#do u kno wht i mean

[bylertruther]

do you ever think about how will probably wishes he was braver?

that he could tell mike the truth about himself without having to speak in code. that he could stick to his guns when he's been wronged and stand up for himself rather than tucking tail and turning the other cheek. that he could be less shy, less sensitive, less cowardly, and maybe then his loved ones wouldn't forget about him as often as they do.

maybe then they would pick him first, rather than leaving him for last. maybe then they would want to hang out with him and hear what he has to say. maybe then they would treat him like they used to, like he can still take care of himself just like they can, instead of like a fragile little thing that they pick up only when they need him. maybe then they would care about him as much as he cares about them. maybe then he wouldn't doubt that it could all come crashing down once they know who he really is, and always has been, because the rest of him would've been enough.

like, maybe he wishes he didn't freeze or run away so much. maybe he wishes he wasn't so afraid all the time, of every little thing. that he could be brave like mike, el, or his mom. i mean, el's been through so much, too. why can't he be more like her? why does he have to hide behind her? he hides behind her when the monsters come crawling back, and he hides behind her when he can't bring himself to say what he really means—even after getting on her case about it.

he spent so much time on that painting. he didn't let anyone see it—it was that special to him. why couldn't he own up to that? there's no monster in the van with him; it's just him and mike and this painting of the party, nothing inherently incriminating or romantic, and still—he can't help himself. he retreats back into the shadow, shrinks into himself, and tells lie after lie to the person that he never lies to, that he knows doesn't fucking deserve that, just because he's too scared.

of course he'd feel like a mistake sometimes. of course he'd hate who he is (if That script is to be believed), when he can't even talk to the one person that would understand without lying straight to his face, over and over again, like a fucking hypocrite. of course he'd feel so lost without the person that tells him it's okay to be this way and shows him that there is indeed strength in it. of course he'd hate who he is when he's encouraging someone to be true and speaking about their courage, all while being incapable of taking his own advice, and giving the credit for all of his love and efforts and emotions to someone else.

so many people died to bring him back, so many people died just because he didn't stay dead when maybe he should have, and for what? so that he can continue to hide rather than live his life? so that he can turn into a "worse" version of himself? so that he can live in fear? so that he can continue to ache for a past that he can never return to, while everyone else moves forward and berates him for not doing the same? time stopped in the upside down when will went missing, and he's been stuck there ever since, too. too much has happened for him to move on from. too much has changed—he's changed. he's too different now, in every way, and the older he gets the more clear it becomes.

of course he'd feel like a mistake. of course he'd hate who he is. he's the common denominator here: in his loneliness and in this war. the boy who came back to life when others didn't. the boy that got possessed and couldn't fight it. the boy that turned into a liar and a coward and must learn to live with it, even if it's at his own expense. the boy that can't let go of the past and whom the past won't let go of either, because even after everything, he's still connected to this great evil that won't let him go. they got it out of him, and yet the tether remains, because of-fucking-course it would.

just—why? why him? why can't anything ever go right with him? why is he always the outlier? i think that overwhelming amount of fear, shame, grief, guilt, exhaustion, and loneliness would wear anyone down, let alone a teenager that never asked for any of it and has experiences so unfathomably unique that the only other people that could have possibly understood are literally dead.

#will byers #byler #mine #long post #will #anyway. this is how i always interpreted the i hate WHO i am line especially in conjunction with the word ''mistake'' + being different #within the context of EVERYTHING that's happened to will and continues to happen to him and how unique it is to him in this narrative #bc rly. if you were will.... wouldn't you feel like a mistake? even outside of that outside of the supernatural i'm speaking to my #friends that have ''Something Wrong'' with them. when something happens to you and you're not the same after and you're surrounded #by people who are able to move on and be normal—don't you ever have those moments where you feel like a mistake? when you're #growing up and still interested in your same old interests but your friends start moving on and then you see that they went back to #those interests in your absence—don't you feel like you were the problem then? when people are able to be brave and you can't #find it within yourself to overcome your fear—don't you hate that feeling? don't you feel that negativity towards yourself when you #know that you SHOULD do something but you can't bring yourself to and it works against yourself? like. everything that has happened #to will E V E R Y T H I N G !!!!!!!!!!!!! can easily make anyone no matter what part of him you relate to the most understand that #u kno wht i mean? anyway. i jus wanted to bring this up bc his life is a fucking tragedy even without the gay stuff n his current pov on th #and the way that That conversation always centers on fear and bravery it's like. obviously being gay is not easy in that era but i don't #think that line is ''i hate being gay'' with no factoring in of the great many things that have happened to him which alienate him further #as well as with how he does want mike to know and his alan turing poster and his talk with jonathan etc etc #his conflict has always centered around how other people treat him and his issue with that bc that's what makes him feel bad #that just because he's different that doesn't mean that he's Different and must be treated as such #he's different and has people that make him feel BETTER for it like look at s2 for example all of those talks abt using what he perceives #as a weakness abt himself as a strength that no one else can bring to the table. and in s3 when he still believed in being a nerd #and never getting girlfriends etc but when it came from mike thts when he called himself stupid n started down this path bc now #there's that sprinkle of doubt. n tht doubt is the scariest thing in the world—understandably so #also. he literally has an evil monster in his brain like bdkfjhsbkdjhfbskj IT'S JUST A LOT. #he is different for many reasons and has even more reasons to hate Who he is the kind of person that he is #jus my take 😁👍

[gayspock]

im going 2 have a meltdown over applying for jobs <3

#Egg.txt #i dont want 2 have a little metldown on main but #part of me is like lol what was the point of ur degree & whats the point of applying for a masters when like ... #ur too mentally ill to ever work properly.... -_- #im jsut overwhelmed and . horrified & i dont know what to do abt it i just keep short circuiting.... #& having panic attacks over WHATTT sigh. #im having a moment rn u kno where im like particularly angry upset over one thing someone said 2 me years ago which was sooo inconsequental #but itsworming its way into my head rn like i dont think anyone will ever take me seriously or listen to even like #WHY i have problems .. lol. do u kno wht i mean. bc even when i express them ppl just dismiss it and its like #(shakes u by thre shoulders) YOURE PROVING MY POINT !!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA EEEEEEEEEEK

[catghoulz]

i think itz annoying how "what if another speciez ov human comparable intelligence once existed on earth millionz ov yearz ago" thought experimentz like the silurian hypothesis focus on the (im)probability ov an industrial society not leaving an impact on the fossil record wen personally? im much more compelled by the possibility tht another or even a multitude ov non-hominid speciez haz reached the hunter-gatherer or early agrarian stage before, because honestly it seemz really hard to conclusively rule out. i mean, we literally Do have extinct speciez ov human intelligence tht lived hunter gatherer lifestyle on earth extremely recently & the fossil evidence for many ov them iz complete fuckin dogwater. like, take the denisovanz for example. a significant amount ov us have denisovan ancestorz!!! they were full humanz just like us! and all we hav from them iz a handful ov teeth & bone fragmentz. if humanz had gone extinct then & there, do u think hypothetical future nonhuman paleontologistz would be able to deduce from tht evidence the denisovanz had a hunter-gatherer society, & tht they were fully capable ov industrializing had they survived? severely doubt it! i mean, we really wouldnt even kno wht the fuck to look for. hell, we could Already have the skeleton ov an animal tht formed complex hunter-gatherer societiez right in front ov us & not have the foggiest clue. like idk man it feelz like ppl would take this possibility more seriously if they werent caught in the brainworm ov human comparable intelligence "inevitably" leading to industrialization, which a quick glimpse at the Many Other Speciez Ov Hominid Who Never Did That pretty flatly disprovez

[kristalpepsi]

From one alter that might be swapping species to another, how did that feel?? How did you cope? How did you know?? - stressed in recent bunnification

Hllooo ^_^ oh gsh, i nvr thght i wld b askd thise :^0

THIS GOT VRY LONG SO I PUT THE RST IN A READ MOR,,, but TLDR: It felt WEIRD, n i was embrrssd. I kind of ddint lke it @ 1st b NOW i am in lov ^_^ i coped by tkng stps 2 accpt myslf: i may b cring b i am free mentlty! bc tht is the road to accptnce. As strssfl n mayb evn scry as it is nw, it wll b ok! u wll b ok! :^)

The whole thng belw

hrm,, wll, 2 gt str8 2 the pnt, i rlly,,,, i knd of wsnt sre if i lked it @ 1st! it ws dfntly RLLY EMBRRSNG. BC nw all of a sddn i hd a tl (tail) tht ws lke a wlkng callout!! b hnstly the bggst prt ws enjyng pets n scritchs n rubs ^_^ ik tht probbly snds weird b u gtta rmmbr tht im a catby nw, so im nt humn anymr!

How did it strt?? (How dd I kno) Well, I was designing a fursona 4 fn! SPCFCLLY A Catsona. I've desgns a fursna b4 (a possum) b my boyfrnd suggstd i mke a catboy sona 4 fun! Wht hppnd ws, aftr i finshd desgnng it, i suddnl notcd tht som hrs aftr tht, i hd a tail,,, thn i blnkd n BAM, CATBOY. it hppnd so fst, n i rlly ddnt lke it @ 1st! I ws scrd n embrrsd bc gsh i ws even in a VC !!!

BUT. bc of the ppl arnd me bein vry accptng (my boyfrnd is also a catby :^D he ws 1 b4 i ws) i hnstly lrnd tht i LOVD BEIN A CATBY!!! Or mayb- i jst lrnd 2 accpt it ^_^ @ 1 pnt, i cld swtch between human vs catboy, b hnstly over tme, i nvr wnt bck 2 bein humn again!

but nowdys, i associ8 bein human w TRAUMA, so mayb a lt tht i mite be telln u 2dy is smth i need 2 psychonlyze myslf abt 🤨 so whnvr i trn humn, im probbly havng a big trma momnt ^_^ its fnny hw bein awy frm smth 4 so lng,, knd of chngs ur perspctve on it frm hw it usd 2 b. i wrte abt my feelngs w thise discnnct here, n i drew abt it artstclly here!

I endd up feelng ,,,, lke ther were 2 sdes of me (not litrlly, b yk!) the humn prt of me stck in the pst, nt eh Prsnt prt of me tht lovs Fun n stff ^_^ i stll gt trma momnts AS a catby, its STILL me, but i notcd tht as i accpt bein nonhumn, its lke ive strtd associa8ng bein HUMN w HURT n PAIN. so its lke thise, sde of me thts still trying 2 procss trma (THT IM KND OF RUNNG AWY FRM ^_^) is begging me nt 2 leave him behnd

so mayb as i liv life as now a nonhumn, i DO hav 2 try n fnd the best of bth wrlds. bc,, jst bc i chnge nw dsnt mean i shld thro awy my pst. its lke my brain is usng thise chnge as an excse 2 run awy,,,

so anywy! While u go thru ur chngs, dnt b lke me! love ur past n b knd 2 it b also lov urslf 2dy!

HOW DID I COPE?? wll, a lt of the tme whn ANY1 trns in2 n ANIML (I am not the 1st 4 thise 2 hppn! Chara (DO NT TLL THNM I SD THIOSE) somtms gts a tail n H8S IT) we gt EMBRRSD! i smply encrge u 2 indulg urslf! indulge ur animl side! embrssmnt coms frm Shme n insecrty. sooo, instd of thnkng of urslf as cringe, try 2 OWN ur animlific8ion! How u do tht is up 2 u- mayb eat mor veggies? get stuff tht hlps w the new body dysphoria u mite gt? allw urslf 2 b bunny lke! build ur own sfe spce (tht my or my not inclde ppl u trst!) wher u cn jst b,,, urslf!

we also kno a lt of othr systm mmbrs in othr systms who get furrified (somtms its mostly permmnt, somtms they get triggrd (NOT trma triggrd, i mean the genrl DEFINTION of the wrd!!) in2 bein an animl, n we notc tht jst mkng the stps 2 accpt ur animl sde rlly hlps.

Rmmbr tht ys, u mite feel cringe, b wldnt u rthr b free!!

ALSO,, if u r an INTROJECT,,, bein a furry is VRY COOL bc u can drw urslf in public n ppl wnt even realze ur a fictive (SOMTMS, dpndng on wht u look lke)!!!! i rmmbr 1 of the 1st realiz8ions i hd whn i got fully furrified in2 a catby ws "oh,, wow,, woah, WOA!! ppl wnt be abl 2 tll im KRIS DREEMURR frm DELTRNE!!" the rsn y tht ws LOWKY importnt 2 me is bc ever sinc i splt, i grew up w the aggrssve sde of the UTDR fndm bein very afrd of ppl who do not use they/them on the humns (WHCH IS FAIR n i am nt syng they shldnt b upset whn ppl misgender thm!!) b i am NONBINARY!! we are trans so it it flt lke i cldnt exst w/o ppl accsng me of bein trnsphbc jst bc i use he/him as a trans n nonbnry prsn! so nw tht i am nonhumn, i am less recognzble n i cn b FREE!!!

anywy, i hope tht knd of inspires u! Im srry its vry lng ^_^" if u snd me an ask askng me ANYTHNG rel8d 2 my opinion, i wll eithr answr shrtly, OR VRY LNG!!!

jst rmmbr, u r sfe, nothng is wrng w u, n u will b ok! ppl wll stll lov u 4 who u r :^) if u ever need anythng els or need a fll "species swappd" prsn 2 tlk 2, i am hre ^_^

#ask #anon #also im srry 4 typng in all cps a lt! I am cofrntng w Chara jst 2 answr thise ask #n thy tnd 2 CAPTLZE som wrds 4 emphsis HASHTG RPG INTROJCT ALRT... (they r my siblng n i lov thm ^_^) #q gang

[ebonytails]

OO thise is sch a fn qstion!! ive tried answrng thise b4 in my prsnl blg! u can c tht hre (link 2 my about #2! In my about u cn find a link 2 a longr pst wher i try 2 go mor in dpth)

Tht’s a rlly old pst tho, b i thnk im stll crrct abt 1) my brain movs FAST!!!! It movs so fst 4 me! It mkes us stuttr IRL bc our brn is movn. Lightnng speed b our mth cnt ctch up!

Som sys membrs hav typng qrks bc theyr a fictiv n their sourc has a thpng qrk (c: homestuck djbdjb) b 4 me, i knda grew in2 mine ovrtme? I usd 2 b a vry quiet prsn, b ovrtme i got sillier, n typng less means i cn actlly ctch up w wht my brn is syng!! B also its so ,, almst necssry 4 me? Technically, i can write like a normal person just like this. But its also VRY painfl emotionlly if i do it 4 2 lng, it feels uncomfrtbl n lke smth us vry wrng! I thnk its bc in a lt of cses wher i’d hav 2 do tht, it’d b maskng? B bsclly if som1 has a typng qrk, n u r forcng thm 2 type nrmlly, i notic it tnds 2 b uncomfy or painfl 4 a lt of ppl! B i kno tht somtms, i hav 2 type nrmlly. It jst tkes conscious effrt frm me,,, I WLL type normlly if i’m speakng tagalog/filipino (unlss its been a lng dy), syng a techncl trm or ANY biggr wrd i kno the prsn im tlkng 2 dsnt kno abt or isnt usd 2 yt, or if the wrd itslf is jst Imprtnt so we dnt hav misundrstndgs, also!! I dnt shortn nmes, i feel lke tht’d b disrspctfl n strnge. Lastly, if i need 2 wrte academclly :^(

Also, usng acronyms is my bst frnd!

My fve wrd in my typng qrk is assssmnt (assessment)JVDEHVDDHGD bc it’s jst as(4x)mnt. My fvr8 shrtst wrd in my typng qrk is p, b, g, n usng numbrs JEHJD

I cn mke vry confsng sentncs somtms, lke “o, thts v g 4 21 mice!!” If u rnt usd 2 me tlkng 2 u JHDJDH

Somtms evn our own systm dsnt undrstnd hw i type n thy need a scnd, b i cn undrstnd my typng prfctly :^0 it prbbly hlps tht I’m the 1 typng it :^)

B also no, tyong isnt hrd 4 me, its mor of jst a naturl thng 4 me! Lke how humns natrlly sleep lyng dwn, i wke up n dnt hav 2 thnk abt thise, thise is lke subconscious 2 me- 2nd natre

N ty!! We r gettng bttr, thnkflly!

#ask #reply #from kris #misigniculus #system stuff #i g i ddnt expln mch?? b i dd tlk abt it a lt JHDJEGE #ppl hav tld me also tht thy lke my typng qrk! whch is supr sweet bc 2 thise dy- im vry slf conscious abt it n embrssd :’^) #ive also been tld by som1 tht thy strtd typng lke me bc it flt bttr 2 thm! whch is so sweet!! #not a rsn y b mor of a fun fct: #ppl hav ALSO tld me tht im nt hrd 2 undrstnd #n i thnk its bc my brn sbcnsciously picks n chooss wht vowls r unncssry so its stll readbl?? #uk thos studies n stff wher if u remiv the middl of the wrd b keep the ends ppl wll stll b abl 2 rd thm? #its lke my mnd does tht 24/7….. #n my typng qrk seems 2 b inconsistnt somtms bc i type does n ds in the sme sentenc KEHE #IVE ALSO HD MY TYPNG QRK USD AS A GME SOMTMS #wher ppl wll b lke ‘kris said ds! ds he mean D.S.? does? or DIES?’ #KSHSJVDDGDHEF #srry thise is so lng ekbdd #long post #about us

[nsves]

hi! i was wondering how do you get your renders to look clay-ish? mine just come out super hq and you cant really tell that its rendered, im trying to aim for that clay-ish you can tell its rendered look, if i may ask TIA ♥♥

i honestly don’t kno? i just denoise it + use the default basic settings and such for 90% of my renders…. my sims are usually creamy looking in game so i’m guessing that’s what ur looking for? idk wht u mean by ur renders coming out super realistic in comparison of mine

#lyko answers #anon

[rawrmeansilyindinosawr]

DONT EVER ASTRAL PROJECT INTO JOISEY

yr on ur way to bodyhack and accidentally k hole a lil too hard in ur own living room and have to hold ur roommates feet / kuddle a bit b4 u go cuz u've never felt that way b4 on k besides the time u did that Laced bullshit like 3 months ago in the comfort of strangers u just met at le bain and yr crush at tha time. who actually wuz NIce a lil but they were like a weird capricorn with a gf N we all kno how poly relationships hav been for moi. Painful n weird. lik LEARN 2 communicate andSTICK2 UR boundaries [ AND DONT TRY TO INTERPRET WHAT THT MEANS BY URSELF IF YR CONFUSED LITERALLY JUST ASK] or just like DON'TTT try to have multiple relationships if u r INCAPABLE Of being responsible WITH MULTIPLE PPLZ FEELINGZZZZZZZ!

I!!!

ANYWEY. FLASHBACK.

We ordered 2g of shitty mexxy Fake ass K n all tha colors IN tha room blended together, u threw up and had to go into fetal position just to feel better cuz u dont rly remember talking but u just remember SURVIVNG Tha weird after party b4 when we all went into some strangers hotel [that i met at a party in LA like a few months back but it wuz like a quick meet outside tha warehouse so lik not rly KNEW the person but] that had a clogged toilet n RANDO EMERGENCIE ROOM SURGEON WHO ASKED U... 'hey…have u ever had k...INSIDE u..' LIK OMG WHAT LE FUK!

!!!!!?

then the weirdo who owned the hotel unclogged tha toilet After LYING and said he'd order room service n tried to stand in between yr friends who were lik just Kutie dancing to the german techno House n then yr crush was tryna like do a cute bubble bath moment with u but it all just got 2 GOT DAM MUCH so we all made a run 4 it. LE LITERALLY.

And this wuz after we walked around tha city, called the sunrise a tequila sunrise then talked ab makin it big 1 day n moving in those big apts in soho. And waiting for 4 uber cars for an hour to give us a ride but then they nvr came/cancelled so we walked 3 blocks n begged a rando with a Family sized lookin sUv to give us a ride to anotha party. like WUZ IT WORTH IT 2 GO 2 A KLOGGED TOILET SCARY HOTEL WITH SCARY SURGEON MAN N PREDATORY WEIRDO. WULD IDO IT AGAIN???? YES!!

u bump into a KUTE designer uve been supportingfor like a year n a half n they They tell U they Hav a crush on u like WAH RLYYYYY. but yr like not interested in starting something new but. IM IN MY NO1 DESERVES MOI ERA !!!!!! TUMBLR BLOGGING CONSISTENTLY ERA!!!!!!! ALL MY 9 OTHER ACCOUNTS R BLENDING TOGETHER ERA! MOI BDAY ERA!!! EXCITED 4!!!! N NOWADAYZZ ERA!

!!!! Yr waiting 4 ur friend n someonecomes up to u and asks u if u sell drugs LIKE WHT DO I LOOK LIKE. anotha gurl told me that nite i look like im poly. LIKE WHAT IS THE POLY AESTHETIC...BC I WULD RLY LIKE 2 MF KNO!!!! Then they proceed to overshare ab autism camp n then ask me if IM THA ONE thats "STILL HIGH' . We find a rubber duckie in tha hammocks n MR RUBBA DUCKIE IS OUR SECURITY GUARD 4 THA NITE while we dance with "fuckboy PRESENTING' kutiez n crave tha K that yr friendz say is from tha nethalandz. Yr high as shit n the sink in tha bathroom looks like a fukin goat n yrthinking of tyler tha creators iconic tweet on03-13-22 "YO IF SOMEONE INVITE U TO A SHOW DONT FUCKIN B LIKE CAN I GET 5 PASSES. NO. COME W 1 GUEST N SHOW SUM FUKIN RESPECC . DONT FUCKIN ASK 4 A FAMILY AMOUNT OFICKETS N SHIT HELL U THINK THIS A CHARITY WHO RAISED U N---GAS KNOW YALL FUKIN PLACE U AINT SPECIAL'

i wanna make a tiktok audio of me saying that but i dont wanna b problematic. N i wanna giv my mum tha rubbie duckie to add to her collection of rubbie duckiez. tha nite ended kute going to a white boys apt who wears kat ears who's name was aaron n we were with another aaron so there were two aarons then we smoked n watched sunrise n listened to the killerz nitecore version tho.

JUST BC IM HIGH A LOT DOESNT MEAN I DONT DO MY LAUNDRY OR TAXES OR AM SEXUALLY PROBLEMATIC OR STUPID. I LIKE CONTROLLED sUBSTANCES WHERE I KAN STILL THINK N AM COGNISCENT OF MY BODY N ENVIONMENT. I WULD LIKE 2 EXPLAIN DIS FURTHER BC I YAM DEFENSIVE N SELF INTROSPECTIVE N AS A LIBRAI WULD LIKE TO SEE ALL SIDES N SCALES N BE RATIONAL IN HOW I APPROACH MYSELF WHEN OTHERS CLEARLY KANNOT C ME 4 WHO I YAM IN ALL OF MY DIFF WAYZ. LIKE I LITERALLY AM FUCKIN RAVE MUM!!!!!!!!! i WULD LITERALLY BRING A FUKIN STALK OF CELERY 2 THA MF CLURB TO MAKE SURE PPLZ GOT SOME10 In THEY TUMMY B4 THEY DECIDE 2 ALCOHOL THEMSULVEZ!!!!!!!!!! I WILLL DYE YR HAIR B4 WE GET TO THA KLUB N WASH IT OUT FOR U N BLOW DRY IT N HELP U PIK OUT UR OUTFITZ THEN MAKE SURE WE ALL HAV A GOOD TIME . RAVE MUM VIBEZ!!!!!!! I HAV NVR PARTIED 2GET MY HOLES SATIATED. I HAV NVR LEFT A PARTY WA STRANGER AT A CLURB W THE INTENTION OF FUK!!!!!!

well. Now dat DAT out of tha way, TECHNO PAGAN IS LITERALLY A FUKIN GOD ANNNNDDD Tha Trinity is not A culmination of one god in three gods but a singular god!!!!!!!!!! THA TRINITY IS A MF SHMEXY

THRUPPLE.

something tht i hav been reflecting on in my nitelife has been the beauty of community i feel when we all stomp n dance together so hard, even in a room full of strangers, we all sit under tha influence of a universal language, something tht we kannot describe with words, something that is not expressed with words - music . ladybird hates club music but i feel like club music has encapsulated so much that normally goes out of my reigns of comfort, it is challenging as an artist to see thingz differently in lens of appreciation , but to feel every genre and every word n instrument n actually react to it has been something i feel like tht keeps me sane. going out has not been something that has just been "fun' for me, i release something into the nite that the nite keeps it for me. lily says i am the moon, the nite , and she is my sun, my day. i think

there is something beautiful about the nite, and how

it holds the darkness for u... it exists 4 a reason,

although scary ..... but i like the way i see the world

more when i am awake thru it, and i appreciate the

day while in fragmented time frames

i Yam SO MF behind on skoool. i wuz supposed to go

2 a truck show where clothing stores showcase a

bunch of new collection pieces kind of like sample

sales] todai but i ended up having a depressive

episode n crying 4 hours to 8485 n blackwinterwells

n helix tearz. idk when i will feel better some dayz, i

just kno my greatest pain / biggest wound is getting

taken 4 granted or being misunderstood / unloved by

the people i hav loved purely ... i hav an innocence to

me, ive realized ... i give ppl tha benefit of tha doubt

b4 they prove anything to meh. i hav been aching,

ive been sinking in my bed, i kant sleep, i dont know

how to proceed when ppl i want to luv me r so

incapable. n even then i am happy to be the 1 who is

hurt at the end of it all, and not them ..

nyfw is coming up n castings have been interesting.

the modeling scene is so small n i've been

recognizing mad ppl in the rando castings i've been

going to n showing up how i do . Cuz ima always b

me and that's what that truly means to me to model

to showcase myself authentically and though Yes i

am sample size - i think beauty is something more

philosophical and subjective than what we kan

condense to merely standardized measurements . I

always found it funni that if u live in model housing ur

like required to go out like three times a week to

make ur agent happie and like it wasn't til i was at lil

sister in st marks / 3rd ave area that i was like kinda

weirded by the modeling party nitelife scene , like it

gave human trafficking vibes from these old ass men

grinding too close to meh and then spilling their

orange ass piss colored drink on moi. like promoters

really pay models to go to these clubs and uber them

back n forth just to make these clubs look better.Butt these clubs ain't even got leg noom????

What wuld u do if u were in the club wiff me and i got

stomped on n I naturally scream MY LEGGGG in

spongebob voice. And Why the FUCK would i pay for

a san pelligrrinno to assimilate to this fancy club

aesthetic ???? LEZ B HONEST .....

.. WE AALLLLL

HATE SAN PELLYGRINO!!!!!!! BLECH!!

so moral of tha storie is take K from musicians who

hurt ur feelings online , support trans mutual aid but

Fuck the trans men that slut shame u for literally

going out n partying, Give they thems money n

Marlboro redz, Take polaroids of urself at nowadayz

then hate being perceived then leave them on the

floor, Sleep with ur contacts in , Don't touch ur

septum ring while K holing , My chemical romance

and pierce the veil are superior, give twinks twinkies,

and Fae/Xe's caramel candiez. And ALWAYS emulate

carrie bradshaw, believe in urself and ur writing and

don't EVERRRRR ASTRAL PROJECT INTO

JOISEY!

stay safe n KUTE and even if u have 4 blisters and 2

corns and 1 bunyon on yr foot just keep remembering

beauty is pain and Just apologize n giggle cutely /

politely decline if someone wanna suck ur toes, it's easy to decline n giggle n decline.

XXOXXXXX, ur fav gossip they , King princess hater

«Ur literally not more gay if u like them cuz they are

literally racist n problematic my friend played the

keys for them on tour so get with it and grow up,

listen to julien baker or Clairo or some shit>, 2021

covid survivor, mosquito bite wear-er, gemini moon

ass chatty ass Cathy ass " Don't u know who i am? energy" emulator, RENNY <3

#blog

[aphrorite]

-ˏˋ sweetheart diaries ˊˎ- #6 !! 💫🧸📔

૮₍ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ₎ა ♡༘

⋆ ✧₊ june 5th 2022 📝💛🍰 ⊹ɞ

oh diairy i m not feleing too well ): i am very sad and tbis is one day aff ter i snuck out bcos i feel sad ,, )):

tw vent // vent regression

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶

im rewrite this morning later bcos i was 2 sad to write last night n couldn finish sentence...

idk i jus. super sad diary,, im hug bear as i write this bos he comfor but he also kinda col so i hope i warm him up w blankie

i jus really sad. i am. i hate m ocd and i feel totally homebound. it make me concerned for finances, even necessity like buying food, watar, or rshampoo, i cant make decisions bcos my mind love to destroy it... and it hard to cope w my ocd bcos i used to handle it for 5 years but now that i kno i really hav it an im diagnose... grade drop n everything TT

they say med start work 3 month but idk if i can suffer tht long w this silly thing. the medicine was good for 2 week then back 2 normal which is inconsistent n unstabl.

so m guess i shoul apply 2 some jobs to see where it take me. i appli to one shoe place already but they enver call back, same go for grocery store. maybe something wron with my resume ? or mayb the opportunity jus not for me, im guess. i told myself id apply to som more so mayb i should do that.

im also jus.. really sad bcos unrequited feeling. last stranger thing hangout w guy i sorta like,, he kept saying stuff i didn like cos i got jealou of the chars and i hate dat bc its rocd tellin me im gonna lose him when its. a. fictional char!!! no one really understand ocd either )): i cant just 'stop overthinking' or 'relax' whch in the moment it helped but it always come back.

so that night (friday night) after he elft call i went out n snuck out. i wore my plaid skirt, my long adidas sweater n stocking so socks = quiet footstep, and was out for an hour ish,,,. i wasnt suppos to but i really didn know hwho to talk to so i .. call my ex, and he listened. he listened even though ir eall y hate him but also dont.

jus walking on the road at 3 am, freezing cos it was 8c in summer, n staring up at the sky at the million of star. i hav never seen them so bright before and it was mesmerizing, but i felt so alone. i like going outside at night alone bcos no one there but this time? i felt alone w my pain.

so i fcalled him, start cryin, end up at the park, laid down on the field and.. stared at the stars. curled up,, talked about my pain,, cried,, and cried,, bcos it was painful 2 say it cos i nevert old anyon before, and then he had 2 go, so then i ran home crying,,, got in bed around 5 am,, did some astronomy sites becos i took some photo and wanted to see wht constellation they were, and went asleep around 7 am.

im sad diary. whenev i go on walk alone outside, it like a relapse to me. idk if it a compulsion becaus, i DO wanna go outside walk alone bcos its nice and i can breathe and restore my energy, but also not good becaus i fee l like i betray god and my family, which is the obsessive intrusive thought. i mean when i go outside ther eis nothing forcing me to except for my mind syain, ''cmon, youw anted to, heres your chance'', etc. so im not sure.

but its over now i guess... i am not very content. because i dont like my ex despit venting, its just bcos he'll listen. idk i am very conflicted when it comes to him, and then i looked him up and saw his new ex,, and it made me laugh becbaus it look like just his type, no wonder.. no. wonder. seeing her sort of made me inadequate, but u cannot compare apples to bananas. we r not the same.

it wa hard.. tryignt o make myself feel bettter. i mnage to try and organize my seagate file ,, tried playing sims 2 before realizin all my data was deleted ,, ): ,,, but reinstalled sims 4 and let it install over night while i sleep.

m gonna write how my past week was n then do to do list.

sory diary ): bear luv u lots. so do unicorn.

╭┈─────── urs truly, ࿐ ˊˎ-

╰┈➤ sweetheart xx

#sfw agere #sfw agere blog #aphrorite.diary #tw vent #🌸 #vent regression

[pilotheather]

thinkin abt how i never understood why tf rose said "why do you sound like ur from the north" to 9 bc i wwas 5 years old and didnt understand things and like even now literally ... even now 9 just sounds like some guy to me.... <3

#egg.txt #do u kno wht i mean #like i didnt realise he had a northern accent for the LONGGGESSST time bc its like............ #thats just how ppl speak <3

[suukc]

sometimes i just feel like i need to visit a church or museum or graveyard

#txt #mine #0: #do u kno wht I mean #connection

[bylertruther]

imagine being the oldest out of the party and you're the only one being normal and an individual and everyone else is calling you immature and making fun of you for wanting to do the things that you all had been doing for literally all of your lives up until a couple months ago because it's suddenly ~cHiLdIsH~ now to want to have fun. and somehow you're the one that needs to grow up and be mature even though your friends aren't respecting their exes' wishes like you are and keep doing the most idiotic things to get them back instead of just apologizing or talking it out with them like any normal "mature" person would do. will is a better person than me because i would've beat them all with my wizard staff (a cool stick i found in the woods)

#no i wouldn't have bc they are my friends. and i love them. and they love me even if they aren't showing it very well rn. but like......... #they need 2 invent a specific form of ptsd for all gay ppl tht went thru what will did in s3 and had to relive it while watching and also #put the gay ppl in the writing room for tht season in prison for life. #hasn't will been through enough.............................. why would they do tht to my boy.... #(i kno why [gay experience + he IS stranger things n its message] but it hurted so bad .... . . .) #mine #also yes this is dustin erasure. im so sorry dustin but u guys get wht i mean.

[gayspock]

part of me wishes i had a better mental sickness barometer ... being so isolated i sometimes its like well i am normal and operating and this is just how it is because the few ppl i see online in these certain circles also have likewise experiences . and then i walk outside and i think to meself.... oh crikey crumbs and crackers ,because whilst i dont wnt to be dramatic i realise im a little unbalanced but THEN its like am i actually or am i jsut being so self-centred right now. <3 am i just thinking im this that and th eother when im not at all and im just a silly goose ...

#egg.txt #do u girls kno wht i mean #its rlly. hhmsdogsddiog. do u kno bc its like- #it feels like everyone all the time is talkin abt how socially anxious they are and on one hand im like yah ofc and so im like #im normal .. its wht everyone is doin #and then i also havent uh talked to anyone properly in years #do u kno wht i mean #and ppl always talk abt how alone they are & cant handle connections and im like oh so its normal #(does not know anyone could walk into the ocean and no one would notice) #(could have done that 3 years ago and idk if the girls would realise) #do u kno wht i mean besties #like i feel like its strange bc its just like i dont even knowhow far gone i am sometimes like im not trying to comapre myself but its hard #to know whether im actually like . Unwell (minor) or like hmmm there should have been an intervention years ago perhaps

[vampyrluver]

i...get tht this cop works w the vamps nd therefore would b against benny but as a black person seeing a cop pull a gun on a black man nd be aggressive towards a black man is not what i wanted to see in this vampire movie

#.txt #i understand its importance to the plot but #am sensitive to police brutality #for obvious reasons #nd ik it isnt racially motivated either but it still is uncomfortable #i dont particularily enjoy seeing police brutality even in fictional settings #nd i mean the police being agressive wasnt racially motivated #i dont think #its bc benny was telling abt wht the vamps were doing nd he works for them i guess nd was like 'u kno too mmuch now' nd pulled a gun on him

[scourge-sympathiser]

its okay to stretch what color the cats are king. heatherstar is canonically pink

livin her best damn life

#askz #& yeh! i pretty much shrugged off realizim back whn i first designed dove #i think itz rly rly cool whn ppl do realistically colored & patterned catz && pat attention 2 geneticz & such i think itz neat as hell #but like those ppl r out here doin tht already my expertise haz nevr been in wht makez the most sense #1 of the earilest warrior catz deisgnz ive got is a jayfeather with bright blue patchez u kno? #course i do enjoy makin em look. Vaugely plausible? but somtimez u assume calicoz also hav brown patchez #& accidentally end up making an extreamly neat sol design #&& i mean. therez also the matter of many of my scourgez who got more & more fuck it he can hav whtevr accessoriez i want as time went on #which is part of why i dont super like my original scene scourge anymore? #hez very much from the era whn i waz still trying 2 be Plausible about it...... despite being....... scene scourge

[seokmatthewz]

here look !!

SCREAM I GOT THE 2ND ONE THE OTHER DAY!!! my cards for marius continue to b garbage tho i keep pulling vyn dbfjfbjf

#asks #millie #follow up question do u kno what 'read private story' means i have it for a quest but i dont get wht it is dnfnfn

[punkcherries]

i am now thinking abt alex and haley sdv

#shut up sombre #stardew valley #platonically i mean. i still dont think theyd be a great couple but i also just love the idea of them having like #a found family sibling dynamic. we have childhood friends to lovers but wht abt middleschool besties to Basically Siblings #i think ive talked in the past abt my thoughts on this like emily being the embarassingly doting big sister to both of them #but like. im thinkin bout it again. its a good dynamic #they kno eachothers most embarassing secrets.... like how alex secretly loves late 90s bubblegum pop divas #or that time haley let her sister do her hair in 8th grade and she had neon pink and green streaks in her hair for a month #haley is more the type to try and use it for black mail but not often i think #imagining them in late middleschool like alex threatening to tell emily when haleys bein rude n shes like dont u DARE #not to say alex is totally innocent. hes probably done shit to try n get back at her when they were kids.... #probably snipped up a few dresses of haleys. stuff like tht #as adults they probably still mess w eachother but like. more chill ig. more teasing n shit #i like the idea of them bein goofballs