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thegoodloveproject · 4 years

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30 Days of D/s: Domspace and Subspace

It was a little while before dusk, I felt the midsummer sun warm and soft on my bare skin as I watched my Top survey a nearby tree for a branch strong enough to take my weight. I was aware of a gentle breeze caressing my breasts while He flung length after length of rope over the branch. This was to be my first experience of suspended rope bondage, there at sunset, the surrounding landscape an oil painting of Sedona red rock.   

When it was time, He gestured to me to come near and began to bind me. My arms behind by back, a lattice of rope around my torso. Over and over, the whisper of rope sliding across rope and skin began to put me into a deep state of calm, like the sound of distant ocean waves. Soon I began to feel the pressure of my weight pulling on the rope as one foot was taken off the ground and bound with my knee bent at ninety degrees. He held me then, and spoke quietly into my ear, “Because this is your first time, I’ve made this easy for you. When you’re ready, all you need to do is bend your other knee, lift your foot, and cross your ankles, and you will be suspended. If you become overwhelmed or frightened just put your foot down and you’ll know where you are. Are you ready?” I nodded. “Lean into me,” He said. I began to give Him my weight and then I took my foot off the ground.  

The ropes dug into my body, taking all my weight, but His hands were still placed softly at my shoulder and belly. “Find your breath through the pressure,” He said as He slowly removed his grounding touch, “I’m going to count you down.” I wasn’t sure what He meant but I closed my eyes and continued to focus on my breath. “One… two… three…” I don’t know how far He counted. I was gone, floating in space. I felt myself held, cocooned, in a gentle darkness, somewhere deep inside myself that I had never experienced before. I couldn’t tell you how long I floated in this internal sea, it could have been hours or mere moments, but long before I was ready I heard His voice, counting again, bringing me back. I set my foot on the earth and gently leaned into His chest, when I opened my eyes they stung with the threat of tears. I looked up at Him, “I… I didn’t want to come back.” He smiled down at me, “I know. You found The Forever Place”.

This was my first experience with rope suspension. Almost more impactful though, it was also my first experience of subspace.

Subspace (aka Bottomspace) is an altered state of consciousness, often described as a feeling of “floating”, “flying” or “euphoria”, that a submissive can attain through a cocktail of hormones and neurotransmitters (endorphin, oxytocin, epinephrine, etc) brought on by extended or intense levels of pain or other intense sensation facilitated by their Dominant. It can also be reached via emotional or psychological interaction. A submissive may present subspace in a variety of ways such as feeling “giggly”, age-regression, acting animalistic or primal, catharsis via crying, screaming, or laughing or any number of other expressive actions. It is important for the Dominant to pay extra attention here, because a submissive may not be able to make rational decisions or have clear judgement about how much more they can take when in subspace.   Likewise there is also Domspace or Topspace.

Dompace is also an altered state of consciousness, one in which the Dominant feels powerful, in control, “at the top of their game”. One can liken it to psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi’s theory of Flow defined as “an optimal state of consciousness where we feel our best and perform our best.” He says, “The ego falls away. Time flies. Every action, movement, and thought follows inevitably from the previous one, like playing jazz. Your whole being is involved, and you’re using your skills to the utmost.” Domspace differs from subspace is that it is less dissociative and that’s a good thing, because even in the most euphoric of spaces, a Dominant still needs to remain present with their submissive and in control of their actions.

Sounds like the height of BDSM experience? Perhaps, however, most of us don’t get there every time, all the time and that’s ok. Don’t make subspace or Domspace a goal. As with any sexual or erotic activity, it is best to focus on your connection, pleasure, mutual satisfaction and being present. That being said, let’s take a deeper look at these states and ways you might enhance your kink experience.  

But first, we need to talk about Topdrop and Subdrop.The saying goes “what goes up must come down” and this is true for states of consciousness as well.   After an intense scene, especially if subspace was reached a submissive may feel physically cold, sleepy or emotional. This is “come down” is known as subdrop and it requires Aftercare. When certain chemicals, like adrenaline, wear off the body temperature can drop quickly, so have a blanket on hand is a good idea. Likewise if a catharsis was reached a sub may need to be held while they cry or may want to cuddle pillow or stuffed animal. Some subs love compression, others need space. Talk to your submissive about Aftercare needs and preferences before you start to play.

  Topdrop is sometimes characterized as feelings of guilt, shame, or sadness after the feel-good brain cocktail has worn off. A Dom/me may need to check in with their submissive to make sure they are ok or that they performed well. After play check-ins, regardless of role or whether you experiences a rough come down or not are a good practice to keep as it fosters communication and continued growth.

Ways to go deeper

So you’re not make Domspace or subspace your goal… but are here are ways to potentially make it easier to get there? Here’s a few suggestions that can take you deeper into your intimacy and kink play, and maybe get your closer to those altered states.

Mindfulness - I know its become a watchword of health practitioners, counselors, and corporate types looking to hack the human brain but the fact is practicing Mindfulness does have an effect on mood, response and performance… and you can take it into the bedroom or dungeon. Whether its a daily meditation practice or taking moments throughout the day to tune in, learning to increase presence will heighten your erotic experiences.  

Breath - One way to bring Mindfulness into your BDSM practices is through intentional breathing. Breath with your partner, breath through your movements, time your inhales and exhales to each throw of the flogger. Intentional breathing oxygenates you brain (which gives you some of that “high” feeling) and helps you remain present when that nagging thought about whether or not you checked the mail tries to crash the party. 

Practice - This is especially true for Tops. Following ideas about skill vs challenge in Csíkszentmihályi’s Flow Theory, the more confident you are at a particular activity the easier it is to get into the Flow state. So take classes on varying techniques make time to practice. Practice doesn’t make “perfect” but it will make for better and more enjoyable practice.  

Rituals - A certain playlist of music, lighting specific color candles, the feel of a collar being closed around your neck… A routine is doing the same thing the same way repeatedly. A ritual is an action or a series of actions done with intention. Creating rituals around your scene time can begin the process of shifting your consciousness from the mundane (that argument with your coworker and signing your kid’s permission slip) to the fanciful (the powerful/noble/cruel Dominant or the innocent/bratty/stoic submissive).

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