reverie ⋆ erwin smith
author’s note: this is a prequel to strain and i’m usin my old format since this is the oldest draft i have cba to make a new layout LMFAOOOOOO. this fic is written in a nonlinear narrative so it may be slightly confusing but i decided to write it like that since this is based on the reader’s memories and past with erwin, and we know memories can sometimes be very hazy and muddled, so she only remembers key moments.
content & warnings: female reader, black coded reader, she/her pronouns, canon verse but set before the events of aot, no smut but suggestive, erwin is an asshole in this n sorta unhinged, conflict, blood, descriptions of self harm ideation, angst with some sweet moments but unhappy ending
word count: 3.7k
“I start my visits in a blaze of love,
Nectar of oranges and homemade cake
Till the enamel of our smiles wears off
Laying bare truth neither of us can take.” — Rosalind Levine, The Pomegranate (1956)
It’s a funeral march. Every time the Survey Corps return from outside the walls.
Mothers wailing and thrusting themselves onto passing Survey Corps members.
Screaming like banshees and clinging onto them for dear life to ask where if their precious children returned in one piece.
The answer was usually wordless, with a grim expression which further worsened their bawling.
You never could blame them. You think back on how your mother’s passing comment about how there is no greater pain in this world than your children passing onto the next before you.
She was a headstrong woman who fiercely loved her children.
You liked to remember her that way, rather than her last days when she was barely unrecognisable from the illness that ate away at her.
While the parents of the officers were on the edge of their sanity, the children would treat it as if it were a parade. As much as you tried to keep your brother away from it, it was no use.
He was a growing boy, and boys don't take too kindly to authority figures who aren't their mothers. You kept an eye on him as he and the other children ogled the commanders.
The adults sneered and made jabs about the veterans, while the children viewed them as true heroes.
The severity of all the casualties was lost on the children. Especially the youngsters who had their education purposefully buried and distorted within these walls.
Then there he was.
The hoards of people began to call out his name, but he kept his gaze forward.
You still kept a watchful eye on your brother, whose eyes lit up as he marvelled at Commander Erwin Smith.
Erwin had to keep his eyes forward. The crushing guilt of the failed mission, watching his comrades be torn apart for his true goals was eating away at him relentlessly.
But then he saw you.
Shiganshina was small, and for somebody like Erwin whose strategic intellect required a strong memory, faces were easy.
Faces were easy to remember, but there was just something about your curls, those brown doe eyes and plump lips.
You worked in the only general store within Shiganshina, and Erwin and the other Survey Corps barely came by unless it was to report back and update next of kin on losses.
There was some murmuring and you looked up from the cash register.
“Commander Smith..?” You squeaked out. “What are you doing here?”
He placed a basket of apples on the counter and gave you a polite smile.
“Ah, I thought you would’ve considered me a regular by now.” He said with a hint of jest in his tone. “You don’t need to call me titles.”
“So what am I supposed to call you?”
“My name is a start.” He replied.
“Erwin.” You say. It sounds foreign to your ears and odd on your tongue. But it makes his heart leap to his throat.
“Just the apples? Nothing else?” You ask.
“Hange is fond of these specific ones.” He scoffs.
“That’s considerate of you.” You reply as you struggle with the clunky register.
You took the bag from his hands to weigh the fruit but when you felt his fingers brush against yours. When you looked to meet his eyes, it was clear he hadn’t purposely done that.
But even so, the action made your breath quicken. He noticed almost immediately you were flustered, causing a slow smile to tug at the corner of his lips.
You stammered the price and he paid, nodding to thank you, wishing you a good day.
When he left the store, your hand settled on your chest. You’d never experienced that reaction to a simple touch. Why did it make you feel as if your body was being flooded with warmth?
“I’m starting to think those apples aren’t for Hange.” You said teasingly, having built up courage after a few more visits.
You were no longer so skittish around him.
“Ah, you caught me. They like Granny Smith apples, and I’ve only been buying Red Delicious apples.” He grinned.
“You didn’t need to lie to me.” You scoffed. “And even so, that’s such an inconsequential one.”
“They were in the beginning. But I like coming here.”
“For the apples?” You jabbed.
“Something sweeter.”
You bit your lip in an attempt to repress the smile tugging on the corner of your lips
Your nose wrinkled at the putrid smell of the rotting food. The once vibrant display you took pride in was now decaying in front of your eyes.
The odour was unbearable, and despite your manager insisting you on staying inside to keep you away from the rambunctious crowd.
It wasn’t unusual for this village to fall into bouts of food shortages. Considering the corrupt nature of the island. The inner walls never suffered.
Hunger and starvation were becoming something common. Whilst the elites were favoured.
You were ripped out from your train of thought when you heard the commotion worsen. Despite her pleas for you to stay indoors, you knew the frail woman wouldn’t be able to handle this.
Armed with a broom, you stormed outside to whack the brawling crowds away. You didn’t want to do this. These were people who were starving and wanted to feed their families, driven by hunger and fear.
“Move!” You barked, swinging it haphazardly causing people to back away. But it seemed to rile some others more who were lunging at you, furious.
Hands grabbing out, it was a frenzied swarm, almost relentless. That is until the distant sound of marching boots resonated through the square.
Erwin with his icy gaze stepped into the tumult, causing a hush to spread through the mob. A collective intake of breath replaced the earlier rampaging from the mob.
Clad in his dark green cloak, he raised a hand and within an instant, the crowds parted to create a path for him and the other Survey Corps.
He gave you a reassuring look, then crouched to help your manager who had been knocked over by the unrelenting, desperate crowd.
“Are you alright?” He questioned as he helped her to her feet in his smooth voice.
She nodded, a little taken aback. You felt a little sheepish as your knuckles paled from the grip on the broom.
Erwin turned to the still crowd.
“Desperation does not justify chaos.” He stated, his voice carrying weight.
He then began to try and outline a plan to share left over food with the starving crowds. It was a time-consuming hindrance but it resolved the chaos ultimately which you were grateful for.
As the hordes of people left, you thanked Erwin.
“I don’t know what we would’ve done. You really are remarkable, Erwin.” You said softly.
He felt his heart race at the way you gazed at him, and his cheeks heated up.
“No, no. Don’t thank us. If anything, it was the bare minimum.”
“Erwin, just take the damn compliment.” You tutted.
“Alright.” He sighed as he shook his head.
He couldn’t stop himself from smiling after they took off.
“Looks like your little crush is mutual,” Levi said wryly as the Survey Corps exited the marketplace.
"I could take you outside the walls if you'd like." He said.
"...Erwin." You said, a little taken aback.
Nobody ventures outside of the walls apart from the Survey Corps. And there is a reason why nobody does.
"I wouldn't endanger you, Y/N." He said firmly, as he gazed into your eyes intensely. "I guess I'm bending the rules but I recognised that look in your eyes when we spoke earlier about outside."
You tutted and turned away.
"Erwin, I'm not special for that look. I'm sure everybody has it but they just don't want to be branded as a heretic."
You felt a shiver down your spine when you thought back on the neighbours you had. Everybody knew they were executed for trying to escape the walls.
"They don't. They'd much rather stay inside and they believe these walls are protection."
You didn't like what he said.
It was as if he was looking down on them. Like they were cowards and fools.
His voice was smooth but there was layering to that sentence. His demeanour was a bit relaxed too. The point is, he said something that would just fly over people's heads.
Ambivalence always crossed your mind when it came to Erwin Smith. You weren't some sort of strategist like him, you weren't renowned for intellect. You were a commoner who lived day to day doing nothing of significance.
Yet, it was hard to miss the looming feeling of fear when you talked. Especially about this topic.
“They say there are lands of ice and water that burns.” You said, swiftly echoing the words of the children you’d overheard one day.
“The only thing outside is just green land.” He replied. “We haven’t ventured that far.”
You scoffed when you realised your brother was gone again.
"He'd probably be bounding over if he knew you were here." You said as you shook your head.
"Why isn't he here?" Erwin questioned.
"Because he's sick of me. He likes to sleep over at his friend's house. Not much I can do."
"You're an overbearing sister, Y/N?" He said, with a lilt to his voice as he arched an eyebrow.
"He seems to think so." You sighed. "I just...I see how he gets jealous of his friends with their parents. And I wanna give it to him. I'd give him the world if I could."
"How long have you been raising him?"
"Well, my mother passed when he was only six. It's been a while." You said, a little dazed when you realised it was almost coming up to a decade.
Stepping in your mother's shoes had almost become second nature to you at this point so you never took in the graveness of the situation.
"I'd say your efforts are admirable. But...unfortunately, you can't." He said, a little firmly.
"I can't what?"
"You can't give him the world. And you certainly can never replace his mother."
"I'm not trying to be-" You stuttered in absolute disbelief earning an amused reaction from Erwin.
"You were Y/N. But it's natural for somebody in your situation to try and do that. You didn't do anything wrong." He responded.
"It's not your place to tell me that.." You whispered as tears began to prick at your waterline.
"Where would you have preferred to have heard it from..?" He replied airily.
"Erwin, do you hate the people here?" You finally snapped at him, balling up your fists as a flurry of rage overtook your senses.
A puzzled look fell over his face. Your question did seem irrelevant to the topic.
"Did I give the impression that I do?" He simply replied, undeterred by your outburst.
You dug your nails into your palm. There that feeling returned all over again. A supporting thought to the one you had earlier appeared.
Erwin Smith is a puppet master. And he knows the exact things to say to elicit reactions from you.
"Don't do that! You...you know what you're saying! And you know what you're implying when you say these things!" You barked. "Not all of us are like you, okay? So what if people would much rather hide behind the walls? That doesn't make them cowards or stupid. We all are on borrowed time as we speak, so just let us live, Erwin."
Live.
You felt a little ridiculous when all he gave you in return was a deafening silence, feeling the tips of your ears heat up.
"That's not living." He simply responded as he stood in front of you. "I refuse to accept life like that. To bury my head in the sand."
"And that's just great! But don't look down on others..!" You replied, voice quaking.
"Do you think I'm looking down on you?" He questioned you, eyes unwavering.
Your silence answered better than any words could.
Every comment he made like that, was like a jab.
"Now...why would I think a woman as resilient and strong as you is a coward?" He asked, slightly bemused. "Y/N, I've admired you since I first met you. Dare I say the more I learn about you, the harder I fall."
Puppet master, he has you on his strings.
You're dancing along to his tune, the same way the people he leads to their deaths, follow the rhythm.
But ashamedly, deep down he intrigues just the same. It's undeniable, the way his eyes rake over your body. How they flit from your eyes to your lips.
He's struggling.
Despite Erwin's words cutting at you, it's something new.
You let out a sigh and turned to face the rain pattering against the window as the sky was pitch black. Your brother was not coming back tonight.
Then you took a glance at Erwin, who had stood up from the pine dining chair for his grand statement.
"You don't need to lie to me." You scoff.
"And what have I lied about?"
"I'm not a little girl. You don't need to fill my head with this love nonsense. If you want to sleep with me, just say that."
"I have no reason to lie." He responded, swiftly. “You sound like a woman scorned. Who crossed you?”
“There you go again.” You sighed. “Are you always this nosy?”
“I wouldn’t say nosy..” He said, with a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “I do take interest in you.”
“I’m not some spectacle.” You retorted.
Large, weathered hands had cupped the side of your face. Hardened from pulling reins as he ventured into battles.
Hands most likely soaked with the blood of comrades in Erwin Smith’s need for the truth.
Your mind should not wander to such dark places, especially in his embrace but it is difficult to ward it off.
Erwin was without a doubt probably one of the most loathed people within the walls. Yet here he was, lying beside you fast asleep.
As you watched the sliver of moonlight cast a gentle light on his face, his chest rising and falling as he slumbered you couldn't help but imagine.
It's not as if finding love is impossible within the walls. There are dozens of married couples and families.
But that impending fear of going through the loss of somebody you open your heart to is terrifying. You snort to yourself.
In bed with the commander of Survey Corps, an individual who out of everybody was probably the most susceptible to being taken from this earth in an instant.
"I'm going to join the Training Corps!"
Your head turned as Erwin said your name in a calming tone. As if he was about to reassure you.
But all you could feel was the bile clawing the inside of your throat, causing you to rush away from the room and flee to the bathroom.
Your brother and Erwin shared a shocked look as they could hear you heaving and throwing up your guts after you slammed the door.
“Where’s Erwin?” You croaked out weakly as your brother stood in the kitchen.
“He took off. Said it was something we needed to discuss between ourselves.” He responded.
You begged. You pleaded.
The plate immediately slipped from your grasp, shattering across the floor when you finally registered his words.
"STOP TRYING TO BE MY MOTHER...!"
Your lungs felt constricted and your palms began to sweat.
"You never will be. So stop thinking you have a say in my life!"
Erwin’s voice echoed in your head.
“You will never be his mother.”
You called his name as he stormed out. He was always slipping away from you. It was inevitable.
Yet it tore your heart to shreds. He was all you had and all you knew. You couldn’t let him go on that suicide mission.
All the memories of him growing up, your promise to your mother before she passed to look after him rushed at you all at once.
So much so, that the only thing you could hear was the way blood thundered in your ears. Legs were so weak they gave out almost immediately.
The only thing that brought you back to reality was the shard of glass from the plate slashing your palm, causing pain to sear through you.
You have no clue where your brother ran off to. You have an inkling he and his friends are probably jumping for joy at the prospect of it all.
As if it isn’t mere brainwashing.
Walking on the cobblestones, completely disorientated.
You think after you and Erwin’s intimacy, maybe he’ll help you. It was a long shot but you were desperate.
Failing your mother’s simple request was eating you alive. She never asked for anything in this cruel world apart from you to protect your brother. One thing.
One thing.
“…Erwin!” You cried out when you saw the familiar green cloak. You grasped at the fabric, causing him to turn to face you.
His eyebrows furrowed. Never in his life had he seen you like this. The once always put together town beauty is now reminiscent of a mad woman.
Dishevelled hair clung to your tear-streaked face. Shawl with frayed ends and smeared blood. The soft voice was now hoarse and raspy.
"I don't see the Training Corps until they graduate." He said, plainly. "So I have no clue what he could be up to."
"But...Erwin...? Don't you see how wrong this is...?! He's only fifteen, for goodness sake...he's a baby..!" Your voice cracked as your trembling fingers reached out to tug on his sleeve.
“There is nothing I can do." Erwin took a seat, and glanced out of the kitchen at you with a stern look, crossing his arms. “It is his decision. And to put it into perspective, when I joined I was also fifteen.”
“Do you know what everybody says about you, Commander Smith? That you lead people to their deaths for your own selfish desires. My brother is not soulless like you. He would not thrive in that hellhole the way you did.” You spat venomously, intending to go for the jugular.
"Selfish desires? Is that all you see?" He said, dangerously quiet. Not facing you, as if he was talking to himself.
"That’s all anyone ever sees, huh?” He said with a mirthless laugh, shaking his head. “That I am a... a monster."
Laughter overtook his body, as he clenched his fist. It was making you queasy, watching him go off on this tangent.
Through all the time you spent with Erwin Smith, something always hung over you. And it seemed as if this request to save your brother’s life was causing him to unravel before you.
The web he spun and entrapped you in. A false narrative he had created.
"He will join the Training Corps whether you like it or not. He has his convictions." He said as if the matter was closed.
You figure that was the moment. When his true nature was revealed. That the fear that always loomed over you when he spoke of the walls or outside had always been leading up to this moment.
Because those eyes you had once so lovingly gazed into and pictured marital bliss in, morphed into something so sinister, it sent shivers down your spine.
You wanted to scramble away from him. But you were frozen. Maybe he realised you now saw him for who he truly was. Because he said nothing and strode off.
Without even a goodbye.
“He’s so handsome when he smiles.”
Your eyebrows furrowed together as you tried to figure out where exactly you were.
Certainly not home.
Time and time again, you’d frantically arrange an array of vibrant throw pillows fished from the marketplace, switching between curtains that always had rich patterns that certainly weren’t crafted here.
Constantly bringing newly, freshly cut flowers in the elegant vases that cost a fortune, the porcelain always glinting in the moonlight.
No matter how much you tried to make the house seem lively, it would never be able to fully remove the stench of death that wafted through the streets of Shiganshina.
When you glanced up at the sky, it was a vibrant shade of blue you had never seen before. Tears were pricking at your waterline, you couldn’t even remember the last time the sun had beat down on your skin like this.
It was so warm, almost reminiscent of when your mother embraced you in her arms. Or your brother.
Or Erwin.
You wanted to tear your hair out. Why the hell did he come to mind when you thought about comfort?
“But he’s so handsome when he smiles.” That voice repeated. You wished it stopped.
He barely smiled and when he did it was only for you.
A genuine smile.
“It’s not the land of ice. Or water that burns but, I hope you like it all the same.” His voice was a gentle whisper.
You open your mouth to speak, but no noise comes out. Holding your throat, you grimace at the frustration.
Grass, lush green grass under your feet and between your toes. Nothing like the dying, sickly brown you were used to seeing.
This can’t be outside of the walls he told you about? This must be just a dream.
It doesn’t make sense.
“I’m a man who without a doubt will be cast into hell. I often took comfort in the possibility death may be a nothingness, but what of sinners like me? We deserve consequences. I think no punishment would take away the joy of being with you.”
You woke up with a jolt, skin slick with sweat as you gasped for air.
In the dark bedroom, the first thing that rammed into you with no mercy was the fact your brother was in the hands of a selfish and cruel man.
Failure. You failed your mother. You were entrusted with that boy, to keep him from harm.
A blood-curdling screech tore from your throat as you swung your fist in the air.
This overbearing need to tear your hair out, and scrape at your skin.
You were livid with yourself. There were layers to it all.
You loathe Erwin Smith. Yet in your dream, you were fawning over him.
When it was he who would be single-handedly responsible for your brother if he meets a grisly end.
author’s note: erwin 35, reader 28, her brother 15, anyways this was due how long ago…damn. sawry. if u reached dis far ty for reading 🤞🏽💓
180 notes
·
View notes
Rules & Requesting
What I can do: Icons, headers, wallpapers, layouts, twitter layouts, discord layouts, stimboards, mobile wallpapers (tell me what size), playlists, reply icons, moodboards, and Playlists (Only bolded sources)
➽──────────────❥➽──────────────❥➽──────────
Sources:
Red= Favorite, most likely to do first
Obey me, Fairy Tail, Bungou Stray Dogs, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure (1−7), Danganronpa (DR1, DR2, UDG, & DRV3), Doki Doki Literature Club, Your Turn To Die, Pokemon, Attack On Titan, Death Note, Genshin Impact, The Arcana, Dragon Ball, Vocaloid Tokyo Ghoul, Arcana Twilight, any Ikemen game
➽──────────────❥➽──────────────❥➽──────────
Rules:
Credit me if you use any of my edits
Be polite, do not be rude when asking me to do a request. I will delete it if you send me an ask rudely
Be patient. I have a life outside of doing edits. I'm a full time Uni student and I work
If you want your request to have the kin tags removed please tell me
I am willing to do sources that are not listed but don't take offense if I say no to doing a source that I don't know
➽──────────────❥➽──────────────❥➽──────────
BlackList:
General/Aesthetics: Slander, Pedophilic/abusive ships, incest, nsfw, glitchcore, & scenecore
Characters: Haji Towa, Hifumi Yamada, Belphie, Alessi, Valdamar, any irl people or fandoms
Ships: Abusive Jukan, Sounia, any ships relating to Luke, Togafuka,
Character x Anyone: Warriors of Hope, Luke, any minor character
Character x Men: Tenko, Ymir, & Historia
➽──────────────❥➽──────────────❥➽──────────
WhiteList:
Characters: Diavolo(Obey Me), Erza Scarlet, Juvia Lockser, Gray Fullbuster, Mikan Tsumiki, Dazai, Yukako, Trish Una, Gwess, Toka Fukawa, Yuri, Asra, Nadia, Piccolo, Beerus, Erwin Smith, Hange, Historia Reiss, Ymir, Leviathan, and Barbatos
Ships: Dialuci, Gruvia, Gajevy, Nalu, Vegebul, Gochi, Yumihisu, Band Aid, Sondam, Jotakak, & LeviHan
Aesthetics: LoveCore, Candycore, CloudCore, Acidwave, Arcadecore, Cutecore, & Dark Academia
3 notes
·
View notes
My Favorites <3
my mains: jotaro kujo, tetsuro kuroo, kento nanami, levi ackerman, shota aizawa, yami sukehiro, hajime iwaizumi, fuegoleon vermillion, erwin smith, noriaki kakyoin, daiki aomine, daichi sawamura, leorio paladiknight, jean kirstein, chrollo lucilfer, hawks, and satoru gojo, to name a few
my kins (and i thoroughly relate to them personality wise): shoyo hinata, kotaro bokuto, mirio togata, daichi sawamura, yuu nishinoya, all might, tooru oikawa, kiyoshi teppei, atsumu miya, bruno bucciarati, jonathan joestar, jean pierre polnareff, fuegoleon vermillion, kyojuro rengoku, to name a few
haikyuu: hinata, bokuto, atsumu, tsukishima, tanaka, oikawa, iwaizumi, satori, asahi, daichi, kuroo, kenma, akaashi, aran, osamu
attack on titan: levi, erwin, hange, armin, jean, zeke, sasha, reiner
my hero academia: midoriya, mirio, iida, tsuyu, uraraka, all might, aizawa, present mic, dabi
black clover: asta, yuno, noelle silva, yami sukehiro, luck voltia, fuegoleon vermillion, william vangeance
jjba: all the jojo's especially jotaro kujo, robert e.o. speedwagon,caesar anthonio zeppeli, noriaki kakyoin, mohammed avdol, jean-pierre polnareff, josuke higashikata, koichi hirose, rohan kishibe, okuyasu nijimura, giorno giovanna, bruno bucciarati, guido mista, ermes costello, foo fighters, gyro zeppeli
jjk: itadori, nobara, sukuna, gojo, nanami, geto, inumaki, maki, toji, yuuta
demon slayer: tanjiro, inosuke, zenitsu, rengoku, tengen, nezuko
kuroko no basket: kuroko, aomine, kise, teppei, kasamatsu, takao
tokyo revengers: draken, mikey, hajime kokonoi, baji, chifuyu, naoto
marvel: captain america, iron man, bucky barnes, doctor strange
dc: the flash
doctor who: the tenth doctor, donna noble, amy & rory williams
bridgerton: benedict bridgerton, eloise bridgerton, simon basset, kate sharma, edwina sharma
3 notes
·
View notes