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#coping with chronic pain
balkanradfem · 2 years
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So I’ve been starting to swim in the cold river in order to deal with muscle tension, anxiety and chronic pain. Being submerged into very cold water helps with muscle tension, I read up on it and found out that some athletes will go and take a cold bath to fight their muscle pain.
I also saw other women living in nature doing it, they were all northern and used to cold living conditions, but I figured that me, living in a southern area, would be cool with it just as well. All my friends disagreed and we even made bets on whether I’d get sick. I never did.
The primary concern is that when you enter a cold river, your body goes thru a ‘cold shock’, and is likely to cramp your limbs and then you could drown. I learned that in order to fight that response, you have to take very big, deep breaths and your body will un-clench and you’ll be able to move. It takes a few moments but it prevents any kind of cramping or panic in cold water.
Now if you’re wondering why would one want to enter a cold water for no good reason, it’s like, the absolute best feeling ever. I don’t have anything else to compare it to, the more I do it, the more I love it. After a few seconds the water does not seem cold, it feels exhilarating, the adrenaline hits your body so hard, moving around in the water feels freeing and healing, after you get out, you feel heated and your body is radiating with warm. All muscle pain goes away, and for the next hour, you feel absolutely relaxed, limp, as if you’re not mentally ill or in chronic pain at all. It never fails me no matter how many time I do it.
I had a very weird morning today, I woke up after several intense nightmares, and couldn’t get up for a while. After I did, I just grabbed a few plants and without thinking went to the garden to calm down. Having fingers in soil and observing my baby plants helped, but then I also thought, well now it would be a good time to go inside the river, and it would settle at least 60% of my symptoms. I was still very upset, dysregulated, in pain.
But, I haven’t thought that far when I took off, I only took my plants with me, I haven’t taken my swimming trunks or my undershirt that I usually use for swimming. So my only option would be to swim just in my underwear and shirt, but then again I only had one shirt. I was trying to figure out a way as I got to my usual swimming spot, next to the field, and I peeked if anyone was there. Nothing and no one. Sometimes, there would be a person on the other side of the river, but that didn’t concern me as much, as that person is most certainly not going to swim up to me to bother me, when the water is so cold.
The air was clear, so I figured I could do it. I stripped all the way to my underwear and went swimming. It felt incredible, like I was doing something extremely natural and normal. Yet, I felt a bit bothered by the idea that if someone saw me, it would have been considered indecent, or obscene, or even inviting a sexual assault. When I got out and got dressed safely in the cover of the shrubs and trees, I started feeling the weight of living in a world where this isn’t normally available or safe for us to do. We’re discouraged from just entering the river naked, even in secluded places, not because it’s undesirable, but because it’s unsafe. Isn’t that ridiculous that we shouldn’t do something so harmless and pleasurable just because the predators might take it as an excuse to harm us?
I’m now upset that I have to wait until separatism before I can just do this safely whenever I want to. I don’t feel exactly safe doing it in my trunks and undershirt either, and make sure nobody is nearby who could come close to me. But it’s unfair. I should get to live in a world where all activities in nature are safe for me to do.
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pyjamacryptid · 4 months
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This flare-up’s taking its sweet time stg
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stillfuckingtired · 5 months
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Hey, did you know that swearing, particularly repeating the same swear word over and over, can improve pain tolerance by up to thirty something percent? That being said FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK MOTHER FUCKER MOTHER FUCKER MOTHERFUCK
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catmat · 1 year
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Having a chronic illness makes you realize that you thought you were surrounded by a bunch of friends, family, and doctors who cared but instead shows you how few people are actually concerned about you and your well-being.
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utilitycaster · 10 months
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I've gotten a couple replies of "and that's terrifying" on this post about the more stable members of Bells Hells, and, to be honest, hate that, so let's talk about it.
There's a couple reasons. The first that I still don't know who the fuck thought the Issylra half of the party split would be Team Levelheaded and not Team Abandonment Issues, because, well, it's the latter. The second is that there's been a near constant undercurrent from quite early in the campaign of "oh Orym...he's going to break...he's a powder keg" and while he's decidedly not a powder keg, we did get him finally breaking a bit, and suddenly everyone's like "HORRIFYING that the guy I kept claiming was uniquely angsty is now having a harder time with the party split than the other characters whose equally tragic backstories I've consistently ignored, diminished, and dismissed."
All three of the Bells Hells characters in Team Issylra have issues related to loneliness and being left behind, which is a common thread through the party, but notably, Fearne, FCG, and Chetney being more stable should not be surprising nor scary. Resilience isn't tied to whether or not you're somewhat chaotic, or have mechanically-induced loss of control, and that's what we're talking about here. The reason why Team Issylra is having a rough time of it - and specifically why Laudna and Orym are falling apart whereas Ashton is doing comparatively well - is because they've been constantly pretending things are okay. Chetney, meanwhile, genuinely does think the worst thing that happened to him fucking rules, and has the age and perspective and sheer survival instincts to pull through; FCG has, within the story, had to face some horrifying realizations about himself and so has some tools for this kind of situation; and Fearne is to be honest still learning that consequences are a thing that happens, but she has dealt with a few profound disappointments and is sitting with them - she openly admitted she's not terribly impressed by her parents.
On the other hand, I think Orym has worked through the earlier stages of grief, to be sure, but he's put a brave face on over it and tried to look at the bright side. Which isn't the worst idea, but it means when the things he's built that idea of a bright side upon - Keyleth's infallibility, his relationships within the Crown Keepers - are nowhere to be found, he doesn't have anything to take hold of. He adjusted to one devastating change by clinging to the constants, and now that many of the constants are gone too, he has no mechanism to process the change in their absence.
And this is Laudna's whole deal, right? I do in fact agree that her initial death was still the worst thing that's happened to her so far, but that doesn't mean she can't still be incredibly upset by major events. It's comforting to know you've survived worse, but it doesn't necessarily help you actually get through a slightly less terrible (but still pretty terrible) situation. She says she can't stop compartmentalizing or she'll cry - but like, she'd probably feel better if she'd just spent the second watch crying. Like Orym, Laudna's developed this idea that she can will things into being okay, and in the end, she can't. Leaning into the "Today SUCKS" attitude would, honestly, help her, and I'm hoping she does so.
Ashton meanwhile doesn't have healthy coping mechanisms, but they do have coping mechanisms that work in this situation (namely, drinking and hitting things). He also, more importantly, has no investment in pretending things are okay. Ashton thinks the world is full of utter bullshit that will fuck you over, and the point is to get through it, and sure, it's a very cynical mindset, but there's a reason why toxic positivity is, well, toxic.
As a sidebar, I also think that Ashton has, fascinatingly and despite their drunken talk with Laudna on the skyship, put their abandonment issues into perspective. Ashton is able to handle the current situation because, logically, they were teleported to a random location beyond their control and with no capacity to contact other people, so it's reasonable to assume the other half of the party is in the same position. No one abandoned anyone. To quote Ashton themself, actually, from episode 25, "Sometimes shit's just fucked up, and the only thing you can do because you didn't do anything fucking wrong, is get the fuck back up and do the exact same thing all over again knowing that there was nothing to learn." On the other hand, the fact that Milo saved Ashton makes that particular situation worse. If Ashton had been left to die in the street and a random uninvolved stranger picked him up? Then you can at least imagine the Nobodies had to leave, or couldn't pick them up for whatever reason, or even perished themselves. The fact that Milo was able to make this choice means the Nobodies also had the ability to make a choice, and the choice was to leave them behind, and that's what stings, and that's the unique loneliness, and that's why this situation isn't comparable.
So anyway, in summary, it's unsurprising the two people who have handled grief and tragedy by trying to quietly (in Orym's case) and not-so-quietly (in Laudna's) smooth it over are finding themselves completely unable to do so and barely holding together, whereas the people who allow themselves to be upset or, frankly, just go apeshit, are doing much better.
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chronically-izzzzle · 2 years
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hellyeahsickaf · 2 months
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I put the BRO in fibromyalgia babey
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90% of the time I'm like ambivalent about the concept of romance and then I watch or read something that hits too hard at the little domestic intimacies and feel like my entire ribcage is collapsing from loneliness, you know how it is
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shaved-zebra · 3 months
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chronicallyuniconic · 6 months
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Within an hour of eating my breakfast I am fighting back sleep again. It's as if I've been drugged with the strongest sleeping pills or am being put under general anaesthetic for surgery. "Count back from 10" but I can't even get to 9.
My eyes just want to close. Every time I blink, my eyelids want to stay shut. This is physically painful to fight. The body jerking. The straining. The force to fight myself into awake mode. It's not happening.
I'm gonna have to go back to bed. I wouldn't drive in this state. It's similar to being drunk. That drowsy, uncontrolled feeling you hold about yourself after one-too-many.
My shoulders are heavy, knees weak, vomit on my sweater already, mom's spaghetti, my whole body is simply aching. Is this dying? Where has my energy gone even after a night of sleep? Why does my brain have this relentless desire to simply rest & enter sleep mode?
When is this going to stop? Will it? I don't want to be here in this state.
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furiousgoldfish · 2 years
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It’s not your fault if you can’t get it together right now. It’s not your fault if all you can do is refresh social media or obsessively play video games or over-indulge in entertainment only to distract yourself from the pain because you can’t stand feeling it in full capacity all of the time. It’s not your fault if you can’t get up today, or clean or tidy up or make yourself presentable.
Distraction and rest as a form of easing pain is valuable. Anything you can do to make your pain more tolerable and less devastating is good for you! You’re not doing wrong by resting and distracting, you’re making your life somewhat livable. And it’s okay to want to be able to do more, but if this is all you can right now, know that you’re doing well. You are still as valuable and respectful as any human being, and you deserve nothing but compassion for having to deal with exhaustion and pain.
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tavyliasin · 3 months
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The Abdirak Essay - Fandom, Pain, and Loviatar's Love
Another day, another Lia Essay - and if you're really really deliciously sinful my very dear darlings, I shall give you yet more when the sun rises again upon the morrow. So, today in Niche Fandom Adoration Hours, I give you:
For The Love of Loviatar: Why Discomfort Can Be Delightful, How Agony Alleviates Anguish, and All The Ways Abdirak Fans Are Also TavyliaSin's Very Favourite People (Who Also Probably Need A Hug) ((Do We Love The Long Titles?)) (((If No, Consider This Essay Title Part Of Your Penitance)))
The themes of this essay will discuss: BDSM, Kink, Chronic Pain, wounds/injury, Acute Pain, Mental Health, mentions of harmful behaviours, a discussion of psychological elements from someone with absolutely no formal training or experience, vague mentions of trauma, and the magic of friendship. So please make sure you are in a comfortable place within yourself if you feel any of the above might be difficult to read for any reason. It is ok to skip sections as each has a topic header, or you can leave at any time. Nobody is judging you for that at all. Additionally, NSFW discussion further through, so minors DNI as usual. Very little of my blog will ever be suitable for under 18s, for your safety and for mine. Editing in to add a link to the Abdirak fandom gift to chronic pain pals A Cameo from Declan (Abdirak's Performer) (Fully SFW)
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All that said, the main theme of this piece is actually:
To truly understand suffering is to avoid being its cause.
So, let's understand what "Suffering" is first, shall we, Dear Ones?
The Difference between Pain and Suffering
Lia hasn't completely lost the plot darlings, the two words may seem almost interchangeable but they are not. At the very least, this is the interpretation I have and the discussion that follows will stick with it too~ Pain is the sensation itself, whether physical or mental, it is the hurt, the bruise pressed upon, the moment a heart breaks. That is pain. Suffering on the other hand, is the effect that the pain has. It is the anguish, the torment, the overwhelm and the exhaustion. So, whilst two people might have the same pain, let's say a stubbed toe for a simple example, their suffering might be very different. One might feel able to walk it off, maybe swear a little and move on. Another might need to sit immediately, feel tears in their eyes, or even become utterly overcome by misery from the intense sensation. This might sound like a difference in tolerance, but it can also be seen as taking the bigger picture into account. One brick might not feel so heavy to someone with empty hands, but added to a pile of bricks already carried it may feel as if it weighs a dozen times as much.
What about Abdirak? How does he relate to Pain and Suffering?
When I first heard Abdirak speak, I knew he understood this concept to its very core. His goddess wants pain, but in himself he does not seem to want actual suffering. He does draw a different line, with pain being physical and suffering being the mental aspect, however the principles are very close to my own. Some people might see Abdirak and judge him as cruel, as a torturer delighting in anguish, but that could not be further from the truth. When he speaks of delivering pain with a loving hand, that really is meant. When he was speaking to the player character, for a moment I felt so intensely seen when he speaks of seeing a greater suffering.
"Forgive me, but that look in your eyes - something terrible has happened to you. ...I see those same eyes when I look in the mirror, dear one."
This, to me, was such a moment. He recognises trauma easily, and we also have this chance here to either interpret this as "oh, right, the tadpole stuff, the things in the game" or we can allow our own feelings about a player character's backstory as the interpretation of what he has seen. Either way, he immediately offers to alleviate that suffering with pain, something he is familiar with, something he knows to help from personal experience. There's the important point. His motivation is not to cause hurt, but to relieve it.
How does pain make anything better?
Deep breaths loves we're getting to the heart of a few things here and it may get heavy. At the most basic broken down level, right at the bottom of everything, it's about distraction. Pain is instant, sharp, a sensation that draws our nerves tight and fires off that electricity directly into our brains. It takes our attention and focus away from whatever else is on our minds. Usually? This would be detrimental, to be unable to concentrate on something because pain is intruding. However, think back here, "delivered with a loving and measured hand." This is precise pain, sensation that is welcomed and applied with expert care in order to reach that point right between where pain is suffering and where it cuts out the thoughts. BDSM darlings will know this as similar to "subspace" which I will discuss later~ Whilst there is some short term benefit to using strong sensation to distract the mind and alleviate intense distress, if taken into real life scenarios there are a lot of things to consider, and it is far better to speak with a therapist. Though the most commonly suggested low-harm methods can be things like gripping an ice cube for a minute or two, or even something like exercise that can push the mind to focus on the body instead of the source of the distress. The element of penance is also there. Abdirak brings to the fore those thoughts of struggle and guilt, so those are the thoughts that are stripped back by the physical pain. It's intentional, careful, and taps at the other core of using pain to alleviate suffering.
Why we love Abdirak, and the importance of recognising the weight of unwarranted guilt.
Remember my little villain essay? Back then I spoke of how a love for villains can also come from the way we are prone to judge ourselves unfairly, to heap undeserved guilt at our own feet, and to believe every slight mistake to be a heinous sin. Sorry, darlings, the only heinous "sin" you are allowed to believe in is me. Name puns aside... Part of the draw is indeed right there, believing ourselves deserving of punishment it's appealing to want to submit to that and find absolution from everything we judge ourselves for. And yet, it isn't a horrific thing, it's coloured by love and affection. The Love of Loviatar from Abdirak does not ignore that first part. But I do encourage you, if you are feeling particularly called out right now, to stop seeking punishment for things that are objectively not your fault, and instead treat yourself with kindness and forgiveness. By all means continue to indulge in our beloved priest of Pain and the joy he brings, but do so without any negative self-assessment, alright? Good, I'm glad we agre- THAT MEANS ALL OF YOU. No exceptions.
And what of the Fandom?
Ahh Abdirak fandom. Small, loving, welcoming, and utterly devoted~ Similarly to villain fandom (Abdirak is obviously not a villain, but is arguably villain-coded), his fandom also draws a lot of kindness and understanding. Despite how we might see ourselves, we are remarkably free from judgement in how we treat each other. There's endless encouragement, genuine warmth, and alongside spicy takes that might make lava look like a suitable spot for ice fishing there's a profound amount of respect and consent. By which I mean, there's no shame. There's no allowance for "I hate that character you like", or "that kink is bad because I don't like it". Tags and CWs are applied to posts and works with care and nobody is treated poorly for enjoying what (or who) they enjoy in the fictional space. To go back to the quote at the start of this essay, "to truly understand suffering is to avoid being its cause." I feel the vast majority of us have that depth of insight and recognition for suffering and have the empathy required to wish to avoid it. And that is why I would perhaps feel safest in the company of Abdirak fans (and likewise Raphael fans), there's another level of connection in those tadpoles~ Which leads me neatly forwards to...
Endurance: Abdirak and Chronic Pain Sufferers
Here, loves, we're going to get a bit more personal. Those of us with chronic pain conditions may find an even deeper connection. So I'll go over a little for those who are fortunate enough to not have personal experience here: Chronic Pain - This applies to pain which is constant or frequently recurring, that lasts (and/or is expected to last) for more than 3 months. It's not like a broken bone that heals and has an end, it's not like a few headaches that come and go with little consequence, it is either always present or always on the edge of flaring up at any time. It's different to acute pain, because most conditions have no cure, many barely have any treatment so all one can do is try to endure the worst of it. The other side-symptoms can be reduction in physical ability, exhaustion, mental health difficulties (because for some odd reason constant pain is not a path to happiness), low self esteem, and of course carrying the guilt of feeling like a burden if you need help from others (you are not a burden, and anyone who says so can receive the blessing of forever feeling like there is a stone in their shoe that they cannot find). As an aside, this can apply to chronic mental health struggles too - it is still pain, only a different kind. Though I will be looking primarily at physical pain here, as that's where Abdirak's focus is. Now, where are we going with this? The difference here is in how pain is treated. Abdirak speaks of pain as a wonderful thing, as something that is sought after, that is a way of worshipping Loviatar. This is something that might feel strange to someone who is plagued by pain, but there's another quote I'd like us to remember.
"Pain without purpose is a terrible thing, wouldn't you agree?"
Chronic pain has no purpose. It's there whether by illness or injury, or some other unseen cause. It was not a choice, it doesn't bring any relief, and often it drags us right down with it.
"Please let me alleviate this pain."
And there's another line, one we wish we could hear, one we wish so very deeply in the core of our being that we could believe. That there could be someone who could bring an end to the pain even if only for a brief time, a fleeting hope of relief.
How fanworks can be a means of coping with chronic pain.
So here's the next point... What in all the hells do I mean, how can fanworks help a single thing? Well, have some personal moments. I had a deeply unpleasant flare up the other night, so I put out a brief ask to writing groups for some comforting fiction shorts. In the past, I've written a few myself - like these: Abdirak - Migraine Comfort Yurgir - Migraine Comfort Tav - General Comfort, with Audio Multi-Character Comfort Drabbles (Including Abdirak) Full AO3 fic of Abdirak x Chronic Pain Reader (Spicy, NSFW)
These are the two I received from some writers very dear to my heart who have more talent and skill than I could ever hope to aspire to in their works. Elfvamp (who does not have tumblr) (image description is attached to the image)
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and this one from @morb-untamed
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Darlings, when I tell you there were tears in my eyes at these, I mean it. THIS is just an example of the understanding and compassion possible in the community, the care and consideration, and the emotion that words can carry through them that make things genuinely feel more bearable in the moment of distress. Both captured something that it took me too long to realise. Perhaps what follows might sound entirely unreasonable or unhinged, but for someone like myself who has not known a single second of what "0%" feels like in over 10 years, it's beginning to seem far more sane by the moment. What if, within the confines of my mind, I try to rewrite the understanding of pain as something different. Just tell myself each new pain is an offering to some vile deity who has decided my mortal vessel is worthy of enduring, rather than one that is being punished with suffering. Breathe through it and listen to those character voices, find my own purpose to the pain. Let it become inspiration, note it down, get that visceral and intimate knowledge to the page instead. Naturally, this probably isn't a healthy coping mechanism, nor one that is infallible, but there have been moments recently where thinking that has made the moderate levels less distressing, easier to tolerate for a time. Perhaps it could do the same for you, but perhaps not, either way - it is there. Please do read through the comfort pieces too, and if you would like to see more - even ones with more specific aims and pains, please do just ask and I will make them happen. Either through my ask box, or in comments/reblogs, or any other way you wish to contact me honestly.
Alright, Tavylia, we've covered personal pain, but you promised NSFW discussion!
Oh my very dear darlings I had not forgotten this part~ You may here people talk about "good pain" and "bad pain", and wonder how/why pain can ever be good. It's not just about a physical hurt sensation or using that as a distraction. Pain can cause a rush of adrenaline, and even endorphins - similar to how people enjoy extreme sports, horror films, or theme parks, it's a pleasant feeling from something that would usually be scary, because it's safe and controlled. Falling from a high place? That's terrifying, dangerous. Parachuting safely from that same high place? It's controlled, there's no real danger, but the feeling of danger brings that adrenaline rush. There's the key. In real life BDSM there is control in the safe signal, in knowing it can and will stop when needed, that although there is someone causing pain they will stop at a moment's notice. (Anyone who does not respect a safe word/signal is not someone you should be in that situation with, if you are engaging in or want to try BDSM with real partners please PLEASE do your research on safety, that's too long a lecture to add here) In the context of fiction, we can go a lot further. Could a real person easily withstand Abdirak hitting them with an axe in their back? Obviously not, that's far too much. But this is a world with magical healing, and our fantasy and fiction is quite safe to extend where we find is interesting. So when reading - and especially writing - with pain and pain play, I encourage you to remember these links to adrenaline, endorphins, and that it isn't about harm, it's far deeper, and finding an understanding of that (even if you never wish to experience it) might be of some benefit to understanding those around you who have this intimate relationship with pain.
A title for the End
I think I've covered a lot here, but I do just want to round us off now. If you have any questions about this topic (or any of my other essay posts), please do feel free to ask - that's why my box is there, for all kinds of discussions to open up. Not just for smut and creative writing, but for all the ways we connect with fiction and characters. There is so much more than a single story being told, each of us experiences it through the lens of our own experience, we all find our connections in different ways, and I will have more character essays on this later. There's so much more to see, to learn, from all the interpretations throughout the fandom. I'm very grateful to be here to witness it, and for you being here to share in these thoughts and explore them more with me. Pain can teach us many things, about ourselves and others. Empathy, kindness, compassion - when we know how much we need them ourselves, we begin to see how much others may need it too. Much like how Abdirak sees the pain behind the player character's eyes, and feels that strong desire to help in the ways he knows how.
A Final Note for the Pain Pals
To my Chronic Pain Pals, darlings you do not always have to be strong. It's alright. It will not break you entirely to let go of that incessant need to try and quietly endure. Find those places it is safe to let it out, look for those tricks you can use on your brain to make Loviatar's Favour just a little more bearable. You are worthy of kindness, support, and compassion. The same you are likely giving of yourself to everyone else. You are not a burden, these are pains you do not choose, and you deserve something more gentle without any guilt attached to it. You are also not alone, find community, find those who understand.
Pain without purpose...but have we given it one now?
So I hope this time the pain has had a purpose in teaching, in helping us connect in new ways, to find compassion and understanding. Until next time, Dear Ones, look after yourselves.
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Oh hey look I know who made that gif that came up in the search~ What an absolutely wonderful coincidence ;) (And a final final footnote, hello Abdirak fan community, you are perfect and I wish you nothing but the best in all things)
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freecookiesatsubway · 16 days
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Having chronic fatigue syndrome and fibro is so weird.
Cause wtf do you mean I’m so tired I can’t move or think. BUT when I do fall asleep, I can’t sleep a full REM cycle so then I’m just in more pain.
AND THEN on top of that I’m at risk for sleep paralysis??? Like what?? Why don’t you just fix yourself??? Sleep normally pookie wookie please???
(I know that’s not possible, but it is funny).
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God help me…
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catmat · 2 years
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Do I need therapy or do I just need my body to function properly and live in a society that accommodates and supports my needs?
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arcaneacolyte · 3 months
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In honor of me having a migraine, I would like to push my "Aether has chronic headaches and migraines" agenda.
Aether who finds out the hard way that his vessel has chronic headaches and migraines and it was overlooked before he was bound to it.
Too much Quintessence magic is the biggest trigger, but then he goes on tour with Terzo the first time and finds out that there are many things topside that can trigger the worse ones, and it gets harder and harder to pinpoint what exactly triggered it from the long list of the things that *could* have.
He can't have caffeine as much as the rest of the Ghouls, because the withdrawal headaches put him down in the dark for almost a whole day.
If he forgets to eat or drink enough? Headache. He doesn't sleep well? Headache. He smells too strong of a perfume? He's in too bright of light for too long? The list goes on.
For the first year or so he's topside, it's rough but he gets a lot of sympathy and support from Terzo and his pack. He goes to Omega finally and it turns out that Quintessence Healing is just a temporary fix, and human medications can't even put a dent in it. So he just has to cope and avoid his triggers as much as possible.
After that first year, he can manage them, but obviously they don't just go away. But they're not getting *worse* persay as time goes on, but he still finds himself at least once a week curled up in bed, almost about to throw up from the pain. But they're not any worse than they have been, so Omega and the other Ghouls at the infirmary don't have any answers for him.
Then eventually the support starts to get less outwardly obvious. Sure, the others understand that if he says, "I have a headache," that means it's *bad* because he's outwardly acknowledging it, but the sympathy starts to get less and less.
He doesn't blame them, they're all stressed, and he can imagine how exhausting it gets to hear how Aether can't do something because of a headache, or they have to be quiet or he needs to go to bed early because it'll trigger a headache if he doesn't.
It becomes routine, something to manage, an annoyance rather than debilitating, even though he still gets migraines.
But he can't help a twinge of jealousy when another of the pack gets a rare headache, and the world stops turning to help them, and sympathy and cuddles and love come out in full force, and the rest do everything they can to help, when just last week he had to come out to the Ghoul common room *three* separate times to ask if the pack could keep it down just a little bit because he has a splitting headache so bad he can hardly stand.
And whenever another gets a headache he gets more sympathy for a little while. A lot of, "is this what it's like for you all the time?" And he has to shrug and say, "yeah" and offer some advice or potential solutions from his list of coping mechanisms. But eventually, when the memory of the headache fades, so does the heightened sympathy. Aether is used to it, is expected to still carry on like nothing is wrong.
Eventually, it starts to take away the things that mean most to him. More often than not after rituals he's holed up in his bunk in the tour bus, trying not to cry and throw up with how much pain he's in. The decision to retire from touring nearly kills him, as do the looks of betrayal from his pack members, especially Dew. But they don't understand, they've never truly understood, and he can't help but feel bitter. Sure, he's not the only one with aches and pains and problems with his vessel, but those things haven't taken away touring from them, one of the things that gave him the most joy in his earthly life.
Zephyr gets it, thankfully, and he spends more time with them after his retirement, and sometimes they just spend painful moments in silence together. They might be in pain, but at least they're in pain with someone who *truly* gets it.
The separation from his pack, his mates, his *purpose* almost hurts as much as the migraines do. But he does what he's always done, and just carries on.
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