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jrob64 · 18 days

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Long Overdue Conversations - Part 4 (Emma & Killian) A OUAT missing scene

Here is another conversation I feel should have taken place in Once Upon a Time. This one occurs immediately after the 'You traded your ship for me' scene at the end of season 3.

THIS PART IS RATED M!

Previous installments can be found on Tumblr: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

All parts can also be found on Ao3 & FFN

Special thanks to @hookedmom who always makes my stories better with her beta skills and suggestions for making this scene better (and hotter!)

*********

“You traded your ship for me?” Emma asked, amazement evident in her voice.

Killian gave a slight nod. “Aye.”

Then she was kissing him. Not a bruising and frantic kiss like the one in Neverland, but a tender, passionate one that took his breath away all the same. At one point, he had to draw back to look at her, just to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. When she smiled at him and rested her forehead against his, he caressed her cheek, running her silky hair through his fingers, before capturing her willing lips once again.

Their moment was interrupted when Leroy and one of his brothers came bursting through the door of Granny’s, drunkenly singing. It was all Killian could do to keep himself from throttling the dwarfs, but Emma simply squeezed his hand and gave him a soft smile.

“If you don’t have your ship anymore, where are you staying?” she asked.

“The widow Lucas granted me a room at her bed and breakfast.”

“Hmm…” Emma hummed in thought.

Killian tilted his head, waiting for her to continue. After a moment of silence, he asked, “What’s on your mind, Swan?”

Leaning in, she brushed her lips across his cheek. “Give me a minute to say goodbye to my family. I’ll be right back.”

He watched her rise from her seat and ascend the steps into the diner. Before disappearing inside, she turned and smiled at him reassuringly.

While he waited, he touched his fingers to his lips, just as he had after their first kiss. He loved the feeling of Emma Swan’s lips on his and wanted it to linger. Hopefully, he wouldn’t have to wait nearly as long to feel them again.

Sooner than he expected, Emma was back out the door. When she reached him, she took him by the hand, encouraging him to get to his feet. “Come on, pirate.”

“Where are we going, Love?”

She gave him a secretive smile. “To your room.”

In a near state of shock, he followed behind her as she led the way, still gripping his hand tightly. When they entered the lobby, Emma asked, “What’s your room number?”

“Um…four,” he stammered.

“Seriously? That’s the room I had when I first came to town.”

“Aye, the widow Lucas did mention that fact when she gave me the key.”

He trailed closely behind her up the stairs, his hand on the small of her back. He was hesitant to break physical contact with her, for fear she would suddenly disappear. It was Storybrooke, after all.

When they reached his door, he fumbled for the key. Finally withdrawing it from the inside pocket of his leather duster, it slipped from his fingers, clattering to the floor.

Emma bent down and picked it up, smirking as she held it between her fingers. “Nervous, Captain?” she asked, before inserting it into the lock and turning it. The door swung open and they quickly crossed the threshold.

“I’m still trying to determine if this is indeed real, or simply my imagination,” he said. He closed the door and leaned back against it, gripping his belt buckle as he looked up at her through his dark lashes.

“Have you imagined this?” she asked, batting her own lashes at him.

He poked his tongue into his cheek, then ran it over his bottom teeth before answering. “Perhaps.”

Stepping closer, she leaned up to whisper in his ear. “Move away from the door.”

Quirking a curious brow at her, he did as instructed. She held her hands up with her palms flat and facing the door. Closing her eyes, she concentrated until a soft glow emanated from them. Then she moved them slowly to trace around the entire frame of the door.

When she finished, she dropped her hands and turned to face him. Seeing the slight confusion on his face, she explained, “Silencing spell. Granny has supernatural hearing, remember?”

“You’re bloody brilliant, Swan.” He closed the distance between them, reaching up to sift her blonde locks through his fingers, his deep blue eyes boring into hers. “Now that we’re alone…”

Emma shrugged out of her leather jacket and let it drop to the floor, then ran her hands up the front of his vest and under the shoulders of his heavy, leather coat. Understanding her intention, he pulled his arms free when she pushed it off of him.

“Just how much does that thing weigh?” she asked. “And how the hell do you wear it around all the time?”

He grinned at her. “Is that really what you want to think about right now, Love?”

“You have a point. Besides,” she said mischievously, “I’m sure you’ve carried rum barrels heavier than that, right?”

His brows furrowed. “Come again?”

“Just something your former self said when he was carrying me onto his…your…ship.”

“Bloody wanker,” he grumbled. “I should have hit him harder.”

She began undoing the fasteners on his vest. “Is that really what you want to think about right now?” she asked, echoing his words.

“Too right, Love.”

Once the vest joined his coat on the floor, he removed his hook and placed it on the dresser. Then Emma slid his suspenders off his shoulders and started working on the tiny buttons of his billowy, black shirt. “How do you manage these things with one hand? I can’t unbutton them with two.”

“I don’t mess with the buttons. I simply slide it on over my head.”

“That explains why it’s always open practically to your waist.”

“You’ve noticed that, have you?” he asked with a knowing smirk.

“Kinda hard to miss it, with your whole chest on display.” Lifting her eyes to meet his, she abandoned the buttons and slowly ran her fingers through the hair on his chest that had been teasing her ever since she met him in the Enchanted Forest. Hearing him gasp at the contact, she added, “I’ve been wanting to do this for a very long time.”

As her fingertips continued to explore, he dipped his head to capture her lips, his own calloused fingers finding their way under the hem of her turtleneck. He caressed the soft skin he found there, and she moaned into the kiss, “Killian…”

The breathy sound of his name from her sweet lips had him growing hard in an instant. “Swan,” he mumbled, “are you…are you quite sure about this, Love?”

She pulled back to look at him, her pupils dilated with desire. “I told my parents I wouldn’t be home tonight, brought you up to your room, and used magic to make sure no one would hear us. Does that sound like someone who isn’t sure?”

“You told your parents you were going to be with me tonight?”

“Yes. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d rather not talk about them anymore.”

“Agreed,” he chuckled. “Where were we?”

“Right about here,” she said, crossing her arms to grab the bottom of her sweater, then pulling it over her head.

Killian could feel his heartbeat increase as his eyes roamed over her newly bared skin. He would be lying if he said he hadn’t longed for this scenario, but never could he have imagined the absolute perfection of Emma Swan.

“Your turn,” she said, grasping the hem of his shirt to tug it over his head. He tried to stand still as her hands explored the expanse of his chest, moved over his shoulders and down his arms.

He was so busy enjoying her touch and taking in her beautiful form, he had forgotten about his battered, leather brace. When her fingers found it, he involuntarily took a step backwards, pulling his arm away from her.

“Hey, it’s okay,” she said soothingly. “It doesn’t bother me.”

His hand rubbed absentmindedly over the brace. “It…it’s ugly, Swan. It’s been a very long time since I’ve allowed anyone to see it.”

“You don’t have to hide it from me, Killian. It’s part of you and I…well, nothing about you could make me…care for you any less.”

Slowly, he stepped back into her space, his eyes never leaving hers. With practiced fingers, he deftly undid the buckles. After hesitating a few moments, he grasped the brace and twisted it off of his arm. Emma took it from him and laid it on the dresser beside his hook, as he removed the protective cloth covering his stump.

She locked eyes with him again, before dropping her gaze to his arm. Placing one hand under his elbow, she lifted it up while the fingers of her other hand gently traced the raised, jagged scars. “It must have been so painful,” she said quietly.

He swallowed hard, his jaw clenching at the memory. “I…I don’t remember feeling pain when he…when he cut it off. I’d just witnessed him murder Milah and that pain overshadowed everything else. It wasn’t until later, when a crew member cauterized it, that I finally realized how much it hurt. By that time, my grief and anger had taken over and all I wanted to focus on was plotting my revenge.”

Emma bent to press a kiss to the end of his wrist. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that, Killian.”

“It’s long in the past, Love. I would much rather look toward the future.” Using his finger to lift her chin, he gave her a smile. Then he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer. “A future that includes you, I hope.”

In answer, she fused her lips to his, her hands beginning to roam freely over his body. When she slid her hands down inside the back of his trousers and squeezed his ass, he sucked in a ragged breath. “Bloody hell, Swan,” he growled.

“What’s the matter, Captain? Can’t you handle it?”

Before she could utter another word, he skillfully flicked open the button on her jeans and unzipped them. “Let’s see who can’t handle it, shall we?” Then his hand was inside her panties, cupping her mound.

Her surprised gasp turned to a moan of pleasure as his long fingers slid through her slick folds. “I’ve barely touched you and you’re already this wet?” he asked, his voice low and husky in her ear.

“I…I’ve wanted this ever since…” She stopped talking and bit her lip.

“Since when, Swan?” he queried.

“Since…Neverland,” she admitted.

Hearing her finally confess her feelings made his own surge through him in a hot rush. He withdrew his hand and lifted her off the floor. Carrying her across the room, he deposited her on the bed. “Take off your boots,” he commanded, beginning to toe off his own.

She happily complied, then began pushing her jeans down her legs. When they reached her knees, she looked up and felt like all of the oxygen had been sucked out of the room.

Killian was standing in front of her, arms crossed over his chest, dressed in nothing but his leather pants. They were straining against the huge bulge that was right at her eye level. Without conscious thought, her hands reached for him, rubbing his rigid member through the leather.

He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, exhaling the words, “I’ve wanted this for a very long time, too, Emma.”

“Then let’s not wait any longer.”

Her fingers set to work unfastening his pants to free his cock, which she promptly began to stroke. At the same time, he reached behind her and worked at the hooks of her bra. When they were undone, his hand and wrist tugged on the straps and her hands left his shaft long enough to wiggle out of it.

While she resumed her exploration of his sizable cock, he fondled her breasts - squeezing, pinching, rubbing and caressing them, murmuring words of praise for their perfection.

Killian suddenly realized how quickly they were working each other up, and put his hand over Emma’s to stop her stroking. “Can we…can we slow down just a bit, Love? I don’t want this to be over too soon.”

“Yeah, okay,” she said breathlessly. “Why don’t we finish getting undressed?”

“Aye,” he agreed.

Both of them removed their remaining clothes and as Emma laid down in the middle of the bed, she pulled Killian down beside her. He pushed himself up to lean on his left elbow, his fingers dancing along the skin of her belly. “Gods, Love. I’ve never seen a more beautiful woman than you. You’re absolutely stunning.”

Her hand moved up his forearm and bicep, tracing the hard muscles. “So are you, Killian.”

They explored each other’s body with their hands and mouths, whispered words spoken against skin, between kisses, licks and nips. When Killian’s fingers found their way once again to Emma’s most intimate place, she bucked into his hand, clearly craving more.

He nudged her legs further apart with his knee, then slowly slid one finger into her warm, wet channel. “Tell me how that feels, Love,” he implored.

“Feels…amazing,” she complied, her eyes closing of their own accord and her breath coming out in short gasps.

After gliding in and out of her a few times, he pulled his eyes away from the sight to look up at her. “Are you ready for more?”

She nodded her head, biting her lip in anticipation.

On the next pass, he added a second digit. “So bloody perfect, taking me like that, Swan.”

“Killian, I’m going to…you’re going to make me…” she muttered, trying to speak a coherent sentence.

“Don’t hold back. Just let it happen and enjoy it, Love.”

She took his advice and soon she was clenching tightly around his fingers, the evidence of her orgasm further slickening his fingers. As she throbbed around them, he sought friction by rubbing his hard erection against her thigh, then sucked one of her nipples into his mouth.

“Killiannn…” she moaned throatily.

He withdrew his fingers and chuckled lowly against her breast over her huff of annoyance. “Patience, Love. I have something much more…fulfilling…for that greedy quim.”

Instantly, she shifted onto her side and reached down to grasp his cock. “I’m ready when you are,” she breathed hotly into his ear.

With a growl, he flipped her onto her back, causing her to let out a little yelp of surprise. Then he swung himself over her body, hovering over her. Nuzzling into her neck, he murmured, “I don’t know if you noticed, but I was quite taken with that dress we pilfered during our adventure.”

“You mean the one…that made me look like…a bar wench?” she gasped, enjoying what his mouth was doing to her collarbone.

“Mmm, aye,” he hummed. “It certainly made you quite…distracting. And very enticing. I wanted to bury my face right here.” He licked up between her breasts, chuckling again when she uttered a curse.

Emma’s hands slid between them and wrapped around his girth. Widening her legs, she dragged the tip through her soaked folds. At his groan, she whispered, “You did promise to fulfill me, so fill me, Captain.”

He lifted his head to look into her face, giving her a grin. “As you wish.”

Her hand guided him to where she was aching for him and he slowly pushed into her, inch by glorious inch. Her legs wrapped around his hips, hands moving to scratch along his back, which added to the pleasure he was already experiencing from being buried inside the woman for whom he’d been yearning for months. He dropped his head to her chest, giving her a moment to adjust to him, while getting himself under control so he wouldn’t be on the verge too soon.

When he finally began to move, it was at a slow, steady pace. Experimenting with different angles, he took note of what brought the most response from her.

After several blissful minutes, she murmured, “Killian…”

“Yes, Love?”

“Make me see stars,” she requested breathlessly, reaching behind him to squeeze his buttocks almost painfully.

He kissed her and grinned slyly, determined to meet her challenge. Dropping to his elbows on either side of her, he began thrusting faster and deeper, until he was plunging into her with abandon, eliciting a loud exclamation from her each time he filled her.

He was getting close to his peak, but didn’t want to reach it before she did, so he caught her nipple in his mouth again, alternating flicking it with his tongue and sucking hard. His actions had the desired effect and soon she was screaming through her release, her head thrashing on the pillow, while her throbbing cunt rippled along his engorged cock.

“Bloody…fucking…hell,” he grunted, thrusting eratically, until he exploded, filling her with streams of his hot release. Not wanting to crush her, he rolled them over, sprawling her sweat-slicked body over his own.

Neither knew how long they laid there, trying to get their breathing and heart rates under control. He heard her mumble something into his chest, but couldn’t make out the words. Raising his leaden arm, he brushed her hair away from her face. “What did you say, Love?”

She lifted her face to peer into his. “You did it.”

“Did what?” he asked, thoroughly puzzled.

“Made me see stars…and several planets.”

He laughed, then pressed a kiss to the crown of her head. “I’m glad to hear it, because you definitely did the same for me.”

“Good thing I soundproofed the room, huh?”

“Aye, Love. I don’t think I would be able to meet Granny’s eyes tomorrow morning if you hadn’t.”

It was her turn to laugh. As they lay in silence, she skimmed her fingers through the hair on his chest, enjoying the sighs of pleasure from him.

After several peaceful minutes, Emma said, “Killian?”

“Hmm?”

“I would have chosen you.”

He opened his eyes to see her looking at him earnestly. “Chosen me for what?”

“Remember back in Neverland when you told me I would have to choose between you and Neal?”

“Aye.”

“Even if Neal hadn’t…died, I still would have chosen you.”

He lifted his head from the pillow to peer at her more closely. “Truly?”

“Yeah. Well, to be honest, it wasn’t ever a contest between the two of you.” She watched him studying her closely, before adding, “Is that difficult for you to believe?”

“I saw how much his death impacted you and thought perhaps, given the chance, the two of you might have rekindled your relationship.”

“We actually had a really nice conversation just before I realized he was sharing a body with his father, and I felt like we were in a good place with each other at the end. Neal will always be my first love and Henry’s father, so he has a special spot in my heart; but…after what he did to me, I would have never been able to completely trust him. You, on the other hand, have never given me any reason not to trust you. You’ve proven time and time again that you’re in my corner, that you believe in me…”

“Of course I do, Emma. You’re the most determined and assiduous woman I’ve ever met. I trust you with my life…and my heart.”

She tilted her head and smiled softly. “I trust you with mine, too. I think you know me well enough to know I didn’t come to that decision lightly.”

He reached up to twist a lock of her hair around his finger. “Aye, that I do. I feel incredibly honored to hold your trust, Love, especially when not so very long ago, you chained me at the top of a beanstalk because you didn’t trust me.”

“That’s not why I chained you there.”

“No?” he questioned.

She shook her head. “If you recall, I told you I couldn’t take the chance of being wrong about you. Even then, I sensed I could trust you, and that scared the shit out of me.”

“That’s because you thought I was nothing but a pirate, as did the rest of your family. Your father used those exact words in Neverland.”

“Yeah, well, you proved us all wrong.” She cupped his face in the palm of her hand. “You’re a good man, Killian Jones.”

He smiled. “During our adventure back in the Enchanted Forest, when Dave didn’t know who I was, he told me your parents would be crazy not to approve of me as your suitor. I told him I hoped he would remember that.”

“He’s coming around. Give him time and you’ll probably end up being his best friend.”

He wrapped his arms around her more tightly, taking advantage of having her naked form pressed against him. She laid her head on his chest, humming happily.

Later, when they were cleaned up and she was asleep in his arms, wearing nothing but one of his thin black shirts, their conversation ran through his mind again. When Neal died, he saw how grief-stricken Emma was, and assumed she would have chosen the other man, had he lived. He was Henry’s father, after all, and Killian thought that connection between Emma and Neal would be enough for her to try to make their relationship work.

Hearing her say she would have chosen Killian made him happier than he had been for centuries. He fell asleep with his nose buried in her hair and a smile on his face. Tomorrow, they would probably face some sort of crisis, but tonight, Emma Swan was his and hopefully would remain his for the long haul.

*********

I hope you agree that this is a scene we all needed!

TAG LIST:

@qualitycoffeethings @grimmswan @cs-rylie @wyntereyez @kmomof4 @hookedmom @ultraluckycatnd @paradiselady19 @xarandomdreamx @motherkatereloyshipper @lfh1226-linda @pawshapedheart @vampcoffeegyrl23 @tiganasummertree @bluewildcatfanatic @eleveneitherway @elfiola @kday426 @julieenchanted-swans @gingerchangeling @andiirivera @djlbg @jonesfandomfanatic @snowbellewells @anmylica @booksteaandtoomuchtv @cocohook38 @ilovemesomekillianjones @zaharadessert @lyssapup27 @undercaffinatednightmare @winterbaby89 @jennjenn615 @xsajx @jackieorioncat @teamhook @soniccat @jarienn972 @softkilly @kymbersmith-90 @apiratewhopines

#long overdue conversations #part 4 #emma & killian #jrob64 #art by jrob 64 #cs missing scene #captain swan fanfic #cs smut #set at the end of season 3

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random-lil-illing · 1 month

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screenshot redraw of everyone’s favourite hacker!! i may have gone a little overboard with the neon, haha. do i regret it though? not at all.

#my art #art #digital art #finished art #fanart #carmen sandiego netflix #carmen sandiego player #carmen sandiego fanart #carmen sandiego #carmen sandiego 2019 #carmen sandeigo #cs player #cs player fanart #player #player bouchard #player bouchard fanart #carmen sandiego season 4 #screenshot redraw #screencap redraw #screencap #screenshot #redraw #this screenshot redraw made me realise just how different the player in my head is to the player in canon. huh #also for those who cant see the picture on their shirt its supposed to be a pic of 6arelyhumans profile pic :3 #i apologise for the shit quality i genuinely don’t know what happened there. ill try to correct it next time i do a redraw #listen i think theyd get bullied by people in a higher grade then them. but the people in their grade would be OBSESSED with them #my boy introduced themself as player and then like. 2 thousand dollars worth of electronics started ringing in their bag #the people in their class would have a conspiracy gc about them you cannot convince me otherwise. theyre the school cryptid #anyway enough rambling #enjoy the burnt food

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kazoosandfannypacks · 6 months

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kazzy's ficrec moodboards: please, be mine by @booksteaandtoomuchtv

when his best friend's long-term boyfriend cancels on her again, killian offers to take her out. can he use this opportunity to win her heart?

#what? did you think i was just gonna make these for my own fics? no ma'am!#once upon a time #killian jones #emma swan #captain swan #fic rec #cs ff #kazzy's moodboards #kazzy's fanfic moodboards #once upon a time season 4 #otp: try something new darling

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vasfasan · 8 days

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#ouat #once upon a time #killian jones #emma swan #captain swan #cs #ouat s4 #ouat season 4 #ouat s5 #ouat season 5

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happy-emmdings · 11 months

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Survivor’s Heart

on AO3 Category: one shot, missing scene, canon compliant

Summary: Emma and Killian have a long conversation after his heart is back where it belongs. Honest explanations lead to some long needed revelations. More walls are brought down to bring them closer than ever before. Set at the end of episode 4x11.

Word count: 3 462

Author’s note: This has been sitting in my drafts for quite some time… Anyway, Regina can do shots on her own, Emma just almost witnessed the love her life get murdered. No one will convince me that she didn’t stay with him longer after that.

Holding a beating heart in her hands is such a strange sensation. Holding his heart. She cradles it, gently with both hands, marveling at the bright red glow, even if stained with some inky splotches swimming inside. It beats gently and steadily. It's warm and smooth and she's afraid she'll drop it. She can't help but ponder the fragility of it as well as the incredible resilience with which it has survived despite everything. She can't get the image of what happened earlier out of her head. Killian powerlessly sinking to his knees, screaming in pain as Gold squeezes his cruel hand. The feeling of being frozen in place and rendered utterly powerless to stop it was the worst part. A few more seconds and had Belle not turned up... She doesn't even want to go there.

She looks up at him, fully aware of how vulnerable and trusting he is being with her in that moment. His smile is genuine, his eyes so soft as he nods a little, letting her know he feels safe with his heart in her hands.

"You know I've never really done this before, right?" she bites her lip nervously.

"Held my heart? You've done it longer than you know," he teases.

"You know what I mean," she rolls her eyes despite the seriousness of the moment.

"Just be gen-"

Too late. Emma plunges the heart into his chest, deciding to do it quickly – like ripping of a band aid. It knocks the wind right out of him. Ooh, it looks like it hurt.

She goes to apologize but he cuts her off midsentence with a passionate kiss. And there's no doubt in her mind, it's all of him again. Her back hits the wall and she continues to kiss him as he leans in closer. They both savor the moment. Precious and intimate. The relief is almost intoxicating.

He pulls away ever so slightly, their foreheads and noses still touching. She reluctantly lets him, biting her lip and smiling.

"I told you, Swan," he whispers into the gap between their lips, holding her gaze with soft, reassuring eyes. "I'm a survivor."

—

They make their way upstairs to have some privacy. They are both relieved to be safe and alive but there's still a lot to talk about and they are aware of that too. Killian invites her into the room where he has been staying ever since he brought her back to Storybrooke, since he doesn't have his ship.

It's pretty bare, except for the old-fashioned furniture and shoddy decor, the room has little personality. He didn't exactly bring luggage with him from the Enchanted Forest. It reminds her of the time when she first arrived here, before she even moved to Mary Margaret's and stayed in a room just like this.

He takes his leather jacket off and hangs it on a chair, then pulls out a second chair and offers her to sit. He sits opposite her on the bed. Suddenly, anxious tension settles on his shoulders. He looks down at his hand fidgeting with his hook and lets out a deep breath.

"I- " he says quietly but fumbles.

She reaches out to hold his hand encouragingly, letting him know he can tell her anything. She supposes this is how she learns why he was in that whole mess in the first place. On the walk to Granny’s, he only briefly explained that Gold was trying to free himself from the dagger and crushing his heart was part of it, but he hasn't said much else. She suspects his heart has been out of his chest for longer than just tonight. She recalls the moment earlier that day when he brought the news of the portal, acting so bizarrely unlike himself. The absent look in his eyes, the fleeting, dispassionate kiss, the way his hand held onto her as if it had a mind of its own, fighting against an invisible force, gripping her so tightly as it shook... like a drowning man grasping his only lifeline.

And she starts thinking back, searching her memory for earlier signs like this. She feels a sharp pang of guilt. She let him down. She should have... she should have been able to save him. She was so preoccupied with everything while Gold was playing this sick game of his and she didn't notice. And she almost lost him. God, she almost lost him.

"I suppose I owe you some explanations," he says.

"Yeah," she says softly, "you wanna tell me how this whole mess started? How long did he... you know, have your heart?"

He cringes, probably as he recalls the events, he is about to relay to her.

"Remember the other day... when you were about to give up your powers? At the seaside mansion?"

"Oh my god," she frowns. She feels another bite of guilt. Gold had been doing this to him for days and she hasn't noticed until today. A knot forms in her stomach at the idea of Rumplestiltskin ripping out Killian's heart, while she was... she stops in her tracks, as it dawns on her.

"Wait. But that was Gold's idea. Was that... some kind of trap?"

Killian scoffs bitterly, looking down at their joint hands.

"Luckily, you were clever enough to not walk into it," he says with a hint of a smile. "Unlike me, that's for sure. I was a bloody fool, Swan. I made so many mistakes."

He looks up at her and the look in his eyes is raw and scared and tinged with anger. Not at her, but at himself.

"Killian?" she prompts him to continue but waits patiently.

"I suppose I should start from the beginning," he says, caressing his hook like he's remembering something.

"The beginning?" she gives him a confused look.

"Our date. My... hand. That's how I got myself entangled in all kinds of shady dealings with the crocodile. That's how I came to know his plans. How I walked into his trap."

"I remember. You had your hook back the next day, you said the Dark One's magic wasn't what you expected."

"Aye," he smiles bitterly and takes a deep breath. Emma senses a story coming and braces herself.

He spills his guts. He tells her about blackmailing Gold into giving him his hand back so that he could hold her with both hands. He tells her how Gold told him the hand would bring out the worst in him, make him the violent, ruthless pirate he once was. He didn't listen. She aches for him when she realizes how he still misses being able to use two hands, despite being used and well-adjusted to his hook for centuries. Why was it the date that prompted him to make such a request to the Dark One? Did he feel like holding her with one hand wasn't enough? Was it not enough for him or did he think it wasn't enough for her? She recalls all the throwaway remarks people – unfortunately including herself at a few occasions – have made about him only having one hand.

She struggles to find the right words, instead she just takes both his hook and hand in her hands. She wants him to know she accepts him as he is, that she never thought less of him for the lack of a hand, that she's actually fond of the hook, that he's enough.

He recounts the run-in with the thief in the restaurant and his fear of losing control. She takes it all in. This is where the story gets darker.

He explains how he didn't want to revert back to the man he used to be, how he wanted to be better, how he wanted to be someone he could one day be proud of, how he wanted to be someone she could be proud of too. The thought of that being ruined by a foolish deal with the Dark One was something he couldn't bear. He admits he tried blackmailing his way out of it but Gold outsmarted him and he ended up making a blind deal.

Emma leans back a little when he tells her he helped Gold capture some old man into a magical hat that sucked power out of people and pulled them in too. Gold finally rid him of his hand after that, but kept the security tape for blackmail.

"I should have just told you, I'm sorry," he says.

Emma doesn't react right away. She's taking it all in. Mixed emotions swirl in her head at those revelations. The way he went about it was wrong, she knows. She's a little mad. But there's one more thing she realizes. Killian was so desperate to be a better man, that he begged his enemy to take his hand away, again. He had wanted it back so badly, but the moment he felt like his progress was threatened, he was willing to do anything to set things right. Ironically, resulting to some morally questionable behavior. It was all so crazy and ironic. But the fact that this man was willing to give up his hand to make sure he would be a better person makes Emma stare at him in astonishment. He made so many mistakes, of course, but his heart was in the right place. At his core he is a good person and she finds it hard to believe anything could undo that. The Dark One is full of nasty lies and tricks.

"You're right. You should have told me. I would have forgiven you, you know. But I don't understand how this led to Gold taking your heart."

"I think he would have stolen it either way, since he needed it for his wretched schemes, but... when you called to tell your mother about getting rid of your powers... I remembered the magic hat and what it did to the poor old man. I realized the crocodile was planning to do the same to you. I called you and said all of this in that, you know, uh...voicemail. But the bloody crocodile erased it. I found out where he sent you but when I got there, he was ready for me."

Emma gulps. This is when it happens.

"He... was going to make me watch as you used the hat on yourself. But you didn't. Because you're bloody brilliant and so is your magic, Swan."

She blushes despite everything.

"So then he...?" she trails off.

"Aye."

He puts his hand over his heart as if to check it's still there, wincing slightly as he remembers the pain and how it felt to have his body invaded by the man he hated most.

"But why did he let you go? I mean... why did he wait until tonight to..."

He gets what she's asking.

"Well, he needed to fill the bloody hat with magic first and he kept going on about the stars in the sky aligning with the constellations on the hat and whatnot. My heart was only one ingredient... because I'm the only living person who knew him before he was tied to that dagger. First, he needed me to do his dirty work. Like capturing the fairies in the hat. Aye, that was me. Or him. When he... had my heart... he was fully in control of me."

A shiver goes through his entire body. Emma stands up from the chair and comes to sit next to his side. Her hand rests on his hook.

"I couldn't fight it. I couldn't do anything he forbid me to do. I had to listen to every command. I wasn't in control of myself. He made me a bloody slave." His voice is thick with emotion, especially the last word lingers in the air.

"Killian, I..." she cups his cheek in her hand and gently turns him to face her. "I'm so sorry."

"You're sorry?" he asks incredulously. "For what?"

"I don't know, I should have done something. I should have... noticed."

"You did, though, didn't you?"

"But it was almost too late," she shakes her head. "When you... when you talked to me earlier today and it wasn't you, when you grabbed onto my hand and tried to warn me... I knew something was wrong. I knew, I... Every part of me was screaming to do something, to follow you, to find out what the hell is happening. But I didn't. I didn't, because I thought I could check on you later. I thought I could resolve the case at hand and then I could check on you..." it takes every one of her metaphorical walls to not break down as she says that and tries not to think about what almost happened. Her voice is raw and husky but she holds it together.

"I didn't die," he reminds her. "And I'm not going to any time soon."

She smiles and strokes his cheek.

"Can you forgive me?" he asks, looking at her with uncertain eyes.

She leans in and kisses him softly on the lips. She tells him that yes, she forgives him for what he did before Gold had his heart and that whatever he did after is not on him. What she doesn't tell him is that she can feel herself falling deeper in love, the pull of his gravity growing stronger than ever. She finds herself loving him even as he reveals his flaws. Not that she ever thought he was flawless. She knew what she was getting herself into from the start – which is more than she can say for any of her other past relationships, she thinks bitterly.

She has held his heart in her hands today. She saw how bright and red it was, she also saw the dark spots inside it. Still, she found it strangely beautiful just the way it was.

She thinks she might truly love him. Because his darkness doesn't scare her away. His goodness pulls her in. Anyone could clearly tell which color was dominant in his heart. She embraces him despite his mistakes, including his mistakes.

But she can't say it out loud, because it scares her just how intense and real that feeling is, how strongly her heart burns as he lets her read him like a book, uncovering pages he would rather rip out. She doesn't think she's ever felt this way about anyone, not even Neal. After all, Neal never let her in like this. It's confusing and scary and she almost wants to run away. So instead, she kisses him, hoping to leave no room for thought.

"I'm glad you're okay," she whispers when they come apart to take a breath.

"I'm glad you are. And that I'm free again," he admits and there is something in his voice that she can't quite decipher. Something is still bothering him. She pulls away to get a better look at him.

"What is it?" she asks.

He leans against the bed frame and takes a deep breath. She sits opposite him, watching him attentively.

"I was a slave," he says so quietly she's not sure she hears correctly.

She's a little confused. He's said that already but this time it sounds a little different.

"To Gold? You don't have to worry about him anymore," she comforts him.

"No, I mean..." he hesitates.

She leans in, frowning in concern.

"I mean when I was a child... It was so long ago, I know it shouldn't bother me anymore but..."

"Did you say when you were a child?" she interrupts him.

He doesn't look at her, only nods his head slightly.

"It’s been so long, I know. But while Neverland keeps you young even for centuries, it's not exactly a place where you can forget your early years. And now... the last few days have stirred up some unpleasant memories."

"I thought," she fumbles, "I thought you were in the royal navy. David said... in Neverland..."

"I was," he nods. "But not always. Liam was the one who made that possible for us."

He laughs bitterly, reaching almost reflexively to where he keeps his flask, but then his hand jerks back.

"If it had depended on me, we never would have made it. I owe him so much. He never gave up on me," he smiles, his eyes glistening.

There's fondness in that sentiment, there's pain too. After all these years, he still loves his brother and misses him just like he has missed his first love for so long. He's not one to let go easily. Emma understands that all too well.

"I never realized there was slavery in the Enchanted Forest," she whispers. "That's awful."

"Maybe not anymore in your parents' era. But two hundred years ago, yeah."

"Were you... born into it?" she asks, afraid she might be getting too bold, too personal, that he will shut her out.

He shakes his head. "No. No, I have my father to thank for that actually."

The scorn on his face when he speaks about his father could rival his disdain for Rumplestiltskin.

"He was a cowardly bastard. When Liam and I were little, he secured passage on a ship for the three of us, fabricating this fantastical tale about going to travel the world. Turned out he was lying through his teeth. One night I woke up and he was gone. He sold us for a boat to save his arse from soldiers waiting for him in port. I never even learned what crime he was running from. Didn't matter though, because the cost of his freedom was Liam's and mine to pay."

Emma stares at him, horrified, but trying not to look like she's pitying him. Somehow, she isn't surprised that he is no stranger to abandonment. Yet another thing they have in common, another thing that makes them understand each other so well.

They all share the same look in their eyes. The look you get when you've been left alone.

I just wanted to let you know that I, too, know what it feels like... to lose hope.

Perhaps the wounds that are made when we are young tend to linger.

Believe it or not, I was once a child.

The little moments start to come together like pieces of a puzzle and she realizes it was in front of her this entire time. She feels bad for dismissing him before. She didn't expect this.

"I never want to be someone's servant again," he confesses under his breath.

"That's horrible," she says.

"I'm sorry for... spilling all this on you," he apologizes nervously, afraid he might have revealed too much.

"No," she stops him. "It's okay. I mean, thank you for telling me. I know it's not easy to talk about things like that."

"Yeah," he smirks knowingly.

She scoots over to sit next to him, resting her head on his shoulder.

"You can talk about it if you want," she assures him softly. "Or not. I'm not going anywhere."

She can almost feel a wall crumbling down between them, bringing them closer. She's not sure if the wall is hers or his. Probably both. But it's down now. They're stepping into a new territory, taking a leap of faith. There is a new kind of understanding that somehow makes it easier to breathe.

They talk for hours that night, well past midnight. They just sit together and talk. About serious things at first. Killian describes staring at the ocean the first few weeks after his father left, trying to convince himself it was a lie, looking for a sign of him on the ocean's surface or a glimpse of his face in the crowded harbors, hoping that he would come back for them, until one day he started hoping his father was dead. Emma recounts her first few foster homes, the way she always let herself hope that she could be loved there... until the concept of it started to seem unbelievable.

After a while, they leave the traumas behind as the conversation organically shifts to more pleasant topics. They even end up laughing at the end until there is no tension left in their bodies. Emma kicks her shoes off and leans her head against his shoulder, her hand rests on his chest over his beating heart. She doesn't know when she falls asleep but she wakes up in his embrace to a quiet, sunlit room, still wearing the same clothes as yesterday. As is he.

It’s a new bright day and they are both free. There is no Dark One in town and the past is put to rest, at least for now. She rests her head on his chest and listens to his steady heartbeat.

#ouat fanfic #ouat 4x11 #captain swan fanfic #captain swan #killian jones #emma swan #CS one shot #once upon a time season 4 #i’ve always loved the scene where she returns his heart with a burning passion #and i’ve always wished there was more✨#guess i have to do it myself #one shot #missing scene fic #nya writes

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cosette141 · 1 year

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Don't Let Go (Because I Can't Hold it Back Anymore) | OUAT fanfic

Because I apparently never put this fic on tumblr

Fandom: Once Upon A Time Pairing: Captain Swan Author: cosette141 Words: 26k Summary: (canon divergence for s4 episode "White Out") Rather than Emma and Elsa trapped in the ice cave, Emma is trapped with Killian. They have to keep warm and stay awake as they fight the frigid cold, or their first quiet moment together may very well be their last. h/c CS (CSSS 2021 gift for jrob64!)

AO3

Chapter One

Killian followed the ice wall, thankful that his heavycoat was keeping out most of the chill of the night.

After receiving Emma's… what do they call it? Talking call? He'd done as she asked, scoping out the mysterious wall that erected overnight. It was far too high and too icy to climb over, and the cold alone was enough to keep Killian from standing too close to it as he walked its length toward the town line where Emma said she and her father would be waiting.

He heard them before he saw them, and he couldn't help the little tilt of his lips when he heard the sound of her voice.

Stepping out from the trees, Killian saw her standing with her father, both of whom were regarding the ice wall.

"In case you were wondering," said Killian, gaining their attention, "it goes the whole way around."

Both of them looked over as he stepped out from the forest, a comfortable, perhaps slightly smug, smile on his face. He saw something flicker in Emma's eyes when she saw him, and he liked to think it was some brief contentment in his company.

Yet, the look on David's face was anything but.

It seemed like Killian had managed to do something to irritate the prince before even having arrived.

"Hook," said David, and Killian heard that irritation color his words thickly. "I didn't know you would be joining us."

Truthfully, Killian himself was less than pleased when Emma told him to meet her and her father, so he understood the feeling.

Because Killian had built quite the residence on David's nerves, he allowed his smugness to grow. "I get a distressed call from a fair maiden," he said with a flick of his eyes to Emma, seeing her brow raise in an unimpressed look the way he knew it would, "and I'm on the spot."

"I was not distressed," said Emma with a slight roll of her eyes. "And you're saying, what, this wall goes around the whole town?"

"That it does."

"So, once again," said David, "we can't leave Storybrooke."

"Doing more than keeping us inside, by the looks of it," said Killian, eyeing the wall distrustfully. It didn't look as if it were made from do-gooding fairies or any of the snuggly sort. Killian's gaze followed the ice and snow until he saw the large, crumpled metal structure lying in a heap on the ground, surrounded by tangled coils of black cords and broken glass. From what he's gleaned from this town, he's seen them spark what Emma coined electricity. "I guess that's what caused the loss of power?" He asked, looking to Emma for confirmation.

If he wasn't mistaken, her brows rose with surprise. "When did you become a twenty-first century man?" Killian did his best not to let onto the fact that impressing her pleased him. "Yeah," Emma went on. "It looks to me like whoever was putting up the wall wasn't trying to take out the lights, they were just… putting up the wall." That smile of hers faded, once again her attention taken by the endless strings of danger that seemed to follow her.

Her father's gaze followed hers. "To keep us in," he agreed. "Why?"

"Kill us all, one by one." Killian smiled goodnaturedly, even when both of them gave him looks. He shrugged. "It's what I'd do."

What I used to do.

For he wasn't that man anymore.

And the woman not a yard away from him was why.

Some garbled voice laced with static sounded from the driving vessel, and David turned back to go check it.

Perfect.

Killian stepped into the space David had once stood in, finding himself next to Emma. The indescribable urge to touch her, to kiss her welled in his entire being, but he attempted to keep it at bay.

Only days ago, they'd gotten back from their trip to the past.

Only days ago, he'd finally given up his secret to Emma—how he got to her. Trading his ship–his beloved ship–for the magic bean that would take him back to her realm.

And only days ago, Emma had kissed him.

Given into what Killian could only hope—only dream—she'd been fighting for as long as he had.

It was the second time they kissed, yet it was nothing like the first.

The first was desperate and fueled by passion and doomed to be what Emma had firmly said: a one-time thing.

But the second…

She'd proven herself wrong, and she'd kissed him again. Made the choice herself, for Killian knew by now, Emma was equal to that of a frightened animal when it came to anything emotional. He had to let her lead this all the way through. He was a patient man. And more than that…

She was worth it.

That recent kiss…

Killian could still taste her.

It was something soft and sweet and so unlike the persona that Emma puts out, this armor she wears. For as tough as she likes to be perceived, Emma is one of the most innocent souls he's ever met, and also one of the most damaged. And how anyone could damage someone as pure as Emma…

One day, he might ask her for some names, and decide to teach a few people a very painful lesson.

But the other day, their moment wasn't rushed.

It wasn't desperate.

She'd kissed him, and he'd felt himself melt.

Everything he's waited for.

All that time, after all of her attempts to push him away, he'd truly wondered if he was chasing after someone who simply would never want him in return.

She'd disappeared after they'd gotten back from the past, and he'd thought perhaps he misread it all. Even the moments trapped in the past… he could still feel her against his chest, could still feel her crumble into his embrace in a way that suggested she trusted him, in a way he might have fooled himself into thinking she needed him, even for just a moment.

He'd sat outside the diner that night while she and her family celebrated the baby, alone with his thoughts and rum, facing the terrifying thought of what if she doesn't want him? What the bloody hell was he to do then? He'd never call the time he spent chasing her, the things he'd done for her, the times he'd saved her as wasted time. To him, it was a dream, a gift, a privilege that he played any part in her life.

But the idea that she could want him back, that he could have her without having to chase her, without having to fight her walls every step of the way…

It was something he wanted so badly it hurt.

But that night, when that diner door opened, when she'd come outside with a gaze that was looking specifically for him….

His hope had flared, a dying firelight flickering in a windstorm.

"How did you do it? How did you get to me?"

He'd never intended to tell her.

The idea of telling her felt as vulnerably naked as when he'd been forced to reveal the depth of his feelings for her in the Echo Cave. When he knew that even if she'd felt an attraction for him, even if she felt something, it was too soon. No matter what feelings she might have had, she'd fight it to the bloody death before admitting it, especially to herself.

And this, this secret, how he'd gotten to her… it felt just as… revealing, if not so much more.

He'd, more than once, told her how much his ship meant to him.

His ship, for so many years, had been his one and only love, and ever since he and Liam had commandeered the Jewel and since she'd become the Jolly, had been his home.

Until…

Killian took a moment to look at Emma, even when her attention was drawn to the ice wall.

Home was no longer a place to him.

He felt something tug at his lips, looking at the only home he'll ever need for the rest of his days.

He'd been so afraid to tell her such a thing—for he already knew with a painful certainty that he was in love with this woman, far deeper even than Milah, which he once would have never, ever believed could be possible, and only recently admitted to himself—and it almost felt as if telling Emma how he managed to get to her realm was saying those three words all the same.

And after all the times she's pushed him away…

"How about you try cursing the lips of someone I'll actually kiss."

He knew she had been scared.

He knew that Emma knew admitting to Zelena that she felt anything for him was a dangerous move.

And Killian knew Emma didn't mean it.

But it didn't mean it didn't hurt.

And it also didn't mean it didn't make him worry that there was truth in those words.

If he told her what happened to his ship…

If he told her what he gave up for her…

If he told her before she was ready to accept her own feelings for him, if he told her before she even had any…

He was terrified it would scare her away for good.

He was bloody terrified that a rejection from her at this point would be a break his weathered heart finally couldn't take.

But that night outside the diner, that look in her eyes…

Something had changed, after they'd gone back in time.

He'd felt it, he knew it was finally mutual, and that look in her eyes as she waited for his response…

She was ready.

He could see it.

He could feel it.

She might still be as hesitant as a fawn alone in the woods, but…

She wanted it.

And that kiss…

Her choice…

That night was proof that his doubts were wrong.

It was proof that she did want him.

And what he felt from her in that glorious moment, a moment that he re-lived from the moment she'd left him that night to every moment since…

He finally had the answer to the terrifying question he's had since Neverland.

She wanted him.

He knew she did.

But right here, standing next to her amidst the newest town dilemma, he could see it in her face.

Her walls were as solid and imposing as the ice wall in question.

And now that he knew she wanted it, knew that she was only scared…

He was determined to take those walls down completely.

Unravel her, and heal as much of the damage that had been done to her in her life.

"Be patient."

He was a patient man.

But he had a feeling that Emma would only keep running if someone wasn't there to stop her.

"I ran. It's just what I did."

He'd follow her anywhere, but he was ready to not have to chase her.

So, gently, Killian took a breath, and attempted to try to hack at her walls, and reveal the Emma he knew and loved inside.

He treaded carefully, saying lightly, "Oh! I should have brought the champagne."

His abrupt change in subject grabbed her attention, and she looked at him like he was mental. "What?"

"To celebrate our second date," he said smoothly. "And… because we've got the world's largest ice bucket," he added, gesturing to the wall.

"Second date?" she asked, and he felt himself smile wider because she was playing along. "Did I miss the first?"

"Aye," he said. "Snow monster's the first, ice wall's the second." And treading even more carefully, yet rising to those imposing walls of hers, he said, "After all, if I only count the quiet dinners, we wouldn't even get one."

It was a push, he knew it, but he had quite the idea that Emma wasn't planning on making any move herself. It was a slightly firmer push than the more gentle ones he's made since that glorious moment, allowing her to avoid him, allowing her to take her own time.

But Killian knew it was only her fear, those damn walls keeping her from truly being with him.

A man unwilling to fight for what he wants, deserves what he gets.

He was ready to fight those walls of hers with everything he had, one scratch a time.

Killian watched her carefully as she looked away from him, shifting her stance like she was unsure, but then in pure Emma-fashion, her eyes caught hold of a distraction. And just like that, he and his attempts were forgotten with her whisper of, "Hang on, I think I see something behind the wall."

Killian let out a breath, hanging his head a little in defeat.

"Wait here with the ice bucket while I check that out," murmured Emma, still not looking at him, her full attention drawn to the supposed danger.

Emma started toward the wall, and Killian tried to think of another way to approach the subject in a way that wouldn't scare her off when David returned, stopping to stand beside him. "I think it's time you and I have a little chat about your intentions with my daughter."

Killian's brow rose. The tone of his voice suggested this was a long-time coming. Though at least now he understood the irritation from earlier.

Not exactly in the mood, because it seemed it would be years before anything even remotely happened with his daughter, Killian couldn't exactly hide the edge to his voice. "That's a little old fashioned, even by my standards," he muttered. "And I still pay with doubloons."

David swung the flashlight beam around, as if his full attention wasn't on his attempt to intimidate Killian, which was quite impossible. "Remember," said David, "I know your reputation. Emma's not some conquest."

Killian's brow hitched even higher at that, because did he honestly think that's what this was about? David has seen the amount of times Killian has risked his life for Emma, from Neverland to the Wicked Witch, to their trip to the past, where David had physically witnessed the lengths Killian would go for her. Killian would not have given up his revenge and traded his damn ship simply for a good time with a beautiful woman.

Feeling his own frustrated heat, he said firmly, "I wouldn't risk my life for someone I see as loot." David said nothing, and Killian went on, just as firmly, "Whatever we become, it's up to her as much as me." Killian kept his gaze firmly on David until the prince finally turned to look him in the face. Killian held his gaze, and when the prince was still silent, lifted his brow as if to dare David to contest the truth in his words.

David held his gaze, looking the slightest bit surprised at the amount of emotion in Killian's eyes. Perhaps David was only trying to make up for lost time as a father, perhaps it was just his way of trying to protect her when she was already all grown up, but the insinuation that Killian would use Emma was something that disgusted him. And after all this time, for David to even suggest it…

Hadn't he done enough to prove the lengths to which he'd go for Emma?

It seemed, unfortunately, that it was a constant battle to prove himself to both Emma and her family, no matter what he did.

David gave a little nod, but there was still a question in his eyes. Small, faint, but there.

Pirate.

Killian let out a breath.

He'd just have to prove himself.

Again.

But if he was being honest with himself, the life he led and the man they had met so long ago certainly warranted such distrust.

But he was really, really ready to be free of that curse.

Whether he brought it on himself or not.

"Oh–"

Both Killian and David looked over at the sound of Emma's quiet, startled voice.

They could faintly make out the conversation she seemed to have with someone else as both men rushed toward the wall. Was someone trapped in it?

"My sister. I need to find her."

It was another woman's voice.

And with it, a flurry of snow began to fly around the wall.

Killian exchanged a look with David as they ran.

Killian covered his face as the snow picked up with speed and power, making it hard to see and the temperature drop even lower. But Killian could see blond hair fly just beyond the few icy stalagmites Emma had climbed through.

Sudden fear seized Killian's chest, realizing that whomever Emma was speaking to must have created this wall, for they were also creating the sudden snowstorm.

Emma.

Killian exchanged another fearful glance with the prince who seemed to put two and two together just as he did, and David deftly drew his projectile weapon, aiming it toward the figure of the unfamiliar woman.

Emma was still beside her, and Killian could see her now, the fear in her eyes, hair flying wildly, but her hands were out toward himself and her father in a placating gesture. "No," said Emma quickly. "No, it's okay, you don't have to—"

The figure of the woman backed away even as the storm picked up around them, as if the magical ice witch was completely unaffected by the buffeting wind that made Emma, Killian and her father cover their faces from the icy wind.

But it was when the ground shook, the distinct sound of a crash and Emma's scream that Killian's eyes snapped open, panic like a dagger to his chest.

Something struck her, and she fell to the ground.

"Emma!" cried both Killian and David.

Killian watched in horror as ice fell from the wall, cascading down—

Emma.

It was going to crush her.

Killian ran before he could think.

He dove through the structure, hearing the prince's yell behind him but he didn't stop.

He reached Emma, covering her body with his just as the ice struck them both.

-.-.-.

#captain swan #captain swan fanfiction #cs ff #wintery #csss2021 fic #fanfic #angst #once upon a time #captain swan fanfic #killian jones #fanfiction #emma and hook #emma and killian #snowing #daddy charming #captain charming #elsa #season 4 divergence #white out divergence

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carmensbroom · 2 years

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she screm

#carmen sandiego season 4 #carmen sandiego #ivy cs

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itspileofgoodthings · 2 years

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Season 1 and 2 Steve Harrington Meta

(nothing new to see here, just working through my own thoughts—better late than never!)

Thinking about the way Steve’s season 1 and 2 journey is about being kicked out of the nest of popularity, so to speak, by the choices he makes. he wants better than just holding on to his center-stage popularity and in looking for and pursuing that something better he loses his place and his status with such matter-of-fact ordinariness. And it’s shockingly good. In my Steve Harrington Blindness Era (the reason I’m writing about season 2 so much later) I only sort of half-watched his season 2 arc with Dustin and the kids and everybody seemed to love it so much (and it annoyed me so much that they did lol) and I sort of let that “Steve is the Mom Friend!” excitement and rhetoric cloud how actually rich and deep and funny and unsentimental and TRUTHFUL that arc is. Steve is suddenly stuck with all these kids but not as a main player anymore. Dustin likes him but Dustin’s also like “I’m the one in charge in this relationship” it’s absolutely not a hero-worship thing. And they end up having a great push and pull dynamic where Steve is not just bossed around but my point is—he goes from being King Steve to … backup. To doing the more thankless parts of being an adult, a babysitter. He has to keep them safe without any particular personally compelling reason to do so. He doesn’t know any of them personally, none of them are his siblings’ friends, they’re just his (currently not speaking to him, doesn’t love him) girlfriend’s brother’s gang and socially speaking none of them really care about who he is, it’s THEIR show (ha) and they run it! And if he’s going to be part of this group he has to take a thorough backseat. That would be a blow to any high school kid’s ego—a fragile thing—because it’s just the absolute shattering of the whole social world order that IS their entire life. And Steve is very funny and iconic in that role with his hands on his hips and his dish towel over his shoulder calling them all little shitheads. But all the excitement generated by that is fan furor that doesn’t extend to the inside of the show. In the actual world of the show nobody really cares. The kids don’t really listen to him or respect him; they don’t pay attention to him. He gets beat up by Billy in defense of those kids and instead of that being acknowledged as the heroic act that that is things keep happening, it’s kind of lost in the shuffle, and then he discovers that his girlfriend has actually left him. The hits just don’t stop coming.

And it’s a playing out of what happens at the end of season 1 but this time without the happy ending for him. This time that choice to fall off the path of popularity for the sake of something else, to let himself be socially de-centered because of the choices that he makes and swept up into a role that isn’t his by temperament or established status, leads to nothing except bruises and being left out in the cold. The choice he makes to go back into the Byers’ house at the end of season 1 is so important and beautiful, a real turning point where he cements his leaving of Tommy and Carol and Status so that he can help be part of the real action of the story. But the real consequences of that choice don’t set in until season 2. In choosing to care about people more than his own popularity, in choosing to de-center himself for love, he becomes vulnerable. He becomes Nancy’s in a way he wasn’t before; because now he no longer has his power and status and Pack of Friends as his context and support and backup, to keep him company when she’s gone. It’s just her. And season 2 plays out that fragility to the bitter ending. Nancy has a lot going on internally and externally; the relationship is not her focus and quickly becomes not her priority. She isn’t happy, she’s struggling, she’s in pain and she also just doesn’t want him anymore. She hasn’t made the same step towards him he’s made towards her. And I’m not debating right now whether she’s right or wrong about that but the point is—she withdraws from him and Steve is left with nothing. In season 2 he is faced with the same choice, walk into danger or away from it, help or run and hide, but this time there isn’t anyone or anything that he personally, specifically, cares about on the other side of that. He has to step up for goodness’s sake alone for a bunch of kids, again, he doesn’t really know against literal monsters. And there’s no context that helps make that choice easier, that draws on already established social bonds or family love etc. He has to choose on his own very quickly what kind of person he’s going to be and he’s going to have to be that person without expecting any kind of reward for it. And he gets no reward! There is no sitting on the couch with Nancy in his Christmas sweater ending for him. Everything crashes down on him with astonishing brutality and once the evil is defeated and the gate closed that doesn’t actually change much for him personally. Steve doesn’t go to the Snow Ball dance even the way the other kids his age do, even just to help; he has no place there anymore. Even the show is not paying attention to his fall from grace that much because he isn’t the center.

And the point of all of this is that it’s so beautiful the way he responds to these new circumstances created in many ways by his choices. Because he makes the best of it! He isn’t bitter. He lets Nancy go, he doesn’t command the kids’ worship (not that he would have succeeded but he could have tried and most kids in his position would have) and is a real friend to Dustin by helping him with his older kid advice and tips and support and also by letting Dustin run the show. By not letting his ego get in the way and trying to overpower Dustin with his older kid powers. He doesn’t even hate Jonathan. He is fallen completely out of the only social sphere he’s ever had, he’s alone in a very real and very new and very scary way, he has no power, little support, no appreciation. And he just takes what he has and makes the best of it. And it’s Character-defining, character-creating. The best and most surprising journey.

#stranger things #steve harrington #anyway I know we’re all past celebrating this season 2 moment. But I missed it at the time #Basically Steve’s journey is the cs lewis quote about how to love is to be vulnerable.#and to be open to the suffering it causes #Steve Suffers a lot as a result of love #and he lets it change him. can’t wait to watch season 4 #this is badly written sorry it’s 4 am I know I repeat myself a lot #My meta glory days are over but I still have to write it #in my own learning how to not live in the center/choose to be good despite the social rewards for it era t b h #(doing it much less graciously and generously than he does though)

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