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tristayranambrosio · 5 months

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Attention - Grief (DWC day 4) Disclaimer and CONTENT WARNING: This post has a graphic depiction of what some might find triggering due to imagery and content. CW: Drug-abuse, Child-Abuse, Overdose and Death Okay onto the story, you have been warned:

Was I ever Enough? Questions asked left forever, Unanswered always. The cold weight of copper coins were heavy in the boy’s hands… not because there were enough to fill the yawning ache in his belly, or enough to warm the wooden crate he hid beneath to stop the rain. The walk back to her was wet… and cold, the streets empty of the denizens that would have made his take more generous. The thunder and storm like some monster that had driven each indoors to fires and luxuries that the child had never known. He knew… he knew he would displease her… that the six copper coins may be worse than if he had returned empty handed all together, but his voice had hurt… the cough and the rasp made it harder to sing and harder still to out sing the downpour. It hurt to breathe but he panted anticipating her outrage. “M-mama?” He rasped hoarse from the beating his chest had taken from the cough. She was angry… her motions sluggish but filled with fury she whirled on him, bottle clutched tight in her hand. The neck of the dark green glass cracked and shattered open because she had not had it in her to bother with a cork. Her son flinched offering the copper coins that he had clutched so tightly the imprint of royal faces and crests had left themselves in his palms. Thunder drowned out the sounds of the cruel intentions she offered in return, but apologies and pleas for forgiveness, and promises ran into gutters with red from his split lip.

Your Love all I craved, Your attention my one goal, Silence, your reply The boy came to, his mother having realized in her drunken outburst that she’d nearly broken him, she spent the aching sobering hours of her hangover, doting and promising she would be better, promising she loved him… showering him with every ounce of her attention. He craved it… that acceptance… that love, and despite the hurt in his body and his lungs faced the cold streets again begging, singing… pleading for more coins because each one more he collected meant Mama would be happy, Mama would be pleased with him, Mama would not make him hurt.

Lines of spilled life blood Raised like briar thorn up veins Your arms are so cold The coins came easier… but he still went hungry, the clawing need for food tempted the boy to buy bread, a heel, a crumb… anything but the scraps covered in refuse and mold he could scrounge from trash and discard behind taverns… But Mama needed the coins. He brought them to her and she snatched them from his hands while his body shook and felt the beating in his soul just as deep as his starving belly, when she didn’t even bother striking him in her haste to leave.

Your dark addiction The vice that bore your burden The child you can blame… He watches her shake then sink the needle deep from a place he hopes she cannot see. Her shivering stops… his continues… He is so hungry… and the needles are full. Empty promises, Lies to spin and weave like webs, On Spider’s silk lashed. He strives for more… squirrels away enough, defies her to pursue the strings… the scraps of wood, he builds a masterpiece, plays an instrument… the coins turn first from copper to silver then silver to gold… his voice, his music… none stir her heart, none make her proud. The boy’s heart breaks… he thinks he knows grief as he clutches his rose… and hurls the gold at his mother’s feet, who snatches it up and does not face him, her boy a young man before his time… her boy still begging for his mother to see him, when all she sees is a golden idol on the cobblestones that can buy her paradise. I am far away, I am not there when you go I return too late.

He wakes to the shuddering spasms that have grown worse, her eyes rolled back into her skull and her lips blue while she drowns in open air, her nose bleeds her nails have yellowed and some have even peeled from their beds… he can count every rib on her sides… he can see every ridge of her spine. Half her size he tries to turn her over and though she is frail as a bird and almost as hollow she does not help him still plunging more of that poison into her paper thin skin. He weeps… He begs he apologizes… promises tomorrow he’ll bring more so she can eat… more coins to buy his mother what she needs… if she would only speak, if she would only look at him But she sees nothing… and her silence turns eternal. Was I not enough… Would you have stayed if I was? I was never enough... He wanted the world to stop… for the sun to stay past the horizon… he needed time… just a little more time, she would wake, and the world would make sense, he could sing and play for more coins and they could eat a meal… drink from something not collected in puddles and spillways or fountains between patrols. But the world didn’t. Guards had to employ their most extreme measures to dispose of her body because her son clawed and scratched and bit his way back to her as if he’d let them bury him alive with her and the other vagabonds and homeless they discarded daily. So deep was his grief that it took their hawkstriders and lynxes to drive him away… until she could be buried properly and not rise a wretched given her state at death. When the sun set again the boy sobbed over the freshly packed soil, nails black and brown with the dirt beneath them and he found himself wishing the skies would open and weep with him but the night gave him only an overcast starless night… as if the eyes of the cosmos were as blind as the rest of the world to a pair that had someone noticed might not have been torn apart… The only comfort in grief was the rose he had kept rather than the gold… someone had listened… not like the woman in the ground that had given birth to him… given him a Name with the weight of history and prominence of fate he would not discover for years to come… but a boy with violet eyes who had paid him that scrap of attention.

I knew grief that day, I bear it, an open wound, Grief: what scars Your soul. I can’t forgive you, For this yawning void within, I live despite it. Let me forget, heal You haunt me in stranger’s eyes Release me from this Rosaline, Mother, Only wished to make you proud

Not be your mistake. I wasn’t enough But could I ever have been? No… just your son… trash.

( @daily-writing-challenge )

#cw child abuse #cw drugs #cw death #cw drug abuse #roleplay #trist'ayran #background #haiku poetry #wow oc #bard

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once-in-a-blue-moon-rising · 4 months

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Fix It

Rated M, 5178 words

His mother raised one, perfectly plucked eyebrow in his direction, and Sherlock, with the very same opalescent eyes, allowed Mycroft a brief moment of contact. He was doleful and pathetic, a skinny, jet-black cat dropped into a river.

Mycroft tilted his head infinitesimally to the left, and gave a small smile.

In his chest, some string, pulled taut, snapped.

...or, a Holmes family Christmas plagued by addiction and brotherly discord.

#sherlock #fanfiction #sherlock holmes #mycroft holmes #holmes brothers #cw drug abuse #holmes parents #bbc sherlock #sherlock fanfic #bluemoon0ntherise

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h-worksrambles · 1 year

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Leo Alvarez for the ask game 🥺🥺

First off, you have no idea how badly I have wanted to do any kind of ask game for Echo, so thank you.

Oh Leo, the wolf with flags as red as his fur...and yet...

An incredibly complex and tragic character like Leo naturally has a lot to dissect in terms of his relationships with other characters. With that in mind, here are my five favourite Leo dynamics.

1. The most obvious pick by far is Chase. And I've already touched on some of my thoughts on these two already. Leo's best friend, his ex boyfriend, one of the most important people in Leo's life...and we watch that relationship go to hell in the most painful way possible. It's an incredibly layered relationship between two deeply flawed, troubled people. You could write an entire essay on this relationship and how much it drives a freaking dagger through my heart, but I'll just give the cliff notes version. At the end of the day you have two dumb, kinda shitty teens who have become two dumb, kinda shitty twenty somethings, both carrying a shedload of mental health issues that neither knows how to handle. Their relationship falls apart because they each have a very false, idealised notion of how relationships work. In part because they’re both young and inexperienced in that respect.

They bond in part due to their shared trauma, both the horrible loss of Sydney and the more mundane but still very painful process of trying to figure out their identities in a deeply homophobic, backwater town with no real queer community or role model to look towards. They clung to each other as an ideal they could use to hide from their problems. Leo's guilt over failing to protect Sydney manifests as controlling overprotectiveness, magnified by his unresolved anger problems. Chase's state of stress and dissasociation after that same event leads him to take a very passive attitude to the relationship, happy to let Leo make all the decisions and thus enabling his controlling behaviour, but also tending to be indecisive, self-centred and uncommunicative about what he wants because he hates conflict. There's also the interesting subtext that their relationship has a pattern of toxic heteronormative behaviour (a result of their own inexperience with even being queer). Leo wants to be the provider and breadwinner, he calls Chase a feminised petname, 'chula', he dotes on Chase, but also tries to control him. Chase's passivity and the harm that comes from that, demonstrates just how damaging trying to cram queer relationships into those kinds of heteronormative boxes actuallly is.

Over the game, across the different routes, we see them unpack the factors that caused their relationship to fail. Leo's inability to move on from Chase is part of a wider desire to cling to the past, because he feels like he peaked in his teenage years and now feels adrift. The town torments him with those feelings and creates a phantom of Chase that embodies every unhealthy emotion Leo's projected onto him, and is slowly driving him to madness. Leo's 'so I just pretend' monologue which describes how this influence took route is painful to see unfold. And god, the amount of symbolism I could talk about that feeds into this! The anchor bracelet that embodies the conflicting imagery of safety and familiarity, but also that of beng trapped and bound to each other and to their past. The horrifying scene in Jenna's route where they are literally almost nightmarishly bound to each other. The fact that Leo's bad ending has Chase's inability to resolve his conflicted emotions end with him going from being torn emotionally to being torn physically (please Howly, McSkinny! I can only take so much symbolic body horror!)

One of my favourite moments between them is seeeing how they first got together in Route 65. You can see the connnection between these two old friends, slowly figuring out their identities and bonding over it as a result. There's a real tenderness to it. But you can also see all the warning signs. The fact that Leo is already hiding things from Chase. The fact that Chase will go along with whatever Leo says and overlook those signs despite his better judgement. The fact that they'll ignore people around them, often hurting their friends as a result, to be together. It's equal parts heartwarming and agonising when you know how it'll end.

Watching this deeply toxic relationship fall apart is agonising, but seeing the endings where they mutually grow is so worth it. Chase putting his foot down, firmly making his own decision and ending things with Leo is what allows them both to escape the town's influence. Meanwhile, with his delusions shattered, Leo is able to start healing, not just letting go of the past and growing past his own worst traits, but making amends to people he previously hurt (we'll get to that). That final goodbye between the two at the end of his route is the closest I've come to crying at a videogame in a very long time. I cannot stress how much it affected me emotionally.

I could go on, but I need to move onto other relationships so to sum up, Leo and Chase's relationship is dark, tragic and yet strangely beautiful to watch unfold.

2. Micha's relationship with Leo only really comes up in Jenna's route, but nonetheless is very interesting. Micha was already one of my favourite side characters. A lonely, angry young man but one who's also very clearly been dealt a hard lot in life. If Heather represents what Jenna could have been if she didn't have a support network of friends who could help pull her out of her shitty abusive upbringing, Micha represents what Chase or Leo could have been if they'd been in similar circumstances, as well as being ostracised for their sexualities by their loved ones rather than accepted. And since Jenna's route is about the importance of healthy connections with others and how crucial they are to self improvement, this is very pertinent.

Micha was one of the first people who Leo really related to in the process of figuring out his sexuality as a teenager. Their experimenting leads to them doing something very, very stupid and reckless that still makes me uncomfortable to think about. But immediately after that of course, Leo gets together with his longtime crush and, as he and Chase did to pretty much all their friends, basically left Micha out to dry. This left Micha to deal with getting kicked out of home for being gay alone. For as much as Leo romanticises his past, there are darker elements he needs to come to terms with, wrongs of his own that he needs to right.

Micha is understandably terrified of even seeing Leo again after how badly this 'relationship' fell apart. But slowly, the walls come down, and that more protective side of Leo starts to come out, but in a good way this time. Leo recognises that he hurt Micha and does his best to keep him safe during the mass hysteria, to atone for the harm he did, to make things right. And by the end of the route, Micha's still there, accepted by Leo and the rest of the group.

There are those who want to ship them because of this, and there's certainly grounds to read it that way, but I personally don't. Partly because knowing what we do of their history makes me a little personally uncomfortable at the prospect, but also because I think a big part of Leo's arc is to let go of his very idealised, somewhat toxic idea of romantic relationships. I think him learning to be happily single, and valuing the friendships he has, is much more appropriate. He has all the time in the world to meet someone new. For now, just let him have some good friends. Ones who he can help just as much as they do for him.

3. Next up, TJ and Leo. Because of the direction Leo's character takes, he basically torpedoes his relationships with most of the rest of the main group. His disastrous fling with Flynn shoots that friendship dead, (we'll get to that). He and Jenna used to be incredibly close childhood friends but that gets complicated fast. Their mutual feelings for Chase fuels Leo's jealousy in Jenna's route, and as she learns more about just how much Leo has been hiding about himself as a person from his friends, she struggles to see him the same way she used to. And Carl was especially affected by how much Chase and Leo neglected the others after becoming a couple and I don't think he ever quite forgave Leo for that. They care about each other a lot and do come through for each other when the worst happens, but their stories seem to end with the group learning to value the time they had together and then moving on in most routes.

The only exception who Leo seems to maintain a positive dynamic with and seems to genuinely get on well with, is TJ. And it makes sense why. TJ is the most patient, gentle and accepting of the group. He still cares a lot about his childhood friends and isn't shy to let them know that. Leo, like I've said, thinks of himself as a protector, and tries to be everyone's 'big brother' figure. So it figures he takes great care to watch out for the youngest of the group. It's a dynamic that demonstrates the best aspects of Leo's protectiveness. When his unresolved trauma isn't twisting that protective instinct into hyper controlling, obessissive behaviour, he can be a really great friend. I always think of that one scene in Leo's route where he and Chase go to join TJ at the park. At this point, we've seen many of Leo's red flags. How he's still obssessing over his ex. How his anger problems are getting worse. How he's manipulating not only Chase, but also all the rest of his friends just to contrive a scenario where he and Chase can work things out (that phone scene is a gutpunch, dear god)...and yet. Even though Leo's entire plan is dependent on staying alone with Chase to patch things up, he's willing to compromise that because TJ is his friend and he's hurting, and Leo wants to make him happy. Leo is a walking hot mess of a person, but it's that conflict between his selfless and selfish urges, his best and worst instincts, that make him so compelling to watch.

And still there's more to dig into. Because a big part of TJ's character is about how he's often talked down to and talked over even by his closest friends. How TJ is a repressed, curled up ball of insecurities and anxieties who can't express himself because everyone around him treats him like a precious innocent uwu smol bean. Well meaning though he may be, Leo's over protectiveness means he is unintentionally coddling TJ just as much as Jenna is, preventing him from healthily unpacking his pain, a dam that finally bursts in Flynn's route.

Even so, TJ and Leo's relationship provides an insight into Leo's better qualities, and a glimpse of how this friendship dynamic may once have worked in the past.

4. Oh, Flynn and Leo. You know what I'm gonna say. Metaphor. Freaking Metaphor. Flynn is my favourite character in Echo and his history with Leo provides fresh insight into both characters. Based on when you meet them in the prologue, Flynn and Leo could not appear more different. Leo seems earnest, affectionate, protective and reverent of the past the group shares. Flynn is cold and distant, it's unclear how much his attitude is banter and how much is actual spite towards his old friends. And the argument scene at the river is in large part a blowup between these two: Leo wanting to return to the past, and Flynn wanting to discard it to get answers. But once you dig more into these characters, you quickly see the similarities run deceptively deep. Flynn is, in his own way, just as trapped in the past as Leo. Leo can be just as cruel towards his friends as Flynn, while Flynn can be just as protective of them as Leo. Two characters both so alike, and yet so different.

And then you're thrown the bombshell that these two banged.

In Flynn's route we learn that Flynn and Leo briefly became an item after Chase broke up with Leo and went to college. Flynn even took him to the Smoke Room, a part of his life Flynn tells barely anyone about. In Metaphor, we see them together briefly, and it's probably the most comfortable and happy we see them around each other in the entire game. Of, course, as we immediately find out, it ended badly. Leo broke things off with Flynn shortly before Chase came back to visit Echo, hoping to rekindle that relationship. And Flynn's reaction to this: "I guess that's okay...if that's all you want..." is a painful reminder of Flynn's own struggle, desperate for intimacy, but also deathly afraid of it, terrified of losing a real connection like the one he lost with his best friend so many years ago. It's genuinely heartbreaking to see. Especially when Flynn talks about this with Chase in his route: How coming to terms with his sexuality was especially painful because, while he was dealing with awful homophobic treatment by his parents before he finally got away from them, his other two friends who could have helped him become more comfortable with his queerness, were too wrapped up in each other to notice.

Do I think they could have worked out? Hard to say. I think Leo did desperately need to date anyone other than Chase to get over him. But I also stand by my earlier point, that Leo needs to learn to be comfortably single. Meanwhile, while I think allowing himself to be emotionally open in a relationship would do him a world of good, I wonder if hooking up with his few remaining friends, potentially ruining those friendships, is actually all that productive a solution for Flynn (although I am a shameless Flynn and Carl shipper so what do I know?). Still, maybe they could have had something. But that ship sailed a long time ago. Even so, Flynn will still come through for Leo, and the rest of his friends, in Jenna's route, because, whatever he says, he still loves them dearly. They're basically all he has.

(Also, one minor detail. In Route 65, Flynn is the one who let Chase know about the party because he knew about Leo's feelings for Chase, and, now that Chase had come out, decided to play matchmaker and get Leo to finally spit it out. A nice reminder that Flynn looks out for his friends, even if he'll never admit it).

5. Clint and Leo's dynamic is understated, but surprisingly tragic when you think about it. Clint bullied Leo and the others plenty as a kid, and was generally a berligerent, homophobic ass to them. But it's very strongly implied that both Clint, and his sister, were suffering some pretty awful abuse at home. That doesn't excuse his behaviour, but there's more going on with Clint than we fully see.

In the present day, the tables have turned, and if anything, Leo is the one antagonising Clint. Leo's anger isssues have only gotten worse, and he'll happily take any excuse to give Clint a sock in the jaw after eveything that happened between them as kids. Never mind that Clint is a meth addict in no condition to fight a huge maned wolf, and is currently being exortorted by a predatory serial killer.

In many ways, their dynamic feels like a foil to Jenna and Heather. Heather was someone who hurt Jenna when they were young. But Jenna is able to recognise that Heather was suffering in a way not too different to herself. She doesn't entirely forget the pain Heather caused her, but she empathises with her, is willing to help her deal with her own hardships and move on in her life. Leo and Clint meanwhile, are repeating their childhood fights, stuck in the same old routine, with no such empathy between them. If Leo wants to go back to the old days when he was younger, I guess it figures that he still relishes getting one over on his high school bully.

Truth be told, Clint is a character I would have liked to see get a little more screentime. To see his struggles explored a little deeper the way Micha and Heather's were. But there's still a lot to interpret about his enmity with Leo and how it ties into Echo's themes of dealing with trauma and letting go with the past.

Anyway, that's all five of my favourite relationships involving Leo. Leo is one of my favourite characters in Echo and his story affected me so deeply. I still struggle to listen to Blurry or Theme For A Lonely Wolf without choking up. So it was very hard not to just word vomit when given the chance to talk about him as a character. I hope it morphed into a good answer to your ask. Thanks again for sending it to me!

#leo alvarez #echo vn #echo project #ask game #cw abuse #cw body horror #cw drug abuse #cw homophobia #echo spoilers

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kakodaimones · 1 month

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"1976. I was on so much coke I can't remember the face of the guy I was with. Proof-of-concept for the launch of home video cassettes. Technically lost media now. Enjoy that treasure hunt."

#{vox; ic}「we can’t rewind」#{dash comm}「that’s good television!」#cw drug abuse

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forestfan69 · 1 year

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Tw in tags! (Pls tell me if I need to make edits etc!!)

“I’ve tried everything .”

>This piece is based on a headcanon that I have relating to my belief that Moira suffers from chronic pain as a result of her self-experimentation. This belief is based on the interactions that she has with Junkrat and Reyes as well as a few of her respawn/general lines. My theory is that before begrudgingly accepting that her chronic pain was now a permanent part of her, that Moira would experiment with different painkillers and drugs in an attempt to inhibit the pain she was going through. This obviously did not work in the long run and instead contributed heavily to the exhausted and irritable temperament she possesses in Overwatch 2.

#moira o'deorain #overwatch #overwatch 2 #cw drugs #cw drug abuse #cw needles #emeto cw #smoking cw #my art

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e-m-p-error · 1 year

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Valentino And His Body (Anatomy)

Valentino's Addictive Properties

Valentino's insides are all very, very pink. From the meat to the organs, his blood, even his very vaguely pastel bones, it's all different shades of vibrant, hot pinks. Even his teeth are pink and would be a brighter color if not for the smoking. The color comes from the venom gland tucked beneath his skull around his spinal cord.

It is slim enough not to make his neck bulge, and unless you know what you are feeling for, hard to feel from the outside. It is slightly squishy but firm, and roughly two inches thick. The gland itself is the brightest thing inside of him, lightly glowing and very saturated with color.

The venom permeates everything in Valentino's body, from his saliva to blood, urine, sweat, meat, and cum. In small doses, it doesn't have much of a reaction other than producing a desire for more. However, the more venom enters someone's body, the more they will feel the effects.

Side effects include: Fatigue, hunger, visual/auditory hallucinations, feeling floaty, lack of motor function, disorientation, dizziness upon standing, and in extreme cases, nausea/vomiting, headaches, and seizures.

Due to the addictive quality of the venom, a lack of it after any prolonged exposure will lead to cravings and even withdrawal.

Withdrawal symptoms include: Tremors, chills, hot flashes, nausea/vomiting, cravings, loss of appetite, dehydration

Valentino and Typhokinesis

Valentino's Venom (Expanded)

#HEADCANONS ➽➽➽#And If You Get In My Face Then You’ll Get A Taste Even God Would Run Son (ναℓєитιиσ)#cw venom #cw toxin #cw withdrawals #cw drugs #cw drug use #cw drug abuse

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residences-of-the-darkforest · 2 months

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Dark Forest Resident: Blackclover

TW: This story will contain strong mention of drug addiction.

Aliases / Nicknames: Herb-stealer

Gender: tom

Sexuality: homosexual

Family: Icelily (mother), Pondheart (father), Whistlespring, Firstripe (sisters), Flintarch (mate, formerly)

Other Relations: unnamed mentor, Sandburn (apprentice)

Clan: ShadowClan

Rank: warrior

Characteristics: optimistic (formerly), likes random fun facts, pessimistic, in constant pain

Motive to Harm: to stop his pain

Number of Victims: 2+

Number of Murders: 0

Murder Method: N/A

Method of Harm: clawing in blind rage, destroying herbs

Known Victims: Flintarch, unnamed medicine cat, unnamed Clanmates, unnamed WindClan cats

Victim Profile: his mate, the medicine cat, ShadowClanners, WindClanners

Cause of Death: poppy seed overdose

Cautionary Tale: ??

Story:

His life was good.

His mother loved him, and though his father rarely visited, that didn't affect Blackkit much. He spent enough time preoccupied with nuzzling with Icelily or playing with his sisters or visiting the elders to really notice.

But as an apprentice, he began to see little things. Like how Flintpaw's father cheered just as loud as his mother at his ceremony, and how he always asked his son how his day was. Was that how it was supposed to be like? Or was Flintpaw's family strange?

Blackpaw decided to try it out. After one training session, he approached his father and asked if they could share a sparrow. Pondheart was open to it, but any form of conversation was utterly dull. Anything Blackpaw said, he would only get 'mmms' and 'uh-huhs' in response.

When they were done eating, Blackpaw padded away dejectedly--and walked into Flintpaw, who sympathised, having seen what happened. Blackpaw was on-edge at first, after all Flintpaw had just beaten him quite humiliatingly in training, but it turned out that the older apprentice was really nice!

He asked about the things Blackpaw had mentioned to his father, allowing Blackpaw to talk about them with someone. He wasn't Pondheart, but maybe he was better--after all, he actually listened and talked back. So more and more, Blackpaw would go to him. And Flintpaw would go to him in turn if he had something he wanted to talk about.

They spent more time together. First to talk, then to also play, then to talk and play and patrol together, then it was whatever they wanted to do.

By the time they were young warriors, it was clear that they were the most important cat in each other's lives. Becoming mates felt like the next natural step....though Blackclover was near sweating his fur off at the prospect of Flintarch saying no. He proposed while the two were alone on a dusk patrol, and they slept in a shared nest the following night.

For moons, everything was perfect. Pondheart may be indifferent, but Blackclover cared less and less. He had a wonderful mother, he had the best annoying sisters, and he had the love of his life who he woke to curled around him every morning.

His mentor, too, had been a wonderful guide, and his apprentice had been energetic enough to make him feel as young as a kit.

Then it rained, over and over again until the streams became fast-flowing rivers that swept anything that entered it away.

Sandpaw had been too confident. She thought she could catch a frog that sat on a rock by the shore, but she ended up slipping into the water. Instantly, it began to drag her below to surface and away.

Blackclover ran after her without thinking, not caring about his own safety. He told--practically ordered--Flintarch, who had been with them, to get help while he went after Sandpaw.

He ran and ran until his paw pads bleed and burned, and ran more, then leaped along the stones dotted along the rushing water until at last he could reach Sandpaw's scruff and help swing her to the shore--but she was heavy, the rock was slippery, and the effort of the swing caused him to fall and slam his chest into the ragged edge of the stone.

He was lucky enough to be rescued by the patrol his mate had fetched. But that's as far as his luck would go.

The pain was unbearable.

The medicine cat suspected that he broke three ribs at most, but other than that, she couldn't tell what was happening inside of him. She could only offer him medicine.

Horsetail was applied all around his chest as a precaution to rid of infection and clean the wounds.

There was bindweed and comfrey root, which was wrapped around his chest and the spine behind it so that his bones could heal undisturbed.

He was given coltsfoot once a day to ease his breathing.

But his best friend became the poppy seeds.

The poppy seeds soothed his pain. Even better, they eased his distress.

When he didn't have them, the pain felt as though it was digging in more and more, spreading throughout his body.

His apprentice, who had to be trained under another warrior while he healed, couldn't cheer him up, not even when she received her full name.

His loving mate couldn't distract him against the intense ache, even when they lay wrapped together.

Only the poppy seeds could keep the agony at bay. But the more he ate, the less affective it was. He needed them in higher and higher doses, doses so high that the medicine cat refused to give him what he needed, stating that it was dangerous.

Frustrated and in pain, Blackclover swung his claws in a fit of fury, scratching the healer's muzzle and earning him the ire of his Clanmates.

They didn't understand.

Neither did Flintarch or Sandburn, who tried to help him heal in other ways--stretching his front legs, massaging his chest, breathing deeply. But none of what they tried helped at all.

With each passing day, the pain only dug deeper and sharper, and his only comfort were the poppy seeds that he wasn't even able to take that much of. And now, they didn't relieve him like they did before. It took care of the pain, but only slightly, and their effect fell quickly.

He became desperate. When convincing the medicine cat to give him more failed, he broke into the herb stores himself while she was away. But as he searched, the pain got worse, and he became frustrated again. Near crazed, he threw any herb he came across that weren't the poppy seeds.

The ruckus caught the attention of Flintarch, who attempted to pull him away.

He was angry.

He was so desperate.

In a fit, he swung blindly, and struck his mate.

They had stared at each other in shock. Flintarch's ear was split, dripping blood down the side of his face. He told Blackclover that he had a choice: him or the herbs.

Why couldn't anyone understand?

The medicine cat said that his ribs had healed, there was no reason to continue taking medication.

But the pain was still there. And when the poppy seeds were stored in a hidden area, he only suffered more. He was unable to sleep, he trembled from the anxiety that crashed through his entire body and had sweat through his fur until his nest soaked, the nest that most of the time he was too depressed to rise just to clean it.

Flintarch tried to support him. Blackclover knew it, but he was suffering too much for it to matter.

Then he was put on a battle patrol that was to attack the WindClan camp. The other Clan's medicine den caught his eye...

His leader was furious. The whole Clan was furious. He went too far, destroying their herbs.

They all thought that he wanted to weaken them, but Flintarch saw through that. He told Blackclover that he knew now was Blackclover's choice was, and that they were through.

Their rage, the break-up, it only made his anxiety worse. He was rocked by emotional turmoil at the same time pain stabbed through his chest with every passing second.

He knew what his body was telling him.

He needed the poppy seeds.

At the Half-moon meeting, when the den was unguarded, he snuck in. It took a long time, but at last he found the hidden treasure. He lapped them up, already feeling the relief, and lapped them up more and more. He became a bit confused, and then disoriented, but he shoved the feelings away and kept lapping.

He swallowed down so much, and some of it came back up again, coughed onto the floor in red vomit. Blackclover stared at it, dizzy, then turned his head when he heard his name called.

Silhouetted in the entrance with just enough light to see his features, Flintarch shook his head sadly, ear split and half of his face drenched with blood. He whispered to Blackclover that he made his choice.

Then everything went dark.

Additional Information:

--Another song resident! This one was from @liberhoe who suggested the number 148. The song is Wasted by 8 Graves (lyrics here).

Other songs I have that could connect to the story are When We Die by Yungblud (lyrics in video) and The Mystic by Adam Jensen (lyrics here).

--This took a while to write because 1) I was REALLY tired, 2) I had to write exams and 3) I wanted to have enough energy to really focus on the story and get it right.

--Flintarch in the very end here was just a hallucination. If it had really been him, he would have instantly tried to help.

--Blackclover DID break three ribs, but he had also damaged nerves around the same area that the medicine cat was not able to find, so not only was he in double pain, but when his ribs healed, everyone thought that the pain was in his head or just an excuse to get more medication, which was of course absolutely frustrating.

--Poppy seeds were chosen because they help with pain, help to calm, and can be deadly in high doses (which was why he was cut off).

--The poppy seeds lost their effect because his body became used to it.

--To put it short: Black got injured saving his apprentice. His pain was severe, and the only thing that could soothe him were poppy seeds. Literally nothing else helped his pain, 99-100% due to the actual source of his pain not being treated at all. But he could only have so much before it was dangerous, so the med cat cut him off. But that gave him withdrawal symptoms and that mixed with his physical pains made him feel even worse, to the point that he only cared about finding and taking poppy seeds. As well, others thought that he was faking or being dramatic because his bones healed but his nerves didn't (and they didn't know about the nerve issue). The physical pains, the withdrawal, and the lack of support all made it worse.

--Flintarch tried to help for a long time.

--In the Dark Forest, Blackclover felt incredibly guilty for how he had treated Flintarch, and refused for anyone else to get close to him, because he didn't want to hurt them. But there is a tom that will eventually find his way into his heart.

--For the record, I DO NOT believe that Black should be in the Dark Forest. He was condemned by StarClan, and we all know their way (and to clear up, he was condemned for stealing or destroying herbs which could have had terrible consequences for the sick or injured, attackingtwo of his Clanmates, and going against the orders of both his leader and healer).

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defiedfate · 2 months

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okay but post-drugging, give me Stolas not only addicted to love potion, but becoming very strung out on it.

#wishlist #cw drugging #cw drug addiction #cw drug abuse #dead dove do not eat

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jeffbytes · 2 months

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it's a shame the video is sad bc it's a good piece of art i guess. trigger tagged this to the best of my ability, lmk if i missed any

i'm under my GP's supervision but everything just keeps getting worse and i'm falling back on it more every week. i'll talk to them again tomorrow

addicts deserve less scrutiny and more empathy, vast majority of us ended up in this situation through horrible circumstances we didn't ask for, and want to be better. for me, it started mid last year, when my body re-feminised due to a several month estrogen spike that sent me spiralling into the worst dysphoria i have ever felt, that i haven't since recovered from. i was prescribed diazepam to cope with the daily panic attacks my body was causing and have since developed a dependancy on it ;;

i'm trying my best to recover, it's all i can do for now. i just wish things wouldnt keep happening to me and getting worse and worse and worse bc it's making it so hard to break the cycle. this is but one small part of why top surgery fund cannot fail, i've lost so much of my life to dysphoria and i need this surgery more than anything

#cw addiction #tw addiction #cw drugs #tw drugs #cw drug abuse #tw drug addiction #eyestrain #flash warning #cw gender dysphoria #tw gender dysphoria #jeffs personal posts

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eyzoa · 1 year

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BEN DROWNED || Selfship Playlist || Listen Here

the balled of mona lisa — p!atd

i can't decide — scissor sisters

perfect nothing — ghosts and pals

green eyes — wavves

for the love of god — mindless self indulgence

great vacation — dirt poor robins

cult leader — king mala

riptide — vance joy

sea, swallow me — cocteau twins

i hate myself — twin pumpkin

the president has a sex tape — k.flay

cigarette ahego — penelope scott

rises the moon — liana flores

video games — the young professionals

culling of the fold — the decemberists

little pistols — mother mother

impressive depressive — bad luck

señorita — titanic sinclair

killer — the hoosiers

lemon to a knife fight — wombats

visitation of a ghost — the brobecks

dead moon — brick + mortar

absinthe — idkhbtfm

black cat — never shout never

the mind electric — miracle musical

howl — the family crest

message lost — ferry

anybody else — dom fera

black water — of monsters and men

the cult of dionysis — the orion experience

#ben drowned #creepypasta #ben drowned x reader #creepypasta x reader #playlist #selfship #creepypasta selfship #cw yandere #cw murder #cw yandere themes #cw stalking #cw drug abuse #cw religious themes #cw paranoia

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not-that-dillinger · 3 months

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Edcanons: School Ed-ition

(Or: Ed gets an Ed-ucation)

(okay I'll stop with the puns sorry!)

The muses have decided I should hyperfixate on Ed's younger years and what his experiences with school were like (Probably has to do with watching Mean Girls for the first time but who knows). So here are thoughts...

cw for bullying, drug abuse, and suicide (lmk if I need to tag anything else)...

(under the cut because of cws and also because Wall Of Text)

Elementary:

Everyone knew Ed's father was in prison when Ed was in elementary. There was no avoiding it. The other kids knew it and the Teachers knew it. This lead to a lot of bullying from the other kids.

A lot of the bullying was physical and even resulted in a broken wrist that didn't heal right, but there was at least just as much verbal abuse.

Some of the bullies would blame things (starting fights, stealing things, anything) on him, and because his father was in prison, the teachers often believed the bullies even if he denied it.

He ended up in the principal's office a lot.

Ed was the kid that was constantly reading in class, and reading books far above the level most of the other kids in his grade were reading.

Only real friend was the librarian's daughter. By second grade he usually hid in the library during recess and after class to avoid the bullies.

His vision was bad enough that he needed glasses by third grade.

Fifth grade was hell because his parents were going through divorce.

Middle School:

His father kept moving him between schools, from fifth grade through ninth.

Dillinger Sr. often had his assistant look after Ed while he was out on business for fCon.

Ed also got dragged along on his father's business trips every so often when his assistant couldn't be around to watch after Ed. Ed's classmates were jealous but Ed was always miserable on them.

The longest he stayed at a single school was a year, sometimes he got moved in the middle of the year.

The schools quickly got out of walking/bus range which meant that Dillinger Sr. had to drive him to school, which he wasn't very happy about.

This also resulted in Ed being stuck at school until 5 a lot because his father had late meetings and couldn't pick him up or get his assistant to do it.

Making true friends was very difficult for him. He had some that just wanted to hang around him because his father was rich and thought they could exploit him.

There were some toxic friendships, but at least they were 'friends', right?

Moving schools made it difficult to form any actual connections with his classmates.

The bullying only got worse, including some destroying his books, shoving him into his locker, stealing his lunch, and trying to force him to eat peanuts (peanut allergies) or bread (celiac's disease).

He almost died from the latter and his father was more annoyed at being pulled away from work and having to sit with Ed in the hospital than he was concerned for Ed's health.

The library was his safe space and he spent a lot of time there, but it only helped so much.

Despite all this Ed maintained straight A's in all of his classes.

The one time he got a B in history his father grounded him for a month.

High School:

By the time he was in high school his anxiety was so bad from all the bullying that he frequently got panic attacks.

He got sent to the nurse for one once and when he begged her not to call his father, decided he was faking it for attention.

After that he learned to tell when he was going to panic and would excuse himself to the bathroom and deal with it there.

The smaller class size of his advanced courses helped marginally with the anxiety but he still had frequent panic attacks.

Some time near the beginning of his sophomore year (after getting moved schools for the nth and final time) another kid caught him panicking in the bathroom and got the special education teacher to attempt to help him.

The special education teacher walked him to the nurse, which only made things worse when the nurse suggested calling his father.

It turned into a whole thing but eventually resulted in Ed getting accommodations to sit in the special education classroom while he worked on assignments without his father knowing about it.

The bullying did not stop.

He spent the afternoons at the school library while he waited for his father until the teacher in charge of the theatre club invited him to hang out with them while he waited.

As it turned out a good number of the kids in the theatre club were in his advanced classes.

At first he just sat in a corner and read or worked on homework, but eventually some of the others convinced him to help with the set and costumes, and help the others practice their lines.

Which is how he ended up working the lighting for one of school plays.

During the second play Ed worked the set of, one of the main kids playing the main antagonist ended up in the hospital and couldn't do their part for the show, and so the rest of the Theatre club conscripted Ed to fill in.

As it turns out, Ed was really good at it from helping everyone with their lines and memorizing all the cues while doing stage setup and lighting and everything else.

The rest of the theatre club conscript him play as the villain in the next production.

Ed is startlingly good at acting. The rest of the Theatre Club continued to conscript him to play the villains.

Joining Theatre Club and acting in the plays did WONDERS for Ed's self confidence.

He also ended up making real friends with most of the others.

This also helped with his anxiety and panic disorder to the point where it was reasonably managed.

Ed graduated top of his class but his mental health was still absolutely wrecked.

His father never learned that he did theatre.

College:

Ed had his pick of colleges and could have gone anywhere he wanted.

His father expected him to go to a prestigious school, ideally either one in California or MIT.

Ed refused to apply to any of the state schools because he knew he needed to get away from his father.

He applied to MIT and got in but ended up choosing Carnegie Mellon in Pittsburgh.

His father expected him to do Computer Science, and made it abundantly clear he would not pay for Ed's tuition if he did anything else.

Ed did Computer Science... but also did minors in business and theatre.

Business because his father expected him to eventually run fCon and theatre because he enjoyed it in high school.

He and his freshman roommate ended up as good friends, though his best friend was Hjørdis, Danish Navy veteran who served in Greenland.

Ed ended up adopting her child after she died.

The freedom after living with a very strict parent for so long kinda got to his head and he did a lot of reckless things.

He also did all the stereotypical bad kid things just because he knew it would piss off his dad.

This included doing drugs (heroin?) and he ended up addicted.

Addiction lead to failing classes which lead to a panic attack so bad he attempted suicide by overdose at the end of the spring semester freshman year.

He spent the summer recovering from both the addiction and suicide attempt as well as taking classes.

He stopped doing drugs cold turkey with the help of Hjørdis.

At the end of his sophomore year he had recovered in courses enough that he applied for an internship at Encom knowing the chances of getting it were slim but knowing it was a foot in the door and likely his best chance of getting away from his father.

Someone on the internship application committee saw his potential and was willing to give him a chance despite his questionable record and ties to fCon.

Ed never found out who it was but is ever grateful.

(It was very likely Alan Bradely)

The internship broke anything good about his relationship with his father (if there was anything to begin with).

he impressed the people he worked with so much they offered him the internship again summer before his senior year and then a job once he graduated.

Ed did not graduate at the top of his class because of the stuff that went on Freshman year but did graduate magna cum laude.

#cw suicide #cw drug abuse #cw bullying #/* uh... there's probably more that should be tagged lmk if I missed any */#the voice from the void #edcanons #musings: ed

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