#cw: emotional neglect

[pain-is-my-game]

Parents really do traumatize you and then force you to reparent yourself instead of being a capable human being who can contribute to society like a normal person. Sorry I can't get a well paying job right now I'm trying to learn coping mechanisms.

#i will never care if you reblog #vent #tw vent #cw vent #parentification #toxic parents #emotional trauma #trauma #childhood trauma #trauma coping #childhood emotional neglect #eldest daughter syndrome #eldest daughter #parentified child #childhood neglect #thoughts to throw into the void

[nmolesofadrenaline]

#abuse survivor #toxic family #emotional abuse #dysfunctional family #toxic mom #toxic parents #ptsdlife #ptsd awareness #ptsd recovery #childhood ptsd #actually ptsd #ptsd vent #complex ptsd #ptsd #tw abuse #childhood neglect #cw neglect #neglectful parents #child neglect #emotional neglect #parental neglect #tw neglect #abandoment issues #abandoned #mommy issues

[idiot-mushroom]

To Be Quiet

pick wisely

#remember you 🫵 wanted this #tmnt #tmnt au #my au #teenage turtle ninja mutants #tmnt iteration #child abuse tw #emotional neglect #emotional abuse #emotional abuse tw #emotional abuse cw #bad parenting #tmnt raph #tmnt raphael #tmnt leo #tmnt leonardo #tmnt mikey #tmnt michelangelo #tmnt donnie #tmnt donatello #tmnt splinter #comic #my comic #angst angst angst

[mintflavouredwhump]

An eldest child whumpee who is always forced to be the 'role model' of their younger siblings while bearing the brunt of their parents' anger and expectations.

#anyone who's an eldest child raise your hand *raises mine* #eldest child #eldest daughter syndrome #eldest daughter #eldest child whump #eldest child whumpee #parental whump #parental whumper #parent whumper #familial whump #dysfunctional family whump #tw emotional abuse #tw emotional neglect #cw emotional abuse #whump #tw whump #whump prompts #whump scenario #whump writing #whump inspiration #indu whumps

[psi-spectacular]

Since I saw @kibasniper111 do this for the campers, I wanna do some headcanons I have for the interns! Also they get sadder as you go down, be warned.

Raz

Trans kid who's fully accepted by his parents. Sorry I just really can't see the aquatos being transphobic and genuinely don't think transphobia is super common in the psychonauts universe? He's unlabeled at the moment and uses he/him pronouns.

Nona mixing up Raz's name with his brothers is because her brain had to connect Raz now having a boy name and connecting that to the other brothers so shes just a lil confused but shes got the spirit

He has (currently) undiagnosed autism, mostly because 1. there is no way the aquato family is able to afford a psychologist but 2. Augustus is also autistic and they have similar mannerisms, sensory issues, and stims so most of the family doesnt suspect that Raz is neurodivergent, they just think he takes after his father.

His helmet and googles are very much comfort items, but they also help with sensory issues. While they block out noise and reduce color in the area around him if needed, his helmet also stops him from constantly hearing the thoughts of others, which can easily overwhelm him.

He's mostly able to speak to smaller animals, mainly rodents like mice, rats, and squirrels, since they were the ones that were most common at different areas he would travel too.

He fell into water and almost drowned when he was little and that was the biggest thing that spurred the "hand of galocchio" thing.

Raz spent a lot of time in libraries and bookstores in the many towns he's traveled to in between practice and shows, and that was the way he discovered both his love for psychology and true psychic tales.

Raz is sensory seeking and douses everything he eats in hot sauce and spices. He'll try pretty much anything as long as its free and remotely edible. This extends to touch, he likes rubbing his hands on textured surfaces, especially velvet and fur.

He rubs his gloves on his face, bites, and scratches at them when he's stressed, so they're worn down where he's done it.

He has a plush toy Nona made him when he was a baby that used to be a rabbit but it's been repeatedly bitten, crushed, splattered in mud, and fixed so many times that it barely looks like a specific thing anymore, But he refuses to part with it no matter what.

His relationship with the junior agents goes from "eugh its weird having a kid here, we can't swear anymore." to "hello, this is our emotional support 10 year old, his name is shitfuck, we feed him moss, he's the golden retriver that keeps the cheetahs in our hearts from going insane, we constantly make fun of him and if you do anything to hurt his feelings no one will find your body."

Dona taught him how to forage and cook when he was little.

He enjoys dressing up and acting out roles whenever he can, and is very quick on his feet with his roles. He gets into LARPing later in life.

Raz doesn't have a specific specialty, so he's a bit of a jack of all trades when it comes to powers.

Morris

Another trans dude, Wowza. He's been out for a shorter time than Raz, but he's pretty comfortable with where he is right now. He's also bi! Woo.

He's peruvian, and was orphaned at a very young age before being adopted at around age 5 by his moms. He's currently 16.

He was one of Milla's orphans, but he was very young when the fire happened and he doesn't remember what happened or Milla, but his back did get injured in the fire and never fully healed, and that's why he's in the wheelchair.

His moms are rockabillies who own a motorcycle repair shop in the outskirts of Trujillo, They're big into 50's american culture and almost always have the radio on to whatever rock station is playing at the time, which helped inspire his love of radio and older fashion style. The albums he plays on KLOB are the only ones they let him bring because they were copies of records they already had.

He has a regular wheelchair with, you know, wheels, but when he fully learned levitation he found it easier to move around with a chair on a lev ball, especially on rougher terrain, so thats what he usually uses.

Despite his amount of Rizz he has no clue that Adam has a crush on him (not totally his fault, Adam's attempts of flirting are stuttery at best). He's just. Slightly oblivious to the feelings of others.

He acts like he doesnt care what people think. He very much does, and has some very overcompetative tendancies.

He and Gisu met in the motherlobe and have been part of the intern program for the longest, spending three years doing dumb shit in the woods while brushing off their intern duties or whatever they are.

He immediately took Queepie under his wing and they end up becoming really good friends, even if he isn't the greatest DJ. Cause he's, yknow, like 8.

Gisu

She/Her Intersex transmasc bisexual. Binds.

She's an Iranian immigrant who lives in a small town in the midwest, Same town as Lizzie and Norma. They're families know each other and they're childhood friends.

AuDHD and NPD.

She's an only child and lives with her mother and grandparents. She's slightly spoiled and they pretty much let her do whatever she wants, as long as she doesn't get arrested.

She's autistic and has a special interest in paleontology and robotics. She was part of her school's robotics team before joining the psychonauts.

She's very much a romantic, but tends to leap into crushes quickly and gets her heart broken.

Speaking of, she and Norma are QPPs.

Morris and her are besties and each others hypeman.

She has a tendency to work on her projects late into the night to the point of not noticing that its three in the morning by the time she finishes something.

She's easily able to focus on something that interests her, but if she doesn't think its something she would like to do, she procrastinates and avoids it like the plague. She gets easily distracted when she finally does get started.

Has a fursona. Its an otter.

BIG Boy band fan. All paul but also n-street, synced up boys, and whatever she can get her hands on. She doesn't care if its considered "trashy", it sounds good to her ears!

Also daft punk.

She loves Dion for his lack of swag and dumb barry b benson ass expressions

She was raised muslim and is personally agnostic but Sam convinced her Jesus and Moses were psychic and she constantly pisses Norma (catholic) off by bringing it up.

She's smart and gets good grades but doesn't have much respect for authority. She has A's and B's despite skipping most of her classes.

Adam

Transfem gay, but currently unaware of his gender, mostly from repression and not feeling the need to go too far inward. (Dont all guys wish they could wake up in the body of a girl and have no one question it and call him a she?) She/He, 16 years old.

She's from a rich, very influential family in britan known for having a lot of successful and gifted members. There's a lot of push for all the kids to do something "big" with their lives, and many begin to achieve that at very young, most having scholarships and awards at young ages.

And then there's Adam. Her biggest achievements are being

Truman's intern and that time she reached the quarterfinals of the county debate tournament. She's surrounded by ivy bound prodigies and musical geniuses and she's just… some history buff. She fades into the background noise, and feels like she's failing her family despite his best efforts.

Not fully conscious of the amount of wealth his family has. What do you mean your family doesn't send you 80 dollar tea overseas every month?

On a lighter note, He's taken it upon himself to become a bit of a "big brother" to Raz because he has a sibling around his age and he reminds her of them. She's trying to teach him how to play tetris. • As mentioned before, he has a crush on Morris but is terrible at flirting. He's one of Morris' few listeners on KLOB, but mostly does it because he enjoys hearing his voice.

She and Lizzie are absolutely TOIGHT. Lizzie immediately pinned her as a dweeb first time they met and she was right. They became a lot friendlier over time and were pen pals when Adam went back home after their first year.

Adam's eyes are all funky because he's got extra strong aura reading abilities, but the downside is that he basically goes blind for a while sometimes and has to orient around the world by seeing others auras and how they reflect off and affect objects.

Had a cringey katana-and-fedora phase when she was like 13. He tries to repress the memory. Her friends won't let her live it down because they have photo evidence.

Telekinesis specialist

Sam

CW For parental neglect, bullying, and parentification. Hoo boy lotta thoughts here.

Genderfluid Xenogendered Lesbian but not fully out to people who aren't the other junior agents. 14 and uses any pronouns but mainly she/her publicly.

Her family life is... strained. She lives in a pretty small town in the middle of nowhere, southeast america. Her family was normal when she still felt like a kid, but after Dogen acidentally blew up a bullies head, it became a frantic rush of lawyers, policemen, and hospital visits.

Since her parents were frequently away trying to figure out ways to mitigate Dogens abilities and find ways to settle the lawsuit they got, Sam would spend many hours alone. She quickly had to figure out how to cook and gather food outside to sustain herself because they would sometimes be in too much of a rush to prepare anything or be gone for longer than expected.

As things started to calm down, her parents would leave her alone with Dogen while they went off doing whatever else, and when they came back they would be too tired or too stressed to help her with anything.

She spent most of her days in the companionship of animals, almost always got up whenever Dogen was hungry or sick or had a nightmare, just to feed him and make sure he was okay.

Her parents basically treated her like a third adult when she was like 10, venting to her and letting her do most of the chores in the house when they were away, and they never really left her with a babysitter because she's "so mature for her age".

She has a strong fear of developing it herself, so she represses her anger. When someone is being mean to her and she starts focusing more on not blowing up than whats happening so she gets an unfocused look which leads to more teasing.

She eventually decided to just play into the "stupid weird girl" role, hoping being the butt of a joke in a friend group and making people laugh would help ease up her anger if she just laughs it off as her being dumb. (This ended up leaking into her and Norma's relationship and was part of the reason why they broke up.)

She did actually get in prison! She had a meltdown when the teasing became too much and attacked one of the girls in her "friend" group. She got sent to juvie for that. Her parents had to get a lot of recommendations from Compton to get her into the intern program and send her away.

The anxiety is genetic!!! Yayyyy!! Same with the autism.

Her trauma's left her with a very dysfunctional view of relationships and uses the animals as a way to feel like she has some control over her life and that she isn't a servant, she can lead too and help others improve themselves. This ended up leaking into

Heavy backstory stuff outta the way, back to the present. Sam's nickname is barncat because she runs off in the middle of the night and comes back the day after covered in mud and whatever else. She's basically made herself queen of the questionable area and forages for food and scrap metal at night. also she occasionally hacks up hairballs. no one wants to know why

Despite her.. questionable pancakes, Sam is actually a very good chef! She's just better at using more dubious ingredients.

She has PCOS and is on birth control to regulate it (projecting...)

Also IBS! She gets random tummy aches a lot and has zero clue why it happens.

Sam's kinlist includes raku chan gregor samsa and that canary she saw once when she was a kid

Sam constantly masks back home and the motherlobe is the only place she feels she can be weird and free. She used to have longer hair but she lopped it off sometime during her internship because dysphoria (i hc its like end of summer so near the end of the intern program that year)

Sam ends up deciding to become Raz's weird older sister. Sam has no braincells, raz simultaneously has a lot of and no braincells at the same time, but when they're together they somehow add up to -7. She gives Raz advice that ranges from suprisingly helpful to very dubious

She really does love her grandpa, even if she's seen less and less of him throughout her life.

Her specialty is zoolingualism, but I think she'd be skilled at abilities that require her hands, like Psi-Punch and confusion bombs. She used mental connection to create a lasso of sorts she calls "critical thinking" which lets her lasso enemies and tie them down.

Norma

Cw for emotional abuse and manipulation.

Norma's a trans girl, who uses she/her pronouns exclusively. She's a lesbian, 15 years old. She's also Afro-Filipina.

I've mentioned this, but her mother is the mayor of the town they're from. They've very much in the higher rung of their town when it comes to wealth.

Norma's mother is very cold and analytical, constantly seeing most things she does as transactional. Every positive interaction is a step towards a vote, every negative action reflects badly on her status. Average politician. This extends to her daughters and how she expects them to act.

She's the kid that's always trying to be on her parents good side, because failure isnt tolerated in their family and definite high expectations for both sisters and how they're supposed to behave. The two of them constantly needed to fight to get their mothers affection and love. But Lizzie's pretty much given up on trying to appease her, so despite her powers being seen as "less rare", she's the preferred child now.

Her mom uses her as a token of "I'm not transphobic! I have a trans kid!" Despite, in private, constantly misgendering her and insisting she barely change her name (norman to norma) You know how transphobes are a minority in this verse? Yeeep. Its better for her mom to pretend her views are something else so she can get more votes.

Should I add the two of them had a catholic upbringing? Big amount of guilt on her end but at the same time a sense of superiority and entitlement. She's devout and retreats into religious studies as a coping mechanism

Raz makes her feel threatened in her status as "#1 student" and she's very aggressive about it.

She's still not over her and Sam's breakup and is slowly starting to obsess over her and why it ended.

Norma is a big fan of detective shows like Columbo, Sherlock, and Death Book. She absolutely wants to be a detective and solve mysteries, part of the reason why she joined the intern program.

She has NPD, BPD, Autism, and struggles with insomnia.

Despite her last name, neutral to christmas.

Shes a teachers pet and would remind the teacher of the homework just to piss a specific person off.

Touch averse, only lets people she trusts touch her.

She's a closet weeb and uses her psychic abilities to make her glasses glow like an anime character

She has a sherlock based tumblr (or livejournal or whatever you want them to use) and gets into ship discourse at 3 am. She also writes amateur death note yaoi. On paper. She gets so embarassed about it she burns it as soon as she's done.

She misses the time she spend with her sister and envies how much freedom she has from rebelling against her parents. She wishes she could do the same but also wishes they could go back to normal so Lizzie can have a seat at the dinner table again.

She can do glassblowing with her hands.

Lizzie

Same CWs as Norma, Cw for emotional abuse and manipulation.

She's closeted genderqueer and a lesbian, uses They/She pronouns. She and Norma are twins but Norma insists she's the older one.

She's just given up on her relationship with her parents. No matter what they do, she isn't going to go back to constant competition and stress. She doesn't want that anymore. The Natividad sisters give off "rich parents in a gated community" vibes but Lizzie abhors their entire lifestyle and spends like 90% of her time outside the house doing random shit

She's realized the privilege that comes with her position, and decided to hang out more in punk spaces and with kids considered "teen delinquents" or "the wrong crowd".

She prefers dumpsterdiving and thrifting over the stuff her parents buy her, stitching and crafting her own clothes is an act of rebellion because they constantly scold her for wearing "Rags".

Her parents finally gave up, deciding to go "Fine, you want to be stubborn? We'll just pretend you don't exist." They give her somewhere to live but otherwise don't acknowledge her existence in the family until she learns to behave. She created a second hangout spot in an abandoned building with her friends and she'd spend long hours there.

She'd rather be a high school slacker who hangs out with poorer punk kids who arent "in the right groups" and actually have a social life than fighting for the spot of "perfect precious angel child" for the rest of her life. No matter how many punishments they give her. She won't let anyone know, but the way her parents treat and talk about her really hurts.

She has undying hatred for hostile architecture and drags Norma along to melt the spikes.

She fake smokes. Using candy cigarettes and using her powers to make smoke because it makes her look cool but she doesn't want lung cancer.

Very into Christmas but more into the gift making and pagan traditions.

She reads vampire romance novels for flirting tips (and also cuz they're her guilty pleasure). She also pretends to be a vampire sometimes.

She enjoys going cryptid hunting and scouring local forums for information.

Hates wearing fancy dresses. Ripped up skirts and suits ONLY.

Introduced Norma to anime, favorite is Akira and fave manga is Battle Angel Alita.

#psychonauts #psychonauts 2 #headcanons #long post #cw emotional abuse #cw neglect #razputin aquato #morris martinez #gisu nerumen #adam joseph gette #sam boole #norma natividad #lizzie natividad #lots of thoughts im dumping out

[agent-calivide]

Seraphina Enya "Phoenix" Ardeat full backstory

Content Warnings for: Mental and Emotional Abuse,Child Neglect, Alcoholism, Drug use, Eating Disorder, Car accidents, mental health struggles, inferiority complex, and feelings of expendability.

This story is not a happy one, you do not need my Phoenix's full backstory to appreciate her as a character, nor to follow the premise of any of my fanfics. This is just a little bit of bonus content for those curious, but if any of the above are triggering:

Do not feel like you have to read what's below to follow my fanfics or any of my other IEYTD work.

The information explains my Phoenix's mannerisms, but lacking the context does not make any of my other works unreadable.

So, it occurred to me recently that, while I talk and write a lot about my Phoenix, I've never sat down and given y'all her backstory about how she got to the EOD, especially seeing how she's rather young (something that becomes much more obvious in Glaring Gears once I actually start editing it)

Seraphina Enya Ardeat was born to Caine and Mary Ardeat, and they were the spitting image of a 1950's family... With an emotionally abusive father and a mother who was clocked out of life with a mixture of red wine and opioids.

Because of her mother's physical presence but otherwise complete absence in every other way, Seraphina was pushed to take up the mantle of homemaker very, very early in life. Growing up, she was expected to cook and clean for her father while also balancing schoolwork, leading to shaky grades and sub-par results at home. This was not good enough, which lead to many, many nights of Seraphina sobbing while her father berated her and her mother simply watched.

As the years went by, the treatment only grew worse, with her father speaking terrible things to her through middleschool and into highschool, making her feel like she couldn't do anything right.

"Not smart enough to go to college and not pretty enough to be a trophy wife" was a go-to insult that clung to her skin and carved itself into her mind. Especially as she grew a love for technology, loving flashing screens and spinning dials and the magic of radio waves and magnetism and how electricity travels, but feeling like she was never going to be smart enough to properly follow it in any significant manner. This road block leads to her idolization of Zoraxis tech and Dr Roxanna Prism, even if she'd never switch sides for it.

Of course, the other comment ate at her just as much, Seraphina starting to calorie count and manage her waist far too young to be worrying about such things. She's shorter than average because she stunted her growth greatly by not feeding herself properly in her youth. Handler started giving food after missions because she neglected herself so greatly in the early days of missions she'd usually be on the verge of passing out after most of them. She shrugs it off as exhaustion, but M knows what it is.

As Seraphina grew tired and burnt out, she desperately tried to find a way out, ending up finding herself at the bottom of one of her mother's wine bottles and being given the liquid courage to try and drive away in the middle of the night. The combination lead to a massive car wreck that, while it didn't kill her, did leave her rather bloodied and in a lot more trouble with her father.

She couldn't save up money from an actual job, but she pinched pennies wherever she could from dollar bills left lying around, stashing coins, and taking odd jobs like helping clean up other people's homes and other under the counter gigs all through highschool, and the second she graduated she was gone.

Took all of her life savings, sunk it into the only jalopy she could afford, grabbed a few sets of clothes and vanished. She drove for days on end until she was sure she was far enough away nobody would find her and spent all of her time filling out job request forms. She slept in her car and cleaned up in public bathrooms, it wasn't pleasant and at times she'd wondered if she made the right decision.

But, after ages of radio silence, someone finally reached out, the EOD.

While the EOD prided themselves on being a highly specialized division, they also were... incredibly desperate. Agents were dying at astronomical rates thanks to an up and coming enemy known as Dr Zor, and even their most professional of agents were dropping like flies. They needed hands, and fast. Even if they were simply canon-fodder placeholders while they learned this new foe's tendencies. Sure, they knew about combination locks, plastic explosives, how to unwire and rewire bombs, but this odd puzzle aspect was throwing them for a loop. They were desperate for someone, anyone to join their forces.

Desperate enough that when they got an application from a girl with no past, no place of residence, no paper trail, and nothing to be tracked, they simply counted their lucky stars that they finally found someone who wasn't gonna wake up to a poison powder in their air vents or a bomb in their mailbox.

Seraphina was put into training on an accelerated course that had her skip the position as cadet, and most positions frankly, and she quickly became the agent the EOD knows and loves today.

But, unfortunately, she has yet to get help for all of the trauma she underwent while growing up. Hell, she has yet to admit that there even was trauma there an that she wasn't just a deeply fucked up individual as a person and not as a result of her family.

She feels like she has to push through sickness, injury, exhaustion. She has to keep busting her ass and being her best, the best, or else she'll be discarded and left to fend for herself all over again. And the EOD has only exacerbated this issue with their revolving door of agents that they quickly replaced and nonchalant behavior to agent deaths.

Sure, it was because the others were failing missions in the "setting off a death trap to the face" way, but she could never chase the nagging feeling that if she, as an agent, didn't succeed every mission flawlessly with no evidence she was there and all of the intel, the day saved, what have you she'd be fired for failing. This has lead to extreme cases of self negligence and overworking often, but she hides it with a snarky, sassy attitude and a fake smile.

She's the best of the best and she has to stay that way... lest her family be proven right.

#cw mental abuse #cw emotional abuse #cw child neglect #cw alcoholism #cw drug use #cw eating disorder #cw car accident #cw mental health #cw inferiority complex #cw mental illness #i expect you to die #ieytd #ieytd fandom #agent phoenix #Phoenix backstory

[enbygirlblogging]

do you ever experience a wild moment of sudden empathy for everyone in the world. like yeah i knew a guy who bullied people a lot, and who i really used to hate, but then i found out he got beaten by his stepdad and watched his sister die a horrible and graphic death first-hand, and suddenly the hate didn't come so easy. yeah i knew a girl who abused me for the better half of my life, but looking back, she also definitely had no one in the world who loved her, including her own family. my issues with her are a lot more personal, but i just don't have it in me to really loathe her the way i once did. i've never had a good relationship with my father, but he never had a parent worth looking up to. and i'm not saying any of that trauma excuses being a horrible human being, and i'm not saying you have to forgive everyone who ever wronged you, or even really that you should.

but i guess i'm saying maybe i forgive the people who wronged me.

#dear diary #diary #diary entry #digital diary #girlblogging #coquette girl #female insanity #femcore #gaslight gatekeep girlblog #gaslight gatekeep girlboss #tw abuse mention #tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw child death #tw childhood trauma #tw family issues #tw child neglect #tw child loss #tw child harm #tw child abandonment #tw physical abuse #tw physical violence #tw physical harm #tw emotional abuse #tw psychological abuse #tw bullying #cw bullying

[creativenicocorner]

I never asked for everything, I begged a lone demand And still guilt stained that single wish for one who’d hold my hand 🎵

Hmm, do you think Reigen would survive an encounter with The Lonely? 

#Why yes I am still thinking about Music of The Fears #as well as having thoughts about The Magnus Archives and Reigen Arataka #thank you for asking dflkgj #Serirei #Serizawa Katsuya #Reigen Arataka #Nico Draws #I'm not over the moon happy with how these doodles turned out - but they're kind of okay for midnight #A part of me thinks...if Reigen never met Mob he would Absolutely have succumbed to The Lonely - hell he probably would have even during the #seperation arc. Post seperation arc / towards the end of the manga I think that would be a different story #If I would ever write a fic about it...I would probably set it up that he would absolutely succumb...briefly almost lost forever...and then #WHAM the power of love and friendship and people need people etc etc god I'm getting emotional just thinking about it #I should probably go to sleep #I don't think my rambling is making sense hahaha #CW: Autophobia Depression Emotional trauma Isolation Neglect

[forget-the-feeling]

As a child, I looked to her for protection because no adult in my life would protect me

I looked to her for the warmth I never received from my mother, pride I never received from my father and reason I never received from any adult around me

I never found it

#traumacore #ventcore #childhood trauma #religious trauma #parental trauma #cw emotional neglect

[samijami]

Whenever one bruise fades, my mum throws her phone at me very hard and bruises it right back a-fucking-gain on the same spot

I love life

#tw abuse #tw implied abuse #tw child abuse #tw child harm #tw childhood trauma #abuse mention #parental abuse #verbal abuse #emotional abuse #tw emotional abuse #abuse cw #fuck parents #neglectful parents #insane parents #fuck my parents #abusiveness #physical abuse #tw harm

[pain-is-my-game]

One of the worst realizations that I have ever made is realizing that all I ever wanted was to be loved by my parents. I never would've turned out like this if they just loved me unconditionally.

#i will never care if you reblog #vent #tw vent #cw vent #eldest daughter syndrome #eldest daughter #parentified child #parentification #toxic mom #cw toxic relationship #toxic parents #toxic mothers #toxic mother #toxic family #toxic father #toxic relationship #childhood neglect #childhood trauma #childhood emotional neglect #emotional trauma #trauma coping #trauma #wanting to be loved #i wanna be loved #sad thoughts #eldest sibling syndrome #eldest sibling #eldest sister #toxic thoughts #thoughts to throw into the void

[amyintherapy]

Embodying Feelings & Disassociation

Trigger warning: There will be brief mention of self harm and sexual abuse in this post.

I started therapy for the first time at the end of 8th grade. I was 13. I got pretty lucky and was a good match with my first therapist. Still, it took me a while to start to really open up to him about the hard stuff. I want to say that it was probably at least six months before I told him about my sexual abuse. I don't know when I told him about my experiences with disassociation, but I remember it being extremely hard to tell him, similar to the SA info. At the time, I had heard of PTSD, but I knew of it as something soldiers get from witnessing war. I knew it could make veterans react to fireworks as if they were bombs, but that was about all I knew about it, from what I recall. I had no idea what else could 'cause' it - if anything, or what the symptoms really were. I had never heard of disassociation.

So, when I'd get really triggered and felt like I was watching myself from up in the clouds...I thought this was something similar to a delusion or hallucination. I worried it might be something like schizophrenia that I was experiencing. As a result, it was a super scary thing to share. But I did, and he explained what disassociation was. When I was later referred out for diagnosis and meds, I was diagnosed with PTSD with features of depersonalization and derealization. I think I was 14 then.

So, I've been familiar with disassociation for a long time now. I don't know exactly when, but somewhere along the way I learned that it wasn't just when I felt like I was watching myself (which has always been a fairly rare occurrence for me), but also when I felt numb and disconnected from myself, which I experience more often. I started self-harming really young, and cutting in middle school and throughout most of high school. I don't remember when I realized that cutting was something that could take me out of disassociation. I think it was before I really knew what disassociation was, I just knew it helped me to sort of come out of the "frozen depression" type feeling. After a few years of therapy as a teen I was able to stop cutting. My mental health was in a better place, I had gained some coping skills, I hated myself less, etc. But I'd still disassociate at times, and I didn't know how to get rid of it other than to wait it out. So that's what I've done for years now when I've experienced it. And that's been okay, but I'd rather be able to "snap out of it" if I could. So, a recent experience that I had feels like a big deal.

For 2 or 3 weeks I was stuck in disassociation. My mind kept circling back to stuff related to identifying as being emotionally neglected. So I knew that was the cause somehow. Yet, I wasn't really feeling much. I was kind of numb emotionally and physically, while my mind felt extra hyperactive. I was making a lot of realizations in my head, but they didn't feel true, at the same time. I think most people have experiences like this. Examples might be...logically I know if I make a mistake, that is just me being human and is not a good reason for anyone to hate me. Yet when I make a mistake that impacts someone I care about, I still can't help but FEEL like they might hate me now, even though logically I know that isn't likely. Or, logically I know that the odds that a sound I just heard outside at midnight were likely a racoon or something...but I can't help but feel worried that it's a "bad guy". I have plenty of discrepancies between my logical and emotional brains that I've just kinda learned to live with for the most part. But over this few week period, I was changing my perspective of my childhood logically, but not emotionally, and that disconnect was new for me in this specific area. I felt sort of stuck, unable to continue processing these pieces of my childhood because my brain and my emotions/feelings were so far apart. Both of my therapists do some somatic work, but our couples counselor (who we basically see for 'regular' therapy that we just do together vs stereotypical couples counseling) does a lot more with us that is somatic. Nearly every session we have with our couples therapist he'll try to help us embody our feelings about something. I find it awkward, emotionally draining and sometimes embarassing - but it also feels quite powerful. He's also really into AEDP therapy, which is a type of therapy that talks about disassociation/numbing, etc as a defense from feeling a core feeling. For those reasons, I thought that speaking with our couples therapist about this might be a better fit than my 'main' therapist who I see weekly and therefore just have a deeper relationship with. During the appointment I explained my dissociation, sense of being kinda stuck or frozen, and how I knew it was related to processing being emotionally neglected, but how when I talk about it I wasn't feeling any feelings. It was all 'in my head' and not 'in my heart'. There was this big disconnect. He agreed with my assessment that I had unresolved/unfelt feelings. I don't remember exactly how we got there, but he asked me some questions that led to me sharing a specific phrase that I remember being said to me as a kid. "What the hell were you thinking?" It was phrased as a question rather than a statement, but I wasn't expected to actually answer the question. At times, I thought I had good reason for doing whatever I did, and I would have liked to explain, as it felt like they were assuming the worst possible intentions, which weren't my actual attentions at all. But I felt like I couldn't respond as it would just upset them more. Even though it was a question, responding would be taken as 'talking back'. He took the implied answer, and asked me what my first thought would be today if someone told me "you're stupid."

Honestly? My knee-jerk response is "....yeah."

Having to admit that out loud brought the emotions. Tightness in my chest, burning behind both ears, anxiety, a little anger, and some sadness. A few tears. The therapist told me to try to relax my body and let it out. I tried, but only managed a couple more tears. He had me turn to my partner and try to express to him what it felt like as a kid to have things like that said to me. This brought emotion up again. It's so hard to even look at him when I'm on the edge of spilling over with my emotions. He is such a safe person to me, that just seeing him tears down all my defenses. Although the whole point of this appointment was to try to drag out emotion...the parts of me that try to avoid it are so strong. I struggled to look at him, and it took me a while to find words to try to explain. But I did...and I collapsed into his chest and really cried. It didn't feel good, of course. But I felt so much lighter after this, and I had this sense of unthawing and waking up. I had never experienced disassociation being removed that quickly in any way besides self harm before. It was really cool.

Longterm, I want to learn how to push myself through 'exercises' like this so that I can try to do this on my own. But it was really cool to see that even if I currently need assistance from a therapist to get myself to 'go there' right now, that I seem to have found a tool to move through disassociation now. I am back to feeling like myself which is awesome, but I also have made big jumps in how I'm perceiving my childhood now. The idea that I was neglected doesn't just seem like something I logically believe, I FEEL like it's true now. And I've jumped a step farther ahead, realizing I was actually emotionally abused as well - and that feels true, too. As I said in a previous post, I kinda knew that I tend to make big growth after coming out of disassociation, so I was hopeful I'd be seeing growth soon...but it's really cool that I have.

#my posts #trauma #aedp #aedp therapy #somatic therapy #somatic experiencing #ptsd #cptsd #developmental trauma #childhood emotional neglect #childhood emotional abuse #anxiety #depression #disassociation #self harm cw #cutting cw

[slightlyreanimatedchaos]

Wait I think I cracked the mystery!

The reason I get so upset when my parents interrupt me but I actually encourage my friends to interrupt me has nothing to do with interrupting my train of thought. If my friends are excited or feel like they need to say something, I will listen so intently. And the reason for this is bc 1) I know they actually listen to me and care about what I have to say or how I feel and 2) I know that if I felt it was important to finish that when they’re done, they are usually happy to help me find my previous thought so I can finish it. Even if it takes an extra minute for me to find it! And I’d do the same for them.

My parents actually dont usually care about what I was saying, especially if it is repetitive (which when things stress me out or when it comes to special interests, I get repetitive and that’s okay!!).

#adhd #actually adhd #actually autistic #autistic #minor cw emotional neglect

[heqrts4chuuya]

Random post about the Asahina family (PJSK)

I haven't really posted about project sekai here before but I'm going to now.

Anyways this is mostly about Mafuyu's parents and recent events (everything after the event that came with Zamuza) so spoiler alert!!

Also please look at the trigger warnings before reading (in tags)

I've seen a lot of people saying that he's so nice and a wonderful father and basically acting like he didn't at all participate in the situation that led to Mafuyu's deteriorating mental state but if you really think about it, while he might not have played an active role like Mafumom doesn't the fact the he was so absent that he wasn't even aware of the situation make him a part of the problem as well?

I don't think he's an awful person or anything but I do think he's a bad father. Sure he was away because of work but as her father he still had a responsibility to be there for her. And he wasn't he was emotionally negligent and overall very absent.

I do think that it's good he's trying to make a change now and genuinely wants what's best for Mafuyu but I do think that it's important to remember that he is also guilty for letting things get this bad.

Anyways overall I do find the Asahina family very interesting just because of how realistic and well-written they all are.

Mafumom is also very interesting to me. She tells herself that Mafuyu she does is for her and because she loves her and only wants what's best for her and I think she really does believe that as well to an extent. I think that she's convinced herself that everything she does is beneficial to Mafuyu a "I ignored your tears because I knew that you'd thank me one day" type of mindset. She genuinely believes that her way of loving Mafuyu is the "proper" way of loving. Except it isn't cause if a mother's love is supposed to be unconditional her love was conditional. She loved her version of her daughter more than Mafuyu herself, she loved the idea of her daughter as an extension of herself almost but not Mafuyu as her own person. I think that mindset is why it was so easy for her to emotionally manipulate Mafuyu. It also might be why it took her so long to show any form of remorse. Cause now that she's realised that she's not just losing her "perfect daughter" but any chance she had of having a daughter in general, she's starting to show regret. Not guilt, but regret.

Disclaimer I'm not an expert on anything nor do I claim to be one I just had thoughts!

Anyways thx if you read my long nonsensical ramblings <3

Hope this made sense

#project sekai #pjsk #mafuyu asahina #tw neglect #cw neglect #im not good at tagging triggers #i just wanted to be safe #if I missed anything please let me know #sometimes i have thoughts #tw manipulation #tw emotional manipulation #ramblings

[definitionsfading]

I’ve been listening to some video content about c-ptsd recently and it’s making me realize why I actually liked undergoing medical procedures as a child and teenager. when I was in the hospital undergoing my thyroidectomy surgery or getting radiation therapy to treat the thyroid cancer, it was one of the only times in my adolescent life where my parents were [affectionately] attentive and I could exist without criticism or scorn. because they felt worried and guilty about me being “sick” and doted on me more than they ever had at any other point. to this day I still have a warm fondness for the smell of hospital soap because of the positive association; absolutely fucking bonkers shit

#so much more is making sense #especially with my rejection sensitivity issues and my emotional dysregulation #like when my dad calls me and fucks with me I am legitimately incapacitated for at least 48 hours afterward #I know my triggers more now and am self aware enough to know when I'm in a fucking death spiral #but I still have a hard time coming out of these episodes at age 30 #they make me feel self destructive and like I'm worthless and unlovable #it's so complex and fucked up lmao! EMOTIONAL NEGLECT AIN'T NO JOKE #trauma cw

[psi-spectacular]

THE INTERNS, RANKED BY HOW GOOD THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR PARENTS ARE (Based on my hcs)

CW for mentioned emotional abuse and neglect

Morris - Despite being an orphan, has the best relationship out of everyone with his adoptive parents. He has two moms and they're butch lesbian rockabilly peruvians. Nuff said.

Gisu - Fatherless behavior. She's being raised by her mom and grandparents who pretty much let her do whatever she wants out of some unspecified guilt they never seem to want to talk to her about. But they're chill enough and she really can't complain, though sometimes she feels like they're avoiding her on purpose..

Adam - Suprisingly? Not the worst out of the interns. Still not good. I've said this before, He's got a lot of siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, ect, ect. Big extended family, Mostly on the very successful and gifted side. And he's... neither of those. His biggest achievements are being Truman's intern and that time he reached the quarterfinals of the county debate tournament. He's surrounded by ivy bound prodigies and musical geniuses and he's just... some history buff. He fades into the background noise, and feels like he's failing his parents. His father in specific.

Sam - It started out fine, but then Dogen accidentally blew up a bullies head. Then she was left alone for hours at a time when they were going to hospitals and lawyers and wherever else. She spent most of her days in the companionship of animals, almost always got up whenever Dogen was hungry or sick or had a nightmare, just to feed him and make sure he was okay. They basically treated her like a third adult when she was like 10, venting to her and letting her do most of the chores in the house when they were away, and they never really left her with a babysitter because she's "so mature for her age". It's left her with a very dysfunctional view of relationships and uses the animals as a way to feel like she has some control over her life and that she isn't a servant, she can lead too.

Norma - Her and lizzie's mom is preeetty sucky and pretty much parades her around as a way to say "Look! I'm not a transphobe! I let my trans daughter wear dresses!" Despite being pretty transphobic in secret and how she passes laws. Her mom sees most things as an exchange, and her and Lizzie always used to fight for her love through academics, But Lizzie's pretty much given up on trying to appease her, so despite her powers being seen as "less rare", she's the preferred child now. Though, in the back of her head, she desperately wishes she had her sister's freedom. Should I add the two of them had a catholic upbringing? Big amount of guilt on her end but at the same time a sense of superiority and entitlement. Raz makes her feel threatened in her status as "#1 student" and she's very aggressive about it.

Lizzie - She's just given up on her relationship with her parents. No matter what they do, she isn't going to go back to constant competition and stress. She'd rather be a high school slacker who hangs out with "the wrong crowd" (poorer punk kids who prefer to dumpsterdive than buy their clothes) and actually have a social life than fighting for the spot of "perfect precious angel child" for the rest of her life. No matter how many punishments they give her or how much they scold her for wearing "rags". But it stil hurts that they've stopped setting a plate on the table for her because "you're never home anyways."

#psychonauts #headcanons #cw emotional abuse #cw neglect #psychonauts 2 #morris martinez #gisu nerumen #adam joseph gette #sam boole #norma natividad #lizzie natividad