#delusions cancelled i actually am psychic

[donnerpartyofone]

the first time i can remember being frustrated with my appearance, i was probably about five or six years old. i was totally obsessed with superman, for some inexplicable reason--after this point in time i never felt the slightest interest in him again, i was much more of a batman or catwoman type of person, but i guess i was just primed to love comics, and superman was the first superhero i'd ever seen. plus those old rotoscoped cartoons were absolutely gorgeous, but i guess that was the thing: i saw these images of superman's gloriously sculpted cheekbones and jawline, and i was desperately jealous. i remember stomping around the house, yanking fistfuls of baby fat back from my skull in hopes that i could somehow get them to stay there, wondering why i had to be such a rolypoly little piece of shit and not realizing that the answer was simply, "because i'm 5."

that episode is just kind of funny and delusional, but later as i got more into comics, the art seemed to exacerbate problems i was having with my perception of my body. i was growing up in an era where superhero comics had a heavy pin-up focus; any attention to the fantasy elements or environment or atmosphere or even a sense of movement fell before the dominance of cookie cutter hyper-idealized bodies that were frozen in flashy, often kind of sleazy poses. i totally drank the koolaid on how, er, cool this was, and all the art i made during my early years was slavishly patterned on this stuff. i was developing a lot of delusions about how bodies even worked--like i thought that if you got into really great shape athletically, then you would just naturally wind up with these porn star looks. (of course this type of fallacy about a health-attractiveness connection is used to justify all kinds of shitty attitudes about appearance now, by actual adults who have no excuse for their ignorance, but ANYWAY i was 8 or 9 in this story so i digress) my parents came up with different ways of trying to help me out with what was going on. my dad tried a creative approach, suggesting ideas for characters that counteracted what i was picking up: what about, for instance, a homely, nerdy-looking heroine with irresistible psychic seduction powers? or a fat guy with unequaled strength? (sure, it's been tried, but it's usually reserved for disgusting villains ala the blob) my mom's approach was more in the way of punishing rejection. i have an indelible memory of asking her what she thought of this specific white queen trading card i was trying to replicate. (dumbest character ever btw) i was honestly attracted to its busy linework, i still love that kind of visual stimulus, but i should have known that she would take one look at it and spit at me "I THINK IT'S BORDERLINE PORNOGRAPHY" before storming off without another word.

that's where i could have used a little more discussion. like...what's so wrong with pornography? what do you think it does to people? you grew up during the '60s, what kinds of things did you learn then about the female experience, that would be useful for me to hear while I'M about to turn into a woman? what do you think would be a helpful alternative to the kind of culture i'm consuming, if you think my interests are so harmful? but i didn't get any of that; she was just mad at her young child for having bad taste, as usual, and rejected any form of conversation with someone as tacky as me. and like, i am NOT now saying that i think material like this needs to be erased and replaced. i think people should be allowed to fantasize however they want, on the whole. but i also think it's really important to learn some critical thinking skills. we only have to "cancel" things under the assumption that nobody has the ability to understand what they see and what could motivate it. if my mother had deigned to have a conversation with me about the oppressiveness of certain beauty standards, for instance, then i would have had a much better understanding of where this kind of art was coming from, and THAT might have compelled me to seek out a wider variety of inspiration. or it might not have, but at least i would have taken a broader view of things, and then she might not have had to be so mad at me for being a burgeoning pornographer. i still consume all kinds of material that many or even most people consider pornography, borderline or otherwise, but i take a great interest in its sources and uses and varying interpretations, because i took it upon myself to learn how to think about this stuff. there's no need to be afraid of what you're able to understand. i don't know where i was going with this. "just saying", i guess!