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#did i write my research paper
oldshrewsburyian · 5 months
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Dear college students,
I really hope that I, your spinster aunt of Tumblr, am not the first person to tell you this, but: please use your university library services. You are paying for them. They are there for you. Moreover, your professors are operating on the assumption that you will use them as necessary.
When I say "library services" I mean not only physical books that will help you with research, but the usually more extensive eBook collections ditto. Novels you've been meaning to get around to and can't afford to buy. Even (quaintly?) DVDs for your entertainment. And perhaps most significantly of all, interlibrary loan.
I'm going to reiterate interlibrary loan in its own paragraph because a student complained to me recently that publishers were "literally incentivizing piracy" by not pricing academic monographs for purchase by college students and my reaction is best summed up as: ????? Publishers typically price scholarly monographs in the pious hope of not losing money on them. Everyone complains about the ones priced at $300, and a lot of them are priced around $30-50. They are priced for purchase by libraries and specialists. And they are priced for purchase by libraries precisely so that libraries can make them accessible to college students. Anyway, use interlibrary loan, good grief.
TL;DR: the library is there for you, that is what it is for, please behave accordingly.
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lexosaurus · 7 months
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The Phantom Martian: Chapter 1
Huzzah! I am here to provide a fic for Invisobang 2023!
This is a crossover between The Martian and Danny Phantom. You do NOT need to have read or watched The Martian to understand this fic (though, I recommend it because it's amazing!)
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Summary: When Astronaut Mark Watney went to Mars, he knew there was a chance he'd never come home. Now, though, he's determined to last long enough for NASA to save him because this whole dying for science thing is not as fun as it sounds.
Meanwhile, Danny Fenton is just trying to keep his identity a secret amidst a potential crisis with his powers. Seriously, what's up with that weird current under his skin? Why is he having so much trouble controlling it? And why does it feel so familiar...?
In a fit of determination (and possible stupidity), Danny goes to Mars to save Watney, only to add to both their crises when he arrives and can't get home. Will NASA save them? Will Danny have a home to return to if they do?
Chapter WC: 6,186
Fic Tags: Danny Fenton & Mark Watney, Canon Divergence, Ecton AU
Art by @pompomqt (it's so freaking good AHHHH!) Art by @friendzoned61 (screaming sobbing this is amazing)
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I am going to be updating a chapter each day of this posting week, and then I'll settle into a normal weekly/biweekly posting schedule.
I go into more detailed thank yous on AO3, but quickly I'd like to extend a hugeeeee thank you to @armed-with-knitting-needles, @bibliophilea, @lexiepiper, and @underforeversgrace for aiding in this fic. Between sitting on discord with me for hours doing math, betaing my infamous spelling habits, and in general providing much needed support in the form of memes, graphs, and good humor, these people are all AMAZING and I am forever in all of your debts 🙏
Since I'm not posting the chapters themselves on Tumblr, I put a preview excerpt under the cut! Enjoy!
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It had been a day since the news about the disastrous Mars mission was released.
NASA's website where satellite images of the Ares 3 camp were published had gotten so much traffic that the server went down for twelve hours.
Everyone wanted to see it. The wind storm. The camp in ruins. 
The aftermath.
Of course, NASA wasn't pointing their satellites at Ares 3 anymore. There was no reason to now that the surviving five crew members were well on their way back to Earth in the Hermes . 
God, what Danny would give to see the inside of that ship. If it was on Earth, the temptation to fly down to Cape Canaveral and invisibly peek inside would have easily won him over. But unfortunately, the Hermes has never been to Earth. It wasn't powered by regular rocket fuel, it was powered by ion engines — whatever that meant. 
All Danny knew was that the Hermes needed to be assembled in space instead of on Earth. It was shipped up chunk by chunk to the International Space Station where it was put together in orbit.
Which was just rude. 
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xuexishijian · 1 year
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Articulatory Phonetics - 调音语音学
字音 zǐyīn - (n.) consonant (also 福音 fǔyīn)
调音部位diàoyīnbùwèi - (n.) place of articulation (also 发音部位)
双唇音 shuāngchúnyīn - (n.) bilabial sound
唇齿音/齿唇音 chúnchǐyīn/chǐchúnyīn - (n.) labiodental sound
齿音 chǐyīn - (n.) dental sound
齿龈音 chǐyínyīn - (n.) alveolar sound
龈腭音 yín'èyīn - (n.) alveolo-palatal sound
卷舌音 juǎnshéyīn - (n.) retroflex sound
腭音 èyīn - (n.) palatal sound
软腭音 ruǎn'èyīn - (n.) velar sound
小舌音 xiǎoshéyīn - (n.) uvular sound
咽音 yānyīn - (n.) pharyngeal sound
声门音/喉音 shēngményīn/hóuyīn - (n.) glottal sound
调音方法 diàoyīnfāngfǎ - (n.) manner of articulation
阻碍音 zǔ'àiyīn - (n.) obstruent
塞音 sèyīn - (n.) stop, plosive
擦音 cāyīn - (n.) fricative
咝音 sīyīn - (n.) sibilant
塞擦音 sècāyīn - (n.) affricate
响音 xiǎngyīn - (n.) sonorant
鼻音 bíyīn - (n.) nasal
流音 liúyīn - (n.) liquid
边音 biānyīn - (n.) lateral
近音 jìnyīn - (n.) approximant
半元音bànyuányīn - (n.) semivowel, glide
颤音 chànyīn - (n.) trill
弹音 tányīn - (n.) tap
闪音 shǎnyīn - (n.) flap
发声态 fāshēngtài - (n.) phonation
清音 qīngyīn - (n.) voiceless sound
浊音 zhuóyīn (n.) voiced sound
送气音 sòngqìyīn - (n.) aspirated sound
不送气音 búsòngqìyīn - (n.) unaspirated sound (also 非送气音)
发声起始时间 fāshēngqǐshǐshíjiān - (n.) voice-onset time (VOT)
元音 yuányīn - (n.) vowel
元音高度 yuányīn gāodù - (n.) vowel height
元音舌位 yuányīn shéwèi - (n.) vowel backness
前元音 qiányuányīn - (n.) front vowel
央元音 yāngyuányīn - (n.) central vowel
后元音 hòuyuányīn - (n.) back vowel
闭元音 bìyuányīn - (n.) close vowel
次闭元音 cìbìyuányīn - (n.) near-close vowel
半闭元音 bànbìyuányīn - (n.) close-mid vowel
中元音 zhōngyuányīn - (n.) mid vowel
半开元音 bànkāiyuányīn - (n.) open-mid vowel
次开元音 cìkāiyuányīn - (n.) near-open vowel
开元音 kāiyuányīn - (n.) open vowel
圆唇元音 yuánchúnyuányīn- (n.) rounded vowel
不圆唇元音 bùyuánchúnyuányīn - (n.) unrounded vowel
鼻化元音 bíhuāyuányīn - (n.) nasal vowel
声调/声 shēngdiào/shēng - (n.) tone
阴平声 yīnpíngshēng - (n.) high level tone
阳平声 yángpíngshēng - (n.) rising tone
上声 shǎngshēng (also shàngshēng) - (n.) falling-rising tone
去声 qùshēng - (n.) falling tone
轻声 qīngshēng - (n.) neutral tone
声道 shēngdào - (n.) vocal tract
发音器官 fāyīnqìguān - (n.) articulators, speech organs
肺脏 fèizàng - (n.) lungs
喉 hóu - (n.) larynx
声带 shēngdài - (n.) vocal folds
振动 zhèndòng - (v.) vibrate
口腔 kǒuqiāng - (n.) oral cavity
颚 è - (n.) jaw
鼻腔 bíqiāng - (n.) nasal cavity
舌根 shégēn - (n.) tongue root
舌面 shémiàn - (n.) tongue body (dorsum) (also 舌背)
舌尖 shéjiān - (n.) tongue tip
We can also divide the tongue like this: 舌前部,舌中部,舌后部
气流机制 qìliújīzhì - (n.) airstream mechanism
外呼音 wàihūyīn - (n.) egressive sound
内吸音 nèixīyīn - (n.) ingressive sound
肺部外呼音 fèibùwàihūyīn - (n.) pulmonic egressive sound
声门外呼音 shēngménwàihūyīn - (n.) glottalic egressive sound
挤喉音 jǐhóuyīn - (n.) ejective consonant
声门内吸音 shēngménnèixīyīn - (n.) glottalic ingressive sound
内爆音 nèibàoyīn - (n.) implosive consonant
舌内吸音 shénèixīyīn - (n.) lingual (velaric) ingressive sound
搭嘴音 dāzuǐyīn - (n.) click consonant
声源-滤波器理论 shēngyuán-lǜbōqì lǐlùn - (n.) source-filter theory
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alien-girl-21 · 2 months
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Diva did you post the full paper about the analysis of K’s English cause I need it liquidised and injected into my veins
Hi!! I uploaded it to drive but forgot to share it here bc i got flung into the next semester straight after i ended my psycholinguistics course LMAO, anyways here it is (hopefully):
The Käärijä Research Paper (tm) (full, HD, 4k Resolution, 1800p, you get the joke)
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hamartia-grander · 11 days
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Wow I love how I've been purposefully avoiding a conversation ab Palestine w my zionist father bc I knew exactly how horribly it would go but then proceeded to have several recurring dreams about me having that conversation with him anyway and it going predictably horrible ending w me crying and waking up feeling sick, but I guess it prepared me for the inevitability of being forced to have the conversation anyways bc he's nosey and it went EXACTLY as horrible as I knew it would!! My dreams were helping me get ready for it <333
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hand-face-chan · 4 months
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I'm only halfway though Hbomberguy's new video and I dont know if this is a universal experience but my main horrified takeaway from hbomb's plagiarism video so far is that one of my highschools TAUGHT AN ENTIRE CLASS OF 13 YEAR OLDS TO PLAGIARISE. LIKE, ON PURPOSE.
I ended up moving to a much better highschool, but my first highschool essentially taught us to "write" essays by reading what someone else had written and then write what they said again but putting it "into your own words". Which in practice was teaching us to change, for example, "the works of Shakespeare were regarded by many as the first popular art form" to "Shakespeare's plays have been said by some to be the first example of popular media". One teacher actually told us that the process of writing an essay was "saying what the people you've researched have said, in a way where it sounds like you said it".
Like. The tactics that actual plagiarists use to hide the fact that they were stealing. An actual teacher tried to teach me to do that.
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onlyhuis · 4 months
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working on my final paper rn so remind me later but. stoner bf vernon fic soon perhaps
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arsonist-chicken · 1 month
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I think my university should pay me for emotional damages for having to write a thesis exposé. To the amount of whatever I need to go on a short trip to Helsinki to recharge from this bs and to get a tattoo and a coffin full of Fazer chocolates.
#i've been in the library since 6pm or so and have not gotten a single letter done#because i genuinely Do Not Know what to write about this#i don't WANT to write a thesis; having to write a thesis will be my last straw to a break-down if that terminography seminar doesn't do it#and i don't get the point of a thesis anyway. no one but me and my advisor and maybe two examinors will read it#i'll not bring forth any important new knowledge to use#even if i did magically discover some groundbreaking new way to teach second languages - which is not the focus of my paper#like i wanted because the head of institute said no - it would still mean nothing because no one's gonna read it anyway#i'm literally just some rando with subpar grades and papers and motivation and dedication to my studies except for the classes i like#and feel like i'm actually learning something important#which is another point: I'm studying translation and interpreting. I'll do a final translation exam in both language directions.#why is that not enough for a degree? it's literally what I study. i couldn't give less of a shit about scientific theories about translatio#yes you should hear about them sometime and it can be useful. but i don't give a single fuck about research etc.#i want to translate and subtitle and maybe at some point interpret. and add a second language besides english because well#the job market but also very importantly my own interests#can't take the swedish course because it interferes with another class; can take a ukrainian class but it's very low-level#can't take a polish or bosnian or serbian or croatian class because they only have higher levels right now#could take a chinese or japanese class but it's... a lecture? with 40+ people in it? how are you supposed to learn a language from a lectur#tried a portuguese class once but the teacher was absolutely awful. nice but so bad at teaching.#and every now and then i think maybe i should learn how to teach a language to someone because oh my GOD would i love to help people#coming here to learn german in ways they'll actually use and see them improve and help them be excited about learning!#or go somewhere else and teach german maybe while also learning the language of the country i'm in#and i thought maybe writing a thesis about second language acquisition and teaching would be a nice way to find out how interested#i am in that actually. but no. my topic now is... hold on. hmmm.#man i'M not even sure. i submitted something and my advisor wrote me an email with a different suggestion for the title#and idk what i'm supposed to write about. not saying the depression isn't playing a role too but damn am i not excited about this#which is. a great start to writing a thesis when 90% of your work ethic comes from being excited about something or interested init#'The preparation of translation-oriented language competence at school using the example of English lessons at Austrian High Schools'#ah yes. someone help me write an exposé about that.#i don't know how and what to include and I don't want to either#come onnnnnn two days ago being at the library helped at least a little bit but now i've been here 3+ hours and i've got nothing
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simulation-machine · 4 months
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YAY I'M DONE WITH THIS SEMESTER!
I'm gonna pause my current playing of the Orsons and really sink my teeth into this new expansion pack. I still have a bunch of Orson stuff queued up so don't worry, I just won't be resuming playing until my second semester starts, so there might be a gap.
Unless I really miss the Orsons or get sick of downloading and decorating townhouses and finally having a purpose for worlds like Forgotten Hollow and Magnolia Promenade.
I'm taking 16 credits this next semester but none of them are research courses (GOSH BE PRAISED), so if anything I'll be even more involved on Tumblr, hopefully possibly maybe?
Anyways I'm just done this fucking semester is done. I was a dingus and took two research-heavy classes which made me feel even better about not opting to go for a Psych PhD because I 100% lack the academic rigor or whatever for that.
THE END!
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daydadahlias · 2 months
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Omg I just saw your post about having to fill out a student alert form. Are you ok? Are you safe?
hi Dee :) ok so,,, some Jess lore right now is that I am currently being <3 stalked <3 a little bit irl. which is obviously not great lmfao and I am nOt loving it but I'm safe and I'm ok !!! my life is not in danger. it hopefully will not progress any further now that I've talked to my boss about it and she made me file a student alert form abt the whole thing but !! yeah. it's been. a very frustrating few weeks here in the real world :/
#pigeon#dee#for some context i work at this writing center at my school#assistant director of it in fact :salute:#and when i was doing research last semester for MiM (isn't it funny how all these things loop together)#i had a tinder for a couple days that I used to understand online dating dfghj and to write the chapter where ash/cal make ashton's tinder#and anyway i matched w/ this guy. and we talked for a day#and then i deleted the app bc I was done w/ my research lol#fast forward to now... turns out !! he goes to my school !!#and comes to my work to schedule appointments with Only me#he refuses to go to any other consultant#and he keeps trying/pressuring to ask to work on papers Outside of the writing center#and during appointments he always tries to ask me personal questions about <3 where I'm from and what I do on the weekends <3#and like he saw me at dinner recently on my day off and came and. sat with me at dinner. even tho I was like ~please leave me alone~#and emails me outside of writing center hours to ask to meet and look at his paper#and like ! no ! u fuckwad im not doing that lol#so yeah it's been a Constant thing these last four weeks and it's just been Annoying. but after the whole#dinner thing and the email thing. and then another thing today <3#i talked to my boss and she was like 'ok yeah this is a stalker situation and you need to report it'#soo i did#and we'll see if anything comes of that !!#i love being me it's very fun and exciting#i love how casually i can say I'm being stalked#bc this is not the first time this has happened dfghjk#which makes me sound like sUCH A PICK ME#but this will be my third time being stalked on this college campus#kind of a veteran at this point not to brag
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zaegreus · 4 months
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🍂
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Apartments
Karl jacobs x reader
Slow burn from roommates to lovers, because idk man. As slow burn as you can make a oneshot.
Tw: reader is selectively mute, and is touch averse. Panic attacks and night terrors are described as well, negative self talk and abandonment issues.
Excuse any weirdness with this, I based the selective mutism loosely on what I’ve experienced
You saw all the people around campus laughing, talking, having fun. You knew that wasn’t for you, people just never took time to understand. They didn’t have patience to wait for you to croak out some small words, or write a note. So you stopped. You did your college assignments, emailed your professors, and didn’t speak, except to the professors, and sometimes the counselor. Speaking requires trust. Trust in an individual to have patience, to wait until you are ready. It was something you learned nobody had time for. 
You didn’t like roommates for this reason. They always tried to pry you to talk too early, they knew you could, they’d seen you talk to professors, so why not them? They would get frustrated, and irritable. It wasn’t their fault, not really. You just…you just couldn’t speak. If they allowed it you would pass notes, but even then those little conversations were feeble. So, you always lived alone, it was less hassle anyway.
Unfortunately, when you had decided to look for college apartments so you could move out, only a few showed up. Out of those few only one was a studio, and taking one look at it, you understood why it was still available. Mildew crept up the walls and around the ceiling, the floors had enough water damage that they would crumble like a graham cracker under furniture, and that wasn’t even accounting for the smell. The apartment smelled like someone had let milk spoil and mixed it with the most chemical floral scent you had ever smelled. Probably the landlord is trying to cover up whatever atrocities the previous tenant committed.
So, of course you took a two bedroom apartment. The apartment was nice, you had to give it that. There was a small kitchen as you walked into the living room with plenty of cooking space and an oven. A big window with plenty of bright sunlight streaming through the cream colored curtains sat on the other side of the apartment. A hallway appeared on your right as you walked further away from the entryway, complete with three doors. Not too terrible, you supposed.
You noticed there were some decorations around, and you assumed the roommate was already there. As you walked in you noticed a beige rug to wipe your shoes on, and small posters hung on the walls, of bands, shows, etc. not too bad. The landlord was sweet and asked simple questions, which you appreciated. Not having to get out your notepad every five minutes was nice.
Days after you first looked at the apartment, you had all your stuff in a car ready to move into the apartment, leasing was signed and everything was in order, now you just had to unpack. It took about thirty minutes to get everything all situated in your room for unpacking, so you shuffled out to the kitchenette in a tired haze with your school bag, intent on getting some English done.
Suddenly a fluffy haired boy poked his head out of his room and you nearly screamed. “Hello, you’re the new roommate I assume?” you nodded in response to the overly bubbly person, turning away before he said anything else. “Ah I see.” He giggles awkwardly and moves out of his room to stare at you. “My name’s Karl by the way.”
He seems to be waiting for you to respond, to which you only give a nod and set down your bag. 
“Uhm do you need help with any boxes or anything? I’d be happy to help.” he steps closer and you shake your head as you fuss over your bag. He moves a little closer towards the kitchenette to grab some water or something, and you haul your bag back to your room. Nowhere was sacred. 
It was a while before he tried to initiate conversation with you again, seeming to get the memo quickly. It had been around a week and you picked up on some of his odd habits. The boy drank monster energy like he would die without it, he painted his nails (you thought they were pretty but he would never know), and he giggled at everything. But all good things must come to an end.
So, as you were finishing up editing a piece for your English course, he knocked on your door, jolting you out of your concentration zone. You give an affirmative hum and he cracks the door open.
“Hey…uhm I was gonna watch a marvel movie in the living room, if you wanna…I dunno…” his sentence tapered off into a puff of air as you looked back at your work. You hummed gently, staring at your paper. It was almost finished and it wasn’t due for three days, a movie couldn’t hurt.
You look back and nod at him and a grin grows on his face. Apparently he didn’t mind you being a little quiet. You still kept your guard up though.
“I have candy and popcorn if you want it, and some extra blankets.” He seemed incredibly happy just watching a movie, but hey, free popcorn wasn’t something you’d pass up.
Nodding, you follow him to the living room where disney plus is queued up and plop down on the sofa as far away from Karl as possible. You might’ve imagined it, but he seems to slump a little at that. As soon as you take notice it’s gone, replaced with a bubbly persona. Karl starts the movie and relaxes into the couch, and you can’t help but quietly snort at how he practically melts into it. At some point you reach for the candy bowl, noticing it’s filled with your favorite, and your brows furrow. Strange.
The movie was good, and Karl falls asleep during it, his lashes look unfairly pretty. They aren’t really pretty though, just…they’re aesthetically pleasing to look at alright?
After that you notice a few more things. Karl randomly leaves pieces of candy on your desk while you’re out of the apartment, and he doesn’t try to have conversation. He does offer meals together, and movie nights. You take him up on the movie nights, the dinners are too much face to face for you at one time. He also occasionally sings songs from bands you’ve played out loud while making food for yourself. 
It’s odd. You thought you would be more weirded out by it but, honestly it reassures you more than anything. Sometimes the lump that rests on your throat eases up a little when you’re around him, sometimes enough to almost say something. You never do. 
Karl understands though. He knows you don’t talk at this point. He also knows you don’t touch, ever. You made that very clear when he rested his hand on your shoulder as you cooked. The way you whipped around and held the sauce spoon to his neck told him all he needed to know about your preferences on physical touch.
He asks yes or no questions, and always makes a little noise when entering a room so as to not startle you, and you appreciate it.
The lump keeps getting less and less tight around him, and sometimes, during movies, from the opposite end of the couch, you whisper his name. It hurts, it feels like coals burning down your throat, and every time you speak, alarm bells go off. You fight it every time, because it feels so good to just utter something, anything. You never say it loud enough for him to hear.
One day, you make dinner and knock on his door. He opens it with a weary smile. “Hi, what's up?” you offer the plate to him. “Oh! What the honk? Thank you so much!” he moved to shut his door, thinking the usual exchange was over, but you stopped him, motioning to the coffee table by the sofa. “Oh, okay, yeah, sure!” he looked at you curiously, this was new.
You decided the dining table was too much, so the coffee table would have to do.
“Th-” you were interrupted by a couple of coughs ”thank you.” Karl’s fork clattered onto the plate, his eyes wide in shock. You huffed a laugh at his stunned expression
“You can talk?!” he exclaimed.
You nod. You start to write on a piece of paper from your room you brought out. ‘Selectively mute. I can’t always, only with people I really trust, most people write me off and don’t even try.’
Karl nods looking away from the paper. “I appreciate the thanks, but it’s just human decency. You have a pretty voice by the way..” his cheeks were pink and he seemed flustered. huh.
You hum in response.
After that Karl seems more comfortable around you, hovering in the kitchen as you cook, sitting in your room as you work, inching a little closer during movie nights, never close enough to touch, but close enough to be a presence. He continues to get you candy and stuff, but now you stock the fridge with monsters, as unhealthy as it may be for him.
Everything was great, until one night, about four months in, you had a night terror. They weren’t common, but they all involved the same thing. You woke up soaked in cold sweat, sheer panic coursing through you. Icy sheets of fear washed over you nonstop and you hadn’t realized you were screaming until you heard Karl run in.
“Are you hurt? Are you okay?” he paused, being familiar with anxiety and noticed the terror gripping your face and how your arms were bleeding with sratch marks. “hey, hey, come back to me, c’mon, you’re here. This is your room. What you’re seeing isn’t real, I promise, you are in your room.” he shushed your whimpers until you saw Karl properly.
That in itself sent you down a hole again, knowing he saw a panic, how would he still wanna be there with you? 
“-ere, c’mon, breathe, sh-sh-sh, it’s alright, c’mon sunshine, breathe, you can do it, in, out, in, out” you finally came to, seeing Karl clutching a corner of your blanket, obviously restraining himself from touching you.
“G-go. pl-” another coughing fit interrupts you, “please.” Karl’s head hangs as he hears you, big blue eyes full of something you don’t recognize. He slowly pulls himself up and walks towards the door, turning back to look at you once as you curl in on yourself with shame, before shutting your door.
It was a full week before you looked him in the eyes again. You avoided movie nights, locked your door at night, and ate in your school cafe, no matter how expensive it was. It felt terrible to rip away the one person who brought you comfort, but it was your fault wasn’t it? You let him too close. He was too close.
Eventually Karl got sick of it and slept on the couch one night until you left for class in the morning. When the door inevitably woke him up, he cursed himself for sleeping through the alarm he set for your wake up time. He missed you. He missed the little laughs you let out over random moments in movies, or how you not-so-subtly hoarded your favorite candy during movie nights, or how concentrated you would get on your studies, he just missed you. 
He got used to your pots clanging around at 6:30 pm when you made dinner, he got used to your little dances when you were taking a break from work, he got used to how messy your hair could get, he got used to your huffs of indignancs and your attitude.
Now they are gone. You were gone, and he felt horrible.
That evening Karl stood at the kitchen counter tapping his fingers against the fake granite. You were due home any second, and finally, finally, the doorknob jiggled.
You walked in and he swore you were gorgeous. Even with the eyebags and stooped posture and sullen expression. 
“Hey.” he blocks the hallway and you huff at him.”can we talk?”
You look at the window, almost as if you wish you could jump out of it. Honestly considering the crushing rejection you might face, it seems more and more appealing.
“Look, I’m sorry about the other night. I know you have some hard boundaries about your space, and I try to respect them, I do. But I heard screaming and I literally felt my blood run cold. I…i didn’t know what that saying meant until now. I was so scared.” he peers at you, gauging your reaction.
You held your sides in a hug, waiting for the inevitable pitfall, the ‘what the actual hell man, that’s weird as hell.’ kicking out speech. The one where they say you being completely silent was fine but the screaming was too much. The one where they say it’s ‘too hard’ to be friends with a mute person. The one where they avoid your eyes, and laugh awkwardly, and shy away from you.
It never came. 
He paused and said “I care for you, you know?” your head shoots up, and confusion laces your features as your arms loosen from their iron grip around your ribs and waist. “Did you expect me to be mad?” His face shows surprise and concern.
Looking at the window again you give a slight nod. “M…most people…”
He waits, looking at you with wonder. When you don’t speak he grabs you some water and looks at you again expectantly, waiting for words or a shake of your head. His face is a little pink and he seems concerned.
Well, the lump was fairly loose today, and you didn’t feel like you were dying that first time, so maybe you could… “people…avoid me…they think I…that”
you pause. This was hard. It burned like fire. You knew there wasn’t any real damage but you felt scared. “That I…don’t want to talk…I guess.”
you turn towards the couch, away from karl. “I…went through some stuff…I didn’t…I couldn't…talk after. It ruined me…the psychologist said…it was a…something response...trauma maybe?” you blinked away tears you hadn’t remembered coming.
“I want…I want to talk…and laugh…and be normal…I do. I suppose, people don’t…I don’t think they see me as a person.” you curled into yourself more, hunching over while facing the window.
“Wow. I-I mean that makes a ton of sense now, but I’m so sorry. That’s harsh, people shouldn’t write you off and do that to you.” he sighs and runs his hand through his hair. It was gorgeous, lit by the sunset coming through the curtains. “People suck.”
You shrug nonchalantly.
Karl droops and lifts his arms slightly before dropping them with an unreadable expression on his face. It's gone as quick as it comes. “Okay, are you gonna do movie night again then? Because I really missed that.”
You rolled your eyes and nodded, plopping onto the couch.
Things continued as normal after that, but Karl began to invade your space even more. You noticed his love language was physical affection from all his friends you saw, and you felt a little guilty. It wasn’t like you were withholding affection, it was just hard for you. You tried to make it up in other ways, making food, doing dishes, spending time with him, getting him monster and his favorite foods, leaving affirming notes around, and more. It still wasn’t enough though, at least you felt like it wasn’t.
Karl on the other hand was absolutely over the moon. He kept the little notes under his desk in a small cardboard box. He treasured every second you spent with him, every can of monster, every meal, every clean kitchen. He loved it. He also knew you were trying to make up for your inability to deal with physical contact. He hated that you felt that way but he felt like if it needed addressing, you would tell him.
This little dance lasted weeks, you being too afraid to take a leap, and him being too respectful to indulge when you leaned too close during movie nights. The dance felt electric, the almost touch of fingers reaching for the remote, the hips almost touching in the early morning coffee scramble, the hand hovering over the shoulder as you both studied for various exams. It was intoxicating and suffocating. You wanted contact. 
You were desperate for human touch, a craving you hadn’t experienced in a really long time, you couldn't remember the last time you had touched someone willingly. You yearned for a soft hand brushing hair away from your face, a hand on your shoulder as you did something, maybe an arm around your waist as you poured coffee. Oh, you longed for it so much it hurt like someone was squeezing your heart every time he was around.
Karl didn’t see it, and you resented it. Yes he was respectful, and that was all well and lovely, but dammit you wanted a hug. You hadn’t wanted a hug in forever, but now that you wanted it, it was all you needed. You felt like you were simply insane for wanting something as docile as a hug so badly.
You started with baby steps, brushing his hand as you gave him his coffee, and you swear he gasped softly as he looked at you. 
Karl didn’t notice until you brushed his hand, and what the honk?  How were they so soft and warm? He looked at you with starstruck eyes, as his breath hitched. You had touched him. Willingly.
Purposefully. Normally there was an arrangement when passing things to each other. Avoid skin contact at all costs, and that was that, until now. You had just broken the barrier and he wanted to pull you in and hug you. Maybe sway with you to some stupid song after movie night, but he would take what he could get, and if that was hands brushing over a coffee mug, then so be it. He would savor it.
He started brushing against you, all the time. Any chance he had, his body was next to yours, his hand passing over yours. Coffee in the morning? He would gently hold your hand over the cup for a half second. Homework? He would have an arm against yours for a tiny second, leaning over to see what you were working on repeatedly. Cooking? He was grabbing spices and handing them to you, rubbing your knuckles softly as you took them.
You were going to die. This was the end. You had what you wanted, but it wasn’t enough. You wanted to cry. So you did. Late at night you curled up under your sheets and let the saline drops fall. It was a strange sensation, something you hadn’t done in a while. Your sobs were quiet but Karl heard you. Again. He was stupidly perceptive.
“Sunshine? Are you okay?” you sniffled under your covers, trembling and hiccuping. You felt quiet sobs wrack your body. Unlike last time, Karl didn’t restrain himself from sitting on the bed, clutching the sheets. “ Can I hold you?” His voice was soft with compassion and something you dared not name. Not yet.
You sniffed and nodded against the sheets still facing the wall. You felt him scoot closer behind you and brush your hair away, tracing your face softly. His arms moved to gently flip you over and pull you into him, holding you around the middle. One of his hands traced patterns on your back, as the other played with the hair at the base of your neck.
Oh.
that was amazing.
It felt like anything you ever needed, everything you ever wanted, and you felt safe. Safe, and warm, and held. All you could think of was how secure you felt.
You felt a fresh wave of tears start and Karl, ever the sweetheart, move away slightly in fear that he’d upset you. You quietly whined and pulled him closer so he couldn’t leave, and he giggled. That beautiful, warm, melodic giggle. Soon you both fell asleep, peacefully dreaming.
That became a new norm. Either of you would have a bad night and you would walk across the hall, and stumble into the other’s bed. It was nice to wake up with Karl. his fluffy brown hair surrounded his head like a halo in the mornings, and you adored it. 
Karl enjoyed waiting for you to sleep, seeing your eyes slowly open and close, blinking owlishly, until finally he would shush you to sleep, saying “It’s alright sunshine, you can sleep. I’ll be here.” 
There were also hugs, and such. You would feel Karl come up behind you and curl a sleepy arm around your shoulders, pulling you into him. Sometimes you would hug him as he did video editing for projects, a small drape around his middle, which he always giggled at profusely. Sometimes when you were both a little sleepy, you would hang off eachother, just embracing wherever you were.
Karl absolutely thrived off of the attention. He was so happy and giddy when you were around and you noticed. You began to say a couple sentences a day, to Karl’s growing surprise, and eventually you were able to say hi to classmates too.
It was so sweet, yet so, so bitter. You knew what the word you wanted to use that night was now. Without a doubt. And it hurt. You felt like your chest was caving in, and every time he held you, you wanted to sing, but you also wanted to sob. You loved him. You loved him truly, deeply, and wholly. This was what you were afraid of, the fall. You flew too close to the sun and it terrified you.
What you were unaware of however, was Karl’s mirrored struggle. He felt like you were his everything, his favorite person in the entire world, he’d rather lay in bed and hold you than do anything else. He loved all your little habits, and he loved how you looked. He loved your little huffs and expressions, and he absolutely adored your voice. He became enamored anytime you spoke, feeling absolutely entranced. 
You both skittered around it. Soft spoken words were exchanged in the early morning and late evening, when inhibitions were down and you felt comfortable speaking. Soft touches were a common occurrence, excused by hairs being out of place, or food on cheeks. It was beautiful, in the same way a string instrument slowly builds a sweet melody. It was torturous though, the push and pull killed you both inside. 
Soft touches eventually turned into forehead kisses when one night Karl absentmindedly leaned over as you cooked and kissed your temple. You both turned away and blushed severely at that, and Karl was quick to ask if it was okay. You hummed and nodded in response, brain still short circuiting from the kiss.
He would come up behind you now and hold your waist, kissing the top of your head fondly. You always blushed at it, and if Karl enjoyed seeing you a little red and embarrassed, well that was his business. Karl continued to kiss your forehead, until one day he stopped. He still hugged you, and held you on bad nights, but he didn’t kiss you. It confused you. There was no warning, no 'I'm uncomfortable', just, stopped.
You of course internally panicked, after a few days you thought for sure he was mad, you had done something wrong. He felt weird about you and was slowly taking his affection away, inch by inch. You knew logically he’d never do something like that, but your brain was being a little irrational at the moment.
You started to shy away from touches, and Karl was hurt. He had only stopped kissing you because you hadn’t done it back, so he’d assumed you didn’t want them. He tried to hold you, to hug you like you both normally did, but you avoided it. He could tell it wasn’t because you wanted to avoid him, you weren’t subtle. You piled blankets on at night to keep warm and account for the body heat you had lost by sending Karl away. You sat close on the couch during movie nights, fidgeting, and squirming like you had somewhere to be. You hovered in his room or in the kitchen anytime he was doing something, like you wanted to ask for a hug, but decided against It. was unbearable, Karl could see you were longing for affection, so he decided that breaking boundaries for the sake of both parties’ sanity was okay.
You were doing dishes in the kitchen when you felt his arms around you, and his face sank into your shoulder. You tried to slide them off, but he remained firm. “Why are you avoiding me?” it was barely a murmur, but you felt it through your shirt.  
“M’ not” you reply simply
“Liar.” he breathes into your shoulder.
“We still hang out, right?” he huffs in response “I don’t know what you  mean Karl.”
“Every time I go to hold you, you push me away!” he had lifted his head up and you heard the soft tone of betrayal in his voice.
“It was like that before, I don’t see an issue.” despite your cold tone you were absolutely loving the warmth on your skin, hoping he wouldn't leave for maybe a couple minutes.
He sighs. “Sunshine, please tell me what I did wrong?” you bristle at the nickname. That was for when he held you after panics. Not when you were washing dishes, what was going on?
“You didn’t do anything” that was a half truth, he had kissed you, but now he wouldn’t and you were scared all the other nice things would leave too. The candy on your desk, the movie nights, the little touches, the sweet words, the comfort and solace you found in him. You were scared it would be ripped away, so you had pulled away first.
“Obviously it’s something.” he pulled you tighter against him, pressing his face against the top of your head.
Frustration of having him so close yet needing to push him away overcame you, despite how much you enjoy his arms pressed against you and his head in your hair. “Fine. Okay, if you must know, I was sad that you stopped.. Uhm…the…” you felt him smile
“The what?” he huffed a laugh
“You know, the things” you look down embarrassed. This was humiliating.
“No, I don't know?” Karl did know, he was just being difficult. It was so cute, seeing you all red and flustered, however, he figured that was enough teasing. “Oh! You mean this?” his face moved to the side of your head where he kissed your temple softly, pulling away slowly. “Is that what you meant?” His tone was soft, and a sweet smile playing at the corners of his lips.
“I…uhm, yeah. Yep.” his head returned to your shoulder.
“Good. I’m glad it wasn’t anything serious, I was really worried you were mad at me or something.” he pressed his face into your shoulder. “You should finish the dishes”
“I kinda have a leech right now, so it’s a little hard, you know.” he huffs dramatically and slowly loosens his grip, so he can go sit on the counter.
The dishes take you about twenty minutes and Karl is immediately back to hugging you like a leech again. His arms are tight around your middle and his face is pressed into your hair.
“I really, really missed this.” he breathes into your hair. A hand moves to your chin to turn it softly towards him, and he presses another kiss to your forehead, lingering as you lean into him. He pulls away softly and looks at you with unmistakable adoration. “ You know you’re incredibly beautiful right?” you blue screen at that and he giggles at the deer in headlights expression.
“Well so are you!” you retort, turning back to the sink as his hand falls back to your waist. His arms tighten slightly as he slumps into your shoulder.
“Shut uuuuup” you giggle and reach to pet his hair, to which he responds by lolling his head closer to your hand.
“You’re literally like a puppy” you laugh out and he groans.
“Mm alright then.” you hear a mischievous lilt to his voice and before you can ask he’s kissed your clothed shoulder so softly you'd barely feel it if you weren't paying attention. It sends a jolt of electricity through your spine, leaving you a little breathless. “Is that alright?” His voice is soft like when he kissed your forehead, a little lower and raspier. You can’t help but melt more into him. you nod shocked and a little floaty from all the attention he’s giving you. He giggles at your soft behavior, and moves a bit closer to your neck and kisses bare skin “is that?” another nod. Your brain is mush, he's holding you and kissing you, and you're on cloud nine.
His hands turn you around to face him, and you see his cheeks are dusted vibrant pink. You want to say something, to comment on how nice and safe and warm he makes you feel, how his kisses don't make you scared, but all you manage to say is “pretty”
He giggles and stares at you. His eyes flit down while he nibbles on the corner of his lips. He looks back into your eyes, and he's gone. They're so pretty and you're just standing there, against the sink, looking amazing like you always do and he can't help himself. “Can I…just, can I maybe kiss you? You’re so pretty and I just really wanna kiss your lips, yeah?”
“Yeah.” you stare at his blue puppy dog eyes and you are gone. This man could steal your heart and you’d thank him. Scratch that he already did. And you did thank him, maybe not for that, but it counts.
He moves closer and he’s so warm and oh my gosh he’s right here, smiling softly at you, “Yeah?” you can feel his breath on your lips and the proximity is so addictive you could melt.
“Please just kiss me already.” you sigh and close your eyes. His lips press to yours and you feel warmth. No butterflies or flutters, just warm, sweet and safe. he tastes like monster energy and chocolate, and it's the best thing ever. He pulls your waist closer if even possible and he keeps kissing you softly, and you can't breathe but it's alright. It’s wonderful, so wonderful. It's the feeling of sunshine in the morning when you sleep in, it's the feeling of comfort food, and late night movies, it is everything you want, and everything you need.
When you both pull away he kisses your cheek, and then your temple. “So can I call you mine now? Because if I can’t, I'm actually going to die.” you laugh and nod, and Karl pulls you close, rubbing his fingers up and down your back.
In the end it seems like renting a two bedroom apartment wasn’t so terrible after all.
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baladric · 5 months
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weird grief of finding out from my mom that our larger family doesn't actually think i'm a failure, they're just all mystified about why i haven't monetized any of my art forms yet and i'm like man idk what to fucking tell you
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stockholmgf · 1 year
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i made it the whole semester without crying over school and they got me at 3 am two days before it’s over
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being a fanfic writer is spending 3 hours and 47 different tabs to do research for a fic, only for that research to be used for just one line
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also i have probably said this before but i think faculty need to stop telling students that they shouldn’t go to graduate school. yes students should have the information they need to make the decision (including info about the low stipends, the not-so-great culture of many graduate programs, the vanishingly small number of stable academic jobs, etc). but i’ve always felt like some students are going to hear that and think “well, it won’t be me, i’ll work hard and beat the odds!” (typically your well-off students who have a lot of social & navigational capital and an assured sense of belonging in higher ed spaces), while other students are going to hear it and think “i wonder if they’re just saying that because they think i’m not cut out for graduate study.”
#not everyone needs to do a phd!#but i think anyone who loves learning enough to think 'i wonder if i'd like to keep doing this in a more rigorous way'#deserves to have that desire/interest taken seriously#and should get the chance to learn more about what scholars do and what graduate study entails#i have quite a few students who have gone through that process of exploring grad schools and presenting at conferences#and talking to faculty and writing longer research papers and so on#and have decided 'nah this just isn't something i can see myself doing long-term'#but then i have quite a few who have gone through all of that and been like wow#i know what graduate study entails now#and i know that it's something i want to pursue#also grad students need to stop doing the same thing lol#in general i think the cult of misery around grad school is one of those self-perpetuating things#like YES the systems are broken and YES the advising often blows but ALSO are grad students sometimes in love with#the idea of their own misery? MAYBE#MAYBE A LITTLE BIT#i had horrible advising and was often actively unhappy about that in grad school#but i also had an amazing time and would do it again in a heartbeat#although based on my reading i understand now that is because of a sense of SOCIAL BELONGING#which my school did nothing to cultivate but my cohort actively did on our own#i also think teaching gave me a strong sense of purpose and an identity outside of being a Helpless Student at the mercy of my advisors
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