#essentially and it just made me lose it

[6-2-aestheticsofhate]

i have a lot of thoughts on minos in relation to pasiphae and the minotaur (both greek mythological and in ultrakill) but i dont really want to make a lot of posts abt it considering. the topic is generally hard to talk about.

#like i dont wanna go around claiming that the myth went 1:1 in ultrakills lore #because for example sisyphus was more based off a book rather than his mythology (thank god) #so minos might be only loosely based on his mythological counter part as well #but like. the fact that with the introduction of the minotaur enemy we KNOW the minotaur thing actually happened? jesus fuck #like we KNOW ultrakill minos thinks that the people of lust are only punished for loving eachother.... #while his real life mythological counterpart got mad at his wife for essentially being raped by proxy and she had to defend herself saying #why would she want that. she was cursed/forced to do that because minos didnt sacrifice that bull to poseidon #like i KNOW why that was never really brought up in ultrakill that would be. a weird topic to bring up in a funny robot shooter #and i dont think you could accurately handle the themes of rape through lore books you find in levels of the game #but theres just. something about minos willfully thinking his wife did that of her own accord and him refusing to think about how lust #carries more than people who had sex a lot in ultrakill. #again the myth MAY be different in ultrakill. maybe he never even accused his wife of that. maybe he was more understanding #but theres a non zero chance he did #he could be willfully ignorant and think his wife willingly cheated on him. he thinks everyone in lust is innocent/only had consensual sex #because the alternatives are too gross/immoral for him to think about #it might be because i sympathize a lot with greek mythology women but finding out that the thing with pasiphae happened in ultrakill #DID happen made me lose respect for minos. #... also towards a lot of the fandom for joking abt it. #rape tw

[steveharrington]

god i know this is an unpopular opinion but i wish mike flanagan had just made his stupid show and called it something else. i hate that people associate the haunting of hill house with that show, and i’m not even saying that i think the show is bad. i don’t think it’s poorly made but it’s just not….the haunting of hill house. it rearranges the characters it strips so many of them of their personalities it just fundamentally changes so many crucial aspects of the story! and shirley jackson was a genius she was a major voice that informed the horror genre we know today and it’s so bizarre to me that someone took her story, rearranged it into something barely recognizable, and still used her title. and now it’s what people think of when they think of hill house and mike flanagan goes on documentaries and says stuff like “when i created the haunting of hill house” and he has a character named shirley but she isn’t even the one who wrote the titular novel within his show, they gave that to a man, and i hate it. i hate it so much. just make your thing and say it’s inspired by the haunting of hill house fuck me

#i know i will lose followers for this i’m sorry i just have to SPEAK MY TRUTH!!! #this isn’t me being like a book purist and saying like ‘they changed eleanor’s hairstyle so the adaption is bad’ btw #he changed. everything. when i was rereading the book my friend who loves the show was like ‘so are luke and nell twins in the book’ #and i was like what…. they aren’t related…. #and when i watched the show with her i was like WHAT is going on #imagine you write a novel that like trailblazes the way for others in the genre and fundamentally informs all further haunted house stories #and then someone makes an adaptation where essentially nothing is the same #and everyone starts to think of That when they hear the title #and the dude who made the adaptation says ‘when i created x’ #i’m aware i’m worked up about this leave me alone let me rage

[skydigiblogs]

also sorry to double post but i'm going to be thinking about this rewatch for a while now lmao

i know there are a lot of resources that talk about the differences between the sub and dub but i'm kind of losing my mind at how much better the build up felt for apocalymon in the sub?

like specifically that's the thing that's been sticking with me among all the other little differences here and there

i don't remember anything in the dub about distortions being a rampant issue, for instance, but they're mentioned frequently around the etemon arc (and actually i have to wonder if the dark network core was intended to be an extension of apocalymon past the wall of fire)

it's explicitly told in the sub that the dark masters even used the distortions to rise to power in the way they did, reformatting the world in the process

and like i know the ruins on file island (which prophesize apocalymon's return) are commented on during that first arc, but also, that's in both sub and dub. the whole distortion thread doesn't make it into the dub at all from my recollection

and then at the end explaining that the fairy time shit (1 mn IRL = 1 day in the digital world) as consequential of apocalymon!!!

i remember when i first watched 02 i was so confused as to how that fairy time 1 mn / 1 day thing was just gone!! that's part of what always bothered me when watching 02, because it felt like such a blatant ignoring of pre-established canon and the explanation in-dub never felt right (idr if they even explained it)

ourgh anyways

sub apocalymon may not be making jokes about their existential crisis of an existence but i still wanna give the damn mon(s?) a pizza

poor thing deserves it

#sky talks #digimon #digimon adventure #even with the very defanged version of apocalymon in the dub as a kid i always pitied them #wondering if there couldn't have been a kind end for them #and honestly even now thinking about post 01 materials like tri like #idk a huge them of digimon is reincarnation and when you have a digital entity that betrays that cycle #that is essentially disbarred until tri when its data recycles into another digimon #why *isn't* apocalymon allowed a happy ending? #it's a creature made of the resentment of death #being left behind in a world that has this idea baked in that all things will achieve life again #that contrast is going to be something i think about for a long time #it was certainly a choice to design a digimon whose existence is the failure of a system promising eternal reincarnation #idk i'm kind of just rambling #apocalymon is fascinating to me #even the fact that it's implied that apocalymon still returns again and again despite their losing to chosen children before #it was denied proper reincarnation and instead found it in an even crueler way that demands it play the villain

[archersartcorner]

Someone holds me, safe and warm

Horses prance through a silver storm

Figures dancing gracefully

Across my memory…

Hi I finished a resisting Durge user with Bela and I have. Thoughts.

#my art #described #baldurs gate 3 #baldur’s gate 3 #bg3 art #the dark urge #oc: bela #durge: Bela #the Thoughts have mostly been of a durgetash variety I will admit. the shitty man has Enamored me… #essentially my thoughts for Bela is that like. she never wanted to be a bhaalspawn. she helped concoct the plan because she was hoping that- #-if she made some grand sweeping gesture to her father he’d leave her tf alone. she stuck out in the rest of the cult as she was far more- #-controlled and restrained than the others there despite literally being of bhaal’s blood. she was resisting long before she lost her memory #before the game’s start she’d pray often to eilistraee. her prayers tended to go unanswered but she formed a version of herself in her head- #-that she wanted to be if she wasn’t a bhaalspawn and tried to live up to that. when she lost her memory she didn’t know about any of that - #-but eilistraee had blessed her broken mind with the ability to heal and spread light. she was listening - there just wasn’t much she felt- #-she could do up to this point. so she went from pregame being an assassin-rogue to during game being a cleric with a penchant for music. #in losing her memory it gave her the opportunity to be the person she always wanted to be even if she was unaware that’s what she was doing #anyway scattershot thoughts. bela my love

[made-nondescript]

sometimes i go a little bit insane thinking about the towns of early western america and how many just aren’t there anymore people’s whole lives washed away by sand and sun with nothing but dry, old wood and stone foundations and mines, now empty, to prove they’d ever been there.

sometimes i go a bit nuts thinking about all the cemeteries no one has visited in decades because they are miles from any development, now. wooden headstones reduced to kindling and the stone ones worn down so far that you’re lucky to make out a single letter. fences that have long since stopped serving their purpose.

places built to be temporary but even still were at one point were full of people’s friends and family and hope. i don’t know. a little crazy about it rn

#every time i think about cowboys i am like overcome with. i don't even know #something about how the media has given them so much more credit than they deserve but also by doing so obscured their genuine role #the diminished importance of the miner whos life often ended violently and abruptly #the hundreds of ancedotes we will never be privy to #standing in what is essentially the living corpse of something that once was.... #am i even making sense #i dont know #this was brought on bc i was thinking about tumble town. again. #i never have anything interesting to say about tumble town but its a wonderful catalyst for me losing my mind over ghost towns #i get to bring up the highwayman as a little treat. to myself. bc the highwayman is SUCH a good western au fic #i'm not an expert. NOR am i going to hold the highwayman up as a paragon of historical accuracy bc that's just not what its aiming for #nor should it have to #but it is so much more grounded than a lot of western fics. it is so atmospheric and at least to me it captured the vibe #of being out in that kind of enviroment SO well #LIKE! i don't even know how to describe it. just vibes!!!! #it reminded me of what it was like standing in one of those old towns. the way things were laid out and everything. idk! i like the highwaym #have i made that clear LOL #ANYWAY! #this post that is only tangentially related to the blog's subject is sponsored by the dutch bros drink i ALSO got myself as a treat!

[soulsxng]

The First Nephilim, pt 2 (pt 1 here)

Today:

There are very few Watchers left-- likely fewer than can be counted on two hands. Many of them eventually returned to the mortal realm, to give those of the new nephilim, now free of a curse, and able to live as they pleased; as well as the fallen angels, a place to belong.

The Zental Port of Gaea.

Some still consider themselves followers of Iryin, and await the day that their deity will return to them...while others loathe their once beloved god.

As for the original nephilim, of the 30 or so that were born, only 10 or 15 are still stuck in their cycles of reincarnation-- the others all became Anguished spirits, and either still wander the realms to this day, or were dispatched, and finally allowed to return to creationary energy once more.

For those that still survive, however, though they're commonly reincarnated as nephilim, that isn't always the case. Though they're still very much effected by the curse, and it is still considered extremely volatile, the effects have somehow been slowly reducing over each lifetime. Now, they're at least able to hold a less monstrous form, and their souls are more stable than before.

Of course, they still struggle with their hunger, and can actually lose control fairly easily in a lot of cases. For example, heightened emotions make them more volatile. Being around blood, or someone that is near death (even a natural death). Exposure to certain beings-- typically those that have the same curse as them, but also beings that can regenerate, or revive upon "death".

While these original nephilim don't seem to attack each other when they lose control, being near each other for longer periods of time seem to bolster the effects of the curse. As for the second category, it's the curse recognizing that, essentially, they have an unlimited feeding source...or at least somewhat unlimited, as there are a lot of cases in which this curse will break through a lot of immortalities.

This makes these original nephilim extremely valuable in black market scenes and the like, and so it's common for them to almost immediately have a Watcher assigned to them when they're reborn, to prevent them from being captured and used.

The Abomination:

Once one of these original nephilim lose control to the point where they fully transform into an abomination, it's thus far been impossible in all cases but one for them to regain their sanity, and return to their original form again. In the one case, though the being in question was able to change back, they ultimately succumbed to the aftereffects of their loss of control, and died within days afterward.

Usually, the transformation begins with thin, vein-like tendrils that will begin to stretch out of their skin. They'll reach toward anything that is causing the curse to react, and though the initial reach is only a few inches at most before they wither, it gets longer the stronger the curse is reacting. If contact is actually made, they'll try to attach themselves to the victim and begin draining blood/energy/magic from them.

In the next stage, their limbs lengthen and grow larger, beginning with their hands and arms, and their fingers turn sharp and curved, like a blade. Skin in various places over their body begins to crack, and will look akin to smoldering wood. From the cracks in their skin, more of the veiny tendrils emerge, along with drips and bubbles of void matter. Sclera turn dark grey, pupils slit, and irises begin to slowly fade to red. Still in control in this stage, but extremely volatile.

The third stage, they sprout a spiked, whip-like tail, and similarly sharp, bat wings made of bone. Their skin in now mostly made up of the void matter, spilling and floating freely from their bodies, and seemingly being held together primarily by the tendrils. Multiple eyes begin to appear in various places all over their body. Though their shape is still somewhat reminiscent of their original form, it's beginning to seriously disform into something entirely different. Though they can still be brought back from this stage, but have mostly lost control, and aren't likely to be able to hold themselves back from trying to kill/consume whatever living beings are around them at the time.

The final stage is a total loss of control. By this point, they've grown to be similar to...

that. With the more human one being like...second stage transformation. They're unable at this point, to recognize anyone or anything. They can sense living beings within several dozen miles of them, and will bolt to wherever they can sense the strongest or largest presence. Though they do appear to have a mouth, they can also swallow things up via the puddles or void matter that drip off of them. Sometimes, when it's especially strong, these puddles can turn into smaller abominations with a sort of hivemind to the original. The original CAN respawn from one of these smaller abominations if it's killed when any are still around.

Once they reach that point, there's really not anything that can be done to save them. They usually just need to be killed so they can be reincarnated with a "fresh start", so to speak.

#[Worldbuilding] #(So essentially the curse is like an infection of the Void #Zhrun pretty much said 'you're going to steal from me? okay here then-- have this and see if you can handle it as well as you think' #and then Heaven's former god pretty much saw that and went 'wow that's a good idea...it would be a shame if...I stole it and made it worse' #so here we are #I should also probably mention #that even if those inflicted with the curse #either from the coven that Levana was born into #or the reincarnated original nephilim like Ezra #even if they don't end up losing control #the curse makes them generally very sickly and can just kill them over time as well #this happens much faster for the reincarnated than it does for the coven #but still the same idea)

[wishfuldorian]

Vanilla Stardew: So many things to do and virtually no time to do them slowly it kinda drove me mad and stressed me so much sometimes I felt like crying cuz I couldn't do anything I wanted really. Like talk with the villagers

Time management mod Stardew: Oh wow I love life, oh hello everyone! Im gonna fish, ooh ill sit on this bench... Let me get some wood... I wanna say hi to everybody! Ill water these crops one by one... peace and love on earth im so chill I could sleep and I can do anything

#stardew valley #this game has an iron grip on me #but my addiction came from wanting to do stuff and not being able to and like kinda short circuting my brain with so much content #now I can play a singular day and leave with my mind at ease knowing I did everything I wanted in game #and I'm not frustrated that I don't have time #like why the hell is ten seconds equivalent of ten minutes in game???? that's like nothing you walk to someplace and it takes one hour #and that hour is essential to talking to someone or going to a shop #sometimes I would lose an entire day trying to just find someone #It made me so frustrated I can't even describe it #couldn't enjoy any part of the game in peace because I lost all birthdays #lost events due to not having enough money #couldn't form any friendships with anyone cuz it meant I'd love two days of the week giving a gift #it just #it was bad

[showyoumyfavoriteobsession]

I've been going back to Inscryption a little bit recently bc Kaycee's Mod is a lot of fun but I just lost a run in the most devastating way possible

#i had a wonderful combo in my deck of a warren with undying; an ant queen; and an insect totem with fecundity #so i essentially had infinite rabbits and if i pulled the ant queen at the same time i could instantly fill the board with power-4s #as well as playing literally any other card in my deck without squirrels bc. infinite rabbits #i just made it through the first challenge level the other day; this was my very first run with the boss totems challenge #i made it to the final boss. made it to the final phase. started chipping away at the moon. #and then i realized. i was running out of cards that could do damage #i had kept my deck pretty small so that i had a higher chance of getting the combo #and i could stall it for a long time with all the rabbits #but i realized too late that it was still going to kill all of my damage-dealing cards and i was going to lose #i had 2 hourglasses... if i had realized earlier and used them when i had more stuff on the board i probably could have made it #the moon had 4 health left when i ran out of cards and i just had to let it kill me. nothing i could do. #anyway. sorry for the incomprehensible post but this was equal parts heartbreaking and hilarious to me #j rambles #video games #inscryption

[apathyfairy]

i spent 3 months watching gilmore girls and i finally finished it and a year in the life and then netflix is like hmm what should we recommend... gilmore girls season 1 episode 1 is starting in 3 seconds

#against my better judgement i watched a year in the life again and it was so much worse the second time. i only watched it when it first #came out and then forgot everything that happened because it was so bad it didnt even have to be that bad but it was so bad. #like this might be an unpopular opinion but god whenever they reboot shows or do like a reunion the magic from the original is just gone #that came out wrong i dont mean the original show loses it's magic but that the reboot is missing the thing that made the original special #like ok spoilers and also unpopular opinions but there was just like no chemistry between any of the cast anymore IMO. imo dont come for me #i have no idea what the actors were doing or what they had to move around to make cameos or whatever but just imo alexis was like on another #planet i have no idea why rory was like that. it was just so. routine and expected ? like they were acting how we would expect them to act #but it was just so insincere? i guess is the word #like season 7 sucked and we all know it but god season 7 was better than a year in the life in retrospect #the ONLY good thing about a year in the life is emilys story like good for her finally living her own life and finding what she loves #that makes sense and that all adds up like love that for her. #im biased because ive been a jess girl since i was 8 but jess. fantastic. sucks that he's still in love with rory but hes doing great fine #lane deserved more than that that was bullshit that she was there for 5 minutes and sookie too like #from what i remember melissa mccarthy couldnt be in it or didnt want to or i dont know but i didnt like that they essentially made sookie #abandon jackson and her kids idk. #christopher i dont care about but PARIS deserved more as well #dont get me started on the wild plot omg. #but that's another thing that ruins the reboots is they just try to add such topical references and it just ages so badly imo #and anyway im just so confused. rory is still sleeping with logan but she has a boyfriend whose name she cant remember but also #she's having one night stands at comic con ? #all for the show to end with SPOILER her saying she's pregnant ? #? ? ? #? #ok. #like. they ruined her character a long time ago but they just completely gave up in this. #lorelai is lorelai i expected nothing else so it was boring i just. think this was the wrong show to do a reunion with i dont know. #i didnt watch it but i think the friends thing is the best way to go where they dont make new episodes but just bring the cast back together #like it was so much better with us all just imagining luke and lorelai got married and had another kid and rory went on to be a journalist #and that was that but here we are

[caroloftheshells]

long post re theory pedagogy again

the other thing about that vid (and another thing! lol) being that hierarchically a lot of the people doing the more interesting or out-there research and diversifying the field from a content perspective (and, tbh, demographically) are like grad students or early-career people who don’t even necessarily have any pedagogical flexibility & tend to be slotted in to teach lower-level theory courses-- whose outcomes are predetermined not only by general screwy nasm strictures but by whatever the professor down the line in the curriculum is teaching / expects people to know when they get there. and we get paid (much) less also than tenured professors. which is really a generic “thing about all academia” that doesn’t necessarily become a nefarious personal flaw on the part of said scholars and instead ought to be addressed at a structural level bc the scale of the issue exceeds individual instructors’ spheres of influence.

BUT music occupies such a fucked “totally separate from society” space in many ppl’s imaginations that it’s like oh man how dare it have the same issues as every other field of scholarship bc it shouldn’t “really” be a matter of scholarship in the first place. ie music is culturally rendered a “nothing matters just feel it” / “everything is ephemeral and there is only Innate Talent and nothing can be taught” sort of field such that any intellectualizing thereof &/or suggestion of learnabilty / non-innateness is deemed, like, boring & regressive by some people & i’d say especially people raised with a certain awareness of the “composer-genius” culture of wam education. like i’m completely on the “fuck partwriting parallel fifths are awesome” train as a matter of taste (for example) but that does not mean that learning what parallel fifths are-- and why some old european guys didn’t like them *bc they preferred it to sound like there was more than one voice and it’s easier to create that perceptually w/o an overtone effect* (eg)-- is going to like destroy your artistic Essence and make you a worse musician bc now you’re no longer an empty vessel put on this earth to channel brahms or whoever. & plus i think perpetuating the synonymizing of theory-as-field with wam harmonic rules not only is like factually misrepresentative of current research but also is sort of a self fulfilling prophesy such that ppl who would otherwise have completely fascinating things to say & questions to ask are discouraged from non-platitudinous & open-ended (theoretical) inquiry re the content and aims of their own rep & listening, and tacitly learn that composers’ ~~genius~~ descended from the heavens & you either get it or you don’t, you either “have talent” as a composer or you don’t, et cetera

#Which I Maintain is dangerous not bc i think there is a set method of learning all music(s) obviously but bc that's how you get like #weird essentialism & i'm thinking especially abt anecdotes i've heard re: vocal pedagogy where ppl have been subjected to (...) #racial discrimination; gender discrimination; fatphobia / discrimination based on having or not having a certain 'look' to go w your voice #& told they are 'naturally' inclined to sing or study certain genres of music & shouldn't try anything else (not even ranges! whole genres) #which is maybe sort of tangential but i think stems from this same deal of 'you just have to Feel it' & such #the idea of music as ephemeral and quasi-spiritually channeled such that you lose something if you approach it w scrutiny #or if you have to break it down in a way that; in its detail & precision; reads as divorced from immediate aesthetic judgment #the idea that there's some magic there not to be explained; that composition thus is a special ineffable pursuit for special people. bleh #& the... in depth research and nuance and hesitancy to have a snappy take that like ime culturally describes many theorists. is good #& is; again ime; something valued by several music scholars who sought it out as a Way Out Of a certain brand of meritocratic bullshit #toward a different brand of weird pedantry of course but i think it has its place despite being hooked academically 2 a toxic music culture #in the sense that; for sure; there are egregious issues; but the repertoire bias is unilaterally present in wam circles #& it's like well. your problem is 'with' the textbooks but since when has a so called 'voice degree' #at your average som / public institution without enormous fucking tons of money #unlike idk berklee lol #actually regarded choral singing; musical theatre; art song; rock vocals; et cetera with the same seriousness as a wagnerian opera career #and made a variety of music available from a performance perspective as well. i mean my undergrad was vaguely ok here but On The Whole... #bigger fish re funding in notated-music industry and degrees as job prep for shrinking market etc #anyway though...... i value myself too much to be a youtuber lol #imagine me appending that 'just saying things recreationally' post to this post #carol overreacts to life #theorycomp tag

[stonesandswords]

welp it’s less than 2 hours until October and I never published a fanfic for the month of September and I absolutely hate myself for it and i will be crying about it, for fact.

#everyone says fandom is supposed to be fun but i've literally never had a good time #all it's done is bring me insane amounts of anxiety and i literally don't know what i'm here for #yes i've made acquaintances but everyone is better friends with each other and i willl forever remain the odd man out #like i know i dislike a lot of popular fandom head canon but i think it's unfair for so many people to hate me for that #the point is we're allowed our own opinions #but my opinions always seem so controversial and divisive the clearly i'm the fucking jack ass for disagreeing and being my own person #it's made me so scared to share my thoughts and opinions because more often than not; i lose friends for sharing my thoughts and it sucks #i just wish i had people i could share my opinions with and not have them cut me off #and then being part of a server that essentially fucked me over because i was trying to be as authentic as possible ... #killing myself good bye lmfao

[confinedinthisflesh]

so i open the sims 4 for the first time since fucking march, who was gonna tell me i foretold ofmd in my life

#I MADE THIS STORY UP AND IT'S JUST ESSENTIALLY A GENTLEBEARD COMEDIAN AU I'M LOSING IT BESTIES #I DIDN'T WATCH OR LOOK AT OFMD THINGS UNTIL APRIL ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME #FJSJFKSKF LITERALLY #I HATE MYSELF THEY LOOK LIKE EM TOO I'M LOSING IT #remmierambles #youdon'tbelongindoggyheaven

[bunnyb34r]

Apparently they did an audit of my area (routine before inventory to see where we're at and try to find missing items) and it was... like 10k in the hole 😬

I know it's not at all my fault, that I'm doing the best I can especially when it's just me for 4 hrs and however long the night shift recoverer spends on my area (so just ME stocking) and that our customers are fucking thieves

But bc eeeeveryone knows it's my area™️ I felt kinda responsible and very embarrassed...

The lady auditing is very nice though and she's like "yeah I wanted to check with you, since I know you'd know like off the top of your head if we have these items and/or where they are." And then we talked ab how much our customers steal and how EASY it is to in this area ESPECIALLY when everything is packaged not tagged like oooops I don't know HOW this 4 pack of onesies ended up in my purse... oh I brought those "changes of clothes" in my purse with me! (And they're just merch they took from the table and removed the paper band from)

She was shocked that the last time we audited my area was before LAST inventory and she was like "well there you go then. That's why we cant find anything, it's probably shit that's long gone physically but still in the system!" (Audits typically wipe out shit we cannot find and mark it as a loss.)

I'm just glad we didnt have to do the audits this year bc they're soooo tedious to do and we're gonna be counting the table shit Monday anyway so 😩

I guess I shouldn't beat myself up TOO much when womens gets audited like 2x a year minimum and we lose $5,000 per audit on average so... par for the course? I guess? Idk

#marquilla #like i said i KNOW Its not my fault especially since im not there when we open and i clearly label my boxes and made sure no boxes #are behind anything for inventory so it's not like something is hidden its just GONE #like we lose so much fucking money on people stealing brand name clothing and it bothers me to no end like idgaf ab the company losing money #i care ab the numbers making ME look bad and it's not even like essential items being taken (like food) bc they conveniently dont take #store brand clothes as much yknow... and again i only care bc it makes me look like i cant do my goddamn job and they blame me for 'losing' #items and it's like idk why dont you have a better loss prevention team then #work talk #it's just frustrating man

[lecliss]

Just realized Vincent's character can kinda be summed up as "i can fix her" and horrendously failing

#'i can fix her' bro she is actively being made worse as we speak!!!!! #okay i jest but this did make me think about some stuff actually #vincent's honestly a guy that seems so. not human. like literally in that hes kinda a zombie and can transform into monsters #and then metaphorically in that hes canonically a 'natural loner' as nojima calls him and comes off as cold and admits hes just like that #but hes So. Fucking. Human in that he was in love and chased after a woman with a million red flags #and who frankly didnt deserve him and he butted into a situation that actually should have stopped being his business #but he continuously tried to do 'the right thing' and got himself screwed over for it #and proceeded to BLAME HIMSELF and try to fix 'his mistake' #like. whats more human than 'its my fault and i should have tried harder and done the right thing' WHEN WHAT HE SHOULD HAVE DONE #WAS GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE ONCE HE WAS TOLD TIME AND TIME AGAIN THAT ITS NONE OF HIS BUSINESS ESSENTIALLY #the more and more i break down vincent the more i realize like #wow. he kinda sucks. like not even just in a loser way but in like. yep! thats a human! way #thats a person who digs himself deeper and deeper into a hole thinking if i just dig a little deeper itll get better #and now hes six feet under in a grave :/ metaphorically. well. he does end up in a coffin but like. unrelated actually. huh. #okay i actually shouldnt call him a loser and say he sucks actually cuz i think he acts very realistically in terms of like #guy whos in love and thinks he can save her if he just talks enough. guy who thinks maybe this time will be enough to fix the situation #GUY WHO THINKS IF I SAY THE RIGHT THING ITLL FINALLY GET THROUGH TO HER *proceeds to reword the same statement a million times* #hes too human really. ohhhh my god im gonna lose it. OH MY GOD HES JUST SOME GUY #HES THE RESULT OF JUST SOME GUY TRYING TO BE A PROTAG BUT THEN HES HIT WITH CRUEL REALITY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #personal

[waloeders]

also re ppl leaving tumblr/takin a break i do have a cohost +twt under this username, ur welcome to follow there! i will probably stick around for a while longer tbh bc i dont really like twt or cohost enough to perma leave i would just. stop talking abt selfship 😔

#jupiter.speaks #> my twt is a lot more. politics + me talkin unrelated to selfship bc i have irls there #> but i do still talk abt my fos so. i guess it counts #> as for cohost. i need to actually use it lmao #> im hopin things get better on here as unlikely as it is. bc i dont really see how/where a similar comm could b built #> theres just not a lot of spaces for communities anymore on the internet n it sucks :/ #> we 100% have a ton of issues here tbc. no disputing that. but also ive made really good friends here <3 dont wanna lose contact w them #> n im personally too scared to dm ppl its. a lot. i like group pages essentially where we engage at our own pace hmmngg #> anywag. work i guess

[isthisjackie]

Girl not this

#personal #I feel like I’m losing my mind rn #like I feel like I’m stuck between feeling guilty and like a bad friend #and between like recognizing that I don’t have to keep dealing with some of this shit #like one of my best friends jusr continues to things that she knows aren’t good for her #and has not been very considerate with what’s going on #like I know it may not seem like much to some people but like #my little old dog has cancer and I’ll probs have to put her to sleep later this week #and she was one of the only things that really helped me when I was at my lowest point #like my whole life essentially imploded within a very short period of time #and she was the only constant and was so helpful during all of it #and today I told my friend that I could t do this event tonight #bc I was mere moments from a melt down and she ultimately made the convo about her #and about the weird self-toxic stuff #she said she asked 20 people who she had asked out and they said no to see why they said no #and she said they all said it’s bc of a physical feature she’s self conscious about #like it’s this shit all the time it feels like I’m playing mind games half of the time with her #any time i have to tell her no for whatever it seems like she takes it so fucking personal #I’m just so fucking over it