#even rn typing this I feel so disconnected from my emotions.
Eduardo E Mônica
> requested by @grafitti-translator.
> artist: legião urbana
> the first listen ^nd it w^s very unusu^l in terms of style, ^ lot of guit^rs with ^n old/folk rock-type of vibe. ^t first gl^nce the lyrics seem to be ^bout ^ m^tespritship between trolls, but it ^lso cont^ins some concerning themes (in my perspective).
from the get-go we h^ve:
Who will ever dare to say that there is a reason
For the things that the heart does?
And who will dare to say that there is no reason?
> the pumpbiscuit (or in this c^se, the he^rt) is, of course, linked tow^rds emotions and feelings. feelings ^rent ^lw^ys logic^l- even if you know why youre feeling th^t w^y, theres ^ disconnect between the w^y th^t the body responds ^nd the mind re^sons.
> however, the third st^nz^ directly contr^dicts the first. the l^ck of re^son is complemented by the re^son, fulfilling wh^t would be ^ppropri^te for ^ m^tespritship. ^fter ^ll, ^ m^tespritship built out of solely p^ssion wont l^st. you must be willing to compromise, to le^rn, to be willing to ch^nge yourself (not to ^n extreme extent however) in order to m^ke it work.
> ^ m^jority of this song is b^sed upon the story of eduardo and monica, so ill just reference some of the p^rts th^t c^ught my interest.
Eduardo opened his eyes but didn’t want to get up
Stayed on bed and checked what time it was
While Monica was having a brandy
In the other side of the city
> the obvious ^ge difference between the two is seen time ^nd time ^g^in throughout the song, from monica thinking of eduardo ^s ^ “little boy” to eduardos concerns ^bout being out for too long. ^nd while this isnt ^ red fl^g immedi^tely, i h^ve to ^dmit i r^ised ^n eyebrow re^ding those words.
> eduardo is very simple, in the w^y th^t trolls in ^ schoolhive tend not to worry ^bout ^s much ^s those perigees older might. hes ^lso tr^dition^l, preferring to st^y in his comfort zone ^nd h^ng out with his f^mily.
> on the other h^nd, monica is inclined tow^rds being unique, riding ^ motorcycle ^nd dying her h^ir. shes ^lso ^ very philosophic^l/emotion^l person, enjoying the ^rt of gre^t p^inters such ^s v^n gogh ^nd t^lking ^bout m^gic/medit^tion.
> the differences between the two ^nd their m^tespritship c^n be seen ^s ^n extreme ex^mple of ^n “opposites ^ttr^ct” m^tespritship. but the l^ter st^nz^s dissu^des you from s^ying th^t they h^ve nothing in common:
Eduardo and Monica had swimming, photography
Theatre and handicraft classes and went travelling
> ^ssuming this is ^ he^lthy rel^tionship ^nd neither ^re forcing e^ch other to join these cl^sses, these lyrics depict th^t eduardo ^nd monica still h^ve middle grounds they c^n meet upon, which grounds the “opposites ^ttr^ct” trope seen into re^lity.
> rel^tionships where two people ^re so irrevoc^bly different th^t they c^nnot ^gree on ^nything ^re doomed to f^il. even if it were, s^y, ^ kismesissitude, it would turn de^dly ^fter some time ^nd most likely require ^shen interference. eduardo e monica ^cknowledges this ^nd develops upon their stories more, giving them more depth ^nd their rel^tionship more me^ning.
And the two celebrated together
And also fought together, many times
> ^t first i didnt know wh^t to think of this lyric. theres so m^ny holes in the story th^t we dont know whether this is ^ he^lthy rel^tionship or not. in f^ct, this re^ds more like th^t of ^ v^cill^tion between m^tespritship ^nd kismesissitude. its not uncommon in medi^ for these rel^tionships to exist; however, they tend to be very destructive for both p^rties if not m^n^ged in moder^tion. this leaves eduardo and monicas future ^mbiguous ^nd up to our interpret^tion. yes, everyone s^ys theyre good together:
And everyone said he makes her complete and vice-versa
Just like rice and beans
> hell, they even stick together with e^ch other:
They worked hard for money and managed to hold
Everything together through their toughest times
> but theres just enough wiggle room for us to ^ssume ^ different perspective ^nd still be ^ble to find subst^nti^l implic^tions within the lyrics.
> for ex^mple, the st^nz^ ^bout them fighting often le^ves us questioning: to wh^t extent do these fights go to? is it ^ simple ^rgument between m^tesprits, or is it ^ different qu^dr^nt, or is it perh^ps even ^ toxic rel^tionship? ill le^ve you to dr^w your own conclusions.
> ^nyw^ys, my f^vourite p^rt w^s the beginning:
Who will ever dare to say that there is a reason
For the things that the heart does?
And who will dare to say that there is no reason?
> i ^gree with the mess^ge these lines ^re sending. emotions ^re illogic^l. but over time, they still end up m^king some sort of sense. the he^rt is ^mbiguous, ^s ^re ^ll of us trolls ^s individu^l people; the lines blur ^ lot between wh^t is “re^son” ^nd wh^t is “feeling”.
> in summ^ry, my perspective is th^t while eduardo and monica’s rel^tionship is cert^inly unconvention^l (the ^ge g^p still feels str^nge), there is love to be found between the lines. ^nd perh^ps th^t is the lesson of the song: th^t love c^n be where you le^st expect it.
> feel free to suggest more songs for my ^n^lysis if you w^nt, but i wont get to it quick. i h^ve other things ive been de^ling with.
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really love the post u made on toga's quirk! personally i think how it works could also be alike to toya's quirk, ie being fuelled by extreme emotions. his firepower grew significantly when he was upset and changed the colour from red to blue. and similarly i think it's fair to say that rn toga feels way stronger towards ochako and jin, someone she has a crush on and currently has to fight, and someone who was recently murdered and whom she's still mourning, than she does towards tomura and toya. of course she loves them too, but those emotions just aren't as big in comparison
Thanks, anon but i disagree which is what i explained in my post.
I dont think Toga's love is bigger for Ochaco or Jin than her love for Tomura and Dabi. I mean, Toga doesnt even see Ochaco as person, she doesnt value her as human being, she is just a crush for her, compared to her usual crushes, Toga value well being of league of members. She always wondered how Shigaraki felt, she was worried about Dabi's wounds, she even trusted Iguichi enough to risk her own life in battle and Twice and Mr Compress were like caretaker for her. She value their well being and trust them so much. How can this kind of love be inferior to her love for Ochaco and Izuku? I dont think it can.
And i dont think Jin was Toga's favorite in league. I personally think Shigaraki was/is her favorite person. No doubt that Jin was her bestfriend, her big brother and they connected but i always read her feelings for Tomura was a lot more than that, despite the fact that she didnt really connect with him, he was always in her mind. Toga's crushes wouldnt matter as people so it doesnt makes sense Izuku and Ochaco to be matter for her than her usual crushes. And despite the fact that she had Twice as friend, she still felt like she wasnt trusted and wasnt close enough to someone uncertain. We know thats not Twice because she already knows that Twice cared her more than anything.
And honestly, i dont really want to compare different types of love. There is family love, friendship love and romantical love. All of those are important. Maybe in Dabi's case, we could say she loved Jin more than him since Dabi and Toga werent really close that much, they recently connected but i dont think that was the case in Shigaraki's case.
She was one of the first league members he gets along with. Especially before Twice died, in several arcs and official arts that Toga was shown as thinking about Shigaraki's feelings, always trying to make him happy, listening his orders, imitating his behavours and more. More details in here. It condracts with what was/is shown to us. She clearly loves him so much too. So i dont think its because 'she love Ochaco and Jin more' or 'she didnt love Tomura and Dabi enough'.
I think its simply because Toga loves Tomura and Dabi but she feels disconnected from them, she is unable to reach out to them and i hope, they can eventually connect. Because this disconnection is always one of the center themes of Toga, Shigaraki and Dabi's arc. They feel disconnected from their loved ones, their identity and rest of the world. And they need help because of it. This is why they are so broken. They need someone to reach out to them and break this disconnection and let them be finally free. I hope Uraraka and Izuku and Shouto can help them.
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My veiling journey so far
So I’ve always preferred wearing hats and covering my head in some aspect. Especially in highschool because I have trichotillomania and was losing my hair very fast and wore beanies to cover up my bald spots. After highschool I experimented with wigs when I had bald spots.
I started being called to veiling specifically just over a year ago to protect my energy (I work retail and the kind of store I work in gets all types of people in various emotional states). I would just wear my normal outfits but with a bandanna. I found it comforting to not feel others people’s anger or waves of grief.
I found head scarves after I moved into my own apartment. It took a long time to find a style I liked. I typically wear a bun style.
I was also trying to work with a bunch of different gods at one time and wasn’t learning much from any of them. I felt really disconnected from my practice and stopped veiling for a bit.
Over winter I felt called to modesty and didn’t know why (I realize now it was a deity that I was being called to but more on that later)
Recently I realized that the relationships I had with most of the gods I worked with were very transactional and they weren’t actually teaching me anything. (I’m not upset about this. It was obviously my fault for working with gods that I just thought were cool. Not ones I was actually called to)
In the last couple weeks I realized that the being called to modesty over winter and being called now (even stronger) was because the goddess Hestia was entering my life and my practice. This is what pushed me to end my “relationships” with 4 of the deities I thought I was working with. I will say I had hints and signs she was entering my life months ago but I was ignoring them.
So rn I feel more called to veiling more than ever and modesty (but in my own way) as an act of devotion to hestia. I’m taking it slow and trying not to jump in completely blind like I normally do with everything.
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Ok bruinsblr, it’s been a few weeks and i think im finally ready to say some stuff.....
Firstly, if it wasn’t ABUNDANTLY CLEAR, i was in denial, probably more than ive ever been in my entire life. I’m only NOW starting to feel it as I type this out (which i KNEW would happen and its why i put off making this post).
It doesn’t feel real. It feels like someone took the script and ripped it into a thousand pieces. It feels like it wasn’t supposed to happen that way at all and that there was something evil force flipping the scales. It feels like everything just suddenly disappeared, like all of the sudden everything just freaking stopped and everyone just disappeared. I feel like I haven’t seen the team in YEARS even though its only been a couple weeks. Everything just feels gone.
Yall know ive been posting about oneus (and onewe) waaaay more often lately (and its not just because they came back with new music and ravns been active). Again, ive been in denial and oneus (and onewe) are my helpful distraction. Cuz otherwise ik i would’ve been a total complete mess. 2019 still feels worse to me because, again, I haven’t let myself feel all the emotions tied to the elimination. I haven’t thought about bergy or krech, I haven’t thought about the free agents, or anything else relating to it because if i do ik I’ll probably break aaaand im not ready to go down that road yet.
I’m happy about the regular season, probably more than I’ll ever be about another season ever again. Everything that happened was so surreal. Linus’ goaie goal, the bench clearing for Bergy’s 1000th point (and the fact that i got to go to the game where they honored him). The winter classic at fenway and JD killing it in LITERALLY every way possible. We got pooh bear, we got meth bear, we got everything. There were so many milestones, so many players who had the best seasons of their career.
I kinda feel like im in limbo. Like I don’t really know what to do with myself. Cuz i literally haven’t watched ANY other playoff games and it all just feels so weird. And i guess that’s the word that sums everything up for me. Weird.
I think when the season started, we all could feel that this was the last dance. And now that its over, I don’t know how to feel or what to do. I don’t even know how to post about the bruins rn. Cuz everything just feels so freaking weird and disconnected. I think im just detached from reality. I’m in my own little space where none of the painful emotions have fully hit me yet.
And now i feel like i don’t really know what to do with myself. Because since 2018 this has been a hockey blog (with a few other things randomly thrown in). The past 5 years have been hockey hockey hockey, and ive been posting about the same people for so freaking long.
And like...I don’t really know what to do now because im pretty 100% sure that some of those core people are going to be gone. Dynamics are going to change, and im someone who HATES change.
Honestly, at the beginning of the season/the end of last season, I was almost completely checked out of bruinsblr. That was the height of all the drama (iykyk) and the team got crushed in the playoffs + all the sh!t canes fans did to pasta. I was sick of lb’ing because i just wanted to watch the games in peace without having to see all the hate. I was sick of missing cute cellys just so i could type “BERGY YOU KING” before anyone else. I was exhausted.
But then this season came along and it was like all the joy from 2018-19 (my first year as a hockey fan) all came back. I was lb’ing the way i used to, without focusing on notes or followers. I was just enjoying it. Enjoying the games, enjoying the moments in real time. I didn’t make as many edits, I didn’t force myself to make them when I wasn’t motivated.
I enjoyed the season the way i was supposed to. As a fan rather than...whatever the fvck this account is. And it was amazing.
All this to say, idk what is coming. Idk what this off-season is gunna be like and idk what next season is gunna be like. Will I still lb? Maybe. Will I still edit the bruins? Maybe. Will I still post about the bruins? Maybe. Probably.
But am I going to obsess over the wags anymore? No. Am I going to screenshot things from insta and post them here with the caption “omg player xyz is so funny/cute for this!” No. That’s stuff I feel I’ve grown out of. Don’t get me wrong, i still love jd and cmac and bambi carlo and all the others, but i dont feel like posting about their personal lives anymore, especially when yall can just go to their instas and see it RIGHT THERE.
Here’s what I know though. I still love the bruins. I love their friendships and the team dynamics. I still love hockey, i still love sports. And this is still a fan account (duh its literally called IntoAFandom). I’m still going to post/talk/rant about it all. I’m still going to be a reblog queen and im still going to follow the tags like ive always done.
But I’m also telling you that I’m going to he posting a lot of oneus and onewe now. I feel like im moving into a new stage and they’re a part of it. So if you dont like it, this is your out. I wont get offended, kpop isn’t for everyone (hell, i used to ACTIVELY avoid it the entire time i was in high school and for a couple years after I graduated too).
Basically, I’m going to do what makes me happy now, just as I started doing this season. I’m going to do whatever I’m in the mood to do and I’m not going to force myself to do anything. Im going to watch the bruins and im going to continue to be a fan of them. I still love them and i still love the team. But im also going to love oneus and onewe and im going to stop holding myself back.
Yall know i loved marvel for the last 5 years too, but i think a lot of you probably know that I haven’t been into it lately, but that’s a post for a different time lol.
All this to say im growing. Im exploring new things, finding new loves. And its fun. Im learning korean (why am I lowkey good lol), I’m writing a book, i finally got over my fear of talking to people (yay me).
I feel like im starting to look at the world in a new way, a way I haven’t looked at it in a long time. And it’s making me happy, honestly.
This post took a weird (theres that word again) turn, so I apologize, but i feel like this is all connected somehow. I don’t know what this account is going to look like in a few months, but I guess thats the fun of it all.
Thanks for reading, sorry for the typos (ik there’s gunna be some but I’m too lazy to proof read this oop).
Thank you to all the friends ive made on bruinsblr (Liv and Sarah, thank you❤️). This isn’t a goodbye, because lets be real lol. But I guess its a new beginning? Idk. But yeah.
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Astro notes because these typa posts are getting popular
The usual dsiclaimer: I am no professional, take what resonates. Most of these are based off my close friends' charts.
To start off strong, I love venus in Aires. They're so passionate and fun in love, it's amazing. They most likely have a flirty nature with a streak of independence. I know, Aires isn't the best sign for venus, but if that's true why are they so cute??? Ok no jk jk, but for real now. As someone with a libra venus they make my heart go 📈📈. I feel like they're also the type to not want to label their feelings? Especially with some aquarius in the mix.
You have taurus placements? Be my friend rn. They're so down to earth and giving, not the most upfront about it but they care a lot for the people dear to them. Expression is different for every placement, but taurus moon is probably the most clear about it.
To all my mercury in the 9th house and 12th house people, you're not stupid just because these houses aren't considered a comfy place for the planet. Firstly 9th house is literally the house of higher studies and philosophy, I do not see the connection to lack of intelligence. And secondly, the 12th house also represents our subconscious, with mercuy in it, I suspect these people are more rational than they look or than their own expectations.
I have seen some astrology observations saying scorpios are attracted to leos and capricorns and uh, as a scorpio sun and mercury, cut the cams guys. This mix is simply so, good and appealing. The scorpio archetype values loyalty, truth and emotional depth. If there are any signs fit for this, capricorn and leo are among them. They're definitely loyal to their loved ones, not just anybody. They're devoted to their passions and most likely hard working too. What more could my scorpio juno want? (I am planning a juno post btw)
Another thing I have noticed is the observation that Neptune in the 1st/Pisces rising cannot be characterised by others easily. I have neptune in the 1st and yeah. Realistically, everyone acts a little different depending on the environment, but with this placement, I hardly feel like any personality test, kins, or other people's descriptions of me fit unless I tailor them and try to much them all together. I think this is because of Neptune in the 1st's tendency to be chameleon like, not necessarily on purpose. Also perhaps their disconnect from themselves. As someone who likes consistency in character, this sometimes infuriates me. If anyone else with these placements feels like this too, a word of advice is to accept the chameleon nature. It is human nature as well, not just astrology. Also, one single placement does not define your entire identity, so don't worry about it. If you wish to change something, maybe use neptune in the 1st's ability to change according to an ideal >:)
Find someone with their mars sign as your eros sign, or vice versa, if you're looking for physical/sexual attraction. Eros in mythology is the son of Aphrodite and Ares, Venus and Mars, he is basically the ultimate physical attraction placement. F.e: my best friend has mars in aquarius, and I have aquarius eros. Our chemistry is strong haha- and I have another friend whose eros was in capricron, and they obsessed over a guy with capricorn mars.
Talking about capricorn mars, I feel like it gets over-sexualised in the astrology community but for a good reason- ok no jk. These people have a great potential for an amazing work ethic, and really have a no bullshit attitude. I bet you can see why people thirst over them, right?
If there is one mars sign that always manages to piss me off, it's either gemini, pisces or aquarius mars. Gemini mars attacks you with their words, they most likely know where to hurt you. Aquarius mars is like this as well, but a whole lot more stubborn in the face of opposition. Meanwhile pisces mars is passive and they simply do not engage, which can leave people a little irritated (it's me, I'm people). However I believe these mars signs have a lot of positives as well. Gemini mars is very observant and witty, that's how they strike where it hurts. Aquarius mars is usually confident in their opinions, and pisces mars is great at mediating conflict when they don't run from it.
People say Jupiter in the 11th makes someone popular, meanwhile me, with this placements standing here with a friendgroup of at most 5 people. Ok no jk again. I get that it depends a lot on other factors. That's why I think Jupiter in the 11th makes someone jovial and easy to approach.
To all my other moon in the 12th house people, do you ever have moment when you respond emotionally to a situation you weren't expecting to? Like, where did that come from? I'll make a longer post on this, but I believe being in the 12th house, emotional workings are hidden and when they arise they are unexpected.
"Moon conjunct Saturn are unemotional" nah nah, they don't show they are emotional. Moon conjunct Saturn people can be extremely emotional just like anyone can, but they keep their feelings on a leash, to hell with it if they'd let them out lmao. Of course, they open up to the people they truly trust, which makes them very guarded but less likely to get stuck in a blackmail typa situation.
Chiron conjunct mars people have to heal some wounds regarding their anger. Perhaps they have internalised anger, or they express it too outwardly and hurt others without knowing. I sense there are some issues with figuring out where the blame stands (blame themselves too much or too little). Mars is also about protecting your own, so these people are most likely very guarded in terms of their issues and trauma.
Is it me or do we tend to have a love hate relationship with the sign of our descendant? I have Leo descendant and my experience with Leo sun signs isn't that great, however I am in love with leo moons even if they sometimes piss me off lmao- a friend of mine has Sagittarius descendant, and she said she doesn't like Sagittarius placements. And then she got a crush on someone with a Sagittarius stelluim-
And thay concludes it. Thanks for reading, and feedback is always welcome!
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helloooooo!! can i request some headcanons for the demon brothers with a MC that is Non Binary but is afab and insecure about being afab and doesnt feel like they are Non Binary. platonic or romantic either one is fine. thank you. also Jaehee is a Queen period.
I haven’t had Mystic Messenger installed on my phone for like a year and this blog is mostly, if not exclusively Obey Me rn, but I refuse to change my url because it remains true. Jaehee is the best and deserves the world <3
Also don’t mind me casually throwing in some Devildom/Celestial Realm gender headcanons as an intro~
Warnings: Mentions of gender dysphoria, internalized transphobia, insecurity gang rise up. I’ll try and keep it more general since this is meant to be a comfort/fluff piece.
The Brothers With an Insecure (AFAB) Nonbinary MC
As a whole, the Devildom doesn’t really do traditional gender. The variety in demons’ and fallen angels’ appearances makes for such a diversity of body types that markers of femininity and masculinity are easier to disregard. It’s commonplace to provide one’s pronouns along with their name when meeting someone new, and any changes in a demon’s presentation are noted with little more fanfare than a new haircut.
Even angels don’t really get preoccupied with gender: in fact, as MC discovered one day while talking with Luke and Simeon, most barely grasp the concept of what a gender is. Simeon had mentioned that this occasionally resulted in him forgetting the genders of his characters, resulting in TSL being extremely popular among transgender and nonbinary fandom communities.
But MC is not from the Devildom, nor are they from the Celestial Realm. They’re from the human world, with its reductive views on bodies, presentation, and identity. A year in the Devildom can’t erase a lifetime of cissexism.
Some days, it wears on them more than others.
Lucifer
Lucifer is always aware when MC’s self image starts wavering
As someone who has fought tooth and nail to remain true to himself, he understands the struggle of facing resistance to this
But the idea of it coming from within is somewhat foreign to him
Nonetheless, he’ll do anything within his power to make MC feel better
Will calmly, but firmly assert that MC is the only one who can determine their identity
It’s not about how they were born or raised, but who they know themself to be deep down
If it’s their gender dysphoria making them feel invalid, he’ll try and minimize it however he can
Need a different RAD uniform? No problem. Worried about being perceived a certain way? Anyone who stares at MC for too long or even dares to make a comment about their presentation is getting the Lucifer Death Glare.
Physical/body dysphoria? The Devildom has tons of temporary and permanent solutions for that, they can try whatever they’d like
It is vital for the success of the exchange program that all the students feel comfortable and well-accommodated
Also MC is very dear to him and he hates to see them suffering
Mammon
As soon as he notices MC is upset, he is READY TO FITE
Who’s been messing with them?!
What? They don’t feel like they’re really nonbinary? Are they questioning again, or—
Oh. Oh…
Well that’s stupid! What do you mean you don’t “look nonbinary”?! What’s there to look like? Humans are so weird about this stuff, look: you want to know what someone’s deal is, you ask! And their answer? That’s it! End of story, there ya go!
It’s not so simple in the human world, MC tries to explain
Mammon huffs and mumbles something about how it should be, but he can see this avenue isn’t making MC feel better
It seems whatever junk ideas the human world has about gender really gets into people’s heads…
Well, whenever Mammon wants to take his mind off of something, he opts for something exciting! Hitting the casino, making new plans that’ll definitely work this time, maybe even try and pull a prank on one of his brothers…?
But if MC just wants to cuddle and watch some mindless TV or play video games he doesn’t mind doing that either…
Leviathan
Levi knows, without fault, every single TSL characters’ pronouns and identities, if and how they change through the series, and between different media adaptations
He can (and will) list all the nonbinary characters like a gender Pokemon Rap, with special attention on those who match MC’s presentation and/or AGAB
(Not that AGAB is essential or even always available information, but dysphoria is not a rational creature, and Levi is very familiar with irrational emotions)
Would MC say that any of these characters aren’t really nonbinary because of how they look or how they started out? Then why are they any different?
But if something about their appearance is really bothering them, he might have a solution
Cosplay
Well, sort of
Crossplayers use all sorts of techniques to masculinize or feminize their appearance when necessary, and Levi’s pretty familiar with most of them
So if MC wants to try some out to see if it makes them feel more comfortable, he wouldn’t mind showing them! You know… if they’re… interested…
Also double-checks to make sure it’s okay that he calls them his “Henry” and assures them that it’s about the character’s role and personality, and not some sort of gender-based comparison
Unless... they like the comparison? andwouldliketocosplayasHenrytohisLordofShadows??
Satan
Who said this to you, MC.
Names. Now.
Boy gets frothing mad when MC explains it’s a societal and cultural problem, not an individual one, that fuels their insecurity.
If they don’t want to hear an hour long rant about the rich history of human gender expression and identity, they need to cut him off fast
If he could maim the concept of transphobia, he would
But alas, this is not a problem that can be solved (entirely) with violence
So he has to find other ways to show his support
Ask him about any notable trans, nonbinary, or otherwise gender nonconforming figures from human or demon history. He’ll happily tell MC all about them.
But, at the end of the day? In his opinion, there’s one person that shines above the rest
Someone who braved the longest odds, who persisted against the fiercest enemies and even turned them into their closest friends
Who saw others at their worst and sought to bring out the best in them…
*stage whispers* He’s talking about you
If there’s anyone who’s going to believe in the right to self determination and the irrelevance of your origins to your present identity, it’s Satan
And if anyone ever does try to tell MC that their doubts about themself are true?
Just give him their name and don’t ask questions
Asmodeus
So they’re worried about being too feminine? Is there such a thing?
If that’s the case, they can be “too feminine” together
Asmo’s gender nonconformity has earned him praise all throughout his life, so the idea of being ashamed of such a thing is alien to him
But he does know what it’s like to have an audience who expects a specific image from you
And the fear of disappointing them
But gender isn’t a performance
Well, it is, sometimes, poor choice of words: but it’s a performance for you
Asmo presents the way he does because it’s what makes him happy, same with the rest of the brothers
MC shouldn’t be any different
If they’re looking for a more masculine wardrobe or just want a change of pace, he’ll happily help them find clothes that make them feel more comfortable, but his main concern is that they know they’re free to wear what they’d like, act how they’d like, and it doesn’t change who they are
Whatever image they want to make of themself, he can get them there, but only if it’s because they want it, not because it’s what they think they’re supposed to be like, okay?
Beelzebub
When MC first confesses to Beel that they feel like they’re not really nonbinary because of their body, he kinda looks around and gestures as if to say “really? Down here?”
Has MC ever noticed that RAD doesn’t have gendered sports teams?
Yeah, if they separated people by something as irrelevant as gender or Diavolo forbid, sex, people would get seriously injured or worse
There are so many ways to be a man or a woman or a nonbinary person, and they’re not always what you’d expect
Some of Beel’s best teammates and scariest opponents look and act nothing like you’d expect them to
If they’re feeling disconnected from their body, Beel is totally down to work out with them, keep them grounded in all the good their body does for them and that they can do for it
And yes, also the good food their body lets them experience
He also definitely reaches out and gives their hand a lil squeeze if he ever notices them feeling down while they’re out together
He cares for them a lot and just wants them to be happy at the end of the day
Belphegor
Oh yeah, that’s one of the stupidest things about the human world
Belphie remembers being mistaken for a woman a lot when he used to visit the human world, and how confused he was when people got into such a tizzy over his gender
Why waste all that energy on something that doesn’t matter? If you must know, just ask the person and be done with it
It doesn’t matter what they look like
MC is MC
If they say they’re nonbinary, that’s good enough for him
If they don’t want to be touched, especially in certain places tiddy pillow naps, he might get pouty, but he’s all bark and no bite, he’ll respect their wishes
His approach to making MC feel better is more geared towards normalizing their identity
If he accepts it as a fact, then maybe they’ll catch on that people will respect them if they know what’s good for them?
Also, if they hear him mumbling about correct pronouns and punching transphobes in his sleep… No they didn’t. He’s not dreaming about them, he swears...
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ATEEZ as students studying
HONGJOONG:
king of self-care! but studies for 15 minutes then take a 2 hour break and calls it self-care (omg he thinks he’s me or smth)
has power naps every single day at least 30 mins because he’s Stressed
always thinking of ways to drop out during the middle of lectures
that one kid that talks to nobody & sits at the back of the class with his hood on to hide his airpods
doesn’t do it anymore bc one time it disconnected and “there’s some whores in this house” blasted out loud & now he’s paranoid
shows up to group studies but lets the group carry him,,, but he puts out One Really good idea to get his name on the paper
only cares about topics he’s interested in, other than that he’s just astral projecting
“yo can you send me your answers so i can compare mine?” but he copies it and says “we got the same answers” (all men do is lie</3)
calculates his marks; “ok so i need at least a 80 on this...oh wait no, a 95...damn okay...”
the type to arrives late with ice coffee
SEONGHWA:
wakes up at 5 am to study instead of staying up
scented candles and lofi music for the ~studying mood~
a linguistic learner
learns best by teaching others so he’ll do group studies often to help other people
teaches people without making them feel dumb
uses grammarly for his emails with 3 paragraphs asking 1 question with a proper greeting and a ‘sincerely, park seonghwa’
professor: ok - sent from iphone
you’ll never see him during exams week, he’s Gone
a loyal user of the outline method
his desk must be cleared at all times! a clean workspace makes it easier to focus
brings extra pencil just in case anyone needs them bc he’s the sweetest person ever (he’s fully aware that he’ll never get them back but it’s okay bc sharing is caring)
does his readings on time (you’ll never catch him slacking)
actually has his shit together for the most part 1/2
YUNHO:
writes “i love you” or “sorry” at the end of his tests (that he bombed)
the type to ask you to print “just one thing real quick” and it’s 15 page and at 2 am
uses emojis like :D & \(^o^)/ when sending emails to his professors
has a bad habit of copying word for word on the slide and he doesn’t actually understand/learn anything
goes to the library bc he thinks that’ll help him be in the ~studying vibe~
it doesn’t. ends up texting or watching youtube gameplay
has never heard of the colour-coding system in his entire life and ends up with a page filled with neon highlight
snacks breaks are the only thing keeping him Normal
leaves himself an encouraging note at the end of the reading page so when he’s finished he feels good !!
friends with all of the professors and uses all office hours
strongest points are his guessing skills in multiple-choice questions (process of elimination ftw!)
he tries his best, doesn’t care about marks that much because he knows it doesn’t determine him (and he’s right!)
YEOSANG:
probably runs a studyblr/gram
has the cutest note ever, his handwriting is so pretty!!
he thinks that buying an ipad pro & apple pencil will make him smarter
likes it bc he can doodle on it then erase them easily :”)
has to wear blue ray glasses because of how he looks at a screen so much
mildliners, muji 0.38 gel pen, 6 ring binder, minimal planner, washi tapes, you name it! he visits muji and daiso every other week
buys wayyy too many planners and notebooks which he never ends up using
only uses pastel mildliners because they’re easy on the eyes. cringes every time he sees yunho’s highlighters v_v
his flaw is that he spends 10 mins writing his header with brush tip pens
mutes the group project gc but gets his part done like the good classmate he is
sweats every time he gets an assignment back, takes a whole ten minute to mentally prepare himself
a visual learner; makes mind maps, flow charts, etc
actually has a working printer that he uses pretty often to prints lessons before class just to be Extra prepare
tells everyone he slept well but his bullet journal habit tracker for sleep says otherwise (plz rest!!)
exclusively uses college ruled paper like the sane person he is
SAN:
uses wide-ruled paper (unfortunately not everyone is perfect</3)
starts off very positive, motivated, and organized
then everything goes downhill by the second week
will definitely set byeol on top of his keyboard, take a picture, and send it to his professor as an ‘excuse’ as why he needs an extension (it works)
can’t sit still for any longer than 30 mins, his legs are always bouncing or fidgeting with pen
flashcard king! spends a lot of time on them but it’s worth it
a utensil chewer (always willing to share his pencil but when ppl saw the bite marks they’re like No Thanks >_>)
can’t study well with groups or himself bc he’ll be distracted,,, so he needs one person that can ground him bc when they’re in the zone, he will too be on his x game mode
sends his assignment at 11:58 pm hoping his professor will take the Hint (plz don’t be afraid to ask for help u_u)
prefers listening to ghibli studio soundtracks but then he either gets emotional or sleepy
sometimes forget to mute his mic and we just hear him groaning in frustration
“haha sorry i just stubbed my toe...”
then mutes his mic and goes back to his mental breakdown
MINGI:
the only person that studies every single day just to get his brain used to the information and running
probably listens to anime op or edm music for that Energy Boost
everyone either hates or love him because...
1. loves him bc he always comes clutched with study guides (and willing to share if he likes you enough)
2. he’s good at everything even if he’s not paying attention/doing it last minute
just naturally good at retaining information and applying them
asks Big Brain question that even the professors are shook
sometimes he gets super into the topic and wants to know Everything
“i’ve never failed an exam in my life” and he’s right! big brain mingi
fetal flaw is that he forgets easily (hence why the last minute) and has to write on his palm as a reminder
clicks his pens All the time so he switched to pens with caps just to keep others from jumping him
takes naps 10 mins before classes
actually has his shit together for the post part 2/2
“if no one got me, i know khan academy and quizlet got me. can i get an amen”
WOOYOUNG:
y’all know that one mf that doesn’t have a pencil?
yea he’s been using the same one someone lend to him before a test and never returned it
it’s been two months and it’s still working well and they’re never going to get it back
a minimalist,,,, but in a bad way</3 bc he carries his stolen pencil and paper that he spilled his energy drink over and that’s about it
just throw loose papers in his bag and forgets about their existence
doesn’t do binders or notebooks, just crumbled up paper
sometimes carries a textbook just to show everyone that he’s got his life together
really noisy for No reason, always wants to know other’s marks
a kinesthetic learner
hides his screen with he gets the kahoot questions wrong (you’ll never catch him slippin)
plays coolmathgames.com during class
doesn’t really know what to study/prioritize so he overwhelms himself with every single topic ever
thinks he’s god by pulling an all-nighter to look at the 60+ slides last minute
Swears he’ll change and do better next semester,,,</3
goes to the cafe, takes pictures of his notes & laptop, post it on his story, then leaves
JONGHO:
thrives off of red bull and ice americanos
gets notes and study guides from his upperclassmen because everyone loves jongho
an audio learner so he’ll probably work out or go on a jog while listening to lessons/audiobook
never pulls all-nighters bc it messes up his sleep schedule and says he’ll do it in the morning but he never does
doesn’t even own a highlighter, he’ll circle or underline stuff with a red or black pen
has never touched a textbook in his life
only the study guides and slides, his textbook is collecting dust rn
his notes are literally Only for him because his handwriting only makes sense to him
has questionable handwriting,,, it’s like decoding
multitasks a lot but it ends up taking a lot longer than he wanted to (bc it’s a myth)
very spontaneous; he’ll grind for 5 hours straight but sometimes he won’t even touch a pencil
works best when he talks about the work in groups and share information with each other, like having a convo about the topic
unmutes his mic Once after the lesson to say “bye”
does his work right after the lessons but then takes a short break & doesn’t even Look back for the rest of the night
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a/n: tag yourself ! i’m a bit of hohong (i projected myself on all of them in some way lmaooo)
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ok i was filling out luvdsc's form n i went on a whole rant about ur jeno demigod fic bc i just finished it so i just thought id spam u here too bc oml. first off thank u for posting it idk how long it's been up there but the pure Joy of checking ur acc & finding it: unmatched. second off sweet god im a sucker for bff2l but. that fic. made me a e2l believer i can't. i cannot. your worldbuilding (not just the author's, your contribution n integration of urs into it too) is so impeccable and the way every scene is mapped out so clearly u can effortlessly see it play out in ur head without even trying is just so. so pleasing.
- maybe im a hopeless romantic, maybe it's the disconnected world, maybe it's your writing (most definitely) but it just feels like this fic itself, not the story, is from a different time in the best possible way. it's just so raw and honest and while these days picture perfect writing is wonderful, your way of passing on images and scenes to readers makes it feel like more than just an picture box, idk how else to describe it but i felt so many things while reading n that's how yk a piece of writing is good: if u question ur life after it lol
sry for the spam, final msg i promise: but i can't imagine how much effort n dedication you put into that series. it's really inspiring. it's nice to read something this intense again. from the character growth to the funny bits to the way those two meat heads felt about each other n got us feeling in the process to that last scene, you've done a really lovely job on this n i can only hope you're as proud of it as we are happy to read, tysm n goodluck on wtv uve got planned next <33
wow i think this is the nicest ask i think i've ever received about my writing??? i am so floored that i genuinely am at a loss for words rn except thank you so so so so much ??? my mind is all over the place bc this ask has made me so happy but wow i've tried my best to gather my thoughts into a coherent response and i apologize if it's all over the place
first, i am SO excited that i have successfully converted you into an e2l believer as that is the superior trope 🧎♀️ and pls you are too kind !!! i'm so honored that you're praising my worldbuilding so highly omg you make my writing seem so much cooler than it is 🥺 the og pjo books can never be beaten, but i really tried to create that sense of community throughout the fics and i wanted to make sure the fics all connected with each other so that it truly felt like one universe (hence all the easter eggs) !! it makes me really happy that you were able to visualize the scenes in your head because i struggle with writing descriptions A LOT so i mulled over those for a while 💀 ESPECIALLY for jeno's fic because there was so much happening in it and more location changes than any fic i've ever written
FKJALKEL IM GONNA CRY OMFG IM SUCH A WRECK RN BC THIS IS HONESTLY ONE OF THE HIGHEST HONORS A WRITER COULD RECEIVE 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i wish i could express how grateful i am with more than just saying thank you but THANK YOU SO MUCH !!!!!! my goal is always to evoke any sort of emotion from my readers, even if it’s just a laugh so to hear you express how you felt during the fic makes me feel so accomplished 💗💗💗
DONT APOLOGIZE OMG YOUR MESSAGE MADE MY DAY I HOPE YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE YOU TAKING THE TIME TO TALK ABOUT MY FIC ON CAT’S FORM AND TO LEAVING SUCH A KIND ASK IN MY INBOX 🥰💗💖💞💓💘💝💟✨🌷🌸 my period must be coming bc i am legit teary eyed as i’m typing rn 😩 and yes even though i like to complain about how much i suffered writing the series, i am genuinely proud of it but i’m even prouder of all the love and support i’ve gotten over this long ass journey 🥺 you guys have been nothing but lovely to me and hype me up even when i feel like my writing is shit and i hope you know how much that means to me <33333 not to get all sappy but thank you again ilysm ❤️❤️❤️
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thats amazing 🤍🤍 heres the situation and i truly appreciate the chance// its an old situation but i feel so overwhelmed with it i even been dreaming about it when i thought i moved on ///// my name is Athari my ex name is Abdulrahman .. we broke up last year (it been on and offs for three years but the last year one was the last) i want to know if there’s a chance of any type reconciliation and what are his feelings and thoughts about me rn .. or should i jus move on with my life 🤍 ps: hes in a relationship rn but i dont know how serious it is.
How I phrased your question: Is there a chance of any reconciliation between Athari and Abdulrahman?
I see a maybe.
3 of pentacles (r) clarified by 3 of cups. This can insinuate your discontentment for his relationship status or he’s feeling discontent in his current relationship. The depiction of 3 people on the cards make me think this. I feel that you still have deep feelings for him subconsciously. You mentioned you’re dreaming of him, this could mean he’s either manifesting/recalling the past with you or you are the one reminiscing about the past. The way you felt with him and how you may wish to have some part of that relationship/emotion back.
2 of swords clarified by 9 of cups (r). This connection cannot continue at the moment due to him being in another relationship and I feel there might be something off about this connection. You may feel uncertain if you really want him back and or you believe things will get better the next time you’re together. There’s an illusionary feeling here. Some expectations just aren’t going to happen. I’m also hearing “unfair?” Side note, if this is his energy I’m picking up, I dunno if the label of taken is just to boast about it or if he’s only in it for momentary gratification. If this is you seeking/wanting these good times back, ask yourself if you want a day or a decade and more. Also, by chance if you’re communicating with his current partner or get the opportunity to, try not to entertain fights/aggression like “I’ve known him longer/intimately more than you” sort of banters. Take the high road and wave that energy off.
Knight of cups (r) clarified by king of wands. Ask yourself this, do you actually want him back or are you jealous he’s move on? There’s something here that’s not clicking with me. Someone’s ego is getting in the way of rationality or like what’s reality?? I feel there’s huge jealousy and disconnection here. The knight card (r) leans more to jealousy and disappointment but it’s clarified by the King of wands? My interpretation would be that you’re drawn to his energy and past memories but are saddened in current time since those days are gone?? This or he’s a smooth talker and if he does get back in touch with you, be careful. Cause if he’s not serious and the connection just sours again, then you’ll just be in this cycle of on and off.
Should Athari move on from him?
I sense the answer is all up to you. This relationship might be karmic or highly spiritually related.
The sun, 4 of wand (r), 5 of (r) indicate a no, the clarifiers: Judgement, page of swords (r), and knight of swords indicates yes. Overall here’s my take, please take this with a grain of salt:
If he reaches out and claims to have changed or is more open to you (vise versa you to him) then try sticking with him. For this relationship to work out you both need to let go of whatever doesn’t assist in the improvement of the connection. Should you guys break up again, do not let him back in. While the face placements of the cards indicate you shouldn’t move on yet (not including the clarifiers) the back of the deck is the 10 of swords. Indicating an ending or a painful/emotionally traumatic situation. The meaning of the cards themselves speak on letting go and bring in the new, lean to more stable energy. If this relationship isn’t health objectively please do not get back with this person. Spirit could be indicating that should you get back with him, he will teach you an important lesson that you’ll carry on when/if you seek out another relationship. Could be a commitment test or how you should be treated kind of ordeal. Trust your intuition and decide with both mind and heart 💚
Your charms:
Pisces, Rainbow Flag, Lock, Fairy, Acorns, Bee and the letter R
My interpretation:
Pisces is giving me that dreamy energy. But can also stand for illusions and fantasy. If this is referring to the savior or saving complex, be careful. I don’t know his sign but maybe he’s got Pisces in his big 3 or natal chart. The Flag in this spread makes me feel there’s a sense of pride. In the reading egoism was a feeling I was picking up on and both pride and ego are similar but not the same. There’s disillusionment that needs to be addressed here. In this connection even if there’s instances of satisfaction, be sure it’s not just out of desire and there’s emotional depth here. The lock here makes me think that either you or him isn’t being honest with each other. Something needs to come out for stability. This or he’s working on his current relationship and he’s on lock and out of your reach. The fairy indicates divinely guided or spirit is looking after you. Acorns to me signify birth/rebirth, endurance, beginnings and growth. If you both choose to work on this connection together it could grow into something good. Or you’ll part ways knowing you did what you could and still have grown from the experience. The bee symbolizes celebrations and community to me. You could meet him again in a public gathering or during a time of celebration/ holiday. Or potentially if your focus on your self and review/analyze what you want in a relationship, you could meet someone new. The words that come to mind for your letter are: Return, Rebirth, Reschedule, Reason, Real, Realizations, Rome, Ramirez, Rhodonite
🙏🏼Thank you for you question, please let me know if this resonates🍀
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hi!! I had a few questions. I’ve been questioning if I’m a system for a while and I rlly don’t know at which point it’s ok to say I am(how do I become confident in that?). I truly feel like different people with separate identities at times, and like I possibly have passive influence..especially with gender and sexuality. but what if if my identity is just fluid? along with feeling like different people, at times I rlly feel like the world and body isn’t mine or that I’m not even real or human. I think im ghostkin(as in involuntarily I feel like I am a ghost..dinosaur too) but I wonder if these are actually non human (or “undead ghost”) alters? how do I tell? recently I also looked back on old(but honestly not even that old at all) conversations.. to find that I had an extremely different typing style and way of behaving.. it distressed me and I didn’t think I could ever behave like that… especially since the way I act/type has changed so much in a short period of time.. I don’t remember this change happening.. possibly it’s just me becoming more mature but I rlly felt disconnected from that “past me.” Ive also always had dissociation and have been forgetful at times… it feels like everyday besides the current present never actually happened and it’s hard to remember or feel like it was me that experienced it. I do end up remembering stuff (it depends-) but is that amnesia? bc I know to have DID and OSDD-1a u need amnesia… so I’m like .. if I don’t have it then would I have OSDD-1b?.. the problem I’m having though… is that I’m not exactly having any communication with ANYONE in any way and I know very little(no names and such) about any other alters except: one feels transmasc one feels transfem and I started calling the transfem one momo?.. there’s also me having a traumatic experience and started to identity 100% as a fictional character (two but mainly this one happens right at the trauma) so I wonder if it’s not a kin but a fictives? .. plus at a young age I do remember experiencing trauma … so it makes me wonder if I’m a system or not .. but honestly I don’t know how to tell at this point bc I’ve tried to talk to others and it doesn’t work … I don’t feel confident saying I’m a system bc my experiences are not the same as others.. (they have carrds listing s bunch of info on all alters) and I don’t…and I don’t want u to dx me!! I just don’t know what to do at this point in time..? I don’t know how to move forward or what I should do .. when is it ok to say I’m a system and how do I know which disorder I have?…I’m scared to tell my therapist ANYTHING mental health relays honestly
hi!! I had a few questions. I’ve been questioning if I’m a system for a while and I rlly don’t know at which point it’s ok to say I am(how do I become confident in that?). I truly feel like different people with separate identities at times, and like I possibly have passive influence..especially with gender and sexuality. but what if if my identity is just fluid? along with feeling like different people, at times I rlly feel like the world and body isn’t mine or that I’m not even real or human. I think im ghostkin(as in involuntarily I feel like I am a ghost..dinosaur too) but I wonder if these are actually non human (or “undead ghost”) alters? how do I tell? recently I also looked back on old(but honestly not even that old at all) conversations.. to find that I had an extremely different typing style and way of behaving.. it distressed me and I didn’t think I could ever behave like that… especially since the way I act/type has changed so much in a short period of time.. I don’t remember this change happening.. possibly it’s just me becoming more mature but I rlly felt disconnected from that “past me.” Ive also always had dissociation and have been forgetful at times… it feels like everyday besides the current present never actually happened and it’s hard to remember or feel like it was me that experienced it. I do end up remembering stuff (it depends-) but is that amnesia? bc I know to have DID and OSDD-1a u need amnesia… so I’m like .. if I don’t have it then would I have OSDD-1b?.. the problem I’m having though… is that I’m not exactly having any communication with ANYONE in any way and I know very little(no names and such) about any other alters except: one feels transmasc one feels transfem and I started calling the transfem one momo?.. there’s also me having a traumatic experience and started to identity 100% as a fictional character (two but mainly this one happens right at the trauma) so I wonder if it’s not a kin but a fictives? .. I also feel like often I’m possibly co con ?? bc I’ll feel unlike “me”/the body yet say “I have to be (body name) who else could I be)… plus at a young age I do remember experiencing trauma … so it makes me wonder if I’m a system or not .. but honestly I don’t know how to tell at this point bc I’ve tried to talk to others and it doesn’t work … I don’t feel confident saying I’m a system bc my experiences are not the same as others.. (they have carrds listing s bunch of info on all alters) and I don’t…and I don’t want u to dx me!! I just don’t know what to do at this point in time..? I don’t know how to move forward or what I should do .. I’m scared to tell my therapist ANYTHING mental health relays honestly Rn
Okay, first things first bud: slow down. Take a breath, and remember that there is absolutely no rush to come to these conclusions. Not about your system status, not about your gender, not about any of this stuff.
Next: As long as you’ve done your research, and taken time to really look at yourself and did/osdd/udd, and you feel like your experiences align with them, then it’s okay to self dx it.
As for the amnesia, yes. Amnesia is most commonly thought about as a complete black out, Idk what the hell happened at all kind of amnesia, but that’s not the only or even the most common type of amnesia. While black outs happen for some, grey outs (sort of remembering, but also not really, maybe like remembering big events but not any details of the event) or emotional amnesia (remembering something sort of but also feeling very emotionally disconnected) are far more common.
It’s important to remember that no ones experiences in system life are exactly the same way. Just because your experiences aren’t exactly the same as those you see doesn’t disqualify you from having the disorder at all. For every system you see out here having organisation and lists and blogs and whatnot there are three to five more you don’t see because their systems aren’t so comfortable with that or known or communicative or overt enough.
On a personal note, it took five years for us since we started questioning and noticing things to even accept and conclude that we were a system, and three years since that to get to the communication level that we have. Also, remember that here on Tumblr and on places like TikTok and whatnot, we get to choose how we present ourselves, what we do and do not share. We tailor how others see us. And most of the time for yalls viewing pleasure, we keep our dark shit off of this page. Our serious struggles and trauma and bad shit that comes with DID goes to our private vent page. What you see on social media is not ever going to be a 100% perspective of a disorder and all of the ways it manifests.
That being said, if you feel like you don’t quite fit the criteria for DID or OSDD, there is another diagnoses called UDD which can include those with systems. Please read this post for more on self dx, the criteria for DID, OSSD, and UDD, and related. (It’s also pinned in our pinned post, so you may or may not have read it already)
Lastly, the fact that you don’t feel comfortable talking to your Mental Health Professional about mental health is very concerning. I strongly recommend you get a new MHP asap with whom you can discuss these things if at all possible.
I hope this helps, and if you have any more questions or if I missed something you wanted a direct response to, don’t hesitate to ask. Always happy to answer to the best of my ability
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Happy Birthday, Dean...
**Warnings** Some language maybe? Angst. That’s pretty much it. This one is pretty light.
A/N: Just a little drabble that I threw together for Dean’s Birthday! Hope you enjoy it! All mistakes are mine! Please don’t copy my stuff!!
Word Count: 1504
Pairing: Dean Winchester x Read, kinda, mentions of Sam x Reader
If anyone wants to be added to my tag list let me know!!!
To say you and Dean didn't like each other was an understatement.
You'd been with the Winchesters for five years now. Ever since your uncle Bobby had passed away, and you didn't have anywhere to go. They had taken you in, and from that moment on you and Dean had become worst enemies. You where certain that if it were not for Sam, Dean would have kicked you to the curb a long time ago. You weren't a hunter, well not exactly, you preferred research. You'd been raised in the life, and for that reason, coupled with the fact that you where Bobby Singer's niece, every evil thing and it's mother.. creature... whatever... knew your name. So you, like the Winchesters and every other hunter/hunter family, had one giant target painted on your back.
Lucky you.
You weren't a fighter.
Not that you couldn't, you just didn't care to. The pain involved wasn't exactly your forte, and you didn't go out looking for a fight even though you did know how to defend yourself. You made yourself useful to the boys and other hunters by becoming a female version of Bobby.
Well, without the overuse of alcohol, and the horrible taste in classic country music, not to mention a lot cleaner to say the least.
You answered phones for hunters. You did the research for more than just the Winchesters. Dean didn't really like that either, though you didn't know why. Even though you had contact via email, phone, text, and sometimes video chat you never talked to any of them in person, so you couldn't see or understand the danger. Every hunter out there knew you lived and worked with the Winchesters. So nothing in its right mind, living, dead, or the undead, dared to lay a finger on you.
You traveled with them all over the place. Staying in abandoned houses, shitty hotel rooms, and whatever else you could find. Sometimes it was just the back of the Impala. That was until they found out about being legacies, and The Bunker. Things did seem to improve after that. You all had a little more space. Definitely more personal space. That helped in and of its self. Dean though, for some reason, still seemed to hate you no matter where you were staying. You couldn't remember ever doing anything to the handsome hunter. You weren't stupid, or suicidal. You never challenged him in any way. You just didn’t get it.
After you moved into The Bunker you did classes online, and even snuck around and took some clinical work it took to get your RN. Until Dean caught you anyway and flipped his lid, screaming at you that something or someone could have found you working at that hospital late at night while you did your Clinicals, and killed you. You thought you would be helping becoming an RN, something you always wanted to do, but he insisted you where needed behind a book or a computer screen. That they had Cass to handle the healing, and they didn't need you, or your input concerning the matter of their physical health.
That was the last time you spoke directly to the elder Winchester. That night you cried yourself to sleep, and when you got up, you swore you'd never let him, or any other man, do that to you again. So you buried yourself in research and work, only speaking to Dean when it was required.
Sam, on the other hand, he was your best friend. Always had been since the moment you meet him. He seemed to get you, the two of you just click. Like two little nerds, happy to do whatever it was that you were doing together. You never got into a fight. You watched movies together. You did everything together.
When he met Eileen the two of you clicked right away as well. You knew Dean couldn't figure that out because he was always swearing that you and Sam were sleeping together even though you didn't see each other that way.
Tonight was not much different from any other night, the boys were out on another case, hunting a Wendigo from what you could guess, that’s what it looked like in the evidence pile that Sam had emailed you. They were close to wrapping it up last time Sam had texted you, but you didn't expect them back till sometime early that next morning. So that meant another night alone in The Bunker. Which honestly you were used to by now, and it sort of was the safest place in the word when you took all the warding and things like that into consideration.
You wondered your way back to your room down the hallway, a cup of coffee in hand, and the intent to watch Netflix until you finally got tired enough to fall asleep.
Settling down with your laptop you typing in your password. Your time and date popped up on your screen saver. Jan. 23, 2020. 11:34 p.m.
The date stopped you for a moment. It was Dean's birthday in less than 30 minutes time. He'd made it to 41 years old... That was something in the life you lived. Most men didn't live until they were 35, much less over 40. Bobby and Rufus were almost the only exception to the rule you'd ever meet in person. Here he was though, if he survived the next 30 minutes he would officially be 41 years old...
Sitting there in the darkness, the only light that was going was the laptop, and the dim old bedside lamp, you caught yourself thinking. That was something you didn't like to do.
Think.
It caused way too many emotions and things that you didn't want to feel. Like the fine line between love and hate you knowingly walked with Dean. Yes, you were technically enemies, and yes, you couldn't stand each other most of the time, but sitting here in the dark, thinking the words that just rolled across your mind, "If he survived the next 30 minutes,” made your heart feel like it weighed 200lbs in your chest.
The thought of Sam having to call you, and tell you that Dean was gone was almost unbearable. A single tear rolled down your face before you could even bother to wipe it away. Shit... Maybe you didn't hate Dean after all...
Was it really possible that you actually loved Dean... That you were terrified of his rejection, so you chose rather too act as his enemy because it was easier?
It crossed your mind that this hunting life was finally starting to get to you, but you shoved that aside for later. Right now the most important thing you had to face was the fact that like it or not, you were in love with Dean; and it took you imagining his death to really see it. You had it shoved so far down you believed your own lie.
Picking up the phone before you could stop yourself, you dialed Dean's phone number. It was now midnight. If he made it through this hunt, and Chuck wasn't being a total Jackass, then he'd made it to 41, but you realized something.
Being a hunter meant that there was a strong possibility that you didn't have the next five minutes, and you had worked yourself up so much that you had to hear his voice just once to settle your pounding heart and know that he was okay.
It rang and rang. The more the phone rang, the more afraid you got that you were right. That your fear was right. He hadn't survived the hunt.
Then just when you were about to give up hope and have a whole nervous breakdown, you heard the voice that made your heart standstill in your chest for at least three beats.
"Hello...."
He sounded uncertain, which you guess was normal, you had never called him before... Ever...
Normally you just made contact through Sam. You preferred to act like Dean didn't exist to you, so you ignored him.
"Y/N? Hello? Is everything okay?"
His voice more desperate now, which made you feel even worse for the way you'd been treating him. He was worried because you never called him, now he thinks something is wrong.
"H...Hey Dean," you stuttered, knowing if you didn't say something if he survived the speeding trip here he'd kill you when he saw you where unharmed.
"Is everything okay Y/N?" he asked, a little calmer now that you answered him.
"Yeah, uh, I just uh, I just was worried about you guys. I haven't heard anything since Sam's text."
Here you were lying to him again, mentally slapping yourself. Why did you keep doing this?
"Oh... Uh... Everything went fine, we're about an hour from home now. Y/N, you do know this my phone not Sam's, right?" he asked.
You couldn't understand his tone, it was, strange, soft, hopeful?
"Oh... I'm sorry Dean... Guess I got the wrong Winchester," you mumble, trying to keep your voice even.
You hang up the phone before he could question your odd behavior anymore. Looking at the disconnected call you whisper what you called him for in the first place. What you didn't have the guts to say.
"Happy Birthday, Dean...."
_________________________________________
Pt. 2 here!!!
30 Minutes til Midnight
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Here’s why I want my parents dead /hj
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE like I know hating your parents if they aren’t overtly abusive (and even if they are it’s only mildly) like bruh, tempted to list out my parents “abuse” here. also like bruh, i’m fine rn, i’ve just been hating them for a while
This isn’t fully everything ever, it’s just an overview and I don’t think it touches the main problems enough (also I don’t give a lot of examples because there’s too many and I don’t have the will to write em all,and i’ve still overviewing everything)
-never respect my wishes if it goes against theirs (e.x. please leave me alone, can i go outside?, can I leave and go upstairs?)
this is a big one
-don’t respect my privacy (in weird ways too, like my dad opening the door to scare me when i’m changing) and making fun of it too
plus in normal ways like reading my journals or never knocking no matter how many times i tell them to
-making fun of me on purpose to get me upset, even when i ask them to stop
-getting suddenly and violently angry (dad):
often unreasonably and quickly
my dad curses people out under his breath, as a sign he’s going to get violent
has broken things, SUCH AS MY WHOLE ASS PHONE by throwing it on the ground does punch things, generally not people, e.x. walls, but not that hard. he has punched me
DOES to people- slap, push (this one especially, just last week he did), throw, scratch
is destructive to other’s property (e.x. ripping up THEIR papers)
refuses to listen to suggestions like, in the future, trying to calm down, or writing out his anger instead or seeking therapy
been like this towards me since i was 6-7 years old
it can escalate from anything
will degrade you and insult you, if you ever say anything back (even in a non-angry situation, will grow even angrier/get very angry)
makes you feel awful
can last for hours and never accomplishes anything apart from further degrading yourself
if you don’t give the exact answer he wants, will get even angrier
I’m obviously terrified of him
Swears at me, except they censor me so much they could probably kill me if I ever swore so that exacerbates the fear of it
after the fact continuosly denies it
-my dad also:
always demands respect
always plays the victim and complains about how we dislike him
never admits his mistakes
is awful to my little sister, randomly, even when she’s being perfectly fine
-my mother and father’s relationship
they openly and mean to each other. they never display affection and joke about divorcing
sometimes dad yells at mom for a while, it’s obvious he thinks he’s superior to her and belittles her intelligence
they are sometimes violent, but not often, and not overtly, more violent towards objects than each other when fighting with each other
they do get in fights often (see: my dad’s belief in his superiority)
-openess with them
there is none. they constantly criticize any self expression, make all subjects taboo, get angry over nothing and overall make me terrified of talking to them, then get all sad about “why don’t you tell us“ but if I try to express anything, even if they don’t get angry, they’ll store it in their heads and then later keep using it against me. “You said we were bad parents, do you not want to eat our food?“ “You said you were unmotivated, you don’t even have a reason to be sad.“ (said in an challenging, mean way)
-my self esteem
-my dad, physically (TO BE CLEAR I don’t think my dad in any way in trying to do anything sexual, i’m just saying he never respects my boundaries and here are some things he thinks are “perfectly fine” that he does, also this might be a bit disconnected sounding, i’m just so tired
commenting on my weight/appearance (mom too)
commenting on what i’m wearing, especially teasing me if it’s something out of the usual, as if i’m not insecure enough already
dictating what i wear if they don’t like what i’m wearing
commenting (negatively) on my mom’s weight a lot (to be fair, they both joke about being old and him balding and a little about him being fat so this one isn’t as bad apart form the fact that i’m skinnier so he “jokes” a lot about how i’m like a skinnier version of her)
fatso called the girl in the video
forces me to hug and kiss him, often only giving my phone back or treats luke donuts if I kiss him, even if I’ve expressed i’m uncomfortable (just does this a lot and i hate it)
-the past
have yelled for me for no reason since i was young
i don’t remember ever liking my dad (wait, before 6 years of age i remember liking him and before I was 9 i remember not hating him at all times)
i continously try to trust them again, then they break me
they were never open with me and taught me to be ashamed of myself which led to bad social relations later, which i’m only now breaking out of
-confiscation and lack of trust
always taking my stuff so i can’t rely on what they’ll black mail me with, no “excuse” is valid to keep it (ex. I want to communicate w/friends or I LITERALLY HAVE INSOMNIA AND CAN’T SLEEP WITHOUT LISTENING TO MUSIC); during my worst days, when I was really suicidal i remember not having my phone for a long time which led to me being left behind and further isolating myself which, y’know spiralled
I can go on and on about how they never value my voice but i’m sort of running out of steam
they also never trust my statements, always cast me as the cause-r of something (luckily they’re fair and don’t punish me for it if I insist I didn’t do it, but the fact i have to really advocate for my innocence and am constantly suspected just is not great, and even jokingly, i hate attention, their attention)
There’s more but i think i’m done for now
-constantly bother me (i know this is nitpicking, i’m just trying to get everything out, and some of these have more layers than i’m willing to express)
intentionally sabotaging
even if i ask them to go away
try to annoy me when ever i see them, even if i’ve asked them not too, and really make me avoid everything even more (you have to go through where they usually are to get out and that means y’know what)
singing
yelling and stepping loudly (which makes me scared my dad is mad all the time)
always teasing and judging
-mother dearest
very aggressive
VERY controlling
generally boring
always invades privacy, more of a nosy person, but, in a way, better than dad
she can get violent too and screams but it’s less often but can get very intense sometimes, generally it’s more of taking away my stuff and telling me to give up (which, the telling me to give up, my dad does too)
-lack of independence
THIS ONE IS HUGE. my parents are very controlling and so even a little freedom excites me and they use my lack of experience as a sword against me, and that makes it eve harder for me to do anything when I’m constantly fighting restrictions and my brains can’t distinguish bad restrictions from schoolwork restrictions
-shitty world view
just a bad biased view of the world, i really don’t want to elaborate, beyond the general sense they deserve to be respected for being parents a conservative-type view, also don’t have basic sense of morality, as in sympathy, for everyone, and instead do the whole us|them thing with their politics, the only problem is that we’re immigrants which is why they vote democrat
-grandparents
are visiting, they are also unhygienic, to always be obeyed, generally judgemental, and intentionally old, and taking up both of my rooms, overall i don’t like any of them, my father’s mom is alright though
-generally shaming me
And otherwise everything is generally going to shit, my social life (though I saved it somewhat for ONE person), my mental/emotional health, my exercise, motivation for anything, just the way the house is set up, my grandparents are here, how i’m doing in school.
I should write the thesis and really flesh this out well but I’ll tell you what: ultimately my parents are selfish people who don’t consider me my own entity but more as themselves and my achievements combined. ANd even if you love me, which I don’t doubt, I don’t have to love you back, and that doesn’t excuse your shittiness, dad. I fucking hate you. (yes. i’m grateful for the money, house, generally not obviously abusive childhood, food, stuff, bed, phone, etc. you have provided, but that doesn’t cancel out your misdeeds, it just coexists next to it)
Like is it SO bad for me to blame SOME of my issues with them? BUT NO if I ever bring up how they did x so i did y. I did y ON PURPOSE to UPSET THEM and i can’t hold them accountable, i’m just blaming them, even if I’m genuinely trying to explain my issues the way I understand them.
idr if you can edit tumblr documents, and even if you can, i’m not going to, i’ll just add to this with comments, to preserve the integrity, not that anyone will or should read this, but i’ll probably come back to it
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everyday i wake up and you still havent posted your evermore rant </3
there u go boo 👩❤️💋👩👩❤️💋👩👩❤️💋👩
GDBDNSKDJHHDDNDS GIRL................ ok so i very cleverly avoided ranking folklore because every song REALLY HIT and the whole album was just SO.. SO.. yeah. i can however rank miss evermore. i dont want to compare the two album i do not get the point in that. both give off really different vibes. now what i will say is with folklore, AS AN ALBUM, it is just a master masterpiece. The songs flowed amazingly with each other and really held you close the entire first listen. at least thats what I felt like <3 with evermore however, the individual songs are OMG!!! THERE IS LITERALLY NO SONG I DONT LIKE FROM ANY OF THE TWO ALBUMS. but as an album on the first listen i did feel a bit disconnected from evermore which didnt happen to me with folklore. why i think that might’ve happened is BECAUSE taylor is just so brilliant m8.... the MASSIVE contrasting emotions between the songs was too much for my little brain to handle.
Ok so now that’s out of the way dhsjsk time for rankings :) i have no idea where im going to put each song im just going to make it up as we go <3 ill ALSO give you my fave lyrics from each if I remember it <333 (oh and also you’ll notice marjorie isnt here. im sorry but i never listened to it after the first listen because it hits a little too close to home and i dont want to unpack all of that now im sorry! it is a beautiful song)
14. Closure: she popped off <3 she really said dont treat me like a situation that needs to be handled 💃🤙💯 a beautiful song with beautiful lyrics HOWEVER its the first song i couldnt connect with thus it’s down here BUT I STILL WOULD LISTEN TO IT ON REPEAT THO... the last in my ranking but still fucks 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️ thats taylor swift 👩❤️💋👩
13. long story short: i have never been in a relationship ever BUT GODDAMN ‘pushed from the precipice, clung to the nearest lips’ hdjsksksjjddjnBbdns jddd ubebs!:!?:?:$3&39383$hzjs WOAH.... and this bitch really summarized the full 2016 drama with long story short it was a bad time. HILARITY. yeah not much to say here tho this is just the ‘at least one mandatory song to shake your tits to on each ts album’ song of evermore <3 and always remember that if the shoe fits walk in it TILL YOUR HIGH HEELS BREAK WOOH ANDIFELLDOWNTHEPEDESTALRIGHTDOWNTHERA—
12: dorothea: making a lark of misery :D RENt free. i had to listen to ‘if youre tired of being known for who you know you know youll always know me’ 113 times to finally understand it tho 😐 some of us are stupid and illiterate have you ever thought about that miss swift???? anyways TINGTINGTINGINGINGING THE STARS IN YOUR EYES SHINED BRIGHTER IN TUPELO <33333 such an innocent feel good song I LOVE!!!!!
11. ivy: the goddamn here and the hush of mirrorball ARE THE REASON IM STILL ALIVE 😽 another lyrical masterclass <3 ‘id live and die for moments that we stole on begged and borrowed time’ IS2G!!!!!!!!!!! anyways what if you cheated on your husband with me and i cheated on my husband with you and my pain fit in the palm of your freezing hands 😳 JK JK 😅 unless...... 🤪😏 hdjsks yeah this song is magnificently cursed and i am in love with it 🧎♀️
10. tis the damn season: this song is august but the other side of the coin. august but four months later. AUGUST SLIPPED AWAY LIKE A BOTTLE OF WINE- THE HOLIDAYS LINGER LIKE A BAD PERFUMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... she sounds so pretty goshhh! ‘time flies messy as the mud on your truck tires NOW IM MISSING YOUR SMILE hear me out we could just ride around and the road not taken looks real good now’ is on repeat in my mind. and as always the bridge ::::::::::::::.............:::::::::::::: how does she do this everytime. ‘and wonder about the only soul who can tell which smiles im faking’ 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️ after every ts song i listen my expectations about true love grows exponentially and my chances of finding true love falls exponentially simultaneously ADIEU.
9. willow: she really took the invisible string quartet and put it in huh..................... FUCKED IN THE HEADDDDDDDDDDDDDD. what can i say <3 its just such a pretty song <3 hashtag gorgeous hashtag i cant say anything to its face. WRECK MY PLANS!!!!!! WRECK IT BITCH!!! ‘wait for the signal and ill meet you after dark’ LOVE STORY WHIPLASH. also mate i cant even focus on the song she looks SO GOOD in the music video i—
8. happiness: !!!! what can i say.... one of the best songs of the album hands down. lyrical masterpiece AND musically rich. she really logged into tumblr dot com and typed out ‘THERE’LL BE HAPPINESS AFTER YOU’ AND ‘THERE WAS HAPPINESS BECAUSE OF YOU’ ARE IDEAS THAT CAN COEXIST and logged off...... h8 her and her insanity. the one word i have to describe this song is: picturesque. tis a picturesque song <3 oh and dfbhhffcbhDDVHHTRSDVJK when i heard ‘i hope she’ll be a beautiful fool who takes my spot next to you’ i audibly GASPED and then she says ‘no i didnt mean that sorry i cant see facts through all of my fury’................. i fell out of my chair. IT FELT LIKE AS IF SHE HEARD MY GASP AND TOLD ME SPECIFICALLY THAT NO SHE DIDNT MEAN IT LIKE THAT... anyways yeah. ill write an article one day named THE SWIFT DECEPTION OF TAYLOR about how she keeps writing songs with deceptive titles and this will be the opening case 😈🤙 also the fact that this is one of my faves and i put it in number 8 says a lot......
7. evermore: i havent recovered from ‘motion capture. put me in a bad light’. i mean come on the whole goddamn song is a lyrical masterpiece. ‘writing letters addressed to the fire’. IS SHE OK!????????????? i think tf not. beautiful song beautiful arrangement. iver sounded really good too. and lol lol rofl WOOFWOOFbarkbark ‘HEY DECEMBER GUESS IM FEELING UNMOORED’ unmoored definition from google dot com: no longer attached. she doesn’t go back to december anymore. about2 faint oml. long story short: i did not survive. THIS PAIN WOULD BE FOR EVERMORE........ what i felt with this song is that she took the quarantine sadness we all felt at least once this year and made it into a masterpiece of a song. couldve been easily the top song on any album except this. no i will not elaborate <3
6. no body no crime: i cannot believe. she teased us with a musical number. this woman teased us with. a musical number. I THINK SHE IS WRITING A MUSICAL BUT I JUST CANT PROVE IT! when she wins that tony 16 years later call me prophetic xoxo. anyways yeah she literally wrote this to flex her storytelling abilities. send tweet 🐥
5. cowboy like me: YEEEHAWWW I’LL BE HONEST WITH YOU I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FULL SONG SOUNDS LIKE I JUST HAVE THE BRIDGE ON REPEAT!!!! OMFG!!! the skeletons in both our closets plotted hard to fuck this up. AAAA!! ??? STFU. IM NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT THE LYRICS MATE THE WAY ITS SUNG!!!!!!! GUT WRENCHING! the best bridge she has ever written musically. i cant stop listening to it. REALLYYY DID BELIEEEVE I WAS THE ONEEE. STORIESSS ABOUT WHEEEN YOU PASSSEDDD THROUGHH TOWN. y e l l. and then she hits me with ‘now you hang from my lips like the gardens of babylon.’ L ???? M !!!!! A $$$$$ O “”””” i had to pause it and sit there for 10 minutes to take in what i had just heard. case closed critical hit sustained yeedhawd.
4. tolerate it: i cried. the only reason it’s not 1 is because it hurt me too much. WHAT THE FUCK YOU MF YOU ASSUME IM FINE BUT WYD IF I BREAK FREE AND LEAVE US IN THE RUINS???? TOOK THIS DAGGER IN ME AND REMOV— m8 this physically hurts me everytime. if its all in my head TELL ME RN. aghhh aRghhhhhhh. pain. and lol she broke down sleep to its bare essentials ‘breathing with your eyes closed’.
3. ??? coney island: i know it’s a bit of a controversial top three but WHO CARES 🕴this is solely here for ‘AND IM SITTING ON A BENCH IN CONEY ISLAND wondering where did my BABYy GO’ im shaking. my bed is shaking. my body is shaking. my pupils are shaking. THE WAY SHE SINGS IT OH MY GOODNESS ME i have to lie down gimme a sec. ‘and if this is the long haul howd we get here so soon 😟’ SCREAM. and when i was hearing it for the first time and she said ‘sorry for not making you my centerfold’ i was like yeah and?? so what?? and then she hits me with ‘over and over’...... so she didnt make him/her/them her centerfold over and over !!!!!!! she is sorry she didnt do it over and over!!!!!! mannn.... the chorus.. i shall not speak. i am held at gunpoint i CANNOT SPEAK. the bridge tho dhdnsksksjsb I CAN SPEAK AND I SHALL SPEAK. BITCH WENT OFFFFFFFF. <3 this is the apology she deserved from her exes which she never got so she wrote it herself. podium. grey skies. birthday cake. ACCIDENT. im laughingggggggggggg <///3 and yeah so overall it is a really yummy song with yummy vocals and yummy arrangement 9/10 would recommend. also!! life lessons kids life lessons. disappointments? SIMPLY CLOSE YOUR EYES AND PRETEND YOU DO NOT SEE IT YAAAAAAAAAS
2. gold rush: ETHEREAL!!!!!! The last time i felt like this™️ whilst listening to a song was with mirrorball <3 the production of this song omg omg omg LOVE 💃 but what propelled it to number two status was the ‘i dont like slow motion double vision in ROSE BLUSH/ i dont like that falling feels like flying till the BONE CRUSH’ imagine how fucked in the head a person needs to be to rhyme rose blush with bone crush. yeah i have nothing more to say really this song is extremely gorgeous and ‘eyes like sinking ships on water so inviting i almost jumped in’ / ‘walk past quick brush’ ?:!:!&:8483 F A V E <33333 and the transition transmission transfusion from ‘... gray old tea cuz itll never be ᵍˡᵉᵃᵃᵃᵃᵐⁱⁿᵍ ᵗʷⁱⁿᵏˡⁱⁿᵍᵍᵍᵍ’ MADAME
1. champagne problems: are we surprised? ARE WE REALLY SURPRISED? when listening to new albums i normally listen to it at one go in order. i stick to that rule. HOWEVER after many years of my solid album listening self made rule tm i finally broke and immediately replayed this mf song after listening to it once. ‘you had a speech, youre speechless/ love slipped beyond your reaches’???? stfu???? VILE. PUNISHABLE. DEROGATORY. and welp the entire bridge ...... .... ........... what can i say. And the parallels to miss all too well??? WHAT WAS THE REASON???? your SISTER splashed out on the bottle- left my scarf there at your SISTER’s house 😐 she’ll patch up your tapestry that i SHRED- maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you TORE it all up 😐 your MOM’s ring in your pocket- your MOTHER’s telling stories bout you on the tee ball team 😐 November flush and your FLANNEL cure- PLAID shirt days and nights when you made me your own 😐 wHAT A SHAME SHE IS FUCKED IN THE HEAD IS2G........... and also why would she not rhyme POCKET with LOCKET?????? why with wallet???????????? slant rhyme why????????????? AND THE NOTE THIS MF SONG ENDS ON..... FUCKED IN THE HEAD
THATS IT. i really sat here and did this for the past 2 hours huh...... hhdjsms anyways LONG STORY SHORT: I HATE ONE INSANE WOMAN AND HER NAME IS TAYLOR ALISON SWIFT. GODSPEEED 🏃♀️
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Your name, please?
Robyn.
Are you heartbroken right now?
No, my heart’s doing okay.
If so, how long have you been heartbroken?
Do you like the area you live in?
I like that it’s a lot quieter than the metro, but we get everything we could also get in the city nonetheless. Right now it’s just a little unsettling since the Taal Volcano erupted and we have ashfall land all over our house, but otherwise where we live is pretty decent and uneventful for the most part.
Do you ever get complimented on your eyes? What color are they?
It’s not my strongest feature so no, not really. They’re dark brown/almost black.
What facial feature do you like the best on a person?
Everyone has their different strong suits, so.
Do you like to be called baby?
Only by my parents and my girlfriend, because otherwise that would be creepy.
What is your favorite flower?
I like roses, sunflowers, and peonies. Idk, my answers to this question changes every time so it’s safe to say they’re only my favorites today.
When did you last use the restroom?
Five minutes ago. I went before starting this.
How long is your hair?
Pretty long. I haven’t had it cut since late in 2018; if I throw my head slightly back it already reaches my hips. I plan to keep it long until my graduation shoot, so I won’t be going to the salon for at least another month.
Do you have braces?
I used to.
Do you have any freckles?
Nope.
What is your favorite Internet meme?
There was a local meme going around last week and it involved people making hilarious puns out of celebrity names and pairing them with Photoshopped pictures of the celebrities to match the pun – for example, a local celeb named Rico Blanco was styled as Rico Blanket and a photo of him was shopped so that he’s in bed wrapped in a blanket :(((( OK IT DOESN’T SOUND FUNNY RN but all the entries were hilarioussssss I swear. Unfortunately everyone hopped on the meme train and it died in like a week.
How many windows does your room have?
Two big windows but each have four tiny window panes in them that can be opened.
Do you have a rug in your room? What color is it?
No. My dog likes peeing on rugs so we don’t like having them laying around.
What is the weirdest animal you've ever held?
I don’t think any animal is weird... but the coolest ones I’ve ever held are a snake, an eagle, a sea turtle, and a crocodile. The first three I got to meet in Bali, and the crocodile was from Palawan.
Do you get extremely hyper when under the influence of sugar?
No. I never really believed in that either.
What about caffeine?
I get pretty talkative, yes. I also talk like I have built-in exclamation points lol.
Have you ever tried any drugs? If so, did you regret it?
No, I haven’t.
Do you have any pregnant friends?
None of my friends are, but I can never be sure anymore when it comes to people I know. I always say no to this question, then sooner or later someone I know gives birth kfdgkdjfhd like a classmate from high school just had her third kid and no one even had any idea she was pregnant again. Guess I’ll just keep answering this question with a shrug.
Have you seen anyone lately that you knew but didn't remember from where?
Yeah, this was me for a few seconds when I arrived in my history class for our first day last Friday and I saw several people that I knew I know, but I had to recollect my thoughts. I eventually remembered who they were, but for a few seconds I was stumped.
When was the last time you toilet papered or egged someones house?
I’ve never done this, because you don’t do this in the Philippines.
Do you usually dress up for Halloween?
Some years I would.
When ordering food, what do you usually get as a drink?
I always get ala carte because I only drink water (I get full quicker if I have any other drink), and service water is always there.
Put your favorite color and favorite animal. EX: Silver walrus
Pink dog.
When drawing something, do you try to be super precise or do you not care?
I don’t care for drawing and am aware of just how bad I am at it, so I barely make any effort when I have to.
When was the last time you snapped at someone?
Sunday morning. My mom was playing a mobile game where the character will only be able to move if you scream, so she was screaming her ass off at 7 AM and I was worried it would wake the neighbors up.
Does it bug you when people clap with their palms?
HAHAHAHAHA like Nicole Kidman? Oh man. I’ve never actually seen someone clap the way she did in real life, so I don’t know if it would bug me. I know it’d send me laughing, though.
Have you hugged anyone today?
Just my dog. Classes have been suspended because of the Taal erupting, so I’m not seeing anyone else today.
How many languages do you know how to say 'happy birthday' in?
Filipino, English, Spanish, French, and Korean, so make that five.
What language would you like to learn that you don't already know?
Korean, just because I watch so many Korean shows as it is lmao.
Are you able to take this language at your school?
Yes, but it’s not required in my curriculum so I’ve never taken a Korean language elective.
Have you ever been into a bar?
Yes, I’ve always preferred bars to clubs so I’ve gone to a lot of them.
What ethnicity are you?
Broadly, Austronesian. But specifically, I’m Filipino, and even more specifically, Tagalog.
How much makeup do you wear?
None. I usually wear makeup only for special events, or if I absolutely had to, like for my graduation shoot.
If you could fly, what kind of wings would you have?
I’d like pink sparkly ones please hahahaha.
Write some lyrics from the song stuck in your head right now.
Nothing’s playing in my head at the moment.
Do you like that song?
Would you describe yourself as 'fiesty'?
You mean feisty? I can bring out that side of me if I have to, but I’m not naturally it.
How corny is High School Musical in your opinion?
Pretty fucking corny. But I love the series and it’ll always be an important part of my childhood, so I’m never going to hate it.
Have you actually read Twilight?
Yes. I don’t know how I started getting into it though; I just remember it became insanely popular in the fourth grade and all of a sudden I wanted the Twilight boxed set for Christmas.
What about Harry Potter?
Yes, I read most of the books. My sister got into HP when she was aroundddd 10-11ish and my parents also got her a boxed set, so I borrowed each book after she finished them.
Out of the two, which is better?
Twilight.
Name a member of the Beatles!
Ringo Starr.
Who was the name of your first crush?
My first real crush was Andi.
How long ago was that?
Eleven years ago.
Do you still know that person?
She migrated to New Zealand nine years ago, so we got disconnected for a long time and that’s when we got cut off. We’re Facebook friends now, but it’s never been the same. Happy for her, though.
Can you handle your emotions very well?
Usually I can, but when I’m at my breaking point then I’m at my breaking point.
How often do you read books?
Once every five years :(( JK uhhhhh I read loads, just not from books, and particularly not anything fictional.
Are you the jealous type?
I can be when there’s reason to, yep.
Are you the type of person who gets jealous of people's pasts?
No. And usually people regret their past, so I don’t feel jealous about that.
Have you ever gotten an ear infection from riding an airplane?
No. My ears were incredibly uncomfortable during my first plane ride though, and it didn’t help that I was already panicking long before the flight started. Anyway, my ears never fully ~popped and I was like 80% deaf for the entire plane ride.
When was the last time you witnessed someone throw up?
The last time someone threw up, it was me lol. But if we’re gonna be strict about the question, it wassssss last April I think.
When was the last time YOU threw up?
Sometime around May last year.
Do you know anyone who faints at the sight of blood?
ME. I’m anyone who faints at the sight of blood. Maybe not literally faint but I do feel super nauseous and weak and dizzy and I’d sometimes gag too.
Hmm. I wonder how those girls have their period.
Yeah well it’s not a very fun 3-4 days for me, my dude.
Don't you just love the Cottonelle puppy?
I don’t know what that is.
Can you do any 'magic' tricks?
No.
Do you know how to play Checkers?
I used to as a kid, because we used to have lots of board games. But since it was the game we barely ever played, I eventually forgot the rules.
What clubs are you in at school?
I’m in one of the two journalism organizations, and I also joined the graduation committee this year so that I get to contribute something for our batch :)
What do you fear most in this world?
Either falling from a very high place or drowning. And injections.
What do your siblings fear most in this world?
I know my sister is afraid of big crowds, chaotic situations, and small spaces. I don’t know what my brother fears, nor do I really care.
What was the last sentence you heard anyone say?
I’m listening to a mukbang ASMR right now and the last thing the girl said was her basically describing what she’s about to eat.
Is Taylor more of a boy's name or a girl's name?
I know we’re not supposed to care about this anymore, but if I really had to think about this question I see it as a boy’s name. But I also see that it works on girls just as nicely, so.
What about Dylan?
Boy’s name. But it sounds so badass on girls, and I prefer it as a girl’s name.
What colors are the eyes of your family members?
Dark brown/black. Filipinos all look the same, dude.
Are you related to anyone with red hair?
No.
Do you know anyone with super super green eyes?
Other than celebrities, no.
What color was your hair when you were little?
It has always been black.
What color is it now?
^
Were you a chubby baby?
I was a pretty chubby young kid especially from the ages of 3-5, but I was an okay-sized baby/toddler. I’d be surprised if I was chubby considering my mom and dad are both slim.
What is your favorite mythical creature?
Not a fan of those.
Do you know anyone with a mullet?
No, I don’t think so.
Put down a random word here.
Watermelon.
What is your favorite fruit?
Avocado.
Now what is your favorite flavor of lollipop?
Chocolate.
If you combine your 2 above answers and make a perfume would it smell good?
Probably not. They’re so different.
Do you always feel like you have to be the best?
Yes. That’s why I always take it hard when I end up not being that.
Are you looking forward to summer?
Yes, because I’ll get to rest. No, because it will be my last summer until I die.
Are you wearing socks right now or are you barefoot?
I’m barefoot. Socks always feels like they’re there, and I don’t like that feeling.
What's on your favorite necklace?
I’m not regularly wearing any necklace these days.
How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
Around seven, which is okay for me.
Which is better: gingerbread or butterscotch?
Caramel or peanut butter?
Nutella or chocolate?
Do you own an iPad?
We own a family iPad, but no one’s used it in a while. I was the one who used it last as a means to work and communicate, back when I broke my phone and didn’t have a new laptop yet in my first year of college. I honestly hope that iPad never dies on us, since there’s a load of great memories there.
Do you watch Glee?
No and as someone who hates song covers, I think I’m better off not watching it skksjfdhgfg.
How hard is it for you to get out of bed in the morning?
When that day would require me to do something I dread, like attend a class I hate, it will be a lot harder for me to get up. But generally I’m pretty okay, as long as I set my alarm 30 minutes to an hour before I actually have to get up so that I have enough time to properly wake up.
How many books are in the current room you're in?
I’m in the dining room so there are zero books around.
Have you ever witnessed an aircraft break the sound barrier?
No. I also never really knew what that means, but I know I’ve never seen that.
Do you keep a sketchpad in your room?
I don’t draw, so I never needed one.
Is there anything you do right before you go to sleep?
Put water on my dog’s bowl – he likes drinking before we doze off.
What color is your favorite purse?
I only use one and it’s pink.
How much money is currently in your wallet?
₱2,000.
Do you get an allowance?
Yes.
How many songs are on your iPod?
Don’t use an iPod these days.
Do you usually have sweet dreams or nightmares?
My dreams are either weird or nightmares. I never get any sweet ones.
How has the weather been lately?
It’s a little gloomy and cloudy. I don’t know if it’s an effect of the volcano eruption nearby, or if the weather is just like this.
When was the last earthquake you felt?
It was either August or September.
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Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona nother thought i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough
and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge. shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love. i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina therap y session but it dosnt happne.
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I wrote a thing and I was wondering if you would read it? It's a bubbline fic. It's called i could live without you (just don't want to) If you left a comment on what you thought I would greatly appreciate it. (Also apparently you can't post links in asks!? Who the heck thought of that?)
would you believe ao3 had the AUDACITY to tell me my comment was too long? outrageous. check below the cut.
It’s a little awkward to have Bonnie’s hand actually hit Marceline’s chest. Stand in front of your door and open it. Picture where the person on the other side is. There’s more space there than could be comfortably crossed by a casual arm swing from knocking. She would’ve struck air.
Set the scene more clearly. Has Bonnie ever been to this house before? It seems like she hasn’t but the reader doesn’t know that. We have no idea the pre-established relationship (whatever that is) between them either, so we don’t know if it’s even reasonable to expect that Bonnie has been here before. The lack of context also raises questions about the stuttering, especially since Marceline uses a nickname quite easily right at the start. Basically what I’m getting at here is that there’s a disconnect between how familiar they’re being with each other; Marceline is being real casual/familiar but Bonnie seems to be treating this like they’re strangers (or the next thing to it). Shoot for a little more consistency.
Following on from this point: the house is lovely? We have to take Bonnie’s word for it. You don’t have to go into any great amount of detail, just give us the top three things that make it lovely (well-lit, classy decorations, homey, photos on the walls, colour scheme, tidy - just a few ideas, fill it in how you think lovely looks!). Also not expecting you to have a floor plan (unless this is a longfic in the making and we’ll be spending a lot of time here, then yeah make a floorplan for your reference and consistency), but in your head you should know where things are and where the characters are going. So where’s this hallway in relation to where we started? Did we go through any rooms? Are there doors? What the heck is this rope??? Explain (from Bonnie’s POV) as she tries to figure out what’s going on before it happens, our brains work quickly, try and throw some of that in there.
Be careful using traits/descriptors in place of names as well. It can be useful when the character is a stranger (referring to them as ‘the tall guy’ or whatever if it’s a defining trait) but we know who these two are, use their names. Or pronouns. I find the best way to use pronouns in place of names is that the last character who’s name was used gets the following pronoun.
Description of the bedroom is pretty good, we have no guidelines to go by though; is this like the rest of the house? How tall is the house? Were the on the bottom floor and the attic is the only other floor? Or did they go up stairs? How on EARTH did a piano get up there? Strange items? Those seem like a focus point; take Bonnie’s personality into account: she’s the sort of curious where she sticks her nose where it shouldn’t be regardless of consequences. Plus ‘strange’ is the sort of word that readers will expect exploration for. Be careful of wording; Bonnie’s not analysing this, just taking it in. If you want her to be analysing, give us some more thought processes. What does she think of these things, is there anything in particular drawing her attention, is she uncomfortable and why, etc.
This is the first mention of them being in school together? There’s a basement? Definitely work on figuring out how all the rooms fit together.
Coming back to my point about setting your scene rn bc Bonnie has a crush? We are just learning this. Also why is Marceline tickling her? That’s VERY comfortable. I feel like we defs need some more details about their relationship as it stands. Especially now that Bonnie is using a nickname.
Careful with transitions. Felt like a whirlwind of situation changes happened right there between Bonnie lying down, Marceline leaving (??? not good host etiquette), Marceline coming back, the tickling??? and then the alcohol announcement. There’s very little to help with those transitions or explain any reasoning behind them.
(This is probably as good a time as any to just ask you to be careful with your speech tags and punctuation. Is Bonnie giggling the ‘stop’ or is she saying that around giggles or is she saying that and THEN giggling? Please don’t overuse smirk. It’s a great word for a sassbox like Marceline but too much smirking and it just becomes the smile of a shit-stirrer.)
Again: transitions. Marceline is pouting now. Describe it. Is this different? Has she got a reputation for being the sort of person who’s pouts folks can’t say no to? If not consider how that factors in. Please also ask where Marceline got the alcohol, why she’s drinking it, how old they are, why Bonnie is making this exception, Marceline’s motives behind sharing it (is it bc she wants to look cool? Does she understand what sorts of things Bonnie thinks are cool?). Also ask what YOUR motive is for the alcohol. Is it just to lower inhibitions and get them to talk more freely than they usually would? If that’s the case, reevaluate your use of it. It should serve a purpose for the characters as well as for you. (Pet peeve: this is an especially tricky situation for other reasons: they’re underage and consent. It’s brought up heaps in other fics, I know, but it’s worth considering anyway.)
Tie your references to blushing into what else is going on at the time. Otherwise they feel disjointed; like things you’re just reciting. Don’t give us facts! Give us emotion!
Check your tenses. By which I mean just make sure you’re not switching between past and present tense accidentally when referring to multiple actions in a single sentence. (Should be ‘plopped’.) “Shook her head yes” - check that, should be nods I think, yes? Yeah just some grammar issues here and there, a few missing words and tense mix ups, punctuation problems, capitalisation. Nothing major (we all do it) just make sure you check for them.
Use of omniscient narrator for the briefest of seconds. I get that you’re trying to convey to the reader that Marceline has a crush too, but Bonnie has thus far been your sole narrator so if she can’t hear something we shouldn’t either. Alternatively, grab a Virginia Woolf novel and welcome to the omniscient narrator club!
New speaker = new paragraph. But same speaker = same paragraph. You’ve split up some of Marceline’s dialogue into two paragraphs which can be confusing. Marceline is playing music she wrote? Why? Is she shy about this? Does she do it often? Again, is it bc she’s trying to impress? Is it bc she’s going on drunk?
Marceline is getting her way a lot. We, the reader, know why. Consider from their perspective though: does Marceline know why? Does she suspect? Does she feel guilty for pressuring Bonnie? How does Bonnie feel about it? Growing frustration? A little bit of that patented Hopeless Gay™?
Why the boredom? If this was a planned get together why did neither of them think about what they were gonna do? Bonnie especially would be the type to have a plan. She probably googled ‘platonically hanging out with your crush’ to see what came up lol.
The innuendo at the end feels a bit rushed, too. But that could just be bc we haven’t seen any of the build up to this. Have they been pining for several years (unlikely if they’re in high school)? Is it the alcohol talking? Is Marceline joking? How can we tell? Is she phrasing it like that just to get a rise out of Bonnie? What does she think NOT getting that rise out of Bonnie?
Anyway that was a lot of rambling I’m very sorry. Overall a good tight storyline, it starts, it builds and it concludes satisfactorily. You just need to practice writing as a thought-process sorta thing, I’m not sure how to explain it better than as a connecting of ideas together. I mean I won’t claim to be great at that sometimes I force a situation to get to where I wanna go (sometimes you have to), but yeah just check in with your characters, plan things out (doesn’t have to be a huge spread out thing, just make a few notes about where things are) and ask questions! To question your story and motives can only make it better! It’s all that background stuff that the reader doesn’t see that makes up this underlying network of ideas, concepts, actions and characterisation that really holds up the plot and keeps shit consistent!
And that is… all the advice I’ve got! Sorry if any of it came out sounding a lil brusque it’s been a loooooong day u.u
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