#everyone at the suicide prevention hotline has a bad connection

[g0rechan]

741-741

That’s the number you gave me when I was posting similar things like your last post.

Use it.

I love you. Ik this sounds parasocial but idc. You’re my only friend. I have no friends irl and chatting and vibing with you online has got me through incredibly difficult times for me. I was so lonely and still am, I had strong urges to commit suicide but you got me through it.

Please, use it. You’re an incredible person who’s funny and pretty and creative.

Call me a parasocial bitch all you want but I really want you to get help.

I did, I did call that number. I cried so hard and -aside from the time my dog died- it was genuinely the first time I’ve cried in such a long time.

I’ve been in such a dark place for god knows how long. It’s been so damn stressful and insane. The only thing preventing me from killing myself is friends, my art, fashion, and the events I get to attend with people. I love hanging out with friends, it distracts me from all my worries and all the bad that I know about.

I didn’t start feeling this way until I had to start adulthood with no preparation whatsoever and worry about paying bills and break my back to put a payment on my car that shouldn’t even be that ridiculously high (seriously, fuck capitalism).

And my parents tell me that I need to get over it bc I’m an adult and that stress is a part of life and that I’m not mentally ill, I’m a spoiled brat. Like WTF?! Yeah ik life is stressful, but I’m not allowed to be stressed??

I’m sure they were just as stressful as I am when they started adulthood. Especially since my mom was a fucking teenager when she had me and had to work jobs while my father was attending night school at the time since he had to drop out to support his family.

Ig they just don’t remember? Or maybe because they’re both in the upper middle class quadrant that they feel like they’re so much better than people who are struggling- Yes, I still live with them but I can’t consider myself as part of their family with how fucking irritatingly unhelpful they are.

I wanna go back to who I was as a teenager. Not caring, loving everyone… not being the bitter, angry, vindictive bitch that I am now. Before I used to be so happy when others were happy, but now whenever I get a manic episode and I see, like, idk a rich person or rich and upper middle class kids who didn’t have to grow up in poverty like I did, I feel bitter. Like, physically. I can feel it building up inside me and spewing into my mouth.

And once I get out of my episode, I feel so fucking stupid. It’s so childish and terrible, the last time I felt this way was when I was like, what? 12-13?? I’m like, “cmon, Miliani. Really?”.

I tell myself I should be happy, I have many friends and everyone is always telling me I’m so pretty, and artistic, and so many boys and even girls have crushes on me and try to get me stuff for free sometimes.

And I’m upset because, what? I don’t have money?? One minor thing that won’t make more of a person if I did??

… I don’t want to be rich. I just want to be financially comfortable. That is fucking all. And if I can’t be financially stable, I’d at least want people to care. I want people to understand.

I also just wanna have a connection with my mommy again instead of her being angry at me. I want to just be happy with what I have.

It sucks bc I can feel happy sometimes, but the bad thoughts always come back. It’s like my brain doesn’t want me to be happy. I talked to the suicide hotline and they recommended that I’d see my school counselor to get free accommodations for getting a proper mental diagnosis…

Overall, I don’t hate myself or my life. It’s just mental illness and the stress of this new stage in life is taking an absolute fucking toll on me.

I’m just glad that I finally know the root cause of my problems now instead of attacking myself and others in blind rage.

I’ll help myself, like I did with you. I feel good that I was able to help you through all the sad and stressful things in your life.

As of now, the thoughts are gone. They’ve come and gone all day, everyday. I know the thoughts will come back but til then. I want to strive to be the best version of myself. I want to learn to love and again. I want to be that caring, selfless, sweet girl again. And I know I can do it, with the help of friends and therapy.

When I learn to love myself, I can learn to love others again.

Thank you.

#I’m sorry luv I didn’t mean to bombard you with so much #vent #tw vent #vent post #personal vent #anger #rage

[dropintomanga]

“My Broken Mariko” Reveals a Broken Real World

“I’m so broken...I don’t know where to start fixing myself anymore.”

As someone who’s experienced thoughts of suicidal ideation, I can say that Waka Hirako’s My Broken Mariko is a title that hits me harder than most media do when it comes to the topic of suicide. The manga, which I think is one of the best manga of 2020, does not hold any hands throughout the story and there’s so much to unpack. Reading this has made me think about my thought process on suicide and my belief that suicide is a very systemic issue that involves everyone.

My Broken Mariko is about a young woman named Tomoyo Shiino, who just found out her best friend since childhood, Mariko Ikagawa, killed herself a week after they hung out. Filled with despair and unable to process Mariko’s death, Tomoyo decides to go to visit the home of Mariko’s parents and steal Mariko’s ashes from them. Mariko had a history of being abused ever since she was little, so Tomoyo felt it was her duty to free Mariko from that burden. After taking Mariko’s ashes, Tomoyo goes on a journey to a place called Marigaoka Cape as she remembers Mariko wanted to go there with her. Tomoyo goes through hell and back to let Mariko’s ashes be free in nature, but she does eventually start to realize that the best way to honor Mariko’s life is to keep living.

I’m not sure where to start with this. I’ve read multiple interviews with Waka Hirako since there was a good amount of promotion for My Broken Mariko. I wasn’t prepared for how absolutely realistic this story was. And I’m glad for that. Mariko’s history of being abused by her parents (and also a boyfriend when was an adult) shows how prevalent victim-blaming is. Mariko tells Tomoyo that her parents blame her for acting in ways that aren’t to their standards. Everything’s her fault, Mariko says. While Tomoyo was there to support her, Mariko didn’t have extra help beyond that. She had no one else, professional and/or peer-wise, who can empathize with her struggles. Mariko felt too defined by her circumstances to the point where she didn’t know who to turn to anymore for the help she truly needed.

In one moment of her journey to Marigaoka Cape, Tomoyo lashes out in anger at Mariko and herself at a bar. The words she says made me think about how suicide is treated by almost everyone.

“My memories of her keep fading away, even as I stand here! I’ll only remember her as perfect...even though - I thought she was such a pain...so many times..!”

The last part where Tomoyo where she said that Mariko was annoying due to her constant troubles says a lot. Almost everyone doesn’t know how to deal with heavy issues. We’re not equipped to talk about darkness because emotions are placed in this dichotomy of being either good or bad. I sometimes thinks no one wants to admit that we might end up in bad situations ourselves compared to anyone we love who’s suffering/has suffered.

I’ve been thinking a lot of suicide prevention lately as suicide rates continue to rise despite more awareness and helplines. There’s a question posed by a mental health professional about where to go with dealing with loss in this Mad in America article about suicide hotlines tracing calls to the harm of disenfranchised people who need help.

“Is it the path where everyone is so terrified to talk about suicide because of consequences, like having the cops called on you even by confidential hotlines? Or is it the path where we know that we’re going to lose people, and we create as much space as we possibly can to be with people in darkness and talk openly about this and support people?”  

I wondered if people like Mariko were so afraid to talk about their emotional pain due to fear of consequences. I also wondered if people like Tomoyo are unable to deal with so much darkness. I remember how I was hospitalized back then and how my high school friends all distanced themselves from me slowly but surely. No one wanted to put up with my mental illness back then.

Also, I wanted to kill myself back in 2016. I made an awful mistake of saying that I wanted to die on Twitter. I thought someone wanted me dead. A colleague of mine thankfully called a hotline for help. Police actually came to my door that night after midnight. I calmed myself before then after realizing I couldn’t do it. My interaction with the cops ended up with no consequences.

To be honest, I’m afraid of dealing with cops and hospitals due to my mental illness. I didn’t enjoy my hospital experience because it felt so limiting. I also realized at the time, my mental illness wasn’t as bad as it was initially perceived. I did discuss that I faked hearing voices in my head for attention. It’s tricky for professionals to handle cases like me because you do have to take things seriously when it comes to mental illness. 

But I also realize that the mental health system is sometimes too standardized for its own good. A bunch of its solutions do not work well with people (especially minorities) that experience trauma from societal circumstances. A mental health treatment that works well with middle-class white folks may not work at all with a black person stuck in poverty. Yes, Mariko was so broken that she was beyond help. But what if the help she got wasn’t enough or made things worse? 

I loved how Tomoyo tells Mariko in her own mind that it was never her fault and that it was the people in her life that projected their insecurities onto her. Tomoyo does wish that Mariko asked her to die alongside her. I can’t blame her for thinking that as there’s so much hyper-individualism ruining what it means to connect with someone in a meaningful way. Tomoyo and Mariko had a genuine friendship that was still maintained despite their evolving lives.

At the end of the story, Tomoyo opens up a final letter from Mariko mailed to her before she died and the contents of the letter are unknown to the reader. All we see is Tomoyo’s response, “Mm-hmm,” while she holds the letter to her face. It’s very open-ended, but I think that’s the point. Human beings are complicated creatures full of entanglements that make and/or break them. We all have kinds of feelings that can’t be easily labeled despite whatever perception is given of us. We’re all open-ended in our own ways. 

That’s why I wish more people “open up” and realize that suicide is a people problem. There’s people who say having suicidal thoughts is abnormal. Let me say this - if you are oppressed by all kinds of stressors and impacts that are usually caused by other people and no one truly cared about you, I think it’s normal to feel as if dying is your option. I sometimes feel that we have too many people well off compared to people who aren’t. Maybe that’s one reason why thoughts related to death are so taboo. 

I’ll reveal something that most people don’t know - I still think about death sometimes. I just don’t let it overwhelm me. Or maybe I realized that I’m sick of certain injustices in the world. Thinking about suicide was somewhat of a stance against that. It’s similar to what martyrs believe. However, I do feel that you need to focus on the light hidden in that darkness (sounds Kingdom Hearts-ish, but it’s also true) and make it so that living is a better option. It takes a people solution to find that. I found that I wasn’t alone in how I thought at times and it helped me a bunch to process what I was feeling.

There’s a wonderful line near the end of My Broken Mariko and it’s found on a beach sign. It said “Suicide isn’t a crime, but littering is.” I sometimes feel that suicide is still treated as a crime even by those who want to help. I think that’s why you hear questions like “Why did they do this? How could they?” Most police responses to people with mental illness do not end well. Sometimes, psychiatric help does more harm than good. I’ve had bad psychiatrist/therapist experiences that felt too “medical.” That’s why I want more community efforts emphasized to tackle suicide and not just only rely on the standard solutions.

This is what I think My Broken Mariko is calling for - a communal stand against the injustices that lead people to consider suicide as an option. And I’m glad someone like Waka Hirako feels the same way I do.

There’s a wonderful guide on Psyche, “How to talk to a suicidal friend” with resources and books. Also, please remember that it’s possible that you can’t save someone in the end even if you tried as best you could to help (like Tomoyo did for Mariko) and no one should ever shame you for that. Here’s a list of resources for suicide bereavement.

#My Broken Mariko #manga #mental health #suicide #psychology #josei manga

[x-nephophile-x]

To the anon who just messaged me- I do not want to post your ask because it felt personal-  I do agree that Johnny definitely shows signs of depression, and I’m glad you can see yourself represented in that aspect in a character But to you, and anyone else who might be in this headspace, depression is very heavy and suffocating honestly. I do not have a depressive mental illness but I do get depressive episodes in regards to my GAD, and they are encompassing. It can make you angry, vengeful, apathetic, twisted between wanting no one to ever have to feel like you do and wanting everyone to feel like you do, and that can lead to even more distressing feelings like feeling as though you’re a bad person. I just want to say, you are a good person and you are dealing with a hell of a load. Depression is not easy.  If this can help you as it helped me during my psychology courses this year, remember that all these thoughts and feelings you have with depressive episodes are is just misfires in your brain. I know the feelings can be overwhelming, overbearing, and it can feel like the whole world is caving in. As a religious person, sometimes I felt as if I was being punished by God himself. But I promise that this can simply be broken down into biology. Nothing is wrong with you, your thoughts and feelings don’t make you a bad person, and it does get better, I promise that. If you find yourself struggling with these feelings, please do not fear seeking help of any kind- whether that is through counseling, talking to friends, family, or teachers or guidance counselors at school, etc. Your struggle is valid and real and there is nothing wrong at all with seeking help of any kind, it does not make you weak, or mean anything more than just a misfire in your brain. It is no different than having a flu and going to a doctor for help, it just means the sickness is in your brain instead of your blood cells. Below are some resources that can help. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA): 1-800-662-HELP (4357) SAMHSA’s behavioral health treatment services locator is an easy and anonymous way to locate treatment facilities and other resources, such as support groups and counselors, to treat and manage depression. National Hopeline Network: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433) If your depression is leading to suicidal thoughts, call the National Hopeline to connect with a depression treatment center in your area. The Hopeline also offers a live chat feature for those who don’t want to (or are unable to) call and can dispatch emergency crews to your location if necessary. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)This national hotline is another valuable resource for people whose depression has escalated to suicidal or other harmful thoughts. Their network of crisis centers provide emotional support and guidance to people in distress and are also available via a chat service and a special hotline number for the hearing impaired: 1-800-799-4889. National Youth Crisis Hotline: [phone] This resource provides brief interventions for youth who are dealing with pregnancy, sexual abuse, child abuse, depression and suicidal thoughts. They also provide referrals to local counseling, treatment centers, and shelters. 

#mental health #mental health support resources

[asking-jude]

I really want to kill myself. The only reason I don't is my partner and they're not even sure about being with me. Every time I try to get help I get yelled at and told I'm wrong. Everyone's trying to talk me out of going to the ward. My country doesn't have a suicide hotline unless you're with certain insurance companies. I don't think I'll be missed much. I don't expect advice or anything just needed to tell someone and you seem like a kind soul. You bring a lot of good into this world. More than I ever could. But maybe I can at least take a little bad out of it.

You would be missed. You really would be; the world is a better place because you’re here in it. Maybe you don’t think so, but you’re still here and you’re able to make your family and friends happy just by being here. Even if your partner wants to end the relationship, they still have positive memories with you and got to grow and learn alongside you. You can make a barista smile or hold a door open for a stranger or tell a kid their backpack is open. Or you could pet a friendly dog or feed the birds in your yard or talk to the friendly neighborhood cat. 

If you’re worried about making an impact on the world, you have your entire life to figure that out, but you can only do that if you’re still here. It’s okay to find something temporary to live for; that’s how some folks manage to keep going. I have a friend who lived for her dog for a while because she was in your shoes; it was a baby step towards getting help and moving out and making a better life for herself. It could be living for the lovely sunrise, tasty coffee, a loving pet, anything. Holding onto temporary things gives you the strength to hold onto more permanent things. You’ll eventually learn that you deserve to thrive, not just survive.

I do have some resources here about suicide prevention from around the world that may help:

https://twloha.com

This is an organization called To Write Love on Her Arms; it’s all about supporting people with depression, addiction, and suicidal tendencies.

https://www.who.int/health-topics/suicide#tab=tab_1

This is from the World Health Organization.

https://www.iasp.info/wspd2019/

This is from the World Suicide Prevention Day website.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention.htm

This site has information about suicide prevention and resources for people struggling with suicidal ideation.

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/suicide-prevention

This site has information about suicide prevention and resources for people struggling with suicidal ideation.

Perhaps getting involved with a charity is a step forward? You feel like you won’t be missed or that you don’t make a positive impact on the world, so perhaps this will give you a chance to make a positive impact. To Write Love on Her Arms is one such charity, especially since they’re all about suicide prevention. Perhaps connecting with people in your shoes and supporting them will give you a new lease on life. 

No matter what happens, you deserve to live and thrive, not just survive. I imagine your partner possibly wanting to leave isn’t making things easier for you right now. What I suggest is talking to them about this and see if that’s what they really want. They may not want to leave! If they don’t, see what you can both do to keep the relationship healthy and allow both of you to have healthy boundaries. 

If they do, let them go. Build a support network that doesn’t involve them; you can’t force them to stay. Them leaving does not mean you’re unlovable or awful; you are still a person worthy of love and support. 

I suggest using the resources above to see if you can find resources for yourself that won’t break the bank. It’s upsetting that you absolutely need insurance or else you’re on your own, so keep looking for international resources. Perhaps you can find a mental health professional in the process. You can even search up TalkSpace or Better Help for tele-therapy options that don’t require insurance. 

Please remember that you deserve to be happy. You are worthy of love and happiness. You deserve support. Don’t hesitate to reach back out if you need anything.

Socially-distanced hugs,

Angelica Barile

Asking Jude has moved to its OWN platform at askingjude.org. We will still be answering submissions on Asking Jude, but the new website’s submissions will take priority. We highly recommend you create an account on Asking Jude’s website, so you can receive 24/7 support from the Asking Jude Team and our community members. 

[homieno]

PSA for everyone

 I know with everything that’s going on right now we are all feeling very stressed and a lot of us are feeling quite lonely. I haven’t seen anyone talking about it but i feel it’s important to acknowledge that this pandemic is going to cause a spike in suicide and suicide attempts. And just a downfall in mental health in general! This is a service post and I’m reminding and urging everyone to stay safe and not let the depression win. Though we are separated, we are all in this together. 

TIPS FOR STAYING BUSY

-Crafts! I work at michaels and since this outbreak has started we’ve been super busy, everyone is buying craft supplies for themselves and their children and it’s a very valid thing to prioritize! So keep yourself busy by learning a new skill or craft, or practicing one you already know! You’re isolated remember so it doesn’t have to be good! it’s for yourself

- Reading! I’m assuming the Fic content is going to skyrocket soon with everyone being stuck at home so we should be able to keep ourselves endlessly busy with that but also real books! There is something so comforting about holding a psychical copy in your hand and getting lost. Romanticize it; curl up with your favourite blanket, a candle and a cup of tea (or coffee or water) and get lost in a story. Get lost in another life that isn’t this one right now. 

I really like to use a site called ambientmixer when I’m reading or writing. It lets you pick a place in the world and it plays the background noises making it seem like you’re in that place! I usually put on the hogwarts library or coffeeshop and it’s very subtle 

-And on that note as well! Writing!! Write stuff down, write about anything. It doesn’t have to be good, it doesn’t have to be an entirely well structured plot line, it doesn’t have to be posted. Write for yourself, do things for yourself in this time. It’s easy to get overwhelmed at a blank page but just remember you have all the time in the world right now. 

-Learn something new; a new language, a new skill, anything! Try and dedicate a little time to it each day, and make sure it’s something that makes you happy. Love Space? Try and learn some things about stars and galaxies. Love mythology? There are infinite online resources and stories. We’re all going to come out of this as much more interesting people this way. 

-Clean clean clean. Hey, it’s still spring right? That’s the ultimate time to do a big deep clean and this way it doesn’t have to be an entire day committed to cleaning your entire house. I know for me knowing i have so much to do in such little time makes me tired just at the thought of it. So take this opportunity and space things out, as little or as much as you want. But I think this is very important because a big trigger for a lot of mental and emotional stress is the environment we live in and it’s more important than ever to have a calm space. 

Here’s a link by another tumblr user about cleaning when it seems overwhelming

-Redecorate! We all know the feeling of when we were kids and we’d move our room around and feel like a new person. And quite honestly we all need that feeling in our lives every once in a while.

-Start a new series, or rewatch an old loved series. While it’s important that we don’t spend our entire time on the couch let’s also be real, we are the netflix and chill generation and we’re just lying to ourselves if we don’t think we’re gonna spend a day or 5 binging TV. So pull up your streaming site, pick a good show, grab some snacks and come back to this post in 2-5 business days. 

-Meditate. I find that people often associate meditation with spirituality and higher power stuff, which yes in spiritual practice meditation is very important but that’s mostly for it’s ability to calm and center people. It’s going to be very easy to find yourself overwhelmed and anxious when you’re alone with your thoughts 24/7 and meditation can be really beneficial. It’s very simple too and not as daunting as you might think! You can find a quiet space and sit or lay down, it can be done on your bed if you’d like! And you can play some soft music (without lyrics or something soft like a coffee house playlist), or listen to a podcast even, this can be done in silence also! You don’t have to do anything other than stay still and try and focus your thoughts. To stop them from becoming entirely overwhelming. There’s so many good videos for breathing exercises and some really good guided meditations as well if you’d like to be told exactly what to do. The purpose of this is just to ground yourself and give yourself some time to be calm and have control of your thoughts.

Here are some links to videos:

1 

2 

3

Now I can give you all these tips and ideas for staying sane but we also need to face the fact that when you’re struggling with mental illness as so many of us are it’s impossible to just ignore those thoughts and feelings. It’s very important that we reach out before things get too hard. I’d also like to say that if you’re feeling depressed or anxious and you need to talk you don’t have to be planning on attempting suicide or hurting yourself. Help lines and crisis lines are for anybody and I know you may be feeling like your issues are bad enough to reach out but they are! and you should reach out before they get worse! My DM’s are also always open to people who need to talk, I am not a professional but I’ve been there myself and I know sometimes it can help to just dump all of your problems into someones inbox, let that be mine. 

Here are some Crisis and help lines that can help save a life:

Crisis Service Canada 1-833-456-4566 and you click on the link for more information and the instructions for Texting a crisis line

National Suicide prevention Hotline [phone] (United States)

Europe Hotlines

Crisis Textline UK

AGAIN! These crisis lines are not just for suicidal people, it is important to reach out if you are feeling mentally ill and you need help. You do not need to be standing on a ledge in order to ask for help. 

Stay connected with your loved ones during this time and try not to isolate yourself more than you already are. Text and call your friends, connect with new people online (but be safe)

Do happy things!

Write your best friend daily letters and give it to them at the end of this whole thing and let that be something to look forward to, create something for someone else and let that be a drive to make it through this. 

Everybody please do everything you can to stay safe during this hard time and do not be afraid to reach out! Your feelings are always valid and you are not being needy or annoying for wanting to talk to people all the time and wanting attention! Those feelings are valid! You are not being dramatic if you’re feeling super depressed or anxious! Your feelings are always Valid! I love you all and I’m so sorry this is something we are going through.

This virus is an attack on our Physical health but just as importantly it is very much so affecting our mental health!

Please feel free to add things in order to provide more resources and help for everyone!

#covid19 #corona #self care #psa #signal boost #tip #cleaning #crafts #art #helpline #suicide #mental health #mental illness #depression #eating disorder

[maxineswritingcenter]

Alone

@laphirablack : Hey. My depression hit hard this week and I was wondering if you could do a dean x reader fic where she has depression, but has always dealt with it alone because everytime opened up people used her shit against her. And one day she has a break down and ends up telling Dean about her crap. A lot of angst and a lot a fluff too plz

-------------------------------------------------

The hunt wasn't an easy one. Trying to get it done herself just left her beaten and bruised. (Y/N) needed help. It wasn't something easy for her to say. Relying on people has only left her defeated in a different sense of the word. After making a call to Garth, the new Bobby Singer for hunters, she waited outside her motel room.

Garth told her that he trusted these guys with his life, that they were family. She would see about that. But if these guys were good to Garth, then they might be alright. Garth had become her friend after her last partner got herself killed. Part of (Y/N) thought that it was all her own fault. Her partner had been selfish and rude and blamed everything that went wrong on (Y/N).

"Maybe if you weren't huddled up in the motel all day we could have gotten this taken care of!"

"You should actually fight the monsters, I can't protect your ass forever."

"Stop zoning out when I'm talking to you, your family is dead, get over it."

(Y/N)'s train of thought ended when the putter of a black Chevy Impala lifted her head up. The classic car parked next to her. Two very tall individuals got out. Garth had told me very distinct things about the brothers. That the tall one was Sam and he was okay with hugs. While Dean, the shorter of the two, was a little more reluctant. Those were Garth's priorities.

"You (Y/N)?" Dean asked as he shut the driver side door.

"Last time I checked." She held out a silver knife, "Touch it." The brother complied and touched the blade. They were who they said they were. She took out her flask of holy water and sprits the two. They both closed their eyes. Dean pursed his lips and gave her what she could only call a blue steel face.

"Satisfied?" Dean asked.

"I got trust issues." She said, stuffing the flask back into her jacket pocket.

"We understand." Sam gave her a warm smile, "Garth said you had a werewolf problem."

"Emphasis on problem. This guy is nuts. He's a rogue who killed his entire pack. Then he went and made a pact with a witch. I'm lucky I got out without being turned." She shook her head.

"Well you called the right guys. We gotta few tricks up our sleeves for the witch bitch and her guard dog." Dean smiled, "I mean. We're kind of known for it. Stopping the apocalypse and all that."

She rolled her eyes, "My rooms right here, I'll show you want I know. I wanna get this done before the full moon." Sam nodded, gave his brother look and then followed (Y/N) inside.

Once inside, (Y/N) gave them both all the pictures and info she had on the case.

"So he just blows into town one day and just starts killing people?" Sam asked looking over the file.

"Ahuh." she nodded, sitting on the motel bed, "I got an informant works at the local bar. The place is known as a safe house for Supernaturals. He said that he came in and just started talking a lot of lip about how he killed his pack and was looking for fresh meat. The others threw him out. They're straight edge, only eat animals. Last thing they want is some rogue walking in and getting them caught on hunter radar."

"So he gets kicked out. Finds a witch." Dean said.

"Yeap. They must have some sort of connection because from my experience, werewolves and witches don't usually mix." She leaned back on her elbows.

"You know where they're hidin' out?" Dean asked.

"Yeah. The hotel in the middle of town. The fancy once. Doing to just to piss me off." She flopped on her back and yawned.

"Well, we'll let you sleep. You seem exhausted." Sam smiled and took the papers, "We can look into a couple things and get back with you in the morning."

"Sounds good to me." She showed them out and closed the door.

"Great... More people to get killed." She sighed and fell back on her bed. Just staring up at the ceiling for what felt like minutes but was actually hours. She blinked and looked at her bedside alarm clock. 3am.

"Jesus..." She sighed and rubbed her face. She either couldn't sleep or slept too much. There was no inbetween. She sighed and got up, heading out of the room and to her car. She leaned back against the hood and sighed. She stared up at the sky, a train wreck of negative thoughts in her head. She wasn't good enough. She should just quit hunting. Everyone kept dying around her and it was all her fault. She was worthless.

"Couldn't sleep either?" Dean's gruff voice brought her away from her thoughts. She wiped her eyes and shrugged.

"Yeah." Dean took a place besides her against the hood. He looked over, recognizing the tell tale signs of tears.

"You wanna talk about it?" He asked, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"Why would you care?" She grumbled and sniffled.

"Well. Look at it like this." He clicked, "I don't know you. I can't judge you. Besides, you never know I might understand."

(Y/N) shook her head and looked up, trying to will away tears.

"It's.... " She let out a little sob and wiped her face, "I just feel like I'm not good enough..."

"To be a hunter?" He asked, facing her.

"To do anything. To be alive. Everyone I know keeps dying because I'm not good enough to protect them. Everyone keeps dying and it's my fault. Because I'm this useless pathetic wreck!"

Dean put a hand on her shoulder, "Look. Hunting ain't easy. If it was everyone would do it. And yeah, we lose people. Hell, Sammy's the only family I got left. And you feel useless sometimes because the monsters too strong-"

"Its not monsters." She tried to say.

"It is. Those ideas, the monsters, in your head that you're not good enough are just as bad as the real ones out here. But we all find out way. But when you need help, and you feel like you can't take it, asking for help is the first start." Dean stared into her eyes, "You asked for help on the hunt. Talking to me now was asking for help. There's no shame in that." She didn't say anything for a while, just stood there and looked down at her boots.

After about ten minutes of silence she let out a faint whisper, "Thank you."

Dean patted her shoulder lightly, "Hunters gotta look out for each other. Even when it's off the job."

-

The hunt went a lot smoother with the help of the Winchesters. (Y/N) and Dean took out the witch, which gave Sam the opportunity to kill the werewolf who was a lot weaker without his witchy charms. The day after Dean and Sam were packing up the Impala. Sam was grabbing his bag, leaving Dean and (Y/N) in the parking lot.

"I just..." She but her lip thinking of what to say, "Thank you. For everything. Especially what you said the other night. I do need to get some help. I deserve that for myself."

Dean grinned, "I'm glad you're doin' that. You gotta be healthy. And I don't just mean takin a multi-vitamin." He nudged her.

She rolled her eyes, "Whatever, dad." She joked. She bit the inside of her cheek and acted on impulse, wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him tight. And Garth had been right, Dean was a little reluctant on hugs. But after a minute he hugged her, giving her a little squeeze before letting go. About that time, Sam had come out of the room.

"All set!" He called and tossed his bag in the back.

Dean waved at him, "You need anything, give us a call." He got into the Impala.

"I will!" She called as the backed up. She waved as they drove away. Feeling a little better.

-------------------------------------------------

Depression is not a plot device and was only written this way as a gateway into others getting help. It's hard to ask for help sometimes.

If you are struggling, reach out to a trusted friend or family member. We have to look out for each other.

If you are having thoughts against your self, please call 1 (800) 273 -8255 - National Suicide Prevention Hotline

#dean winchester x reader #dean winchester imagine #dean x reader #dean winchester #supernatural fic #supernatural creatures #supernatural reader insert #supernatural imagine #supernatural #supernatural one shot

[mittensmorgul]

9.06, Heaven Can't Wait.

YAY! BOBO!

so I neglected to mention Buddy Boyle and Bartholomew the fallen angel, and all the angel factions forming in the 9.03 report because I was trying to get through it as fast as possible, but ugh... guess I gotta mention them eventually. There, I mentioned them, just about as much as this episode did. :P

But this is directly relevant to Cas's current state of mind, which is relevant to the overall plot of this episode, because of Rit Zien angel and why he's come to this town where Cas has tried to make a life for himself as Sales Associate Steve. The Rit Zien seeks out pain-- originally mortal wounds on battlefields-- and either heals or else "humanely puts down" angels he cannot heal. Except, as Cas will explain in this episode, he doesn't understand human emotions, and that emotional pain is temporary... and then we learn that the Rit Zien was drawn to this town by the magnitude of Cas's suffering specifically. Which, if that's not a statement on Cas's current emotional state, I don't know what is.

The first victim we see is a man who literally hangs up on a suicide prevention hotline because he lost his wife. He even has a gun, but changes his mind when faced with the Rit Zien, but he gets exploded into pink goo anyway.

The next is a high school girl suffering a normal level of teenage angst, telling a friend she could just die of embarrassment because her boyfriend broke up with her in the cafeteria in front of everyone but in no way meaning it literally, and poof... pain disintegrated.

Despite his own pain having been kicked out of the bunker and feeling completely abandoned by Dean, Cas still calls Dean to alert him to the strange cases in town, but tells Dean he won't participate in the hunt. Dean manages to track Cas down working at the Gas N Sip anyway (Cas never told him where he worked), and pulls Cas into working the case with him.

There's the whole Nora thing, which Cas thought was a date but was actually a babysitting job... When the Rit Zien shows up for Cas, he thinks it's for the baby, running a fever and crying. But he's actually there for Cas.

CASTIEL: How'd you find me? EPHRAIM: Because you're warded? The same way I find all my patients – I just followed the sound of your pain. You have no idea how loud it is. I could hear you for miles.

And then the question we've been waiting on an answer for ever since:

EPHRAIM: Shh-shh-shhh. It'll be over soon. I'll take the pain away. CASTIEL: I want to live. EPHRAIM: But as what, Castiel? As an angel? or a man?

Because back in s9, this question remains directly tied to PAIN. To SUFFERING.

CASTIEL (to the baby): Nobody told you. Nobody explained. You're just … shoved out kicking and screaming into this human life, without any idea why any of it feels the way it feels, or why this confusion, which feels like it's … a hair's breadth (The baby stops crying.) from terror or pain. You know, just when you think you do understand, it'll turn out you're wrong. You didn't understand anything at all. Guess that's just how it is when you're new at this.

He thought he understood, and he's only just beginning to truly understand (and I mean, Crowley as almost-human this season too, despite having been human originally long ago, still suffers with the burden of human emotions, equating what demons and angels are capable of feeling even way back here, long before 10.03 when Cas will make that same comparison).

Cas is feeling the guilt of what's happened to the angels, and he's already hurting over it. So when Sam and Kevin discover (with Crowley's help) that the angel fall spell is irreversible, Dean doesn't tell Cas that fact thinking he's protecting Cas from even worse guilt. But meanwhile, it's still a major source of Cas's pain (and Dean's pain, because hell if he doesn't want to bring Cas back to the bunker here, but can't as long as Sam isn't healed enough...)

EVERYBODY'S SUFFERING! Lies all around. Dean specifically tells Sam that he won't be seeing Cas on this hunt, and yet he spends the entire time pretty much with Cas. But also Dean, lying to everyone, trying to manage his mounting lies in the name of protecting (or in the language of 14.08, "not wanting to burden them") or just out of pure FEAR because this situation is officially so far above his pay grade and he can't even talk to ANYONE about how bad it actually is without the whole thing crumbling down around him... and that's not even considering the Fallen Angels Fighting Amongst Themselves situation on top of all his personal shit...

Which interestingly is paralleled in the experiences of young Dean in the flashbacks in the next episode...

spn 9.07, Bad Boys.

Dean's put in a situation way above his pay grade, having been left to "rot" by John after getting in trouble for shoplifting enough for him and Sam to eat while John was off somewhere else on a hunt and Dean had been left in charge again. John had demanded that Dean tell Sam a very different story, one that not only covered Dean's "shame" at having been caught shoplifting and abandoned by John for several months while Sam was "shipped off to Bobby's" (and remember, Sam would've been about 11 years old at the time, ie old enough to have understood the truth of the situation, but maybe not why John refused to get Dean from Sonny's, that to John this was a form of punishment for Dean-- both isolation from everything he's ever known AND forced separation from Sam, like John was punishing him for failing to take care of Sam by isolating him completely...), but also was about John hiding his OWN culpability in any of this happening in the first place. Child abandonment, neglect, the fact he regularly left the boys on their own and disappeared for weeks or months at a time leaving them to fend for themselves on whatever meager sum he left them. Which, I mean, YIIIIIKES.

And this episode was really the start of my "sanitized for sammy" and "the story became the story" tags, of how fundamental to their codependency these small lies have always been, since they were children (and yeah, we saw that going all the way back to s1, with 1.18, 3.08, 4.13... pretty much all the flashback episodes, but this is where Dean gave that calculated deception a name-- "the story became the story.")

We really see the extent of Dean's lifelong struggle with managing all these secrets begins to break down, which exactly parallels his "bigger story arc" issues in early s9. With all that in mind, it's no wonder he breaks and feels his ultimate failure connected with the collapse of the tower of lies that all started with the best of intentions, and just spiraled out of his control. All in the name of protecting his loved ones.

Kinda like Dean trying to keep John's horrific final words from Sam back in s2 (even though that only lasted a few episodes), kinda like Sam hiding the truth back in s4, kinda like Cas hiding the truth in s6. So now they all will have this fun little problem in common (less dumb, less ass...)

But more interesting to me than the actual circumstances of this episode specifically, is how these lies begin to slowly unravel throughout the episode, and how the truth finally coming out affects everything going forward.

First Sam begins to learn the truth about that time, but it's still not really the whole truth. Dean plays it off as his own fault, shrugging the experience off. Sam also can't figure out why Dean's not only kept in touch with Sonny all these years, but also actually told him the truth about the hunting. The deeper truth slowly comes out in bits and pieces. And then there's Robin, who Dean never told the truth to in the past who learns it all in a shocking way... seeing it first-hand.

This had been Dean's one real "escape to normalcy" of the sort that Sam had spent most of his life running away toward (and which Dean's being forced by circumstance now to push Cas toward... let's not forget that the original airing order of these episodes put 9.06 AFTER this episode... which is why I've smooshed the two of these into one way-too-long post). And let's remember that it was only Dean's need to make sure Sam was safe that got him to leave Sonny's and return to John. He talked about his interest in fixing cars in this episode, and he could've had that life if he'd chosen to stay, because Sonny agreed to fight for him if he wanted that.

But even by the end of the episode, Sam only knows part of the truth, and Dean's still trying to protect himself with that tiny shard of a lie:

Sam: You just got lucky? Kind of like you did with this place. I mean, here I was thinking this was the worst part of your life, and it turns out it was the best. Why'd you ever leave? Dean: Never felt right. Sam: Really? Dean: It was two months, Sam, okay? And I couldn't wait to get out of here. I don't know what to tell you. It wasn't me.

And he can't bring himself to burden Sam with the truth, that it was literally Sam himself and his duty to protect him that made him choose to leave.

Then there's Timmy, losing his mother in a fire, Dean thinking it's the "I Clobber Evil" action figure that the mother's ghost is tied to, when in fact it was Timmy himself. Because it's not exactly that Dean sees himself in Timmy-- repeatedly running away from foster homes, clinging to "imaginary friends" -- It's SAM. He talks to Timmy like we have to imagine 16-year-old Dean would've talked to SAM. And doesn't that just say it all here.

And using this “decoder ring” of a couple episodes to help us unravel what happens when these dudes try to protect each other, to “not burden each other” with these sorts of secrets, things almost universally go sideways. Because this is, yes, what Cas was thinking in hiding his deal with the Empty to trade himself for Jack, but it’s also the sort of smaller concerns from each other regarding Jack’s behavior after 14.14. Each of them were worried for Jack, each of them had noticed small things in Jack, but NONE of them wanted to admit the truth to themselves, let alone to each other. Each of them held their tongues, not wanting to worry each other over Jack, or unfairly burden each other for nothing when all they really have are their individual suspicions and no actual concrete evidence that Jack’s soul is actually gone, you know? But the consequences of trying to protect each other are far more grave in s14...

#spn 9.06 #spn 9.07 #winchester family dynamics #lies and damn lies #the story became the story #sam sympathizes and dean empathizes #s14 hellatus rewatch #spiders georg of the tnt loop #the scheherazade of supernatural #spn 14.08 #spn 14.14 #it's spirals all the way down

[hirsuteandcute]

I'm giving up

idk if you'll receive this but. I feel like giving up on life. I've read so many stories on hirsutism and I'm absolutely stuck. I have all these thin black hairs covering my body that I find to be extremely uncomfortable. I'm more than positive that it's genetic because all of my siblings have it. I'm a suicidal 17 year old who suffers from depression. I can't get out of this. I'm an absolute wreck. I have an online boyfriend but I have no idea how to tell him about this. how can I tell him? I'm scared of his reaction, I love him so much. I want to get rid of all this hair once in for all. I'll feel free that way. im not happy. these hairs are the end of me. I won't graduate next year because I feel like I'll commit suicide. I simply can't deal with this. I'm constantly comparing myself to every woman I see. I see no point in life anymore, I look forward to nothing but to get rid of all these hairs. I'm so useless to this world. I'm offering nothing. I have no plan after high school and I absolutely want to end my life. I'm not happy, I just want all of this hair gone. I can't think of anything but this. I haven't gone to my doctor to check it out but I'm losing hope in even doing that. I regret shaving when I was in middle school. I feel like everything would've been so much better if I didn't. I'm losing a grip on life. :(

h&c: *hug hug hug hug* So sorry to hear this. Honestly your story reminds me so much of my own, 17 is such a difficult time because you’re going through so many transitions in your life - on top of having to deal with this horrible depression. 

- About your boyfriend; I really hope it all goes well with you, I know how scary it can be to open up about this, especially when you’ve formed a connection with someone you haven’t met in person. I guess my best advice would be, speak from your heart and don’t put too much pressure on yourself. I’ve said something like “I just wanted to let you know, I have this condition that means I have a lot of body hair and sometimes it really upsets me and makes me feel self conscious. I wanted to let you know because I trust you and value our relationship, and this is something that I struggle with/prevents me from feeling fully comfortable with people”. Just something simple and sincere (obviously you don’t have to use these exact words!). If someone really loves you, this won’t be a big deal and they’ll respect your feelings. Everyone has something they’re insecure about (or often, many things!)

- Take your time with school if it’s difficult to manage whilst dealing your depression. That’s what I did. I actually ended up dropping out of college twice because I wasn’t coping well. There’s so much pressure to pursue higher education as soon as possible, but actually school will always be there. I’ve seen 40 and 50 year olds attending college classes! 

- The most serious thing - the depression and suicidal thoughts. I really really think you need to seek professional help for this. It’s so important. Here is a huge list of international suicidal hotlines if ever you really feel like it’s too much. It may sound generic but things really do and can get better. I never would have thought that I would be at the point I am now, and even though things are still difficult, I’m managing to achieve things and find moments of happiness. Sometimes progress is slow, but that’s okay. There is still so much more to live for. 

- If you haven’t gone to a doctor yet, you can still try, just in case. Maybe it is just genetic, but it’s better to be safe than sorry, especially if you have other symptoms. 

- It’s okay that you shaved in middle school, when I was 11 I cut my arm hair off with a pair of safety scissors! It looked awful, but it grew back the same. It won’t make the hair any worse/thicker. 

- The feelings you have are okay (as in, they’re understandable and you’re not wrong or bad for having them) even though they feel rubbish. Most people don’t have a plan after high school tbh and often what you end up studying is not necessarily what you’ll spend your life doing. I thought I’d become a beauty therapist and now I’m a secretary. Honestly I’m almost 24 and I still don’t have a plan. It’s okay, just take life as it comes, things have a way of happening. Just focus now on looking after yourself, taking care of your mental health.

- Comparing is so normal, but also so destructive. I do it and have done it all the time. Like I can’t help it, even with my friends, and I found it affecting both the way I felt about them (jealous and resentful) and the way I feel about myself (ugly, not good enough). I guarantee you that every woman, and person in general, has something(s) they wish they could change, and things they will admire in you. It’s really hard not to compare but I just try think “I am myself and I can never be them. That’s okay, I’ll just focus on being the best me I can be”. Maybe it sounds a bit cheesy, but it’s been helping me.

Please don’t give up, even though I understand why you feel like you want to. Life is so hard, this condition is so hard, depression is so hard. But it’s still worth trying and believing that things will get better (and they will!). I love you, and I care about you, please don’t give up. Sending all my love and strength to you <3 xxx 

#submission #suicide mention//

[beanleaf]

i’m so sad tonight. i feel painfully alone and so invaluable. what did i do to deserve this life? to be dealt with so much sadness. i feel like i’ve only felt true happiness for maybe 5% of my life. how does that make living worth it? i have so much love and appreciation for others in my heart but i truly feel none in return. i know life isn’t fair but how is that right? i feel like i’m nothing to anyone unless i serve them in some way and even then it’s so fleeting. i truly just want to give up

Hey. I am sorry you feel so sad. I want you to know that even when you are sad you matter. You have value even if that value feels diluted by your sadness. What goes through your mind during depression is generally just bad stories and myths you tell  yourself. you’d be missed greatly if you did not exist. I will say that everyone serves a purpose to in relationships of any kind. Part of relationships is providing though that is not the only reason people keep others around. Life is worth it for a lot of little and big things. 

I want to say two years ago I called my mom and told her I wanted to die. When she didn’t understand I said no mom I actually want to die. I had no friends in new york, none I really connected with. A week later I was in therapy. A year later I was pregnant and had to get an abortion and every person I told, every new friend I made in that year offered to wake up at 7 even 6 am and come with me. A year later just this past October hanging out with friends every day. Sad things happen and sometimes we get dealt these sad cards and all you can do is play them. I know that doesn’t help you now, I know you will continue to feel sad, but I promise you that sadness you feel is not going to be 95% of your life. The only thing that can happen if you keep going is better things can happen, more people you can meet, more connections and love. Otherwise all it will ever have felt like was that 5%. 

Depression dramatizes and inflates these things we feel to worst case scenario. What if in considering the bad you considered what good could happen? 

I think the love you have you’ll find will come back to you. don’t be discouraged. Maybe it has come back and you haven’t even realized. but the magnitude of your warmth tends to come back equally or even three times greater. It could come in any way, platonic, romantic, or self love. Your willingness and love in your heart is so special and wonderful. You’ve explained all this hurt and yet you have this heart you tell me all about which is so worthy to continue spreading the love you are so selflessly giving. 

It seems you are going through something right now that feels hard and unfathomable and I want you to know that it happens to people sometimes. I don’t have all the right things to say or know what I should say. I am not suggesting this as a means to brush aside but there are places which can help you carry this weight you feel better than I can. Be gentle with yourself, give yourself a chance to get better. Even that is worth it. I think therapy or even just talking to an adult could open doors for resources for you that I alone cant open. Places you can go and things you can do. all worth a shot. 

Here are some numbers for the time being if you still feel the weight. IF you have HBO Gary Gulman has a really good standup where he talks about these things too, depression and anxiety called the great depresh tour, or the stand up stage fright by jenny slate. Those aren't fixes but a good laugh might sooth just a bit. Anyway. Please know therapy helped me heal and handle things so immensely better than ever before and I suggest this with the highest respect and intention of offering a real solution. 

I love you and I care about your 

suicide prevention hotline: [phone]

(if you don’t want to call theres a chat on their website) 

800-950-6264 another phone number 

Navigating mental health crisis  for more links and resources. 

[zitavoros]

serotonin machine broke

Resources:

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: [phone]

North Carolina Crisis Line: 1-919-231-4525

The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

There are also text and chat options online, and I highly encourage anyone needing support to reach out to friends, family, or the hotlines if you’re in a bad place.

At the beginning of the semester, when our Branding of Me professor told us we were going to have to write 2 blogs a week, I thought barely anything of it. 2 posts a week? Writing about myself? Easy.

Turns out, it's not as easy as I thought. Like anyone else, I have stories to tell and opinions I like to share, but putting myself on blast for everyone on the web to see is so much harder than I originally anticipated. Despite my efforts to engage with people in person or online, I find that my day-to-day interactions are very surface-level, and never breach the personal, and for good reason. I'm actually a pretty closed-off person, and like to be left alone for the most part.

Although I say I seek comfort in isolation, it has been proven over and over to be a major cause of death across all ages. It is comparable to the mortality rate of smoking, and twice as deadly as obesity. If you thought this blog was gonna go in a different direction, you're wrong.

My personal serotonin machine is broken. Not sure if it came faulty, or it gradually wore down from overuse, but it ain't working right now, nor has it worked since high school.

Talking about mental health without making self-deprecating jokes about depression and suicide is difficult for me, but it has to be done. I've been struggling with a number of problems, and it's recently taken a toll for the worse, resulting in inpatient hospitalization this past week. It was a highly embarrassing low point for me, one that I had gone through before many years ago, but did not expect to happen again. One of the leading factors for it happening was loneliness.

I don't know if it's because of my brain, or because I'm shy, but the cycle of depression and self-isolation is a common one, and not just for me. It's an unfortunate pattern, where depression fuels isolation, and isolation in turn worsens depression, or the other way around, depending on where you begin- depressed, or lonely. It'll be both one way or another.

Eventually, this can lead to problems like self-harm, substance abuse, even going as far as suicide.

Logically, my brain understands that turning down offers of hanging out and cancelling plans is worse for me during these times, but I can't help it. It becomes difficult to flash my customer-service smile all day, much less be an active participant in conversations. It's a lot easier to lay in bed and contemplate the meaning of life alone, despite how it negatively impacts things in the long-term.

Vulnerability inspires connection and change, though, and that is something that is reaffirmed almost every time I open up to someone. For a couple of years, I took part in Carolina United, a program that fosters dialogue about diversity on campus. In a week's time, during which we share our personal stories and discuss avenues for bringing positive change to campus, I've heard countless personal stories and have shared my own. It's during these moments of vulnerability that connections are sparked, and you feel closer for knowing things that otherwise may never be shared.

Problem is, I seek isolation during my worst times, when my brain refuses to do its thing and keep me feeling alright. My friendships, connections and accompanying support systems go out the window, often for months when I withdraw purposefully. This leaves little room for other feel-good tricks. Sometimes, certain coping mechanisms can help, but during times of emotional distress, writing down happy thoughts or drawing for fun does nothing to keep me from falling into a cycle of self-destructive habits, which include browsing social media, cutting, and often combining prescription medication with alcohol to numb feelings. Funnily enough, it's the social media that makes things worse- the rest make me feel better.  

Suicide is the tenth most common cause of death in the US, and loneliness is a major contributing factor. Personally, if you told me I would be dealing with a sudden spike in suicidal thoughts due to loneliness (*among other things*) I would've probably laughed. I have a significant number of friends on Facebook and Instagram who I interact with relatively frequently: how can I be lonely? Turns out, with the increasing prevalence of social media comes the loneliness epidemic, with younger generations the primary target for depression to hit due to negative social media experiences. The direct correlation of depression linked to loneliness from social media use is not offset by any positive interactions over the web, making the problem a persistent and ugly one.

Forbes has an amazing article and infographic outlining this epidemic. There are countless articles out there that discuss this problem- I’m only linking a small percent of them. Negative social media interactions worsen mental health. 

By negative interactions, the studies don't mean active harassment or bullying. People find themselves lost in comparing themselves to others, even while fully knowing that social media only highlights the good and hides the ugly. Regardless, loneliness increases through social media use, and like the depression-isolation cycle, the use of social media increases the more lonely someone feels. 

I can't say for certain how much of a correlation social media use has to do with my suicidal feelings, but it's definitely not been helping. Even my art account on Instagram, where I follow a plethora of artists I'm inspired by, makes me feel worse to scroll through. Facebook, with the constant posts of starting jobs and grad school acceptances, is a place I try to avoid but keep getting sucked back into. LinkedIn is similar, and Twitter is mostly the news for me, which is just a whole different avenue of negativity altogether.

I don't want to sound like a stereotypical old person, as I am only 23, but there is so much more value in face-to-face interaction than any online one. It inspires connection, allows us to open up to others and get to know them (and ourselves) better, and it helps break the pattern of social isolation and depression, even if just for a little while. That's not to say texting is pointless, but a physical proximity to someone tears down the walls that phone screens build, and I am a firm believer that we should all make our best efforts to try to keep in contact by means other than just texting. It sounds hypocritical, of course, but I can't deny the fact that grabbing lunch or seeing someone in person makes me feel eons better than receiving a text from them.

If you know anyone close to you who may be struggling with depression and/or suicidal thoughts, I'd like to encourage you to reach out to them, and maybe make some lunch plans or grab coffee. Go bowling. Do an activity. Insist on it. They may not feel up to it, but social interaction does wonders to the isolated and depressed brain, and it may just end up saving a life. One interaction can make way to more, and give someone an avenue to reach out for help and take their life back into their hands.

I will personally start reaching out to my friends, and making attempts to re-connect after my long period of isolation. It may be slow and it definitely will not be easy, and I may fail, but I'd rather try to break out of this cycle and help my serotonin machine start working again than not be alive to give it that chance.

#daffodil no #zita voros #zitavoros #mental health #discussion #serious post #musings

[bizarropurugly]

Things to Consider if You’re Considering Suicide

So I’m writing this based on my own experiences and the experiences of others, the articles I’ve read and the people I’ve known. 

I see a lot of things that have good intentions but don’t really connect to those of us who are suicidal, like a lot of corny messages and empty platitudes that don’t mean anything to some of us. Like, they’re not realistic to our situations or our feelings.

So here’s me trying to do a bit better and be a bit more direct, though, I do warn that it may get aggressive and negative. 

The thing is, this isn’t a roses and sunshine sort of topic, but a lot of people want to handle it that way, which can often ignore the reasons we want to do this in the first place, or make us feel like we’re not being taken seriously about what’s hurting us. So, some of the below may seem dark but I’ve known people who’ve turned away from suicide because of some of these harsh realities.

Anyway, here I go:

If you want to kill yourself to hurt someone...

...who is bullying you, being mean to you, or abusing you: 

They most likely won’t care. I mean that. They won’t care. In fact, some may celebrate. I know that’s really harsh but you have to realize that they will not care, you will not be teaching them anything because it won’t mean anything to them. 

So why should you pay an extreme tuition for a lesson they will refuse to learn?

At most a few will feel bad for a little bit, but most of them will shrug it off, or even mock you further.

And you won’t be there to prove them wrong. You won’t be there to show them they were absolutely fucking wrong about you. You won’t be there to make them regret their crap. This might even prove to them that they were right about you all along. Don’t let them have that opportunity.

At the worst, they’ll use your death for their own gain. They’ll use it to garner pity from others, really put on a “woe is me” show, or how everything is so hard for them, even though they’re the ones who caused all your pain. Parents are especially likely to do this. That’s YOUR story that they’re taking and making into THEIR story - is that what you want to happen?

So don’t do it.

...who has broken your heart or rejected you:

That’s abuse. That’s emotional abuse. If you really loved them, you wouldn’t want to “get back at them” like this, you wouldn’t want to put them through this extreme pain.

Did you ever have a pet die? Or a friend or family member you were close to? That was hard, wasn’t it? It’s even harder when it’s someone you were involved with. Losing a partner is devastating, even if that person was an ex. Do you really want to hurt them so badly, so irreversibly?

And it won’t make them love you. They will not stop dating forever because you died over them. 

It definitely won’t make anyone else love you, because you won’t be around to love again. You will lose your chance at love, at a future, at someone who really understands you and wants to be with you forever. You’re going to give all that up?

At worse, you’ll traumatize, and at best, you’ll be alone, in a grave. Don’t do it.

If you want to kill yourself because you think that’s what people want...:

...because you’re a bad person:

See the first point in the above section. They won’t care, they may even celebrate, and they’ll use it as evidence that you really were just that bad of a person.

You see people mocking crytyping, or mocking those having panic attacks or meltdowns, proclaiming that people are faking to get out of responsibilities? That will be what they do to you.

There will be people who go through your life history and gather evidence to prove your death was a good thing and well deserved.

And you can look around and see people celebrating the deaths of shitty people time and time again. This isn’t a far-fetched scenario just because you’re a much smaller person than a politician, and dying by your own hand.

There will always be people who won’t forgive you, and people who are never going to be satisfied with what you do, including if you kill yourself for them. So why do it?

And I mean, if you don’t kill yourself, you have time to make up for what you’ve done. You have room for improvement. You have the chance for better. Do you really want to go down as a bad guy, or would you rather reform?

So don’t do it.

...because you’re a burden:

First off, anyone who thinks you’re a burden is a bad person. Don’t die over a bad person.

You deserve to be cared for. You deserve to be loved. You are NOT a burden - needing some extra attention does NOT make you worthy of death, or abuse, or anything.

And people who think you are a burden on them are going to use your death for their gain too, just like I pointed out before - “woe is me” and making your story about them, and so on. Again, this is more common with parents. They already decided you weren’t worth saving, that you weren’t worth sympathy, don’t let them claim a right to it when you’re gone.

It takes a lot of power to kill yourself, so...

...recognize that! 

It’s not an easy task, you’re going against one of the strongest and the most basic instincts all living creatures have. 

That means something... it means you can have the strength to make it through this. It means inside of you there is a well of power waiting to be tapped. Harness it for something else, something better. 

Realize you are strong, stronger than this, strong enough to overcome this struggle. 

I’m not going to lie, it takes some time, it takes a lot of effort... but dude!! Suicide takes a lot of effort, it’s just the results are more immediate. Don’t get discouraged because the results aren’t soon enough. 

But I mean, you don’t have to struggle alone. Even the strongest people need help. And when you’ve got a demon on your shoulder trying to steer your strength to ending it all, you need an angel or two on the other helping you direct it somewhere else, and helping you hold up that burden.

Killing yourself won’t help anything.

Whatever problems you have won’t be solved. You’ll likely just pass them to others. Are you okay with that?

And if you’re struggling as a group, killing yourself won’t contribute to making that better either. 

In what way does death help a divorce? In what way does death help a death? In what way does death refinance? In what way does death raise a child? In what way does death save someone else from abuse?

It really doesn’t. It won’t help you, and it won’t help anyone else.

You will regret killing yourself.

In the moment you do it, you will regret it. But not everyone recovers from it, not everyone survives it to realize and to act on that regret. 

Someone else pointed this out on another post and I realized how true it was. I definitely had instant regrets once I committed. I was lucky, but others aren’t. It’s real, and it happens.

Surviving suicide also hurts. 

Even with seemingly foolproof methods, you can mess up, and change your life forever over it. From brain damage, to loss of body parts, to blindness, to deafness, to cancer, to digestive and heart health problems... the possibilities for if you fail are endless. 

And it’s not just the physical aspect, there’s the emotional impact as well. People will forever see you differently, treat you differently, even if you survive with minimal damage. YOU will forever see the world differently, interact with it differently, move in it differently.

It deserves a second thought.

Yeah, I know it hurts now.

Trust me, I know, and I know how frustrating it can be to hear everyone say, “Stay here for me, stay here for them, stay here and suffer because we wouldn’t like it if you died.”

So you don’t live for them, you live for you. Find reasons to live for you. Any reasons will do - seriously, ANY REASON IS A GOOD REASON. Have a pet to take care of? GOOD REASON. Have a show you like that you haven’t seen the end of? GOOD REASON. Want to go to your family dinner? GOOD REASON. Want to learn a new skill or new language? GOOD REASON. Want to graduate? GOOD REASON.

I really do know it hurts, that existence itself can be painful. For that reason, because I know that pain, I have a hard time demanding people stick around. It’s hell to suffer through, I know.

But I think you should consider it. I think you should grasp for life. I think you should cling to whatever can keep you here. 

Here’s some resources:

1-800-273-8255 is the US suicide prevention line. Wikipedia has a list of suicide prevention hotlines worldwide, including text lines and online chat services.

Alternatives to self harm, things to remember, specific resources for mental illnesses and recovery, hotlines, and other self care resources.

How to get mental healthcare when your parents won’t let you.

Masterpost of suicide resources and for dealing with suicidal feelings.

International hotlines for suicide, abuse, and rape.

A fool’s guide to not wanting to die anymore.

What’s a good way to say goodbye?

#speeches #suicide - #long post - #rape m - #self harm -

[graverobber3457]

Logan Paul Controversy

As many people have already learned, Logan Paul uploaded a video onto his vlogging channel about his journey to Aokigahara, most notably known as Japan’s “suicide forest”. This video has sparked outrage throughout the YouTube platform as well as the internet as a whole, with celebrities and YouTubers alike criticizing his actions, to say the least.

Now I know I’m a little late to the news, but this still has me angry and disgusted at his behavior. I created this post not only to serve as a place to list all the reasons why I’m outraged, but as a way to get my frustrations out about this trash bag full of cum stained supreme sweatshirts that calls himself Logan Paul.

So, let’s break it down:

The thumbnail. This is probably the most digisting part of the video for me, and the biggest source of controversy. The thumbnail details Logan Paul staring out into the distance. This would be a fine thumbnail, if a dead body was not in the thumbnail as well, hanging in the background. This not only shows a blantant disregard for the life of the poor man who just died, but also shows how it is very possible that Logan used the dead body to get views onto his videos. These two ideas are going to be a lot more prevalent throughout the video

Because of the use of the dead body in the video, the whole “message” of the video is undercut (Presuming that there was one, of course). For instance, he puts a disclaimer at the video claiming that what it is the video is graphic and that viewer discretion should be advised; however, he just used the dead body in the thumbnail of the video, meaning that the disclaimer is now completely useless. What was the point of the disclaimer, if not to cover up for yourself if people got angry. Either way, it clearly didn’t work.

The entire motivation for going to Aokigahara is suspicious too. They said that they wanted to focus on the “haunted” aspect of the forest, but it is very clear that this forest is known to be a popular area for suicide, so much so they have sign detailing it. Many people outline the very real possibility of finding a body, so why would they go for the “haunted” excuse. And even if they did, they still used the dead body in the thumbnail. Even if it wasn’t the original intention, they still used a dead body to their advantage, showing a severe lack in morality and little care for human life.

The constant laughing from the people in the group, including Logan Paul. Many people have pointed out the constant laughing from several people in the group, as well ill-timed jokes. Logan Paul makes a joke about the dead body once he encounters it, and I saw on his group members is visibly smiling during one part of the video. It is very clear that Logan cannot handle serious topics well, showing little in regard to maturity.

A smaller point connected to this: his clothes. When I watched the video, I couldn’t help but notice the clothes Logan was wearing, with the Toy Story hat standing out the most. It was very off putting to be confronted with a serious topic like suicide by a man wearing a green alien on his head. While I might be over analyzing, I still think this should be kept in as just a thought to mull over.

The dead body itself. This, as well as the thumbnail, makes me angriest of all, because it shows how shitty human being Logan Paul truly is. In the video,they find the dead of the man, and instead of trying to report to the authorities and leave it to them, they film the body. They only blur out his face, zooming in on the rest of the body. This is extremely disrespectful and appalling that he film someone’s dead body like this, not to mention upload this video at all. To film this and then post it onto the internet is absolutely inexcusable action. This is especially bad in an area that does not want people to enter such as Aokigahara.

The uploading. A lot these points can be rebutted away in one or another, and already have been by Logan Paul’s fans and supporters. However, one thing I refuse to let be explained away is the posting of the video itself. I just have to many questions.To put it simply, How did this get up onto YouTube? Who thought that this was a good idea? Who told Logan Paul to do this? If no one told him, then what motivated him to do this? Why did he think that showing a dead body would be okay? Why did he think he could spin this into something about suicide prevention? Or if this video really did have innocent intentions, why did he think so? How did this get past editing? Who thought that putting a dead body in thumbnail would be a good idea? Why? The more I think about this video, the more I realize only two situations are possible: that the only way this got of the ground was through a severe lack of foresight by everyone involved, or they used the dead body of a man who had just committed suicide to bolster views and just didn’t care. And to be perfectly honest, I’m more than just starting to believe in the latter possibility.

In conclusion? Logan Paul is a disgusting human being who used someone’s death as stepping stone fire himself. He does not care for other people, only how many views he can get from them. To be honest, I’ve never really liked Logan Paul (or Jake, either). He was obnoxious, loud, and always rubbed off on me as a spoiled rich kid that never grew out his frat mentality. But now as I start to finish this post, I realize that he is much worse. YouTube needs to step up and realize that this is not excusable and that just because the Paul brothers generate profit doesn’t mean they can do whatever they want. Something big needs to happen that effects YouTubers like him hard, because if they don’t, this will happen again.

I want to leave this on a different note however, then the one created through this post. If anyone out there is experiencing suicidal thoughts,thinks they should commit suicide, or is struggling with mental health, please talk to someone. Whether it be a trusted friend, family member, significant other, or professional, it will help you out in the long run. I understand that getting help is not easy; in fact, I believe it is the hardest thing someone with mental illness can do. But it is also one of the bravest and most rewarding thing that can do as well.

And if you know some who is struggling with issues like suicide and mental illness, be there for them. They need someone to be there for them to help be apart of their support system. Being open minded and understanding can be a humongous help for someone struggling.

Well, that’s it for now. Feel free to add on to this with your own points if you think I didn’t cover something you think was need here. I’m also always open to talk about mental health if needed.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: [phone]

#logan paul #youtube #youtubers #logang #fuck this is a long post #im so tired its like three in the morning #logan paulers #vlogging #controversy #suicide // #suicide prevention #suicide tw

[katlangforddaily]

Katherine Langford and Dylan Minnette on How ‘13 Reasons Why’s’ Popularity — and Controversy — Impacted Their Careers

“13 Reasons Why” landed with a bang heard round the internet: The series, about a high school girl who commits suicide, became the most tweeted-about show of 2017 just one month after its premiere, and made overnight stars out of its two leads, Katherine Langford and Dylan Minnette.

It also sparked a national conversation about suicide — and what’s appropriate to be shown on TV.

The actors, who were thrust into the spotlight, faced a crash course in the power and pressure of social media.

“You have an idea of what fame is and what celebrities are like and what acting is like, and you think you can just focus on the work, but in reality, you can’t just necessarily focus on the work because it comes with the privilege and responsibility of having a larger platform,” says Langford. “That’s something that I’ve tried to deal with in a very levelheaded way.”

She points to her Instagram account: It was private at the time the show premiered; now that she’s made it public, the number of followers has jumped to nearly 7 million.

“I like to have moments and periods of life that are expressive and where you can be creative, and I think that’s harder when you have more people that are more aware of you and watching you because if they don’t understand the context and they see a picture of you doing something crazy, then it can get taken the wrong way,” she says. “I don’t think it’s ever something that feels normal, especially as a 21-year-old.”

Minnette had nearly 40 roles to his credit when he was cast in the Netflix hit — he’s been acting since he was six. But Langford hadn’t acted professionally at all when she auditioned for the role. Born and raised in Australia, she didn’t take her first acting class until she was 18 and had just a handful of international auditions under her belt before she sent in a tape for “13 Reasons Why.” She jokes that her only prior acting work was a few “horrendous” student films.

“To be honest, I came into the audition at a really weird time,” Langford says. “I didn’t have a job, and I didn’t have drama school, and I was wondering what I was going to be doing with my life, and that’s about the time that the audition for ‘13 Reasons Why’ came around.”

She did her callback over Skype with director and executive producer Tom McCarthy. “The one thing I remember him saying was ‘I think we’re done,’” Langford recalls. “And in my mind I was like, ‘OK, that’s either a really good thing or a really bad thing.’” It was a good thing.

“It was tricky and very, very challenging casting Hannah,” showrunner Brian Yorkey says of Langford’s character. “We saw many talented, wonderful actresses, but we just needed the person that brought that very special luminosity. We needed that, and that came via a self-tape from Perth, Australia, in the form of Katherine Langford.”

When Minnette came in for the role of Clay, he captured the character perfectly, reports Yorkey. “We very much wanted someone who would be believable as an average kid who has some depth of thoughts in him that most people have not seen yet,” the showrunner says. “We believed him in everything he did and found him incredibly compelling when he took the character to those deeper places.”

Like Langford, Minnette says the show has brought a new sense of pressure. “There are a lot of ups and downs to how life has changed,” he says. Though the co-stars say the transition has been challenging, both understand that their newfound fame is a necessary byproduct of an uber-successful show. Helping them navigate is no less than the queen of Young Hollywood, Selena Gomez, who is an executive producer on the show — and the most-followed person on Instagram.

Langford was reluctant to make her Instagram account public, but Gomez convinced her that with a mass following at her fingertips, she would be able to interact with her young fans — something that has proved to be especially important given the show’s explicit coverage of teen suicide. Cognizant of the power of addressing millions of teenagers directly, Langford has included links to suicide prevention hotlines and The Trevor Project across her platforms.

“Overall, I think it was a good thing. You need there to be opinions in order for there to be discussions, and that’s really what the show is about — talking about issues that are taboo or that people wouldn’t usually discuss with parents or teachers.” - Katherine Langford

“I wanted to be there for fans who wanted to reach out or connect after the show,” Langford explains. But, she adds, “I also think there’s a point where if you’re looking to [social media] for affirmation, that’s where it can be overwhelming because you’re relying on other people’s opinions to feel good about yourself.”

Minnette, who has a reach of nearly 5 million across Twitter and Instagram, is less of a fan of being plugged in. “I get real anxiety when it comes to social media. I never want to do or say the wrong thing,” he says. “For the most part, I try not to touch social media, but I hope I can do good when I do. I don’t know how to handle that type of pressure.”

That pressure has been immense because of the intense backlash the show received, given its vivid portrayal of Hannah’s suicide (she slit her wrists in the bathtub), as well as two on-screen rapes of intoxicated high school students. The graphic footage prompted parents to slam Netflix for glorifying suicide, and pushed Canadian schools to ban any discussion of the series in classrooms. The show had trigger warnings ahead of each episode; Netflix then added links to a mental health resource website. And on July 31, a medical study was released that found that online searches about suicide have skyrocketed since the debut of “13 Reasons Why,” including searches for suicide awareness.

“When you make a show like this, we expected controversy. What surprised me was how long it took,” says Langford, who points out that the storm didn’t reach a fever pitch until three weeks after the show’s debut.

But, she says, the discussion it sparked was ultimately for the best. “Overall, I think it was a good thing,” she says. “You need there to be opinions in order for there to be discussions, and that’s really what the show is about — talking about issues that are taboo or that people wouldn’t usually discuss with parents or teachers.”

That said, Langford believes the trigger warnings should have been on the show from the start. While Minnette agrees that the opposing opinions about the show are healthy and necessary, he feels that some of the backlash was unfounded.

“What bothers me is that I noticed most of the people who had negative things to say, they didn’t see it. They would say, ‘I’m not going to watch this because this glorifies suicide.’ Well, how would you know unless you watched the season? You’re judging the series and what we’ve done based entirely off of something that you’ve heard or read,” Minnette says. “I think anyone in their right mind would be able to watch and process what we did and put together the piece that we laid out and be able to see exactly why we did what we did, and know our real intentions, because everybody behind this had the greatest intentions and the best heart and cared so much about this.”

Langford acknowledges that her character’s suicide scene was difficult to film — even talking about it brings her to tears. But she says the graphic nature of the show was needed to get across the anti-bullying message.

“We show Hannah’s suicide not to glorify it. We show the rape not to glorify it,” she says. “It’s uncomfortable when you watch it. So we made decisions creatively, acting-wise and writing-wise, that contributed to us wanting to show this in a way that felt truthful and authentic. Personally, I don’t feel like it glorifies it at all. When I watch those scenes, I get a visceral response — it makes me sick, and it makes me sad.” Both point out that the show has had a positive impact as well.

“The people who are yelling about it are always going to be louder, but I think there’s an overwhelmingly larger amount of people that it helped, more than people that it hurt,” Minnette says.

Langford shares the story of a recent fan encounter. “I was in L.A. going to a dinner, and a girl walked past me and tapped me really quietly and was like, ‘I don’t want to draw attention, but your show really helped my sister. Thank you,’” she says. “Those are moments where I’m like, that’s why I do this.”

And they’re not backing down. To continue generating conversation, the co-stars reveal, the upcoming season — which is in production — will not be toned down. “It’s evident from the get-go that we’re not pulling any punches this year,” Minnette teases, adding that the new episodes explore the recovery process for rape victim Jessica (Alisha Boe) in the aftermath of last season’s graphic scenes between her and Bryce (Justin Prentice).

While he won’t give any details, Yorkey assures that the intense scrutiny on the show — good and bad — won’t affect the intent of the storytelling in the upcoming season.

“If I worried about anything coming into season two, it would be that the successes of the show and the attention on the actors would be a distraction from what it is that we’re trying to do, and that has not been the case at all,” he says. “If anything, everyone has come back to the show even more deeply committed to doing something that we’re all proud of.”

Source: Variety

#katherine langford #dylan minnette #variety #article #2017

[asking-jude]

i failed my math class in college and i know i didn’t do my best but my mental health has been really really bad from everything happening and i’m supposed to go to medical school but i don’t know if i even want to do that because i don’t know what i even want. or if i even want to live. i’m just tired. sorry for the run on sentence and the dumb ask, i’m sure you guys get this stuff all the time

Hi Friend, 

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. No one is perfect, and it is very okay that you failed your math class. A grade has no reflection on your intelligence or your worth as a person. I understand that a failing grade is disappointing to you, but you should not put yourself down because of it. You recognize that the grade is not good, you can’t change it now, but you can work to fix it for next time. Do not worry. This is not a “dumb” ask at all. Sometimes, the standards we set for ourselves are too high for us to reach. We must be understanding of ourselves. You mention that you were also going through a tough time. You are only human, and it is unrealistic to expect yourself to manage poor mental health and college courses at the same time. 

I recommend you start to set aside time to attend to your mental health. If you can afford therapy, I suggest you set up online therapy appointments. Having a dialogue about your mental health will be great for sorting everything out. Another option is seeing if your campus offers free student counseling. College is overwhelming in itself, and it can be even more difficult if we are not in the right headspace for it. I have linked some resources below for you as well. You are extremely important. Everyone deserves help and opportunities to feel better. It is time for you to take care of yourself and put your well being first. 

I also want to note that while it is good that you are working hard towards your life goals right now, you must remember that there is no rush. I am so proud of you for setting goals and trying. However, remember that you have your whole life to figure out how you want to spend it. While it can be rewarding to plan and keep on your toes, it is also beneficial to take some pressure off of yourself. There is plenty of time and space for you to grow and figure yourself out. Opportunities will always be there, so do everything to the best of your ability at your own pace. 

Text Hotline: 

-Suicide Hotline by Texting HOME to 741741(US)  -Suicide Hotline by Text Shout to 85258 (UK)  -Suicide Hotline by Text CONNECT to 686868 (Canada) 

Call Hotlines: 

-National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Toll-Free: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)  -National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Toll-Free (español): 1-888-628-9454 

Links: 

-https://www.betterhelp.com/ -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zK3U1EuJeuc  -https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSci_YIGOAw  -https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCW-frOIU0fLnTSxOxKnBT8Q 

Hugs, 

Max 

Asking Jude needs YOUR help! Donate pocket change here and save our safe space.

[dragonracer]

Suicide and Mental Health

This is a very long post. Warning you in advance. But it's a topic that's heavy on my heart and it needs to be heard.

I don't usually discuss serious issues on social media because serious issues almost always devolve into political issues, which then devolve into incoherent screeching from both sides in an effort to see who can out-screech the other, at which point there is no longer a conversation and instead just a gigantic stressor added to your life.

But this topic is important to me and with yet another big suicide showing up all over my timeline and newsfeeds, I just need to say it. To put it out there in the world. Even though it will not change a damn thing and will simply be me screaming into the empty void. But it needs to be said: not only does the healthcare system in this country absolutely suck, the mental healthcare situation is even worse.

I lost my mother to suicide five years ago. It occurred from a mix of her own despair and failed systems. She was full-time caregiving for her parents because professional assistance was too expensive. My father was laid off due to company downsizing during a down economy and struggled to find employment, which meant he and Mom survived on unemployment and, when that ran out, got by on what remained of their savings, credit cards, and whatever assistance could be had by friends and family.

Which also meant no healthcare and no anti-depressants. Considering Mom had been diagnosed with clinical depression from a fairly early age, she needed them. My Dad's industry experienced a lot of fluctuation when I was growing up, so he had to endure many lay-offs (never his fault) and find new businesses in his field of profession, and those in-between times meant no health insurance. And even at a young age, I recognized Mom with her medication and without her medication.

Towards the end, she began to swing more and more wildly in her moods than ever before. I suspect more mentally was going on than just lack of anti-depressants, but I'll never truly know. And she had no access to help - be it physical or mental - because this country simply doesn't care about that... or if you're seeking free or discounted assistance, then you must be a deadbeat who is taking advantage of the system, just another hungry welfare mouth to feed (oh, hi, the start of my talk on stigmas as well).

I did my best to try and play "free counselor" with her over the phone every day. But I was ill-equipped to handle that sort of burden. I have no professional training in counseling or psychology.

And I DO NOT handle conflict well. At all. Mom suffered incredibly bad self-esteem issues. Which translated into not being able to really disagree with or argue with her without it being interpreted as a personal insult. I love my Mom. I always will. But it's only looking back on my childhood now over 30 years later that I realize I went through some level of psychological abuse. Totally unintentionally on her part, I know in my heart of hearts. She couldn't help it. And most of the time, Mom bled unconditional love. But when she was upset, the guilt trip to be had was a sight to behold. The very last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt her, and so I grew up a life of walking on eggshells. Being careful with what I said. Often not expressing my own thoughts or opinions if they might conflict with hers. Dad has no fault in this whatsoever because he was living it, too, and trying to do much the same as me.

Anyone who knows me well has seen the effects of this. I don't talk out loud much. Even in family settings or coworker lunches, when everyone is sharing stories like normal people, I'm more comfortable being the quiet listener. And as soon as there is any conflict, I get extremely uncomfortable. It's why I avoid politics - raised voices make me uneasy, hell, I start feeling stressed just READING political threads, so I avoid them. And anytime I end up unintentionally in an argument or am fussed at for something, tears start. Like a damn child. But I literally cannot help it. I have spent my entire life trying at every turn to either avoid or de-escalate conflict... and it goes back to a childhood of trying to keep my mother on an even keel.

So, trying to calm her down from the ledge almost every day near the end was draining. So draining. And there was no help I could give her, no services I could really point her to for help at the time. I (stupidly) did not think she would actually go through with suicide because she had talked about it off and on my whole life. And you know what "they say" - if someone says it a lot, they're just seeking attention. Well, "they" are incorrect. At that point, what I SHOULD have done was had her Baker-Acted, but there's that whole fear of conflict again... I knew they'd throw her in a pen for three days and then she'd be right back out with NO HELP and then super-pissed off at me for doing that to her. Like, relationship-ending levels of pissed. That was my fear. Irrevocably ruining our otherwise very tight and very loving (if flawed in ways) mother-daughter relationship. So, I didn't. Because I feared the potential conflict. It is something I will regret my entire life... because had I tried that, at least I could then say "I did everything I possibly could". But I didn't.

It reached a point where I was so mentally and emotionally shaken by all this that in our final confrontation (online at the time), I refused to answer my phone when she called. The only time I never answered her. I called it tough love at the time. Something I had never tried with anyone because... again... me and conflict, cannot deal.

About an hour later, she ended her life.

After the hazy days of shock and the memorial service, I was losing my mind with grief, guilt, and anger. I was angry at her. Angry at God. Angry at the lack of help and services that could have potentially prevented all this. And I absolutely HATED myself. I held no greater anger than at my inability to have saved her, for not answering the phone and trying (as I'd successfully done so many times before). It didn't matter that my brain logically understood I was not at fault; my heart was broken, and that's all I could feel.

I looked online for grief support groups. There wasn't really anything locally that was either a) active or b) wasn't during work hours. But I HAD to talk to someone. Someone professional. Someone who had no previous ties or connection to me or my situation. I needed an outsider's perspective to keep the guilt from eating me alive. I saw a listing for a suicide grief support group at inconvenient times at Haven Hospice and drove out there. A very sweet counselor there admitted their group would be ill-equipped to help me - it was intended for people "further down the grief road", not freshly-introduced like me - but she let me talk and vent in her office and she offered as much support as she could, bless her, and told me to see if my workplace offered any services.

So, I did. Our ad director at the time handed me a little card with a hotline associated with our healthcare insurance agency. I explained my situation and they set me up with a counselor for a free six-week session. That is, sadly, the only positive thing this entire system provided.

I visited this counselor once a week for six weeks. She was... somewhat helpful, somewhat not. I don't feel like we were a very good fit at all, but she was the only one our emergency hotline plan would send me to. And ironically enough, that's all she took from them... for long-term, she didn't accept the insurance company my workplace uses and so if I wanted to continue my sessions past the six free weeks, I would have to pay in full out of pocket. Which was gonna be roughly $200 weekly that I didn't really have extra to spend.

After six weeks, I was cut loose. Because you totally move right past suicide survivor trauma in just six weeks, right? Ha. Haha.

I looked online for ANY counselor that might accept our insurance. I needed help. More importantly, I recognized that and wanted the help. I ignored the stigma that goes along with people seeking out a counselor or psychologist/psychiatrist. The stigma of being viewed as either crazy or weak. The stigma that exists for mental situations, but not physical... nobody views you oddly or as being weak for seeing a doctor when you're sick or injured, but if you're suffering something mentally?

I found very few who even accepted insurance at all, and none who took ours, and without the extra $800 a month to spend on my mental health out-of-pocket, I simply endured. I had no choice. I found an online forum for suicide survivors and that helped a little bit for a while. But as time moved on, I had to leave. Seeing the newly grief-stricken day after day merely reopened raw wounds and I could find no healing there, only other lost souls who couldn't find professional help and desperately turned to strangers online for at least the comfort of camaraderie in the world's most awful club.

Fast-forward to this year. I found myself in a mentally toxic work situation. I had taken a different position and it was NOT working out at all like I had hoped. What I originally viewed as a challenge and maybe an opportunity to expand myself spiraled into the worst possible decision. I ultimately realized I was not cut out for sales. At all. Because it's 90% rejection, 10% successes. And even the wins didn't feel good because there were so many not-wins. I felt out of control of my life. I felt like a failure. And in that kind of position, you often have to deal with angry people for reasons that you were not responsible for, but you were "the face" to yell at. Yeah, that whole conflict thing for me again... I was undone. I cried in my car a lot. Coworkers found me sobbing in the bathroom an embarrassing number of times. I was in constant stress mode physically and mentally and I feared it would eventually take a toll on my health. I was always fighting with everyone in my life and coming home in SUPER BITCH mode to my poor husband. I was not "me". Not by a long shot.

I was in such a bad state. But I also felt trapped. I didn't want to die, but I did want to simply "not exist". At least for a little while. I needed help. I would have LOVED to have some sessions with a counselor. But Google searches told me the same sad story as I experienced five years ago: nobody takes your insurance, if they take insurance at all, and considering I was constantly 10 seconds away from rage-quitting in desperation at any given moment, I wasn't gonna be blowing wads of cash for mental health out-of-pocket.

Thankfully, a new position opportunity opened up at work that was a MUCH better fit for me, so I received the escape I had desperately been seeking. Today is such a 180 from three months ago that words don't do it justice.

But what if that hadn't happened? What if I was still clawing inside my head? With no real access to professional help?

I get angry every time I read about a suicide. Because I know exactly what it does to those left behind. But I also can't lay much blame on the soul that was hurting so badly that their pain blinded them to anything else... because what freaking HELP do they really have? Friends and family can only do so much - if either is even in the picture (some people aren't so fortunate). A suicide hotline is better than nothing, I suppose, but that seems like trying to put a bandage on a severed limb... it might be helpful in the short-term, but what help exists long-term? If they have no insurance or their insurance isn't accepted by counselors, how can they get help?

"Well, that's no excuse for the mega-rich, they can afford it!" And that absolutely is an understandable response. Other than even if you CAN just blow wads of cash for non-insured treatment, you still get to deal with the lovely stigma of being "weak" or "crazy". Because mental health is not viewed the same as physical health. People don't get it. You're simply expected to "be strong" or "man up". On that note, I imagine it's even WORSE for men because you guys are often reared to "not cry" and "be a man" and essentially have it drilled into your skull that feelings are bad and belong solely to the realm of women.

I get angry every time I read about a suicide. Because that mental health stigma immediately rears its ugly head every time, with every comment about the act being selfish. Because while it absolutely is selfish on some levels, at the end of the day, this was a person who fucking needed HELP and either could not get it or was too afraid/ashamed to try and get it, most likely. The system failed them, but instead of us getting righteously angry about THAT, we victim-blame instead.

Our healthcare system SUCKS. Our mental healthcare system is essentially non-existent. And I think that makes me angry more than anything else.

/ridiculously long rant... if you made it through all that, thank you

#worlds longest rant screaming into the void crawling in my skin these wounds they will not heal RIP Chester

[sylveonclay-blog]

rant about depression, not in any bad shape right now but still angry about stuff

what’s the deal with how people try and deal with depression in the laziest possible fashion? like, they’re trying their best to feign empathy? This isn’t directed to anyone that follows this blog, and in fact most people who have helped me with depression that still actively talk to me are really good about it, and don’t fall under this rant’s scope. to those of you who have helped, i love you and i treasure your bravery and genuine care. specifically what i’m talking about is how the general populace handles suicide and suicidal depression. Whenever it’s brought up in a public forum, people seem to default to “Here’s a list of suicide hotlines for every state.” or “DM me if you need someone to talk to!” and it comes across on the very surface level as compassion and care for other human beings. But if you think about it even the smallest bit, it becomes apparent that these things people say have very little practical purpose whatsoever.

I know for a fact, as a person that has and does deal with suicidal depression a lot, that the VERY LAST thing I want to do when i feel like dying is calling up some completely random stranger who knows absolutely nothing about me and admit to them that i want to kill myself. There are only three options that they can do, really. If they’re an emergency team, they can be super clinical and try and waste your time as hard as they can while emergency services arrive and... prevent you from offing yourself. They can also go the route of completely empty placation, where they will insist, with either no or incredibly broadly stated support, that you stave off the urge. They don’t *know you at all*. Even if they do understand the situation you are coming from, they lack the understanding of your specific situation to actually provide useful reasoning to you. And that’s REALLY important to have, if you feel like someone actually understands what’s going on with you, then their empathy starts to have weight. The third option is to try and get to know you before they start doing the whole song and dance, but that’s... really time inefficient and time is the most valuable thing in the world in a situation like this. So that’s a no-go. So, talking to strangers is the last thing at least I’d want to do when i’m undergoing suicidal thoughts because the kind of empathy that is necessary to connect with a suicidal person in order to attempt to pull them back can’t be created in a minute or a few messages. But that’s not what I’m miffed about. That’s just a failure of human communcation that may not even apply to everyone, and i understand that. Some people may actually be trusting enough to be able to form that kind of connection with an operator in such a short span of time, and are somehow willing to call up the hotline in the first place, and that’s GREAT. Even if it helps a small percentage of the people, it’s highly worth it to save a life. What I’m angry about is that there’s a seemingly large amount of people that like to post these listings and say that they’re open to talk, but when push comes to shove they don’t realy want to put in the effort to help/don’t understand what they’re saying. The ability to make someone feel like their life is worth holding onto is a very, very powerful skill, but like all skills it doesn’t come naturally to most people. People love the idea that they could be the one to save a life, and the easiest, lowest effort way to give the impression that they are a savior or a saint is to say “hey but if something WERE to happen i’m ready to be the hero”. They realize that this kind of stuff will likely never happen to them, so they’re reasonably safe from having to do actual critical work while still convincing others of their virtue. For the love of god, please stop pretending that you can help people in this situation if you can’t or are unwilling to. It’s infinitely more useful for a person who is either unwilling or incapable of helping in this kind of crisis to NOT be an option to come to than for them to pretend to be. As I said before, time is paramount, and if you’re taking away from time that they could be spending with someone who is actually competent in this field you’re doing damage. However, this doesn’t mean “teach people phrases to throw at people that come to them”. Just because you’ve heard what someone else has said in response to a situation does not mean that that is the correct thing to say or is even helpful. A lot of the time, people that do this genuinely think they are helping, even though i could get the same amount of help from a robot. These phrases can be incredibly hurtful or dangerous to further mental help if they are not used in a way that you KNOW will help. The one that comes to mind from personal experience is “What will your parents/friend think/say/feel like/do without you? You wouldn’t want to hurt them, right?”. Not only is this a really short term fix but also implants persistent guilt. You should not make a person feel like their lives should be preserved simply because it would make others feel bad, the idea is to preserve the life in a way that they can recover. People don’t respond well when their existence is relegated for other’s benefits. It’s fucking infuriating at best, and a catalyst for a further descent at worst. Just... please, if you’re going to try and help someone who’s suicidal, put in the effort to genuinely connect with them. Don’t guilt them. Think about what you’re saying and try to understand them. Stop trying to look like a hero if you don’t want to put the effort in to be one. Bluh.

#p/ #s/ #blblblblblbllblbl/