#every time i see anything remotely related to it i feel physically repulsed | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

alo-piss-trancy · 3 years

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Ok hi, I didn't wanna say anything, but please don't write knifeplay/bloodplay for Yuri. I def don't wanna spoil anything, but it's learned on a certain route that Yuri has a s*lf h*rm problem (I'll leave it at that).

You honestly seem like you're not trying to be a jerk with this ask, so I'm going to do my best to answer this as politely as possible without compromising my personal beliefs on the matter. This is going to be long and a little serious, but please note I'm not attacking you or trying to start a debate. I'm just laying all my thoughts on this down at once so I make myself clear, because a short answer would leave a lot of nuance out.

I understand what you're trying to do here. For the record though, I also considered that a pretty massive spoiler and I did not appreciate that at all. Even if you all think you're 'helping', don't do that again. Y/uri was pretty much the only character I'd managed to avoid most spoilers on and you killed the surprise for me. This game is already so full of fluffy 'filler' in the beginning that I don't have a ton of big plot points to look forward to in each route.

Now, I realise this is a very delicate topic and incredibly triggering to some people, especially with those two things combined. I am 100% willing to tag it with just about any variation needed to ensure you or others affected can blacklist/block it and never have to see a word of it in the future. I'd also be happy to go back and tag that original text post I made if needed. I mean that. You all are welcome to ask me to tag things anytime, and so long as you're polite about it I'm perfectly willing to oblige to the best of my ability in future posts! If I occasionally forget, just toss me a light reminder and I'll jump into editing and add it in.

That said, I want to make it clear that I am very firmly against censorship. I'm willing to take all necessary precautions to ensure people can curate their experiences on this blog and AO3, but at the end of the day I can still post whatever fictional stuff I choose to. As can anyone else. Same goes for more formally published media.

Now, it's entirely possible I would have gotten to that part of the game and decided 'oh dang, I'm not so enthused about that fic idea anymore...'. My whims and ideas change frequently, and what you mentioned is a heavy topic with a lot to unpack and process. It's also entirely possible that future plot would only provide more fuel.

Fyi, when I originally mentioned the knifeplay I was actually thinking a lot more along the lines of her doing it to the protagonist, not the reverse. But for the record, if I did choose to write it with focus on Y/uri, I would still be well within my rights to.

This next part of my answer is going to address some heavy topics, this is your warning!!!

Sometimes people's kinks are a way to take a thing that is personally scary or upsetting to them and find a way to reverse it. To find pleasure or power or get used to the idea of the awful thing in a safe, controlled fashion. I'm not going to go into the full details on this because there's plenty of explanation and research elsewhere already written up, as well as an excellent book on the subject, and I'm not turning this blog into a discourse debate. But I needed to mention it for my point.

There are plenty of stories that could be explored with Y/uri in this context. Did she have this kink before the self harm events started and it was completely unrelated, or did she develop it afterwards? How did she discover it beforehand? If developed afterwards, did it start out as another way of harming mixed with pleasure in a self-destructive way, often done sloppily and without proper technique? Or was it strictly used as almost exposure therapy to deal with those urges and thoughts in a safer, more contained scenario, maybe even allowing the partner she trusted to wield the knife to prove their bond/reinforce that she can be loved without being hurt deeply, that she is worthy of affection and trust and loyalty. Maybe this finally helps give Y/uri a tool to embrace her 'weirdness' without harming herself and others. Or, what if she thinks it can be a useful tool and is sure she's ready, but partway through the scene she gets triggered or has flashbacks... how does she deal with it? How does her partner? Can it be overcome with effort, research, and taking things slowly, or does she realize this kink is actually completely off the table for her?

What if she has this kink and is excited to try it, but her partner isn't? How does she take that rejection? Or do her poor social skills mean she skipped negotiation to begin with and attempted it in the middle of a vanilla session? Would her partner freak out or even get mad, or try to swallow their fear and let her do it so they don't hurt/offend her, even at the cost of their own comfort?

This topic also opens a ton of potential plots for darkfic, but I'll refrain from discussing that out of respect for you and others.

So as you can see, there's much more to explore than 'Knife=Hot'. I believe those discussions and ideas are necessary and provide important fuel for thought when explored fictionally, especially since mainstream media doesn't cover a lot of them.

~~~

I feel I should take a second to clarify knifeplay for those who may be unaware. It doesn't always equate to actual cutting/drawing blood. That can be an aspect, but usually only by those far more experienced and, you know, actually into that. A lot of participants don't actually go that far. Mostly, it's either about the physical sensation of the knife touching you at all, or the adrenaline/controlled fear and intimate trust of a partner bringing an object like that so close/teasing you with it.

In fact, it's frequently advised in those circles (especially to newcomers) to use a dull butterknife instead, because it simulates the same feelings of metal on skin/can dig in a little without any real risk of cutting/drawing blood. Even if one chooses to use a different knife, it's still pretty common to dull the blade, or some people even substitute with a closed pair of scissors (combined with the partner blindfolded, you can't really tell it apart from the real thing).

These versions of knifeplay are well controlled and ultimately pretty harmless, so long as both parties know what they're doing and stay alert. And more experienced players with sharper knives are even more cautious/have studied extensively to know where/how deep to go without risking scarring/serious injury.

Remember the golden rules of kink: Safe. Sane. Consensual.

With those in place, it is not nearly the same as self harm. Just as controlled, consensual, well-negotiated BDSM with safewords, respected boundaries and a trusted partner is never in the same league as abuse.

~~~

Now that that's out of the way, back to my point:

There's no perfect representation or narrative for everyone, in any group (be that gender/sexuality/triggered by certain things, etc). Every human being is different, everyone interprets media differently, and everyone takes away different elements from stories.

What one person in a particular group may find cathartic, relateable, or painful but necessary food for thought, another may find completely repulsive, personally hurtful, offensive, something they can't stand to hear. And guess what? Both of those can be true at the same time. One side is not immediately right over the other.

There are queer characters or interpretations of them in fics that I vehemently despise, might even find hurtful or sickening and think 'how can anyone create this, it's insufferable! People in 'my group' aren't like that, it's a horrible representation. I can't relate to it at all!' But you know what? Other people can and do, may find comfort in those exact narratives and experiences, may heal their pain instead of inflicting more. And that's great. It's what they needed or wanted and if I don't like it, I click away and do my best to avoid it.

There are specific tropes and narrative themes I personally cannot get through without being triggered into anxiety attacks or dragged back to bad times and places in my life. Sometimes I see them tackled in ways that are hurtful or seem insensitive to me. But I recognise that for someone else, it's exactly what they needed to see to get through that or come to terms with it, or see a way they wish that thing could play out. I would never dream of telling those people they aren't allowed to enjoy it, OR telling the creator of that piece of media or a tv show 'Hey ummm please don't use this plot because it turns me into a human wreck for a week'. Because it's not remotely my place to do so. They can create whatever they want, they have no responsibility towards me or my well being. A few might be kind enough to include a warning at the beginning of that episode or in the description, but they are in no way required to. It's up to me to curate my experience and try to keep my guard up/research what might have those tropes, and in the rare occasions I get blindsided, yeah, it hurts like hell. I struggle, I might even backslide a bit. But I just have to try my best to deal with it and make a note to be more careful next time. Because you can't control the world around you, not even the online world, and you have absolutely no right to. The only right you have is to protect yourself without infringing on other people's boundaries/rights.

And there's also another important point. There doesn't have to be a big important point or explanation for why a creator creates something, or why consumers can enjoy that creation! If someone wants to create a plotline with all of my triggers used in the most 'insensitive', 'wrong', pointless ways possible, strictly for Entertainment or pure kink material instead of some deep dissection of the issues involved? They can go hog wild!!! They are 100% allowed to do so on this earth, and I can't (and wouldn't want to) do a thing to stop them.

One person can read a kink fic and it hits a very emotional theme for them/they think it explores a deep topic well. Another person can read that same fic and get nothing out of it except their rocks off. Both of those readers are completely equal and 'allowed' to enjoy that fic. Both reasons are completely valid reasons for why the creator was 'allowed' to post/create that fic in the first place. Nobody needs permission, nobody has to answer to anybody except themselves. Period. This extends to any topic, any type of fic.

Yes, even for things I find absolutely abhorrent and insensitive and don't understand/want to read ever. I may resent everything about its existence, but I will defend to death the creator's right to make it exist in the first place.

It only affects me if I let it affect me. If someone's making content I despise or am upset by and can't handle, I can choose to ignore or avoid them, blacklist those tags, I can block them and move on with my day. I can do anything within my own bubble, but the second I consider going into their bubble and saying they can't make that thing, I am in the wrong. Because I'm not respecting their space and rights.

If someone makes cookies with ingredients I'm highly allergic to, pastes the ingredient warnings all over the box where I read them, and I still eat one, would anyone cheer me on for blaming them when I have a reaction? Would anyone think it was remotely okay of me to start calling up every bakery in town and saying they weren't allowed to bake those cookies EVER, because some people somewhere might be allergic?

No. They'd tell me I was crossing the line, because I'm infringing on other people's boundaries and lives. I'm expecting everybody else to take responsibility for something that, while horrible and painful, was my fault for touching.

Now, if someone sets out unlabelled cookies not realizing I'm allergic to something in them, and I eat it and have a reaction, that sucks. It's an awful experience. But is it the baker's fault? As long as they didn't do it maliciously, not really. They can be advised politely to label it in the future, and I can do my best to remember to ask/be more cautious next time I come across something I'm unsure of, but they're still allowed to bake those cookies for themselves and others.

Now, if I deliberately baked cookies with an ingredient that people are very frequently allergic to (ex. peanuts) and set it out in a crowded buffet without a warning label, that's a jerk move. That's intentionally trying to cause harm to others. But simply baking that flavour of cookies still isn't a crime or harmful by itself.

~~~

I'll be honest, I'm running out of steam and I think I've said most of what I have to say, so I'll wrap it up. I want to reiterate that I'm not ripping into you with this long answer, anon! I understand why you sent me what you did and I'm trying not to come off as harsh. I'm happy to go back and tag things and will tag anything else similar in the future!!! But at the end of the day, regardless of whether I personally end up writing that fic or not, or even want to after I get to that plot, I don't agree with telling anyone they can't/shouldn't write it at all. I wanted to try and explain my viewpoint thoroughly, and I hope you can respect that, just as I'll respect and try to accommodate you and other followers. This is the only time I'll really get up on a soapbox like this, and I have no interest in debating these things on my blog further, but it is a topic I've been passionate about all my life so I'm afraid I'm not budging on it.

#bear gets a letter #not omo #tw knives #tw knifeplay #tw cutting #tw self harm #d/dlc spoilers

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lamolati-13-blog · 6 years

Text

My Definition of Perfect.

You're my definition of perfect.

I dont give two shits that you think I'm lying when I say that.

I dont care that you dont believe me.

I dont want you to change your whole view of yourself just for me.

I never said that.

I never wanted that.

I never specifically told you that.

If you think you're ugly, imperfect, disproportional, etc. I dont care.

Because it won't convince me otherwise.

Regardless, I still will think you're perfect.

No matter what you look like physically, you will always be perfect.

Now the moment you change half or your entire personality, or enough for it to make an appearance, is the day I will think you're far from it.

The day that you end up telling me I'm worthless, ugly, imperfect, etc.

But you're probably thinking "why would I ever?" Unless you're an actual dick

But you do.

You constantly say that dumb shit.

Just not to me.

To yourself.

What makes it any better?

If you wouldn't say it to a close friend, why would you say it to yourself?

Now, thats where I get a lil hypocritical considering I think all that dumb shit about me

But the difference is

I dont let people know because if I do, what if I'll be perfect to someone?

What if someone thinks about me the way I think about you?

Thats an insane thought considering I seem obsessive over you but I stg I'm not and im not a creep I'm just a friend who doesnt want you hurt like I've been.

Its just, what if someone loves me as I love you?

That scares me.

Because if that person ever sees how I think of myself, they would be struck by a bolt of guilt.

Kinda like how I've been.

And yah know nothings better than the intrusive thoughts telling me I'm the fault you think this.

"While he was your partner, you didnt tell him he was everything anyone could imagine enough. Now he won't ever feel like he can ever be because of you."

"You didnt tell him how every detail on his body and face made you feel like you could conquer the world. Now he will forever hate his body and face."

"You forgot to tell him how strong you felt around him and how you finally felt at home just by being near him, now, he thinks his personality is repulsive."

See, in my mind, its all my fault.

You might not understand that but let me break it down,

What if that girl you like told you she wasn't beautiful?

How would you feel?

I get shes your crush and you're not my crush and how that doesnt seem to prove anything but emotionally

You

Would

Crushed.

And don't tell me you wouldn't.

Well, how you would feel if she said she wasn't beautiful and she felt like it because her body did/had/was this or this or this?

You'd blame yourself.

"How could I have just told her this and maybe shed think differently...?"

Everyday.

Even your good days make me wonder,

"Where did I go wrong?"

Wrong enough for you to get mad at me for just wanting to call you perfect because thats how /I/ feel.

Wrong enough for you to get upset with me when I just try to help you think about how you could change it.

Wrong enough for you to have called me selfish or that "the world doesnt revolve around" me, for putting my time and effort into making YOU happy.

My definition of perfect is you.

Youre someone who doesnt realize how much they've hurt someone, but continues to hurt theirself the same way. Fucked up part is, if they ever figured out how much they'd hurt someone, they'd probably hurt theirself more, creating a loophole. Yet, I still hang on.

Youre someone who is so blind to their own beauty, they won't believe what others think.

Not even the closest of friends.

Im not even talking about you at this point.

Seems as if I'm talking to a void.

Something goes in, doesnt come out.

I tell you all of these things that I believe are true, and I dont see any sort of outcome from it.

Just me saying words

That go through one of your ears

And out the next.

Because, you know, who cares what I have to say???

Its not like you're the only one I care about or anything.

What?

Do you think I just tell all of my friends this?

If you think I do, you have no clue who I even am.

If you think I tell just everyone their perfect and I have a reasoning for it, youre a stranger to me.

You are the only person I've ever gone into such depth, such reason, such deatil for why youre perfect.

Think I'm lying?

Pft well then IG youre not who I thought you were.

Because you know.

I dont.

Lie.

To bring pleasure

To others.

And telling you youre perfect has proven to not be pleasureable as you say it makes you slightly mad. So if I'm not saying it to please you, why the fuck else would I say it other than I believe its true?

If I wanted to lie I would tell everyone they're perfect with an exact reasoning why I think so.

Which would be so easy and quick for me, huh?

No not at fucking all.

because youre the only one I actually have a reasoning behind for being perfect.

And its just my own definition of perfect.

And I can't exactly explain what that is to me yet.

All I have for now is "you".

And you just won't open your eyes to see that I dont care whether or not its pleasing you, making you happy to hear, or even remotely you just wanting to hear that, its my own thoughts. You won't realize, I'm not fucking saying this shit to "cheer you up" or "make you feel better"!!! I'm saying it because if I dont, who will? Who would have the guts to actually tell you something true, not because they feel bad for you, other than me. Because I sure as hell dont feel bad for anyone. I might relate or show that I understand, but I won't feel bad. Because sometimes, people just want that to fuel their attention seeking ways. Not you, because I've never seen you do that, but so many others, the others I dont tell this stupid shit to, otherwise it would be lying. I dont just tell people they're perfect because I wake up and feel like it, they have to prove to me. And even after everything we've been through, your proof remains vaild. And I dont care if you believe me, or even care what I have to say, because I know.

And I will tell you them regardless if you ignore me, tell me I'm lying, or tell me to stop saying it.

Because if you can think it about another person, I can say it to you.

And I will say it

Until you open your ears and eyes

See

And just fucking

Listen.

The moment you realize I probably feel even more strong towards you than you do towards her, is the moment you realize I wouldnt be around if it weren't for you.

because of you

I still go through hell everyday

But you just make the constant emotional and physical abuse

Worthwhile.

Pft. Never thought you'd hear that from present me, huh? "Constant emotional and physical abuse"? Yeah. You make me live through it. Thanks, IG. Thanks for looking at how I feel, rather than taking in how I feel. I love you, but damn, its getting old putting up with everything around me. Thanks a fucking lot IG for keeping me in this world. And thanks for unknowingly being the " I'm afriad of death because..." For me. I'm afraid of death because I know that if I died, you would eventually let me go. Find someone new to tell you youre perfect, just to shut them down too. A never ending loop of lies you tell yourself. Its getting old still walking around, clenching my fist, tears in my eyes as I pound the wall with my head because I can't ever keep my mouth shut. One day, though, speaking up will save me. One day, I'll look you in the eyes and then, you'll know how I truly think. Until then, my head will continue to hit the wall in the pattern of my heartbeat, holding onto life by a thin strand and anyone could be the one to *snap* and I'm gone. Oh and then I'll be gone for good. No more me around to piss you off, huh? Someone new would come into your life to annoy you with how much they actually care about you. I think it sounds delightful, but, youre cute when youre mad, so, IG I'll annoy you for a while longer.

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