#dude i refuse to have kids i dont fucking trust myself to not pass down this shit lmao | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ceruleantrolls · 7 years

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==> Noru: Lie awake at night thinking about people who wash their hair with soap

-- rainbowReflectivity [RR] began pestering hydraulicPsychiatrist [HP] at 02:53 --

[02:53] HP: Hello!

[02:53] RR: ) ) u remember me ( (

[02:53] HP: To be honest, no, sorry

[02:54] RR: ) ) thank god ( (

[02:54] HP: Give me a hint?

[02:54] RR: ) ) hows it goin yo ( (

[02:54] RR: ) ) peanut butter ( (

[02:54] HP: That

[02:54] HP: Sounds very familiar

[02:54] RR: ) ) dont think on it too hard ( (

[02:55] HP: Well I am now

[02:55] RR: ) ) no ( (

[02:55] RR: ) ) do not do that ( (

[02:55] HP: Yes

[02:55] HP: I will do that

[02:55] RR: ) ) i have a hypothetical question to distract you ( (

[02:55] HP: I love hypothetical questions

[02:56] RR: ) ) how many hangers do you think it would take to hang a scrawny 6'someshit man in his closet by his suspenders and or shirt ( (

[02:56] RR: ) ) asking for a friend ( (

[02:56] RR: ) ) whos super not a dumbass ( (

[02:57] HP: You can't do that, really

[02:57] RR: ) ) why ( (

[02:57] HP: Hangers are not very strong

[02:57] RR: ) ) yeah but if you like ( (

[02:57] RR: ) ) tied a bunch together with duct tape or socks ( (

[02:57] HP: They would bend because they are made to be flexible

[02:58] HP: Also

[02:58] HP: What is the context of this

[02:58] RR: ) ) what kind of shitty ass hangers do they give you bluebloods ( (

[02:58] RR: ) ) no reason ( (

[02:58] HP: Normal ones?

[02:58] RR: ) ) just yknow ( (

[02:58] RR: ) ) looking for new sleeping arrangements ( (

[02:59] HP: I wouldn't recommend that as a sleeping arrangement

[02:59] RR: ) ) why not ( (

[02:59] HP: Unless you want to physically murder your back?

[02:59] RR: ) ) how would it murder my back. it'd be fine the hangers are doing all the work ( (

[03:00] RR: ) ) what if i taped em to the ceiling ( (

[03:00] RR: ) ) and made some sort of like janky sexless hanger sex swing ( (

[03:00] RR: ) ) a sleep swing ( (

[03:01] RR: ) ) of hangers ( (

[03:01] HP: Okay, I'm going to say this as nicely as I can

[03:01] RR: ) ) no youre not ( (

[03:02] RR: ) ) i feel it ( (

[03:02] HP: Do you want me to put it in a mean way?

[03:03] RR: ) ) i mean whatever you're into ( (

[03:04] RR: ) ) im not used to being niced at when being called a dumb shit is a much easier option ( (

[03:06] HP: Hmm

[03:06] HP: Okay, so none your ideas will work, and I am concerned because you may die?

[03:06] HP: I tried to be medium on a scale of nice to mean

[03:07] RR: ) ) thanks ( (

[03:07] RR: ) ) i dont think ill die tho ( (

[03:07] RR: ) ) my ceiling isnt that high unfortunately ( (

[03:07] RR: ) ) not like in a 'i wish falling off the ceiling would kill me' way ( (

[03:07] HP: It doesn't take that much to kill you if you fall at the right angle

[03:08] RR: ) ) like a im a big ass dude in a tiny ass lowblood apartment way ( (

[03:08] RR: ) ) not with all the shit on my floor ( (

[03:08] RR: ) ) ive got a cushioned fall ( (

[03:09] HP: I once fell from a relatively short distance and broke my wrist evn though it was onto a soft thing

[03:09] RR: ) ) ow ( (

[03:10] HP: It's okay, because I have a robot arm now and it's

[03:10] HP: Well

[03:10] HP: Totally sick

[03:10] RR: ) ) that sounds ill as fuck ( (

[03:10] RR: ) ) what color is it ( (

[03:10] RR: ) ) is it gold ( (

[03:10] RR: ) ) is it platinum ( (

[03:11] HP: It's black

[03:11] HP: Not super dark black

[03:11] RR: ) ) if i ever lose a limb i want to get a new one in the fucking ugliest mutant shade of teal ( (

[03:11] RR: ) ) lame ( (

[03:12] HP: Teal is a nice colour!

[03:12] HP: I think wearing ridiculous amounts of gold if you're any higher than teal is a bit, um

[03:13] RR: ) ) a bit um ( (

[03:14] HP: It makes you look like the kind of highblood who yells at a lowblooded cashier for saying 'no problem' instead of 'thanks, have a good day'

[03:14] RR: ) ) i like seeing my bloodcolor all over highbloods tho ( (

[03:14] RR: ) ) its kinda hot ( (

[03:14] HP: You want to try going up to them and telling them that?

[03:15] RR: ) ) that they're hot? ( (

[03:15] HP: Yes

[03:15] HP: Because of the yellow

[03:15] RR: ) ) you think my ugly fuckin mug can go up to ANYONE and tell them theyre hot without getting the snot beat outta me ( (

[03:15] RR: ) ) i mean you havent seen me ( (

[03:16] RR: ) ) but im a goddamn mess ( (

[03:16] RR: ) ) so like no ( (

[03:16] RR: ) ) ill just fan myself from afar like some royal asshole or some shit ( (

[03:17] HP: I was thinking more that you would die

[03:17] HP: But fair point I guess

[03:18] RR: ) ) yea ( (

[03:19] RR: ) ) what am i supposed to do with all these hangers ( (

[03:19] RR: ) ) i paid 5 dollars for this 40 pack but now im having second thoughts ( (

[03:19] RR: ) ) damn you ( (

[03:19] HP: Sorry!

[03:20] RR: ) ) thats 5 bucks thats not getting me bandage socks ( (

[03:20] RR: ) ) or hair soap ( (

[03:20] HP: Wait

[03:20] RR: ) ) shit ( (

[03:20] HP: You weren't the heathen that washes their hair just with soap, were you

[03:21] RR: ) ) everyone washes their hair with some sort of soap my man ( (

[03:21] HP: That is not an excuse!!

[03:21] RR: ) ) its the same DAMN SHIT ( (

[03:22] HP: It's the same thing if fish an frogs are the same thing

[03:22] RR: ) ) i wouldnt wash my hair with a frog ( (

[03:23] HP: Indicating that you would with a fish?

[03:24] RR: ) ) you know its taking all of me to not respond to that with some sort of uncouth joke about seadwellers ( (

[03:24] HP: I don't want to hear anything about any seadwellers

[03:25] RR: ) ) u brought up fish ( (

[03:25] RR: ) ) but anyway ( (

[03:25] RR: ) ) like i wouldnt wash my hair with a real life gilled and finned fish no ( (

[03:26] HP: But yo would wash your hair with soap and not shampoo

[03:26] RR: ) ) i dont have to worry about conflicting scents ( (

[03:26] HP: Scentless shampoo is a thing

[03:26] RR: ) ) no shampoo smells exactly the same as the bar counterpart ( (

[03:26] RR: ) ) gross ( (

[03:26] HP: It's not a counterpart!

[03:27] HP: Why would you do this to yourself

[03:27] RR: ) ) i dont trust anything thats scentless ( (

[03:27] RR: ) ) it IS and you know it ( (

[03:27] RR: ) ) $ ( (

[03:27] RR: ) ) $pite ( (

[03:27] HP: Didn't I offer to personally buy you bucketloads of shampoo last time we talked

[03:28] HP: Because if i dodn't I will

[03:28] RR: ) ) first of all never ever use the term bucketloads to me again ( (

[03:28] HP: What's wrong with the term bucketloads

[03:28] RR: ) ) bruh ( (

[03:28] RR: ) ) second of all yes but i declined because i refuse to be some bluebloods hair charity case ( (

[03:28] HP: Brah

[03:29] HP: It's not a charity case

[03:29] HP: It's therapy

[03:29] HP: For me

[03:29] RR: ) ) how the fuck ( (

[03:29] HP: Because I will lie awake thinking about this at night

[03:29] RR: ) ) envy all the money im saving ( (

[03:29] HP: The fact that someone in the world uses soap to wash their hair

[03:30] HP: Is going to haunt me until I die

[03:30] RR: ) ) im going to go do it right now ( (

[03:30] RR: ) ) im going to eat it after ( (

[03:30] HP: I'm going to write 'use shampoo' on my gravestone

[03:30] HP: No!!!

[03:30] RR: ) ) yes ( (

[03:31] RR: ) ) nom ( (

[03:31] HP: You'll throw it back up

[03:31] RR: ) ) i clean my entire self AND get a meal out of this bar of soap ( (

[03:31] RR: ) ) says who ( (

[03:31] HP: Science and me

[03:31] RR: ) ) you think im not accustomed to the taste of soap motherfucker? ( (

[03:31] HP: It's not the taste

[03:32] HP: It's the chemicals

[03:33] RR: ) ) mmmmm soap ( (

[03:33] HP: You'll have to clean up your own puke

[03:33] RR: ) ) there'll already be soap in it ( (

[03:33] RR: ) ) so easy ( (

[03:34] HP: That's not

[03:34] HP: No

[03:35] HP: I mean technically you're not wrong

[03:35] HP: But also no

[03:35] RR: ) ) yes ( (

[03:35] HP: No

[03:35] RR: ) ) come to daddy soap soap ( (

[03:35] HP: Now I'm kinkshaming

[03:36] RR: ) ) hey youre the one with the shampoo fetish ( (

[03:36] RR: ) ) im just a simple soap farmer ( (

[03:36] RR: ) ) living off my soap crops ( (

[03:36] HP: It's called hygeiene and taking care of yourself

[03:37] RR: ) ) i do take care of myself ( (

[03:37] RR: ) ) i can name at least one instance of taking so much care of myself that happened within the last 24 hours ( (

[03:37] HP: You were just talking about sleeping on a bunch of hangers

[03:37] RR: ) ) for my back? ( (

[03:38] HP: It would ruin your back

[03:38] RR: ) ) my recouperacoons being fucky and i cant fix it ( (

[03:38] RR: ) ) what else am i supposed to do man ( (

[03:38] HP: Have fun cleaning up that soap puke when it hurts to bend over

[03:39] HP: Sofa? Bed? Lots of blankets on the floor?

[03:39] RR: ) ) ehhhhhhhhh ( (

[03:39] RR: ) ) none of those give you that floating feeling ( (

[03:39] RR: ) ) i need the slime or somethign like it ( (

[03:40] HP: you can get the slime and fill your bath with it

[03:40] HP: Or one of those inflatable pools

[03:41] RR: ) ) how am i supposed to get slime when my recouperacoon is sick ( (

[03:41] RR: ) ) do they actually sell that shit ( (

[03:41] HP: Yes

[03:41] HP: What do you think other people do when their coons break

[03:42] RR: ) ) fix them or hang themselves from the ceiling?? ( (

[03:42] RR: ) ) anyways ( (

[03:42] HP: No!!

[03:42] RR: ) ) i do actually have to go find a solution cause i gotta pass the fuck out sometime fore the sun sets again ( (

[03:42] HP: I have a spare one

[03:42] HP: Spare coon

[03:43] RR: ) ) srsly? ( (

[03:43] HP: Yeah

[03:43] RR: ) ) like just laying around? ( (

[03:43] HP: Yes

[03:43] RR: ) ) are you gonna kill me if i come to you and use it? ( (

[03:43] HP: Kill you?

[03:43] HP: Why would I do that?

[03:43] RR: ) ) its a good murderer ruse ( (

[03:43] RR: ) ) come down this alley kid ive got sleep for yas right here ( (

[03:44] HP: I live in a ruin in a forest

[03:44] HP: Oh wait

[03:44] HP: That isn't much better is it

[03:44] RR: ) ) okay then thats not happening tonight ( (

[03:44] RR: ) ) i live in th city m'man ( (

[03:44] HP: The forest is next to the city

[03:45] RR: ) ) im like dead center ( (

[03:45] RR: ) ) of the city ( (

[03:45] HP: Anyway I've never killed anyone before so killing you now for no reason would be kind of anticlimactic

[03:45] HP: I work in the middle of the city in a clinic

[03:45] HP: There's beds there too

-- rainbowReflectivity [RR] ceased pestering hydraulicPsychiatrist [HP] at 03:46 --

#they had 2 go 2 bed #pchum #hydraulicPsychiatrist #rainbowReflectivity

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renegadewriter-blog1 · 7 years

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Hey, I’m Back. Sup.

So yesterday i went on about how i was meeting my friend A-1 at his house with A-2 and J, I was telling you about the food and of course, the alcohol... I’m about to get back into that and finish that mhmm amazing ass story, but first i wanna tell you about what happened today.

I woke up with a bright ass light shining in my face today, lemme tell you it was the most annoying shit I've gone through in a while. like, it legit ruined my sleep...

Guess what it was? the fucking sun. yep. fuck that s.ob.

Just kidding, don't fuck him, we all need the sun to live.

I'm not used to the sun shitting on me so early because the window in my room has an angle that doesn't allow the sun to hit my face, but my girlfriends apartment is a different story...

It was so weird honestly. But whatever, let us get back to the story, shall we?

Wait, where did i leave off again? Ahh okay, i remember now.

I was telling you about the number of alcoholic drinks me and my friends were on and it was definitely more than 6 and i was DEFINITELY more than a 7 out of 10--drunkwise.

Trust me, i thought i was totally okay at this point even though my words were being slurred and what not.

By this time the sun was already down and the horizon was no longer able to be seen from the view of the mountains in my friends backyard.

The temperature outside was quite comfortable with it being summer and all, i felt at ease.

I had also just finished my previous drink so i thought it would be an amazing idea to...

Yes, grab myself another beer.

I have no idea how many I've had at this point and what happened next was pretty unexpected...

My friends mom randomly walks in from her bike ride and sees me with a beer in my hand--the look in my eyes screamed “I AM FUCKING WASTED” to her and she kind of just looked at me and laughed.

Relief washed over me in a big way.. i definitely thought she was about to scream at my friend A-1 for having over 3 random dudes over to get drunk with.

I almost offered her to take a shot of Gin with us but i knew if i did she would've probably done it and A-1 would've been pissed(he doesnt like hanging out with his mom--i know, shocker).

After she left i thought it would be funny to start calling up random girls that my friend J used to sleep with and tell them that he's madly in love with em and is dying to get their hand in marriage.

of course i did this without his consent because, well, i was fucking TOSSED, more on this in a bit.

But seriously, mixing wine and beer in one sitting is not chill, it made my stomach hurt and that usually never happens when i drink. Oh well, you live and you learn.

Anyways, the girls i called up couldn't believe it, and frankly, i don't even remmeber wtf i said to them i just know the texts my friend had gotten in the morning from them were the most hilarious texts I've read in a long ass time, ill elaborate more on this later, but first...

i wanna tell you more about our whacky ass night.

After the phone calls i tried rounding up the gang to go on a late night hike, of course they refused. i was the drunkest one there that night and i think they were getting a bit annoyed.

Whatever. i was enjoying myself lol.

My friend A-1 started getting emotional and saying how we were all his best friends and stuff--i mean, i can't blame the guy, I'm fucking badass i wish i knew more dudes like myself.

True shit, but I'm going to save the ego stroking for a later post.

And to be honest I’m getting kind of bored of telling you this story so I'm gonna go ahead and wrap it up so we can move on out of here so..

Bear With Me, I Believe In You.

Fast forward 3 hours and its now 1:30AM, I’m starting to feel sick and tired at the same damn time, it was terrible. i blame the wine and beer mix tbh.

So in my drunken state--which was, a 10 out of 10 by now, by the way. I decided it was time for me to go to bed.

The funny part was that i drove my friend J and i there so essentially he was fucking stranded there lmao.

i get woken up at like 3:23AM to my friends saying “Edwin.. Edwin.. Get up!!”

i opened my eyes in a haze, my contacts drier than a desert and stuck to my eyes like glue. i spilled out the words “what the fuck dude let me sleep”

They were persistent and didn't allow it. Finally they won me over and i got up off my friends couch who i so reluctantly chose to fall asleep in right next to his 70 pound basset hound who, to be honest, doesn't snore at all--surprised the fuck out of me.

Anyways, luckily my friend J was sober by now and was able to drive my car which i was very, very thankful for cause i did NOT want to sleep the entire night there.

The entire 3o-minute drive home was a blur, i remember playing some sick ass tracks and dancing like an idiot to them as my friend kept his eyes on the road but thats about it.

Finally we arrived and i guess this other dude we were friends with was waiting at our house for J. I felt so shitty that i didn't even want to say hi, i said my goodbyes and walked in, my dark empty ac’ed house was so comforting that i almost fell asleep in the kitchen while making a quick late night snack.

I took out my contacts and passed the fuck out on my warm and comfortable bed...

the next morning was not that chill...

Im usually not the type of guy who gets really bad hangovers cause i tend to hydrate well during the day, but damn...

i was fucked up, couldn't even concentrate on my studies lol.

Lesson learned from this story: DONT DRINK BEER AND WINE IN ONE SITTING.

Learn from my mistakes kids. You'll thank me later.

Anywho, that wraps up this story, it was the first one i tell you, the other shit I'm going to begin to write should be better.. maybe.

Ill talk to you in the next one.

Peace,

-Edwin

#beer #texting #wine #moms #drunk #hungover #dehydration #fml #wine wednesday

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