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cheerycherrycandy-resurrected · 3 months

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Cling to the Light

The greatly delayed acespec ghouls fic I've been teasing for like 3 months, I'd say Enjoy but this became like 80% angst so nothing new then

Mountain and Zephyr had always known they were different from the other ghouls in the Pit so when they found each other, they clung on tight. Mountain's struggles when Zephyr is banished back to the pit, and with the new feelings he is experiencing for his pack.

Rating: M to be safe, vague allusions to sex but nothing explicit or nswf Content: grey-ace/demi mountain, asexual zephyr, dysphoria/self doubt, heats/ruts, they/them zephyr, discussion of sexual repulsion and associated dysphoria, ghouls in the Pit having unhealthy relationships with sex, character sent back to pits, Angst, hurt/comfort Words: 4782

Read below or on AO3!

Mountain and Zephyr had each always known there was something different about them. Growing up in the Pit, they had been anomalies, leading solitary lives, struggling to find connection with other ghouls. In a landscape where battles were fought, allegiances won, and futures decided with sex, they had both felt that the world they had been created in wasn’t for them. When they had seen the opportunity to claw their way topside, it had been an escape to a different life, a reset.

Life on the surface was better, granted. Here they had a purpose and safety, but more importantly they had met each other. Zephyr; slight, fragile, and shy Air ghoul that they were had initially been frightened of the solemn and hulking Earth ghoul. But they had soon come to realise quite how much they had in common with each other after many evenings of retiring to bed early once activities between the other new ghouls had begun getting heated.

Ghouls naturally seek comfort and warmth in each other, and as Mountain and Zephyr became closer, they appeared to Dewdrop, Ifrit and Aether to be developing their own relationship. Monogamous ghouls weren’t unheard of in the Pit, they were certainly a lot more common than solitary ghouls. But whatever relationship the others thought was developing behind closed doors, the reality was far tamer, and yet just as exciting for the pair.

For Mountain and Zephyr, sitting together in the den then going their separate ways each evening had slowly morphed into them staying up late reading together in the comfortable silence of Zephyr’s room, and later Mountain spending the night. In truth, it had taken a long time for either of them to feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed, let alone cuddle together as they now did each night.

Zephyr was entirely repulsed by most sexual activity. They always had been, and yet the physiology of their ghoulish body still put them through the inescapable agony of heats. These times were the worst, as in addition to the physical pain they felt a strong sense of dysphoria coupled with the lingering terror from the Pits of their scent being detected and them being hunted as a conquest.

Mountain was the only ghoul they would allow to help them through it, because he understood in a way the rest of the pack could not relate to as much as they tried. For the others, heats were still painful if ignored, but were free of the emotional pain that accompanied Zephyr’s. Mountain understood, and sought to make sure Zeph always knew that no matter how their body and mind may be betraying them by behaving differently to normal, their feelings were still valid and nothing they did during these times would change anything between them. He brought them tea to try and calm their fraught nerves, and to supress the urges of the heat they hated so much.

For Mountain, he wasn’t actively repulsed by sex in the same was Zephyr was, more just apathetic. Helping Zephyr through their heats the same way a healer would assist someone through a sickness in the infirmary. Together they had figured out what Zeph felt most comfortable with, striking a balance of what their body and mind could handle.

After Mountain’s first rut topside, he would no longer let Zeph be involved. They had offered to help him through it, but even through the haze of hormones he could tell how uncomfortable it was making them, and he had fled to his bathroom to take refuge. After a few more hours of misery, he had sheepishly emerged to ask Aether for help. Now, he knows that any of his other packmates would be more than willing to help him out, and let him direct what he needs and can tolerate.

As Mountain and Zephyr’s own connection had grown, they had eventually both become more comfortable with the other ghouls in their pack. One night after a movie in the lounge, Dewdrop, in his characteristically to-the-point manner, had asked them outright why neither had ever been interested in a physical relationship with their other packmates. After explaining their own feelings as best they could, the pack had embraced this knowledge with open arms and grown even closer as a result.

Things had been a little awkward for them as a newly summoned pack from the Pit: Dew, Aether and Ifrit had never interacted with ghouls who weren’t all over each other all the time, but they had soon come to understand each other. In the Pit, both Mountain and Zephyr had felt like anomalies, but their new pack had worked hard to rectify that feeling. After a while, the three guitarists were able to playfully tease them when they would retire to bed early to drink tea and read together. They would frequently refer to them as the pack’s old married couple, safe in the knowledge that Mountain and Zephyr knew it came only from a place of love.

A year of touring the world had also helped the pack to bond. Many a post-ritual night on the bus had ended in a pile of sleepy ghouls cuddled together in the back of the bus, all too tired to fight over bunks.

Since returning, Mountain had occasionally found himself wanting to sleep with his packmates outside of his ruts. The first time he had these feelings, he had been confused. What did it mean for his special platonic bond with Zephyr?

Zeph had, of course, been wholly supportive. They would do anything to support the pack who had given them everything they could never have dreamed of having in the pit. Even if they would never feel the same way about their packmates that they felt for each other, they found other ways to show them how much they were loved.

After many moons with his pack, Mountain had reached a point where he felt comfortable initiating sex with Ifrit, Aether or Dew, and they with him. He knew that this was how they shared their love for each other, and he was overjoyed to be finally comfortable enough in his own skin around them to be able to show them how much he loved them, in their language. Mountain sometimes still felt put on the spot midway through these encounters, but his pack had become strongly attuned to his tells for when he was uncomfortable and wanted to stop, and when he genuinely wanted to continue but wasn’t taking his own pleasure from it. In these circumstances, Mountain had emphatically explained, he just wanted to make them feel good without the pressure on himself to finish.

He had described it once to Ifrit as “like brushing your teeth or something”, in an attempt to describe it as something neither overtly positive or negative, and Ifrit had almost fallen over laughing. Mountain knew better than to be offended, even when the next day Ifrit had winked at him across the dinner table and asked if he wanted to brush his teeth after eating.

The others tried to understand as best they could, even if they didn't fully get it. The same went for Zephyr. Nowadays, they knew that Mountain was never offended to be asked, and likewise they knew to never be offended to be turned down and offered an alternative pack bonding activity.

The five packmates had found so many other ways to show their love besides intimacy, sharing interests, sweet words, even just existing in proximity to each other. Zeph had introduced everyone to ceramic painting one cold winter's afternoon when they were craving closeness from their pack. Mountain had painted a vase with flowers representing all his pack, and it was unironically Aether's favourite thing in the whole world.

The pack's close bond had been shattered when Zephyr and Ifrit were sent back to the Pit. Zephyr had been deemed too old, not befitting of the Clergy's desired image of young and active ghouls. Ifrit had ruffled too many feathers, and been removed for being too outspoken in the days after Terzo was ripped offstage. The three remaining ghouls had spent their next few days glued to each others sides, their evenings spent huddled together in the den, terrified of another knock at the door and a summons for one of them.

On yet another evening like this, Mountain has his head tucked into the space between Aether’s shoulder and neck, his legs resting across Aether’s with Dew curled up tightly in both their laps, finally sleeping. Overwhelmed by fear, sadness and a desire to be as close to what was left of his pack as possible, he had pressed his lips to Aeth’s collar bone. He had needed to feel the connection to his pack, as the pain of bonds cut loose ate away at him inside and left a hollow, empty feeling. Aether had frozen, the gentle hand rubbing soothing circles into Mountain’s back pausing in its movement.

“Hey, Sapling, we don’t have to do anything, you know we love you without any of that.”

“No, I want to.” Mountain shook his head vehemently, and entwined his tail with Aether’s like a boa constrictor. “Need to feel you. Need to know you’re still here.”

Aether turned his head to place a gentle kiss to Mountain’s forehead, humming softly. As he pulled back, Mountain tilted his head up to meet swirling violet eyes. Aether’s love and loss for his pack seemed to be radiating from them behind a film of unshed tears matching Mountain’s own, sucking Mountain into their depths as though to hold him next to his very psyche. In this moment, Mountain couldn’t ever recall feeling such a strong physical pull to his packmates before and slowly leaned in towards Aether, letting him surround all his senses.

Time seemed to slow, as Mountain pressed his rough lips to Aether’s own chapped and bitten ones. It wasn’t like the many romance novels he’d read; there were no sparks. Instead, Mountain felt something far stronger and deeper, a connection more than mere physical contact. In that moment, it felt as though their souls were intertwining, twisting together as their tails did beside them. He felt the tears in his eyes finally spill over and run down his cheeks, but the hot bitterness from before was replaced with a host of new emotions he struggled to name, all condensing to one he was familiar with though: love.

As Mountain moved to deepen the kiss, he let out a breathy noise that he almost couldn’t believe came from him. He could sense Aether’s hesitation, so he pulled back to catch his eyes once more, matching tear-tracks staining his lavender-tinted cheeks.

“I love you, my Moonlight.”

“Oh Sapling…” Aether seemed just as affected as he was, pulling the arm around Mountain tighter, trying not to jostle the sleeping ghoul in their laps. This time, Aether leaned in first, moving at a glacial pace. Mountain closed his eyes, and let himself drown in the sea of emotions once more.

The pair continued to kiss as though the world around them was ending, which wasn’t too far from the truth, until Dewdrop slowly woke from his fitful sleep and smiled to himself at his packmates. He let out a sleepy chirp, and nuzzled his head deep into the warm bodies of his packmates. Mountain broke the kiss to smile down at him and move his arm to pull him securely against his body. Pressed against Aether, with Dewdrop’s comforting weight in his lap, Mountain felt more peaceful than he had since the last Ritual.

Mountain ran the tips of his fingers up Dew’s spine, counting every vertebrae as though to check he was all still there. He tangled his hand in the hair at the nape of Dewdrop’s neck and gently scratched glamoured claws along his scalp the way he knew Dew liked. The little ghoul started up a low purr in response, which must’ve been contagious as Mountain and Aether soon also began to purr in sync. Before long, the evening turned into night and the fire burned low in the hearth, but none of the three ghouls seemed to notice as they fell asleep in a pile of sleepy kisses, soft touches and sweet words.

This was just the first of many nights the trio of ghouls spent curled into each other in front of the fire or in one of their nests, the constant need to touch and know the others were there becoming more desperate over time. Mountain didn’t fully understand where this newfound desire had come from. It felt to him as though his close bond with his packmates was overflowing, that he had to let it out or it would burn him up inside.

After a few weeks, it had become clear that no one else was at imminent risk of being returned to the pit. One of the more respected Cardinals, who had long shown interest in the activities of the Ghost project, had taken over as figurehead and he appeared to have ambitious plans. Aether, Mountain and Dewdrop had already had a few rehearsals with him, trying out new songs, so it seemed their positions were safe for now.

Cardinal Copia had big plans, bigger than Terzo, even. He had announced his intentions early on to introduce live backing vocals, multiple sets of keyboards, and to hold even larger Rituals. Mountain had been sceptical, there had never been this many ghouls in the project, and what did this mean for a pack dynamic? Aether and Dew had been more keen, although Mountain suspected this was in part due to Dew’s switch to lead guitar – he was half fire ghoul after all – and the Cardinal encouraging their playful bickering, suggesting they bring their regular antics to live performances, too.

In the end, it turned out Copia was equally worried that too many new ghouls would fail to integrate into the pack if summoned simultaneously. It would seem that he had had many conversations with the previous Papas about ghoul pack dynamics, and he was keen to ensure his ghouls were as happy topside as they could be. He had even made a point of apologising for the Clergy’s actions regarding Ifrit and Zephyr, and he had seemed sincere. Plans were therefore made to stagger the summoning of new ghouls.

First, a new water ghoul was summoned. They had all agreed that a new bass player was their priority for rehearsals. The night of the next full moon, with torrential rain pounding against the windows of the Abbey, they had gathered in the summoning chambers. Cardinal Copia had spoken the required spells and incantations and a slender, cobalt-skinned water ghoul had clawed their way out of the pits. Even hunched naked on the floor, his eyes darting around in suspicion and sharp fangs bared, the ghoul had exuded a lissom gracefulness.

He was beautiful, Mountain had to admit. This was apparent to all of them, but none more so that to Dewdrop. He had immediately been fascinated by the pretty new water ghoul, the pair spending hours together down at the lake each day. A week into being topside, he was well on his way to integrating into the little pack, bonding with Aether and Mountain too. Mountain had invited him to the greenhouse one afternoon and, beneath his initially prickly exterior, the water ghoul seemed to be a sweet and somewhat shy ghoul. Mountain could however attest to overhearing much evidence to the contrary from Dewdrop’s room late at night.

Seeing how quickly and closely the two had bonded had sparked something within Mountain that felt partly like jealousy, partly still grief from losing Zephyr and Ifrit, but also something like… guilt? He understood for the first time just how much Dewdrop and Aether had lost, losing Ifrit. Mountain found himself feeling conflicted every whenever he spent time with Rain, and pulling away from physical contact with Dew and Aether again.

It didn’t take long for Aether to notice something was up, his quintessence deeply attuned to the emotions of his packmates. One evening, when Mountain had excused himself immediately after dinner, Aether had hunted him down to Zephyr’s old room to find out exactly what was bothering him.

“Mount? Can I come in?” Aether knocked gently. He was met with a non-committal grunt, so let himself in. He found Mountain curled up in one of Zeph’s old hoodies, knees tucked up inside it.

“Oh Sweetheart…” he moved to the bed to scoop Mountain into his arms. “It’s ok to still miss them, you know.”

Mountain nodded silently, letting Aether rock him gently from side to side. After a few minutes of silence, he finally spoke,

“Was it even real?”

“Was what real, Sapling?”

“Everything! With Zeph… I never had the kind of relationship with them that I do now with you and Dew, but you did with Ifrit. I miss Zeph so much every day that it feels like I’m drowning, but how can I even understand how much more you and Dew must miss Ifrit when you had a real relationship with him?”

“Mountain, listen to me.” Aether tried his best to keep his voice even, even as Mountain’s words made his heart break for the ghoul.

“What you had was real, as real as any relationship I’ve ever seen. You and Zeph were two halves of a whole, you had a deeper relationship than any I could ever hope to understand. Whatever relationship you have now with me and Dew doesn’t devalue what you had with Zeph in any way. It’s different but it’s not any more special.”

Mountain sniffed, burying his face tighter into Aether’s side,

“I miss them so much, Aeth.”

“I know, Sapling.”

The pair stayed curled around each other until Mount was all cried out, and fell asleep the same way.

Next on Copia’s list of summons had been a new air ghoul. This was the summoning they were the most worried about – unlike Rain this ghoul would be a direct replacement of one of the original pack. They had discussed summoning an air ghoul last, however the ritual to summon a multi-element ghoul was by far the most complex and took the longest to prepare, so it had made more sense to summon them last instead.

The first surprise of the summoning was the appearance of a ghoulette. Only once before had the Ghost project had a ghoulette amongst their ranks: they were notoriously resistant to being summoned against their will. The second surprise had been the second ghoulette clinging to the first, a veritable stowaway. It was quickly revealed that the ghoulettes were Mates in the pit and, having heard of the topside activities of the Ministry, had made it their goal to be summoned.

Aether had initially taken the lead on welcoming the ghoulettes, sensing Mountain’s hesitation. It was impossible to ignore the similarities between the new ghoulettes and Zephyr, from their icy blonde hair to the graceful way they held themselves. However, it had soon become apparent that while they were visually similar, the ghoulettes were both very different from Zephyr and each other in personality, and Mountain had made more of an effort to bond with them. This, along with the inherent independence of the ghoulettes and Rain’s fast bond with Dew had been a blessing for Aether, it didn’t take much to see just how tired he was from his self-imposed role in charge of integrating the new pack.

Cirrus, the taller of the two ghoulettes, was outwardly the most confident. She had broken through Mountain’s barriers almost immediately, dragging him out on walks to explore the grounds of the Abbey and asking a million questions about the nature around them. While reluctant at first, Mountain quickly recognized a kindred spirit in their respect for the topside world around them. He found her presence deeply calming, and Mountain grew to consider his afternoons incomplete without them sharing tea in his greenhouse, sometimes with Rain joining them as well.

Mountain had taken longer to bond with Cumulus. While she had appeared to be the shyer of the two at first, once she realised Copia wasn’t about to send her or Cirrus back to the pit she had opened up and become more confident. Mountain was a little intimidated by the short ghoulette: she spoke a million words a minute, and was filled with an enthusiasm for the mundane that Mountain often didn’t feel up to reciprocating. The benefit of this however was her ability to pull Aether out of his shell. Mountain had no idea how she had managed it, but Cumulus’ infectious optimism was able to relax the increasingly shy and withdrawn Aether in a way no other packmate had succeeded in. Mountain had first-hand caught her, and later also Cirrus, slinking into his room late at night to help with just that.

However as the weeks passed and the newly summoned ghouls bonded more and became closer with his original packmates, Mountain found himself feeling more alone once more. He missed Zephyr’s simple comfort more now than ever, and their quiet evenings together just existing in the same space. It hurt to see the others enjoying the same closeness he so deeply mourned. It was especially clear between Dewdrop and Rain where the two seemed to orbit around each other, each on their own path but guided by tremendous forces beyond their comprehension. This time when Mountain began to withdraw again, it was Dewdrop who sought him out.

Mountain was working in the Abbey gardens, when he heard light footsteps padding his way. Looking up, he saw blond hair blowing in the breeze and Dew picking his way through the maze of flowerbeds towards him, clutching a thermos and two mugs.

“Hey Sprout.” He plopped to the ground, cross-legged next to where Mountain knelt, looking at him with his head tilted expectantly. Mountain, sensing this was more than just a casual chat, put down his trowel and also folded his long limbs into a more comfortable position. He accepted the steaming mug from Dew, inhaling the comforting scent.

“Nice to see you out here Droplet, what’s up?”

“Why are you hiding from me and Aeth?” Dewdrop was blunt and to the point, as ever. Mountain sighed into his tea as Dew tilted his head to the side, questioning.

“I’m not avoiding you-” he started, going silent again at the cut the crap look on Dew’s face. “I’m not trying to avoid you?” he suggested instead.

“You don’t even join us all for dinner anymore! Aeth’s been really struggling, and he doesn’t need to worry about you too.”

Mountain hung his head. He knew Aether had been finding the changes difficult, but he thought he’d been feeling better, he didn’t think he had been adding to his stress.

“I’m so sorry Dewbug, I’ve been trying to protect you all from me being so down all the time, and I’ve just made things worse.”

“Oh Sprout, you know you can always talk to us right?” Dew crawled towards him on his knees to wrap him in a hug. “I know how much you miss Zephyr.” Mountain leant his head down on top of Dew’s, comforted by the heat radiating from the smaller ghoul.

“How do you do it, Dew? How have you let Rain in so quickly, when Zeph and Ifrit’s rooms still smell like them and their voices still echo through the den?”

“I don’t think I ever had a choice, Mount. It’s like I was pulled to Rain by a siren’s call, like the second I saw him there in the summoning circle this door opened in my heart to let him in. I never had to think about it, it was so easy.”

“As easy as breathing, right?” sighed Mountain, pulling his arms tighter around Dew, neither noticing or caring as the damp of the grass soaked through their jeans. “That was Zeph…”

“I miss Iffie every day, but it’s not like the hole he left in my heart has gone away or healed, more that it’s grown space for another.” Dew fiddled absently with one of the rings in his ear. “The more acute pain might be healing, but there will always be a hole.”

Mountain hummed in agreement, gently rocking the pair back and forth but careful not to spill the remainders of their cooling tea.

“I am happy for you, you know” Mountain ventured after a while. “You and Rain. It’s like your souls have linked already, you’re good for each other.”

“Like you and Zeph.” Dew looked up at Mountain with wide and sincere eyes, “I saw it. You were soulmates. No one’s expecting you to ever be okay about it.”

Mountain made another noncommittal noise of affirmation. “I’m am sorry for acting so jealous though, just because I miss what you have.”

Dew shrugged, “Don’t sweat it Mount, I’d have been far worse if our positions were flipped.” He chuckled drily, before silence stretched between them again.

Mountain drained the rest of his tea and refilled it from the thermos. “Tell me about Rain, Dew? Tell me how he makes you feel, why you love him?”

“Who said anything about love?” Dew’s cheeks gained a slight coral tint, which he shook his hair to disguise.

Mountain levelled him with a look, eliciting a small giggle from Dew before he began talking.

“Well…”

That evening, once the sun had set and Mountain and Dew had finally traipsed back inside to find dry clothes and warm food, Mountain had set out to locate Aether and forcibly extract him from whatever task he was overworking himself with. He had found him in Copia’s office, going over the paperwork for the summoning request for the final new ghoul. Mountain had nodded politely at the Cardinal, grabbed Aether by the hand, and silently pulled him from the room, his tail coming up to bat the pen from his hand.

Mountain led him back to the den, tugging him through the corridors, not letting go until they reached the door to Mountain’s room. He looked back at Aether, unspoken question clear in his eyes. Aether nodded, and Mountain held the door open for Aether to enter. Mountain moved to sit in the pile of furs of his nest, and beckoned Aether to join him. He pulled Aether into his chest, gently knocking their horns together and entwining their tails.

“What’s all this about, Grasshopper?” Aether was the first to break the silence.

“You work too hard Aeth, you need a break. I’m sorry I’ve been so checked out, I promise I’ll be here for you and the pack from now on.”

“I’m fine, I just–”

Mountain cut him off with a small, chaste kiss. Aether looked up, violet eyes meeting green, and Mountain offered him a small smile in return.

“Enough, my dear Evening Primrose. We’re pack, even if I haven’t acted like it recently. But that means we share our burdens, and you’ve been carrying them all. Let me take care of you, now.”

As Mountain drifted off to sleep that night, with a purring Aether still wrapped in his arms, he felt at peace for the first time in months. He had pack who loved him, and he had purpose in loving them. The rest could follow.

With the summoning of the new ghouls, Mountain hadn’t felt the physical pull to them that he did to his existing packmates. Even now, that still grew and fluctuated day by day. However, he had come to realise that the biggest difference between these new summonings and his own was that there was no longer a feeling of wrongness. He understood that he didn’t feel that attraction right now, he possibly never would, but now he could explain things in time.

This time, he knew how deeply he was loved, and how deeply he could love, even if it wasn’t in the way that was initially expected of him. And now he understood that no new love could ever replace or invalidate his bond with Zephyr; each of his relationships with his packmates are as different as the ghouls themselves are. He will never forget Zephyr, the wounds of their banishment may never fully heal. However his love for them will always remain a fundamental truth, regardless of their separate futures or if their paths ever cross again.

And if he starts to feel something for the handsome new multighoul… well, he knows that if he leans into those feelings, his heart can only grow bigger.

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hollownoire · 3 months

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Joining tumblr was probably one of the best things I've done in a while. Specifically in regards to seeing so much love and support for different body types and softer ladies.

I was (and to a lesser degree am still) extremely self-concious about how my body looks, my tummy and my weight. I've had a long history of issues with food just generally, without going into detail.

It's all gotten so much better since I've met my incredibly supportive partners and joined this site...learning about how desired or loved I actually might be in regards to something that used to always cause so much pain, heartbreak, and dysphoria has done actual wonders for my self image and mental health.

Being soft is fun and there's nothing wrong with being soft, or wanting to be soft. All that matters is what you're comfortable with and what you want.

Don't deny yourself food or that treat you wanted. Be kind and love yourself, you deserve it.

#cw: disordered eating #trans #transgender #transgirl #lgbtqia #hollownoire #hollowsays #general #appreciation post #cw: dysphoria

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ijichi-nijika · 1 month

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in high school i remember having to do shows for the choir class we had, and when i was in choir class through elementary and middle school i was always an alto (or a tenor for evil people), but once i got to high school they made me be a bass baritone, which fucked my throat up to the point that even voice training can’t make me easily sound how i want to still.

anyway i remember that in my senior year we all had senior solos and i did a tmbg song and that is relevant due to me taking the lyrics kind of trans in my brain hoping someone would pick up on it and help me (no one did, i was a social outcast in hs). Because the only other song i had to sing for that show was the manly man song from mulan with the rest of the “boys”. It gave me such bad dysphoria that i skipped the rest of choir class for the entire year and blamed it on having a block pass on the other days that made me not have to get to school super early. thank you high school choir for usually being an outlet for me to sing (even if in bass but i put up with it back then) and then taking that outlet and making it extremely terrible and making me wanna die back then

#cw: dysphoria #the girl with da gall

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ambop · 2 months

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Cw: self harm and dysphoria

Was in a silly goofy mood, and art makes me feel better sooo like vent art lol

Dw im actually safe and didnt do anything to myself just kinda really wanted to but thats over now im fine lol :D bipolar a lil hehe

#vent art #cw: self harm #tw: self harm #self harm #tw: dysphoria #cw: dysphoria #idk yet but like this really feels like-#therian #or more like #otherkin #or something #therian dysphoria #otherkin dysphoria

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fujoreads · 3 months

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To Strip the Flesh // Review

To Strip the Flesh is a short tales collection in manga format, containing 5 stories in total—the main one going by the book’s title.

I remember someone mentioning this in a book-related podcast I listen to, but I don’t remember which one. I found it at a bookshop when I went on a little date last year, and I just had to buy it! It took me a while to finally read it, but I’m glad I did.

CW: Gender Dysphoria, Explicit Nudity; Organs; Hunting; Animal death; Sexism; Transphobia; Body Horror

This manga was something else. I may not have the exact same experience as our protagonist Chiaki, but I related so hard I cried—thrice, in fact. I got such a headache from crying I had to end the day that evening. Powerful stuff.

I knew I would probably enjoy it because of the art and the topic of trans issues. I myself am a transmasc bastard, so it’s always nice to see manga talking about these things.

When I finally finished it, I had to pause for a minute or two. For the first half, I read many scenes where I felt dysphoric together with Chiaki, but the way the story ended made me actually try to be stronger and fight for my right to happiness, even if I have to face transphobic doctors on the way.

Chiaki Ogawa has never doubted that he is a boy, although the rest of the world has not been as kind. Bound by his mother’s dying wish, Chiaki tries to be a good daughter to his ailing father. When the burden becomes too great, Chiaki sets out to remake himself in his own image and discovers more than just personal freedom with his transition—he finds understanding from the people who matter most. (The StoryGraph)

Although the main story is this one about Chiaki, there are many others who are also just as enjoyable, albeit shorter.

This tale is condensed in about 100 pages, but packs an emotional punch enough to leave you in tears. It made me realize that I have my own found family and I don’t need to keep living a lie.

The flow of the story may have been somewhat rushed due to its overall length, but it still felt neatly presented. I do wish I could have seen more of Chiaki and the rest of the cast, especially his late mother.

This manga’s artstyle is interesting. It feels very anime, but it does feel different in some aspects, like how soft the eyes are. I really enjoyed it.

As someone with a big chest, I personally related to Chiaki’s struggles and the way it was visually presented was just wonderful.

Chiaki is the son of a hunter (who also butches his own kills). He lives as a closeted trans man and desires not to betray his parents’ wishes for him—to be a bride—hurt as it may. He struggles with trying to impose his masculinity to his father, who refuses to see him as anything else but his daughter, saying how “women don’t hunt”, and never letting him get hurt, seeing him as a frail girl. However, we also see his weaknesses: how he never lets his father know his true feelings, even when his father clearly shows he cares for what he thinks is best to Chiaki. It’s understandable, but also what strains their relationship at some point, even if from Chiaki’s perspective.

It’s so sweet to see Chiaki’s growth after a big moment where he has to make an important decision, both for him and his father, and how that improved their overall relationship.

His father was an interesting character to follow as well, even if we see less of him, and usually accompanied by Chiaki. I wish we could have had more moments with him.

I enjoyed Takato as a friend of Chiaki’s, but while he is sweet and supportive, he’s also a bit annoying. Maybe having him grow more throughout the story instead of a last-minute development would have made him more justice.

This was a lovely read, and not just for the main story. Personally, the Hot Watermelon short story was my second favorite, followed by David in Love.

I got even more excited seeing how Oto Toda, the author, worked as an assistant for Tatsuki Fujimoto on Fire Punch—one of my favorite works ever, as despair-inducing as it was.

If you care about stories centered around trans issues, you’ll certainly like it. It’s also a tale of father-son love, and how old wounds can be treated, even if it seems all too late.

This is a very short story, followed by other even shorter stories, so if you desire a more detailed and lengthy tale, you might not enjoy this. It’s a powerful narrative, but it’s rushed at times and unless you personally relate to Chiaki’s struggles, you might feel less emotionally affected.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

Thank you for reading it all to the end! Hey, kind stranger! Would you be so kind and consider giving me a little tip? It can be as low as 3 bucks and it’d make a huuuuuge difference!! If you tip 10€ (or higher), you can dictate my next read and be credited (if you’d like) on that review! Have a nice day!!

#review #manga #lgbtqia+#trans ftm #cw: gore #cw: dysphoria #to strip the flesh

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beautifulfriends · 6 months

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PAGE 31

cw: knife

cw: nudity

cw: dysphoria

Sweetheart

#beautiful friends #chapter 1 #pippin labeau #bard hydra #cw: knife #cw: nudity #cw: dysphoria #knife #nudity #dysphoria

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roxynychus · 2 months

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Good news: got a bunch of new femme clothes this week!

Bad news: I've now worn femme clothes so much that I get severe dysphoria from wearing all masc clothes, and I haven't come out to anyone irl but close family and a few friends

#transgender #transfem #trans woman #transition update #cw: dysphoria #cw dysphoria #guess i'm gonna need to get on that official coming out

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xxang3l-trapxx · 1 year

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Dahlias for Wendy

She calls herself Wendy because it’s feminine and as far enough from her deadname as possible.

The idea of Wendy as a name comes to her while she’s watching The Shining on a rainy May night when she’s eleven, and she sees Wendy Torrance beat her husband in the face with a baseball bat, and in a fucked up way; that name clicks for her. Mrs. Torrance is trapped, scared and hysterical, just like her. After Jack Torrance freezes to death in the snow, and the credits roll, she repeats the name to herself.

“Wendy, Wendy, Wendy,” she repeats. The name is foreign to her, but it feels right.

30 minutes later, Wendy creeps into her parent’s room, leaning on the doorframe. She talks to them both, talking about her new revelation about her new name.

“Please call me Wendy.”

Her parents embrace her in a hug, telling her they love her, that she’ll always be their little Wendy.

A few months later, when her parents are away for work, Wendy sneaks into their room, stealing one of her mother’s dresses. It’s pink and long, reaching her mid thigh, and lace adorns the hem and short puffed sleeves.

Wendy feels like Buffalo Bill from The Silence of The Lambs when he wears the skin of half a dozen women: horrifying, dirty, wrong.

But when she strikes a pose in the full length mirror near the doorframe, a sense of euphoria fills her. She doesn’t look that bad now that she’s actually looking at herself.

“I like it,” she says aloud, hoping Julie won’t hear her (she’s supposed to be outside playing), “Wish it wasn’t so prudish though.”

Before she can try on another dress, she hears her mother coming up the driveway and into the house. Wendy freezes, paralyzed by fear, by the thoughts of what her mother might do to her.

She’s halfway undressed when her mother walks into the room, and time seems to freeze for a minute.

The older woman gives a tired smile, leaning against the doorframe.

“Out of all dresses, why that one? It’s so…”

Wendy finishes her sentence, “Prudish? Homely?“

The two of them burst out into laughter, clutching their stomachs and falling to the floor.

Her mother helps her change out of the dress, and in no time she’s back to a white T-shirt and basketball shorts.

“I’ll buy you a new dress. Something less ‘Little House on the Prairie’,” she says as Wendy trudges down the hall to her room.

If by chance Wendy notices a silk lavender minidress draped over her chair three days later, she doesn’t say anything.

A month after that, in the dog days of August, Wendy asks to try on makeup.

She and Jason are suspended in the latter’s hammock in his backyard, sipping cherry Cokes and discussing Wendy’s transition when she brings the topic of makeup to the table.

“I want to try makeup. Maybe some eyeshadow, mascara, I dunno. Too much will make my face feel heavy,” Wendy absentmindedly says, crumpling up her can of coke and tossing it into the outside garbage can.

Jason sets his can on the table beside the hammock and leans forward, his chin in his hands.

“I think you’d look good either with lipgloss or lipstick. I think too much would make you look super made up and fake,” he states, crossing his legs. Wendy frowns.

“Well I wanna look made up and fake. I wanna look…like other girls. Like, I dunno…Brittney Spears or Christina Aguilera. I’d rather look super fake than look like…a boy.” She spits boy with such venom, Jason thinks the word is like poison to her.

He slaps his knee, and maneuvers his way out of the hammock, and trudges his way through the grass.

“Wait, where are you going?” Wendy’s voice is filled with fear, is Jason going to tell his parents? Will he laugh at her?

He turns around and smirks. “To go get some money! We’ll go to a drugstore and get some makeup to start you off,” he says, a hint of mirth in his voice.

Wendy goes to follow him inside, as Jason calls out to his mother that the two of them are going to the corner store, and she alerts him to 20 dollars in their junk drawer. The two of them shout thanks to Mrs.Wise, hop on Jason’s bike and ride off into the late afternoon sun.

40 minutes, a little waiting around and some debating later, Wendy and Jason are riding back from the drugstore, a bag of the makeup they purchased in the basket of Jason’s bike. There’s e.l.f lipgloss, Covergirl eyeshadow and Maybeline mascara in there, alongside some candy.

They hop off of Jason’s bike, Jason leads Wendy into the first floor bathroom of the Wise residence, setting the makeup onto the toilet tank lit and helping Wendy sit on the toilet.

“Alright,” he says, out of breath, “You ready do this shit?”

Wendy smiles eagerly and nods. “Uh, yeah! Go nuts I guess!”

Jason smirks and gets to work. He starts off with the eyeshadow, in a shimmery blue, and digs his thumb into the pigment, swiping it over Wendy’s eyelids. Switching to his index finger, he feathers it out to the corners of her eye.

Mascara follows after, and Wendy opens her eyes and tilts her head back as Jason swipes the mascara wand on eyelashes, going back into the tube for at least 3 coats. Occasionally he pokes her in the eye; and she has to prevent herself from crying.

Lastly, the lipgloss. Jason accidentally fucks it up and there’s lipgloss on cheek, but Wendy doesn’t care. She’s one step closer to feeling pretty, one step closer to geeking truly happy. Jason puts everything back into the bag, puts his hand over her eyes and leads her to the mirrors affixed above the sink.

“You ready to see your makeover?” he asks so earnestly and lovingly that Wendy thinks she might cry.

Wendy nods and smiles, and her friend takes this as the sign to remove his hands from her eyes. She looks into the mirror, studying her new appearance, and deduces that she looks…horrible.

The eyeshadow reaches just below her eyebrows, one of her eyeballs black with mascara and her lashes look like spiders with how clumpy they are, and her lips don’t even have gloss on them.

Not wanting to be dishonest, Wendy voices her thoughts to Jason.

“I look like shit, I’m sorry. Honest to g_d, I look like a clown,” she states, turning to Jason.

He playfully shoves her and grins. “Oh fuck you! You had me spend my money, and you don’t even like the look? Rude,” he isn’t mad at all, instead bursting out into laughter. Wendy follows soon after.

As they clutch their stomachs, holding onto each other so they don’t fall, Wendy feels a sense of ease fill her. Sure, she may look stupid, but looking stupid and fake and plastic eases the pain of not looking like who she wants.

She feels pretty, happy, calm.

She feels like Wendy Christensen, a girl.

@thearcher-winchester-version @brains4ne @roryslvrr @cinemagh0ul @kymyit @seikointelli @ilovefinaldestination @taytumelise

#wendy christensen #final destination 3 #nem’s writing #i believe in transfem Wendy supremacy soooo #take this fic!!#also #I’m not transfeminine so this is not a complete representation of young trans girls #but I hope I was able to at least do the trans girl experience justice!#cw: dysphoria #transfem

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darkstaranthology · 5 months

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'binary eclipse' was the fifth fic posted for 'dark star - an izch anthology.'

Discussion of dark themes, gender dysphoria and the discussion of the trans experience, date rape, past rape/non-con, mortal/immortal relationships, vampire and werewolf sex, including bloodsucking, torture, and other triggering content below this cut. There will also be spoilers for the fic, if you want to read it for yourself first.

Fic stats:

~40,000 words

5 chapters

E rated (explicit sexual content, mortal/immortal relationships, rape/non-con, torture, blood and gore, horror elements)

Archive Warnings (AO3): Graphic Depictions of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con

Urban Fantasy AU (No Quirks/Heroes University, with fantastical elements)

'binary eclipse' is a multichapter fic concerning a modern university AU where trans girl Izumi 'Deku' Midoriya is date raped at a party after already living a tough life to get as far as she is. Struggling with university life already, she spirals after her experience, only to meet 'Yuu Takeyama,' an odd-looking young woman who seems awfully familiar, spinning Izumi's world upside down.

So, it's funny really. Before BNHA, my special interests were generally superheroes (I was really into the MCU, I just wasn't into fandom in the formal sense before the pandemic) and horror films. If someone was at all familiar with my more 'traditional work,' I think this would be very obvious, truth be told. Horror themes appear sporadically in my work, mostly subdued as I try to write for a mostly teen-rated audience in a lot of it, and obviously, I love superheroes. You probably wouldn't think that I do, given how critical I am of superhuman society in BNHA in my work, but that's more just taking the themes to their logical conclusions.

'binary eclipse,' accordingly, was primarily inspired by a few horror-themed fics I read. I got to thinking about izch Little Red Riding Hood, actually, partly because one of the official Halloween costumes Ochako has been assigned in Hori's bonus sketches is as Little Red Riding Hood. Traditionally, Little Red Riding Hood can be interpreted as a rather heteronormative story concerning a predatory, broadly masculine wolf and a defenseless, often very young girl he preys on. Yet famously, in the original story, the Big Bad Wolf crossdresses to try and 'fool' Little Red Riding Hood, to varying degrees of success based on the particular retelling. This in turn got me thinking about gender roles, reinterpretations of themes, and the idea of 'fem!Deku' as a trope.

Now, conceptually, I have no problem with genderbending. I do think it's normally tacky to genderbend gay ships into straight ships. Fandom will crow on and on that 'M/F ships aren't inherently straight,' and that's true, but narrative framing is an important literary idea for a reason. However, I think genderbending a straight ship into a gay ship, as long as you take what that premise implies seriously, is an interesting writing exercise. Hence, 'sapphic izch' is my favorite version of the ship, and I think a lot about the thought experiment of 'what if BNHA was the same, except Deku was a girl?'

Of course, if it was as such, BNHA would've been cancelled after two volumes, and no one would ship izch no matter how bluntly obvious Hori made the romantic undertones, but I digress.

There were a variety of influences on 'binary eclipse.' One big one is an iconic horror film, 'Ginger Snaps,' a Canadian film from 2000. Another was SevenRenny (@sevenrenny) and their fic 'The Root of All the Poison,' which really stuck with me. Really, I'm not here to write a book about horror influences, there was a lot, 'cause I love horror films. Point was, I wanted to make Deku a girl, and I wanted to make her a werewolf. However, as easy as it would've been to make her a cis girl, I think making her trans was the more obvious choice; what are werewolves if not one of the classic pieces of trans iconography, after all?

I think this distinction is important when discussing genderbending. I think there's something fundamentally different and important between a character being trans and a character just now being 'a girl.' I think it's okay to just want to do that second thing, and not all fic has to be 'good representation.' That's fine! But how this topic is handled will greatly affect if a fic is good, at least to me, so I went into this one wanting it to write about the trans experience, especially as it pertains to my own life.

This fic is semi-autobiographical, albeit very blown out of proportion, of course. That's all I'll say about that.

For Ochako, making her a vampire was also an easy choice. It let me riff off of now-classic 'vampires vs. werewolves' iconography, it let me talk about the interesting subtext of Ochako and Toga as a relationship, and it let me make her 'magical' in a distinctly different way. Ochako/Toga is a ship that I used to really adore, and I still like them, but as the manga has progressed the fandom has become quite insufferable about how it postures about Ochako/Toga as another totem for migratory slash fandom to conveniently get female characters out of the way of their ships. I ship Deku/Bakugou, for the record! The fandom all around is merely aggravating, and as both the third act of the manga has descended into absolutely abysmal writing and the fandom has become acutely annoying, I now tend to avoid Ochako/Toga content, unfortunately.

That doesn't mean I don't enjoy writing them, though. It's one of those things where I only really like them if I'm writing them now. There's going to be sort of a gradient of portrayals of Ochako and Toga in 'dark star,' from the antagonistic, abusive relationships they have in 'bound' or 'binary eclipse,' to being friendly and supportive in 'dragon's breath,' to close, complicated friends in some planned upcoming fics, such as 'paths forward' or 'finite incantatem.' There's even one planned fic for 'dark star' that will involve the famous Deku/Ochako/Toga OT3, which will be set in one of the various planned fantasy AUs.

For 'binary eclipse' specifically, I was riffing off of a fairly direct transliteration of canon, except where Toga isn't 'saved.' It's meant to be tragic, where she is an abused person who has in turn embraced the abusive system that hurt her. A common theme in BNHA fandom is the notion that the villains are quasi-revolutionary, but really they just want to watch the world burn in canon. Toga in this fic is a very small-scale version of this, choosing to lash out because of how she was treated, while Ochako bears the brunt of that ire. It's not going to make the world a better place, but it's also sad and miserable, not uplifting, when she dies.

Her backstory is also a homage to 'Bloodborne,' the 2015 video game by FromSoftware, which was another influence on this fic.

There's a lot of complex themes in this fic, largely dealing with both Izumi and Ochako going through a rape recovery narrative together. For Izumi, her experience is raw and fresh, trying to grapple with being a trans girl and now experiencing what is unfortunately one of the more common 'girl' experiences: being date raped at a party. Meanwhile, Ochako is recovering from long-term partner abuse, walking away from her position as Himiko's 'pet' vampire underling, trying to grapple with what she was made to do while effectively in captivity. A lot of the queer themes intermingle with these fantastical elements, which I had fun with.

One sort of incidental element to this fic is that 'soulmates' are real, in the sort of blunt 'fanfic' manner. That is, two people are soulmates, they have specific soulmate 'markings,' etc. In this case, only 'special' people have them, people deemed important by 'Fate.' 'Fate' in the specific 'named character' sense will be a recurring element in these fics, also appearing in 'dragon's breath.' In the case of 'binary eclipse,' soulmates have been no promise of a happy ending, another queer theme in practice.

Bakugou is implicitly dating Kirishima in this fic. It's not made super clear, mostly because from Izumi's limited POV she is unsure what their relationship status is, she just knows the two are sexually engaged in some fashion. I imagined they are somewhere between 'dating' and 'friends with benefits,' although the specifics aren't important. What is important is that Bakugou's soulmate isn't Kirishima, it's Todoroki, a commentary on how certain characters revolve narratively around Deku, and how changes in Deku's narrative would send them all careening out of orbit.

(There's something to be said here, as an aside, about the prevalence of Bakugou/Todoroki in this series. I do sincerely ship Bakugou with both Deku and Todoroki. One of these fics will actually concern Bakugou/Deku/Ochako as a threesome, too, in fact! But Bakugou/Todoroki has progressively become my main ship for Bakugou, both because I like it a lot and because I think it narratively foils izch in really fucking fascinating ways. It makes writing fic about them a breeze. I used to like Bakugou/Kirishima a lot, and I'm ambivalent to them as a background ship now, but I have soured on the relationship largely because the fandom for that ship is... shall we say, intense. Many of them are not very kind to Deku or Ochako as characters, which is the quickest way to make me not like you in BNHA fandom.)

Meanwhile, Izumi and Ochako are soulmates, but Ochako was taken by Toga when Ochako was only fifteen. They were 'meant' to live out a fairy tale high school sweethearts romance, only for Izumi to come out to Ochako as trans later in life, putting them on track for something new. Izumi would have been afraid that Ochako wouldn't accept her, only for Ochako to embrace the change, always steadfastly supportive of her best friend.

Instead, Ochako was taken, Izumi collapsed into a deep depression and came out in high school, and everything is all wrong. Indeed, now it's Ochako who comes to Izumi afraid that Izumi won't accept how she's changed, only for Izumi to be thrilled to have her constant back. In the same vein, Izumi and Bakugou have something on the edge of a queerplatonic relationship in this fic; they're not merely 'friends,' but they aren't romantically inclined, either. They love each other, they're just not in love, and I thought this was beautiful, too.

'binary eclipse' is a very queer fic, or at least, that was my intent. I'm queer, personally, but I've come out as being queer relatively late in life. Some people think this makes my experience invalid, which is a shame. I try very hard to learn the ins and outs of queer culture as I go, and to write about it authentically. Sometimes I worry I don't portray things well, or as others might experience them. I only can speak for myself, of course. But I wanted 'binary eclipse' to be a very queer story, even if it's a bit of a shame that it means that relatively few people have read it.

Then again, it has absolutely terrifying tags, so that's understandable. It's also the first story in 'dark star' concerning transgender experiences, though it certainly won't be the last. There are (as of writing this post) two more fics regarding Deku as a trans girl, two regarding Deku as a trans boy, and one regarding Ochako as a trans girl. Each will approach these ideas in slightly different ways or contexts, but the broad points will rhyme, as you'd probably expect. There will also be at least one fic which concerns cis fem!Deku, though it'll be awhile before that comes back up. Sapphic izch remains my favorite version of the ship as long as it's written well, and I wish more people would write/draw for the concept.

Not to put too fine a point on it, a lot of fandom for izch trends younger and trends very cishet male. I feel like this shouldn't be a controversial statement to anyone who's even vaguely familiar with the fandom. Most of the relevant content is made by women, as with all fandom, but most of the constant crowing on Reddit and Twitter about how 'Deku is straight' comes from bland cishet men who contribute nothing and really don't even 'ship' izch, it's just a rhetorical tool for them. Personally, I mentioned earlier the notion that 'M/F ships aren't inherently straight.' That's true, but I think some people hold up sexuality head canons as a totem to avoid criticism, or to separate themselves from cishet men in fandom.

To be blunt, there's nothing wrong with just thinking that your ship involves two straight people. Fandom has become increasingly and exceedingly cringe about policing sexuality head canons, to its detriment. But if you don't think they're straight, then I think how they're framed is important. I generally have come to enjoy framing izch in broadly queer ways, trying to show versions of them that aren't merely 'a teenage boy and a teenage girl who are high school sweethearts.' There's nothing wrong with enjoying that - obviously, I do, since I fell in love with them - but I like to broaden my horizons, too.

So a lot of 'dark star' will contain heavy queer themes. Some will be set in 'the canon setting,' as it were, such as 'stardust,' 'at liberty,' or 'swallow the sun.' Others will be set in AUs, such as 'back contamination' or 'finite incantatem.' Not all of them will focus on transgender experiences; I would like to do at least a few involving cis fem!Deku, eventaully. I also took a crack at cis male!Ochako, but I feel that trope works much better in art than prose. I may eventually do something that is trans male Ochako, however. We shall see!

In this context, 'binary eclipse' served as an important test fic for me to see how I felt about writing dark queer themes, complicated morality dynamics, and horror elements for a story that I still broadly want to have 'a happy ending.' I'm pretty proud of it. I think the scene of Izumi transforming to fight the Nomu and Toga is one of the better action pieces I've ever written, even.

My overall thoughts are a little more muddled on 'binary eclipse,' not because I'm not proud of it, but rather merely because I just don't remember much of the concept phase of writing it. I wrote it very quickly, over the course of a few days, and most of that stuff has been lost to the ether. I'm happy to answer questions about it, though. It's a fic I wish was more popular, given its queer themes, but alas, what can you do?

If you have thoughts about horror stories, queer themes, or sapphic izch, I'd love to hear about it! So if you enjoyed 'binary eclipse,' please let me know! Or if you didn't, I don't mind hearing why. I hope you have something intelligent to say, rather than boring pro-/anti- discourse stuff or 'your ship is bad,' though. These fics are for adults, and I expect you to engage with them like adults.

Have a nice day.

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sparklemaia · 2 years

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which tiny disgruntled Maia is your favorite (top surgery is less than a year away!)

#genderqueer #transmasc #lgbtq #queer #trans #top surgery #nonbinary #gender #comic #personal #autobio #journal #dysphoria #swimwear #disasters and other genders #cw: dysphoria

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cheerycherrycandy-resurrected · 1 month

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It's Mountain March!

A new post for an old(er) fic, since I went to reblog it and it's vanished from my page?!? istg this website...

Cling to the Light (acespec ghouls <3)

In hindsight, I think my writing has got better over the last few months. This fic even improved towards the end imo! But I'm still proud of this, and what it represents for me personally <3