#every place is temporary and it's weird cos nowhere ''feels'' like home

[god-hunter]

Closure

Last night, I got some closure in more ways than one.

First from my Ex, because we’re calling her that now.  And then from Dancing Girl, believe it or not.  We’re gonna add a third girl into this mix.  Lets call her Rocker Girl.  She’s in a band and that becomes important to the story.  Only a little bit though

I might as well start at the beginning of the week.  Literally on Sunday Night, I started acting like an Ex in our apartment.  We’d been so good about being out of each other’s way, or still enjoying each other’s company in our shared space, while I’ve been looking for a new place.

But... then I saw something on Facebook I didn’t like.  Or someone, rather.  I’m done beating myself up over it.  I’m human.  Humans have feelings.  It’s okay to get upset.

Long story very short, my Ex had a complicated friend that never worked out in the past.  They were a will-they won’t-they, and in the end, they didn’t but remained friends.  When WE started going out he was all, “Your Happiness is only temporary...” which is a very fucked up thing to say to anyone.  Especially someone whose supposed to be your good friend that is very happy in a new relationship.  Seriously, fuck that guy.

Anyway, flash forward 5 years later, he defriended her on FB out of nowhere sometime this year or last.  And it got my Ex all screwed up and sad.  She felt betrayed and bewildered.

Well, now that we’re broken up, guess whose talking again!?

It just bothered me so much.  After all her, “I’m so done”s and “Never again”s.

I didn’t blow up at her, but instead I sent him a petty message.  “Hey man, you were right.  Her happiness was only temporary.  Have fun...”

Monday morning she asked me about it and I acted like a dick.  I surprised myself, frankly, but by the end of our conversation, I apologized to her.  I wasn't sorry to him though.  Anything I said was for me and me alone.

Tuesday Night, the conversation was brought up again, and this time she blew up.  It turns out she was still really mad at me about that, and... we just blew up in each other’s faces.  The environment was now hostile.  This time she was saying, “Maybe you should LEAVE!”  Everything I didn’t want was happening.

And then eventually she had enough and was just like, “I’m going to bed.  Goodnight.”  And that was it.  It was done!

This takes me to Rocker Girl & Dancing Girl.  So first, we backtrack to Sunday.

On Sunday, before the fight with the ex, I needed something to do.  Rocker Girl is a co-worker of mine whose in a band.  So I decided to check her out and call my friend up.  We both enjoyed the show, but it was a small townie bar, and we were literally the only 2 watching.  That made it super awkward for her, but she was cool about it and happy to see me.

During the week she brought up that she had another show on Thursday, and when Dancing Girl found out about it, she was interested in going.  Now, recall...  I’ve already been through the song and dance.  So I wasn’t all, “Let’s go!!!” And because I saw her show already on Sunday, I wasn’t as, “Oh man, I gotta see that!”  Instead, I already had plans on Thursday with my good friend, so I figured it wasn’t in the cards.

That Thursday Dancing Girl actually asked if I was going and I told her the truth.  “Probably not.  I’m hanging out with my friend tonight, and we’re probably going to a different bar.”  I did say I’d like to go though otherwise.

She said that she was gonna bring a girl friend there, so I thought that was cool.

So this takes me to after work on Thursday.  My Ex and I had had the blow up fight on Tuesday.  Wednesday was like a major day off.  Neither of us were around each other at all.  I had dinner with my best friend and then band practice.  So now I had space and time on my side.  I was able to clear my head and truly decide that the next best move was to get the fuck out of this apartment.  Ready or not.  We need to be out of each other’s hair.

So that Thursday night before hanging out with my good friend, I made dinner for myself/us.  She came home later and had her own leftovers...  And I was basically mid-way through packing.  When I came to the living room she was immediately like, “Do you want me to leave the room?”  And I said, “No, I’d like you to stay...”

And then I just laid it out for her, calm and collected.

I told her that I’d done a lot of thinking.  And honestly, it’s best that this Friday when I visit my parents, this time I stay there...  I told her I already packed a bag.  I reminded her, that I had something coming up where it was going to be easier to be on their side of town all week anyway.  The schedule simply accelerated.  

This shocked her to the point of tears.  I told her it wasn’t personal, but.. I can’t live here any more.  Everything about this place hurts me.  And I need to not be in her space anymore.  Otherwise, we were gonna keep getting at each other and acting really shitty.  I told her I wanted to hit the reset button to when we first broke up.  If I want a shot at friendship with her, I need to be out of her hair.  And I cemented it by saying that this was the next logical step.

She nodded and gave me a hug.

I felt great about this, because I shifted the power.  There was a balance again.  This time, I was making the healthy choice and telling her I was leaving, rather than her being mad at me and kicking me out.

So all of this emotional, heart melting shit happened, before I was getting picked up by my good friend to hang out.  He had decided that he wanted to go the show with me, so now all things solidified.

When it came to Dancing Girl, she had no idea I’d be there and Rocker Girl too for that manner.  My good friend just wanted to have a good night out with me.  He didn’t care if we talked all night, or just had an escape from all the talk.  So that was really cool of him.  We had a great time.

And this is where we shift to Dancing Girl.  She was surprised and excited to see me there.  I met her friend, who was cute, but not really for me.

And I guess there's not too much to say here.  We were at a show.  She completely saw me in my element.  Rocking and Jamming out to the bands in front of us.  Including Rocker Girl’s of course.  And I think she really dug it.

She also shared the latest details of her relationship.  She did it.  She absolutely broke up with him and blocked his number.  I was proud of her and surprised.

But then she went further in her story a little later, and brought up the dude she’s been seeing in more detail.  She mentioned that it was getting serious with him, and that she didn’t want to be cheating on her boyfriend.

When I asked if she stopped him before they could do anything, she outright said, “Oh, we already fucked!”  And I was floored.

This was it!  That was All the closure I needed.

Whatever weird giddiness or strange energy I was getting from her, must’ve just been friendly.  Or maybe she's just a kid that doesn’t know what she wants and she’s all over the place.  But either way, she absolutely 100% had a Backup Boyfriend around the same time that her and I were getting closer.  So no wonder she was giddy.  She loves the attention.

::sigh::

It’s truly for the best.  This shit was giving me complexes.

I’d still fuck the shit out of her.  But, it could never be serious.  The age gap is too big.  Especially in this part of her life.

Let’s put it this way.  Highschool was half my life ago.  For her, it was 3 years ago...

Let that really sink in.

So that was my unexpected closure with Dancing Girl on Thursday.  Today she brought up how much fun she had.  We used to do this thing with each other’s initials at the bathroom sign out sheet.  I have stopped making words for her initials, but I noticed that she continues to do it with me.

The texting dramatically stopped.  But I still come out if she tells me about stuff.  And lunches aren’t necessarily a given every Friday anymore.  Things are calming down.  I see myself being placed in the Friend Zone bin.

And honestly, I’m very okay with it.

The rational parts of me have been thinking that this will be a waaaaay better Brother/Sister relationship, where she can just tell me everything and I can be the cool best friend.  I’m honestly very happy with that.

Like I said, today she brought up how much fun the show was and how she missed going to shows like that.  Her boyfriend never did that.

I told her I love going to shows and look for them all the time.  She said to let her know when the next one is, which I thought was fun.

But I’m not an idiot.  Ain’t nothin’ happening.  If the dancing at her favorite town wasn’t enough of a tell, the fact that she’s banging/flirting with another dude on the side and now being open about it to me?  That tells me that I am clearly her Friend that she values and trusts enough to share this information with.

So I’m taking the high road.  I’m honored.  We both have shared experience of going through drastic changes in a very quick amount of time.  I still don’t know what the future holds, but I’ll definitely be there for her, so long as I’m her co-worker.

Once I leave that job, I think the whole friendship is over.  I just don’t see her catching up with me at the diner or meeting me at the random bar.  But who knows.  Crazier things have happened.

In the meantime... now I’m just here!  Back at my Parent’s House.  On a Friday Night...  Things are Very Different than they were 3 weeks ago...

I’ve got partial closure with my Ex on the fact that now I don’t live with her any more.  Any interaction from this point forward is a visit while I finish packing.

I have like 99% closure with Dancing Girl on the sheer fact that I Know she’s hooking up with someone else, and that's exactly where her mind is at.  The 1% is the part of me that's into her and will do anything for that chance.

But that guy’s an idiot.  And I’d be a fool to keep chasing after something that won’t happen.

So now I get to focus on me a little bit.  For now, I’m set back up at my parent’s..  It’s only temporary.  I’m still waiting on that 2-Bedroom which is only 5 minutes from work.  But that too is not something I’ll keep chasing after.

Next week I’ll be busy helping my brother with a play, which will be a great escape, honestly.  But then I’ll be back into house-hunting mode.  While hopefully the 2-Bedroom will be on its way to being ready.

The encouraging news about that place is that it seems like the possible landlord won’t do outlet work after all.  He’s moving that toilet closer to the wall already and he plans on calling the carpet people and a painter.  That’s it, it seems.  Let’s hope.  If that’s really the case, then maybe this place will be ready in 2 weeks!!  That could be as early as March 15th!  Who knows???

Anyway, that's everything.  I just wanted to share my unexpected bits of closure this week.  Now I have no idea what’s coming next.  And that honestly kind of excites me at this point.

#Rants #thoughts #relationships #dating #not dating #single life #Moving #Closure #Dancing Girl #Rocker Girl #the Ex