by the pressures of modern life
the bleak outlook on its future
i find myself unable to go any further
unless someone goes beside me
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I am a mosaic
of no longer valid wounds
overripe glances and gestures
Unhealed, deserted scars
My possessions are extinguished anger
And extinguished joy
My roots dig into my spine and the most delicate parts twisting empty space
My memory is a vague nightmare
Long since slept away smoldering somewhere in the tangle of nerves
My memory is crying and screaming
And laughter that was never enough
It's every emotion reflex impression
Every bump scratch and imprint
Every stranglehold and hand squeezed and pushed away
Rejection and unnoticing
Being overlooked and ridiculed
Ignored and bypassed
On shoulders breaking from events inconsolable
Schowanych nie przeżytych
Tucked away unlived
Worn out
To the limit still burning
And leaving the cruelest silence and echoing resounding: there is no one here, there is only you
YOU
YOU
YOU
YOU
YOU
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Everything is my own fault.
I do it to myself.
I ruin things before I even have a chance for them to begin.
I manifest my own nightmares.
I am at my own fault of why everything in my life has happened.
I did it to myself.
So, I lay here for the last 42 hours, doing nothing but thinking the same thoughts.
“I’m an idiot. It’s my own fault. Im so dumb. I really thought maybe someone would want a baby with me.. or a marriage for that matter.. it’s my own fault. I ruin it before I can even enjoy it. I just upset people. I only stress them out. My happiness is too overwhelming and no one wants to see it. My joy is too loud and no one wants to hear it. Im dying inside but no one wants to see it.. but it’s my own fault.. I did this..”
There’s an aching in a chest I feel only a blade could itch.
There’s a thought in my head only a bullet could silence
There’s an ugly darkness within me that only bleach could remove.
And so this is depression.
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Now that you're gone
I wish you could hurt me again
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"He was a casualty. Yes, that was it, he was sure. Just another notch-mark, one tally amongst untold thousands of people who were, for whatever reason or cause, born into the world and yet had no place in it - A mistake."
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spring is coming. Spring IS COMING. You will stand on soft grass again, and feel the sun kiss your cheeks and shoulders. you will eat of the same berries as the animals returned from their hibernation. you will hear the air alive with your collective breathing.
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will i always be this angry?
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You’ve grown into someone who would have protected you as a child. And that is the most powerful move you made.
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In English, we say: " Overthinking "
But in poetry, we say: " The storms in my head ruined the garden that my soul holds"
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Without love, hope dies and just as surely, without hope, love dies.
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