this fight was never about food
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hai! ^__^
this blog is gonna be about my ana:3 its not gonna be my first fast and im actually struggling with anorexia for over a year, or around that, but i still dont see it as a bad thing actually! i wanna start liking the feeling of hunger or even loving it. i have a lovely gf and i love her sm. but lifes not fun when i have to eat all that gross things like food n all. i mean you feel like you have to eat to survive but that not true!:) you can still barely eat and eat only things that are aesthetic and you like em right? i wanna be the person that loves being hungry and my gw is 40 kg for now becasue now i weight about 45 beciase i actually did fast for around 2 days and then 1 but i was really struggling, now i wanna achieve like 4 days of not eating and maybe 3 of not sleeping? i know that sleep really helps you with loosing calories but i like feelin dizzy and i just wanna feel that way forever</3 its like being on drugs but for free
so basically im starting a fast today💓 around 4 days and i dont know if im gonna make it cause my highest score is like 2 days and half but im positive:3 when im dizzy and hungry my brains not really braining but now when im sane i feel even more depressed about everything.. and also! a new jirai dress from liz lisa is gonna be delievered to me soon! i wont wear it till i wont achieve a 4 day fast:3 so good luck for me
i dunno if im gonna post daily but i will try to💓and also this account is more like a dairy to me than an actuall social media, but i hope to get more ppl here
have a thin day!:3
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Body Types and Personalities
One of the more unshakable ideas that used to drive my eating disordered thinking was the idea that different body types corresponded to different personalities. This is something that's all over mass media-- and often built into the assumptions that we make about each other.
The stereotypes dictated that to be fat was to be sensuous, loving, warm, bouncy, excitable, outgoing, flirtatious, full of life, caring and open. I've used "Hilda" as the distillation of this idea. It wasn't hard for me to think of or find an image that worked. It's not exactly a negative set of associations, but it's still a limiting framework.
To be thin? That was about being cool, calculating, precise, fastidious, reserved, serious, intellectual, calm, observant, cautious and modest. When I went looking for images for this one it was much harder. It turns out I hate how most women are photographed. It's very hard to find an image that isn't just a little sexy. Even this Armani pantsuit one isn't quite right.
As a young person I related to the second set of descriptions more-- (And probably still do, although I don't really associate either exclusively with a particular body type anymore.) So, part of what kept my eating disorder going was the sense that I would be misread constantly-- people would think I was a vivacious bubbly sort of person and try to get close to me and that scared me. I thought if I looked more like the sort of person I felt that I was inside maybe this wouldn't happen.
The truth is that anyone who knows me IRL would laugh their ass off at the idea of calling me "bubbly" or "outgoing" -- What I thought were instances of people misreading what sort of person I was and getting too close? It was just normal human interactions. Nearly all of my friends have eventually said "When I first got to know you, you seemed really intimidating." -- this has gotten to the point of bothering me a little. I don't want to be... scary. But, I think it's just how I come across since I spent so many years trying *not* to be a "bubbly happy fun" person.
Explaining all of this. I'm struck by how odd it must sound. I don't know if this will even be relatable. I had when I started this, some notion of writing about how body types don't really determine these things, and how even in fiction it need not be Hilda or The Pantsuit Queen--
But, is it even a normal thing to worry about? I wonder why it was such a big deal to me all those years ago?
Part of the answer might lie in how hard it is to find images that I really admire-- how outside of the popular and the useful this idealization might be. And if I tried to find images of black women? Forget it.
I guess I'll just need to make my own.
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I'm eating like one meal with one snack a day and I KNOW I need to eat more but I CANNOT get myself to do it.
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doing my first 2 day fast in like almost 2 years, i'm on day 2 now and its good. its been so long that it feels strange to not even eat something small but i'm excited to get back into fasting once i manage to move out.
oh and i got my watch working !!
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