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burnedbyshoto · 3 years

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sleeping beauty

— You struggle to find a time to have sex with your beloved Aizawa. Unfortunately or fortunately, the only time you can fuck him is when he’s deep asleep.

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pairing: aizawa shouta x yandere fem!reader

warnings: 18+, smut, pwp, yandere!reader, non-con somnophilia, hairy aizawa rights, recording

word count: 4,201

a/n: mark ur calendar, im getting my nipples pierced nov 8. you bet ur ass imma write a bunch of nipple pierced readers from there on out. pray that my family never finds out about my nipples tho LMAO if they do,,, it;ll be ripped out of my boobies without a seconds hesitation

kinktober day 19 main kink: somnophilia | kinktober masterlist

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Aizawa was always busy.

Over the past ten years of knowing him, the two of you had been close. You were a good friend to him, someone he wouldn’t absolutely avoid at all costs when you walked through the hallways of UA, someone he wouldn’t mind rambling to him about their long day. Of course, you knew that you weren’t his closest friend, and to a certain degree, that upset you.

You had met Aizawa when you had first been a high school student; at the time, you were merely fifteen years old. He was twenty, only five years older than you, but he took your breath away from the first team-up. He had been tall, dark, and brooding, and your little coming out of an emo phase heart stood no chance. But, due to the age discrepancy, he was never anything more than a team member. Still, you held on.

You graduated from high school, made your impact as a sidekick, graduated to a Pro Hero, and offered a job at UA by the time you were twenty! So, for the past five years, you and Aizawa had been actual co-workers, and better yet, friends.

Aizawa indeed was one of a kind.

He still held the key to your emo school girl fantasy daydream, but you also discovered new sides and angles of him. You learned he was incredibly kind, thoughtful, and looked out for everyone, even if his gruff and sometimes rude mannerisms spoke otherwise. Although he tried to avoid any type of nonsensical drama like the plague, he was always caught up in it, which often amused you.

There was so much about Aizawa that you loved, so much that you adored and looked up to that it was no surprise that you figured your feelings of respect and admiration became love.

True, deep love.

As a third-year teacher at UA, you found that your interactions with Aizawa were quite limited. Not only because he was always being placed with a first-year class and said class moving on without him — something that only happened because he kept expelling the damn students — but because he was incredibly close with the first-year teachers.

You loved Present Mic and Midnight and All Might, don’t get it wrong! Your admiration, love, and respect for them were unprecedented, but you hated how much of Aizawa’s time they took.

“Sorry, Mic needs help with lesson plans for my class,” Aizawa apologized for postponing your lunch date, not a date.

“Sorry, Midnight needs help separating the problem children. Apparently, they’re growing an immunity to her quirk,” Aizawa grumbled, shoving his phone into his pocket before leaving your office where you both had been talking and drinking tea.

“Sorry, All Might—”

“It the class, your problem children, I get it,” you force a smile onto your face, trying not to show just how irritated and disappointed you were on how these days were going. Aizawa pauses for a second, his tired, dried out eyes trying to read and uncover the depths of emotions swimming in your eyes before he sighs and runs off.

But it went without saying that the people you hated most were Class 1-A.

The damn stupid, fucking, ungrateful class had already caused your beloved Aizawa to be hospitalized. The scar under his eye, a numbing reminder that you had nearly lost him, almost had to cry at his coffin with your feelings never once being uttered. They, without a doubt, took up his time the most.

He saw potential in all of them, none of them being failed or expelled by him thus far.

He spent countless hours up in the dead of night tracking each and every one of his student’s potential. Slaving away at his tablets to make sure that they all were feeling safe, heroic, and above all, they were headed to their individual greatness. So, although it would be two more years before you would have the opportunity to teach this class, you already had a vendetta against Midoriya Izuku and Bakugou Katsuki. Those little shits always taking up your precious Aizawa’s time! He had never been this tired prior to them showing up!

But you never tried to think about it when you were with him.

You tried to openly accept your Aizawa’s new, incredibly busy schedule, and the moment the dorms appeared within UA, you found yourself more at ease.

To be frank, since you acknowledged your love for Aizawa at the mere age of twenty, and now at twenty-five, you had never taken on a lover or a one night stand. For years you had not allowed a person to grace you in bed or in their arms. It felt like you were betraying your love, and you would rather die than let that happen.

But the thing is, you are human, entirely susceptible to waves of uncontrolled horniness and lust.

In the beginning, sex toys worked.

You would press a vibrator to your clit, your toes digging into the mattress as your other hand shoved a silicone dildo into your aching, needy cunt. At first, it worked! You would cum with the thoughts of Aizawa being the dildo buried deep within you.

But eventually, you would find yourself at the peak of that orgasm, you knew the orgasm was right beyond the bend, just a step more, but you couldn’t get there. For weeks you realized that the vibrator, the dildo, and your fantasy thoughts weren’t enough. So, in your frustration, you began to search up audio plays of his narration at UA Sports Festival. Listening to his voice, ignoring Mics’ voice, to help coax you over that bend.

For a while, you were back to normal. Your highs and juices splattering all over your bed, a symbol of your lust and love for Aizawa as you gasped his name, wishing that the audio was real. But eventually, even the audios weren’t enough.

You craved Aizawa’s warmth, the feeling of his rough stubble against your sensitive skin, the throbbing of his cock buried deep within your womb, undoubtedly kissing your cervix. You wanted him; you needed your beloved.

As if by the grace of God, the moment you could no longer bring yourself to cum through that alone, the dorm system was put into place. And you, a teacher, were required to live on campus too. You tried not to think of Aizawa being a dorm away, tried not to feel the warmth fluttering under your skin when the two of you bid goodnight for the day.

You definitely tried to stay out of his room in the middle of the night.

God, you wish you could say that you stayed out of his room, but that would be a lie.

A big fat fucking lie.

It had started out innocently enough, you will claim.

You would see the exhausted man wave goodnight, grumbling that he needed to sleep now or else he would not wake up on time for homeroom tomorrow morning. You waved goodnight to him, trying to stay engrossed in a conversation you were having with Hound Dog. But an hour after Aizawa had gone to bed, you found yourself rushing away from the common room, explaining you had something to grade as you bid everyone goodnight.

Without a doubt, you ended up in Aizawa’s room that night.

In the darkness of the night, you watched the moonlight barely breach the thickness of his curtains to fall onto his face. You felt so warm as you stared at his slumbered face, your cheeks flushed as you watched his parted, chapped lips. You felt so light watching his chest rise and fall in a hypnotizing rhythm, reminding you that he is real, so very, very real. A part of you aching, knowing that he was entirely real and yet not yours. But still, you admired the way he looked so young, so intense, so ethereal as he dreamed.

You loved him.

Eventually, when you decided to leave, you pressed a kiss to his lips, smiling at the way his lips were exactly as you had imagined:

Supple, warm, and tasting of his mint toothpaste.

But the nightly visits didn’t stop there.

Most nights, you found yourself in his room, laying by his side, merely watching as he slept. No orgasm in the world felt quite as fulfilling as the quiet that came with just watching the over-exhausted Aizawa sleep.

But this is not a story of simple love, no, not at all.

Eventually, you began to grow bold. Your fingers sinking into your wet cunt, playing with your sensitive clit as you watched him sleep. You bit your lip to keep yourself from moaning as a rasped breath expelled from his mouth. You nuzzled into the warmth of his body heat through at you and only prayed he would one day acknowledge and return your affections.

To be quite honest, you’re not sure when you began to suck him off too.

Maybe it was the first time his cock grew long and hard in the middle of the night, his mind undoubtedly having a wet dream. So, as his beloved, you only thought it was appropriate to give his body what he wanted. With the skills and intentions that could only arise from being a gifted Pro Hero, you pulled the blankets from his body and pushed his cock through the slit in his boxers, and took him all in your mouth.

His cock was absolutely mouthwatering too.

So big, so thick, so incredibly veiny that you nearly lost all control the first time you saw it in all its glory. He was better than any dildo you owned, his scent alone driving you crazy. And so, as you should, you began to fuck him, completely addicted to his aroma, taste, and touch.

After the first night, you continued to blow him. Continued to suck him off as Aizawa let out sleepy moans, grunts that were strained, his body shifting unknowingly as you continued to go up and down his length, continuing to relieve him of his stress.

But you were human.

A human with needs and desires, and eventually, his cum coating your throat and filling your stomach wasn’t enough anymore. Which is where we find ourselves now, unashamedly fucking Aizawa each and every night, your cunt swallowing him whole, without a single shred of doubt of what was wrong with this.

There wasn’t anything wrong with this, and you knew that even if he was asleep the entire time you fucked him, it was for the better.

“Wow, Eraser!” Mic yelled from your side as you sat on the couch next to your beloved best friend. “You look like you’re glowing!”

Looking up from your phone, attempting to portray yourself as curious and unknowing, you found your gaze falling onto Aizawa, who had returned from an early evening training session with his class. As a matter of fact, Aizawa’s face was glowing; he looked incredibly much more relaxed, much more than he has been since the beginning of this semester.

“What do you mean?” Aizawa asked, evidently unimpressed as a lone eyebrow raised.

You watched on quietly, lips pressing to your cup as you took a drink of your tea as he sank onto a seat in front of you.

“Wait, don’t tell me, listeners!” Mic gasped dramatically, his hands pressing to his cheeks as he stood up. His expression of shock and disbelief curling and becoming one of knowing and understanding. “Does our grouchy, one and only, Aizawa Shouta, a.k.a. Eraserhead, have a special someone?!”

“Mic—” Aizawa snapped, his eyebrows furrowing.

“There definitely has been an after-sex glow that Eraser has had for the past few weeks. He did say that he’s been feeling more… ahem, relaxed,” Midnight gasped, seemingly appearing from nowhere, incredibly interested in the rumor of Aizawa having sex.

“Just because I’ve been feeling less tense doesn’t mean that I’m having sex.”

You giggled into your cup as the three of them began arguing, Mic and Midnights naturally loud noise quickly drowning out Aizawa’s fruitless attempts to shut down any sexscapades they were coming up with.

“Y/h/n, what do you think?!” Mic yelled, his hand pointed at you as if holding a microphone as Aizawa had him pressed and tangled within his capturing weapon. “Is Shouta-chan having sex?!”

Yes, your mind begs to say, but your mouth curls into a teasing smile, eyes locking onto Aizawa’s annoyed golden ones.

“I don’t think there’s anyone on this earth that Aizawa currently wants to fuck six feet into the mattress when he’s so busy,” you chide, your smile never entirely disappearing. At the same time, you take a long slow drink from your cup while everyone else (Mic only, really) continued to scream.

But you stayed there for the rest of the evening, working in silence with the rest of the group as next week’s lessons were laid out. Through a persistent, entirely stubborn will, Mic managed to get Aizawa to admit that he hasn’t had sex since the time he lost his virginity, to which Mic admitted to having had sex via orgies only. Midnight proudly announcing that she had a side piece at her disposal.

So as you checked through your lesson plans for the ethics book your students would be reading next week, you shouldn’t have been surprised to see their expectant gazes on you.

“I had sex last night,” you admit, unable to lie under their amused gazes.

“WITH WHO?! ARE YOU SNEAKING SOMEONE ON CAMPUS?!”

For the rest of the night, you smiled brightly, laughing with the rest of them all as talks and stories revolving around sex filled the air. It lasted until past midnight, and with a heavy sigh, Aizawa excused himself first. You waved goodnight, and soon Midnight left, followed by Mic.

You stayed on the couch, your own attention focused heavily on the time and not what you were supposed to be doing. It didn’t take much before the time faded from 00:00 to 01:45, and with a brush of your skirt, you headed precisely where you wanted and needed to be.

The walk to his second-floor room filled you with lust. Your body, like some Pavlovian dog, trained and knowing that you were about to fuck the love of your life while he slept. He was so beautiful while he slept, a true sleeping beauty. You especially thought he was stunning when he bit his lower lip, stifling a moan despite his heavy slumber.

Without so much as a second thought, you apparated into his room, your feet cushioned by the soft carpet of his room. And with a smile that was dripping with your love, you stared at Aizawa’s sleeping form. He was already deep in sleep, his body positioned on his back as if he knew what you were doing, accepting the inevitable actions you would take tonight as you did every night. He just looked so calm, so beautiful, so youthful when asleep. The scar under his eye almost invisible

But unlike most nights where he slept in a soft cotton long-sleeved shirt and sweats, you froze at the sight of the tight black t-shirt on his sleeping form, the shorts that were riding just the slightest bit too low on his sturdy, muscled hips. Your bit your fist, a bubbling heat of lust, and a whine tickling the back of your throat as you take in his sleeping form.

He was doing this on purpose.

Teasing you with this outfit on his sleeping body.

You huffed, inexplicably turned on as the small puffs of air past his lips seemed to thunder around the room.

You were wet already, so very wet.

“You’re so mean, Shouta-kun,” you whimper softly, your voice silent and unheard by his sleeping form. You walk closer to the bed, lips pulled into a pout as you sit on the soft mattress. “Dressing up like that, I know you did that to tease me!”

Aizawa doesn’t respond because, of course, he’s asleep. But you smile regardless, imagining a million and three things he would say in response, each leading to what you wanted to do so desperately.

“I hope you know you were lying when you said you haven’t had sex since you were twenty,” you sigh, your fingers expertly removing his shorts and boxers from around his waist, using your quirk to make them reappear to the side of him. “We have sex practically every night; you’re so horny, my angel.”

You watch with a curling smile as his cock immediately begins to stiffen against your warm breaths, his face scrunching in his slight discomfort as his cock grows and grows. His cock is undeniably one of your favorite parts of his body. It’s pale in color, paler than the rest of his body, but as it extended to the swollen thickness of his head, it grew darker, the flushed brown pinkness of his head making you salivate at the memory of the first time you ever saw it. His cock, unlike the rest of his scarred body, was unharmed, unmarred by the horrors of the job the two of you held. The thick, beautiful smoothness of his skin, making your eyes flutter in unadulterated lust, his cock a symbol of your pure, unmarked love for him. You hum, hand grasping his length and lazily stroking him as your head tilts, reading his sleeping features for any sign of him enjoying this as much as you do.

“Aww, Shouta-kun, I wish you knew I fuck you. I bet you would turn bright red, knowing that I ride you every night. Maybe you’d use that weapon of yours to teach me a lesson or two,” you mumble, your hand gripping his cock harder as you stroke him.

A small glistening drop appears at the slit of his dick, and you shiver in excitement; he was already leaking pre-cum.

“Look at you, already ready to have my cunt wrapped around that big cock of yours,” you mewl, absolutely ready to mount him, prepared to have his sleeping form cum deep within you. You stand up, removing your shorts and panties, and climbing onto the bed.

With the balance of a pro, you get yourself hovering over him, your already wet cunt shivering with the expectance of having him deep within you. Your hand on his cock never once stopping as you tease yourself against his swollen head, your voice a pathetic whimper as your slick mixes with his clear pre-cum.

“S-See how embarrassing you are!” you huff, rutting his length between his folds, lubing him up for the initial entrance because, by god, it still hurt. “Making my pussy so wet! I’m practically dripping all over you!”

There’s only a soft breath from his lips, but you grin as if he was speaking to you.

“You want me too, huh?” you giggle, and without further adieu, you sink against him.

His cock entering your tight cunt was still as mind-numbing as the first time. His cock easily buries into the small, thin wall of your cervix, and you tremble as his length stretches and pulls at your throbbing core. You can feel every curve in his cock, every vein, every gentle throb.

“Glad t-to know you find me… nnghh… find me i-irresistible,” you pant, face flushed with your desire to adjust quickly around him.

The conversation from tonight had made you entirely weak in the knees and hot at your core, knowing that you were the only one to really have claimed Aizawa, the only one who would ever know how his sleeping body craved you as much as you desired him.

You give a tentative swirl of your hips, your eyes trained on Aizawa’s relaxed ones, testing to see how tired and sleepy he was. There was no reaction, no movement outside of the typical grunt at the back of his throat. It was a noise he always made when you first moved with him, a noise that quickly seared in the back of your memory forever.

Shifting your weight to be more comfortable on your knees, your hot hands fall onto his tight chest, and with a sigh of pure relief, you begin to fuck him.

Your straddling aided the deep penetration, allowing for the gentle kiss of the tip of his leaking cock to your thin cervix wall. You clenched tightly around him, unable to keep yourself from doing so as you rode him, the feeling of his throbbing member within you absolutely breathing taking as you placed your claim on him again, again, and again.

Aizawa was fully sheathed within you, and your fingers twisted and pulled at the tight fabric of his shirt, raising it up so that you could admire his taut, tense abdomen, mewling at the way he’s happy trail was thick and bushy. You wondered how he would react to your fingers threading through his body hair, if he would love it; if he would hate it.

“I want you to know how much I love you, how much I would give everything to you!” you whimper, your head fighting the instinct to throw itself back as you begin to drop onto his still cock faster and faster. “I wish you knew that you fuck me so good, Shouta-kun; I need you to know that! But you won’t even look at me! You won’t spare me a single second of your busy day, so that’s why I have to fuck you at night!”

Tears of both pleasure and hurt well into your eyes; you sniffle as you fuck him faster, dropping onto his awaiting cock with more significant, more aggressive slaps. The sounds echo throughout the room, the musky, sweet smell of your sexes is the only thing keeping you sane — that and the grunting noises that Aizawa keeps emitting, it makes your toes curl and belly flutter in a funny way.

“I bet you’ll fuck me so good once I get you to love me! You’ll never stop fucking me, you’ll never want to leave me because only I know how to fuck you correctly!” you snap, anger and lust licking through your tone, making your eyebrows furrow and your walls to clench even tighter around him. The building tension in your stomach is like a fire, and you can feel your high coming. “But you fuck me so good, baby, so good and you’re not even awake!”

And for the first time, you watch in electrifying pleasure as a low, husky, raspy moan leaves his throat as you fucked him. The sound alone was something downright pornographic to you, and the whine that spills from your mouth is nearly inaudible with the pitch it vibrates at. So without so much as a second thought, a bubbling smile spreads on your face, and you continue on, energy and excitement doubled in your joy.

Your hips roll, rise, and fall against his with growing force and speed. The small creaks of the mattress completely ignored by you as the throbbing and twitching of his cock buried deep within you keeps you pushing for more. The heat and pressure in your belly grow exponentially, festering and burning until you can feel yourself at the tipping point until you can’t do anything but focus on Aizawa and only Aizawa, or else you would scream his name in your euphoria.

The veins on his cock and the overall girth of his length send your mind spinning, not at all helping your predicament, and in a last-ditch effort to keep yourself from crying so loudly you would wake up even the dead, you lean forward. Your sweaty body leaning down to his parted chapped lips as you kiss him to keep yourself silent as your orgasm crashes through you in a blissful wave. Your body spasms almost uncontrollably, the nerves and firing axons through your body uncontrollable as you lay there, allowing for Aizawa to cum before you leave. You shudder at the feeling of his cum emptying out within you, his cock immediately softening as you lay there on top of him. His heart racing with his orgasm, and you sigh contentedly.

“God, I love you so much, Aizawa Shouta; I’ll make you mine one day,” you swear, your nose nuzzling his stubbled cheek.

You lay there for some time, enjoying the way he feels in you, content with the pooling cum from your still spasming cunt. But eventually, you pull away. You pull on your panties and shorts quickly, not wanting a single drop more of his cum to seep out of you. Unable to help yourself, you lick the leftover cum on his cock clean with your tongue before wiping him down with a towel to prevent the smell from clinging.

Your eyes study Aizawa’s face just before you leave, and your smile.

He really does look less tired after orgasming.

But the entire time you were there — the whole night you fucked him and spoke to him — you missed the red blinking light of the camera recording in the corner of the room.

#aizawa x reader #aizawa smut #bnha #bnha x reader #mha #tw: somnophilia #bbs kinktober 2020

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jalebi-weds-bluetooth · 3 years

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Hii JWB!Just re-watched your podcast about the logical errors in the show,Anjali's flat pregnancy was laugh worthyxD I was wondering about your take on K's plans to expose Shyam.1st-right after she rescues A,she thinks everyone will believe all her words, forgetting about Shyam's lawyer-y skills.(He strongly defended himself even when K,NK,Mami & Payal spoke up)& the real reveal ofc-why cam-records were not taken as evidence,Payal's scope to help etc. Also,thnku & take care!!(Short hooman here:)

Short Hooman,

So nice to see you here as a regular!!!!! 🫂 I hope you’re doing well :)

Haha thank you for loving our crazy podcast! Now my take on the following:

right after she rescues A,she thinks everyone will believe all her words, forgetting about Shyam's lawyer-y skills.(He strongly defended himself even when K,NK,Mami & Payal spoke up)

1) Khushi knows very well who Shyam is, which is why it didn’t take her long to figure out it was Shyam who did all of this in the first place (still, @ridzmystique and I kept laughing that Arnav and Khushi were first surprised that it was Shyam - cause like who else hated their guts? Mool Rajani?) (I hate it that they make her believe Shyam later like wtf, this suspicion and stuff was so well done and Khushi could not forget that this man tried to literally kill her husband!)

2) Khushi had NO idea that Shyam had discovered the plan. So the time it took for Khushi to go and rescue - Shyam cleverly took that moment to rethink every single gesture Khushi made towards him and realized there must have been something fishy with everything. Be it his locket, the divorce papers and more.

So when Khushi talks about evidence, she has NO idea that Shyam has retraced her steps and has conveniently wiped everything out. Hence, things went awry for her.

3) The whole segment was written to make sure Shyam comes out clean, Anjali misreads the situation of Arnav doing everything for Khushi / Payal will support her sister, Mami hates the Gupta sisters and Khushi fails in the revelation. Do I agree with the plot? Yes, Shyam is an arch enemy and a worthy villain, we needed time delve into ten other things before the big hero/villain big scene could be and Anjali’s disbelief gives the perfect foundation for more meat to the plot. Did I like the execution? No. However, Shyam’s segment was written brilliantly.

I wish someone was more or at lest as intelligent as Shyam in this scene but almost everyone was reduced to a reaction face…

The writing made Khushi look stupid, NK a weak defence, Payal as a bubbling mess (but I was happy that she spoke), Anjali blind and Arnav mute. What I think it tried to show was that Khushi was shocked everything was undone, NK was reassessing how did they lose everything, Anjali traumatized, Arnav was staying quiet to hear Shyam spew everything and then give his big statement and Payal, already shaken, was trying to fight off Shyam’s convincing lies and hope Akash would believe her.

What it should’ve done was show that Khushi quickly realize that her plans have been foiled - so she could’ve pointed to the discrepancies in Shyam’s behavior and above all convince everyone that Arnav was kidnapped. Told everyone about her plan to be on Shyam’s side cause guess what - this man happily played into signing divorce papers and had blood on his shoes that matched Arnav’s.

No one should’ve been quiet to any of Shyam’s claims by just giving looks. Interrupt him, cut him off, don’t let him make a point and if he does - counter it.

Payal should’ve been calmer and addressed everyone that hey, do you remember Khushi had a fiancé named Shyam? An engagement that surprisingly broke the day Khushi met him instead of pleading people to believe her.

NK should’ve fetched his laptop, and let’s say Shyam broke it cause he’s a genius and knows the laptop has stuff, should’ve IMMEDIATELY COUNTERED Shyam’s allegation of NK blindly believing Khushi. Staying quiet and giving disgusted looks did nothing.

Also, Arnav! Him saying “I believe everything Khushi says” instead of telling “this has nothing to do with what Khushi said today, I’ve seen it myself” would have made a BIG DIFFERENCE. It really mattered to the family what Arnav has to say and I guess they understood from the two slaps but I think Arnav’s dialogue was very needed.

And they still could’ve had the rest of the track as is…

Best,

- JWB

#ipkknd #ask #Shyam #Arnav #Khushi #short hooman anon #ipkknd analysis #analysis #the revelation scene

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soapsilly · 4 years

Text

Not him - Tom Holland x Reader

Pairings: Tom Holland x reader; (slight Post Malone x reader)

Summary: (Y/N) and Tom got together on the set of Spider-Man. But the relationship doesn’t work out the way both of them had hoped for. What happens when (Y/N) gets over Tom faster than he would like? How will they act when they first see each other again in person on set for the new movie when neither of them can let go of their resentment?

Requests are open!

I guess, you could label this as Angst? Eventhough I don’t think it’s that angsty. I’m also terrible at writing summaries. Also, for the new love interest I chose Post Malone, because I needed a celebrity in the same age range as the main characters and also I’m kinda obsessed with him at the moment, so sorry if he’s not everyone’s type. However, this isn’t about him, so sorry if I didn’t exactly nail his personality.

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“Are you being serious?”, (Y/N) questioned her boyfriend. She couldn’t believe what she just heard.

“Here we go again”, Tom said rolling his eyes, “yes, I am serious”

(Y/N) chose to ignore that little dig at her but instead continued, “So, you’re seriously planning to move her in?”

“What am I supposed to do? Do you expect me to put her on the streets?”

“I expect you to at least talk to me about it!”

“I have known her for ages. There was no point in discussing it. She nedded a place to stay and I offered. End of story. She’s one of my closest childhood friends! Can we please not fight about this? Please? You’re leaving to shoot soon. You won’t even notice she’s here.”

"I don’t want to fight with you, love. But she’s a childhood friend that you told me you were in love with for the longest time! That I’m leaving makes it worse actually. Besides, you already spend the majority of your time with her. Do you really have to move her in now, too?��

It was true, Melanie was one of Tom’s oldest friends back in London. They grew up in the same neighbourhood and shared the same friend group. And he was crushing on her hard when he was younger.

“So you conveniently ignore that I hang out with all my old friends?”, Tom was getting more and more annoyed now. What was her problem?

“You can’t seriously expect me to spend all my time with you! I’m gone for so long at a time. Let me just spend some time with my people!”, Tom grew frustrated now.

“Your people... You spend all your free time with your people! And I’m at home going to bed alone almost every night. Why did you even ask me to come stay with you here, when you just leave me all the time?”, she was close to tears now. She felt lonely.

“I’m beginning to ask myself the same question. What has gotten into me?”

(Y/N) was quiet for a moment. That stung. The world knew Tom as that silly goofball, which he was - most of the time at least. But he could also be a proper bastard if he wanted to.

The girl took a deep breath.

“Listen, I understand that you want to help your friend but I just wished for you to talk to me first before you made that decision”, she continued much calmer now.

But Tom was having none of it. He was fired up now and annoyed by his girlfriend’s constant nagging.

“(Y/N)! How am I supposed to talk to you when you get so overly emotional all the time? You’re so fucking sensitive!”

“So you don’t talk to me at all? What kinda logic is that? Tom look at us. We’re fighting. Again. I can’t remember the last time we had a nice evening together. I can’t remember the last time we slept with each other...”

“You’re being dramatic. It hasn’t been that long”

“It has, too!”

“What do you want me to do? You’re smothering me! Of course I’d rather spend time with Mel. She’s not nagging me all the damn time!”

This was the first time he admitted to it.

Both of them stood still, facing each other.

“(Y/N)-”, Tom started but (Y/N) just held up her hand, effectively silencing him.

“Tom. Have you cheated on me with Melanie?”

“What? Of course not! (Y/N) I love you. Nobody else. I wouldn’t do that to you”, he tried to reassure her. Suddenly he felt bad for what he said.

“Have you thought about it? Even for just a second?”

“(Y/N), please...”, he pleaded with her.

“I’m leaving”

*******************************************************************************************

It’s been a few months since (Y/N) left Tom. He still felt bad for how their last fight ended and he was sure that if he hadn’t gotten so fired up, she’d still be there with him.

Tom asked her to stay, pleaded even, when she was picking up her stuff from all over his apartment. But after the logistics of separating where figured out neither of them talked to the other. (Y/N) made it clear to him, that she wasn’t interested in talking anymore. It was hard for him to accept and move on. He’d struggle to keep his mind off of his ex-lover. There were so many things that reminded him of her - so many things that he didn’t even realize before. The smell of coffee for example.

Eventhough, it was hard for Tom, his friends kept his mind occupied for long enough to relax a little and have some fun. None of them knew about the reason for their split. He told everybody it just didn’t work out between them. Only Harrison and his brothers knew the real reason of what happened. Only they saw him struggle.

The shooting for the next Spider-Man movie would start soon, so he’d be scheduled to give some interviews. All the tabloids were of course hoping Tom would give out secret details about the movie; that they’d be the first ones to report.

“Mornin’ Mate, how’re things today?” Harrison asked his friend, when they first arrived at the car that would get them to the interview place his management had organized.

“Actually, things are great, Haz! I think today is going to be good”, Tom answered truthfully. He was looking forward to today. There was no trace of any struggle on his face. No thoughts were spent on (Y/N) since Tom woke up this morning.

Harrison was glad. He wished for his best friend to move on and be happy again.

Tom was sitting in an empty room, lost in his thoughts after several hours of interviews, when a women in a grey blazer entered the room.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Holland”, she greeted him.

Tom was pulled back to reality.

“Good afternoon, pleasure to meet you. You can call me Tom by the way”, he greeted back.

The women continued to set up the interview. What followed were several different variations of the same questions he had already answered throughout the day.

While Tom enjoyed talking about his new movies, getting the same questions over and over again was getting a little boring. However, he had managed to not spoil a single thing about the movie, which he was immensely relieved about.

“So, the character of Felicia Hardy or maybe better known as Black Cat was introduced to the Spider-Man universe in the last movie. (F/N) (L/N) did an amazing job portraying her and the audience loved the new character”

Here we go again.

Tom already knew this was coming. Every interviewer so far asked about (Y/N) and him. But he was prepared.

“Yes, (Y/N) really is an amazing actress. I’m happy I was given the chance to work with her”

“So, you and Miss (L/N) started dating on set of the last movie but a few months ago you announced your split on social media. Last movie’s post credit scene suggested she’d be part of the new movie aswell. What do you expect returning on set, considering the current circumstances ?”, the woman continued.

Tom took a deep breath. He’s done this before.

“The split was amicable. When we realized the relationship wouldn’t work out, we mutually decided we’re better off as friends”

Lie.

“So you two are still in contact?”

“Yes, of course. We are both busy with our schedules but we both keep in contact regularly”

Lie.

“That’s amazing. So there won’t be any hard feelings on set”, she concluded.

“No, of course not. I’m really looking forward to seeing her again in person”

Somewhat the truth.

“You are one of the hottest singles on he market right now. We are dying to know: Is there anybody that has caught your eye yet? Seeing as lately (Y/N) has been seen getting cozy with rapper Post Malone..”

WTF??

Tom tried to not show his reaction to the newly found information. He awkwardly denied having his eye on anyone at the moment and they wrapped up the interview.

Tom was grateful that that was the last interview of the day. As soon as the lady left, he stormed over to Harrison, who was just as shocked as he was. He was already on his phone searching for evidence for the lady’s claims.

“Is it true?”, Tom asked his friend.

“Seems like it...”, Harrison showed the actor his phone. A picture of (Y/N) and Post Malone outside of a restaurant, holding hands lit up his phone screen.

Tom grabbed the phone and swiped further and further. There were a few more pictures of them together. Holding hands, snuggling - even one picture that showed them kissing.

For a second he felt a myriad of emotions cascading down upon him.

Shame. Anger. Sadness.

On one hand he felt embarrassed that he was mourning after their relationship while she was already out in the field dating around. On the other hand he felt angry. Did their relationship mean nothing to her? Was he not important to her?

And on a whole other hand he felt sad. He didn’t know what he expected but maybe there was still a little hope within him that they could get together again once the shooting would start.

But at the same time there was doubt lurking in the back of his mind. He always knew there was a discrepancy between him and her. While he was always more goofy and childlike, she was more grunge and edgy. Of course, it didn’t help that she was constantly fangirling over the musician.

“I love a man with a clear aesthetic” is what she used to say. And who had a clearer aesthetic than Post Malone? Next to him he felt like a slice of untoasted white bread.

“Tom?”, Harrison saw his friend spiraling.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”, Tom exclaimed.

Lashing out on the ones he loved seemed to be a recurring theme with him lately.

Harrison pulled up his his hands in surrender.

“Calm down, mate. I didn’t know either”

Tom left to wait in the car. He was awfully quiet for the remainder of the day.

So much for today being good...

*******************************************************************************************

It’s been a few weeks since Tom started shooting. As the main actor he had to be on set before anybody else did. (Y/N) arrived a few weeks later, Black Cat was not yet one of the main characters, so there was no need for (Y/N) to be there from the beginning.

Tom didn’t sleep well the night before (Y/N) was supposed to arrive. He has neither seen her nor talked to her since she left his apartment all those months ago. He was worried as to how to interact with her.

When Tom finally arrived on set, she was already there, chatting with Zendaya. The two of them hit it off immediately when they first met during the first movie.

When Zendaya saw Tom she grew quiet. Of course, she knew about their split but she didn’t know how he would react to seeing her for the first time after it. And she would’ve much preferred to not be present during their first meeting.

(Y/N) stopped mid-sentence and followed Zendaya’s gaze meeting Tom’s eyes, who was standing like a deer in the headlights. Eyes wide and his mouth slightly agape.

“Excuse me for a moment”, (Y/N) told her friend and made her way over to her ex-lover.

“Hello, Tom”

“Hey..”, Tom was unsure what to say.

“How’re ya? Everything good?”

She always did this. Asked how somebody was and already suggested the answer to go with.

“Yeah I’m good. And you? How’re you?”, he asked her back eventhough he already know what she was gonna answer. He just knew her like that.

“You know.. It is what it is”, she shrugged, but sent him a wink after that.

They chatted for a few more minutes about how excited she was to start shooting again, but never about anything deeper.

He didn’t ask her about her new relationship. She didn’t ask him about Melanie.

Then they parted again.

*******************************************************************************************

“You again?”, Peter in his Spider-Man suit swung onto the roof, where Felicia was tinkering around.

“Hello, Spider”, the Black Cat greeted him without looking up.

“You know? I’m actually kind of on a date right now, so maybe we could settle this quick and easy?”, Peter suggested, knowing that Michelle was waiting just at the other side of the street. When Karen notified him of an attempted break-in, he made up a quick excuse and left her standing.

The girl straightened up and started to circle Peter slowly.

“Is that your girl down there? She’s cute. I wouldn’t let her wait if I were you”, she pointed towards where Michelle was standing, looking around for Peter.

Peter furrowed his brows underneath his mask.

“Nice suit by the way”, she commented further. She only wore some black combat boots, a pair of pants, a crop top and a tighter top underneath. All black of course. The only thing that would ever even suggest she wasn’t just an ordinary girl were the black mask she was wearing and the devices on both of her wrists, that her claws and other similar gadgets were attached to.

“I, myself, prefer to not stand out as much. Not really a look you want to achieve... as a master thief, you know?”, she continued.

“You know? Someone once told me there’s usually not this much talking in a fight”, Peter told Felicia.

“Oh but we’re not fighting, silly”, she chuckled lowly. Something about her made Peter suspicious. What was she doing?

“Well, whatever it is what we are doing. I’m stopping you!”, Peter puffed his chest up.

“There’s no need, Spider. I already got what I want”, she showed him a stunning diamond collier dangling between her fingers, “do you think this suits me?”

She held the necklace up to her cleavage, batting her eyelashes.

Peter de-puffed his chest. He seriously began to ask himself what they were even doing.

“Listen, I can get you back to your dimension. Just give me the necklace and come with me, Felicia. I can get you back home”, Peter tried to reason with her.

The Black Cat began walking again but stopped right behind him.

“Oh but why? I like it here. How are we going to have our little rendezvous when I’m gone, Peter”, she leaned in behind him and all but whispered his name in his ear.

For a while he was silence.

“CUT!”, the director yelled, “Tom, you missed your line”.

“Everything okay?”, (Y/N) whispered.

But Tom was kinda shaken up. The Black Cat was less sexualized as she’d be in the comics. They were supposedd to be teenagers after all. But this was (Y/N). His (Y/N). He was okay acting with her but when she was so close to him that he could feel her breath tickling his ear, he froze up. His mind drew a blank and all he could do was stand there and wish that the ground would open up and swallow him whole.

“Five minute break, everybody”, the director announced.

As everybody scattered around, (Y/N) made her way over to her ex-lover.

“Hey.. Tom, are you okay?”

“Yes, of course I’m okay!”, Tom was exasperated, “Everybody misses their line once in a while! Why is this such a big deal?”. Tom pulled his maks off.

“Okay, chill! I was just trying to make sure you’re okay. You looked shaken up. No need for you to lash out at me”, (Y/N) bit back and turned around to leave.

“Wait!”, Tom rubbed his hands over his face, “I’m sorry. I’m just a little frustrated but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you”.

(Y/N) furrowed her brows but nodded quickly after. She was never one to hold grudges.

“I care about you, Tom”

For a moment they just stood there before (Y/N) clapped her hands.

“So, let’s get our shit together and kill this scene”

*******************************************************************************************

After weeks of working together this all felt like the first time all over again. Jacob would often joke that the “gang was back together” and at times it really felt like that.

“Do you remember when Tessa literally shredded your briefs?”, (Y/N) was wheezing at that point, tears rolling down her face, smudging her mascara.

“Yes and those were literally my last clean pair. Do you remember? I just came back from the press tour”, Tom continued.

All of them burst out laughing. It was their first free evening in a while and the group decided to spend it together with a few drinks and lots of food. Both Zendaya and Jacob feared that it might be awkward having Tom and (Y/N) there together but there was no trace of any bitterness or any other kind of hard feelings. They just felt like friends hanging out together.

“Wait, this reminds me... You left your mermaid blanket at my place”

“Hm, I’ll come get it next time I’m in London”

“I mean you’re of course always welcome to swing by but I really doubt you’d want that blanket, love. Tessa kind of claimed it as hers. There is so much drool on it... you better just get a new one”, Tom told the girl, eventhough he liked the idea of her back in his apartment.

“Well, she can keep it”, (Y/N) chuckled. She did notice his use of the word ‘love’ but she didn’t mind. It felt organic coming from him, he was British after all.

After that the conversations shifted and the boys strarted their own little talks about video games and whatnot. (Y/N) and Zendaya just caught up further, talking about their projects, giving interviews and photoshoots.

It was at that moment that the music in the background changed to Circles by Post Malone.

“Soooo.. Post Malone, huh?”, Zendaya wiggled her eyebrows at her friend.

(Y/N) shrugged and smiled sheepishly.

“What can I say?”, (Y/N) really didn’t know.

“Maybe start with how you two met?”, Zendaya suggested, grinning. She was thirsty for some gossip.

At the mention of the new topic Tom perked up but tried to stay low-key.

“I mean we followed each other on social media for a while at this point but never talked or anything. However, me and him attended the same event a few months back. I guess, we recognized one another and started vibing. I asked him about that one shirt he was wearing in the ‘Go Flex’ music video and he made sure to dig it out of his closet and gave it to me. After that we just kept talking”, she tried to be nonchalant but it was apparent to the others that she was a little flustered.

“Awww, that’s so cute”, Zendaya reacted.

(Y/N) broke out grinning.

“You guys don’t realize how crazy talented he is. So fun to be around and creative, too. I’ve never met anybody that extravagant but at the same time so down to earth. Our first date was at an Olive Garden. Can you imagine? We freaking drove there in a Rolce Royce”, if this were anything other than real life, the girl would’ve had heart-eyes by now.

Tom had heard enough. He stood up abruptly.

“Anybody want another drink? I’ll get enother round”, he offered. He didn’t want to make a scene. He just needed to get away for a moment.

When he returned the topic of conversation had changed, which Tom was thankful for.

“Virgin Colada for you”, he handed (Y/N) her drink.

“And for the rest of us... The grown up drinks”, he teased (Y/N), who in return stuck her tongue out at him.

The evening was too nice to ruin it now with hurt feelings. She seemed happy and as long as he could just ignore Post Malone even existed in his sphere, he’d be alright.

*******************************************************************************************

It was a nice morning on set. Tom and (Y/N) already had an early scene that was set during sunrise, which meant they had to get up earlier than (Y/N) would’ve liked.

They were given a short break but catching up on sleep would mean getting out of their costumes and messing up their hair and make up. So, not an option really.

“I don’t operate well when I’m tired”, (Y/N) whined as she and an Tom returned to where the trailers were standing.

“M’lady, may I invite you for a cup of coffee? It might lift your spirits”, Tom bowed down but looked up at the girl with a cheeky grin.

“You realize the coffee is free, right?”, (Y/N) deadpanned.

Tom shrugged and both burst out laughing, bickering on their way to the catering.

The others were already there, when they arrived. But they were not just on their own. Next to Zendaya stood a young man and a women, that seemed to be a little older than them.

“Morning, guys, how did your scene go?”, Jacob greeted the new arrivals.

“It’s been good. Too early though.. I mean if you ask me at least”, (Y/N) answered.

“How are you?”, Tom asked.

“Everything good?”, (Y/N) added.

“Can’t complain”, Zendaya answered, “let me introduce you to my family. This is my mom, Claire. And this is my brother, Austin”

Zendaya was grinning from ear to ear.

They were around the halfway point of shooting, which was usually when people liked their friends and family to come around and visit them.

(Y/N) mimicked her friend’s smile and greeted the visitors. It was nice meeting the family behind the actors and creators.

While Tom was greeting Zendaya’s family, (Y/N) turned towards her with her eyebrows raised.

“Girl, your brother is mighty fine”, she not so subtly murmured.

“It must be nice to have your family here”, Tom turned to Zendaya.

“Yes, of course. I’ve missed them so much”, she squeezed her mothers hand, “do you have any visits arranged?”

“Uh, no. Not yet. But I do have a little while to go still”, he answered.

“(Y/N), you must be excited for next week, right?”, Jacob asked the actress.

“Why? What happens next week?”, Tom was puzzled.

“Austin is visiting”, (Y/N) informed him.

The Brit raised his eyebrows.

“You’re kidding right?”, he was looking around, waiting for someone to tell him this was just an unfunny joke.

“No, why would I be?”, his ex-girlfriend inquired.

“Because this is low, (Y/N). Really low even”, Tom grunted, “I need to get out of here”.

With that he left the group standing and stormed away.

“I’m sorry, (Y/N). I didn’t mean to stirr anything up”, Jacob scrambled for an apology. He didn’t mean to ruin the mood.

“No. Don’t feel sorry, Jacob. I’m tired of walking on eggshells around him. We are adults. I’ve moved on and he should too. Just give him a little time to calm down”, she assured him.

Then she turned towards the buffet had had her breakfast.

The following week was a little strange. (Y/N) felt bad for Tom but she was so done with making apologies.

The both of them still worked fine together but other than that they were a little distanced. They still talked and they still hung out as a group but whatever progress the two of them have made so far was out of the window. The tension, however, did help their fighting scenes together.

(Y/N) was sad about losing Tom as a friend but she also realized she couldn’t expect them to still be friends after she broke up with him. Being civil was enough for her - at least for the moment.

*******************************************************************************************

(Y/N) was giddy on the morning Austin was suppsoed to arrive. She really did miss him and with the Tom situation going on, she felt especially estranged from everything.

The musician arrived just as (Y/N) had finished her final scene for the day. She was still in costume but that didn’t stop her from sprinting over to her new boyfriend and clinging onto him.

“Austin!”, she squealed.

He engulfed her in a hug, swallowing her body completely.

“I missed you”, he whispered into her neck.

“Ahem...”

(Y/N) heard someone clear their throat from behind her. When she turned around, she saw Zendaya, Jacob and Tom waiting impatiently. In Tom’s case, however, he just looked more annoyed at the public display of affection.

“Don’t you want to introduce us?”, Zendaya suggested. She, too, was excited to meet Post Malone, who was one of the most successful musicians at the moment.

“Yes, of course. Austin, those are Zendaya, Jacob and Tom. Guys, this is Austin”, she introduced everybody.

“Dude, it’s so dope to meet all y’all. Being on set of Spider-Man is so surreal”, Posty beamed. He was never one to be shy around new people.

“Hey, can I leave you here for a second? How about I go change and then we go have dinner?”, (Y/N) suggested.

“Fine by me”, her boyfriend shrugged and (Y/N) left them to go change.

When she returned they were still stood there talking about god knows what. Tom looked a little displeased but other than that there was no indicator for anything other than a friendly conversation.

Austin put his arm her shoulder when she reached them but didn’t stop his conversation until Zendaya ended her sentence.

“All good? We ready to leave?”, he turned towards her and pressed a kiss on the crown of her head, as he was way taller than the girl.

Tom pulled a face when he did that, but tried to get it together before anybody could notice.

“So, are you guys joining us?”, Austin asked the group.

“Can’t unfortunately”, Jacob answered for them.

“Still got some scenes that need to be shot today”, Tom added. This was probably the first time he was thankful for his busy schedule. He didn’t think he could stand seeing them together. Especially seeing how affectionate they were with each other. There was no use in denying it anymore. He was jealous. And why was that? Because he was still in love with (F/N) (L/N).

“Aww that’s too bad, man. But next time for sure, ye?”, the rapper answered before they all said their goodbyes and parted.

At night after dinner (Y/N) and Austin were lying in bed talking about everything that they have missed out on the other’s everyday lives. Music, shooting, friends and family...

“So, how have you been? You told me you’re worried it’d be weird interacting with your ex again but he seems pretty nice to me”, Post asked the girl.

She was tracing his exposed tattoos with her finger, something he really enjoyed. Austin wasn’t always the most confident in his looks but that didn’t matter to her.

“He is”, she finally answered, “he’s a great guy. Usually very sweet and caring.. I think maybe him and me could be friends again..”

“Wow. Seems like you miss him. Should I be worried?”, he looked down at her.

She was still concentrated on his tattoos on his chest, when he said that but looked up at him to answer.

“No. Of course n-”, she started to deny but that was already enough for him to flip them over and pepper her with kisses and tickles, making her squeal and flail around, trying to escape his grasp.

*******************************************************************************************

It’s been a few days since (Y/N)’s new boyfriend arrived and Tom hated to admit it, but Austin Post was actually a decent guy, that he would probably even like if it wasn’t for him being with his ex-girlfriend, that he was very much still in love with. Austin’s likeability made Tom dislike him even more though. It would be so much easier if he were just an overall unpleasant bloke.

“So, Austin, how long are you staying?”, Zendaya asked him over breakfast.

“Uh just a couple more days”, he answered with his mouth still half full.

“Ah that’s nice. So you’ll still be here when Melanie arrives”, Tom spoke up.

(Y/N) almost broke her neck whipping her head around at the mention of that name.

She slammed down her cutlery, stood up and gestured for Tom to follow her, which he did.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”, she yelled once she was out of earshot.

“What’s wrong with me?”, Tom whipped around.

The girl was surprised by his outburst.

“Don’t you think it’s a little class-less to literally fly out your new guy?”, his tone turned condescending.

“Goddamnit, Tom! Are we still not over that? Everybody is flying their loved ones out, why shouldn’t I?”, (Y/N) was getting fired up now.

“I could ask you the same question, (Y/N). I’m merely having a good friend of mine visit me. What’s the difference?”

“The difference is, Tom, that you flew her out out of spite. You had no intention to have her visit you, before you found out that Austin was going to come visit. We are broke up. Do you expect me to stay single forever?”

“Well, you got over me awfully fast, didn’t you Sweetheart?”, he spat the last part, not even denying her accusation. (Y/N) couldn’t help but notice how handsome he looked with his hair unkempt from ruffling it in his frustration, but she chose to ignore those feelings bubbling up inside of her.

“Well, you made it awfully easy for me, Sweetheart!”, she mimicked him.

“And why is that? Because I helped a friend? Your jealousy ruined this relationship,(Y/N)!”, Tom didn’t mean what he said but he was too hurt to care at the moment.

“Yes, of course. I ruined this relationship. It wasn’t the fact that you literally moved in another girl?”, (Y/N) was being unfair now. She didn’t have a problem with Melanie at all. She never made a move at Tom or gave (Y/N) any other reason to disklike her. She was actually a really sweet girl. But (Y/N) was too hurt to care at the moment.

“You’re seriously worried about me having cheated on you? He is fucking rapper! What do you think he does when he’s on tour?”, Tom threw up his hands.

“Austin hasn’t given me any reason to doubt him. He’s been nothing but amazing to me. That’s more that I could say for you”, she dug at him.

To say that this didn’t hurt would’ve been a lie. Tom was taken aback for a moment before he just muttered a ‘fine’ and left her standing.

From then on it was radio silence between the two of them. (Y/N) was looking forward to the end of shooting. When she broke up with Tom, she didn’t anticipate this all to blow up in their faces like this. She didn’t want to create a hostile environment for anybody. She knew for a fact that Zendaya and Jacob felt uncomfortable with the current situation. They felt like the victims of a bad divorce. And even Tom seemed to be more down than she had seen him in a while.

(Y/N) greeted Melanie when she arrived but other than that she kept to herself. She dreaded the day Austin had to leave again because that would mean she’d be alone with Tom and Melanie.

Tom was happy to have Mel with him again. (Y/N) wasn’t the only one that was feeling bad about the whole situation. Instead of connecting with her again, he had just driven her away further.

However, neither of them could let go of their resentment. Both of them were desperate to get some kind of reaction out of the other.

“Here, Mel. You really gotta try these! They taste amazing”, Tom held his spoon out for Melanie to try the tasty dessert. Them sharing food wasn’t something out of the ordinary for them but usually Tom wouldn’t spoon-feed his friends. At this moment, though, he tried to be as animated as possible to make sure (Y/N) noticed.

And she did notice. It took a lot from her to not give him the reaction he was gunning for. Instead she made it a point to get really cozy with her new boyfriend to show her ex that she wasn’t bothered at all.

“Babe, not that I don’t enjoy making out with you but I know you’re doing this to get back at Tom”, Austin murmured in his lover ear after they parted their kiss. His husky voice was sending goosebumps down her spine - not least because she knew he was right.

“You should talk to him”

*******************************************************************************************

”Tom, can we talk?”, it took (Y/N) a great deal of convincing herself to make her way over to him.

Tom was surprised, he didn’t expect her to ever speak to him again but complied.

They made their way over to her trailer and sat down inside of it. Neither of them said a word. (Y/N) didn’t know why she was feeling so nervous. It’s just Tom.

Get yourself together, damnit. Deep breath and go...

“Tom.. I’m sorry”, she already had thought exactly of what what she was going to say but at the moment drew a complete blank.

“What for?”, Tom was being huffy.

“Everything. You are right. I shouldn’t have just flown Austin out. I should have at least talked to you beforehand. I really didn’t mean to hurt you...”

“Me neither”, Tom softened up.

For a moment they just sat in silence, but for the first time since they started shooting it wasn’t uncomfortable at all.

“I miss you, you know”, he looked up from his lap and into her eyes. She was about to answer, when he silenced her.

“I miss you so damn much and I hate seeing you with him. He seems like a great dude but (Y/N) be honest with me... Do you really love him?”

(Y/N) was taken aback. She did not expect that sort of question now.

“I.. I do”, she answered truthfully. Tom’s face fell. How could he be so stupid and still hope there’d be a future for them that’s anything but friendly.

“But it’s not the same... I love him. He’s amazing but he’s not you”

She felt so terrible for saying that. Austin has been nothing but loving to her and they haven’t fought once in all that time that they were together but being around Tom again showed her that there was something missing.

Tom perked up, he couldn’t believe his ears but when he properly registered her words a show stopping grin found it’s way on his face.

“That’s amazing. I mean not for him obviously but.. you know what I mean", Tom was excited. They could start over again and be better than they were before.

He noticed that (Y/N) didn’t share the same excitement as him.

“Love, are you okay? Are you not happy?”, Tom scooted closer to her.

“No, I am. It’s just, we can’t just pick up where we left off, Tom. We.. we.. Austin wasn’t the problem that broke us up to begin with. We can’t ignore everything that has been going on”, sounded desperate. It’s true though. Just because she didn’t feel the same way for her new boyfriend as she felt for Tom, didn’t mean all their other problems were gone.

Tom craddled her face in his hands.

“Darling, it’s going to be okay. Look at me. We won’t do the same mistakes again, okay?”, Tom leaned his forehead against hers. (Y/N) was always a rather anxious person that needed to be calmed down frequently, when she was freaking out.

She took a deep breath and relaxed into his touch. It was nice to feel his skin against hers again.

“You okay?”, Tom asked.

She nodded and a small smile found it’s way on her face.

At this moment Tom couldn’t resist anymore. It’s been too long that he had felt her lips against his but just as he was about to lean in she pulled back.

“What are you doing? Tom, I’m still in a relationship... It wouldn’t be fair to Austin if we’d started foolin aroung behind his back. Let me at least talk to him before we properly make-up”

Tom did feel a little disappointed but understood what she was saying.

“Not even a little peck?”, he tried but shut up when (Y/N) shot him a warning look. One could try...

Both of them exited her trailer. While (Y/N) made her way over to where Post was waiting, Tom joined Melanie and his co-stars again. Tom’s good mood didn’t go unnoticed though.

“What got you all smiles?”, Zendaya teased.

“I may or may not have made up with (Y/N)”, Tom bragged in a sing-song voice.

“Wait what? When did that happen? Not that I’m not happy for you but last time I saw her she was making out with Post Malone”, Zendaya was thrown off by the newly found information and while Tom explained the situation (Y/N) had to break the news to Austin.

She didn’t want to have this conversation but she was confident that she was naking the right decision.

“Hey, Babe. Did you two talk it out?”, Austin looked up from his phone when his girl approached him.

“Austin? Can we talk?”, it was the second time today that she would have to use that phrase. She couldn’t but to think how cliche she sounded.

“Oh oh. That doesn’t sound good”, his smile faded, “you’re not breaking up with me, are you?”

There was no need for her to answer his question because as soon as she teared up he got his answer.

“Nononono. Don’t cry, please”, he tried to soothe her which made her feel even worse. Why was he being so nice to her?

“What happened, (Y/N)?”

“We talked”

“I figured that much”

Ouch..

“Well, I apologized and so did he. We kinda made up”

“There is probably no use trying to convince you otherwise, huh?”, Austin had already admitted defeat.

“Probably not”

“I never stood a chance, did I? It’s always been him...”, he huffed out a laugh. He sounded disappointed but he was coping.

“That’s not true. I think you are one of the most remarkable people I’ve ever had the fortune of meeting but ...”

“But I’m not him”, Austin ended her sentence for her.

“I’m so sorry. I really do love you but being on set with him again just brought back all those feelings”

Both were just sitting there for a moment.

“But we’re still friends right?”, Austin broke the silence, looking at the girl across from him.

(Y/N) blinked for a few times.

“Of course”, she was so perplexed. She didn’t expect him to not be pissed at her. He chuckled when he saw how confused the girl was. He wasn’t mad at her. She had feelings for someone else. That’s something out of her control. He did however still want to have her in his life - even if it’d be just as friends.

“C’mere”, he held out his arms and engulfed her in a massive bear hug.

“I don’t understand. You’re not angry?”

“No, how could I? We’re cool”, he reassured her, “but I can’t promise I won’t write a song ot two about you”

“Well, I can’t blame you”

They both had a laugh about it but then the atmosphere became a little more serious again.

“I should go”, Austin broke the silence.

“You don’t have to”

“No front, but, (Y/N), I really don’t want to see you with Tom. At least not at the moment”, he explained to her.

(Y/N) just nodded. She didn’t want to make things worse for him. While he took the news like a pro, she could still see that he was hurt. He was not about to fight a battle he already knew he couldn’t win but it really wasn’t a good feeling to be left for someone else either.

The two of them hugged it out for a little while longer and then Austin made his way to leave the set back to his hotel room to pack his bags and fly home.

He stopped to say goodbye to the others. Eventhough he would rather not see Tom at the moment, just leaving without a word would be rude. Also, he was not about to leave with his tail between his legs. He was Post Malone after all.

When he approached the others their conversation died down and Tom’s bright smile disappeared completely. There was no way for him to know how the rapper would react. But the latter decided to not say anything at all.

Austin said his goodbyes and turned to leave but before he left, he told Tom something only they could hear.

*******************************************************************************************

Back in her hotel room, (Y/N) tried to relax after the long day she just had. The last time she was this exhausted was ages ago.

At the moment, she was getting ready to take a shower and go snuggle up in bed to get some sleep before she had to leave to shoot the next morning.

Just as she was about to hop under the warm, relaxing water, there was a knock on her door. (Y/N) didn’t expect anybody this late but she had an idea who it could be.

“Hello, Tom”, she greeted her lover.

“Can I come in? Or am I interrupting something?”, the actor looked the girl up and down. He couldn’t help but have his eyes linger a little as he couldn’t help but notice she was only dressed in a towel at the moment.

“I was just about to have a shower but you’re welcome to come in and wait”, she told him.

As he closed the door behind him she turned around and added, “or you could join me of course”

She made it sound like an option but that opportunity was too good for Tom to pass up.

Being underneath the water with him just felt right. He was a little taller than her so the water from his hair dripped down on her face as they were standing chest to chest. He leaned down and his lips met hers. She started smiling into the kiss nefore they parted.

“I missed this”, Tom’s voice was husky.

She did too. She wasn’t a fool, there was still a lot to work through but at this very moment everything just felt right. His body against hers felt right. His lips on hers felt right. Them together... felt so right.

“I love you, Tom”

*******************************************************************************************

Epilogue

Both of them were cuddled in bed dressed in the white, fluffy bathrobes the hotel provided, talking about anything and everything with the occasional kiss in between.

“It’s two o’clock already. We should really go to sleep if we want to be able to function tomorrow”, she reminded her boyfriend.

“At this point, I am tempted to pull an all-nighter, love”, he winked at her.

“An all-nighter doing what exactly?”, (Y/N) teased her man.

“You know? Before Post left he told me to be good to you and I think that’s exactly what I will be doing tonight”

“I really don’t think that’s what he meant, babe”, she laughed.

“Close enough for me”, he murmured as he leaned down to kiss her once again but most definitely not for the last time that night.

#tom holland imagine #tom holland x reader #post malone imagine #post malone x reader #spiderman imagine

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daimonicwriting-blog · 4 years

Text

Desperate Opportunities

It was always said by the elders among Suramar, “If the night skies vary, mark the end of times.” It was not the end, at least not yet. The barrier stood, and as far as everyone was concerned, the world did not exist beyond the walls and magical barrier. All that truly existed was Suramar City. This was no less true for Cathiir, a child with his shelter under the bridges of Suramar. He seemed to be debating something, shaking his head frantically, and to those passing by it may look as though one child was pressuring another to do something he did not want to do.

They would have been right.

“Come on, Cathiir, drink it! We need to get a little extra food – oo, oo! And something pretty like last time!” Elodine, a young girl, was hopping about, holding a bottle of arcwine with merely a single drink left in it. “It took me a long time to find it, Cathiir, come on!”

“No, Elodine, no! That stuff makes me feel woozy, I can barely focus and I– I–”

“And you do that cool thing? Come on Cathiir, please?” She pouted at him. Cathiir crossed his arms and turned his back to her.

“What happened to the ring I got you, huh?” He turned his head slightly, a prominent, childish frown on his face. The sort that adults would warn them would stick if they kept it that way.

“I told you, Sildor wanted it so we could be here longer.” Her pouting somewhat ceased. She knew well enough it would have disappointed Cathiir, he never liked giving in to Sildor’s demands – though he was the unofficial landlord of the homeless around their parts of Suramar. All had to pay their piece, or else they would have to find their own space.

And he did not hold that back. “I’m sick of Sildor taking our stuff! I’m going to get caught at some point, Elodine! Those guys will catch on!”

There was a silence between the pair for a while, Cathiir with his back turned and arms crossed looking as a rock, and Elodine with her arms to her side trying to think of the right things to say. It was not selfishness that motivated her, but the right words to say to make Cathiir realize their situation.

Homeless and hungry. Perhaps what Elodine did not quite realize was how reliant Cathiir would be to the arcwine with each use. She heard adults talk, though. Some of the nobles had fallen from grace and ended up looking malnourished and akin to walking skeletons – what remained of their flesh and skin sagged. They grew paler, and hair more brittle. For a moment, she observed Cathiir, but was not convinced from the view she had from behind. So she laid a hand on his shoulder and tried to swing him around. He turned to her, arms losing their unending knot and frown dissipating to that of shock as he was face-to-face with her.

The purplish tint to his skin was still there, except with a slight tint of red to his cheeks, as well as his dark locks that he had directed to go down his back. A couple of stray strands wandered to his face. Elodine stared at him with what she believed was the finesse of an experienced medical professional. In truth, her eyes were just squinted and her tongue left her mouth in a sort of contemplation.

“What?” Cathiir was getting worried. “Elo, what?! What’s wrong?” She did not answer, and it clearly only frustrated him more. After a final exclamation of her name, she twitched her pointed ears and looked him right in the eyes.

“Huh? Oh, nothing, nothing. I just– I wanted,” she looked away, turned, and sat on her bedroll. “It’s nothing Cath. Just… you’re right, it isn’t a good idea. We’ll find some other way, right? I can just… figure something. Something safe, right?” She laid on her back, and had stopped dwelling on the subject. Except for one bit.

“I’m sorry, Cathiir.”

He kept saying it was all nothing to be concerned about. That was, until the barrier fell. Thousands of years it had held – Cathiir was not even alive for one-thousand of those years. He was barely five-hundred years old.

His father (who had adopted him) had been alive before the barrier even existed. As Cathiir stood on the balcony to the large manor his family owned, he stared up as the sky slowly became exposed.

Daytime. There was a sun, and clouds. Birds flew about, confused at the opening of new land. Animals scattered far in the distance where the border of the barrier had been, terrified by the display of magic. It hit him all at once why his father had been so busy.

The advisers and the Grand Magistrix herself had to have been aware. Though they could do nothing. Some days had passed after Cathiir witnessed this most wonderful and fearsome display and he was told by the other young shal'dorei that ‘demons’ were about, patrolling, and executing dissenters.

Public execution.

Cathiir was not entirely ignorant on what a demon was. Stories were often told by others, his father included, of the horrors invoked by the War of the Ancients. Destructive aliens bent on the submission of the world, the recruiting of malicious like-minds, and encouraging desperation among the masses.

It had only been a week when Cathiir felt the desperation sink into his stomach. He was sitting in his family’s manor, and a thought rolled through his head. The advisers to the leadership of Suramar who disagreed with the Legion’s siege and wanted to revolt were executed just the same as commoners. Though here his father was, sitting, eating among them.

He was a sympathizer, and all had known. Cathiir felt the desperation, but he wondered if his adoptive father felt it even more. He had not spoken much to Cathiir or Milaes, his sister. Cathiir felt as though his training into lordship and to be a protector of the family was placed on pause – all to surrender to the end of the world.

He had nothing to distract himself with, and so that panic set in more and more. It was night – which notably, was a harder time for him. There were real stars in the sky, put onto a grand display. Moons shining along with them, and a darkness that could not be replicated by magic, even. He had suddenly left the house, his father and sister asleep, and wandered through the streets. His feet held all of his thoughts, and he guided himself nowhere – it was all as if he was being piloted by memories.

He left the sprawling manors, went over bridges with intricate gardens and statues, away from the pens of exotic animals, as well as the vineyards were arcwine was made. He wandered until he went were the dark was familiar to him. A large bridge connecting two parts of the city, he had gone underneath and lingered. There was a small nook that was empty; he had known it was empty for some time.

He sat down, legs crossed, and leaned his head on the stonework. There was scattered litter here and there; papers, some bottles, and even a rotting shadefruit in a nook parallel to him. His head lowered and lowered until he looked into his own lap. The gravity of the situation seemed to, at first, hit him so hard he felt the wind leave his lungs. He slammed his fists into the hard ground, leaving scuffed marks on his knuckles.

Then, just like that, it left him. It all faded when he convinced himself of the reason why he had arrived here. He was in such a daze he had forgotten.

He was waiting for someone to arrive. He was waiting for someone so he would know the best course of action. Though for a while, all he was left with was memories.

And for now, it would do.

It was the dead of night. The bustle of homeless shal'dorei quieted, and Elodine had been asleep.

Cathiir laid in his bedroll, eyes up at the bridge above them. He stared at it and tried to count as many discrepancies as he could. It… was not a long process, truthfully. Almost no cracks or even points, it was entirely smooth. Though he started to become good at noticing them nonetheless. He was not about deluding his time-wasting distraction, but rather, give practice to what he was about to do.

If he could notice the problems with even a perfect structure, he could notice the problems with a horribly flawed plan.

He could not sleep because it ran through his mind again and again. Feeling too confident was always a concern of his, but not of his companion’s. Or at least so she seemed. He sat up and stared at the bottle of arcwine that was beside him. His hands reached for it and grabbed it by the neck. He struggled to get the cork loose, but it inevitably came off.

Instinctively, he sniffed into the bottle, and immediately darted backwards. It was pungent for sure. A strong beverage. Though Cathiir could smell it had exactly what he needed in it. With a hand pinching his nose, he downed the remaining drink it, and immediately felt the surge of power.

Though he also felt the nausea. He quickly laid the bottle down and stood up, taking breaths as he had practiced time and time again. He muttered words in shalassian, gestured his hands, and his form started to disappear, completely. The moment he disappeared, he felt the strain in his mind. He had to focus to keep the spell intact. He walked around a bit, and observed his hands to ensure he stayed invisible. It did not break, not even slightly.

He recalled a point where he looked as a floating display of rippling water. He came to learn it was the lack of focus that caused his spell to distort him instead of entirely conceal him. As he stepped around, and felt as though he was ready, he stopped, and sighed out.

That was when a voice came out of seemingly nowhere. A girlish voice, “You know, if you keep breathing that loud they’ll find you for certain!”

It was Elodine, who, well, was as awake as he was. The surprise of this caused Cathiir to twitch, then lose his focus on the spell entirely. “Elo!” He quietly said.

She simply giggled, and stood up. “Whoops – oh come on, you weren’t going to walk there all sneaky.” She placed both her hands on Cathiir’s shoulders, and with a big smile, she said, “Now then, let’s go, I’ll keep watch. And this time, I promise: Sildor won’t get anything! I’ll hide everything well!”

Cathiir nodded at her. “Good, because if you keep giving up all our best stuff, he’ll start wondering how I do it.”

Elodine nodded in response, then suddenly leaned in to peck his lips. She let go of his shoulders, and stepped passed him. “ For good luck. Let’s go, while you were staring at the bridge the owners got a couple of hours of rest – hurry!”

Cathiir was a bit red in the face, and of course, sporting a tipsy demeanor to himself. Though he followed Elodine nonetheless. While she was thinking of all the wonderful things they could manage… he chose to concern himself with alternate plans if it all fell apart. Potential escapes, and especially how he could get her away if anything went sour.

Though for once… although it may have been the alcohol speaking… he felt as if it would all be fine.

#wow #warcraft #nightborne #cathiir #writing #oc #suramar #shal'dorei #elf #world of warcraft

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jouchi-josei · 6 years

Text

lot of feelings.

i managed to write this a couple weeks ago. (i don’t remember if it was before or after i ghosted everyone. hah.)

this is the raw truth of what i felt in those moments, writing what i’ve been so desperate to say. whether the sentiment behind all of this is still present now doesn't matter.

save your time from trying to help me: i’m kind of already a lost cause.

spend your time reaching out. to those who feel like they have no one on their side. to those who aren’t comfortable enough to speak up. to those who aren’t as lucky as i.

i was supposed to cover “Words Fail” from Dear Evan Hansen and post it, but lately, i can barely get out of bed without being in extreme pain, both emotionally and physically.

///// suicide & extreme hopelessness trigger warning //////

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKP9UdIcXFk

“Words Fail.” Not only the title of the song, but a reminder. A reminder that no matter how hard you wish to explain yourself through spoken or written word, there is only so much that can do to express your true self. As someone who is lucky enough to be able to explain themselves through words at a decently comprehensible level, not being able to do so is so disheartening. So exhausting. So… isolating.

Before coming to Japan, I rarely experienced that. I always had a particular metaphor or analogy that could help others understand where I’m coming from. When I looked at people, I could see it click in their minds: they understood me on some kind of level. Some kind of understanding was enough for me. I managed to do that through word alone.

But… I lost that. I couldn’t explain the crippling loneliness, the lack of motivation, the overwhelming insecurities, the inability to get out of bed. I couldn’t explain why my depression was so bad.

People kept asking me, kept advising me, kept… trying.

Long after I stopped.

Rather than taking the time to try and explain myself thoroughly, I merely answered with an, “I don’t know,” because trying to formulate a proper response was too fatiguing.

My suicidal ideation is as heavy as it was the weeks following my last suicide attempt. And I mean that: it is. People have been fighting to keep me afloat, and I do not want their efforts to be for naught, but it’s been real difficult when I have not only a lack of a will to live, but a strong desire to die. Lack of a positive + presence of a negative = overwhelming negative.

When I was physically separated from my amazing support system and suddenly couldn’t avoid my problems by sleeping, I was forced to spend more time in my own head.

I was forced to really see myself. Discover more about myself. And the longer that that happened, the more I realized how much I hate myself. How disgusted I feel when I think about my being. I merely avoided it by focusing on other people. But being here forced me to confront myself straight-on. And what an unsightly thing it is.

I mess up a lot. Over and over and over again. And I was forced to come to terms with: even if your heart is full of immense regret and you swear to never do it again, people still might not give you a second chance. And they’re not obligated to. You just have to recognize that you messed up. And decide to do better next time.

But I’m also at the point of: why should I forgive myself when they won’t forgive me either? Why should I cut myself loose so easily?

They’re good people. Amazing people.

I’m the mess up.

I shouldn’t share something people have told me in confidence. I shouldn’t betray someone’s trust like that. I shouldn’t... use "coping” as a fucking an excuse instead of just owning up to the fact that I messed up. I hurt people I care about. And I need to take whatever repercussions come along with that.

My friends have called me out on this, but I didn’t do anything about it until recently. Like, mad recently. And the only reason I decided to do something about it was because my defenses were so broken down, I was forced to recognize that, even if I had no ill-intention, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt others.

My mom would do the same exact thing to me. Air out my dirty laundry for everyone to see. And I mean, literally everyone.

Like mother, like daughter, I guess.

(Don’t want to be, though.)

There are times where I wish I didn't have my heart open for everyone to see, I wish I didn’t “lead with the worst of me”. I wish I could stay quiet and not be vulnerable with people. Because now there are people who have parts of me I wish I could take back.

But no. That’s not who I am.

Inauthenticity I despise more than anything else. Of course, I could always just keep my heart tucked away, for only a select group to see, but my extreme trust issues say, “Share everything with everyone all the time! So no one can talk about you behind your back and use it against you! Because you don’t trust anyone ever! And that’s why you’ll never really love anyone!”

And yet, part of me has been terrified to talk about it: my suicidality. Because I’m so scared of being pulled back to America. I’m scared of whether my efforts of fighting for Japan will end up being futile.

The main thing that I’ve been fighting for for my own sake was Japan. The opportunity to study abroad was actually taken away from me back in January. Due to my mental illness and my “risk factor” of being abroad, UT decided to pull the decision from me. They offered me to study abroad in the Fall semester (those of who know how studying abroad in Japan works know that that would be impossible). They asked me how I felt over the phone. Was I meant to respond in a chipper voice, excitedly accepting their choice? (spoiler: I didn't) And they didn’t even offer me any kind of chance to try and prove I was stable enough to go abroad.

I had to find the solution myself, without their help.

I don’t… want to prove them right. UT screwed me over. Took away the one thing I wanted for myself.

I fought for it still.

And now that I’m here in Japan: a country that has no easy access to mental health professionals, xenophobic towards any and nearly every kind of 外人, and where my voice is lost among the overwhelming crowds…

I question whether I should be here or not. But America also holds a lot of bad memories for me too. Which one is better to lean towards? Who knows? People ask me whether I want to stay or to leave? I don’t know what I want. All I know is that I want to die.

But I’m tired of faking it. Faking that I’m living a luxurious life in an amazing country. Faking that I’m having a good time when in reality, I spend more time crying and wanting to die than I don’t. Faking that I’m capable when in reality, I am so weak.

I’m done “pretend(ing) that I’m something better than these broken parts; pretend(ing) I’m something other than this mess that I am. ‘Cause then I don’t have to look at it, and no one gets to look at it. No. No one can really see.”

(Please do listen the song simply for that portion [^] Please.)

So, here I am: extremely suicidal in a country where I feel like I don’t belong. Here I am: too exhausted to try and carve a me-shaped space into this place. Here I am: having an identity crisis of who is Kamea versus KayCee, and questioning why it feels as though there is such a huge discrepancy between the two. Here I am: resisting the everyday urge to self-harm, not even for my own sake. Here I am: seeing all of the mistakes I made and wishing so badly I can undo all the hurt and pain I caused. Here I am: wanting so badly to just disappear and never return. Here I am: wishing I didn’t have an overwhelming love for my friends.

Because if I didn’t, I’d be long gone.

But no. No, I had to care about people and have a love cultivated and nurtured for them and have a desire to witness their lives with all their accomplishments and failures. Witness how far they go even if I may not be a direct part of their lives anymore. How badly I want to see my friends (all of you) go off and do great things. Because I know that you all will because you all already have. Pride swells up in my chest as I see all that my friends have done and do. And I love all of you, overwhelmingly so.

But.

I wish… God. I wish I didn’t.

I wish my heart didn’t burst every time I saw someone I loved. I wish I didn’t look at people and think, “Yeah. This is okay. This is worth living for.”

I wish I didn’t have that.

Because then this would finally be over.

But no. I had to care about people and have people care about me. They reciprocated in ways I never thought they would. My friends have made such strong efforts and put their trust in me even long after I begged them not to because I’m as ephemeral as they come. I am fleeting, and all I will do is leave destruction in my wake.

As much as I wish I could disappear in a puff of smoke, my friends would probably see my leaving as detrimental: a destructive explosion rather than a raincloud fading away to let the sun shine.

My friends held their hands out to me and I made the mistake of reaching back. And now, they won’t release me any time soon.

How badly I wish they would. Because I am a bomb with the timer counting down. Because I’ve shown such horrible sides of myself and yet they love me through all of it. Why? Is it because I’m a project person and humans feel this integral need to help/fix people and they are using me to fulfill that craving? Or is it because they care about me? Wholly and unconditionally?

God, I don’t understand at all. I don’t deserve their love or their trust, but I have it. I don’t… understand.

I don’t know what to do. I used to say, “I’ll figure it out” rather than saying, “I don’t know.”

But… I’m at that point. I don’t know. Nor do I think I will ever.

I know that talking about this is what's keeping me alive. Having this conversation, even if people aren’t “ready” to have it, is important. Because I never EVER want anyone to feel the way that I do. But I know that there are. Some of them may even be reading this. My heart aches for you.

Talking about it is my lifeline right now. Sharing my voice and my story just in case someone may need to hear it.

But... I’m also tired of talking about it.

I hope... that people can still do it. Be a leader in pushing mental health awareness. Be a leader in showing that talking about suicide is not taboo. Be a leader in fighting against those who try to silence you, including yourself.

Even though I won’t anymore. I am tired. Exhausted. Done. It’s a waiting game for me now.

10 years since my depression manifested. 5 straight years of everyday, non-stop suicidal thoughts. Some people may see that as a short amount of time. Yeah. You're right. I'm weak. And tired. And over it.

I put in as much work as I can. I’ll just cheer from the sidelines from now on.

Good luck to all of you. To all of you who still have that drive to continue forward. I believe in you. And I know you will accomplish great things.

I wish you all the best.

i wrote the ending of this post the day that i managed to complete my plan of suicide, details and all: i was... just waiting for the energy.

it never came.

so, i’m... still here.

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iwillbeinmynest · 7 years

Text

Liar- Tony Stark x Reader(f)

Authors notes: I’ve been wanting to write this for a while, now. And praise the Lord, I finally had a moment of peace to get it all out. So here it is. My song fic for Tony. Also, Because I have so little time, I didn’t review this as heavily as I usually do, so please excuse any discrepancies.

Here is the link to Youtube for the song. Its called Liar by The Arcadian Wild and it’s amazing. You can also find it on Spotify.

Lyrics are in italics.

Notes/Warnings: None really. Maybe some self doubt and lack of sleep. mostly just tension and stress. And because it comes with reading things I write, angst.

I sense there's trouble ahead.

It's clear by the signs and warnings

that should tell where all blame is due.

So why are they pointing at my head?

He can fix this. He’ll fix it before its a real problem. That’s why he’s on the team, right? He’s a problem solver.

Hydra had made themselves public yesterday. They released a video saying that they had spread all over the globe and had infiltrated thousands of governments. They claimed to have the ability to hack into anyone’s life and ruin them if they opposed Hydra or whatever future plan they unleashed. They threatened everyone’s lives and the lives of those they cared about.

It scared Tony to his core. He was worried about his friends, sure, but mostly, he wanted to keep you safe. He was Iron Man. Surely, hydra was coming for him soon and he knew the best way to get at him was through you.

If they got to you, he’d never survive it.

Tony chewed on the end of his pen while he tapped and fiddled with the hologram in front of him. If he could just fix this in the next day -the next two days- then things will be okay. His failure with Ultron flashed in his mind but he shook it off and kept working. This time would be different.

It had to be different.

All have been led astray.

We've all fallen short in some way.

Please understand I'm ashamed.

and I beg of you, please find your grace.

“Tony,” You sighed his name. “We can handle this if it becomes a problem. Remember the last time you jumped the gun on a world crisis?

Tony shook his head and huffed. “Ultron was a fluke. Is no one ever going to let that go?”

“For all we know it’s just a bluff and they’re just trying to scare everyone.” You tucked yourself into the covers beside him and noticed the tension in his forehead and shoulders. “You need to relax a little,” You cooed. “It’s nothing we can’t handle.”

Tony shook his head again. “This is different. If I can just configure the program to find the discrepancies before-”

You silenced him with a hand on his arm. “Stop.” You said calmly. “Don’t over think it. You don’t have to work yourself to death over this, Tony. No one is in danger, right now.”

“Right now.” He repeated. “Why wait till there’s a problem when I could potentially eliminate the problem completely?”

“Because people have tried that before.” You wrapped your arms around his waist and he sighed. He knew you were on the edge of frustration so, he choose to drop it with you. “One man can’t take down all of Hydra. Don’t take on that burden by yourself. You’ve seen what it did to Steve.”

‘Cause I'm not in a right state of mind.

I just wish I had strength to admit it.

My stubbornness will put up a fight,

but I don't deserve to win it.

I'm left in the dark pondering my mistakes,

but in the light I swear I will,

deny it all.

4:54 am.

Tony finished his fifth cup of coffee and collapsed into his favorite chair. He closed his eyes and let out a heavy breath. Why couldn’t he figure this out? Why wasn’t he smart enough to save everyone? Especially you. If nothing else, he wanted it to work for you.

“Boss?” FRIDAY called quietly. “It’s five in the morning. Shall I start your morning coffee?”

“Is it actually morning if you haven’t slept?” He mumbled.

“I believe so, Boss.”

“No.” Tony grunted as he pushed himself up from his chair and started turning off his computers. “No, coffee thanks. And tell the Mrs. that I don’t feel well and that I’ll be sleeping in this morning.”

“You do realize she’s already awake? She’ll know I’m lying when she doesn’t see you beside her.”

“I know. Tell her anyways.” He chewed the inside of his lip as he looked at the monitor that displayed his prototype. He rolled his eyes at yet another fault in the design and switched off the screen.

He shuffled quietly through the compound and back into your room. He yawned as he crossed the threshold and swallowed hard when he found you walking out of the bathroom with a heavy look of disappointment on your face.

“When did you leave?” You crossed your arms.

“Right after you fell asleep so, ten thirty? Somewhere in there.” He walked to his side of the bed and kicked his shoes off before wrapping himself in the covers.

You felt your lip quiver and the sting of tears pricking your eyes. You took a deep breath to steady yourself. “There’s a meeting today at ten. You can’t sleep through it, we need you there.”

“I had FRIDAY set an alarm for me.” He muttered with closed eyes.

As upset as you were, you leaned down and kissed his head before heading out on your morning run.

I sense deception to come.

Honestly, truth and I are never one.

‘Cause I am the lying man

and I have made you my next victim.

Maybe he was right. Maybe you should be more worried about this. But you’re an Avenger and so is he. The two of you can handle anything. If only he would actually let you be around to help. You knew of his past even though you’d only been with the Avengers for a few years. He was Tony Stark, everyone knew his past, he was a pretty public guy.

But this, this crazy plan he had, if anything went wrong it could do a lot of damage. And as much as you didn’t want it to, his faults and failures always flashed to the front of your mind when he got like this. He obsessed and wouldn’t sleep and he’d be so tired that he would make a mistake. And mistakes for Tony Stark were as big as his victories.

You stopped mid-run and tried to catch your breath. This is Tony. This is the man you love. No matter his past, you loved him and you would support him, right? He’s got this under control.

He can handle this...

I need you to see through my act,

to tell me I'm wrong,

to take off the mask,

or else I'll be left in the lie.

I'll deceive my way straight to demise.

Sleeping was useless without you beside him. He should have slept when he had the chance.

Tony tossed and turned and wrestled with the monster gnawing at his stomach. Something was wrong. Why weren’t you as terrified of Hydra as he was? Why did he seem to be the only one panicking about them rising into power. He kicked at the sheets, suddenly feeling like he was on fire. Why was it so hot, all of a sudden?

He needed you.

He needed you to remind him who he was.

But he had blown you off when you tried earlier and then he ran away to his lab the first chance he got. Because that was what he did. He obsessed over something so much that he forgot that you were the reason he did anything. He kept missing moments with you.

And there was no one to blame but himself.

‘Cause I'm not in a right state of mind.

I just wish I had strength to admit it.

My stubbornness will put up a fight,

but I don't deserve to win it.

I'm left in the dark pondering my mistakes,

but in the light I swear I will,

deny it all.

I am the host of this hostility.

I'm the master magician that makes you believe

I'm real, I'm not fake, but in reality

I'm a lying man.

“You can’t fix this by yourself, Tony.” Steve said sternly with a hard finger pointed his way.

“I’m not saying I can.” Tony smiled. “I’m just saying I think I have a solution. Look, I know the whole Ultron thing comes to mind but this is not the same situation.”

“Isn’t it?” Wanda interjected. “You’re worried about the world, Tony. You were worried then and you’re worried now. That’s what drives you.”

“Okay, no mental probing before noon, remember?” Tony squinted his eyes at Wanda and she tilted her head to the side incredulously. “Of course I’m worried. Hydra called up out in the video two days ago. They’re coming for us and those we love so, yes you’re right, I am worried but that doesn’t compromise the sincerity behind this project.”

“Your project isn’t fool proof and what if it takes on a life of it’s own?” Steve cut at Tony again. Tony threw his arms out and they landed back at his sides with a slap. Steve ignored his fit and continued. “Are we going to take out another city trying to correct your mistakes?”

Tony snapped and cursed at Steve. “I have this under control! I won’t release it until it’s perfect but I need help making it that way!” Tony huffed and covered his insecurities with a smile. “I’ve got this.”

My life's become this grand game of deception.

My mind's ignored all my heart's good intentions.

We all feel this tension.

We all have our own illusions.

“It’s not like I’m the only one here with city sized mistakes under my belt.” Tony crossed his arms and pursed his lips. “Cap you’ve lost plenty of people in your severed lifetime. Barnes- well we all know about your past. Nat? Wanda? Y/N?” Tony looked around the conference room and nodded when Steve and the silent parties avoided eye contact. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Don’t pretend I’m the only one here who’s messed up. We’ve all got problems, at least I’m trying to change and make sure more people don’t die. Excuse me for thinking you’d want to try and do that, too.”

‘Cause we're not in a right state of mind.

We all wish for the strength to admit it.

Steve sat in the floor of his room with his head in his hands. All his lights were off except for his bedside lamp that cast an eerie shadow beside the super soldier. If only the memories would quiet. If only he could forget her face, then maybe her passing would be easier. He reached into his pocket to pull out the rusted compass that had helped guide him during the war. The picture was new; the old one had rotted away but, it was her. He still had a few friends; some old, most new. But without her he felt a little less than.

He wished she were here to tell him what to do. She always knew what to do.

Our stubbornness will put up a fight,

but we don't deserve to win it.

Tony sat in his chair. The lab was dark, save for the hologram emitting a pale blue light across Tony’s face. It was finally done. He’d run the tests over and over and everything had come out the way it was supposed to. So, why was he worried to present it to Fury?

This had to work. Hydra can’t control the world. He had to be the one to fix this.. It has to be him. If it’s on his friends heads, or worse yours, he’d never be able to forgive himself knowing he could spare everyone the pain. He couldn’t let there be another Sokovia.

He crossed his arms and rested his forehead on his elbow. He’ll rest for a few minutes, then, he’ll ready the presentation. Just five minutes.

No we're not in a right state of mind.

We all wish for the strength to admit it.

You stood in the black hallway, watching through the glass as Tony finally lay his head down to sleep. Thank goodness, you were worried. He’s been working non-stop on this.

You turned on you’re heel and marched down the hall.

“FRIDAY?” You called.

“Yes, Ma’am?”

“Print out all of Tony’s work. I’m taking it to Fury.”

“Now, Ma’am?”

“Yes and cancel Tony’s alarms, let him sleep. I’ll present it for him.”

“Are you sure?” FRIDAY asked. You never responded.

Our stubbornness will put up a fight,

but we don't deserve to win it.

“Director Fury,” You offered a small smile. “I know Tony has had some issues before but, this time is different. I’ve seen his work and I’ve seen the tests and diagnostics. This plan: it works.”

Fury pursed his lips and looked down at the file you’d set on his desk. “You do realize how this looks don’t you?”

“Yes, Sir, I do.” You nodded, all traces of your smile gone. “But I’m not here as his wife, I’m not even here as his friend. I’m here for him as a teammate. He can do this, Sir. I support this completely.”

Nick stood from his desk and looked you hard in the eyes. You prayed that he couldn’t tell that you were lying. You were here as his wife. You were here because Tony needed a win. And you were here because you wanted him to be right about this.

“Does Rogers support this?”

You swallowed hard and looked down.

Nick nodded and picked up the manila folder stuffed with papers. “You know we have computers, now right? You could have emailed me all of this.”

“I know, Sir.”

“Stop calling me sir. I’ve known you since you were seven.” He gave you a gentle grin and you returned it. “There’s a lot in here.” He said after looking through some of the sheets. “This is a lot of work. That video only came out three days ago. How’s he doing with all this on his plate?”

Suddenly, it hit you. If you were wrong about this, you’d take the blame.

Well, at least it wouldn’t be on Tony.

We're left in the dark pondering our mistakes,

but in the light I swear we will,

“He’s fine.”

deny it all.

“We’re fine.”

Deny it all.

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showingthroughtome · 7 years

Text

spit fire - chapter eighteen

You said I'm steady playin’, you steady playin’ too

But then she listened to J. Cole’s album. The entire day was spent with her feeling slightly hung over but even more in love with the lyrics of the fellow North Carolinian. By 2 in the morning, she was buzzing with the words of Deja Vu in her bones. She had to talk about it with someone and could only think of one person that she wanted to discuss it with. So, ignoring any time zone discrepancies, she returned Harry’s phone call.

read below - catch up here

In December, Noa turned 21 and J. Cole released a new album. One of those things was something Noa had been patiently waiting on for her whole life and the other was something she should've been.

On December 27th, right as the clock hit midnight, Molly knocked on the door of the guest bedroom and came in with her younger sister - chocolate cupcakes and a tiny flask wrapped in newspaper comics in hand. It warmed Noa to the core to be remembered in that way. Not for years has she celebrated her birthday at midnight nor has she gotten a present so skillfully wrapped. She blamed it entirely on the thirteen-year-old girl she had met two weeks prior and not on her best friend of nearly three years. Still, they smiled as they ate the cupcakes and talked about the plans the older girls had for the following day.

Molly left just thirty minutes later and left Noa alone to rest so she'd be ready for all the alcohol they'd start consuming at breakfast - mimosa made by Molly’s mother were simply the best. And in the morning, Noa learned that waffles made by her dad were even better.

Farrah surprised Noa halfway through the breakfast, popping up behind her and shoving a bottle of coconut rum in her hands. The bottle was consumed that night easily, causing Noa to fall asleep in that guest bed with Farrah curled up beside her after mere moments of laying under the sheets.

She was so out of it that she hadn't even heard her phone ring the four times Harry tried to get a hold of her.

---

4 Your Eyez Only came out on December 28th. J. Cole dropped it out of nowhere, almost as if he planned it for Noa’s 21st. Waking up that morning, she had so many texts from various people screaming at her about it that she almost missed Harry's name on her screen. All it told her was that he called her a few times - maybe to tell her about the album, not remembering it was her birthday at all.

She considered responding but didn't have a clue what she'd say to him. She imagined her first interaction with Harry since their last phone call many times and quite frankly, she expected it to be at a basketball game weeks from then. She kind of hated the idea, but nevertheless, she felt safe in it. She felt like her heart couldn't be hurt if she held off on talking to him for as long as possible.

But then she listened to J. Coles album. The entire day was spent with her feeling slightly hung over but even more in love with the lyrics of the fellow North Carolinian. By 2 in the morning, she was buzzing with the words of Deja Vu in her bones. She had to talk about it with someone and could only think of one person that she wanted to discuss it with. So, ignoring any time zone discrepancies, she returned Harry’s phone call.

Harry,

Noa, it's like 7am. What's up?

Have you heard the album?

Yeah, course. You kind of brainwashed me into loving him.

Excuse me. Not brainwash, showing you the light.

Fine, you showed me the light and now I have a whole new album to be mind blown over.

Right? I don't think I've done a single thing other than listen to it. I'm pretty sure I haven't even eaten today.

What the fuck, Cherry? Go eat!

It doesn't seem important when songs like Deja Vu exist.

Ya know, I particularly liked that one too.

Bet you did.

Struck a chord, really.

Yeah.

The phone line grew quiet as both thought over the meaning of those words, of the words J. Cole rapped that told about loving a girl from afar even though she already had a guy.

Well, I just wanted to make sure you heard it.

I have indeed.

So then….

Nothing else on Harry's part.

I have to sleep now. ‘Night, Harry.

Morning, Noa.

---

Noa didn't talk to him during winter break after that. That entire phone call was a product of excitement combined with sleep deprivation. Noa woke up the next morning feeling so dumb for even calling him - because she knew she was hoping in the very back of her mind that he would remember her birthday, that'd he say something that kept her from feeling so lost from him, but he didn't say anything remotely close to it.

She wasn't mad at him for it or anything, she was just mad at herself for thinking that he thought about her like that after weeks of no contact.

Now, winter break is over and she's back on campus. The dorms opened the day before and Noa had her first shift back in the diner for the semester - something she has scheduled for three days a week so she wouldn't be so broke.

The fact that she doesn't have any money doesn't stop her and the girls from going to the mall. Noa is an amazing window shopper after all. She can easily stare through the glass into a store, see an article of clothing she'd love to try on, and then simply walk past it, no second thoughts held.

It only makes sense that she runs into Harry in the food court - somehow, he is intertwined in everything she does. When her thoughts aren't on him, he appears.

The girls spot him first, standing by the pretzel stand as Niall and Harry sit at a table, eating Chinese food and talking about whatever they talk about.

“You going to talk to him?” Molly lifts an eyebrow while grabbing her salt free pretzel, casual and disinterested as if she isn't all but drowning in desire for them to reconcile.

Farrah has no problem acting out her emotions, “You definitely should.” Her eyes are pleading and her lip almost pouts.

It took a few days but eventually Noa told both of them all about what Harry said to her, how she forgave him because she knew he did a shitty thing but even more so, because she knew him. She told the girls how she had to say no to him since her lungs were constricting with the want to say yes but her heart was aching with what would happen if he somehow got away from her again.

Molly understood without any argument, though she did voice her opinion - if you want him, get him. Farrah tried to grasp the concept of fear and uncertainty but ultimately she sighed out a long, “What the hell? You guys are so it for each other. You guys made up so how are you not having sex right now?! Damn!”

Noa hesitates in the mall. She looks around and surveys the area, checking for any other familiar faces. Then, she lets her eyes fall back on him. “You think?”

Grazing her teeth over her bottom lip, she contemplates if it'd be weird to walk over to him and if she did what she would even say. She can't determine a reason why she should even do it in the first place.

“Yes, girl.” Farrah rolls her eyes and shoves her shoulder. “Be friendly. You're friends, right?”

“Um, not really.” They've never really been friends. They were either bickering or pushing each other against walls, half naked, pulling for more than they could grasp. The remnants of those feeling hit her hard as she watches his strong jaw move tightly with every bite. “Plus, I don't have anything to say to him.”

“Fine then. Let's go.” Molly loops a hand through Noa's arm and begins to walk with her in the opposite direction. “No use in staring at him like a creep.”

The way Molly says it is totally a joke, getting Noa to laugh but Farrah to nod in agreement, “Yeah, it was getting animalistic.”

“What? Really?” Noa looks behind her, wondering if she was staring hard enough for him to notice again. Turns out she wasn't, but that final glance back catches Niall's attention. He points her way, casting Harry's gaze towards her as she slows down with the girls. In an awkward situation of not wanting to actually go up to him but not wanting to be rude, she throws out a stunted wave and smiles as he returns it. He gives a grin of his own, one that trips up Noa that much more. Noa wants to stare at it for a while - like that day she woke up before him and found him smiling in his sleep, dreaming up something good. This time though, she can't.

She turns around once the exchange is long enough to be considered friendly. And grunts, “Fuck. I hate this small ass town.”

---

It's almost exactly a month since the last time that Harry and Noa talk before they do it again. They have another class together - Kinesiology 240 - on Tuesday/Thursdays. As usual, she is in the room early that first day, watching as everyone waddles their way through the early morning. Molly pops in at 9:20 and sat down right next to her. Cara arrives 3 minutes later, sitting right in front of her. And even though the seat to Noa's left is empty, when Harry walks in two minutes prior to the start of class, he sits as close as possible to the teacher - furthest from her as possible.

Noa thinks he doesn't even notice she is there until the teacher makes them go around and say one interesting thing about themselves.

“Hello, my name is Molly and I once broke my arm after I tripped over a banana peel.”

“I'm Cara. I have seven brothers and one sister. We stick together.”

“Hi. I'm Noa. My interesting fact is that I have read every Junie B. Jones book out there, even the ones that were published like, only four years ago.”

An interesting fact was the thing Noa hated the most about the first day of class but once she figures out a good one to tell, she doesn't mind it. She doesn't even like Junie B. that much. Sure, she enjoys the stories but after realizing at fifteen that she had read 22 of them, she had to read all of them. It was an embarrassing but fulfilling day when she went in the store at 17 and came out with the final book of the series, if not a little bit sad.

She never told that little tidbit to Harry and tries not to notice his airy chuckle, though, she did assume he would get a kick out of it.

After class, while everyone is ruffling the syllabus into their bags and rushing out of the door, Noa stands around and discusses lunch plans with the girls. Cara and Molly both have a class coming up but they'll be free by noon to grab something with the cheerleader who only takes two classes a day.

“Hey.” Harry approaches from the front of Noa, slowly and with caution.

Noa smiles a simple, “Hello.”

And like they had practiced it, Molly and Cara begin backing away and splitting up to leave from doors at opposite ends of the room, barely greeting Harry.

He watches them with amusement written all over his face, and when it's just him and Noa, he jokes, “Wow, do I know how to clear a room or what?”

She can't help but giggle at the circumstances at which the two cheerleaders left. “Nah, they just have classes.” She reassures him even though she thought she probably should've let me soak in self-doubt for a few seconds.

“Yeah, me too. I should get going but I have enough time to say hi. How are things going with you?”

“They're good. Had a good break with Molly's family.” Speaking in monotone, Noa shrugs. “Christmas was whatever but New Year's was fun.”

“You were 21 by then.” He sticks an elbow out to catch her side lightly, raising his eyebrows and showing off those dimples she hasn't seen in person for weeks and weeks and weeks.

Him remembering her birthday would've made her trip up on its own but paired with the sight of him, the warmth of his presence that is lighter than it's been in months, has her biting her jaw and mumbling, “Yeah.”

She begins to head for the door, slow enough so Harry can walk beside her and their conversation doesn't have to end.

“Happy birthday by the way.” He nudges her again - with the palm of his hand lightly pressing at her shoulder where her thrift store leather jacket covers her skin. “I don't know if you saw but I called.”

She tries her hardest to remain unaffected even though she can almost feel him through all of those layers. Still, she can't help that her body moves the tiniest bit away from him, like it is protecting her from his touch.

Blinking several times, she recalls the morning after her birthday. “Oh yeah, I was pretty drunk that night so I woke up the next morning with a hangover you wouldn't believe and didn't even want to look at my phone…”

“But J. just had to release that album, huh?”

“Such an asshole for that.”

They get to the door of the classroom and he stops, getting her to turn around and look at him as his jaw drops, “Yeah right! It’s good enough that it got you to call me.”

“It’s fucking brilliant, okay?” She would've called anyone if she knew they'd have understood - it just so happened that Harry was that person. She doesn't like the look he's giving her now - a cheeky one that reminds her of ones he'd shine at her last semester. She's rolling her eyes and changing the subject quickly as she continues her journey. “How was your break?”

Noa can't see his face at this point because she's walking ahead of him, but if she could she knows she'd see a suppressed grin.

“Good.” He starts, then rethinks. “Well, mum was like how she always is. I don't think I went a day without her asking if I made time to practice but yeah, like, she wasn't too bad this break.”

That gets a genuine smile out of her. No matter what happens between them, she’d want anyone to have good time with their family. Maybe it's due to the fact that she's never really had that or maybe because she's less cold hearted than she thinks she is, but she beams, “That's so good, Harry. I'm happy for you.”

“Thanks.” Harry exhales as Noa slips a look his way. “How was your mum?”

“Um, I don't know. Still haven't spoken to her.” She walks out of the door that Harry opens for her and into the cold winter day. There hasn't been any snow this season yet but she really thinks it has to happen soon. For the sake of the damned polar bears, the earth needs to chill the fuck down.

Harry looks confused, a little shocked, then questioning, “Not since that one time?”

“I tried but couldn't bring myself to.” Noa admits to Harry in complete honesty, not even second guessing why when the next words roll off her tongue. “I saw her at the bus stop and she didn't look great. Then when I tried to go home for break, I saw her laughing it up in the living room and physically was unable to open the front door.”

Somewhere in retelling that small story, she feels her features turn sad. It is like a tangible thing that can physically be pulled out of her whenever she lets her mind wonder there. Harry has to see it even though she does try to cover it with a tight-lipped smile.

“I'm sorry, Noa.” He's shaking his head - reminiscent of a disappointed parent from an hour-long TV drama.

“Nah, it's okay.” She tells herself more than she tells the boy walking next to her. “I mean, I haven't heard a thing from her or about her in six weeks but if I don't think about it, she's fine.”

“Noa…”

She feels his hand again on her, this time a few fingers grasping onto her upper arm to slow her and get her making eye contact with him. Like a ton of bricks, she realizes she's acting like she used to with Harry. She's acting as if they haven't spent weeks without seeing each other and months without being real with one another. She has no clue why. She just fell into it out of nowhere, as if it is an undeniable habit.

It causes her to be flushed with embarrassment as she checks her surroundings - just to come back to reality and see that they're in front of the athletic learning department and not in his warm bedroom.

“Actually,” She shakes her head and clears her throat. “You've got to get to class and I have a bowl waiting for me in my backpack.”

“Noa.” Harry, confusion on his face once again, repeats as she starts walking backwards away from him.

“See ya around, man.” She smiles and waves and turns towards her dorm, ruffling through her backpack to find her one hitter with slightly shaken hands.

---

Speak of the devil and he shall appear... or whatever.

Noa is getting out of cheer practice for the night and her phone is ringing in her pocket but her hands are too full for her to even attempt to grab it. She's got her gym bag and backpack on and a couple of towels and a radio in her hands. It's not until she gets back in her room that she can pull her phone out and check who tried to contact her.

She hasn't looked at her phone in hours but the only notification on her screen is a single call from her mom accompanied by a voicemail. It catches her off guard since her mom is never one to leave those - but really, she's never one to call to begin with.

Noa thinks about ignoring it for a minute, maybe even deleting it before she listens to it. Then she remembers how secretly worried she's been and how grateful she is to know her mom is still alive. She swipes the voicemail left and holds the phone to her ear, listening intently as her mom's raspy voice sounds,

“Hey, Noa, sweetie. I was just callin to say hello and that I miss ya. I don't know where ya been but ya need to come on home and see this new TV I got with some money I won at bingo. I been real good since we last spoke. I know it's hard for you to believe but I have been. Swear it, sweetheart. I been wantin’ to call ya so when that boy stopped by today, it was clear to me that I had to. A young girl needs her mommy. So, come on now, visit me. I love you, baby girl.”

That boy?

Noa slams her phone down on her desk.

What boy?

There is only one that would do something like this - simply because there is only one boy that she talks to that would even know to go to her mom and of course, they had a conversation about her earlier in the day.

Noa lunges for the door, leaving her phone behind, speeding through the hall and running off the energy anger like that gives her.

---

“Fuck you!” Noa pushes on Harry's chest as hard as she can as soon as he exits the stadium, not moving him an inch. She's been pacing outside of the door for at least twenty minutes, building up that rage if nothing else. A thought to storm into practice crossed her mind but wasn't entertained for more than a few seconds when she remembered how much of a hard ass the coach was.

Harry's face was one of pure shock, not knowing what hit him as his friends continued on without him, leaving him to whatever he got himself into. Noa goes to push him again but he catches her by the shoulders this time and holds her back. “What the hell? Noa, chill!”

“Fuck you for butting into my life!” She shakes her shoulders so he’ll let go and backs away without losing any of that sharpness in her tone.

It comes back to him then - what he did to piss her off so much that she came to him with this much aggression. He grunts and advances for her, probably to comfort her, but now she doesn't want to be any closer to him than necessary to yell.

“How dare you go to her? You know that's none of your business.” She points an accusing finger at him, harsh like you would with a dog that's done something wrong.

“Oh get off it, Cherry!” Suddenly, he's the one sounding mad and aggravated and all together over her shit. His voice grows in volume until he's at her level. “You told me all about your mum, looking so sad and in need of a little help. How could I not do something?”

“It's not your place!” Barking back, she squeezes both her hands tightly.

“You made it that way!” He's dropping his gym bag off his shoulder and rolling his eyes at her. “You got into my fucking head and made it where I had to go make sure she was okay for you. You think I wanted to skip a class on the first day of the semester? I had to do ten extra laps in practice because of it.”

“I didn't ask you to.”

“You know, you don't really have to ask? When people care for each other, they usually do things to make sure the other is okay.” He laughs, but not in a friendly way - not in a way that Noa recognizes as the Harry she grew to care too much for. It's one of those superior kinds of laughs that people give you when they think they know more than you.

Noa takes a few steps towards him just so she can really get in his face when she repeats herself, “Fuck you. You’re such an asshole, you know that?”

Harry takes a moment to look her up and down, both of their chests rising and falling due to the yelling. Slowly, a calm smirk slinks across his lips. “I’m really not.”

Hate consumes her then - pure hatred for the cocky basketball player. She always knew he was this way and feels so dumb for ever spending six weeks thinking she was in love with him. All that emotion, all that betrayal manifests in a slight tinge of brimming at her eyes. Not due to sadness but just an effect of her anger, she holds back her tears and warns with everything in her, “Stay the hell away from me and my family. Don’t talk to me ever again.”

“Noa.” He's shaking his head and opening his mouth to say some bullshit thing, surely. Though, she can't allow that so she continues.

“One last time, fuck off.” She's backing away from him for the second time that day, except this time it's not because she was getting too comfortable again, it's because she’s never felt so much distrust in her life - not even when he kissed Nina. He yells her name a few more times but she barely hears it over the racing anger of her heart.

The entire walk back, she replays everything he said, every condescending word thrown her way. And she's just so confused. She thought they weren't ready for each other but now she's wondering if they ever would be? How could he ever think she'd want him to go to her mother? That's one thing she never wanted Harry to see and now he's gone and ruined that. He's broken that barrier without even letting her have a say.

Sarah Cherry was never meant to meet Harry Styles. Sarah wasn't meant to know how nice Noa was making her way on her own - she didn't get to have parts of Noa's life. And Harry wasn't ever supposed to see just how screwed up her mother is.

It's getting dark and Noa is staring up at her dorm where she knows she should go. She decides against it and finds herself on the steps of the library, feeling really sorry for herself about the boundaries Harry crossed. Instead of calling someone to cheer her up, she sits there for hours and swears to herself that she's truly and completely done with the guy.

Authors note:

first i wanna say that i know j cole is mentioned heavily in this but the song lyrics are chance the rapper but listen, his lyrics are being saved for the next couple chapters.... the good ones.... the ones that get me in my feelings.... like seriously, go listen to deja vu right now!!!

anyways, i hope you guys like this and i hope you let me know what you think! we are so close to the end. i have like two more chapters to write and then an epilogue. so 19, 20, and an epilogue!?!?!? wtf howd that happen! 19 should be out in like two weeks or so. hold me to it or i might forget. finals are in like three weeks so it would be longer. idk. i love you all though and i really do hope this story is turning out alright. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF HARRY! is he the wrong one this time or maybe he was really just trying to help?? (im leaning towards the latter) ok! bye!!!

#1dff #hey! its been a while #tell me what you think?#sorry it took so long #college sucks big time and friends you have here kind of suck just as much but also its the best time of your life so you have to live it up #but you can cause youre alone so you dance around to mumford and sons in your room by yourself #cant*****#yeah #so sorry #venting #sf chapter

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daimonic-clown · 6 years

Text

Desperate Opportunities

It was always said by the elders among Suramar, “If the night skies vary, mark the end of times.” It was not the end, at least not yet. The barrier stood, and as far as everyone was concerned, the world did not exist beyond the walls and magical barrier. All that truly existed was Suramar City. This was no less true for Cathiir, a child with his shelter under the bridges of Suramar. He seemed to be debating something, shaking his head frantically, and to passerbys it may look as though one child was pressuring another to do something he did not want to do.

They would have been right.

“No, Elodine, no! That stuff makes me feel woozy, I can barely focus and I– I–”

“And you do that cool thing? Come on Cathiir, please?” She pouted at him. Cathiir crossed his arms and turned his back to her.

“What happened to the ring I got you, huh?” He turned his head slightly, a prominent, childish frown on his face. The sort that adults would warn them would stick if they kept it that way.

And he did not hold that back. “I’m sick of Sildor taking our stuff! I’m going to get caught at some point, Elodine! Those guys will catch on!”

“I’m sorry, Cathiir.”

His father (who had adopted him) had been alive before the barrier even existed. As Cathiir stood on the balcony to the large manor his family owned, he stared up as the sky slowly became exposed.

The advisors and the Grand Magistrix herself had to have been aware. Though they could do nothing. Some days had passed after Cathiir witnessed this most wonderful and fearsome display and he was told by the other young shal'dorei that ‘demons’ were about, patrolling, and executing dissenters.

Public execution.

It had only been a week when Cathiir felt the desperation sink into his stomach. He was sitting in his family’s manor, and a thought rolled through his head. The advisors to the leadership of Suramar who disagreed with the Legion’s siege and wanted to revolt were executed just the same as commoners. Though here his father was, sitting, eating among them.

Then, just like that, it left him. It all faded when he convinced himself of the reason why he had arrived here. He was in such a daze he had forgotten.

He was waiting for someone to arrive. He was waiting for someone so he would know the best course of action. Though for a while, all he was left with was memories.

And for now, it would do.

It was the dead of night. The bustle of homeless shal'dorei quieted, and Elodine had been asleep.

Cathiir laid in his bedroll, eyes up at the bridge above them. He stared at it and tried to count as many discrepencies as he could. It… was not a long process, truthfully. Almost no cracks or even points, it was entirely smooth. Though he started to become good at noticing them nonetheless. He was not about deluding his time-wasting distraction, but rather, give practice to what he was about to do.

If he could notice the problems with even a perfect structure, he could notice the problems with a horribly flawed plan.

That was when a voice came out of seemingly nowhere. A girlish voice, “You know, if you keep breathing that loud they’ll find you for certain!”

It was Elodine, who, well, was as awake as he was. The surprise of this caused Cathiir to twitch, then lose his focus on the spell entirely. “Elo!” He quietly said.

Cathiir nodded at her. “Good, because if you keep giving up all our best stuff, he’ll start wondering how I do it.”

Though for once… although it may have been the alcohol speaking… he felt as if it would all be fine.

#wow #rp #nightborne #oc #cathiir #cathiir 1

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