#dont wanna spiral into negativity but good god | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bonkietarot · 5 months

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hey msbonkah! how are you doing?

Tbh i saw your reply earlier but when i did i thought to myself that i should absorb wholely what you have said and then reply to thank you.

I dont just wanna thank you for your response, but also for your encouragement, and believing in me. I took some more time to reflect. I also believe in God so, i asked for clearance too and guess what? I'm feeling a lot better, a sense of relief even.

I realized that i had stopped validating myself, that was when it felt like hell. I also kinda hated myself for other reasons, which kinda made me believe that i *should not* deserve the good. Which was why i lost my sense of security, and i spiralled towards absorbing other beliefs which i deep down knew wasnt what i wanted, but kept persisting that it *had* to be true because it was a way i wanted to punish myself🤦‍♀️. It sounds crazy, but i went as far as to believe in anything that didnt help me at all. For instance, if i saw someone's tragedy i would have subconsciously thought what would make me have it too, as well as what unwanted things i want to do to avoid having em. You get the idea.

But now i'm like? It's not ever the *things* or the *rational causes* of things that are inherently good or bad, it's the power we give to something that makes us or breaks us. Right now at this point, i couldnt give a single f if im doing tongue posture right, no f if im supposed to have super wide teeth for health reasons etc, if these things have instead helped people then id be glad it worked out to their benefit. However, i avoid any mindset that subscribes to any particular belief that bad things have to happen to them unless xyz. It personally was what held me back from being content and chances are, i would have probably never been too paranoid about it manifesting if i never even discovered online forums of various topics. And id probably keep my faith and move on. Simple.

I also dont believe that what i find bad here has to be universally bad, in the process of figuring out which works for me or doesnt i dont want to impose any limiting beliefs from my part to your readers too btw. These are just my personal feelings, and doesnt have to be *canon* if it won't suit to others convictions, and i dont even wanna explain any of my limiting beliefs in detail ever as i know it would serve neither. It would be correct to say that me having a bad experience with any technique or method will not make it bad if anyone does follow em which im sure they do. But as people we should all have hope as well as contentment with what we already possess, without going over a 1000 ways to break ourselves from either keeping it protected or renewing it, and believe in what we do for our own good as long as we know its enough.

To end this, id love to say huge kudos to you, your concise, clear posts really do help and i wish the best for your success in your blogs and life. You are inspiring and you choose to believe in someone like me when i couldnt even believe in myself. May God keep u blessed. Xoxo

Hello! I am doing well and I am glad that you are doing better. Faith is what we all really need and I believe that the majority has overcomplicate it into extra steps that we ‘’need’’ when we always had been doing it in our ways. I am glad as a content creator that I gave you a space to open yourself up to me, it really means a lot and says a lot about my leadership and most importantly the relationship that I have with my peers. Just a quick reminder, just because you see someone else negatively experience something doesn’t mean it would happen to you. Even if it does happen, your approach matters. Like previously, you took the approach to reflect which also inspired me. Thank you so much and may God bless you.

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dyketubbo · 3 years

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im rewatching doomsday (comps of all povs of course) and. yeah i just.. feel bad for the lmanburgians. i dont know how i could just. say these people deserved it, when they all sound, panicked and desperate and so so fucking sad. long long ramble under the cut as i recount the events and pick out a bunch of little things

even the day before then is painful. ranboos panic room. ranboo and tubbos talk (tubbo admitting that hes wrong, saying he believes that history is repeating itself and trusting ranboo because he believes in his loyalty), fundy showing the ring toss. tubbos surprise at being told to kill dream before stating that quackity would be in control if he didnt (god, did he plan to fail?). tommy being so so excited. everyone playing ring toss and cheering on jack. tommy still believing in tubbo. tubbo panicking. ranboo and tommy and techno talking, ranboo giving them info. dream placing walls and quackity instructing tubbo on where to kill dream. dream lying about the community house. the entire community house debacle. just, everything.

and then doomsday itself. having to frantically get there because it started early, tubbo only having diamond armor to protect him, fundy standing still after he sabotaged them. tubbo and ranboos genuine despair about the apiary.

tubbo eventually going nonverbal and actively putting himself in danger, not even moving away from techno at first and getting in the way of the firework launcher. tubbo trying to save tommy from the fireworks, ponks broken "dont come over here!" after she was trying to save his cat, tommys face falling and desperate attempts at convincing techno, ranboo going "its all gone", niki spiralling and silently burning down the tree, quackitys pure anger. all the death messages.

jack going "what is there left to protect", tommy brokenly trying to accept that its gone as tubbo and quackity blankly do accept it. jack going "i lost everything again". tommy desperately trying to understand dream, on the verge of tears as he asks why dream didnt just hurt him. his low health and food as hes unable to do anything anymore, his quiet gasp as he spots ghostbur, tubbos tiny shake of his head when dream says dream and tommys story wont be over.

tubbo and quackity breaking the repeaters. ghostburs "i didnt even know we were fighting". ghostbur finding out phil let friend die, hes pained "phil? but i- i gave, i gave phil to look after. and dream found me friend, and technoblade said we were friends", tommys pained talk about technoblade. "we were never his friend. to him, all of this was just an act of politics, an act of clout and a-a social ladder, and you won't remember. tubbo you will, and to you big q, this was a friendship. but to technoblade, this was a ladder. and techno climbed to the tippity talk. do you wanna know the only way you can go? on the ladder? -- and once you reach the top of the ladder tubbo, you can only go down."

quackity asking to sing the anthem again, him strumming as ghostbur sings (and tubbo and tommy joining in). ghostbur forgetting the second verse because it blew up. quackity remembering it, them stumbling through it. tommys "tubbo? im so so sorry", tubbos quiet "its okay." the four all singing together. tubbo looking at the lava with an ender pearl in his hand, tommy correcting quackity and going "our l'manburg". ghostburs speech about friend, about people not taking him seriously just because he has memory loss.

meanwhile.. phil and techno were laughing. cracking jokes. phil mocks them as he spawns withers on the apiary, going "ohhh noo not the bees!". techno shouts at tommy and shoots at him and tubbo. he kills jack and doesnt even notice that it was one of his lives lost. jacks death itself proves that it doesnt take any particular intent, doesnt have to mean anything to the killer. techno and phil were willing to kill people. it would be foolish of them to act as if there were no risks in the terms of canon lives, especially with phil. phil doesnt take ghostbur seriously, treats his despair as an opportunity to drill in a lesson. the most either of them lost was some of the dogs and used up potions, fireworks, and wither skulls

and then theres dream. dream whose been harming the l'manburgians since the beginning, who had taken tubbo hostage, offered eret a chance to betray them all, who had been the man in tommys walls and offering money to tubbo and jack to try and get them to destroy things, who tried to get tommy to kill tubbos villagers. dream, who took tommys discs over and over, who killed tommy twice in one day, who stopped caring about his friends that loved him and were so so loyal. dream, who helped schlatt and pushed wilbur deeper into his spiral, who even then tried to manipulate tommy.

dream, who helped destroy l'manburg the first and second time, who took advantage of tubbo so he could have a premeditated kidnapping of tommy. dream, who abused tommy, physically, psychologically, emotionally. dream, who degraded tubbo and had taken ranboos memory book (which btw, since ranboos memory loss counts as a mental disability with the memory book as his aid, thats dream taking the thing that aids ranboo in dealing with his disability).

dream, who had been the reason l'manburg was created. dream, who got to destroy l'manburg three times. dream won. and techno and phil dont regret it, dont care.

maybe l'manburg was never meant to be. and sure, it started with stealing and an attempt to monopolize on potions but. that wasnt even l'manburg then, was it? it was just wilbur and tommy having fun. l'manburg came after. after the police hurt them. l'manburg started as a silly little revolution, led by a naïve man who thought he could win wars by saying no. it was a place for a family, a place for them to escape from dream. it was a place to try and escape the harm of those outside the walls. it was meant to be safe, even if those against them made it hard to be. it was made from love. it was meant to be happy. it was a symphony, however unfinished.

so. i don't know. i just feel, bad. they never really won, did they? tragedy after tragedy, death after death, destruction after destruction, betrayal after betrayal, hurt after hurt. and now what's left of them, really? out of the founders, erets doing the best and even shes doing awful, forever trying to make up for what he did. tubbos paranoia led him to developing nukes in a desperate attempt to stay safe, because he was taught to stay quiet and keep his emotions to himself, because his death was "justified", because nukes and walls and weapons are the only way he can feel safe anymore.

tommy went through months of abuse, lost all of his lives and suffered upon coming back, suicidal but unable to bring himself to do it because limbo is worse, feeling lost and like he has no family anymore other than wilbur, who he knows is hurting him but cant bring himself to leave, who loved lmanburg so so dearly and only wanted a home, still doesnt have one (tommy from everywhere, tommy from nowhere at all). niki who loved lmanburg and wilbur so much that it hollowed her out and made her bitter and shes so used to being spoken over that all she can think to do is raise her voice and get pissed, who cant see wilbur as a good person anymore because shes hurt and hasnt truly recovered and she doesnt know how to cope without being angry.

jack manifold feels forgotten, hes lost all his lives and crawled out of hell and no one truly noticed, he doesnt even believe that niki really cares, hes desperate and has made his purpose to be spiteful and angry because he cant deal with the emptiness that comes when he realizes theres no point. fundys desperate to have friends, family, a partner, anyone thatll love him, anyone thatll keep him safe, slowly killing himself with cigarettes and disowned because of giving too little too late, because he was too little too late.

and wilburs lost himself. spiraling, paranoid. a young, naïve man who wanted to fight swords with words, who wanted to impress his father, who wanted a nation of his own to feel safe, who was so effected by erets betrayal that he cant trust anyone but himself, whose possessive nature eats him from the inside out, desperate for control and unable to let go of the only person he knows loves him unconditionally

all because outside forces kept pushing, kept destroying, kept ruining them and hurting them and traumatizing them and taking away their homes and pets and loved ones. and i just. cant feel happy for the ones that hurt them, i cant feel victorius, triumphant, any of that. i just feel bad that the l'manburgians never got to be a family. i know they arent the best people but shit, i love them anyways, love them because theyre flawed and because theyre *people*, people who tried so so hard and got pushed so so much and. fuck, i cant be happy that the people who loved nature and play fought and laughed by campfires and read poetry and re-enacted theatre and loved each other and wanted to *live* (even if they were willing to die, if it meant giving everyone else a chance).. lost. they lost.

canonical years of work down the drain in one day. records of history gone, now only remembered in full by a traumatized teenager who was taught not to talk about his negative emotions, and even he misremembers some parts. they didnt even lose fairly. they had no chance. they couldnt have prepared for withers, for tnt rain, for the hounds. they were poor, weaker than their opponents, sabotaged by one of their own. thats.. tragic.

doomsday was a tragedy. i cant agree that it was deserved. i cant agree that they had it coming, that they deserved to lose homes and pets and limbs and lives and land because they werent the greatest people around.

a small country of less than 10 people (at both creation and destruction) now a giant crater in the ground, remnants of a parisitic egg taking over the land. and it wasnt even lost fairly. three people were stronger than an entire nation, even with all of its allies. two anarchists working with an abusive tyrant. so, no. doomsday wasnt deserved. people dont deserve tragedy. there were better ways, i truly cant be happy that the way chosen was violence. i cant.

l'manburg's citizens deserved better. they really did. the ends dont justify the means. and god, am i fucking tired of "justice". if justice means choosing violence over love and respect and caring about those less strong than you, i dont wanna hear about it. fuck that man, id rather love and be loved than constantly give a shit about making up for hurting others by getting hurt, thats stupid and cruel and i cant see it as okay on a moral level. not when the people that got hurt deserved to be loved and cared about and protected and *talked to* instead of constantly shot down.

of course for the narrative i can enjoy violence and characters getting hurt and i do like how "real" it all is, the despair and dissonance in tone and how terrifyingly messy it all is. out of story perspective- honestly rather cool even if it makes me feel bad. in story perspective- holy fucking shit no that wasnt deserved and god i hope everyone hurt will be able to heal and learn to love and be loved again because thats such a terrifying thing to go through. from a detached pov i can appreciate the insight into everyone involved and i like the plotlines that came from it, but from a compassionate pov i just wish the l'manburgians were allowed to be happy and treated as equals so they didnt have to go through all of this

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littlebabycrybtch · 3 years

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tbh... we have absolutely FAILED ppl with ea/ting disor.ders so fucking unimaginably bad, especially the visibly underweight ones. and we are still failing them to this day by avoiding valuable education out of discomfort and demonization. its genuinely appalling sometimes, to see just how Dangerously ignorant ppl are about this shit. bros listen 2 me rn. you are not a doctor, and you are Not going cure an ed with your almost laughably ignorant and malicious ‘reverse psychology’ bit where you call someone an ugly skeleton knocking on deaths door whos body needs to be banned from instagram forever, because you’re just ‘so scared theyre gonna die’ or w/e so you can legit pretend they dont exist, holy fucking Shit dude. that shame-and-shun tactic is so unbelievably dangerous. like, if you knew Anything REAL abt these disorders or frankly any mental health issues and cared enough to apply that then you would understand how thats just... pure cruelty. im sorry to be blunt but yeah this isnt a joke, it needs to be said that you are easily going to KILL SOMEONE with that kind of unfiltered uneducated IGNORANCE. it is inexcusably selfish, harmful, and ableist behavior, we have to stop this already.

imo there’s a Lot to be said about the toxicity spiral thats become the pro recovery movement and how much it rejects and speaks over the people its Supposed to support, becoming more about ‘anti symptoms’ than pro anything, but if you are gonna understand Anything new today at least learn this;;; hating yourself at unhealthy is Never ever going to be the key to loving yourself at healthy. being ashamed of yourself FOR being unhealthy, will NOT make you healthier, it’ll make you worse every time. im not tryna be mean but honestly how the actual FUCK do yalls brains work, it is SO wildly damaging to let yourself perpetuate this type of mindset, and then still claim pro recovery or w/e like recovery doesnt have to start at unhealthy??? like itll just happen overnight??? like that’ll help??? like if ppl catch you displaying symptoms of the disorder you LITERALLY HAVE, you arent allowed to talk abt it in any form without intense open negativity towards it and yourself, so ppl know ur definitely totally against it tho and not enabling urself, bc if you dont talk abt ur shame and embarrassment for it that means you arent recovering and need a mob after you??? thats how you think people are gonna get better????

ffs dont try to viciously shame yourself out of bad habits and treat your disorders like taboo, respect and love yourself wholly, the good and the bad, if you want to form better habits!!! ppl NEED to be encouraged to love themselves at unhealthy if they ever want to improve. you are not going to accidentally make them worse by not constantly shaming all their ‘flaws’, they are not MADE of ‘flaws’. by showing support for the mentally ill, you are not fucking supporting their ‘symptoms’, you are a supporting THE FUCKING PERSON EXPERIENCING THEM. and you DESPERATELY NEED TO DO THAT!! there is MORE TO THEM than their symptoms! there are things to COMPLIMENT them on besides their body! its gotten to this point that like. ppl are actually Afraid of just being nice to ppl with eds. they dont even wanna treat them like Humans outside of their disorder, all they see is a disorder. everyone is just SO afraid of ‘enabling’ them by not being vocally against their symptoms that they avoid them like the plague and dont even try to build them up, which is what they fucking need more than anything dude!!

ppl think refusing to ever let an underweight person feel pretty or love their body where they are at is what they need and will force them to recover, or they think giving them goals like ‘you’ll be so much happier with a bigger body’ and ‘keep going one day you wont look so sick’ is at all different than their own internal dialogue, when the Truth (that people need to fucking know by now!), is that shame with mental health is incredibly dangerous, eds are diverse but theyre most often rooted in starvation as a form of self harm from an unwavering self hatred and feeling of failure or lack of control, one they already have deeply ingrained and will usually feel at Any Size, which is why so many feel unsatisfied and keep going and going till they die. the answer to this problem isnt gonna be inflicting more fucking self hate or pressure. thats gasoline on a fire. you cannot just try and. UNO REVERSE CARD THE ~RULES~ OF THEIR FUCKING MENTAL DISORDER and expect RECOVERY... oh my god dude, please, id laugh out loud if this wasnt so malicious.

listen, if you wanna help, like actually Care about Helping the way you claim the root of your attitude is, you need to make that person feel like they can love themselves, not try to make them ‘realize’ how ‘bad’ they are and how uncomfortable and scared they make you and how Not Allowed their behavior is, bc 1. body dysmorphia is a delusion,,, denial is a common association with addictive/self destructive behaviors,,,, you are going about it wrong if thats the first thing you try to accomplish, and 2. whether you like it or not ‘bad’ is gonna be your first checkpoint! who would be motivated to get better when all you’re doing is giving them an already failing grade and pushing them back???

you’re all just... so paralyzed by ignorant fear every time you interact with someone with an ed bc you are so fucking detached from it as a concept, but you wont LEARN how to BEHAVE AROUND THESE PPL! LIKE! and then you claim you act this way ‘because you care'. ok then why do you feel like you dont have to listen or learn??? why dont you see these tactics as needlessly cruel when its explained??? bc oh you cant ‘’’’’trust’’’’ ppl with eds to tell You how to help Them, right??? they’re probably lying, you know better than them ofc. smhhh, every other mental illness community gets to speak for themselves to the ppl without their experiences and therefore the ability to hurt them, sure, but not the sneaky ed people, they created pr.0/a.na/, (the ONLY existing space for encouraging mentally ill ppl in self destructive behaviors, obviously), so they dont know what they need, they have to be Told by Normal people bc their irrational brains are Just Too Broken. (/s)............ like.............?? it is Sooo fuckin prejudiced and disgusting tbh. we gotta do better than this.

eds are almost completely left out of communities for mental health these days. its seriously so disappointing. if you ACTUALLY ‘care’, then ok you need to swallow your pride and do better, you need to Listen and not let your personal discomforts (genuine triggers excluded!) with their appearance or behaviors get in the way of how humanized and committed your decent treatment of their disorder is. tbr, sometimes you arent just ‘concerned’ about a person, sometimes how you go about your feelings is rooted in your inner urge to validate your own discomforts with them, which means it might end up more about you than about them, which hurts them. i mean for the love of god, these ppl are not ‘irresponsible’ for existing around others with their ~unhealthy bodies~, they are not a walking trigger and cant be treated like one, they arent contagious, they will not benefit mentally from hearing you say you think they should be physically banned from posting selfies or w/e, that isolation WONT prevent eds from ~~~spreading~~~ and will severely harm the person in question, you are not making a heroic decision to try and bully them away to ‘save’ others from ever being around them or save them from being around an “enabling” (supportive recovery/not shameful) community. you are not ‘fixing’ them by making them hate their underweight bodies. you’re LITERALLY just ignorant and prejudiced and ableist, your ideas are actually Very harmful, you are not a savior, you are making it worse, plain and simple. Please just start doing better already, its kind of a life or death situation here

#tw eating disorder ment// /#long post// /#tldr;;; hey guess what guys. you know what you should do if you think you see a body check??#compliment em. just avoid the topic of their weight/size/etc or their disorder (even to encourage them to recover. dont start there)#literally pm them and tell them you like their hair. their clothes. their voice. their personality. their art. their username. ANYTHING #that HUMANIZES THEM AS A PERSON OUTSIDE THEIR DISORDER #and BUILDS FOUNDATIONS FOR SELF LOVE!!!!!#/UNCONDITIONAL/ SELF LOVE that reminds them their value lies in MORE THAN THEIR BODY TYPE #that is so unfathomably fuckign IMPORTANTTTTT YOU GUYYYYS DONT UNDERSTAND I #literally please at the very least if u arent comfy with that just stop . Insulting. underweight bodies. that is literally.#'''enabling''' their habits. u have to be literally impossibly ignorant to think that wont make them worse. so. fuck you #if you actually 'care' abt these suffering ppl the way you claim uhhh improve your behavior after hearing all the flaws with it pointed out #puhlease #?#instead of just. sticking the r3xies in the corner and saying 'it makes me uncomfy so if i cant see it it doesnt matter'#like why tf do ppl assume so much of this is about 'attention' or rather positive attention for self destruction #and therefor ANY ATTENTION AT ALL must be bad and shunning is the right answer. like????#bro just. put in literally an ounce of effort here and give them the right KIND of attention which is easy to figure out if ur educated.#godddddddduhh #yes im sorry but the mentally ill slowly dying ppl DO require your attention actually. if ppl are in danger 'for attention' its uh.#more important that you just. dont ignore that and figure out the most nuanced responses Later actually #yall just dont want the responsibility on you if you say the wrong thing and im sorry but to an extent thats just... kinda... selfish #they need ya buddy you dont have to be bffs with every single one of em but you could just like. treat em like a person at least shruugg #all im asking is that yall educate yourselves a little better and stop this horrible shit

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lesbianfreyja · 5 years

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Ok but "In season 5, Dennis jokingly asked Mac to marry him but he said no." Wow. That's powerful. Like that exudes godlike energy. Good job Mac. Also I like to think that Dennis was genuinely insulted and spiralled about it. Thoughts?

i like to think it was for a marriage scheme and dennis proposed to him really, really casually. it was definitely either while at taco bell or maybe over a very romantic monthly dinner somewhere, maybe over sushi or something. he very likely did it as a reaction to mac not being on the lease/mac stealing his gym membership/mac mooching off his cell phone plan - i dont think “fights gay marriage” was the first time they had this argument but i do think that’s partially why mac reacted so negatively in that episode. also i think this is where charlie got the “gay married for the benefits” idea in the first place (mac was probably so betrayed that dennis told charlie about all this)

anyway i think that mac was stoned shoveling his third order of taco bell into his face with their sauce all over his cheeks and dennis was internally slammed with a wave of, “holy shit, i love him so much” and blurted out that they should totally get married, like, for the benefits, bro, like, honey and vinegar had so many benefits dude, this is a great idea

and mac, who was already his sugar baby and already enjoyed all of these benefits without the terrifying specter of Evil Gay Marriage hanging over them, flatly rejected him in a panic. then dennis got super upset and probably had an internal crisis similar to breaks up but with a twist of “what’s wrong with me. what is so unlovable about me that he wouldn’t want to marry me GOD i need to do something drastic like get a tattoo or change my name” because he’s dramatic. meanwhile mac was just like :( upset and confused that dennis didn’t wanna make out over video games later like they usually did at night because he did NOT connect the dots between his rejected proposal and dennis’s Mood™ - which by the way lasted for like 3 weeks until mac did something extra sweet for him (not as an apology but just because mac liked to spoil him too but, like, emotionally because he has no money)

maybe it would have helped mac know he was serious if dennis bothered to give him a big speech or buy him a ring instead of just blurting out “so….marriage am i right” before going for a quickie in the bathroom

#why did this become SO long #i hate my life but marriage hcs get me in the chest bitch #mac x dennis #iasip hc #hc #iasip #anon #ask #they were banging in season 5

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pokefanbri · 4 years

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1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.

So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)

But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.

They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.

But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.

But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.

But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.

Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.

God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️ so who gives a crap.

These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful

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jazzforthecaptain · 7 years

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hi I know you’ve just finished field work so pls dont take this the wrong way kay, I'm only asking out of love. Do you have any sastiel fics planned for the future? Regardless of your answer to that, tell me about your favorite tropes or just like, general Stuff, when it comes to both writing and reading those two together. Everyone’s got different tastes right & i think is always fun to see people explaining (or trying to explain) why they're into certain stuff

Oh heck yes I have more sastiel I want to write, don’t you worry.

I want to try some canon!verse scenes. I’ve spent a lot of time writing Castiel, but didn’t study Sam’s character closely until I launched off on the first draft of Field Work. That story was posted this year, but the process of finishing and editing it was about two years’ worth of work.

If there’s a story concept or an AU you’d really like to see me tackle, I’m all ears! Just let me know. After all, Field Work came from a random request on the sastiel tag - I saw it, and in a few minutes the scenes from the first chapter were in my head.

This ask tickled me so much, because I would love to talk about sastiel but I’m better at answering questions than trying to write an organized Ship Manifesto. So now I have a relatively narrow avenue of attack!

That said? I’m still gonna write paragraphs.

I’m busily working my way through the sastiel available on ao3, but I can tell you right now that I’m always a slut for Castiel reassuring Sam that he’s Worthy and Lovable and A Good Person (and for Sam to do the same for Cas). I’m also a big, BIG fan of anytime Castiel gets to talk to Sam about the Big Bad Shit that’s happened in a way that gives them both relief and bonds them, if not absolution (because sometimes absolution just… well… isn’t appropriate or possible). Castiel getting to apologize/explain himself for the choices he made that negatively impacted Sam, and vice versa, and each discovering that they’re still loved and valued by the other because they have a similar tendency to judge themselves more harshly, and fail to forgive themselves, while forgiving their loved ones even when the consequences of poor choices were horrific. Good God these two need a confidante and a champion (and a mitigating voice), and I love it when they find it in one another.

Also, it should be noted, I prefer to take my Castiel the way I take my coffee; that is to say hot, strong, and bitter af. I love it when Castiel is characterized as the soldier he is, with real doubts about the chain of command he came from and a massive distrust of authority. I love it when his battle scars are as relevant to who he is as Sam’s are to him. I love it when Castiel is a sarcastic shit who struggles to take orders even if they came straight from the Big Man himself. And I love it when Sam is internally rage-y, fighting his own temper and his own demons, when he’s drowning in self-loathing, when he takes zero shit, when he questions Castiel and comes back at him and stands up for himself (and others). Trust is slow coming between a couple paranoid war vets with PTSD and a Complicated History so fraught with lies and broken promises you could write a soap opera on it. And yet. Both of these guys are the grand fucking champions of giving people second chances and letting past offenses go - I think they need each other. To help one another heal. To remind each other that they’re not monsters. To remind each other that there are good goddamned reasons to keep on keepin’ on even when the skeletons in their respective closets are dancing the fucking samba. Being a good man isn’t something you’re born as. It’s not something you lose with a single mistake. Being a good man means taking responsibility for and the consequences of your actions, actively caring, and trying hard not to repeat past mistakes - and those are things they both already do. Red_River’s story “Light Up the Sky” has a fantastic quote from Castiel that I think succinctly sums this up:

“You are no monster, Sam Winchester,” Castiel told him, the words less than a whisper. “You are not the best man I have ever known, but you try the hardest to be.”

So, spiraling off into AU territory, there’s a couple things I really like in that regard. I’m a sucker for Magical!Sam (thank @awabubbles!), and she’s got a story series started where White Magic Sam accidentally summons a badly wounded Soldier of God Castiel (have I mentioned I love Soldier of God Cas? Because I so fucking do, omg). Just, you know, think about Sam tending his hothouse full of rare plants while Castiel (who isn’t healing as fast as he expects to be healing, dammit) follows him around like an irritated cat. Don’t touch me, don’t touch me, don’t touch me, wait don’t leave my sight dammit don’t touch me, wait okay rub my ears while I shove my face into your lilies.

Insert deflowering joke here.

I also adore non-paranormal contemporary romances (Castiel is a firefighter responding to a minor fire in Sam’s apartment building, aaaaand go~), high fantasy sword and sorcery (especially if it involves Castiel as a knight, have I mentioned I like soldier Cas? I have, haven’t I?), historical romances, and I hear there’s some excellent merfolk fiction but I haven’t as yet gotten to it. To be honest, I’ll give anything a fair shake at this point. I’m still discovering the fanfiction that’s out there, so in six months Idk, I could be begging for locked-room mysteries or something.

The thing I love the most about sastiel is how supportive the fandom is. Everyone is so encouraging about everyone else’s work - if you wanna write a thing there’s always someone else like ‘YEAH! Do the thing!’ And y’all show the fuck up. I cannot begin to express how much it meant that people were reading what I wrote and telling me about it. It’s renewed my commitment to leave feedback on works as well, because I want to pay it forward.

Sure, there are things I’m definitely not interested in reading that are out there in the sastiel tag, but I’m not here to throw down a list of Stuff That Annoys Me - I’d rather talk about the stuff I love. That seems to be the modus operandi of the community as a whole, and that gives me so much life. I hope it never changes.

Don’t worry - I’m slow as fuck but I’m not going anywhere.

#sastiel #samstiel #samcas

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idksheepthoughts · 6 years

Text

Conversations Me: you actually soft blocked me.... any reason why?

Her: lol the fact that you noticed this late but it happened on accident actually and i went and unblocked but at that point i was like lmao like she'll notice so i never mentioned it

Me: If you hate me just say so. No need to lie.... I don't check shit like that every day but it's not that many days since I know it was maybe a week or less ... Whatever. I'm so splitting atm. So I'll shut up before I say something else

Her: hate? when the fck did i mention that? yes, better shut up before you stick your foot in your mouth as usual since i've done nothing hostile to you as if me feeling like i matter to no one and have the smallest amt of friends possible is somehow how an Attack on You.

Me: you blocked me... on "accident" how does that even happen.... i've told you tons of times that the amount of friends depends solely on yourself. and your willingness to talk to people and work past the anxiety and fear that talking to people causes. . . otherwise I wouldn't even have friends. because if i isolated and neveer talked to anyone ever first that nobody would talk to me in the first place. . . ugh whatever. i've said too much im just going to sober up and talk later i guess.... I can't always be here I try to be but like we said previously, i didn't know what to do between give you loads of attention and give you nothing at all...

Her: tumblr mobile? lol. if you can't believe me when i say that then i don't really want to talk to you since everytime i feel bad or have like, negative feelings regarding my own situations you always take it so personally (1) and then i have to dread these fcking conversations so when we've been talking normally on twitter it all goes to fcking shit because you can't accept that i get to feel bad and feel upset about stuff regardless of whether or not im taking actions to help myself in my own way at my own pace...doesn't mean you get to think that i hate you so i blocked you because what the fuck how does it work when we've been chatting like everyday on twitter? and it was (what i thought) fine? good? (2) if it really was the case i wouldve blocked you here or just flat out deleted since then i'd only have one fucking follower :) so just. let me have emotions. and don't assume things. this is so funny because i remember you getting mad at me months ago for the same exact thing and here we are, situations reversed

Me: BECAUSE i have a huge fear of abandonment.... it was fine but this stuff even if its an accident just idk .... i guess you never saw how much abandonment even if its an accident sends me into depressive spirals??? have i ever left you no. i've been distant yes but i've never full on unfollowed or left... idk you block me a lot and delete and it hurts every time.

Her: "even if" can you believe me????? first off???? (3) and no you havent god if it was such a problem just follow me and then ask me about it because why would i lie lol (4) i don't like friendships built on lies i'll never talk to someone like that genuinely i have insecurities too. i have enough

Me: ok it was an accident.

Her: i didn't even think it was a problem first off considering all those people you put on your thanksgiving post. and then you never noticed/messaged me about so i was like k, so that's that! and just talked w/ you normally here (5) so let's just accept the fact that we've got our problems and there's better ways to handle this than assuming motives

Me: so you did change url because of that post??? like my paranoid ass thought???? i was right on that???? cause i noticed that and was like... maybe its not related but was it????? cause I just want to know... im not mad at that at all just... i want to not assume things atm. and i notice stuff slowly because I try not to fall into obsessive traits. its not healthy to check who im following or who is greyed out or blocked every single day. . . I try to just let things be but when I do notice stuff i can't help but explode. I tried to be calm by just asking why.... but i clearly failed at that. its whatever. I followed back. if it happens again just like.. tell me please??? this stuff makes me so close to slitting my wrist

Her: no, i changed my url because i was sitting on that url for a while and i wanted to use it

Me: okay, it was just a paranoid thought.

Her: well, i really, really, really, don't like when you start assuming things even after i tell you or not believing me. we've been friends for how long? does it mean nothing? you'd think i'd lie at this point? x____x (6) .those thoughts make me want to die

Me: i'm sorry for thinking irrationally, but with how many people just up and leave, all the time even with being friends for long periods its hard not to jump to conclusions. I am in the wrong for falling into my own paranoid thoughts. You explained things and I don't believe that you are lying so its fine.

Her: oh, now you believe me after i have to hold your hand when i'm upset (7) whatever i'm probably not going to follow back because i hate that i have no friends and my mutuals ignore all my posts when i try to put myself out there it's gotten to a point where i can't post stuff on tumblr anymore because i know no one gives a shit like even as happy as i am about my commission i know if i post that on my tumblr i'll make the artist seem bad when no one likes my post idc. i'm bitter and alone and probably always will be because i don't have any friends aside from you o/ like, be grateful you even have that many people to be grateful for (8) i'd kill for it i feel like dying when i think about this and i think about it a lot but ofc i don't moan about it anywhere except on this stupid fucking twitter account where you seem ot think i live a dandy life (9) it fcking sucks bc im trying my best! anyways im done lol oh and then you post shit like *Edit* (Screenshot of some tags where I said I always listen to people but nobody likes listening to me so I talk to my cats a lot which is true because I’m a burden and i hate bothering people with my problems so much) that when you damn well no i have no one else to listen to except you online and we've been civil lately but ok! i guess i don't care! because im living it up! #sarcasm (10)

Me: you havent followed me in probably over 10 or so months, whenever i remade, cause i don't think you followed me when i delteed either, i didn't expect a follow back at all. i just expect us to be not mutuals but still friends? THEN TALK TO PEOPLE TALK TO PEOPLE AND TALK TO PEOOPLE thats all i did was work past my fears and talk to people and some stuck around some didn't. i dont know what else to say. some of those people haven't actually spoken to me in months either but im still grateful for them. I have nothing else to really advise on that other than you gotta put the talking in first. thats all i've done and its somehow managed to not fuck it up for this long??? i dont think i've had any friend longer than whenever we started being friends... so around 2 years...

Her: no offense but just talking to people doesn't do shit :) but seriously, thanks :) (Phone lagged) So I repeated my previous message by accident)

Her: yeah probably the only reason you havent fucked it up is because i dont want to be fucking alone and i dont give up easily so ive stayed with this even fi you make me feel like fucking shit when this happens & since you said nothing to everything else i just said i guess im right :) god im over this i dont want to fight and i dont want to talk to you becaus eim always explaining my problems and you just like. tell me the same shit each time as if it'll magically do stuff liek the fact that im trying doesnt mean anything i dont wanna talk to you if its always going to be like this ill take the goddamn loss and be lonely while youve got your fucking harem of friends idc if its an exaggeration the point is everyone i considered a friend has just stopped talking to me completely and the only thing i get here is you telling me what to do like i need cold hard instructions for making a friend

ME: Harem??? You know nothing about anything. Ya know what..... forget it. If it's better I don't say anything because nothing I says helps and I'm a broken record. You want to assume because I tagged a lot of people doesn't mean I wasn't just fishing for validation. Me trying to help is just being a dumb mistake. I can't help anyone and why I try is also confusing because I am pointless. I'm keeping you in my note regardless you have been here and listened and that hadn't changed. But if this is just going to explode it's going to explode. All I do is ruin everything and I don't even care anymore I'm going to buy a gun soon anyways. So what's the point in trying to make something work. I've always been a shit friend and it's just not worth it to you at this point. So okay.

Her: HERE let me qutoe for you something "idc if its an exaggeration" ^^^^^^^ unlike you im aware when im being irrational lmao (11) apparnetly you get to be and i dont thats how it always is did you ever think about it feels for me when my only friend does shit like this constantly like lmao ofc not bc why would you consider anything from my point of view this conversation is over until you want to stop fucking assuming i dont care LOL and acting as if me letting you go is the best thing that could happen to me like we couldnt j ust talk on twitter and let it fucking be but you have todrag it all in at least i get to get stuff off my chest thats the only fucking good that comes out of this like you dont get that you telling me the same thing hurts because it doesnt fucking work and i dont have any fucking friends i have college to deal with and studies and that pressure but you dont know the half of it? but you just want to assume, assume, assume (12) i cried already out of anger

Me: I didn't have friends in college either

Her: big offense but i dont want to continue this conversation

ME: Okay

Her: unles syoure willing to admit to your bullshit because ima lways doing that and im always getting the end of your shit

Me: I am made of nothing but bullshit I'm nothing but a huge fucking shit storm and I always will be. You should have left a long time ago because I don't know how to not be toxic It's not That I won't be upset by you leaving far from it but you deserved better people and maybe if you had left and kept trying as you have been things will turn around. Because literally everyone that has ever done that with me ended up fine and in a good spot. I hold people back. And that's all I can think of. I ruin other people's lives by being in it. And I've certainly made your life worse. And I'm just better off dead because I am a selfish fucking loser. I'll shut up now.

#personal #conversations #am I in the wrong???#my perception of reality is very bad #I wish I could tell easily when im being irrational #but i feel like im also just being belittled and treated poorly in her responses too #i am toxic #bad friends #idk ... man #there is a lot i want to say to certain points I might edit and respond with my thoughts now that I am no longer intoxicated #long post

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zsuzsusworld-blog · 7 years

Text

Paralel worlds

This is your story. Write it. Everything you want it to be it can. You see all these people on YouTube, Facebook.. some do funny stuff, other beauty, other stunts and all kinds of silly stuff or scary stuff.. or capture real crazy things on camera...and some make some really good money. Some people put their lifes out there and make money out of it. Now i heard that everything that happenes in your life is made with your energy (thoughts, feelings,emotions all are also made of energy)..depending what thoughts you feed..your life will be the way u make it to be..even when you are not concious of it... So every night i go to sleep i make peace with who i am, what i have in my life, the choices i made..and know that next morning its a brand new day to start all over, that something awesome will happen, something awesome that is going to change my life... ..some changes will seem small, will be small, but never the same as it was yesterday. Every day u have the chance to perfect it, and be concious of your thought's and of their quality, make sure u notice the quality of your thoughts...its okay to have bad ones, even those have their purpose, but notice it and approach it in a positive manner, with a positive attitude. Negative thoughts cause a not so great feeling, they show u where u dont want to be, the path u dont wanna go down on. Bad thoughts, negative thoughts, feelings are vibrationally low and it does not feel good. To name a few: fear, worry, anger, jealousy, rage. However they dont exist on their own. They dont exist withouth, you, the host....without you, you the conciousness, you the existing, they are inexistent withouth your energy feed. That is why you need to greet these with a positive attitude, let them know they are noticed. Out of two (+/-) good/positive always wins, because darkness is nothing but the lack of light. It cannot exist without your energy ..you thoughts...its up to you which wolf you feed. You are given the free will to decide, even upon the quality of thoughts ud like to have. So chooze wisely. .... So here i am. My account is minus 67 dollars and i have no job. The Regular world will say im crazy... but i chose to ignore and defy and deny everything that reality is showing me...I chose to feel good, ignore all problems, i chose to know that i cant take it too seriously, know that this is an ultimate playground, the ultimate game of life..better than any movie written...i chose the opposite of what the world screams at me because this is my movie, i am the main character and the director of all of this, and by the free will that was given to me i chose the amazing things and i chose the endless possibilities, that are about to unfold. If this is my movie then I am making my own rules. If this is my world i am my own authority, i project all of this out of my own free will. It was the breaking point where i conciously shifted into a parallel reality. I pressed play on this movie i saw in my head so many times before. I wanted to win big money, i didnt want to work, i wanted to be able to travel and enjoy life at its most withouth any effort. I was reading books, i watched videos of spiritual leaders, i did everything to find out my purpose here..i was hungry to know what is the reason behind my existence, i needed answers, i wanted solutions, i wanted to bring my dream to life, i wanted to bypass the rules and regulations of this rigid society... And i always felt that it is all possible. Life makes not much sence if we come here to suffer and struggle. Despite mistakes and wrong turns i took in my life, so many not so great decisions that i made, i felt im worthy, i am a good soul deserving good things, great and awesome things in my life.i am good. I just did not see the possibility of a God who judges and questions and limits us...there cannot either be a script by what we play an already written script. Thats just so boring. What is the point of that? I stood broken down in the reality i found myself, my last pennies in my wallet, my account over drafted, last job interview failed, thousand kilometers from home, no family or friends...only my boyfriend...bills unpaid..things were just piling up...on the edge of a downwards spiral...i felt something, i felt that iwe seen this happening... One of the common things all the teachers and authors i red always said: everything that i was, and am...i created. I was creating all this time with my thoughts...this is my work. I am responsible for placing myself in the here and now like this. I am the reason why on all aspects and levels of my life, financially, emotionally and physically. I am the Creator. I am the one with the power... Its one of the first steps to take. Responsibility for my life...and with this my whole persona, changed, my approach and my attitude shifted. I had no doubdts in my mind anymore, i am the ultimate player, i have the power...i always had it, i just was not concious of it. I was using it all along but on autopilot, by rules dictated by an outside world. A world outside of me i had no power of. I didnt think much longer, i grabbed my bag and ran to 7eleven on the corner of our street and bought that lotto ticket.. $29 million dollar jackpot. Its mine. Loss was not even on the list of options. It was a quick pick thats how real and unshaken i stood. Eight o clock in the evening came fast, and surprised i was not when i saw my numbers matching with the winning ones on the screen. My legs went numb. I knew it! The game was cracked just like that. My bliss was at its peak, confirming everything i knew was true.felt like a windows and doors were slammed open for me and the world proved to be the ultimate playground that is. Best part was about to come yet. I knew this is happening but nobody else. The look on my bf's face when i said it: "I won the lotto" I screamed it again. I won, i won i won!!! 29 million dollars! He didnt believe me. His eyes were huge, like a statue he sat on the couch. "No way" he said. I was jumping up and down in extasy. We are rich! Some tears came out of my eyes. He realised i am not joking.. i show him the ticket..he was still speechless "no way" he said again. I knew it. I knew i am the one who will pull him out of the struggle. I knew im the one for him. He knew he choose well. We are rich, this is the dream of our lifes. He stood up and. We were all screaming like crazy people. The kids were jumping around screaming. He asked to see the ticket. I handed it to him, pulled up the lotto app. He placed the ticket next to the numbers on the screen. Its a Match. Im the winner.. we are the winners. He screamed again, i screamed , we all screamed. This is crazy! I cant believe it. We started screaming again looking at eachother. We just knew, our lives is never to be the same again. We on top of the couch now jumping. Kobe is barking, running circles around us. Unbelievable but true. We continued like this for another 15 mins then settled down tired. What now? I scribbled my name and address on the back, took pics of the winning lotto ticket and placed it in my wallet. What now? I told him i want to go see this particular house i saw on zillow. I want it, i want to go on a trip to Jamaica and Mexico and Hawaii. We started talking about how we divide the money , invest and give to friends and family, buy a house in my home country, give the gift of an awesome wedding to my sister.go on shopping sprees and Disneyland with the kids. Get a cat. Go on Bentinho Massaro resorts and further my knowledge of life's awesomnesses, share my experience, say thank you, show gratitude, help others with story. Two weeks later the $18 million was in my account. It was done. Life is just that awesome, that's how it supposed to be. I am God, you are God, we are all Gods. The veil is lifted. Know what excites u and know u can do that be that. Love yourself to give yourself your hearts desire. Write your own story. This is your story, or mine, or the next strangers. We are all one. Made of one. Part of one. Everything is the one. Alpha and omega.

#god #mystory #amazing #nolimits #dreamyourlife #inspiration #motivation

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