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#could be longer
chuckhansen · 9 hours ago
giving an oc an expiration date is such an odd feeling .....
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#insp: jeremy#granted it’s like 30 or 40 some odd years down the road bc i’m not that cruel but 🤕#usually i just keep adding on scenarios and bits of their history and never really if the whole dying thing (except for ocs that ....#were literally made to die)#but anyway ..... the apex virus is ... somehow reactivating but instead of successfully communicating with jeremy’s system it’s...#doing the complete opposite 😞#be probably gets the news right before the lanshiang incident but idk yet#during his routine bloodwork they start to see some funky changes and they’re like welllll it might be nothing ....#unfortunately it is NOT nothing#they think the first time it communicated in his system successfully was a one off thing#a fluke that the scientist just kinda ran with bc it hadn’t happened in other trials#i’m sure if he had gotten to test more like he wanted to (before jeremy and the others escaped) he would have found that while his body#could handle it for a TIME it wasn’t indefinite#the BSAA did what they could to curb it but the worst case scenario kinda happens#it won’t turn him anything crazy and he won’t lose his mind but it IS slowly killing him#it’s attached itself to his body in a way they can’t understand so end up being able to slow the damage down so he can live out his life#but they can’t cure it 😔#they basically told him it’s a roll of the dice at this point you could have 10#or 20/30/40 years before it finally kills you#but it’s no longer an IF situation it’s a WHEN#it won’t get passed down to the kids that’s a fact#i don’t care abt science his kids are free of that mess#it’s not something he lets dictate his life from that point on tho#he knows everybody dies .... it’s an inevitable part of life#it just hits a lil different being given a timeframe#instead of it happens when it happens
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edenamarosa · 9 hours ago
vent , ignore
#i literally dont know how much longer i can hold on#and i have no one to ask for help#i am fucking terrified#because i know what ive done before in this state! and i know it isnt an option but i feel like im losing control#i am completely and utterly alone anymore like i have never been and that is so scary#like i actually have no one to talk to no shoulder to cry on ive always at least had someone#i always used to FEEL lonely but i wasnt actually and now i am :)#dont want to d*e in the slightest but i do not want to exist#not right now at least.#i just cant understand why i cant have a break#i think ive suffered enough all i want is to be happy i just want to start a GOOD era#but there are so many things holding me back from even the slightest possibility of that right now#if i could get one load off of my shoulders i KNOW i could manage. if i could physically be well i KNOW i could manage#but when its everything at once i am sincerely fucking struggling#there are few things/people that have helped me all these years and ive managed to tarnish all of them#genuinely nothing feels right everything feels so OFF all the time#i just want to fucking restart#i have so much life dysphoria its repulsive. nothing is going how id like it and its been that way for so long no matter how hard i try#i need professional help NOW or else im going to completely shut off and go numb#but it feels impossible to make the phone call! ive been trying!!!#i know if i could just get started itd be fine but of course getting started has to feel like the hardest thing ive ever done#:)))))))))))))))) good god#like im aware of how pathetic this is and i know that im better than this#idk how ive let myself get here#and its so hard not to be angry at everyone. i feel so hateful lately and i dont like it at all that isnt me#oh and envious. why do others get to be so happy why cant i be that right now#like im happy for them but why have i been held back by so many things#why cant i follow through with goals i set#why cant i start things. why cant i remember things. why cant i understand people. why am i so paralyzed all the time. unable to act.#why cant i understand people and why cant i be my best for myself and for everyone i love so much!!!!!
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redshiftsinger · a day ago
not-very-researched, preliminary hypothesis which may or may not be total junk:
The associative link between autism and being transgender is in some way related to the way that a brain forced to function on a hormone balance it is not optimized for handles the processing of sensory information.
Supporting evidence: anecdotal reports from a lot of trans people who go on HRT, that sensory changes are part of the experience, and particularly, that regardless of which direction a person is transitioning, they consistently report liking the mental/sensory effects of HRT, indicating that it is not that a particular hormone has across-the-board sensory effects one way or another, but that brains can be optimized for a hormone balance that is not necessarily the one that the body they get to drive naturally produces.
(yes I would love to hear more anecdotal reports on the topic from primary sources)
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crickelwood · a day ago
thinking about baby hawkeye and hawkeye’s mom and scenes that couldn’t make it into maple syrup
“Ben’s asked me to take him to the museum after school every single day for a month,” Hannah says one night after she’s slipped into bed with her reading glasses on.
“I don’t mind,” she explains quickly. “It’s not a long drive.” She takes her glasses off and smiles. “I actually think it’s kind of... interesting. Kind of... I don’t know.” Her smile expands by the second. “I think he’s trying to see everything. Like, I think he’s trying to learn the whole thing.”
“I mean, how many seven year olds you know you want to read every single plaque at the art museum?” 
“Not many,” Daniel concedes. He props himself farther up. “So... so he likes the museum. That’s all right.”
“That’s what I figure. When he gets tired of it– if he gets tired of it– I’ll try and take him to the library. Maybe he’ll try to read every book.” 
“Now that’s something I’d like to see.” 
“I– I like him!” Hannah, says, putting her book aside entirely. “I don’t– I mean– I love him, he’s our son, I’d love him no matter what, but Dan, I like him! I think he’s really charming. Is that– is that weird?”
“No, I don’t think so. I like him, too. Guess it works out we didn’t keep the receipt.”
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thefrostysoldier · a day ago
so anyway.
#i don't want to exist and i want to relapse so fucking bad and i don't even know what specific way maybe all maybe i'll just have-#-a COMPLETE and TOTAL relapse. yeah. maybe i'll do that.#i want to shut off from the situation so bad but i can't without shutting off from them both and i don't want that.#i'm still convinced they don't actually want anything to do with me and they're just biding their time until it's easier to get rid of me#i am not going to increase the likelihood of that happening by shutting off from them first.#as much as my brain is telling me to do just that i refuse to.#i'm just so fucking exhausted. i don't know how much longer i can keep this up#i'm trying so fucking hard. i really am. but if it's not wanted then i need to know that now#i can't keep trying only to find out later down the line that it's not wanted. that'll absolutely destroy me.#i really don't think i could come back from that.#so i need to know now. is it wanted. is it not. is time needed. space. do i need to try harder ? i can try to try harder.#i can try to do better. be better.#i just need to know.#what do i need to do to be okay#because i don't know how to be okay without things being okay.#i really really am truly trying to make things okay. but i really can't tell if it's wanted or not.#i don't know.#i just don't feel good. i feel sick. i'm so tired. i missed my extension deadline for the same reason i needed the extension in the end lol.#i don't want any of this.#text post#my posts#personal#relapse mention //
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crazy-walls · a day ago
for the fanfic trope thing: fake dating/pretend relationship - the classic
ohh i would definitely write that - and have in fact done so already, just for marvel though ^^ would write that again! as for the pairing, i honestly think it would be great with Skinny in there - either with Peter (absolute disaster!!) or Bob (could be a bit more on the fun side I think?), maybe for a case or something... 🤔 now you got me thinking! :D
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commonaleksander · a day ago
woke up furious that alina doesnt destroy the fold early on thinking it will end all wars and bring peace like a dum dum and accidentally causes some of the worst conflict they’ve ever seen now that the 3-4 nations can reach each other easily, forcing her to go ask for help from her prisoner, the darkling :( 
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maraczeks · 2 days ago
the office s7 thread pt 2
#may 7 2021#HOLLY COMES BACK THIS EP THIS IS JUST IN CASE I GO EMBARASSINGLY INSANE#SCREIAAJJSKDNFNFNFJDJSKDJJDJFHFJDKRJFJSNDJDKENJSBDJSNAKAKDHAHAHHHHDJFIDKSJFJELAMAOOAOFIJTEJSKHDKA#WHATTHEHDGEICJKKKDKSJHSNDFKWLWHATCHEHEHRJKSJDJCKAND#AND SHES STILL W AJ I FREAKING HATE IT HERE#I KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN HUT#I HHHAAAAA#actually gonna kms were practically engaged#she's so hard to read facially rn#THIS IS SO SICK WHY ARE THEY FORCING THEM APART THRHDHHDJXNXJDJFJCJXJFI#IT COULD BE SO SIMPLE I HATE EVERYTHIBG#IT WOULD HE SO EASYYYYYYY TO BREAJ THEM IPPP#SHE REALLY AANTS KIDS#THERES SOMETHJNG SO PERSONAL ABOUT AMY NOW BEING A MOTHER AND ABT TO MARRY ERIC VS HOLLY BEFORE#AWWWWWHDJDJJFJCJCKDKFHDJFJVNXBFKDNDKSJF#JEALOUSY I KNOW TAHTS RGHT#he did not just#i can't do this much longer#there's so much to unpack helpfrjjwbdkebdksnfjsmxk#i mean obviously i wish there was no aj or angst so they would get back tgt quickly#but the material....#im so fragile and inconsolable over a freaking sitcom couple that gets like idk not even 20 eps HELPPPLSDJKFBGBHSJL#WHY DOES ERIN NOT SEE IT#im tkaing screen caps and recordings now lmaoo#4/5 of these screencaps are useless idc#the breakdown is unendingg HFWEHJKLSDFH SHES SO LIKE LOOK AT HER FACE TELL ME SHE ISNT IN LOVE WTFFFF#illl literally kms#no why are the writers so obsessed w one half being taken like jim pam karen just stoppp at least they didnt do that w benslie i cant stand#triangles#HELP IVE BEEN TAKING SCREECAPS OF TWO MINUTES FOR THE PAST LIKE TEN MINUTES KJDNBFJ
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traumacure · 2 days ago
ugh i wanna move out already i'm sick of everyone wanting me gone
#everyone hates when i'm around they hate my presence they hate my company they don't want to talk to me they don't want to know me#my family thinks i'm just a nuisance they really do they want me gone they hate me so much just like they always have#i'm sick of them pretending i'm sick of them acting nice every once in a while just admit what's always been obvious already#just admit it already just admit you find me loud and annoying and messy and weird and unbearable and you hate having me around#admit it already admit it admit it i know it's true even if you won't admit it to yourself i know you never loved me#i know what love feels like and it's not this#it's not the way you treat me like a burden and an inconvenience who always takes up too much space#you've always liked me best when you don't have to think about me my presence has never done anything but grate on you#it's obvious to me even if you're still in denial i know how hated you all make me feel i know you'd rather i just disappeared already#i know it i know how unwanted i am i've always known i'm not an idiot i hear the things you say the way you talk when you think i can't hear#i hear it all i hear everything and i know you've probably said even worse when i couldn't hear#these walls are too thin and your voices are too loud but i don't care i don't need you to like me i don't need my family to love me#i've made it this far without your love and i'll keep going like i always have i don't need it i'll love myself even if you can't#i don't wanna die with this same self-loathing you sowed in me i'll learn to love myself like you all never could#i'll prove how much i never needed you soon enough i'll be rid of you and you'll finally be rid of me too#just a little longer now#i just have to grit my teeth and bare it a little longer until i can get out for good#vent#🩹#👥##💢#🏠#🚬##🤖#💙.txt
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kdromo · 3 days ago
Word of Honor - thoughts on the drama vs. the novel
Props to the screen writer of WoH for making it so much more than the source material. The drama is a huge elevation of the story and characters compared to the novel. The drama provided greater depth and likeability for the characters and story, and developed the relationships far more than the novel did.
Even though the drama is censored, I enjoyed WenZhou's relationship far more in the drama. Their relationships blossoms beautifully throughout. They are flirtatious and tender, and their deep connection, love and care is evident from early on. And the chemistry between the actors is just so amazing. The screen writer also makes great use of poetry to express their love. This all just created a wonderful romance which outshone the novel. The only thing really missing in the drama is for WenZhou to outright say "I love you". But there was almost no need because they were already saying it in every other way possible.
The drama also gave me the found family dynamic I crave. I was a little surprised that novel Chengling isn't as close to Wei Kexing as he is in the drama. There is also a bit more distance in Zhou Zishu and Chengling's relationship, with it feeling more like a teacher/student relationship. A-Xiang and Wei Kexing's relationship is pretty similar between the drama and novel, but Zhou Zishu and A-Xiang's relationship is sweeter in the drama. For A-Xiang and Cao Weining we get to see them fall in love in the drama. In the book it's love at first sight for Cao Weining, but we don't get to see how A-Xiang falls for him.
In the drama, they all truly acted like a family and they refer to each other as such. It was also so sweet that Chenling's daughter's name means in memory of A-Xiang, showing he truly viewed her as his older sister. The drama also made Wei Kexing and Ye Baiyi's antagonist relationship so much funnier. Ye Baiyi really felt like the grumpy grandpa with the trio.
Additionally, I really liked the changes they made to the characters overall. The novel never delves much into the secondary characters, thereby never allowing the reader to develop any real feelings towards them. On the other hand, the screen writer took the time to dwell on the secondary characters and make them more intriguing and interesting. They also introduced some interesting dynamics between certain characters which I loved. This is especially true of the Scorpion King, Liu Qianqiao and Tragicomic Ghost.
Overall, the novel is good, but I wouldn't recommend it. It took me a weekend to read so it's not too long, but it's vastly different from the drama.
Other thoughts...
I had hoped for happier endings for the secondary characters as we actually got to like a lot of them. But even though it was devastating, climaxing the story at the wedding was a great change. It gave us an illusion of a happy ending before shattering  everything. Though it made me cry, it was one of my favourite episodes. Which I can’t say for the finale. The finale felt rushed and they seemed to just cram in a lot of things without proper build-up. And that ending… I’m just thankful for the special episode.
Overall, WoH was such a wonderful surprise. I had just finished The Untamed and did not expect much when I watched WoH on a whim. I certainly didn’t expect to fall in love with the story and characters. It’s only a shame I caught everything at the end.
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makotoisneat · 3 days ago
I think that my biggest thing with naegami and what separates the good naegami from the bad naegami is weather or not they're able to get to a point of seeing each other as equals. That's why I only really like post game naegami, since with how I personally characterise them they would need to know each other for a lot longer than they do in game to get to that point. In game, Byakuya feels like he's above Makoto, even if he is lugging around a big ol crush, and most of the time Makoto either feels somewhat intimidated by him or just. Straight up doesn't give a shit abt him. I'm not necessarily saying that a relationship that early on would be unhealthy (although that's also true) I'm mainly saying that I don't think they'd even try to date at that point dhdbdv. Byakuya is waiting for Makoto to start being a big suck up and confess to him and the most Makoto thinks about Byakuya is to just be kind of confused by him. Even without my own personal biases, I just feel like for their relationship to work, Byakuya would need to be able to stop being a pompous asshole for five minutes and learn to stop treating Makoto like he's his servant or something.
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mercuryislove · 3 days ago
okay beloved mutuals and friends, if you are so inclined you can send me a number between 1 and 247 and I will post a sentence or two from the corresponding page of my currently completed second draft
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thewillowbends · 3 days ago
Logging in briefly to drop thoughts on Shadow & Bone:
1.) The word building is pretty good. The Fold is a nice, big, scary problem driving the main conflict.
2.) I can see why they combined the two series because, uh, Mal and Alina are pretty boring, aren’t they? Lol. The Darkling is definitely the stand out character from the trilogy, and if Kaz and crew weren’t there, you can see how boring it would be once he goes ~over the line.~
Which is like...why? Why not have the obvious — and actually meaningful for once — love triangle? Why not a redemption plot line, especially after showing us a fifteen minute backstory of how completely fucked up Aleksander’s backstory is? (Notice how he had to be flattened and dumbed down shortly after.) It would certainly have made Alina a far more interesting character. Completely unsurprising Darklina dominates the fanfiction. Kind of a shame Netflix wasn’t willing to diverge from the primary material a little more because it probably would have made the story stronger and more nuanced.
Literally guys, if you could just switch the villain/heroine storyline dynamic for S&B and the Star Wars sequels, it would vastly improve both stories, right?
3.) Goddamn Ben Barnes is so hot. The rest of the cast is more in the cute territory to me, but Inej’s actress is also bangin’.
4.) Mal and Alina are kind of terrible friends. I guess it’s supposed to be romantic that they’re each other’s “true north,” but they racked up quite a body count getting back to each other with their dumfuckery, didn’t they? Those poor cartographers.
5.) I find it bizarre how many writers want to write characters like Danaerys and the Darkling being driven to extremism or madness by the horror of their experiences but don’t want to explore the nuances of what it says about generational trauma or the world they inhabit. We can’t just keep writing villains and heroes who use violence to solve problems and only creating a nebulous moral reasoning as to why the latter is to be celebrated for it while the former is not. do you watch that backstory in episode 7 and think it flattens Aleksander as a character? He represents a people who have been on the wrong side of genocide for literally centuries, both from internal and external enemies. He’s already tried serving the crown to get respite and lost everything for it. Their enemies to the north want to wipe them out, too. The only reason they have any protection now is because Aleksander carved out a space and weaponized them. He’s literally the only one doing anything! His own mother wanted him to leave the rest of the Grisha to die! He’s not wrong to think he and the rest of the Grisha are in danger if they aren’t in power.
It’s just...vaguely uncomfortable to continually see traumatized, nuanced characters turned into villains and then not letting any of the moral complexity that turned into extremists touch the heroes, too. The big obvious elephant in the room is that The Fold is being carted around as the way he could have brought the world to respect Grisha by using his power alongside Alina. Fine, but the story doesn’t examine two huge issues there: 1.) He had to create The Fold in the first place to make something big enough to make the statement of Grisha power, so essentially making the world embrace Grisha requires them to fear their power (“Make me your villain”) first before they can be amazed by it, 2.) you just showed us in ep. 7 that he had no reason to believe that destroying the Fold would ensure Grisha safety! The king’s already betrayed them once! (For that matter, character complaint here: why doesn’t he bring up Alina’s Shu heritage as an appeal to knowing being different makes you a target for danger?? Why doesn’t she make that connection??)
Just so bizarre to me how you can miss the real core of what’s interesting in the story.
6.) This is of course me telling you I’m total Darklina trash. Aesthetics, baby.
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