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#dad jokes
tiger-manya · an hour ago
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Adrien: Father, how can I have so many fashion photoshoots, yet I wear the same outfit to every one of them?
Gabriel: It's because you're a model...
Adrien: ..?
Gabriel: ...a 3d model.
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willowrose99 · an hour ago
so whaaaat if you don’t know what apocalypse means?!
…it’s not the end of the world
Nati…if this isn’t you I’m gonna be shocked…and I don’t like you for making me laugh so hard at this joke. Nearly spat my pasta out. Meanie. @meganskane
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maderilien · an hour ago
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incredible how much the way the parting happens influences a memory. i felt terrible this entire meeting but we laughed at the end and now i'm like, hmm it wasn't bad? my hand was shaking lmao but no, it didn't sour my day or my week or the rest of my month. hm
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fred-robedeaux · 3 hours ago
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My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
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y0umakemesad · 4 hours ago
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i have to admit, i am not feeling like an empire state of mind right now
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rem-ariiana · 6 hours ago
i ran out of toilet paper so i’ve been using old news papers
.... the times are rough
i love this so much wow this made me smile
what time did i go to the dentist?? ... tooth hurt-y
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cozmixs · 6 hours ago
hi bored, i'm tetsurō
-kuroo
why, hello tetsuro
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makaylajadewrites · 6 hours ago
what do you call a can opener that’s broken?
…a can’t opener
a can-staying-close-er
7/10
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turnthepaige9 · 8 hours ago
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My dad and I were in the drive thru at McDonald’s this morning and he saw how busy it was. He looked over at me and said dang they better start hiring taller people. I looked at him confused and he stared at me with a blank face and said “they’re short staffed”.
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homoose · 11 hours ago
my neighbour told me he was scared to plant an apple tree.
...i told him to grow a pear.
lol please y’all are tew much
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justanoffalygirl · 13 hours ago
Stellaride having to deal with Flora in her teenage years head cannon
Stella was a demon teenager, and Kelly grew up with a family collapsing around him. So to say they were terrified for Flora's teenage years is putting it mildly.
But it was her preteen years that were actually worse.
Apart from the hormonal teenage moodswings. Kelly never could work out how to handle them. And they always seemed to be worse when Stella was on shift.
They're not actually that strict parents. They give Flo a long leash, but they reign her in when she needs it.
Because of their jobs, and what they've talked about at home with her, she's sensible when it comes to the usual teenage divilment. (Do folks know what divilment is? It's like...rowdy fun, but good natured.)
From the time she's in her mid teens if she wants a sip of alcohol when her parents are drinking at home they let her have a taste. They don't want her to end up like the stories Sylvie tells of college kids getting their stomachs pumped, and figure it's better for her to be aware.
When she gets her first boyfriend Kelly wants to invite Joe and Matt around for when he's picking Flora up.
Stella texts their wives, and suddenly both men are 'busy' that afternoon. She gets Sylvie and Chloe to pull out the big gun threat if they come over.
When her first heartbreak comes Kelly helps soothe her.
She's not a perfect teenager. She nearly breaks her parents hearts when she comes home one day with a septum piercing. Kelly freaks out and threatens to remove it with a pliers. Stella's a bit more chill about it, and once Flo agrees to hide it up her nose on special occasions it can stay.
This leads to the rule that she can only get piercings if they're in her ears or she can hide them.
By the time she graduates high school she has two in each earlobe, plus several in the cartilage of her ear. Kelly likes making the joke she'll set off a metal detector at the airport.
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bluewinnerangel · 14 hours ago
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What do you call a beard / PR stuntbuddy used to explain the narrative of an artist's album?
an excuse muse.
EXCUSE MUSE
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thank you thank you thank you I'll be here all year
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baddadjokez · 15 hours ago
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What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory
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alchemic-elric · 17 hours ago
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@flameleads​ is bein’ fuckin’ horrible again: 
"You got a sec? Need to pick your brain about something." Completely innocent with his usual daily crossword. He even looked serious. "What do you call a wheel made out of iron? It's slipping my mind." No it wasn't, and they both knew it.
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He stops on his path to the kitchen and looks back at his father’s call -- a request to pick his brain doesn’t happen often but it does more than it did in the past. Path rerouted he finds his way into the living room, standing in front of the couch his father is lazing on while he picks at the crossword in the paper.  Brows raised, he  answers. 
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“Yeah what’s up?” 
However expressions change quickly as the elder continues to speak and brows furrow as golden eyes glare and the teenager can feel his jaw lock at the question. Oh that’s how he’s gunna be huh?  He wants to play that fuckin’ game, does he?
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“God I dunno Papa. I’ve Benzene these Rings in m’vision fer a minute n’ it’s jus’ been makin’ it so hard ta concentrate on any’hin’. You think maybe I should go git m’ glasses? Shit ol’man it really isn’t ferrous kids ‘er havin’ more trouble with shit than you. You think on that n’ git back ta m’.” 
Takes two to fuckin’ tango Papa and he knows how to dance. 
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matthewdavidbrown · 20 hours ago
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I was attacked by a herd of cows.
I'm okay.
I was just grazed.
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greymantledlady · 21 hours ago
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lol sometimes i wish there was a tag people used consistently for their longass thirst gifsets of men so i could block it... like I'm so happy that you like the middle aged man from the superhero movie god bles i support you but 😭 my finger hurts from scrolling down too fast and then i go too far by accident and miss the next post? lesbian problems 😂😂
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murderousink23 · 23 hours ago
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What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
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