#eunbin messy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

maplecornia · 1 year

Text

chapter 60

infinite stars masterlist | BTS masterlist | masterlist | playlist

𝔴𝔬𝔯𝔡 𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱: 3.33K

𝔭𝔞𝔦𝔯𝔦𝔫𝔤: bts x female!reader

𝔤𝔢𝔫𝔯𝔢: romance | slice of life | fluff | angst

𝔰𝔲𝔪𝔪𝔞𝔯𝔶: is this the beginning of our end?

"What did you do?!"

Jimin winces at the shout that blares in his ear and pulls his phone away from where it was resting delicately on his cheek.

"I don't have time for this Yen." He sighs as he steps out of the car, the house before him looming like a bad dream.

"No, don't you dare hang up on me, Park Jimin. Don't you even think for one second you have room to do that right now."

Jimin can almost feel it as her voice trembles through the phone, and something about it, the way it seems as though the very fiber in her soul will break, makes Jimin stop. In a way, he knows that he wants to hang up because he knows what Yen will say, and he doesn't want to hear it. He can't stand to hear it because if he does then that would mean this is all the two of them would ever be. That this was all they were meant to be from the first time he ever laid eyes on Jocelynn.

"You need to fix this, I don't care how, but you need to set things right now."

And he can't stand that thought.

That all he was meant to do was hurt her.

"I know."

"Do you?" And Jimin knows her feeling, the feeling of fear. Maybe not to the same extent, maybe not even to the same understanding, but he knows.

And he knows why she is so afraid.

"You forget that she's not like you, she doesn't have the protection you have or the influence. She's in more danger than any of us now."

Jimin swallows hard at her insinuation, and he doesn't have to tell her for Yen to know that he already knew this danger was looming. Hanging over their heads like an incessant reaper meant only to cause fear and death wherever they may wander.

If she meant to make him feel guilty, she didn't need to try as hard. After all, a part of him has always felt guilty ever since he first met Jocelynn. After all, he did almost run her over, so it wasn't exactly a clean relationship from the start. It was confusing, messy, and unclear. But he couldn't let go of her, no matter how many times she tried to push him away, how many times he was warned of the consequences. He tried to stay away, he tried to listen to reason, but he couldn't. And that's what makes him feel worse about it all.

"I trusted you to protect her. Don't make me regret it."

The fact that this is all his fault.

And when Yen hangs up, that is the very reason why he finds it so hard to move forward. To knock on that door, and say goodbye to her forever.

He knew what he had to do to protect her, he knew the risks and he knew what position he was putting her in. He knew this was bound to happen sooner or later, and he knows it was all his fault.

But even now, with the entire world holding them in scrutiny, he still doesn't want to let her go. He wants to allow himself to be selfish, for just a little while longer. He wants to give in to that blissful fantasy where they could be happy.

But how long will it take for him to realize that his selfishness will only bring them pain? Indescribable pain that neither of them can escape from no matter how much they may try to hide? He will only continue to hurt her, twist her from the inside out until there is nothing left of the person she once was before. And she will continue to fall deeper and deeper into herself until she has lost sight of what it was she was fighting for, of the reason why she put her very life on the line for an idol who she was too afraid to love.

The question that one would begin to ask is how much pain does it take before you are completely and utterly broken? Past recognition, reconciliation? How long will it take for the two of them to realize that this endeavor was doomed for failure? A tragic love story made only for the pages of a book, and not crafted to last in our reality.

Taking a deep breath Jimin pockets his phone before heading up the stairs and knocking on her door. And when she opens it, and he sees the empty look in her eyes, the pale undertones of her skin, he realizes that he has no right to be selfish anymore. That the limit has finally been reached, and he has pushed them too far past their breaking point.

For if this is what his love has fated them to be, then what was it worth after all?

Looking around nervously, to make sure no one is watching, Jocelynn isn't sure what she should do.

A part of her wants to turn him away. She's lucky her address wasn't leaked but she knows they're bound to turn up soon, asking her questions begging to know the answers. Answers that she does not know, answers that she is afraid to give reasons to. That very same part blames him, despises him, and almost wants to hate him for what his selfishness has done to her. How it has ruined her, all because she fell in love with him.

But that's what stops her.

The fact that she does not hate him.

Not even a little bit, not even at all.

And that's the part of her that waits. That looks at him straight in his eyes, no matter how much she may shake, or how much her will may falter. She forces herself to stand her ground, to show him how hard this is for her. How much she wants to stay, but how much she knows she cannot.

For once, she lets down her walls.

"What are you doing here, Jimin?" Perhaps in another life, a life where she was younger, more willing, less heartbroken, she would have fought for them. She would have given in to the risk sooner and allowed herself to fall into the fairy tale without a thought about the consequences.

But this is not that life, and she is not a young woman anymore. She is battered, broken, and used. She has made her mark, given birth to her children, and watched them forge their paths and pursue their dreams.

And if she stays, she could ruin her daughter. Tarnish her future. That risk, that amount of sacrifice, isn't worth any happiness she could have had with Jimin.

Nothing is worth her daughter's pain, nothing.

"You have to leave, I can't be seen with you."

But before she can turn away, Jimin places his hand on the door, stopping her. She knows he's trying to fight, she knows that's why he showed up today. He may have tried to tell himself to let go, but the both of them know he would never be the one to say goodbye, he can't find it within himself to do so.

Jocelynn has to be the one to push him away.

For good this time.

"You saw, didn't you?"

Jocelynn hesitates, before swallowing hard and nodding. She releases the door, staring up at Jimin and trying her best not to cry. Seeing the pictures there, on the screen for just about anyone to see, she knew what was next. The amount of hate they would get, the amount of resentment they would feel. It didn't matter if it was a rumor, or they didn't know who it was, they would do anything within their power to find out who she is. And once they did, they would tear her apart. Her looks, her background, her relatives...

Yen.

It's scary, you think you're prepared for that, that you know the risk, but you never truly know, not until everything is at the very precipice of breaking. And that is how Jocelynn feels at this moment. As though she is balancing on the edge of a very thin cliff. She wants to get to the other side, but she knows if she keeps going she will fall.

She doesn't want to fall.

Jimin didn't know what he was expecting, but at her confirmation, it feels as though a deep pit in his stomach grows. He never understood how much resentment he could feel toward the fans he was supposed to love. How much he could hate them, wish they would disappear. Even when they would say hurtful things, and cast him aside as though he was nothing, he did everything for them, for their love. He basked in the glory they made him feel when he was on that stage, cried when they cried, and felt what they felt. In a way, it was the most intimate thing he could have ever experienced, and he loved every minute of it. He never wanted to let any of it go.

He would watch as the rest of his members would struggle with it. The constant pressure to live up to their expectations, and how they fell apart when they couldn't. He never understood before how much of a burden ARMY could be.

But now, as he stares into her hollowed-out eyes, notices the dark circles hooding her eyelids. The way she holds herself tightly as though she had been violated, her pursed lips as she tries her best to hold back tears, an almost sickly hue to her cheeks growing with each passing moment...

He finally understands.

"I'm going to fix it, I promise." He reaches forward, taking her hands within hers and she looks down at them intertwined, the lump in her throat turning violently. "Whatever it takes, I'll make things right again."

"How?" At the hoarse whisper Jocelynn gives, not even a sentence, but more of a cry for help, Jimin doesn't say anything.

He can see the answer, the solution already forming in her eyes, an answer he still doesn't want to face, no matter how much he tells himself it's right. And he shakes his head, refusing to look into her eyes, refusing to accept her words, refusing to allow this ending. As though putting it into words would make it real, even if it weren't real already.

"You've known for a while, haven't you?" Jocelynn whispers, smiling bitterly as she watches his finger tightly grip onto her. "That's why you were acting so weird that night. That's why you were trying to say goodbye."

Jimin stays quiet, and Jocelynn takes a deep breath, the tears coming fast, too fast. His denial makes it worse, makes her want to believe that she's wrong, that there's a better way. A way where the two of them could stay by the other's side, where neither of them would have to get hurt.

"Why didn't you say goodbye?"

Maybe that's why she asks the question. Maybe she wants to know if there was anything to lose, if there was anything to hold on to, to prove her wrong after all. Maybe she already knows his answer, maybe she doesn't. Perhaps she's hoping it isn't what she thought. Perhaps she hopes that it would somehow make things easier.

"Because I love you."

But it doesn't make things easier.

Instead, it just makes it harder to let go.

"We both know the situation then, don't we?" Jocelynn's voice shakes, her entire body does as she says the words. She can no longer hold back her tears, she can no longer allow herself to hold onto him for if she does she knows there is no way she would ever allow herself to let go ever again.

She knows that once she does she will have lost the love of her life, a chance for her to gain happiness again, the one light she has seen in her darkness for the longest time will leave her.

But she also knows that she can handle the darkness, it's familiar, and it's safe. What she cannot stand to see is the destruction this would bring him. The destruction that would follow and affect her child. They may tell her it will be fine, that she deserves to be happy, but she knows better.

No amount of happiness could make up for the pain it would inflict.

And she will not make the same mistake again.

"You have to leave."

When Jocelynn pulls her hands out of his grip, and he's left with nothing but the cold, he finds that he's not willing to let her go. He wants the risk, he wants the pain, and he wants to face that destruction if it means he would be by her side. And if that means he'll have to be her shield then so be it. If it means he needs to protect her then he'll do so without hesitation. If he has to give up his world to find this happiness that has eluded him for so long, then he would leave everything behind just to walk hand in hand with her for eternity.

All he needs is for her to give him the chance.

He just wants a chance to take hold of the dream that is her, so he can hold on, not for a little while, but for the rest of their days.

"And what about the way I feel? What about the way you feel?!"

But he is living in a fantasy, and Jocelynn knows how cruel reality is, just as well as she knows he must face it as she has, no matter how much it hurts.

So when Jocelynn turns to him, it is to show him exactly that, that their fantasy cannot exist in this reality. That she cannot discard what is so painfully true. That he has to let her go, that she wants him to let her go.

"It has never mattered how I feel."

Her heart is breaking in two, her tears stain her cheeks like newly fallen snow, her eyes filled with the pain of a million falling stars, and yet she still smiles. A broken smile tears apart Jimin's soul and leaves him helplessly alone.

"My emotions, my choices, they lost meaning as soon as I gave birth to that little girl. As soon as she opened her eyes, my choices were no longer my own. My feelings ceased to matter. Everything from that moment on was for her. Everything I lived for was her happiness. Not mine."

She's already failed Yen once, scarred her with irreversible pain because she was too afraid to stand up for those she loved. Because she was a coward, her daughter was hurt and broken, she cannot ruin her further. She cannot bring her world crashing down for a second time, she will not.

"And whatever this is will be linked to her, will sully her name, will make people hate her for something her mother did. A risk she decided to take with an idol who was her daughter's mentor."

Jimin can feel himself falling apart, and when Jocelynn can see the realization start to break through she can feel herself chipping away slowly. Each word, and each tear just slicing through her heart in a brutal cruel display of pain and heartache.

"And I don't know how this will affect her. Or how she'll react when she hears about it. How the world will react when they hear about it, because they will. They already have."

It's a bitter display, the way fate plays you.

"But they won't hate you. They'll never hate you. They'll hate me because I am the person you should have never fallen for."

The two of them are so desperate for love, for the chance to find security in someone else, so afraid to be alone and yet finding themselves solitude even whilst lying in another's bed. And yet, the first time they find that feeling, the first time they are given a chance to pursue their happiness, the world tells them that it is not enough. That they do not deserve it, that they were doomed from the very first time their hearts became intertwined.

"And because they hate me, they'll hate her too. Even though it is not her fault. Even though she has given everything for their love, they will not care because it would be overshadowed by the fact that I stole you from them."

How hard is it to tear apart something that time itself couldn't have predicted? A love, a bond so strong that runs so true to their veins, that even after every denial, after every obstacle, even as they are saying their goodbyes; refuses to leave? That grows and grows and grows until they know they cannot live without the other, and yet they must find a way to do so.

Because theirs was a love that was never meant to be.

"Because you were a love I was never meant to have."

Hearing the words spoken from her lips, watching as she rips their love apart in agonizing strands of suffering, hurts Jimin more than words can describe. He knows this isn't what she wants, he knows she's falling apart, and yet he also knows this is her mercy. This is her sparing him of a worse heartbreak. For if she's the one to let go, he doesn't have to.

"So, no, Jimin, my feelings do not matter. Which is why it would be pointless to say them now, and which is why this has to end. Whatever it is, it is not worth her pain." And there she goes again, smiling so wretchedly, an abundance of kindness and intangible grief swimming in her gorgeous green eyes. "Nor is it worth yours."

And yet, despite everything she does not regret a second. She is thankful she was able to meet him, thankful he allowed her a chance to experience what happiness could feel like. Even if it was just a fantasy, even if it was never meant to last, she was thankful he came into her life. And if she were to go back, she wouldn't have changed a thing.

"I'm sorry but I think it's best if you leave."

And this time, when Jocelynn closes the door, Jimin doesn't stop her. He can't find it within himself to keep her behind, to plead with her to reconsider, because she was right. He knows she was right.

But he doesn't believe it to be a fantasy, he refuses to think of it as a dream. Because every moment they spent together, each second was real to him. She marked herself on his heart, in a way that she would never leave, no matter how much he may try to erase her.

For the first time, he knows how it feels to be empty and yet full at the same time.

For she is still there, ever-present in his heart, and she will never leave.

And yet, she is not there. And she never will be again.

He will never hold her hand, or feel the warmth of her skin. He will never hear her laugh, never see her smile, and never again feel the rush of adrenaline each time those eyes rested on his. For she left him behind, and there is no salvaging something that has already been lost.

His tears turning his mind numb and cold, he presses his forehead against the wood of her front door, as though a part of her could imprint itself on him so that even as she walks away, he could carry her with him always.

"Why?" he calls out, his tears mangling his voice into a twisted version of torment and woe. "Why did it have to be you?"

chapter 61 here

note :: this chapter emotionally drained me. each time I wrote it I would cry, that's how much it affected me and how much this topic hurts me, especially when i find it so cruel that the world believes idols don't deserve their own happiness.

...and yeah guys the following chapters are worse like way worse so buckle your seatbelts

12 notes · View notes