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#even my perfect grades have ceased to redeem me in my mother's eyes nothing will ever be enough for her ever again
traumacure · 3 years
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i hate when people ask me to do something difficult or make some major change in my life and i'm like "i'll try my best" and they're like "NO. you won't TRY, you WILL DO IT." it's like??? okay yeah thanks for telling me failure is unacceptable even if i try my best and give it my all, thanks for letting me know my efforts don't matter if i can't fulfill your expectations, thanks for informing me that my very best isn't enough actually if i still can't do whatever it is you want me to do 🙃 that's totally not just gonna stress me out and put me under a ton of unnecessary pressure that feeds my destructively unreasonable pursuit of perfection
#why does my mom always have to do this shit like??#this is why i had a full on crying screaming breakdown banging my fists until they were bruised when i first failed my driver's test#the proctor hadn't even left the car yet she was just trying to give me my results and she just ran out bc she was scared of my tantrum#normally i can keep it together in public but i couldn't i just couldn't handle that failure it was too much for me#it wasn't just that i failed it was also that my parents tried to force me to get my license early#by making it clear they found having to drive me a burden and inconvenience that they were unwilling to do any more than necessary#they'd even forget to pick me up from school some days and i'd wait hours bc they couldn't even be bothered to do the bare minimum for me#i felt like such a pathetic disappointment and a let-down and a failure in that moment bc everyone's always expected perfection from me#i felt like such a burden all because my efforts have never mattered only the results i get so if i get bad results it's all worthless#when i crashed the car i couldn't come home for days because i couldn't take it i couldn't face them i knew they would see me as a failure#my precious 4.0 GPA is just an apology for what a worthless child i am in every other respect and it's not even enough anymore#even my perfect grades have ceased to redeem me in my mother's eyes nothing will ever be enough for her ever again#back when i was still enrolled i can't believe she had the audacity to get mad at me for not taking care of myself#when the reason i was neglecting myself so much in the first place was because of the pressure she put on me to always excel in school#it's just. nothing i do will ever be enough it's pathetic i'm so scared of losing my 4.0 because even if it's not enough it's all i have#it's my only claim to worth and i hate it i don't even like school i'm just doing it bc it's the only thing i'm any good at#and i'm not even doing it right now i'm taking a break bc online school was so bad for my mental health#but without school i feel even more worthless than ever i feel like such a failure every moment i'm not enrolled#and my mom just reinforces that feeling every day i know she thinks i'm a good for nothing fuck up now i know she does#why can't she just love me and take care of me like i'm actually her child and not just an investment that isn't paying off how she hoped#i need to be treated gently and given help right now but she just wants me to become more self-sufficient than ever bc i'm an ''adult''#it hurts it hurts it really does even my straight A's couldn't make me less of a fuck up#i feel so hopeless sometimes i don't know if i'll even be able to survive much less achieve anything i want in life#i'm so scared of dying as the same worthless fuck up i've always been#vent#🩹#❌#🚬#✈#💙.txt
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