#esp when u dont really have a basis for them
Jack Rabbit Heart - Sanemi/Uzui [4/4]
A usual for them; Uzui lording over his height, knowing how much of a sore spot it had been for him now that Genya had shot up. Sanemi rolled his shoulders, ready to snark at him, and begin their old song and dance.
Only, Uzui had to go and tip his head down and chase the taste of sweet wine on Sanemi’s tongue.
3 Times Uzui kisses Sanemi, and 1 Time Sanemi kisses Uzui.
AO3 | 1| 2| 3 | HERE
Sanemi had gone in circles. Doubling back, cutting across, looping and looping and winding up to the one answer he mentally kept skirting around: He liked Tengen.
He liked Tengen.
Enough to be soft and panicky deep inside. Enough to try to sear the phantom feel of his touch to memory; to wake up half delirious chasing words he could see forming in dreams but eluded his ears. Not enough, though, to actually man up and say anything.
Worse, he thought, was how Tengen didn't seem affected. He joked and smiled and laughed like nothing. Like kissing Sanemi wasn't anything important. Tengen was flirtatious by nature, but he was never one to settle down. Too quick to pin down, too flighty to know the touch of the earth under his heels. Sanemi more than once snapped his pen in half, peeved at the thought.
It was a foreign concept at times where his feelings had come from. So strange to wake up one day and suddenly have a head and heart full of someone he'd known for the better part of his life. He'd told himself he'd never thought of Tengen that way.
He scoured his memories trying to pick apart every detail, every touch, every feeling that might have laid there. He tried failingly to convince himself there wasn't anything to his feelings. No pennies at the bottom of a well, filling up so slowly, so surely that they'd come spilling out over the stone sides.
It had been so gradual, he hadn't even realized how far gone he'd become. He hadn't fallen from the beginning, that much he knew. He'd always had his eyes on Tengen but it was only in recent years, through recent fuck ups and victories that it had shifted.
The first time Tengen had turned his pretty wine-red gaze at him, the way his fingers swept his fringes from his face. The first time he'd said Sanemi's name wrong. The first time he'd said Sanemi's name right.
The hand that grabbed at the back of his shirt when he'd punched Akaza on Kyojuro's behalf. The wobbly curve of Tengen's mouth when his father had coldly laid dying in his bed, as proud and untouchable as he'd always been. Tengen coming to Genya's soccer game. Tengen and Kyojuro and Giyuu wishing his mother a happy Mother's Day. Tengen sleepily quizzing him, sitting with him, laughing with him.
Tengen's need to be curled so close, no space between them. Like he craved touch, latching onto it with greedy hands.
It wasn’t even that Sanemi was special for it. He was this way with all of them. Tengen was handsy. Always had been. Had grown up yearning for warmth in that big, frigid mansion of his. He'd always sat halfway into Kyojuro's lap most times when they were together. Despite how funny Giyuu could be, the same as Tengen really just different ends of the same ruler, Tengen brought out the greedy side in him. Giyuu might even lean against him some days, silently reading his trash novels.
Four dumbasses with a load of issues. If Sanemi could put it mildly.
So, no. Sanemi didn't want to say anything. Didn't want to be the fool that got the signals wrong. It wasn't Tengen's fault that he'd gone and caught feelings. Sanemi knew all that but damn was he an idiot.
Three days later, Giyuu had finally piped up. "Are you mad at Uzui?"
Sanemi snorted. "No more than usual."
"But you're upset."
Sanemi grumbled. Tengen rarely washed dishes, his clothes never fully stayed in their hamper, and his makeup was usually cluttering the bathroom counter. Nothing new, same old grievances.
"It's his turn to scrub the pots," He said lamely.
Giyuu dragged his gaze to him away from his laptop. It was flatter than usual. Sanemi didn’t think he was much of an expert in decoding Giyuu’s stoic faces but this one seemed close to exasperated. "You should tell him."
Sanemi nearly choked.
Giyuu raised a brow. His mouth quirked just a little to the side. "To wash the pots. He won't know if you don't say so."
"I shouldn't have to. He...knows."
Giyuu shrugged. "True, but Uzui can be a little air-headed, too."
Sanemi begrudgingly agreed.
Sanemi hadn’t known Uzui to be the quiet type. He could keep quiet if he needed to, but it wasn’t exactly in his nature. So it was odd that Uzui was so pensive now. He let Uzui be for the first week. He had figured he needed a moment to deal with himself; to deal with whatever was clearly distressing him. But by the second week, his makeup was starting to look horrible. He was taking far less pains to wing his liner and blend out his eyeshadow.
(Sanemi had gotten an entire lecture on makeup once against his will. That being said, he appreciated the hard work that could go into it. Uzui had perfected his craft. At least...on himself.)
Smudged concealer was giving way to darkened under eyes. From across the small table, Giyuu’s brows bunched together. It was bad, then, if Giyuu was so outwardly worried. Even Kyojuro wasn’t having luck riling Uzui up into a friendly competition. He just waved him off. Nail polish chipped, hair tied back, and disappeared into his room.
When week three rolled around, Sanemi had had enough. He gave one short knock before he was bursting into Uzui’s room. Uzui didn’t look surprised, but he also didn’t look like he’d had the energy for it.
All the things Sanemi had been storing inside of him to ask suddenly fell away. He looked at his friend laying listlessly on his bed, in a ratty old hoodie and dulled beyond recognition. Sanemi gripped the doorknob and set his eyes to the logo on Uzui’s hoodie.
“You hungry?” He said, instead.
Uzui dragged his eyes over to him, looking all the world like he couldn’t figure out if he wanted to answer or not. Sanemi beat him to it. He strode across the room and took Uzui by the upper arm and pulled.
“Up. We’re eating.”
He led Uzui out and pushed him into one of the chairs. He heard him slump back into it and set to cooking. No pot went unused. No meal short of perfection. Sanemi poured his all into the meal before he’d set it down in front of Uzui and then sat himself across from him.
He jutted his chin at it. “Eat.”
A beat, then a few more passed before Uzui did. He ate almost begrudgingly. Eat bite a little more harsh than necessary. Until halfway through one dish, he seemed to thaw. Little by little the rigid line in his shoulder gave way. Uzui unwound. He was halfway through the third when he stopped.
Uzui’s mouth took a harsh, straight line. “My father is dying.”
Sanemi made a noise. “How long?”
“Couple months now. Found out by accident.” Uzui laughed, low and bitter. “He wasn’t going to tell any of us. Proud fucking bastard. He was just going to wither away and leave us with some, i don’t know, note or something. About who gets what and who doesn’t and why we suck.”
“I’m sorry,” Sanemi said. He was.
For as much of a bastard as Uzui’s father was, Uzui still wanted to love him. He’d talked about knowing better, admitted it was probably, definitely a giant waste. He’d still wished he could. Still wanted to. Hoping that one day, even for a brief moment, the thing he saw in Sanemi’s mom, in Rengoku’s, in Giyuu’s sister, might reflect back.
Uzui shrugged. “Another month or so.”
Sanemi knew none of Uzui’s siblings would reach out. He hoped but realistically they both knew better. A feeling between a stomach ache and anger overcame him. Too angry to form words and queasy with the thought of how alone his friend must feel.
Sanemi didn’t miss a rat bastard hair on his father’s head. But he’d had his siblings and his mother. When he got too close to wishing for a different outcome, he would turn to them.
Sanemi shoved the half-finished plate back towards Uzui, startling him.
“We’re going to go see your old man,” He said with finality. “Finish that, clean up. And we’ll. Pick a day.”
Uzui sputtered. He tried to push the plate back, only to be met with Sanemi’s glare. He glared back, then reached his chopsticks out with a grimace.
“We’re just going to show up to my shitty old man’s place? Just show up and act like he’s not going to be the biggest bastard in the world?”
“You know he is. You know he will be. But it’s not about him. It’s about you.” Sanemi stole a piece from Uzui’s plate. He slid piece after piece out of his chopsticks’ grip, watching in his periphery as a flush of life returned to his cheeks. “Even if he doesn’t care, say what you need to. Say goodbye.”
Sanemi had seen Uzui’s father exactly three times in their whole time of knowing each other. He stood so tall, all but his eyes seemed to pierce over the frosty summit of his shoulders. Here and now, it was odd to see him at eye level. He held himself the same. It didn’t matter how far he’d come plummeting, the frigid air about him remained the same, as if he’d never left the sky he’d pierced.
He looked at Uzui like one might look at a fly. An invasive little creature, full of noise and annoyance. He said nothing. He looked at his son. He looked beyond him, maybe, and said nothing.
“...Well, old man,” Uzui said, an almost imperceptible tremble in his voice. “I’ll -- see you later.”
His father seemed to scoff, though his mouth remained closed. He rolled his eyes and looked to the bleak white wall to the side.
Sanemi took Tengen by the ends of his sleeve and pulled him towards him. He pulled until they were out of the room and the mansion, and the property. The frost falling away from their shoulders and into the falling sunset.
Sanemi walked close to Tengen, letting their bodies bump together as they made their way home.
“...Thanks.” Tengen said.
“Don’t sweat it.”
Tengen bumped into him, leaning a little too much of his weight on him and smiled. Sanemi smiled back.
Kyojuro spilled sake all over Tengen’s lap. It splashed across onto Giyuu who knocked into Sanemi. They sat flush and stupid together on the living room floor. Drinking and howling and laughing together. At all sides there was someone pressing against Tengen.
Sanemi could remember the way Tengen had thrown back his head, laughing with his whole body. He leaned back against the couch, just out of harm's way of Giyuu reaching for Kyojuro who only laughed in response. Their eyes met, a little hazy and unfocused. Tengen’s eyes were red-rimmed but bright. He smiled wider than the drunken flush across his cheeks. He tilted his head, long white hair falling over his shoulder. He looked at Sanemi and his eyes crinkled. The smile got smaller, but no less genuine. Serene and true and wholly so pretty. He raised his mostly empty sake cup to Sanemi who raised it back.
Maybe it had been then. Maybe it had been every single before. Now it was everything after.
Kyojuro was humming, chopsticks paused in his mouth. He began eating again. Sanemi squinted at him from over his (Giyuu’s) book. He hummed again a few minutes later. Sanemi frowned.
“Thinking hard, Kyo?”
Kyojuro shrugged. “Thinking about how telephones make communicating easier but messages still manage to get lost.”
Sanemi squinted harder. “What the hell does that mean.”
Sanemi had thought him strange when they had first met. He’d been yelling delicious! behind the school during lunch when Sanemi had gone looking for somewhere quiet to eat. To his surprise, a kid who looked so well-liked and boisterous, seemed so content to be away from the noise. He couldn’t shut up for the life of him, but his company was far more enjoyable than Sanemi could realize.
He made Uzui seem grounded in the way his head sometimes seemed to orbit the Earth. He smiled more than he felt, tripped more than he should have, and kept himself inline better than most. He could stupid well, but never more than he could right himself from. It came with a level of self awareness Sanemi had come to admire. Kyojuro wore his heart on his sleeve, but he knew every curve and angle of it.
Kyojuro grinned at him. “I think,” He paused to put some more food in his mouth. “You two are idiots.”
Sanemi made an affronted noise.
Kyojuro stood and checked his phone. He grinned before going to dump his plate in the kitchen. “Tomioka and I will be out for a while.”
They were out together a lot lately, Sanemi noticed. He watched Kyojuro pull on his shoes at the door. His friend motioned his head to Uzui’s room.
“All this looking down and away isn’t helping. Even if you sound dumb, there’s no use waiting around trying to pull an answer you dont have out of half-things. You might as well go for it.” Kyojuro grinned and flashed him a thumbs-up. ““I believe in you, though. Both of you. To figure it out.”
“So, you into Tomioka or something?”
Tengen looked up from his phone. “No more than usual. Why?”
Sanemi rolled his eyes. “You kissed him like it meant something.”
Tengen raised a brow. He slid his leg off from over his other one and planted it flat to the ground. “Just a friendly smooch. Jealous?”
Sanemi bared his teeth, gritting out a, “No”.
“Good. There’s nothing to be jealous about. If I kiss Giyuu or Kyo that’s my business. I can hug and kiss who I want.”
“I didn’t say you couldn’t,” Sanemi said, defensively.
“Sure sounds like it.” Tengen twisted his mouth in an ugly frown. “What’s a little affection between friends?”
“You kiss them like you kiss me?”
Tengen looked away then, suddenly chastened. In a tiny voice he said, “No.”
“No? Whaddya mean no?”
“How it sounds, dumbass. I don’t kiss them like you. We’re just friends. You kiss your siblings all the time, why can’t I kiss them?”
“It’s different! That’s my family! Kyo and Giyuu aren’t your - Fuck.” Sanemi stopped. “Ten…”
Tengen laced his fingers together, opening them up like a book to peer at. His eyes tracked along the lines of his palms, gathering his thoughts along each curve.
“I told you that time how much I envied you, didn’t I, Sanemi? How much I wished I could be greeted the way you were when you came home. Like they couldn’t get enough of you even if they’d just seen you the day before.”
Tengen rubbed one thumb over the other. He kept his eyes resolutely down, too afraid to look up at where Sanemi’s eyes settled across him. He was keenly aware of what expression he might face, what was written across the other man’s face. Tengen set his jaw crooked, sick with his envy, with the chasm he’d cracked open with his words.
“It was a joke at first. I’d kissed Kyo when he got mad about the car. He’d waved it off and told me that it was fine. When Giyuu was making dinner that one time, I’d leaned all over him and he hadn’t even seemed bothered. I’d seen your siblings do it a thousand times with you, with Genya. The same with Senjuro, or the Kamados and Giyuu.”
“I couldn’t really stop after that and they didn’t feel weird about it so I kept going.” He looked up at Sanemi. “It was you I was…”
Sanemi grimaced. Afraid? Had Tengen been afraid? Tengen was rarely ever so vulnerable. Even if he might have been intimidated, he’d forged forward despite all that. Sanemi’s eyes widened a bit in realization.
The stupid part of Sanemi’s brain spoke first.
“Since when are you such chicken shit?”
Tengen’s eyes flashed, shoulders drawn up to his ears but looking like he wanted to dive right at him.
“You wanted all that with me? Maybe I wanted that too,” Sanemi groused. Tengen pointed a harsh, disbelieving finger.
“I didn’t think you felt the same, stupid! I went and made it all weird when I caved and kissed you that one time, what was I supposed to do?”
“Say something, asshole! Anything. I had no idea what you were thinking. I thought you were just messing around!”
“I had know idea what you were thinking, either! You looked so weirded out by it, I thought I’d ruined everything.”
“Asshole, that’s what I thought!”
“I’ve been wanting to hold your stupid hand and kiss your stupid face for years!”
“Turns out I did, too, asshole!”
A beat passed. Sanemi grew fed up and strode across the room towards Tengen. They stared at each other a while, not moving, not crossing the tiny invisible barrier keeping them apart. Sanemi’s hand shot out, faster than even Tengen could track.
“You fucker,” Sanemi said. He hooked a finger into Tengen’s choker and yanked him down. He stood firm when he collided into him, and kissed him with all the frustration and want he’d been piling up for gods knew how long.
He kissed harshly and wild, a windstorm, a stake, and dared Tengen to push back. Tengen hesitated, just a second, before he was settling a hand to Sanemi’s shoulder. He slid it over the curve of his neck, long fingers pressed into the pulse point. Then it traveled along the wide expanse of his back and pulled them flushed together.
When Sanemi finally had to come up for air, he did it with reluctance. For once, Tengen had nothing to say. He looked at Sanemi like all the words he could say too jumbled up inside of him to come out making sense. Snaemi snorted, and allowed himself to smile shyly.
“We’re idiots,” Tengen settled on.
“Big, fucking idiots.”
“I’m in love with your stupid ass.”
Sanemi knocked his forehead lightly against Tengen’s chin. He placed a kiss just under it. “Me, too.”
Tengen shuffled uneasily from foot to foot. “Are you going to make me stop being affectionate with Kyo and Giyuu?”
Sanemi shook his head. “No. I wouldn’t do that to you. Just make sure I get first, though. I refuse to lose to Tomioka.”
Tengen lightly punched him in the arm. He fell over against Sanemi, arms lazily looped around his shoulders and pressed his nose into the side of his neck.
“Yeah, I can do that.”
Giyuu blanched on his way out of the kitchen. "Can you two not makeout on the dining table? We eat there."
AN: a long ride but here we are at the end.
i started it thinking "lol ill just make an uzusane fic for fun" and ended up going, "what if i explored a bit of that fine line between friends and romantic partners because i also have a bit of a messy head distinguishing the two at times. how do you know which is which sometimes."
don't think its that well executed but its been a lot more fun to write than i anticipated.
biggest of all thanks to @cldreality as always for being a great person to bounce ideas off of and understanding my mishmash of thoughts.
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Imported from journal 4/3/21
First of all
I told my parents I was definitely not ace (even though i am)
THE MOST RECENT INCIDENT !!! THE START OF THE STORY BECAUSE I DIDNT HAVE TIME TO EXPLAIN IT LAST TIME
SO I SHOWED THEM THE RECORDING OF THAT THING I MADE WOTH THE MUSIC TO SHOW WHAT ITS LIKE IN MY BEAD RIGHT
**Oh right side note, I made a thing to show partly what it’s like in my head in a regular basis but I toned it down a bit so it’s not complete. This was five songs I had stuck in my head one day and I spent a couple hours on it to make it as accurate as I could as to what the music aspect of my head is like and was right then. The songs always change depending on the day tho. And also I have multiple trains of thought going at once (I know it’s confusing) plus music and the noise around me and whatever I’m doing plus inner monologue all at once and sometimes I just zone out and there’s nothing or I get too distracted in my head to notice the outside stuff anyway here’s the music aspect of it https://www.bandlab.com/revisions/2b042a2e-7a8b-eb11-85aa-0050f28a50ba anyway back to the story **
that spiraled into a two and a half long conversation with me crying a lot
Um, so we were talking abt the music stuff and it was going good and crap and then um we were talking and my mom was like well is it really that crazy all the time and I was like well yes but more stuff usually so worse and they were like well maybe you should cut down on the amount of music aside from like classical to help so it doesn’t get stuck in ur head so much and that’s frankly a valid suggestion so I don’t blame them, they were trying to help but that kinda ticked me off and I might have overreacted bc (I use music to distract myself and also to keep myself in a good mood bc otherwise it fades pretty quick into neutral if I don’t keep doing things to stay happy, which reminds me maybe I’ll get tested for depression but I am not bringing that up to my parents I don’t trust them oh whew I haven’t said that out loud I don’t trust them anyway) I was like no absolutely not I am gonna keep listening to my music but thanks for the idea anyway and they were like you don’t exactly listen to the best music all the time referring to that I don’t listen to much Christian music and a good chunk of it has bad meanings or cussing
So we were talking abt how my head is insane again, I very very quietly said since it’s so crazy and I’ve been really stressed I was kinda thinking about therapyyyyyy????
My dad but his hand on his forehead and went oh great EvErYbOdY nEeDs ThErApY nOwAdAyS
And my mom said why what would you even talk about, you can talk to us you know. Then as a joke she was like you just want someone to affirm youre asexual dont u
And that’s how my dad found out I was “wondering” if I was ace “back then”
AND OH BOY THAT WENT WORSE THAN IT DID WITH MY MOM
HE LEGIT HAD HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AND SAID QUITE LOUDLY LOOOOORD HELP US
So I straight up asked him what he thought of that stuff and
So APPARENTLY being ace, pan, demi, or anything else is conceptualized bullshit according to him, as established before but he said it again. To my face, after I had said that I was “wondering if I was ace” (obviously I know I am ace or maybe Demi, Demi is on the ace spectrum) so that hurt. A lot.
Ok so we talked about that a bit and yeah he says he’s fine with people being bi or pan or whatever but doesn’t think it’s right or whatever. So he has nothing against the people thankfulyt
And my parents both said they would love me no matter what, if I’m ace or bi or anything
I do know that they would love me still but I’m starting to doubt if they’d actually accept me esp if I’m not straight
My mom got all sad when I said I didn’t want kids of my own but I plan on adopting and she was like but I want grandkids and I was like did you not hear me I’ll be adopting and she was like it’s not the saaaaame and I just dropped it and was like ok we’ll figure that out when I’m older how bout. Then got into talking about how I don’t trust them and I told them loosely that I didn’t trust them as much as I used to (obviously I didn’t tell them I barely trust them at all with any of my personal issues) and stuff etc etc etc the talk went on longer, I cried a lot etc
Um also I don’t know what I am like romantic orientation wise like i know i’m asexual but romantic wise idk if i’m aromantic straight bi pan or demiromantic but i’ll figure that out some other time i guess
and the long rambly email, so far.
Hey brian. I don't know if I'm going to send this but I guess part of me just wants to know that I did my best to explain where I'm coming from even if nothing comes from it, I won't look back and be like well maybe if I'd explained myself more... idk. It feels futile bc in my experience it just feels like if you have decided some piece of information or feedback is threatening or uncomfortable to you, you will just refuse to hear it or acknowledge it til the end of time. which makes it utterly impossible to work through what should be simple conflicts.
I talked to MC about your visit today. she said something like, "I know you aren't someone who is freely vulnerable very often, and as someone who also struggles a lot to feel safe with vulnerability I can really understand how hard that was." I dont know brian, I guess thats why I wanna clarify that it wasn't that you weren't "emotionally available" bc like I said I really wasn't asking for or expecting anything from you. i was just expecting you not to actively throw it back in my face and make me feel like I would lose you for showing my feelings in front of you. I mean, I didn't actually know to ask that, because I hadn't really considered it as a possibility. I felt genuinely shocked. I couldn't imagine ever responding that way to you if the situations were reversed; it would feel so awful and cruel. when i was passive aggressive for a second while you were having anxiety I immediately felt so horrible. if anyone else in my life acted that way towards me, well, it's a moot point because no one else who I keep around in my life would dream of it. my therapist spends all this time trying to convince me that the people I love aren't going to abandon me if I let them see how I feel or let myself have my emotions in front of them but I guess she doesn't know you. i spend $100 a week trying to work through that shit so idk, pay me.
I know alcohol plays a role in the whole thing but I also feel not into like using alcohol as a catch all excuse anymore in my life, obviously I still drink but its not a good excuse for being shitty to people you care about, or at least for not taking responsibility for it. If you want to explain where you were coming from or your perception of the situation go ahead, I will listen. slash read and consider. maybe my memory is off. I just want to say that like being able to identify why you acted shitty doesn't justify it. youre an adult and should be able to take responsibility for yourself when youre feeling insecure or whatever. you dont get to just lash out at people without consequences because you were feeling bad or anxious. I don't think you hurt me because youre like "hurting parker is just my idea of a good time." and even if I had been mad about something you did, which I wasn't, I don't understand how that really makes it okay either...
If youre not a person I can feel safe like, crying in front of, telling you that I"m not mad at you but some hard feelings about sex were coming up for me and I was just processing it but it wasn't about you.... without you actively making me feel like shit for expressing that and like you would leave me as a result... how can i feel safe trusting you or like I can be myself around you? I mean especially as someone who is supposed to "love" and "care about" me sooo much who I've known forever, not some stranger... like if a tindr date said they were leaving bc I was crying, sure. but I think some tindr dates would be nicer than that. but you? I just don't know how you don't see that.
as a side note I guess it did honestly feel hurtful that you lavish so much love and affection on me from afar and then so instantly feel certain you dont feel that way actually when were in person. i know you shrug it off, and I can't say I'm exactly mad about it cause I guess you can't help it, but it does make me feel like all that love wasn't real and theres something wrong with me or something you dont like when you actually have to be around me. you tease me about saying that 5 days seemed "daunting" to you but it did actually make me sad that we talk on a constant basis and then like the idea of seeing me was so hard. i mean obviously in retrospect you were "right" to be nervous or something but yea I guess I just like I feel some rejection when it comes to you especially seeing you "in person" which feels hard and disconcerting when u go back to being all like in love with me once you're gone, yea idk and just have this whole time struggled with feeling alternately like some rejection and then also like really intense validation. but so it goes. i guess thats just saying that even if this visit hadnt be like Bad Bad bt had just been lackluster it would have felt weird to go back to talking how we had been.
but, who knows how this visit would have gone if that night hadn't happened, I know things were weird and off/awkward with us all weekend largely bc I didnt tell you how I was feeling but then also didnt know how to relax around you or be normal and yea that felt like no "spark" but maybe there wouldn't have been anyways, I don't know. I wish I'd said something sooner, also I hope you can understand why I didn't or was afraid to and who knows how the weekend would have gone if I had... maybe not any better, I dunno.
but yea not texting you right now still feels hard and sad. I've wanted so badly to text you throughout the day. I know we have leaned on each other too much in order to not feel lonely but yeah so now I feel really lonely especially with sophie gone, I just felt soooo alone after you left.
seeing you cry when I dropped you off made me want to take everything back and say I dont actually feel this way, I love you and of course you wont lose me, maybe I overreacted, etc etc just wanted to walk everything back. but I don't think I'm overreacting and idk I don't think that pretending everything is fine will fix anything... idk brian, i love you and I care about you and I can't imagine you not being in my life, although I guess you weren't really there for a bit. but sometimes people are friends for a long time and then they stop. I don't think I want that and I know you have been there for me in a lot of ways as well. I just dont know.. how do we interact in a way that isn't like codependently leaning on each other but isn't like distant and surface level either? I know you've said it was hard talking to me a ton after the last time we split , I know this sitch is different too but I dunno. I dunno how to find the right balance esp when I really am struggling to trust you in any sort of deep way. you also seemed to have this attitude of like "well I can't take it back now" and thats true but people/relationships do heal from hurt all the time it just takes a certain kinda work I don't feel that I will get from you.. happy to be proven wrong though..
I'm reading an article about "reforms" in the local sheriffs dept, they are getting body worn cameras and straight up saying the cops want them bc they think they will get the off the hook more often than not
*~*~*I talked to kyle last night, cried some, anyways he hates you now. jk ish. definitely was like "wow fuck that guy." which wasn't actually what I had intended to convey. It's hard for me to talk to other people in my life here about anything with you because idk, your behavior sometimes is just so unreasonable and unkind on its face people always get so like against you if I actually tell them things you say to me and such, and then I feel like I'm actually in this position of just like trying to defend you and be like "no but he can be really great though and I really love him" and such. I've been in that dynamic before in "relationships" where I don't feel I can tell my friends about what is actually going on because then they will absolutely not support me being with that person and yea it's not great. I know that I know you better than they do and that you're really a very caring and loving person but its hard to reconcile that sometimes with your thoughtlessness at other times. I guess this is what you were talking about earlier in this whole thing.. about how far we've drifted apart, I guess in terms of who we surround ourselves with and such. I told kyle youre someone I've known and loved for long before I started having the current standards I have for people in my life. but, I'm also really deeply grateful you're in my life, and I'm glad to have had you come into my life when you did and to have stayed in it all this time.I felt so much better and less alone after talking to kyle and that helped clarify how much I was freaking out because of missing you versus how much i was freaking out about being alone. it was nice feeling like I could cry around someone about something that was hurting me and have it actually create intimacy rather than drive them away, as it should, so that was validating and healing in a way, like yea im not crazy.
I don't want you to not be in my life. I want to continue having a close friendship with you that isn't like awkwardly not addressing unsaid things or like surface level and yeah like i want that trust back blah. and maybe I fucked that up by restarting things romantically when maybe we were on our way towards that again.
arms sore like from adrenaline
day 3 lol I'm getting pretty sad not talking to you or knowing how youre feeling. it's become less urgent because I don't feel lonely/alone anymore per se. getting a lot of comfort from kyle thats maybe weird/ co dependent in its own way, hes been staying in sophies room, making em coffee and breakfast in the mornings / walking me to work etc. yesterday had agood therapy session, then played cards with some rfiends, then met kyle at owls club and hung out with him and some nurses, then kyle stayed over and we talked until we were both falling asleep on the couches, tonight im maybe having dinner (sex? who knows? I think I dont want ot, I barely want to hang out with him at all it feels like a chore) tonight. still nothing physical with kyle, I wonder if cuddling may imminent, but idk.well so what im saying is when yo ufirst left I had this panicky feeling that I couldn't tell if was about fear of being alone or about missing you and the lsat few days I have felt better and less alone, and I sitll miss you, in a not urgent way but in a, I want to hear how you're doing and I want you in my life, way. I dont know brian. I feel I'm sort of processed what happened and I am mad indeed but as long as we know we can like never be involved romantically lol i can forgive that you have a lot of unhealed shit and act poorly a lot of the time in relationsihp idk. blabla. and not being involved romantically,well, it doesn't seem healthy to be so dependant on talking constantly so I don't think we can go back to that. but regularly, I would like.I dont want to not talk to you.
i wish more than anything he could have had this. i love you man
i really fucking do
my love for nirvana and immense respect for kurt isn't something i ever expected. after being a huge fan of jonghyun too as a musician, a person who had things to say, a human being. the people around him. i fucking hate that kurt is gone and i was like...2. i got into hole when i was like 25 really heavily and refused to listen to nirvana. didnt' care about these white boys. but there's a reason why people love this band and why they loved kurt. i get mad sometimes at his death—selfishness—and then i make jokes to deal and cope. we all do with everything. it's just that and this is from a cis person...but i know so many trans people or people on the gender spectrum who have read his journals see him as someone struggling with gender. and after years of thinking and becoming such a huge fan i think that was honestly the truth. i think at this point we're all pretty sure he was gender queer or struggling with identity.
his aversion for oppression, his stand with the marginalized, not accepting racism, homophobia, transphobia BECAUSE THAT IS THE HEART OF DIY (spurred by my black people cos ofc it is and we do everything) and i wish that he could have beeen better.
to me it seems like his pain with his crohns (or wahtever he had) lead to his intense struggle with drugs because that's pretty common when needing pain management. on top of that, his family's history of MI. on top of that, his life being hounded and not being prepared for it (this i think is the idea of white privilege at work and wasn't naive of him necessarily, but...it's just something he thought wouldnt happen to him. that's whiteness at work as who they were as a diy fucking anti pop anti capital punk band. sonic youth said 'we didnt sell out, we made them buy in') and his rship with courtney. he said without court he might be gay or bi.
i won't read his journals, it's too fucking much for me and i dont feel allowed or maybe i will when i can handle it, but i know reading about them and him and hearing the way he changed his songs and his abhorrence for bravado, for men that talk about women as disposable and sex objects, for not being able to enjoy a punk band, for the whiteness and maleness. krist novoselic was a 6'7 fucking bassist and dave grohl is a sizeable dude with hideous tattoos. back then, no one said a fucking bad thing about them. come as you are.
we know that suicide is a state we get into. when you go to a psych ward you see that it's actually calm and an ebb/flow. it is extremely fucking boring. the thing is we don't know if these feelings last forever. we can't go back and time and history cannot change. it was his decision, like jonghyun's, to end his life. but i know there could have been longer. if they got help. i try not to resent courtney especially not now with people being irresponsible and unearthing the FBI report on him. he killed himself but it was definitely emotionally sparred by her and she should have told people what happened weeks before his death.
but no one failed him per se. his suicide note is full of hope and it kills me to see. he should have been able to be whoever he wanted. been a son, been a daughter, been anything.
whenever i hear the changed lyrics or see him in a dress or hear distress i dont know. i wish we didnt lose him but i also know that no one wants to go back to that time. it wasn't necessarily great but it wasn't all bad. and i wish commodity didn't destroy legacy. i wish we werent's so obsessed with the death and gore instead of the liveliness and hilarity of this band and of kurt. and i wish we could talk about him more and the idea that maybe there's so much going on with it; i have many critiques for things they have done, things kurt has done as well.
i'm talking in circles but i genuinely just get bummed. every day he is still dead. but this dude man......i love him a lot. i'm so glad nirvana gave what they did to the world. getting to know kurt so long after the fact is fucking hard sometimes. it is frustrating. but focusing on the positives too or trying to understand another perspective has given me a lot of insight. and i always try and remember that it wasn't just one thing, that nirvana were a band, it wasn't just him, and he could have been better but it just didn't work out that way. it's not solely about his internal pain and the narrative of a tortured artist is suffocating.
he wanted to be a star, make this insane pop song, and when he got it he didnt realize it became everything he hated. he was already struggling and all this shit hit a point. i have mad respect for them still. dave grohl said billie eilish is the kurt of her gen (about 2 yrs ago) and that drives me up a wall for various reasons. antiblackness and class. fuck that. these dudes were poor as fuck trucking it through washington with other bands and the basis is blacness and black art they were trying to fight and make it and give a shit man. it didnt turn out the way they could handle but they were not PRIMIING themselvs for musical stardom. no artist who cares would do that. but if you get the recognition you want because who doesn't, it comes at a price too.
this is why i critique commodity and capital so intensely. i participate, and i will have to as an artist. i don't have a desire to be poor because i've lived a life that gave me space to see what i want to do. i have class privilege (and a lot of debt) and i am grateful. but it isnt like i dont want peopl eto know. it's just that i know that i can't give in and accept and demand nothing and then decide to hoard it to myself. taht money that goes in funnels out and is not for me to keep. there is no trickling down. dont paly yrself.
artists like kurt and in a sense like MF Doom (rapper who only came out to be seen when he wanted to) or DMX even it's like....man u came out fucking fighting to be heard you know. do your thing. make your shit. be amazing. esp black people. DMX had a fucking face for a camera. hopefully i'm gonna watch belly at my best friend's house on the 28th.
i wish everyone who deserves to stay can stay until their body releases them in the most pleasant way as possible. jessica walter's death made me sad, but she was older and i'm so happy she got to live. same with cicely tyson. at the same time, the young deaths over drugs, suicide, accidents....id on't really get it. why is kissinger alive but these people can't stay? how did this come a somber tale of death instead of just i fucking love kurt cobain lmao
he's def one of those ppl that im like u rock. him, robeson, seberg to an extent. hm who else. wong kar wai, jenkins, joe (thai filmmaker whose name i cant spell.) all those people who are running forward on their own and beating their chest. yea i like that. an award is just another award. what matters is possibility and action.
RATHER BE DEAD THAN COOL
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i think what bugs me the most about people being lazy and not wanting to read or pushing a narrative of something you didn't say or do onto you, then saying something about the method of delivery, and then getting their hackles raised at anything that pushes back (i do this too. like many times i overreact because i didnt read something right, or i don't think that maybe i don't need to be heard, or i take on a more combative tone even if someone agrees. so i need to de-escalate for myself as well and be aware....) esp on the basis of length and some grammar and syntax issues—not necessarily the content itself—is that i like....edit for a living.
i have a dumb BA and i have my MFA. i copy-edit on the side as a side-job and i am good at it. i am a literal video editor, a script editor, a scriptwriter, and artist. so like not only did i "train" in that, i have experience, and like.... im good at it. but that's my WORK like that's LITERALLY MY CAREER so when im on the internet i'm not trying to write a fucking thesis that's so intense and edited. i do that for my career and it's effort. this is me time, leisure time, im not being judged or graded and i don't need to put my whole back into something that is largely inconsequential. i'm typing from the top of the fucking dome and that's it man like there's a diff between a thing that takes me 5m to write and something i have to edit a trillion times on top of my learning disabilities and adhd. which isnt a fucking death sentence. adhd helps me be more creative, my LDs are what lead me to art, i'm intelligent and talented even if i hate myself and it's painful. idk how many times i can say this you know. someone said to me once "you're obviously not a native eng speaker" and fucking obviously i am but that wasnt the issue it was saying i can't construct sentences or whatever when im literally just stream of consciousness and it is just so invalidating. i dont like saying it but it's literally people calling you stupid for something you're not trying to heavily regulate because you ARE ALWAYS SELF-REGULATING.
honestly i get shocked at my typos or ways i word things if i re-read them but in my brain it just comes out that way. it doesnt always make sense either idk i try and say it. but i dont want to call it ableist it's just weird. fucking weird and it feels soooooo fucking bad bc i already know lmao im sorry man sometimes commas look like periods and i think im typing in the right tense or the right word but im not idk what to tell ya. u can edit it for me if u want
yesterday i couldnt focus at all like i was watching history (surprise) and had to keep rewinding because my brain started to trail off and i would stare at this box. or ill be thinking about something else the whole time. then i get anxious and try and concentrate and i cant. it's a lot of adrenaline buddy and our brains are like rubber or whatever ok im built different ;-;
other things adhd makes fun:
- when you receive your THC and it takes you hours to use it because your brain is trailing off. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE TO WAIT FOR UR BRAIN TO STOP PROCRASTINATING TO HAVE FUN? dumbest thing ever esp since ppl w impulse issues <3 drugs cos we r sad every1 thinks we r STUPID
- when u literally just stare at the same page for like 10m. when it takes u all fucking day to watch 5 minutes of a stupid BL bc ur brain is like THIS THEN THIS THEN THIS THEN THIS AND WHAT IS THAT? THEN THIS THEN THIS THEN THIS esp for me as a FILMMAKEURRRR AN ARTISTE A PRETENTIOUS BITCH i cant turn it the fuck off
- WITHOUT INSURANCE MY MEDS ARE 400 DOLLARS SO IF YOU GIVE ME THAT MONEY, I WILL LISTEN TO YOU
this is something i've talked abotu a lot and ppl who know me know that i really struggle with this. maybe that's why i turned to art i dont know but i think there is a gap between people who are willing to read and people who just aren't and then dont bother. but i feel like you should sort of take the time to maybe understand a person may have diff communication styles. like i can understand people or try my best if they dont have a great grasp on english. we know what the fuck communication is. there's this one troll i know of who literally just types nonsense because he doesn't know what he's talking about, he's a dick, and he's not a native eng speaker. that's a time where i'm like i literally cannot with this person because i dont think he even tries lmao. i just ignore him bc he says dumb shit now so maybe if someone thinks that of me they should just move it righgt along ithink im just going to start being a dick and calling eveyrone ableist and start acting like the ~*~*~*snowflake~**~~*~* they dont like bc bitch if im sad we all sad now
i also find it IRONIC when non black ppl comment on a flow or whatever since u all love to use our words wrong bitch back off if u cant say nigga i take 0 writing advice from u
all this is to say i know it's not cos of my adhd and learning disorders since i can do my jobs efficiently. i think that......people are just upset when u critique something that has nothing to do with them as a person but they tied their identity to it so now we all have to suffer im sorry that you...idk don't care about the world? who knows, what do you want? lol
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ok i genuinely think a lot of other people have this problem but stop inserting yourself when xyz issue is mentioned. when someone is telling you that a person, a celebrity, some franchise is harming their identity or anyone’s identity as a minority, or part of a certain race or religion or anything shut the fuck up and accept it.
they do not need to know your emotional attachment to said thing, your disbelief, your horror, your personal experience - we didn’t ask for all that. we know just how bad it is, cus yk it harms us maybe? we’ve already gone through the cycle of being angry and indignant and now we’re here trying to get you to understand in the hopes that as a friend you do what you’re meant to do when you became friends with us. we are not your constant ball of anger to use whenever you find something that’s “crazy, unbelievably, shockingly” once again, a hate crime, when you decide you want to feel angry and care about it.
more under the cut bc i talk too much
by doing that, you’re making an issue that you didn’t even know about suddenly yours. ask yourself, what is the purpose for telling anyone all that? to get them to sympathize with you personally so you can get a pass because you didn’t know? of course you don’t know, of course you’re unaware, that’s the whole reason why you’re being told in the first place. do not water down the issue or even try to play the ‘everything has some issue like this so there’s no point in going this far’ card. especially as a white person. the reason why you don’t know primarily is because it doesn’t affect you and it doesn’t cross your mind.
when you watch a show with a black character, you don’t care about how off the character design is or how stereotypical and borderline racist the comedy gag surrounding said character is. when you listen to your favorite white music artists or watch your favorite movie with a majority white cast, white staff, white team, and white theme, you don’t care to analyze just how outdated and stereotypical the way that token asian character is portrayed. some of y’all don’t understand and will never understand the mental struggle and awareness forever plugged into the brain of lgbt and/or poc, especially black people when we consume anything, when we go anywhere, when we meet new people, to constantly catch those micro aggressions and know what to avoid.
so when someone tells you insert classic hot mess is racist and you should stop supporting it, one of the worst things you can do beside outright rejecting it is to defend it and insinuate that we don’t know what we’re talking about, that we need 30 different sources to prove it all, that you don’t think (for example taylor swifts dream colonized africa mv) is bad. you try to say the thing or person that is actively promoting all this homophobia, racism, transmisogyny etc needs to be kindly educated, is trying their best, will learn soon enough, just wasn’t educated, will do better in the future (esp looking at u kpop stans). does their apparent regret but refusal to properly apologize actually matter? the damage has already been done.
that in itself is a privilege i could never have. i don’t even try being a fan of any major white celebrity or any kpop group because i guarantee if i search up their name with ‘racist’, ‘sexist’, ‘homophobic’, ‘transphobic’, ‘cultural appropriation’ behind it something or some image is bound to show up. you will all say “oh they haven’t done anything yet” but when it comes out that they did, they have, and they do not care about who it affects, suddenly it’s a bombshell dropped on you out of nowhere.
it’s not that hard to spot these things actually. if your fav is constantly putting themselves against people of color, saying shady shit about non cishets while being a cishet themself, saying one thing and doing another, or has been silent when their voice was expected to speak up, shouldn’t you notice? y’all will reblog all these posts but in reality only 10% are actually reading and listening and actually digesting this information for future use.
and i think the thing that pisses me off is this is all from personal experience where i’m speaking from. over the past 2 days the amount of times if i’ve heard about the “tea that dropped w meghan markle” is ridiculous and annoying. a girl texted me and i sat there and i realized that she does this on a daily basis to fuel my anger and get me to validate her own useless anger. of course i knew about it and i wasn’t surprised at all - she’s still a black woman.
almost every black blog on here, when they get big enough, deals with some sort of weird shit surrounding their blackness. if you get big on speaking about issues you are now this emotionless token ‘smart black person i can actually trust’ to use as your replacement for google. this is not to say asking questions is bad, but it is so easy to pull up some of the shit you guys ask for. some people get called slurs directly, targeted for being too black or not black enough, attacked for their features and etc and someone mentioned this before but the only people that care in those situations are other black people themselves. white people will have blm in their bio but turn the other way the minute some anon starts acting up in their mutuals’ inbox, calling them a dark1e because they felt confident enough to post some selfies. and then you get sad when we dont go to you for any kind of support?
i’ve stated sometimes that asking me questions on issues and things is okay, but one of the main reasons i say that is because whether i say it or not, i’ll be asked questions and expected to know everything and i am your personal walking encyclopedia and ofc it’s natural for me to have all this information in my head, as if i didn’t research it myself. but then i think about the numerous amounts of people that specifically say not to ask them this shit because it really does tire you out, that they don’t want to have to deal with this in any space but they still get them.
and then the ones that don’t even know themself so people will use them as an example and say “well this person didn’t know and they’re ‘marginalized identity’ so it should be fine for me too”. good god just apologize, show that you really care, change your behavior and move on. do you think it was fun being asked the statistics for george floyd’s and other black peoples death in class? that you were being inclusive and giving me a chance to show off my intelligence, to prove to others that i really had something up here and you were my greatest star eyes white friend that gave me that chance? i cant close my posts like this properly but i want you to think about that shit and actually ask yourself if you’d do that. a lot of you will read this and think “i’m not that type of racist” “i don’t have those deep seated prejudices in me” yes you do. you just haven’t been called out on it.
for all the shit ive dealt with above, if i’ve ever talked to you about this before dont come to me to apologize i do not need it and you are not the only person i’ve received this from. i guarantee you that there’s about 20 other people i’ve thought about while writing this post considering i’m a black person in the real world, so keep your guilt to yourself an deal with it
white people don’t add on to this
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raz (whorevitz) made a callout post about you, what did you say about tswift?
bc its rly long + bc of the tws (antisemitism, racism) i’m putting it under a cut
okay so background knowledge: @/whorevitz sent me an ask here (the post mentioned can be found here). a friend of mine (gonna refer to them as z) saw the ask and the responses whorevitz left on it and dmed me on discord asking what it was abt. i told them tswift and z said that theyre there for me to talk if i want, esp since z is jewish themself. i took them up on their offer and asked them what their opinion on the whole shld u or shld u not listen to ts argument is
whorevitz then sent me an ask that said “you say you don't support her or promote her on social media then you reblog cute videos of her!!!! you don't care!!!!!! you can't just get rid of her. there's no way you haven't seen my post and it's kinda iffy you chose to ignore mine specifically as it focuses on her antisemitism... you. cannot listen to her music without supporting her at this point. she's a literal nazi sympathizer. it doesn't matter how much you reblog posts abt her bc you still post abt her and listen to her.”
i replied to the ask privately but iirc i said “okay look i talked to a jewish friend and this is what they said:” (everything after this is what z said to me verbatim)
“well it's like, complicated, you know?
i think there's a big push to not listen/"support" anyone who's ever done anything problematic or this "if you do, consume critically!" as if that's not, like, the base for how to engage with everything
& the thing is i think when we start nitpicking activism as a thing of "i don't stream taylor swift on spotify and this makes me a good person" we forget that that's actually very performative at its core
i dont actually really care if you listen to taylor swift bc if we cut out all media and content that's been antisemitic etc we'd be left with nothing
& that's arguably an issue as well but we aren't going to fix it boiling it all down to something so easy to digest as "just don't listen to this music and you're fine" yk?
at the end of the day i literally don't care as long as you're aware of what the problems are with these things, and honestly? not listening to White Woman Singer #37374 isn't the progressive activism you think it is
i'd much rather that you share the things that uplift and support the people who are affected than that you pat yourself on the back because you didn't listen to folklore when it came out and think that gives you a moral highground
& of course nobody speaks for everybody. and it's more important that we acknowledge and respect differences rather than denounce and punish anyone who does not conform without question to our personal ideals
because it's, like, there's a vast sea of difference between being a nazi and thinking Love Story is a good song with a shitty artist behind it
and this nitpicking doesn't actually do anything for anyone. it's actually very self centered imo to expect people to uphold your personal performative standards
so there's nuance here, and that nuance is rarely examined because there's just this expectation that conversations should never be difficult or multi-faceted
that like...if someone says this thing is bad it should be outcast completely without question, and then anyone who does question it is suddenly on par with the bad things that made the bad thing bad
and that's a horrible way to encourage growth or critical thinking, in fact, it actively discourages anyone from questioning reactionary material and becoming better, more insightful people
idk if any of that makes sense[3:46 PM]but tldr: it doesn't actually matter very much if you listen to taylor swift or "platform" her. it DOES matter if you support and uplift jewish ppl/poc
and ALSO im ngl you're like 15/16 iirc and so a lot of activism stuff like "support poc/jewish people materially" doesn't even apply to you because you're a minor who can't and absolutely should not be expected to open your wallet to adults, no matter the issues they are facing
and it's this thing of i'm not going to speak down to you or coddle you or insult your intelligence or personhood by saying you aren't responsible for Anything At All on the basis of being a minor
but at the same time, holding you to activist standards of an adult (like going to protests, for example) is dangerous and wrong
activism like this is definitely not one size fits all
and it's so important to keep that in mind so that you don't encourage any mindset of making kids (kids!!) have to be more mature than they are able to be at their age
it just feels maybe a little silly to shame a minor for listening to taylor swift
like.........can we talk about real problems? please?”
anyways thats basically it feel free to unf if u dont agree with me but thanks for taking the time to ask me
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(apologies abt the long post, im on mobile)
some juice on sol....
1. general, overall dislike for the majority of the euro gods 😔😔 she and her brother were tossed into space without so much a second thought by odin (and in her lore video ot was stated that him "and his ilk" didnt like them ((particularly their father's arrogance)) so i can extend that to the other gods. like. sol invictus would Not like having to share a name w some barbarian sun goddess from the north) so it really goes w/o saying that she'd be pissed at all of them still, and want to act like an annoying cat around them.
2. particularly w hera. goes into her house and melts all her fancy pots and vases cause tf is she gonna do? turn her into fruit (derogatory)? the only unique nature of being projected is that she can Kinda get away w being a dick lol. cant really punish her again bc shes already destined to die
3. its never explicitly stated in mythos if sol is a jotun or aesir or whatever but. given she was born from mundilfari im saying she and mani are jotuns. that being said, im taking the liberty to say that they have little to no reason to care about gender and sex like mortals do/would since they dont need an explicit partner to bare kids (like. mundi Didnt have a partner. he just suddenly got gregnant w sol and mani and the rest is history lol. and loki was briefly a mom. also ymir is actually intersex so why would they discriminate their old man. jotuns Hate the mortals and gods anyway so they can be a little valid as to why as a treat)
3.5 that being said, the same happened w sols kid, who i named sunna for convenience sake. by that i mean sol didnt get pregnant w her (ex)husband, glenr. it just kinda happened and she rolled w it. tho sol felt awful that essentially sunna was going to inherit a punishment given to her by mundi and co that, once she had her mental bearings in check, took sunna via projection and gave her to sols very obscure, very unknown sister, Sinthgunt (personal theory: goddess of the stars). while it was an easy decision bc she wasnt abt to let her only child be condemned to eternal isolation, it still kinda left her emotionally drained 😔 sometimes ur a mom for like 4 months and you dont really want to let go bc ur kid is the first person you have and can touch wo fear of burning them and ur terribly lonely
3.7 sol (and honestly mani too) doesnt hate mortals. minority of their people but they think theyre neat! if a bit stupid at times, but theres really not much to do aside from just watching them on a day-to-day basis. plus she and him technically count the hours and days for them so its nice to be a little appreciated by Someone.
4. she and glenr got a divorce. easier for ship purposes, as well as maybe making a little drama if need be. glenr can be a dick, as a treat.
5. sol is a little tsundere. shes not gonna tell u shes lonely. like past her Optimist Proxy™ shes a cranky, backhanded bitch whos desperate for someone to be genuinely nice to her lol. like neith might be nice but does she trust it? no, not when neith is older than her lol. it doesnt help sol blames the gods for her position in life 😔😔 basically anyone older than her is going to get the snark and bitchiness, and them being nice to her feels disingenuous. but yea she is. Very alone in every aspect and isnt abt to talk abt it w anyone because Ew.
5.1 but, along w the Lonely™, she also hasnt had a full nights sleep in like. Forever? she learned Very quickly that sleeping on an uncomfortable chariot being chased by loki's grandson is a recipe for disaster, esp if she wants to live. at most she gets a few minutes in periodically, but resting isnt real (which may or may not take part in her crank). but she'd also be a Heavy sleeper. once shes out shes Gone for the foreseeable future.
5.2 im still cranky she doesnt have a taunt for odin but does for loki.
5.5 p much the major reason why sol took an initial liking to arthur and merlin is Because they were raised by and as mortals, and have no bearing of her position.
5.6 but yea vaguely considered rewriting the ragnarok lore bit to include sol bc its kinda dumb she wouldnt be there when her life is on the line. but she'd either Kinda make nice w brits Then, or afterward in hera's mega fuck-up meeting and peace councils.
6. unsurprisingly has a terror for all dogs, no exceptions. growling, barking, yipping, jumping, hackling, Anything a dog does is just. Not good. skoll is traumatizing. hes also a cunt who likes saying some choice words in an attempt to get under her skin and demoralize her (another reason for her bitchiness. sometimes u hear taunts @you for like 100k years and it just bleeds into mannerisms. it doesnt help she has little disposition to not say them). canines are just a no-go for her 😔 they could be the friendliest dog in the world and she wouldn't be 50ft near it.
6.1 otherwise she likes every other animal, particularly bunnies and parakeets
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EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK CLARI!!!!! i just finished reading the sequel to break my bones and goddamn it was so good!!!! u paced it really wonderfully and i love how the kiss between the mc and dabi was full of so much yearning and lust, but it was still placed appropriately in the timeline if that makes sense. like they’re both still struggling and probs aren’t gonna immediately jump into bed together, so i like how u are taking time to show the cracks in their armor and how they keep being drawn to each other, even when that connection puts them in danger. and that last scene!!!! EEP! u kno i was scared of tomura in the little bonus drabble where he kills the dude in the warehouse, but i was practically trembling bc of him at the very end of this update. like the fact that he knows that the mc is high and that she isn’t lucid and that him being so busy is taking a toll on them but he still jumps to the offense and moves like he’s gonna hurt her is so telling!!! especially compared to the previous scene where dabi and the mc had an argument. and the fact that it’s dabi who stops him despite the fact that he and the mc are moments away from duking it out on a regular basis is just so perfect gah!! the way u develop the relationships between ur characters is so well done. they feel like real people with all their character flaws and mistakes and bad decisions. :) i also am wondering what tomura’s thinking bc the mc’s lips were probs swollen after she and dabi made out and tomura is nothing if not mr observant. i rlly wonder when all of this is gonna climax and how bc you’ve done a really good job of keeping an air of intrigue around these character dynamics. like even if tomura isn’t physically in a scene, his presence is felt in the way that the mc and dabi talk to each other and u balance all aspects of this love triangle so well. i know we all say it a bunch but u r such a good writer. u write emotions and characters so well :) it makes me really happy to see something u worked so hard on be so well done :))) i can’t wait to see where the rest of the series goes, as i’m sure u have so many plans and great stuff to show us later. (but pls rest well and drink water and eat regular meals :) pls don’t overwork urself. we appreciate all that u write for this blog and we appreciate u and we can’t love u and sing ur praises if ur sick/worn out, okay?) anyways yeah, that’s most of what i had to say about this update. tysm for it. it truly made my day :)))) -star anon
STAR ANONNNN my luv HELLO i’ve been waiting to answer your magnificent ask on desktop instead of mobile weeee
tw domestic/physical abuse mention in my long ass response under the cut!!
as always, thank you SO much for your incredibly detailed responses like aaah i tell u this literally every single time but i look forward to each of them and i’m just !!!!! so appreciative. you’re incredible. thank you <3
OKAY THANK U FOR MENTIONING THE PACING BECAUSE I WAS RLY NERVOUS ABT IT :(( no no that makes total sense, and that’s definitely how i felt too. like for a moment i was like ........should this???? be more?????? but nah it isn’t time for that yet,,,
HE’S TERRIFYING ISN’T HE i love him soooooo much. but you’re entirely right, it IS v telling that he was deadass about to give her the slap of her life even though she was so clearly not in the right headspace and didn’t realize what she was saying. all three of them clearly act on EMOTION instead of intellect, but most people would’ve at least been able to restrain themselves given the fact that she isn’t sober.
THANK U SO MUCH FOR SAYING THAT gaaaaahh i put a lot of effort into portraying and building their relationships so i’m so so so happy to hear that it’s shining through in my work (it can be rly hard for me to tell after i’ve had them in my head for so long & know things u guys dont yk what i’m saying??)
her lips def were swollen, but because she had also clearly been crying really hard, he probably would’ve thought it was just a result of that and not dabi ehehehe
HAVE I ACTUALLY okay GOOD THAT’S WONDERFUL TO HEAR eeeee that makes me so giddy!!!! i always get really excited to share something with u guys that i know is like, *super dramatic* or whatever, and anticipate ur reactions!!
god literally like i cannot say it enough i love this version of tomura. love him. and maybe that’s partially why??? because he has such an overbearing and powerful presence?? so many people write/read tomura as this spoiled brat who can’t do anything for himself, and while that’s partially true (esp in the first two bnha seasons) we’re really starting to see him come into himself as a villain/antagonist which i would say starts the moment he’s able to define a clear goal for himself. he has more direction and purpose now, but he’s still a brat <333 so my line of thought here is more, like, okay so what would he be like eight years later at the age of 28?? i just love love love the idea of tomura being like, this extremely powerful and intelligent and cunning business man who is also still very used to getting everything he wants, and because of this is extremely dangerous aaaaaah i really do love himmmmmm
aw tysm bb you’re so sweeeeeet to me <333 promise i’m resting and taking care of myself!! i’d like to take a short break (a week or so??) from writing full pieces and just focus on all the lil ask drabbles i have piling up in my drafts (so many GOOD ideas n also great practice for me!!)
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great! please talk more about ff7! your opinions, how time has affected how you view the game, what you love most about it, if you'd remake it which parts are you going to change, if any? and anything else you want to mention
this is extremely fun to try and answer in a way that i hope satisfies you and myself.
i think i will start with the question of ‘what would u do if remake?’ and ive mentioned my boring answer would be to not remake it because uh well... its still excellent... for many many various reasons ive listed out prior. in the ‘no remake scenario’ id rather just brush up the translations like the reunion translations did. maybe add a vhs filter lmao so u can experience what it was meant to look like with the whole crt effect. actually there is something i want restored... its the original fmvs... to something maybe not.... 240p r whatever (iirc like they legit dont have the original files r smthn anymore???)
but in my ‘remake this game’ scenario id basically give it an ff9 touch up. and ive spoken about this before too. more field model articulation, better field model to background meshing, maybe throw in some nice lighting effects so the character models actually cast shadows and have the lighting actually interact witht heir textures. basically the game designers all had a big lament about not being to mesh game to art as much as theyd like even with shiny new ps1′s so lets make that desire come true. keep it silent even though i love sakurai as cloud (i almost just wrote reigen right there) the game was made for and designed with text crawl in mind. its part of the vibe. maybe streamline the materia ui for some orginization capabilities, more volume control options (PLEASE let me turn some ui effect sounds off they become insanity sounds after a while). and on the models themselves i dont think its good to make them realistic sized as the worlds that were designed for ff7 were made with cartoony field models in mind and vice versa for the models. maybe more emote capabilities on the models besides the animation cycle blink. but yeah to sum it up think ff9 but higher res texture, lighting and backgrounds....
in a case scenario where you wanted to completely change the style though... i say dont make it as a new fuckin game, make it an animated anthology or smthn. get voices in there if u want them that way. with animation anything is possible, no way to get bogged down by having to render a city level thats 10gb n all the physics n washed out lighting or whatever the fuck. in fact the original ff7s style was all drawn from animation so its be a visual style that could and would fit eachother well. better way to communicate a sense of scale in an unrealistic way like the og did (ff7 CANNOT on principle be ‘grounded’ in terms of style in ANY which way IT WAS NEVER MADE TO BE EVER AT ALL IN THE FIRST PLACE) of course with this comes in the trouble of no longer incorporating the player choice dialogue stuff from the og or any of the friend point background dynamics or the mini-games in their original form. but this visual form would be far better suited but just different enough to maybe call it a ‘re’-anything. and ofc with this it cant be movie length... ff7 on average can take like 80 hours... it just find it funny that with how much squeenix pretty-fies and focuses on cutscenes so much youd think they just do smthn animated... but not 3d... and not by anyone at squeenix... and not advent children. besides smthn smthn og creators were heavily interested in the film to game parallel so it could work...
and on the question of if i would change anything (im viewing this as in terms of story content) theres not a whole lot that comes to mind... like maybe how cid treats shera... but not in a way that removes or handwaves n doesnt deal with his assholery... but part of me does wish it didnt ring so much like abuse (i dont want to use words like these lightly but idk what else to use). im of the firm camp that a character can be an asshole, downtrodden bitter cynic taking his despair out on others what have you, without being ‘sexist, homophobic, abusive or anything else’ to fall back on to show this assholery. cid clearly does apologize once he rlly gets hit with what he did n doesnt try to excuse anything (iirc) but i feel like cid n shera couldve been handled differently (and maybe with story stakes that had a little more... nuance??) in a way that can reach the same emotional conclusion. might just be me nitpicking, i dont want to sound like i want cids flaws to go away, in fact that would be no fun and wouldnt warrant any character struggles, but yeah... i just think this facet couldve been handled... in another way. im adding this in later cause i just remembered but maybe the game giving more voice and credence and actual TIME to tifas experience of the nightmare that was the nibelheim incident. we get clouds take n affects on him alot... but never hers... they both lost ppl they loved, an entire town, a whole other LIFE they could have been living had shinra not royally fucked shit up per usual... but we only ever get to rlly hear cloud about this stuff... so more tifa perspective... r smthn idk
anyways to the meat of the question now....
time has CERTAINLY changed how i view the game esp as ive gotten older (same age gang with the game!). in fact, sadly like alot of us, i used to take the compilation seriously, and by seriously i meant a legitimate part of the ff7 canon. exposure to the og and wonderful people like @fury-brand actually got me to thinking about what the hell is actually going on here in this old rpg, and what its (and its creators) trying to say n make the player feel whether intentionally or not. and in a case of truth being stranger (or more nuanced and entertaining) than fanfiction the original game on its own is alot more interesting than ppl might think
and i really first connected to the game through its character relationships, but my loss of affection for (or just really not finding it entertaining n meaningful anymore mostly on the ‘community’ *shudders* side of things) shipping. id say i still really enjoy the character relationships and that its true this is an important factor of my enjoyment but like the... place? from whence this enjoyment comes has completely changed. think: the wonder n beauty of human connection during trying times, less ‘are these 2 fucking or not’. but as time has gone on i really have started to appreciate the world n the whole vibe of this game. i mean it hits off on so many things i love, cyberpunk, some level of intrigue, ELDRITCH ALIEN VIRSUSES THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE MALEVOLENTLY SAPIENT AND IF IT IS WE HAVE NO BASIS FROM WHICH TO UNDERSTAND ITS INSIDIOUS MOTIVES, swords, dragons, ancient mysteries, robots, GIANT (BIOROBOT???) KAIJU, cute horse birds yadda yadda
on the vein of relationships what also drew me in and im certain many many others for good deliberate reasons (as in the creators wanted this to happen) is the characters. all of their stories as i previously summed it up struggling with identity, my kind of shit. cloud was a standout for me though at first, not so much on like a ‘i really really relate to this personally’ kind of thing but like his journey (once you actually discover the real untarnished version in terms of compilation bs vs og) is so delicious, he struggles, hes vocally afraid, faking it till he actually doesnt make it and oh crap now i have to choice but to confront a truth im uncertain i will like. but then seeing the wonderful result of him choosing to pick up the pieces??? and move on (with lots of help)??? and then really coming into form as a leader with no illusions... growing to the point of being able to challenge his fellow friend/comrades with the very challenge he tried and failed n tried again to surmount??? and at the very end confronting the be all and end all of all life (the planet) with all of his now assuredly real n personally valued memories (negative and positive) as proof that theres some worth n meaning!?!?!?! *screams*
its always fun to enjoy a toiling cloud, but man the fuckin payoff of his character/arc.... ugh makes me go crazy stupid... wish square knew this cloud was an extant thing tho :/
and another thing ive definitely found very entertaining is how cloud and sephiroth are dark mirrors of eachother... so juicy
its all very human fears on a more aggrandized dramatized scale n stage (as befitting of a rpg) and ive always enjoyed the freakiness factor of throwing jenova into that mix to make the whole ‘struggling with my truth’ thing a bit more literal. i did focus on understanding cloud, tifa and nanaki alot at first but as time has gone on im really trying to understand the other characters just as deeply too, and i love that all their journeys come at the whole identity thing from completely different angles... like what a WAY to have a nice thematic thread while keeping things different n just as meaningful. tho if i HAVE to admit it i have the hardest time ‘getting’ aeris as a character maybe in part to her short time with us but i always get stuck when doing comics with her n what dialogue to write... im working on it though, theres quite alot to her
i could list out my favorite moments but this is getting long so i have to get general. but im a sucker for stories that deal with meaning in meaningless worlds... now more than ever maybe. maybe its just a 90s thing lmao alot of my favorite series n stories are from that time and quite alot of them have very similar themes in the vein of truth, meaning and how we can create it... and worn cyberpunk futures... and i do like that ff7 on some sort of design level has a more ‘leveled’ world feel as in sure, yeah we can do super meteor blast from our sword but the planet is a place where ppl toil to survive under hell megacorporation... its a bit more familiar than ‘high concept’ empires and tyrants in my opinion and i like that. idk if i want to call that gritty or ‘realsitic’ because final fantasy 7 is none of those things... but its certainly familiar (uncomfortably so in some bits)
mmmm oh and found family... thats also like the... well its kinda the most important part... especially for cloud lmao. embodiment of ‘mr. oh god please i just want to belong n have friends’ that he is. but also for so many other characters like vincent refinding... or finding another conviction to live because of them? for them? with them? good stuff. and the other characters too, cloud asks them to all search deep for their truth, and its lovely that even though all their truths are personal... they all lead them back to eachother, forward
and the way that the game deals with death has kind of resonated with me more, especially as ive experienced more of it at a different stage of understanding, i really appreciate how the game tries communicates what someone just being suddenly ‘gone’ feels like. shits weird. i used to not really get that death was dealt with in a bit different way in this game, i just labeled it as sad not cause i didnt understand or didnt experience it but maybe there was a lack of wanting to explore how this game dealt with it (for no deep reason whatsoever)
as time has gone on i really find that there some sort of gentle human core to alot of what this game deals with, everyones lost, crying out for friends or connection, for meaning n purpose, uncertain, afraid, torn between 2 worlds (never want to aggrandize things tho ff7 is a silly game i love it but contrary to what alot of ppl think u can be silly and just as meaningful nay even more meaningful because of a nice balance) but its these moments that i love to draw, to think about to make comics about. how all these characters grow throughout... mostly i feel in the way of becoming unafraid (of the future, themselves, their purpose etc), and unafraid around eachother (prime example that i can think of is cloud himself choosing to tell the truth (himself!) to all his friends in the meetup table on the highwind... beginning cloud would never even DREAM of doing that without fear that everyone would leave him r not think he was cool enough to belong with them ugh that line ‘im the master of my own illusions, but i cant live in an illusion any longer’)
and man that ending top ten things i wont ever be able to stop thinking about... like its literally the end of the world, everyone knows it, fights on in spite of it, in fact it daunts all of their convictions very little, cloud now genuinely himself n a leader can be satisfied telling everyone that we did all we could, n everyone has grown to the point where they can be satisfied too... in the face of it all ending... and im sure despite all their efforts n convictions to see it fail then the planet respond with help??? mustve floored them n filled them with such awe n joy (of a variety that went well beyond just their current well being) n the music... n aeris’ face... n the future shot... that mf logo drop... with birds chirping n kids laughing joyfully in the background....
all our party is dead 500 years later!!! yet the ending is poignantly happy... it leaves me happy... it might seem to say ‘we never mattered’ and maybe it kinda does n wants to but i dont think the game communicates this in a nihilistic despairing sense. idk how to explain it well but its like... life got to carry on! the planet lives n actually flourishes now that we see midgar a lush jungle, kids are playing... theres a future that gets to exist and it belongs to the people.... its so... lovely
this whole game makes me
on a final note: i got a little general with it but its an answer nonetheless! im always down to talk about more specific things, moments, characters, aspects, places too!! i mostly talk about cloud cause its easy to just generalize that but dont understand it as thats the only character ive devoted alot of time n care to. i dont want to seem like i fall into the squeenix misunderstanding of cloud being the only protagonist rather than a central one. but its hard for me not to write a billion words unless i trim shit down or else id be up till 5am writing this
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