#due in real life or hurt myself or die for real i just. i’m so psychotic and mental and i just want it over with. i hate it here LOL

[aconflagrationofmyown]

You know I hate to ask cause I know it will only hurt me but...how long are you envisioning Elvis living in each story? Captain? Sarge? Big Daddy? I know he is getting happier endings but I'm concerned about the end cause sadly that's the way his story is.

Also I want Gigi to devour Big Daddy and make him so love struck he can't stand it. 😍

I AM SO GLAD SOMEONE ASKED.

First off let me say even for fics where it’s either never mentioned or has yet to be established, they’re all true fix its, ok? So, don’t sweat either way.

But more specifically let’s just gab about the AU’s as I’ve figured them out so far.

A Whole Man -the most concerning perhaps? but at the same time it’s set in his life around the real time of ‘69-70 so, healthwise he’s not awful but I’ve given him shit 1800’s issues and a hell of a lot of work, so, bad news. Also a criminal record with a hanging offense. Oops. But, I have this one universe entirely planned and let me tell you the whole story only spans a whole year at most. And then if y’all like, I’ll keep writing either one shots of the future (that suggests he lives, eh?) or flashbacks digging deeper into any back stories yall want explored.

Sarge: I refuse to date when Elvis or Elaine pass away in this one, I can’t emotionally take it and I want them going out together. He nearly dies many times through the 70’s, that stays in the story but he makes a recovery due to many circumstances jolting the man -Angel of a wife or eight kids aside, only Elvis can save Elvis. The more I plan the second generation and grandbabies the more I find myself assuming he’s there for events in the late 90’s at least. Which surprises me, as I still see him as destined to be die young no matter what. But it seems I’m to softhearted for it. Sixty something is still young, I suppose…😣

Gigi: undecided but we shall be buying far far far more time, and when he’s gone? There’s a sensitive young man named Austin who comes knocking on Graceland’s door to see the home of the man he is about to portray and ask his younger widow about him. Is it possible for two people to love a man together who’s been gone for little while now? They don’t know, but they manage it all the same, and somehow, it’s a little less lonely together…

I really love these types of questions, sometimes I’m more than happy to explain my vision I just don’t wanna spoil unless y’all ask. 💋

#Gigi asks #elvis fanfiction #elvis presley #sarge asks #a whole man asks #elvis fanfic #elvis imagine

[cutetehe]

Mc sacrifices themselves for the others to live, how do the brothers react?

(He/him pronouns)

I’m gonna give a little story so it sorta makes sense

(If you don’t know Micheal he’s the leader in celestia)

Mc and the brothers were taken to celestia for some reason, Mc had no idea why they were visiting celestia but didn’t complain.

Mc and the brothers were taken to Micheal and Micheal greets them all before making an announcement

“I brought you all here so Mc could make a choice, a choice that decides to either save himself and leave the others to die or face death so you can live on”

Mc looks at Micheal, Mc was in shock as long with the brothers. Lucifer tried reasoning with Micheal but was interrupted by more people running into the building, it was the royals and the Purgatory Hall characters

Mc reaches towards them before getting teleported alone with Micheal

“Well?, what will you choose?” Micheal whispers in Mc ear to seem more intimidating and honestly it sorta was

Mc was silent , they didn’t know what to say

After a couple of minutes pass Mc speaks up

“I want to sacrifice myself”

Micheal smiles and hugs Mc and thanks him for taking care of the brothers, Simeon and Luke

Mc just cries into Micheal chest and hugs him tighter, Mc doesn’t want to die but he also doesn’t want the brothers to die

“I… I don’t want to die but I need to protect them… please make it quick” Mc cried into Micheal chest, he felt so pathetic and weak but in this moment he was

Micheal comes back without Mc and the demons brothers think of the worst

“Mc sacrificed themselves for you, he truly loved you all” Micheal smiled pityingly

Lucifer

This can’t be real

It just can’t

Everything was just fine ten minutes ago and now he’s fucking dead

oh my god he’s dead

Lucifer covers his mouth in shock and looks down in shame

Lucifer should’ve protected you better

He should’ve cherished you more

Lucifer doesn’t know if he wants to attack Micheal or just leave

Lucifer gets set off when Micheal tells him Mc last words

Lucifer just wants to wake up and see mc again

Lucifer stops attacking when he realize all his brothers are crying and just breaks down

He hates crying in front of people

He thinks about all the good and bad times he had with mc

Lucifer falls to the ground on his knees and weeps

Lucifer feels somebody hugging him

It’s mammon and mammon mourns with Lucifer

Lucifer would do anything for him to swap places and to die instead

Mc hasn’t even been dead for ten minutes and yet he already misses him, pathetic isn’t it?

Mammon

Was the closest to your hand and now feels like it’s his fault you’re dead

He was begging for Diavolo or Micheal to bring back mc but nothing works

Mammon was crying before Micheal revealed mc dead

Cursing out himself in his head

He was really hard on himself

He started cursing out Micheal while his voice will crack due to his crying

Micheal pats Mammon head and Mammon just cries harder

Mammon tried bargaining with Micheal, Mammon tried everything to get his beloved Mc back but nothing worked

I’m desperation he asks for him to die in exchange for Mc to come back to life

Micheal interest was peeked but he didn’t wanna bother unkilling mc

Mammon punches the ground in anger and makes the floor crack

Micheal scolds Mammon

Mammon doesn’t listen though cause he’s to focus onto bringing mc back

Mammon remembers all the great times they had together and starts crying even harder

Mammon punches Micheal whole Micheal was scolding Mammon

Mammon wanted to at least hurt him for taking the one person he loved

He knew he could’t kill him

But hurting him will bring him peace

Leviathan

Felt like something was off when walking into the building but now he wished he would mc how he felt

Maybe if he told them they would’t have even came here

Leviathan didn’t want to believe Mc is dead

Almost summons lotan when Micheal came back without mc

Leviathan ran out the building

He didn’t want to hear and speak to Micheal again

He didn’t even want to see him

Leviathan didn’t just stop running when he got out of the building he kept running

He didn’t know where he was going but he didn’t care

He hopes to never wake up or hope this whole thing is just a nightmare

anywhere is better then Mc killer

After ten minutes Leviathan sits under a tree out of tiredness

He felt so drowsy cause of the crying

He fell asleep under the tree

Satan

Took the news as motive

Motive to kill Micheal

But due to him crying and his vision being blurred he lost

Satan didn’t want to stop attacking

Especially after he told him Mc last words

He also covered his mouth in disbelief when Micheal said Mc was dead

Satan knew Mc would sacrifice themselves

Satan wished Mc wasn’t so selfless

Before they came to celestia Mc was nervous and Satan promised to protect them

He was stupid to give them false hope

Satan tries his best to not cry but does

Mc was amazing, able to help him and Lucifer bond, doing anything to protect the brothers

Mc didn’t deserve to die, they were a kind soul with a firey passion, he should’ve been able to live long enough to have a family

Satan tries his best to stay together but just ends up choking on his tears

He felt so pathetic

He gripped onto his own hair in anger

Asmo

Frozen in place

Doesn’t even breath

Doesn’t believe Micheal

Asmo cries, ruining his makeup

Would do anything to get mc back

Mc gave Asmo his jacket before coming

And now asmo crying into the jacket

Asmo wants to fight Micheal

Will do anything to get you back like the others

Also tries to bargain with Micheal and Diavolo

but neither of them can do anything

Asmo cries with Satan

Asmo loved you and you loved him for how he was and not just cause he was good looking

And now you’re gone

He cries so much he is light headed

Asmo would try to get his followers to turn against Micheal

He was pretty popular in Celestia so this should work right?

He doesn’t go through with it

He doesn’t know why

Asmo would probably wear the jacket all the time

He felt bad that he could’t protect you

He isn’t strong like beel, if he was stronger maybe you’d be alive

Asmo truly thinks that if he was strong that mc would still be alive

Beel

It’s like watching his sister die all over again when he heard the news

Beel is shaking

He wanted to see Mc again

Beel also tries to bargains with Diavolo and Micheal

He was more persistent then asmo or Lucifer

Beel cries when Micheal tells him it’s impossible to bring Mc back

Beel doesn’t want to hurt Micheal

But at that moment

He wanted to punch him

He didn’t but he was one motive away from doing it

belphie tries to comfort Beel

But belphie needed just as much comfort as Beel to be able to comfort someone

belphie just pats Beel shoulder

Beel hugs belphie

He wished he was closer to you so he could’ve saved you

If he was closer he would’ve been able to save them

Beel blames himself

belphie

(sorry this one super short☹️)

This was one of the only times he was wide awake

He wants to fight michel

But he doesn’t

He has to comfort his brother and himself

Tried his best to not cry but does after seeing Beel cry

belphie wants to go back home and hug mc

But now he can’t

Why did it have to be Mc? Mc was always so nice and amazing they were the killed

They don’t deserve this

He cussed out Micheal

Masterlist

Royals characters version

Angel version + solomon

#obey me x male mc #obey me headcanons #mammon x male mc #lucifer x male mc #belphie x male mc #beel x male mc #asmodeous x male mc #Satan x male mc #obey me x male reader #obey me Lucifer x male mc #obey me mammon x male mc #obey me Satan x male mc #obey me leviathan x male mc #Spotify

[youknowwhoiamassbutt]

Shanks and Buggy give off sad girl vibes

There are two songs with very similar vibes (sad girl vibes) that I think summarize the differences between Buggy and Shanks’s perspectives on themselves and their relationship really well.  

The song that I think very accurately (don’t worry, we’re about to get into it) encapsulates Buggy’s perspective is Intrusive Thoughts by Natalie Jane.  The song that I think encapsulates Shanks’s perspective really well is Locksmith by Sadie Jean.

Now to get into it:

Let’s do Buggy first since his song was the first one I knew.  Intrusive Thoughts is inwardly focused, focused on the artist’s perspective about themself instead of the relationship.  Buggy is a very inwardly focused individual, he doesn’t think about other people’s perspectives or experiences, he is completely focused on what he wants and how he feels.  This is why he’s never been able to reflect on how he hurt Shanks and only how Shanks hurt him.  How SHANKS betrayed HIM, and never how HE betrayed SHANKS.  

The song reflects on the artist’s fears of never finding love, or, more importantly, having love and messing up due to insecurity.  This is exactly what Buggy did, and I think he fears that he’ll never get past that mistake and, put in the same circumstance, would make it again.  

The song reflects on the artist’s fears of dying before getting to express their true feelings, dying before self-actualization, something I think Buggy fears but is too afraid to actually confront.  I think Buggy has always hoped that he and Shanks would reunite, that by the end of their lives, they’d be together again, but he’s too full of pride and anger to make that decision.  

The song also discusses the fear that love isn’t something the artist can achieve successfully, another thing I think Buggy fears.  He avoids love because he doesn’t think he can do it without messing it up or getting hurt, or messing it up so that he won’t get hurt.  

The song talks about craving love, but hiding it, something Buggy desperately craves but pretends he wants nothing to do with.

Here are the lyrics, feel free to skip:

I’m historically heartbroken,

Drowning in my own emotions,

One minute away from breaking down.

I’m always leaving emptyhanded,

No one wants a heart that’s damaged,

Only know a love that lets me down.

Staring contest with the walls,

I’m giving in to my intrusive thoughts.

What if I never find anybody to love?

Or I finally get the chance and I fuck it all up?

Cause I can’t get hurt if I’m the first one to leave.

What if I get to heaven and it’s not even real?

And I die before telling you how I really feel?

Cause it feels like hell and I just can’t help but think,

That maybe love’s not for me?

If you don’t look too closely,

You can’t even tell I’m lonely,

Even though it keeps me up at night.

I try to keep myself distracted,

But I’ve got all these awful habits,

Of listening to voices in my mind.

Staring contest with the walls,

I’m giving in to my intrusive thoughts.

What if I never find anybody to love?

Or I finally get the chance and I fuck it all up?

Cause I can’t get hurt if I’m the first one to leave.

What if I get to heaven and it’s not even real?

And I die before telling you how I really feel?

Cause it feels like hell and I just can’t help but think,

Maybe love’s not for me?

Now let's move on to shanks: 

Locksmith is focused on the relationship, yes it is from the perspective of the artist, but it is focusing on the relationship as a whole rather than the exclusive experience of the artist.  Shanks is pretty good at taking in others’ perspectives and seeing other people’s experiences, I mean, he has to with the empathy powers of Observation Haki.  While he did mope around for a while and let himself feel his individual pain over the relationship ending, he had enough perspective to understand that if this was what Buggy needed, he had to respect that and let Buggy move on.

The song discusses the need to move on with life and move past the past with a sad reminiscence, but an openness for the future, something Shanks did very well.  Shanks let himself move on, let himself discover his own path while still orchestrating his father figure’s legacy from the background.  He has bittersweet feelings for the past, he appreciates his time with Buggy but is sad that it’s a time long gone, but he still has love in his heart and a willingness to invite Buggy back into his life if given the chance.

The song talks about how the relationship was so far in the past, but the artist’s feelings remain the same, and this is perfectly Shanks.  No matter how long it’s been since he’s seen or heard from Buggy, his love will never change or fade, Buggy is a part of him and he always will be.

The song is a promise of eternal love, a promise that no one will ever hold the space in the artist’s heart that that person held, there’s no further explanation needed, this is just Shanks, Mr. eternal puppy dog love.  

The song speaks about premature love, the participants were too young when they embarked on their romance but hopefully in the future they will be in the right place for each other.  Shanks and Buggy were too young, they made promises they couldn’t keep, they were changing too fast.  They had different paths to go down and didn’t understand what that meant.  It was a classic “right one at the wrong time”.  Shanks has always hoped that if he waits long enough, they’ll finally be in the right time, they will have found themselves enough to come back together and be right for each other.  

The song talks fondly of the separation providing room for exploration, and how that exploration allowed for a deeper appreciation for that original love, and talks about reserving love.  I mean, I know a lot of people have a different opinion about Mihawk, but personally, I can’t see Shanks’s relationship with that man being anything but sexual.  I don’t think he has romantic room in his heart for anyone other than Buggy, but that’s not for lack of trying.  

Just like the song, Shanks respects Buggy’s request for space, that’s why he never reached out, but he has a want for Buggy to reach out.

Here are the lyrics:

This is the last song I’ll write about you.

I need to move on, I think you do too.

You were all that I wanted, you know that you still are,

Cause I’ve been alright yeah, but you showed me better.

I know that we’re changing, but nothing feels different.

I’m breaking the silence to say;

If in ten years time, I’m still on your mind, would you call and, say you want this?

No matter where we are, you still have my heart, cause I locked it, and I promise,

You’re the locksmith.

We said forever, and said it too soon.

At least now I know nobody feels like you do.

You were all that I wanted, you know that you still are,

I’m breaking the silence to say,

If in ten years time, I’m still on your mind, would you call and, say you want this?

No matter where we are, you still have my heart, cause I locked it, and I promise,

You’re the locksmith.

You’re the one that I can see me growing old with,

Build a house, I see it now, you plant me roses.

And everything we dreamed about came into focus,

Here’s to hoping.

If in ten years time, I’m still on your mind, could you call and say you want this?

No matter where we are, you still have my heart, cause I locked it, and I promise,

You’re the locksmith.

In summary, Buggy’s song is about regret and fear, Shanks’s is about hope and gratitude.

#I obsess over songs #sorry #shuggy #shanks and buggy #buggy x shanks

[so-many-fandoms-here]

(English isn’t my first language so feel free to correct any mistake you notice)

• Characters: Levi Ackerman, fem!Reader

• Genre: fluff, angst

• Warnings: mentions of death

I love you

➳♡➳♡➳♡➳♡➳♡➳♡➳♡➳♡

Levi’s pov

My breath goes heavy as I stare at the battlefield in front of me. The world has turned crimson red due to all the blood and my ears are ringing from all the screams.

Everywhere I look I see corpses and half dead soldiers. I try to focus but I can barely see through the smoke that is everywhere.

As I close my eyes to concentrate on blending out the screams, another one rings through the air. Distorted from pain, but I still recognize her voice.

(Y/n).

I open my eyes again and suddenly the smoke is gone. Everything in front of me is clear to see.

(Y/n), in the big hands of a titan, screams so loud I could swear the earth is shaking. My eyes are glued to her figure and I try to run, to scream, but I can’t. It’s like my body isn’t mine anymore. My legs won’t move and while my mouth hangs open, no sound escapes my throat.

„LEVI!“ Her scream hurts more than every broken bone, every cut, every burn I’ve ever experienced. The love of my life is dying right in front of my eyes. In front of the eyes of the so called „strongest soldier of human kind“.

„LEVI PLEASE!“ She cries for help again, but I’m still paralyzed. As my fate continues to force me, watching my girlfriend die, I feel a wave of regret rolling over me.

My eyes fly open and I gasp for air like I haven’t breathed the whole night. It’s dark and only a few rays of light fighting their way from the moon into my office. Sweat escapes out of every pore and the wind caused by my sudden movements makes me shiver.

It felt so real. The nightmare felt so fucking real. The pain I felt has spilled over to my awaken self and makes it even harder for my, still tired, mind to separate the nightmare from reality.

I can’t get my thoughts straight, all I can think of is (Y/n). The logical part of my brain tells me that she is sleeping peacefully in her bed, but it doesn‘t win agains the desire to see her.

To tell her how much I love her.

I haven’t told her that I love her yet. I never said it. I was afraid, because saying it would make it final. Not that my love isn’t final already, but putting it in words, for everyone to hear, scared me so much all the time.

I thought if she dies, I could make myself believe I never actually loved her, since I’ve never told her, but now I realize what a mistake that was. I don’t want to pretend I didn’t loved her. I want- I need her to hear it from me.

Determined I stand up from my chair, slip out of my boots so I won’t make so much noise, and sneak out of my office door into the halls.

The wood beneath me creaks as I walk towards (Y/n)s room and I can see the moon if I look out of the large window to my left.

I stop in front of her room and at first I just stare at her door. The courage I felt five minutes ago is already gone and I’m left with weak knees and my loud heartbeat.

What the fuck am I doing here? It’s the middle of the night and I’m standing here just to say something to her.

I think about going back, but as soon as I think of my nightmare again, I can feel the same fear seeping trough my bones. Without knocking I push down the door handle and step inside.

(Y/n) is laying in her back, the head slightly turned and her (h/c) hair is tousled over her pillow.

I close the door silently and step closer to her bed. Then I crouch beside it and take a minute to look at her. Since her room is on the opposite side of the building to my room, it is a bit brighter in here and I can see the moon just as good as I could from the windows of the hallways.

„(Y/n)?“ I whisper while petting her head.

„Levi?“, she answers as she slowly opens her eyes. „Is everything okay, dear?“

Tears burn in my eyes as I open my mouth. „I…“ but my voice breaks and I have to wait a second before I can continue.

One sentence, three words, eight letters, and it’s heavier than every box I ever had to carry. It feels like a stone in my throat, my mouth is dry and my tongue is heavy too.

„I love you.“

I start to sob uncontrollably after I finally said it. The taste of the words so sweet, that I want to tell her again. And that’s exactly what I do. Like a mantra I repeat those three words over and over again and soon my voice is muffled because I buried my head into the blanket that covers her body.

Not a billion ,I love you’s could express how much love I feel for that woman.

„Shh“, I hear her, feeling her hand in my hair. „I know Levi, I know. And I love you too. So so much.“ I look up again and my eyes meet hers. She smiles, moves a bit closer to the wall her bed stays next to and pats on the mattress next to her. Still in my work pants and my button down shirt I lay down next to her and let her pull me close to her. „Nightmares?“ I can only nod, but it seems to be enough. „It’s okay“, she whispers, planting a kiss on my forehead.

I close my eyes and enjoy the feeling of her skin, the smell of her hair, and the warmth I feel in my chest.

#fanfiction #attack on titan #aot #x reader #shingeki no kyojin #shingeki no kyoujin #snk #Levi Ackerman #attack on titan levi #Levi Ackerman x reader #levi ackerman attack on titan #Angst

[countessofravenclaw]

Breaking down some foreshadowing

So did you all read the new chapter of A Homeland This North, country dear fathers! ? Did you like it? Told you that nothing was gonna go wrong, am I right?

Honestly, if you follow me here, you probably knew what was coming since I have talked about it. Anyway, it's still interesting to see who was expecting it, since much of my writing is happy-go-lucky adventures with no actual stakes and I don't put a lot of thought into motifs and recurring themes. If my writing was looked at as real literature, it would probably be horrid. But, for this one as we have been building up to this since part one, I actually included some intentional foreshadowing. I mean the first alarm bell that rung in no one's head was the fact that they were not supposed to go to Finland originally and that it was due to Gastón that they eventually did. So, I decided to break down some of the foreshadowing I did that alluded that something bad was going to happen and it was going to happen to Gastón

Chapter 1

“Then let's let him,” Gastón just laughed, “Hey look, I turn 27 next week and be in my late twenties, so I gotta have the fun now.” 

“Well, I also have never skied—” Nina answered the question directed at her, “—nor will I. It seems dangerous. Anyway, I like the plan, there are other things to do for me.”

“I can live with never knowing if can I ski or not,” Nina stated, “I’m not athletic, nor do I enjoy it. I would just get myself hurt.”

Chapter 2

“It’s always good to have doctors as your acquaintances,” Isla nodded, “I actually recently was talking to Serena…”

“You were a natural in it, but you’re not 16 anymore,” Marco pointed out, “So be careful. The emergency number is different there.”

“I’ll make sure he doesn’t get in trouble,” Nina glanced at Gastón, “Thankfully, they can’t spend the whole day there as there is so little light. We did look up the emergency number. 112 is the most common one in Europe, but they didn’t use it at England. But I doubt, we’re gonna need to use it.”

“Do we really wanna go through that emotional turmoil again?”

Nina really wished that he could have come with them to see the capital, but his job obviously came first right now. Once they were in Lapland, they would have plenty of time. Even with Simon and Ambar and Luna and Matteo, there would be more than enough time to have just to themselves.

“Not really,” Gastón shook his head. “Just some things in the future that I might wanna do. But that’s the future, I have time to think about it.”

Chapter 3

“Tell her to talk to my Mom if she wants to fuss,” Gastón kissed Nina on top of her head as he sat down, “They can form a support group. They’re just scared that they’ll never get grandchildren if we die here middle of nowhere.”

“I still wish Mom and Dad would have actually picked if they wanted to be protective or not,” Gastón laughed, “More often than not, they just let me do what I wanted, but then suddenly they were convinced I was deliberately putting my life at risk. I’m still surprised they ever let me back to Roller after the fire.”

“Have fun,” Nina kissed Gastón on the cheek as he got up from the table, “Don’t do anything stupid.”

“Us?” Gastón and Matteo glanced at each other. They had opted not to take any lessons, given that they had done quite frequent skiing while younger. It was to be seen how good an idea that was going to be. “Never.”

“Of course you are. Don’t worry.” Gastón ran his finger through a lock of her hair, “We’re not going on a black slope at the start. We’ll start off easy and be careful.” He leaned down swiftly to kiss her.

"I will never leave her side."

“Of course I have,” Gastón responded, “and so does Nina. We have talked about it a lot. It’s just not happening at this second. We have all the time in the world. You don’t think we’re actually gonna tell you when we’re trying? That would be crossing some lines. When there is actually something to tell, you will know.”

“And I’m not gonna question you any further,” Gastón finished his point before looking at the view down the mountain again, “You know, life’s really good right now.”

“Well, hopefully you won’t fall,” Gastón grinned and started sliding ahead, “See you at a lower altitude!”

“We took couple of green ones at the start,” Gastón started, “They’re beginner friendly. Wide and away from the forest so there is no danger if you fall or derail.”

“I wouldn’t try it,” Matteo shook his head, before looking at Luna sternly, “Luna, I’m being serious. Don’t try it. I don’t want to head to the ER during this trip.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure April won’t want any part of this,” Gastón laughed while he had been absenmindedly playing with Nina’s hair, “and she’s not a doctor, yet. She will be a neurosurgeon, not a radiology tech or ObGYN. She won’t be able to tell a thing, but we’re very well situated if someone has a brain injury…or well, you are. She won’t be allowed to operate on me.” 

I just wanted to show this off because I'm proud of it

#Soy Luna #soy luna fanfiction #gastina #lutteo #simbar #pelfi #kind of in the background #Christmas #DCLA Holidays #Finland #I have my silly faves visit my country

[makerofmadness]

i decided to start making incorrect Fnaf quotes again just for the heck of it. Probably gonna have some quotes I've used before but it's been a long time so eh-

(Basically I just use a generator to get quotes from but I put the characters in manually)

Roxy: Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.  Roxy: Me too!

-

Golden Freddy: Between Chica, Bonnie, Freddy, and Foxy -- if you had to -- who would you punch?  The Puppet: No one! They're my friends. I wouldn't punch any of them.  Golden Freddy: Freddy?  The Puppet: Yeah, but I don't know why.

-

Gregory, grinning: Before you were what?  Vanessa: Before I was-  Gregory: What?  Vanessa: Before I was inter-  Gregory: Before you were interrupted?  Vanessa: Cut me off one more time and I swear I'll-  Gregory: What?  Vanessa: *makes frustrated sound*  Glamrock Freddy, nervously: Stop that. Before she hurts you.

-

Bonnie: That’s the key slice of truth we need to complete the entire truth pie.  Chica: Ooh, can we get some actual pie?  Bonnie: I like the way you think. 

-

Sun, near tears: Please, Gregory, I don’t speak meme! I don't know what a 'yeet' is!

-

Daycare Attendant (either form): Well, needless to say. Uh-oh Spaghetti-os.

-

Gregory: I'm so tired of this life. I want to be a roomba. I want knives taped to me. And I want to be set loose.

-

Toy Freddy: I have a problem.  Toy Chica: Kill it.  Toy Freddy: Can you chill for like, two seconds?

-

Michael Afton: *Picks up hammer and breaks ringing cell phone.*

-

Toy Chica: He's the boy of my dreams!  Chica: You say every boy is the boy of your dreams.  Toy Chica: I have a lot of dreams.

(high school years be like-)

-

Michael Afton: Didn't you die?!  Springtrap: That was years ago, son. Things change.

-

Roxy: The only straight I am is a straight-up badass.

-

The Puppet: I can’t tell if you’re a genius or just incredibly arrogant.  Golden Freddy: Well, on a good day, I’m both.

-

Mangle: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I’ll wait.  Foxy: You and me!  Mangle: *tearing up* Ok.

-

Michael Afton: There is no future. There is no past. Don't you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every fact.  William Afton: ...All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first. 

-

Bon-Bon: Wow, that was quick thinking on that phony sacrifice stuff.  Funtime Freddy: Oh, that was all real.  Bon-Bon: Wait, you were trying to help them kill us?!  Funtime Freddy: If I’m gonna be sacrificed, I’m gonna do it right.

-

Helpy: Truth or dare?  Michael Afton: Truth.  Helpy: How many hours have you slept this week?  Michael Afton. Michael Afton: Dare.  Helpy: Go to sleep.  Michael Afton: I don't like this game.

-

William Afton, to Henry Emily: I'll be under the mistletoe when you start feeling desperate! 

(dude just can't accept the divorce smh my head-)

-

Golden Freddy: I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Mike's phone number just by choosing random numbers.

-

Elizabeth Afton: Why is our brother crying?  Michael Afton: He saw a leaf on the sidewalk and-  Crying Child: IT LOOKED SO CRUNCHY!  Elizabeth Afton: Please don’t say what I think you’re gonna say-  Crying Child: AND WHEN I STEPPED ON IT THERE WAS NO CRUNCH!  Elizabeth Afton: NO, NOT THAT!

-

Crying Child: Unfortunately, due to several experiences in my youth, I cannot just 'walk up and join a circle of people talking', but it does sound lovely, thank you.

-

Vanessa: Why are there little handprints all over the walls?  Glamrock Freddy, whispering: Why are there little handprints all over the walls?  Gregory, whispering: Because I have little hands.  Glamrock Freddy: Because he has little hands. -

Freddy: Who hurt you?  Michael Afton: *snorting* What, do you want a list?  Freddy ...Yes, actually.

(I like scenarios of "FNAF 1 but Mike talks" ok-)

-

Toy Bonnie: Welcome to Fucking Applebees, do you want apples or bees?  Jeremy Fitzgerald: Bees?  Toy Bonnie: HE HAS SELECTED THE BEES!  Jeremy Fitzgerald: Wait-  *Toy Chica approaches, shaking a jar of bees menacingly* 

-

William Afton: *gets set on fire and screams in agony*  William Afton: Nah, I’m just kidding. Fire does nothing to me.

(bastard-)

-

Henry Emily: My expectations are low, but they can always go lower.

-

Bonnie: I think I need a hug...  Freddy: Good thing I'm hug-shaped!  *45 minutes later*  Bonnie: You... you can let go now.  Freddy: No, I absolutely cannot.

-

Golden Freddy: Is anyone going to tell me what's going on in here?!  The Puppet: It's kind of complicated, but Afton- Golden Freddy: Got it. Forget I asked.

-

Ballora: If the thought of something makes any of you giggle for longer than 15 seconds, you are to assume you’re not allowed to do it.

-

Ennard: Oooh, a train!  Michael Afton: We’re in a train station, Ennard.

-

Chica: The best part of an oreo is the cookie part, not the frosting. Deal with it.  Golden Freddy: Darkness without light is an abyss. Light without darkness is blinding. You cannot have a coin with one side.  Foxy: YO SOCRATES! IT'S A FUCKING COOKIE!

-

Gregory: You look like a corpse that was just pulled out of the river.  Roxy: Wrong. I look like a cool rock star who just OD'd in their own pool. Big difference.

-

The Puppet: I am going to need you to swear-  Golden Freddy: Fuck.  The Puppet:  The Puppet: ...swear as in promise. 

-

Henry Emily: I’m not so sure you’re stakeout material.  Michael Afton: I’m a chronic insomniac, I was born for this.

#Btw: idk why I started imagining the puppet and freddy not getting along #But I think it's mainly because of the end-of-night cutscenes in Fnaf 2 xmmdmdmdmd #fnaf #incorrect quotes #incorrect Fnaf quotes

[halfelven]

typical my life was fucked up stuff under the cut (csa)

i have quite high self esteem and self confidence which always surprises psychiatrists bc of my background but the thing is i don’t really know why i do? possibly out of spite? from pure necessity? byproduct of having to be as independent as i had to be?

i’m also not a people pleaser and i don’t really have social anxiety so it might stem from the idea that there was nothing i could do to get attention, affection, or help and the only person i could ever rely on was myself

i did use to hate myself and think a lot of the shit they told me about me was true, but i really like myself now and i don’t think my close friends all secretly hate me. i have to force myself to respect (good) authority and not think i’m better than other people. i think this probably does stem from the hyper independence. i also have to force myself to form attachments.

(this is one thing that i told my mother would happen to me in my ‘why i shouldn’t be this isolated’ presentations. i have referenced it in previous posts without admitting what it was since i don’t want to hurt people’s feelings by saying it is hard for me to form attachments or really care if someone stays in my life. it’s not consciously a choice to avoid hurt from people leaving, but it might be subconsciously that. i saw too many friends die as a child and then went into near total isolation and didn’t form any new relationships during a crucial time in child development—as i told my mother.)

i find it interesting how it is so different from what psychiatrists are expecting, but all my good drs have admitted there’s hardly any studies done on cases like mine, so there’s not that much to compare it to.

but my current dr doesn’t think i should do long distance therapy due to she thinks my therapist should closely monitor my body language and facial expressions.

(‘like what you’re doing with your hands,’ she says, as i glance down at how i’m twirling my thumbs round each other. i laugh since i knew that was one big thing she meant when she said it would be better in person. ‘yes, that makes sense, of course,’ i say. i smile at her, looking straight into her eyes and laugh again because i know the other thing she’s thinking and that we’re both not saying. ‘so much of trauma is held in the body,’ she says, ‘and long distance you can’t see more than the face. and you can’t mark changes.’ ‘of course,’ i agree.

i can’t remember our last appointment in february or the one before that in december. she tells me that both times i spoke clearly and was tidy and presentable. that she hadn’t noticed anything about me being completely gone. she asks if i was gone somewhere else. i truthfully tell her that i can’t remember most of the winter. nothing felt real and now most of it is dark.

she says i’m the perfect candidate for rehabilitation because i’m so driven and strong. that i need time to heal and establish myself. but i know what i want. i nod again. i know what i want. i don’t know who i am. she says my background was inhuman and inhumane. i nod and smile again. i haven’t smiled this much in weeks.

i tell her i’m glad i got the rehabilitation because i do know what i want and my studies will help me get it but i was scared that if i started therapy while expected to do full time studies i would just fall apart completely. ‘it’s going to be bad,’ i say. it’s going to get worse before it gets better. i push away images of inhuman cruelty that did not happen to me.

‘therapy is very hard,’ she says. ‘but it helps. no one would do it if it didn’t help. it’s too painful… unless they were extreme masochists!’ we both laugh. i have bruises running up my arm from bite marks.

i don’t get home before i break down crying in the park. i lean against a tree and cry. she’s telling me i’m getting real help, actual stability. i’m crying because that’s a mean joke to play on someone. it’s not real. and even if it were, i can’t grasp the concept of stability. i’ve never been able to plan my life more than a month ahead.

and nothing seems real anyway. i’m floating instead of actually stepping on the ground. i didn’t sleep last night and i have just come back from a funeral that reminded me that i have no one to turn to. it’s so warm, and it was still winter in the north. and i’m tired so all the light seems brighter.

nothing is real and i didn’t live through that hell. yesterday i read a sad, sad book and knew that it had to have happened. my denial, my memory working exactly like that. it couldn’t happen. it was too cruel. i couldn’t deny it longer. but today is real. of course it didn’t happen. nothing is real. i whisper old words in my mind, ‘this isn’t happening. this isn’t happening.’ so it didn’t happen. so it could never have happened. it wasn’t real then and it’s not real now.

and i fall apart for no reason, and they’re going to find out, and get mad at me for lying, and take away all my help and i’ll never be able to keep a job because i’m too dramatic and just want attention.

of course that’s not true. i know i couldn’t fake this. i’m too strong anyway. if it didn’t happen i would already have gone so far in life. become a surgeon or something. i’m too smart. too resourceful. too determined and independent and brave. it was something bad that made this. it just didn’t happen to me.

another doctor stared at me before and told me i had a fire inside me she had never seen before. and another doctor told me i had the strongest will he had ever seen. that sounds made up but it happened and i still don’t know what to think of it.

the one who called me strongest liked me so much that it was not at all professional. he told me that i was too self aware for him to be anything but entirely direct. and then he told me i was brilliant and had to go to grad school so my mind wouldn’t be wasted and that i would change the world. ((people who haven’t gotten off their computer in ten years will say it never happened.))

and i am sitting here today knowing that i have written a book that could probably help change the world. and it would also give my soul away, in a sense. it’s brutally raw and there’s not much that i’m hiding—there is some of course, but i would go insane if there wasn’t. and sure i’m brave. but am i that brave?

ever since i was a child i knew that i would always be hated. not because i was at my core entirely hateable but because i was always going to make so many enemies.

i heard their stories and what they wanted for the world, and i was going to make myself their enemy. an evil villain who they could focus some hatred on, get it away from people who didn’t want it. change others’ minds.

that’s not the part i’m scared of. it’s just going to be so hard to hear people who say they want to help csa victims say i survived wrong. coped wrong. got my sexuality wired wrong. and i’m not leaving that out because i know other people kill themselves over this. i’m sick of saying i’m sorry for being raped as an infant and coming out wrong. i’m not sorry.

i’m violent and angry. i’d like to torture him to death. and people say they want to do that for less. if you are stripped entirely of your pride and humanity what do you become?

at least he never broke me

#probably the longest non story post i’ve made #musings #personali #medical // #typical exposure therapy for publishing autobiography #gdlplu

[alyosiuscreightonward]

Dear Diary. Talk about people who actually suck.

Recently my late husband’s dog passed away at 14 years old.

So…His kidneys shut down and he was sneezing and urinating blood all over the house. Plus he was 14 years old. It happened in a matter of days. I first thought he had lost another tooth and I went on about our lives. Then he just started to decline. He wandered around the house, just staring out and pee blood. Which leads him to start sneezing blood. I waited a day and told Childzillah we had to make that informed decision…

That’s what happened. I texted my dad on Father’s Day and wished him a happy Father’s Day but I was in a bad situation but I didn’t get into it with him.

Of course my sister had gotten those aforementioned texts just to shut the fuck up about it and leave me to grieve his passing. BUT NO!!!

My baby, my life, my heart, Harrowgate Broadchurch Cunningham Rogers has lost his pack. First was, The Emperor of Quail Village, Augustus Caesar Cunningham Rogers; he passed away due to neurological damage, he was 6 years old. Then there was, His Holiness, The Brother Levi Reddy Gudipally, he was 21. Now, CoCo Monaco Veronica Louise Ciccone Penn Ritchie Corleone The Third. However in between all this bullshit, my husband had passed away.

It was a trigger for me and I was dealing with it as best as I could. It reminded me of the days of yore when I had 8 friends die before I was 30 because of complications from AIDS/HIV. Okay. Not a fucking great time in my life. Granted my idiot sister wouldn’t fucking understand that pain since she’s 7 minutes younger than me and she’s constantly saying fucking shit like, “I’m the baby, gotta love me!!” Bitch. Please. Go ahead and have your Walmart Temper Tantrum elsewhere. No Sale here. I’m not feeding into it. “He’s picking on me!!” Fucking twat. Change your own fucking diaper.

As of this writing, I had every intention of calling my dad and telling him what happened BUT NO!!!

My sister fucking ratted me out. She put me on Front Street. She put that landfill on my dad’s property. Thanks a lot for that you stupid fucking idiot. “I’m SO going to TELL!!!”

I’ve been working on myself for years and now I’m dealing with shit better than before and the Lexipro is helping me not to feed into other people’s bull-fucking-shit. I’m of the mindset that if you tell me something, I believe in the sanctity of the confession and what you tell me, I’ll deny everything. “My name is Oliver North and I have no record collection of that memory.” I loathe telling folks that I’m dealing with my own bipolar depression, manic episodes of hypomania and suicidal ideations. I’m making progress. It’s a moment by moment thing.

Regardless of my rant, my sister will never understand how much she hurt me, again.

She’ll then claim I’m being so secretive about my life. Motherfucker, if I am able to tell you, then I would tell you and not put it in The National Enquirer or on TMZ. Nacho Bizness. Nunya Bizness. Not your story to tell. I have therapists who I confide in and not my family. They have a tendency to throw it up back in my face because they can and they will.

The love for my family is real and not just conditional. However I know that they don’t like me as a person because I’ve done shit and I’m not going to judge them but I’m going to say very clearly, that my dachshund and I WILL talk shit about them, but I’m not going to tell the world what I think because I’m irrelevant.

CoCo is going to rest in power but I will talk shit about him and not you.

Now you see why I stay over here and mind my business and I make every effort to keep myself out of your life and business. If you want me to tell you all about yourself, there’s going to be tears and they won’t be my tears. Trust and believe. I’m sure that you are not ready for my verbal and emotional abuse. I’m very good at it. My tongue is so sharp that it can and will clip the hedges. I’m going to annihilate you into a puddle of tears. Though this requires some effort on my part and I didn’t schedule that today but now, I’m going to tell her, that she can speculate about it since I’m not going to say shit to her.

Yeah I know that my dad worries about me but if it’s my shit then let me deal with my shit and don’t interject yourself in my business.

[mystistyx]

a letter you’ll never see

confession shoto x reader

I don’t know how to tell you this, but I.. I am letting you go.

We’ve been through so much yet nothing at all. I’ve been holding onto strings of this hope, this purity of our relationship. If you could call it a relationship.

You made classes bearable with our quiet and chaotic study sessions. Probably every hour or so of actual work, what seemed like three hours of laughs, rambling conversations, and deep thoughts of the world around us would follow. While I certainly didn’t do my best with studying, I wasn’t alone in the depressive state and I’d like to believe I saved some part of you as well.

I could go on forever about our night outs with friends, slight partying and drinking, our inside jokes and blessed acts of caring but the thought of it does me more hard than good lately. My mind, my heart, my.. being falls too hard for comfort and I made you a victim of my love and support. Maybe it’s all in my head. Is it.. all in my head? Part of me truly believes it but still, that one night. That one night you admitted that sliver of a chance that I had with you, it was soon ripped due to ~

I don’t want to bring that up, for your sake and mine. I plan on burning this letter the moment I complete it. If this ever slipped into your soft hands.. The thought alone makes me want to end it all.

I promise, I’m okay. I have no choice but to be. I’m Shoto Todoroki after all. The expectations that have fallen onto me are a burden just as big as my emotions. If for a second I could turn it all off, I would. But if I did, you would disappear as well. As I already mentioned, it’s for the best. Right?

Midoriya recently taught me what jealously was. It took a while to understand but the concept was easy to pick up seeing you thrive and flourish within your life. Your internships, your activities around campus, your.. family. Although, I’m still unsure if jealously is the right term. Does envious work? No. Do you know what it’s called wanting to be besides you at the dinner table with no awkward or painful conversations? To help put posters in the hall without being stared at and compared to my horrendous father? Words are.. hard.

With you though, in person with you, words come so easily. The waterfall of excitement pouring out, the cheers of both of our laughters, our.. timid but real light flirtations. This feeling, Y/N.. I’m so scared.

I don’t have a choice anymore. I have to end this even if this hasn’t even started. If it starts, I won’t stop. I won’t stop making you feel loved and cherished. I won’t stop aiming to make you smile every chance I could. I would do everything in my power to fight off all the worries and woes that try to harm you. I would simply.. be your person.

I must go now. I won’t go away forever, in the sense of keeping my distance. My heart has to calm down and my mind has to go back to it’s rational state. I’m not myself right now.. and I don’t think I can rely on you anymore. Not if you don’t feel the same way back.

It’s funny. Never would I ever think I would laugh at this journal entry of heartbreak. I think that’s a sign I’m still maturing. If I could keep this entry I would to look back on.

My emotions must go. My feelings must die. My gravitational pull towards you must ease and follow another planet, myself, for now.

You continue on, okay? Be the very best you can. Go and follow your dreams, I would want nothing but to see them and for you to fall in love with them. Make the world yours and never let it out of your grip.

I promise to be better for you one day.

Until then, I’ll watch you from afar, snowflake.               

                                                       ❥❥❥

((i’m not the best with hurt comfort (?) but it’s been egging me on lately))

masterlist // shoto’s soba corner

(( taglist form: here ))

#Shoto #shoto torodoki #shoto x reader #shoto x you #mha shoto #bnha shoto #bnha shoto todoroki #my hero academia #my hero headcanons #boku no hero academia #boku no hero imagines #hurt/comfort #love letter #shoto imagine #shoto todoroki imagine #shoto fluff #shoto hurt #shoto comfort

[starryoak]

Honestly I get really angry and depressed when I see discussion of diets and specifically what frustrates me is the more fat positive stuff that “reassures” you by explaining actually there’s no hope for you, nobody ever loses weight for real so give up and accept your fate, asshole! Like, my two options for discussing weight loss are people who encourage me to get healthier but do it because they think of me and people like me as disgusting subhuman failures, or someone who loves and supports me but assures me that actually any plans of self improvement are doomed to fail and hopeless.

Like, I’m 350 fucking pounds and I don’t want to lose weight for my looks! I’m actually I’m very physically healthy internally, but I can’t move well and my bones all hurt and it fucking pisses me off to hear that in all likelihood I forever doomed myself to a life of future joint pain and limited mobility before I ever got to live any of my life! I’ve been obese for like 70-80% of my life and I lost mobility due to a hospital stay and I don’t want to live like this! I don’t hate my body because of looks or any of that bullshit, I just want to be able to live and do the things that normal skinny people get to do!

It makes me want to cry when I hear “don’t try dieting ever because actually it fails 95% of the time”and hear it from people meaning to discourage fatphobia or whatever. I get that doctors ignore us, I get that people treat us as subhuman, but I literally cannot imagine being comforted by the idea that dieting is pointless because that means I’m trapped in this body forever and I don’t want to be.

The idea that change is impossible and hopeless makes me want to scream. I want to lose weight! I want to be able to do things normal sized people can! I want to be able to bend down on my knees! I want to be able to do physical activities! I want to go hiking! Crawl on my hands and knees and get into small spaces! I understand that I was more mobile before the hospital stay, but even before then I was not physically capable of doing the things other people are physically capable of doing. As in there are weight limits for many, many things because of physical, mechanical reasons that mean I was physically incapable of participating in them, because it is either literally unsafe for me to or was never made for me to. That is literally why I said “I want to get into small spaces”! I’m sorry this was misunderstood but I want to be able to explore places that mechanically cannot fit a person of my current size. I’m sorry if I’m belaboring the point here but it’s kind of weird I’m having to specify this here.

I want to fucking live a real life damnit and it’s horrifying to imagine that I’ll never get that chance because I was doomed from the start like people say! I don’t want to have ruined my life before I ever got the chance to actually live it!  I didn’t choose to gain weight, I’ve been on heavy medication my whole life that made me gain weight, I was in so much mental anguish my whole childhood that dieting was the last thing on our minds while I grew up, and, oh yeah, my medication can, has, and will try to kill me if I lose weight too fast so there’s that too.

How the fuck am I supposed to handle the idea that I squandered my life before I ever got the chance to live and why the fuck do people pass around that statistic like it’s supposed to make me feel better!?

It makes me want to kill someone every time I hear it I get so miserably fucking angry that you people tell me this like its some kind of relief to hear I’m trapped in a miserable fucking body where I can’t do any of the things I want to do! Fuck off and die!

#discourse #health #fatphobia #diets #medication #dieting #I’m sorry I don’t mean this entirely #im just really fucking mad #and miserable #and I want to live my fucking life damnit #I don’t want to have destroyed my life before I could ever live it #negative #hostile #vent #again I’m sorry #i don’t actually want anyone to fuck off and die #it just felt like the only thing I could say to end it that expressed my feelings of anger #normal is a super loaded word I know #and I definitely didn’t word it well #but when I said normal skinny person essentially I mean the average skinny person can do things I physically cannot #and that’s frustrating #edit: ok someone sent me a message over this and then immediately blocked me which is #ok #like legitimately fine but also incredibly bizarre to initiate a conversation only to immediately block someone before you get a response #because there’s literally no point to it lol? #like what do you get out of that? you won’t see the apology if I gave one because you can’t see me #and tbh I’m not going to apologize for something that I literally tagged several warnings for lol #and so I’ve clarified the point they objected to because yeah I know I used to be more mobile #and yeah Olympic athletes can be fat but generally you do not see the 350 pound strongman doing ballet and jumping around #i am not saying I’m physically unhealthy I am saying that I am mechanically incapableof fitting into things that I in fact want to fit into

[irrealisms]

How are you doing lately? You all right?

I am doing kind of poorly, to be honest! I tried to use the narrative to my advantage to break out of the negative cycles I am trapped in and set up Positive Change but instead I have become a meta commentary on existing with an audience! I had like half a feeling due to homework and suddenly all of the feelings I have been avoiding for the past year and a half slammed into me at once and I’m trying so so hard to keep myself 24/7 occupied with mindless media so that I don’t have to face my thoughts and also so as to be narratively flat and boring. I am not real and have never been real, I’m just an idea, and sometimes I can pretend that it’s fine, that this is just some sort of a joke, that I’m having fun making my audience watch YouTube videos. But I’m not. I go to the bathroom and I think, are they getting off to this? or is this getting cut? do they even give a shit about me? am i anything when i’m not aesthetically pleasing? what are my standards for ‘aesthetic’, or ‘interesting’, and why? if i think too hard about this, maybe it’ll be interesting. better open tumblr and mindlessly scroll, that’s bad content, right? fuck, I hope they’re not getting off to this, hard to put someone off if they have a kink. and I hate it! I fucking hate it! I can’t fucking do things like this and whenever I am alone with my thoughts for half a second I want to cry! and I also feel like— it’s fucking stupid because I’m putting all this up on my blog and liveblogging it in my discord server? I like narrativizing and aestheticizing. I don’t care that much about my privacy. I like the idea of being an idea God had and I don’t mind Him watching me and helping shape my life to be beautiful, I’m fine with all that. I don’t really mind being blorbo from your shows. So it feels… idk, hypocritical. To, also, mind? The being watched and being fake and being a rat in a maze and them trying to make me freak out. I don’t like that I’ve given them what they wanted after I tried so hard to Not and Be Healthy but… I don’t know, I’m tired. I’m really, really tired. I might drop out of school and it’s fucking pathetic because it’s my fifth year of it, I should have graduated last year. But I’m so fucking tired of it. But also I don’t know if I can hold down a job and I’m suspicious that I can’t, the only reason school hasn’t fired me is because I’m paying them, and I’m terrified of the idea that I won’t be able to and I’ll end up just living at home doing nothing being taken care of by my parents forever & ever & ever. And I don’t want to talk to irl people about it and I don’t want to talk to my psychiatrist about it and I don’t want gentle kid gloves treatment and I don’t want antipsychotics and I don’t know what will help I just want to hide under my bed forever and ever and I want to not be followed anymore or recorded and while I’m at it I want the rewards of Doing Things without having to actually ever do things I don’t want to do.

So, uh, yeah. Not… the most alright. I’m fine! I’m fine. I am eating three meals a day and sleeping 8-10 hours a night. I have the gold star in Not Wanting To Die Anymore. I am Better Than Last Year and for that matter I am better than the year before that and the year before that and so on and so on for the last twenty years. Not literally every year, but most of them. It’s… whatever, I guess.

Kinda want to make a web weave or something about How Things Have Been Recently but it feels obnoxious tbh even if it’s a self aware sort of obnoxious. my entire blog and my writing is sort of a more elaborate version of that, anyway. then again it’s fun sometimes to elaborately make a FUCK OFF! STOP WATCHING ME!

Also [insert generic OCD fears about what if I’m wrong about morality] + [generic anger about what if I’m right and have let my fear of hurting people suppress all my thoughts and opinions for no reason] pops up on occasion but way less than it used to. Score one for therapy, I guess.

#hi . sorry to traumadump . i am doing. bad #therapists dni #a bit of a truman show complex

[dollsonmain]

This is one of those “Should I put this on the whining blog? AM I whining or am I talking about something? I don’t even know.” things, so have a cut.

So I’m obviously having a depressive spiral ಠ_ಠ and these down swings make everything hurt and everything is personal and too hard and I’m just wrong there’s no place in the world for people like me and I need to die to make the world better and end my own suffering because there’s no other option.

Being aware that it’s a depressive episode both does and does not help endure it. The negative feelings are very real and very deep, but I KNOW it’ll let up after a while and be less heavy so just hold on, right? That’s kept me alive so far.

Anyway.

Posts go around and make me think of things that make me even more unhappy with myself and really it’s all self-loathing, self-disgust, and that’s especially heavy during a depressive spiral.

Right now I’m plagued by a post about unrequited love and one about maladaptive daydreaming.

I am guilty of both.

The unrequited love post basically boiled down to “Stop torturing yourself. Break all contact.”

It is torturous to want something you can never, ever have. It’s no different for me than wanting to be fit, strong, and active and have all of those happy brain chemicals people say come with it. It will. never. happen. I am disabled.

But wow do I want it, and not being able to have it due to circumstances that I can’t change hurts.

I’ve asked myself many times whether it would hurt me more to break contact or to keep being friends but always wanting more.

I’d rather support him as a friend than never speak to him again no matter how much it hurts to want something from him that he can’t give me because he doesn’t have the same feelings for me that I do for him.

-

There was another thing my cousin posted that was "Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than how you think it should be.” - Wayne Dyer

And I’m like...

Life, as it is, is SHITTY, I’m being emotionally and financially abused, people are being killed for the color of their skin, the environment is collapsing, it should NOT be this way! Who the FUCK would tell someone to be PEACEFUL with that and not want that situation to improve???

That’s like when I bring up something That Guy does that is abusive and hurtful and he says “Just don’t get mad.” like..... DON’T GET MAD?!?!??!?!?!!?

Gentlemen, you can both kindly fuck right off.

Though I have a feeling the original quote had more to do with money than anything else. They usually do. Be content with what you have instead of jealous of people that have more money, their flashy lives and lots of expensive stuff don’t mean they’re happy.

The more I train my mind to process life as it is, the more discontent and angry I become.

-

Then the maladaptive daydreaming post....

That’s kind of all I have keeping me going right now. Imaginary love for myself as I am. Imaginary different self that is worthy of love. Imaginary independence. Imaginary mobility, strength, and grace (I am so clumsy...). Having my own little imaginary place that I’m able to afford because of my imaginary job.

More things I want and can’t have, and the part that hurts most is coming back to reality and being reminded how very different what I want is versus what is real and what is attainable.

But the gist of the post was that daydreaming becomes maladaptive when it cuts into your productivity and ability to work toward those dreams and it’s like, in my case, WHAT productivity? I am DISABLED. I’m not productive. What little bit I can do to work toward that dream is not enough.

How else would I spend that time? Staring at the walls?

Anyway, I think the biggest detriment to my own daydreams, because productivity is not affected in my case since it’s something that occupies my physical down-time anyway, is the constant yearning for things I can’t and will never have, just like unrequited love.

But even in my daydreams I rarely have or get what I want. My low self-worth makes the potential lovers turn away and the effort fail even when it isn’t real. So part of the detriment is also constantly experiencing the same agonizingly consistent failure even in my own daydreams.

-

But hey, 20 years and a new paintbrush later and I can finally paint a thin line.

[ellsss]

personal post, do not reblog:

i feel so lonely. and im so sad about where our world is heading. and i feel absolutely powerless. i just feel like i JUST began the best time of my life, coming out, starting to like who i am as a person, living happily and enjoying who i am to the fullest, and im just sad because 1. our world is probably going to be gone in like 20-50 years because of climate change, im not gonna get to live my life and others won’t be able to live their lives and be who they want to be because of shitty disgusting and entitled human beings in power, specifically white men.

i want to be able to grow old with someone, i want to live my best life to the fullest, i want to age, and know that i have lived a LIFEEE. not die at 45, knowing i haven’t reached or done what i know i can do because of these awful people not helping the world. speaking of men, male on women violence is through the roof, and it’s always been disproportionate throughout history where men constantly have abused their positions of power due to their egos, transphobia is on the rise especially in the UK. Racism is still alive and well. so is homophobia. Women’s rights are getting worse too.

On a personal level, i feel incredibly lonely. i don’t feel like i have anywhere to turn, and i feel incredibly guarded around friends now, because i express my feelings a lot. i try not to dump on people and i try my best but it always ends up getting like that anyway. i always try and check on my friends, ask how they are, listen to when they are struggling but i still feel like im an awful friend because people have said i tend to over express.

i know its something i should be aware of but, i also feel like im stuck in between a rock and a hard place because i am trying to be there for everyone to the best of my ability and it still seems like im doing it wrong. it’s like i’m genuinely insecure of being vulnerable with friends now because i don’t want to hurt them and i feel like i will if i talk anymore. it’s not their fault of course, because if i do talk about myself too much that isn’t great and there needs to be balance in a friendship periodt, but the reason why i feel so conflicted despite being insecure is because i haven’t only talked about myself and i have tried being aware of other people’s experiences and what’s going on in their lives.

i feel romantically lonely too. i see such beautiful wlw couples on insta, tiktok and in real life and they have such a kind and loving intimacy with one another and i have never experienced that. i always get close to liking someone but something is always in the way, and it’s mainly because it’s international a lot of the time or they end up being bad people. i just would love to know when it’s my time. also, im sad that i don’t have queer friends irl, i see some of my fave cosplayers have such cool queer friends and i don’t have that. i just feel lonely all the time. like i don’t have a group or people i can be my full self with.

#ellsss #ellsss’ rambles #personal post don’t reblog #wlw yearning #friendship struggles #climate change #this world is fucked

[the-anxious-skeleton]

Hi! I don’t know if this should be a question or if I just wanted someone to listen, but I appreciate you having asks open.

So I have really bad anxiety, both general and social anxiety. It’s usually manageable in real life because I have really good friends that are emotionally supportive. But this situation feels kinda stupid to bother my friends about and I was embarrassed. They also don’t use Tumblr, so it would’ve been harder to explain.

I started a Tumblr blog a couple of days ago. It was just a small thing to write about characters for games and shows I was into. I made a pinned intro including groups I didn’t want to interact with the blog. I think the exact wording included “racists, homophobes, transphobes, furries - basically anyone with anything gross / hateful / offensive to say”. I didn’t see a problem with this at the time, however, not too long ago I got an anon ask that read “Seriously? Lumping furries with transphobes and homophobes? What’s wrong with you lmao”

In hindsight, I can totally see their point. I was undermining the severity of other hateful groups because, obviously, furries aren’t anything comparable to those things and have nothing to do with them. Even if I didn’t intend that in anyway, it could still undermine those sensitive topics and offend another group of people that have nothing to do with those things.

However, due to my anxiety, I guess I got triggered and panicked. I deleted my blog not too long after I read the message. I already have a lot going on with tests and stuff and I didn’t think it through. I should’ve apologized and held myself accountable. I would say it was be removing myself from a situation I wasn’t mentally prepared for, but I feel like I just ran away from a situation even though I knew I was in the wrong. I feel guilty.

I feel that my anxiety makes it so I cannot handle an online space. I am a creative, both an artist and writer, so I crave validation for my work from a large amount of people. But if I do so much as make a small mistake or do something unintentionally, I panic and isolate myself again. And then I feel worse because I feel like I’m running away from my problems. It’s like a bad cycle.

I’m sorry if this ask is too long or rambling, but I felt like talking to someone from the same platform would make it a bit easier for them to understand. I’m probably making this a way bigger issue than it is or maybe not. I get so in my head sometimes it’s hard to tell, and I hope that makes sense. Thank you once again and I hope you have a very nice day :)

Hey. I'm so glad you reached out!

I encountered a situation very similar to this on my main blog. I basically posted something very triggering to some people and didn't tag it properly. I added broad mental health related tags instead of more specific tags that would have appealed to a niche group that would have understood what I was talking about without being triggered. Someone submitted an anonymous ask, very kindly brought the inappropriate tagging to my attention. I was wildly embarrassed and wanted to curl up and die. I deleted the post and apologized in response to the ask. This really hurt my feelings and made me feel really stupid. In retrospect, I really appreciate that person pointing out the issue in a respectful manner. It helped me become more aware of how the Tumblr community works and helped me understand that I needed to be conscious of other people's situations. The best thing you can do at this point is to rebuild a blog for your work, and if you aren't sure about something you're posting, ask a friend, or of course, send me a message and I can help. I hope this was helpful and made sense. I am very proud of you for recognizing your mistake and growing from that. Everyone makes mistakes, but not many take the initiative to grow from them. Again, let me know if there is anything else I can help you with! Everything will be alright, you got this!

[defineuphoria]

Hello. It’s moon.

How are you all doing? Are you doing well?

I hope you’re all doing well.

The weather has been gradually going from sunny days, to scorching hot, and rainy monsoons..I hope everyone is prepared for these unpredictable weathers by protecting themselves still, with masks. Don’t get sick. Prioritize yourself more.

The first 3-4 days of when my grandfather passed away, I lost several pounds of weight from loss of appetite and the amount of stress that was burdened onto my body. I’ve always been on the thinner side, but my current weight is way too underweight for my age and height.

Everyday, I wanted to die and I felt so hopeless and lost. I really miss him so much, it feels like a part of myself died along with him.

Everyday is still so so so so, painful.

The pain and grief completely seared into my being.

The first initial hour, I suffered from a panic attack when I realized he’s really gone. I was sitting in front of my tv— I threw my head into my hands and down on my knees, and just screamed in utter disbelief. The entire living room echoed with my screams and cries. It felt like I was in a bad fever dream or a terribly cringe drama where the main character’s beloved dies, but I wish it were all false. It was too real. Between trying to catch my breath, crying, and fighting the pain that was threatening to wreck complete havoc in my chest, I couldn’t do it. I cried and cried for hours on and off, I would sit up on my bed and just scream or hold back as much into the hours of silence at midnight. Even whilst showering, I found myself standing still and just zoning out while hot water scalded my skin and misted the entire shower walls with steam. I was truly at a loss.

I always associated death and the loss of a loved one with very negative feelings and pure fear. I myself get panic attacks whenever my mind shuts all thoughts and only think about how when one dies, your body is no more. Your memory, your heart, everything, dies. Cut of all function. It’s such a brutal and heartbreaking reality, that I can’t accept.

I truly envy those who have come to terms with it and have accepted it as a natural and beautiful process of all life.

The part that hurts most, is the fact that I failed to keep my promise. I promised my grandfather to see him one more time. The last time I saw him, was in 2019. Before Covid-19 hit. I had only saw him for a couple of hours..I accidentally got his hopes up initially, when I told him that I was going to be able to stay at his place for a couple of days. Hoping we’d be able to revisit the places that he and his wife used to take me before. But my flight departure day got kicked up a day earlier, due to work. So I had to leave him earlier than we both had expected..I was truly heartbroken.

After Covid, I was unable to visit him because that was when his health really had gotten worse. I was afraid of visiting him and getting him sick since cases were rising near me. I knew his health was taking a scary turn, so I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to see him again. Just like how grandmother passed and I wasn’t able to see her.

I failed. I failed to see him. I feel like I failed as a granddaughter. I led him to believe he’d be able to see my face once again. And I didn’t get to see him one last time. I didn’t get to tell him about the beautiful things in life that made me want to live another day.

I’m sorry..I’m so so sorry.

When I visited my grandfather back in 2019, we stopped by his favorite hair salon. He actually took me to this hair salon a couple of times before as well. It was owned by this really nice Asian lady, who remembered us. My grandfather always told me that she said hello to me whenever we talked on the phone. She really loved my grandfather too. His smile and selfless kindness was really infectious to everyone around him.

My grandfather walked inside the salon first, so I waited outside. He wanted to surprise her.

When I walked inside; her jaw dropped. She gasped so loud, her clients and coworkers were all gawking and wondering what’s going on. A family affair? Some drama? Nah, it’s just a long reunion. She was over the moon and truly so ecstatic for my grandfather. She said something that really struck me next..,

“He walked in with this really huge smile on his face and I just knew, I had a feeling that something was making him so happy. I’m so glad that you’re back, dear.”

And we hugged. She had gotten some years old.

I did too.

We all did.

I cut off my phone for several days.

First of all, I never told my sister about my grandfather’s passing. I beared the burden alone this time because she had exams.

A part of me wished that I was gone, instead.

All this time, while battling depression, I wanted to be somewhere by myself. Where no one knew me. I still feel so empty, I don’t know what my purpose is anymore. There’s so many things that I wanted to tell my grandfather about my life. I wanted to update him on so many achievements. I also never told him a lot of things like how I’ve been battling depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and PTSD because what parent wants to hear from a child they raised and pampered out of love and care, that they wish to disappear?

I think those words would hurt him most.

It would hurt a lot of people who know me, I think.

And most of all; I’m truly apologetic to both of my grandfather and grandmother now, who has to see these sides of me that I never told them about. Watching me crawl in the corner of my room crying my eyes out, feeling alone, and begging to disappear.

I’m sorry, grandpa, I won’t be the President of the US. In fact, I don’t want to. This country is a whole shit hole anyway.

Any parent seeing their child feel like this would probably want to just protect their child, but I have not been conditioned to feel loved by my own parents.

I’m so negative and critical of myself, but I know nothing else out of it. I don’t know what it’s like to feel so happy, that you feel like you’ve been lifted off the countless burdens you carry. Happiness; genuinely terrifies me. It’s such a vague concept. One day, you feel like you’re on cloud nine, and the next, the whole world could crumble beneath your feet. That’s exactly what happened the day I found out about my grandfather.

In fact, I was healing that day. I laughed so much that day, I didn’t know I could laugh this freely.

I don’t know what it’s like. I don’t know what it’s like to feel appreciated or thought of.

It’s all foreign to me and seemingly “weird”, because no one told me that it’s ok.

Sometimes I come off as an unserious person.

I personally think that’s just my way of masking my weak self from completely crumbling away. I wanted a persona of the true me of what I wish to be.. to look seemingly happy. Hoping to feel this way one day.

You know- the “fake it til you make it” kinda mindset.

As for support systems, I’ve long lost this.

A year ago, I cut off contact with someone who was my support system. When someone brutally and suddenly cuts you out of life, it pretty much means they have given up on you, right? At least that’s what it felt like. Someone who I thought we’d be friends even 15, 25, 30, years down the line, gone, just like that. They’re continuing on with their daily life, smiling and laughing with their new friends, while I’m still stuck here.

I’m not sure how I can build friendships like that again. Let alone trust.

Do people feel this way about me?

Can they trust me like I did with this person?

What if I feel like they’re home to me, but it’s not mutual?

I’m afraid.

There’s so many people around me, theoretically, but, physically, I feel so alone.

And most of all, I’m sorry if anyone has been trying to reach me. I honestly cannot bring myself to face my friends who might have been worried about my well-being. I’m not sure if there are, but if you are reading this, I’m sorry I can’t face you right now.

I cannot lie to myself or you, that anything is ok, when it’s not. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to any of us.

But I’m really thankful to my closest friends I have made on Twitter. I thank the universe for bringing me these people who made me laugh so hard to the point of tears, that they’ve found their way and seeped into my daily and personal life. Sometimes a strange way I look at it, I wondered if I have made an impact in other people’s life the same way. I wondered if someone thought of me, or if I existed in their daily life.

I think these thoughts came from the lack of feeling appreciated on my end, from previous friendships, so it’s not anyone, who’s currently in my life’s fault for making me feel this particular way.

I’m not sure.

But regardless of it all,

I’m just tired. I really want to beg to the universe to stop taking people from me.

I have nothing left to give anymore, yet it still hurts every time I get battered by the world.

I’m not sure when this will be uploaded, I doubt I’ll remember when it’ll be uploaded since it’s on a schedule automatic upload, but if you see this,

when you feel like you cannot push past through a tough moment, think of all the times you told yourself that you also couldn’t surpass those times.

You’re here now,

aren’t you?

That’s all that matters.

Survive one day at a time.

Even if it’s just to survive.

[angeldarkrose]

I was happy. I had my life. I finally started living after being addicted to pills for a while. I found myself. I could smile without a back thought saying to die. But that’s gone. All because someone couldn’t send a full message asking to be friends. Knowing everything. Knowing all about my abuse, how my past was used against me, knowing about the addiction, knowing about my self-harm it still happened? But it wasn’t supposed to hurt me? I’m still so confused by that. I opened up to people I thought were real about things that are very harmful to mental health. But turns out it was all fake. Now? Now everything is so different. I can’t look into a mirror and have a real smile or like the way I look. I can’t get a friend request without think that the person isn’t real. I’m still trying to gain the weight I lost back from first whole situation. Knowing damn well I lost someone to death, they faked it. Full on faked it but yet it wasn’t supposed to hurt me. I tempted my life twice back in october and they knew. But still continued to keep going. I can’t go out anymore. The only thoughts in my head the last month have been how much longer. How can I do this without actually leaving the ones I love. Why do I still have to wake up. What did I do to deserve it. The hobby I once loved of skating has become a chore. I can’t skate more than a mile without being drained. I used to do 17!! I’ve begged for help but nothing has been done. So, I gave up and due to the hurt I gained an attitude. I’ve been alone my entire life basically and this added to it. Everyone I used to live with hates me or uses me. Siblings? No longer speak. Parents? Two of them ignore me or tell me that it’s over and I should just leave it alone. But I can’t. The other when I bring it up tries to tell me about his job as if it’s the same thing. I have nobody here with me. I wake up and clean the house. I cook breakfast. I write. I make lunch. I do the dishes and take a nap. I get up and cook dinner then go back to bed. I live with 4 people but see nobody daily. They all have their groups. All because of an unsent message. I just want to smile again. I want to laugh and for it to be real. I want to feel loved. But I haven’t in so long. Not real love anyway. I don’t even want to be here anymore but leaving isn’t an option. It fails every time and I have no idea what else to do. My shoulders are heavy. My heart is heavy. I fully gave up my coping mechanism. Everything is hidden or gone. I hide blades too now. I talk shit to myself daily. I deserve everything that has happened to me. I don’t deserve happiness. I put up this happy front in public if I can go now. I push around the cart and laugh. Make jokes about the stuffed animals and toys. But in my head all I can think of is what if they don’t know this is the last laugh they’ll have from me. I’m told I’m one of the earths greatest gifts and I deserve everything good. But why do the people who tell me that do the exact opposite, I don’t understand it. I’m done. I’m at my limit I just want to know what else is fake. Is everything back to nornal now? Nothing will be for me now. I have therapy again and more medication. We’ll see it if works. Doubt it will. But oh well. Nobody cares. I miss that orange bottle. My best friend right there. I fought so hard just to fall back down. I gave so many chances. I gave the evil the pathway. Treated them like friends because little did I know that’s who they truly were. But not friends at all in any sense. I just want this all to be forgotten but I can’t. I truly can’t. I don’t like it. Everything I knew the past year was a lie. How do you just go away from that. How do you move on? Today is 10 months without the person I loved the most and it doesn’t get easier either. I’m just so done.

#personal