#ed iop

[whsprings]

idk how to explain this exactly and my dietitian didn't get it when I tried to tell her about it but I am convinced on some level that if I didn't have people telling me what my weight is supposed to be and how I am supposed to be eating and what I am supposed to believe that I wouldn't do or want or think any of it and I would be happy without them. basically im convinced that treatment ruined my life by rewiring my brain to make things worse and set a goal of happiness and prosperity that is unachievable for me and if I had never gone then I would have been fine and thin and okay and not miserable at all. why do I believe this? because I lived with my ed for 7 years and it didn't get bad enough to warrant treatment until it did and I was happier and more successful academically and I had friends and a life and I didn't wake up every morning wishing things were different. I don't know if this makes a lick of sense but god!! I am so tired

#cw// ed #iop again for fucks sake

[genderfluid-and-confuzled]

small win to you all or whatever but i had twizzlers today

#opposite action or whatever #saturns adventures in iop #ed cw #saturns adventures in treatment

[bytchysylvy]

anorexia such a bitch illness to have, grown man saying "that thing. it scares me" and you look and its a banana

#tw ed recovery #tw i bully myself for a disorder i didnt choose to have but tbh it get me to eat so whatever works i guess #i got told the other day that i might need to go back to iop. im cranky #apologies if i get weird for the next week or two

[findingfreedom1122]

17 October 2022

I saw my doctor today. He was gonna diagnose me with anorexia, but I mentioned the weight criterion (I'm not underweight right now). He said good point, and diagnosed me with ARFID. AN's closer, but I really don't care at this point.

Okay, I slightly care, but therapist and I will discuss that next session. Being healthy is worth more than any diagnosis.

Also got a lot of medicals done (wassup, EKG and bloodwork). I'm hoping they're stable enough that I can get the help I want.

- Lucy

#eating disoder recovery #ed recovery #edrecovery #mental health #pro recovery #prorecovery #ana recovery #anarecovery #recovery #ed tmblr #edblr #ed tumblr #an #arfid #iop #php

[moldgarden]

Day 1

No increase, thank goodness. We were all surprised with the small loss in my weight this week, but I’m so grateful they didn’t increase my plan because I’m STRUGGLING with this one.

Therapy with the new to me therapist went okay overall. But she’s hardcore convinced my body weight is too low. She doesn’t think I’m cognitively “all there” when she also commented how much better I seem this session. Also, I am fully here. Present. Logical. Struggling, some. But capable of making good decisions and being included in conversations. I’m not a child.

I let it slip that Ive needed my eating disorder for so long and so I’m not convinced I still don’t need it. But the goal is to figure out how not to need it. Well, she had me try and “prove” I needed it on the spot and I always get flustered and can’t think when an immediate answer is expected.. And to some degree, no, I don’t need it. Of course I don’t. But it’s more nuanced than that. She’s talked with me for a total of 1 hour and 15 minutes and knows nothing about myself or my life. She’s just getting way ahead of where I’m at.

So my journal currently begs the question of why I feel I need it, and I’m thinking it through. Because I’m sick of it and would be done with it by now if it didn’t serve a purpose.

Overall, I think this team doubts me. And that’s okay, I guess. It’s shitty, but it is what it is. I just don’t know if I want to “prove” them right or wrong. I want to do this for me and my values. Not because four people of the 7 billion on the planet think this and going inpatient is my only way to heal.

…

Anyway, therapy was fine, yoga was great, and then my RD session was okay. She said we’ll probably look at an increase next week which will only make sense in my head if I maintain/lose because otherwise why would we? I’m open to it but closed to the idea that I need to gain XX lbs. They’ve all at some point agreed it was set too high, so idk why that’s now the only number they’ll accept.

…

IOP was okay. I felt really awful trying to decide on a meal and then sitting with people I know and people I don’t know and pretending I’m fine because if you don’t finish your meal you’re instantly kicked out of IOP and I don’t want to go inpatient. Anyway I finished the meal (ya woo go me…😥 or whatever) but I am so incredibly full and I can’t seem to reason with myself.

…

After programming I got groceries. I spent way too much even though I’m positive all things will be used well/fully. But ideally I won’t need to shop more this week because I’ve got what I need? I probably spent the same amount on weeks I haven’t fully budgeted and meal planned for. I think it’s just gonna take some time to get back into the swing of things.

Trying to will myself into a snack. A grain, a fruit and 2 fat sources. Apple, graham crackers and pb. Or something like it. Simple.

But oh so not easy.

#Tw ed #iop #iop day 1 #Ed #tw eating disorder

[pansyperrish]

finally got batteries for my new scale but im terrified to see where im at

edit; ughhhh im down a few but still p fuckin high up there. I mean this is after drinking a bunch of water and eating so I’ll try again tomorrow

#tw ed diary #I’ve been in php and IOP programs so no restricting and I feel like I gained so much #I’ve been running and keeping cals low since Friday but i know that wouldn’t be enough to see progress and waaaaaaaaugh

[iwatcheditbegin]

That sounds so bad that they didn't arrange aftercare for you!! I don't know which country you're in, but can't you call that inpatient treatment team back to ask for outpatient care? In my country it would be their responsibillity to arrange care, but I'm not sure how it's in your area. Or maybe your gp knows what therapists are specialized in ed and take new clients? Anyway, it sounds bad. Especially if you don't have the support from your family (I went no contact with my family years ago, so I know it can be lonely even when you're still in contact). I hope you find the support, therapy and care you need. :( And I hope you won't relapse, but please know that we're here for you i you need to talk or vent etc. We never interacted before, but feel free to reach out 💕

TW: Ed. Yeah it was really unusual and irresponsible. There was even aftercare coordinators but they didn’t do much, even told me I’d have to make the calls myself if I was interested in IOP or outpatient. and they still went along with the discharge knowing I had no support. But It was php ( intensive outpatient) and I think that’s why they were so nonchalant, bc it was already a lower level of care. I was no longer a liability bc I had weight restored in res yk. Similar things have happened to me twice before at this phase in recovery. They absolutely didn’t do this when I was inpatient and residential - you’re not discharged until there is a solid plan.

This is largely due to lack of options in my state, I had to go to another state for inpatient and residential bc there’s not much here.

My gp actually is looking for some therapists and stuff and she connected me to a RD. So hopefully that works out. I don’t think I’m at risk for relapse I just need some support.

Thank you 💜

* just wanna emphasize again that this is unusual and don’t let my negative experience dissuade you from seeking help

#tw ed recovery #there was definitely much more care when I was inpatient and residential #they said I’d have to make the calls for iop or op if I want to do that #I don’t know how much more I can really do in those programs bc they just aren’t realistic #that’s the problem when you are transfed to places with different levels of care #and all around they just don’t care if you’re not a liability #this has happened before recently at a different place php again #tw ed #I’m from the us and still on my moms health insurance

[muppetskokomo]

checked my weight because something felt off and yeah im at the weight i was when i was 18 and probably developed this eating disorder stress response whatever and my mom told me she was proud of me for not eating except for two salads every few days

#tw ed #at least my assessment for iop is tomorrow #im so much bonier even though im still fat #i just find myself rubbing the bony areas throughout the day because im just so upset i cant believe theyre there now

[jinglejanglemornings]

emailed the therapist who i used to see in 2020-summer of 2021 to ask about maybe working together again and i have been obsessively checking my email for the past two days... please get back to me even if it's to say no i can't take the suspense

#i did kinda ghost her. like i missed a session with her right before i got hospitalized #and then just never responded when she tried to contact me #so i would get if she's like. this girl is flaky i can't do this again #or if she's just not accepting new patients #but she's lowkey one of the best therapists i've ever had i just... was not open to therapy and was not making progress with her #and i was just very very bitter at that time in my life #which i still kinda am. #but she was kinda woo woo which at the time i didn't always love #but it was also refreshing. and the therapist i just ended with was super by-the-book #'ERP is the only real treatment that works and you haven't gotten better because you've never really tried ERP' #and eventually i just got so sick of that. i was like i do not feel capable of doing ERP with ED stuff and he was like well too bad. can't #help you then #but tbh i need more support right now. i have my dietician who's great and my doctor who i can't get in to see #i just need more help it's going so bad #but i cannot do the whole thing of meeting a new therapist trying to trust them again. trusting mh professionals is uh. i can't do it. #and she already knows i'm gay which is important bc it's like. it's a problem for me. and i can't come out to anyone again right now #and we're really trying to avoid going back to monte nido bc if i have to do virtual PHP/IOP i will kill myself #and if i have to go back to res.... i like to think i'm not at that point yet but i may be and it will be a WHOLE thing #and i actually have a jewish life now and it's a huge motivation for me to recover but if i have to be IP/res then #i won't be able to do that. #plus they make you eat all kinds of weird things. you only get three exceptions how am i supposed to work with only 3 exceptions #i would end up having to eat oranges #and bananas #sigh #is it obvious that i'm kinda spinning out a little.

[whsprings]

lmao I was just informed that I am, in fact, not technically graduating iop, but am, in fact, being "discharged"

#cw// ed #this feels really good btw #iop again for fucks sake #and by really good i mean i want to kms because everything seems pointless

[genderfluid-and-confuzled]

back at my mom's house which is good!

(ed stuff in tags)

#my dad literally made sure i ate one (1) time in the last 24 hours #he keeps forgetting meals/snacks exist/to make sure i have them #and so ive been having a tiiiiiiiiiny little backslide #:/ #but this will be good #surely my relapse will be cured by not being at his house JKHFJKDHF #ed cw #eating disorders cw #saturns adventures in iop #saturns adventures in treatment

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for making my mom cry (in the hopes of continuing a years (?) long lie)

starting off: BIG SHINY ED TW

Context/Background:

• I’ve had an ED (OSFED) since I was 14

• I went to treatment (forced) as a teen. I hold zero anger over this by now and understand why my parents did it. I would have done the same.

• Both times I coasted until discharge, at which point I went back to ED behaviors, just more secretively.

• I’m now 22(F), living w my parents

—

The Lead Up to The Predicament:

• Relapsed age 21, and kept it secret

• My mother eventually noticed, and recommended treatment; I agreed, & got taken into IOP

• I’m still on my parents’ very good insurance, so treatment was covered pretty much entirely

• I did treatment with the same strategy I’ve used before: coasting until discharge, then keeping it secret. I have no intention of ever pursuing actual recovery, and do not believe it is possible. I don’t want to get rid of this problem, but I want it to be my problem only.

• Unfortunately, this means I essentially have to lie to everyone, because they won’t discharge you if you say “I’m doing this purely so I won’t run myself into the ground, and so my mom will leave me alone”. So I lied my ass off.

• I’m continuing to lie to my nutritionist, who recently approved me for “as-needed” appointments, and I kept putting off finding a therapist until my mom forgot and stopped asking about it, because I just don’t have the energy to continually lie to a therapist, and conversely, I don’t want to actually, honestly talk to a therapist.

—

The Predicament:

• Bill for $600 (part not covered by insurance) came from the treatment center

• Mom offered to pay it; I said no, I’ll pay for it

• Did this because I could not live with the guilt of my mom paying for treatment that she thinks actually put me on a path towards health, that I secretly used to lull her into a false sense of security

• She insists, and I insist back

• I pay it that night

• She finds out I paid it and breaks down crying because she thinks I did it because I assumed she couldn’t afford it and now she thinks she has failed me because I don’t think I can rely on my mother

• I try to explain that I’m an adult and it was my issue and my treatment and that I work full time and should be expected to pay my own medical copays

• This makes her feel worse and she expresses that my trying to pay my own way has been a pattern since I first got a job at 14, and that she should’ve asserted herself as a financial caregiver when she had the chance

• I freeze, because I don’t know how to explain what I really mean without admitting that I lied for months in an attempt to get people to stop worrying about an admittedly possibly-fatal illness

• I let her continue to cry

—

AITA FOR: Not explaining and just… letting her believe that?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole #eating disorder cw

[heavyweightheart]

btw the alternative to all this mishegas in institutional treatment is peer recovery community. a brief history of my own recovery is: no mental health parity laws a decade ago when i needed residential tx, so i found what help i could and that was a committed, fat-positive, food-positive community that used the “minniemaud” method which adapted the maudsley method (now fbt) for adults. it was peer community that saved my life. within a year in that recovery community i’d outgrown my outpatient clinicians (who were excellent for the time) in ED competence. then several years later after insurers were legally required to cover ED tx, i did iop in a treatment center and i was horrified by how incompetent with EDs they were, how fatphobic they were, how infantilizing they were, and all the rest. 

this, along w the fact that i’m an anarchist, is why even tho i have to make a living as a professional, my heart will always and only belong to peer work. i’ve made many failed attempts here to get people to take me up on the offer to coach them on building recovery community and even tho i’m busy and also a lil bit dying (casual aside!) that offer is always on the table

[findingfreedom1122]

2 November 2022

Ya girl's going up to PHP! 😬 Still not entirely sure why. But my team says more support is needed, and IOP is indicated. Shouldn't have said so much about the trauma, maybe. 🤔

I will be in decidedly deep shit if I try to keep up my current schedule with PHP, so I'm in contact with my school and work to see what I can do. But I'm not big chilling right now. Extremely nervous, barely slept last night.

I'm meeting with my therapist tonight. Hope he has some insight. And that he's not mad at me.

- Lucy

#ed recovery #edrecovery #mental health #pro recovery #prorecovery #ana recovery #anarecovery #recovery #ed tmblr #eating disoder recovery #edblr #iop #php

[kiki-strike]

hi would you mind tellin me what ed ward was like? i might have to go there at some point and im scared also sorry if im phrasing it wrong and also also if you're more comfy dming or not answering at all thats fine

Hi yes I can!! And you can dm me if you want or send another ask if you have more questions :)

So there’s two kinds of 24-hour ED care, inpatient and residential. Inpatient is usually inside of a hospital, sometimes integrated with the psych ward (hence “ed ward”). This is where people that aren’t medically stable go (think serious heart conditions, people who flat-out refuse to eat, people who need to be in a locked ward to be safe). I haven’t been to inpatient ed, so I can’t say much on that subject. I do know that you typically stay in inpatient much shorter than residential.

I was in residential for four months. Usually ED treatment takes longer than treatment for depression and such and it’s not uncommon for people to go into residential more than once, but it’s pretty rare for residential to last more than six months. It’s expected that you’ll do a step-down plan which means after you leave res you’ll do a PHP and an IOP (PHP is when you live at home but go to programming during the day, usually 40-60hrs a week with all meals there, and IOP is usually half a day 2-3 times a week).

My res was three houses in a neighborhood (not in a row) and we would all go to the biggest house during the day. There was usually 2-3 group therapy sessions and 2-3 classes (DBT skills, nutrition, etc) per day, every day (inc weekends). We spent the rest of our time doing leisure stuff and eating.

Meals took up a HUGE portion of the day because we got half an hour for each meal, and then there was another half hour for supplements, plus 15 minutes for snacks and 15 minutes for snack supplements, so that amounts to… 4.5 hours every day. The way meals worked was each person got their own plate, to their own needs (some people got tiny amounts bc refeeding, some people got huge amounts bc restoration, etc). You got to choose 3 blacklisted foods that they would never give you, other than that if you didn’t like the food you had to suck it up. I chose spicy food, eggplant, and I think peanut butter? Because being vegetarian didn’t count (though I told them I was vegan instead because I was scared of milk😔). If you didn’t finish your food you got supplemented - 1/2 a sup for eating 3/4 but not finishing, one sup for 1/2-3/4, and two supps for eating less than half. Our supps were Kate Farms unless you had other dietary restrictions; I got switched to ensure clear halfway through because I went on a Kate Farms boycott to get it haha, WORTH IT ensure clear I love you. You had to sit at supps table for the whole half hour or until you finished it (it was a socially-acceptable choice to just sit there for half an hour). If you didn’t drink your sup you lost privileges for the next day, but unless you’d been there for a few months you didn’t actually *have* any, so… privileges were going on our daily 10 minute walk, the weekly strip mall field trip, and if you were VERY LUCKY going to the bathroom with the door closed. During meals there were a lot of blacklisted topics because yknow. Bad Time Let’s Be Nice. If you weren’t eating staff would gently encourage you but wouldn’t be mean about it, and the other patients would too. It’s pretty hard to fake eating there, but not impossible, and definitely impossible to do it without other patients seeing (because we all watched each other eat So Closely and we know all our tricks…) and other patients ratting you out is a definite possibility. You weren’t allowed to leave the table during meals but sometimes it happens. If you didn’t eat for two days they sent you to inpatient (they couldn’t actually force you to eat in res, but in IP they can tube you).

In our free time we all got really close. Everybody had a roommate and we slept in real bedrooms with our own bathrooms (which we could only use at night, they were locked during the day). A lot of us crocheted, there was lots of reading and coloring. We were allowed an hour of screen time, including TV, a day but that was taken away if you were Really Bad (think screaming fit not like “didn’t eat fear food”). If you were still in high school you were expected to do that (online) during free time (which was also a ticket to unlimited computer time during free time lolol, same with AA). The people you go to res to become like a weird version of your family, you’re together for months with ONLY each other doing something very emotionally taxing, so like within the first few days boom you now have 15 new best friends. It’s also very insular in that there are trends? Within your res? I started a rock painting trend, and also pestered staff enough that they finally let us garden (this was just me gardening and everyone else reading in the yard). Everybody listened to top 50 pop even if they hated it, because at res you like it (I’m very attached to billboard pop 2021 still), we all watched every Keanu Reeves movie because it’s funny to say that you have (none of us even liked him that much).

At res everything is funny because everything’s so bad? It’s this sort of delirious sheen that takes over everything, like looking at the world through a soap bubble. That said I was also on the maximum dose of seroquil. Everyone’s super supportive, not like the movies. If they didn’t actually want to recover they didn’t say anything about it.

Staff there consisted of three types: the babysitters (I don’t know their real titles), mostly college girls who babysat us and ran the houses, the therapists/psychiatrists who ran groups and did individual therapy, and the nurses. There was a nurse on staff until 11 every night, because we all had hot girl stomach issues and sometimes hot girl heart problems. They took blood once a week and there was a doctor that saw you once a month or if you complained about something long enough. The babysitters were all really nice though some were less pushover-y than others (let you stay on computer longer etc). They said they did room sweeps once a week but I had contraband they never found. They also said we weren’t allowed to touch each other for more than five seconds at a time (I am the reason that rule exists haha) but like… you have a roommate for a reason!! (I’m not even talking about sex I just mean snuggling ;-;)

In terms of visitors you mostly only got your parents or if you were married your spouse, maaaybe somebody’s friends came once? But not common. You’re not allowed alone time with your visitors (like prison!) and anything they give you has to be searched by staff (same as stuff you order online or buy on the strip mall field trips). A lot of rules are very very strict because people with eating disorders are masters at worming their way out of things which sucks but makes sense.

There were some unsavory things that happened to me there that I’d like not to talk about here, just know that when you go, it’s very possible for staff to lie to your parents/caretakers to the point that they don’t believe you. It is very hard to leave once you check yourself in, and if you do leave before they let you, that’s called AMA and your insurance won’t pay for the part of your stay you did already (which for me was $2k a day. For four months). Once you go there you’ve basically handed over your rights indefinitely to the program in exchange for learning how to eat good and not die. Which is better than dying but not amazing either, but that’s the way it is.

Some other unintended side effects:

1. If you were scared of blood draws before you went in you won’t be when you come out.

2. You’ll be able to pee anywhere no more pee shyness. Along those lines we had to describe our shit every morning to the nurse in earshot of everybody? So you won’t be embarrassed about that any more.

3. You might forget to close the bathroom door the first few months you’re home.

4. You’ll become very attached to some foods in res and then when you get out can never eat those foods again. For me that’s biscoff cookie butter.

5. You’ll be WAY less on your phone. You’ll know how to sit and wait instead of going on your phone immediately for entertainment.

All in all I’d say you get more freedom than the locked ward and less freedom than rehab, but stay longer than both of them combined. Fellow patients are awesome, staff is a mostly positive mixed bag, and activities are dismal (eating).

I wish you so much luck in recovery. You can do this! Every meal is a new beginning. I believe in you!

A funny for you for making it this far:

#ALSO I didn’t want to put this in the main body bc it’s a lil dreary but if you relapse that is SO OKAY that doesn’t mean you should lose y #your support network or are a bad person or not trying hard enough. everyone relapses. that’s okay. the important part is that you keep goi #going and don’t give up! #BEST OF LUCK!!! you’ll be in my prayers!!! #Ed tw #psych ward tw

[bytchysylvy]

ART VS ARTIST 2023 + yet another reflection

tw ed recovery

I dont know when I developed an eating disorder since it feels like its always been there, having off and on symptoms in childhood and in my teen years, but it wasnt until about 2017 where I started engaging in complete restriction. For years I've dealt with health problems that my doctors could never figure out the cause of, never looking into my eating habits (in fairness, I wouldn't have been honest at the time). I pseudo-recovered in 2020, where suddenly so many of my problems vanished nearly overnight. But then relapsed very hard in 2022, I spent the next few months basically being dead let alone making art. By january I could barely stand yet was told "we dont have to do anything about it". In feburary after failing to find treatment I decided to recover on my own and gave myself refeeding syndrome, avoiding hospitalization by accidentally misleading the er about the treatment I was receiving (which was none). In march my therapist reached out to an eating disorder clinic and by april I was in treatment. From then until the end of october has been a mix of php and iop treatment, having to take residency in seattle for awhile at one point. I've gone down to regular outpatient, things have gotten rocky again but at least I'm not where I was a year ago and will never be back at square one again.

I was really reluctant to do one of these art vs artist things despite wanting to for awhile now since I gained 50% of my initial body weight since the start of the year and have never been so self conscious about my appearance; I had to change my entire wardrobe, hurts man. But rehimboification gave me my ability to make art back and ive since made too many bangers to pick my top eight from. I did four sets of the cast, 30+ pages of comics, and returned to animation. ACT 1 is in its last third of work, ACT 2 is about a third done. I've picked up sewing (you can see the flag i made in the background) and plan to garden once its the season to do so. Im in an infinitely healthier place now both physically and mentally. My only regret is not getting help sooner and hurting myself this badly in the first place.

I'm thankful for what this year has given me back, but with being in therapy 12-30 hours a week while being in and out of work, I'm tired. I'm glad that this year of my life is over.

#please clap. #art vs artist #art vs artist 2023 #ed recovery #i dont think i've told the whole story about whats happened this year so :/