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mvnvgedmischief · 3 months

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unremarkable days: Sirius black is trying to be a good man, a good brother, a good person. Sirius has a steady job designing book covers for a publishing house, a flat he never leaves, and a traumatized brother who was just removed from the custody of his parents. All in all, it's wildly unremarkable.

archive tags: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Regulus Black, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), ok so this is mostly just sirius trying to take care of a traumatized regulus, Modern AU, Sirius trying to be a father figure, to his brother who was just removed from his home, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Artist Sirius Black, Writer Remus Lupin, Young Regulus Black, Past Child Abuse, Trauma, everyone is sad, Custody Battle, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Past Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Domestic Violence

words: 93511 chapters: 25/?

this is kind of my baby in terms of fics i’ve written, i love it so much. it will probably end up around 30 chapters, but lord knows. artist!sirius x writer!remus in a modern take on a high society young adult recovering from his fall from grace while trying to hide his sexuality, take care of his brother, and fall in love. will his secret self destruction be the only thing that stands between him and the future he wants?

read it on ao3 here, full chap under the cut!

Sirius felt awful that Remus had to walk into this conversation. He didn’t enjoy that his life was going to shit in front of him, especially in front of Remus. Sirius was embarrassed. He was ashamed of himself, of his life, of everything. It felt like yesterday, Remus was digging around in his business, and trying to sus out whether or not to be embarrassed of his own past. But now here they were, Sirius’s chaos boiling over in a way that he wondered if Remus’s ever had. They had touched on it, of course. Throughout the nights in his bedroom, or out on the fire escape, and it was in the book. Sirius knew it was in the book, he read it cover to cover, but they didn’t discuss it much. Maybe it was out of fear, that if he asked Remus to open up he would have to. But right now, the acrid stench of failure filled his nostrils, and his face twisted into something between a grimace and a smirk as he turned his doorknob and entered the flat.

“I’m sorry in advance.”

“No need,” came the gentle reply from behind him. It felt like Remus’s voice was all Sirius needed to find the strength to open that door. He silently made his way back to his couch, leaving room for Remus to sit beside him. Thankfully, Remus had the sense not to sit too far from Sirius, lest he spontaneously burst into sobs and need someone to gather him up and remove him from the room.

“What’s the plan, Sirius?” Sev asked, not even bothering to greet Remus. The tension between the three of them could be cut with a knife, and Sirius wondered just how much feeling out of place Remus would be willing to put up with.

“I don’t know yet—“ Sirius began, only to be cut off.

“Of course you don’t.” Severus spat, his tone cutting through Sirius to his core. He was failing Regulus yet again. Like he had all of those times he didn’t protect the boy, like he did when he left.

“He’ll know after the intake,” Remus replied with ease, cutting into the conversation like an expert. “Hospitalizations, medical programs, and the like don’t run on our timeline no matter how much we want them to.”

Sirius felt a short sigh fall between his lips, but it still caught him off guard. He didn’t expect to be making any noise, he just expected to be yelled at by Severus, glared at by Regulus, and get the occasional reassuring hand squeeze from Remus. He didn’t expect Remus to come in here like a knight in shining armor and advocate for him and his mental health.

“They’re not going to tell Sirius all that much about anything. Sure, he’ll get hours, behavior expectations, treatment options, and the like. But the nitty-gritty details and such that you’re all going to want to know are not going to be conversations they have with him.”

Sirius didn’t know that, which is really bothered him. He didn’t know there was going to be information that he wouldn’t get. He wanted to interrupt, but Remus gave him an easy smile.

“They’ll tell you what you need to know, love. They’re just not going to bog you down with the logistics. That’ll probably go through James and to Regulus directly.”

Sirius wondered if Remus could feel Sev’s glare, despite looking directly at Regulus. He never minded being on the other side of that glare, but he knew that Remus already felt uncomfortable around the man. He was sure this wasn’t making it any easier. Guilt was swallowing him up, and all he wanted was to sink into the floor. Sirius could feel himself getting nauseous. There was nothing he could do but sit here, nauseated and exhausted. He could hear them talking across him, discussing the details of what will happen and when Reg would go back to boarding if he will at all, and what their plan is for the next few weeks when Sirius will most likely be in a residential program.

“I went to Orri today,” Sirius added but he felt like it was falling on deaf ears, “They said they’d take me in PHP if –”

“What does our worst-case scenario look like?” Severus cut him off, pausing his glare for a moment to look at Sirius.

“I guess–” Sirius began, but Regulus piped up.

“ Worst case or absolutely catastrophic?”

“Worst case,” Severus responded, “I know absolutely catastrophic is you going with them.”

“Worst case is probably the council turning down both you and the Potters housing if Siri has to go somewhere.”

“The council wouldn’t put you in the system if it would be too disruptive, they’re much more likely to approve both options before that because Sirius wouldn’t be gone that long anyways.”

He hated being talked across like this, but contributing also made him so deeply uncomfortable. He felt like he was being strangled by this conversation, choking on his own shame. God, he wished he had just let himself disappear. He wished this wasn’t something he had to do. Couldn’t this all just end? Maybe he should have just disappeared.

“Aye,” Sirius mumbled, after what felt like the longest stretch of time he could imagine. The way all three of them looked at him felt like they had forgotten he was even there. “If you all have a mind to keep talking like I’m not here,” He began, trying not to snap, “‘m going to bed.”

“No, I–“ Remus began, while simultaneously Severus, on the other side of the room, groveled, “Please don’t–“ The two men bristled with jealousy, staring daggers at each other.

Regulus broke up the tension between the group, which made Sirius feel so desperately guilty. “Grand frère, ne pars pas.” He whimpered. Those words rang through his mind like a bell, ricocheting between his ears. Big brother, don’t go. They’ve been here before. Not like this, of course, but they had been at this crossroads before. He knew this was different, but it didn’t feel different. It felt exactly the same as it had when Regulus stared up at him with glassy eyes and tear-stained cheeks, having heard the argument between Sirius and his parents. He saw the bright red marks on Sirius’s cheeks, marking where he had been disciplined for his ‘disrespect.’ Regulus watched him angrily pack a small rucksack full of his most prized possessions, and begged him not to go. Sirius never had any intention of leaving Regulus behind there, but he didn’t have an option. There was no going back from that fight. He barely remembered that fight. He felt like he blacked most of it out. The only thing he remembered was his mother throwing his school bag out into the snow, and screaming that she wouldn’t have that behavior in her house .

Sirius took a deep breath, steeling himself against his own catastrophic feelings, and nodded. If Reggie wanted him, he wasn’t going anywhere. He couldn’t leave again. He was already being punished, drowning in guilt, over leaving the first time. That had been over five years ago, and he was still doing penance for it. He knew it was too much, that he felt too deeply, and he only ever wanted to show Regulus how much he cared. He should know better, but the grip he had on his demeanor was slipping. He could feel the tears welling in his eyes, but he needed to calm down. He couldn’t cry again, Regulus couldn’t handle it. He knew Regulus was so fragile right now. His own breakdown would be Regulus’s undoing and he knew it. Regulus was always sensitive to how Sirius was feeling, always influenced by it, just like he was influenced by everyone at their old house in Islington. On top of that, Regulus was already so fragile. He was already so scared, and Sirius desperately didn’t want to scare him anymore.

“I’m not going anywhere, Reggie,” He replied, looking at his younger brother, eyes full of fear and understanding. “Even if I have to go to a res program, I’m not leaving you. I’m going to come home. I’m going to be okay.” Sirius had never wanted anything more than he wanted them all to believe him. He was going to be better than this, he needed to for Reggie’s sake. Even if he needed to drive himself into the ground to feel better, he was going to make sure he was giving Regulus the best chance he could, even though he thought everyone was a better candidate to raise his brother than he was.

“He doesn’t have an option.” Severus grumbled, but his tone was gentle. It was so obvious to Sirius that they were closer than he ever really knew. He knew that they had been close, of course, but he was starting to understand that the relationship went much deeper than he expected. Sirius would never tell Regulus he couldn’t have the other man around, but he wasn’t entirely sure what it would help other than just having an adult “in his corner.”

The smarmy git looked over at him with a wry grin, and Sirius tried his best to mirror it on his own face. That being said, it fell apart before it crossed his face. God, he wished this would end. He could feel Remus bristle even if his eyes were locked on Regulus and Severus. Sirius couldn’t help but wonder if Remus was feeling jealous. It wasn’t like it mattered, neither Sirius nor Remus were the most central fixtures in this conversation. For as much as he was the cause of all of this, and it was all about what he had been doing, but this needed to be about Regulus. Sirius couldn’t help it, honestly. He wouldn’t be able to handle being even more in the center of this conversation. He felt like he was under a microscope, and his skin was burning from observation.

“When will we know when you’re going to be in hospital?” Severus asked, eyebrow raised.

“I have an intake assessment on Monday morning…” Sirius mumbled in response, “Won’t know anything until after it.”

“So we just have to wait until Monday? Nothing until then?”

“Aye,” Sirius mumbled, “Reg I should be here when you get home to chat about everything that happens.”

“So he’s just supposed to go to school? Pretend everything is fine when it so clearly is not?” Severus asked, his voice raising with irritation. “That’s ridiculous Sirius! How is he supposed to cope with this?:

“I don’t–“ Sirius tried to respond, but his voice died in his throat.

“Of course not.” Severus grumbled, “Because you never do.”

“Sev I’m–“ Sirius tried, but he didn’t know what to say. He knew that he didn’t have the answers that either Regulus or Severus wanted. All he had were apologies, mixed in with his self-loathing.

Remus could feel that Sirius was fading, and fast. The man was losing his nerve to sit here, and Remus couldn’t really blame him. This was all so intense, and he didn’t want to continue to contribute to it. Sirius looked so exhausted, and it was so familiar to him. For a long time, Remus had been sitting in that position, feeling the magnifying glass over him, and feeling like his health was burdening everyone else. His emotional state, the trauma of it all, could be so heavy for a group of people, and he could read on Sirius’s face just how heavy he felt like this all was. He knew the weight of other people’s concerns could be suffocating. He took a look over at the clock, and then back to the group. He would’ve suggested taking a moment to rest, to pivot away from this particular conversation, but he didn’t have a chance. Before he could say anything, Sirius was standing up and mumbling something about needing a moment.

Sirius practically ran off to the washroom. He locked the door behind him and slid down to the cool tile floor. He needed it to reset him, to remind him that he was here and that he was safe. He pulled his boney knees to his chest, to sob into them. His mind raced with fears about where this journey would take him, what would happen to his relationship with Regulus, and whether Remus would still want him when it was over. Why couldn’t this be easier? Does it really have to be so difficult? All he wanted was to be nothing and he wished he could just disappear.

He wasn’t sure how long he had been lost in his own mind, but when a knock reverberated through the door Sirius jumped instinctively. “What?” He groaned, his voice sounding hoarse from his sobs. “Regulus wants to go see some of his mates, and I’m going to go to the lab to get some work done. I’ll give you a ring later.”

“Cheers,” Sirius choked out in reply.

“You alright, mate?” Severus called, from beyond the door. Sirius choked back a humorless laugh, trying desperately not to seem short or irritated. It was so deeply upsetting to him that he couldn’t calm himself down. All he wanted was to just be normal, to be unremarkable. He didn’t want to be someone with all of this complex trauma, or all of these catastrophic feelings. He desperately wanted to just be. If only that were as simple as he wanted. His desperation seeped out of his pores, wanting for nothing more than peace.

“Alright,” He replied, keeping his tone as even as possible. He tried to maintain some level of calmness, listening as the two walked out of the door. It was then that he left the washroom. He knew he shouldn’t have hid from their conversation, but it was all too much. It all felt so overwhelming and frustrating, he just needed to get away from everyone. Ordinarily this was when he would run out to the fire escape for a cigarette, but he could’ve been chased there. He didn’t want to be cornered out in his safe space. So much of his life and his coping had changed in the last year, and he couldn’t handle offering up another one of his treasured spaces for others to push his boundaries in.

Time was muddying together for so long, Sirius wasn’t sure how long he sat on that floor before Remus knocked on the door.

“Love,” Remus called from the other side of the heavy oak door. Sirius felt himself shudder, even though he was trying desperately to calm down. “Why don’t you come out and lay down? I’m sure you’re exhausted.”

“Just go home, Re.” Sirius mumbled, forehead pressed against the tile of his bathroom. God, Sirius, just calm down! He needed to get himself together. He couldn’t be any more of a trainwreck, but all he wanted was to be normal. He wanted to be what Remus needed and what Regulus needed, but all he could do was fall apart. It was so nauseating to him that everyone was holding onto him with kid gloves. He knew he was such a drain on the people around him, he knew they were all so worried about him.

“Please,” Came the reply from the other side of the door. It made Sirius want to fall apart. The guilt was going to eat him alive. He didn’t know how to handle any of this well. He could feel his heart hammering in his chest, panic rising in his throat. “I can’t do this.”

“You’re not doing it alone.” Remus was desperate to get Sirius out of that bathroom, but it was beyond any hope. Sirius wasn’t coming out any time soon. It was obvious to Severus and Regulus, that was why they left. Sirius was used to things like this, people leaving when his mind became overwhelming and catastrophic. That was one of the biggest reasons Severus was angry with him in the first place. Regulus needed an adult to be able to deal with the things in his life between helping with homework, making sure there was someone to sign off on things for school, and generalized stability. It was unfair to Severus that he was in this position so frequently, Sirius couldn’t help the way guilt spilled out of him.

“I’m not worth dealing with like this.” Sirius’s voice carried the guilt and fear he was feeling. It was so raw and vulnerable.

“You’re always worth dealing with.” Remus responded, but Sirius could hear the defeat in his voice. Maybe Remus would finally figure out that there was no hope here, Sirius wouldn’t be exiting the bathroom any time soon. His voice fell on deaf ears, because the only thing Sirius could hear was the rushing of his blood in his ears, and his rising heart beat.

Sirius was struggling to keep himself rooted in this reality, instead finding himself teetering between the white subway tile of his own bathroom and the dark italian marble of the bathroom in his childhood home. He could hear his mother’s voice ringing in his ears. It was always soft at first, feigning understanding.

“Sirius, you have to come out of there. Your father and I won’t be mad. Just tell us what happened.”

The anger wouldn’t come until later. It was always simmering just beyond the veil of her composure. She always knew what he had done wrong, whether it be failing a test or losing a footie game, cutting school or a dance class, kissing someone of the wrong pedigree. All of them were punishable offenses by his mother’s standards. He remembered the last time before he was kicked out, sitting in that same panic of knowing she knew he had done something wrong.

“Sirius I won’t put up with this foolishness much longer. Come out here and face the consequences of your actions.”

He had tried to appease her in his youth, coming out the first time he was asked. But he felt the strike of her ring all the same, and eventually he hoped to put off the inevitable. He knew negotiation was a forgone conclusion, but sometimes he was lucky enough that someone would find the doorbell or otherwise distract from his impending doom. He didn’t have the same luck as far as his father was concerned.

“Your mother coddles you too much. Get out here and face me like a man.”

There was no world on which he got away with things. Sure, when his parents didn’t find out all was fine. But his parents found out about so much they didn’t want him to do and Sirius had to face the consequences of it. When he was still trying to protect Regulus, before he had been thrown out, he had tried desperately to keep the peace on the boy’s good days, and time his chaos with Regulus’s fits. He remembered being locked within that home so vibrantly, like it was an experience he would never be able to move on from. Even that last time, he had hoped things would be okay for Regulus. Once he knew he had been found out, caught out by a love letter from a bygone school mate hidden beneath his floor boards, he had tried desperately to protect Regulus. He didn’t know if Regulus ever understood him, but he had tried desperately. He had it out with his parents in separate rooms, in cars, anywhere Regulus wasn’t. There were harsh whispers, open handed smack, and screaming matches in the car, but he tried desperately to avoid it happening in front of Regulus. Someday, he hoped, they’d be able to talk about things and finally sort everything out. But right now he was here, sitting on the tile floor of his bathroom and remembering the needless luxury of the black marble beneath him and the crystal furnishings. When would it end? When would the sound of his father’s controlled anger stop inducing vomiting?

“You shame your namesake.” A cruel pause, “if you don’t come out of there in the next sixty seconds, count yourself lucky if I allow you to sleep in the cellar.”

There was never a real sixty seconds. There was no grace period. He could have left the bathroom when his mother knocked the first time or well after his father knocked the last, and he would still be sleeping in the cellar. He would still feel the cool metal of his father’s rings marring his skin. He would hear the click of the lock and find himself in the cold loneliness of his fall from grace. He knew he would never feel anything but the ire of his parents once they found out. He spent so much time hating them, blaming them. He used to blame them for making him this way, for putting him in dance and making him walk softly, for teaching him to be discerning about his clothing and his hair, for never allowing him to get dirty with other kids. He blamed them for the way he felt when he thought about a cute boy in his class, or the way his heart skipped a beat when Severus yelled at him. It took him a long time to be comfortable with the way it felt to kiss another boy, and the way he felt confident walking into a gay bar.

It was all different now, with Regulus at home. Every day he felt the corners of his peripheral vision blurring the line between his flat and the loveless luxury of his childhood home. He could practically hear the clicking of the keys his mother kept in the drawer next to the stove. Her perfectly manicured nails would parse through the drawer, finding the key to the bathroom with expert precision.

The panic of his memories was bubbling up within him, and he knew it was going to explode. Knees clashed against the hard, cool tiles of the bathroom floor as he made his way over to the toilet, as the acrid, rotted contents of his past spilled out into the toilet. He wasn’t sure anymore whether or not his hands found the back of his throat or if the vile poison of his childhood burned through him all on its own. The frustration he felt while staring at the porcelain and begging the universe or god, or anyone who would listen, to just give him a fucking break.

“Siri,” Chimed the warm voice from the other side of the door. It made Sirius so irrationally angry to be treated this well. He just wanted to be nothing. He wanted to be no one. He wanted to be an apparition.

“Why are you still here, Remus?” He asked, his tone pointed with his frustration. He wished he could be kind, like Remus. He wished he could be understanding and sweet, all soft tones and light whispers, but Sirius wasn’t like that at all. He was all sharp tongued bitterness, cruelty and fear. He was so desperately lost, wishing and begging for just some understanding, and not knowing how to handle it. If he had been just a bit less damaged, if he had only had a few less times in the cellar, if he hadn’t taken a standard discipling and turned it into a fist fight, if he had bit his tongue that last time before he left, maybe gentleness would be something Sirius understood. But he had, and he couldn’t change it, so Remus’s kindness felt cumbersome. It was like fitting a square peg in a round hole, and the only thing that he could do was deflect.

This distress was familiar to Remus, if not odd. It was so weird to him to be on this side of the door. If Sirius was not so paranoid, he may have asked Lily about how to be supportive on the other side of the equation. However, that wasn’t a risk he was willing to take. Not when Sirius was so fragile. There was jealousy that pulled at his heart strings, hating that Sirius clearly trusted Severus implicitly, and had been making him jump through hoops over the last few months in order to gain the other man’s trust. It felt unfair that he couldn’t just be someone who Sirius trusted implicitly. He knew that was unfair way to portray both men in that way, considering he had know understanding of what their relationship actually was. But Remus wanted Sirius. He wanted to be the person Sirius called whenever something went wrong, he wanted Sirius to rely on him standing on the other side of the door. He wanted Sirius to kiss him in the middle of the street, to take him out on dates, to want him. It burned him up in side and he wished he could do something about it. He wished he could charge into the bathroom, pull Sirius into his arms, and comfort him through this. However, he was locked on the other side of the door, being shooed away.

“I’m not leaving.” Remus responded, his resolve seeping through the door. Sirius could feel it. But he needed to be alone, he needed Remus to leave. He could feel the fog of his mind whirring, forcing his thoughts to ring loudly through his ears. His heart was thrumming in his chest, building fear and chaos within him. He was going to binge.

“That’s desperate.” Sirius’s words were cutting, mean, and unhinged. He loved Remus, despite himself. He wanted remus desperately. It was more of projection than anything else, but he needed to be alone. “Go home. I don’t WANT you.”

He wished so desperately that he didn’t have to do this. He needed Remus to go, and if that required Sirius to needle at him, to make him feel small, that was what he would do.

“You can’t– you don’t–” Remus stammered, his voice tightening. God, it made Sirius’s chest hurt.

“Just go,” Sirius replied, his voice thick with desperation. Maybe a change in tactics would help, “please– I just need you to go.” The panic was rising again. He needed to be alone so desperately.

“Can you call me later?” The tightness in Remus’s voice hadn’t dissipated, and Sirius felt so guilty for being so mean. He couldn’t help it. He needed to be alone.

“Yeah,” Sirius whimpered, trying desperately to keep himself from getting overwhelmed all over again. Just get through this Sirius. Just get him out. Just make it to the kitchen. Is the white bread moldy? Does it matter?

When he heard the click of the door closing behind Remus, Sirius is practically running out of the bathroom. His feet carry him to the kitchen, snagging a bag of sliced white bread that he’s had for far too long and rushing off to his bedroom. He’s a mess, and he knows it. Within minutes, he’s tearing open the bag, spending minimal time throwing aside anything that looked like it had gone bad. He chewed through the slices with voracity, tears streaming down his face once more. He felt pathetic and disgusting. How was he ever going to make it through this? His assessment with Orri didn’t go as well as he had hoped. They recommended he seek a higher level of care. They supposedly didn’t feel confident in their ability to accommodate what he needed at this time. How was he going to handle it? He knew he was going to end up in one of those two reserved beds at Vincent Square once again. He also knew that the idea of going to Orri was starting to feel like nothing more than a pipe dream because they didn’t accommodate anyone on an inpatient basis. He could do Vincent Square. He knew he could. He had done it before. Theoretically, maybe he could manage to handle this. He knew that on Monday they could discuss the need for him to attend his family Christmas, and to take care of Regulus through the process. It was a long shot for him to believe Vincent wouldn’t recommend res. He wasn’t weight restored (he bristled at the thought and the pride that erupted within him), he wasn’t seeing his therapist, and he wasn’t even able to make it through a night of sleep anymore. Had he taken his Seroquel today? Had he taken his Lexapro? Why couldn’t he remember?

When he made it through the package of semi-moldy bread, he was overwhelmed by his disgust. Once again, his feet carried him to the cool white subway time, his knees crashed on the ground at the same time he started retching. Why couldn’t this be easier? Why did it have to be so hard?

When he was done retching, he pulled himself off of the floor, to rinse out his mouth and splash water on his face. He needed to get himself together. If they were going to do this to him, fuck it. He might as well go all in. He might as well lose himself. Perhaps that was what forced him into his trainers and his running clothes, to run himself ragged. For an onlooker, it was unremarkable, but if anyone in his life had seen him, they would have been horrified. Maybe Sirius was a monster. Maybe Regulus was right, maybe he couldn’t starve out his cruelty, but by God, he would try.

#unremarkable days #modern marauders #marauders era fic #marauders harry potter #marauders fic #sirius black x remus lupin #regulus black fic #sirius black fic #wolfstar fic #some light snirius #snirius pining #exes snirius #ex snack #ex severus x sirius #tw eating disorder

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k-ru-h · 1 year

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ok first of all. i am sius #1 defender and i wouldnt accuse him of shit without proper proof but. i actually think its important to talk abt this. and second of all this is the only time im ever posting fastpass screenshots but just because the appearance of a character is extremely relevant

listen i know we're all very excited at the idea of a canon gay character in tog, but i really dont think this was the best of moves. tog has so far been mostly pretty alright with handling gnc characters (think how well aka was treated by others, khun being very feminine, etc) and i dont think this one fuckup will change that just. siu is a grown ass adult from a very conservative country and his portrayal of intersex characters such as evankhell or aka isnt very, well, "woke" (evankhell being the only lead brown woman while being "half man" plays into a lot of racial stereotypes, as well as treating intersexuality as a literal curse). i kind of wanna like , talk about this new "queer" character kaya (i saw ppl call him that online, idfk) and like. ill just go thru my points in no particular order idfk ive written too many coherent essays for school this week abd it's 3am i think i deserve a fucked up little one

ok first of all. jesus fucking christ what is this character design

so uh. heres our gay male character! with massive fake tits, lipstick and long hair! this wouldn't be a problem in media already filled with other queer characters, but on its own, especially with the character being darker-skinned yet again, it plays into a lot of stereotypes abt trans women, as well as brown women being masculine. and listen, i know tog has a lot of very wacky character designs, but it also has a lot of gorgeous ones, and while i really dont think it was sius intention to make a transphobic, racist caricature (istg you can psychoanalyse this man just off of tog alone), i think it definitely has something to do either with his own internalised racism and transphobia, or with a lack of education to spot a (hopefully) mistake by assistant artists.

here are some random ass caricatures of trans women i found online and by god i am not crediting this shit, but. look at what i mean. the fake tits, the dress/skirt, the long hair and lipstick.... the resemblance is startling.

but okay. lets say this by itself isnt important. siu made an oopsie and we got a canonically queer character that defends his right to like men unapologetically, and bam didnt seem to mind, and was polite abt it! weeeeeellll... the thing is, this whole fucking thing is a ploy. and if it turns out siu negates my previous point by making it turn out that kaya IS just playing a caricature on purpose because he wants the political advantage and isnt actually gay but is, in fact, homophobic, i will eat that shit up. that would actually make a very good point and having a critique of homophobia is better than having a homophobic gay character. but lets say he is gay for now, lets assume. that still leaves a possibility that he is gay AND just using bam, but lets just assume thats not the case either. lets say he's actually gay and actually wants to marry bam, for whatever fucking reason. bam being polite doesnt mean shit!!! people on twitter are unironically saying this means he's okay with being in a romantic &/or sexual relationship with a man when it literally does not. bam isnt okay with any of this. from start to finish, be it a man or a woman, bam is in this nonconsensually. and one of bams core personality traits is his kindness and politness, and he's been in kayas shoes before, albeit not for queerness specifically. bam isnt a participant, bam is a fucking reward and object and just as that one guy calling khun a "cute little kitten" while literally discussing how much his worth as a slave would be isnt queer rep, neither is this! even if the two of them are actually gay and actually attracted to the two respectfully, they still treat them as objects to be sold or bought for political advantage. someone on tumblr once said that a drag queen will always be a better ally than a gay ceo, and! yeah!

anyways, in conclusion, this is at worst an accidental bigoted caricature, and at best a very good joke on all of us. source im gay intersex trans and i actually go outside and interact with real queer people instead of having pronoun discourse on tiktok. thanks

#tower of god #i am SOOOO fucking sleepy #also one day ill write a ramble on why i think bamdorsi arent a good couple. controversial ig #like its cute but... no...#anyways this thjng has had a grip on me for two and a half years now im not going anywhere ily siu💞

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ihateliterature · 1 year

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There are reasons why there are so many aspec (especially acespec) antis, all of them are bad, all of them are avoidable

Many acespec ppl, regardless of whether they identify as sex repulsed, neutral or even positive, are uncomfortable with sex. It just comes with the territory, it's normal and we all go through it at one point or another. That's why a lot of them feel uncomfortable in fandom spaces, especially queer fandom spaces, as they are usually shipping heavy and that can feel alienating. These communities have a history of treating aspec fans like garbage for the sake of shipping, which alienated aspec fans even further

There are a lot of acespec proshippers and even just acespec folks active in sexual parts of the fandom. But compared to the rest it feels like they are few and and far between

The main complaint aspec people have about the over focus of shipping in fandom is that in shippers' zeal to ship they are often willfully invalidating the lived realities of aspec people for the sake of jokes and "arguing" the validity of their ship and get defensive when called out for it, which often proves that allo shippers care more about drawing and writing fictional characters fucking then about the erasure of aspec people, which they are collaborating to. All of this feeling like a slap in the face, especially coming from queer centric spaces

Now, after all this harassment, disillusionment and fake support, there comes the other side of queer fandom: the antis. They tell these acespec people that there is nothing wrong with them, that the dirty degenerate proshitters are the problem, that they make everything about sex and never create any gen content (provably false, btw). But they are not like that, they understand, they love platonic ships and understand how someone can be uncomfortable with sex, they are better, more pure, then those freaks who, frankly, are mostly just predators looking for victims

It's manipulation, plain and simple. This kind of rethoric is particularly effective on acespec people because, after feeling incomplete and broken because of your lack of *something*, being told that that exact thing makes you somehow better is an alluring idea. It's easy to fall for it, and many do. It doesn't make them bad people, it just proves they are desperate for any crumb of acceptance

Just like adult antis manipulate minors by calling themselves "safe adults", roping them into sharing porn in discord groups and harassing artists under the guise of good will, so do allo antis manipulate acespecs to their side of the argument through faux ally ship

Everyone is to blame for it. Antis with their morbid history of manipulation and love bombing and proshippers for being over vigilant and overzealous at the expence of aspecs

I'm a proship aroace and I've seen this happening countless times. I've seen young aspecs having their complicated feelings regarding sex used as manipulation tools by people who simply wish to use them as weapons against someone else and it breaks my heart every time

I made this mostly for aspec fans, so they don't fall into these kinds of traps. I know neither side can change, I've lost hope for all of them

#aspec #asexual #asexual spectrum #ace spectrum #fandom #shipping #pro ship #proship safe #anti anti #antis dni

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tieronecrush · 10 months

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ok ok first one. i'm gonna be sending some din djarin stuff for the ~variety~ lol

🎈 airheads: he's never had a partner before. he isn't sexually inexperienced but he's totally inexperienced in the ✨love✨ department and he has such a gigantic heart that he sort of goes overboard when he gets his first partner (i also think he's a #bicon so this person could be any gender). he buys gifts constantly, and especially latches on to any interest his partner expresses and gets them e v e r y t h i n g having to do with said interest, and tries his best to take them on extravagant dates, usually to far-off planets. he's pretty flustered by the whole thing until his partner finally stops him and tells him that they just want him to spend time with them, that they love his presence and not his presents, and that's when he slows down and learns how to compromise by taking off some of his beskar (not the helmet) so they can cuddle 💖 when he proposes he leaves the mask ON until they say yes, but tosses it across the ship as soon as he gets his answer. okay i'm done gushing for now bye!!

tess i'm in love with these thoughts <3

he would 100% dive right into giving you lavish gifts or taking you to incredible places because this is what he's been shown is the right thing to do for his partner. like living on his own as an adult he's observed many different cultures and he's found that dynamic of giving (mostly materially, like anniversaries or holidays or birthdays) across all of them so logically, he thinks it should be the best for his partner too.

he would see you drawing with grogu and get you artist-quality supplies (and of course, grogu goes ham on them as a child and lowkey destroys them lol), or travels to a specific planet with a specific market that you got a certain fruit from once but you said how much you loved it so he bought you a whole case.

it kind of clicks for him when you explain that he can show how much he loves you in different ways, and the ones that makes the most sense for him are quality time and acts of service. and him taking off parts of his beskar is a huge act of service and vulnerability to you, but you try not to make a huge deal out of it to make him comfortable.

AND HE WOULD BE SO SO EAGER TO TAKE HIS HELMET OFF FOR THE FIRST TIME AROUND YOU. he would definitely need some time to get into the routine of it being off around you, but he doesn't want you to think that it's out of discomfort so when he forgets to do it, he always lets you be the one to take it off for him and he always kisses you right after <3

#i love din djarin so much #my tin can <3 #din #asks #tieronecrushcandy #din djarin headcanons

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soulvee-animationz · 2 years

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Epic gaming Pico swap AU ramble timeeee!!!!! Okay so basically ima just aramble about the characters an shittt lol~

Also almost all of the swaps correspond with the swaps used in D-Sides mod!!

Cassandra:

She/They, Transfem lesbian

Swapped with Nene

Despite being swapped with Nene she’s a very sensitive bean qwq

Absolute cinnamon roll pushover, very soft, literally, their hair is very soft

Cries easily

Wears soft fuzzy sweaters, knee socks and cat eat headbands, all in pastel colors

Has fangz and nobody knows why

Dating Swap!Nene

Abusive homelife which has left them with trauma over their gender and sexuality and how they perceive themselves

The one who convinced Nene not to shoot up the school

Nene:

She/Her, Lesbian

Swapped with Cassandra

Emo goth bitch, usually scowling

Wears all black and dark red, plus has the fucking emo bangs covering one of her eyes, said bangs having red highlights (dyed)

Shark like teeth and has bitten someone with them before

Filled with anger and rage towards every single adult ever

She actually doesn’t like emo/gothic/alternative music that much, prefers hyperpop and breakcore more

Originally was going to shoot up the school with the goth punks but halted the operation to keep Cass safe, is unsure if she’ll continue it or not

Very protective over Cass, and would die for them

Carries guns/pocket knives on her at all times due to severe paranoia/anxiety disorder, isn’t coping with said disorder very well at the moment

Pico:

He/It, Non-Binary, Bisexual

Swapped with Cyclops

Usually pretends to act angry and tough for Nene, but in reality he’s a really chill guy with a good taste in music

Actually very scared of guns after getting shot in the eye with one by accident, has an eyepatch that covers up the bullet wound

Looks mainly like pico but with an eyepatch, arm and leg scars, leather jacket and chain necklace + belt

Barks at people sometimes

It loves meat, eats meat absolutely feral like

Kinda hates Nene but feels obligated to stick with her

Darnell:

He/Him, Pansexual

Swapped with Alucard

Very chill compared to the rest of the goth punks, but is also slightly sadistic

Doesn’t care much for others feelings or safety aside from a few folks

The one who thought of the whole school shooting plan

Very close to Nene, acts mostly like a therapist to her as well as an older brother figure

Childhood trauma from being experimented on as a child, caused him to gain magic fire powers and purple skin + a lot of burn scars from practicing with his abilities

Very good artist, does realism art mostly

Cyclops:

He/Him, Demiromantic Asexual

Swapped with Pico

Just an overall good guy, there is like almost nothing wrong with him

Very kind an considerate, most popular in school and everyone’s friend

Is in a queerplatonic relationship with Cassandra, the two being very close and intimate but remaining friends

Wasn’t home during the almost school shooting incident, caught the stomach flu

Crushing hard on Alucard but is too shy to admit to it

Trying to learn how to become a game programmer and has a few basically coded click and point games made

Owns several comfort plushies, his favorite being a patchwork rat named “Bingo”

Looks like Cyclops, just without an eyepatch and a purple hoodie

Alucard:

He/They, Demiboy, Biromantic, Asexual

Swapped with Darnell

He’s easily excitable and usually a hyper guy, especially over magic

Absolutely obsessed with learning how to preform magic, knows a lot of magician tricks

Loves dungeons and dragons, magic the gathering, Pokémon cards, those types of games =w=

Completely oblivious to Cyclops’ crush on them but would accept if he confessed

He has vitiligo and wears glasses!! And pastel green an pink sweaters!!

Just a very sweet guy overall, they are the guy ever *affectionate*

Likes fire, maybe a lil too much-

Favorite food is poptarts

Hanzou:

They/Them, Non-Binary, Gay

Swapped with Damian

An actual gremlin

The one person in Cass’ friendgroup that is 100% feral

Hisses at people

Distracted by lasers and string being dangled in their face

Doesn’t talk much, usually wears a dark blue scarf over their mouth

Wears jean jackets and ripped jeans with gaming themed t-shirts

Working on a webcomic with Cassandra about rainbow neon furries that live in a computer

Avid Lemon Demon, TallyHall, Jack Stauber, Mother Mother and cavetown enjoyer

Has a prized pokeball DS

Damian:

He/Him, TransMasc, Aromantic

Swapped with Hanzou

A lil dorky weeb that is Cassandra’s cousin

Younger then Cass by a couple years so he goes to a different school

Very wholesome and sweet to others and likes giving others hugs

Obsessed with anime!! He hyper fixates on a lot of them and is usually wearing a makeshift naruto cosplay

Also wears dog ear headbands

Collects LPS and sometimes gives away his duplicates online in raffles

Likes weird obscure YT rabbit holes and tends to draw art of ARG characters a lot

Room is absolutely covered in fandom posters

Scott Pilgrim enjoyer

Boyfriend:

He/They, TransMasc, Bisexual

Swapped with Girlfriend

Flirty and dominative to others, he knows how to get what he wants out of others

Part angel and always has a pastel blue halo and pastel blue wings

Interested in music production and helps make tracks with his girlfriend, Girlfriend

Pico’s ex but isn’t really over the relationship yet and still flirts with Pico

Likes crossdressing and is often wearing dresses or skirts with long sleeved shirts

Gave Girlfriend her beanie and check mark t-shirt

Girlfriend:

She/Xe, Pansexual

Swapped with Boyfriend

Antisocial with others and often doesn’t talk, but is very talkative and chatty with her friends

Wants to be a professional singer!! Often makes music with xer boyfriend, Boyfriend

Wears headphones on her neck almost all the time, same with her blue beanie and checkmark t-shirt

Lactose intolerant but still eats cheese (never regrets it despite how sick xe gets)

Can be very annoying sometimes

Part demon and keeps demon horns hidden, couldn’t bother to hide her tail

Thinks that jeans are awful torture devices made by turtle people

Believes in aliens half ironically, half unironically

@peepaw-william-says

#picos swap au #picos school #picos school pico #picos school cassandra #picos school nene #picos school darnell #picos school cyclops #picos school alucard #picos school hanzou #picos school damian #friday night funkin #fnf #fnf boyfriend #fnf girlfriend #text

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3nergy-spirit · 1 year

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lets talk... *trigger warning, sensitive topics* undertale rant.

so... its come to my mind that ive seen many things inside this undertale fandom...including p*doph*lia, r*pe, child p*rn, proshipping, and inc*st.

and now that i've seen it, on the media..it makes me quite irritated seeing it.

on the matter, i've seen many blogs in undertale get called out such as thegreatrouge and others.

but its come to my media about...deathcest.

deathcest is the shipping between reaper x goth.

and mind you goth is the CHILD of reaper and geno, and someone had the right to ship them? a FATHER and their CHILD?

it disgusts me to see this side of the fandom grow as so many people agree with their ships and see it as not that deep *but it is*

and mostly the people that agree with them, are either minors or disgusting people that should keep their hands off children. at all costs.

this person. not gonna name, had the AUDACITY, to make inc!st with a child and their father...doing sexual intercourse *or sex at all means*

remind you incest is this.

yeah.

and they made this child and their father? having intercourse with eachother?

it made my blood boil.

and i know they said if you dont like their content then block them but you do not have the RIGHT, to draw a minor with their father. *i know goth is 20 in the wiki but no. thats not right* doing intercourse with eachother.

especially when they raised them since BIRTH. and you have the audacity to think this is right? HELL. NO.

and mind you this person is an adult, they know FULLY AWARE, that you are NOT supposed to be doing that, especially in media to be sharing this quote on quote "valid ship" to the media in art, suggestive. art.

i have seen, soo many suggestive art of goth and reaper from the SAME ARTIST, and it makes my blood boil.

many people will say this isn't right, and the ones who dont, you need serious help.

i know its art but there are MINORS in the media! they can easily see this! and i worry more about the minors then the artist themself

i dont know them personally but i just found out about them.

their drawings show child p*rn, p*doph*lia, proshipping, and inc*st, and many other things if i hadn't added to this list in this sentence it is because i have not found anything such as it.

if ANY minors come around to this persons media and suggestive art? DO NOT INTERACT. i mean it. i dont want you seeing what i saw as i am an adult and some people that may be interacting with me, are not. which i dont mind but im just spreading the word. *also dni with any of my suggestive works if your a minor and are uncomfortable with it*

i care about minors safety more then this person im talking about *honestly i hope they rot in hell in my words*

i cannot explain how MAD i am about this person, and i am just spreading the word.

again, DO NOT INTERACT WITH THIS PERSON. it is for your own safety and health if your uncomfortable with this topic.

THIS PERSON, has created SUCH DISGUSTING ART, that PEOPLE may have EXPERIENCED IN REAL LIFE, for their OWN LIKING.

i. hate. these kinds of people.

AND MANY PEOPLE CAN BE TRIGGERED BY THIS ART, AS IT IS SHOWING SOMETHING THAT CAN HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE, IF THEY HAVE EXPERIENCED IT THROUGH AS THEY AGED. this can ALSO RUIN SOMEONES MENTAL HEALTH PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY.

disgusting. if any of the people follow me and like this kind of stuff? block me immediately, dont interact and dont even SPEAK to me. i am disgusted by this and i will NOT involve myself with my art, language, and media posts to this kinds of disgusting acts.

i just had to let this out and give this out to the media. just be careful about this person guys, please.

#undertale #tw sensitive topics.#this side of the ut fandom makes my blood boil #3nergy-spirit #i hate this side of the fandom

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peachypizzicato · 1 year

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Hi!! Sory to bother you but this letter to dorian is very interesting! Im new to fandom but you mention many things which are annoying me too already. Its so harf to find smth nice to read 😖☹️😑 Sadly Im not much of a artist so i cant "be the change you wanna see" 😅😭 do you write/draw? Im so curios what a story/fanart would look like if done RIGHT for once. Thanks!!

hey anon! don’t worry, you’re not bothering me at all! thank you so much, i’m glad you enjoyed reading my impromptu essay-thingy! i was really hoping it would resonate with people in the fandom, so your message makes me very happy :)

i totally understand the feeling! sometimes you can kinda get lost in the shuffle and it can feel like there’s nothing good- but there’s good things and good creators out there! i honestly can’t really give super specific suggestions on that front, but id say just keep an eye out for anything showing or talking about characters in an unsavory manner (for example, if a majority of the art of ESPECIALLY the brown skinned characters is sexual or suggestive in nature, or if grown adults- julian and muriel most usually- are infantilized or otherwise treated as incapable on their own)

as for doing the story itself right, i actually feel uniquely qualified to speak on exactly that! i had actually started on my own retelling of sorts– before i realized that i had not done NEARLY enough planning and jumping in both feet first had stressed me to the point of burnout such that i had to shelve that whole thing. but i digress! in the meantime, i’ve actually done a bit of that planning stuff retroactively in the form of light analysis. nothing super crazy, mostly reading accounts from other marginalized groups affected by the messaging of the game and taking into account my own knowledge to jot down specific issues with the original and how they could be fixed (its kind of fun actually if you’re into that sort of thing)

without overloading this answer with a wall of literary analysis, many of the most visible problems end up coming down to a choice between specific traits or a specific background, as keeping both causes said problems (for example, will rewritten muriel stay the stoic woodsy wild man or will he keep his indigenous coding? will rewritten julian keep all of his imagery or will he be a recognized jewish character?) many of the routes also face deeper issues that would need a case-by-case handling, but for anyone looking to rewrite them my advice would just be to look at things with a very careful and purposeful eye: why is this event happening to this character? does it play into a harmful stereotype or trope? what can be done instead to add to their character and their arc?

thats just my two cents, anyway! i hope this makes sense and is helpful, thanks again for reading :)

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daisyachain · 2 years

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The Arcane production doc seems a bit of a cynical attempt to jump on good PR for a company that tolerates sexual assault and lent its support to a literal colonial project in Saudi Arabia.

Disclaimer aside I love to learn about media production and the market/creative forces that lead to projects getting made, especially works that buck the SoCal industrial complex trend.

I can’t give Arcane too much credit for groundbreaking story as an action-adventure series developed out of LA with superhero elements and a fairly classic plot of ragtag-band-of-kids-has-to-save-the-city. However, it does stand out as an prestige French-animated series that has pushed the boundaries of style possible with 3D animation, even in a post-Spider-Verse world.

Animation in the Anglo-American is so heavily siloed away from adult/prestige shows, with the associated budget constraints forcing even acclaimed animation shows to bum around in the ghetto of flash animation and super-simple style. Off the top of my head, Castlevania and the netflix live-action tie-ins (The Witcher, Altered Carbon) are the only fully adult projects of recent years that aren’t made on a shoestring. I also want to give credit to The Legend of Korra, the DCAU, and Star Wars: The Clone Wars/Rebels for having a similar prestige-y feel while living in the kids’ show ghetto. These series definitely showed what animation could do for drama, but mostly broke even rather than breaking out. Castlevania didn’t change popular perceptions of animation or the possibilities of storytelling despite being an unexpected success. The story is fun, the animation is fine, it probably helped greenlight the CR show and a few more netflix tie-ins.

Contrast Arcane, which is not only a hit but also the only time outside of Spider-Verse where the Anglo-American public has been forced to consider animation as a medium (anime has ofc been rummaging around the boundaries of budget/style for years, Houseki no Kuni and MP100 and Ufotable and DavidPro). It’s interesting to look at how that came about from—a bunch of amateurs. Or, talented animators and artists who weren’t hooked into the existing animation production pipeline. It’s no coincidence that Spider-Verse came from Sony, which has had an unusually strong animation team for years before they were allowed to really show it. Similarly, Arcane coming out of French music animation with oversight from…mostly concept artists explains why it was allowed to do what it did. The creatives involved wanted to make good art the way they like it. And nobody in management knew enough about the industry to stop them.

#also don’t get me started on the early sketches/later development and the clear impact of having women on the team #test animation vi’s little wasp waist speaks volumes to just. hiring competent people (women). or mel’s relaxed hair concept art #kelsey liveblogs arcane #ooh and the one animator they interviewed who said ‘I just don’t like pure 3D so we do better stuff instead’

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superborb · 2 years

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Media Diet, May

I realize that I mostly pull 'from x's rec!' links from DW search, but this doesn't work for if the post was flocked / recs I got off DW. HMMM, but I'm so bad at remembering where I got a rec from! The Empress of Salt and Fortune, by Nghi Vo: The story of the former empress is recounted to a cleric from an order dedicated to faithfully recording history. I enjoyed the slow reveal and the pacing was quite good, but the last chapter that explicated what had been strongly hinted at earlier was a little redundant; generally not as subtle as I expected going in? A short, interesting read. The Thursday Murder Club: a Novel, by Richard Osman: Four people living in an upmarket retirement community come together every Thursday to solve cold murders, and when an actual murder occurs, set up to solve it themselves. Very ...witty is probably the right word for the type of humor. Funny in one-off sentences, but I found it somewhat difficult to read in one go as a result, and had to keep putting it down when it got repetitive. A fluffy sometimes amusing novel, with what reads to my USian eyes as rather conservative politics. The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, by Patricia A. McKillip: A fantasy novel with the window dressing of fantastical beasts, but really about consent, power, and fear. From dolorosa_12's rec! I thought the ending, though foreshadowed, was a little bit too deus ex machina to be fully satisfying? Beautiful prose without being self-conscious about it, such that the prose read in an effortless way. (Difficult to pull off!) I kept feeling like this was rather dark YA -- midway through, I decided I must be getting the wrong impression and this must be adult fantasy, but wiki seems to have it under YA? Anyway, short and packs a punch. CW: sexual assault, child marriage The Disordered Cosmos, by Chanda Prescod-Weinstein: Discussion of racism in science, with dashes of popsci particle physics and autobiography. From chestnut_pod's rec. Could have used a stronger editor with an eye towards continuity between the chapters, especially what had been introduced already and what needed to be defined. The popsci explanations were a bit confusing IMO, but I did know most of the general ideas already, so I can't totally judge accurately. The meatiest chapters were the ones in the latter half, which centered around particular faces of racism in science, but unfortunately I did not find them particularly novel. Once, It Was Love: Very short manga about a woman whose husband suddenly stops being able to see her. From x_los's review. I guess like a good thriller, I really wanted to know what would happen next. We get to understand the motivation of the female characters explicitly, but only ever the male ones through their actions; the stalker's motivations are clear, but the husband's never become so. Under the Skin (猎罪图鉴) (2022): Mostly episodic cases as a forensic artist joins the police force and works with a captain who initially hates him for his role in the death of his mentor years ago. I think the problem is the best parts of this show were things like... extended art scenes and their bromance relationship once they get to know each other, neither of which was enough to compensate for what I disliked. Some of the characters were compelling and the pacing was pretty good too. I had a longer rant here, but I've cut for length: the gist was too much 'TV logic' leading to thin/unrealistic plots, asshole cop behavior, and weird cuts / cases not resolving satisfactorily. Although they tried to be sympathetic to the circumstances of female victims and perpetrators, it went too far into 'reveling in their pain' territory for me; additionally, having two male leads and a few stereotypical male and female cop roles meant the show overall landed more sexist than I think they intended. Episodes 17-18 were probably the strongest, doing a great job with tension and bringing in threads from earlier in the series; I especially liked how it recontextualized how surveillance was treated during the show. Also, the captain introduced in those episodes did an exceptional acting job. Overall, I think I should perhaps stop watching Chinese cop shows and the very constrained stories they can tell. CW: gratuitous extended on screen domestic violence, tragic lesbians Dream Boys 2006 Kanjani8 v KAT-TUN (DNF): I watch partied the first hour of this, and the juniors tap dancing was my favorite number. So much inexplicable plot happened in the first hour that I am scared what happens in the remaining 1.5. Cyphstress: Online group puzzle in the vein of an escape room. The first half was too straightforward and tedious at points; the second half was occasionally frustrating. I think the problem was that (for me) there wasn't much of a feeling of satisfaction at solving the puzzles; just an 'I guess that's the solution...'? Still, it was fun to do as a group activity!

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girlkomaeda · 6 months

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oh my god.... girlkomaeda... about/info

˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗

they/them (she/her or he/him is ok especially if it’s funny. I like all gendered terms though!)

19 yr old nonbinary lesbian

hobbyist artist

multifandom! lots of stuff. dont want to list it all :0

im into collecting and reading manga! mostly gl, bl, psychological, drama, slice of life, tragedy... I also love collecting anime figures and plushies, especially hello kitty plushes! I love playing video games, drawing, music, dogs and cats and Etc just normal guy stuff you know how it is… just normal stuff yeah regular girl

please do not interact with me if youre into sexualizing children (even fictional ones) or if youre into shipping kids with adults. thanks

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misterbitches · 1 year

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since i've been watching more "acclaimed" “television” and “films” and doing more “film work”, i feel myself moving ever on from this genre of bl and now, gl...but in the literal sense of these tv series as a different market. when i'm bored or need to de-stress, i watch, but my attention can’t be held much anymore. maybe because i recall when every component was meant to be seen and every scene was thoughtful, even if escapist or comedic. that doesn't mean i haven't found good shows, artists haven’t made good work, or i haven’t found pairings to like (obviously) or that there aren’t things to say or even that i haven’t changed my mind a lot about what i like and why, gone back and seen merit. that they aren’t people who have things to say, and say it well, it’s just that most of it is....same. rote. unchanging. static. maybe it’s also because i’m stressed and my hair was falling out and it didn’t slow down that process?!?!?!? like hello!

anyway lowkey feel nothing for the girls in gap and i guess it's my age and the fact that the girls are 19-21 and teensy. i also didn’t like scoy at all (minus like daisy and som but god the accusations people lob at others for not liking it) and there are other adult or serious queer women stories to see. is it the hype? is it how people describe these shows and the genre? the new gmmtv gl looks beige as hell like in a very becky-esque way (not the lil mixed girl actress! who is decent enough and completely adorable, but becky-esque as in basique) but i felt...something? for gap i might clock in when they become physical because that's what the girls (me) want and i’m her for them (the girls), but rn i'm unengaged.

(talking abt capitalism tv and qu**rs for abt 50000 minutes under here)

(also go see tar for some crazy queer shit! do it go go do it only if u want to tho and only if u r in the mood 4 some fucked up shit lmao not romance)

i think these shows have a lot of pressure to reflect a community when they can't, when bl can't even do that (thank fucking god) and doesn’t want to. and to make money. mostly that. we've always been part of a market, no matter our sexuality; we buy and sell stuff, sell our labor, alienation and all that but when it's marketed to you (girls, and here especially queer girls), it feels like another box.

i forget that these shows are mostly pure romances or romcoms, taking from the well of romantic clichés in all cultures, heterormative or not, based on mostly masculine, often fetishistic or racistesque tropes/ideals embedded (think thinness or attractiveness of one’s body, one’s social capital). those of us who know and share these feelings and/or are in relationships with women create them (sometimes), but we have our own internalized difficulties, too. it's a common language that doesn't change with sexuality because desire is invisible (which is why it's vital to call out our internalized and externalized concerns). when i'm shocked, i start to expect more, therefore the word queer in the loosest sense (which is overused and over-categorized yet misunderstood) doesn't apply because it's about relationships (and sex) first and life, being, second. if you're not matched up, you stop being a "queer person" and there's no story. that isn’t to say that escapism or whatever doesn’t work or isn’t an okay function to have, that romance as a driver isn’t the most common story we have in our lives—my point is that to eschew that categorization as such makes it seem like it isn’t, giving the work an inflated sense of itself when it is. even the specific productions rely on your knowledge of: the genre, knowledge of the work if it's an adaptation, investment in the actors, the studio or corporation (and now even the producer, which is insane to me!) but evenn then....why can’t i feel that??!?!?!? make it happen already without all this previous shit!!! it’s like a fucking oscar campaign which i cannot goddamn stand. just let it stand on its own but it CANNOT DO THAT!!!!

so while i don't feel bad for not liking this, and having other queer stories with women that i prefer (from other countries), i feel that people's responses are, if one enjoys it, an assumption that because it's two women (in this case just out of teenhood lmao god i'm old) people won't like it or that we should give it more of a chance because bl had a rocky start. i think giving things more of a chance is fair, not everyone does or should, but it is fair and a good ask, seriously media literacy is great; and i understand the impulse as one thing being “the first of its kind” (though the first is never the first, iykyk). i don't think bl should be at this level at. all. anyone who knows me knows that and why i feel that way. it's crazy to have such a congested market, and the money they're making is outrageous. it's not revolutionary and one of the most frequent and dull media markets next to tiktok shows. i criticize the shows' competency because, except from indies, the companies are begging for money, fucking foaming at the mouth for it.

i hope the "gl" market doesn't get too crowded, but whatever. not necessarily a good thing because it doesn't level things out in the actual world or in the hands of capital, which repackages, mainstreams, and sells it to ruin and profit the most. but i can see how it moves a marginal needle, like anything else: i.e. more of this type of (one note) love can be seen and made, and the absolute best outcome, one i will always support, is people getting more work and being able to make things they like, or, most importantly, artists being able to support themselves with work in a hopefully good work environment (but lbr...probably most times not) good work environment. the point is people have to unfortunately work to eat, and if they get to contribute while doing something they love (filmmaking)? good. even if its’ bad, or boring, or whatever like....at least? that?

then again a lot of it is trash but...that’s also fine. things can continually fucking suck, not everything is on an artistic scale. so maybe gap sux, and the few gls that will be shown may sux, and maybe it's worth it to keep an eye out for things not on a big platform or poured into by a big company or a big name, and not just romances since that's not only in our lives, because none of this is authentic but i feel like i'm being asked to think it is? and that’s when it gets weird, meta, cringier and what makes people more annoying.

ironically, i watched all the queer stuff with women before i got into bl (wonder why lmao), and a lot of it is on film, but i think this specific genre in these specific countries came into my life at such a specific time and emerging from that time, being even more of an adult, i feel like i'm coming out of it. i'm not sure what i've learned...probably nothing. is it entertaining? did it stop being entertaining? i am, however, getting sick of men’s poor decisions and even though it’s annoying when women or other people make them my gOD we’re a lot less fucking pussy about it.

#a thot

0 notes

queenshelby · 3 years

Text

My Friend’s Father (Part Five)

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Warning: Age Gap, Mild Sexual References

Words: 1,848

Notes:

I have decided to make this into a series.

Alright, no judgment. This was a dream of mine and I felt like I had to write it down. Everyone in this Fic is over the age of 18 and this Fic is in no way based on Cillian’s real family life. It’s pure filth.

*************************

YOUR POV

Two weeks had passed since you visited your friend Denise in Dublin and it was time for the annual Galway Arts Festival.

Denise had been working on a photography project for the past year and had been nominated for a student award in Galway as part of which ten of her photographs were being displayed during the Arts Festival.

Whilst, as you had expected, Cillian didn’t contact you, you knew that he would be there to support his daughter. Being an artist himself, he was very proud of her and her work and he supported her projects not only mentally but also financially with the caveat that she would finish her degree at Trinity College.

Unlike him, he didn’t want her to drop out of university even though she hated it and you certainly understood his reasoning.

Contrary to Denise, you had no creative bone in your body. You enjoyed art and theatre, but weren’t an artist or performer yourself. Instead, you were an A Grade Law Student who had become rather bored in Galway and had recently applied for a scholarship to Oxford University.

Reading was your passion and you had always been known as a geek. In school, you were the girl that no one liked, nerdy, not interested in fashion or social media and wearing braces, which, luckily, had been removed three years ago.

You were shy and it was only for Denise that you came out of your shell. She was popular in school, mostly due to her name, but also because she was generally confident and, over the years, she helped you gain confidence especially after you had left high school.

But, today, you knew you would be questioning your gained confidence once again since, first of all, you would be seeing Cillian again and the truth was that you couldn’t stop thinking about him in an intimate way and, secondly, you were featured completely naked on some of Denise’s photographs.

Whilst the photographs were artistic and not sexual in any way and your most intimate part wasn’t visible on them, it bothered you knowing that people you disliked would see you so vulnerable and you couldn’t remember why you had agreed to being photographed like that.

The other woman who Denise chose to photograph was Amalie. She was 23 and had been Denise’s friend for a while as well but, unlike you, she began modelling professionally when she was just 16. You all went to the same private school together and, clearly, her lifestyle had been largely financed by her parents. She always wore expensive clothes and had no interest in pursuing a career other than modelling, which barely sustained her lifestyle considering the few small jobs she got.

***

Just as you served your last cup of coffee to an elderly lady sitting in the corner of the café you were working at, you saw Denise, Amalie and two other friends of Denise walk in.

‘Hey guys, take a seat. I will be right with you. I am just about to finish my shift’ you said as you hung up your apron.

‘Please tell me you will get changed before the Gallery opening tonight?’ Amalie asked somewhat weirdly and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes as you sat down at the table with her, Denise and the others before ordering some coffees for yourselves.

‘No, I thought I would go like this’ you said sarcastically, looking down at your coffee-stained clothes.

‘I bought a dress for tonight’ you then said, after Amalie didn’t seem to sense your sarcasm.

‘Right’ she then said as she flicked through Instagram and you simply looked at Denise who shrug her shoulders.

‘What are you looking for?’ you asked curiously as her eyes seemed to be glued to her phone.

‘She is looking to find more photos of my dad and Laura Jennings’ Denise said, rolling her eyes.

‘Laura Jennings, as in the actress?’ you asked, causing Amalie to nod.

‘Yes, apparently they have been dating’ Amalie then confirmed, causing you to swallow harshly. You knew that you shouldn’t care but you couldn’t help it. Knowing that Cillian was seeing someone made you feel ill.

‘And you care about that why?’ you then asked Amalie after an uncomfortable shiver ran down your spine.

‘Apparently, just like you, Amalie thinks my dad is a DILF’ Denise huffed out before telling you how disgusting you all were.

‘Well, he is though…he is super hot’ Amalie then joked before carrying on. ‘And I don’t understand how you don’t know about Laura Jennings and whether this is true or not. You need to find out’ Amalie then said but Denise simply shook her head.

‘My father doesn’t share this sort of stuff with me and I certainly don’t want to know about his sex life, thank you very much. In so far as I am concerned, he doesn’t have sex, ever…yuck! Also, I would appreciate if you could not talk about my dad anymore, please. It grosses me out’ Denise said and you knew that, all of this had become a common occurrence ever since the day the first episode of Peaky Blinders aired on BBC, a show which Denise refuses to watch herself because of the heavy sexual content and a show which you, only a week ago, had begun to binge watch.

Cillian’s POV

When Cillian walked into the basement after you had left, he immediately saw the small folded up note you had left him but, reading it, made him somewhat uncomfortable.

He was torn about what to do with it and certainly knew that he should ignore it. He couldn’t see you again even if he wanted to.

The fact that you were 23 years younger than him and that you were his daughter’s best friend made it all wrong and highly inappropriate and he didn’t know what had gotten into him in the first place when he gave into you.

He had never felt attracted towards you in any sort of way until that last visit which was the first time had seen you since you and your family had moved away.

You changed in many ways and he wasn’t sure what it was that he liked about you. But what he knew was that it was more than just sexual attraction, which was usually something he knew how to supress.

With that in mind, he placed your note into his wallet and decided to ignore it for now. But he couldn’t quite bring himself to throw it out.

***

With his bags packed it was time for him to return to Manchester and resume filming of the final season of Peaky Blinders.

The first week of filming went well and Cillian decided to spend the weekend with his friend, fellow actress Laura Jennings. Cillian and her had developed a friend with benefits sort of relationship. No strings attached and no feelings involved. After his divorce from Denise’s mother, he wasn’t ready for anything else and Laura would certainly not have been the type of woman he would have wanted a relationship with in the first place.

Unlike him, she wasn’t press shy and, whilst they kept their arrangement a secret as best as they could, she was otherwise quite active on social media.

Cillian, on the other hand, only maintained a private Instagram account with the sole purpose of being able to check on his children. Whilst they were adults, he was still worried about them, especially Denise who had recently gotten herself in a lot of trouble after distancing herself from this Jeremy boy.

***

‘Another wine?’ Laura asked as Cillian was relaxing on top of the doonas, wearing nothing but his black Calvin Klein briefs, after they had spent the last hour doing exactly what friends with benefits would do after not having seen each other for over two weeks due to busy filming schedules.

‘Yes please…thanks’ he responded as he reached for his phone after a notification had popped up.

It was his daughter Denise who had posted on Instagram and, since she hadn’t posted for a while, he decided to check it out, hoping that she wasn’t with Jeremy again.

To his surprise, three new pictures of Denise and her friends showed up when he opened the APP and, one of them, there was you.

In the picture, you were wearing accompanied by a man in his late twenties, wearing a suit while you were wearing a dark blue dress and he couldn’t help but wonder who the man by your side was.

You looked simply stunning, with your hair long and open and your shoulders exposed. You were wearing only a little bit of make up and showed your beautiful smile.

‘There you go Mr Murphy’ Laura then said as she returned to the bedroom with another glass of wine, pulling Cillian’s phone out of his hand and climbing on top of him.

‘Round Two?’ she then asked eagerly as she reached for another condom, but Cillian’s thoughts were elsewhere entirely.

‘Maybe tomorrow, I am tired. It has been a long week, sorry’ he explained, causing Laura to pout with disappointment.

But the second round never eventuated as Cillian left Laura’s house the following morning to drive back to Manchester to resume filming.

On his way back to Manchester, he called his daughter Denise to check on her and while he did, he enquired about your companion on the Instagram posts.

‘Why do you want to know?’ Denise asked somewhat confused but Cillian played it cool.

‘He looks familiar, that’s all. Didn’t he go to your school?’ he then asked, playing dumb.

‘Oh god no, he is 29. His name is Connor and he is an accountant. Y/N wouldn’t date anyone our age. You know she isn’t a normal 21-year-old’ Denise joked, referring to your nerdiness and intellect.

‘Apparently not’ Cillian chuckled before asking another question about the stranger on the picture. ‘So, they are dating?’ he asked.

‘I think they went on two or three dates or something. Why do you care?’ Denise asked.

‘No reason. I was just wondering’ Cillian confirmed before changing the topic.

Tag List:

@lilymurphy03@deefigs @theflamecrystal @desperate-and-broken @weepingstudentfishhorse @livinginfantaxy @rosey1981 @atomicsoulcollecto @peakyboyslover @nerdy4itall@elenavampire21 @hanster1998@mariapaiva13 @fairypitou @harry-is-your-sunflower @zozeebo @lauren-raines-x @kasaikawa @littlewierdalien @sad-huffle-nerd @theflamecrystal @peakymalfoyscullymulder @themissthang@0ghostwriter0 @stylescanbeatmyback @1-800-peakyblinders @datewithgianni @momoneymolife @ntmynouis @lilymurphy03 @mcntsee@cloudofdisney@missymurphy1985 @peakymalfoyscullymulder @otterly-fey @janelongxox @uchihacumdump @basiclassy @being-worthy @chaotic-bean-of-smolness @margoo0 @chocolatehalo @vhscillian @ysmmsy @littlewierdalien @crazymar15 @stickyknightflowerbailiff @im-constantly-fangirling @goldensunflowe-r @tellingyouastory @captivatedbycillianmurphy @namelesslosers @littlewhiterose @ttzamara @ttzamara @cilleveryone

@peaky-cillian

@severewobblerlightdragon @ysmmsy

#cillian murphy smut #Cillian Murphy x Reader #cillian murphy #cillian murphy imagine #cillian murphy x y/n #cillian murphy x you

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bettsfic · 3 years

Note

Hi betts! I hope you’re doing alright and that your semester is wrapping up smoothly. I have a question about genre, I guess? I’ll preface this with the fact that I am not a writer or lit person, but just an enthusiastic reader. But as I’ve been on Tumblr and TikTok (in this case BookTok), I’ve noticed that it’s a lot of the same kinds of books that people get obsessed over. Largely, SFF written by women and often in “new adult.” I’m thinking of V. E. Schwab, Leigh Bardugo, etc. I’ve read a number of these books and enjoyed some of them quite a lot, but they’ve never captivated me the way they do some. That’s fine, people have different tastes. But after being served yet another TikTok about this same category of book, I kinda realized that for some reason they just don’t feel that adult to me. Which is weird because they typically deal with very adult themes. Some are super sexual or violent and the like, but the way they’re written doesn’t feel mature to me. Even The Poppy Wars, which is very adult, falls into this category for me (I did enjoy this one, though). I’ve tried to interrogate this for bias, especially since I know a lot of people like them because they are written by women, (mostly) feature more diversity, and have large female audiences. But then I think about which books did feel adult, but fall in similar genres: N. K. Jesimin and Ursula Le Guin come to mind (even her youth fiction feels more adult to me). So I guess I’m curious what you feel makes a writing style more mature versus simply the content? Why is it that SFF, while often depicting adult events, doesn’t come across as mature? I guess my frustration is that it’s one of my favorite genres, but the recommendations I’m getting across many folks just...isn’t the SFF I want. How does one distinguish between these? Idk if I’ve expressed this well and I definitely am not trying to judge people. I’m just looking for a certain atmosphere in my reading that I find rarely.

i’m so excited i have an answer to this. so first i want to say, i experience this also and it’s why i struggle to get through a lot of books. it’s why i love the secret history but couldn’t get twenty pages into if we were villains, even though everyone told me they had a lot in common. even if the description of a book is compelling and the story is very much to my taste, and even if the writing is totally competent, i’ve found that sometimes there’s just something lacking that makes me set a book down and never pick it back up.

i was thrilled to find there’s term for this: the implied author.

the implied author was coined by wayne c. booth in his book the rhetoric of fiction which, while dense, is a really fantastic read (if you’ve been keeping up with my newsletter you know how feral i am for this book). as a blanket definition, the implied author is the space that exists between the narrator and the writer. when you read something, you can’t make any factual conclusions about the writer (the author is dead and all that), but the narration often tips you off to the idea that the consciousness behind the writing is wiser and knows more than the narrator.

that’s a very condensed version of booth’s definition, which takes up like 40 pages. here forward are some conclusions i’ve drawn based on it.

when the space between the narrator and implied author is narrow, some of us as readers tend to get bored pretty quickly. it’s what you’re referring to as maturity. however, when that space is wide, when it’s clear that the implied author is much, much bigger than the narration, that’s when i’m willing to sink my teeth into something. the wider that distance, the more i’m happy to ignore things like syntactical clumsiness or poor grammar. i would follow a good implied author into hell.

for example, i could write a story from the point of view of a violent abuser. if you were to read it, you wouldn’t be able to say for certain that i, the writer, was not a violent abuser also. but you would be able to tell via the implied author whether or not there is an awareness of the abuse, whether it’s being written with intentionality. not morality, mind you, but artistic purpose.

the implied author has an idiosyncratic relationship to the reader. sometimes depending on the complexity of the work and the critical reading skills of the reader, the presence of the implied author can be invisible. this is the catalyst, imo, to a significant amount of the present morality discourse. many (if not all) purity officers and antis don’t have the reading skills to be able to see the implied author, or that the moral trespasses that occur in fiction are written intentionally and for a purpose. they believe that anything depicted in fiction is advocating for or promoting that which it’s depicting.

lolita is kind of the ultimate classic example of the inability of some readers to see the implied author. nabokov even has a fictional preface from the pov of a scholar doing research, flat-out telling us that humbert is a bad guy and Do Not Trust Him. and yet, lolita has been misinterpreted and vilified for decades now.

in that same vein, the implied author is the reason that some stories put a bad taste in our mouths. it’s how we reach the conclusion that a story is racist or sexist or homophobic outside the literal depictions of racism, sexism, and homophobia. how can you witness racism taking place in a story and know that it’s speaking to the experience of racism and not advocating for racism? that’s the presence of the implied author. sometimes, though, you can’t tell. sometimes a writer tries to speak to the experience of something and fails at making clear their own awareness. or sometimes, they’re just not aware at all.

in fanfiction, the implied author takes place, in part, in the tags. i remember stumbling upon a fic written by a purity officer which depicted an extremely unhealthy, non-negotiated power dynamic. and none of it was tagged. i had no evidence the author was aware that they were even writing something “problematic.” obviously i support their right to depict whatever kind of relationship they want for whatever reason they want, but i did find it a bit off-putting, that this person who was a known harasser in fandom had no seeming understanding that they were writing the very kind of fic they were rallying against.

but, you know, my hands aren’t clean either. until the MFA, i was a very poor reader. for example, in 2010 i read the hunger games for the first time. in 2020 i re-read the series on my kindle, where all my annotations from 2010 had been saved, and so i got to see all my glaring misinterpretations of the text. every time katniss has to get dolled up in the capitol and made beautiful, i left a note like “ugh,” because i thought all depictions of performative femininity were Bad. even though thg is a YA book and i was an honors student in college, i was still unable to see that katniss’s beautifying was commentary on consumerism. i was oblivious to collins’ implied author, the presence in the book that is shaking you by the shoulders and going, THIS IS WHAT’S WRONG WITH SOCIETY.

but sometimes, like in your case, the opposite situation occurs: you the reader are wider than the implied author, and so some books have little to offer you in terms of depth or insight into the human experience. i don’t mean that to sound pretentious or anything; what i mean is, we all read at different skill levels and for different reasons, and we all get different things out of the stories we read. we’re all at different places in our reading lives, and we all have room to grow.

i hope i explained this clearly enough! hopefully one day i’ll be able to write a formal essay on this, because booth wrote about it in the 60s and a lot has happened in fiction since then.

#implied author #writing advice #Anonymous

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irenedubrovna · 3 years

Text

A post regarding Euphoria for the benefit of myself and basically no one else

So, it really bothers me when people say Euphoria is groundbreaking, progressive media. Here’s a dissection of why I don’t think it is, because this is what I feel like doing at work:

The character of Rue is objectively great. She by far receives the least overt sexualization, and is treated neutrally in terms of active sexuality. She’s treated like a normal teenage girl with mental issues and an addiction to drugs. She falls in love with a girl who she pines for and places on a pedestal. The reason I think she is written this way is because she is a Sam Levinson proxy. She written with gender ambiguity and with little regard to the experiences she’d go through as a black gay female, probably because Sam Levinson has no insight to that aspect of life. Her performance is heightened of course by Zendaya, who breathes unique life to the Sam Levinson’s artistic extension, and without her performance this show would not get even half the acclaim it gets. Attribute that to Zendaya of course, because the director has done little to deserve this acclaim.

The rest of the females, sans Lexi, are pornified to a disgusting extent, not only due to the fact that they are supposed to be underage, but also because their existence as people is treated as being absolutely secondary to their sexual appeal. They are foremost presented in terms of their relation to sex. Cassie, Maddy, Jules, and Kat cannot be removed from their sexuality without disrupting the plot or their journeys in relation to the plot. Why are the females so intrinsically linked to uber fetishized versions of female sexuality, or uber fetishized versions of blossoming female sexual identity?

Maddy is presented not only scantily clad 90 percent of the time, but also dressed in a precariously unattainable sexual fashion. At any given time she is styled to look straight out of, simultaneously, a high fashion editorial, and a “barely legal” porno. She is airheaded and profane, and promiscuous, her mannerisms dictated by the adult films she’s “studied” in order to project an image of perfect hyper sexual femininity. She’s complacent in becoming a prototypical housewife because it will earn her a comfortable place as a trophy wife. She has no aspirations beyond that. So, let’s unpack all of that. Maddy’s role in the show is mostly passive. The most active thing she does in the plot is revenge fuck a man in the pool of a party. Nearly everything else she does in the show that is plot relevant is of someone else’s volition. Even less of what she in the show is related to anything other than a man. She is abused and then pressured into framing another man for said abuse. She has no agency as a character. The only notable difference to this rule is when she takes drugs at a carnival, knocks a pot of chili over, and calls her ex’s mom a cunt. Removed from her active sexual life and carefully cultivated aesthetic, she’s a trite stereotype of an unambitious girlfriend who gets treated poorly. I see people call Maddy iconic, but if she wasn’t gorgeous and well dressed, I doubt anyone would even think twice about her, let alone create fancams and Instagram pages dedicated to her. She exists as a plot device, and as pretty set dressing to build up the shows aesthetic. Her emotions are not well explored, her motivations are sexist, and she is often there to be demeaned, objectified, or to say a bad word. The most damning part of her involvement in this show is her episode where it is stated that she, as a fourteen year old girl, lost her virginity to an adult man, and it is stated she was in control of the situation. This is a dangerous thing to say about a character, to any audience, but especially a young one. To imply that a precocious young girl was in control during her first sexual encounter with a much much older man implies things that frankly border on rape apologist ideology. This show states this unflinchingly and with no further elaboration. If there’s one thing that tells you that Euphoria is a bad show, let it be that. Also, if there’s one thing that tells you about Sam Levinson as a person, and the way he views girls and women, let it fucking be that.

Jules is a young trans girl. She also likes to have sex with men as a means to “conquer femininity”. Scratch that, she likes to have degrading sex with older men in order to “conquer femininity”. This mindset is shown to be toxic, of course, but I think the problem with this idea in general is that there’s no deeper exploration for what this mindset means. It implies that she believes women are the sum of their intrigue and degradations. This mindset I can only assume would be a cultivation of dysphoria and internalized misogyny, which this series is absolutely not prepared to address in a tactful manner. Jules is a teenager with mental illness, trauma, and is undergoing an identity crisis. There’s something powerful in her character, something worth saying, however we only get trimmings of those meaningful things, and are ultimately left with a hurtful depiction of a trans girl because all of her musings on womanhood and identity are incomplete, and they fail to reach beyond the surface of their thesis statement. She wears colorful clothing, is overtly feminine and artistic in her presentation. Everything about her screams insecurity over her own womanhood. That is the crux of her character. Now, I think we should ask ourselves, is trans person who is insecure about their identity peak representation? Is this what trans people deserve? Is it “groundbreaking “? If this show was run by someone else, I might be inclined to say that there’s nothing insidious about this, but this is the guy that made Assassination Nation, so I think we know what he thinks of young women, the way they should be portrayed (that is, for the capitulation of a man) and realize his inclusion of a trans woman in his cast is no more meaningful than the inclusion of any other woman. Women to him are made to be categorized and should, at the end of the day, be easily palatable for the capitulation of a man. The device of having Jules being interested in older men and rough sex for identity reasons is transparent. Trans women are exploited and objectified with a similar fervor to cis women, the caveat being that they are “a forbidden fruit” of sorts to straight men. Jules is sissified, her presentation fetishistic. Her role in the plot is more involved. Her relationship with Rue is sweet, though toxic on both sides. She is ultimately betrayed, blackmailed, and snowballs into something of a manic episode, all well portrayed by Hunter Schafer, but I don’t think her inclusion in the show absolves it of any of its many sins.

Let’s talk about Cassie. Cassie is the Eurocentric beauty standard exemplified. She is the blonde haired blue eyed girl next store, and her boobs are of course always on display. She is notably promiscuous, something I say right off the bat because that’s how she’s introduced, as a so called slut through the words of the devil (Nate Jacobs). She is a girl with daddy issues, which we are all familiar with at this point. Her sexual boundaries begin and end at the whim of her partner. The terms of her consent are much like the terms of consent of many young girls brainwashed by society and the rising tide of degradation porn: everything is alright as long as you provide them comfort and affirmation afterward. You can touch them roughly without asking, you can use them as a tool to affirm your masculinity. This is the way men prefer their women now: just broken enough to say yes to anything they want. It’s become a joke at this point. Men like girls with issues, but only the ones that will feed their own desires. Cassie Howard is meek. Her inclusion in the plot I suppose ties to themes of drug addiction and how it divides and destroys the people you love. It doesn’t show what it does to her beyond shaping her sexual encounters, which is no surprise. Overall I’d say Cassie is in this roster of females as the most traditional categorically, in relation to how men view women and further how they sexualize them. She has a relationship with someone who doesn’t really love her. That mostly what she does here. Gets used. Doesn’t drive the plot or conflict much. More pretty set dressing. More aesthetics. How this show consists of so many women but is driven so much by men is unsurprising, and, again, very enlightening in the grand scheme of things.

Lastly we touch on Kat. I’d like to begin with the fact that self actualization through sexual exploration, in a show run by a man, is just a cloak for a woman to gratify the audience with her sexuality. Regardless of whether or not she is plus sized, this is overt objectification. She is on this show to be sexy. Beyond that, the fact that a minor using sex work as a form of liberation is disgusting. Whether or not she is portrayed as “owning” her sexuality is negligible, and speaks to the same mindset discussed with Maddy. Minors cannot fucking consent to sex, sexual acts, or anything within the confines of such. It’s crazy that this occurs with two different characters in such a similar way. It has echoes of “Well, she looked older..” and “Well, she wanted it..” or “She’s advanced for her age”. Never, not once in the events of the series is there meaningful introspection on what doing this kind of thing does to a minor. Moreover, these acts are explicit, and made clearly for sexual gratification. None of these things are absolved by the fact that she’s plus sized. If anything, her body type is fetishized in this context. It’s also another case of a “good girl to bad girl” transformation, which are archaic and, of course, sexist. With the rise of adult websites targeting minors for explicit content, this is even more reprehensible. Once again, in terms of representation, is this really what speaks to you as progressive? Groundbreaking? A girl gains control of her own narrative by having sex with lots of men. She gains control by being sexy. She gains control by dehumanizing and objectifying herself. No she doesn’t. Media controlled by men will tell this story to you thousands of times, don’t listen because she’s bigger than a size four.

ALL OF THESE CHARACTERS ARE UNDERAGE. ALL OF THEM HAVE EXPLICIT SEX SCENES, EVEN THE SEXUAL ASSAULT IS MADE CINEMATICALLY PORNIFIED. THESE SHOTS ARE MADE TO BE OBJECTIVELY SEXY. THIS IS NOT A CASE OF SOMEONE CREATING SOMETHING FOR THE SAKE OF REALISM. IT IS ABOUT MAKING SCENES THAT SPEAK TO A MALE AUDIENCE. THAT CATER TO THE MALE GAZE. ARGUE WITH THE WALL.

I won’t go further into the plot, other characters, or the structure or the episodes for sake of brevity, but I felt compelled to air my thoughts on this to the void. I can only hope I was critical enough that Sam Levinson will one day see this and cry because another bad feminist thinks something that he made sucks

#euphoria #I don’t even think anyone will read this but #it’s just not good #sorry #anti euphoria #anti Sam Levinson

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