#edit: GODS this was a pain. the slow internet made me think this post was lost. then it was in drafts for some reason. well | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hxt1b · 3 years

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Why Can’t We? - Extended

Masterlist

Jaehyun x Reader

WC: 4.2k

Genre: Angst (YouTuber Reader x Idol Jaehyun)

Warning: Smut and Swearing

Original Post: Why Can’t We?

A/N: Hey thank you so much for the love on the original little blurb I wrote. I decided to write an extended version of it for you guys. I hope you like it! If you haven’t read the original I’ve linked it. This is sort of a part two but you could read this without reading the blurb as well hence why I don’t think it fits to call it a part two. Again the grammar may be iffy, I tried my best but things probably still slipped through, regardless I hope you guys like this. Let me know your thoughts. And if anyone wants to send me any requests you can go do that here. I appreciate them and will get to them as soon as I can!

You were slumped over your desk, staring at the work you had in front of you. Your business partner/ best friend was expecting this to be done by the end of the night. The video needed to be out by eight pm. It was already seven, you couldn’t focus though and you knew that if you called her and just explained to her that you fucked up. That you did the one thing you shouldn’t have. That you slept with Jaehyun. She’d help you. But you couldn’t process the fact yourself, you couldn’t process the emotions that were still running through you. You couldn’t believe that you ran. Yet you knew there was no other option. You knew how you felt about him, and Jaehyun never made any move to hide his feelings. Not from you.

But it wouldn’t work and you knew that, you were so wrapped up in your YouTube channel and all the other opportunities that were coming your way, and he was… well he was Jung Jaehyun. You couldn’t see yourself by his side. Not with how much you’d have to hide it, not with all his fans. They’d find out, your whole life was on the internet, his was too. It wouldn’t work, it would only lead to more heartbreak. Heartbreak at a greater scale one that you could not take.

You held yourself back as much as you could but last night you couldn’t. Not with the way he looked at you, his eyes showing every emotion he had inside him, not with the way his mouth felt against yours, the way his hands moved against your skin. You could still feel his breath on your skin.

A shiver ran down your spine and you were brought back to the computer in front of you. A video of you and your best friend staring back at you. You’d only edited the first four minutes, there was two hours' worth of footage waiting for you.

Sighing you grabbed your phone, biting your lip you kept yourself from looking at the missed calls you had from him and messages he had sent you. You ignored the burning in you to open them, to reply, to call him back. Instead, you called your friend.

Her happy voice coming through after the first ring.

“Hey, dude what’s up?”

“So listen, I uh I’m gonna need another hour to edit that video it’ll be a little late is that okay?” You said, your voice slightly shaking.

“Yeah yeah, that's fine.” Her voice fell to a concerned tone, “Is everything okay?”

“Sorry, yeah I just haven’t been having the best day ya know.” You ran your finger along the side of your desk as you spoke to her. Your mind wandering back to Jaehyun.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” She asked.

“No there’s nothing to talk about just one of those slow and tiring days.” You lied. She hummed on the other side of the line dropping the topic.

“Take your time with the video’s its fine if it goes up late we can put it up tomorrow too. Just send out a tweet.” You nodded even though she couldn’t see you.

“Okay, I’ll do that. Thank you.”

Hanging up you opened your Twitter app. Quickly typing out the tweet. You scrolled through your feed as your tweet blew up, you weren’t huge on YouTube but you had a decent amount of subscribers that your posting schedule mattered.

Minutes ticked by as you liked and replied to some tweets that came your way. But scrolling came to be a mistake. A thread about Jaehyun appeared on your feed and you couldn’t help but open it, your heart aching as the thread appreciated Jaehyun dimples. You loved his dimples as much as anyone else. The difference was that you had a front seat to him. You’d poked your finger into those dimples so many times over the span of time that you and Jaehyun had known each other.

Quickly closing the app you came face to face again with all the notifications regarding him. Blinking as your eyes stung you bit your lip again. There was only one option in your head again, you couldn’t handle the ache that your heart felt right now imagine if it was on a grander scale. You had to stop this now.

Opening his contact information on your phone you blocked his number, and on Instagram and every other platform he could contact you. Your vision blurred and your headached as you put your phone back down on your desk.

You couldn’t edit the video today anyway. Getting up from your desk chair you made your way to your bed and buried yourself under your blankets as a few tears slipped down your cheek.

Two weeks passed and Jaehyun was a mess, his head was somewhere else constantly, he couldn’t focus on his work. He couldn’t think straight. He just moved from day to day as he became more and more numb. He’d called you, texted you but you hadn’t returned anything. Short of going to your apartment, he’d done everything he could, and that was something he wasn’t going to do. Not after you blocked him.

He dropped his head into the palms of his hands, the bitter pain of the action hitting him again. You’d actually blocked him. The tears gathered in the corners of his eyes again but he blinked them away. But it all hurt, everything hurt. His head hurt from the anger he felt towards you, yet his heart ached for you. The fight in him tired him out daily. The other boys were noticing, Johnny had tried to talk to him about it but Jaehyun didn’t know what to say.

She fucked me and left, oh and while she left she ripped my heart out and stomped on it because there is no way she doesn’t know that I love her.

Jaehyun knew you were cautious, he could sense your fear. But when you slept together that day he’d hoped you’d forget it, that you’d understand that it could work. That with you he’d make it work. He’d hoped that you’d see it. But clearly, you hadn’t.

You hadn’t even given it a chance.

You saw him everywhere all of sudden. You blocked him but you still saw him everywhere. It had been a month since you’d last seen him and noting was easier. You’d lied to yourself then and you would lie to yourself now. Because this was for the best.

You sighed again as another clip of Jaehyun popped up in your Instagram feed. They’d just had another comeback and it was shaping into your biggest nightmare very fast. Scrolling again you came across a clip from a recent interview. He was smiling and laughing with Jungwoo. His dimples showing up as he threw his head back and laughed at something Jungwoo had said to him. Another sigh slipped out your lips as you scrolled again.

“Oh, my fuck. I swear Y/N if you fucking sigh again I’ll knock you out into next week.” Your best friend was staring at you from where she stood setting up the camera for today's shoot.

“What is even wrong with you. For the past month, you’ve been sad and angry and you constantly don’t want to talk about it and I respected that but today I’ve had enough.” Her hands had moved to her hips as she glared down at you.

Looking away from her you ran your tongue over your drying lips.

“Talk to me Y/N.” She demanded and before you knew it everything spilled out. From the day you met Jaehyun nine months ago, to all the flirting. You told her about all the dates you’d gone on, you even told her how you insisted on calling them friend dates. Watched movies in his room, kicking Jungwoo out so that it would be just the two of you. Making cakes in his kitchen and doing the most cliche things while making them. You told her all of it, how you slept with him and blocked him because you were scared. Obviously, she knew of Jaehyun she’d even met him on many occasions but she didn’t know the details, because for some reason your brain had told you that if your best friend knew them. That if you spoke of the events that the feelings would become real, that it would all become real.

“You're scared?” She questioned her face contorting into an expression bordering on disgust. “Scared. You?” She was sitting beside you a scowl embedded into her face.

“Dude, we don’t scare. We meet shit head-on. Our channel is thriving because we didn’t give in to the fear that we would fail. We got where we are with that practice. We don’t fear shit. Especially not the complicated shit because we always make it work we always try.”

She didn’t even blink as she spoke, you knew she was right, but it was easier said than done wasn’t it? But she was right you didn’t fear failure with your work and it paid off and you loved it.

“But it’s so much more complicated now. I don’t think I can fix this.”

“You have to try. Because I can’t stand this behaviour anymore. Fix it, babe, at least try and if it doesn’t work I’ll be here and we’ll move past it.” You nodded as she spoke. Glad that she was your best friend.

“So I should go talk to him? Apologize? Tell him what was going on in my head?”

“Yeah, dude just talk to him.” She looked at you expectantly as she got up and went back to fixing the camera angle.

“Okay can you set up the mic’s now, you can talk to him after we film. Now help me.”

Three hours later you were dragging your feet towards his dorm. You’d planned out what to say and how to say it, after you filmed, in your mirror. Your best friend giving you the thumbs up when you left.

Looking up as you neared the dorm, the air left your lungs. There he was walking towards you, smiling down at a beautiful girl. He looked happy. You watched them as they walked slowly talking about god knows what, your hands fisted at your side as she laughed at something he said. Your insides turned and you felt like you were gonna puke. But you had no right. You were the one who left, you uncurled your hand as your eyes began to sting.

What did you think was going to happen? That you’d leave him and he’d sit around waiting for you. That when you walked into his dorm today he’d take you back with open arms like you hadn’t left his bed and then blocked him on everything. You shook your head blinking back the tears.

You bit your lip and looked away from them. There was no way back into his life and it was clear and it was your fault., but you had to look at him again. Just one last time. Just to see that smile, those dimples one last time in person even if you weren’t the one he was smiling at.

Turning your head back to him your entire body froze. He was already looking at you. Stopped a few feet back from the entrance of the dorm. The girl digging around her bag for something. Your heart thumped in your chest, your blood flowing fast, the rush of it the only sound in your ears.

Your eyes stung again, you couldn’t cry. Not here. Turning away from him you walked away quickly. You needed to get away fast, he shouldn’t have seen you. You felt selfish that you’d stood there that long, that you’d tried to steal that last glance. You should have walked away sooner. The tears slipped down your cheeks, leaving cold wet trails in their wake.

A hand grabbed your wrist, whipping you around. You didn’t look at him, you couldn’t. His hand tightened around your wrist.

“So you’re gonna run away again?” You didn’t say anything back. What would you even say because the truth was yes. Yes, you were. He scoffed and dropped your hand, taking a step away from you.

“You're with a girl, you’re happy I don’t want to intrude.” You still weren’t looking at him, keeping your eyes trained on the ground to your left.

“Look at me.” He said his voice even. You refused.

“Look at me!” His tone was harsher, slowly you turned your head to him your eyes taking in his face, from far he had looked like the perfect Jaehyun you always saw, but up close you could see the slight darkness under his eyes, the paleness of his skin, the sadness in his eyes as yours finally locked onto them. “Do I look happy to you? That girl is my cousin.” You stayed silent not knowing what to say.

He let out a humourless laugh, “You don’t have anything to say. Why am I shocked?” He ran his hand through his hair and took a step towards you.

“Fine then let me talk. Let me tell you about how you fucked me up, how for the past month I’ve been trying to figure out what I did wrong to have you block me, to have you kick me out of your life so easily. What did I do that was so wrong.” His voice broke on the last word as tears began to trail down his face. You were frozen in your spot, your hands shaking at your side.

Everything that you’d wanted to say, everything you’d thought to say out your head. You watched as he broke down in front of you, your heartbreaking with each tear that ran down his cheek. Slowly you raised your hand taking a step closer to him, you hesitated only for a second before pulling him to you.

“Nothing. You did nothing wrong. I'm the one that fucked up. I'm the one that ran away, and I’m the one that is so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything Jaehyun.” His arms wrapped around your body pulling you into him, his hands fisting at the back fabric of your coat.

“I was scared, scared about everything. Scared that it would all only hurt us more in the end. I was trying to make it easier.” This time your voice cracked as you began to cry. His arms tightened around you.

“I'm so sorry, I’m so stupid. I ran away and I’m so sorry.” It was hard for you to talk through your tears. You tried to calm down by taking in breaths of air. You needed to stop crying. “Please forgive me.”

You looked up at him, his eyes were red from his tears that had stopped. His eyes softened as they took in your face. He didn’t say anything to you just moved his face to yours, softly pressing his lips against yours.

“Let me make it up to you.” You said pulling away from his lips.

You pulled him into your apartment, taking your coat off and throwing it onto your couch. Prompting him to do the same. You grabbed his hand once his coat was off and pulled him into your bedroom. Your mouth returning to his as soon as you closed the door. The kiss was slow and soft, both of you taking each other in. Pulling away from him you looked at his face, his brown eyes dark you were sure you reflected the same desire back to him that you saw. Pressing your lips back to his you let your hands trail down his chest as his stayed planted on your waist. Weaving your hand under his shirt you raked your cold fingers ups his abs earning a shiver from him. You smiled pulling away from him and pulled his shirt up over his head and tossed it aside.

Your breath hitched as you took in the sight of his bare torso, pressing yourself back to him you pressed an open-mouthed kiss to his jaw, softly sinking your teeth into the same spot before sucking the skin into your mouth. Jaehyun moaned, his hands moving up the back of your t-shirt pulling you against him. You could feel his member hard and pressed against you in-between the both of you.

Licking the spot to soothe the sting you pressed a kiss to the slowly darkening mark, before moving further down. You kissed down his chest, softly pressing your lips against his hot skin. You marvelled in the way his breathing became shallow as you moved onto your knees. Hooking your fingers into the buttons of his jeans you undid them pulled them down along with his boxers. You pushed him back towards your bed letting him step out the articles of clothing and sit down as you slowly wrapped your hand around his throbbing cock. He was already so hard. You looked up at him as you slowly moved your hand down before licking the tip, wiping away the moisture that had gathered there.

He groaned at your action, his eyes locked with yours as you made your way down his dick kissing down the underside towards his balls before sticking your tongue out and licking back up to his tip. His cock twitched in your hand as you wrapped your lips around his head. One of his hands twisted into the back of your hair softly grabbing your locks.

Jaehyun’s head fell back as you moved him further into your mouth, you went slow letting yourself feel each vein with your tongue as you fit him into your mouth. Soft moans spilled from him, flowing towards you as you begin to move him in and out of your mouth, using your hand to massage the rest of him that you couldn’t fit into your mouth.

A soft growl fell from his lips as he pulled you off him.

“You can finish that some other time.” He said, yanking you up into his lap you straddled him, as he kissed you roughly his tongue entering your mouth and quickly meeting yours. You moaned into him as his hands moved under your shirt one hand unclasping your bra.

“Fuck.” he cursed pulling away from you before pulling your shirt off and throwing it across the room. He tangled his hand in the hair at the back of your head again pulling you towards him to press his mouth to yours as you let your bra fall off and tossed it onto the ground. The thumb of his other hand drawing circles at your hip.

He stood up taking you with him, not breaking the kiss as he did. You groaned as his dick pressed against your clothed core, causing heat to rush through you. He tossed you onto the bed before quickly following you.

“I’m so fucked.” He said before pressing his lips into your neck, sucking the skin as you had done before on him. You moaned letting your hand fly to the back of his head as he moved down towards your chest, leaving open-mouthed kissed until he got your breast.

He lifted his head from you and stared at you, his eyes almost black with lust. Your breathing was laboured as he smirked at you before returning his mouth to your nipple. He harshly sucked it into his mouth pulling it up between his teeth. You let out a breathy moan, his name flowing out of your mouth, as your chest arched off the bed following his mouth. He laughed before letting your nipple pop out of his mouth and pushed up you back into the mattress before kissing over to your other breast copying his action before moving his kisses down your stomach.

You writhed under him as his mouth got closer to where you wanted him. Hooking his fingers into your legging he pulled them down leaving you in only your panties. He looked up at you before looking back down at your covered core. Your cheeks reddened as he smiled.

“Your so wet baby, you soaked through your panties.” His voice was thick with lust, his face showing on full display his desire for you.

“For you,” you panted back, as he pressed a finger to you over your panties.

“For me.” He whispered to himself before pulling your underwear down. He hovered his face over your clit, you could feel his breath teasing you. Bucking your hips towards him wanting him to do something already. You snaked your hand down to his hair.

“Please.” You whined pushing yourself up towards him again. He chuckled, taking your hand from his hair. He held it at your stomach pushing you down back to the bed before he ran his tongue up your slit. Your eyes closed shut as your loud moans filled the room. He repeated the action before taking your clit into his mouth sucking on the swollen nub.

“Jaehyun.” You whined moving your other hand to his hair only for him to grab it and hold it down next to your other one. You whined trying to move your hips but being unable to as he held you down. You couldn’t take it anymore. You needed him now.

“Baby please, you can finish that some other time.” You said stealing his words from earlier. “I need you.” He pulled back from you, his mouth covered in you. He let go of your hands letting you loop them around his neck as you pulled him back up to you. Immediately pressing your lips against his in a heated kiss, you tasted yourself on his tongue.

A deep moan fell from your lips as he slipped his cock between your folds slowly moving so that the tip was hitting your clit. His hand wrapped around your head weaving into the hair at the top as the other one knotted into the sheets next to your head.

He pressed his forehead against yours closing his eyes as he continued to repeat his action savouring the breathy moans that fell from your open mouth.

“Please.” You whined when you had as much as you could take, “I need you. Please.” You begged.

His breathing mirrored your own, harsh shared breaths as he lined himself up at your entrance, slowly pushing himself in. Your eyes fell shut at the stretch, you clenched around him as he took his time sliding into you taking in the feeling of your tight walls around him.

“Fuck,” He muttered against your mouth followed by a soft moan as he bottomed out. You both breathed heavily as he stayed still, agonizing seconds passed before he pulled back again before spanning his hips back to you. Your head twisted to the side as he picked up his pace. He bit into the soft skin of your jaw as he moved in and out of you.

The sound of his skin slapping against yours filled the room along with your moans, overwhelming your mind as he fucked you into a daze. You drowned in your head with every snap of his hips, you could feel him hitting your g-spot with each thrust pushing you closer you climax.

Sweat dotted his forehead as his thrusts sped up, throwing you off the edge into the depths. Your back arched off the bed, your chest pressing against his as he took your lips up with his swiping his tongue against yours mirroring the action of his hips as he thrust into you harsher chasing after his release. You moaned his name but it sounded far off to your ears as you shook underneath him. Your walls clenching around his cock, finally his dick twitched and he came spilling himself into you. A loud moan leaving him followed by heavy breathing as he looked down at you. He let his head fall into the crook of your neck as you both came down from your highs.

“I’m so fucked,” He whispered to you. “Don’t run away from me again Y/N. I won’t be able to take it again.” He said and pressed a kiss to your shoulder.

“I’m not going anywhere Jaehyun.” You said stroking his back with your hand.

“Good because, Y/N, I really like you.” You turned your head to him, his eyes meeting yours as you did. You could see the emotion in his eyes, you could see the truth behind his words, the real words he’d wanted to say.

“I really like you too, Jaehyun.” You said, also keeping the grander emotion with you. For now. You had plenty of time to say it to him. To hear it from him, because you weren’t going anywhere, but the three words rattled around your brain, your heart your entire being as you looked at him before pressing your lips against his.

I love you.

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veterveter · 3 years

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YO MANU THIS FINALLY CAME THROUGH I'LL LIKE READ AND DO COMMENTARY AND EDIT THIS LATER BUT I WANTED TO POST IT WHILE I HAD IT!!!!

Bless, tumblr finally working for you.

Anyway, here's the post from @delirious-and-slightly-murderous

So seeing as Tumblr hates me, I'm trying this darling, hope it reaches you.

So just read rat king.

[You should all totally read rat king if you haven't yet, it's fun I promise :) But also read Manu's commentary on it!!]

Tuuli I hope you know I love you and completely adore you and I am in awe of you but right now I HATE YOU.

You broke me AGAIN. And I was just mending myself.

This was great and beautiful and fantastic and completely awful and the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.

I'm crying.

So now I'm going to make a habit of coming to scream at you on tumblr every time you post something.

You already know how I feel about your characterization and Andrés' POV and the angst. So there, it applies here too.

Here we go you awful and magnificent goddess.

“Martín,” Sergio clarified, moving up his glasses, the prescription of which was much too weak for his continuously worsening eyesight, “I think you should stop sleeping with him: Yes, Segio and his judgement. That couldn't not be there. But Andrés and Martín are sleeping together? I know this is going to hurt.

Martín was a constant in his life, something carried over from before. Martín? Martín wasn’t a problem; Martín was the only one thing that was good: at least here he appreciates him. Thank god.

Before, he would have found some entirely healthier way of loving his soulmate. Maybe they would have even had an old-world relationship, eventually. Andrés felt like he might have liked that, once. He knew Martín would have loved it: 😭 I want this for them and it hurts that it's simply not going to happen. I'm afraid of the MCD tag, Tuuliiiiiiiiiiii! Who did you kill, you murderous genius?

Andrés needed Martín, desperately. Too desperately to love him the way he should have: I'm going to die. He could at least try but nooooo, god forbid the day Andrés de Fonollosa makes things simple for anyone.

Andrés could see the way orgasms had loosened some of the tensions that so often gripped his body, and he hoped Sergio could too.😏

If Andrés had to choose only one, he would have certainly chosen— : repressed asshole. I hope that was going to end with the word Martín. Why are you even getting married? What's even the point. But I see Andrés will continue to be emotionally stunted even when the world is ending.

Martín and Sergio had gotten along well, before. Andrés could remember so many pleasant evenings, just the three of them and a bottle of wine. But ever since they had to move to this base, the tensions had been palpable. They were both desperately trying to keep them alive, but were constantly disagreeing on the how: I'm starting to like Sergio more than Andrés here, how is that possible? How? See what you do Tuuli?

He turned around at the doorway and left the room, because he had no doubts about it: they would listen to him: Andresito, you are being too egocentric, this is not going to end well, for anyone.

Andrés understood just enough to know he was proud.: I don't know how to feel about this Andrés. I can't.

Andrés always tried not to take the slights of this brave new world personally – it was cruel, but they all had to endure loss of unspeakable magnitude – but this? Having to choose between his Martín and his brother?: Oh no, Oh no, NO. This isn't fair. Why do I get the terrible feeling we already know who he's going to choose? Please DON'T do this.

Andrés knew with unwavering certainty that either one of them would be willing to do it, and that they would consider it a great big favour to Andrés, and not the horrifying curse it truly was. He was the one who would have to pay the ultimate price, and live, knowing how much it had cost: Everything always has to be about you, doesn't it Andrés. You fucking deserve it.

Andrés could appreciate such a malleable room, because it reminded him of Martín, who always became what Andrés needed him to be.😡😭💔

Martín had never cared about plants, before. Actually, he seemed to have held a certain disdain for them. He had always said they were stupid and lifeless. Now he was looking at these ones, their lifeline, and he was filled with reverence and sorrow. If Andrés could have given him one thing, he would have liked to return to him his complete disregard for flora, and all the things it had since then come to imply: This hurts, and not only for obvious reasons. But nature? Fuck right in the feels.

Martín was entirely too pretty to look like this. They hadn’t even been having sex, because suddenly Martín looked like his eternally calcium-deficient bones might now break from the strain. Pretty Martín yeah! And you are a genius. Now this is my official headcanon as to why Martín drinks milk, he has fragile bones, the poor baby.

The weird walking corpse at the table smiled, and it almost made him resemble Martín.: He's already halfway dead. The MCD tag is him isn't it? I hate you Tuuli.

Andrés had to remind himself that he was lucky to have this. He may have had so many better things, before, but now he had this, and that was good. They had it better than most, him and Martín, for they had each other. Andrés still had his brother, and now he would have his wife, too. He was lucky: Not for long, buddy. And you deserve it. Poor Sergio I normally hate him but gosh.

“No,” Andrés said without waiting for a single beat, because he couldn’t let Sergio think he considered it. Even though he almost— “No, I don’t. I want you two, both of you, to figure out a way. A different way.”: He loves them both and he accepts it? Why does the world have to be ending.

Andrés tried not to think too much about Martín from before, but sometimes he did anyway. That night, as he wrapped his arms around Martín’s pathetic, weak and shivering frame, he thought about his true soulmate, the one this body had once belonged to.: Now I understand Martín sacrificing himself is the only way. He's already dead. And because of Andrés no less. How tragic.

Andrés had never said it back.

That night, he didn’t say it back.: Now Martín is going to die and it'll be horrible isn't it? Tuuli I want to murder you.

I’m so sorry, Andrés,” Sergio said quietly, slowly reaching out a hand to touch his shoulder.

Andrés recoiled from it, sharply. “No,” he snapped, “No. We are all going to die. Say those words, Sergio. We are all going to die.” He had made his peace with death long ago. There were worse things, many things so much more horrifying—

“We are not all going to die,” Sergio said, “The generator—” His words were cut off by Andrés’s hand on his throat, squeezing.: You are the king of denial, bad decision, being stupid, emotionaly stunned and not appreciating your soulmate enough Andrés. You deserve all the pain.

“He doesn’t deserve that,” Andrés said, his voice breaking again as he thought of it, Martín’s body, his corpse, frozen and preserved like that for as long as they would live. Martín, out there, while Andrés was in here, unable to ever go and give him even a proper burial. He had always been able to give Martín so little, and in death he would fail him yet again: I really have no words for this. But Martín being forever preserved out there and Andrés knowing that and not being able to mourn him. That is genius and it hurts and it's the perfect ending for them.

Andrés had never told him. Not once. How could he be certain that Martín had known? How could he insist that Martín, the brightest of them all, had known, when Andrés had never told him? Martín operated in words – how could Andrés have forced him to read his love in a language he didn’t even speak?: Now you confront your feelings too late, like always you repressed asshole. You deserve all the pain.

God, he wished Martín hadn’t been so bright. That he had been an idiot, dim-witted and slow like the rest of them.

Then the two of them would have let all of humanity perish.: You already murdered me with 'stay a while' and now this. Tuuli I'm coming back as a vengeful ghost and haunting your perfect ass.

So yeah, I don't have words but that's what I could spit out.

And Tuuli, you know the thing I showed you about the spider? Well when I finished reading this I was crying and wailing. My professor came running because he thought it was another spider or something even worse like a serpent.

When he asked what was going on I was in such a state I could only say 'rat' like a dumbass.

RAT.

Like seriously? And when he asked again I said Rat king fic and pointed vaguely to my phone.

He thought I was talking about an actual rat.

So imagine this. We are there, at night (in Costa Rica nightfall is around 6:00pm all year round, so now it's 9:00pm and here in the tropical rainforest it gets Dark), camping in the middle of nowhere in the wild with a tropical storm falling over our heads and I start crying about Rats.

Congratulations Tuuli, you put me in such a state that I managed to send the whole of 9 biologists into a frenzy, frantically checking out the tents over an imaginary giant rat.

It was literally terror in the jungle.

I wanted the earth to shallow me. I didn't know how to explain that all that circus was because of a fucking fic.

I think now I no longer have satelital internet rights.

I hate you.

(P.S: But don't worry I still absolutely adore you, even if now I am the laughing stock of my fellows 🥰😘♥️)

Here have my friend the spider to show how I'm feeling.

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misterbitches · 3 years

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Hello! @flootweed replying to the post from before. the long format was killing me. why does tumblr look like this...

I haven’t watched episode 8 yet...or have I? If it’s the most recent one. No.

Is the hornbill a bird? It probably is but I have a terrible memory and I’m dumb so. I skipped the last few weeks because I’m scawwed. How are you liking it? I did see someone say that the hornbill makes sense (without knowing what it is...at all) bc heart transplant patients only live like 5-15 years after but someone in those comments pointed out that he was so young when he got his and that’s pretty rare so he has a higher likelihood of survival. Frankly, this is the only way I will proceed. Since when did shows ever care about the heart transplant health? Never and it needs to stay that way!

What did we think of ep 6? LMAO. I need opinions! And omg it makes me feel special when I can point things out to people because I so...rarely get to LOL. Editing is like one of my favorite things ever so I can be super particular about it but I try to do the thing you do when you’re supposed to see if it works within its context. I’d like to go in with scissors and glue but alas.

THe mic covering....the rustling....it’s like guys...please. Ironically the audio today wasn’t great. I don’t know why. IDK if you watch c-dramas but I am not even sure what’s worse between them because they dub their dramas. But actually no it’s best to have the dubbing because even tho it is painful they have to put a lot of effort into it. LOL.

Right? @ Aey! It’s just weird if they would show us more about what he’s done instead of saying he’s done sth bad and not even explaining that....like you could even do some shitty exposition. I think if he is to be a true villain then we really need to be privvy. All the warnings make it seem like he’s a fuckin’ serial killer so when we get the scene of him at home it’s like....actually this is really serious? Maybe his pain is like...for a reason. Althought you won’t even TELL US WHAT HE’S DONE WRONG BESIDES BE JUST FUCKING WEIRD AND ANNOYING! So from what we have it’s just a realllllllll fucked up sad person lol. god i forgot about the dinner! and i totally agree. he really needs them to succeed. i like your theory because it would make the scene where he like blocks the twitter user make more sense. he also says they dont really know each other etc so it’s realllllyyyyy probable that he just sees it as a way out. if not then we shall pretend u wrote it :)

god yea i wouldnt say it is art but i also guess we technically have to since it is technically. in the way that technically performance artists are artists but mostly i uh technically ignore them. Also one of my fav BLs is called the best twins. If you do not know what it is I will not elaborate further.t

i want to know more abt poli sci majors lmao but they sound DRAMATIC/ hopefully most ppl in ur cohort arent losers!

hahahha i understand. there was just a thing on twitter about DSA and then the day before about reading discourse. the same thiings. over. and over. and over. and over. we are our own worst enemies but also our own best friends? but i hate tankies and that wont change. but hasan’s a decent guy. he said sth abt black ppl during biden’s primaries in GA or whatever and i was like chill. but he’s insecure and has adhd which means ur more open to being wrong and changing otherwise u will suffocate and die.

and totally about hiding fuck ups. i’ve tried really hard bc of organizing IRL to like...be honest, question, etc but also like...approach it naturally? because if you’re trying to be perfect and so worried you’ll fuck up you don’t realize that puts more stress on you, makes you seem like a robot, and could potentially not make you realize the mistkaes you made. also if we’re privileged in certain spaces there is just no possible way we won’t get something wrong. im light and i know that honestly any way to speak up on colorism is going to be difficult and that’s a space where i have power so i just have to figure it out. we should be uncomfortable because we have to sit with unpleasant feelings and sort through our own whatever. that just makes the next time even better and people can trust u more. i think some people sweat it sooo much or maybe they think their personal life and what theyve been through is more the norm? on the other hand people can be sf reactionary in the worst way and idk what their issue is. there was also a user who said sth very inch arresting about tankies which i thoroughly enjoyed (how like violent lefitsts or tankies / ppl who are like ooh a gun whatever just want to be violent in another space so they have shit tendencies from jump and nothing of substance which i think i agree with tbh fo ra lottttt of ppl. like their anger is actually like “no im about to beat that ass” instead of what we actually want to get done)

sort of in the same vein re: taking it easy...we coudl all be more understanding too. to slow it down like you mentioned about not being privvy to fucking eveyrthing and saying anything on our mind. i saw this person talk about y2k which was a huge deal while happening bc it was the turn of the millenium (bruh were u even alive?) but this twitter user grew up in a super super SUPER religious household and was like why do ppl make jokes about Y2K it was insanely traumatizing? though my first instinct was confused ive tried hard to like look more before i judge especially thanks to a friend of mine. turns out that with the further reading the more we found out he was just really traumatized; it was very common in religious households to be afraid of 2000. so we could have come at him with no understanding and he could have thought that everyone had the same experience with that year that he did. his feelings sit precedent though but i think it was just very hard for him to fathom.

i didnt reply bc he didnt need that and what could i have said? he’ll see what the truth is with exposure and unfortunately this was something he really did go through.

and that’s what makes most people think others could be over the top. because it sounded ridiculous but then it was this huge traumatic thing that we could have never known about. so maybe when someone sounds like actually crazy they have an explanation? of course some ppl are just batshit or annoying but that’s anywhere not just leftists it’ just means more i guess when a ~~librul is annoyed~ but it can be easy to want to make fun of ppl too. lmao. basically what i am saying is the internet? especially twitter? for leftists? in this economy? bitch it’s the wild west out here.

i am 29! idk if i said it or not. i am OLD u probably werent even born in the year i was talking about wah. i know not old-old or old at all but compared to you i’m due for a colonoscopy.

omg i hope u can get vaxxed soon! are you wfh rn? i hope ur also not in a bad state as in state state not state as in ur being :| bleh what a fucking time. it sucks that you have to fucking do work. well unless u like school. which i hope u do. i just assume everyone hates it cos i did lmao

was it the lindsay ellis drama? that bitch is dumb. if there was other drama oh wait the drama i was referring to it all happened on the same day. idk book twitter that well but i saw something from someone who was abt that shit and wowie! the american people are not that.....intelligent to put it lightly.

i’ll get better. ppl tell me they miss me and im like aw. i have insanellllyyy bad insomnia and a lot of stuff happened this year HOWEVER I SLEPT FOR TWO DAYS FOR 8 HOURS AT A REASONABLE TIME. im a new woman. anyways you too! i hope ur not too burnt out with school. we just dont know when the burnout is or we just dont know we are burnt out until we are. the panaramiciccici hit and all the things i was ignoring kind of just fell on me and sooo much happened at once. and frankly it’s hard to take care of ourselves. lord.

Like if you aren’t interested in expanding on the issue in a way that hasn’t been done before all you gotta do it like… spread resources and donate if you can. I dont see the point in having to say something about every issue especially if you (not at you specifically just in general) aren’t immediately impacted by the issue. Like is the 14 yr old white marxist named sarah on twitter really gonna have meaningful insight on anti-asian violence ?

this is part of why i cannot telecommunicate. i dont want to do shit on the internet. i am able bodied so i know that this time has been of such ease for other people. but mentally i just can’t. i don’t have a comment on hand like that and i hvae no desire to engage with ppl that way. i am a super super super solitary person but thats bc it’s MY time so when it’s like all this effort with other people i dont ever want to be alone. it’s the same with the way i approach filmmaking. it isnt a sole thing so i hate it not together. that’s part of how u can get so sucked in and repeat doom scrolling. i was in this webinar last may after [redacted] and this black woman prof said “read with a community and talk” because otherwise she said we are torturing ourselves. you can’t carry that weight all on your own. unfortunately i hate zoom, discord, slack, signal, whatsapp, facetime. you name it this panera has made it evi.. L

you make a really excellent point. i think the young young gen zers are really really just interesting because it’s like this whole new world for them with leftist politics and they just can’t grasp the horrors of the world and the kind of freedom being a leftist can bring. and so many people don’t grow out of it. those people so happen to be the “least productive” in terms of how much time they spend IRL withe these issues. naturally, younger kids are gonna have a harder time. they are not as mobile as well so the internet becomes this place. but then it’s this echo chamber. and many times just things posted without sources. and social media NEEDS that to exist.

i think of the irony of leftist kids on tik tok and while i am happy it’s reaching them it’s just....different. very different. the growth of social media is so good but also so fucking sad, it’s too much! i think the point about not writing everything is major. even i have to do this which is part of the disappearing.y ou need to detach and make sure your head is on straight again. but when you think eveyrone has to be privvy to every thought and you can’t just sit back....which twitter and social media doesn’t encourage. you have to join in. that’s often why when i have something to say it is dense because i don’t feel like repeating it. ever. lmao ust ever. i cant pay attn. social media is a fucking minefield for my brain u can get so lost in it and absorb it but once u start talking you may not be able to stop.

i think a big part of that is it not being a leisurely thing but sort of just in our lives always. this sounds like a grandpa rant but ykwim. We dont have to see the same thing over and over again. And eventually it gets sincerely diluted or its diluted bc of capitalism or whatever. Or if theyre very young or maybe they don’t have like the greatest way of sharing the knowledge? then it can be butchered. I hope this is making sense...i’m talking beyoond the boring surface-level milquetoast shit. i see really ahistorical stuff on there from leftists (like this thing about NK + africa and it being a beneficial rship as opposed to a um not beneficial one. and it isn’t. beneficial but this young black girl was talking abt it and noname rtd and i was like it’s just too complex. there’s no good/bad here just bc it’s not america. dont get me started on this.)

but Lol that was kinda off topic but I think what I meant in my last reply about not turning off the voice in my head is about when I consume media, not necessarily when I’m online talking about. Even if I have criticism for something, I’m usually pretty chill when consuming fandom content bc I think being serious online all the time is kinda boring. Like sometimes I’m analyzing theme and shit but really most of the time im memeing.

exactly.........gotta laugh. thats why sometimes im like i cant think lmao. unfrotunately i have been ARGUING with ppl on the internet for rly no reason when i could have replied to ur very nice fun wholesome message. i love torture. i miss memes.

“ i think the people who get the least enjoyment out of that are those so obsessed with getting upset with anyone thinking outside of their lines as if it equates to them “ EXACTLYYYYY

kekekekeke im glad u got it. it’s like with conservatives throwing around snowflake. now im beginning to question who the real complainers are.

LMAO exactlyyyy. i posted a screenshot of this writer from twitter saying that exact thing. Like first of all, I’m...an adult? and if you are as well uh? i’m sorry for you but are we 12? But how is it affecting u this viscerally? And if it does why dont u...do...research? pihgofuaipoajghou but honestly everything u said. we’re trained to go into it with nothing. i was only around ur age when i started to get more serious about this stuff but you’re like lightyears ahead of where i was at 21. did i say this but i’m in iww and literally i can tell u in 2016 i did not think 2019 me would be in a union bc i told my friend in a train station that we don’t need unions. i was 23...but the thing is i didnt know what i was talking about. at all. and i knew i didnt know and she knew i didnt know and now i am the clown.

also yes at critical engagement. i had to learn so much through experience and this is tuff that i coudlnt be shielded from. there’s an empathy you kinda have to develop and this understanding that you move through the world as this person who is “nowhere and everywhere; nothing and everything” so i’ve always had to think about things differently just to survive. that’s also what can drag a lot of people towards it like theres so many black kpop fans bc i think a lot of the pain in SK can be mirrored (sort of) through our history. and theres currently a history now but it had to be forged. uh what was my point oh yea however i wouldnt have been able to move further if i didnt have my background to go off of bc i knew something was off when i started getting into all these things (ill give u a hint) but if i had no prior knowledge and didnt have to think about it then the critical approach is either stale or stupid.

i had to research but i dont understand how ppl are so bold with little to no research and understanding? thhey just inherently know with also like ZERO experience in what they need experience in. engaging critically means “how i see the world” with dashes of trying to be open adn understanding or whatever. actually that’s another thing like being afraid of criticizing things bc theyre foreign to you so u give it a pass (like we discussed) but it doesnt hAVE TO BEEEE JUST REAAAAAD and then take all the info ur teensy brain and apply it. be a normal human being and dont be fucking rude and racist. thats it! u can complain abt literally anything without being a dick.

as we start with LW and end with LW.....what do we think (i asked this already) omg please share wbl thoughts i THINK i know what ur talking about. well it could be two things; their rship when they came back and the physicality and then pei shou yi. i almost dont even want to use my brain to fucking look at that. i think wbl can get away with more bc of visual~*~*~* reasons (like literally, the look of the show. there’s more space to get lost in the frames. many thai dramas are a lot more literal? this isn’t the right word but it’s very heavily character focused particularly bc of $ i think) though good production also underscores flaws so i am also wrong. but like do u know what i mean? u have to kinda focus on it? or maybe it’s just cos like.....ur so used to it in thai bl idek. i’ve seen tw bl ofc.

look i swear i will justify this forever bc there are some things we miss right but if u feel like someone’s a bad actor....theyre bad. it’s about tone movement etc etc etc and since most thai bl productions have 0 interest in that....well. they take these newbies and put them in these situations. we dont understand thai but if we see them and we’re like “wow this is really bad” then they’re bad lmao. IDC i will never be like cos idk what theyre saying NO WHY HE LOOK LIKE A ROBOT???????? DOES HE EMOTE? why is he CRYING WITH NO TEARS? and it’s not even a total requisite to cry with tears(i mean for me it is) but it’s just like what is happening on ur face right now young man????????

painful.

the inflection stuff is very valid ooh good point tho but that’s only a part of the piece. plus we get used to the way they communicate. like the ppl from sotus were prtty bad. i dont like that show but thats an ex of ppl liing the actors and the person i thought was better other ppl dont think that? well apparently hes a shitty guy but. um. so when theres decent acting its so glaring.

although i must say even tho i dont care for 2gether anymore and would never like to be reminded about its existence (only bc i just cringe lol) i honestly....didnt think bright was a bad actor? but people keep saying he is and i am much more inclined to believe them than myself. though i am not often dickmatized that could have been it. until he opened his mouth and ruined it and then i stopped paying attn.

although honestly i’m so much more critical than i could be positive. i have ben stumped for the last day about how i wasnt mad at his acting in the show. is it me? is it him? who’s......the wrong one.....(me)

oh shit they have been denied? i haven’t been paying attn to whats been going on recently. i just got into it on MDL because of snowdrop. sometimes i literally cannot engage bc ill just be like alright well im black so this power button in my head is going off when ppl talk abt that shit. back in the day when kpop jawns were saying some real outta pocket anti black shit (now everyone is slick with it) it’d always be THEY DONT HAVE GOOGLE THEYVE NEVER SEEN A BLACK PERSON but really it’s like no...maybe they are just racist? that’s ok too.

also the past 2 weeks have been um atrocious bc how fucking easily people fell into the pit of white supremacy and started to turn their ire towards black people and making a competition between our groups just like they wanted. it’s not about the women who are dead anymore, who were sex workers, their womanhood, being asian, being poor anymore. it’s about how much black people get attention and why people only pay attn to us. i am not feeling very generous this week for ppl to excuse that hsit.

on a lighter note, ppl say that abt the whole husband and wife thing. i dont know how to explain how angry that shit makes me but maybe it’s because i do not want to think of my body in relation to a fucking penis at all hours of the day. if bls could kindly not do that it would be nice lmao

yes there are a lot of those. who are only there to gawk lmao. and just idk worship bc of the cult of personality thing bc of how weird and open they have to be as actors. some of the others are people who /think/ theyre really smart (i think im asmart but i also think i am very dumb and i have adhd to prove that MEDICALLY!!!) but are actually not? or their observations arent great? or idk if they are they arent interesting? but i think well..........we have more refined palettes :P

jk also theres just different personalities. you and i mesh more bc we have a lot of the same beliefs and are coming from the same place. that makes it easier to understand as well. i really try to remember that but some people are really weird so. again just...the perception of certain things even down to acting skills. but i also dont like.......believe this genre can really do anything at all. on one hand i want them to do it right bc it’s a piece of work so they should. be proud of it. cos most things arent advancing us bc representation and culturalism are a lie bla bla. it’s just that when the depictions are negative or not done well it adds to the problem as opposed to the things that are well done are fairly benign and can’t really pull us back (perf example is the black panther film. i woudl definitely not say it was transgressive as a literal work but visually it’s just stunning. and it’s sad that it’s stunning and surprising but still with basically an all black cast of mostly dark people abd like what it means in the zeitgeist yes. it’s also just a good movie. but it’s still imperialist prop and unfortunately and this is fucking pathetic to say it “opened eyes” in other countries where they hate black ppl and ignore their own racialized minorities HENNYWAYSSSS a better ex is moonlight except moonlight isnt mainstream and is indie tho...still thru a funnel of capital bc a24 but who cares bleed the fuckers dry is my motto. my point is moonlight is both a great work and doesnt bring any failures to the table and its existence helps in ways outside of art but they arent the defining things giving us material advancement sooooo i mean it’s complex (this is my conclusion to everything um guys it’s complex)

er i had one more point in conjunction to above. oh yea so i like dont need all these extra things to make it progressive. like people really want more women in the show and i am honestly like i really dont. i dont want them to actively do this. if they cant do it naturally then let someone else do it. i am not asking for more bc i dont want it from them. when something comes along i embrace it but i do not see why women should be represented when the genre RELIES on patriarchy. there is no complete satisfying existence for the women in these series. i dont want it. i dont ask people to show us~*~* or respect~* like fuck no the people who make it make it and hopefully more will make it in the future but i will not beg bc THEY DONT WANT TO DO IT SO WOULD FORCING IT MAKE IT BETTER? just fucking leave them out entirely. that’s the answer if theyre gonna make nasty female characters then those bitches can geaux. we have other plcaes to be. booked. and. BUSY!

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dyscrasia-eucrasia · 4 years

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Part 11

Angel spent most of the next morning nursing an excruciating hangover. He hadn't even had that much to drink, but he still spent a good amount of time hunched over, retching into the toilet. When finally his stomach had settled enough to get a sports drink down, he crawled back onto his futon and pulled a blanket over his head.

He intended to spend the rest of the day like that, napping and forgetting the night before, but sleep eluded him. He tossed and turned fretfully until finally he grabbed his phone from the end table and checked his notifications.

His Instagram notifications had been going off all night, to the point he finally silenced his phone, something he never did normally. There were notifications for followers, comments, likes - and one tagged picture from Clayton's account.

His stomach dropped and he thought he was going to be sick again. He didn't want to look at it, but he knew he had to. He needed to know if his entire social media career was over. He couldn't stand that thought. He couldn't stand the thought of going back to being a nobody so desperate for cash that he quit school to strip. He didn't want to be just a face in the crowd again.

He hesitated a long time before tapping the notification. The Instagram logo came up on the screen and he was presented with a picture of himself and Clayton. Clayton had his hands on either side of Angel's face, and was forcing his mouth onto Angel's. Angel was tagged in the post, but all the caption said was 'West Virginians know how to party'. There was no mention of the fight, no acknowledgement that Angel looked completely surprised in the photo.

He scrolled through the comments. They were all hearts or eggplant emojis or declarations of jealousy.

That was Instagram for you, he supposed. Everything sanitized for public consumption, worst qualities twisted into aspirational ones.

There was no way he could possibly talk about the attempted assault now. He'd just look petty and attention-seeking. He'd get accused of being a gold digger looking for a pay-off.

And the worst thing about it was that when he checked his own profile, he found that overnight, he'd smashed past ten thousand followers and was edging close to twenty thousand. His follower count had more than doubled, and he didn't even care. It had happened the wrong way. This wasn't the kind of attention he wanted. He didn't want to be seen as Clayton Howard's hookup.

Morbid curiosity compelled him to check Youtube. Sure enough, Clayton's vlog channel had posted a new video about Charleston, but it mostly covered the daytime as he and his crew had run around the city being obnoxious to locals. Angel's stomach twisted. God, he could see so clearly now how everything Clayton did was an act. An especially grating one, at that. How had he ever had a crush on this guy?

And then there was Angel on screen, smiling into the camera and throwing up a peace sign as Clayton wrapped his hand around his shoulders. The rest of the video was made up of rapid cuts - walking to Broadway, drinking Fireball shots, dancing. Then a shot that mirrored the photo on Instagram of Clayton kissing Angel, his friends hooting in approval. The video cut to Clayton shouting at the camera for the viewer to buy his merch and subscribe to his channel, and that was it. Video over. His disgusting behavior completely edited out, Angel's fate left in question.

Angel put the phone down, turning onto his stomach and burying his face in his pillow. He felt like trash. Literal trash, in that he'd been used and tossed away. And nobody even knew it. Nobody would care. After all, he had less than 20k followers.

He stayed like that for a long time, face pressed into his pillow. Tears came on and off, but he didn't even feel sad. He mostly felt empty. He was nothing, a nobody. A fake persona for the internet to consume and then throw aside. A pretty face that got views. Content.

His phone rang. He ignored it. It stopped. He continued to lay there, feeling awful.

Time passed. He wasn't sure how long - he may have dozed off at some point. But then the phone rang again and brought him back to the present.

He couldn't hide from the world forever.

He lifted his head and turned to look at the phone, precariously balanced at the edge of the futon. His eyebrows came together in confusion. That wasn't the name he'd expected to see on the caller ID.

"Hello?" He asked, bringing the phone to his ear.

"Hey dude," Demie replied. Angel noticed for the first time that despite his tone being monotonous, there was a warmth under Demie's words. His voice was rich and deep, like the ringing of a gong.

"Demie?" Angel asked. Of course it was Demie. But still, he was surprised. "What… what's up?"

"Just checking in on you, man. You seemed super out of it last night."

Oh, that was right. He'd called Demie. He couldn't remember much of the conversation, but one part did stick out in his mind. In his drunken state, he'd told Demie he liked him. And Demie had replied in kind.

For the first time that day, his heart didn't feel like a cold heavy lump of metal in his chest.

"Yeah. I'm okay." Angel lied.

"You sure? You seemed… I dunno. Out of it."

"I mean…" Angel took a deep, shuddering breath. When he spoke again, he had to fight to keep his voice from cracking. "I just… I really looked up to his guy, but now I know he's a complete ass, and I can't even talk to anyone about it, because they'll just take his side."

"Yeah, fuck that guy," Demie said, and Angel couldn't help but smile. It was just the way Demie said it - he had no idea who Angel was talking about, and his tone didn't even change, and yet it really felt like he meant it.

"Honestly, I feel like garbage," Angel said. "I just keep thinking about it over and over and I feel so fucking stupid."

"Yeah, uh…" There was a pause. "Do you wanna listen to a song I've been working on? I dunno, might make you feel better."

"The Orpheus one?"

"Nah, it's an older song. It's part of this concept album Mar and I were planning about the Trojan war, but Mar moved before we could finish it."

"What's it about?"

"You know who Achilles is, right?"

"Uh… he had a weak ankle, right? That's why we called it the Achilles Tendon."

"I mean… that's the really short version of it, yeah. So Achilles had this best friend, Patroclus, who gets killed by Hector of Troy. And Hector takes Patroclus' armor, and that pisses Achilles off, so they fight. So Achilles wins and kills Hector, but instead of giving him funeral rites he ties him by the ankles and drags his body around outside the walls of Troy."

"That sounds… intense, but okay."

"Cool, hold on a minute."

There was some scuffling in the background, and when Demie came back it was clear he was on speakerphone.

"Okay, ready?" He asked.

"Sure. Hit me."

Angel could hear an acoustic guitar. The melody wasn't what he'd expected - he'd expected something fast and brutal, like the stuff he'd heard at the concert. But instead this was slow, plodding, like a funeral march.

Then Demie's voice came in, low and resonant. Even over the phone it made Angel's sternum vibrate. He sang slowly, deliberately, drawing notes out in long holds.

The lyrics talked about Achilles, about the pain he felt. It described how he lost a half of his soul, and how he sought revenge. But it wasn't a huge, bombastic revenge - it was a bitter one. The Achilles that Demie sang about couldn't heal the hole in his heart, and so he took it out on Hector. He didn't hate Hector, though, and he felt shame for the way he treated Hector's dead body, and he knew it would lead to his own eventual downfall.

It was a song about the cyclical nature of revenge, and of loss. Angel didn't even notice until the song ended that he was crying. Not silent tears, either - he was actually sobbing.

There was a clatter as Demie picked up the phone again.

"What'd you think?" He asked.

"Holy shit, man," Angel choked. "Holy shit that was so fucking deep."

"How'd'ya feel?"

"I--" Angel wanted to say that he felt like shit, obviously. He had already felt like garbage and then Demie had gone and sung an incredibly depressing song to him, clearly it would just make things worse.

And yet, it hadn't. He didn't feel bad at all. In fact, he felt fine. Good, even. Like he was rejuvenated. It was as if the previous night hadn't even happened.

"I feel better," he admitted.

"Cool. Hey, uh… be careful and stuff, or whatever."

"Yeah. Yeah, thanks."

"Cool, see ya."

"Okay. Thanks. B--" The line went dead before he could tell Demie goodbye.

He sighed, turning over onto his back. His entire body felt lighter, and the tune of the song swirled around in his head. He wasn't sure what had just happened, but it was like Demie's voice had healed him. His hangover was gone, his anxiety was gone. He wouldn't necessarily say that he was happy, but he felt… good.

There was one thing he was certain of, though: he was falling fast and hard for Demie. Not in the parasocial internet crush way he'd felt about Clayton Howard, but in an organic way. Demie had been there for him twice now, despite virtually being strangers, and each time he'd come away feeling better.

Not to mention, the way Demie had sung about Achilles and Patroclus had been so powerfully, painfully gay.

He wanted so badly to see Demie in person.

#writing #writers on tumblr #original fiction #gay fiction #lgbt fiction #original characters #wright's writing #w:demie and angel

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hitodama89 · 4 years

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Because I’m still not over what a mind-boggling disaster the whole process of creating that pixel animation from yesterday was, I actually want to share the painful details with you! Which is extremely unprofessional of me, as everyone who has felt any ounce of respect towards me or my art will absolutely lose it hahah, but the good thing is I’m not a professional so it doesn’t matter for real.

So, the beginning part I have already told: I drew the whole thing, looked at it and decided that I actually want to make it look good. There’s really no way to do that in pixel art without putting every shitty little pixel down individually, so that’s the method I used while redrawing 90 % of the thing (only some of the coloring could be saved). During this I redrew Näkki’s braid I think 4 times and the northern lights 2,5 times.

Then I once again looked at it and thought “man, this really would be neat as an animation”. The idea had been in my mind ever since the beginning, but I never intended to truly chase it. Well now I did, but because I’m an idiot the whole thing was on like 3 layers and I had to manually separate elements from each other to make anything work. (During this I actually made a cool discovery though! Gimp usually considers one layer as one frame of animation, but one layer folder is also just one frame! This made things so much easier.) First I made Näkki move, and then I added some slight movement to water, stars and the light effects on the ice. Then it was the northern lights which were really tedious... Because I sort of forgot that I had drawn a separate base form for them that I was supposed to be able to edit easily. Whoops. But what can I say: at this point the whole thing was already in three separate files: the first one contained a non-pixel sketch and reference images, the second one was the actual pixelated piece and the third one, which I was now working with, had the animation. The base was on the second file, so of course I never remembered it existed!

But no matter, the thing was now basically ready to go! So I once again did the mistake of looking at it... And realized the animation wasn’t paced the way I wanted. (This is when I posted the preview image.) Näkki’s breathing looked too fast, and slowing down the whole thing looked just awkward. I was afraid I’d have to make a couple of new frames for it, but after sleeping a night I decided I’d instead duplicate all the frames and make Näkki and the background elements move at different paces. That seemed like a good compromise... In theory. In practice? I would’ve survived with so, so much less if I’d just added the two frames like I originally meant to.

How would I even describe the mess that followed... Even though I had only 3-4 layers in one layer folder (GOD why didn’t I separate things even more than I did?!) some of them had several separate objects moving in different paces. It was a total nightmare and if I had to explain where everything is in like a month, I would likely not understand it even myself. =‘D The stars and the ice effects had three frames that went back and forth and the water had three frames but it looped instead. The northern lights had... Four frames? They also went back and forth, just like Näkki who had only three frames. But Näkki’s frames had a rhythm of 2-2-4 frames instead of the normal 1-1-1. Then there was also Näkki’s breath clouds. First there was maybe 5 frames of them, but when I doubled the frame count I drew more in-betweens for them. In the end it looked off because they were so close to Näkki who moved much slower, so I actually deleted the new frames and made the original ones move on 2-2-2 speed.

At this point I have no idea how many things I had redrawn, because everything was constantly this close to just falling apart, so I had pretty much not enough brain power to keep count of them. But... Somehow I stumbled to the finish line! And saved it as a gif, watched it to see the possible damage the compression had done and... Was fairly satisfied. Except for the color of the sky, which originally had a gradient in it. The gradient absolutely didn’t work with gif palette, so I went back and made the sky colors more flat. Aaand that somehow left some weird stripes of the original sky color into a few frames. Okay, this is fine, I can deal with it. I delete the stripes. Now the water animation is completely fucked up! At this point I was too tired to make the connection between deleting the stripes and the messed up water, so all I could think was that I just hadn’t noticed the thing before and it was actually gif optimization that had done the damage. I go back and basically redo the animation without optimization, which takes about three tries because I am TIRED and always lose a frame or two somewhere and it’s easier to just do the thing over from the beginning than start searching what went wrong and where. Finally all looks as it should! Except now I have to change the sky again. And delete the stripes. And nOW THE WATER IS FUCKED AGAIN.

Now I finally realized that the water actually had some of the same color as the stripes I had deleted, and those pixels got accidentally deleted, too. I laugh and cry and correct my mistake. The thing is fucking finally finished! I go to sleep and decide to return to the shitshow tomorrow.

Next day I come to assess the damage, but fortunately I don’t find much. The most horrifying thing is that when I was already dead tired I had actually overwritten a wrong file at some point, so I had replaced the cryptid animation from last summer with a messed up version of this animation. (It was named “cryptid” and this was “colors”, so they were close to each other.) Thank god I had uploaded it to several places on internet, so I could just download it back to my computer! Besides that the animation still looked decent, but I still decide to fix one little thing with Näkki’s hair. I’ll do it, save it and upload it to dA. And realize I had forgotten to save it as an animation. Thank the merciful gods of the universe I hadn’t shut down Gimp just yet, because if I had done that I would’ve lost... A lot of work and would’ve needed to create the animation for 65674564236145th time.

Soooo yeah, that’s finally it. I saved the thing again as an animation and swore to never look at it too closely again, because doing that is apparently really, really cursed.

The lesson of the day: actually plan your animations in order to not end up like this! =‘‘‘D

#rambling

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lordgeebsdom · 4 years

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2019, a year in review: Superlative Edition

-Gareth Bill

Athlete of the year: Lamar Jackson - QB Baltimore Ravens. HM: Kawhi Leonard - SF Toronto/LA

Lamar Jackson came out of nowhere to light the league on fire in 2019 breaking Michael Vick’s all-time record for rushing yards by a Quarterback and redefining the position in the process. From his five touchdown performance in Miami to being the assumed MVP, there wasn’t a week where Lamar Jackson didn’t dominate headlines and he continues to show superiority as Baltimore has secured the Number 1 seed in the AFC. Honorable mention goes to Kawhi Leonard for producing the first ever buzzer beater in a game 7 in NBA history and for also bringing Canada their first NBA title. Even against a Kevin Durant-less Golden State Warriors team, Leonard stepped up and delivered when it counted most.

Song of the year: Lost Lately- San Holo. HM: Daemon Veil - EPROM & G Jones

Sander van Dijck, better known by his stage name “San Holo” surprised us with “Lost Lately” in June of this year. A melancholic and melodic ballad of discovery and feeling “lost in aftermath of a breakup” spoke to feelings of insecurity and extends a friendly hand to those in need. From an endearing marketing campaign featuring “lost” posters where fans could call a “helpline” to hear an exclusive sample of the song, to a music video taken straight from EDC: Bitbird executed an almost perfect build and drop for “Lost Lately.” Great followup work to last years “Album1” and I definitely am excited about his future projects for 2020. Honorable mention goes to the IDM monster “Daemon Veil” by EPROM and G Jones. Plain and simple, I loved this ear worm. There’s so much going on from the initial baseline drop to the stuttering minefield of drops and turns that follows before a calming conclusion. Every time I hear this track, I see it too: the flying snares, the zips, zooms and wubs, the story it tells me….its captivating and satisfying. While it isn’t as friendly for casual listening like my 2018 song of the year “Time” (also by G Jones), Daemon Veil is an IDM banger that I’ll continue to blast well into 2020 and beyond.

Album of the year: Good Faith- Madeon. HM: Hollywood’s Bleeding - Post Malone

This was a tough call for me, there was a lot of great albums that came to us in 2019 but Madeon’s “Good Faith” stands tall above the rest. From the initial singles of “All My Friends,” and “Dream, Dream, Dream,” to the unexpected bangers of “Miracle,” and “No Fear, No More,”: “Good Faith” makes a solid argument not just for album of the year but possibly even for the decade and I simply cannot recommend it enough. Honorable Mention goes to “Hollywood’s Bleeding” by Post Malone. Like many, I have thoroughly enjoyed the evolution of Post Malone from SoundCloud sensation to certified super-star, and “Hollywood’s Bleeding” continues to show us that this artist is just getting started. I loved “Goodbyes,” “Circles,” “Sunflower,” and many other tracks on that album, and I’m confident many others did as well. Rapper, Rockstar, Soul-singer and bro: best of luck in 2020 and beyond Post, we’re all eagerly watching.

Movie of the year: Its a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood. HM: Avengers: Endgame

Easily the most contested category of the year and the hardest decision made in these superlatives. 2019 produced some awesome films but Tom Hanks’s take on Fred Rogers gave me chills that I hadn’t felt since seeing Christopher Reeve’s Superman as a child. Like Superman, his presence among adults and children alike would universally cause awe and calm, almost god-like tranquility through security. In a year that was defined by division, unrest, cruelty, and anger: Fred Rogers reminds us that there’s still a great deal of hope for humanity, and it all starts with being a good neighbor. Young, old and everyone in between can learn something from this deeply affecting story about humanity and connection. Honorable mention goes to Avengers: Endgame for managing to be the only major franchise ending this year (Game of Thrones, Avengers, Star Wars) that managed to do it with a consensus BANG! It was a 3 hour film that somehow felt like an hour and half, and when Captain America held Mjornir with every Avenger ever at his back and said “Avengers, Assemble!”, I couldn’t help but fist pump with a grin from ear to ear. Tony Stark’s dying words of “I am Iron-Man,” gave me goosebumps and Black Widow’s death made me feel genuine loss: The Marvel Cinematic Universe managed to execute a singular plan and vision over 23 films and that is truly exceptional.

Actor/Actress of the year: Joaquin Phoenix as Arthur/Joker. HM: Florence Pugh - Midsommar

Joaquin Phoenix’s long anticipated and controversial performance as Joker was the best singular work I saw this year. Authentic, gut-wrenching, thought-provoking, and anything but boring: Joker gave us the next step in comic book cinema and a new cultural icon in the process. Arthur Fleck is a poster child for mental illness, something that currently is at the forefront of our society and gave the general public a poster child for such conditions. Phoenix’s Joker will one day be recognized in the same light as we currently see Che: an underdog figure of resistance and revolution standing against a seemingly unstoppable status quo and inspiring the unseen masses in the process. Honorable mention has to go to one of my new favorites in Florence Pugh and her performance as Dani in “Midsommar”. Her pain, confusion, and ultimate triumph that unravels throughout a trip to a small village in Europe during their mid-summer festival is the stuff of “slow-burn horror” wet-dreams. There’s a scene early on where her character has to convey immense grief after suffering a personal tragedy and I can still hear that crying in the most haunting way. Pugh’s performance stuck with me in a year full of great ones, and I’m very excited to see her future work including “Black Widow” in May.

Television show of the year: Watchmen- HBO. HM: Good Omens - Amazon Prime

Watchmen blew my mind, and I the less I say about it, the better. A continuation of the story told in my favorite book of all-time, “Watchmen” managed to tie together many loose plot threads from that story while also moving the universe forward in new and exciting ways that matched the tone of the graphic novel. Regina King’s “Sister Night” was a complex, likable, and tragic protagonist uniquely qualified to walk us through this new chapter, and without spoiling things anymore than I already may have: YOU NEED TO WATCH THIS. Honorable Mention goes to Good Omens on Amazon Prime. To any familiar with the story or Neil Gaiman’s work in general, you know what to expect: deep stories, complex and likable characters, and witty dialogue that will make you pause and think or laugh feverishly in equal measure. Its only 5 episodes, so there’s really no excuse to not dive into this one and see how the world ends…..or rather was supposed to…

Game of the year: Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice - PS4/XboxOne/PC. HM: Apex Legends - PS4/PC/XboxOne

From Softwares’ “Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice” stands tall in a year that finally saw long awaited projects like Obsidian’s “Outer Worlds” and Kojima’s “Death Stranding” get long-awaited releases. An exciting and more stealthy evolution of the Dark Souls combat system made me feel like a real Ninja for the first time since Ninja Gaiden Black on my original Xbox. The demanding, but fair gameplay combined with a variation of environments including haunted Japanese forests, Sengoku Temples, Palaces and gory battlefields came together to give the most complete package I played in 2019. Just don’t be too surprised if the final boss gives you problems because that f***er can almost made me break a controller. Honorable mention goes to the game that managed to dethrone “Fortnite” as the most popular game for like a whole two months. Respawn entertainment developed the awesome Titanfall series that I personally enjoyed and rumors had been circulating for quite awhile that they were looking to expand Titanfall into the booming genre of BR or Battle Royale. Apex Legends is the answer to those prayers and still continues to push out new skins, content and weapons at a regular rate. Did I mention it is also completely free to play?

Story of the year: President Trump becomes the third President to ever be impeached 12/19

HM: Henry Nobrega wins the fucking BVN Football Fantasy Football title. 11/19

To be perfectly honest, this is the first category that really could have gone either way for me. President Trump becoming the third President in US history to be impeached for abuse of power and obstruction of congress was massive; regardless of how you feel about President Orangutan. His tenure as President has produced a number of newsworthy moments but this story stood out among the others for sheer importance and international embarrassment. Speaking of embarrassment, that’s essentially what my good friend Henry’s fantasy football team has managed to be every year that I’ve played with him. A perennial basement dweller that typically auto drafts due to some BS excuse, and a resident near the bottom of our power rankings but this year he flipped that script on its head. He managed to draft my Athlete of the year, Lamar Jackson, and the last great white running back in Christian McCaffrey. Not only did Henry surpass his preseason ranking of bottom, he managed to win both regular season and postseason titles and beat a solid team by Graham Heck in the process. I got love for you bro, but I’m still perplexed on how your season managed to be as dominant as it was. Sorry Greta Thunberg, but these stories had my jaw on the floor, maybe next year lil’ Queen.

Meme of the year: Baby Yoda of the Disney+ show “The Mandolorian”

Was there every really a doubt here? Baby Yoda or “The Child” as he’s known on the show is the biggest pop culture icon born on the internet in 2019. The gap between Baby Yoda and what I considered to be an honorable mention was so wide that he will officially stand alone in this category. Baby Yoda’s cuteness managed to melt even my stone cold heart this year and that is absolutely an achievement. What made this creature so endearing was the universal applicability though music, sports, culture, and food: Baby Yoda was everywhere and the internet found common ground and shared meaning through sharing little graphics everywhere prominently featuring him as the centerpiece. Well played Jon Favreau, we love this little guy and everyone thanks you for creating him.

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hadtochangemyurlquick · 6 years

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WLW Fic Rec List

with input from my beautiful friend @gee13

I promised a random anon I would give ‘em a more complete list of recs several months ago so here- in no particular order I have, Glee, Pretty Little Liars, Pitch Perfect, Girl Meets World, Supergirl, The 100, The Good Place, and Riverdale.

There’s very little porn without plot in here, but I went through my favorites on fanfiction.net and my history on Ao3 and if I recognized the fic I put it down. So some might have slipped through.

As I was going through these and rereading some old favorites I forgot about I wrote little bios. If your work, or a work you really like doesn’t have a bio it’s just cause I remembered it was really good and didn’t feel a need to reread it. If you want comment your own and I’ll edit the post and give you credit.

The minimum qualifications for all of these were:

At least 2k words for a one shot, if it was a multi chapter there had to be at least 1k words per chapter (For example: 14 chapters, 14k words)

It had to be completed or updated in the last year ish (but like I was flexible based on the quality, and if I knew the author or the deal or not)

It had to be Ao3 or Fanfiction.net and tagged appropriately (so I could find it)

Also I never really got into g!p stuff because I ran into a lot of transphobic or just really offensive stuff early on which put me off of it.

Or the alpha omega stuff, when my goach found out I was reading fanfiction she said ‘great just nothing with alpha omega shit okay” and that was like four years ago but I don’t care enough now to start. So none of those are on here (maybe in faberry but I don’t think so)

And they also had to be english, my spanish is still pretty bad so I can’t really read any of those- sorry :(

But let me know if the link ain’t right. And if you think something should be added let me know too, and I’ll read it and add it, and give you credit. My tastes have changed over the years to be slightly so if there’s something here that you think is distateful message me being like “can you reread this?” because it might’ve slipped through. Or I might be like “m8 thats some gay ass shit right there, agr33 to disagr33.” We’re all just here to read out otps getting together again and again in different ways, let’s just be chill about it

But don’t worry- what’s important is at the end of the day they’re all very very gay.

Italics is required reading for each fandom

Glee

Faberry

Dead Girls Don’t Sing (a must read) and the sequel Dead Girls Don’t get a Happy Ending - if you read nothing else for the rest of your life read this, it was written by one of the kindest women I know

You Don’t have the Right

A Perfect Match - slow burn, good if you like tennis

Comfortably Numb

Black Holes and Revelations

Angel Eyes

I’ll Be

Beers and Strippers

Kill the Light

Racing Against the Sun (fucking depressing I cried)

The Christmas Act

Acceptance and it’s sequels: Remembrance and Convergence

Making Angels Cry

Better Than Ice Cream - cute kid!faberry fic

Alone Together - slow burn af but worth the read

A Million Miles of Fun - ridiculous and great

Cuddle Monster - fluffy fluffy crack

Zero, Thirtyseven, Nine - I read this awhile ago and was too young to comprehend the genius

Secret Relationship Unlike Any Other - I was just thinking about this fic the other day!

Should’ve Asked for Directions - if you haven’t read this- read it I swear to god

An Accident of Paradise

Backwards Walk and the companion Between The Drinks And Subtle Things - angsty and painful, I once attempted to write a happy ending and even my fluffy ass failed

Better Where it’s Wetter - Introduced me to Ellen so…

Boats in the Sky

The Wish

Give your Heart a Break - left me a lil unsatisfied, but gave me some room to daydream about an epilogue

We might fall hard We might fall fast

I Told Him

Opposite Poles, Equal Partners - a quick angsty one shot to leave you unsatisfied :)))))))))

Quinn’s Second Time - I remember this being good awhile back, let me know ya’ll

Marley and Quinn

My Lost was Saying Found

Brittana

12 Days

Pretty Little Liars

Emison:

Ali’s Second Chance

Duplicity

Sinner’s Lullaby

the supreme

Dreaming

Gravity

Affair

In Holy Matrimony

Our War

A Break From Being Me

Acquired Madness

Her Silence is Deafening

It’s a Process

Orange is the new Alison

Mermaid

Brooklyn and the Baby

Dreaming - tbh I’m not sure if it’s good, but the concepts amazing and the first chapters are really good so we’ll see

Downtown Train - this author is an investment, I have a feeling they’ll get better with time and this fic is already really good. Perfect for a relaxing rainy day, or right before you go to bed because it won’t keep you up. Just like a chill fic bruh

Begin Again - THAT ONE BASED OF AN OLD ASS POST I MADE FOR NOTES BECAUSE I KNEW YOU FOOLS WOULD EAT IT UP AND SOMEHOW TURNED OUT REALLY WELL AND I DIDN’T EVEN ASK THEM TO WRITE IT THEY ASKED ME HAHA WHAT THE FUCK

Tattooed Memories & Hidden Stories

Soldiers are Dreamers

Lauren - frustrating for an emison shipper but undeniably well written

Place Your Bet - tbh everything by this author, while a little slow, is incredible

And The Sparks That We Had Can No Longer Light Up Our Debris - angsty and unsatisfying, but I’m a masochist so I love it

Like Real People Do

Right now it feels like we’re bleeding (so deep that we might not get back up) - I have reread this shit so many times, I love it to death

J'adore

she’s (not) too good for you - I reread this on the regular

25 Occasions People Have Celebrated in the Liarverse - seriously so good, I cried several times

Five Kisses Emily Fields Never Had (On Screen)

Half the Fun

A Break From Being Me - hasn’t been updated in 3000 years but sorta incredible tbh, read at your own risk!

Mulligan Madness

Ali’s Guide to the Art of Love - one of those fics that seems dumb but is actually really gripping and well written and it’s just that the summary’s misleading?

i’ve been afraid of changing (cause i built my life around you)

silver stepping stones - sorta like ‘Right now it feels like we’re bleeding…’ but told from Alison’s perspective and if Alison had gone with Emily. It’s not perfect but it’s a cute one shot and really in character

Ali’s Nightmare Before Christmas and it’s sequel Breathe Again - I actually haven’t reread these I just remember these being really really good

Art of Attraction - I actually know the author and she’s super nice and she writes a bunch of other great stuff

Charlissa

All the Things That Used to Matter

Vandermarin

every thought a thought of you

Love is the New Denim or Black

Sparia

Act Like Everything is Normal

wide open road (of my future)

Spanna

Take Me to Your River (I Wanna Go)

Other:

Chalk Paths

Tell me you Won’t Leave me - really angsty, I felt like it really made an impact on me ya know?

Thirteen Things - this is actually a series but every fic is completed and utter gold

All the Way Home I’ll Be Warm - okay this is a lil hetero but it has emison so

Big Little Liars

Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Depravity

Slouching Towards Bethlehem

Times, They Are A’Changing - sorta every gay couple imaginable, I haven’t read it in awhile but I remember it being really good, there’s a companion peice: Baby, You’re the Best I’ve Ever Met that’s about Mona and Melissa

Pitch Perfect

Bechloe

Perfect Timing and a Perky Red Head

Moirai

Girl Meets World

Rilaya

The Circle

iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou, she never says and the unfinished sequel which will continue to kill us “we’ll be fine,” he swore (even if you aint in the fandom read this, some of the best work I’ve ever seen)

Growing Pains Taste Like Five Hour Energy And Her Lips

Darling so it Goes - hasn’t been updated in awhile so read at your own risk

your hand in mine (heartbeats in sync)

we howl to the moon

do you fall in love too easily?

Passage - I reread this to make sure it was still good as I remembered, crying now- read at your own risk

As Observed by the Sky

pretty sleeper and it’s companion pretty weeper - why is the rilaya fandom so angsty? IT’S NOT NECESSARY

crawl home to her - vampire au, not normally something I’m into but the pickings are sparce and this is damn good

Revelations

Ten First Meetings

The Universe Wants Maya Dead - fucking angsty man, seriously

Day in the Super Life

with joyful ring - a cute Christmas one shot

a love that’s homeless - another cute fantasy one shot

ramble in the roots

Supergirl

Supercorp

Something to Write About

The War of Roses

Is this who we are now? - I wish this was more than a oneshot, I would’ve liked to see the ending play out but a fantastic concept- really

90408

Of Soul-Mate’s and Heart-ache

The Fifth Wall - I’ve loved the slow buildup but haven’t had a chance to finish it so no one talk to me about it ever

Secretaries Know Best - Jess is a queen and I love her

One Lena Comment Too Far - the greatest piece of literature to ever grace the internet

Did You Absolutely Have To - I’m dying and I love it

Your Name

Supergirl’s latest date - I remember this being pretty funny but I was too lazy to reread

Sunlit Honey and Lavender Sunsets and apparently the author has an unfinished sequel? Gold-Crested Ravens and Cornflower Blue Mornings

The 100

Clexa

Lightening Only Strikes Once - READ READ READ PLEAASE

Six

Down Came the Rain

The Blind Side of Love

Pie in the Sky - so so so so good! Like actually amazing

they take their shots but we’re bulletproof

you’re magic & you’re real

All That You Got (Skin To Skin Oh My God)

Copper Down - so I went on a clexa spree and so there’s gonna be a shit ton of those on here

More Than You Think You Are - a little ooc at times but pretty gosh darn amazing oh my god

masquerade dreams

blood rush in the hazy glow - this killed me, I wish the author would give us an epilogue, maybe Clarke and Lexa buying the bar together and watching some lost college kids come in making it a circle or something, but really really really amazing Jesus

I’ll travel through time to save you

In Another Life - a little Lexark for ya, it’s a short, fun, satisfying read you can knock out in thirty minutes

Origamis - to prepare ya’ll for the single mom au I’m dropping probably never but have planned out in my head to a tee

The Wife Project: By Professor Alexandria Woods - Autistic!lexa is honestly one of my favorite head canons that I believe is 100% true, and this fic writes it effortlessly

Almost Three - angsty but interesting concept- definitely enjoyable and I’ve reread it multiple times

Some Angels Fall

Commander in Chief - the best part about this is that in this universe trump is in jail

i’ll give you the moon - some christmas fluff

she gave me a good character (but said I could not swim) - angsty and unfullfilling so you know I love it

The White Queen Running - I loved every moment of this fic and it’s (unfinished) sequal - The Red King Awake, while admittedly hard to follow at times it’s still incredibly sweet while also being angsty and intriguing. 10/10 would read again. Also there’s so much fanart for it? Like really really good fanart? I’ve actually saved some of the better pieces to give me inspiration when I write tbh…

An Unfinished Fight - wonderful concept but would’ve loved to see the ending scene played out more, still an overall amazing fic and honestly so satisfying

Love Letters and Coffee Grounds - a warm christmas fluff for ya that’s ridiculously long but still great.

It’s in My Roots, in My Veins, in My Blood (and I Stain Every Heart That I Use to Heal the Pain - a little bit of plot exhaustion by the end, you can probably just stop reading after the second denny’s scene and then skip to the epilouge but still so fantastic. I stayed up till 2am reading this and have no regrets

This Isn’t Our Fate (But You’re Still My Destiny) - lexark and clexa in one amazing fic! Sign me the fuck up! Really fucking cute and fluffy and totally angsty headcannons for elyza I love.

An Adventure - I love the characterization for Aden and I love this so much in gerneral tbh

you’re magic & you’re real - I like exactly four headcanons about the 100 characters: autistic!lexa, dyslexic!clarke, nonbinary!octavia, and I can’t remember the other one. It doesn’t matter, all of the mentioned above are in this and it’s very gay and wonderful and I actually wish I could make a movie out of this because it’s so great

by her side - a warm fluffy christmas fic for yall

Let Your Hair Down - dunno, cute af I guess

The Days of our Lives - a series I didn’t have the patience to finish but I have adhd so… the first one was fantastic and I loved the second one, but it keeps going so the others are probably good too

Today at Dust - helpful if you want to cry

who told you that you were naked? - fantastic, like seriously one of the best things I’ve read.

i can fly higher than an eagle (for you are the wind beneath my wings) - GREAT if you want to cry. Not clexa centered but at the end yeah… It’s about Anya and Lexa

I have lost my pain - creative and interesting, well written and well done. A very good fic in all manners of speaking

I Will Wait (You Forgave And I Won’t Forget) - just a cute oneshot that’s very well written and gripping

A Forest Fire - I’m a sucker for fix it fics

Fallen - a series I didn’t have the paitence to finish but again, symptom of my adhd, the first book and second book’s first half was fantastic and cute. I just love the headcanon for Clarke

Fix You - angsty but also amazing?

Mystic Coffee - did this inspire fanart or was it inspired by the witch!clarke fanart?

the business of caring - I’m a huge fan of this author’s style of writing, it’s funny and straight to the point and very dry, I read this until 3:30am last night and I had to get up at 6 the next day

what the ground grows - written by the same author and you can see the similarities in voice. Seriously both are amazing but this one is considerably more angsty than the one above

I’m bigger than my body, I’m colder than this home (I’m meaner than my demons, I’m bigger than these bones) - so angsty but so wonderful, I actually cried so hats off to you author…

The Witch of Ceder Plains - a cute two shot

July 4th 2016 - not really a series like the description promises but a very good stand alone story that was well written

If Love Were Enough and the heartbreaking prequal What I Lost In You - both oneshots, both genius

Bury it and Rise Above - mideval oneshot that I love

Ramen, Redbull, and Spite - I need a comic book based off this, it’s genius

find your way to me - fuck this fic, no really, I stayed up till 4am reading it when I had to get up at 8 the next day. Fuck this fucking shit. Mainly fluff until everything falls apart

Sacred Spaces - wasn’t gonna cause it’s just a oneshot and the description is so bad but shit the imagery in here is to die for and I feel like I’m reading a van gogh painting seriously

maybe they will sing for us tomorrow: the only thing I’ve ever printed a hard copy of its my all time favourite probably (description and initial reccomendation by @lexascandlestores)

Everything by this author is so good in the clexa section I would reccomend all of it seriously oh my god

move on me: reincarnation fic that’s really beautiful (description and initial reccomendation by @lexascandlestores)

Against the multiverse: a really fun clever one shot (description and initial reccomendation by @lexascandlestores)

ultraviolet lights - a lexark one shot that headcannons Elyza in a way I haven’t seen her before (a soft gay extra mess)

Hope is the Thing with Feathers (That Perches in the Soul) - I really love the daemon universe even though I’ve seen very little of it. This was very vivid though and had great imagery...

You’re Love Is a Waiting Game - I don’t think the author knew how to end this which is why the ending wasn’t perfect, but it’s overall so amazing I love it and it’s def worth the read

a year of sundays - a bit of a slow read at times and a bit mind boggling at times that they don’t figure it out sooner but very fluffy and amazing and very in character

your hand in mine and it’s sequal your hand in mine (pt. ii) - at the time of my writing this I have not yet finished part two but the first one was mastered so well I can only imagine its counterpart will be of a similar nature. Also there’s smut in this

Nails For Breakfast, Tacks For Snacks - a series about clexa in the middle of a turfwar, it’s just three well written one shots that are gripping and have a lot of imagery and realism.

Something Suspicously Close to Hope - read if you like crying and Stranger Things, it’s a series of one shots about Eleven being adopted by Clexa and I love them

beat the devil’s tattoo - I haven’t read the one for anya but I imagine, if it’s anything like this- it’s pretty darn good

And I am driftwood, found. - really emotional, I read the first part but never finished it but this forced me to go back and reread it. Definitely worth it.

Feels Like Home - a short but satisfying read with very good characterization

a hand to hold on to series - definitely prioritizes family over romance but the kids were very realistic and I liked what they did when they placed Lexa in such a new situation so fast. I feel like people characterize her as bad with kids a lot but I don’t think she was...

or what you will - realiztic and heartfelt, I liked the poetry it was additive and insightful

enchanted. - are there ever enough harry potter AUs? Could’ve done with some more angst but this was acceptable.

She (thefooliam): a classical emotional roommates fic that just nails all the feels (description and initial reccomendation by @lexascandlestores)

This is heaven in hiding: lawyer multi chapter that’s really good and pretty smutty though! ()

Markenland Series - there’s just two right now but I think they plan on writing a third. Anyway, very cute, I loved the characterization and the slowburn but not kill me this is taking too long slowburn

More Women than Warriors - I can’t begin to describe how much I love this, one of my favorite things I’ve read of all time. Please read this.

Empath - gay

Love Is Blindness (I Don’t Want to See) - my dad sat next to the daughter of a notorius kingpin when he was in highschool, once she asked to borrow a pencil and never gave it back and he watched her use it for like three months and said nothing.

Habromaniac: cute one shot ( description and initial reccomendation by @lexascandlestores)

this heart, fossilized and silent (once was tender, and once was violent) - surprisingly little angst after the beginning but in still a very realistic way. very fast paced in terms of action, I certainly was never bored...

Suffrage - there will never be a time when I am not interested in twentieth century, cross dressing, feminist clexa fighting for the rights of women

No Church In The Wild: one of the best heartbreaking canon one shots ever (description and recomendation by @lexascandlestores)

Kiss Me, Kill Me; It’s Just The Same Isn’t It? - lexark, a little bit of poetic fluff thrown in there but it hit just that perfect mix of clexa and lexark, very good

the earth, that is sufficent - written for clexa week I loved every chapter of it. Each peice was a standalone but also worked cohesively with the others. Flawless, seriously.

Into the Wild Blue - I just love southern clexa okay? Leave me alone

it’s called contraband for a reason - written by one of the best clexa authors of all time it’s hilarious, sweet, in character, poignant and well done. At times the format takes away more than it adds but it allows the reader to compare and contrast the beginning and the end and see the character’s develop more clearly.

there is no sweeter innocence (than our gentle sin) - this author may or may not be a genius Imma go binge all of their works and let you know. This was vv good at least. One shot

we’re only young & naive still (the bittersweet between my teeth) - part of that gaf au (you can find here) that I love so much... just a one shot but the different perspectives are done really well which is a hard thing to do well

Before Words, Beyond Silence, and it’s unfinished sequal, In the Screaming Silence - it has that satisfying instant clexa connection while not sacrificing plot or angst, no trust me, it didn’t sacrifice angst. I think the ice queen plot was a little rushed but it’s still fantastic and I’m excited to see where the sequal goes!

Skylark - A superhero fic that’s pretty damn cool. Clarke and the gang had illegal experiments done to them by Mount Weather and it gave them superpowers. They fight crime while trying to remain anonymous as well. This story is so clever and incorporates the City of Light/chips/ flame so cool, and Clexa are badasses, and just…read it, trust me. (Description and initial reccomendation done by @dreamsaremywords on this rec list)

You See The Smile That’s On My Mouth (it’s hiding the words that don’t come out) - A childhood modern au where Clarke and Lexa are fuckin soulmates and best friends and it takes them a ridiculous amount of time to figure that out. (Description and initial reccomendation done by @dreamsaremywords on this rec list)

The World Had Less Color Without You - it’s a college au where Clexa become friends after being paired together for a project, and fall in love even though they’re both terrified of it. (Description and initial reccomendation done by @dreamsaremywords on this rec list)

Love on the Ground - This!! fic!!! is fucking fantastic. Canon-verse, angsty, so, so good. Just read it. (Description and initial reccomendation done by @dreamsaremywords on this rec list)

Mysteries of Love - There’s another apocalypse, but Clexa are soulmates, and there’s a happy ending. (Description and initial reccomendation done by @dreamsaremywords on this rec list)

Essays in Existentialism: FtWD - a writer on tumblr publishes a lot of fics, either multi or oneshots under the ‘essays in exstentialism’ I haven’t read any beyond this lexark multi but this lexark multi was pretty fricken amazing ngl. Unfortunately hasn’t been updated in more than a year so it’s a pretty big risk

You Ask My Name (and All I do is Listen) - I had every sort of feeling about this, it’s super in character and incredibly well done

The Library - a bar au with a perfect mix of instant connection and angst, really well done

possibility days - a celeb au that’s well written and annoyingly filled with useless lesbian themes for both our idiots

Hooked on a feeling - an HP au I waited a million years to be updated and then finally was and what I’m trying to tell you is it’s amazing and worth it and wonderful and fluffy and I’ll love it forever

gera’s step-sister au - a lot of porn, Idk why but I tried to read this a billion years ago but I reread it recently and loved it. But yeah - definition of porn with feelings

Come Morning Light - this author writes a lot of kid fics but this is one of my favorites. In character and well written with a heartbreakingly poetic style. I love it.

most ardently - like some of these authors fics are amazing (like this one) and some are dumb as shit and like? Are there co authors? Are you like multiple people? I don’t know but this was amazing, historical clexa is historical clexa. Has some themes of the suffragette au from my first rec list but carves out a nice space for itself.

Punchline - a oneshot where Clarke wanders around the world and runs into Lexa a lot except it’s angsty and beautiful and there’s a lot of imagery

clexa eternal au - painful heartbreaking well written fantastic. I love most of the stuff by this author too so like you can’t really go wrong

pump mud through my veins - I wasn’t sure about the structure at first but they did something really cool with it and honestly well done

out at sea - okay I saw the tumblr post for this but I gotta say they did something interesting and fun with it and I don’t mind. Well writtten and vv cute

we will meet again - put off reading this because I was prepared for endless heartbreaks. Did happen but totally worth it. Don’t worry there’s a happy ending

Zoo Parks and Restoration - I got annoyed with plot exhaustion but the amount of well done clexa in this made it perfect. I never really like modern aus that much but I love this

The Whore’s Queen - took a little bit to get going but once it did... damn...

We Looked Like Giants - for some reason I put this off but there was no reason to? It’s so good? And very in character?

when my heart is at war - I can’t wait for the sequals, the first one is incredible!

Fall Away - a lot deeper and angstier than the thing got me ready for, really amazing and really well done. Love them lesbians

we could be immortals - put this off for some reason I don’t know why. Very in character, very true to high school I think, and funny and sarcastic and well written. it’s a highschool au but it’s more in character than that, and there’s plenty that links it to canon. I prefer canon tbh, but this was a nice fluff break

The Taste of War and Heartache - angsty and unfinished this is another incredible work by thefooliam. I would ten/ten reccomend because where it leaves off is pretty okay. It’s a canon au but it has some modern elements for those who prefer that. Really a great fic.

Bellamy x Murphy

if you only knew (my heart is breaking) - murphy is immortal and it’s angsty, this actually introduced me to this ship and I don’t normally like mlm but I kinda love this?

cynophilia - geez I don’t know why I love this ship all of a sudden wow

(you owe me twenty) - this actually ends with Murphy and Emori but it’s still super well written and well done

The Good Place

Tahani x Eleanor

True Love Is What Janet and Jianyu Have - this author is actually getting a lot of the second season right tbh

Riverdale/Archie Comics

Beronica

Can I Kiss You?

maybe being in a closet isnt so bad

Real Bisexual Kissing

Thaw - a real fluffy piece that won’t leave you angry and sad at all :)))))))))

Friends Don’t Let Friends Suffer Alone

The list as of 10/1/18

That’s it for now, I’ll probably reblog it with a continued list or post another list later as I go through more fics and more are reccomended and updated and finished. I just thought I’d post it now for obvious reasons...

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paganchristian · 3 years

Photo

More swans from another zoo. I might add some more thoughts later that this post sparks, editing this post to add on, as I’ve been doing to some of my posts. Because I don’t have time after posting to immediately add them and I like to look at the picture as I type my thoughts that the pictures elicit for me. As usual, the thoughts might morph into long essays, and I just let them if they do that, in this picture therapy journaling that this blog has mostly turned out to be lately for a while, since pretty early on I guess. If it will ever turn another direction, I wonder but this works at present. Though things I’m posting about might be of dubious value to the general topic of “spirituality” or pagan-Christianity, but it’s more about my personal journey of pagan-Christianity as such includes many personal issues of my own and mine alone probably. Oh well, it’s my journal. It feels important to me, worth putting in public because then it’s not totally secret and repressed like it might feel, and become, unintentionally as my brain says if I can’t say it out loud, why say it at all, even though I try to tell my brain it’s not so. Secrets of oneself and God are still worthy. But my mind keeps eroding away the thoughts I can’t speak to at least the internet.

So anyway, earlier when I thought to post this picture, I was thinking of a few associations it triggered in me. One, swans, and the thoughts it was bringing up. Swans make me think of The Ugly Duckling, in the Hans Christian Andersen fairytale. It makes me think of the theme in fairytales of suffering, and oppression, preceding glory and peace, love and fulfilment, finding your home and belonging, and meaning after great hardship that spans long, difficult times and places and uncertainty. I think that oftentimes it feels to me that it is this hard and painful and slow and deprived kind of path and years of suffering and being kept away from safety, love, and fairness, being kept away and apart, hidden from the flow of life itself, hidden away from opportunity and abundance,.. these things can be the very reason we are later on able to achieve greatness, love, glory, honor, wonder, majesty, magic, or achieve might not be the right idea here, maybe we don’t achieve it but rather it gets granted to us, almost as if a gift, a reward for putting up with and staying the course through all that suffering, but that’s not all.. it’s like the suffering times themselves helped to set us outside the standard, predictable flow of life, and we are in that way shaped and guided, strengthened by the challenges, turned inward by the lack of outward love and peace and goodness, to find in ourselves and to also seek from other realms, when the outside mundane world doesn’t have what we need, or maybe we don’t seek it but it comes to us, when we need it like some kind of fairy godmother or other such blessed beings or objects that are given to those who most desperately need and also who deserve them. But in fairytales those who don’t deserve it often are not given what they desperately need. And those who can’t muster the courage and faith to try often aren’t given what they need either, but only if they can summon the daring and patience and strength and faith to keep trudging on and trying, however unlikely the road ahead, however horrible and terrifying, only then will we get our blessings, only piece by piece, over great grueling years perhaps.

Like a zoo we have to be confined and protected in less than ideal circumstances but in a world where things are often for show and often unkind, there isn’t always the ideal circumstance to help us and we have to accept something that feels degrading and confining sometimes, if we are to be given the support and the limitations we need, too, because we also need limitations to keep us in check so we don’t just go out of control, get confused, get lazy, overindulgent, swayed with the winds, the numbness and excess and lack of direction and selfishness and arrogance that often look harmless and are praised in average culture and only through so much limitation can those weaknesses be seen and be shaped and given the restraint that we can’t find in ourselves, too weak, full of excuses and uncertainty to make ourselves do right.

So I feel like life and all its difficulties for me has made me slowly but surely open more and deeper over time to the surreal, the spiritual, morals and values that often are completely overlooked by most modern people, or even just most people, overlooked by humans and human nature and life as it usually is lived, as it has to be lived, in the rush and chaos and overwhelm, fear, lack and panic and worry and escapism and frivolity that tend to dominate human life with all its pain and craziness, no matter what society and what age and place and time.

But it feels to me that some people really desperately need to have these limitations placed on them, these hardships and restraints and problems and sufferings, illness, confusion, loneliness, being so weird and unwanted, and all the things that have made me so confused and hurt and lost and alone, the spiritual existential confusion, all these things,.. And if they had that and if they still had enough love in their lives or enough support or enough of something to keep them going then they would in time learn what they need to know.. But sometimes, with some people, it looks to me like instead of experiencing these limits and trials they need, they really have it too easy, ... And so instead they seem to just stagnate and grow numb and unable to make themselves try to change or open their minds or grow and see new values that are outside the norms. And while they feel so depressed and alone and tired of life as it is, nothing will push them out of their comfort zone so they just stay stuck.

And I’m thinking of that in relation to my family member. When are they ever going to be shaken out of their comfortable path so that their heart, soul, mind and lifestyle can grow and change? Because it feels that is what made me change so much and finally in time find what I need. But they don’t have that instability and desperation so they remain very much the same over the years. And yet I don’t think that I know what is best, and if they were disrupted it could go very badly. I have had times when my whole life was chaos and I didn’t know if I would survive it and I would never assume that chaos and desperation in any given form are what someone else needs. I wouldn’t try to push them into pressure and chaos and confrontation to make them feel forced into trying something new, because I’ve been forced to try new things that ended up making me so miserable that I thought I truly might not survive and looking back I can only be glad that is past me now. I can only be glad and wonder that I did survive it all so far and hope I always will in the future if anything upsets my world and heart and mind and soul too much again one day. I can’t feel like it was God who designed it all to be as it was because the toll exacted against me through some of my tormented years seems more than necessary, more than the benefit and I just wonder if I will make it in the long run and I just don’t know how to make sense of it all. Who can say what God’s plan is and if you can’t say then anything can go, because anything can be explained as just part of the mystery.

Anyway, I wish that my family member that I’m so close to (or closest of any of my family, anyway) might have just enough difficulty to make them really search and try new things they need to search and try and look and see, but how much difficulty and how fast, I don’t know. Maybe they really must stay as they are now, for who knows how long. How can I say that their whole path in life is not meant to be totally different from mine and maybe if they look like they never change and grow, that is how they are meant to be, because they are changing and growing but not in the ways I can understand, and maybe they’re meant to not just change and grow but to stay strong and stable in ways I could never do, and that is the whole point and purpose of their life? How can I know? Maybe it’s more about love and openness of heart, rather than being strong and stable or being growing and changing, either one? It’s all so much relative and subjective reality since I think it’s hard for me to say, are they changing and growing? Are they loving and caring and open-hearted? Are they strong and stable? Or none of those things? I could make the case for answering yes or no to any of those questions because it is hard to say, but so easy to make assumptions, distort perceptions without meaning to, see only half the story because so much of another’s inner world will always be unknown to us. We’re unknown to our own selves so very often, because of how complicated our mind and hearts and souls are.

So I don’t know, for whatever those things are worth, but those were the thoughts sparked on this morning by those pictures of the swans. And many hours later now, the inspiration comes back up, looking at the pictures, again, and so I finally am writing these ideas that came to me earlier on.

Though sometimes I think the feeling passes and the image I wanted to use to spark my writing no longer seems to have the same effect of making my words and thoughts happily, easily, peacefully flow any more and that is why I don’t just try to save the pictures in my drafts or something. I like things to feel more spontaneous and in the moment and that way if it flows it does and if it doesn’t I will drop it or return later when the same or another thought feels suddenly compelling and triggered. Often while I go through my pictures, one after another image triggers many different angles of insights, but only finally do I come upon one that makes me really want to write about it, and all those other images that gave me ideas help me to focus and to flow and to have more words and concepts with which to build my descriptions. I guess that I’m a very symbolic and visual thinker and these images work that way for me. They also stabilize emotions like a sensory grounding tool for trauma, whenever traumatic feelings are there, as often is the case. And they can feel anti-depressant, protecting me from the many things that drag me into depression and anxiety, because so many of these photos are the opposite of what depresses me and it works a strong magic on me, using the goodness from my own real life to help me remain calm and here, in the now of my own world of beauty and peace and goodness. And yeah, overly wordy, run-on sentence. But I feel like to try to subtract words might muddy my meaning so I leave it even if too many words also makes the meaning hard to follow and grasp. A catch-22, which reminds me of something else, the catch-22 image, that is, reminds me of something else I might like to write about sometime, we’ll see.

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jjkfire · 7 years

Text

Saltare

Reader x Taehyung // Jumper!AU // 5583 words

Summary: You’ve always hated your birthdays until you turned 15 and found yourself in the place you had always dreamed of.

Genre: Fluff, Angst

A/N: Based off the movie called Jumper! This is me trying to get out of my writer’s block sigh ): Reposting because guess which idiot accidentally deleted the post while trying to edit it?

Present

“Who sold me out?!” He screams. “Which fucking brother sold me out?!”

Yoongi laughs darkly, an evil smirk on his face as he stares down at Taehyung.

“Who ever said it was one of your brothers?”

“They’re the only ones who know what I can do,” He sneers, tongue darting out to lick at the dried blood at the corner of lips. “Was it Jimin? Jungkook? Who was it?!”

“Are you sure you want to know?” He laughs. “I have a feeling you won’t like the answer.”

“Just fucking tell me so I can cut off the bastard’s tongue when I get out of here.”

“If you insist,” He smiles and gestures for you to step out of the shadows.

You take small steps, cautious and afraid. The Taehyung you see all bloodied and tied up was not the same Taehyung you know, not the same Taehyung you love. The Taehyung you love is soft and jovial but this one, this one in front of you, scared you. From the moment you saw him in the chair, his expression was fierce and the words he spit out dripped with venom. Even though you hadn’t locked eyes with him, just standing here from afar and seeing the dark expression in his eyes sent shivers down your spine. Maybe you didn’t really know Taehyung at all and maybe he didn’t really know you at all either.

15 years ago

You sit there awkwardly staring at the 7 candles flickering in the wind as you hear the birthday song echo throughout the room. You’re not sure what to do so you fold your hands on your lap and smile as you look around the room. Although everyone here in this room was not related to you by blood, you still love them all the same. After all, they are the closest thing to family you have.

♪ ♪ Happy Birthday to you…. ♪ ♪

Make a wish!

As you blow out the candles on your very modest home-baked birthday cake, you are filled with warmth and love. You smile as you watch the people around you clap and congratulate you once again for making it through another year. Everything was perfect except… you only wish your parents were here clapping along with them.

If you shut your eyes and think hard enough, you’re able to see them, the only memory you have of them playing over and over again like a tape on repeat. The memory is warm, calming even and you imagine that’s what being loved must feel like. Though the memory is old, you have spent years trying to decipher it. It’s not much but really it’s all you have to remember your parents by.

You’re probably around 3 in the memory and you’re just staring out at the canals with your parents, laughing along with them and just as you turn to face them, everything fades to darkness and you’re filled with emptiness. It’s in Venice, that you’ve managed to figure out and you hear melodious laughter coming from two adults. The canals looked majestic and you’ve seen it in your head so many times now that you could probably draw it by hand. If you could draw that is... Your parents’ faces however were blurry at best and you’ve spent years scolding yourself for not turning quicker to look at them. All you could ask was why didn’t your 3-year-old self spend more time looking at your parents, remembering every single detail that made up their features?

Every year you made the same wish as you blew out the candles. You wished that your parents would come collect you. You would forgive them for the years that they had left you in this godforsaken house, if they would only come and collect you. They probably had a good reason for leaving you here, they wouldn’t just abandon you, would they?

The day after your birthday was always the worst. On your birthday night, you would always have dreams of them coming to the foster home so that they could take you back to your very opulent home. The three of you would sit at the dinner table and have a family meal like you always wanted. It would be reminiscent of something out of a commercial, the three of you all dressed fancily and laughing together like a perfect family. Ridiculous, it was and yet you always wished that you would never wake up from that dream but you always do. Your dreams were always so vivid, often times you wake up and you’re left with a sense of longing, wishing you could go back to where your heart seemed at peace. The day after your birthday is bitter and it always feels like you have a literal rain cloud over your head. The day after your birthday just feels like disappointment because whenever you wake up, you’re reminded once again of the fact that you’ve been abandoned by your parents for yet another year.

The resentment grows every year and you go from hating the day after your birthday to hating your birthday itself. You thought if you didn’t celebrate it, the immense pain you felt every year around that fateful day would fade but it doesn’t. So, you grow numb. You shut yourself off from the world, wishing to feel nothing rather than to feel all that pain. They tell you to smile, to be friendly so that it’ll make you look more adoptable but you can’t bring yourself to. Really, who would want you if your own parents didn’t want you?

You hated your birthday with every fibre of your being, you really did… until you turned 15.

Like any normal night, you had slipped under the covers at lights out and tried to go to sleep. It usually took you under an hour to go to bed but tonight your body was just buzzing with energy. You willed your mind and body to calm down but it was no use. It felt like every single nerve was crackling with an unknown electricity. In the dark, you looked at yourself to see if you were glowing, to see if anything was out of the ordinary but it nothing looked out of the ordinary.

“Hey,” You whisper as you reach over to prod the younger girl in the bunk bed next to you. “Is there anything on my body? Like do I look weird or anything?” You ask.

“Yeah, your face looks weird,” She says maliciously and laughs.

You let out an annoyed grunt as you roll your eyes at her and pull the blanket over yourself in frustration. God, you hated little kids.

An hour or two passes by and you still feel wide awake. You watch as the second hand ticks away, your precious hours of sleep drifting along with it. Now you’re just annoyed. You just really wanted to sleep so you think of the only thing that can calm you down. You think of your parents and Venice and—

A scream tears through your lungs as you feel your bed disappear underneath you, well you’re trying to scream but you can’t hear yourself. You must’ve rolled off your bed or something like that mid-dream. You feel yourself falling and you feel like your stomach is doing multiple acrobatic flips, much like when you’re on a roller coaster. You’re falling fast, too fast so you squeeze your eyes shut, bracing yourself for impact and the impending embarrassment that was to come.

The falling sensation stops and with a light thud you feel a surface beneath you, one that isn’t the smooth floor but rather a jagged surface. Slowly you peek out of your previously shut eyes and spot brick red roof tiles underneath you. You exhale, thinking this must be another one of your vivid dreams. But this time everything seems a little too real. You’re too aware…

You reach to pinch yourself and ouch that hurts, so this isn’t a dream? Maybe it was one of those lucid dreaming things that you’ve been reading about lately. They say in those dreams you’re able to float around or fly but looks like you’ve got the short end of the stick because gravity seems to be at play here, *sighs* damn it.

Curious, you glance downwards and you absolutely regret it because you’re aware of how dangerously high you are from the ground. You crawl along the top of the roof, inching forward slowly as you feel your palms begin to sweat. The sound of your heart beating is so loud that you can hear your pulse ringing in your ears. You do a quick glance around the roofs, making sure you do not dare to look anywhere other than at your eye-level. A few feet away from you, you spot a nicely decorated open top balcony and you begin to crawl faster towards it, wanting nothing other than to feel a stable surface beneath your feet.

As your feet touch the solid tiled floor of the balcony, you feel your heartbeat slow down and you breathe out a sigh of relief. You sure hope the owner of this home doesn’t come out any time soon to find you standing here because god knows how you’re going to explain how you got here in the first place.

Sinking down onto the plush couch, you finally let yourself look out to the horizon and you almost feel your jaw drop at the sight. You’ve seen something similar many times before, those domes in the distance, the numerous tiny bridges with striped-shirted men rowing gondolas underneath them and the glistening blue waters that surround the buildings that have stood the test of time. This is the very place you’ve been dreaming to see in person since you could remember. This is Venice.

You jump up from the couch immediately and venture forward. Clinging onto the balcony railing, you look out as far as you can. It’s exactly how the pictures on the internet and the books look like… okay maybe the water isn’t as clear but everything else looked perfect. The mind is such a beautiful thing, you thought… to be able to make a dreamscape look as real as this was really something else.

Standing there, you are simply in awe. You take the time to memorize every single building, to memorize how you feel in this moment because you’re unsure if your brain could recreate a dream like this ever again. You take a deep breath, gathering the courage to look down so you could see the streets and you look over the edge, stepping up on the bottom of the railing to get a clearer look.

You hear a loud crash, your head whipping around to the other side of the balcony where the noise had come from. You hear a young boy curse rubbing the spot on his head that had hit the railing of the balcony. Slowly, you walk yourself over, cautiously watching the young boy who was dressed in the oddest mismatched pajama set you’ve ever seen. You looked down and realized that you too were dressed in your pajamas and this whole dream is really beginning to confuse you.

“Where am I?”

“Uh, Venice, I think,” You answer.

He looks around, nodding to himself as if he could confirm that this is in fact Venice.

“Who are you?”

“I asked first,” He frowns.

You let out a deep sigh. You can tell you’re not going to like this guy already.

“Fine, I’m Y/N.”

“Okay Y/N, why are you in my dream?”

“This isn’t your dream, this is mine!”

He looks at you completely bewildered, as if you had just accused him of a crime.

“This is my dream thank you very much, no way you could’ve built Venice to look like this” He gestures wildly with his arms.

“Please, if there’s anyone that could do this, it’d be me.”

The boy scoffs, completely unamused.

“I’ve been playing Assassin’s Creed for months now, if there’s someone who knows what Venice would look like, it’ll be me.”

(Info: Assassin’s Creed II is a game wherein it takes place in 15th & 16th Century Italy)

Assassin’s Creed? You scoff mentally at the boy before you.

“I’ve read every article, book and magazine about Venice. If there’s anyone who knows what Venice would look like it’ll be me,” You boast. “Anyway, if it was based of Assassin’s Creed then why is everyone dressed in modern clothes?”

Taehyung looks over the edge of the balcony, watching the people below buzz around and you were right, they were all dressed in modern clothing but heck this is a dream and he was dressed in pajamas for god’s sake.

“Because, this is a dream and it doesn’t have to be accurate.”

“Look here—“ You pause, pointing at him, searching for a name.”

“Taehyung,” He answers.

“Alright, look here Taeh—“

A shrill scream jolts the both of you and you turn back to find a very shocked Italian woman screaming what you assume to be Italian profanities, some of which you recognize because aren’t those always the first words you pick up when trying to learn a language? Anyway, that’s beside the point because now she’s swinging her broom at you and you’re not sure what to do. You turn to your right, searching for Taehyung, hoping he would come to your rescue but the boy had disappeared. You rush backwards, ducking to avoid the broom as fear starts to course through you veins. Out of the corner of your eye, you watch Taehyung retreat to the other side of the balcony, hiding behind a giant potted plant. You scream his name, asking for help but you only see him watch you from his hiding spot.

What a douchebag.

“Oh my god, Miss really I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to trespass and—“ Another loud scream (that really, you feel is loud enough to shatter glass) leaves her throat and now the neighbours have all come to their windows to see what the commotion is all about. “—Please stop screaming, miss!” You beg. The broom gets closer and closer to your face and you move further and further towards the corner of the balcony.

She lifts her hand swinging backwards and you know the blow that’s about to come was going to hurt like crazy so you shut your eyes and hold your hands up to cover your head, hoping that it’s enough to soften the impact.

You wait and wait but you don’t feel anything. In fact, her shouting seems to have faded. Weird. Slowly, you peek out from behind your hands to find that you are no longer on the balcony, that you were now standing in the very alleyway you were looking at just before the woman had come at you with the broom. What the? How did I even?

You look up to see her still very furious as she screams in Italian at the passers-by, pointing at you and almost in unison they all stop to stare at you like they’re about to pounce. You back away slowly, shaking your head furiously while apologizing. You glance up once more and — oh god she’s going to throw the broom down.

Another loud scream sounds from above, one that sounded even higher in pitch, diverting everyone’s attention and you see the woman grabbing Taehyung by his ears, dragging him out of his hiding spot. Taehyung sinks to his knees, begging for forgiveness as the woman threatens him in Italian. He squeezes his eyes shut, wanting nothing more than for this nightmare to end. For a moment, he thinks he’s in the clear and that he’s back on his soft bed but when he feels his body crash into the ground he knows that truthfully this nightmare had only just begun.

The both of you have no time to think, to try and process what had just happened. How the both of you got from the fifth floor of the building all the way to the bottom was a mystery and was one not worth thinking about because this was just a dream, that’s what it was... a dream bordering on becoming a nightmare. The Italian women screams at the passers-by before running back into her house, presumably to chase after the both of you and you begin to feel panic rise within your chest. The crowd divides into two, one half looking at you and the other at Taehyung. The passers-by inch closer towards you, their eyes fixed on you, screaming profanities at you and without a second thought you take off running in the opposite direction that Taehyung had chosen to.

You run as far as your feet can take you and you don’t dare to glance back, afraid that they were only inches away from catching you. You turn at random corners and skid across the pathway as you try to avoid the oncoming foot traffic. Your tiny little feet slamming hard against the cobblestone as you propel yourself forward, putting more and more space between you and those pursuing you or at least you hope so.

After what seems like hours of running, you settle down on a bench at one of the small plazas littered throughout the city. You wipe the beads of sweat that have begun to drip down the side of your face with the back of your hand. You pant heavily, ducking your head down as you try to draw as little amount of attention to yourself as possible. Though that was a challenge since you were the only one dressed in a matching polka dot pajama set in broad daylight.

When you decide that the coast is clear, you get up from the bench and begin your long awaited chance at exploring the city. Everything seemed so different, so quaint and no matter how many times you had watched videos about the streets of Venice, nothing quite compared to being able to walk through them. Venice was everything you dreamed of and more. It was perfect in every single way, well except for the droves of tourists that seem to take up every inch of the walkway. Other than that, it was exactly how you pictured it to be.

You loved the way it smelled, the scent of the salt water canals wafting through the air. You loved watching people communicated in Italian animatedly, ah what a beautiful language. You loved the tiny stores that sold knick-knacks and the busy restaurants that sold food that made your mouth water. You loved how it was bustling city but you could escape the hustle and bustle easily by disappearing into some lesser known alleys. You wished you had a camera with you to capture all the sights and sounds, you wished you could live in this dream forever because you’d do anything to escape your sad reality.

A young family walks by the canals and you spot the young girl that seems to be right about 3, holding onto her parents’ hands. As they swing their arms in the air, you could only wish it was you in her place, that it was you holding onto the warm hands of your parents. Funny how reality had a way of affecting you even in your dreams, like it took pride in taking away every ounce joy you’re able to acquire.

Your feet begin to ache and your body begins to hurt as you feel your parched throat burn whenever you swallow your saliva. The world around you starts to spin and you find a bench to plop yourself down on before you pass out. Resting your elbows on your knees, you bring your hands up to shield your eyes from the sun that was blazing down on you. In your haze, you wonder where Taehyung was and if he had managed to get away like you did. This really was the most physically exhausting dream you’ve ever been in and maybe Taehyung was right and that this was his dream because none of your dreams had ever included this much goddamn running. You close your eyes, giving yourself a few moments to catch your breath but your head won’t stop spinning and you bend forward, thinking you might just throw up any minute now

Just as you stand up and take your first step, your feet wobbles and you feel like you’re suddenly being lifted into the air. You try to scream, pushing all the possible air out of your lungs but nothing leaves your throat, not even a squeak. You feel the same gust of wind, that falling sensation returning once again and your heart sinks because this probably means the dream is over. So you shut your eyes, letting a sense of disappointment wash over you.

With a light bounce, you find yourself back on your springy mattress again but it takes a moment for you to readjust and get your bearings right. You feel around, making sure that you really were in your room once again because as odd as it sounds, you felt like you just had an out of body experience. You lie there for a few seconds, trying to recap your dream and no matter how much you think about it, there really is no way to explain the chain of events that had happen. No way to explain how you had ended up in someone’s dream or how someone else had ended up in your dream. Glancing around, you see everyone still fast asleep, dawn fast approaching as the sky starts to fade to a lighter shade of blue. Quickly, you shut your eyes and settle down against your pillows, hoping to get a few more hours of sleep or perhaps hoping to return to the dream again.

“Up, up, up! Everybody up!” The matron shouts. “If I see any of you going back to bed, you’re not getting dinner tonight,” She adds.

There’s a collective groan that comes from the room and slowly but surely, you all exit the room one by one. You sit up, feeling like you’re slightly in a daze. That dream really took everything out of you. You were exhausted and oddly enough your legs ached and your throat felt like it was on fire.

You make your way down the rickety wooden stairs to the dining table where a simple breakfast had been laid out. You waddled across the room to your assigned seat, everyone waiting for you so that they could begin the meal. Just as you took your seat, your teeth almost sinking into the sandwich, the matron calls for you from the kitchen. Her voice had that tone to it, the one that made you shake with fear and everyone at the table sends you worrying looks.

Oooh, someone’s in trouble, you hear someone whisper.

You shuffle nervously towards the kitchen and when the matron sees you, she immediately pulls you into the pantry. Your eyes are wide with fear as you stare back at her in the dimly lit closet-sized room with cans upon cans of processed foods.

“Where were you last night?”

“What do you mean Miss? I was in bed,” You answer.

“Don’t play dumb with me kid,” She sneers. “When I did my rounds last night, you weren’t in bed so I’m asking you one more time. Where were you last night?”

“I was in bed, I swear miss!” You exclaim, your palm held up facing her as if you were saying an oath.

“Then why are you all sweaty?”

“I-I…” You swipe at your skin in confusion, wiping away the beads of sweat. “I just had a really crazy dream and I guess I—“

She looks at you, examining you features carefully to look for any sign of uncertainty in your face but your features only spelled out one thing, pure confusion.

“Your dreams… do they always feel very… real?” The matron asks after a long period of silence.

“Yes like—“

“Last night when you were dreaming, before you got to where you were, did it feel weird? Like you were on a—“

“—Rollercoaster,” You both say in unison.

You smile back at her, delighted that she understood what it felt like but she only looks back at you with eyes filled with worry.

“Go and finish you breakfast,” She sighs. “We’ll talk about this later.”

You chew on your sandwich slowly, mind somewhere else as you think about your dream and your short conversation with the matron. Something just didn’t feel right and it irked you so you just shift in your seat uncomfortably as you try to finish your breakfast.

As the bus approaches from the end of the street, the matron starts shouting, rushing all of you to put on your shoes. You being your usual nonchalant self, you take the time tying your own shoelaces and she shakes her head at you. As she pushes almost everyone out of the house, you stand there adjusting the straps of your backpack and she calls your name, beckoning you to come closer with the curl of her finger. She passes a small piece of paper to you carefully, telling you to stop by the library in town on the way back from school. Confused, you simply shove the paper into your pocket and run after the bus as the driver honks the horn for the umpteenth time.

As you settle down in your seat in the bus, you pull out the piece of paper from your pocket. Smoothing out the creases with your hands, you examine the words carefully. It said nothing more than a series of numbers which you assumed must be the book’s number code at the library. You slip the paper back into your pocket and decide to think about all of it later.

You were buzzing with curiosity the whole day, so much so that you simply couldn’t bring yourself to focus in any of your classes. You wondered what the book could be about and what it had to do with your dream, your teacher’s voice being reduced to a mere background soundtrack to your thoughts. Under the desk, you stretch your feet as best as you can to dissipate the aching feeling you felt. You wondered if somehow you had acted out your dream in your sleep because your body ached with every single move you made.

Before you knew it, the final school bell rang and everyone was rushing out of class. Still in a daze, you slowly get up to push everything on your desk into your bag. When you step out of class, you had a skip in your step as the prospect of finally being able to go to the library excited you.

The walk to the library seemed to take a lot longer than you remember and you’re not sure if it’s because you were itching with excitement or because you kept taking the wrong turns. When you finally reach the library, your school uniform clung to your body as the sweat dripped down your back. You shut your eyes in bliss as you felt the cool air coming from the air conditioner blow against your sweaty skin.

Standing on your tip toes, you pass the piece of paper to the librarian, asking her if she could point you to where the book was and she gladly points you to the shelf in far corner of the library. You nod gratefully and move towards the end if the library. The books in this section seemed like they had been untouched for years. The musty smell invaded your nostrils and you place your hand lightly above your nose to stop yourself from inhaling the thick layer of dust that has seemed to settle on all the books in this area.

You moved down the aisle slowly, your fingers grazing the spines of the books arranged neatly on the shelf, collecting dust as you moved along. You stop abruptly when you spot the same numbers on the now crumpled paper in your hand. You remove the book from the shelf and it is a lot smaller than you had expected. You thought it was going to be one of those grand hard cover books with emboldened gold letters but the one you held in your hand was rather simple leather bound book with no title at all.

You take a seat on the bench at the end of aisle and flip through the book. As you scan through the book, the language gets increasingly complex so you rely on the hand drawn pictures to fill in the blanks. Being 15, you’re not very sure about what you’ve just read but here’s the gist of what you think you understand.

For a long time now, there had been a group of people who simply have the ability to jump from one place to another so, essentially teleport. This phenomenon only takes place on said person’s birthday but there have been reports of some people being able to do so whenever they want to. Having vivid dreams is a common factor that many jumpers have because apparently, it’s their subconscious jumping to certain locations. As a community, most jumpers have chosen to be silent about their abilities after well-known members started to disappear mysteriously.

You shut the book, feeling more confused than before and also slightly more afraid. This all felt something a little like the beginning of an introduction to a cult. The first thought that comes to your mind is why did the matron know about this book and was this why she was always a little kinder towards you? Second, if you were meant to only be able to jump on your birthday then was today your actual birthday? If so, why did you celebrate your birthday on a different day. A hundred and one questions were swirling around in your mind.

When you return home, you try asking the matron about it all but she feigns ignorance, choosing to ignore your desperate pleas for answers. You don’t dare to tell anyone about your abilities, afraid some burly men were going to come and take you away to a hidden secret facility which is probably unlikely but you’ve watched far too many movies for a kid your age. After a while, your curiosity dies down and all the questions you have are kept away in some far corner of your mind. It didn’t seem like anyone was going to or capable of giving you the answers you wanted any time soon so what was the point of dwelling on these questions?

One year later

Your body was buzzing with the same energy like the year before. It was a minute away from midnight and you were already too excited, barely able to contain yourself. Sneaking past row after row of bunk beds, you made sure to hold your breath and tiptoe all the way until you reached the door. Stepping out into the hallway, you take in a huge breath and stood in the hidden corner of the house, occasionally glancing around to see if anyone had followed you out of the room. A loud chime sounded from the grandfather clock downstairs and your eyes lit up, it was finally time. With clenched fists, you think hard about Venice, choosing a quiet alley this time because god knows you didn’t want a repeat of the whole balcony scene again.

A second or two ticks by and you felt electricity buzz beneath your skin. You felt your body shake with excitement, your skin tingling and before you had the time to process anything, you felt your body being flung into the air, like a big gust of wind had swept you off your feet.

With a soft thud, you feel your feet land on a tiled surface and you groan aloud. Christ, not again. It was the same balcony, the railings were much higher this time and you guess that was probably due to the mishap last year. You had just begun to shut your eyes, picturing a small alleyway within your sights when you hear a yelp, accompanied by a crashing sound as a wisp of green smoke clears to reveal Taehyung. You groan in distaste, clearly still unhappy to see him because he had abandoned you last year on this very balcony.

“Jesus, not you again,” Taehyung says as he locks eyes with you.

“Yeah, don’t worry I feel the same way,” You snort.

“Look, I believe you now, this is your dream or whatever because hell, my dreams are never as crazily vivid as the one I was in last year,” He heaves. “Please, get me out of this dream, I don’t want to go through this again,” He groans.

You laugh uncontrollably, barely able to catch your breath as you take in the worried look on Taehyung’s face.

“What’s so funny? Don’t tell me you enjoy mentally torturing people or something?”

“Uhh...Taehyung was it?” You ask and he nods, slightly confused. “This isn’t a dream,” You laugh.

“What do you mean this isn’t a dream?” He asks when you simply continue laughing, not stopping to give him an explanation.

“It’s your birthday isn’t it?” You smirk.

“I-It is... How do you know that?” He gasps.

“Because Taehyung, you & I are Jumpers.”

6 years later

You stepped forward, into the light but your gaze remained fixed on the floor. You didn’t dare look in his eyes, too afraid of what he would do, what he would say.

“Y/N…” The tone of his voice filled with disbelief and the way he says your name comes out as a mere whisper. Taehyung stares at your guilt-ridden face, your hands folded in front of you as you nervously twiddled your thumbs together.

Taehyung feels the ropes around his arms loosen as Yoongi stalks over. His subordinates standing around the room aim their guns at Taehyung for good measure, a silent warning for him to behave.

“I hope you’re not thinking of doing anything stupid,” Yoongi says as he gestures around the room.

Taehyung doesn’t reply and remains still in the seat, his legs still tied to the chair. His mind is reeling as you shift nervously from one feet to another in front of him. Your eyes never once leaving the floor. How could you, why would you?

“Since you were so insistent—“ Yoongi places a small knife in his hand. “—go ahead and carve out her tongue then.”

You let out a yelp of pain as Yoongi’s men kick at the back of your knee and force you to kneel before Taehyung. Your eyes flicker up to look at Taehyung and you’re sure he can see the fear you’re trying so hard to hide. You bite down on your lower lip to stop it from quivering and try to control your breathing.

“Go on,” Yoongi laughs. “Or are you just all talk?”

Taehyung roughly grabs your face, fingers digging into your cheek and despite all your effort, a whimper escapes your lips.

The cold blade rests on your lips and you shut your eyes, struggling against his hold.

“Hold her down! Hold her mouth open!” You hear Yoongi shout and you feel tears threaten to start streaming down your face.

I’m so sorry, Taehyung, you wanted to say but you couldn’t get it out. At this point, Taehyung was probably confused, hurt and blinded with rage. Nothing you say or do could stop him from cutting out your pretty little tongue but you wanted him to know that you didn’t think Yoongi would have done all of this to him. He promised you he wouldn’t hurt you or Taehyung but you guess you’re a fool for believing the words of a man who tortured people for fun.

You feel your tongue being yanked out of your mouth and the tip of the knife being pressed to the side of it.

Forgive me, Taehyung, forgive me.

#btswriters #kwritersnet #bts fanfic #bts scenarios #bts fluff

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signalsandsoundwaves · 7 years

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kay so I’m like 95% sure I just had my first ever real lucid dream??

so I guess some background on this for the past few weeks/months I’ve been having I guess are called reality checks, in my nonlucid dreams where I see something and I kind of act like how I rationally would in real life when faced with the same situation, like in one dream this weird giant figure thing materialized in the middle of the football field while me and a couple of other girls were on the bleachers talking about art stuff and giving each other critiques (they were actually critiques I’d make IRL too like I remember saying the line weight in her drawing was great, try making the color palette a little more vivid, said those in particular) and the figure thing was almost slowly robotically moving towards me? I was very creeped out by this just as I’m very creeped out by robotic slow movements by people in real life (my brother would do that as a way of pranking me and I wanted to slap him for it) and I remember hauling ass down the bleacher steps and going across the street (for some reason this dream the bleachers and football field were in my back yard) and I leaped the fence to get into my front yard (it’s a short fence irl) to get towards the neighbor’s backyard fence and leaped that one too (it’s also a short fence irl i am not an athlete :( ) and that’s where the dream ended BUT I just wanted to recount that to you as an example of how I’ve been responding rationally to irrational situations in my dreams recently which may have set me up for this.

Ok SO this morning (like just now) I was trying to sleep at least a little bit cuz I had like a 4-5 hour nap last night (I should not nap, I basically sleep for soooo long lmfaooo) and after to trying to fall asleep for a couple of hours i finally fell asleep!! Good right? Nah.

so the dream opened up to me sitting at the computer in my room watching a new rick and morty episode (season 3 episode 2 to be precise, which is not actually out yet!! so disappointed) and in the dream I was consciously thinking, “Wow! A new episode! Wait this is weird, isn’t the new season not coming out until summer? Are they releasing the new season early as another joke? Gosh this is a good joke if it is” and then I really got my first inkling of Wait a minute because the episode was some kind of weird musical episode!

Except it wasn’t obviously choreographed with timed routines and all of the stuff a proper musical would have it was just like dialogue they were speaking while singing it out? it was very very strange and I distinctly remember thinking Wait a minute Rick and Morty would never do shit like this and then when I had that thought they stopped singing their dialogue. and Thats. When. Shit. Hit. The. Fan. and I was legit having a 100% bonafide LUCID DREAM and I realized I had control! And I thought how fun! Let’s try something simple! So I just kinda made up some little cartoon characters and they appeared. I imagined them singing and stuff and they did that! and then I did some other things like changing the color of paint in my room, moving around (except that was weirdly difficult and it felt like I was trying to move through molasses which I realized then was because I was trying to move while my body was asleep and locked up from sleep mode) and it was pretty alright!

Aaaaaand then I had remembered some line i read like a bajillion years ago about how you have to be sure to resolve any anxieties, fears, whatever because otherwise it could show up in the dream and I was kind of worrying because I was actually having fun and I didn’t want that to end AND THE FUCKING SECOND I WORRIED THAT THIS FUCKING LITTLE TOOTH MONSTER THING APPEARED and it was really weird because it had no eyes a g i a n t mouth that spanned its head (just like the harlequin demon from nightmare before christmas) and at the same time looked like a cartoon character? like brightly colored and everything and it would be harmless looking if it werent for that god damn mouth

and this little tooth monster started trying to get at me! and it hadn’t tried to hurt me yet or anything but I wasn’t sure and I knew it was caused by my worrying so I had a vibe it wasn’t going to be so good when it did get at me and I was thinking of ways to bind the little fucker up so I could properly deal with it and I realized that I had control here so I could try and vanish it away and it did! for like two seconds. then my thinking about it just made it reappear right in front of me as if it never left. So then I tried waking up. And I did, in the dream :/ I woke up to no cartoon characters moving around and nothing around and all way quiet and the room layout changed to match the room I have now (I really should have realize I was in a dream when my room layout changed but wait! There’s more!) except the paint color was yellow like my old room. I should have realized at that moment that I was still sleeping but I didn’t, and then I only realized I was still asleep in real life when me attempting to move my arm felt like I was trying to move through molasses again.

And that was when I thought Oh Shit and the fucking. gremlin. tooth. monster. appeared. again right when I thought that! and it was back yet again with a vengeance and this time I thought okay I got control here right? I can just make some ropes or something and when I thought that these snake rope things came out of my fingers and started wrapping themselves around the tooth monster thing and it kind of worked, the little beast was restrained! so that was half of the problem solved and I started bringing the thing closer to myself because honestly I was going to rip this thing apart and get rid of it for good (until the next gremlin shit came along) so I started to try tearing it apart, and it came apart much easier than I thought it would! except this time there was no blood and it was like russian dolls where there was a smaller one inside the outer one? the shell of the outer one was super thin and connected the top half to the bottom half with those thin flimsy plastic hinges that you see on easter eggs. and the next one came apart easily still connected with that flimsy hinge, and the next, and the next too

the whole time while i was trying to tear this thing apart i kept hearing the thing laugh which was really weird because the body of the thing acted like it was in pain when I was popping them apart and then the discarded shells were unresponsive like they were dead? which made sense except for the laughing. it was a really weird kind of high pitched laugh like a baby that kept going as I split the bodies apart and I kept desperately trying to wake up wake up wake up and then I finally did wake up! In a lilac room, not yellow, which took me a second to realize was the proper room color that I should be seeing. I tried moving, much easier now, no molasses. aaand then i got up and had to do a quick reality check by interrogating my mom as to the errands we did yesterday and freaking her out LMAO

so then I thought I had to tell the internet somehow (cuz im lame lol jk jk) and then I just went ahead and made a post here for posterity. Oh and one more thing time passed actually kind of normal in the dream? like I woke up and I was shocked that only about 30 or 40 minutes had passed which on second thought made sense because the events in the dream probably had only taken about that long to happen, but IRL when I dream I wake up with hours having passed. i guess i woke up in the dream relatively early hmmmm

edit: prob notable to point out that this is probably the first time ive had an actual nonsensical dream, usually it’s got some degree of realism or almost terrifying realism to it :(

#you can read this if you want #i don't mind no privacy invasion or anything #but i literally never want to lucid dream ever again though i cant block out those kinds of thoughts #shit i honestly prefer nonlucid dreams compared to that too much spook #fuuuuuuck #personal

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