death before living
my self-esteem cracked at such a young age
that whatever talent resided within me
vanished from lack of nourishment
a flower, denied the essence of life
instead left to wilt
never to know its full potential
except I’m still breathing
and I have no fucking clue
how I’m supposed to continue on
find that sprinkle of joy
when I never got a chance to experience it
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Can You See It?
Do you know what it’s like to have your eyes wide open, but you still can’t see?
I’m not blind. I see images, I see color. I just cannot see.
As I enter a room, I acknowledged your presence, but I did not see you. I want to see you. I want you to see me too. There’s something inside of me that causes my blindness. I’m afraid just as I can see your soul, you can see mine. It’s dark in thereb aby, don’t be alarmed. Its quiet in the dark. You don’t want to see my darkness. But you will feel it. I promise. It’s easier to look away, I know. Close your eyes so you can see.
You see me from my light. Through my eyes. Im okay with that. I expect it’ll be this way forever. Some day, you’ll get accustomed to the dark. My dark, or your own? Some day, you’ll realize this darkness is not evil.
Sometimes I hide from my demons, most times I’m arm in arm with them. The comfort in choice. The fear of change. You will feel it. Maybe one day, you too shall see.
It doesn’t hurt. I am not afraid. It just, is. Sometimes life is more fun in the dark. Peaceful? No. Because to love, you must also hate. Truly dependent. I will see you someday. Will you see me? Can you see it? We made it.
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A moment between us so sacred. The way our eyes met. The way they locked until something took our attention away from each other. What lasted seconds in the moment lasted a lifetime in my mind. We never spoke a word to each other, but I swear our eyes roared loud enough for the both of us. Or. For me at least.
It was a moment that kept me captivated. To keep my mind occupied with nothing but you.
I always wondered if you felt the same way. Feeding myself lies to survive. It was a constant battle between what I knew and what I wanted to believe.
A lie that I kept growing bigger and bigger. Almost to the point it became believable, something hard to distinguish between the life I wanted to live and the one I was actually living.
But I rather feed into this false reality than come to terms with the truth. This was the only thing getting me through. A false reality as opposed to the truth.
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