#cos I'm not expecting to get back together but I'm also v aware that she's intentionally leaving ambiguous doors open

[colourmeastonished]

✌️

#oooof I'm going through the backlog of my original songs and tryna record them into demos #and it's fun as hell and gr8 to be creating again #but Bruh I wrote a lot of bangers about my ex and can't decide if I miss her or if I miss having Big Feelings being reciprocated ✌️ #bc to paraphrase the og fanatasy high guidance concellor: there's a lot of big feelings in the room #a lot of the time I'll take a feeling and wrap it up in a constructed narrative or like write about general themes rather than #specific people or incidents #but I sure did write a song that straight up evokes what it felt like to be deep in my feelings for this chick ooof #can't tell if I should be trying to move on more or if it's ok that there's still this lingering vibe of unfinished business #cos I'm not expecting to get back together but I'm also v aware that she's intentionally leaving ambiguous doors open #by like keeping open channels of communication and making a point of still signing messages w an x #which sounds like an Overthinking thing but it was like... a plot point in our relationship 😂 #the presence or absence of an x is very intentional like we've had this discussion #but anyway... I think I just miss her and its weird to know that when life gets back to normal she'll be like a presence in my life again #bc of our shared social circle #and idk what that's going to mean and I don't know if it's going to mean anything but oh boy she sure was cool as hell you know?? #and I miss talking to her & making her laugh and sure I'm being realistic idk if we're actually good for each other #but... 🥺🥺🥺... yeah... #gamer girl #my thoughts

[btsareyandere]

Duty pt2

(Warning - A follow on that contains references to trauma and mental deterioration)

Jin continues to glance down at you as he takes you to the bedroom and settles your weary body on the sofa by the window. 

You hiss in pain when you get into a seated position but stifle it as quickly as you can because above all else, letting him know that you’re still suffering the sensation of his dick inside of you, would be the most painful. 

“Why don’t you sit still for a few moments then take yourself to the bathroom? Don’t bother having a complete shower, you’re not dirty. Just clean up the mess between your legs and come back to me. I’ll pick you some clothes”

He rambles on as though not much had just happened but you’re in shock. There’s a strange white noise that's buzzing inside your skull, made worse by the throbbing pain in your chin and the fire on the end of your tongue where the flesh is missing. Your body is alive with pain and sensations yet your mind remains entirely empty and slowly darkening.

Something feels incredibly foreign inside of you, there’s something unrecognisable about the way you feel in your skin now yet it has felt Jins touch many times before.  

Jin clicks his fingers to get your attention before he bends down to meet your lowered gaze, 

“Princess. I was talking to you and when I do, I expect an answer.”

You open your mouth to let a few submissive words fall out yet when your crusted lips part, blood dribbles out and onto your lap. 

He watches the scene in front of him and frowns, Jin has never been one for the sight of blood. 

“Well...never mind. I’ll let it go this once. How about you just don't speak for the rest of the day”

You nod and fold your hands over the crimson stain on your white dress so as not to anger him but then you smirk slightly. You think to yourself how when you stand, both the dress and the sofa will bear the mark of his brutality towards you and he won't know how to handle it. 

You tense your lower abdomen and contract your walls, forcing more of his seed that's tainted with your blood, to leave your body and create more of a mess. This may be the only way you get some revenge. 

You turn your smirk into a complete smile and look him directly in the eye. 

“I’m rested enough. I’ll go change now”

Jin eyes you suspiciously. He just told you not to speak which is one of the causes but also, only moments before, you looked so dead. Your skin was ashen and pasty, your eyes were empty and cold and despite being in receipt of the best diet going, you had suddenly adopted an emaciated appearance that had him on the verge of worry. Now here you sit, bold and smiling like nothing had occurred. 

He stands and looks out the window behind your head,

“then go wash up. You have five minutes” 

You nod your head happily, spring to your feet and make it to the bathroom in a few short bounces. 

Once that door closed behind you, however, all the pain you’ve been concealing shows up and contorts your face into something haunting. The plan you had, to make him feel uncomfortable is gone and suddenly, you have no cohesive thoughts, just distress. To see yourself in the mirror is shocking. Do you even recognise the woman staring back at you? She’s got different eyes, her hair has a lot less shine and volume than yours and then there’s her skin, the complexion is awful, tainted and bruised. You never look like that, Jin wouldn't allow such a hideous sight, you’re always well put together and presentable, you always look amazing and perfectly obedient, your lips always carry a smile so why the fuck is a broken human looking back at you?

Your breathing is ever-increasing but still failing to keep up with the racing of your heart. 

“I need fixing” You mutter to the flushed-faced victim in the mirror. 

You touch your cheeks with the tips of your shaky fingers but don’t feel anything beneath them. It’s gone, it’s all gone, you have nothing left of yourself now, Jin has taken it all, even the ability to feel. 

“it’s okay, I'm okay. Hot water, get the hot water and I'll be able to feel it again. It’ll burn and I’ll know I exist, plus, it’ll cleanse me, I'll be clean again. God, I look so dirty, Jin won't be happy with me” you chastise yourself for your appearance whilst trying to find the words to self-soothe as you run the tap to get the hottest water possible. 

Steam is billowing from the faucet now and you’re ready to know that you are still someone, someone who can feel, be clean and whole. 

You watch as the pasty limb moves under the flow of scalding liquid but don't react when it becomes submerged. 

“No!” you shout, voice breaking at the end. 

Panic is consuming you and forces you to splash your entire form with the water in a desperate attempt to break free of the numbness that has taken hold of your body. 

Despite the fact that Jin brings you pain and is the direct cause of this agony, you rush out of the bathroom in search of him; a man who you have learned has the power to do anything. 

“Jin! Jin!!” you scream into the vast expanse of the bedroom. 

“Baby?” He shouts back as he hurriedly exits the closet. 

He scans you quickly and notes the angry red burn on your arm, along with the dishevelled look of your clothes and the manic expression on your face. 

“Baby what's wrong. What have you done?”

You grip his forearms and shake them to gain his undivided attention. 

“Jin, Jin, please fix me. I can't feel anything it's all gone. Jin someone is looking at me in the mirror and I think she's me but she’s ragged-looking... I don't look like that right? ‘cos I know you don't like that, you would never allow that. I don't look like that...do I? Jin..make it better. I'm begging you, I’ll behave and be on my best behaviour, I promise to never disobey you again.. just please give back whatever it was you took from me”

The words catch in his throat and prevent him from saying anything, the brutal sound of your wailing has choked him like nothing else could. The true extent of what he has done to you is sinking in and he's suddenly aware that there might not be a quick fix.

You sink to your knees and begin to drown both of you in tears. They flow rapidly from your overworked tear ducts and the ones that touch your burnt arm, almost evaporate when they make contact with the raised temperature of the skin there. 

Jin joins you on the floor, actually on his knees which is a sight you've never seen before. The commotion inside of you halts instantly as every part of the body you reside in, is focusing on the way he lowers his head. 

“I do love you” He whispers. 

You can't respond and so silence ensues. It drags out longer and longer until a cracking sound makes you look up at one another in the eye. Instinctively, you know what it was and move to hold a hand over your heart where you feel as the final piece of it breaks away and tumbles way down into your abdomen. The last place for his love to be stored within your body is now gone, he obliterated every part of you. 

You reach out to take his hands, seeing in his eyes that he knows what he's done. 

Leaning in, you place one cold kiss on his lips and whisper 

“Please give back what you took, Jin. I need you to save me”

@jinnenchimchim @v-2bucky @hxfflepxffx

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