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i-writes-things · 3 years

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Pranks.

Avengers x reader

Summary- Y/n and Peter prank Natasha

Warnings- Swearing, alcohol

(+) platonic story

Not my gif*

"Don't. Y/n you better be hearing me. It's a horrible idea, ok?" Steve says hoping you wouldn't do it.

"Ok." Knowing you were going to do it anyway, you walk out to meet Peter in his car, Tony gave him.

"Where to, Y/n/n?" Peter asks happily

"Target. I'm pranking Nat." you say steadily.

Peter slams on the break in the middle of the parking lot of the Compound.

"What?! No you must be joking?"

You laugh at his stressed face.

"No I'm not, I'm actually pranking her."

Peter smirks "I want in, but the blame is on you."

"mm, one condition, you do my chores for a week."

"Ugh, deal."

You make him shake your hand and your off to Target for supplies.

~~~~~

"Ok go over the list again." Peter asks you

"Really Peter I just told you. TWICE!" You say annoyed with him.

2 Water guns

1 gallon of water

duck tape

Peter's stuff to make more web fluid.

Confetti canon and red and black confetti

"Ok when do we set up?" Peter asks nervously

"Tonight after dinner, we can set up most of it but the rest will have to be set up tomorrow morning." You noticed his nervous face

"Don't be so nervous spidey-boy. We'll be fine." You say reassuring him and yourself.

~~~~~

(At Dinner that night)

"Tony told me, you and Peter went out to shop. What did you guys gets?" Natasha asked, eating dinner.

"Uh- I don't not much, some snacks for movie night, right Peter, What did you pick out again."

"I- Uh, I picked out some, uh water guns-" you elbow him in the ribs "P- pretzels for movie night, yeah."

"What'd you get water guns for? The pool?" She asks you feeling something was off.

"Yeah me and Peter were going to have a water gun fight tomorrow so..." You say defending you and Peter.

Thor chimes in annoyingly "Hahh, they brought in Confetti earlier!" he takes a drink of his beer.

"Confetti?" Tony asks suspiciously

"Yea-" Peter cuts you off

"We were going to get to shoot confetti on the loser of the water gun fight."

"How do you 'win' a water gun fight?" Bruce asks the two of you.

"Well whoever gets wet first, obviously." You say adding a fake laugh at the end, hoping that would help your case.

Which it did.

Once dinner was over you and Peter went to sneak things down by the conference room that Natasha had told you she had a early meeting in, the next morning.

You and Peter set everything up that you could and hid it to the best of your ability.

Sneaking back to the living area from the office area was much more difficult though.

First you had to get past the common room and the kitchen.

Peter and you walk past Steve and Tony not even being noticed as they were watching "Back to the future"

Next was the kitchen, which was a bit more populated at this time of night.

You are sitting right outside the door in the hallway in between the Kitchen and Common room waiting for Peter to come back.

"Psst- Y/n." You look up and over at him

"What did you find, Petie?" You ask him as he sits next to you.

"It's not Petie." He said quickly "Wanda and Clint are talking and Fury walked in to talk with Natasha."

"Damn, Nat's in there, really hoping she would be somewhere else."

"Where else would she be? Hiding in her room?"

"Ok, fine nevermind."

"We could just say we were watching the movie with Steve and Tony." Peter suggests

"That the movie was getting boring, so we're going to bed now"

"Yeah sounds perfect!"

"Let's go then, Mister Tingle!" You exclaim kinda loud

Peter stops infront of you and turns around

"It is NOT peter tingle, or Mister tingle or Petie its peter my name is peter." He says in a mad whisper yell to you

You are trying so hard to hold laughter back.

"C-come on." You grabs his arm laughing and walk right into the kitchen

Wanda and Clint are the first to notice you two

"Hey Y/n/n, when do you and Peter get out of school again?"

"2:15, why?" You say to Wanda

"We were planing to go out and do something, fun!" Clint says to the two of you

"Well, goodnight Wands, night Clint!" You hug both Wanda and Clint, Peter does the same after you.

"Thanks for telling me Nick." Natasha smiles at the man, he pats her shoulder and goes to leave.

Peter and you walk as fast as possible trying to leave the room before Natasha notices you.

"Y/n. Peter?" Natasha says which makes your and Peter's heart's drop to the floor

"Hi." You say turning around a few steps from the door, Natasha walks over to you and she has her arms crossed on her chest

"Hi!" Peter says, quite a delayed response from him.

"Hi, Peter." She says smiling at him

He awkwardly smiles and shyly waves at her

You roll your eyes "What you two, up to?" Nat asks you

"Well, I don't know about Peter, but I'm going to sleep." You nudge Peter to talk

"I- uh. I am also going to sleep, early morning, um tomorrow." Peter says nervously

"Oh? really, where? In Y/n's bed?" Natasha asks smirking at him

"What?! no- No I- we aren't together- " You cut him off

"Goodnight Natasha, see you in the morning!" You do your best to hide your laughter and give her a hug goodnight.

~~~~~

"6:36?" Your alarm clock blares into your eyes

You get up and go wake Peter up with water.

"Ahh- wha. Y/n?" Peter looks at you sleepily soaked in water

"Babahhahah" You laugh as he gets up and changes

"Thanks, for waking me." He says monotone shaking his head to get some water out of his hair.

You both walk downstairs and decide against breakfast because of the time.

7:30 flashes on the oven in the kitchen as you and Peter leave quickly hearing Rocket and Peter Quill yelling at each other coming into the kitchen.

You were hiding behind a curtain on the wall almost excited to prank Natasha, and so was Peter right next you setting up the up the water guns as you filled them with water.

The next thing you knew was that Peter had you suspended in the air right above the middle of the hallway holding the confetti canon.

The canon was to big to hide behind the curtains so this was your only other option.

If peter let go you would fall canon first on the ground.

Now you waited, she was supposed to come out any minute.

8:00

8:10

8:15

The time was going by too slowly and the canon was starting to get heavy.

*click* The door unlocked

You and Peter both at the ready

Your hand hovering over the go button and Peter had made something so he didn't even have to touch the water guns.

People flooded out, couldn't see Natasha. Hearing her instead, laughing.

She said goodbye and walked out stopping to look at her phone, getting a call from Tony.

You had asked Morgan to call Natasha when Peter texted her too.

Natasha talked with Morgan for a few seconds noticing it wasn't Tony.

So many thing happened at the same time.

The water guns went off soaking Natasha's work suit and her whole body

You hit the canon button and got pushed back up to the ceiling then went back down letting go of the canon and Peter wasn't expecting it. The web holding you up left his hand. You fell at Natasha's feet crushing the canon but just burst out laughing once you got the site of her.

her whole body soaked and dripping in water with confetti sticking to her all over her wet work suit.

She stared down at you.

You got up quickly and said "It was Peter's fault."

Peter comes out of the curtains "It was not me." He pouted

She pulled you close to her face still with confetti on it, there was anger in her eyes, but you couldn't help but laugh at the site

"Go to your room. Now." She said scarily calm

"Sorry." You said and she eyed you, next Peter

It looked like he would shit himself on the spot "Tony can punish you, I'm not your mother." she said angrily at him

"Sorry, Miss Romanoff I-" Natasha cut him off with a stare and he gulped scared for his life.

You still hadn't left yet, wanting to see what would happen to Peter.

She turned to see you standing near her.

You instantly turn around the second you make eye contact with her, going at a run to your room.

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olimpias · 3 years

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OC INTRODUCTION *IVY*

full name: Ivy Félicité Montcroix

age: 19-23

orientation: pansexual (she/her)

appearance: c. 5′2 (160 cm); black hair that is carefully put into finger waves; rather stocky, but sporty; round, brown eyes; not as pale as Alex, but not exactly tanned; nose and ears are slightly too big, but that makes her look even cuter

personality: sweet, but direct; always states her opinion; doesn’t care what others think of her; relatively easy to manipulate; receptive to flattery; sometimes a bit slow on the uptake; has a broken heart that is slowly healing, but upside down

Ivy, sweet Ivy. Always cheerful, always in a good mood, always up for a prank. No wonder she and Alex have always been partners in crime. They are kindred spirits.

Inside, however, she is not always in such high spirits. In fact, her heart is terribly sick. It started when her mother left her father and moved away from Paris to Manchester. At the time, Ivy was just seven years old and didn't yet understand the reason for the separation, but as she grew older, she learned that her father had been a con man who made his money by wrapping rich old widows around his finger and stealing from them through their teeth.

She spent her youth in a boarding school for senior daughters in Scotland, far away from everyone she knew and eventually developed a crush on a girl three years older than her who offered her cocaine, which she never got off.

To this day, she is made up of the splinters of her heart, but held together by her unwavering will. She does all kinds of things that good young ladies are not supposed to do. Her latest adventure is her own aeroplane. She is an excellent pilot, as well as a driver, and has won many races, but mostly she sits with Alex and Clarence at the Cosmopolitan, pursuing her sugary thoughts, always with a glass of champagne.

taglist under the cut (ask to be +/-)

@alias-levi @hildy-dont-be-hasty @writerlywonders @buster-keaton @rememberedkisses @writingbyjillian @tragediesoftory @bulletgirl @bookphobe @ravens-and-rivers @ildsjels @mayawritesbooks @plutoslittlecosmos

#c: ivy #oc intro #oc introduction #my writing #my wip #oc intro post #cosmopolitan #writeblr #amwriting #cosmopolitan character intro

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hello-yue-here · 3 years

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fun lil suki headcannons cuz i am bored (this boutta be a whoooole series babe):

in canon headcannons:

-suki and whoever you ship her with adopt children who were orphaned because of the war. i hc suki as an orphan of war herself and i think shed wanna take care of kids like her the way that her parents did (i think someone on kyoshi adopted her)

-ty lee teachers her how to chi block and they start a lifelong game where they play tag but w chi blocking (yes i did watch tag the other day w my fam and i like this idea)

-suki is the master of chu blocking tag. its nearly impossible to get her out

-(although i have not read the comics and honeslty im kinda scared to because a lot of ppl have many many criticisms ab them) when shes zukos body guard in the fire nation the two of them like to drink tea together sometimes and she becomes very good at making tea

-suki loves to play pranks on members of the gaang. i think shes secretly the most playful member of the gaang (after aang ofc)

-one time she pranked sokka by moving everything in his room to the opposite side so it mirrored how it was before and it took him 2 weeks to notice because it was such a perfect mirror of how it usually was

-suki loves fireflakes and is the only person besides zuko mai ty lee and azula who can eat them without complaint

-suki trains with master piandao and the yuyan archers and becomes a master in sword fighting and archery

-she adopts the eel-hound that she sokka and toph traveled with on the day of sozins comet and names it senshi (japanese for fighter)

modern au headcannons

-modern suki is a hat gal. beanies. baseball caps. cowboy hats. bandanas (not rlly a hat but still). you name it suki rocks it better than any mf u ever met.

-she is an MCU stan. her favorite avenger is black widow but she also like thor.

-suki is a slut for seafood. she will eat anything from the ocean. literally anything. she loves any and all seafood.

-the gaang thinks suki is a reckless driver but shes easily the best driver out of all of them. they just dont realize it because she goes really really fast. homegirl knows what shes doin tho.

-she cries very easily at sad movies but if you catch her crying no you didnt.

-her favorite color is sage green. duh.

-tiktok famous for makeup videos and self defense tutorials. getchu a girl who can do both.

headcannons that work for both:

-she gets a pixie cut at some point in her life

-prefers to be the big spoon whenever shes cuddling someone

-an awful chef. will burn water.

-her organizational skills are unmatched. shes also really good at finding things. yk how u lose something and then u tell ur mom and she can find it in two seconds? yeah like that.

-suki is a short girl with tall girl energy

#suki #atla #avatar the last airbender #suki headcanon #mai or yue is next i havent decided #i love suki if you cant tell.#half of these apply to me because i relate to suki so hard lmao

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lovelyparkers · 4 years

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nat’s sister

summary: peter wants to win you over so he goes to your intimidating older sister for help. peter x fem!avenger reader

warnings: fluff literally what else it's peter, 861 words

most of the avengers knew of peter's crush he had on you. even your sister. and to peter, your sister was the most intimidating person on this planet. of course she had an extremely soft side when it came to the people she loved, kids, and cats, but that didn't happen often. natasha did, however, have a soft side reserved just for you, and she did anything to make you happy. even when being trained ruthlessly for hours on end in the training gym.

peter knew that nat loved how 'great of friends' you and him were, so peter hoped that soft side would transfer through you to him. because he had to talk to nat, about you. no one knew you better. he knew nat would help him win you over fully, because gosh was he so infatuated with you.

he would spend hours sitting with you outside, goof off in the training room with you, prank the avengers, fight each other etc. and at breakfast, where everyone was required to sit together, he spent his time staring at you.

like he was doing right now.

you sat across the table from peter, nat right by your side. you were clueless to peter's staring every morning, but nat now took notice of this daily, turning her brows together in confusion. this spider boy was looking at this spider's sister. (hahah get it bc black widow! haha)

after everyone started to clean up and part their ways after a long, conversation filled breakfast, besides peter staring at you, nat stayed behind. she knew peter was always the last to leave, but today she wanted to be. she got another cup of coffee and sat back down, this time across from peter.

peter lost sight of you leaving and now stared blankly at nat. he wanted to talk to her but was so frightened. she had a stare that could kill you and he didn't want to get caught in that. but he managed to find a little tiny piece of confidence in there to whisper out,

"nat?"

nat looked up from her coffee.

"yes?"

"i um," peter scanned the room quickly, "i uh i wanna ask you about y/n."

again, she furrowed her brows at him, "about?"

nat knew what he wanted to say, but if she was gonna let you date him, he had to say it. she wanted someone good and honest for you. she knew peter could be that person if he wanted to. and she secretly hoped he would.

"y/n...well you know," he gestured, "i like her...a lot."

"i know, and?"

peter was sweating by now, nervous over nat and nervous you would walk in and hear.

"ireallywannaaskheroutbutidontknowhowandyourehersistersoithoughtiwouldaskyou."

nat got what he was saying, "okay first of all, when you ask her out don't talk so fast. you have to seem confident when you ask her out."

"okay," peter nodded, "let's try that again. i really wanna ask her out but i dont know how and you're her sister so i thought i would ask you?"

"better," she nodded, "so just ask her out. she loves flowers, but not roses because their tacky. get her daisies. they're her favorite. and compliment her. she didn't grow up with that, she only had me. and again, be confident she will say yes. because she will."

"what?"

"she obviously likes you too! now go before she forgets about you," nat joked, laughing and shooing peter away.

peter returned to the compound a half hour later with daises in his arms, walking to your door to ask you out. he stood outside your door rehearsing what he was gonna say. he was a little sweaty from nerves (and also running to the florist) and his hair was messy but he thought it was okay because one time you said you liked his hair when it was messy.

he finally let out a breath and knocked once and you opened the door.

"peter!" you noticed the flowers in his hands, "what's going on?"

he held up the flowers to you and asked, "y/n will you go out with me?"

he smiled when you smiled taking the flowers from him.

"of course i will peter."

"really?!"

"yeah. i like you. like so much," you laughed.

"oh good, i thought she was lying."

"who?"

"uh, nat?"

"you talked to my sister!? oh my god that's great."

peter laughed, looking down and smiling after.

you grabbed his hand, "c'mon, let's go find nat and tell her first."

"i would like that, then we can go on a date?"

"of course."

you kissed his cheek before pulling him to the training room to find your sister, and peter's hopefully future sister in law ;)

lil short one tn!

#peter parker imagine

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mafiamamaj · 5 years

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Here's an Endgame fix-it I would love but don't have the patience to write.

So, Steve goes back in time. Everybody's all pissed because its so out of character, and why is Peggy worth more than Tony or Bucky, all that. But, hear me out.

Steve goes back and the first thing he does is find Peggy and Howard. Convince them its really him, somehow get them to believe the time travel nonsense, all that. They play it up like he survived the crash and found his way home because it's only been like, a week, if that, since the Valkryie went down.

Steve gets Howard and Peggy to help him look for Bucky. He has a vague idea of where he should be at this point, but no solid details, so it takes a little while. This derails any interest Howard had in the Manhattan Project, especially since Steve is Very Vocal about his hatred of the idea.

(Now, I dont have the knowledge to even begin to theorize what would have happened in a reality where Steve Rogers was around to Loudly and Publicly as Captain America declare his disapproval of something as huge and significant as the Manhattan Project. For the sake of my brain, we are going to say that they met a lot more resistance than they otherwise would have, but it still happened because the American Government is awful.)

They find Bucky within a few years of Steve's crash and survival. Obviously he's still all kinds of fucked up because of torture, experimentation, cryo, etc. But 5-6 years is a whole he'll of a lot different than 70+. Shield still gets built, honestly Steve couldn't imagine it with any other name, but Bucky's return reveals that Hydra is still around and that Operation Paperclip was a bad idea (Zola). So they clean house early. Peggy becomes Director because Howard is to busy with his tech, and Steve and Bucky both said no. They do work for the newly built Shield though, running ops and hunting Hydra. They also might as well be married. Its still illegal for the time, so they're careful, but all the people who matter to them know and none of them care that the Captain and his Sargeant are doing the horizontal mambo.

Steve was friends with Tony, even if it didn't work out that well. And for all their differences, well earned and understandable, Tony and Howard had a lot more in common than Tony would ever want to admit. So Steve learns from the mistakes he made with Tony, and keeps Howard from turning into the monster he was in Tony's memories.

He mother hen's Howard into drinking less, drags him out to socialize more(Bucky is a huge help with that), calls him out when he's being a dick, and puts him in his place when his ego, or his head, gets too big for his britches.

Howard gets Steve to actually sell his art, builds him neat gadgets and armor, teases him to no end about Bucky, and is consistently endangering both of their lives on his never ending quest to get Steve drunk. (Bucky might have more sense than both of them, but he's also an adrenaline junkie with a hard-on for mechanical anything, so he is no help whatsoever and Peggy constantly despaired that the fate of the world lies with these overgrown children.)

When Howard marries Maria, Steve stands up for him at the wedding. The first time Howard made Maria cry because he ignored her/forgot something important/said something mean without meaning too, Steve beat him over the head and gave him a Captain America lecture, made Howard bake an apology cake himself, then dragged Howard back to Stark manner to apologize. The second time it happened, Bucky showed up in whatever place Howard had fallen asleep, dressed in full combat gear, cussed him out in Russian and threatened to shoot him. The third and last time it happened, Peggy showed up in Howard's lab, had him tied up before he even new she was there, and calmly informed him of exactly how she would torture him into a slow and agonizing death, as well as how exactly, she would get away with it.

Howard still forgot things, and could be careless with his time, but they never let him get bad, never let him forget how much he Did Not deserve Maria. And when Tony was born they were there for him. Steve refused to let Howard ignore his son, dragged him (figuratively) the first time Howard showed any sign of jealousy towards Tony. It wasn't perfect, nothing could be. But this Tony would grow up with a bumbling inventor of a father who was only forgetful and easily distracted, rather than an alcholic with a mean streak. He would have a mother who wasn't afraid of her husband and would love him even if she didn't always understand him.

He would have a godfather, his Uncle Steve, who would teach him to fight, to stand up for what was right no matter what, who would play games with him, paint with him, love him.

He would have his Uncle Bucky, who would share his interest in all things mechanical, would listen to music with him, take apart and build machines with him, teach him dirty jokes and play pranks on his Dad or Uncle Steve, who would listen to all of his ideas and tell him he could do anything.

He would have his godmother, Aunt Peggy, who would teach him how to play the game that is high society, would teach him how to charm the socks (rather pants) off of anyone, male, female, or otherwise, who would help him when emotions got to difficult, or people didn't make sense the way he thought they should.

Steve would find the others too. Phil did alright on his own, but everyone else...

Shield would be looking for the Red Room from the start. Maybe they find Natasha as a child, or a teenager, but they would find her, because Steve would want to save her after all the times she saved him. She would get placed with a loving family, probably a shield agent and their spouse. She would have therapy, but even a couple of years with the Red Room would mess her up. She would eventually end up an agent herself, still the Black Widow, just a little less damaged. A hero because she wants to be, knows what it means to be saved by one, rather than a way to repent and repay the lives that she took.

They would find Clint probably around the time Barney and Trickshot turned on him, before he had a chance to start on his mercenary career. Therapy, maybe a shield agent foster parent for a year or two depending on his age. They would make no secret about recruiting him, but he would jump at it. Nat would probably already be there, and nothing would stop that friendship. Coulson is probably a few years ahead of them, though not many, and if there is anyone who could reign in Hawkeye, even a slightly less damaged version, it would be Phil Coulson.

Tony meets Bruce. Howard takes Steve's admittedly limited knowledge of Bruce's past and tracks down the kid. Creates a scholarship to get him to a private school and away from his dad. They meet at a Stark expo in their early teens and immediately hit it off. Bruce is one of the only people who can keep up with Tony's genius. When Tony ends up at MIT (sometime between the ages of 14-16) Bruce ends up at Harvard. They share an apartment, because the dorms would have been a disastrous idea. Steve and Bucky live with them because they might be super geniuses but you can't send two teenagers to live alone in another city Howard! Especially not when they have access to dangerous and/or explosive chemicals/tech!

Likely, Howard will still die at some point, probably from all the liquor. Fury will probably still end up as Shield's director because neither Steve or Bucky will want the responsibility. Tony will take over SI, but will still eventually hire Pepper, and eventually promote her, because running a company is never going to be his thing.

Bruce will probably still end up at Culver with Betty, if only because he's actually halfway decent at the whole teacher thing, and the Hulk incident will likely still happen one way or another. Having Steve Rogers alive would not stop men like Ross from wanting the serum. Instead of disappearing for years on end, He'll end up in Tony's tower in NYC. Tony will likely still be kidnapped, though he probably would not have the Obadiah Stane factor involved, and would still end up as Iron Man.

They would "find" the Steve still frozen and thaw him out around that time. Play it off like they found someone for Old Steve to pass the mantle onto. Give Young Steve a new identity, and a family in Old Steve and Bucky.

Young Steve would make friends with Tony, would have time to grieve his lost world without an alien invasion. Would move into the tower and mother hen Tony the way Old Steve used to do to Howard. Tony would not have all the Cap resentment he did in the original timeline, so he would get to know Young Steve as just Steve. Would be able to see him as an entirely seperate person from his godfather, because they are two separate people. Young Steve and Tony would fall in love.

Even if they weren't running it Old Steve and Bucky would still have a hand in Shiled. Would keep an eye on Natasha and Clint. They would have likely met Tony, Bruce, and Young Steve. So when the Chitauri roll in, the only one that wouldn't already be a part of the group is Thor and he fits in seamlessly. Coulson might still get hurt, but Fury wouldn't have to fake his death, because the Avengers would have been a team years before they were needed.

And when the time came to face Thanos again, they would do it as a united front, and they would win. Because together, they are unstoppable.

#avengers #avengers endgame #avengers endame spoilers #endgame fix it #tony x steve #stevebucky #steve rogers #stevetony #stony #stucky

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caws5749 · 4 years

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This took SO LONG thanks @natthisback

1: Name Madison

2: Age 21

3: 3 fears spiders, not becoming a doctor, becoming like my parents

4: 3 things i love marvel movies, my blanket (whoops), and scrunchies

5: 4 turn ons compliment me, be chivalrous, (idk if this means sex turn on too or not but) moaning my n- ANYWHO uh and the last one definitely like showing you want me

6: 4 turn offs someone who only talks about themselves, being like wishy washy, being arrogant/cocky, complaining about the same things

7: my best friend that would be shea @cloversofshea

8: sexual orientation lesbian

9: my best first date okay SO this like isn’t a first date but it was my first like nicer dinner date so I’m gonna count it. It was just this past weekend actually and i just i loved it so much it was amazing

10: how tall am i 5’2

11: what do i miss honestly, feeling like i was good at things

12: what time were i born 11:14am

13: favorite color purple, although it’s slowly been turning to like a baby light pink

14: do i have a crush yes yes i do and i likes her a lot

15: favorite quote “Truth is a matter of circumstance. It’s not all things to all people all the time. And neither am I.”

16: favorite place Chicago or New York City

17: favorite food SALMON

18: do i use sarcasm yes, but i feel like i don’t use it as much as i used to

19: what am i listening to right now Christmas pop playlist on Spotify

20: first thing i notice in new person whether they only talk about themselves

21: shoe size 8 or 8.5

22: eye color blue

23: hair color right now, it’s a brown that goes to blond at my ends

24: favorite style of clothing so if this means like fav style to wear daily, definitely athleisure. If it means in general, i love love love preppy looks? But not super preppy.

25: ever done a prank call? Absolutely, many times

27: meaning behind my url i explain this in my about me page (linked in bio!)

28: favorite movie captain America winter soldier

29: favorite song i don’t really have favorite songs but rn it’s prob December night by Michael buble

30: favorite band i don’t really have fav bands

31: how i feel right now it’s really hot in here, so warm. I feel okay

32: someone i love i love lots of people but ill stick with @cloversofshea

33: my current relationship status I’ve answered this so many times literally just look at the ask game tag

34: my relationship with my parents um yikes

35: favorite holiday Halloween

36: tattoos and piercing i have i have 6 tattoos! “Breathe” on my right inner ankle, a heart on left shoulder, heart w equal sign in it behind right ear, basically an ecg on my left inner ankle, Aquarius symbol on right bicep, and caws 5749 on my left side. And my ears are pierced.

37: tattoos and piercing i want definitely the black widow symbol in the same place Scarlett got her og6 tattoo, an amino acid tattoo that spells out “wah” , definitely more little tattoos! And maybe more ear piercings idk

38: the reason i joined tumblr so, I’ve had a tumblr for many many years. I originally joined bc my best friends at the time had them, and i was like sure! Ive deleted that personal blog since, and started my new personal blog a few years ago. I also have a studyblr that i started i think back in high school, and i just started this blog back in the end of July!

39: do i and my last ex hate each other no, I’d say far from it bc i likes her a lot

40: do i ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts yes from her and i fucking love it, it used to be a bigger thing almost every day and i loved it

41: have i ever kissed the last person i texted lmao no and for those who were wondering it is @cloversofshea

42: when did i last hold hands LMAO WITH @michelinaamour WHEN I WAS STUMBLING HOME DRUNK IN HIGH HEELS

43: how long does it take me to get ready in the morning it depends, anywhere from ten minutes to an hour and a half

44: have you shaved your legs in the past three days no! I am super lucky and have really light colored hairs on my legs and so i dont’ have to shave very often. Also i just want to say that i personally love shaving my legs and it is my choice to do so.. girls, you do not need to shave!!

45: where am i right now so i started answering this in the research lab, but i am currently sitting at one of the dining places on campus finishing it

46: if i were drunk and can’t stand, who’s taking care of me LMAO DEFINITELY @michelinaamour because she’s done it ALREADY FOR ME MULTIPLE TIMES

47: do i like my music loud or at a reasonable level it depends, in car trips, definitely blast it. But just driving around or listening in doors, definitely reasonable level

48: do i live with my mom and dad nope i live with @michelinaamour

49: am i excited for anything yes, I’m excited for lots of things. I get excited easily

50: do i have someone of the opposite sex i can tell everything to no. I used to

51: how often do i wear a fake smile this is a really interesting question. I don’t consider smiles i give to random people like ordering food or something to be fake, so i would say fake smiles are when I’m not okay and trying to hide it. Which happens less often now bc I’m just much happier of a person

52: when was the last time i hugged someone I think it was @michelinaamour two days ago but i think i hugged @cloversofshea that day too so

53: what if the last person i kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me I’d be heartbroken tbh

54: is there anyone i trust even though i should not yes, certain adults in my life

55: what is something i disliked about today my hair won’t do what i want it to :(

56: if i could meet anyone on this earth who would it be probably Chris Evans or Scarlett Johansson

57: what do i think about the most tumblr and everything with that, or probably her or school stuff definitely

58: what’s my strangest talent i don’t think i have any lol

59: do i have any strange phobias yes definitely haha, I’m terrified of stepping on worms

60: do i prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it i think a few years ago i would have said behind, but honestly I think I’d love to be in front of the camera now

61: what was the last lie i told i actually don’t know. Maybe this past weekend as to like the fact that i was going out on a date instead of just going out with a friend

62: do i prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online I’d say talking on the phone bc then they cant’ see me lmao

63: do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Yes and yes

64: do i believe in magic? Yes, or at least, that’s what i tell myself

65: do i believe in luck yes

66: what’s the weather like right now snowy!

67: what was the last book I’ve ever read The Butchering Art, it’s about the history of surgery

68: do i like the smell of gasoline omg yes yes yes yes yes yes

69: do i have any nicknames yes, madz, madi, girl who lives by the kitchen, queen (a new one) and clown (also a new one) thanks @natthisback

70: what was the worst injury I’ve ever had back in freshman year of college, i did something stupid and my foot swelled up like hell and hurt so bad. There were no fractures detected but the swelling stayed for a really long time, as well as the bruising and pain, and it never returned to normal

71: do i spent my money or save it SPEND IT BABY

72: can i touch my nose w my tongue no I’m not that talented

73: is there anything pink in 10 ft from me. Hmm part of my backpack? And my rings are pinkish bc they are rose gold. Oh and my scrunchie is pink, as well as my iPad

74: favorite animal cat

75: what was i doing last night at 12am i was still at work In the emergency room!

76: what do i think satan’s last name is uh honestly Jim lmao (it’s demons Jim! @cloversofshea )

77: what’s a song that always makes me happy when i hear it so good by dove Cameron

78: how can you win my heart suggest we watch a marvel movie, and I’m prob straight up in love. There are other things too but they’re pretty general, like compliment me, show you want me ya know

79: what would i want to be written on my tombstone haha, as a joke, “so realy its very thing. Just to keep everyone guessing.” But idk something funny

80: what is my favorite word i have no idea, maybe like sophisticated or something like that or aesthetic , champagne is a good one too

81: my top 5 blogs on tumblr ooh! Okay so @markiplier @lesbian-deadpool @americasass-romanoff @lesbianmariahilll @shining-rey-of-sunshine but i love so so so so so many more, and i have a lot of top blogs

82: if the whole world were listening to me right now what would i say fuck trump also I’m gay as hell and I’m growing tired of hiding it from people

83: do i have any relatives in jail not that i know of

84: i accidentally eat some radioactive vegatables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super power of my choice! What is that power lmao this question is great. Prob same powers as Wanda

85: what would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on any weird fetis- JUST KIDDING. Do you still think about them?

86: what is my current desktop picture so on my laptop, it’s fall flowers. But since that’s broken af, i use my iPad and that background is one of the apple ones. It’s just a beach idk why but I’ve never changed it

87: had sex WHY IS THIS IN EVERY SINGLE ASK GAME WTF

88: bought condoms nope i am gay as hell bye

89: gotten pregnant nope i am gay as hell bye

90: failed a class nope, definitely come close though

91: kissed a boy yes

92: kissed a girl yes

93: have i ever kissed somebody in th rain honestly, probably at some point, but I’ve never had one of those romantic kisses in the rain. I really really want to though and i think about it a lot

94: had job yeah, I’ve had three true jobs

95: left the house without my wallet probably

96: bullied someone on the internet no bc I’m not a fucking douche

97: had sex in public not yet

98: played on a sports team yeah, played softball and basketball in middle school

99: smoked weed yeah, but i didn’t get high

100: did drugs nope

101: smoked cigarettes nope, i think i asked drunk once if i could smoke, but my friend was like “really?” And i was like uhhhhhh just kidding haha

102: drank alcohol lmao i drink fucking all the time i mean. I literally have drunk writing nights , I’m drinking tonight too

103: am i a vegetarian/vegan i was a vegetarian for a while, and then an aspiring vegan, and then vegetarian, and then pescatarian now!

104: been overweight no

105: been underweight yes

106: been to a wedding yeah, but like not for a long time. I was like 4 and the flower girl. Oh WAIT. Does playing a wedding count? I played cello at a wedding so i was there???

107: been on the computer for 5 hours straight hell yeah, how would i function not doing this with class and relaxing

108: watched tv for 5 hours straight lmao definitely

109: been outside my home country yeah

110: gotten my heart broken yeah

111: been to a professional sports game yeah. I don’t really do sports though , so when i go it’s usually in suites and I’m just there for the food

112: broken a bone nope!

113: cut myself this is...a. Really deep question but bc i want to be able to speak about mental health on here, the answer is yes.

114: been to prom yes! I went to my junior and senior proms!

115: been in airplane too many times

116: fly by helicopter no, I’m not sure if i want to do this or not

117: what concerts have i been to I’ve been to lots. So first off, I’ve been to hundreds of classical concerts (and performed in them). As for pop, Bruno mars twice, maroon five like three times. Selena Gomez. Josh groban. American authors. Definitely others that i don’t remember

118: had a crush on someone of the same sex yes I’m fucking gay

119: learned another language so if this means fluent, no. I took a decent amount of French and am learning Russian right now!

120: wore make up absolutely. When i choose to wear makeup, its because i fuckign love makeup haha. Most days I’m lazy though and like to let my skin breathe and be natural

121: lost my virginity before I was 18 no

122: had oral sex yeah

123: dyed my hair many times

124: voted in a presidential election okay i think so but honestly can’t remember. But I’m pretty sure i did.

125: rode in an ambulance no and i never want to.

126: had a surgery no and i never want to haha. Well i cant say that. Depending on how my life plays out, I might freeze my eggs or something.

127: met someone famous yes, several I think, but probably Henry winkler was the one I remember most.

128: stalked someone on a social network yeah

129: peed outside nope don’t think so and definitely don’t want to

130: been fishing yes I have been ice fishing and regular fishing

131: helped w charity i have!

132: been rejected by a crush I’ve been not liked back but i don’t think I’ve ever made like a move on a crush and been rejected

133: broken a mirror ooh i don’t think i have actually

134: what do i want for birthday nothing bc i dont’ like my bday

#madison speaks #ask game

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unravelling-the-world · 3 years

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I was trying my best, and another friend who always took pictures of us (we took pics of him as well dw) documented all of those moments, i even used a not-permanent spray color hair for that day just so the pictures could be special. I didn't particularly like myself, I never did ,but I was too busy to think about it. When i went out, i felt decent at least. Binder, thick under-eye red/black liner, just the perfect e-boy look i wanted. I felt that, as a pre-hrt person, I was looking as masc as I could while doing the style that makes me comfortable and I want to achieve. I was doing my best everytime we went out to look presentable in the pictures, and I did well 9/10 times. At some point, there was a light festival as well. I went with one friends and my cousin and we had fun. My friend and I took pictures, my cousin didn't want hers taken but we still interacted a lot and had fun, I loved the pics of that day. I never got to post them, because my downfall came soon after. At that point in time, I was finally living the dream. I posted frequently on ig (bc i went out frequently) and even though i wasn't anyone big, no partnerships or anything, not even 1k followers, I was growing, and having been intoxicated by fame at age 12, it was just what I needed. My posts started getting 70 likes on average and 7-10 comments, i only had 500 followers but they were growing at an average of 20 followers/month. A lil tween reached out to me and told me he thought I was really cool and was my fan. Bro, that was awesome. Things were moving forward, and altough i felt afraid of the future, I was working on it all. I was making progress in other aspects as well,having come out formally recently and with help from my psychologist, we were going to start looking into hrt, and i just couldn't believe it. I only have read fast and short info. I never really wanted to inform myself more because deep within me I was just afraid I'd never be able to get it and get my hopes up for nothing. We appointed a session to talk about that. This was march, and at my house, we watched a Japanese channel (because we are all interested in Japanese culture and such) So I knew the coronavirus was coming. They started talking about it since the start, in december, obviously, because they are way closer to where the virus started so it spread faster there. I remember it was on a cruise first. I knew it would eventually arrive here, so through all summer i told my mother "it's only a matter of time." I knew it'd come. March was here, and the last time i went out with my friends came along. Inside my head, I felt like I knew that was the last time. I had thoughts about "I wonder if i'll ever get to see a sight like this again". I managed to take some pictures, because,inside me, I knew that was the last time. I wanted to preserve the memory of it. I didn't want to forget. At the time, with a friend, who took the same metro line as me but lives further away, since it was just us two, when saying goodbye we'd always say "see you in five minutes" (like in endgame, because i told her the whole movie and told her when they said that and then black widow died) and she LAUGHED so hard and it became an ongoing joke between us (we are both kinda suicidal ngl but we just laugh abt it.) We said it that day as well, but we actually never saw each other again lmao

At that point, in the country, there were about 4 covid cases. Only 1 in the capital, so it had started, but was only just the start. When I got home, i kind of knew that was the last. My classes started, and for two weeks, it was hell on earth. Online,obviously. I got paired up with the guy I hated the most in the entire generation (I only knew half of them, and liked even fewer, but this guy. fuck. i would have killed him. he was awful.) Anyways. Yeah. But at the end, classes got postponed until further notice. So I was now a Neet! For a while, even though coronavirus was getting worse and worse here as everywhere, I was doing good. I was living the introvert dream, and since I have a decent/good relationship with my parents and grandma, life was just great. All around me I saw everyone struggle with quarantine. I was having a blast. Playing sims, watching anime, anything went. Shit was great. Got Gta V for free when epic released it, and had a blast. Got obsessed with obey me for a while. It was all fun.... Met via discord with my friends. Almost daily with certain friends, once in a while with others, but the whole group would be together at least once. It was good, for me. I felt good. I would ocassionally wake up and tell my mother that I was happy, and hug her. I don't think i'd ever done that. I was at peak, and I knew it. Drew a lot, played a lot. Did a lot of things and projects. Everything felt ok...My dysphoria wasn't great during these times (since now i stay in pajamas all day except when I use camara to meet with friends, and obviously I dont wear my binder with my pajamas) But i had so much free time, that I could just ignore it. (I'm good at avoiding things. at running away.)

Classes started June 1st. First day, I had a breakdown. I don't remember why, but I couldn't connect to class. I felt overwhelmed. I don't know and don't like asking for help because i feel useless when I do. So I didn't. Apparently I seemed more upset than I thought, because my dad noticed. When comforted or confronted, I always cry. I can't talk about my feelings without crying. I feel weak for expressing them. Even writing this, i feel the knot in my neck. My dad saw and ended up helping and comforting. I cried a lot. I went to class, but spent the whole 3 hours of class crying. Things were unstable for a while, but I was keeping afloat, I guess. I started feeling like shit, I wasn't happy daily anymore. Online learning felt so distant and so difficult and so different. I don't like change. At least not without expecting it beforehand. So yeah, that ended up taking a toll on my mental health. The downfall started. I was quite busy, but still tried to meet with friends via discord whenever we could. We had some online birthdays, and season 3 of osomatsu san had already been announced. I was looking forward to it so much. I was in pain, but that thought was keeping me going. I started getting worse, mentally. I started isolating myself ocasionally. I have quite long gaps from this period. I can't really recall much of what happened or what it was like. At some point around August-September I was watching 6teen, because my uni decided that starting a semester and compressing it into a trimester was a good idea, and finals were in september, i think. At the time of finals, i was watching 6teen. I didn't wanna finish it, so I started total drama after. I had a week of vacation in September as well, and I think I was OK for the week.

I won't lie. I don't remember october. I only know Osomatsu-san started here bc I waited for it all year long. I regained closer contact with a friend who lives in japan. Halloween also had an online meeting. I cosplayed, and felt good with myself for the night, for the first time in months. But I ended up having a breakdown later that night. A friend who didn't come and had said he'd come ended up arriving very late (2-3AM ish, meeting was at 10PM) He was very drunk. I don't mind. He says he just came to say sorry he didn't come bc he ended up meeting with irls. We tell him it's ok. He disconnects. He reconnects not long after, but we are confused, since that's not his voice. It was his friend who took his phone, a classic party prank. Doesn't matter, it was fun for a bit. This guy is also mad drunk, so talking to him is weird and funny. But shit gets bad for me in a bit. I was using a voice changer, as I usually do online, because Im ashamed of my high pitched voice. But this guy misgenders me, more than once, and also my friend who lives in japan. He doesn't seem to care, and I act like I don't, but it hurts so bad. My other friend who was there at that time corrects him, more than once. I felt thankful to her. I never thanked her afterwards because I didn't know how to bring out that topic without crying. This guy is very drunk though, and altough i doubt he had vile intentions because of the way he phrased it, he insists, that those are womans voices. They talk about it a bit, verbal comebacks. I wanted them to stop. At some point, my friend who lives in Japan leaves bc its lunch time for him. I felt like shit. I just told this other guy "I'm 10" and he dropped the subject, he believed me and the explanation. My friend laughed her ass out, because she thought I said it as a joke. Truth is, that was just a desperate answer to get him to drop the topic. I dont really care if he believed I was 10 or not though. I just wanted it to stop. He jokes with my friend for a bit more. I didn't talk much after, because I felt ashamed. I didn't want to talk ever again. Even now, even with the voice changer, I don't have the confidence I had when I started using it. I have lowered the pitch twice, just in case. My friend left the call a bit later. When she left, I left as well. I was thankful to her though. I don't remember if i cried or not, but it caused me a massive breakdown for about two weeks. I didn't talk online with anyone until my birthday, I think. I didn't tell anyone but my psychologist this.

I don't remember November much either. I know it's my birthday, and I know I came back to tumblr in november. Yall know when. Canon destiel and shit. Tumblr hadn't felt so alive in years. It felt like home. I remember I was having a bad breakdown during that time. I think it was career related. I can't really remember much. The shitshow happening on tumblr Destiel Election actually helped me get better. I remember this only because of a conversation I had with a friend. I started working on christmas decorations as well. December came along, I worked hard on christmas decorations. I played a bit as well, because on some of my classes I just didn't have anything to do lol. Decorations were finished two weeks in advance for christmas. For the first time ever! I was happy. During these times,Nov-Dec lockdowns started easing up a bit. I still can't go out at all though, because I live with my grandmother, so we're supposed to minimize risks. My parents only go out for shopping essentials that can't be bought online. So it's fair and I understand it, but it started becoming hard on mental health. Not because I can't go out, but because my friends start going out. They know I can't go, they don't exclude me, but they know I can't and I also know I can't. I guess in a form, its jealousy. It becomes hard because there's no one to blame. It's no one's fault. I'm not excluded on purpose, but the truth is, I don't want to hear them talk about what they do when they have fun. I've always been insecure. Even when all evidence points otherwise, I still believe, deep inside,they hate me. They wish I weren't in the group and would be better off without me. It gets hard sometimes.

Even though in general December was quite good, it also came with a major breakdown. One of my best friend's bday is in December. Up until then, Me, her, and another friend had been playing league of legends nearly daily. It was toxic sometimes (the game/community, not my friends) but we had fun. I just liked playing together. But that would come to an end as well. My friend celebrated her birthday, and did invite me, but obviously I couldn't go,and she knew this beforehand, so she didn't get mad or anything. She handled the situation very well, wrote on the gc once, and then did a special gc for birthday attendants to talk about details there and such, and reminded friends who asked in the gc to talk in the birthday gc. (this is how i knew, but i think it was well done tbh, i wish they'd just asked in the bday gc instead so i wouldn't have seen it and felt bad about how i couldn't go) My friend also offered to have me as an online guest, like, being in videocall in the computer on the table. like Karen from spongebob ig. the idea was cool, but honestly i felt bad. She celebrates her bday with her gf bc their dates are near, and I just didn't really want to inconvenience them? I mean, her gf is cool and she used to hang out with our group ocassionaly and she was cool and fit in, and it never felt awkward talking to her irl or anything but it's not like she's my friend and honestly I didn't wanna inconvenience her party, and even though I'm sure my friend wouldn't have minded, I didn't want to be an extra inconvenience for her too. I just wanted her to have fun, honestly. But feeling like a burden ended up weighing on my mind. This caused a bad bad breakdown, beforehand I had started to become better,little by little, but these two weeks waiting for that event to happen felt like a nightmare to me. I didn't tell anyone. I think i wrote it about here once. Around this time, an account on instagram called "matsunoadvice" got reccomended to me, and Oh boy Have I gone to them for advice. Of course, I sent them a message at the time, desperate for someone to talk to, because I couldn't tell anyone about this, because all my other friends know each other kinda and i didn't wanna inconvenience everyone. I didn't want anyone to know i felt like shit. I felt thankful to my friend, because she did try her best to include me, I just didn't really wanna inconvenience anyone. I guess I'd rather suffer alone myself than being a pain in the ass for someone else. After all, I've accepted that I'm alone long ago, and since now there's nothing I can do to maintain my social relationships now,I may as well just accept that theyre ending now. I kind of isolated myself for those two weeks, sometimes i would still connect on discord, but it always felt kind of distant. I stopped playing league of legends around this time.

I still hadn't confirmed to my friend if i was virtually going or not. Truth is, i kind of knew I probably wouldn't want to go in the end, bc im Like That™ But i told her in advance that i'd let her know the date of the event early in the day because of how unstable I am and I wouldn't actually be sure until the day (which was true when I told her) So the day of the event i told her that I was thankful but I wouldn't be assisting virtually and told her to have a great day! She replied okay in a nice way as she always did. I don't think she seemed weirded out by my answer. I hope she didn't feel bad, because she's very empathetic so I hope she didn't think about me at all that day. I hope she never reads this, and even if she does, she didn't really do anything wrong and handed the situation the best she could, the pain was unevitable for me due to the situation. beforehand i had also had a similar breakdown though, because 3 friends who i was/am? still very close to started meeting each other to skate together. I don't know how to skate/have never skated and obviously can't go either way, and sometimes they'd talk about it in the vc. I remained calm always until the call ended,but I did cry about it late at night. It's selfish, of course, but when no one saw anyone, it was easier. we were all the same. But now it felt like they were all moving on without me. In a way, it's what I always wanted, but I always wished to die first. I know it's not sane, but i'd imagined situations like that in my head, where I die and then everyone moved on and it made me feel calmer. But seeing that unfold before my eyes, when i'm still breathing here, i'm still here. It felt lonely. I'm glad they're having fun. I'm just upset I can't do it as well? And it makes me feel like inevitably my relationships with them will break and fall apart and dissapear and they're all still gonna be a interwined network, even though I did everything I could to maintain it because it's all I've ever had outside of my direct family? I didn't make any friends at uni or have a different group of friends so it just...hurt? It still hurts, i'm just more used to it. Also after the bday i did try to connect in vc but it just made me worse, like a friend said like "noo it got too wild honestly u didnt miss anything" and i was like lmao ok but i felt like kinda sad anyways but if i was there i wouldve probably slept through it anyways

...after i felt awful bc i have another friend who is just kinda blunt and kinda dumb when it comes to how others feel, and he was like ohh yeah but after the bday [friend] took us and some of [friends gf's friends] to our houses and since it was early we went to a mcdonalds and it was so fun !! and it was just so uncomfortable bc obviously im glad you have fun but like i dont wanna know??? bc it hurts a fuckin lot???? and my other friend who was also in vc (he was the one w the car) he was like "haha yeaaa it was fun" but he seemed quite uncomfortable talking abt it he could probably tell i didnt wanna hear and ik my other friend only did it bc he's naive not bc he had bad intentions but yeah it sucked i was like haha thats great heh.....like what ya want me to say babe

Christmas arrived and it ended up helping me a lot. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I decorated a month in advance, baked cookies for the first time (with my mom) and we just did a lot of things this year. It made me happy and kept me occupied through the pain (I know i described a lot of pain here but I only paid attention to it at night, which is why it still hurts now probably bc i've had it all repressed) And of course the gifts, honestly I didn't know what to expect because this year I didn't really know what to ask for and just asked for a surprise (because i love receiving things! anything) And my dad definetely outdid himself with all the gifts, I loved them and they're all useful too! I was amazed and i told my friends abt it and it ended up in me talking more in the vc again, and i also started playing genshin impact in late december as well. We also held a secrer santa in the group but not everyone participated (mostly bc of money) but the 4 of us that did was fun! i knew everyone's secret santa bc 2/4 asked to me for help and they were mutual </3 so i knew me and my other friend were mutual too lol but it was cool. I kinda was a bitch a bit though bc he delievered my gift to my home and was going to come a random day and I just wasn't prepared bc I was afraid of seeing him honestly I didn't want to see him and I hoped he wouldn't come? He didn't come that day but he did come some days after, I truly wasn't ready at that point anyway and my mom said we could let him inside if he sanitized, but he came with his mother and didn't get out of the car, we just exchanged the gifts, and honestly I was glad, i was polite and just said hi to both and thanks and all! Obviously i love him a lot bc we're close but idk why i didnt want him to come into my house i just feel like im so boring now and I dont know what we couldve talked abt and honestly ive always been shy but now i just forgot how to socialize and i was terrified so when he didnt get out i was just glad.....well, also

I feel like all of these incidents separated me and my friend who had her birthday on december. Now she wouldn't join the vc or gc often (or say she couldn't, which she usually did before) so I just assumed she hated me, but i didn't really have the guts to ask? She still liked my memes on the gc sometimes but not as she used to, she always used to like every single meme (or nearly all) and she never talked over me (I always get talked over except when I'm drunk bc i become a bit less shy therefore more violent) and would even call others out for me when talked over and always respected everything i told her abt me (Through the years, i've told her some of my deepest shits bc i just trust her like that i dont mind if she knows) but it just felt distant? Also a bit before that, at the start of december we started streaming on twitch, and that week i was very bad I told her i wouldn't play much bc i wasnt doing well but I was up for streaming bc i rly wanted to be professional abt it even if we dont pursue it as a career, but in the end we didnt stream, and fell out of streaming a bit after that. I was kind of afraid to ask her if she wanted to stream again, but we'd talked once and she said she'd finally gotten the cat earphones for the streams (she mentioned she wanted them beforehand) yeah anyways i dont think she actually hates hates me but idk the idea still lingers in my mind

uh yeah also i felt like shit for a bit bc i thought she definetely hated me bc we hadnt talked in a bit and she didnt like my memes anymore so i just assumed the worst, i even listened to break up music (which is what i do when a friendship ends bc altough ive never rly had strong romantic feelings for anyone that kind of song helps me move on after friend breakups too bc no one warns you abt how painful these are) and i cried obviously, but again i never mentioned it to anyone (i made a few vague textposts here though) and just got my shit together even if it hurt? lol, well a bit of time passes and everything seems to go back to normal, i dont remember how she told us but she said she had a job now which is why she didnt connect much and slept earlier and i felt relief lol bc i legit thought she hated me and i felt like shit abt it lol i mean the idea they kinda hate me lingers in my mind all the time but at that point in life i was like. SURE she hated me until that point. now we ocasionally play genshin together but i cant really talk at that time and that also makes me upset bc i do wake up late and im trying to fix my schedule a bit by waking up at 2pm instead of 5 pm but it doesnt even matter bc i play board games with my grandma daily (bc its good for her and its fun i do enjoy it) i just wish we could do it earlier bc lately she gets up at like 9pm and i end up finishing playing at 11/12/1 and its just kinda late to meet w my friends bc i always have smth to do/finish after and i just cant make it in time even if i wake up earlier? lol but i cant change her schedule so theres nothing i can do but cry about it

oh also ik matsunoadvice gave me advice on this but like there's this friend who i love obviously but sometimes he just talks abt his meetings w other friends and like it only makes me angry as fuck and i cant ask him to not bc im too shy but i wish he could stop. and also when he complains abt skate related stuff it makes me unexplainably angry but like i have no reason or right to im just angry bc i cant do that and probably never will bc i doubt ill ever be able to go out again ?? lol. and he even offered like "when we go out again u should come and ill lend u my skate and if u like it u can get one" and honestly its all super nice and i appreciate it and ive thanked him and told him yes but it just makes me feel angry inside bc i dont see an ending with all the mutations and shit and my voice cracks when i tell him haha yeah if we ever meet again bc honestly my youth is already over and i just spent it like a social recluse and i read a post here when i was younger that said like lgbt people spend their teens closeted and ashamed and live their teens in their twenties but now im gonna miss my twenties to the pandemic and then ill be too fucking old and itll be too fucking late and ill have to die and i just never lived bc i still havent even transitioned yet and i doubt ill ever be able to (this also causes me a lot of pain but i will ignore it) and the other day he said like i hope i can see u this year bc i miss u and i just said that honestly ive lost all hope of ever seeing anyone again and my voice cracked and my other friend said something related but not so related and im just glad he talked in bc i didnt rly care i just wanted to change the topic bc i know ill never see them again and eventually probably lose contact and see them all have fun together without me just as if i was dead but just didnt pass away and its difficult but i have to accept it and it hurts a lot now but in 7 years itll be fine, just like i accepted im unlovable and will never have a s/o and when i was 12 that hurt a lot but now it doesnt so someday i will be alone but i hope it doesnt hurt anymore.

this is all a mess and the format is everywhere and theres no timeline i hope no one reads it. if u do read it im sorry. i just honestly been carrying all of this for a while now and i want it out of my system honestly bc i dont know what to do with it and i was on the verge of a breakdown for a minimal thing hours ago i just want all this info out of my brain.....also obv these are only the bad things that have happened/good things that took me out of the hole but a lot of good things happened too lol and i skipped a lot of imp points like i changed careers and shit and also i met a lot of cool mutuals since i got back to tumblr and ososan been carrying my mental health every monday but yeah i just wanted the negatives out of the system. the frustrations and the anger. i hope no one reads this fr its so messy

#hinatalks #long post

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