#even though im in pain now lol

[lilybug-02]

Pain is a great motivator…

Part 26 || First || Previous || Next

—Full Series—

Meanwhile Toriel:

(Loud noises don't wake her up usually.)

Artist note: I’m so proud of this :))) I know it’s a lot of dialogue and reading, but dialogue is grueling work for me. I’m glad with the art and for the amount of pages I made in such a relatively short time span -w- page 5 was super fun to work on. A lot of blood, sweat, and hours here... :) The backgrounds were a big bore tbh, but I finished them! Yippie!

#CHARA WTF DO YOU MEAN “COMPUTER”???? #lol i hope you guys dont hate me for what im doing in the next update. #IS THAT A MAC OS??? #Yes......owo'' #Kris and the Gang are LITTLE now. I've pixelated them and turned them into little game characters! #FINALLY!! #I never thought I would be going so far in the story to explain WHY Kris pulls out their SOUL and opens Darkfountains even when they killed #Berdly in Chapter 2. Pain can make people do horrible things. #Uhhhhhhhhh anyways. :3 I hope you liked it! I made this post a little too long for my liking and didnt get it out when i wanted too- #but thats okay! As long as people enjoy it :) #bread #art #deltarune chara timeline #deltarune chara timeline comic #seriously though #long post #man am I glad I switched over to the limited color palet! It helps me feel alot more relaxed uwu #This is....way over 16 hours of work q-q #chara #asriel #susie #kris #asriel dreemurr #kris dreemurr #kris deltarune #susie deltarune #deltarune #comic #my art

[tianhai03]

warm up sketch that took way longer than it shouldve

#i solved my homework problems today (i gave up and handed in like 20% of what i was supposed to do) and took a long nap #and now ive just. forgotten how to draw. even though i literally drew something like two days ago #im in pain. but hey at least i have time to draw my own stuff now for a bit before my next sem starts lol #gonna try and finish everything i can before i have to go back to suffering for school... #devil may cry #dante(dmc) #allyart

[ef-1]

girlhood

#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day #like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year. #when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍 #not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again #and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :) #like everything i do is informed by her #I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her #and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢 #and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again #“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her #growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain #and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when #people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it #but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up- #when people mention it 😍 #last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her) #and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook” #and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one #and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?” #im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her #lol!!!!!!!!!

[deus-ex-mona]

series i’m gatekeeping from my family vs series i’m ✨ok✨ with my family knowing i’m into:

#‘why do you gatekeep hw from your irls?’ well. the thing is. i just ✨don’t want to✨ #and. like. i’ve already led my family to believe that i bought bl manga when i was buying idol sengen at animate #so i think im already past the point of no return in that regard. so. um. yeah. #thank you village vanguard for the unexpected μ’s content in 2k24 you truly are yappa saikyou #i s w e a r falling back into my ll phase almost 10 whole years after i first got into it is unexpected tbh #compounded with the fact that i can now actually afford whatever im looking for. so. like. my wallet is in crisis lol #i had just reached my savings goal last month but now i’ve overspent bc i saw great deals on resold honoka-chan hoodies and i couldn’t help— #so now i have 2 identical hoodies lol. but i’ll keep one of them safe in its packaging bc im unwell like that ig #my merch whaling is out of control i s w e a r but my oshis are just too cute aaaaaaaaa #i probably should open another savings account instead… maybe that’d keep my spending under control… #b u t for now honoka-chan jersey im looking for you #tfw ur oshi is decently unpopular amongst the fans so hardly anyone resells her merch lmao #so ig the relatively fewer fellow fans she has are more dedicated to her than fans of other more popular characters lol #but at least her stuff (when resold) isn’t as overpriced as the actually popular members (birb and tomato) #so my wallet isn’t crying as hard as it could’ve been? ig? hunting for almost 10 year old merch is a pain fr though #either way. the grip idol series have on my wallet is truly insane #i wonder how many bags of chips i could’ve bought with the amount i’ve spent on hw and ll merch to date… #at least a thousand… i think. maybe even 2 thousand if my past gacha game whaling is taken into consideration… #…this is probably why it’s important to have a decent paying job ig. #oh well. at least i may be making b a n k this month with how much ot i’ve had to do this week so far… #i hope i won’t have to work till 5am again over the next 2 days… that had been a horrible experience. #help what am i even talking about anymore why am i having a life crisis right here and now u m. #anyways. dni if you dislike honoka-chan. thanks for coming to my crisis rant. see you when the last stage mv drops ig ok byeeeee

[healingheartdogs]

Cardio said my echocardiogram ultrasound, exercise stress test, and week long heart monitor all showed no serious issues, my resting heart rate is fine, but that my heart rate does seem to rise very rapidly under even small amounts of stress (postural changes, taking stairs, casually walking around my house) and rises very high (160+ bpm according to the monitor) so now I get to be put on beta blockers to see if they work and if they do she said that is sufficient evidence to confirm for sure that it's POTS.

Obviously could confirm it as well with a tilt table test but those are TORTURE based off what I've heard from fellow POTSies so I am very thankful that she doesn't think that's necessary and will not be making me do one.

#i was not expecting to get dx and meds this fast tbh but im very happy about it #i think the fact that she also has POTS herself helps because she is very well acquaintaned with what it looks and feels like #and how hard it is to actually catch with orthostatics in office unless youre having a bad heart day #so my orthostatics not being within range was unsurprising to her and she was like #'that doesnt mean anything you clearly still have a heart rate issue going on even if it didnt show itself right now' #i didnt do shit the entire week i had that monitor on to like physically exert myself but my heart rate still hit almost 170 a few times #also the doctor who did my stress test asked me if i ever experience any chest discomfort or pain and i was like hm no dont think so #and he went 'your chart says you have palpitations though?' #and i was like '... those count as discomfort???' akdjaicidjwjcjsn the answer is yes apparently #im just so used to them now because i have them daily that they dont even really register to me anymore #unless theyre bad enough to knock the wind out of me or make me cough #they just make me anxious which... ig is also a form of discomfort #chronic illness and chronic pain problems though lol not having a normal baseline for discomfort and pain #ndr #not dog related #health stuff #not that anyone probably cares lol but im excited about getting things that have neen affecting me for years FINALLY figured out #im not crazy im just disabled!!!! #*been

[bulkhummus]

i slept really good last night :o)

#i conked before 1 am which is such a rarity these days #i wish i felt good today i would be unstoppable #my tummy hurts so bad and idk what i did to it to treat me this way #i woke up at 6 am in pain and then forced myself back asleep hoping itd go away and then woke up 2 hours later with the same pain :o( #im thinking i might actually be allergic to red dye < so im gonna keep a look out but #o7 < me looking out #bc idk what else it could have been i didnt reallt eay much yesterday bc my tummy hurt too #i unno but i hope i can do some drawing today i had to play life catch up yesterday and battle the depression #im gonna list the good stuff from yesterday for myself now while im sitting on my bathroom floor lol #i bought kimchi my supermarket hasnt had in a while which wahoo! #i out clean sheets on my bed #i finished a commission #i cleaned my room #finished a dndads episode #took a nice shower #spoke on the phone with some friends and made plans with coworkers/friends #missing everyone who is far from me terribly which is part of the depression im sure #anyways those are ally my updates i did sleep really good even though i woke up early and thats the good thing #and if u made it this far #i love u an hope u have a good day :3 #personal

[pepprs]

i had a scarily bad depression moment (if you catch my drift) at work on thursday during a meeting where the topic of conversation and the things ppl were saying were directly (and slightly intentionally?) contributing to my distress and im past that moment now but i feel so haunted by it. by the thoughts i was having and the fact that i had them and the fact that i was witnessed in that moment but they didn’t know how bad it was. and im also feeling vulnerable to being back in that place again

#purrs #it is kinda amazing the amount of triggering things that happen every day and any one of them knocks the wind out of me but this is like. #4-5 a day at least and then like 5-6 hours of sleep in between another round. it’s not a good way to be in the world. but i am going to say #one positive thing which is that im proud of myself for enduring it and pushing forward even though it’s painful. like i am very strong for #doing that especially when i don’t have the emotional safety / resources i need and technically have never had them and will never have them #it’s important to remember that. and yeah it’s kinda like i shouldn’t have to be strong through all of that but the one positive thing i can #hang onto in this… well no actually 2. 1) i am very strong for surviving right now even though it’s just scraping by 2)one day it might not #be this hard. one day i might feel better. and even though it doesn’t feel like it and i keep having setbacks i am making progress towards #that moment. even thougu im scared to take some leaps im still inching towards the jump and that matters a lot. and other people can see it #even when i can’t. just not the people in that meeting apparently LOL #delete later

[skenpiel]

i've been occasionally seeing you post about pokemon and i'm Curious,,,,,,,,,,,, what starter did you pick? and what's your team like!!!!

I PICKED CYNDAQUIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and my team changes a lot cause 1. i get bothered if All my pokemon (including the ones in my pc) arent the same level and 2. theyre all underleveled as FUCK. but mainly i keep a farfetched and poliwhirl as my tm/hm slaves and then i just kinda, pick whoever else is in need of exp. currently its just my misdreavus and then some low level gastly and paras i caught cause they know hypnosis and stun spore and i am getting SICK and TIREDDDD of hunting for raikou -_-

#I LOVEOPKEMON I CANT BELIEVE IT TOOK ME TWO TRIES TO FALL FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!! #even though im bad at it. so what im having fun -_- #i love cyndaquil btw hes a quilava now and his name is echidna ^__^ #they all have silly stupid names btw so i cant say them without being embarrassed. lol #anyways HI TORI I LOVE YOUUUU!!!!!!!!! lets talk about pokemon more when ive gotten a little bit further cuz im trying to. exp grind for th #pokemon league rn -_-; #idk how im gonna make it. my highest level pokemon is entei and ho-oh at 45 #and ho-oh is 45 when you CATCH it....... all my other guys are like below 35 Sweats #ITS GONNA TAKE SO LONGGGGGGG but i want raikou i want raikou NOW #its an ugly as fuck puppy doggy tiger thing. why is it so UGLY!!!!! #note its actually not that bad its just Erm im kinda pissed at not being able to catch it #i used my masterball for entei...... getting ho-oh was pretty easy cause i could just reset when i ran out of ultra balls #but. i cant fucking DO that with raikou cause the motherfucker RUNS AWAY #'legendary dogs' more like legendary PAINS IN MY ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!! screams and breaks stuff #HEHEHEEE i love u tori so much TELL ME ABT UR TEAM TOO BTW!!!!!!!!! #i forgot which one it is ur playing Um sorry !!!!

[boomerang109]

i want to go home and get high i am in so much pain holy shit periods should be illegal

#tmi in tags #but ive always had a heavy flow #like not concerning so #but like definitely heavy #and it had been less so recently (especially since i got off birth control and until i found out about my iron deficiency I thought it was #left over hormones or something). but turns out it was just my body compensating for the iron deficiency (which is either my body being #awesome or me being super iron deficient cause generally that doesn’t seem like how it works) #but anyway im doing better on the iron but apparently that means that not just my heavy flow but my like INTENSE period pain is back #both my legs are killing me and nausea and a bit of a headache #I just generally feel like im dying #and i generally have just gotten worse at dealing with pain cause im i. less of it now which is both good and bad lol #but like this genuinely a lot of it like this is on par with how my periods used to be lol #but i have three classes today including my three hour class #so like. i need to stay functioning #im supposed to be writing a paper and reading shit #and instead I’m just #staring off into space mentally screaming #there’s a bird though I’ve decided we’re friends #im going to at least two of my classes #one i might skip even though it’s my favorite and the professor has already knocked my grade down 10% for not attending #im gonna talk to her cause i have attendance accomodations #and ive only missed when i accidentally sedated myself and when i went to see my mom cause i was scared i was gonna kill myself if i didn’t #so i feel like those two days plus today when im dying are valid reasons #and if i have another day i missed that i forgot about then like i feel like there should be at least one unexcused absence allowed and if #there isn’t im gonna argue with her cause wtf #anyway #booms bad days #if birth control hadn’t made me suicidal I would say I’d want to go back on it lmao

[ayyponine]

got into minor traffic collision (lady w bike didnt look where the hell she was going and when she DID spot me just fukin. instead of turning away rammed headfirst into me rip i fell dramatically next to the road and everything). spent close to one hour at work sitting crying w an ice pack on my hand then almost four hours at hospital mostly waiting but at least 1. i made so much progress on my duolingo score you have no idea 2. meanwhile the beautiful man v kindly responded to me and kept the conversation going. wild 3. i can stay home for three more days and recuperate despite not having broken anything :) waheyy

#feel a LIL guilty abt my colleagues havin to work bc we're understaffed but. hand rlly hurts and hospital note says stay home sowwyyyy #im a lil bummed though. ive never broken anything and wouldve loved to get like a bright pink cast to doodle on.. #i cried so much today both frm physical pain and emotional distress but at least it's a work accident so the cost should be... manageable? #i should get my bike checked tho... some pieces fell off my brakes are kinda fucked from slamming em shut and it makes a weird noise now ugh #also oh throwback to my prev accident a few years back aka when i got hit by a car and didnt even go to hospital abt it. lol. ah good times. #anyway i have a tinder date tmrw so gotta go and wash my hair. wish me luck i cant bend my middle & index finger without so so much pain rip

[pankomako]

sometimes i think about interactions boat and i have had and things he's said to/about me over the years and it makes me feel as though i must occupy some little space in his heart. like i live in his mind rent-free the way he does for me, although not nearly to the same extent lmao.

speak of the goddamn devil i just got a steam notification he's playing tf2

anyway i never thought i'd have that kind of effect on a person, much less my favorite content creator. but it sure appears to be that way, and idk. it makes me feel special. warms my heart n all that :)

#was one of two people to give me their phone number when i had to drop off of discord 2 years ago #never took advantage of it though (shy (also we have different brands of phones so texting probably wouldnt work right #other person was an irl friend (never contacted them either #i remember one time YEARS ago when he was wanting to read jjba on stream or smth like that #him: it's like REALLY not family friendly me: well i shouldnt watch bc i am a Child him: no its ok you dont have to skip It's very dirty th #like guy clearly just wanted me there bc he enjoys my company And he's said he does! i remember him saying he likes seeing me in chat #and once again he was the one that wanted me on the staff team when usually the staff pick new recruits and boat has final say #and apparently he's talked about me to his other friends. that's kinda where the old Time to Mod in-joke started #he was using voice to text to talk to whoever and said my username but the thing misinterpreted it #that coupled with the meme drawing i did that he edited so it's him just saying 'pain'. eventually that dumb fucking image spawned #and then there was the night he spammed it and spam mentioned me in chat when he was streaming while i was ASLEEP #once we were in a vc and he was like 'wow i'd forgotten what your voice sounded like' NEVER heard him say that to anyone else. What #dont even get me started with him and my artwork (man would probably flip tf out seeing what i can do now LOL) #guy literally wanted ME to design an official tff logo but at that point they were kinda slowing down so it never happened #but yeahno i just. ugh. our friendship means a lot to me. i am ITCHING to speak to him again you have no idea #and to just give him a big ol hug. been wanting that for such a long time #quite frankly a friendship dynamic like no other ive seen #dont mind me REMINISCING. im sooo sappy about him he's the most important guy in the world to me #if god exists he knew we'd be too powerful if we grew up together

[june-again]

cackles in i just got a boxed set of lotr i am unstoppable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#june shines #happy birthday to me #actually it's tomorrow but we did the dinner tnight and like i also got my other gift from my bestie today so it feels like it's today lol #going to go dye my hair green now yippee #man im doing a little dance even though i am in the BAD WORST TERRIBLE pain right now. wish tylenol did shit

[lyriumsings]

turns out going out and doing things is good for you vs staying inside for weeks at a time lol but sadly leaving the house cuts into drawing im trying to make up for it by watching studies and collecting comm refs

#this is the most i’ve gone out in a very long time #and i made some extra money doing favors for my family so i have plenty to get a new pen now and then some #so i treated myself to some books and even read one #i cant remember the last time i finished a book lol #lyriumsings txt #but i also feel guilty cuz i still have two comms left and anytime i spend not doing schoolwork or comms feels bad #even though i know it’s good for me #and realistically i know i did a lot of comms like 11 or so since july last year #and an art trade and gifts in between #and my commissioners are the sweetest bestest mutuals on earth #so they haven’t pressured me #but i feel so guilty when i’m not working ngl #which the anxiety is ofc bad for making good art #and then my brothers birthday is coming up and everyone wants to go to the state fair #im so neurotic it’s painful #this is why being awake at 4am is bad im going to sleep now

[curioscurio]

I miss when I spent time with my friends and they took care of me when I was feeling sick :((

#go take Ibprofen #its just nice to have people care about you and want to help you feel better and actively do things for you #like i had a tummy ache and had to lay on the floor and they all were so kind about getting me water and asking if i was feeling better and #bringing me tums while i was still on the floor #i didnt even have to ask #with my parents it always feel like i gotta beg them to help or be considerate of me when im sick #like i could be in bed in pain and theyd still ask me to do the dishes or something #like sorry sometimes it would be nice to get something more than anytime i complain #my mom does a very good job at making me feel guilty for asking for help 🙃 #anyway i need to move out once im not a depressed sack of shit lol #getting better though since seasonal depression has lifted #well except my period cramps right now #anyway hope you enjoyed the rambling

[daimoan]

dont remember if i ever was this angry at anyone before

#keep thinking abt [redacted] #wack. tbh #like embarrassing idgaf abt this guy why is he still on my mind. #this is some ego feeding shit like its cool to hate and be angry or something? #its just that i think he should be corrected. but the system is not in agreement on this. #guy was like my best friend for a couple months never even asked abt the system lol n theyr like looking out for him #or i guess mby theyre looking out for me/us. so as to not go to jail/be haunted by our choices our whole lives. #whatever #i know how to make it stop it is just taking time and effort. because its like 1. kind of addictive so i keep accidentaly/habitually reinfo #cing it and 2. the other option is to face that im hurt and i cant do shit about it realy other than ... LeArN from it or some shit #like learn what? i already went full schizoid over this. #maybe i dont need to learn shit lol maybe i already did it :) #so just the pain then. and overcoming the hate habit. and like just letting it go and forgetting abt it #but the thing is that he needs to die i think. #i want to kill kill kill kill him so bad. #i hope hes not reading this in case i ask to meet him again sometime. for business. #maybe thats why its still on my mind #because im unwilling to let go of the idea that we could help eachother if i wasnt so stupid hurt over some little thing (the nasty shit he #pulled that hurt me lol) like bro. bro. im not going to just get over it. like thts rly the thing. 3-5 yrs ago i would have totally just #elected to get over it and make up or smth like that. #and im v unwilling to do that now while lots of my brain architecture is still built for that interaction style. #so when im thinking kill kill kill kill im going to [redacted as fuck im not putting that shit online this is already bad enough] mby im #actually killing the mental structures that make me a target for abuse :))))))))) #all is good in the world i love myself and my life. and absolutely no one else. except my mom and my friends and that one other guy who als #might read my blog but i really doubt it bc he doesnt evenrly ask me how im doing or anything . its cool though. for now.

[frick-it-sugar-spice]

not me thinkin stretching and trying to stay flexible and build up supporting muscles around my one knee and hip would be smart and then gettin absolutely wrecked today cause my knee doesn't want to do life and my hip wants to pop constantly or have my leg yanked on like a tug-of-war rope to try and release the tension whaaattttt

#quit eavesdropping toots #i know it takes time. i just refused to properly take care of this shit when it happened #and was also told by doctors it was nothin even though im pretty sure one is at least a partial tendon tear by the feel and how it cycles #thru pain in relation to other ppls first hand accounts and what docs said. but nah i didnt tear it not at all i dont sports and whatever #dumb shit. i tried to sleep about it but im just more sore now boooo #stretchin DOES help and i know exercise/strengthening the joint will too it just takes time n discomfort #go figure i start caring more about it/wanting to do better body care by getting attached to selfdestuctive demons lmao #on the plus side its piggybacking off my other/prev hyperfixation where i wanted better flexibility because dumbshit too #probably tbd? #im overly chatty but only when theres nobody else in the room lol #txt