The worst thing about bpd is you almost never know if you should trust your own emotions. Am I experiencing a Normal amount of sadness in response to this? Am I experiencing an Okay amount of anger in response to this? Is it okay to cry right now? Should I be experiencing This Emotion instead of That Emotion? Is this emotional response appropriate or do I look/sound crazy/manipulative? Would a non-bpd feel this intensely upset in response to this, or is the intensity of this distress a bpd symptom?
When you can't trust your own emotions you can't trust your own judgement. This person hurt me, should I stop talking to them forever or is that Too Much? Does the Punishment suit the Crime? You might ask a non-bpd person what they would do if they were in your shoes, but theres plenty of non-bpd people who honestly aren't good at making these judgements either!! Theres plenty of non-bpd people who are so emotionally unintelligent that they basically are just as incapable as you of understanding What They Feel. It sucks.
A bpd person will be lucky to find someone they can place their faith in to help them observe and decide if their feelings and actions are appropriate. Most of my family have problems like mine so I've realized I can't turn to them for this specific thing. They can and will tell me I should feel evil and guilty if my emotions/actions are Inappropriate which is Unhelpful. I can, however, depend on the most mellow, level-headed person I know; my girlfriend, whom I'm very grateful for. A good therapist is probably another good option for other bpds.
Disclaimer, *I'm* not a therapist and I dont claim to have any real education or knowledge about bpd or emotional unstability or whatever else, I just wanted to talk about maybe the most important realization I've made as someone with borderline and has had to deal with borderline family for my entire life.
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So, thinking about it, I now have been told by medical professionals (no less than five separate ones, all affiliated with a major university hospital complex) that I meet DSM criteria for three separate disorders that feature emotional disregulation as a rather significant external symptom.
That's kind of a lot. It is no particularly great exaggeration to say that the volume on my emotions goes up to 11.
Now, with that in mind, it is an extremely significant event that I have finally found not one, but TWO people in my regular meatspace orbit who have the context necessary to make approving noises when I babble at them about Stranger Things.
I am excited.
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Hey folks!
A big ass reminder that it's OK to be not OK.
And if you are having extra scary thoughts or feelings, please talk to someone about them.
I know most of you haven't been around since 2011 but I had the worst mental health years of my life in those first few years of the blog. Hospital stays. Partial programs. I went over a year without touching anyone but my mom and medical professionals. I've been on 30+ medications (plus different combos), took an MAOI (Which has a ridiculous list of things you can't eat while you're on it, the saddest one for me being cheese), had 36 ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) treatments little over a decade ago and have taken so many classes to learn things to help me regulate my emotions (I took a skills training course for people with emotional intensity disorder [also known as borderline personality disorder] and it changed my life. I did have that diagnosis but as of a decade ago, I no longer meet the criteria and do not have the diagnosis so it is possible to manage it away).
One of my best friends uses Twitch to help with isolation and the overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I'm to the point in which I can actually ask my friends for support if I need it.
I've been in therapy for 27 years. I finally started WORKING therapy about 12 years ago. Using what they were teaching me because I didn't want to feel like I did anymore or at least wanted to regain a semblance of control, because the only things we can control are ourselves.
Long rambly post brought to you by my cat waking me up too fucking early to feed him (even though he has food in his bowl) because he's a social eater AND the fact that I occasionally share my story because I know it helps at least one person whenever I do.
You've made it through 100% of the days you thought for sure you weren't going to.
The world is extra fucked right now, I know. It’s hard to see hope anywhere, especially in your life with your very personal experiences. But I will hold your hope for you for when the time comes and you need it back.
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being on your period will have you feeling completely fucking heartbroken over things that will not matter in about 4 hours
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If we wouldn't be ableist towards someone with any of the personality disorders because we accept that mental illness will always have symptoms that can manifest as harmful for others, or "inconvenient", or as what historically society perceives as a moral failing, maybe we should extend some of that grace to people with anorexia/other eds.
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Why Am I Alive?
Please be trigger aware when reading.
I haven’t written for a long time on here. And I don’t know if I’ll stay around. But I’m writing for me this time. I’m writing because I need to not because other people need me too. I’m aware that is selfish. But then no one needs to read this.
Since I last wrote life has been tough. Mum has cancer that is terminal. Chemo gives us more time but each time…
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BPD
An insult against my heart,
shatters into a million pieces,
only for myself,
to pick up the broken pieces,
and bleed,
all over again,
it's like a lit match,
dropped in gasoline,
an explosion inside,
burning all my insides.
@theaddictspoetry
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autism is not winning today bc i'm not engaging in my hxf cause i know i'll get way too excited again and quite frankly i'm sorta tired of feeling sick to my stomach every two seconds from being so overwhelmed.... i need a break from the excitement and pain from loving them so much
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finished chapter 1 of cognitive behavioral therapy for dummies. hate the title. the abc thing that's presented kinda makes sense but not rly bc lol why not just change the destructive consequences who cares what the belief is.
I rly am trying to take this w an open mind but I'm getting flashbacks to the church cult's "you've already committed adultery in your heart" bullshit. and idk how to Get Past That.
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okay so this morning my sibling made me listen to some true crime podcasts but im a rather sensitive/impressionable person so they made me very unsettled and upset. later i lashed out at my mother and then at my sister and im pretty sure it's because of the vibes these podcasts left me with. note to self: avoid true crime podcasts
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