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letterstojisung · 5 years

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letter one (05.05.2019)

there’s a lot i want to say to you. so much, absolutely everything that i could possibly say to you i want to write down in this letter, however, no proper amount of words can describe just how much you mean to me nor do i deserve to waste that much time of yours for my meager words of affection.

although, even as i don’t deserve to sit and waste your time, i ask to be a little selfish and do it anyway. i ask to write these words down and give you the option to read them if you wish because even if i believe i’m undeserving of this i know you’ll believe otherwise because you’re han jisung and you believe everyone deserves happiness and i ask for this sliver of your time to fulfill mine. and of course, consent is mandatory even with something as small as this, as miniscule as a fan letter, i still have to ask because that’s the proper way to do something. if your answer is no, then put down my letter and move on, but in case you want to read this awkward and embarrassing letter, go ahead.

first and foremost, i’m so proud of you for following your dreams, for not giving up when the road got harder. there is nothing more in this life that i’m more proud of than the fact that you’ve followed your dream fully and finally, finally get the recognition you’ve always deserved. i’m proud that you get to call yourself the lyrical rapper like you’ve wanted to, i’m proud that you get to stand on stage and do what you love in front of thousands of people who came to see you.

i’m so proud of everything you’ve worked to become, and i’m so happy that you never gave up. i’m so proud that you’ve helped write just about every song for every album you’ve produced since before your debut. you wrote an entire song by yourself, an entire song, and you wrote it over a year ago! and since putting it in miroh, it’s become my favourite song.

you went from D.E.F Academys han jisung to jyps han jisung, from jyps han jisung to 3rachas j.one and then from 3rachas j.one to han jisung in the survival program stray kids. and from that survival program you became stray kids’ han, the person you’ve grown to be. you’ve been through so much, taken so much criticism: “you’ll amount to nothing”, “don’t follow this dream it’ll lead you nowhere” and “you’re crazy kid”. you’ve not let any comment or criticism get you down or stop you from following your dream.

secondly, you discredit yourself too much. you say you’ll never be satisfied (or i’ve read the translation wrong and this whole paragraph will be embarrassing yikes) with yourself, but sweetie- us STAYs are so proud of you. i can’t even list every accomplishment you’ve made on just my two hands, it takes almost all ten fingers just to count your rookie of the year awards. and if nine, ten, eleven and so on awards don’t show you how proud you should be then i don’t know what will.

but i know this: i know you’re more than your ‘pretty face and rock hard abs’ and if i can waste just a little more time to tell you why i think that then please continue, if not i understand sweetie. i hope you find what i’m about to say endearing and not just flat out weird, but here we go....

firstly, i love just how talented you are in a musical sense. i love the fact that your position in stray kids is rapper but your talent ascends and shoots past that. you can sing just as well as the other vocalists and even push your limits and hit high notes you didn’t even know were in your range of singing. and you can dance as fluidly and solidly as the dance line, you can take center stage and nobody would think anything of it because that’s how good you are-

but that’s not all. i’m writing this letter to you on the 3rd of may and i can tell you that in the past 575 days i’ve known you and watched you grow that i’ve seen so many good things about you. and i do get annoying at times but i tell everyone i come in contact with how beautiful of a person you are because i’m proud to call myself a loyal stay that watches you grow and watches you improve, and yes i do watch all nine of you boys but jisung you’re so special to me. we’ll get into why later, let me continue complimenting you please?

along with the unmistakable talent you possess, you’re also an extremely funny person and i know your jokes don’t get the recognition they deserve because i think they’re hilarious (and i might not be a comedian but everyone i talk to says i’m funny so i am valid enough to validate the fact that your jokes make me laugh harder than i’d like to admit). and on top of your jokes, your voice impressions and individual talents are out of this world, stunning, amazing, any good adjective that can be used to describe an individual talent.

i love that you can wear any outfit you want to and instantly the world around you disappears because it’s jisung time. i love that you can walk confidently and carry yourself the way you do and wear the outfits you wear and still pull them off.

there are certain features about you, like the way your legs slightly curve inward or the way your eyes aren’t completely parallel or even the fact that your lips aren’t completely centered if that makes sense, probably doesn’t but continuing on. i think it’s cute how you blow the hair out of your face or sometimes how you shake your head if you don’t want to use your hands. i find your moles super cute and your nose boopable. we have the same nervous habits which i don’t know if that’s a good thing, but they’re similar.

i like all 50 shades of your laugh: from your loud high pitched laugh to your giggles, from that breathy laugh you rarely use (but it does come up on occasion) to the one where it just looks like you’re smiling really wide because no sound comes out and even whatever variation of laugh you choose to use when you clap your hands. but my favourite laugh of your has definitely got to be the laugh you show least often, i may have seen it maybe once or twice but it’s the laugh where you laugh so much that your voice gets lost in the effort to catch your breath but you still cover your mouth and throw your head back carelessly. i think you look the prettiest then, when you’re laughing and your eyes are lidded and your cheeks are flushed and you’re happy, content.

i love all of the songs you’ve written, but hellevator will forever be engrained in my mind. why? because it was the end of me and the beginning of you and i. the beginning of my journey to find true happiness. i found hellevator when i was at my lowest point.

it was october 6, 2017, the day right after my birthday, and i’d been ready to end it all. i was on the verge of leaving this world when i found hellevator. when i found you. i had convinced myself that nobody loved me and that i was a waste of space, that nobody would miss me if i went. but hellevator hit me hard, the lyrics were so daunting and relatable. they made me truly feel like someone understood me, and i felt like all nine of you truly understood how i felt (how i feel).

and then the beginning of the survival show had come and gone as did your introduction. this may sound really cringy, but as soon as you introduced yourself i knew. i knew that you were going to be someone different, someone who would change my life around. with your black beanie and black short-sleeved shirt and dark hair and your chain necklace and dangly earring, even then as young and inexperienced as you were in front of a camera, your doraemon impression was what kept me here. hellevator intrigued me and doraemon dragged me in.

to this day, there is not a single moment i cherish more than the day i first ‘met’ you and your doraemon impression. there will never be anything that will remotely come close to taking over your place in my heart, and although your first impression will forever be engrained in my mind- the day i get to meet you in person will be the one moment that shares a bond with this one i have of you now.

here’s the thing. you don’t understand just how important you are to me, but i’m here to tell you. this will be short bc i hate talking of myself, so. i’ve been abused (verbally, physically, sexually) for 13 years. on october 5th, 2017 (my birthday) i attempted to end my life but then i found you.

everyday, no matter how much i despise doing so, i wake up and get through my day knowing it’s one day closer to meeting you. the thought of you and you alone keeps me alive and i know that’s pitiful but i’ll continue to live for you until i can find the courage and strength to live for myself.

you are my sun, your smile alone radiates in waves. it doesn’t matter how near or far you are, i’ll always know you exist and warm my heart.

you are my moon, you’ll be illuminated even on the darkest of nights, and calm my racing heart.

you are all of my stars, you fill the galaxy with light that it didn’t even know it needed until your existence began. if one of them is misplaced, the galaxy would never look the same; if you lost that spark in your eyes, my galaxy would never be the same.

you’re as calming as an autumn breeze. you take away the tornadoes in my mind, calm the storms hidden behind my eyes. your voice alone (singing, rapping, speaking, whispering, etc) calms me out of any panic or anxiety attack. you calm me.

you are the epitome of everything, you are my light, my impulse control, my happiness. without you there’d be no me, because without you i’d not be alive to tell you just how precious your existence is to me. thank you for finding me and letting me steal some of your everlasting energy.

you are my universe. thank you for sharing even the slightest bit of yourself with us stay. every second you spare of your time could last hours for me. you are eternal, unforgettable.

thank you for existing. i don’t know how many times i have to write this, but if i could i’d say it to you over and over until you got tired of being praised. i’d scream it from the top of my lungs until my voice went hoarse and i’d continue until i lost all ability to speak. there are no words that i could write to express just how much you mean to me yet here i try to formulate the right sentences so you know that you’re loved, that i’m proud of you.

there is nothing more that i’d rather do than spend my time writing to you, nothing means more to me than the upward curve of your lips and the following echo of your laugh. i’d spend eons writing to you if i could, but i know that’s not what i’ve been given- so i’ll cherish everyday that i wake up with the thought of writing to you.

i’ve tried my hardest to express my feelings towards you and it’s taken me over a month because trying to encapsulate everything i feel for you in words was really difficult to do. there’s no possible way that i can begin to describe how happy you make me in just simple words as these, but thank you for letting me take the time to try.

thank you for being my sun, my moon and all my stars. my universe would mean nothing without you. i love you to the end of time and back and i will cherish you forevermore.

-j

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trivia-bangtan · 7 years

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MY TURBULENCE IN LA EXPERIENCE

So, initially I don't live in Cali. I live in Colorado. But guess what YA GIRL MANAGED TO TALK HER DAD INTO LETTING HER GO AND LETTING HER GET HI TOUCH TICKETS. So anyway, me and my friend got to the venue at like 11 and we got into the wristband line and waited til 12. It was sort of delayed so around 1-ish they started giving out the wristbands and then from there iGOT7's were free to roam until doors opened. My friend and I managed to find a door and they were doing soundcheck and whatnot and we were just hanging out. Then some girls came and they hung out with us and we listened to soundcheck. Then when we heard Mark (we think) speak through the mic I STG we all lost it and by then there had been 7-10 girls and WE ACTUALLY STOPPED THE SOUNDCHECK BC WE WERE SO LOUD. So we left and then one of the girls who was older than my friend and I said we should eat lightly before we went to the event. We had four hours so we said yeah and we found a really cheap sushi spot in Pasadena called Sushi Stop and YAAASSSS. So by the time we were done eating it was already like 3 and so the older girl said since we never tried boba, she would take my friend in an Uber to go get some while I asked about my camera (since the girl, her name was Marion, said that professional cameras weren't allowed in the Departure tour). So I went back to the venue and one member said no but two others said it didn't matter so I didn't bother using it. Then the talented LA iGOT7's who are so creative we're handing out fansigns and gifts and it was s'cute. Then at around 5:30-ish, fans were starting to crowd around the doors so naturally my friend and I stood with Marion and waited. Then we seen someone peek their head out of the window to record us (I could've sworn it was Jackson bc of the case but the person had blonde hair so it might've been BamBam but idk) and then iGOT7's chanted each members name and even Papa Tuan's name. Some even shouted CoCo ??? 😂😂 Then right at six the doors opened and everyone rushed in and was given a raffle ticket. My friend and I were Orch C, Row L and we got right dead ass center of the stage and we're probably 20 ft away which shocked me bc I thought it would've been farther. But I'm glad it was close. Then we waited for a bit and 30 minutes into letting us all in, Papa Tuan, Mama Tuan and the whole gang came in and everyone went nuts. People got up to take pictures and ask for high fives and they talked to him and he was so calm and happy about it all. He was so sweet. Then security came and made everyone sit down and clear the aisles. Then the show began and a little intro vid played and they came out and sang Let Me and I forgot what else but then they left and the host and translator came out and introduced themselves and then they had the boys come back out and they started the Q&A session. Jackson picked the "WHATS your ideal type?" question and YUGYEOM said sexy and cute iGOT7's. BamBam said someone who's cute and sexy for him (I think. It was so loud I couldn't really hear.) Jaebum said he didn't have a type. Then it went to Jinyoung (who looked like a damn prince I stg) and he had the question "What was your impression of everyone?" and he said that he thought Mark was really tan and that Jaebum (when they met 7 years ago) was really quiet and now he's not as quiet and that BamBam was short. He showed Bam's height at his chest level and then Jackson had to come in and torcher Bam saying he was at the ground height. Then Jinyoung said he thought Youngjae was cute and that he thought Yugyeom was older since Yugyeom was so tall. Then Mark picked two questions. I can't remember one of them but I know that one of them was "Which dance move do you like to see?" And Mark ofc said Yugyeom's sexy dance to which Jackson had the crowd chant his name and Yugyeom got up and SLAYED the dance (as per usual.) Then, it was Jaebum's turn and I forgot his question too (tbh so much was happening that I was trying to focus on sm.) Then Youngjae had a question to someone (I think it was Jaebum) that asked him what he does to write his lyrics. And Jaebum says he reads and watches movies (BamBam asked what kind of movies 👀) but I know he said he watched La La Land and cried which was cute. BamBam was next and his question was "Can you dance to JuJu on the Beat?" And him and Yugyeom got up and danced to a bit of it. Then Yugyeom asked his question (I forgot it too. I think it had something to do with Jaebum and why he likes R&B music but I'm not too sure.) Then the Q&A session was over and they performed Boom x3 and Just Right I think and then it was time for fan games and Guess The Song. So the boys picked some fans and they played Guess The Song first and the penalty was that if they got the song wrong they had to squat five times and flap their arms (in their case hands idk????) like a baby bird and literally Mark, BamBam and Jinyoung tried to cheat and use the fans as resources while Youngjae was steady slaying the game. In the end Youngjae won by like 5 and BamBam had 1 and I think Mark had 1 too. Then Mark, Yugyeom, BamBam, Jackson, Jaebum and Jinyoung played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would do the penalty. And ofc, Jackson, Jinyoung and Mark won while BamBam, JB and Yugyeom had to suck helium out of the ballon and do their parts. Jaebum did his part and sang some of La La Land (I think) and then BamBam did his part and then proceeded to say he sounded like Silentó and whipped and nae nae'd like nobodies business. Yugyeom sang his part BUT I KID YOU NOT THE BOY SOUNDED THE SAME AS NORMAL AND I DIED A LITTLE. (keep in mind the order they played the games might be incorrect) Then they brought the fans on stage and they introduced them. BamBam's partner was older then BamBam and BamBam was like "oh noona." And he did aegyo for her. Then JAEBUM introduced his partner but he couldn't understand her name so the fan made kitten claws (cause her came was Cat/Kat) and JAEBUM copied her 😂😂 Then Mark introduced his partner and BamBam pointed at her shoes (cause they were light ups like mine) and said "She's lit." 🙃🙃 then JINYOUNG introduced his partner and whispered in her ear and I assume he said to say MayDay was her favorite song (because then after he asked her what her favorite song was and she said MayDay). Then Jinyoung said "we're a great team." Then Jackson introduced his partner who was from China and her fave song was Boom x3 and then Jackson said "And her favorite member is Jinyoung." The Jinyoung tried to shake the fans hand and Jackson wasn't having it and then Jinyoung tried to protect his fan. Then Youngjae and his partner went up and they got like five and then it was Jaebum and his partners turn and they got two I think and the BamBam and his noona went up and he was like "I'll let my queen go first." And then they got four I think. Then Yugyeom and his partner went up and he accidentally kicked the hacky sack in her chest, by her heart and she pretended to faint (A+ for that fan who played along!!) and then Yugyeom helped her up and they got like two or three points and then Jinyoung went up and his partner hit three times on her first try and then Jinyoung hit it eleven times and his partner hit three more times and they ended at fifteen. Then Mark went up and his partner hit it once or twice and then Mark hit it up to like fourteen. And then the fan hit it like four times and they were in the lead and Mark was so happy he picked his partner up and spun her and I fired a little at his excitement. Then Jackson went up and him and his partner ended up with three or four points. And then the winning fan (Mark's partner) got some gifts and the winning hackey sack and then BamBam pointed out her sweater that said Jackson and he was like "Next time you should wear a different sweater." Then Jackson escorted her offstage. Then I think they showed some behind the scenes of hard carry while the boys got ready to perform If You Do and then they did their speeches. They all pretty much said that they loved LA and that they have some stuff coming up. Youngjae said LA was like a second home and then pointed out that Elliot Yamin was there and that his song was the reason that he passed the JYP auditions and then sang "I'll Wait For You". Then Mark talked about how he's grateful for the fans and that he's happy that iGOT's allow him to come home and see his family and he choked back tears and so did I bc I looked back at Papa Tuan (who was four rows behind me) and he and Mama Tuan were holding Mark signs. Then Jinyoung gave his English speech and talked about how happy he was and that LA was wonderful. Then Jackson, slay me, gave a speech about this year that you should live up to your life and there will always be people who try to bring you down but live your life how you want. YAS JACKSON YAS. Then it was time for the final song and BamBam was like "Can you guys guess what song is next?" and everyone said Hard Carry and he laughed and was like "Why not Girls Girls Girls?" and I was like Bammie please, that was a rough era for y'all. Can we not?????? But they performed Hard Carry confetti came out and then they left and the host and translator thanked us for the night and they brought the boys back out to perform their encore (Home Run) and everyone ran up. Like it was supposed to be just P1 but loads of fans pushed through security so they just left and I was like "okay???" And ran up and I was like soooo close. Like close enough to see Jackson sweating. But y'all my voice was gone and I couldn't scream so I just waved my sign (It was a Markson sign) and Mark stared at it and walked away and I was like 👀🤘🏻. Then they left again and we returned to our seats and then once people who didn't have wristbands left, they started the group photos and then once that was done it was hi-touch time. YALL LEMME TELL YOU. I WAS LOOKING BUMMY BC I DIDNT BRING A STRAIGHTNER AND MY HAIR IS REALLT CURLY SO DURING THE PERFORMANCE AND SUCH MY HAIR FRIZZED UP SO I THREW IT UP IN A BUN AND I HAD A JB SWEATER ON AND A JAEBUM NAME PIN ON AND I HAD LIGHT UP SHOES LIKE ONE YUGYEOM WORE ON HIT THE STAGE AND I LOOKED LIKE CRAP TO SUMMARIZE. So anyway, security was strict and they kept telling us that if they caught us recording they wouldn't let us do the hi-touch. Then, some fans tried to sneak back in line to hi-touch again but they got caught and the even was delayed for like five minutes before it started up again. I was gonna wait to be last but then decided against it and I seen Papa Tuan on my way to the line and I waved at him and he smiled and waved back and then I was like "Can I give you a high five?" and he smiled and laughed and gave me a high five and I thanked him and left and got in line. The line was moving sooo fast and I almost passed out. Like I was really nervous. My whole plan was to like, dab with Bam and make either Youngjae or Jackson laugh. So my friend went first and I went up the steps and I was waiting for security to give me the go and I was literally freaking out saying "oh my god" fifty times nonstop and I was jumping around nervously and Jaebum and Jackson noticed me and laughed a little bit. Then I went up to Jackson and looked him in the eyes and was like "Hi Jackson oh my gosh I love you." And he said "Thank you. I love you too." (So that goal was done lol.) Then I went to Jaebum and I was originally gonna call him JB but ended up saying his real name funny so I said "JAEBUM, I love you so much." And he looked down at the pin I had and laughed and smiled at me real brightly and said "Thank you. I love you too." (YALL MY BIAS SMILED AND LAUGHED AT ME LIEK AGDKSLANDB) and then it was Youngjae so in my head I thought JFC he's so cuteee. So I stuttered a little bit on his name and almost called him Yugyeom (bc Yugyeom was close by) and I was like "Yu-Yu-Youngjae! You're such a sunshine!!" And he giggled and told me thank you and the security guard was like "keep it moving." So I rushed to Yugyeom and stared at his face and was like "Hit The Stage I love you so much!" And he smiled hard and was like "I love you too!" And then I seen BamBam and at this point everything I wanted to ask him left my head bc we made eye contact and I ended up staring at his chest and said "I love you BamBam " and he shook my hand and smiled and then I looked at Mark and I stg that boy looked mighty fine 👀👀 I told him "Oh my god... Mark you're soo handsome." And he started smiling and said "Thank you." And then my friend before LOWKEY yelled at Jinyoung on accident and was like "JINYOUNG I LOVE YOU." and his eyes widened so much and he waved her off and watched her leave and he turned to me and I looked him dead in the eyes and said "I love you so much Jinyoung, you're such a prince." And he smiled and he HELD MY HAND LIKE DAMN I THIUGHT WE WERE GONNA INTERLOCK FINGERS HE HELD IT SO TIGHT and he said "Thank you. I love you too." And I walked off after that and I turned to Jinyoung and was like "Bye Jinyoung." And we waved to me and said bye like I think the girl who was a space behind me didn't get much Jinyoung AND IM SORRY FOR THAt. But then me and my friend waited outside and then we heard cheering on the opposite side of the building and ran there and we caught BamBam and Jackson getting into the car and Mark left and I was gonna follow him but then realized he might've been leaving with family so I stopped. then they cleared the way for the boys to get through and they had to stop at a point and I waved to Jackson and I seen BamBam and dabbed and he pointed at me and waved to all of us after and I cried inside. And that's it. My Turbulence in LA experience. I might upload some vids I got but like I said I didn't wanna take very many pictures and videos because I wanted to remember it through my own eyes and not the eyes of my camera.

#turbulence in la #got7 #jackson #jaebum #mark tuan #bambam #yugyeom #jinyoung #youngjae #i can't believe I called Yugyeom hit the stage #what is wrong with me

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