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#especially if you havent cried in years or months or weeks or whatever
e4rlgr3y · 3 years
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blxetsi · 3 years
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armin arlert, mikasa ackerman, and eren jaeger polyamorous headcanons (modern au)
armin arlert x gn!reader, mikasa ackerman x gn!reader, eren jaeger x gn!reader, mikasa x armin x eren x gn!reader
warnings: uhh fluff, this is very long, reader has a gf b4 getting w ema,
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this is like my first post since feb that isnt a request 😍😍😍 how did i pull this out of my ass
- obv eren, mikasa, and armin have been besties since childhood so its no wonder they all got together first 🤩🙏
- and theyre all hot so why wouldnt they wanna date each other
- i think armin and eren wouldve gotten together first, and then invited mikasa into their relationship
- the three of them have been officially going steady for like over a year now, and its going really well
- they didnt really expect you to drop into their lives tho
- youre an old friend of historia's and you two reconnected after you moved to the city, securing yourself a decent paying job working as a writer for the city paper
- you usually get the boring stuff, never able to get a good story to write about, focusing your time on heartwarming stories in the community or the sports column
- its boring but it pays the bills
- you were thankful when historia called you during your lunch and asked if you wanted to get drinks at a bar with her and a couple of other friends
- of course you said yes
- so historia and her girlfriend ymir picked you up after work, having dinner with them after a long week was the best, but you were a bit nervous to meet all of their friends
- thats how you met eren, mikasa and armin
- at first you were sure that mikasa and eren were dating, seeing as mikasa had her head on the taller man's shoulder, while his arm was wrapped around her
- but when armin leaned down to give mikasa a kiss before heading off to the bar you werent so sure
- ymir pulled you away to get more drinks and explained to you what the situation was, while commenting on the way you gawked at the three of them before
- you were embarassed to say the least but they didnt bring it up that night so you hoped the throuple didnt notice (they did)
- you really hit it off with all of them though, especially sasha and jean, and were constantly talked about among the friend group
- because of your demanding job dealing with writers block and deadlines you couldnt really meet up with all of them often, usually just having sleepovers at ymir and historia's apartment, the three of you drinking while you wrote on your laptop
- after a couple months of casual hangouts with historia and ymir and their friends, you kinda became one of them too which was nice
- you were added to the groupchat, you all followed each other on social media, and a certain brunet had taken a liking to you
- eren didnt know why exactly he was so attracted to you but he was, maybe it was your hair, or how pretty your skin looked even when oily or with breakouts, maybe it was your smile or your body or your sense of humor or you kindness or maybe it was all of it
- eren jaeger would always stay faithful to his boyfriend and girlfriend, but maybe they could add another person into the mix, more to love right ?
- he had only known you for a couple of months though, he didnt want to jump the gun and bring this up with his partners so soon, especially if they didnt feel the same way he did
- and it would be a bummer if you turned out to be a bad person or smth
- so summer rolls around with lots of memories being made with your new friends, as well as friends from work, and you get a girlfriend ??
- shes not really your girlfriend you two have only been out on a couple of dates and she kisses you a lot but, you havent talked about labels
- one night you, along with your friends are back at the same bar where you first met them
"so, tell us about the girl youre seeing." ymir says, smirking over her beer.
eren's ears perked up at the mention of you seeing someone. "girl ?"
historia nodded. "mhm ! y/n's been talking to someone recently, they've gone on dates and kissed and stuff."
"and stuff, jesus tori you make it sound like we've had sex." you sighed.
the blonde just laughed, leaning her body onto her freckled companion.
"well ? what about her ?" eren asks. armin slapped him on the arm, already having suspicions about eren's interest in you.
your shoulders sagged. "well, she's great and everything, truly..."
"but ? is there a but in this ?" connie asked. sasha started laughing at connie's use of the word but, while jean slapped the girl on the arm because of her reaction.
you shrugged, swirling what was left of your fruity cocktail in your glass. "well, i'm not sure. she's very lively, and sweet. but i don't know, i just don't see myself being able to be in a steady relationship with her."
"so you're gonna end it ?" eren asked. you thought he seemed a bit too eager about your failure in the love department.
"why do you care so much ? you like the thought of me being lonely ?" you shot back, before downing the rest of your drink.
"no i just-"
"i think what eren means is," mikasa intervened, her smooth voice calming you as she looked at you with a smile on her face. "is that there's no point in staying with her if you can't see yourself with her. don't lead her on."
you nodded. "you're exactly right my friend. which is the plan for tonight because i," you quickly checked the time on your phone. 8:17. "have a date with miss molly at nine, so i will be taking my leave."
the group engaged in a chorus of boos for leaving so early, while you chuckled and took the lighthearted insults thrown at you by sasha and connie with ease. grabbing all of your things you put down two twenties onto the table. "i'll see you guys later, have a goodnight." as you walked off you heard jean yell "have a good time you heartbreaker !" making you shake your head
- the date with molly went less then well. she yelled, and cried, and even tried hitting you at one point. your walk back from the park was spent blocking her on every form of social media you followed her on, and when you got back to your apartment you spent the night in a hot bath before retiring to bed
- meanwhile, armin and mikasa were trying to pry the truth out of eren, who was constantly denying his attraction to you
- finally mikasa took one for the team "eren, you aren't alone with the way you feel, i do too." this made eren more willing to open up to his partners
- armin doesnt say anything about you, only saying how youre kind. he doesnt feel the way that his girlfriend and boyfriend do, but he knows that may change
- soon enough, more time flies and christmas rolls around, with you all deciding to have a secret santa get together.
- historia invites everyone to her home on christmas eve, with ymir begrudgingly allowing it
- bertholdt and annie come too, reiner not being able to make it due to going home for christmas, while everyone else decided to stay in the city
- you picked out your secret santas at the beginning of november so you would all have enough time to find something for each other, you hoped whoever picked your name gave you something good
- after hours of games and karaoke and drinking you all decided it was time to open the presents
- ymir got socks from bertholdt, connie got an ugly beanie from ymir, historia got new pens from mikasa, mikasa got knitting needles from annie, annie got a dumbell from eren, jean got a not so appropriate t shirt from connie, jean gave sasha more comic books, armin gave new stationary paper to bertholdt, sasha gifted you that new biography you've been wanting to read and you gave armin your old copy of frankenstein by mary shelley
- he was surprised but very thankful, "how did you know i needed a new copy ?" "well i remember you said eren spilt water on your old one, and the pages just stuck together so i thought you might as well have mine"
- it warmed armin's heart that you remembered something so insignificant, and opened him up to the thought of being with you
- the rest of the night was spent with hugs and thankfulness, cheering when the clock struck 12 and it became christmas day
- after getting things cleaned up everyone decided it was time to leave, with armin, eren and mikasa offering to give you a ride home
- a ride where armin straight up kissed you in the backseat
- you stopped him of course, thinking that it was weird he would cheat on his partners right in front of them, while they were shocked all on their own for different reasons, armin who didnt have feelings for you KISSED you
- and surprisingly armin took the lead in explaining how he felt, why he kissed you, an apology for doing so, and an offer to start dating all three of them
- your heart was pounding in your ears and your entire face felt hot, it was probably the alcohol, or the way his lips felt so soft when they touched yours, so you said yes.
- its not smooth sailing from there
- youre kind of awkward
- this is your first relationship where you really feel like you could love these guys (you already do) but its also your first relationship with multiple people
- the trio start inviting you over more often, soon for sleepovers, and start inviting themselves over at your own place, mainly eren
- he just comes at random times, sometimes when youre not even there and waits for you, or stays and cleans up a bit before leaving
- armin and you share a deep love of literature, and you often find yourselves in hot debates about whatever youve read (mikasa and eren have to pry you two away before things get physical)
- mikasa likes to cook with you, she shares recipes that her mom taught her, and her and armin love to cook dinner together whereas eren is the breakfast maker of the household
- the first time you slept in the same bed as them you were so nervous your whole body thumped to the tune of your heartbeat, you were convinced armin could even hear it as he was laying beside you, but eren wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you into his large chest before whispering "youre as stiff as a board, relax honey"
- eren snores, mikasa drools, armin has those dreams where you fall and then violently wake up before you hit the ground
- slowly but surely you stop thinking about your relationship as the trio and you, but as all of you together, and that really helps you come out of your shell a bit
- you may still be in the honeymoon phase, and there may be bumps along the way, but you like being with armin, eren, and mikasa. they make you so happy, it feels like the happiest youve been in a long time
- you like watching eren and armin dance in the living room while you and mikasa cuddle on the couch, before the boys pull you two up as well
- you like when armin reads to you, his soft voice reciting the words of the great gatsby
- you like it when eren can just tell youve had a rough day, and pulls you into a hug like hes protecting you from all the bad things in the world
- you love being with them. you love them. and you think that theyre it for you
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i rushed the ending bc im fucking tired but i kinda wanna do a poly!series with like sasha, connie and jean, or annie, bertholdt and reiner, or any other poly ships u guys may request !
so yeah pls give me feedback it rlly helps me figure out whether you want a polyamorous series (or just like what i write in general), and it would be my first series ever which would be super cool anyways
yeah requests open for poly!ships anyways
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illogicallyinclined · 4 years
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Got any little random bits of interactions u can share? Pat and Remus, Roman and Remy, Virgil and coach, or whatever kinda interactions we havent heard much of?
Let’s Talk Coach Thomas and his Dark, Stormy Son
tws: depression mention, virgil’s dark sense of humor
virgil, like much of the team, hopped aboard the Coach Dad train almost immediately upon joining the Aces. however, given his experience with dads (none), he also expected Very Little of Coach Thomas, especially because Coach Thomas was trepidatious around him from the get-go
listen, virgil’s got a dark sense of humor and the occasional mean streak that can run a mile wide. he, (much like logan later on), argued with Roman quite often – although Roman was honestly much more confrontational than virgil himself – and although Coach Thomas never outright said anything, virgil could still tell that he was getting uncomfortable with the tension amongst his team.
so a month and a half into the season (about two weeks before logan’s own arrival on campus), virgil just. ducked out, so to speak. he entered a depressive spiral, didn’t come to practice for a week, and that weekend, he skipped both games. fine, right? the team was probably better off without him anyway.
(you can imagine his surprise when two of his teammates – and the coach himself – came knocking on the door to his single that sunday, bearing with them a bunch of questions about Where The Hell He’d Been and a list of reasons why he needed to return to the team immediately)
virgil came back. obviously. and since then, his relationship with coach thomas has honestly been a lot better.
that said, here are some Interactions
coach thomas isn’t proud of it, but if he sees a player on the other team being a massive tool, he might ask virgil to go hit them with some choice chirps. (that kid’s got a TALENT) 
in contrast, you can sometimes find coach thomas making a desperate dash across the locker room to reign in one (1) Terrifying Defenseman before he can mentally scar the new freshman by asking them if they know how/when they’re going to die 
coach thomas makes a particularly dark joke one practice himself and the team could feel the way that virgil’s face lit up in a delighted smirk before even looking 
virgil occasionally calls coach thomas after waking up from particularly bad nigthtmares because he can’t sleep and trusts that the coach will know what to say to calm him down
virgil makes coach thomas a father’s day card his freshman year, but he ends up so anxious that he almost crumples it up and EATS IT when he sees coach thomas entering the locker room. (because what if that’s weird? oh man, that’s probably weird right?). 
before he can do that though, roman presents his own father’s day card to coach thomas, and it makes coach thomas so happy that virgil forces down his own fears and ends up slipping his onto coach thomas’s desk 
(needless to say, coach thomas cries about it to joan later that evening)
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fuzzylumpkins · 3 years
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I GIVE UP. (a secret open letter)
Hi. I know youre a morning person, and you're always busy everyday. especially on a Monday, and i really dont wanna rain on your parade, but given the situation, i just know na hindi ko na kaya patagalin pa to ng ilang araw, or iset aside nanaman. So im sorry if your first day of the week and your day itself starts off with this letter.
I also know na you dont really read my long messages and youre probably thinking, "Hay, ito nanaman si Mara and mga long letters nya." But im asking you to please read all of these. Alam ko pag gising mo you will shrug this off, and it's okay. who would want a buzzkill to start their day with, diba? Hehe but again, please. Please take time to read this and understand where this is all coming from. You can always save these messages to your vault and read it later kung nasa mood ka na, or if me time ka na. But please dont disregard this letter.
Anyway,
It's exactly 2:15 in the morning. I havent slept since i messaged you last night/kanina. I had to stop crying, and collect myself entriely, para kalmado ako (kanina kalmado actually ako. You just got scared na magstorm off ako, and turned off your phone. Pero thankfully, kalmado ako nun. And i guess thats a really good thing, kasi di na ako galit. But i guess that's also a sign na pagod na ako talaga.
So yeah, i needed to collect myself, hindi na ako umiiyak as i am writing this (but i probably will cry at the end or maybe even in the middle of writing of this letter! hehe) Nag relax muna ako from my last message sayo, doing nothing, because I needed to calm myself even more, kasi I wanted to write this letter, na yun nga, kalmado, that way, mas sure ako sa mga sasabihin ko, and sa magiging decisions ko.
Love, im giving up. This time it's for real. Ayaw ko na talaga. Alam ko ilang beses mo na narinig sakin yan. And i end up eating my words, as soon as you talk to me, throw me nice words, treat me with kindness. parang bigla nalang, "nabibihag" mo nanaman ako. Pero ayaw ko na love. Suko na ako. Surrender na ako. Matigas ka talaga. 😢 hehe And honestly, hindi ko na mafeel yung worth ko sayo. I feel useless, and i feel like im worth nothing to you because of these feelings, na matagal ko na nararamdaman, but i always choose to ignore. Kasi in denial ako. These are the red flags i'd like to let you know.
You never gave me any compromise.
Thats one thing i wanted to hear from you, never mo naman ginawan ng paraan. Parang tinatawanan mo lang yung hurt na nararamdaman ko. Never mo ginawan ng solusyon.
You dont give me an assurance.
Wala akong peace of mind. Im sorry pero, wala na akong trust. You lost my trust, i cant trust you, i wont trust you — kasi never mo naman ako pinafeel good, and never mo naman ako binigyan ng assurance na never mo na gagawin sakin na mahurt ako. Parang feeling ko never mo gnawa yun, kasi ikaw mismo sa sarili mo hindi mo masigurado na kaya mo.
I gave you a second chance , but you never valued that second chance.
Tandang tanda ko pa how you hurt me that night na nakita ko yung unang time na finollow mo yang nur aypha na yan. We talked about it sa Biton. You said sorry you cried. —- hindi ko akalain na ung cool guy lawrence would feel so guilty that day, and cry, and lunok his pride and say sorry to me. Sobra kong happy that moment kasi akala ko sobrang love mo ako. September 21 yun. DO YOU KNOW WHY DECEMBER 23 KO PA ULIT NA NALAMAN NA NEVER MO PALA INUNFOLLOW? Because i dont check you, i dont check your account because i trusted you. Sobra ko lang katrust sayo. Ganun ako kaconfident sa love mo sakin. Pero that december night na nalaman ko yun, it was my gut telling me na something’s up. And ever since then, HINDI NA AKO NATAHIMIK. Hindi ko akalain na yung time na akala ko ok ka, na nagsorry ka, na binigyan kita ng second chance, hindi ko akalain na in that span, may pa like like ka pa ng LAHAT ng pictures nya. As in every upload. Alam mo yung nasa isip ko? Isahan mo lang gilike lahat yun. Tapos nakita nya, na “uy may flood likes ako from an ex..” and thats already enough reason to start a conversation between you two. :”( or hindi ko alam kung lahat ba ng stories nya, gina reactan mo, kasi pala react ka sa stories. Dun mo nga ako una nakausap diba? Thats your conversation starter, and that fucking kills me. Yung thoughts na yun never ako pinatahimik. KAYA GSTO KO LANG NAMAN MAWALA SYA SA ACCT MO KSI HINDI KO NA ALAM ANO NA GINAGAWA MO. Hindi ko na alam ano na ginagawa nyo privately.
Kasi you have intentions. You had intentions when you kept liking her photos. Kasi MAY PINAGDAANAN na tayo na issue sakanya, but you still secretly kept liking her pictures. Up until your birthday, sya nasa isip mo while ako i was doing my best effort to make you feel happy. To surprise you. Lahat. Kaya pala when i asked you to come to mabini to get my bigger surprise, parang “ugh” ka pa na ano ba to. bat kelangan pa mag pnta pnta. Then until new year of 2021, kung d ko pa nahuli nung jan 7, nakalike ka pa and updated ka masyado sknya.
So hindi mo mwala sakin yun magisip ako ng , ah baka sa instagram stories ito naga landian itong dalawa. Thats why i dont have my peace of mind. Thats why i want you to remove her. Pero hndi mo magawa, hindi mo kaya.
You never adjusted even for a bit. Para sakin. 
Para sa tao na dapat sana mas iniisip mo kung mahal mo tlaga.
Sobra kong selos kasi bakit ako, yung kinulang na sa oras sa buhay mo, yung pinipilit mag habol ng oras na nawala, bakit ako yung wala sa social media mo? Bakit ako hindi mo malagay jan, na yan lang yung isang way na makabawi tayo sa lost times natin. Bakit sila, mas nakikita mo yung everyday ig stories nila, yung personal life nila, mas ginapili mo na yun makita kesa updated ka sa simple things in my life na sana nakikita mo, nahahabol mo. Ung mga interests ko na sana alam mo. Yung mga interests mo na sana alam ko, na sana nadidiscover ko pa ngyon na nagahabol ako ng nawala na panahon? Na bawat ig story mo nakikita ko na “uy mahilig talaga si lawrence/mara ng ganto.” Or whatever. Pero wala e. Ung simple joys ko na ganun, you stripped that away from me Because you CHOSE to keep them instead. You chose them and still choose them to this day over me.
Di ko talaga alam bakit? Kasi
You blame me?
Blame me for fucking what?! Tangina. Lagi mo reason “o, ngayon alam mo na feeling ng di pinapakinggan?” Putang ina naman you pnly felt that for 2-3 days na nag matigas ako to not block an ex. Compare mo sa 2-3 months na nagmamatigas ka hindi ako pagbigyan. Fuck. That. Hurts.
And yung blame na yan, kung hindi mo yan maalis sa isip mo, even if i said sorry, even if pinagsisihan ko na, even if i did everything to change that, wala pa rin, then i think that’s also a reason na istop nalang din ito. Kasi yun yung gusto mo na justification sa actions mo, that one single thing na hindi ko naman pinalala, pero yun pa rin yung ginagamimt mo na dahilan to justify your actions, then  i really think it’s time to stop na rin. Oo na, kasalanan ko nalang.
Love the very same reason bakit ayaw mo nagafollow sakin sila, o finafollow ko sila, THATS THE VERY SAME REASON BAKIT AKO NAGA PA BLOCK DIN SAYO. Kung ano yung pakiramdam mo ganun din yung akin. Pero bakit never mo kaya gawin for me yun? Yun yung hndi ko magets. Kung snasabi mo “wala dn man ako gnagawa” WELL GUESS WHAT? WALA DN AKO GINAGAWA, yet i blocked them para wala ka na maisip, THATS ME GIVING YOU YOUR PEACE OF MIND . Para matahimik isip mo and ma feel confident ka about me. E ikw nga MAY GINAGAWA NA.
Di ko talaga alam. Sabi nila it comes with age. Meron mga lalake na maaga nasstop yang stage na ganyan, meron din never na talaga. I dont care if you admire those tiktok type girls, lahat ng mga “wow” for guys. Pero pede nyo naman iappreciate yun without engaging anything with them. Pde mo naman daanan lng without clicking the heart button, or without reacting.
Pero un sa ex mo, tapos hindi pa malabong magkita kayo. Naku, no no na yun. Hindi ako magiging katulad ng asawa natin na nalulusutan natin.
But anyway,
that’s it. Surrender na ako. Masyado na talagang mababa yung tingin ko na worth ko sayo. Masyado na din mababa tingin ko sa sarili ko na naga makaawa ako sa SIMPLENG bagay na hindi mabigay sakin ng tao na nagasabi na mahal ako.
have your freedom, hindi naman kita prisoner. Baka isipin mo sobra pa ako sa asawa mo. Si R nga d naga ganto ganyan, si mara oa, HINDI NAMAN ASAWA. Well maybe because maybe i know you more? I know what youre capable of. You cheat pn ur wife with me, and she doesnt know that. So alam ko na, sya asawa mo kaya mo lokohin, ako pa kaya na kabit mo LANG. If youre gonna b with me, just stay loyal, and be honest. That's all i ask.
Yun lang.
I give up.
💔
💔
💔
Dont worry it’s not you who’s giving up. It’s me. I’ve given up. I’ve given up on hope and love na pjnipilit ko na meron tayo.
Kasi ang dami pa natin pagdadaanan, pero kung ganitong bagay lang hindi mo kaya macompromise for me, then might as well stop this. Pano nlng sa next challenges ? Iwan nlng ako sa ere kasi wala akong support system. So ayoko na dumating sa point na kawawa na ako masyado love. hehe
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Sometimes it takes an experience na masasaktan ka, or may mawawala sayo, for you to realize the value of something. “You never know what you got til it’s gone” kasi you take it for granted.
If youre gonna be with me, be with me all in. Make me feel secured. Give me that trust, kasi yun yung building block ng lahat ng relationships. I told you my deal. D na ako babalik sayo unless you remove that person in your life (na obvious na d mo magawa) Actually, simula ngyon ayaw ko na rin mag-asa. Kasi the more na tumatagal, mas sobrang sakit on my part. Kasi “bakit hindi maaksyonan agad?” Bakit kelangan pa patagalin.
The more you take time, the more it hurts. The more theyre in your life, tapos ako wala? The more it hurts. The more you keep them, the more you dont value my worth.
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I dont want to leave by giving each other wounds. Ayoko na dn matapos ito na puro away nalang. Thats why im giving up. Para wala na ako gnaisip na akin ka, na love mo ako kc i end up getting hurt.
PS: If youre gonna change, dont change for me. Change for yourself. I do believe people change. Yun yung kelangan ko linawin. If you are changing for me, then chances are baka bumalik ka lang sa dati mong ugali, or dati mong ginagawa, because ayaw mong magbago for yourself. If youre gonna change, that has to be for u. Kelangan nasayo yung “narealize ko how much i value my relationship, ayaw ko masira ulit to. Im not gonna give anyone a chance to ruin my relationship.” Because you know the value of this once in a lifetime love story. But if youre changing because naku, “baka magalit si Mara.” Then iba din yun. iba yung reason why youre changing. You might just go back to the way you were. I do believe that ppl can change. Yun lang minsan ang sad dun, it takes a painful experience, para matuto tayo ng leksyon.
Also, i just wanna ask you to not feel AWA towards me. Kasi hindi tama na anjan ka nlang kasi makaawa na ako. Leave that “awa” to me. Kasi ako honestly? Awang awa na ako sa sarili ko for stooping so low sa mga ginagawa ko. Awang awa na ako na i go through hell just to save and value this relationship.
Awang awa na ako na ang dami kong niririsk and pinagdadaanan only to come “home” to a relationship that cant show me my worth.
Parang hindi na tama yung pinagdadaanan ko , tapos ako yung simpleng bagay na hinihingi ko, d mabigay sakin. Unfair na yun. D na ko willing mapagod for nothing.
Pack up na ako, love. Youre only showing me na you dont wanna make it work anymore, and ako nlang yung lumalaban. And I dont think thats fair. but thats ok.
Im sorry, im gone from now on. I give up.
As for your obligations and responsibilities, this current problem/issue im dealing with — my pregnancy. Dont worry anymore na. Ayoko rin n nagastay ka lang kasi naawa ka sakin, or kasi you feel bad na naka take part ka sa pinagdadaanan ko ngayon. Wag ganun. 
Wag mo nalang din ifeel na obligtion mo to. It’s not. Thankful ako anjan ka when i found out and helped me how to deal with it. So wala kna to feel guilty about. Know that im thankful. Sabi mo nga love diba 🥲 Strong girl ako, matapang ako.🥲 I just no longer want you involved in this. I’ll be on my own from now on.
Im not asking u to call na pala, kasi baka isipin mo ang toxic ko na kausap na umiiyak. Hehe
Goodbye. Sorry this has to come to this. Thank you sa lahat. Mahal na mahal kita, always. 😢
Mar 01, 2021/ 05:37am
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okietokiee · 5 years
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Fic: Hjönk, Hjönk
Pairing: Skwisgaar Skwigelf/Toki Wartooth
Rating: M
I was really inspired by @picklespunchedme @bittebecca @sonderrbeee ‘s various fan art of clown!Skwisgaar 😳 thanks so much for letting me write a fic based on your gorgeous art!! 💕 
Summary: 
Skwisgaar makes some especially harsh remarks which cause Toki to start avoiding him, and the lack of contact is really starting to make the Swede’s sex drive go absolutely haywire. 
Fortunately, Skwisgaar comes up with a genius (albeit horrifyingly embarrassing) plan to make it up to his hot-tempered boyfriend lover. 
And Toki positively loves it. Perhaps a little too much. 
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Skwisgaar knew he had fucked up. 
After countless years of brutally harsh, biting criticisms and demeaning insults, Toki had finally had it. Normally he was able to take Skwisgaar’s comments, admittedly not always in a stride, but with minimal bloodshed (most of the time). And he wasn’t even completely sure what was different about today, about the disparaging remarks he’d grown used to throwing out daily. 
Maybe it was the stress of having to record a whole knew album from scratch? The stress of the rising tensions becoming so goddamn obvious lately? He knows he’s not the smartest person around, but you’d have to be blind to not see the cracks forming in their band’s already fragile dynamics. He knows it’s not just affecting Nathan and Pickles.
But whatever the underlying causes were, all it took was an offhand, “That’s was fuckins dildos, dos it agains idiots,” during a slow-moving rehearsal to get Toki raging like a spoiled five-year-old kid told that no, he could not have candy for dinner. 
After screeching and using his flying-V to destroy a fair amount of their studio and sound equipment, Toki had tired himself out and retired to his bedroom. 
He’d also taken to avoiding him for the past week. And maybe the Skwisgaar from a few years ago wouldn’t have (outwardly) cared so much, but ever since they’d shared an earth-shattering, momentous night together just months before, they’d both been inhabiting the same bed for a majority of nights. 
And, though Skwisgaar would rather die a painful death by firing squad than admit it to anyone, Toki had been the only person he’d been sleeping with ever since that night. He loathed to label it as anything serious, but that didn’t change the fact that he was painfully reluctant to break this surprising streak of faithfulness, his longest one yet. 
However, regardless of how much he didn’t want to sleep with anyone that wasn’t a dopey Norwegian guitar player with a penchant for tantrums and hissy fits, that didn’t change the fact that his sex drive was going fucking haywire. 
Storming into the Mordhaus living room, he irritably asked, “Has anyones seens our dildos rhythm guitarist?”
“Eh, I think he went out drinkin’ with thet clown again,” a stoned out Pickles mumbled from the couch. 
“Whats!? I thoughts we puts a restrainings orders on dat creep!”
Nathan sighed from a nearby desk, putting down his book. “Yeah, we did. But you know that kid. He just loves those fucking clowns.”
That unfortunate string of words made an idea pop up in Skwisgaar’s head. 
“…coulds you repeats dat?”
“I said he loves those goddamn clowns.”
“Nos, de odder words!”
Nathan glared, confused. “Those fucking clowns?” 
Skwisgaar grinned manically. “Ja! Dat weirdos loves fucking clowns!”
Pickles could be heard potentially dying of laughter a few feet away. 
Nathan narrowed his eyes, a disgusted grimace on his mouth. “I know you suck at English Skwisgaar, but ugh. That’s some brutal imagery.” 
Skwisgaar, ever the trooper, did not let the revolting thoughts affect him, as his plan was coming to fruition in his mind. Yes, Toki was annoyingly fond of childish gimmicks, clowns included. Toki could never even stay mad at Dr. Rockso, an old drugged-up, strung-out rock-and-roll clown, no matter what shit that creepy asshole put him through.
Yes, he knew what he had to do. He didn’t like it one bit, and it could potentially ruin his reputation completely if word ever got out that he even considered this.
But… 
Skwisgaar bit his lip, his thoughts suddenly full of brown whiskers and childish giggles. 
It would be worth it.
——————
Hours later, Skwisgaar was regretting every single choice he’d ever made in life that had led up to this point. He felt like a fool and looked like one too.
His only solace was that the random klokateer he’d ordered to find him this costume was no longer capable of ever blabbing his secret to anyone, at least in any way that involved a functional mouth. Or hands. 
And now he found himself pacing around Toki’s small room, waiting for the little dildo to get back home. The sound of his baggy blue and yellow pants swishing and the stomping of his large red shoes did nothing to alleviate his growing anxiety. 
Skwisgaar scratched at his neck, careful not to smudge any of the meticulously applied clown make-up he’d taken an hour to perfect. He was vaguely grateful that his experience with corpse paint made this endeavor slightly easier, but also horrified at exactly how naturally circus make-up came to him. 
As he was pondering his deteriorating mental state, he heard the door creak open and a surprised, ear-shattering, absolutely delighted squeal. 
Toki crashed face-first into his chest, holding tighter than a newborn koala to its mother. 
“Oh Odin! Yous a real cool clowns Skwisgaar!” Toki gleefully said, nuzzling the red ruffles around his neck. 
Skwisgaar was glad his red cheeks were camouflaged by the blindingly white paint. 
“Eugh… Ja, I guess I ams,” the Swede nonchalantly agreed, not meeting his lover’s eyes. 
Toki paused from his snuggling, and gazed adoringly up at Skwisgaar’s embarrassed face. 
“Skwisgaar… Dids you do dis because you know Tokis been mads at yous?”
Skwisgaar coughed awkwardly and avoided his gaze. “Maybes if a dumb dildos hadn’t beens avoidins me for sos long, it woulds not haves come to dis…”
Toki smirked. “Yous just proving Toki needs to do dat more often.” 
“Fucks you-!”
“Okej,” Toki cut him off with a contented sigh, cuddling into Skwisgaar’s colorful, silky costume even more.
This was the closest they’d been in a week, and Skwisgaar’s body was responding rather excitedly to their close proximity. 
Toki giggled, feeling the growing hardness coming from Skwisgaar’s loose trousers, and he pulled the Swede over to the bed and pushed him down, crawling right on top of him and going in for a deep, fervent kiss. With the right angle, Toki was able to avoid dislodging the bright red clown nose on his lover’s face. 
With a few well-practiced maneuvers Skwisgaar was able to bring Toki down to only his underwear, but when he made movements to remove his own ridiculous clothes he was stopped by a firm hold. 
“Nos, keeps it on.” Toki’s flushed, erotic expression was very convincing. 
“Ja, fines…” Skwisgaar groaned, canting his hips up, desperate for any kind of friction. 
Toki smiled, reaching for the lube that has been ever-present at his bedside table for the past few months. He took a moment to take in Skwisgaar’s smudged clown make-up and gorgeous, smoldering expression. The juxtaposition was disorienting. 
“Skwisgaar…?” 
“Ja Tokis?” 
“Do yous maybe… I knows we havent’s dones it likes dis yet, but,” Toki mumbled, his face red and expression coquettish, “I think I wants to tries to take it.”
Skwisgaar was at a loss for words, his mind (and body) already overheating. So far Toki had been the only one topping, citing his lack of experience with men and dislike of being dominated as his main reasons for wanting to avoid switching positions. And Skwisgaar hardly cared, always being very satisfied by Toki’s eager enthusiasm.
But the thought of finally being able to become so wholly one with Toki had Skwisgaar’s head spinning and heart racing. 
“Of course älskling, as long as yous ready,” Skwisgaar said, rubbing circles on Toki’s naked hips. 
Toki’s eager nodding was answer enough and then he wiggled out of his underwear. 
Skwisgaar leaned forward to get a hold of the lube, but Toki pushed him back down. 
“Yous just watch for nows,” Toki murmured with a sweet smile, opening the lube to prepare himself. 
Skwisgaar couldn’t handle watching a mewling, trembling Toki Wartooth preparing himself for long without feeling like he was going to literally explode into a cloud of confetti. The Swede pushed his own baggy pants down, not fully taking it off but exposing his painfully erect manhood. He moaned, giving himself a few strokes as he continued watching his lover teasing him. 
Finally, after what felt like eternity, Toki stopped and got another generous dollop of lube for Skwisgaar Jr. before lining himself up on the Swede’s lap. 
Skwisgaar watched enraptured as Toki slowly lowered himself down with a seductive whine and several sensuous movements of his hips. 
“Ah, fuckins hell Toki,” Skwisgaar cried, thrusting up desperately. 
Toki reciprocated in kind with more moans and wet, raunchy kisses, ruining a good portion of Skwisgaar’s make-up. 
As it was getting especially intense, their movements both in sync and frantic, Toki leaned down and did something incredibly peculiar and, honestly, kind of hot, at least to Skwisgaar’s current fucked-out-of-his-mind state. 
“Hjönk, hjönk,” Toki murmured with a smile as he squeezed the large, squeaky clown nose on Skwisgaar’s face with something akin to reverence. All without once pausing his fast, unmerciful pace. 
Skwisgaar was too goddamn horny and in love to question this, and he just responded by increasing his thrusts as well as his volume. 
“Ah, for the loves of Odins, Toki I’ms gonna-” he punctuated with a shout, feeling Toki tighten around him. 
After a long moment of blissful euphoria for both of them, Toki collapsed on top of him, breathing heavily and sneaking a few affectionate kisses along his neck. 
“So ams guessings you not mads anymore?” Skwisgaar snickered, running his fingers through Toki’s now tangled, sexily-ruffled hair. 
Toki giggled and playfully gave Skwisgaar’s big red nose, which surprisingly hadn’t fallen off at all during their vigorous lovemaking, a few more squeezes, filling the small room with obnoxiously loud honking noises. 
“Nah, buts if you does something like dis every time I gets mad at yous then I gonnas make sure to be angry evens more oftens.” Toki chuckled, snuggling up to Skwisgaar’s now cum and sweat stained clown costume. 
Skwisgaar sighed, equal parts hopelessly exasperated and desperately fond. 
“Wells enjoys it while yous cans you dildo, dis ams not likelys to ever, ever happens again,” Skwisgaar said firmly. 
Toki grinned mischievously and lifted himself up.
“I thinks Toki cans change yous mind abouts dat,” he declared proudly, slipping out of bed to walk over to his nearby work desk. He leaned over it enticingly, ass up, giving Skwisgaar the most pornographic come-hither look the Swede had ever seen. 
“Comes over heres and let’s me convince yous,” Toki murmured suggestively, giving his cute butt a little shake. 
And that night was the first of many that the halls of Mordhaus were filled with the echos of passionate Scandinavian honking and lovemaking. 
——————
I don’t think Hjönk actually translates to anything but god I love that word LOL 
Also, sorry for any weird mistakes I didn’t catch! I’ll edit it and maybe add some extra stuff soon and then post it on ao3 :D
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ninatastic · 5 years
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@kay-licious how dare u (thanks <3) @silent-calling youre doing amazing sweetie
1. Are looks important in a relationship?
I wouldnt call it a key factor but it’s important to feel attraction towards your partner
2. Are relationships ever worth it?
sure! If it’s a healthy one definitely :D
3. Are you a virgin?
nah 
4. Are you in a relationship?
yeh!
5. Are you in love?
I’d say so!
6. Are you single this year?
no
7. Can you commit to one person?
yes
8. Describe your crush
it me bf
9. Describe your perfect mate
same as above c: 
10. Do you believe in love at first sight?
no, only when it comes to animals c;
11. Do you ever want to get married?
thats a dream of mine tbh
12. Do you forgive betrayal?
I guess every healthy person would say no but yes, I’d absolutely do (only the first time tho, after the second time you gotta ask yourself if it’s really worth it)
13. Do you get jealous easily?
in regard to my bf: I used to but it’s a hell of a lot less nowadays. In regard to people in general, sometimes, especially when im not doing well mentally
14. Do you have a crush on anyone?
me bf
15. Do you have any piercings?
just have my ears pierced!
16. Do you have any tattoos?
no but maybe soon
17. Do you like kissing in public?
only if its sweet forehead or cheek kisses, or quick kisses on the mouth or hand kisses
20. Do you shower every day?
yes though I gotta admit I really have to force myself. Not because I like being stinky but because everything is kinda difficult sometimes
21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?
bruh I sure hope my bf does;;
22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
nah
23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
I’ve been in a relationship for 5 and a half years now, I think so
24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
it is possible but who tf knows
25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?
idk, to be frank: I think my life would be a bit easier if I wasnt in a relationship, or if I hadnt been in a relationship for the past 1-2 years. And I often feel like im more of a burden to my bf than anything else. But thats a different story
26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
as in losing touch with me? I guess so
27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?
a song yes and it was awkward as hell ajhajdfha and people have done drawings for me which is <3<3<3<3<3<<3<3<33
28. Have you ever been cheated on?
Yup
29. Have you ever cheated on someone?
very very unfortunately yes, and just like a bunch of you guys I was this close to killing myself. I was in a very bad place which I know is not an excuse for this. I still think about it even if it’s been a time since then but I think I cqan never forgive myself because of that
30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?
often but im too much of a scared cat dsfskjf  idk though, I would love to be much more petite size wise
31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?
oh often
32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?
yeah;; I’m not exactly pretty or popular, so puberty was hard
33. Have you ever had sex with a man?
hell yeah
34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?
:( no
35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
yeh!!
36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?
Yeah and it’s difficult to be normal then aaaaaahhhhhhh
37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
some of my friends have a strong disliking towards my current bf but i dont know if you can call it hate
38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
yeah and it ruined me for a while
39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
uuuuhh not really I think
40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?
whenever I write bday cards I always put a poem in it :D
41. Have you had sex so far this year?
hella
42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?
depends on how thirsty I am
43. How long was your longest relationship?
5 and a half years and counting
44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?
2-3
45. How many people did you kiss in 2011?
uuhh I was 14, no one 
46. How many times did you have sex last year?
HELLA
47. How old are you?
22 my dudes
48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
I#d try to play it cool because internally I’m panicking, someone help me
49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?
I love about my bf how you can ALWAYS count on him when shit gets down, even if he hasnt talked to a friend for a good while and they’re like “hey I need you”, he’ll be there in a sec Also that he is still able to surprise me
50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
jsdfhsjdfks GO AWAY, I’d say while closing the door and shutting the blinds quicker than lightning
51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?
yeah, but that’s probably because I have bpd and depressions
52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?
yeah, I tried to help them on all occassions, so much that I ruined my own life partially and made myself sick. But whatever I did or said, they apparently want to suffer, so i gave up trying. 
53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
yeah my abuser probably
54. Is there someone you will never forget?
unfortunately yes and fortunately yes
55. Share a relationship story.
uuuuuuhhhhh; I dont really know what to write here. Guess I’ll never forget when my bf held a kitten (which was only a week old) in his hands and he almost cried because he loved the baby so much. Haha, he was afraid of crushing it though because it was much smaller than the palms of his hands
56. State 8 facts about your body
I gained a lot of weight since last year which is why I avoid posting or taking pics, but according to everyone else you dont see it that much (?); my hair is getting its natural curliness back; I fucked up my knee so I’ll have knee surgery next year; I bruise easily; I have a shit ton of scars; I love my super green eyes; I have thicc thighs and if I’m very emotional I get red spots all over my body
57. Things you want to say to an ex
to my first ever bf: fuck u lmao to the second bf I had: I’m so sorry for everything and I hope that you found your place :)
58. What are five ways to win your heart?
uuuhhh be sweet and understanding, be funny, be somewhat smart, dont be a mean asshole and be nice to other people (especially kids) and animals and also be able to be fascinated by small things 
59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)
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yikes
60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?
my current bf is 8 years older than me
61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?
how open and nice they are? Idk I always choose my ppl to hang out with according to this
62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?
even though I’m a switch I have a big preference for being the sub, so if someone can dominate me and yknow do stull like carry me princess style or something im all like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
63. What is your definition of “having sex”?
everything that comes after kissing imo
64. What is your definition of cheating?
I think as soon as you try to pursue someone emotionally that already counts as cheating
65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?
kissing, grinding, I love when someone talks dirty to me
66. What is your favourite roleplay?
if it aint too much of a tmi i’d love to admit that we have a collar and a leash so (not thinking about pet play uughfjhjsdfkhsd, just yknow someone is able to drag me to them like this or being held in place while being taken from behind is p nice)
67. What is your idea of the perfect date?
something something being outside in the nature and also good food 
68. What is your sexual orientation?
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69. What turns you off?
super super wet kisses where also my nose somehow gets stuck in someone elses mouth Like dude r u a vacuum cleaner sdfhsdkjhfks
70. What turns you on?
being manhandled
71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?
idk I dont really have a lot of wet dreams and usually theyre not very kinky but rather sweet and slow 
72. What words do you like to hear during sex?
I like dirty talk, so imma leave that open 
73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?
i love to get flowers, or lil stuff that reminds us of our friendship or something, self made/home made stuff is always !!!!!!!!!!!!
74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?
probably hands? I love it when girls have super slender hands and when boys have rough and big hands
75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?
I already answered that c:
76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?
I have a few stories I’m proud of! But I really love this one: When I was little I grew up in a village in which like 300-400 people lived (maximum) and next to us lived this sweet older couple who always gave us sweets and vegetable for our parents, or they brought us stuff from when they went on vacation. The man is now constantly sick, he suffers from parkinson and you see the early statges of dementia setting in. A while ago he wanted to go and get the German version of fish and chips with his wife but due to him needing a ton of surgeriesw constantly he wasnt able to go out with his wife. When my mom told me this I was like wtf u cant just tell me this, I’m too soft. So I went and got fish and chips from the best market around us for him and flowers for his wife, despite the fact that I havent seen them in YEARS. When I arrived at their front door both of them hugged me and cried a bit
77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?
not bad if everything is consensual and if there’s a power balance thats equal 
78. What’s your dirtiest secret?
I think the leash thing is one of the kinkiest things we’ve ever done tbh
79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?
yesterday a bit when my bf went out wth friends and had a few beers while I was stuck at home with the thought that I can never have a beer again dkadfjahdf as stupid as that sounds but I always enjoyed these chill evenings with a beer and friends
80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
this morning when I cuddled my cats :D
81. Who are five people you find attractive?
my bf and many videogame and anime characters, also my best female friend is hella attractive, also some of my friends are to die for
82. Who is the last person you hugged?
my bf!!
83. Who was your first kiss with?
my first bf sdfjsdfs
84. Why did your last relationship fail?
it didnt really work out, it seemed as he was more interested in saying “hey im in a relationship!” than in me, hah;;
85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?
yeah, sure
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chronicroderick · 6 years
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Dallas Winston Hdcs
K so imma make these and please dont hate :) just my ideas :) love you :)
I really needed to write this. I havent been able to write in months. And i needed to get this off my chest and work through some things. So enjoy this SAD ASS PEICE OF WORK THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY. :)))
THIS SHIT IS SAD WHAT THE HELL I DIDN'T MEAN TO I SWEAR IM SO SORRY
Short as heCK. We're talking 5'5. Says he's 5'6.
Still really good at fighting despite the fact,,, duh
Blonde, pale, icy eyes blah blah but my GAWD this boy with a sunburn is like looking at a peice of art. You can't look away. It's a beautiful red tone even when it peels
Which is often
Causes he refuses to wear sunblock, cause he's a lil bitch
He stays over people's houses, like the Curtis's especially since Mrs.Curtis was like a second mom to him all his like, man did he adore her. or Buck's or whatever, but he HAS A HOME WHERE HE LIVES.
It's with his mother and step-father. He has two older siblings that he's never met that are his half siblings on his dad's side.
His older sister is a stripper in Vegas and his older brother is a Navy Seal.
Dal can't remember their names most of the time cause he never talks about them. So he says what sounds right at the moment.
His dad is in prison. Has been since the week after Dallas was concieved. His parents knew it was coming because Dal's dad turned himself in the day after conceiving.
His dad had shot two men after getting jumped by a group of five. His dad had decided not to kill the others and got away with Dal's uncle, who later snitched on Dallas's dad.
This had happened at a strip club
That broke Dal's mom's heart even more
It didn't bother Dallas for a long time. He even made jokes about it.
When it first started to hurt he said his dad was "on a long buissness trip". That was 5th grade. Kids his age and some older kids made fun of Dal's situation.
A kids made fun of Dal from Kindergarten to 5th grade.
They took his most prized belongings, blackmailed him, stole from him, excluded him, locked him in rooms alone, said they were going to kill his pets, called him useless, crybaby, and over all made him feel helpless.
They only stopped when Dallas got violent and loud and physically fought back. So that's what he kept doing.
Which was sad, because Dal was a sweet kid inside and out.
It got worse 6th through 9th grade. He was meaner, but a lot of new kids meant a lot of new assholes.
People made up rumors that Dal was gay.
Think up all the worst things you could call someone pertaining to them being gay, and Dallas has heard it.
He was emo in 7th grade (fight me)
That's when he started to get hard and tough and hate the world and himself.
Started smoking cigarettes 8th grade year at 14. Started popping pain pills once a day, one day a month August of 8th grade. Had his first and only pot brownie 8th grade summer.
Didn't stop popping pills or hating himself until November of 9th grade year. He decided drugs were pathetic. Hating himself was pathetic. So he stopped altogether.
Is ashamed of how long he took pills and thinks the time line may be shorter than that but it's fine.
Fell in love in 7th grade. She moved. He doesn't know if she really ever loved him. He knows she didn't. It wrecked him when she left.
He knows all kids go through drug use/emo/angsty phase like he did so he's not too hard on himself about that.
Fell in love in 9th grade again. He thinks. He doesn't really know if he can love. Didn't believe in it for a long time, but now he feels like maybe he doesn't understand how to romatically love someone.
She helped him realize that the the angsty thing needed to stop, without her even realizing it. Cause he felt like he needed to take care of her.
She broke his heart when he gave it to her, which took a shit ton of coaxing from his friends.
She broke it cause she was scared of him, intimidated and scared.
Hadn't cried in a long time. Cried over her.
Had many friends with benefits starting from 7th grade. Pulled all the hot girls, but they made him swear to tell no one.
He always tells his friends
He always ends it cause he loses interest or feels they are too needy.
Had his first kiss in 2nd grade. His second in 9th grade with a girl he had hung out with for two hours. Made out with her heavily within the next hour.
Broke up with her two days later
Met Sylvia his sophmore year. Dated her on and off until he broke up with her like in the book.
Moved to New York in end of 5th grade and moved back to Tulsa beginning of 9th grade. Moved cause his mom got married. And then moved again cause she got divorced and remarried to his now step-dad.
His father being in jail didn't hurt again until the summer of 9th grade. He just wanted his dad to be proud of him.
HAS MET HIS DAD AND VISTED HIM AND WROTE TO HIM AND TALKED TO HIM ON THE PHONE SINCE HE WAS LITTLE
9th grade summer though was the most character development and emotional development for Dallas EVER.
Talked to his dad a lot and saw him on father's day that year
Found out his dad is real proud of him and thinks he's an amazing kid, and is glad Dallas is his own person.
Dallas just has to remember that sometimes
He still doesnt like his dad, because his dad is an asshole and he hates that his dad is in prison, but he doesn't care if he gets out either
Overall though, Dallas feels he has a lot to be happy for. Despite the mean people in his life he had a lot of close friends too. He just has to remind himself of all this sad twisted shit in his life or he feels invalidated, like he's a poser and has no reason to be a hoodlum. Not that he needs a reason, but ya know what i mean. Because his mother loves him. His step-dad loves him in a way. He loves himself. He loves life. He loves his bestfriends. He loves Johnny. He loves girls. He loves the color of the sky. He loves purple flowers. He loves dinosaurs. He loves Elvis. He loves swimming. He loves music. He loves fights. He loves the sunrise. And he loves life itself. He just doesn't talk about it all that much, but, no one really asks him, now do they?
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vonseal · 7 years
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what im weak for this week
SOOOOO i haven’t done one of these in almost a month! i think it’s high-time to get back on track again! hopefully i can come out with the next one on the 11th instead of a month later.
this is long. like srsly long. like wow. it took me an hour. i could’ve written a whole fic.
call me maybe by shinigamibutter
i’ve got this weird thing with library aus. i love them. maybe it's because libraries are elusive and mysterious to me now (i checked out a book back in middle school, i still have it on my bookshelf and im too scared to return it), but they’re something so nice about libraries. also there’s something so nice about SOCKY and MYUNGJIN and BINU all in one lil fic, holla for a dolla! this is really nice and cute and i loved reading it! <3
out of my league by koutarous
BINU!!! DRINKING TOO MUCH (bad bin)!!! i loved this prompt and @shouldveheldon did it so much justice, it’s unbelievable how good it is (but i’ve never been disappointed from her writing). the set-up is good and even if bin should lay off on the alcohol a bit, at least it got him a cute guy’s number, AMIRITE.
i’ll pick the white and fluffy clouds from the sky for you by spaceviolet (vividplum)
did you guys know im a fan of the cute fluff? did you guys know im a fan of the socky? did you guys know im a fan if you combine both those things? heck yes man, this combination was so amazing and perfect. ALSO, ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIP??? im in, im so in.
Does Lonileness Ever Truly End? by MidnightsDeath
i should stop writing angsty stuff bc people take it as inspiration to make even angstier stuff and then im all sad and depressed lol. especially WHEN I STARTS HELLA CUTE WITH MYUNGJIN. thank you for writing this, and thank you for making me cry and ruin my makeup haha.
(my) hot antagonist by rubanrose
we’ve been getting this nice influx of moonrock here lately, and seal approves. i mean, tbc was basically moonrock (did you see the way bin smiled when he brought up rocky???). ALSO ANOTHER ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIP, YES. and just moonbin and rocky being cute dorks together and making my heart die of fluff, wow <3
you captured my heart by binubin
some people say that the fake boyfriend au is overdone. i say it’s UNDERdone. like, seriously, i love the idea of people pretending to date and then legit falling in love (the proposal is one of my favorite movies if you guys wanted to know), and WOW IM SO HAPPY THIS ONE EXISTS! bin is a photographer and dongmin is a (un?)willing subject, and i just want you guys to read it. it’ll be six chapters of awesome sauce.
home is wherever the heart is by diametrical
NO GUYS YOU DONT UNDERSTAND THAT DOMESTIC AUS ARE JUST THE GREATEST!!!! AND MYUNGJIN???? DOMESTIC???? wow, just shoot me now, @leedeermin, bc you stole my heart already. i thought nothing could top binu domestic au, BUT THIS DID (mostly bc myungjin > everything for me, im trash, send help). thank youuuu for this, it’s all i needed in life 
i get to love you by asteraa
aka, lanna still tryin to make up for making me sob over trains to busan au. well it worked. it worked so so so well. and the song choice for the end I HAVE IT ON MY PHONE BC OF THIS NOW WOW i get emo over it thank you so much. this is all around just funny and cute and heart-wrenching and fluffy and perfect.
moving on by slaymyseoul
your username conveys perfectly what you’ve done to me, @slaymyseoul: you slayed my soul. slayed it hard. slayed it nasty. and then you acted all happy in the end notes like you didn’t just slaughter a thousand hearts all at once. this binu just...all 700 words of it just ruined me for the rest of my life. you’re such a good author and it shows in my tears.
baby by beifomg
tbh now all i can think in my head is BABY whenever they call each other that, bless astro and their bitchin tunes. NAH BUT THIS FIC is so pure??? so so so pure and i just wanted to touch the screen and somehow lengthen the story with nothing but this pure moment between eunwoo and binnie. at least im so happy this was created, it’s perfection.
Let's go on an adventure! by Rach4040
BINU!!! CUTE BINUUUU!!! also rulebreaker binnie and SUDDEN RULEBREAKER EUNWOO??? i love the idea of cute, romantic teens going off in the middle of the night just to be cute and pure and getting back home in the morning and knowing they won’t get any sleep and will be utterly exhausted all day, but it’s worth it because they love each other AND THATS WHAT THIS IS!!! it’s so cute, gosh golly.
rock show by roobix
i know a few people wanted bartender jinwoo, which i might still write, but i think this one is even better than what i could ever do. it was so short and i longed for more BUT MAN what we did get was fantastic (and made me imagine bartender jinwoo, haha yessss)
oh, the stars shine by parkjinchu
the stars shine for @parkjinchu and HER BEAUTIFUL FICS!!! i missed her writing in the lull after the year we met (go check it out, go check it out on her page, wow i cry), but she’s back with DOMESTICCCCC (im so happy with all this domestic we’re getting) JINCHA!!! why is there not more jincha, they work so well together. (i’d write it but also im myungjin trash, i cant escape my hell). also cute new parents peeking over a bed at their fragile baby just warms my heart (also, relatable, how do you touch a baby without breaking him)
summer paradise by aseuteuro
nopenopenopenope. i shouldnt recommend this, so dont read it unless you want to cry at work like seal did (not safe for work, bc you CRY). it’s binu and i sorta expected it to be happy despite the angst warning in the tags (im not smart, i dont claim to be intelligent) but it WASNT, it just RIPPED MY HEART OUT, HOW DARE
colour me by heybinnie
i will be honest, i dont normally read reader-insert fics like this, but i thought, “it’s @heybinnie and she’s perfect so i bet it will be perfect.” guess what? it was. it was so dreamy and beautiful and breathtaking, and i seriously cannot wait to figure it all out! (JINWOO SELLS DRUGS, PASS IT ON)
flytrap by tinytaeil
MYUNGJIN, i thought. METAPHORS, i thought again. BEAUTIFUL WRITING WOW IM JEALOUS, i thought once more. and then it ends with my cries, why can’t jinwoo just LOVE and have HAPPINESS, why this, why the poor fly, why the amazing description and flowing narrative??? tbh, i think this fic was a flytrap.
forbidden love by jiminaddiction
MORE MOONROCK! look at us getting blessed with all this moonrock. i love this one a lot bc minhyuk is deaf and bin is colorblind, but WOW they’re so adorable and blushy around each other! each chapter that comes out makes me so happy and excited, and i can’t wait for more of it!
Loop by ContraryNonsense
WOW MAN THIS IS SO INTRIGUING!!! i dont read tags, tbh, i just click at this point when i see the description, so i didn’t expect the ending to the first chapter (then i read the tags and thought, “gotta trudge past the angst to get to the happy ending.”) and we’re ALMOST THERE!!! ONE MORE CHAPTER!!! definitely read this, pls do so, it deserve so much more hits than it’s got.
where soil lies, a new beginning blooms by @vocalpmh
THIS WAS INSPIRED BY WITCHCRAFT WHICH>????? how did i do anything to deserve this amazing piece of perfection??? i still read it a lot, it’s one of my go-tos when im feeling down, and im so blessed you gifted it to me, i just absolutely ADORE this fic. pls pls pls read, it’s pure and perfect myungjin (also butt groping, my legacy spreads)
breadtrayed by @glowingjinjin
that pun. get in my home, lanna, i need your puns. i think we had a discussion bc i actually dont like bread all that much but NO WHAT HAS BREAD EVER DONE TO ME??? or to eunwoo, who apparently can find time to bag up a bunch of bread, what a great boyfriend.
a love stronger than furniture by @glowingjinjin
stop writing funny fics to make up for train to busan, you can’t replace my broken heart. IDK THO THIS CAME CLOSE TO DOING SO!!! everything about it was perfect, and you’re so amazing with writing these cutsie fics??? (and then you’ll turn around and rip out my heart, i know you will)
witch coven au by @astrofireworks
i still havent read the newest addition, but i have it up right now to read after i post this. i love your imagination. i love your ideas, i just need to tap into your brain and steal some of this brilliance, thank you very much
UPDATED FICS FROM LAST WEEK MONTH??? -
because of hani by gachigallae - have i mentioned how much i love these kids and domestic stuff??? because i do, i truly seriously do, and i love this fic and bin’s affection for dongmin’s daughter is so cute
5+1 by heybinnie - this makes my heart wrench, but in a good way, and makes me realize how fantastic of a leader jinwoo is to these boys.
stray romance by alette - @alette-stars done did it again, stole my heart and made binnie and dongmin both all so jealous, wow this is cute
medley by sassysavagesanha (RedJusticeLibra) - QUEEN OF SOCKY!!! MORE SOCKY FOR ME!!! more socky for you if you click right now, guaranteed you’ll enjoy it
short moments by Mieun (snowsketch) - i love these cute little movements, and new chapters always make me so happy, especially the myungjin in the last chapter!
inked by jinwoosmile - i figured you out, @jinwoosmile. you tryin to get me to cry. and you succeeded, congrats, you can stop bashing my heart apart now.
leave me dreaming by desiderate - im hooked. im so so so so hooked and idk how it’ll end but im so anticipating whatever happens because it’s such good writing so i know it’ll be fantastic (even if i’ve been so sad with this lol)
the language of flowers by birdbrainberke - I LOVED THIS PROMPT so obvs i love this fic, especially bc it’s @payneinthearsenal, who really knows how to write amazing fics.!!!
and if you ever have anything you think i need to check out, hit me up with that fic, fams. i dont even care if it’s your own. i check a03 regularly, so if it’s something posted elsewhere, pls let me know!
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kristie-rp · 5 years
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[2018] Michael & Lucas: Origins
When Michael is born, his parents name him Mizushima Miko. He is their second son: his older brother is Mizushima Juuki. Juuki immediately adores Miko; he’s fascinated and spends as much time as he can watching over his little brother. It’s actually a considerable amount of time: he is still too young to go to school, and his parents are too paranoid to trust a sitter – but they are also far too busy to make time to actually look after their children. 
Juuki is primarily alive at this point thanks to an aunt that visits at least once a week, a woman who claims to be their mothers sister and who looks absolutely nothing like either of their parents. Tamie, the woman he calls aunt, teaches him everything he can grasp to make baby Miko’s life easier. 
It’s enough, in many ways. Miko grows up both easier and harder than Juuki. The youngest boy is not comfortable around his parents, is quiet and watchful whenever possible. He learns young that it is more effective to babble at Juuki after prolonged periods of quiet than it is to cry, because if he cries, one of his parents may come in. 
One of Miko’s earliest memories – certainly the first to involve either of his parents – is of his mother leaning down into his crib. She is wearing all black, with a scarf of sorts around her neck, and something protruding from her back, held in place by a strap. In the memory, he stares first at the tail end of a military-issue machine gun that is on his mothers back as she kisses his tiny cheek, and then at her face as she pulls the scarf up to cover everything except for her eyes. “Sleep well, my precious baby,” she says in the memory, and then disappears into the night. 
They grow up in a house that is big and empty, surprisingly so considering Aunt Tamie and their parents and their parents co-workers are coming and going all the time. Juuki continues to do everything he can to raise Miko without attracting their parents attention, and they never talk about it. To Miko, this is normal; to Juuki, this is better. Tamie especially expresses her pride in him, over and over again, and tells them in her own gruff way that she is there for them before either of their parents. 
It is not until Miko is old enough to be sort-of independent that the two boys are sent away to a boarding school outside the city their parents house is in. Tamie tells them it is an international school, and that it is for the best. Their parents say it is in their own best interests to go without complaint, and Juuki doesn’t complain, because he knows by now that having an armoury as an accepted norm in his childhood is not a good thing, and he’d rather Miko escape it. Miko doesn’t complain because he takes too many cues from Juuki, and doesn’t feel enough attachment to either of his parents to protest. It’s not that they’re negligent (though they are) or distant, exactly; it’s just that Juuki is a better caregiver than them, and his brother is only three years older. 
Juuki takes to math and socialising with absolutely anyone who will talk to him. He finds it impossible to be consistent: to his desk partner in math, he is intelligent and quick-witted, to the girl who sits with him at lunch, he is quiet and sarcastic. There are more personalities that he tries on the same way others try on clothes, and the only one that sticks is the caring older brother. 
Miko takes to school in general, but he does not get flawless grades. He averages B’s and C’s and to Juuki he seems quietly content, though he worries that his little brother is having trouble interacting with other people. It’s not a baseless concern, it’s a fair one: Miko did not know other people when they lived in their parents house, and was always content to depend on Juuki for whatever company he wanted. That continues as months turn into years at the international school, and for all Juuki wishes Miko would learn to do more, he seems perfectly satisfied with offering shy smiles to whoever Juuki forces him to hang around with. 
Juuki resolves to do something to help Miko, because this can’t be healthy – except before anything can change, Tamie appears to pick them up from school. She does not explain to the headmaster or teachers or to Miko and Juuki, instead bundling them into her car. It’s black and inconspicuous. Juuki finds a pistol in the glovebox when he reaches for the gum she used to keep there, and stares at her with wide eyes, weapon limp in his hands. “Auntie?” 
“I have some bad news,” she says as lightly as she can. 
From the backseat, Miko clears his throat. “Did our parents get executed for betraying Yakuza?” 
Juuki whips around to stare at his little brother, wide eyed. He knows his parents aren’t the best people, aren’t necessarily nice, but they aren’t abusive. But Miko sounds so certain, so matter of fact, that he’s inclined to believe it. After all, Miko is the observant one. He’s the one who would know. 
Tamie’s hands are white where they grip the steering wheel, and she directs Juuki to dig through the glovebox to find the papers she actually meant for him to find. There is a passport there for each of them, and plane tickets. They are Japanese passports, which makes sense, considering they are Japanese – but the names are written in English characters, not Kanji or Hiragana or Katakana. Juuki squints at it, interpreting the Romanized characters only thanks to the past few years of English classes. “Lucas?” he asks slowly, reading the name from alongside his own face. “And – Michael?” 
“Your idiot parents,” Tamie starts. She pauses to clear her throat. “Your brother is correct. Your parents are – were – Yakuza, and they made mistakes. Their superiors found out.” She softens her voice to say, “I’m sorry, Juuki, but your parents are dead.” 
He stops for a moment then, processing. “But then – what? I want to see them.” 
“No, you don’t,” Miko says quietly. Still in the backseat, he does not move. “It’ll be better if you remember them alive. Then you – we – get to pretend. Right?”
Tamie nods once, sharply – slowly. For all she isn’t really their aunt, at least not biologically, she does care for them. That is part of why she is here now. “I want you both to know that lying to you has been difficult.” 
Miko swallows, Juuki rubs at his eyes. He doesn’t want to be sad that his parents are gone – they really, really haven’t ever been that great – but he can’t help it. They were more attentive with him than they were with Miko; that’s just a fact, a consequence of him being an only child for a few years. “What’s that supposed to mean?” Juuki asks. His voice has risen an octave. 
And Tamie talks and talks and talks, explaining everything. How their parents are, were, high ranking Yakuza, high enough to be a problem, but not high enough to be on top. About how their home has been a base of operations for much longer than Juuki has been alive, that it has only been a permanent residence for just that long. How their parents are too proud to split custody, about how it took Tamie most of Miko’s life to convince them that it would be best to send them to an international school to learn, to pick up skills and contacts that would make them useful to them in the long run. And she talks about how her name really is Tamie, and no, she isn’t really related to them. She is Japanese-Filipino, which explains why Juuki always believed that she wasn’t their biological aunt, and she was chosen to be one of three undercover Interpol agents infiltrating the Yakuza. It just so happened that Tamie’s in was their parents. She explains in great detail how she has never precisely cared for their parents except in the way you might care for a distant cousin, but that she has always loved Juuki, and always loved Miko, as long as they’ve been alive. This has been her mission for as long as Juuki has been alive, if not a little longer – she is vague on the details – but when the higherups got word that there was a leak within the Yakuza, and investigated enough to pick up the one that existed between Tamie and their parents, well – she is absolutely certain that twisting the arm of her handler until she had a way out of the country for the boys she loves like her own is the right thing to do. And that’s why she did it. 
“So,” she finishes awkwardly, “I, um. If you want, they’ve agreed to let me have sole custody of the two of you. But we cannot stay here, or anywhere in Japan – there is too much risk that the Yakuza will track you. Which is why your passports have American names on them.” She pauses and bites her lip, and it’s such an unusual show of uncertainty on her that Juuki almost smiles. “You wouldn’t be able to be Miko and Juuki any more, except when you are absolutely certain you’re in private. And I can’t guarantee your safety forever, but I know – I will do everything in my power to give you normal lives. As much as can be expected.” 
Juuki – Lucas, now, he supposes – listens, and he wonders if it would be cruel to point out that she has not given them much of a choice. It is no choice, really, when their options are either to reject her and end up alone in a foreign country where Miko – Michael – does not speak the language, and Lucas can barely read it – or they can accept her offer, and get something like a trusted relative out of this. 
It’s no offer at all, really. 
“We want whatever you can provide,” Miko says – Michael says. Lucas pinches himself. Michael, Michael, Michael.
He resolves then that he will do anything to keep his little brother out of trouble, no matter what level of his own integrity it challenges. He can do this one thing for him, be there for him in a way their parents never were. 
It’s the least he could do, really – or at least as he sees it.
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Last Night into Today
I suffered with my first full blown anxiety attack last night. 2 months ago I went off of one of my medications because it was giving me side effects and I had been doing really well for about 4 years. Well I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with not feeling confident at my internship, graduating this year from Grad School and taking my LSW exam. Especially with finding a job and moving out in a year because everything I have written about my home life so far is true and just keeps getting worse. Well I broke down last night in the library part of our house. Sat there for 10......15.......20 minutes just breathing, crying, tensing up and tapping my finger trying to calm down. I had to make my therapist appointment but was unable to drive because I was shaking so bad. I wanted to ask my dad to drive but I knew my mom would be incredibly judgmental about it so I sat there until 15 minutes before we were suppose to meet. I emailed her and she had said she would call me at our appointment time. I was standing there shaking, my dad was waiting for the computer (btw both my parents ignored me for about the 20 minutes I was sitting there) until he saw saw I guess the look on my face and my posture and asked what was wrong. I didn’t know, I had never had an anxiety attack before I just wanted to go upstairs but he wanted me to sit next to him. I did and he held me as I slowly began to calm down. I was doing great until my mom came in. Before she came in as I was sitting with my dad she ignored me and kept asking questions about what my dad wanted to eat in the fridge and looking for validation on how great her cooking is (her food tastes like shit). When she sat down she got to her judgy self. Asking if I needed more medication. Anyone who knows me knows never to ask that because I am very intuned with myself and know when I need more or if I am ok. I had explained that to my dad before I sat down next to him, with my mom in the next room able to hear. She asked what happened and I told her I was having an anxiety attack, I mentioned I looked up the symptoms because I wanted her to believe me. She cuts me off right away saying “no you are not”. NO I am not WHAT? Having an anxiety attack? do you know what I am feeling? What I am thinking? She went on about how she is going to say this even though I “always think she is wrong and tell her that all the time” First off I never tell her that, maybe back in high school when I was going through whatever I was going through before i went to main and before I was diagnosed right. (Which she knew the real diagnosis and never told me). The only time I can remember I told her she was wrong was when she told me to use alcohol on my belly piercing or take it out because I had irritated it. This was incorrect because the piercers had told me this and taking it out can cause further complications. Anyway she basically does what she always does and makes it about her. However this was the first time she ever sat down with me. When I would have outbursts in High School she would leave my dad to take care of me while she cried in the other room about ‘why was this happening to her?’ ‘What did she do wrong?’ Then would proceed to ignore me for two weeks because she was hurt or whatever. She sat down and didnt hug me, she just sat there. Finally my therapist called in the middle of her shitty speech, which I had to respond to because there was no way to call her back because the number was blocked. She then gets angry at me and gets up and walks away. My anxiety attack comes back.........
Fast Forward to about a half hour ago. I am talking with my mom about my issues when I was younger and mentioned how I was ok now. She brings up last night. I tell her I do not like when people mention medication. She told me that I do not understand how me and hurtful I can be to her when I get like that. I was fuming. I mentioned to her that last night had nothing to do with her. I was freaking out. As I told her this she cut me off in her judgmental voice, attitude and facial expression and said “I don’t want to talk about this”. She didnt want to talk about it because I was standing up for myself instead of begging for her to forgive me (which is what I did in the past when she would not speak to me for two weeks). I told her again it had nothing to do with her and that my therapist had called and she says very judgmentally ‘I guess ****** is so smart’ and walks into the other room. (sorry guys no names). Then she goes on about what color hat to make next and starts talking about herself or whatever. I could have slapped her. I know this is terrible to say but my mother is a shitty, narcissistic, self-centered and mean person. And to be honest I truly believe there is a special place in hell for people like her. 
Side note: I know that after my parents (especially my mother) have seen me freak out like this. That is all they will associate me with, that I havent changed or that I am (still) broken. Because in my opinion all they honestly (MAINLY MY MOTHER) focus on is my fuck ups, not the millions of times I have shown I was different, improved or matured but my fuck ups
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