#distant and unfulfilling relationships from here on out | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

n3xii · 2 months

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pick a card - what do they feel about you?

this pick a card is intended for people in relationships or have romantic interests, it will tell your energy towards them, their energy towards you and what you share. dont force anything to resonate if it simply doesnt make any sense for your situation.

i do personal readings as well check my pinned post for details! one question readings coming soon <3

pile one- red heels

your energy: three of pentacles reversed

their energy towards you: 4 of cups

shared energy: 10 of cups

With the Three of Pentacles reversed representing your energy, there may be a sense of disorganization, lack of collaboration, or difficulty in working together effectively within your connection. This card signfies a lack of communication or feeling of working on the same page. You may be experiencing challenges or delays in building a solid foundation or achieving mutual goals with this other person. This card suggests that there may be a need to reassess your approach to teamwork and cooperation, as well as to address any underlying issues or conflicts that may be hindering your communication. The Four of Cups representing their energy towards you suggests that they may be feeling emotionally distant or disengaged in the relationship. I pulled the 6 of pentacles reversed to clarify the 4 of cups, honestly im getting that this person is not as invested as you are. the dynmics here are showing up unequally, and this is reflecting in the communication and energy of the connection. They may be experiencing a sense of discontentment or boredom, possibly feeling unfulfilled or uninspired by the current dynamics between you. It's possible that they are longing for something more meaningful or satisfying, i feel like they want more from this partnership but arent getting it, so they became disengaged. They may be struggling to find clarity or motivation. the 6 of pentacles reversed is telling me that they need to put in more investment in this connection so that they can get what they want out of it, instead of being disengaged. Despite the challenges however, the Ten of Cups as the shared energy between you both signifies a deep potential for emotional fulfillment, harmony, and happiness within the relationship. This card represents the ultimate joy and contentment that comes from sharing love and connection with another person. Together, you and this person have the opportunity to experience profound unity, love, and emotional abundance. This card suggests that your relationship has the potential to bring you both immense happiness and fulfillment, provided that you both willing to work through any challenges and nurture your connection with care and dedication. both people have to be invested, and both people need to be communicative about their role in the connection.

Pile two- red mansion

your energy: nine of wands

their energy towards you: the world reversed

shared energy: justice reversed

Your energy towards them is represented by the Nine of Wands, which suggests a sense of defensiveness, caution, and resilience towards this person. You may be feeling guarded or protective of yourself in the connection you have, perhaps due to past hurts or fears of being hurt again. The Nine of Wands indicates that you have been through challenges and obstacles, and you are now standing strong and resilient, but you may also be wary of fully opening up emotionally to this person. The World reversed representing this person's energy towards you suggests that they may be feeling incomplete or unfulfilled in the connection. They may be experiencing a sense of stagnation or inability to move forward, possibly feeling stuck or restricted in some way. The World reversed can indicate a lack of closure or resolution, indicating that they may be grappling with unresolved issues or unfinished business that is affecting their ability to fully engage with you. With Justice reversed as the shared energy between you both, there may be a sense of imbalance, injustice, or disharmony in the connection yall have. This card tells me that theres a shared energy surrounding fairness, honesty, or integrity that need to be addressed. There may be a lack of accountability or mutual respect, leading to conflicts or power struggles within the relationship. It's essential to address any underlying issues of injustice or imbalance and work towards connection where you dont have to feel guarded or cautious for yourself.

Pile three- red necklace

your energy: judgment reversed

their energy towards you: the lovers

shared energy: knight of cups

The judgement reversed here indicates a reluctance or resistance to embracing change. You may be struggling with feelings of self-doubt or indecision, which could be affecting your ability to fully engage with your partner. Judgment reversed suggests that you may be hesitant to confront issues or make necessary decisions, leading to a sense of stagnation or uncertainty towards this person..i pulled the death card as clairfication, this tells me that theres been a cycle that has come to an end in this connection, and this judgement reversed is telling me that you may be resisting this new chapter. you need to embrace what has changed and confront any decisions you need to make.

Their energy towards you is represented by The Lovers, which talks about a deep sense of connection, harmony, and mutual attraction. their energy towards you symbolizes a strong bond and romantic partnership based on love, passion, and compatibility. This tells me that they see you as their ideal partner or soulmate, feeling deeply drawn to you on both a physical and emotional level. Their energy towards you indicates a desire for unity and intimacy as well as good communication.

The Knight of Cups as the shared energy between you both signifies a romantic and idealistic atmosphere in your connection. This card represents a passionate and romantic energy, where both partners are swept up in the intensity of their emotions and desires. Together, you and your partner share the energy of the romantic journey, both are leading with your emotions and both are willing to communicate them. This knight of cups here tells me that although you both share mutual feelings, there is still room for them to develop more in the future.

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i-hate-what-ive-done · 1 year

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Hey, I’m recovering from anorexia, you should too. Do not scroll away, you need to here this.

(Tw for the tags, ignore them. I just needed reach.)

Imagine waking up 5 weeks from now, still starving. Still dying. Still su1c1dal and depressed. You can see yourself like that, can’t you? Fine, but what about 5 weeks from now? 5 months? You won’t be alive by 5 years if you keep starving and self distrusting. This disorder will kill you, and do not say “good, I want that” because that is not you saying that. That is your disorder.

I understand you, and we are sick. Your thinking you’re just becoming healthy, you think you’re becoming worthy and lovable, you think you’re becoming beautiful and handsome. Well you are wrong. You have always been healthy, beautiful, handsome, lovable and worthy. This disorder is making you believe you never felt/were these things so it can make you believe that happiness/beauty/worth/control=skinny. Anorexia is a sick, twisted liar. It is not your friend. It dose not make you feel good.

Anorexia lingers before and after it’s truly here. It will shame your food, clothes, hobbies and family until you break and crumble into anorexias arms. Anorexia not only hurts you, but everyone around you too. Have you noticed how distant you and your friends are? Your family? Yourself? Anorexia thrives in isolation. It will make you angry and sad so you lash out at people, it will make you fear having fun with others, it will torment you and the people you love. It is hard to recover because anorexia is trying to break you just like before.

Are your grades dropping? Is your work becoming sloppy on the job? Do your sentences make sense? Obviously not, you are dying. Your body dosent have the energy to make you function properly. Your organs are failing, your heart is slowing down, your brain is malfunctioning. How many damn times must I say this? You are dying. You have something to live for, a sibling, a pet, a friend, a unfulfilled wish, work, graduation, hobbies, getting better at something, trying something new and even recovery. Do not let this pathetic parasite kill you.

Asking for help is horrifying, sometimes dangerous, but recovery is possible. You need to recover, you are thin enough, you are sick enough, you have been hurt enough. It’s time to live. So take that little energy you have left and get help. I’m doing recovery on my own, so if solo recovery works for you then that’s okay, as long as your recovering. Killing anorexia isn’t just eating a fear food or eating when your hungry, though. Recovery is embracing every insecurity, seeing where this truly started, healing our relationship with food, family, our body and how people have treated us. It will hurt and you will relive every trauma that started this, and it will be hard to not relapse when this time comes, but listen to me and not the voice screaming.

Recovery is worth every ounce of pain. Your fear, your guilt, your trauma’s? all gone. It will never disappear, but it will become a better memory. It won’t hurt to remember. It won’t hurt to be alive. I’m sorry this has happened to us, I love you. Never give up, hope is not gone, recovery is waiting for you on the other side. You are ready.

(national suicide prevention hotline.) 1-800-273-TALK

(national eating disorder hotline) 1-800-931-2237

(National alliance on mental illness) 1-800-950-NAMI

(Anorexia and related eating disorder hotline) 1-888-375-7767

(Substance abuse and mental health hotline.) 1-800-662-HELP

(National domestic violence hotline.) 800-799-7233

(National sexual abuse hotline.) 1-800-656-4673

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hollytoshaw · 6 days

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for the best part two | harry lewis

part two of 'for the best'

part one here

word count : 4.1k

a/n: part two!!!! thank u for all the love on part one hope you all enjoy this next part!!!! <333

warnings: angst, references to sex, alcohol

requests: open for social media au's

rest of my work : masterlist

✩ ✩ ✩

It’s for the best.

And maybe it was, as Y/N stepped out into the cool evening air, her heart feeling heavy from the weight of unspoken words and unfulfilled longing. She couldn’t shake the feeling of emptiness that lingered in her chest—a stark contrast to the usual warmth of Harry’s apartment that she was leaving behind. It now felt cold, just like the look he gave her as he spoke the words she’d wished he never said—it’s for the best.

With every step away from Harry’s building, Y/N felt like she was taking a step further away from something that she couldn’t quite grasp. The connection never fully materialised. And maybe he was right; maybe it was for the best, but that didn’t make her feel any less stupid. The moments of intimacy they shared now felt like distant memories, replaced by the echoes of their silent exchange. They reverberated in her mind, the thoughts of what could have been and what should have been. She felt silly that she had ever mentioned anything. If she had kept quiet and not let her thoughts lead her astray, she’d still be tangled up in his bed, whispering sweet nothings, and her heart would not hurt as much as it did right now.

She knew she’d made a mistake. She knew it three months ago when he was asleep in her room, the sound of his hushed snoring keeping her awake as she looked down at him with his arms wrapped around her. If it had been anyone else keeping her up with their laboured breathing, she’d have told them to be quiet, but it was him, and the sound lulled her to sleep every night. It was something she’d grown used to, something she liked hearing, knowing he was only inches away from her and holding onto her like he never wanted to leave. She felt wanted, and she loved it. She loved it, and she knew it was wrong to love it, and now the thought of never hearing it again, well, it felt like a stab in the heart.

Lost in her thoughts, she found herself wandering aimlessly through the dark streets, the tears on her cheeks glistening in the glow of the streetlights. If anyone had walked past and taken a look at the girl, they would have thought she was crazy. A blubbering mess. And she felt like one too, as she quickened her pace in hopes of rushing home. She needed a release—a cathartic release from the ache in her heart—to go home and scream into her pillow. She wanted to forget everything that had been said in the last hour. To go back to before, when it was casual and she was happy. But she couldn’t because there was no casualty before, and maybe she was never really happy.

Five days had passed since Y/N had left Harry’s flat, and she had spent those five days in the isolation of her own home, not wanting to leave her, ignoring all the texts she got from the girls. She’d even called in sick to work and Cal and Chip knew something was up, she’d never miss a Fellas shoot. Maybe to some, it might have been a bit of a dramatic reaction, but in truth, Y/N felt like her heart had just been ripped out, chewed up, and spat out. She was allowed to be as dramatic as possible.

It wasn’t supposed to hurt this much, either. After all, it wasn’t a real relationship; they weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend; there was no label. It was just a fleeting connection built on half-truths and borrowed moments of intimacy. But Y/N was ensnared; in the tangled web of emotions they’d spun around each other, she felt her heart tethered to Harry’s in ways she couldn’t explain. If only Harry had felt the same.

The girls had had enough. They were worried about Y/N as she kept herself cooped away in the quiet solitude of her bedroom. They knew she was staring blankly at the screen of her phone, watching all their texts pop up, and more than likely reading through the remnants of her text conversations with Harry. They needed to intervene.

Y/N’s friends, Sabina, Fatih, and Laura, knew all too well the pain she was going through. They saw it first hand over the past few months. While they loved Harry to bits—him being a friend of their boyfriends and a friend to them too—they also loved Y/N, and after seeing her wrapped up in this messy debacle, they knew that she was hurting. With bags full of cheap wine, picky bits of food, and their hearts full of determination, they arrived at Y/N’s doorstep one sunny afternoon. They hadn’t bothered texting her before to let her know they were coming, knowing she’d probably make some silly excuse and manage to worm her way out of their plan.

"Alright, ladies," Sabina declared, setting down her bag of groceries. "Operation Cheer Y/N Up is in full swing."

With a chorus of nods, they exchanged smiles before knocking on the door.

Y/N answered, her eyes weary, but a glimmer of surprise danced across her face at the sight of her friends assembled on her doorstep. God, she was in for a long night.

"Babe!’’ Faith said, offering her a warm hug. "We come bearing gifts."

Y/N's lips curled into a faint smile as she ushered the girls inside. They made their way to the living room, where blankets were strewn across the couch from where Y/N had set up camp the past few days, indulging in terrible rom-coms.

They wasted no time in bustling into the kitchen, grabbing four wine glasses and a few plates from her cupboards. Popping open the cheap rose and setting up the snacks, Y/N felt a semblance of normalcy returning. It was nice to see the girls, a reminder that she wasn’t completely alone in this. She had dreaded the thought that she’d have to completely avoid everyone and that they’d all take Harry’s side, but she knew that would have been ridiculous. They were her friends too, and in reality, there were no sides to be taken; it was just between her and him. The group had warned them it was bound to end badly.

‘’How are you coping?’’ Laura asked, balancing her glass of pink fizz on her leg as she sat cross-legged opposite Y/N.

Y/N let out a sigh. ‘’Truthfully, a lot worse than I thought I’d be. I mean, I know it was nothing serious but-’’

‘’Shut-up.’’ Faith swatted the girl next to her. ‘’It was serious. It’s been what? Six months? That’s basically a relationship.’’

‘’I agree. I moved in with Chip at the four-month mark. Half a year and I’d be thinking I’m getting married and having kids with the boy!’’ Sabina laughed.

‘’No, I know, but we never started off dating. It was casual from the get-go, and I foolishly caught feelings. I can’t blame him for not feeling the same.’’ Y/N sighed, resting her head on her hand in defeat.

‘’Y/N, there’s nothing silly about catching feelings. You spent half a year with him. It was bound to happen.’’ Laura spoke.

‘’Literally! There’s no way he could've thought the way he was around you was casual.’’

‘’What do you mean?’’ Y/N said with furrowed brows. She’d hoped there were another two bottles of wine in their bags because she felt like she needed them.

‘’Babe, he was all over you any chance he got. Always talking about you. Ethan told me he was like a broken record on Sidemen shoots, always mentioning you. There’s no way it was casual for him.’’ Faith reassured.

''Well, he pretty much kicked me out; he didn’t even want to have a conversation about it.’’ Y/N spoke, feeling the tears itching at her eyes, but she held them together, not wanting to break down in front of the girls, even if they were her best friends. ‘’Said it was for the best.’’

‘’I can’t believe that!’’

‘’Doesn’t even sound like Harry. I bet he just said it in the heat of the moment but probably regrets it.’’

‘’Have you heard from him since?’’

‘’No, nothing.’’ Y/N paused. ‘’I’m not surprised though; it seemed like he was over it all anyways.’’

The girls sat in silence for a moment as they watched their friend, shoulders heavy with the weight of sorrow she was feeling, and all enveloped her in a massive hug.

‘’This calls for a night out!’’ Faith beckoned from the hug.

‘’I can’t. I don’t want to bump into him yet.’’ Y/N sighed. She didn’t know how she’d react if she saw him. She’d probably want to run out of the bar and back to the only place she’d found comfort in for the past few days—her bed.

‘’Nope, I’m not hearing it.’’ Sabina laughed. ‘’He doesn’t own the place. So what if we bump into him? We need to cheer you up, and 2 for 1 cocktails sound like a good start to me.’’

''Oh, I don’t know-’’

‘’Right, Friday at 7? Let’s meet at the pub.’’

There was no way the girls were going to let her say no. A pub night it was.

✩ ✩ ✩

Harry felt like shit. Complete and utter shit.

For the past five days, his mind had been a tempest of conflicting emotions and he felt completely weighed down by the burden of guilt. He didn’t even know where it all had gone so wrong. He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment but he knew it was all his fault. The image of Y/N’s eyes brimming with tears as she left his bedroom was enough to engulf him in a sea of remorse and he couldn’t get her out of his mind.

Unlike Y/N he hadn’t kept himself hushed away in the four walls of his bedroom. Oh no, that was the last place he wanted to be. He hated being in that room. Every trace of her was still visible and it made him feel sick. The smell of her vanilla perfume still on his pillows, her favourite bra in his chest of drawers and the array of jewellery she had left on his bedside table when she rushed off. She was everywhere and it made him feel like shit.

Instead Harry took every opportunity he could to get out of his flat. Whether it was hours at the gym, drowning his sorrows in the pub or even offering to fill in for Tobi on a Side Plus shoot, he did everything possible to not be home. The boys knew something was up, he’d never offer to do an extra shoot, usually loving his time off. And at the pub too when he returned to his old ways after a few pints and started getting rowdy and mean with them, they knew something was off. They didn’t pry though. They had heard the whispers from their girlfriends that something had gone down between him and Y/N and then knew that more than likely it was his fault.

He’d never felt like this before either. The feeling in his chest was so alien to him. Even when he had broken up with his ex of two years, the pain in his heart was never this bad. And he had no idea why.

He missed her, that's the one thing he did know. He missed her laugh like you’d miss a ray of sunlight on a rainy day. He missed her laughter that danced like a melody through the air. He missed her smile that was so bright it could light up any room. The way she’d sing off key in his shower. Or the way she’d turn up after work with food in hand and a bottle of the red wine he loved. He’d even slept on the side of the bed that she’d preferred, it smelled just like her and he missed it. Course, he missed the sex too but that wasn’t just it, he actually craved her as a person. He could have gone out on a night out and pulled any girl he wanted but the thought made him feel sick. He just missed her so much but he just didn’t know why.

Checking his phone, he saw a text that Chip had sent into the groupchat. Chip : ‘Anyone wanna go pub on friday? 8pm?’

Anywhere was better than home, Harry knew that. So pub on Friday, it was.

✩ ✩ ✩

Friday had come around way too quickly for Y/N. She felt herself facing a dilemma - she had promised the girls she would join them at the pub, but she couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that coiled like a serpent in the pit of her stomach. She couldn’t think of anything worse than necking a few pints and forcing conversation. And she couldn’t budge the idea that Harry might be there, out of her mind. She didn’t know what she’d do if she came face to face with him. She felt sick at the thought.

With a resigned sigh, she dragged herself away from the comfort of her cosy flat and stood before the mirror, staring at her reflection with a mixture of resignation and reluctance. The girls insisted the whole night that a night out at the pub would be just what she needed to lift her spirits, to chase away the shadows that lingered in the corners of her mind. And usually she’d be all for it. She loved a night out as much as the next person but it almost felt too soon. She wasn’t sure if she was ready and deep down she knew he’d be there.

As she brushed her hair and applied a coat of ruby red lipstick, she tried to push the thoughts out of her mind. She had especially caked on the concealer in attempts to hide the dark eye bags that had appeared over the last few days. Her outfit was simple, sporting some black flare jeans and a little baby tee, nothing special but she felt comfortable.

It didn’t take her too long to get to the pub. Just a quick 10 minute walk from her flat and she’d landed outside ‘The Old Queen’s Head’ a local favourite for the group. Sabina and Laura were outside chatting to the security guard and she felt instant relief that she didn’t have to walk in on her own. With a few hugs and kisses on the cheek later, the girls stepped in and went to the bar.

Y/N felt thankful that when she went in all she could see was a few groups of people she didn't recognise and some old men sat at the bar - he wasn’t there. She had never felt such relief. A few 2 for 1 cocktails later and she found herself relaxing. Maybe it wasn’t so bad. Maybe the last few days in isolation were a bit extreme. It was good to be back with the girls, chatting about future plans and fond memories. It was nice.

An hour had passed and Y/N felt slightly buzzed but relaxed. That was until she looked across the table and saw the two girls opposite with wide eyes as they looked towards the door.

‘’For fuck sakes, I told Josh to not bring him.’’ Sabina sighed.

‘’Don’t turn around, Y/N.’’ Laura spoke, squeezing Y/N’s hand.

In any other situation that statement would have been vague and Y/N would have had no clue who was behind her but curiosity went a miss, she knew exactly who it was. Of course, he was here. Why wouldn’t he be? He was always at this pub with the group on a Friday - as if this week would have been any different.

She didn’t dare turn around, feeling frozen on the wooden pub stool. She could hear the chorus of ‘hello’s’ from the boys and she felt sick. Giving a quick smile and a mumbled ‘hi’ back to them, she felt like she was about to faint. With a dizzy mind and sweaty palms, she lifted herself up from her seat, muttering that she needed some air and headed outside with her eyes down, avoiding Harry’s piercing eyes that were focused on her.

She’d never felt more thankful for the crisp London chill in the air that hit her as she opened the door to leave the pub. The cold sent shivers down her spine and knocked her back to reality. She knew she probably looked like a fool, immediately fleeing the scene as soon as he arrived but she didn’t care. It felt like the walls of the pub were closing in on her and she needed to escape - she knew the girls would understand.

Propped up against the brick wall, she let out a breath and closed her eyes. Her mind felt like it was moving at a hundred miles per hour, thoughts racing around in her head. How was she supposed to get over this when she could barely be in the same room as him without her heart shattering into millions of pieces.

She felt defeated and she just wanted to go home and cry. In her own little world, she let her thoughts run wild before she heard a raspy cough next to her, interrupting her inner monologue. She opened her eyes to see who it was but in heart she knew it was him before she could even lay her eyes on him.

‘’Are you alright?’’ Harry spoke softly, running his hands through his hair as he propped himself against the wall next to her.

She wanted to scream. They hadn’t seen each other in days, the last memory of him being him kicking her out and the first thing he said was ‘Are you alright?’. It was laughable.

‘’Am I alright?’’ Y/N laughed, ‘’Oh, I’m fantastic.’’

Harry so badly wanted to roll his eyes but stopped himself, not wanting to fuel an argument between them.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ he paused, ‘’I didn’t realise you were going to be here.’’

‘’Me either.’’ She sighed, finding it hard to even look at him, knowing one look into his eyes would send her haywire. ‘’I wouldn’t of come if I’d have known.’’

‘’Y/N, I just want to apologise. I- I shouldn’t have told you to leave that night. I just didn’t know what to say.’’

‘’You don’t need to apologise. I can’t blame you for not feeling the same.

‘’It’s not that I-’’ he stopped himself, ‘’Look, do you think we can talk about this properly? Somewhere more quiet?’’

She looked up at him properly for the first time. He looked worse than she thought would and she’d be lying if it didn’t make her smile. His eyes were darkened with bags, the t-shirt he was wearing looked like it could use an iron and his hair was messy and unkempt.

‘’Is that your attempt to ruse me back to your apartment? I’m not sleeping with you, Harry.’’

‘’For fuck sake, no.’’ God, he wanted to roll his eyes even more now. ‘’I just want to talk, please, Y/N.’’

‘’Fine.’’ she sighed in defeat. ‘’Just to talk.’’

The walk back to Harry’s was quiet. The pair walked side by side in a silence that was unsurprisingly uncomfortable and they couldn’t help but try and ignore the awkward tension hanging between them.

The street lights cast long shadows on the pavement as they walked next to each other, the sound of their footsteps and cars passing by being the only thing echoing softly in the air. They both stole glances of one another, Y/N noting the way his jaw was clenched slightly and Harry noticing her shaking hands, a sign of the unease that the pair mirrored from one another.

It felt weird to think that not so long ago the two could barely savour a moment of silence in each other's company, always making each other laugh or telling some bizarre story that the other listened to intently. The silence was deafening and they both felt awful.

The walk to Harry’s was a familiar route for Y/N and her heart ached as she walked past the places they used to love going. They passed the park where they had their first picnic, the bench where they shared their deepest secrets, and the bar that they shared their first kiss in. Each sight stirred emotions Y/N had hoped she’d be able to bury, adding weight to the silence that hung heavily between them as they knowingly passed their favourite spots.

They reached the front door of Harry’s flat and all Y/N could think about was turning around and running as far away as possible. But before she could muster the courage to speak and say ‘this is a bad idea,’Harry broke the silence.

‘’Please just come up for a while,’’ Harry sighed knowing that she was regretting coming here with him, he could see it written all over her face. ‘’Just hear me out.’’

Sighing in vanquish, she watched him unlock the door and followed him up the stairs.

His flat looked the same as it did when she rushed out the door last week only this time she could see it clearly, no tears fogging up her vision. It was messier though, piles of plates and cups filling the sink, a few boxes scattered around and the bin overflowing with rubbish.

She mirrored him as he took a seat on the sofa and she purposely sat as far away from him as possible. She could feel herself on the edge of the sofa and if she had tried to move any further away she more than likely would’ve landed on the floor.

"Y/N, I... I just wanted to say..." he trailed off, his voice barely above a whisper.

She looked up, meeting his gaze, searching for the words he couldn't seem to find.

"I'm sorry," he finally said, his voice thick with emotion.

Y/N felt tears pricking at the corners of her eyes as she nodded, the weight of his second apology of the night lifting a burden she hadn't realised she'd been carrying.

"I’ve told you, you don’t need to feel sorry," she whispered, her voice barely audible above the hum of the city outside the window.

‘’No, I do.’’ Harry said, barely meeting her eyes as he played with his hands. ‘’I didn’t mean to tell you to leave, I just didn’t know what to say.’’

‘’And you know what to say now?’’

‘’No- I- ,fuck. It just shocked me, that's all. I’ve never been good with confrontation, even now it makes me feel nervous.’’ he paused, ‘’I never wanted to upset you, I just couldn’t put my feelings into words.’’

‘’Your feelings?’’

‘’Yes. I haven’t been able to sleep since that night. I regret everything I said.’’

‘’But you were right? It is for the best if you don’t feel the same way, Harry.’’ Y/N sighed. ‘’There’s no sugar coating it. You can’t regret what you said if that's how you feel.’’

‘’But it’s not,’’ He wanted nothing more than to reach over and hold her hand, ‘’I can’t sleep because you’re not next to me and it makes me feel strange.’’

‘’You miss the sex? Is that what you’re trying to say?’’ Y/N could barely choke a laugh.

‘’No, obviously not.’’ Y/N narrowed her eyes at his statement. ‘’Not that I don’t miss that- of course I do. I miss that loads-’’

‘’Harry.’’ she cut him off.

‘’Sorry. What I’m trying to say is I miss you. I miss you so much, Y/N. It’s been a week and I can’t think about anything other than you and I don’t know what that means. I’m so confused.’’

Y/N watched him as he blabbered on. If he felt confused then imagine how confused she felt. After a week of thinking he wanted nothing more to do with and now she was hit in the face with his confessions that he missed her. She was baffled.

‘’I’m confused too, Harry. I don't know what you’re trying to say.’’

‘’I’m saying I miss you and the way I’m feeling is something I’ve never felt before. I need you, Y/N.’’ he whispered, barely believing that he was able to get the words out, ‘’I need you so much.’’

Y/N could have died on the spot. Her head was spinning and she knew it was from his confession and not the cheap pornstar martini’s she’d consumed a few hours ago.

‘’I’ve always needed you, Harry.’’ she spoke softly at the boy who was sitting a foot away from her with his head in his hands.

He smiled up at her, removing his hands from his crown.

‘’Will you stay with me tonight?’’ Harry asked gently, ‘’I won’t be able to sleep.’’

‘’OK, I’ll stay.’’

a/n: going to do another part because i live for this angsty y/n and harry duo. hope you all enjoyed this & thank u for all the love xxx

#w2s #wroetoshaw #w2s x reader #harry wroetoshaw #harry lewis #harry w2s #sidemen #w2s fic #w2s imagine #wroetoshaw imagine #wroetoshaw oneshot #hollytoshaw #sidemen x reader #fanfic

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writing-for-me-at-this-point · 1 year

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Heyoooo! I was wondering if the Iseo that you posted about Soap and reader drifting apart after they decided to have a 3some wit ghost was a 1 part thing? If not can their be another extremely angsty part 2?

Cheers, To Us | John "Soap" MacTavish | COD: Modern Warefare II

[ Original ANGST Post, Part One ]

Warnings. mentions of cheating/growing distant, unfulfilled relationships, lowkey toxic relationships

Reader. Fem!reader, female reader, reader has braids, reader is American (American coded? Can't fuckin remember lmao)

AN. I wrote this within the span of one hour and nearly 25 hours with no sleep. Pls enjoy

Tags: @rey26 @trash-important @l1anaisasasama @thatanonymouschocolate (I saw you were looking for part one so here's part two lol) @bbaengtan @corvusmorte @uwu-i-purple-you (saw you guys asking fkr the first one in comments and decided yall might want one AND two lol)

Rain falls, heavy and unforgiving, and your mood seems to dampen along with the ground. Curled into the window seat, the lamp light leaves a warm, dim, tone to wash over you, and a book in hand as your head rests against the lush pillows and curtains. You tried your best to move on, to find peace, and maybe allow yourself to find it as well. God knows you tried.

“Beba, you really gonna sit there and mope, or actually read the book?” Your friend calls out, breaking you from the beginning of a spiral into another descent of depression and anxiety, and a sigh leaves you as the book is shut and tossed to the nearest coffee table.

“Neither.” You groan, meeting her in the kitchen as groceries and necessities are unpacked and put away in the correct areas, allowing you to move and sit at the bar and watch quietly. The silence is comfortable, and your mind settles, something that gratefulness cannot even begin to touch as a description.

“So, you going back? Saw some emails from old friends…” She starts, deep brown eyes staring deeply into yours, before yours find the back of your head, and she only laughs at your antics. She's finished placing things away, and opens the cabinet, the clanking of glass makes you wince just a bit.

“Maybe, not too sure yet.” You start, before a glass comes to your countertop, a vodka bottle soon filling it before filling the cup further from you.

“But?”

“But, Laswell has a place for me through some connections. Intell is always needed, and some guy… eh what's his name?” You wonder aloud, moving to take a sip of the hard liquor, pursing your lips together as you get more… acquired with the taste once again.

“D-Day! That's his name… Wayne “D-Day” Davis” You’re proud of remembering the name.

“That's… a name. A real American, huh?” Your friend snorts, turning away quickly before coming back, leaning against the countertop and nearly finishing her drink there.

“Take it easy, girlie. You’re not the uprooted one here.” You laugh, and she continues on, shaking her head.

“Uprooted. How is that, by the way? Enjoying being back home, rather than Scotland?” It’s genuine, and your eyes still water at the name of your old… home. An old life. One broken away from, because of a stupid decision, one you hate, but had to move on from.

It doesn’t hurt as much as it used to.

“Come on, Hen. Talk to me, please.” His hands move to your hips, desperately trying to grab at you, gentle enough to let you leave, but firm enough to let you know he wants you in his hold.

Stay. Please. He begs in his mind.

“Get away from me, John. I can’t do this right now.” You move from his hands, going to change out of your pajamas into clothing, ready to get things ready for the day. You’re exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally. You wanted to be free of this. Of him. Even if it’s killing you, and your soul would damn you for leaving a love like this behind, but the pain was too much- and you didn’t want this anymore.

It’s not like he’d care.

He has different… priorities.

“Well, when can ya? Ya never seem to have the time for me. Or us.” He’s choked up, and you can imagine the tears welling up in his eyes, but you didn’t find your heart weeping for him like it would have months ago.

You stop moving, tense, dead silent. John can only regret his words and actions so much, but when you’ve been acting like this, he feels more justified in his feelings for Ghost.

But he wanted you too, he wanted you back and normal again. Happy to see him, in love, always talking his ear off and eating the food he’d make for you. The happiness in the air whenever he came home from being gone for months on end at times.

Months… with Ghost. As much as he missed you, he was never as lonely as you were, huh? Never as loyal.

Maybe he should have expected this.

“Well you seem to have the time for Ghost. Why don’t you go to him? It’s what you’ve been doing anyways.” You grit through your teeth, moving across the room to finally change, deciding on what you needed to do first. From the embassy to the lawyer, your mind is running wild and John begging at your hip like a lost puppy isn't helping.

“That’s not fair, Hen…” He whispers, standing in the same place, watching you throw on your clothing and tuck your braids into your hood, desperate to keep warm from the chill. Lord knows “Johnny” wasn’t going to warm you anytime.

“It isn’t fair I lost my husband to a Ghost. Looks like nothings fair nowadays.” You go on, pushing past John to grab your phone and wallet from the nightstand, not responding to his small “goodbye” as you leave the room, and the house soon after.

Yeah, nothing seemed to be fair. Not for him. And especially not for you.

“I’ll be fine. Probably gonna focus on work… friends… family.” You mumble into your drink, deciding to mimic your friend's earlier actions and take a large swing of the liquor, needing to numb your mind for a quick second.

“But not yourself?” She mused, tilting her head, a sad smile gracing her face.

“You would know how to do that best, I’m guessing?”

“What do you mean?”

“Focusing on yourself, and only yourself, after a break up,” She rolled her eyes at you, finding irony in your words, before moving to grab the bottle of vodka and refill your cups of uncertainty and sorrow.

“Valeria.” You finished, and she perks up at her name, clicking her tongue against her teeth before continuing her questioning of you. There's a cheerful sway in her movements and it leaves worrying thoughts only to fester.

“Oh, I know very well. But, that's why you're here, no? To focus on you, and your own needs.” A sigh leaves you once again, and at least you know your lungs are working, while your brain short circuits in reasoning and logic.

“Yeah. My needs, a place to hide, a place that they’ll never find me. Until I go back, that is, a girl needs to work, needs her money.” You finish another glass, and your mind spins, Valeria finds glee in seeing your tongue loosen and speak your mind.

“Two birds with one stone. You get your privacy until you decide on what to do, and I have a piece to use against Los Vaqueros and their friends, a win-win.” Her smile is wide and your heart stutters.

“A piece against them? Or him?”

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.”

Your glasses are filled once again, and clink to a toast, a promise is made and leaves you both satisfied after this night.

You both will get what you want and need, soon enough.

#cod x reader #call of duty x reader #call of duty modern warfare #call of duty modern warfare x reader #john soap mactavish x reader #john mactavish x reader #soap x reader #female reader #reader insert #x reader #queen.writing #fem reader #angst

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stuckboards · 4 months

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Heyyy!!!! May I please have a shufflemancy for Roxy (meeeee) and how I related to my (cherub, I know a troll one too) Calliope? Thank u so much!!!

✰ SHUFFLEMANCY for ROXY LALONDE

SONG :: SHOOTING STARS - BAG RAIDERS

(My interpretation is under the cut!)

It's late and I'm awake, starin' at the wall Open up my window, head floats out the door No one else around, the shimmer takes my eye I lift my head, blinded by the sky

- Feel my weight in front, followin' the sound Moves away so fast, fall down to the ground I know there's more to come, jump back to my feet Now I only see ahead of me, chasin' down the street

Gave my love to a shootin' star But she moves so fast that I can't keep up, I'm chasin' I'm in love with a shootin' star But she moves so fast, when she falls, then I'll be waitin'

Calliope was a very special person for you, catching your eye immediately. Perhaps your love life in the past was unfulfilling or lacking in some way, and Calliope was a person who could change that, making them very special to you.

You guys may have fallen in love or caught feelings for each other very quickly, to the point where you may have met a few obstacles or you felt things were moving too quickly. But, you were both always prepared to work things out and move forward.

Perhaps one of you was more closed off and distant at times, preventing your relationship from reaching its full potential. However, the other was always there to support them and wait for them to open up fully, making your relationship overall seem to be a positive romantic one, even with issues here and there.

#shufflemancy #kin help #introject help #request blog #roxy lalonde #homestuck #mod dirk

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womanexile · 8 months

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I'm going to play devil's advocate (and go delulu) for a moment here: I think Taylor's going to be single for a while now. Why? You're On Your Own, Kid. I've always read tracks 5's as the point of the album. Some examples (im trying to keep it brief and I apologize for spelling mistakes and auto-corrects, it's 1 AM where I'm at):

All Too Well from Red, an album about how complicated emotions can be, has arguably her most "emotional rollercoaster" of a song as track 5.

Dear John from Speak Now, an album loosely based on the concept of "things she should have told people, but never did." has a song directly addressed to Mayer as track 5.

tolerate it from evermore, which I always read as an album about moving on from the past, has a song that discusses a failing relationship (which is heavily implied to have been a marriage or just really long) which, at the end, Taylor is implied to be leaving due to how unfulfilling it is, even if it was once great *coughs in Joe Alwyn* as track 5.

my tears ricochet from folklore, which I always read as an album about directly addressing the hurt the past caused, but not healing from it, has a song that discusses the pain of losing a partner, but explicitly not moving on, as the man still wears the jewels, missing her, while also tossing out blame *cough in Hiddleston/Harris affair and Harry Styles (my favorite duo (Hiddle)/trio (Calcium being an intrusion to all that is good))* and Taylor still speaks to him, while screaming at the sky, and feels she can go anywhere, just not home (which I see as symbolism for love in all TS songs) as the track 5.

Delicate from reputation, which discusses forbidden romance, has the most obvious example of portraying the theme, while also subtly hinting at the relationship being over already in the bridge and her only reminiscing and hoping to be remembered *cough in rep is about Hiddleston delusion*, as the track 5 (yes, I'm the Hiddleswift truther from earlier, hello).

These are the most obvious ones, to me at least.

You're On Your Own, Kid is a funny song in all possible readings of Midnights. I take the album as the third part of the reminiscence trilogy, as I've dubbed it. folklore is about addressing the past, evermore about moving on from it, and Midnights about learning from it. I take each song as her comparing a past situation to her circumstances with Alwyn (YOYOK past situation is obvious so I won't talk about that).

She starts with summer went away, I've always taken summer as symbolic of Hiddleston, but her yearning for love remained, and she tried to play it off as if it's cool, even if it wasn't, because if she did, that relationship would blow up in both their faces, with people already thinking it was PR and Kanye being a clown.

Alternatively, it could be refrencing the end of the honeymoon phase with Alwyn.

She then waits patiently, wanting to be noticed by a friend she likes (Alwyn), whom she potentially chased just because she misses the summer. The anyway is to me, a timeskip, of sorts. He's distant now, smoking with his boys, likely without telling Taylor about it, given that she heard it in his voice (disappearing at random for reasons she's not sure about; I swear I saw paparazzi pics of him kissing Laird in 2022, but I can't provide links, I just know I freaked out) and she touches her phone like it's his face, maybe because they don't talk much anymore and there's distance. In regard to the town line, it might be about how she's grown more closed off since Alwyn. She didn't chose this, she wants to be more open, but she'd stay like this for him. Forever, if need be.

She thought she waited years to meet him, that he's the one, only to learn he never cared and there were better options. All this time she was on her own, and didn't even realize.

She then decides she'll run away because she knows he doesn't love her. The Daisy May part is interesting because that's a nice, obedient woman. Joe Alwyn? Controlling? I wouldn't be shocked.

Now, she takes a taxi to take her there. When else has she used the word taxi? Come Back...Be Here and New Year's Day, ladies and gentlemen, certified Haylor songs. She also mentions dreams not being rare, which Wildest Dreams, ladies and gentlemen, certified Haylor song. It also repeats the better bodies part, meaning Harry was, in her eyes, the better option at that point. I think, Harry and Taylor were communicating throughout COVID after the first Grammy meeting and Harry knew Taylor was having doubts about Joe, que Boyfriends and Matlida, and he may have helped her mourn the relationship before it was over. During their midnight talking chats, he finally told her he still thinks of her, and she acknowledges it here, saying he wasn't alone in that.

She then proclaims how much she's given for a perfect kiss, but it solved nothing, because Joe wasn't perfect and how her friends (also the world and the fans) won't know what to say when she tells them. How the jokes weren't funny (the ones about her being everything and him being just Ken), which she's probably from his perspective, but sarcastically, because it was true, and how she took all the money with her, because he has very little in comparison. Her gown is bloody now, because she just destroyed her chances of ever marrying Joe, whom she wanted that with. But this was a step forward and she shouldn't be afraid. And he can't take away her future experiences. He can talk shit all he wants, it won't change that this is good for her.

So she'll make some frienship braclets and just exist for a little. And she can do that. She's on her own. She has been for a very long time.

- Faithfully, a delulu Alwyn not-enjoyer

I think you’re right about TS & HS communicating right before Covid. I have a theory on this. Both their albums had just come out Lover & Fine Line ( on TS birthday). And there are several things I put together from articles & interviews. I might make a post about it. Covid hits & TS goes off & right folklore & evermore ( with lots of Haylor songs) and HS writes HH (which to me every song is about TS). Satellite he says “I can see you’re lonely down there” so yea Harry knew there were problems with them.

And I never thought about Delicate being about TH. Makes a lot more sense than joe. That timeline is all kind of whack. It doesn’t make sense to me. She meets joe April 29th & is just blown away by him & so into him then a week later she’s being all flirty with TH at the Met & completely ignores joe & gets with TH?

I think she’s probably gonna be single at least till the end of tour maybe. She’s super busy at the moment.

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princecharmingtobe · 1 year

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While watching The Good Place clips on Youtube I feel like I gained some insight about Animal Crossing: New Horizons

Not necessarily new thoughts, but more... clarification of why we have those thoughts/feelings.

So, many people, more every day, are bored with New Horizons. Many got bored very fast. And outside of those who are just really into decorating, most people find themselves falling into unfulfilling routines that make their island feel more like a chore than a place to relax and have fun. And I think, in the case of New Horizons, this scene is insightful. (we are all Michael)

youtube

I think one of new Horizon’s fatal flaws, and this is going to sound a little weird... is that it prioritizes the player’s wants too much. Now I know, I know, “How is doing what the player wants a bad thing???” My thought process is as follows:

- We never have to experience the heartbreak of our best friend on the island moving away while not being able to do anything about it. They only go when you let them.

- We never have to experience the awkwardness or sorrow of accidentally upsetting a villager and having them not want to talk to us for a while. No one will ever get so upset that they turn you away, never being rejected.

- Everyone treats you like their best friend in the world from the moment you meet them. No one will ever be cold or distant or awkward toward you, they will always love you unconditionally.

- Money is ridiculously easy to make, whatever amount you need you can probably churn it out in a matter of days, tops, with a little effort. Or, you know, stonks.

- Progression in general is very fast, even when you’re like me and deliberately play in a slow, easy-going manner, you can very quickly fill out collections and upgrade buildings in very little time.

- You control almost the entire layout of the island. No building (except resident resources), no object, will ever be where you don’t want it to be, even the path of the river is in your control.

And again, you might look at it and go “That all sounds great!” and maybe for some people it legitimately is. But I think for a lot of us, it makes everything... “flat”. A line with no variation of ups and downs is just flat. And that’s how New Horizons feels. Without the inevitable heartbreak of your favorite villager leaving of their own volition, you take their presence for granted. Without that awkward start of a new relationship you can’t really appreciate growing closer to someone. Without the occasional sour interaction you can’t really appreciate the good ones, cause again they’re taken for granted, guaranteed. If there’s very little struggle to progress, how can you appreciate it when you do? And when you control everything, you never get to appreciate the contributions of others.

Here are some of the memories from the old games that have stuck with me over the years that sort of inform this opinion of mine:

- When Chief, a cranky villager, first moved to my town we did not get along. He was a mean old cuss who wanted nothing to do with me, and I hated him. But over time doing errands for him (cause back then that was one of the main ways to get things especially early game) he warmed up to me, and I in turn warmed up to him. And I became very fond of him, he was my wise old man friend who offered me life advice.

- When Monique moved in to my town, despite being snooty I instantly liked her. Why? Because I got stung by bees that day, and as you might know, the villagers on the gamecube could be quite mean, Even the nicer ones were making fun of my face or else acting scared of it, and yes, that did hurt my young child feelings. But then I went to greet the new neighbor, Monique. And she didn’t say a goddamn word about my face, and was comparatively polite to me. I know now that this had to do with her first meeting interaction cancelling out the bee sting reaction. But in that moment I was just happy she didn’t make fun of me like everyone else had, so I quickly developed an emotional bond with her. On top of that, in her first errand she paid me by giving me her grape shirt, which at the time was a Gracie Grace item, something I had yet to ever obtain. So of course little me was proudly strutting around my town showing off my rare High Fashion item. I also got to delight in Gracie herself acknowledging my Fashion Sense the next time she was in town, compared to her usual insults.

- In my original Wild World town Chevre was my next door neighbor and best friend. And of course, she did eventually move away. And yes, it did hurt. Probably the one that hurt the most. But you know what? I think that’s why I remember her above the others. I couldn’t tell you who else I had in that old village, but I remember Chevre, and how much I loved her, and how it broke my heart when she left. I look back on that hurt fondly, because it reminds me how happy I was having her as a friend at a time when I didn’t have a lot of friends, or good things in general.

- My favorite festival in Wild World was the flower contest, where you got I think a week to decorate around your house with flowers. And everyone did it, and the whole town was filled with flowers, and villagers were creating their own hybrids, and I was stealing them to replant around my own house like the gremlin that I am. You’d never get that in New Horizons because that requires the villagers to contribute something to the island: Flowers. The best they can do now is water the flowers you grow, because god forbid the other residents of the island try to change any detail of your perfectly planned picturesque island, right?

If Chief had been super friendly right from the start I wouldn’t have gotten to appreciate that slow warm up to each other. If everyone had simply been kind and sympathetic toward my bee sting face I wouldn’t have appreciated Monique’s relative politeness (and may have even disliked her for being snooty). If it wasn’t so dang hard to get Gracie Grace items I wouldn’t have appreciated that grape shirt nearly as much. If I hadn’t experienced the heartbreak of Chevre moving away she probably would have faded into my memory like everyone else in that town, and I wouldn’t have such fond feelings toward her. The lows made the highs feel all that higher. And the flower festival was just fun seeing what flowers the villagers would plant and then stealing the best ones for my own garden =w=

Come to think of it, similar things have been said about The Sims 4 (on top of it also just being painfully broken). It’s super easy to make money, to progress, to keep your sims happy and healthy. People have to fall back on self-imposed challenges, mods, and making up their own drama in order to have any kind of challenge or depth to the game because it’s essentially a utopia simulator, and that doesn’t make for very interesting storytelling. Great game for builders though! Hm, I’m seeing a pattern...

So yeah, that’s my take on the matter. Most of us, whether we consciously realize it or not, crave those highs and lows. And without the lows, the highs feel flat. It’s sort of like that quote from Angel...

“The wheel keeps turning. You can’t stop it. Sometimes things get worse, sometimes they get better. It’s like a song. Now, I can hold a note for a long time... actually, I can hold a note forever... but eventually, that’s just noise. It’s the change we’re listening for. The note coming after, and the one after that. That’s what makes it music.”

#really long rambly post that I'm sure a lot of people will disagree with #but it's been occupying my brain today

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apotatomashedbybts · 2 years

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But You Do...

➡Pairing: Doctor!Kim Namjoon × oc (Seo Lee)

➡Genre: fluff, angst, romance

➡Trope/au: strangers to lovers, slice of life

➡Rating: NC-17

➡Triggers/warnings: Graphic depiction of verbal abuse and emotional abuse, infliction of harm to health, toxic family relationships, description of pollen allergy, lots of crying, OC's mother is a bitch

➡Word Count: 3.5k+

➡Banner(s): made by apotatomashedbybts

➡ Summary: A simple wish of having a loving family was never so simple for Lee. So when she ran away from that unfulfilled wish she realised that not all wishes are granted the way they are wanted. And sometimes a loving family can be a single person too.

➡ Disclaimer: This fanfiction was originally posted 2 YEARS AGO ON JULY 03, 2019 AT 12:34 AM. The description of the symptoms and effect caused by the allergy and the treatments may not be accurate. The italics indicate flashbacks/past incidents.

➡ Author's note: I wish I was this consistent when I was posting these chapters originally! But at least I am going to do that for the first three chapters now. Again as I said in the first chapter, I hope and pray no one is going through such time. And if someone is then please reach out. Even venting about it helps a lot.

Let me know your thoughts on this one! I always appreciate and look forward to feedbacks. And they give me motivation to writeeeee!!! :)💜🌼

The alarm clock pulled Lee out of her dreamless sleep earning itself a groan from her.

"Why did I even put on the alarm in the first place?" She thought to herself irritatingly and pulled the blanket closer, clearly attempting to get some more sleep. After about half an hour, she woke up to check the time. With half closed eyes she saw that it was 10:30am. Her head felt heavy and she thought to herself, "Ah! I will sleep for 30 minutes more." Then rolling over she stuffed her face into the pillow and went back to sleep again.

She woke up with a start, head still dizzy from sleeping so much, and looking at her mobile she noticed that it was 2:45pm. "I will sleep for five minutes more. I am not that hungry yet." She convinced herself and like that her five more minutes turned into a few more hours and when she finally woke up the sun had already gone down and her stomach grumbled like thunder because of hunger. Pulling herself out of the bed she took a quick shower and decided to eat outside because she wasn't feeling like eating that hotel's food tonight.

Walking through the crowd of returning office workers she sighed heavily. She wondered if her life would be like that one day too where she could return back to her family at the end of the day. But again the memories of family only pained her and that's why she took this decision to begin with. She told herself that days will get better and stopped in front of a tteokbeoki shop. Inhaling the savoury scent she walked in smiling and took an empty seat in the corner.

As Lee made herself comfortable and waited for the waiter to approach her a group of cheerful young boys and girls entered the shop and took the empty table that was just opposite to her's. She tried to ignore all the ruckus that they were causing but then suddenly her eyes caught something which made her heart participate in a tantrum along with her brain.

"Holy fuck! I totally forgot that Linda's distant friends are coming today for the late bachelorette party! Oh God why are you doing this? Why here of all places?"

Her body reacted involuntarily and she moved to the opposite seat where her back was facing at them. She prayed hard to go unnoticed by her sister and thanked God that she decided to wear the new hoodie tonight that none of her family members had seen yet. Putting on the pollution mask she shook her legs anxiously as the waiter reached her to take the order. She pulled away her mask slightly and almost tried to whisper out the words - out of fear that her sister would recognise her voice - and said, "I'll order a tteokbeoki to go please. And also please make it quick. I am actually in a bit of hurry," and displaying a constipated smile she went back to her anxious leg-shaking session.

Lee couldn't remember when was the last time she had walked so fast. It was as if a psycho killer was on a hunt for her. Releasing her body on the bed she took in the much needed breath and sighed loudly.

"Why do I always find myself running away from the ones I love? Why am I so unlucky?" She asked the unknown entity and wiped away the tears that had started to fall.

"Come on mom! You can't do that! You know that Lee is allergic to flowers! If you are planning on decorating the whole venue with flowers then you are definitely doing a mistake?"

Lee could hear her brother argue with her mom from inside her room. She just felt bad for her brother that he had to argue for her. In this family only her brother was the one who had ever supported her. Though her father sympathised with her but he never visibly supported her, at least never in front of his wife.

"What do you mean by I am doing a mistake? An wedding venue without flowers? It's our Linda's wedding! You know how much she likes flowers! Of course I am going to decorate the whole venue with flowers!" Mrs. Seo retorted.

"Then at least don't make her the maid of honour! She shouldn't even attend the wedding. Mom! You will kill her!" Lee could sense the extreme anger in his voice. She just wanted to go out and stop them but she knew that it would only make everything worse. So she decided to go back to what she was doing - searching for potential jobs online.

"See Logan, it's totally Lee's fault that she is allergic to flowers! And she IS going to be the Maid of Honour, no matter what! There's no one who is willing to take the pressure of that position! So swallow it and shut up. I have work to do." Saying this she went to her room humming happily, a happiness that came from victory.

Logan turned around, frustrated because of the evident defeat, and noticed that Linda was leaning on the kitchen door with a lollipop in her mouth. It was quite clear from her expression that she watched the whole argument and was quite happy with how it went.

It didn't take much time for Logan to understand what was happening, so he went straight upto her and asked, "It was you, wasn't it? How could you?"

She rolled her eyes and taking out the lollipop from her mouth, replied, "Me? What did I do? Why are you charging at me?"

"Come on! Do you think I am a fool who can't see through you? You are the reason behind mom being stubborn!" Logan replied after scoffing.

"So what? It's my fucking wedding! I like flowers and I will decide who my maid of honour will be! It's none of your business! Fill your wedding venue with plastics for all I care and stay away from ruining mine!" Logan looked at her frustratingly as she turned on her heels and went into her room after saying all these.

A defeated sigh made its way out of his lungs and Logan turned around to go back to his room only to find Lee standing outside her door and looking at him - a look that he could recognise right away, a look that he was habituated to see since he was mature enough to understand - with sadness and gratefulness.

She walked up to him and ruffling his messy hair smiled at him with adoration. "I am sorry. It's my fault that you have to go through this all the time." She said choking back the tears.

"It's not your fault! It never was!" He replied, and looked away sighing.

"Okay! Leave this. Let's go get some ice cream outside! Hmm? My treat!" She looked at his face with a pleading look. A desperate try to calm him down sat down in her heart.

He just nodded and smiled, trying hard to not make his sister more upset. Since he was a child, the difference in treating his oldest sister and the others in family was quite apparent to him and he couldn't help but protest against it. He loved his oldest sister dearly and could understand how miserable she felt but his opinions regarding Lee had always been next to nothing to everyone else in the family.

"Ah! The weather is so nice today! Which flavour should we get?" Lee asked with a cheery smile and looked through the menu placard.

"I want the vanilla ice cream with honey!" Logan said, pointing to the one he wanted.

"Okay then! One vanilla ice cream with honey and one rainbow cone, please." Lee ordered with a polite smile.

Instead of returning right away, they sat on the swings in the nearby park and talked while eating the ice creams.

"Are you sure that you will be okay with this?"

Lee could understand that Logan was never going to stop worrying but there was nothing she could do too. So she accepted her fate, her mother's judgement.

"I'll be fine. Don't worry! I'll go through this just fine! You should worry about yourself. Aren't you going on a date with your crush, Belle, tomorrow? Let me give you some useful tips!" Lee winked at her brother.

"Ah! Stop, I will just deal with it right! And restrict yourself from thinking yourself as some kind of love guru, ha ha ha, you are the one here who needs an advice." Logan burst out laughing while leaning towards his front.

"You are such a brat! I am not talking with you! Hmph!" Lee turned her head to the other side showing fake anger. Her brother's small teasing were one of the few things that kept her happy and these felt a lot better than her mother's hurtful words.

Logan knew what would make his sister turn her face towards him. He began swaying the small bowl of half-filled ice cream in front of her nose and started luring her, "Ummm this flavorful ice-cream would just go to waste of I don't finish this right now. I am just gonna gulp this down like water and may be not share this with Lee-the-food-monster. Hmm hmm I should do that." And started taking it back real slowly. Lee just couldn't let the opportunity slip away - she snatched the small bowl from her brother's hand and putting a spoonful in her mouth shoved her half finished cone in Logan's hand and giggled. Oh, how she wished these giggles lasted longer.

"Oh so you are back! Done spoiling your own brother? What good have you ever done? What will you ever do with that evil brain of yours?" The stone storms started as soon as they stepped through the door. Their mother was just waiting for them to "place them on the right track'.

"At least I won't bully my own daughter!" Lee replied and suddenly loud cheers and the song La-da-da-da-dah /It's the one and only D-O-double-G started playing in the background and someone put black sunglasses on her eyes and a cigar in Lee's mouth .

"Are you even listening to what I am saying? Whenever I am seeing you, you are always staring into the space and daydreaming!" The shout from her mom pulled Lee out of her trance and she blinked her eyes several times realising that it was only her imagination. She sighed loudly and stayed silent - after all her replies would only get more replies back.

Her mom shook her head in frustration and said, "I can't stop you from being a disappointment but do me a favour and go to sleep! Next week is your sister's wedding and the last thing I would want is to get blamed for your horrible looks. And Logan, dear, stop hanging out with her so much honey, it's for your betterment." Piercing this words through Lee's heart Mrs. Seo went back to her room.

"Hey, let's go to sleep okay? Good night!" Lee wished her brother in a shaky voice and went inside her room in a hurry. Logan knew what she was going to do now but he had nothing he could do so he whispered a small 'I love you' to her before she closed the door behind her.

Switching off the lights she curled into a ball on her bed. She did this every time she got hurt by her mother. It was as if she was seeking the warmth in herself that she wanted from her mother. By this time she should have gotten used to all of these but still she hadn't. All she ever wanted was a loving family, a loving mother like they show in the TVs, like her friends had. She wanted to hear loving words but all she ever heard from her mother was how she wanted to die because of her. She thought it was ridiculous that no matter how much she was hurt, no matter how much her heart was wounded, she always went back to seek that unreachable warmth, she always called out in a silent voice to her mom to soothe her in between her uncontrollable sobs. But the silent screams that faded into the darkness were the only companions she had and sometimes she didn't even mind them.

~Wedding day~

Lee hummed happily while getting ready for her sister's big day. The main reason was though not the wedding, it was her job confirmation that she received last night. She have to move to Seoul for it next month and she had decided to share the happy news with everyone at evening while giving toast. She hurriedly made a few important calls reminding all the bridesmaids to arrive at the venue sharply at 11 am and went to have her breakfast before doing her make-up. She was alone at her house because her mother had strictly told her to arrive at the venue just half an hour before the ceremony began and she herself had drove away to the venue along with the others at dawn. Though surprised at such a weird order Lee dared not to question her mother so she had kept shut and stayed back.

Arriving at the venue Lee looked into every arrangements carefully and though she had taken her medicines in the morning, the presence of so many flowers were not being her friend at all. Displaying a troubled smile she went in to bring the bride and corrected the order in which everyone was going to enter the altar.

She was going to enter the venue alone right after bridesmaids and ushers. She smiled to herself nervously and entered when suddenly a bucket full of pink rose petals fell on her. She was surprised at first then horrified after realising what just happened. A few seconds passed by before her eyes blurred out slightly and she noticed her mom smiling with satisfaction. She quickly walked to the altar to take the inhaler secretly and waited impatiently for the bride and groom to take their vows. After the completion of vows she quickly walked over to her mother and said, "Mom, can you please come with me to the guestroom?"

Her mom sighed reluctantly and followed who was followed shortly by Logan.

"What is it?" Her mom demanded. Lee rummaged through her bag frantically for her medicines but there weren't any. She remembered that she had forgotten to buy the refills amidst the weddding preparations and cursed herself mentally. She turned around to face her mother who had an unpleasant look on her face. Lee took the inhaler sharply and asked, "What is it? Are you asking me that question seriously? Is this some kind of sick joke? See mom, I know you don't like me but you didn't have to do this!"

Her mom displayed a shocked expression and replied, "What do you mean? That was only because I wanted to create a beautiful moment for you!"

"Are you even listening to yourself mom? Sorry for talking to you like this but you have lost your mind! The thought of 'creating beautiful moments' for me never crossed your mind for even once in all these fucking years and now you are doing this in front of everyone when you are clearly aware of the fact that I am allergic to flowers! You know very well how they affect me!" Lee started breathing heavily after saying all these without a break and noticed her brother entering through the door quietly.

"It's totally your fault that beautiful things never suit you! How can a human being can be allergic to such beautiful things? This shows how bad of a soul you are! It feels so unbelievable that I gave birth to a child like you! What wrong have I ever done to have you? Look at your sister! And look at you! You can see the difference, right? Why don't you kill me already! Or die yourself! Seriously I can't stand you in front of my eyes! And as I have never, I will never love you in the future! You are just a curse! And you honestly wanna know why I did what I did?" Her mother moved a little closer to her with the last sentence and after all the yelling, now with a low voice she answered it herself, "I was taking care of 'my' trash."

Lee felt like her mother was shooting daggers at her that pierced right through her heart and the last sentence was the last shove to all the daggers. She felt a surging pain in the middle of her chest. She felt like she would die if she stayed there in the same place as her mother even a few seconds longer. So she ran and the last thing she heard before dashing out of the room was her brother saying, "Mom, that's enough! You have crossed your limit!"

Lee woke up from her curled up position with a start when her phone started to ring loudly. She furrowed her eyebrows at the unknown number and picked it up reluctantly.

"Hello? Is this Seo Lee?" A soothing careful voice spoke from the other side of the phone.

"Dr. Kim Namjoon?" She asked surprised.

"H-how? How did you know it's me?" Asked an even more surprised Dr. Kim Namjoon.

"How can I ever forget such an endearing and soothing voice?" Lee whispered to herself.

Not catching what she said Dr. Kim replied, "Sorry.. what did you say?"

"Ah! Nothing, nothing. It's just that I remember your voice! By the way how did you get my number?" Embarrassed, Lee answered quickly to avoid the topic.

"Actually I think you haven't noticed yet but you dropped your wallet at Nari's Tteokbeoki! I was here by chance today and found it lying on the bench. To find the owner I looked into it, sorry for that, and found out your identity card. And a note with number for lost and found purposes," he explained calmly.

Hearing what he said Lee looked around her as if to confirm that she was really missing her wallet. Not finding it she facepalmed and asked herself mentally, "Why am I even doubting him?" and said humbly, "I am so sorry that you had to go through this because of me. Can you please tell me where you are then I can come and pick up my wallet?"

"Of course, I am right here at Nari's Tteokbeoki! I thought may be you live somewhere near and that's why I didn't go anywhere else. I'll be waiting right here! Please take your time." He replied politely.

"Thank you so much. I am hanging up now. See you soon Dr. Kim." Lee replied happily and hung up.

Heaving a relieved sigh Lee rose up to look herself in the mirror and started humming a song that she had listened to recently. She didn't know why but she could sense that she was really happy that she was getting to meet Dr. Kim. She never thought that she will see him again soon but the situation made it possible and her heart fluttered for an unknown reason. She decided to keep the feeling; she wanted to feel the happiness she was feeling right now without caring whether it'd hurt her later or not.

Reaching outside the tteokbeoki place she looked around and inside carefully to see if Linda and her friends were still there and sadly they were.

"For how long are they gonna stay here? Geez!" Lee thought to herself and went to the alley beside the shop.

She took out her phone to call Dr. Kim when a tap on her shoulder startled her and made her turn around with a start. The surprised look on the handsome man's face before her made her calm down a bit and she scratched the back of head embarrassingly, repeating a train of sorry-s.

"You don't have to apologize so much. Here, your wallet. I am glad that I found it otherwise it could have went to some bad people's hands." Dr. Namjoon Kim replied smiling.

Lee looked at his smiling face and wondered how a human being could be so ethereal. The heart that was thumping madly until now out of fear was still thumping but for another reason.

"L-let me treat you to coffee tomorrow if you are free!" Lee blurted out before she could even think it through and crossed her fingers mentally wishing to not get rejected.

"Sure! I would love that. Let me walk you home then!" He offered, the angelic smile still hung on his lips.

"No no, it's totally fine. It's not far from here and the place is always busy too! So there will be no problem at all. I'll reach home safe! You already did a lot!" Lee blabbered out, still contemplating the fact that he agreed to her offer and also not wanting him to find out that she was staying at a hotel.

"Okay then.. reach home safely. I'll text you when I'll be free tomorrow. See you later. Bye!" He said and waved cheerfully before turning away and disappearing into the crowd.

A happy sigh came out of Lee's lungs and she asked herself, "Why did I bring up the coffee suddenly?"

The answer was clear, "Because I want to see him again."

■□■□■□■□■□■

->Chapter three

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rustedleopard · 2 years

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Here’s my personal interpretation of Jeff and Dr. Andonut’s relationship:

IDK who or what sort of woman decided to get into a romantic relationship with Dr. Andonuts, but I feel that Dr. Andonuts met his future partner in graduate school. The relationship did go well initially, but over time, Dr. Andonuts got more involved in his work and grew emotionally distant and this put a strain on the relationship. Jeff was essentially a sort of last ditch effort to try to make things work, y’know the classic “maybe if we throw a baby into this failing relationship, it’ll tie things together” maneuver. It didn’t work out.

Dr. Andonuts was fine with having a kid with her because he saw it as cultivating a future investment; having another Andonuts to work with him in the lab once they grew up enough would do wonders with him in the scientific field. He didn’t really consider that his child will be their own thinking, feeling being with their own agendas.

Jeff’s mom did hang around for a few years raising and taking care of him, which is why he didn’t die from straight up neglect during early childhood, but she eventually got tired of being in an unfulfilling relationship esp. with the baby not helping to tie things together and just up and left one day without bothering to try to fight for custody. This happened before Jeff was mentally developed enough to gain any significant memories of her. While he can understand why she left, the fact that she did so without even trying to remain in his life through some method or another means that he’s entirely indifferent to her. This is worse than his feelings about Dr. Andonuts.

Dr. Andonuts raised Jeff for only six months before essentially chucking him into Snow Wood Boarding School. Those few months were... really terrible for both of them.

Despite the fact that Snow Wood is a boarding school, they have an age restriction for enrolling children in the boarding school program (8 years old, at minimum, though most start enrolling for the boarding program around age 11). Dr. Andonuts had enough influence both as a graduate and as a famous scientist that they were willing to make an exception for his son, who was enrolled at age 4.

Jeff did spend the first few months separated from Dr. Andonuts lashing out and exhibiting behavioral problems (y’know, on the account of being a neglected child), which the school diligently reported back to Dr. Andonuts. While he read the reports, he never once did reconsider his decision. As soon as Jeff realized that no matter what he did no one’s coming for him, he stopped acting out.

The reports the school filed got thinner over the years, until they could basically be summarized as “he’s doing fine” (which actually means not causing problems/being disruptive). The bedwetting comment that Dr. Andonuts makes on your second trip to Winters was the last significant thing that got reported back to him, and that was many years ago.

Because Dr. Andonuts is so famous and because Snow Wood Boarding School is his alma mater and because he left such a strong impression, even after graduating, lots of people (staff, students, faculty) make comparisons between the two of them. Dr. Andonuts and Jeff are alike in some regards (like being very driven, intelligent, and a bit eccentric) but considering the fact that comparing a child to his neglectful father is very *winces and sucks air through my teeth*, he sees it more as an insult than a compliment.

I’ve seen some headcanons that Jeff was causing lots of explosions/was getting into detention a lot/was known as this mad scientist around school, but I’ve personally never seen him like that. I’m not saying that he never invented anything (of course he did, he’s Jeff), but if your dad is known as this “super scientist guy” and you want to dodge comparisons between the two of you, then you’re gonna try to keep your interest for science on the down low. This means not enrolling in the science club he founded and keeping your outward interest in the subject as quiet as possible when you’re around others and inventing stuff in private and not showing off to others.

This also ties into my belief that Jeff was a rule follower at Snow Wood: not because he feared the consequences of causing problems or because he believed that rules were made to be adhered to (in fact, he’s stolen a bunch of stuff like mercury thermometers that the school was slated to throw out and did all sorts of dangerous stuff for the sake of science), but rather because he just didn’t want to stand out. He got very good at hiding his passions from the world.

Pre canon Jeff wished that he didn’t care so much about his relationship with his dad.

Post Stonehenge is when Dr. Andonuts first starts to realize that Jeff is his own person and that he might have missed out on something significant by shipping him off to Snow Wood.

The reason why Jeff remained with Dr. Andonuts in Saturn Valley post canon is 1) Snow Wood Boarding School temporarily shut down on the account of settling everything that happened with some of their students getting kidnapped and 2) Because his father extended interest in trying to work on their relationship. Jeff was giving him a chance.

Despite that though, their relationship can’t really be described as familial. They work well together, they like lots of the same things, they can have casual conversations about whatever insane thing they read in their favorite scientific magazine, but missing out on approximately 10 years of life together has left a deep gouge in their relationship that none of them are willing to address. While Dr. Andonuts might be willing to talk about more personal subjects with Jeff, Jeff would not do the same with his father.

While pre canon Jeff defined his life on dodging comparisons between him and his father as much as possible to the point that it prevented him from doing things that he wanted to, post canon Jeff isn’t hung up on this. He knows that he’s his own person, that he has people that care about who he is as a person (Tony, Maxwell, Ness, Paula, Poo), and that he’s not his father. If someone is approaching him with the expectations that he’d be a mini-Dr. Andonuts, then that’s their shame for being myopic. The fact that he starts inventing things publically without fear of being compared to his father is great for his character, but it’s absolutely menacing for all the staff at Snow Wood who were used to him being meek.

Dr. Andonuts and Jeff did end up collaborating on quite a few projects together and even ended up sharing a patent on the Instant Revitalizing Machine, among a few other things.

Two to three years in the future, when Dr. Andonuts got kidnapped by Porky, he isn’t able to leave a note explaining what happened to him nor are there any signs of struggle, so Jeff just assumes that Dr. Andonuts up and abandoned him. It was a very upsetting time for him because, from Jeff’s angle, it looked like Dr. Andonuts decided to go back on all the work that they both put into trying to reforge their relationship. Jeff didn’t even bother to look for him because he just assumed that his father decided not to bother to change.

Jeff did end up inheriting his father’s lab, all of his patents and blueprints for new machines, and his fortune. Jeff had the lab demolished, sorted through the blueprints to remove the more useful invention ideas from the eccentric ones designed to make money, sold most of the patents, and invested most of the money in philanthropy.

Jeff grew up, got married to Tony, and adopted and raised a happy family. His new laboratory was located in a small city where he willingly took on interns from the local university, and helped to bolster the careers of those around him. Most of his inventions focused on things that could help people, such as food printers, more efficient methods of harnessing nuclear energy, and robotic prosthetics that broke the boundary between the biotic and abiotic worlds. The patents for his inventions were incredibly cheap because he made his inventions to be shared with the world. Despite the importance of what he was creating, he remained incredibly modest and down to earth.

Some people might say that he did that to spite his father, a notorious recluse who’s inventions focused more on flashiness than on usefulness in the day-to-day world, but Jeff isn’t nearly so shallow. He merely saw what sort of man his father was and decided that he was a person not worth imitating. While he never reached the same levels of fortune and fame that his father did, he lived a long life and died happy and beloved.

Several hundred years in the future, Dr. Andonuts ends up on Nowhere Islands. He recognizes the blueprints for reconstruction projects on animals that break the boundary between living and machine; he recognizes the designs for the robots with advanced artificial intelligence and nuclear powered batteries: while they are reverse engineered from alien technology, Jeff always did have a distinct touch to his designs. If he knew to what ends his inventions were used for, Jeff would be spinning in his grave like he was centrifuged.

When Dr. Andonuts searches for more information regarding the fate of his son, he stumbles across a bibliography written about Jeff’s life written in collaboration with him. It covers his early life at Snow Wood Boarding School, a vague account of the War on Giygas with most of the grittiness as well as some secrets of the Earth scrubbed out, his life during university and graduating, his rise to fame and inspirations for his inventions, and some accounts about his personal life (with much respect to his husband’s and childrens’ privacy). There isn’t a single mention of his father in it.

#earthbound #jeff tag #in which i say 'imma keep this list short' then proceed to write over 1500 words on it #sticking this under the cut because it's a bit lengthy #also ignore the fact that i change tenses like a madman.#i was not paying attention to the fact that i kept doing that until i read it back

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akaraboonline · 1 year

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Bored With Your Relationship: 10 Honest Reasons, Signs & How to Fix It

Are you starting to feel bored with your relationship? All is not lost! You just need to work out the reason and then make moves to fix it. Feeling bored in a relationship is not uncommon, and it can happen for a variety of reasons. It's important to be honest with yourself and your partner if you're feeling bored in your relationship. Here are 10 honest reasons why you might be feeling bored in your relationship, signs that you're experiencing boredom, and how to fix it. 1. Lack of novelty and excitement One of the most common reasons for feeling bored in a relationship is the lack of novelty and excitement. Doing the same things over and over again can become monotonous and make the relationship feel stale. Signs: Feeling uninterested or apathetic towards spending time with your partner, finding yourself easily distracted during activities together. Fix: Shake things up by trying new things together, whether it's a new hobby, adventure or travelling to a new place. Plan a surprise date, try a new restaurant or activity. Remember that spontaneity is key to keeping things exciting. 2. Emotional distance Signs: Feeling like you don't have anything in common with your partner, lack of communication or feeling misunderstood. Fix: Schedule regular date nights, communicate openly and honestly about your feelings, and spend quality time together. Make an effort to share new experiences and interests with each other. 3. Lack of intimacy Physical intimacy is an important part of a romantic relationship. If there's a lack of intimacy or sex, it can lead to boredom and frustration. Signs: Avoiding physical contact or sex, feeling unfulfilled or unsatisfied. Fix: Communicate openly about your needs and desires with your partner. Try new things in the bedroom, explore fantasies together, and make time for physical intimacy. Feeling emotionally distant from your partner can lead to boredom. If you don't feel connected to your partner, you may feel like you're just going through the motions in your relationship. 4. Lack of communication Communication is key to any healthy relationship. If there's a lack of communication, it can lead to boredom and feelings of disconnection. Signs: Feeling like you don't have anything to talk about with your partner, avoiding conversations or arguments, feeling like your partner doesn't understand you. Fix: Make time for open and honest communication, share your thoughts and feelings with your partner, and actively listen to what they have to say. Schedule regular check-ins or therapy sessions to work on communication skills. 5. Different interests and goals If you and your partner have different interests and goals, it can lead to boredom and a lack of excitement in the relationship. Signs: Feeling like you don't have anything in common with your partner, avoiding activities that your partner enjoys, feeling like you're not growing together. Fix: Find common ground and shared interests, try new activities together, and support each other's goals and passions. Embrace the differences and try to learn from each other. 6. Lack of support Feeling unsupported by your partner can lead to feelings of boredom and frustration. Signs: Feeling like your partner doesn't understand you, not feeling supported in your goals or passions. Fix: Communicate openly about your needs and desires, be supportive of each other's goals and passions, and show empathy and understanding towards each other. 7. Relationship plateau Sometimes relationships can plateau after a certain period of time. This can lead to boredom and a lack of excitement. Signs: Feeling like you're stuck in a routine, feeling like you're not growing or evolving as a couple. Fix: Be proactive in finding new ways to grow and evolve together, whether it's through new experiences, travelling, or working towards shared goals. Be open to change and embrace the journey together. Read the full article

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getthebutters · 1 year

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Your breakup is a good thing

Here we are, right before Valentine’s Day. So, it’s likely you are or are about to find yourself single. But hear me out, that’s a good thing.

It’s a general rule that breakups suck and one right before Valentine’s or some other event sucks so much more, supposedly. But let’s think about this a little more factually, said the autistic.

The Cold CALCULATIONS of Breakups

Back in 2011, Facebook released a chart showing the most common times that people change their relationship status to single. The most common time is the two weeks before Christmas. Then there’s April Fool’s Day, which is rude but funny at the same time. Then there’s the weeks leading up to spring break and summer break, so people can be free to do what they want. But the fourth most common time for a breakup is – drum roll, please – the two weeks before Valentine’s Day.

So, when you think about it, most breakups are tied to another big event. It’s the most common breakup experience. In fact, it kinda seems like people just generally choose a convenient time for them VS any thoughtfulness on softening the blow for their partner. Despite the cold factuality of this, I think it’s a kind gesture for both parties.

Too many relationships end after they’ve become resentful and toxic. I personally believe you should leave just because it’s unfulfilling or annoying, even if I’m the one being left. Relationships are too important and take up too much brain space to just let things fester.

Why we linger

Originally, when tackling these topics, I’d say that you should wait. I was concerned about doing the “right” thing in a cosmic sense. Now, I realize:

· I was avoiding inevitable guilt as the person most likely to do the severing.

· I was avoiding my fear of abandonment in either case.

· I was avoiding the loss of intimacy.

· I was avoiding the effort and vulnerability of finding someone new.

· I was avoiding public and private embarrassment for making a “bad” dating decision.

Notice, I wasn’t holding on for hope or love, just fear. I’m not special, in this way. This sort of thinking is why so many relationships trail on until they explode. Instead, they should just end, regardless of the date. I guarantee that one more night of indentured romance is unlikely to reignite the damp log that used to burn bright and warm your relationship. But it is likely that you’ll trick yourself into letting things hobble along.

WHY WE SHOULDN’T

If someone wants to leave me, I’d rather not collect more experiences to look back on and wonder how I missed the signs of love leaving. I’d rather be thankful to the person brave enough to save us from our shared misery than villainizing someone I once cared for.

If I’m the one ready to leave, I’d rather make a prideworthy decision than interrogate my intuition and gaslight myself. I’d also rather spend Valentine’s alone, loving myself than feeling tense, distant, or confused. I can’t avoid the feelings of guilt, loss and shame forever. Plus, I’d be miserable in the meantime connected to someone I don’t like anymore.

IT’s A MATTER OF KINDNESS

Our understanding of kindness and cruelty is often skewed to keep things as they are VS assessing the weight of our inaction. I feel like this is just cowardice disguised. Kinda like not telling a friend their outfit is ugly, their fly is down, or their breath is bad. Or more correctly, it’s like leaving a deer you hit with your car to bleed out slowly and painfully in the middle of the road.

In all these situations, the kindest thing to do is show care and concern for the well-being of others. You should always help your friends look better, smell better, and keep their desired private parts private. In the case of your struggling relationship, treat it like a deer you hit. Put it out of its misery. Hell, for all you know, they could also be begging for death.

If you are reading this newly single, that didn’t magically ease your sense of grief. But that’s not what I’m here for, I’m shit at soothing people. But I’m surprisingly good at offering a unique perspective that’s directly opposed to melodrama. Hopefully, I did help you break the cloud of grief and sorrow a little.

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akallia · 2 years

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bart-t-tender

hi all! this is the beginning of what (I think) will be a songfic series! Let me know if you like it. As always, content UTC!!

Song: Bartender by Lana Del Rey

Pairing: Levi x Fem bodied reader

Word count: 5k

Summary: In a last ditch effort to escape a controlling yet distant millionaire husband, you run away from your life as a rich housewife only to meet Levi, a gruff war veteran working at a bar in the middle of the Californian desert.

CW: violence, smoking, drinking, implied abusive relationship

It was difficult for you to put into words the paradox you were experiencing. The primal part of you reveled in how the sun drenched your body and the earth, exalted in the warm caress of the infinite richness of it, drank itself stupid on the raw beauty of it all. The way the light didn't reflect off the canyon walls but instead absorbed it and glowed with it filled you with an inexplicable love and appreciation for the sun and the life it brought. But the rational, civilized, and socialized part of you called you away from that. You couldn't sit and stare out the window for the rest of eternity no matter how much you wanted to, even though it was your given right as a woman of your station to choose to do so. But no, you had obligations, responsibilities.

Responsibilities. You pondered the absurdity of the claim that you of all people had responsibilities. If you thought about it, sure, you had responsibilities - responsibilities to stay pretty and keep quiet. It wasn't that you didn't have any responsibilities, it's just that they were inane and insulting, and not really responsibilities at all, at least not in your book. It wasn't fair to say that you had pressures on you when others could barely eke out a living.

And here you were. Not scraping by off the skin of your teeth, not living hand to mouth, no. Your surroundings were evidence of the audacity it took to label your day to day goings-on as responsibilities. Here, in this pristine ranch in the hills. Here, on acres of private property surrounded not by neighbors and a community, but by the canyons of southern California. Here, in a mansion. Here, in opulence and luxury. It didn't disgust you, no. You were far too selfish to be disgusted by the privileges granted to you. But it did make you restless and unfulfilled. Your stony, crock-of-shit husband made sure of that.

As you mused, seated carefully in a leather Eames chair while you overlooked the scenery, you picked up pieces of the chatter of those around you, the noises floating in and out of the space where you could actually register what was being said. The house party was in full swing at this hour and the wine was flowing at tempo. The theme for the night was Wild Woman, and the ladies had taken it to a level that hit close to home for many of them, most choosing to wear Victorian-inspired dresses that hearkened to the widowmakers of old. The theme was handpicked by none other than yourself, the woman of this house, and the idea rang true when you chose it. It felt right that tonight of all nights you should choose to be the Wild Woman. The poeticism of the matter struck you to the core.

As the sun dipped below the horizon, the fire inside of you began to grow. This was your time to take control. This was the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end. You laughed inwardly. What rotten poetry. A rich woman like yourself is only gifted in having fun, and even you failed at that.

The alcohol-addled brains around you heeded you no mind as you slipped away into the garage, swiping the keys to the shiny black roadster your husband's money bought you as you closed the door behind you. You had already made preparations for this moment. You had thought that your heart would be racing, that you would be shaking and terrified of this moment, but all you felt was a strange oceanic calm - vast and present.

The car was old. It was a 1920s roadster. It wouldn't break down but it was… obvious. It matched your house and its surroundings, but it didn't match your crime. No, you would need something different.

You drove silently down the narrow single lane road into the desert. Now that the sun was down, you regretted leaving the hard top at home. It was downright freezing out here, with nothing but the saguaros and the odd desert rat to keep you company. On second thought, you had the stars with you. Yes, the stars. You glanced up over the top of the chromed windshield. The abyss of space was blanketed by a sheen of soft glowing balls of gas illuminating your path, but were outshone by the brilliance of the waning crescent among them. You didn't mind that there was no full moon. It was less light for them to find you by.

A few hours of driving later, you pulled into the driveway of a small, dirty home. The adobe roof was near crumbling, and the stucco walls had long since faded from their original shade. The house was bare regarding ornamentation save for the smattering of cars and twisted bicycle tires laying in the yard. It was unkempt, but you found it to be quite charming.

You knocked on the front door, and a few moments later a bent over old man revealed himself. You wordlessly swapped keys, and he pointed a crooked finger at the vehicle parked closest to the road. You nodded and bowed your head in acknowledgement before handing him a wad of cash for his troubles and taking your leave.

As you approached the big black work truck, it dawned on you that you hadn't changed out of your party clothes. While the rest of the women had chosen the scandalous widow-maker as their inspiration for the Wild Woman, you had gone a different route. You had left your hair unbrushed and free, not a hint of makeup to be seen, and donned a simple ankle-length gray sheath dress, adorned only with a threadbare red shawl around your shoulders you had found in the trunk of the roadster when you purchased it. It wasn't wild, but it was free. Is wild equated to free? You weren't sure, but it was the avenue you'd chosen. You didn't mind. While it was cold in the desert, your choice of clothes matched the poetic mood you were in as you committed your crimes. You hopped in the truck and it rattled noisily to life as it carried you towards selfishness.

Another hour down the road, you found yourself in something resembling a town. If the boom towns of the Gold Rush era had a modern equivalent, this was it. In the middle of the desert, isolated, too large for the environment, it fit the bill perfectly. You decided this was where you would stay for the night. There was an inn there, and in front of it you parked your "new" truck and wandered inside.

The first floor of The Underground Inn, which wasn't underground at all, was a hazy, dim, and busy bar in the peak crowd that comes with midnight, lit by neon signs and rusty, abused jukeboxes running on pure willpower. You felt a bit out of your element. The bike gangs and young people that constituted the clientele were lightyears away from the company you typically kept. Regardless, it was a welcome change of pace, and you decidedly needed to continue in that direction, and thus sat down at the bar, peasant dress and all.

The barkeep was a man of shorter stature and a fierce glower, eyes hooded by a strong and sharp brow curtained by black strands of hair that constantly fell in his face as he worked. Most of the people at this point had already consumed their fair share of alcohol, and the barkeep did not seem too terribly busy save for his frantic and thorough cleaning of the bar itself and the glasses behind it. You decided that you would find your company for the night in this man no matter how much his glare unsettled you.

You cleared your throat daintily. "A Manhattan, please," you piped up. You weren't really in the mood to get hammered, but your high class tastes called, and you needed some sort of drink to loosen yourself up.

"What are you doing here, little lady?" The man responded, not moving to make your drink and instead fervently scrubbing the inside of a glass. He examined his work and, satisfied, began to pour the whiskey into the glass, uncorking the vermouth as he did so.

"What do you mean?" You pretended not to know what he meant. It was clear you were the outsider here. You were dressed like a medieval peasant, barefoot and hopelessly alone. He was probably just looking out for you.

Suddenly self-conscious, you lowered your voice. "I mean, I know what you're saying. I just needed a place to stay is all."

His eyes softened a fraction of a centimeter, so minute was the movement you would have missed it had you not been staring at him so intently, hellbent on figuring him out. He intrigued you immensely, especially as you looked closer and examined his face better. On the left side of his face were three parallel scars with deep dents in their center, almost crater-like. His right eye was clouded over and accompanied by a long silvery strip running from close to the corner of his small mouth and disappearing under the bangs on his forehead.

The unusual man snorted in disbelief, shaking his head slightly to reveal a sharp undercut. "You must be an idiot to be out here by yourself. Did you run away from mommy and daddy to find yourself in the desert?"

You wanted to be offended, but couldn't find it in yourself. Instead, the weight of your decisions came down on your shoulders in full force and you slumped on the bar, chin leaning on your palm as you sighed in defeat.

"In a way," you said. "Why do you ask? Aren't you just a bartender?" You stole another glance at him, finding the need to assert your age. “And I’m twenty nine by the way.”

"It's my bar. My bar is my own business. You are in my bar, and now it's my business." He placed the speared cherry on the top of the now-completed Manhattan and slid it over the counter to rest in front of you, ignoring the comment about your age. You stared at it. The glass left much to be desired in terms of presentation, but the drink itself looked delicious. Eagerly you set about trying it, and made a noise of delight in the back of your throat at the taste of it.

“Mmm,” you said, closing your eyes as you savored the experience of it on your tongue. “Delicious. You’re an excellent mixologist,” you complimented.

“Almost like it’s my job or something,” he mumbled. “And just because you’re twenty nine doesn’t mean you’re not running away from ‘mommy and daddy.’” He did air quotes, rolling his eyes. You couldn’t tell if he was a grounded, realistic person or remarkably fed up with you. “You’re just running away from something that took the place of that. That’s all it ever is.”

“How wise you are,” you mused, smiling absentmindedly. “Perhaps you’re right. I won’t burden you with the whole story, but I am running away. It’s just that I’m running from heaven.”

“Heaven?” His brow furrowed slightly. “No such thing.”

“It was heaven, at least in its own way,” you said. “To most people I think it’s a bit of heaven.” You thought about the ranch and the endless desert surrounding it. Your husband was always gone, intermittently visiting between meetings he arrived at via private jet. It was a heaven that drugged you. No amount of material possessions could destroy the ache of unfulfillment, but it could dampen it for a time. You became an expert in distraction, in denial disguised by self care. You never wanted to do that again. It made you sick to think about.

“It’s all horribly cliche and awful. I don’t want to ever go back to living that way again,” you finished. The barkeep just looked at you, vaguely thoughtful, picking you apart and taking his time in doing so. You felt a little thrill at the attention that you were unaccustomed to.

“What’s your name, little lady?” He asked finally, after staring at you for what felt like forever. The blush on your face deepend, and you felt incredibly undignified.

You told him your name and he told you his. Levi. You rolled the name around in your mouth, exploring the way it sat on your tongue and echoed off your hard palate. You decided you liked Levi and that you would make a friend out of him by the time this night ended.

“Levi,” you said simply. You sighed a sigh of relief. “I like you, Levi.” You stared off into space, lost in thought. When would the consequences for your actions catch up to you? It frightened you to think about it. You knew this wouldn't be forever. He would come for you eventually, and your little escapade would end. But for now you were determined to enjoy your momentary freedom, however short or long it would end up being.

A group of six men stepped into the bar and settled into seats around you, pulling Levi away from you. The sudden lack of attention was akin to stepping out of a warm bath, and you involuntarily shivered from the mental sensation. You felt mildly delusional for finding yourself so taken by this strange bartender, but you also didn’t mind. In your mind, you were justified. You were starved in so many aspects.

As you continued to sip on the cocktail, you let your hair fall over your face as you subtly observed the thieves of Levi’s attention. They were in slacks and button-downs, with expensive watches on wrists and leather wallets poking out of pockets. They reminded you of your husband’s bodyguards. Being an arms dealer wasn’t necessarily a dangerous job, but the growing tensions with the USSR since the war’s end had put him on edge.

Your gaze involuntarily slid back over to Levi. You watched the sinewy forearms as they flexed with the back-and-forth motion as he shook a drink. You watched the pursed lips and even look in his steely, focused eyes as he listened to his customers’ orders. You watched the solid white tee shirt ripple over his chest as he glided across the bar in search of the bitters. You took in the multitude of scars snaking up his neck and down his biceps and you wondered callously if he was a veteran, making a living as a barkeep after throwing away his youth in Europe or the Pacific. You wanted to know everything about this man.

A heavy hand on your shoulder yanked you from your not-so-subtle admiration of Levi’s physique. One of the newcomers leaned down close to your ear and whispered your name, saying, “Your husband is waiting, ma’am. Please come with us.”

Your stomach plummeted through the ground and into the core of the earth and you felt sick. No, no, no, no. This isn’t happening. It’s too soon. I just got free. You knew that it wasn’t going to last forever, but for it to only have taken a few hours… it was more than you could bear. The disappointment was immeasurable. Your mind went blank with static.

Levi, finished with his job for now, glanced sidelong at you from the other end of the bar. You made eye contact, and his eyes widened a millimeter at your expression. You knew how you looked; you’d seen the look of a cornered animal on your face in the reflection of the bottle of everclear on a shelf in front of you. You absentmindedly wondered how that stuff was legal, especially with it being so new. Levi must have some regulars with an insane tolerance.

You begged Levi with your eyes to do something. You knew it wasn’t fair to put him in this position, but the instinctual resistance to going back to your gilded cage had you desperate. He slowly nodded his head, and the tension disappeared from your shoulders. You slumped over onto the bar again, feigning defeat, and didn’t look at the man so he wouldn’t see through your shaky facade.

“Alright. I’ll… I’ll be outside in ten minutes. Let me finish my drink and freshen up first.”

The hand left your shoulder, and the group of men downed their drinks and left.

Levi sauntered over, movements careful and measured as he threw his cleaning rag over his shoulder and leaned over the bar to converse with you.

“Mommy and daddy want you back?” He said lowly, gaze startlingly fierce.

“Something like that,” you answered, throwing back the rest of the Manhattan he’d made you so expertly. You held the glass up to your face and frowned. “This didn’t taste very alcoholic.”

“You didn’t seem like you needed a fogged brain. I put cherry coke in it.”

“Must be some cherry coke to fool me,” you said. “I’m very knowledgeable about my alcohol and you almost got me.”

“Alcoholic?”

“Something like that,” you repeated with a coy smile. There wasn’t much for you to do at home other than drink, stare out the window, and host parties. What a life you lead.

Levi shifted to pull a pack of cigarettes out of his back pocket. He pulled one out and stuck it in his mouth before shaking the pack to pull one up for you to take. You wordlessly took one, and he expertly flicked a small lighter to life, starting to bring it towards the unlit cigarette you placed between your lips. You plucked it daintily from his fingers and lit his first, then leaned across the bar to press your cigarette next to his in order to light it. He looked at you while you did this from behind unfairly long and thick black eyelashes. You felt a rush at the sensation of his milky right eye and the steely blue left eye boring into you.

“So what does your husband do?” Levi said after exhaling the first puff of smoke.

This startled you and you almost dropped your cigarette. “What?” You breathed, eyes wide. You took a shaky drag, letting the toxicity fill your lungs.

“I said,” he repeated, “what does your husband do?”

“He… he’s an arms dealer. He basically owns Lockheed Martin.” You attempted to compose yourself enough to answer, and propped your elbow up, cigarette aloft and held daintily between your painted nails.

Levi didn’t attempt to mask his disgust, wrinkling his nose and recoiling as though struck. “Look at me,” he seethed, voice gravelly. Your eyes snapped to his, wide and childlike.

“I’m looking,” you said breathlessly.

He grabbed your hand. “Look better.” Levi brought your hand to his face and grazed it over the deep dents in his cheek, across his sharp nose and over to the raised bump slashed across his right eye. Your breath caught in your throat at the sensation.

“I went through hell over there.” His eyes were frantic, a deep emotion you couldn’t read coming to the surface, and he dropped your hand.

“I apologize. I shouldn’t have grabbed you with no warning like that. It was inappropriate.”

“No, no,” you rushed to clarify. “I… I didn’t mind.” You felt your face heating up. You looked down at your watch, realizing you only had so much time. “And… I’m sorry. For what you went through… in the war. I understand how awful it was. I lost my brother to the war.”

Levi stared wide eyed at you, lips pursed and brow intense. “It’s fine. It was a long time ago.”

You cleared your throat, the both of you leaning back from the heavy air surrounding you, suddenly bashful. You thought it looked good on him.

But ah, such moments cannot stay. You glanced at the door, and the window next to it showed one of your husband’s men holding up three fingers to signify your remaining time. He turned around and you grasped Levi’s forearm.

“Please. I know we barely know each other, but I can’t go back to him. I can’t give up my freedom when I just got it. Please,” you begged. “I’ll do anything I can to repay you. Just… help me.”

You were growing used to having to scan Levi’s face intently in order to read his miniscule changes in expression, and with this new skill did you see his eyes harden.

“You don’t have to repay me.”

And then he left. He turned the corner into a back room and grabbed a tall, slender blonde man with a wispy goatee, an upturned nose, and a mop of fluffy hair. You thought he looked rather canine. Levi held a short, terse conversation with the man, who began to set up the bar in a different manner than Levi had. While he did this, Levi fiddled with the underside of the counter, unhooking something to reveal a rifle. You were suddenly aware when he turned around that he was carrying a pistol in the waistband of his jeans. You gulped.

He finally faced you. “Act like you’re going to the restroom. When you go down that hallway, turn right instead of left and go into the men’s room. There’s a door in the men’s room that leads to the dumpsters and the back of the building. I’m going to make a distraction out front. While that’s happening, run to your car and get the hell out of here. Don’t, and I mean don’t look back.”

“Levi,” you breathed, full of warmth for this stranger.

“Don’t. Now go.”

“Wait,” you said, standing from the barstool. “Come… come with me.” He looked at you incredulously. “Please.”

Levi appeared distressed, and affixed you with a hard stare as the panic faded. “Just focus on getting out of here first.” He snatched a napkin from the counter and materialized a pen. He finished writing something down on it and shoved it into your hands, nodded, and pushed you towards the hallway at the back. You understood your cue and made your move, the two of you heading in opposite directions, a small group of men following Levi.

Your breath was shaky as you pushed through the throng of pool players, dancers, and lovers. You put your cigarette out on an errant ashtray and walked down the long wood paneled hallway, finally pushing open the door to the men’s room and praying it would be empty. While it wasn’t empty, there was nobody at the urinals, and thus you were safe as you pushed open the door to the back of the establishment.

Immediately, you were on high alert. You turned the corner, hearing a commotion, and your jaw dropped shamelessly.

There, on the sidewalk and spilling into the street, was a full on brawl. The six men hired by your husband fought wildly against Levi and four others. In the neon-lit darkness, you could make out Levi’s small form kicking a man a head taller than him with such power he flew into your truck parked four spots away, grunting in pain as his head made a dent in the frame. He didn’t get up. Levi and his people were winning. The rifle he had brought from under the bar lay discarded against the entrance, and there were spectators placing bets.

You pushed through the growing crowd, and broke out into a sprint towards your truck, resolved now to fight tooth and nail for your freedom, especially if Levi was helping you. That freak. You couldn’t believe that this was his grand plan to save you. Not that you were complaining. The grace with which he exercised such opulent displays of violence enchanted you. It was like nothing you’d ever seen.

You were steps away from the door to your truck, fumbling with the keys, when the man who had approached you in the bar approached you again, this time more menacingly. He made a grab for you, wrenching your arms behind your back. You screamed and attempted to bite him, only succeeding in grazing his hand and kicking his shin pitifully. The man turned you around and growled in your ear as he pressed you to his chest, “Look what you’ve done. Now we’ve got to leave no witnesses. It’s a shame, isn’t it? All this violence for a pathetic whore. Boss won’t be happy with this. Not one bit.”

You screamed again, yelling Levi’s name. In the chaos of the bar fight, he still managed to subdue his opponent and search for you. He pulled away from the brawl, approaching you and your captor with a hand inching towards the back of his waistband.

“Don’t even think about it, short stuff,” your captor scoffed. You felt something cold and hard press against your waist. “Be careful with your next move.”

Levi slowly retracted his hand, holding both in the air in surrender. “I don’t know what your deal is, but I promise if you harm one of my patrons there will be hell to pay. I didn’t go through hell all those years ago for nothing. I can and will kill you if you don’t let her go.”

The man just laughed, closing his eyes and throwing his head back. Levi’s eyes darted towards the gun held to your side. The man opened his mouth to speak, and faster than the speed of sound Levi whipped the pistol out from his jeans and shot the man in the foot. He howled in pain, dropping you. Levi sprinted forward to help you up, and he grabbed the keys from the ground. He practically threw you into the passenger’s seat, started it up, and tore away from The Underground Inn.

You sat in shock, silent as the grave. The hum of the engine began to overpower the shouts and cries from the street fight. Levi breathed heavily from the exertion, taking deep breaths in and out.

“Well,” he began slowly. “I came with you.”

You just looked at him, tears filling your eyes. He glanced sideways at you as he adjusted the rearview mirror, finally regaining normalcy.

“Levi. I don’t even have words.”

“Then don’t say anything.” His words were sharp but his tone was soft and easy. “Just try to get some rest.”

Your eyes felt heavy, and you used your shawl as a makeshift pillow as you leaned against the window of the truck, the engine noise and the knowledge that Levi was there lulling you into sleep.

When you awoke, it was still dark.

“How long?” You asked, rubbing your eyes.

“About two hours. It’s two thirty.” He was pulling the truck off the side of the road.

“Where are we?”

“I’m not sure. Does it matter?”

“No.”

“Good. Get out.”

Levi reached behind to the backseat and materialized pillows and a blanket you didn’t know were there. He saw your inquisitive glance and said, “I saw them when I put you in the passenger’s seat. I thought that we should both get some sleep if we’re really doing this.”

He pulled the blankets and pillows out and threw them into the truck bed unceremoniously. You both pulled the tailgate down, and he gallantly offered you a knee for you to use to get up. You arranged them neatly and settled in.

You both stared silently at the Milky Way for a few moments before you both began to talk at once.

Levi let out a low laugh, barely more than a sound escaping his throat along with the strong exhalation that marked it as a sign of amusement. “You first,” he said.

“Just… thank you,” you sighed. “You have no idea what it means to me.” You tilted your head to take him in.

“You’re welcome. How could I say no to a damsel in distress?” He responded sarcastically.

“It’s not sarcasm if it’s true, Levi.”

“Say that again.”

“What, ‘it’s not sarcasm if it’s true’?”

“No, my name.”

“...Levi.”

He responded in kind with your name. “So, mysterious woman. Start from the beginning.”

You resumed staring at the stars. “Alright, Levi. Let’s start from the beginning.”

#attack on titan #attack on titan fanfic #levi ackerman #levi fanfic #aot fanfic #songfic #bartender lana del rey #attack on titan songfic #Levi x reader #Levi x reader fanfic #Levi x fem reader #Levi x fem reader fanfiction #Levi Ackerman fanfiction #Levi Ackerman fanfic

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bluemoonstonesy · 3 years

Text

All Is On My Side

Mason Mount

- recommend listening: all is on my side / sam fender

warnings: just some post breakup angst

- The dirty haze of drinks with cannibal eyes, in a club you despise but you go where all your friends are

You’ve been feeling his eyes burning into you all evening. Even when you have your back turned, deep in conversation with a stranger, his gaze still pierces through your exposed skin that's untouched by the backless dress pulled from the depths of your wardrobe that evening.

He stands within a circle, drink in hand as anecdotes are exchanged between the four men. You finally think that you're safe from his glances as you wander over towards your close friend, but those all too familiar eyes once again ripple against your skin.

The pounding bass of the music mixed with the drinks that you’ve consumed is more than enough to send your vision into a spiralling blur. A friend’s birthday outing to a nightclub in the city; the reason you know find yourselves both in the same room after two and a half months of no contact.

You’re surprised he’s here in all honesty. He was never much of a party person. But with the way things had ended, you were doubtful that he was even the same man that you knew from those years in the coastal city.

- And question whether any of this still real, at a spinning wheel and it's sitting in the back of your head

You wish that he didn't have this sort of hold over you - the way that you feel almost inclined to only care about him. There can be a hundred people in a room, but you'll find yourself being drawn to him, and to him only.

The coloured lights bounce against his skin, eyes sparkling as he smiles softly at his surroundings. You hate that he looks gorgeous. The hair that you once loved to run your hands through is on display for everyone to see. He lifts his arm to take a swig of his drink, the watch that you bought for him last Christmas still sits upon his wrist as if nothing has changed.

- Oh, the night is almost over, take me back to your bed

For a moment it all becomes a little too much to handle, your mind becoming overwhelmed with so much going on at once. A small tap on your friend’s shoulder indicates to her that you’re leaving for the outside world, the fresh oxygen more welcomed by your lungs rather than the recycled air that keeps the club stuffy and unbearably hot.

You stumble from the club’s back door, finding yourself in a space of used cigarette filters and the almost distant smell of a smashed wine bottle on the floor. You want nothing more than to let out an ear shattering scream across the city, but even in your tipsy state you know that it wouldn’t be socially acceptable to audibly disturb your surroundings because of a failed relationship.

A cigarette becomes the perfect substitute, sliding one from the deck with a shaking hand as you grasp your clutch underneath your arm, the lighter taking a few flicks to spark, but you’re eventually inhaling the all to familiar taste of nicotine that you’ve grown to love in recent times.

- All is on my side when you're on my side

“I thought you’d given up?” The all too familiar snarl of a whisper emerges from the shadows, smirk on his face as he stumbles towards you, clearly a few drinks already in his system as he nods towards the burning Marlboro in your grasp.

“People break promises, y’know.” Your eyes shoot daggers at him, smoke surrounding the area as if a bonfire was burning right in front of you. You hope that he’ll understand exactly what you mean by your words.

- And the time is getting closer, take me back to your bed

“I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean.” He mumbles, looking down onto the concrete as you try to hold back your emotions. A glint of hopefulness sparkles in his eyes for a split second, a silent desire for you both to to somehow forget the broken promises and unfulfilled requests of those four years, only to be completely shut down as you inhale deeply.

“Oh, fuck off Mason,” You snap, a collection of ash swirling into the air as you lightly flick the cigarette, “You know exactly what I’m on about. Maybe if you got your head out your arse for five minutes, you’d remember all the bullshit that you’ve said.”

That trophy was, and still is the worst thing to ever happen to him. It changed his career, but it also changed him as a person, a person who was nothing like the young lad from Portsmouth that you grew to love as a love struck teenager.

The success brought out another side of Mason that you never knew existed; egotistical and almost selfish in a way. You’d need more than your own two hands to count the amount of times he used that win as an excuse for his behaviour. Stumbling through the door from a club like the one you find yourselves outside of now, smelling of vodka and sickly perfume. But missing date night, or dinner with your parents was ‘okay’ because he was simply celebrating the fact that Chelsea were the European champions.

- Oh, the time is now for me and you

“Tell me then!” He challenges, “Just tell me then if it’s such a big deal!”

“Such a big deal?” A big deal?” You’re almost in disbelief at his naivety, still no idea the amount of pain he’s caused in these last three months, “We fucking broke up because you clearly didn’t give a shit about us anymore!”

“What’s all this about a promise though?” His face is unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. Brows furrowed and words dripping with anger and bitterness - The real Mason was still swallowed by alcohol and greed.

“You really wanna know, huh?” You spit, the harshness in your voice enough to make Mason want to rethink his actions, but it’s too late to back down now.

“Yeah. I do!”

“You told me you loved me!”

- The lights are on for me and you

You’re now gasping slightly as hot tears begin to run down your face, struggling to breathe properly as Mason watches you silently. He feels inclined to say something, but he knows that he’s already done enough of that for one night - even if it was just a few harsh sentences.

“I did love you.” He finally exhales. It wasn’t a lie. He did, but his own mistakes prevented him from showing it in the way that he should’ve done from the very beginning.

“Well I clearly wasn’t enough for you.”

- Oh, when you told me

The burned out cigarette gives you the cue to wipe your eyes, throwing the filter onto the damp concrete as you use your sleeve to wipe the eye makeup that’s definitely dripping down your face.

Mason doesn’t know what to say. Maybe it was stupid thinking that you would take him back in a heartbeat. Expecting you to jump into his arms as soon as you saw him walk into the club earlier that night, or meet him back at his flat that still feels all too empty without you there to fill the half empty wardrobe with your clothes.

Despite the fact that you’re now in tears, it’s somehow a form of closure for you. You shove past him one last as you re-enter the club, finally confident in your decision that you’re better off without one another.

- When you told me

#mason mount #mason mount imagine #mason mount blurb #mason mount one shot #football fanfic #football imagine

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suresimon · 3 years

Text

{george robinson, twenty-eight, cis man, he/him} || simon orwell is a mutant with the ability of hellhound physiology. they’ve been in new york for ten years where they spend most of their time as a novelist. when i think of them, i think of hellfire of the holy, finding blessings in curses, the sun shining on a grave.

it’s’a me, a’may’rio ! new muse who dis want 2 make a disclaimer that i am not paraplegic. while i’ve been doing a lot of research so i can portray his disability as accurately and sensitively as possible, if y’all ever see me doing sumn wrong!! pls feel free 2 call me out on it!! research is not quite the same as experience

QUICK FACTS:

full name: simon george orwell (luv that for him)

date of birth: march 14th, 1969

zodiac big three: pisces sun, libra moon, sagittarius rising

gender & pronouns: cis man & he/him

sexual orientation: bisexual (pls let it be known that he can still feel pleasure)

enneagram: 4w3

mbti: infj

temperament: phlegmatic

ability: hellhound physiology

affiliation: brotherhood

alias: cerberus

various inspirations: tbd !

BACKSTORY:

triggers: brief mention of alcoholism, paralysis (paraplegia), i still forgot the word for kids getting kicked out akfjdsl

born and (mostly) raised in north carolina, for some years, simon never knew ‘want.’ it wasn’t that his parents were rich -- nothing of the sort -- rather that his mother would do anything for her sons and daughter.

their father was not quite as doting, spending more of his time drinking his hatred away than hanging out with his wife and children. if he didn’t... who knows what would happen!

that said, simon was raised to believe that mutants were a species to be feared. ‘they’ll look at you with blood-thirsty eyes,’ so said his mother. but it was not for general hatred -- her own mother had been killed at the hands of one, a brotherhood member, and she’d been left with permanent scarring on her back. his father, on the other hand, simply wanted something he was allowed to hate.

so imagine how unfortunate -- in many ways -- simon found himself when his brother, ian, dared him to dive into a pool using their tiny trampoline... and he ungracefully followed through and dove into the water that was... much shallower than he had perceived. a terrible sensation spread, and then...

his mutation came forth, randomly and suddenly taking the form of a hellhound as a trauma response. in this form, his spine was immediately healed, but when he was quickly and involuntarily snapped back to his original form? to a human? nothing.

the doctors did all they could, but when he came to and they’d given up, he found himself completely paralyzed from the waste down with limited mobility in his arms. he could move his hands. he could move his head. he could move his neck. he could move his forearm. and, with concentration, he could move the rest of his arm. well enough to not be considered quadriplegic!

fortunate that his parents had not seen his transformation, unfortunate that he had no clue what had happened. fortunate that he could move like normal when in his new form, unfortunate that he turned any time the slightest pain was felt in one of his non-numb/paralyzed areas. finally, his ian told him his own secret: while their sister was human (as far as they knew), he was also a mutant. biokinesis, the ability to manipulate life. quite strong, quite invisible.

he told him of this organization -- the brotherhood -- that believed in mutant superiority... to which simon was like ‘didn’t one of those mutants scar mom and kill grandma?’ to which... he confirmed, but waved off. ian was considering joining, if he could find a way, and he encouraged simon to do the same.

that said, simon still had a deep-seated fear and slight hatred towards mutants. it wasn’t something he found himself able to believe in until he was sitting in the family room, watching some program that he can no longer remember, and felt a burn on his hand from his sister accidentally dropping a hot plate.

hyperbolic trauma response: he turned into a hellhound. his parents were terrified, his sister was curious, and ian... had an odd look of pride. to make things worse, he accidentally used a subpower he didn’t even know he had and induced fear. when he was human again, his loving mother insisted that he leave. and, just to prove a point, ian used his powers -- something he had honed much better than simon -- to rot the apple on his sister’s tray (and she just looked more pissed off than afraid or angry at the two).

somehow, they found themselves in new york. with a wad of cash and unfulfilled dreams, they settled down. ian was forced into the role of his caretaker (which is why he’ll remain an npc, rip), something that felt somewhat humiliating at first but... after a while, just natural.

ian aided in simon honing his ability. and when he finally did? he’d now garnered enough hatred in his heart to truly consider his brother’s suggestion. unlike his brother, he wasn’t murder-happy, but remembering his parents... thinking about all the ways others thought of him in his hellhound form... thinking about the essex house and how that could’ve been him... thinking about the way he was actually fortunate to have the ability -- how his world would be so small without it...

as kind of an aside, he purchased a dictation recorder to begin spilling his guts a la novels. fiction? sure! based on real life? sure! non-fiction? ...masked as fiction, sure! and, while it wasn’t the steadiest income, he would... occasionally lie and say he was related to george orwell... which would encourage publishing companies to sign, and encourage even more people to buy his novels.

five years ago, he joined the brotherhood with ian. while he isn’t too fond of murder, in his hellhound form, his predator instinct amplifies his hatred tenfold. as a hellhound, he’s so down for murder! and as a human, he’s... down for ranting about them and helping come up with plans.

CONNECTION IDEAS:

his sister ! i love family connections. with his brother being his caretaker, i pretty much have to leave him as an npc, but i think his sister would be really fun ! could be a mutant, could just be curious and... not furious. she clearly did/does not hate them to the same degree as their parents, something that simon and his brother picked up on.

brotherhood besties ! give him some people from the brotherhood who are like ‘yeah, i’m down with murder, but i’m not down down. i feel u!’

brotherhood peer pressure ! they think it’s pretty lame that he’s down for helping with the plans, but has to actually go into his hellhound form to be down with murder :\

neighbors ! he lives on the first floor of the silverhouse apartments. quite frankly, these are the people who probably know him ( in his human form ) the best.

friends from when he first arrived ! as it says on the tin !

fans of his books ! maybe they believe he’s a distant relative... maybe they don’t... but either way, they like his books.

exes ! he doesn’t have the chance to get into many serious relationships, but these two provided him with that. he felt desired... which was nice. no matter what terms they’re on, he’ll always be thankful for that. ( 1/2 )

open to so much more ! besties, ppl who ask him too much so he likes 2 lie 2 them, ‘so if you’ve got hellhound physiology, does that mean hell is real?’ ‘idk!’, etc, etc, HERE FOR IT ALL!!

@c23intros

#c23intro #gonna post his task in just a few!!#and i am SERIOUS abt calling me out bc again. research is not the same as experience.

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ehstarwar · 4 years

Text

flesh stays no farther reason (3.5/6)

“Did you want me to call?” Ben asks after a minute.

“I’m glad you did.” Rey figures there’s no point not playing coy. He made the first move, after all.

Five times Ben looks for Rey and the one time she finds him.

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 1.9K

Read on AO3

A/N: hi friends! so, so sorry for the slow updates, but life is... ya know, life. plz enjoy our two space dummies bein all horny and such (´∩｡• ᵕ •｡∩`) ♡

“... so I guess what I’m trying to say is... I’m sorry to be springing this on you right now.”

“Don’t be sorry! This is exciting for you guys. I’m happy for you; really.”

“It’s just been such a long time coming and we’re ready to take the next step.”

“I totally get it. I don’t want you to be sorry.”

Rose looked at Rey with worried eyes, clearly not believing her one bit. Rey tried to smile wider, but she’s pretty sure that would just make her look insane.

Rey is happy for Rose and Finn, finally taking the relationship to the next level by moving in together. It’s not like this was totally out of the blue. Her and Rey’s lease was ending soon and Rey has seen the Zillow alerts on Roses’s phone more than a few times. She shouldn’t be shocked, and really she’s not, but it’s just hard to come to terms that this is reality and not some fleeting worry.

“Finn and I can help you out for a little if you want to stay here and not get another roommate, if you want,” Rose offers. Rey takes her hand with a small smile.

“Don’t worry about me; I’ll be fine, I always am,” she says, but Rose still looks unconvinced.

“I don’t want you just to be fine; I want you to be happy, too.”

Rey sighs deeply and they just look at each other for a minute.

“I will be happy... someday.”

Rose frown lines deepen. “It’s just... you’ve been so mopey recently. That’s why I’ve been scared to tell you.”

Rey scoffed. “I haven’t been mopey. I just get- it’s the change of the seasons. My mood always shifts when the seasons do.”

A beeping from Roses phone makes both of their heads snap up.

“It’s Finn,” Rose tells her.

“Don’t keep him waiting; you two go off and have a fun night,” Rey says while getting up and grabbing Roses purse for her. Instead of taking it from her outstretched hand, Rose pulls Rey into a hug.

“You deserve to be happy, Rey, right now.” Rose whispers. With a quick peck on her cheek and a short ‘bye,’ Rey is all alone. She looks around the apartment, taking stalk of all that she has. Most of the bigger furniture is Roses, passed down from her sister, so she’d probably take those. It would leave her with a broken arm chair, a small side table, and a couple of plants. Rey sighs while picturing it, and decides that it’s a worry for another day.

Rey decided to treat herself this even, seeing as it would probably be one of the last times she could do so if she were to take on all the rent. So she orders her favorite take out, rents the movie she’s been wanting to see for a while, and veges out in her pajamas for the rest of the evening.

Captain America has just fought himself and commented on his peachy ass when her phone rings. It’s not entirely unusual for her to get a call this late, but it is cause for some concern. When she looks down at the caller ID, a shock runs though her spine. She immediately picks up.

“Hello?” She asks.

“Hi.”

His voice is tired. She can tell that from just one syllable. He sounds far away and that makes her chest ache for some reason.

“Is everything okay?” She says, unable to keep the worry from her voice.

“Yeah; is everything okay with you?” He questions right back.

“Yeah, I was just... not expecting you to call. It made me nervous.” She tells him.

“Did you want me to call?” Ben asks after a minute.

“I’m glad you did.” Rey figures there’s no point not playing coy. He made the first move, after all.

“Good.” She thinks if Ben were in front of her, she’d see his mouth twitch, his give-away that he’s pleased.

“So... why did you call?”

“To be honest... I’m not sure. I just got back from work and I wanted to hear your voice..”

Rey glances at the clock on her bedside table. “You just got off work? Ben, it’s like midnight!”

“It’s only midnight there? That’s good. It’s nearly 3 where I am,” He says.

“Ben...” Her voice is soft, and she can’t keep the sound of disapproval out of it.

“I know, I know,” he brushes her off. “How was your day?”

She hums. “Eh... not terrible. Work was okay, but...” she trails off.

“Did something happen?”

“My roommate decided to move in with her boyfriend when our lease is up in a few weeks. Which isn’t bad, necessarily. Before Finn was Roses boyfriend, he was my best friend. I introduced them a few years back and now they’re together, and I’m…”

“… not.” He finishes for her.

“Yeah,” She says sheepishly.

“I’m sorry that’s happening to you.”

“It’s fine, really. I’ve been though worse.”

They don’t speak for a moment and Rey knows if she were with Ben in person, there would be a frown on his face. She hates it.

“Where are you?” She asks.

“Bespin. Or, in my hotel room, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Hmmm… good to know.”

“That I’m in Bespin or that I’m in bed?”

“Both.” Ben chuckles.

“Have you ever been to Bespin?” He asks. She huffs a laugh.

“Ha! I make in a year what it would cost me to stay there for one night.”

“So, no?”

“Correct.”

“Hmm…” he seems to consider himself for a moment, “I think you’d like it. There’s a buffet on every corner; two just in my hotel,” Ben teases her.

“Oh shut it!” She laughs. “That sounds like a good time for anyone.”

The make small talk, mostly on Bespin; the climate, the lifestyle, the difficulty getting Über’s. It’s polite and unassuming, but sort of odd to be having this late at night. Rey want’s to ask him again why he’s called her, but he beats her to it.

“I lied earlier… when you asked why I called.”

“Oh?”

“I miss you. I don’t know if I’m allowed to miss you but I do.”

She doesn’t know what to say. She should say something non-committal or coy but she can’t think of anything other than the truth.

“I miss you, too.” Rey swears she hears a sigh of relief. “How long will you be in Bespin?” She asks.

“A few more weeks, probably.” Rey audibly pouts. “Maybe less depending on how my meetings go.”

“Hmm… that’s unfortunate. It’s much harder to fuck you when you’re a few timezones away.”

“Oh?” The shift in his voice gives Rey goosebumps.

“Harder… but not impossible,” She continues.

“Tell me, Rey, how would you do that”? He asks, voice darker now.

“I’d tell you that I’m not wearing any underwear. Just a ratty old shirt and socks-” Ben groans “- and that I’ve been wet since I heard your voice.”

“Have you touched yourself while we’ve been talking?” He asks.

“No, daddy.”

She hears him curse and the sliding of a zipper.

“Good girl.”

Rey beams. Its been so long since he’s last said that to her, and the affect those two words have on her body is profound.

“Are you touching yourself, daddy?” She asks.

“Though my underwear. You’re making me so hard, so fast, but I want this to last. Do you want me to tell you what I’d do if I were there?”

“Can I touch myself when you do?”

“Yes, but you have to do what I say.”

Rey scoots down her bed so that she’s laying back, phone propped up against a pillow by her head to she can hear him clearly.

“I will; I promise,” She tells him.

“First, I’d focus on your chest,” he tells her. “Rub your nipples for me. I like how hard they get. A dark pink. I love to taste them.” She rubs herself through the cotton of her shirt, moaning lightly. “Tell me, Rey, does it feel good?” He asks.

“Yes,” she breaths, “but not as good as your mouth.” Rey hears the distant snapping of something that sounds like the band of underwear.

“How wet are you?” Ben asks, an urgency now lining his voice.

“Dripping... I’ll have to change my sheets.” Ben curses and Rey hears a slick sound speed up

“I would tease your cunt with my fingers. Just one, to feel your wetness. I wouldn’t touch your clit yet, just around it. Can you do that for me? Can you tease yourself?” Ben asks her.

Rey moans in the affirmative, and immediately snakes a hand down to her cunt. She’s puffy and soft down there, and her hand creates adds delicious friction.

“I would tease you, too,” Rey says breathlessly. “I would jerk you off slowly. I’d trace my thumb over your head.”

Ben groans and curses under his breath. Rey begins thrusting her hips in time with her hand, but still refrains from touching her clit.

“I wish I could help myself around you but I can’t. I’d have to fuck you, Rey. I’d have to be in you. Do you want that?” The desperation in his voice increases ten fold.

“Yes...” Rey whines.

“Fuck, Rey, I want to be there. I want to feel your cunt on my cock. You don’t even know. It’s a fucking drug, being inside of you. I want to keep you on my cock for the rest of my life. Wanna stuff you full of my come so it’s always dripping out of you. Wanna kiss you until the world runs out of air. God, Rey! Touch your clit for me, baby, I need you to come for me. Please, please come for me.”

Her clit is a live wire, and when she touches it on his command, her body convulses.

“I wish it was you- I want you to do that, all of that. Ben, I’m gonna come, can I come, please?” She begs.

“Yes, yes, Rey-” the words die on his lips as grunts and moans overtake him. Rey grindstone heel of her palm into herself, fingers barely even breaching her entrance. She comes with a shudder, high-pitched whines coming from her. Ben is grunting as the slick sound suddenly halts.

Rey collapses onto her bed, unwilling to keep even the top half of her body upright. Her heavy breathing is mimicked by Ben. Rey can hear her blood still rushing in her ears, her hand still against her sopping cunt. She doesn’t care to move it because she know the unfulfilling sensation will creep inside of her once she does.

“Rey,” Ben whispers though the phone, “you okay?” He says it with a softness that makes her shudder.

“Yeah... that was.... a lot.” Her vice is still breathless.

“Yeah,” he says.

A silence befalls them again but the sound of him breathing is comforting. She feels the weight of sleep being into crawl up her and her eyes become heavy. Rey realizes something and can’t stop herself before she says it.

“If I close my eyes and listen to your breathing, it feels as if you’re here next to me.”

Rey can’t be sure, but she thinks Ben may have whimpered.

“I’m coming back soon,” he says after a minute, snapping Rey back into consciousness.

“But I thought you said-”

“I know, but- I... I’m not... I don’t know how to- I’ll be back soon; I promise.”

“Okay... will you call me? When you’re back, I mean?”

Ben chuckles lightly into the phone.

“Yeah Rey, I will.”

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#reylo #rey #ben solo #kylo ren #star wars #sw #adam driver #daisy ridely #fanfiction #reylo fanfic #fsnfr #my works #rey x ben solo #rey x kylo ren #rey x ben #smut #angst #chapter 3.5

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