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nicegrippysocksbro · 1 month

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TW eating disorder content ahead

I was feeding my dogs and couldn't help but laugh because I feed my dogs more calories than I feed myself. Like if I found out someone was starving their pet I'd be livid but for some reason it's okay for me (to starve myself not my pets).

My best friend was begging me to eat something today (she knows I struggle with eating but she doesn't know the extent) and she made breakfast for dinner and she said if I took one bite she'd leave me alone so I ate one bite of scrambled eggs but now that there's something in my stomach I'm fucking starving and I just want to eat and eat and eat. But if I eat I'm gonna a) break the longest fast of my life and b) have to throw up after. And I know how damaging purging can be and it's just so much effort so I try not to do it unless I have to.

A few weeks ago I weighed 250 lbs and this morning I hit 221 lbs. I know I'm lying to myself and I'm not in control of my eating disorder anymore because even when I say "you can eat in 11 days" or "you can eat when you've lost 25 lbs," I can't do it. I'll make food and feed it to my dogs or chew and spit or throw it away. I do allow myself to drink up to 200 calories every few days when I start feeling dizzy or getting headaches, but the thought of eating food or drinking more than 200 calories scares the fuck out of me.

I'm halfway through the partial hospitalization program and they still haven't noticed that I'm not eating. And the longer I go without eating the worse it's going to be if they do notice and ask me how long it's been since I've eaten. I don't know how long of a fast they'll consider too long and freak out about but I'm sure 2+ weeks is going to be an issue and I don't want to be sent to the hospital and force-fed when I weigh over 200 fucking lbs because when I get out I'm just gonna start restricting again but I'll have more weight to lose.

#tw ed #tw eating disorder #fasting #restricting #php #i want to fucking die

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pansyperrish · 5 months

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finally got batteries for my new scale but im terrified to see where im at

edit; ughhhh im down a few but still p fuckin high up there. I mean this is after drinking a bunch of water and eating so I’ll try again tomorrow

#tw ed diary #I’ve been in php and IOP programs so no restricting and I feel like I gained so much #I’ve been running and keeping cals low since Friday but i know that wouldn’t be enough to see progress and waaaaaaaaugh

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jinglejanglemornings · 9 months

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like EYE GUESS if you get there at 8:30 and AM snack is at 10:30 they don't want them too close together but for me that effectively means i'd have to eat breakfast at or before 7 because i have to be on the bus at 7:30 and my body is just not going to fucking tolerate that and i won't do it

#i cannot wake up before 7 it's just not a biological reality for me to do that every day #i also need to chill out before i know the schedule for 100% certain #i'm also just in a very whiny doom and gloom mood right now but ughhhhhhhhhhh #literally WHAT is the point of PHP if i have to do breakfast alone. just kill me #tw ed #ish

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iwatcheditbegin · 10 months

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That sounds so bad that they didn't arrange aftercare for you!! I don't know which country you're in, but can't you call that inpatient treatment team back to ask for outpatient care? In my country it would be their responsibillity to arrange care, but I'm not sure how it's in your area. Or maybe your gp knows what therapists are specialized in ed and take new clients? Anyway, it sounds bad. Especially if you don't have the support from your family (I went no contact with my family years ago, so I know it can be lonely even when you're still in contact). I hope you find the support, therapy and care you need. :( And I hope you won't relapse, but please know that we're here for you i you need to talk or vent etc. We never interacted before, but feel free to reach out 💕

TW: Ed. Yeah it was really unusual and irresponsible. There was even aftercare coordinators but they didn’t do much, even told me I’d have to make the calls myself if I was interested in IOP or outpatient. and they still went along with the discharge knowing I had no support. But It was php ( intensive outpatient) and I think that’s why they were so nonchalant, bc it was already a lower level of care. I was no longer a liability bc I had weight restored in res yk. Similar things have happened to me twice before at this phase in recovery. They absolutely didn’t do this when I was inpatient and residential - you’re not discharged until there is a solid plan.

This is largely due to lack of options in my state, I had to go to another state for inpatient and residential bc there’s not much here.

My gp actually is looking for some therapists and stuff and she connected me to a RD. So hopefully that works out. I don’t think I’m at risk for relapse I just need some support.

Thank you 💜

* just wanna emphasize again that this is unusual and don’t let my negative experience dissuade you from seeking help

#tw ed recovery #there was definitely much more care when I was inpatient and residential #they said I’d have to make the calls for iop or op if I want to do that #I don’t know how much more I can really do in those programs bc they just aren’t realistic #that’s the problem when you are transfed to places with different levels of care #and all around they just don’t care if you’re not a liability #this has happened before recently at a different place php again #tw ed #I’m from the us and still on my moms health insurance

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whsprings · 10 months

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there are only four people here because everyone left early or had a pass for the holiday and I am going to purge dinner (probably) I already decided

#it would be so embarassing to step back up to res but i dont think my insurance would let that happen #cw// ed #treatment again #php

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genderfluid-and-confuzled · 1 year

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yesterday was... fun. a lot of "if you don't eat by dinner we are going to the ER" and "you were put back on the residential waiting list yesterday. this isn't a threat. anyway, do you think this will motivate you?" so that was all great

#eating disorder cw #saturns adventures in php #ed cw #medical cw #ER ment #saturns adventures in treatment

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bytchysylvy · 1 year

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having a psychotic meltdown, ending up in the er, and getting formal diagnoses for atypical ana, bipolar, and arthritis* and march just got started yEE HAW

#tw ed recovery #''yeah if this appointment was a month ago we'd send you off to residential but rn php is fine''#FINALLY. SOME GOOD FUCKING TREATMENT.#i told you man. i told you they'd send my ass to php

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findingfreedom1122 · 1 year

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2 November 2022

Ya girl's going up to PHP! 😬 Still not entirely sure why. But my team says more support is needed, and IOP is indicated. Shouldn't have said so much about the trauma, maybe. 🤔

I will be in decidedly deep shit if I try to keep up my current schedule with PHP, so I'm in contact with my school and work to see what I can do. But I'm not big chilling right now. Extremely nervous, barely slept last night.

I'm meeting with my therapist tonight. Hope he has some insight. And that he's not mad at me.

- Lucy

#ed recovery #edrecovery #mental health #pro recovery #prorecovery #ana recovery #anarecovery #recovery #ed tmblr #eating disoder recovery #edblr #iop #php

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everlarkpearl · 1 year

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getting ed care gives me severe anxiety lol

#i just left residential treatment for the SECOND time #and now i’m at this php place i’ve never been #and i’m really really anxious #bc i got here 30 mins early #but the thing they sent me said the time i got here #and barely anyone is here for ed #so i’m like feeling really alone #and idk how to talk about it to non ed people #and i’m feeling really triggered #and i don’t get to supplement in this level of care #which makes me an anxious lady #anyway i’m lonely and i wanna die

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best-student-at-eating-school · 2 years

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one thing i’m sad abt being in php is that, bc it’s in a different state than where I live full time, i’m missing out on my fav local punk band’s shows 💔

#php #ed recovery #eating disorder recovery

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kiki-strike · 3 months

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hi would you mind tellin me what ed ward was like? i might have to go there at some point and im scared also sorry if im phrasing it wrong and also also if you're more comfy dming or not answering at all thats fine

Hi yes I can!! And you can dm me if you want or send another ask if you have more questions :)

So there’s two kinds of 24-hour ED care, inpatient and residential. Inpatient is usually inside of a hospital, sometimes integrated with the psych ward (hence “ed ward”). This is where people that aren’t medically stable go (think serious heart conditions, people who flat-out refuse to eat, people who need to be in a locked ward to be safe). I haven’t been to inpatient ed, so I can’t say much on that subject. I do know that you typically stay in inpatient much shorter than residential.

I was in residential for four months. Usually ED treatment takes longer than treatment for depression and such and it’s not uncommon for people to go into residential more than once, but it’s pretty rare for residential to last more than six months. It’s expected that you’ll do a step-down plan which means after you leave res you’ll do a PHP and an IOP (PHP is when you live at home but go to programming during the day, usually 40-60hrs a week with all meals there, and IOP is usually half a day 2-3 times a week).

My res was three houses in a neighborhood (not in a row) and we would all go to the biggest house during the day. There was usually 2-3 group therapy sessions and 2-3 classes (DBT skills, nutrition, etc) per day, every day (inc weekends). We spent the rest of our time doing leisure stuff and eating.

Meals took up a HUGE portion of the day because we got half an hour for each meal, and then there was another half hour for supplements, plus 15 minutes for snacks and 15 minutes for snack supplements, so that amounts to… 4.5 hours every day. The way meals worked was each person got their own plate, to their own needs (some people got tiny amounts bc refeeding, some people got huge amounts bc restoration, etc). You got to choose 3 blacklisted foods that they would never give you, other than that if you didn’t like the food you had to suck it up. I chose spicy food, eggplant, and I think peanut butter? Because being vegetarian didn’t count (though I told them I was vegan instead because I was scared of milk😔). If you didn’t finish your food you got supplemented - 1/2 a sup for eating 3/4 but not finishing, one sup for 1/2-3/4, and two supps for eating less than half. Our supps were Kate Farms unless you had other dietary restrictions; I got switched to ensure clear halfway through because I went on a Kate Farms boycott to get it haha, WORTH IT ensure clear I love you. You had to sit at supps table for the whole half hour or until you finished it (it was a socially-acceptable choice to just sit there for half an hour). If you didn’t drink your sup you lost privileges for the next day, but unless you’d been there for a few months you didn’t actually *have* any, so… privileges were going on our daily 10 minute walk, the weekly strip mall field trip, and if you were VERY LUCKY going to the bathroom with the door closed. During meals there were a lot of blacklisted topics because yknow. Bad Time Let’s Be Nice. If you weren’t eating staff would gently encourage you but wouldn’t be mean about it, and the other patients would too. It’s pretty hard to fake eating there, but not impossible, and definitely impossible to do it without other patients seeing (because we all watched each other eat So Closely and we know all our tricks…) and other patients ratting you out is a definite possibility. You weren’t allowed to leave the table during meals but sometimes it happens. If you didn’t eat for two days they sent you to inpatient (they couldn’t actually force you to eat in res, but in IP they can tube you).

In our free time we all got really close. Everybody had a roommate and we slept in real bedrooms with our own bathrooms (which we could only use at night, they were locked during the day). A lot of us crocheted, there was lots of reading and coloring. We were allowed an hour of screen time, including TV, a day but that was taken away if you were Really Bad (think screaming fit not like “didn’t eat fear food”). If you were still in high school you were expected to do that (online) during free time (which was also a ticket to unlimited computer time during free time lolol, same with AA). The people you go to res to become like a weird version of your family, you’re together for months with ONLY each other doing something very emotionally taxing, so like within the first few days boom you now have 15 new best friends. It’s also very insular in that there are trends? Within your res? I started a rock painting trend, and also pestered staff enough that they finally let us garden (this was just me gardening and everyone else reading in the yard). Everybody listened to top 50 pop even if they hated it, because at res you like it (I’m very attached to billboard pop 2021 still), we all watched every Keanu Reeves movie because it’s funny to say that you have (none of us even liked him that much).

At res everything is funny because everything’s so bad? It’s this sort of delirious sheen that takes over everything, like looking at the world through a soap bubble. That said I was also on the maximum dose of seroquil. Everyone’s super supportive, not like the movies. If they didn’t actually want to recover they didn’t say anything about it.

Staff there consisted of three types: the babysitters (I don’t know their real titles), mostly college girls who babysat us and ran the houses, the therapists/psychiatrists who ran groups and did individual therapy, and the nurses. There was a nurse on staff until 11 every night, because we all had hot girl stomach issues and sometimes hot girl heart problems. They took blood once a week and there was a doctor that saw you once a month or if you complained about something long enough. The babysitters were all really nice though some were less pushover-y than others (let you stay on computer longer etc). They said they did room sweeps once a week but I had contraband they never found. They also said we weren’t allowed to touch each other for more than five seconds at a time (I am the reason that rule exists haha) but like… you have a roommate for a reason!! (I’m not even talking about sex I just mean snuggling ;-;)

In terms of visitors you mostly only got your parents or if you were married your spouse, maaaybe somebody’s friends came once? But not common. You’re not allowed alone time with your visitors (like prison!) and anything they give you has to be searched by staff (same as stuff you order online or buy on the strip mall field trips). A lot of rules are very very strict because people with eating disorders are masters at worming their way out of things which sucks but makes sense.

There were some unsavory things that happened to me there that I’d like not to talk about here, just know that when you go, it’s very possible for staff to lie to your parents/caretakers to the point that they don’t believe you. It is very hard to leave once you check yourself in, and if you do leave before they let you, that’s called AMA and your insurance won’t pay for the part of your stay you did already (which for me was $2k a day. For four months). Once you go there you’ve basically handed over your rights indefinitely to the program in exchange for learning how to eat good and not die. Which is better than dying but not amazing either, but that’s the way it is.

Some other unintended side effects:

1. If you were scared of blood draws before you went in you won’t be when you come out.

2. You’ll be able to pee anywhere no more pee shyness. Along those lines we had to describe our shit every morning to the nurse in earshot of everybody? So you won’t be embarrassed about that any more.

3. You might forget to close the bathroom door the first few months you’re home.

4. You’ll become very attached to some foods in res and then when you get out can never eat those foods again. For me that’s biscoff cookie butter.

5. You’ll be WAY less on your phone. You’ll know how to sit and wait instead of going on your phone immediately for entertainment.

All in all I’d say you get more freedom than the locked ward and less freedom than rehab, but stay longer than both of them combined. Fellow patients are awesome, staff is a mostly positive mixed bag, and activities are dismal (eating).

I wish you so much luck in recovery. You can do this! Every meal is a new beginning. I believe in you!

A funny for you for making it this far:

#ALSO I didn’t want to put this in the main body bc it’s a lil dreary but if you relapse that is SO OKAY that doesn’t mean you should lose y #your support network or are a bad person or not trying hard enough. everyone relapses. that’s okay. the important part is that you keep goi #going and don’t give up!#BEST OF LUCK!!! you’ll be in my prayers!!!#Ed tw #psych ward tw

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