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jcruceweb · 3 years
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My Diary
Posted on April 15, 2021 by James M. Cruce
There was a simple accident, and I fell and hurt my head. Now I can’t seem to stop crying, the tears flow for no reason at all. I remember most of my past and what I used to know and have read. But I can’t remember why, I started to walk into the next room. I probably won’t remember, to turn the stove off any time I use it. I used to be able to spell, very well, now the letters get lost and scrambled. I stay confused about what day it is, I am not sure what has occurred to time. There are such spaces, blanks and voids, I am sure time must have continued on. I just seem to have missed it somehow. I talk to my sisters, and I feel like a stranger. They remember someone that I no longer am. Seven years ago I was hit by a pick-up truck. For seven years I have struggled to regain, all the many cognitive abilities that I had lost. Just this year I was able to say I felt acceptance, and comfort with the stranger that had become me. Funny, now I miss that other stranger, I knew her. Now there is a new stranger, and her abilities are not known yet. Her full range of deficits have yet to be defined. It feels like finally making it to the finish line, just to be told I would have to start the race again, no matter how tired I might be.
by: Debbie M. Wilson 8-25-96
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jcruceweb · 3 years
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Letting Go
If we hide, we don’t have to decide. If we pretend, we don’t have to confide. If we deny, we don’t have to face, the brutal realities, that throw us off base. If we stay angry, we don’t have to deal, with all of the frustration, that we really feel. If we blame others, we can protect ourself. If we don’t face reality, it feels safe on this shelf. If we stay lonely, it disguises other pain. If we stay mad, it might keep us sane. If we let go, could we handle today? If we forgive, could we find our way? If we were willing, to come face to face. Would the internal torment, finally give up the chase? Probably…
by: Debbie M. Wilson 5-16-96 Read more of Debbie M. Wilson’s poetry at Debbie’s Place! https://freshfarmcbd.com/letting-go/
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jcruceweb · 3 years
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FATE
Posted on March 12, 2021 by James M. Cruce
I hear your agony as you try to make sense, of all that seems so senseless. The devastation of being told that you have a brain injury, is an enormous loss. It is so unacceptable and so hard to comprehend, that it seems unendurable. In light of this revelation you certainly have a right to your anger, fury and grief.
Life is a series of upsets, but nothing can prepare us for the tragic loss of ourselves. Self is the part of us that is our personality, the part that makes us different from all others. This is the part of our loss that so many without head injuries do not realize. It is not necessarily that things are harder now, it is that we have changed forever.
To accept is to admit affirmatively to something that cannot possibly be denied. Fate is defined as the supposed force, principles, or power that predetermines events. This means that fate cannot be changed. But the manner in which we select to survive fate can be. We can stay angry and choose to be miserable the rest of our lives. However, fate still rules, and the only control left for us is the way we select to handle what fate has thrown our way.
No amount of loss, can take away the true beauty found in life. All tragedy gets easier to bear with time. All internal pain does ease with the passing of time. But the way you handle what fate has thrown your way is totally up to you, and a matter of your personal choice. No one can force acceptance on someone else for the things that cannot be changed. This is an individual choice.
The birds don’t stop singing, no matter how devastating the tragedy. The rivers don’t quit flowing no matter how great a loss someone experiences. You see life continues to go on regardless of what catastrophe happens. The sun continues to shine, the cries of new-born babies continue to bring joy. The flowers continue to bloom in all their beautiful glory. The only real decision is whether you are courageous enough to go forward, even with an unfortunate tragedy, that has changed life as you once knew it.
by: Debbie M. Wilson 7-2-96 Read more of Debbie M. Wilson’s poetry at Debbie’s Place!
https://freshfarmcbd.com/fate/
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jcruceweb · 3 years
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Mom, did you see how the other kids stare at me? Why do they treat me so differently, unfriendly and cold? Mom, hasn’t anyone taught them about epilepsy and seizures? Mom, do you know sometimes my shame makes me want to fold?Mom, why doesn’t everyone have seizures like me? Then I would not feel so embarrassed and out of place. Mom, why can’t they realize, I really am just like them? Mom, will my life always be like this? Will I win this race?Mom, you were sad yesterday, does that mean I am hurting you? Mom, I just want to be like all the other children, is it my fault? Mom, I am not feeling quite right, I am afraid it is going to happen. Mom, these seizures scare me I wish they could be brought to a halt.Mom, I am almost grown now, it’s time to decide what to do with my life. Mom, you won’t always be there to hold my hand when the seizures hit. Mom, you are going to have to be tough, just like you’ve taught me to be. Mom, I want to thank you for being there for me even if I kicked or bit.Mom, even when others made fun of me or treated me like I was strange. Mom, you always had a hug, and were successful in wiping my tears away. Mom, I just wanted you to know how special your care has consistently been. Mom, growing up won’t ever mean that anything will keep me from coming your way. I Love you Mom.by: Debbie M. Wilson 7-9-96
Read more of Debbie M. Wilson’s poetry at Debbie’s Place!
https://freshfarmcbd.com/epilepsy-mom/
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jcruceweb · 3 years
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DON’T TAKE AWAY MY HOPE
Things may be bad sometimes and to some may seem hopeless, please just let me accept my life in reality and love my life anyway. I’m asking you to try not to steal what keeps me going…Hope.
There are those times that I am quite aware of how bad things are, those temporary moments when I can’t see through my streaming tears, But I am begging you to let me hold on to what I need…Hope.
Please don’t ever say you could not stand to live the life that I have, you couldn’t possibly know unless my life were the life you were living. I’m asking you to let me have what I need for the moment…Hope.
Don’t make false promises or false dreams, but let me have my dreams. Please don’t as a professional, ever say there are no more answers or help, I am pleading with you to allow me the luxury I need most…Hope.
Always there are more answers, it may just be you without those answers. When you make these type of remarks, it makes it hard to hold on to my hope. I am telling you that all patients need that one joint component…Hope.
If you haven’t walked in someone else’s shoes, don’t be to quick to judge. All of us at times face adversity, just some have to live with it all the time. We are somehow able to find strength and endurance through…Hope.
Don’t ever say we will amount to nothing or get no where fruitful in this life,as long as we can live, we can still give to someone who needs what we have. In giving to others the survival tips we have learned we have…Hope.
No matter how grave the situation or how serious the medical problem, remember that miracles and things not quite understood by man happen. Don’t ever be so cruel and heartless as to take away someone’s…Hope.
by: Debbie M. Wilson  7-24-96
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jcruceweb · 3 years
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My dearest child, how I hunger to change your destiny, perceiving your anguish; wishing it had befallen me. Apart treading blindly; united we more capably see, steadfastly in your camp; the only place I desire to be.
Shattering my heart with the continuance of your pain, feeling so inadequate makes me sometimes feel insane. Crushing feelings of regret; internal ghosts of disdain, opposing emotions interfering with ultimate gain.
Intimately observing you in peacefulness of sleep, remembering precious moments of learning to count sheep. Wondering whatever happened to those little tiny feet, declaring love and tenderness and pledges I will keep.
Insufficient are my words to guide you through this plight, discouragement and frustration are certainly your right. Deficient seems my wisdom to direct you through this fight, only convinced perseverance will permit the ultimate height.
by: Debbie M. Wilson 5/27/96
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jcruceweb · 3 years
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I am watching your face, I listen closely to your words. I think I know the answer, But I wait and watch; just in case.
Friends all say that I look the same, They say that must mean I am fine. I smile and nod and play the game, It is easier to just pretend.
But the truth is I must try very hard, Or they will know I am not the same. They are fearful of that knowledge, So I continue to play the game.
Their ignorance makes me angry, Although I try not to let it show. But they make me feel defensive, There is so much they don’t know.
As friends and loved ones protect themselves, I have been forced to play the game. I wish you could love me unconditionally, And quit expecting me to be the same.
It just seems that if you had my injury, I wouldn’t ask you to be a star. I would be thankful for our time together, I would accept you for who you are.
You see I was searching for acceptance, But it has eluded me for many years. It was hard for me to accept my changes, While I was busy calming your fears.
https://freshfarmcbd.com/pretense/
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jcruceweb · 3 years
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PAIN
I listen to your words, I can feel your pain. I know you wonder, If it will drive you insane.I know words seem empty, When your pain is so real. But there are many others, that know how you feel.When the day is unbearable, when you feel all alone, remember our empathy, we recognize your tone.We have all been there, all know how you feel. The frustration and anger, the temptation to keel.When energy is depleted, as all hope fades away, hold on to tomorrow, it will be a new day.As friends neglect you, when clouds are all you see, remember time is a healer, and time is the key.
by: Debbie M. Wilson  5-16-96 Read more of Debbie M. Wilson’s poetry at Debbie’s Place! https://freshfarmcbd.com/pain/
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jcruceweb · 3 years
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OUR CRY FOR HELP
Posted on April 17, 2021 by James M. Cruce
Our weeping vocalizes suffering and grief. Our bitterness cries of deep sorrow and anguish. Our anger is a shout of pent-up frustration. Our hopelessness bellows of dreams unfulfilled. Our confusion speaks of life out of control. Our depression thunders of surrender and retreat. Our withdrawal chants of a craving to vanish. Our joylessness roars of lack of enthusiasm. Our hope is retrievable via anticipation and belief. Our spirit is battered but we can keep it from being broken. Our life is redeemable solely reclaimable by self. The future represents our chance for positive major change.
by: Debbie M. Wilson 6-2-96
https://freshfarmcbd.com/our-cry-for-help/
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jcruceweb · 3 years
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Memories…sometimes joyful, sometimes painful, Sometimes meaningful, sometimes a waste of time. Memories…the past , what was…what no longer is, Constantly and graphically fleeting through our mind.
Memories…time spent in another day in a preferential way, Sometimes unrealistic, sometimes just a means for escape. Memories…recalling past feelings of contentment and success, Many times so much easier than accepting today’s fate.
Memories…can be selective, glorified in their recollection, Probably not always accurate, dreams we only wish were real. Memories…remarkable in their power to sometimes evoke pain, A salve for all the disappointment we all occasionally feel.
Memories…life that existed in an earlier, possibly easier time, A sanctuary of comfort, an anesthetic way of easing our pain. Memories…our solitary return that helps us define who we are, Many times evoking such emotion that the tears fall like rain.
Memories…help us to maintain when life invariably gets us down, But life is not complete when the past is not merged with today. Change can not be prevented we must learn how to face the new, Memories…are wonderful but not a safe haven where we can stay.
https://freshfarmcbd.com/memories/
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jcruceweb · 3 years
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As we Recover
As we recover, what will we do? As we recover, will we still be the same me and you? As we recover how will it change our point of view? As we recover will we be brand new? Our journey to wellness takes time and is long, And those on this road must stay exceptionally strong. Though the obstacles were tremendous we have all survived. Our faith we could recover against the odds kept us alive. Now we’re in recovery, what will we do? We suffered and conquered and saw it through. We are back from the black and abyss of despair, It is our time to move on; it is time for us to share and care. We are life warriors and we learned what to do, We are life warriors and we are a brand new me and you. We are life warriors it changed our point of view, We are life warriors and we are all brand new!
by: Debbie M. Wilson 12/15/2020
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jcruceweb · 3 years
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It is amazing what could happen,
If we could all find and keep our own inner peace,
If the wars within us and beyond could finally cease.
It is amazing what could happen,
If we could all love instead of hate.
If we could all medicate and meditate,
If we realized, a new world we are here to help create,
If we realized, we just need to manifest and concentrate.
It is amazing what could happen.
If we considered the feelings of others,
If we realized, we are all sisters and brothers.
if we realized, we are the world’s most powerful crusaders,
if we realized we are the world’s most courageous warriors.
It is amazing what could happen,
It If we could all love instead of hate.
If we could all medicate and meditate,
If we realized, a new world we are here to help create,
If we realized, we just need to manifest and concentrate.
is amazing what could happen,
If we considered the feelings of others,
If we realized, we are all sisters and brothers.
if we realized, we are the world’s most powerful crusaders.
if we realized we are the world’s most courageous warriors,
It is amazing what could happen,
If we could all love instead of hate.
If we could all medicate and meditate,
If we all realize a new world we are here to help create,
If we all realize we just need to manifest and concentrate,
It is amazing what could happen.
If we could all find and keep our own inner peace,
If the wars within us and beyond could finally cease.
by: Debbie M. Wilson
12/09/2020
Read more: https://freshfarmcbd.com/it-is-amazing/
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jcruceweb · 3 years
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GOING FORWARD WITH LIFE
When the clock has gone forward
and all rehab has been completed,
Where exactly do we pick up our life?
Our abilities and level of function
have changed from the brain injury,
Where exactly do we pick up our life?
We cannot go back to a different time
to a place where we have already been.
Where exactly do we pick up our life?
In many ways we are a new person
old dreams must somehow be put to rest.
Where exactly do we pick up our life?
How do we figure out what is realistic?
Will we know the right path to follow?
Where exactly do we pick up our life?
We have felt the beginning and also an end.
We must somehow say good-bye to the old.
Where exactly do we pick up our life?
It is frightening to find a new beginning,
never knowing if we can possibly succeed.
Where exactly do we pick up our life?
We must stop wasting time and move forward,
we have to let go of “what has been” before.
Where exactly do we pick up our life?
We have to stop hiding, we must not be afraid,
even though any change is quite over-whelming.
Where exactly do we pick up our life?
We have to take baby steps and venture into unfamiliar,
we must change old goals and try to think of the new.
Where exactly do we pick up our life?
We start with today and embrace the gift of life,
realistic planning can help to readjust our dreams.
Where exactly do we pick up our life?
We must consider today as the first day of life,
letting go of what was but can also never be.
That is exactly what we do to pick up our life!
by: Debbie M. Wilson
10-16-97
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jcruceweb · 3 years
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Gratitude
There were beautiful flowers with gorgeous buds, but I missed them totally as I concentrated on the thorns. There were incredible rainbows, but it was as if I were blind because I couldn’t see them as I frowned about the rain. There was a roof over my head and food on the table, but instead of appreciation I just worried about paying the bills. There were people in need and I didn’t notice them, instead, I worried about petty, minor details of life. There was a time that I was quite healthy, but I missed its importance as I stayed caught up in the rat race of life. I have experienced love, kindness, and joy, but I never stopped to be thankful for them, I instead took them for granted. I have experienced parenthood, with all its ups and downs, but I never stopped to fully realize these were gifts not given to everyone. I have experienced occasional intense physical pain, but I never considered the people that live with pain every moment of their lives. There are people dying at this moment that would trade places with my abilities and my health in a split second. Maybe I am finally learning that life does get hard, but when it does you just put one foot in front of the other and go on anyway. And today I will notice the flowers, the rainbows, the children, my painlessness, my home and food, and be sure not to complain about my health.
by: Debbie M. Wilson 7-27-96
Read more of Debbie M. Wilson’s poetry at Debbie’s Place!
Neurology and Cannabinoids Brain Injury Awareness Noah’s Ark Consulting DEBBIE'S PLACE
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jcruceweb · 3 years
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Hello, please allow me to introduce myself, my name is Loss. I travel throughout the universe with a very specific job description. I help guide you to your destiny. I have several friends that either travel with me or on their own. Their names are pain, suffering, grief, anxiety, disappointment, unfairness and depression. Loss is a part of what is known as the cycle of life. I do not select my visited because they are more deserving of heart-ache than others. My job is not to punish, it is just to carry out what is to be. You have not been singled out to be hurt or punished, even though I know you may have thought so. Instead I am an instrument of fate, making room and space for your destiny. Destiny refers to what we are able to become whereas fate describes what one was. Destiny is what we each choose to do with fate, how we play the hand we’re each dealt. Destiny is determined not solely by fate, but by how we choose to respond to fate. You see loss starts visiting you when you are first born. The first time you experience me is when you are taken from the womb of your mother. I am the one that visited you when you lost your first front tooth. I was also there when you lost your first race. I was the one that visited you each time you had your heart broken. You see I have been a part of your life since the minute you were born. Sometimes my damage was easier to recover from than other times. I noticed when it was difficult for you but I could not intervene. I knew that I not only had a job to do, but you were in the middle of the molding process. You are the person that you are today because I visited you. Some of you have handled me easier than others, but all of you have grown as a result of my visits. There are so many people out there who have been touched by your loss experiences. Your influence was far more far reaching than just to yourself or your immediate family. There have been lives changed that you will never even know about, as a result of my visits to you. It was not just you that needed molding but others as well. I just wanted to take the time to thank-you for helping me to mold the universe.
Sincerely, Loss & Destiny
by: Debbie M. Wilson 03/17/2021
https://freshfarmcbd.com/loss-destiny/
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jcruceweb · 3 years
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Follow Your Dreams
Follow your dreams, one baby step at a time.No matter how hard, just continue to climb. When you stumble, don’t lose sight of your goal. We must press forward no matter how costly the toll. For only on top can we see the whole view of our climb? At the top, we’ll see what we’ve achieved in our lifetime. We will see our improvements from the best possible view. We needed to accomplish something only done by a few. When you stumble, don’t lose sight of your goal. This brain injury journey involves all our hearts and soul. Follow your dreams, one baby step at a time. There is no hurry we have a lifetime to continue our climb.
by: Debbie M. Wilson 2014
Read more of Debbie M. Wilson’s poetry at Debbie’s Place!
https://freshfarmcbd.com/follow-your-dreams/
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