realize he has an easy solve to everything. But I also didn't want this to be easy or feel cheap. It's why I went through all that effort to establish that getting those pieces would involving going up against the Royal Family and the Knights of Hyrule. It's going to be hard, and it will involve all the fighting and manipulating you expect CTB to have. It'll also involve moral dilemmas.
After all, we've been talking about the moral dilemmas presented by the Triforce since at least chapter 6 (remember when I said that there was so much set-up in that chapter for stuff that was for far later in the story? Hello, pay off!)
All that's to say that I am worried that people don't like this direction. I have gotten a few comments about how excited people are for Warriors's plan, but only time will tell if this ruined the story for some people.
And I know I worry a lot about ruining CTB. That's not a problem that's going to be solved any time soon, so let me have this one.
Finally, the chapter was going to go until Time's talk with Warriors. Decided to move it to next chapter because, you guessed it, space.
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internal-bleating · 1 year
Text
Monsters Vs Aliens isn't that bad and people should give it more of a chance and Susan Murphy is one of the best female protagonists ever actually
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!!Long Post Warning!!
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People seem to collectively hate Monsters Vs Aliens and idk why. My fam and I have always loved it and me and my dad used to always quote it all the time.
Now, is it better than Megamind? No way. Megamind is a masterpeice of cinema and is very much obviously the superior movie. But is Monsters Vs Aliens THAT horrible? I really don't think so.
I watched it again recently for old times sake and sentimental nostalgia and I really do think it's kind of underated. Is the animation style kind of ugly? First off, ugly and pretty are very subjective, second, yeah I can see why some might find the character design kinda ugly with their weird porportions and Susan's huge fucking eyes. But I really don't think it's THAT bad.
Also people seem to rag on the plot a fair amount as well but the plot and message are both actually pretty awesome if you ask me.
Susan is SUCH a good protagonist ok???
Gonna share my appreciation with ya'll for her.
I know there's probably people out there that view her as annoying and whinny but like??? Give her a fucking break! The girl literally starts off as the most basic average young adult white girl you've ever seen. Like fr she was probably on the more populer side at school, was definitly on the richer side when it comes to the middle class, seemed to live in a very cookie cut suburd neighborhood, and was going to marry one of the most painfully boring and typical white dudes ever. Like this girl was DEFINITELY one of those white girls you always see youtubers do impressions of n shit.
And by PURE CHANCE and coincidence, she gets hit by a meteor on her wedding day (Also can we talk about that hysterically anticlimactic "Oof!" she lets out when she got hit and her mom just brushing off her words when she says she got hit my a meteorite like "yep, everyone feels like that" as if her daughter wasn't fucking COVERED in dirt and ash) and it completely derails her very normal life.
Can we talk about Derek for a sec tho? Like what a fucking selfish jackass! The guy KNEW how excited Susan was about Paris and yet he only cares about himself and continuesly proves he doesn't give a shit about her enough to inconveiniance himself for her AT ALLLLL. Unlike Susan who was completely ready to forget about her Paris honeymoon for him. Like I bet you if Susan hadn't had this whole thing happen to her she'd have the most miserable loveless mariage with this dude and would be in denial of it for YEARS and keep trying to tell herself he cares but probably won't realize he doesn't until way way later. This guy was going to definitly waste a good chunk of her life and leave her feeling so so incredibly lost...
She's confused and scared(seriously her hair turned white in miliseconds becuase of how distressed she was) as everyone runs away screaming and she tries in vain to calm everyone down and things only get more disorienting as helicopters and fucking military men start attacking her and she doesn't understand what she's done wrong. And we also get some foreshadowing of how strong and how much potential she has with her newfound strength yet she doesn't know that yet. A few soldiers attempt to pull her down with ropes around her arm and at first she struggles against it but as SOON as she sees Derek is in danger she's like "Hey leave him alone! Don't hurt him!" and pulls herself free with incredible ease!
So then, Susan is very understandably freaking out and panicking when she wakes up in Area 51, yelling and screaming that she doesn't belong here as she's up until now most likely never experienced such and confusing and stressful situation. And honestly I feel SO SORRY for her that whole thing must've been so overwhelming and scary. We kind of get a timeskip after she sits in the corner of her cell but I bet you she was having a breakdown for the whole first week.
Small note, the government changed her name to Ginormica. Like bruh...
Then villain introduction yada yada skipping ahead a little bit.
Quick mention of the BANGER scene where the President plays Axel F for an alien robot. One of my fave scenes in the whole movie fr.
Also mentioning how Susan is SO SO determined to get out of monster prison.
So Susan and the other monsters are tasked with fighting an alien robot in exchange for their freedom. Susan is like "Oh yes! I'm gonna see my family again!" and I don't think the thought of fighting a robot has fully sunk in yet becuase she's way more focused on the prospect of seeing her lover again.
And THEN she sees this MOUNTAIN of a fucking robot that actually kind of scared me as a kid, and it finally sinks in. They want her to fight THAT. She was not expecting it to be so fucking big. Do these people actually expect her to fight this thing?? She starts freaking out again because like?? HOW??? How is she supposed to fight that thing?? She's never fought before!
Then big action scene, comedic moments with the trio, Susan runs away from the robot scared out of her fucking mind as this huge hulking metal monster aggressively persues her. And we get an actually really funny joke where she's clinging onto the edge of a roof, scared she's gonna fall only to fall like, two inches onto her feet when her grip slips and she's like "Oh. Right. Haha.".
Monster shenanigans again, She's on the bridge and continuing to get as far away from the robot as she can when she sees a car crash happen and reflexively stops in her tracks. She can clearly see the robot just a short distance away, but instead of continuing to run, she risks closing the gap of distance she's created for herself from the robot and chooses to instead help the people who might possibly be hurt and injured. She tries to warn them even as they run away becuase they are scared of her to get off the bridge before the robot gets to all of them.
Yeah, ok, maybe it's kinda ridiculous how fast the robot closes that distance between it and her but movie logic™ ok???
The robot has her cornered, it opens up a panel with a bunch of rotating teeth, intending to GRIND HER INTO A BLOODY PASTE like can we talk about how horrifying of a situation that is?? You're literal inches from a killer meatgrinder that's angling the bridge you're on so that you slide right into a waiting painful hole of death!
Insectisaurous, another big monster she was at first terrified of, shows up just in time. You see that look of incredible relief on Susan's face as he comes to her rescue, incopasitating the robot and pulling the bridge back to it's correct angle in order to help her get away.
Susan starts frantically asking why this robot is so hellbent on killing her specifically. It's not like she's been trying to attack it this whole time! Like why??? Robot seemingly crushes her in its robot hand but then, she pries its hand back open, the gang watching in awe.
In the struggle, the robot creates a huge hole in the bridge and a couple's car starts to fall into it but Susan stop it! "You're doing great!" "I'm doing EVERYTHING!!!" - ASFDJKLHFSDLAJKHSFDJKFASD
Susan, still thinking about the wellbeing of others, prioritizes getting all these people off the bridge and away from danger. When Bob clears the way somewhat, she yells at the people in their cars to go while still wresting with the robot hand to prevent it from harming any of them.
She's obviously tiring from holding his hand at bay for so so long and knows she can't keep it up forever and that's a scary thought to have cuz she's unsure how she's going to get away from this thing. But then she takes in her suroundings and a plan forms in her head.
Once again, Susan has never had to do this before. She's just winging this and is fighting for her god damn life! She speaks to herself to hype herself up for what she's about to attempt, hoping it will work.
Then BAM! With a determined burst of strength she jumps into action, pushing the robot hand wide open before grabbing the other and pulling the robot towards her, using its weight and topheaviness to make it lose balance and fall forwards. She grabs Link whose out cold btw rn, and carries him to safety, jumping out of the way JUST in time before the robot completely destroyes the bridge where she just was as it falls over.
A peice of the bridge comes down with it and severes its head from the rest of its body, effectively damaging it enough to power it off, permanently. Susan peers over the edge of the collapsed bridge, a smile of relief that the danger has passed and she's still alive spreading across her face. She actually did it!
Villain scene and monolouge, impending doom approaching, time skip,
Susan is excitedly talking to the others as they ride in the plane's cargohold about how "Wow! I can't believe I actually did that!" and she's so so proud of herself and you see Dr. Cockroach and Bob smiling back at her becuase from their POV she's probably glowing so so brightly and looks the happiest they've seen her ever. Her confidence is at skyrocket height right now! And yet, she can't help but long for her old life. She tells them how she's going to find a way to become normal again and that Derek will help her because he loves and cares about her and won't rest until they've fixed this(poor thing doesn't realize how much of a shitstain Derek is yet).
Bob (yeah he's the comic relief but i feel like people greatly underate how honest and genuine he can be like come onnnnnn(also yes I added him to my kinlist idgaf)) is like "Wait but you were just talking about how you're so strong now and how there's not a jar in this world you can't open" and yeah the whole line is played in a comedic light cuz Bob seems to only care about whatever food is in the jar she can't open but I feel like it's a little deeper than that.
After hearing about how great Derek seemingly is, the gang wants to meet him and Susan is like "Yeah sure I'll gladly introduce you guys!" and they all arrive at her home and she looks so happy to be back!!
Her family is kinda wary of the gang but she reassures them they're all chill and introduces them as her new friends, showcasing how far she's come relationshipwise with the three of them(since she was scared of them and found both Bob and Dr. Cockroach gross when they all first met. She legit tried to kill Dr. Cockroach when they first met like wow.)
Another example of Derek not caring, he doesn't show up to welcome her home from prison. Susan runs off to go get him so they can all celebrate together.
The monster gang tries to adjust to society and does their best to be friendly and nice but everyone is still super scared of them and it doesn't go very well...
Susan is SO SO HAPPY to see Derek again! She forgets how big she is and how strong she is in her excitement and Derek is kinda... understandably distressed when she picks him up, swings him around, almost suffocates him and almost crushes him. When Susan realizes this she immediatly apoligizes to him and puts him down.
Derek proceeds to show just how much of a fucking dickwad he is. When he asks her if he expects him to put his whole career on hold to help her, she's like "YES???" like bro this girl was ready to make the sacrifice of her PARIS HONEYMOON that she was VERY VISIBELY LOOKING FORWARD TO for your benifit!! Derek breaks Susan's heart and she's completely at a loss now. Everything feels like a lie. She leaves her home to go off to where she does not know.
Once again, yes, I KNOW it's kind of an impossible reach for the monster trio to show up right then. And ONCE AGAIN, I'm claiming movie logic™.
Bob once again being incredibly blunt and honest. Makes the whole gang face the fact that everyone hates them and doesn't want to be around them.
Heard somone bring up and praise the "We could save every city on the planet and they'd still treat us the way they've always treated us. Like monsters..." and honestly, fucking correct and valid.
They all have that quiet sad moment together.
Link tries to lighten the mood by asking how things went with Derek, the seemingly perfect and accepting loving guy Susan has sung the praises of for her entirety of her time with them in prison(seriously Link's whole response to her talking about him in that one scene way earlier implies she talked about Derek NONSTOP). He and the others do not yet know he's a prick as Susan had just discovered.
Susan finally accepts the fact that he's a selfish jerk as she tells the gang so.
"There was never and us! There was only Derek! Why did I have to get hit by a meteorite do realize that??" - Girl go OFF!!!!
She gets a good old rant out and in the process realizes that she doesn't have to feel lost. She's gonna be just fine without him because she's fucking amazing and has four new awesome friends now. She tells them just how awesome they all are and that none of them have to be accepted by society. They all have a character turning moment where Susan has learned she loves this new her and things are looking real up for the five of them! But then, of course, something has to go wrong.
Galaxar's ship shows up and abducts Susan. Insectosaurus tries to help her again but is hit by a ball of energy from the spaceship's cannon. He lets out the most heartwrenching shriek and we get an actually really sad scene as Susan is pulled into the ship and Link, knowing there's really nothing they can do for her in that moment, rushes over to his friend.
"Don't close those eyes. Don't you DARE close those eyes!" *Insectosaurus's eyes slide shut* "You can't..." - LIKE COME ON THAT WAS FUCKING SADDDDD AAAAAAAAAA
Susan has a confrontation with Galaxar, the villain of this movie. They have a very "You have gotten in my way for the last time" "I don't know who tf you are!" moment.
Susan has a moment of clarity where she's like "Wait, all of this is YOUR fault??" and she realizes that he's the reason her whole life was derailed and why she suffered all this trauma of her wedding day, being taken away from everything she's ever known with no hope of ever seeing her family again, and almost dying in a fight with a robot. He's why her fiance wants nothing to do with her(not defending Galaxar or anything for this cuz he did a lot of horrible shit but he really did her a solid by derailing her life cuz as i've stated before, Derek would have ruined her life in the long term if all this never happened to her).
Galaxar is all smug during this.
"You destroyed San Fransisco, you terrified millions of people, you killed my friend, just to get to me??" - My poor girl really out here still putting other people before her and caring more about them than herself...
Galaxar is so sure he's got the upperhand, so sure he's safe from her becuase of that forcefeild. But nah, Susan is fucking LIVID now and breaks through that forcefeild.
She proceeds to break through every barrier Galaxar puts between himself and her becuase she's learned just how imposing her power is now. She's chases after him through the ship like "I'M GOING TO FUCKING KICK YOUR ASS!!!" and Galaxar is actually genuinly scared of her as he's fleeing.
LIKE YES QUEEN!!!! GET HIS ASS!!! KILL THE BLUE FUCK!!!!
And because we still got a fair amount of run time to go, and because we still need our protagonist to struggle a bit, Galaxar manages to trap Susan in the extraction chamber just as she's about to get him. She's still glaring absolute daggers at him through the glass though. He looks back at her, smug expression returning. She then slams her hands into the glass and it STARTS TO CRACK!!! Galaxar is getting scared again and jumps back but he also commands the computer to begin the extraction process.
Susan is determined to break out and get to the person responsible for everything that has happened to her in the past month, but as the Quantonium is removed from her body, her pounds on the glass get weaker and weaker and soon she's no longer cracking the glass. Her now much smaller hand weakly presses against the glass one last time before the chamber retracts and she's left lying there back at her original size.
And even after all that, and even though Galaxar now towers over in instead of the other way around, she still meets his gaze with her own determined glare.
Side note, I know it's supposed to be a joke and all but im really curious about why exactly Galaxar came to the conclusion of destorying his whole fucking planet.
Also,
"There were innocent people on my home planet before it was destroyed!"
"Well I'm sorry your planet was destroyed..." "Oh don't be. I was the one who destoryed it" - Idk this whole exchange is just really clever to me. Like talk about speedrunning the whole trying to sympathsize with the villain and then discovering they really are just a bad person trope LMAO.
Another big skip,
Link is still mourning Insectosaurus, and both Bob and Dr. Cockroach are unsure what to do. Link takes the intiative right then and there.
"We're not gonna let Insecto die in vain. We're gonna get up there, find Susan, and we're gonna take that alien down!" - HELL YEAH BRO!!!
Skip skip, they get onto the ship, they find Susan(Galaxar was going to throw her into the incenerator. As a pyrophobe, WHAT a horrible way to go out wow), Bob fucking murders somone,
"I can't believe you guys actually came for me ;-;" "Us monsters gotta stick together" - Like holy shit that's so adorable.
Poor Susan isn't sure if she can even call herself one of them anymore becuase she's small again :( (Only thing different is that her hair is still white)
Dr. Cockroach assures her she's still awesome.
Skip again,
Big epic fight scene. Link actually gets to do shit this time and isn't unconscious.
They set the ship to self destruct and the doors to the chamber begin to shut. The gang rushes to reach the doors before they close all the way. They manage to get Susan through the doors right before they shut but the trio isn't so lucky.
The trio urges Susan to leave without them but she doesn't want to.
"You can finally get your old life back..."
"But I don't want me old life back!" - SHE DOESN'T WANNA ABANDON HER FOUND FAM FR!!! She finds a way up to the control chamber where Galaxar is priming the escape pod and intending to leave with the Quantonium.
"Are you crazy?? You could've killed me!" "Then we understand eachother." - fuckin baller line.
Susan demands for him to open up the doors and release her friends but he's like "lmao make me" and then when he goes to climb into the escape pod, she stops him and they have a scuffle that ends with her holding him at gun point like "You better fuckin do it right fucking now buddy!"
"Even if I wanted to I couldn't! That's what happens when you set the ship to selfdestruct!! Now we're all going to die! And there's nothing you can do about it! Sooooooooosan." <- says her name in a very mocking tone.
And Susan is like "Actually I can do something about it" "And the name is Ginormica" *points the gun up and shoots it at the thing holding the Quantonium so it falls on her* - FUCKING BAD ASS!!!!
So Susan is big again, she saves her friends just in time, She jumps off the small platform they were huddled on just as a peice of the ship comes down on top of it, smashing through the floor of the ship. The four of them grab onto eachother and dangle thousands of feet above the ground, Susan clinging on for dear life to the bottom of the ship.
She loses her grip and they all start to fall but they're caught by somone.
Turns out Insectosaurus isn't dead!! He's a butterfly now!!!!!
They all fly away to safety just as the ship's automated computer voice counts down.
Galaxar is frantically pushing buttons on the control panel since the escape pod doesn't work without the Quantonium. He covers his ears and squeezes his eyes shut as the countdown ends.
"Three, two, one."
.................
*distant bird call*
"Hmm, nothing happened, maybe my count wa-" *ship explodes* - This part had me DYINGGGG the first time I saw this movie.
Butterflyosaurus lands before a crowd of cheering people.
Susan's parents are all proud of her.
"Oh Susan, ever since you were a maybe, your dad and I knew that you'd... you know, save the planet from an invasion from outterspace" - Can we talk about how fucking weird this must've been for them??? Like yeah it was scary for Susan, but imagine how her parents must be feeling; like their only child started growing into a giant at her wedding and then she was taken away from them to some place unknown and they didn't hear anything from her after that(bet you the government deleted her birth info and denied she ever existed and was straight up gaslighting them into believing they never had a daughter.) until suddenly their duaghter is on the news becuase she fought a giant alien robot and I wonder if they knew she almost DIED doing it.
Derek shows up then, makes a shitty attempt at apologizing to her- no wait he DOESN'T say he's sorry, nah he doesn't hold himself in the wrong. This fucker.
"Baby I thought long and hard about what I said, and I wanted you to know, I forgive you." "... You forgive... me?" Susan is visibily perplexed at this.
"Yes it's not your fault you got hit by a meteor and ruined everything. In fact you didn't ruin everything. I just got a call from New York. They offered me network! All I gotta do is get an exclusive interview from you!" - Yes, he's only "forgiving her" cuz it benifits him. I cannot believe I saw people in the comments of a video about MvA saying she should've forgave him like ya'll are fucking stupid.
So Susan is like "Oh wow reallY?!?!?! Cool! Hey is the camera still rolling?" And Derek, unaware he's fucked up, says "Of course lol!" So Susan proceeds to break up with him on live television and then flick him up into the air. She also tells Bob to catch him so he doesn't splat onto the pavement.
Bob then tells him off for being a selfish asshole and Derek, now humiliated, tells them to shut the camera off.
and honestly??? FUCKING DESERVED!!! Hope that clip becomes immortalized as a meme and you are forever branded as the idiot who icon monster celebrity Susan Murphy broke up with on live television. also 100% convinced that the group of people on the internet who have a huge thing for giant women hate Derek for turning down having a supersized wife like all of them would KILL for that COME ON BRO!!!!
A slug apparently got turned into a Kaiju in Paris so the gang all fly off into the sunset to go deal with that and the movie ends~ LIKE HELL YEAH SUSAN YOU FINALLY GET TO GO TO PARIS YEAH!!! After all the shit she's been through she deserves at least that.
There's a fair amount of things I didn't mention but I think that if anyone reading this hasn't seen Monsters vs Aliens before, or hasn't seen it in a while, you should give it a watch again/for the first time. You don't HAVE to, but I recommend.
Maybe some of the jokes aged poorly, maybe some of the humor is kind of childish and unfunny, maybe its full of outdated "HEY LOOK THIS MOVIE WAS IN 3D!!!" bits, but I fucking love this movie ok???!?!?!?!?!
It's in no way perfect and in no way one of Dreamworks best films ever but I feel like it isn't necessarily one of their worst ones either.
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frannyzooey · 5 days
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Do you have any advice for new writers? It can feel a little sad when you pour your heart and soul into something and it feels like it isn’t being read. I definitely am experiencing a writers block and I can’t tell if its because it’s hurting me emotionally to keep writing stories that feel like they may be underwhelming to the fandom. I still love reading fics and am thinking of possibly just writing for myself but not posting anymore. I hate to feel that way, especially when this is a virtual space lol, but just trying to understand from other authors what kept/keeps them going.
BOY HOWDY DO I
First of all, give yourself a hug, okay? A nice big squeeze -- you were brave and strong and creative and made something from nothing and took the steps to share it and that takes fucking GUTS, okay? The nerves you have to overcome to even do that in the first place are immense, and YOU DID IT. ❤
Second of all, lemme hit on a few points here:
"It can feel a little sad when you pour your heart and soul into something and it feels like it isn’t being read"
Listen, I know this pain. I know it might seem like I don't since I do get interaction, but I didn't always (and still don't, depending on the subject of the fic) -- and I get this. It's really sad! Writing is something that can be so personal, by default it affects you emotionally no matter what reception it gets. But also, when feels like it isn't being read is a special kind of pain, because the whole reason we share on this site in the first place is to find the people who want to scream with us. If you don't have those people, it can seem very very lonely. I get it.
"I definitely am experiencing a writers block and I can’t tell if its because it’s hurting me emotionally to keep writing stories that feel like they may be underwhelming to the fandom."
If you aren't in a good headspace, it's going to affect your ability to create. Period. ESPECIALLY when you're hurting emotionally. Feelings like those take up all the brain space, and I would never encourage anyone to force themselves to write while they feel like that. Give yourself some grace, be kind to yourself, and take a break from the site. I have many, many thoughts on this place and how it has a direct correlation to self esteem and self worth, and if you're feeling these things, I can tell you right now, it's this site. Take a break, my lovely ❤ I take them all the time when I get this way! They help immensely.
"I still love reading fics and am thinking of possibly just writing for myself but not posting anymore."
Honest to God, this is legitimately the only way to go. You HAVE to write for yourself, because if you don't, what are you writing for? The story is YOURS to tell. The characters are YOURS to shape. The ideas come from YOUR mind and YOUR heart. No one else can write it the way you do. Everyone wants interaction and yes, finding your community to share these personal things with makes it all the more fun and satisfying, but it HAS to start with you writing it for yourself.
This might not be true for everyone, but what keeps me motivated to write is exactly that: writing for myself. I think "what do I want to read", or "what do I want to share", or "what scenario do I want to explore" -- and the entire time, I am only considering myself as the audience. That way, when I do work on it and write it, it's all the more satisfying because I am the only one I am trying to please -- if that makes sense? If you wrote it for yourself and you are happy with it, then you have accomplished the greatest, hardest part about writing and you should be fucking PROUD. "I'm gonna give myself everything I've ever wanted" is the theme!
Sharing it with others is a privilege you extent to strangers, and if they don't take to it like you hope, the blow will be softened because you have this cushion of joy and contentment that you wrapped yourself in before sharing. ❤
If you feel like taking the time to write for yourself and not post, do it! What I typically find is that a break from this site allows your self esteem to build back up, which decreases the bad headspace, which allows you more room for creative thoughts, which lends itself to better (and happier) writing, which makes it easier at the end of the day to share with a nice hefty inner heart full of self confidence and worth, which makes everything easier. ❤
This is very long lol and I am SORRY -- I have a lot of opinions on this topic. If you want to chat more, DM me!
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chuplayswithfire · 2 years
Text
endless list of favorite things about ed: he's been the smartest person in the room for years, the man with the plan, the guy seeing all the angles, the master of everyone's fears, and it's not just boring, but it's expected. it's less a source of pride and respect now and more the matter of fact expectation that other people have for him, to always be three steps ahead, always have a plan, always be in charge, never be just - genuine and taking it slow or moving with the tide.
it genuinely is no wonder he's bored, under-stimulated, stressed, and fed-up in episodes 3 and 4. he no longer likes what he's doing, no longer wants to be doing it, but people actively depend on him for their lives and livelihoods, so even if he knew about retirement, he couldn't just quit. mobility in the world of piracy comes from advancing up the pipeline until you finally strike out for your own ship, get promoted to captain a ship under your captain, or mutiny and take the ship. there's no way out, there's only going through.
and we can see that despite ed saying that he doesn't mind losing men in the effort to rescue stede, knowing the lives of his crew depend on him *does* stress him out. he hasn't known stede long enough to make that speech about the crew depending on him just to target stede's weaknesses - that's ed using his own fears and frustrations and anxieties to needle at stede just a bit, let him see what it's like to *be Blackbeard*. this is what it's like. pressure, constant pressure, to not just perform but excel, and without letting anyone know what it cost you.
and that isn't helped by the fact that the one person who should know ed's thinking by now, someone who knows that ed works through fuckeries to turn his enemies' fears against them, is also the person who fails to recognize when ed is planning a fuckery right in front of him, even when he gets an invitation to join in.
izzy has been ed's first mate for a long time, he ought to know very well that ed is not just eccentric as a quirky personality trait, but that it's all part of his process for the plans that get them out of tough spots again and again, but izzy dismisses it because he does not see value in the process. even though he of all people as first mate should know the imagination that goes into fuckeries.
knowlesian made an excellent point in a post yesterday about how episode 4 presents an excellent comparison between ed inviting izzy to look at the clouds and see what he sees only to be rebuffed, and ed asking if stede wants to do something weird and getting instant enthusiasm. *that's part of why ed is so bored and stressed*. it's not just that he's tired of the life, but he's tired of being the only person at his life level, with no one around him even trying to climb the peak -
and then he meets stede and stede might not be experienced, but he has the spark, the imagination to be ed's equal and think in time with him. is there any wonder ed starts to fall for him immediately?
(and not to say everything runs smooth there perfectly either - we see that stede has a tendency to fall into the same trap, assuming ed must have plans on plans, must be constantly ready to move, must have an escape from the naval academy ready - and i think this is a plot thread that we'll see develop in season 2, that ed, for all his talent at it and his skill, is really just fucking tired of the weight of expectation that comes with being in charge.)
It's such a familiar experience, I cannot help but relate heavily to ed in those moments because you just want to go with the flow or take a breather and instead the world/family/crew looks to you.
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Hellooo, your fics are lovely, they seem to mainly focus on reader caring and looking out for Izzy and I think that's amazing! However, what about a scenario where Izzy has to do that for them?
What if he finds them, a relatively competent pirate always trying to keep things in order, having a breakdown crying in a private corner of the ship? Will the old man do something besides being there like🧍‍♂️😐
Izzy isn't the most comforting man but if he cares about you in the slightest, he'll fix your problems the best he can.
Izzy Hands Finding you being Overwhelmed:
Once again, the majority crew of the Revenge sat around the deck, not doing any of the work they should have been doing. Other members of the crew couldn't be found on the deck and Izzy was tired of the laziness.
He had made it his mission for the day to get the crew into shape, but first he had to find the missing members. You were the first crew member he stumbled across, heading down to the hold to see if anyone was hiding down there to avoid their responsibilities. He wouldn't put it past him.
And he did find somebody. He found you, gripping the edge of a crate, head hung so low that your chin touched your chest, your chest heaving with your ragged breaths.
"What the fuck?" Izzy questioned, making his presence known. He had expected to find somebody down here avoiding the sun and their chores, but instead he found you crying as you tried to collect yourself.
"Oh fuck off, Hands, I am not in the mood," you pushed yourself away from the crate, aggressively wiping the tears away from your face even as you avoided looking at the first mate.
"No, of course you're not. You're sobbing like a fucking child," Izzy scoffed, his tone beyond condescending.
"For fuck sake!" you never were one who was quick to anger but, like you had warned him, you were not in the mood. "I am a competent sailor, maybe not as experienced as you but I know perfectly well what I'm doing. I am a damn good fucking pirate! If it weren't for me, this ship and it's crew would be at the bottom of the fucking ocean. So, fuck off and go bother someone else."
Admittedly, your sudden shouting caught Izzy off guard. Sure, sometimes you would roll your eyes at him or give a sarcastic response, but he had never heard you raise your voice at anyone, even him. Even if your face was still tear stained.
"Alright, fucking hell," he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "What's fucking going on?" he asked once he calmed himself down.
"What's going on is that I can't keep up like this, it's killing me and nobody even notices," you threw up your hands in defeat, the venom your voice disappearing. You just sounded tired.
"Oh, I'm sorry, is piracy not all you fantasied it would be?" of course, you were just like the rest of the crew. You just couldn't handle the life of a real pirate. Izzy couldn't help but roll his eyes.
"Oh yeah, because I chose this," you scowled before adding, "wouldn't mind if I wasn't the only person aboard who knew how to keep a ship above the waves," it wasn't like you just didn't want to do your share of the chores. You were tired of doing all of them.
"What are you talking about?" Izzy's brow furrowed, still not quite understanding what your problem was.
"Shut up, you've been berating everyone since the beginning," you scoffed, certain he knew exactly what you were talking about.
"Yeah, well, explain it to me," he rolled his eyes, his version of being patient you supposed.
"I know this crew is...strange. Shit, really. But I fucking like it here. I like the crew, and I know they have potential. For the most part they mean well but...they don't know how to do anything," you deflated back against the crate, leaning back against it.
"Could have told you that," Izzy deadpanned. Though, he moved closer, leaning against the crate opposite you.
"Buttons knows what he is doing but doesn't seem interested in teaching anyone. I have no fucking power, whenever I ask somebody to do something they just forget about it. Hell, I even went to Captain Bonnet about it and he gave a big speech about splitting chores evenly. That was about as effective as you can imagine," you told him. Your frustration was palpable, but even now you didn't seem particularly angry with your crewmates.
Izzy paused for a moment, finally realising the cause of your reaction. "Hold on a minute. Are you telling me that you're the only one who does any work around here?" he questioned.
"God damn, keep up. Y'know what, whatever, you don't fucking care," you shook your head, as if suddenly remembering who you were talking too. Izzy didn't care about your frustrations, as long as the work got done. Why should he?
"No, this is about the ship and staying alive," he reminded you sternly, apparently bothered by what you were telling him. "Are you the only person who does any work?" he asked again.
"...pretty much, the important stuff anyway," you shrugged, eyeing him curiously. You couldn't tell what he was thinking.
"I knew this crew was fucking useless but figured they must be doing something right if they were still above water...but it's been you the whole time?" he appeared to be in slightly disbelief but you weren't sure why. Did he think you incapable of running the ship or was he just surprised by the rest of the crew?
"Guess so," you shrugged again. That's just the way things had been for a while now. You were getting used to it, but it could still become overwhelming at times.
"The repairs?"
"Sewed up the sail last time it needed it. Mended the railing after the last storm. Sometimes ask Wee John to lift the heavy stuff for me."
"The rigging?"
"Nobody else really knows how to do the knots. Buttons does, I guess but he's got other duties as first mate."
"Taking stock of rations?"
"Lucius is the only other person who can write but thinks it's boring. Roach is pretty good at keeping track of food, though. I keep the ration logs though technically."
"Swabbing the deck?"
"Never used too, thought I had enough to do. Started doing it since you started complaining about it."
That almost made him feel a little guilty.
"Alright, fuck, take the rest of the day off," Izzy sighed, rubbing at his temple.
"Seriously?" you raised an eyebrow at him. "You, Izzy Hands, are telling me to take the rest of the day off?" you questioned when he gave you a strange look.
"Didn't fucking stutter, did I?" he snapped slightly, with no real bite though. "I'm going to sort this, those twats can't keep getting a free ride on this fucking ship," was his only explanation before he began to storm back out of the hold.
"Izzy?" you called just as he reached the stairs. He sighed but looked back at you over his shoulder. "Thank you," you weren't sure exactly what you were thanking him for yet. For not berating you for having a breakdown in the hold? For listening to you? For offering you some sort of break or assistance?
"Not doing this for you. Just gotta get the crew doing their fucking jobs," Izzy scoffed slightly, but even now you knew better.
"Yeah, sure, of course," you smiled a little, thankful no matter his reasoning, "thank you."
-
You took the rest of the day off, just like Izzy had ordered. And the next day, you got up and planned on getting back to work. It was best to keep on top of everything but it got on top of you.
You began to go about your morning routine but found your more mundane takes already done. Heading up to the deck in a pretty good mood, the day being off to a pretty good start, you smiled when the morning breeze hit your face.
It didn't take long for you to notice the change, and you definitely noticed it.
Wee John and Frenchie were sewing up a spare sail. The Swede and Black Pete were swabbing the deck. Oluwande and Jim were making some repairs to the railing that had been damaged in the last storm, since you had only given it a temporary fix. Lucius was down in the hold, taking stock of everything. Roach sat, tying practised knots.
You had never seen the crew so busy all at once. You didn't need an explanation though. All your questions were answered when you spotted Izzy overseeing everything.
"...this is actually pretty impressive," you praised as you approached the first mate.
"Just needed somebody in a position of power who knows what the fuck they're doing," Izzy insisted with a slight shrug. Sure, he had got the crew working with was pretty miraculous but they still had a long way to go.
"Needed to get their asses kicked into action?" you asked with a playful edge.
Izzy side-eyed you, biting back a quirk of his lips. "Maybe something more like that."
"I know you didn't do any of this for me or anything but...thank you," you didn't care too much about Izzy's motivations but he had just lifted a huge weight from your shoulders whether he knew it or not, and you were appreciative. "Fuck, I could actually kiss you for this," you were only partly joking, of course.
You only received a scoff from the first mate. "Alright, no need for that. Fuck off and help Roach with the rigging. I taught him a few knots but...don't really trust him to do it right, at least I know you will," you thought that might be the closest thing you'll get to a compliment from Izzy Hands.
"I'll get right on it, First Mate Hands," you nodded, showing him the respect he had been searching for. You flashed him a smile before heading off to complete your assigned task, joining Roach at the ropes and giving him a hand.
Izzy watched you and Roach chat between yourselves as you worked, having come to terms with his new respect for you. You were right, you were a competent sailor and pirate, he almost cursed himself for not seeing it sooner. He would have to keep an eye on you from now you, for professional reasons only of course.
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writingsofwesteros · 3 months
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https://www.tumblr.com/sapphiccmermaid/737159099245068288
Alicent with Rhaenyra’s older sister who she finds so hot and mysterious, barely spending time with her because the girl is always going against Viserys's wishes and flying off with her dragon to fight battles and add support to their army. The girl always acts so disinterested in everyone and everything, but changes around her sister, actually smiling genuinely. Alicent can't help but do everything she can to get the older girl's attention, soon coming up with the thought to pleasure her in the name of "helping her relax." Didn't every soldier have a woman on hand to service them in such a way? Why should the rebellious princess be any different? Though she lets Alicent go down on her, she continues to ignore her presence and read the books or papers her father assigned to her (he finally got over himself and decided to keep her busy with paper work, though he knows it will never work). The girl makes Alicent green with envy when she continues to treat her sister sweetly, making her devoted lady insecure as she begins to suspect the princess would rather fuck her sister than the one who's head can always be found between her thighs. Alicent can't help but suspect that the princess is imagining that it's Rhaenyra under her instead of her companion the times she starts out their time together by touching the Hightower girl first. It's almost always after spending quality time with Rhaenyra and wearing the old dresses the younger Targaryen sister had gifted her never seemed to fail... Alicent's angry, but finds her desire for the girl more potent than the heartache of only being a substitute, which is why she parades around in the styles Rhaenyra seems to frequent most. When she enters the older princess's chambers one night and finds the Targaryen sisters tangled together in the throes of passion, the sound of their moans and wetness ringing through the room, she can only hope that she won't be replaced as she watches on guiltily as her heart breaks and pussy uncontrollably throbs at the scene, her mind trying to commit everything to memory so she can use it on her lover later. When it's been a couple of nights since she's been called to attend to her love, she takes matters into her own hands and visits Rhaenyra, knowing her friend's hidden affection for her. She seduces the slightly older girl and eats her out with all that she has, imagining what she would do to the older princess the next time they coupled and tasting her friend's juices on her pretty pink tongue in minutes. Rhaenyra furthers the relationship with Alicent, not knowing her sister commonly used her friend to get off until she comes back from her suitor tour and finds Alicent riding her sister's pussy, whining loudly and desperately bucking her hips to make their hard clits scrape together. She isn't mad that they're fucking, but that she could've experienced both girls at once and feels kinda jealous about Alicent being much more responsive with her sister 👑💀
Desperate Alicent is too hot for her own good thank you very much.
Such a mean Princess we have as well, but we wouldn't have it any other way ;)
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orionsangel86 · 7 months
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About the twinklify the twink? That's why I don't go full Dreamling. I have nothing against it, but they way they get twisted 90% of the times is just "uhh that not my Dream" for me. And same with all the Dark Morpheus x f/m reader. "That's not my Morpheus" and it's ok, because a) fanfiction keeps the media alive until the next piece we can get and b) fanfiction keeps people alive too, no matter what they picture. So, it's ok to feel like this, I guess.
I think that's the main takeaway from this. YKINMK after all. I'm a firm believer of "do what you want always" though of course, that doesn't mean you should be free from criticism, it just means maybe don't take criticism to heart ya know? This doesn't mean people should go onto others posts and fanfics and complain! God no! But people should be allowed to complain in their own posts - so long as anything particularly harsh isn't put in the main tags or is tagged accordingly. Like of course people aren't always gonna love everything you do, and sometimes when certain headcanons and ideas get bastardised by fanon echo chambers they become so far removed from canon that you are basically writing an OC with your fave characters face, but that's okay if it brings you joy. Just don't expect everyone to love and adore it ya know?
The problem I have with the extra twinkification of characters in ship dynamics is that I have a problem with m/m ships being twisted so far away from their canon counterparts that one party becomes obviously "feminine" and the other obviously "masculine". By which I mean one character is made extra skinny frail and delicate, submissive, virginal, pure, and always ALWAYS the bottom. The other character becomes huge and muscular and hairy and masculine, and take the role of protector and dominating and experienced and is ALWAYS the top.
Do you see what I mean? This has been prevailent in fandom culture since day 1 of course, and its a huge pet peeve of mine. I do view it as somewhat problematic because it feels like trying to fit a mlm ship into a heternormative box. Its a layered mess of misogyny and homophobia wrapped up in a fandom bow. It was worse years ago, during the SuperWhoLock days, and I will forever be grateful to Misha Collins for beefing up so much he enabled Cas to beat the effeminate twink allegations (knowing Mollins he probably came across a particularly bad fanfic or fanart and then spent several hours staring at himself in a mirror before throwing himself into an intensive gym routine).
I don't think its too prevailent in Dreamling fics, though I guess when you have a whole episode devoted to showing how Dream is pale, thin, beautiful, ethereal, completely hairless, and trapped, its easy to see why fandoms minds went to "twink" and then to "we need to find him a saviour". But I do wish the power dynamic would be a bit more balanced. Dream is no wilting flower. He is all pure lean muscle. He is no frail delicate thing. He has the body of a long distance marathon runner. He is power and self righteousness and fury and control. Yeah, he may be submissive with his lovers, but he's hardly inexperienced.
Hob is also in no way a macho man. He's hairy sure, but that's basically it. He actually isn't all that more muscular than Dream, he's only slightly broader, and he's not taller - I think they are the same height? Again, to stress, people can do what they want always. But please do take time to branch outside of the fandom echo chambers and refamiliarise yourself with canon once in a while. Especially when those echo chambers are leaning towards problematic dynamics like those mentioned above.
This is by no means a dig at any individuals, at any creative works I have come across or anything else of the sort. I just sometimes find the fanon echo chambers and widely accepted headcanons a bit irritating, especially when they don't fit with canon. It's fine on a small scale. I am not the person who is gonna comment "he would not fucking say that" because its mean and those posts are mean. It's when the whole fandom seems to adopt certain ideas, and suddenly any deviation from those ideas seems wrong to fandom at large. It becomes difficult to counter those ideas without suddenly being labelled a hater. Look at all the ridiculous discourse in Good Omens fandom because of how deeply far removed from the original source material the fandom took the characters over the 4 year gap between seasons? They were literally going into Neil Gaimans inbox complaining when season 2 deviated from widely accepted fanon headcanons! To the point that Neil had to clarify that what they were complaining about was never canon to begin with!!
Anyway, this post is probably controversial enough without me prattling on any further. Let me stress one last time that you can do what you want always, and everyone should be able to play in the sandbox however they want - just please check yourselves and your prejudices and do consider if the tropes you are encouraging have any harmful implications before throwing yourself into them.
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denimini · 5 months
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My 2 pennies
The good --- the lyrics.
The bad --- his choreo. This choreo did not feel fresh. He used the same dancers for all 3 songs which prpbably gave him a sense of security but also did not allow him to expand as an artist in his solo journey.
JK needs to seek out new choreographers who can push his limits. He should take a page from TXT and Jimin who always have the coolest choreo for each new song.
The neutral -- the melody. This song is a hodgepodge of sounds. Not sure I love or hate it. I need more time to sit with it.
The lyrics are soo good - sexy, but in a powerful, impactful, grown-up way.
No more: "Night after night, I'll be fucking you right" or "I wanna see it in motion, in 3D".
Instead, we get this:
"Screamin', I testify this lovin"
"Leave ya body golden like the sun and the moon"
"It's deeper than the pain/ When it's deep like DNA/ Somethin' they can't take away"
These lyrics, man. I know that they are not that deep, but they get me in my feelings. This is the type of thing the protagonist in a book would say to their love interest. The type of thing everyone dreams of hearing at least once in their lifetime. I don't know about you, but those types of lyrics get me going much more than any song about "champagne confetti," "making it rain," etc. It's grown-up, it's manly, it's beyond sexy.
Since we haven't actually seen the entirety of the choreo, just snippets of it in the video, I will refrain from making an assessment yet, but so far, I like it. Yes, it isn't the most original choreo ever. A lot of the moves are MJ inspired, but it suits the song, and I actually see this choreo as a step-up from JK's usual style, which is more about popping and strength than groove and smoothness (not that he isn't smooth usually, or that this choreo doesn't require strength but you get me).
I completely disagree with you about the backup dancers. Lots of permormers use the same teams. Think about Sunmi, for example, or Hwasa. Jimin will probably also use his regular dancers for the next comeback if they fit the choreo. Also, JK's "backup dancers" are much more than just that. All of them are well-known dancers and choreographers, who usually are the performers and have their own backup dancers. It's an honor for JK to have such a line-up behind him. Not only are they very experienced, but since all of them are choreographers, he can actively learn from them too, especially when performing their own choreos.
As for the melody, well, it really is quite busy on the ears. I can see why someone may find it a little "noisy," but personally, I love that it has some texture to it. I love that you can hear different instruments, and not just a singular, computer generated beat. It has progression, and it's groovy. It's a "love it" from me, but of course, music is so personal. We like what we like, at the end of the day.
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