#every surface I want to cry

[hungergamesheadcanons]

Post-revolution Annie just posts random videos of Finnick and their son on the internet and they always go viral because people have only ever seen Finnick as playboy extraordinare and now they see Finnick being a dumbass father who's trying his best and it's very endearing and 90% of the time the camera pans out to an unimpressed Johanna or Katniss and it's great

#the hunger games #finnick odair #katniss everdeen #annie cresta #johanna mason #listen he's trying #he's never done anything like this before #he needs a minute #finnick ringing his mum like “MUM THE BABY IS CRYING ALL NIGHT WHAT AM I DOING WRONG 😭” #“mum he reached for my lobster can he have it” “finnick hes 6 weeks old” #“mum is he meant to be throwing himself off every surface??” “i mean you did so take that as you will” “NOT HELPFUL” #“can i take him swimming yet?? i want to show him the sharks 😁😁” “finnick hes 2 months old ffs” #Annie's just watching the chaos and texting Finnick's mum like “sorry mum dont stress it I got this” #Finnick's mum just sat there like “at least one of you knows wtf is going on” #jokes on her annie just has a million parenting books she flips through to answer her questions before heading to google #annies search history includes 'how old til baby can visit ocean' #'can i make baby food out of anything' #'how to tell my husband that hes doing fine but holding the baby like that is going to send me into a coma'

[natsmagi]

wait i'm reading the same live tl and "T: Oh no, I was physically blessed and healthy despite everything, so compared to your childhood, Sora— T: Wait, right, these things aren't to be compared with anyone else."

happy elements if you don't elaborate on that

NO RIGHT I GOT HUNG UP ON THAT TOO. LIKE WHAT?????? SORA LORE DROP WITH NO ELABORATION??????????????

happyele was sora a sick child is that why he was a hikikomori. did sora have some disability. DOES sora have some disability. happyele listen to me. the thought alone makes me so sad omfg not ONLY did sora feel like an alien bc of his perception of the world being different due to synesthesia but now ur telling me, if going by tsumugis words, he wasnt "physically blessed and healthy" ?!?!?!?!?!?!??! BC THEN THERES AN EVEN SMALLER LIKELIHOOD OF HIM BEING ABLE TO HANG OUT WITH THE OTHER KIDS WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER EVEN IF HE AND THE KIDS WANTED TO im going thru it so bad

#need u guys to know that like every line of dialogue so far has made me want to scream and cry in some way #but i cant live react to all of it ill just be incomprehensible #but know im reading and im feeling #ask #Anyway im disabled and a shut-in (developed agoraphobia) Watch how hard i can project #but oughhhhhhh I WANNA KNOW HOW SORA FIRST MET NATSUME AND TSUMUGI NOW SO INCREDIBLY BAD #AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #BASHING MY HEAD AGAINST SOLID SURFACES

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is #all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much #because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions #mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect #and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it #it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter #but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but #mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read #cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about #how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron #separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward #the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not #allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i #talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand #so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday #and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having #a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself #sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like #reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for. #the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it #doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of #ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put #myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing #unrelated

[transdib]

the nhs be like

me in march: hi i have moved here from australia, i have been on testosterone since 2018 on a 3-monthly injection and i have a letter from my aussie gp to verify this and that i have been linked in with a psych and endo since then too and i just need a prescription continuation of my treatment. my next shot is due in june and i cant be late

gp: ok :) i have to make a referral to the nearest gender clinic and theyll be in touch and i'll send them the letter from the aussie gp

me: ok thanks

gender clinic a week later: hi we got your referral + letter but we need some more info

me: okay heres some more info

gender clinic: no thats not enough info we need your entire history including your Diagnosis TM from the psych as a letter + recent bloods arent enough. but once we get those we can streamline you through as a review patient so youre not on the waitlist

me after a fuss between me and the aussie gp due to email troubles: ok heres all the documents they have on my file im about a month overdue i need my shot asap

gender gp: thanks we will be in touch asap

*silence for over a month*

me: hey when am i going to be seen to? im nearly 2 months overdue for my t shot

gender clinic: weve had a high amount of referrals and youre on the waitlist so youre just gonna have to wait

me: :}

*another month of silence*

gender clinic: hi so thank you for sending those documents over, since you have already been on hrt since 2018 you dont actually need our services so we're discharging you and we're gonna write a letter to your gp explaining this and that she can prescribe the dose as recommended on our website

me:.....okay well....what do i have to do now?

gender clinic: im gonna write up a letter to send to your gp and they will be in contact with you to arrange an appointment and you can get your hrt easily like that

me: *on the brink of having a mental fucking breakdown cuz of being 3 months overdue for my hrt and all of the hormonal and physical changes that have left me feeling unbearably distressed and anxious and su1cidal and all the other fucking stressors that have come from this* okay......thanks :}

#negative - #life of doge #this summary doesnt even begin to scratch the surface of just how distressing this has been for me #i just cant wrap my head around how you essentially have no control over the letters given #or control over the correspondence btwn the gp and the gender clinic #every time ive asked what i can do #ive just been told to wait for a call #then when i inquire theyre like oh we never got that letter :) #even aus was never this fucking difficult #i really do feel for the clinics and how understaffed they are #and how they get fuck all funding and theyre the ones paying the price #for the stupid gov making stupid decisions and setting the system up this way #but my fucking god. my fucking god. #every person i talk to has their own arbitrary idea of the process #and nothing makes sense and i just want my goddamn hrt #i just want to feel okay again #ive been crying almost daily from so much stress #and i dont even know when im gonna get my t #and it feels like i wont get it until i am actually getting it #cuz who knows what the gp is gonna say now.....fucksake

[getinthefuckingcarkitten]

The Doren storyline has so much potential i hope it gets more content soon

#Just. The way Doren realizes that PC's behavior isn't normal and tries to genuinely help them #I especially like to imagine her and Foxy's dynamic... She knows Foxglove is a troublemaker but also worries abt her #She can see the signs of abuse a mile away and has the combo of authority and warmth that loosens up Foxy and helps her feel safe to vent #But like... Despite her noble ''i can fix her. platonically'' aspirations i doubt Doren would be able to scratch past the surface much #Foxglove is never saying the name of the partner that makes her cry and show up with a split lip or dried blood in her nose #And Doren is Too Nice to push the issue. So she just offers a warm embrace and whatever measly comfort she can #I also love the idea of her going softer on Foxglove despite her misdeeds because she can see she's Going Through It lol... #She endures the weird stares it gets her from other teachers if she mentions it (especially Winter) bc she just wants to help so bad #Doren and the dog with bite issues she picked up at the pound and insists it just needs some love #Meanwhile Foxglove i think would lightly cling to her. Probably run to her every time Avery is being a dick. Just to end up having another #breakdown bc it isn't Avery comforting her but also deep down i think she genuinely appreciates it #Just. Someone offering you compassion w no ulterior motives for the first time... Both scary and delicious #Foxglove trying her hardest to not Act Out because Doren is just So Nice would be so funny. Her veins r popping

[khlur]

every time i talk w my parents i have to remind myself not to get swayed by their doting affectionate act.

#i mean see #becoming older has made me recognize and appreciate them for a lot of what they did #but to say that i am doing anything except lip service to them rn would be an exaggeration #our relationship has improved but i have made it clear that i never intend to live with them ever again #that the honeymoon period will last 2 days max #they'll cry their crocodile tears #and the emotional abuse will restart like it never stopped #that the physical abuse would have continued if i didn't threaten them by throwing chairs and a knife #like....these past few months have given me such fucking WHIPLASH #it almost makes me forget just how dysfunctional our dynamic has been #how i got away relatively well adjusted because i psychologied myself through clinical and counselling psych classes #how they refuse to take the blame absolutely for my brother's issues surfacing now in his adulthood #ever so often something so viscerally twisted will happen on a call or on the group chat which makes me want to hurt myself #and that serves as a wake up call abt how bad shit used to be #and how glad i am to be away from it all #but every few weeks i will be lulled back into thinking that maybe things weren't so bad #i'm also swayed so much by the people around me rn who hesitate so much to talk about anything that isn't small talk #either that or they're people who really love their parents and enjoy spending time with them #and i'm like....respectfully i cannot relate and neither can the bamboo rod that once broke in two bcs of how hard my parents wielded it <3 #and ofc when families come up in conversation everyone acts like it's a normal thing for there to be ups and downs #w so much unsaid and implied about how i'm actually an ungrateful POS who can't appreciate their parents sacrificing so much for me #hehe. no thanks. keep ur judgement to urself

[monogatcri]

━━ ˟ ⊰🍁THE CREAKING OF THE SWING paired excellently with the void wind's curtain, the sounds of distant play a forgotten melody in this park's state. The rusted merry-go-round, the swings that had only two remaining in function, the unmoving spring riders that had turned from a jovial sight into a haunting display, the teeter totter condemned nearby.

        It's empty here.

       None come to visit or to play because they enjoy this place, they come here to be alone or to write obscenities upon the rotted wood of the picnic tables. Its beauty had outlived its usefulness, left to die and run an obsolete course as the introduction of other, more entertaining, concepts shifted into view. No one cared about this place because they didn't have to care about it ; what memories were held here don't amount to anything because this wasn't their home, this wasn't their happiest place on earth, this wasn't their entire world...

        Swing's motion stops, head tilted down to stare at phone, dreading each message that passes the screen. What once was a man who would happily run amok with the others now wanted no one near him ; he desired nothing, hated the idea of being touched, wanted to disappear into the obscurity of this diseased park and crumble into nothingness.

        You're not alone, Niwa.

        Foot kicked harshly at the dirt, sending an abundance of dirt flung into the air. A thousand people could scream his name right now and he'd feel alone, he's coming to realize. Why is that? Why is that? Because a thousand people amount to only a skin deep view of who he was as a person. Chains had started to leave imprint on his hands as pale skin turned paper white against his grip. 507 names were what mattered and now they were forever silenced, four names were especially important and now they could never say his name again, and now...it's just Niwa.

        It's just Niwa Hisahide.

        The more he awakens into this modern world, the more he's coming to realize how utterly alone he's feeling. This world isn't his world. This world isn't his world. This world ISN'T HIS WORLD! He doesn't understand it, he can't... Every time he enters a conversation, he feels himself slip down, as though he climbs a mountain made entirely of soap while he's drenched in water.

        Eyes watch his phone light up, dull expression worn like a glove today. Just push through it... A few more hours, just a few, push through it...and then... Head hits against chain, pressing palm further into rigid surface, though by now it's numbed to the pinch. And then what? What would happen?

        Another harsh kick to the dirt, geta striking rock that stopped foot in place, a deep sigh purged from him as he stood from the swing to bend down to pick it up, staring... ❝ I can never return home. ❞ Tatarasuna is gone. His older brother and his sister-in-law were gone. This new world feels hollow. For the first time, he's feeling completely alone and he doubts anyone can comprehend it, understand it, know how that actually feels.

        The only world he knew taken from him so suddenly, the broken hearts that he could have mourned with already moving on with their lives in someplace he cannot find, his chance to find his family gone because he wasn't awake, all because of a stupid heart that wasn't worth all the effort they put into it. The heart that survived when everyone else perished -- the heart that should have given out yet refused to. When he awakened, the media swarmed him the second his wheelchair had exited that hospital, his mind and body reeling in anguish as they bombarded him with questions, flashes blinding this eyes, throwing around facts he barely had time to comprehend inside the walls of privacy -- to say he broke down into tears would be an understatement ; the media shamed him, called him weak, elaborated on this further to say he wasn't fit to take over Tatarasuna in place of his father and that he'd sell the land...yet the parcels that continued to fill his mailbox and consistently shove forth their demands went unanswered, man unable to acknowledge that they were probably right, afraid to prove them right -- that he's too weak...that the land that was granted to him by his family should be sold off...

        The home he lives in was a mockery of what he once loved. The electricity, the modern devices, the way he feels fear every time he awakens. With a pained scream, he throws the rock, hard, the resounding and thunderous CLANG as it strikes the fox shaped spring rider as hollow yet verbose as he feels. ❝ Why couldn't it have just been me?! Why did it have to be everyone else?! WHY?! ❞ 509 lives should still be here -- 509 lives...when it could -- no, should have been one.

        It's a menagerie inside himself, emotions bubbling like tar to encase whatever falls inside it, preserving it for others to witness in full view. Meaningless and meaningful, rational and irrational. If only this wasn't so complicated, linked to so many problems coursing around him at once, then he could untangle it himself, yet deep down, he knows Diluc is right, which hurts worse than he'd like to admit: he needs a professional to deal with this mess ; one person, not even every person he knew, could reach him at this far down of a hole dug.

        Legs collapse beneath him, buckling knees striking dirt first with hands to follow, head lowered to stare blankly at nothing but dirt, what he'd become king of. From there, he does not move.

#* // ♦︎ 001. — › I C #* // ♦︎ V4. — › MODERN #// he's sifting through about four and a half years of emotions #// because this is the first time in so long that he realizes he's going to be without fam he's known since he was little #// so every last problem rises to the surface like bile for him #suicidal thoughts // #// and a lot of him hates the fact that so many died while he lived #// it's just this gnawing sensation that things would have been better in another reality #// he wants to feel better but it's an emotional roller coaster that goes at an 90 degree angle #// he'll feel better after a while of just thinking in silence #// but he deserved ONE moment of throwing a party he could cry at

[itspileofgoodthings]

I mean, if there’s one thing the album is going to do it’s come through.

#winner of every long game #but a certain kind of abruptness/shock/even anger is always a part of every first reaction. At least for me. #if i’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times: #she wears extremely well and extremely gently #she gets better with use and familiarity in that the bitterness dissolves #like everyone can hmmmm all they want the album will come through and will have the people in a chokehold #and I even understand the frustration with that sometimes. with the inevitability of her dominance that makes people mad #I feel it too!!! but that’s just a surface level thing. it’s the stuff around her that ISN’t real #she and her music always is. no matter the mistakes she makes or how much she participates in the not-realness of it. etc. (and she does) #she’s going to have the last word in the sense of that word being a thing very worth hearing #Anyway this is why she’s so almost jarring as a famous person and also why she’s simply never going to go away #and anyway anyway it’s been a deeply upsetting two days! I’m drained and about to cry

[quietblissxx]

#me #I'm feeling ok but with every day that passes by i question my bffs silence #she hasn't said two words to me since the funeral #and i get that she's busy. but it's weird. we usually talk every day even if it's just in memes #it's kinda confirming a fear I've had for some time. that we're friends who travel together and dine together and laugh together #but we're not friends who cry together. what if we're only surface friends? When the deep dark parts of myself come out she doesn't want it #maybe I'm just reading too much into things

[enrapture]

Everything comes crashing down right as im in bed debating on sleep soon.

#all the memories good and bad #mostly bad shit #I keep wondering when the pain will stop when they’ll go away #I’ve been told that it’s feelings and thoughts and shit I’ve carried that makes its way to the surface and are demanding to be felt #:( it hurts and it makes me so sad I can’t help but cry about it every fucking day #I don’t want to feel this I don’t want to think about all this shit :( #it’s haunting me #will it ever get better? #will I ever get better?

[glitchinginhyperfixis]

vent post. do not read the tags if you don’t want to see personal shit and sentences that make no sense

#qnnekfkfkwkenjddkdjekdjdjskwjdjdjwkskjddjsjwjkdjdjskkskdkdkskskskskskskskksk #ajsjskkdkdksk #ajwkkdkxkdkaksjfjksisidkcjeisjxjdiwijdjdjd #anwkdkkxkxkakwkskkckdkaiskdkdksksjsjsjjsdjdj #having one of those days where i feel like everyone hates me/will hate me #like i have a good reason but i think i’m catastrophizing #obviously not going to reveal the reason on here #but yeah i just feel like a shit human #and most days i know i’ve become a better person but today i just feel like i’m a horrible person #and my anxiety is through the roof #i just hate feeling like this bc i’ve put effort into not being a terrible person #and i know that i’m not one #but every mistake i’ve made is just rising to the surface #i just feel this guilt #and i also feel guilt over ghosting that one person. like we weren’t close and we just talked about fandom shit but #i feel like they depended on me and i let them down #and i can’t apologize bc it’s been too long and i just hate myself for it #i really want to cry rn but i can’t because i can never fucking get myself to cry #and that sucks bc crying helps a lot #i feel like i’m this close to having a panic attack but i’m probably just exaggerating #idfk i exaggerate everything #do you ever just want to scream like i’d really like to scream rn

[newts-and-sharks]

I can and will climb any surface. Tree? I’m already trying to find footholds. Gym bleachers that have already been put up into the wall? I’m on the top bleachers in less than 40 seconds. Really tall counters? I’m perching like a bird. I have yet to try wall climbing or rock climbing but I will one day in the near future. I cannot and will not be stopped.

#I have no fear of heights and I love climbing #I would rather climb my way to god than take the stairs #I want to climb every surface #but everyday I must stay on the ground #I cry everyday that my favorite climbing tree got struck down my lightning #sobs #I need to climb or I’m gonna die that’s how I feel everyday #the urge is strong #I’m not being dramatic #I’m not over exaggerating #I just #I need #climb #please

[katierosefun]

I’ve seen the discussion about Sympathy for Mr Vengeance in one of your previous posts, and I’m tempted to put in my two cents if I may. It’s actually one of my “homing-pigeon” movies too (and, coincidentally, the day I sent you that ask I was considering rewatching it for the third time – and I eventually did). I can’t quite put my finger on it but there’s just something so compelling about both the story and the aesthetic of this movie.

(Cont’d) And maybe I’m wrong but it seems to me there’s an interesting interplay between the two. Like, the constant focus on the aesthetic aspect creates some kind of an emotional distance but at the same time gives a certain symbolism to the story, a universal feel. Indeed, it’s a bit like a Greek tragedy

(Cont’d 2) Also, Ryu is probably the most enigmatic movie character I’ve ever seen. He seems to have a very unusual way of thinking, a logic that is fascinatingly mysterious. Again, I still can’t pinpoint how this impression is created, but that’s the feeling I get every time. (Sorry for being so vague; this has turned out to be frustratingly hard to put into words even though I’ve been thinking about it for quite a while)

oh god, yeah--i also love sympathy for mr. vengeance in that it absolutely is a tragedy. there’s something so . . . captivating about this entire movie too, in the way that it’s filmed and the colors and the gloomy atmosphere and yet, at least in the beginning, it doesn’t feel like all hope is lost. 

but i don’t even know if that’s an appropriate way to describe the beginning of the movie--because even when i say things like gloomy and hope, that doesn’t seem to quite fit sympathy for mr. vengeance. there’s just something kinda . . . idk, it just sticks. like humidity? that’s the best way i can describe it--like, when it gets so humid that you can literally feel the press of the water in the air against your skin, and it feels unpleasant, and maybe a fan provides some temporary comfort, but you know that as soon as you turn the fan off, you’ll feel the oppressive heat again. 

like, that’s how the movie feels to me. humid, which doesn’t mean that it’s a bad movie--it just means that it sort of clings to the audience. 

also, the aesthetic. god, yes, i love the aesthetic of the movie--again, the colors! ryu’s bright green hair and the red roses and the grey concrete and yeong mi’s bright orange tank top . . . the shot of yeong mi and ryu on yeong mi’s bed (you know the one, where yeong mi kisses ryu’s cheek, and ryu’s just kinda drifting) . . . that has to be one of my favorite shots. 

which gets us to ryu . . . oh, my precious ryu . . . he really is perhaps one of the most interesting characters in the park chan wook universe. i love him so much. i agree with you in that i also don’t know what it is about ryu that makes me so insane about him. he’s just . . . i have so much affection for him, as well as a lot of sadness about him, because something something he’s a good person and things just . . . [gestures vaguely]

#answered #anon #all this to say: yes anon sympathy for mr. vengeance is honestly such . . . SUCH a movie #i remember the first time i watched this movie i was just so disturbed and sad the whole way through #and then a month later i'm like 'i need to watch this again' #and it just. keeps happening. #i have to watch it every few months #wait i can't remember if i put it on my list of 'movies that i keep going back to' bc i should have added it #if i hadn't added it already #it's the aesthetic it's the story it's the brief flashes of humanity that disappear under the murky surface #the shot of ryu holding yeong mi's hand in the elevator . . . god that's the one that makes me want to cry the most #or ryu just holding his own throat as that one guy just collapses in front of him #or ryu smirking when he's being strangled #or just like . . . . #i dunno i think part of the appeal of ryu is like. what happens when you're all alone?

[mynameisbillandimaheadcase]

.

#i kept my shit together longer this time at least #i will do anything to get rid of this feeling #it's driving me crazy #it's unbearable #even with nearly double my meds i still want to cry myself to sleep #i kept it together through half the exam season #i did good #but i still shouldn't have to go through this low #my life wasn't even in a high #it was tolerable for the past couple of weeks #but i still haven't fully recovered from that last depressive episode #it keeps coming back every time something minor triggers it #and i don't want to give it that much credit by calling it a depresive episode but i haven't showered in like a fucking week #and i can't see the surface of my desk or use my chair bc it's so fucking cluttered #i still don't know how i managed to clean my rooms floor from all the stuff #I'm really really tierd of feeling this way #i don't like this emotion #i want to feel loved i want to have someone that cares for me #feeling physical pain sounds like a good way to get rid of that feeling #i don't see any other way to destruct me from it #but i won't do it #i'm not gonna do it #i will probably sleep it off #or go into autopilot #I'm putting off going yo bed bc i don't want to cry #and feel bad about it #if i stop holding it together now i don't think i will recover #at least in time to not fail uni #i want to numb it out #i think I'm just going to bury my head under the blanket and hope for the best

[saintpoems]

#the only things i wanted to do today were to sleep and write in my room #not only did they just wake me up from my sleep but my sister vaped in our room all night WITH OUR DOG IN THERE mind you #so now i can’t even relax in there #and i’ve told her a hundred times not to do that i washed every soft surface in there for that very reason and she just did it anyway #so now what #where can i go? #i don’t even have privacy anymore #it’s a public execution at this point #god this is so fucking stupid #i can’t go in there without getting fucking anxious over breathing that in #not to mention it burns my throat when i do #now i’m just crying in the bathroom again #happy birthday to me i guess #txt

[emberoops]

death and violence hate hate hate

#Every noise and passing sensation make me want to start clawing violently at the nearest surface #I want to scream #I want to cry