#controlling art kinda seems like an impossible task to me

[midnightpillsnacking]

[Loulou*di S3V2 L 3-8] Hana-Doll 3rd Season THINK OF ME:ARK Translation

Translation below the cut. Google Drive link | Listen to the album on Spotify

Rui: Your fever’s a little high. A whole day’s rest for you seems to be in order.

Toki: But it’s boring.

Rui: Toki-bou.

Toki: Why did this have to happen when we just earned ourselves a special break…

Rui: The environment here is optimal for you to rest both your body and mind. It’s one of the luxuries we are afforded.

Toki: I get it, but still…

Rui: Is there anything you would like?

Toki: Something I’d like?

Rui: I can stop by town and pick it up for you.

Toki: Rui-san, you’re not going to stay here with me?

Rui: Would you rather I be here?

Toki: I mean, being all by myself is kinda…

Rui: Mm.

Toki: … it’s lonely.

Rui: I see.

Toki: Just a little! Just only about this much.

Rui: Then I’ll do my best to finish the task while you’re asleep.

Toki: What if I wake up?

Rui: Have PLANTs contact me. I’ll immediately return.

Toki: Something I want… Can I ask for anything?

Rui: As long as it’s something within my abilities.

Toki: I want… to have something sweet.

Rui: Something sweet? Like what?

Toki: Pudding, cake, and… macaroons, maybe.

Rui: (hums)

Toki: … is that a no?

Rui: I will do my best.

Toki: Yay!

Rui: Ageha, I’ll be out for a while.

Ageha: Out? For what?

Rui: I’m getting some things requested by Toki-bou.

Ageha: How diligent.

Rui: What Louloud*di’s Toki-bou truly needs to make a full recovery is you, Ageha.

Ageha: And here I thought you finally have some feelings like a real person.

Rui: I also have a place I’d like to go to.

Ageha: You? Have a place you want to go?

Rui: I will be back in two to three hours. If anything happens, just contact me–

Ageha: Wait. It just so happens the place I need to be at is rather remote, so I’ll come along with you.

Ageha: An art museum… I couldn’t have guessed at all that this is where you wanted to go.

Rui: You can wait in the car if you’re bored. I don’t mind.

Ageha: Who said I was bored? It’s a nice exhibition. This line map… is a scene?

Rui: So it seems. According to the leaflet, this permanent exhibition has been laid out quite systematically. Most of these pieces were donated by the bereaved families of the artists who passed away while staying in the sanatorium.

Ageha: I see. Anyway, it’s even a stretch to say that artists are creatures sound in both body and mind.

Rui: Don’t you think that’s a little too far a leap of logic?

Ageha: Willfully setting their own engine ablaze to the point of destruction, doing things that contribute nothing to the essence of existence and survival… it’s enough to make one puke. Art is that sort of thing. Every work created a reverent piece of excrement, paraded in grotesque shows called museums… It’s unfair for me to say that about them.

Rui: Unfair?

Ageha: We aren’t the exception. Loulou*di, too, is just a glorified fetish, dancing on top of a chopping block. On top of that, no matter how much you carve a piece of your soul to put into it, it doesn’t necessarily give it any meaning. When you place the value of a work on the majority vote of thousands of self-centered laymen, it becomes impossible to control the audience. On the contrary, if the true intention of the work is communicated fully, it would be considered the pinnacle of foolishness. Ha, perfection? Setting our ambitions with nobility? That’s just nothing more than crap’s worth of ego. Even bearing that in mind, you can’t stop yourself from creating something, from spewing something out. Whether the flower’s there or not makes no difference in the fact that I can’t go on with it with a peace of mind. It’s a sickness imprisoned in my body that I can’t be cured of.

Rui: …

Ageha: Hm?

Rui: No, it’s nothing.

Ageha: You’re not really one for words these days, are you?

Rui: The same can be said about you.

Ageha: Me? What is it?

Rui: The look on your face is different than usual.

Ageha: … I don’t think that’s the case, but my head’s been clear since we’ve been at the dual-use facility. As if a part of mind just left the eye of a typhoon. I’ve been able to remember that there are in fact sounds in silence as well.

Rui: Sounds in silence?

Ageha: For the longest time, there’s been a siren in my head that’s ringing like it will split my skull in half. It’s like a constant premonition, always keeping me on my toes. I’ve been grasping at straws, desperately trying to kill that sound. The fact that the world has an overflowing abundance of sounds… feels like something I forgot about a long time ago.

(Ageha and Rui get back into the car)

Ageha: The change of pace wasn’t a bad idea. Visiting art museums is a good choice of hobby for you.

Rui: Visiting art museums was a suggestion from my doctor.

Ageha: You continue to heed orders without fail… just like the obedient mutt you proclaim yourself to be.

Rui: But I understand that there’s no meaning behind it. I suppose it’s just another one of my attempts at pretending to be human. 

Ageha: Hmm?

Rui: Up until now, not a single exhibit I’ve laid my eyes on have stoked any sort of emotion in me. It’s more like I’ve been imagining myself becoming more disillusioned.

Ageha: The moment you step into the world of the arts, there’s not just one type of scenery that welcomes you. Didn’t I mention it earlier? You can’t control how other people feel about it. You’re not me. It’s clear that our opinions won’t be the same.

Rui: I see.

Ageha: Besides, it’s not like I want to talk your ear off about it. 

Rui: I guess you’re right.

(An interface lights up)

Rui: Continue the route. Arrange for a pick-up at a shop that sells western-style desserts.

(Interface sounds off as it processes the task)

Ageha: Western-style desserts?

Rui: Is it alright if we make a few detours?

Ageha: Do whatever you like. …Hm? (rolls down the window) Looks like a shower is going to come down.

(The car pulls to a stop)

Rui: Get indoors first. I’ll get the car to the garage.

Ageha: Wait. That person…

Rui: Hm?

Setsuna: You’re finally back. Rui. And Ageha, too.

Ageha: Yashiro Setsuna?

Setsuna: I have an umbrella. Coming in?

Rui: It’s been a while.

Setsuna: Has it?

Rui: I wonder when was the last time I saw you.

Setsuna: I forgot. Nobody else is here?

Rui: Just the members.

Setsuna: Hmm…

Rui: Do you have business with us?

Setsuna: It’s not business. I heard you all are here, so I wanted to see you.

Rui: In the first place, why all the way here?

Setsuna: Maintenance. But not in this building. Somewhere further away.

Rui: Do you come often?

Setsuna: About once every three months.

Rui: I had no idea. What about the other Anthos* members?

Setsuna: I don’t think everyone’s been here before. Are you curious about Anthos*?

Rui: Not really. But Ageha is, a little.

Setsuna: Really. Can’t blame him. Ageha always talks to me about Anthos*. About Mahiro.

Rui: Have you been in contact with Ageha?

Setsuna: Just a bit. Anyway…

Rui: Hm?

Setsuna: Isn’t Loulou*di going to die soon?

Rui: Why ask?

Setsuna: Aren’t you all here because of that?

Rui: The dual-use facility is a place to recuperate. We completed our tour live and are having a vacation here. All of us are in prime condition because of it.

Setsuna: Hmm…

(Ageha enters the room)

Ageha: Huh. He’s still here.

Setsuna: Ageha?

Ageha: Get out. 

Setsuna: Okay.

Ageha: But before that, how are they? Anthos*, I mean.

Setsuna: What do you mean ‘how’?

Ageha: I remember asking you to report their status to me in detail.

Setsuna: They’ve been the same. Normal.

Ageha: Well, I suppose there’s been no major developments.

Setsuna: Ah, but…

Ageha: Hm?

Setsuna: It’s been decided that we’ll be going to Dream Drama Festa.

Ageha: When… was that decided?

Setsuna: Just recently. That’s why I’ve been coming here more frequently. For maintenance.

Ageha: Rui.

Rui: I’ve heard no news about this.

Setsuna: And Mahiro will be acting in a drama.

Ageha: Was he selected by name?

Setsuna: I don’t know the details.

Ageha: Anything else?

Setsuna: Ageha. Are you worried?

Ageha: Mm?

Setsuna: Are you worried? Because of Mahiro?

Ageha: That’s foolish.

Setsuna: But Ageha asked me Mahiro that time, too.

Ageha: That was…

Setsuna: I was told that being really concerned without reason is a gateway to love. But you don’t have to worry. After all, I’m by Mahiro’s side–

Ageha: (splashes liquid on Setsuna from a cup)

Setsuna: … It’s hot.

Ageha: You just need to answer my questions.

Rui: Ageha!

Setsuna: I promised Ageha that I’ll talk about everything I’ve seen and heard from Anthos*.

Ageha: Correct.

Setsuna: But I didn’t promise anything else.

Ageha: Aren’t you a talkative one today?

Setsuna: I talked about Anthos* going to Dream Drama Festival and Mahiro acting in a drama. I kept my promise with Ageha. So, why? Why did Ageha throw his tea at me?

Ageha: I’m unimpressed. I don’t remember asking you to take pity on me.

Setsuna: That wasn’t my intention. But I didn’t say that I was.

Ageha: Full of backtalk today, aren’t we?

Setsuna: Besides, my relationship with Mahiro is always on my mind. I love Mahiro.

Ageha: … What did you say?

Setsuna: I’m… surely in love with Mahiro. I wanted you to smile and be happy for me. I don’t want you to look like you’re hurting.

Ageha: Rui. Throw this cretin out. Now. 

Rui: Understood.

Ageha: You can stay as Yuuki Mahiro’s precious pup for all I care, Yashiro Setsuna. Bear in mind that the enemy is not always lying in wait outside.

Setsuna: What do you mean?

Ageha: Who knows? I don’t feel like explaining it to you, and I don’t remember promising you that I’ll do so.

Setsuna: (in the distance) Ageha?

Ageha: Are all those without units this vague and ambiguous…? I can’t get a clear grasp of it.[1] However… The summit for idols is an existence high above where many that is impure and beyond reason lie… isn’t that right, President Amagiri?

Translator’s Notes:

This line is translated inaccurately as I wasn’t able to make out the dialogue here.

#hanadoll #louloudi #season3 #thinkofmeark #L 3-8 #snacktranslations

[unlicensed-un-proffesional]

Honestly kind of hate the “Oh I can’t be sure.” And “How can I tell?” And “I can’t do that, I’m not good enough.” Mentality. Fuck it and ball dumbass!

Yes I have tons of injuries and have had been fined for property damage, and I did almost die, several times, but I assume the majority of people are more skilled and experienced than me.

Make. Assumptions. People. You’re going to trap yourself in a vicious cycle of realizing it is impossible to know anything in the world and acting upon what you know purely factually and objectively is an impossible task to ask of any truly sentient creature. So screw the fuck up every once and a while! Get nasty scars, get embarrassing memories, say something stupid, pull a muscle and slip on a banana peel, do it! Do it! And along the way you will do great things, you will impress yourself and others, you’ll find things to be happy about, because locking yourself off from failure is also locking yourself off from success.

You made the mistake of incarnating into this world in the first place, does a few more assumptions and risks really make that big of a difference? Especially when it could make you feel so much better?

And hey, fuck around and find out! Ask things! Never be afraid to let yourself be intellectually vulnerable, to ask questions, to be blatantly uninformed and unaware, that’s the first step to information and awareness!

People like me, like my old mentor, usually don’t live that long. It’s usually the innately intuitive and durable who can make that kind of decision and live that kind of life, but that’s because there’s no support for people, for individuals who roll the dice, who really try to take a chance on life, and it puts people into this mindset of walking on a tight rope and being one wrong move away from oblivion, and in this society it’s like you can only rely on yourself, and if you aren’t already strong where it matters, taking those chances really will put you on the edge of that knife.

Which is why I think we should adopt Fuck It We Ball en mass, and begin trusting in each other more.

I met this poor guy right? On a bike, raggedy orange beard, beenie, fingerless gloves, very homeless loojing (I was walking with my stick a good few miles away from home, and forgot to bring my wallet) and he was just asking me for one dollar, to buy a pack of ramen noodles, and I said “Oh, I don’t have a dollar, I only have this one 10, but I could get it exchanged at the convenience store and give a few bucks to to you if I know where you are.” And then he asked if he could tag along with me, and of course I said “Sure!” And then not even 5 seconds later, he apologized and ran off, saying he shouldn’t even had asked. Poor guy, I was probably the first person in a long time to offer him help, and he felt so embarrassed asking he refused it. I really was ready to help him out and that kinda bummed me out you know? My brother was there also, walking with me, but he didn’t know what to say, and so didn’t say anything really, I lead the conversation.

But this guy decided to take a chance on me, and then, I decided to take a chance on him and willingly sacrifice something for his benefit, giving a resounding positive to a question so many people seem to dance around, and he just couldn’t take it I suppose. I blame capitalism.

We should all go outside, get naked, and sit in a tree. We should all do something spontaneous, like make art, and clean our entire room, and shake a strangers hand, and stop being so afraid of not knowing! Fuck it and ball my brothers sisters and other killers! Follow a dream you find in the wind! It could take you to places and people, and show you something new, something about life!

We all have to start living a little, just punching a thing when we feel like punching a thing, and dealing with those consequences, and learning, benefiting from failed attempts and lost control. There’s always something new and beautiful to be found in the world, and while we should not stop thinking and analyzing, we shouldn’t be afraid to just, say shit, and learn things.

If I really felt like I could send hate mail to people, but I don’t. That’s not what I feel like doing. That’s not what makes me or anyone happy, and why would you do something if it makes no one happy? You’d have to be an irredeemable kind of insanely evil, not an irredeemable person, but a kind of evil that lives in your heart and mind so devoid of logic hope or love, that it is something that just must be purged from our collective psyche and fought at any given chance, like fascism.

But do you know what I do love doing? Saying nice things to people. Or at least trying. Trying to be funny, put some love and light into someone’s miserable time on this mush world. I try, I really do, and no matter how much I’m yelled at and booted off, (mostly irl) how much I lose, and how many people I’ve lost, I’ll never stop trying to be someone who loves and lives, and trying to infect other people with that kind of love and life also. And I think we all should try a little more for each other, for yourselves, look towards your fellows trapped in here and do it for them. Look inward at the universe that resides under your skin and do it for yourself. Just do it.

I may be stupid, but I’m worth something, and you are too! Maybe not the first thing but definitely the second thing! Just roll those damn dice, in a casino of your own creation. The only winning move in life is not to play, but there’s so much more to it than just winning or losing, the act of playing itself is a reward to many. So please! Fuck insecurity and physics! Fuck the mind and the body! Fuck everything, fuck reality, and fuck the imaginary. Fuck it, and ball!

#hexacles.txt #pentacles talks #it’s pronounced pen tuh cleese

[tea-cat-arts]

Once again, I am very concerned about the fact that "real people's lives are more important than lines and pixels on a screen" is a controversial statement on the internet that somehow makes you this horrible proshipper

#If I'm handed another article about how fiction affects reality for 7 y/o's as proof that no one should ever consume dark fiction #I'm going to punch something #I'm not even proship #I'm just pro leaving people the hell alone #its more or less been proven that there's a direct correlation between education on a topic and how much fiction affects perception of it #less education on a topic= more likely to let fiction effect your perception of it #partially why kids are more susceptible to having their opinions be formed by fiction #i know i should include sources and a proper explanation here #but every time I try and write about this i just want to bang my head against a wall #controlling art kinda seems like an impossible task to me #i think it makes more sense to increase education on topics like consent #and race #and mental health/illness #and all the rest of the long list of sensitive topics #this is really just venting #i kinda doubt anything productive will come out of this post #it is 1 am and i am tired

[trashboatprince]

The anniversary for the Bioshock au was just this weekend (actually on the official anniversary for the game Bioshock, what a coincidence!), and my friends and I decided to do something for it today!

While they have chosen to redraw some of their original art for the au, I had planned to rewrite something I had written ages ago, but then an idea came to me!

So, you guys get a new fic!

Warning: mentioned experiments, mentioned body horror, sad thoughts

As always, Henry belongs to @inkspottie, Ross belongs to @thedobermutt, and Delta is my Henry! 

On with the fic!

--

Henry, Ross, and Delta made their way around the old lounge bar that they had broken into, with Henry looking for supplies, Ross scouting the area for any splicers or searchers hidden about, and Delta was securing the door, making sure no one got in.

Once the coast was clear and the door secured, they could finally relax, which Delta was so thankful for. They had gotten into another big fight and he needed to check to see if his suit was still in good order. He had only just changed into this one earlier in the the day since his other one was damaged beyond repair, he had to make sure this one was still good to go.

Trudging over with tired feet, he sat himself down on the floor by the large floor-to-ceiling windows, the glow of the city in the ocean illuminating the room for them. “Bendy, a little help?” He asked the Li’l Devil, who had been helping Henry look about. 

Bendy perked up and ran over, knowing exactly what to do. He started to help with unhooking the large tanks on Delta’s back as the Big Daddy worked on the suit. He needed to get out of it to make sure his examination was thorough.

Ross looked up from where he was sitting on a sofa, raising an eyebrow at the other man. “Delta, what are you doing?”

“Checkin’ my suit.” He replied, like it was the most obvious answer in the world. He hissed, shuddering when Bendy got the tanks disconnected from not only his suit but from the ports in his back. Never a pleasant feeling, uhg.

“Are you... getting out of it?” Henry frowned, walking over, his arms carrying the items he had picked up before depositing them on a table nearby. 

“Kinda have to.” Delta replied as he worked to get himself out of the suit. “Not for too long, not like when I was panickin’ earlier when I was, ya know, sorta dyin’.”

It had been an emergency, he needed a new suit, new tanks, he was sadly stuck with these things to live, due to what had happened to his body.

He stepped out of his suit, luckily wearing pants and a shirt under it, he wasn’t one for being indecent even in his own gear, but he knew the other two could see his arms, his neck.

They saw it earlier, when they helped him get into his new suit, all the scars and damage done by the Big Daddy project. He didn’t think much of it at the time, but Delta felt a little self-conscious now.

Oh, they had seen what INK did to the splicers, the damaged skin and minds, but Delta’s had all been controlled. He had been tested on, his face left normal for reasons he had never been told, but the rest of him was a mess.

And with his healing abilities due to the splicing projects, his wounds healed quickly, but still scarred, over and over again.

“Is...” Henry started, but shut his mouth.

“You’re fine to ask.” Delta replied, sitting down, letting Bendy hook the tanks back into his back, he held back a yelp at the sensation. He picked up one of the sleeves of his suit, looking it over, avoiding eye contact.

Henry coughed, before speaking again. “Is it... painful? The scars?”

“Stopped bein’ that way years ago, kid.” Delta replied, frowning at the cut he found, asking for the sewing kit he knew Bendy had stored in his hammerspace. 

“Is it from battles?” Ross asked. “Or from what Joey had done to you?”

“Both, mostly the latter.” The tallest of the trio sighed as he got to work on repairing the cut. “Nasty effects, splicin’, INK. I used to be a scrawny thing, ya know? About as skinny as you, Henry. But that wasn’t for long, had to be built like a damn tank for this work!”

He kept his eyes on his task. “I was normal for maybe a week? Just health exams, Norman told me, nothin’ serious, had to make sure everythin’ was in workin’ order. Then they started injectin’ INK. It was fine at first, felt healthy, even stronger and faster, then... it got worse.”

He still remembered when the effects finally kicked in, the horrible pain and heat of his body changing, too fast, too slow, broken bones and damaged skin. Delta looked at his hands, they were trembling, but he pushed on. “It sucked, I don’t know how long it was gonna keep goin’ for, I thought that it would destroy me before anythin’ could really happen. And then...”

He looked at Bendy, who was happily looking out the windows, watching the fish go by. “And then they had me meet Bendy and it was worth it, cause I had a purpose cause of all that.”

“It still wasn’t right.” Ross spoke, a deep look of concern was painted on his face. “You shouldn’t have been forced into this, you didn’t even have a choice.”

“None of us did.” Delta sighed. “Henry didn’t, I didn’t, and you sure as hell didn’t either, Ross. Drew did whatever he wanted to us because everyone here’s his plaything.”

He finished the repair and moved to look for more.

“It’s still not right.” Henry frowned, reaching for a candy bar on the table. “But when we get you up to the surface, you won’t have to worry about this stuff anymore.”

Delta looked up, then looked towards the windows. His eyes drifted to the tanks behind him, and he shook his head. “Guys, I know you want me to come with you when we’re done here, but... I’m not made for the surface anymore, I can’t even go an hour with my tanks off, I need the INK and PAINT. I need my suit.”

Ross shook his head, standing up. He walked over to Delta, looking down at the man still seated on the floor. “Delta, you have to have some faith in us, in Norman. We promised you that we’d get you to the surface, no matter what. Why do you doubt us?”

The Big Daddy blinked, then looked ashamed, rubbing at his bare arms. “I’m... not made for the surface, for a normal life. I dunno what Norman can do to help me survive up there, but what became of me... that’s impossible to change, I can’t go up there with these scars, I’ll look like a monster or somethin’.”

The older man sighed softly. “Look, I know it seems bad, but you’ll have us to help you, to be there for you. Yeah, some people will stare, but that’s on them, not you.”

“We’ll be there with you every step of the way.” Henry smiled a little. “And Norman said he’ll do whatever he can to help you survive without your tanks! You’ll be as normal as you can be! And besides, I’m not all that normal myself, we’re clones, and we’ve got...” He flicked his wrist, bolts of lightening came from his palm, before vanishing. 

“Yeah, after all of this, we’re in a similar boat with you, even if it isn’t exactly cosmetic.” Ross chuckled.

Delta looked at the two men he called his friends, a small smile coming to him. “You guys are so weird, but... alright, I mean, I dunno about this, but I would like to finally leave this place, there’s a sun I wanna see.”

“That’s the spirit, Delta.” The smallest of the trio smiled a bit more. “Now, no more of this, let’s just take the break we really need. I am not built for running around like this.”

“I hear that.” Ross sighed, sitting back down.

The Big Daddy looked at them once more, still smiling as he went back to work on checking for damage to his suit, listening to the others talk to each other. He’ll hold them to this, he wasn’t sure how confident he was that he’d get to leave Rapture, but it didn’t hurt to have a little hope. 

#bendy and the ink machine #batim #bioshock au #henry stein #batim bendy #john's drabbles

[mvrtaiswriting]

heehee- kinda gay rn,,, can u,,, make a male!reader x Jonathan based off the song Beautiful by Thornly or Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol? Oh and if it could be in a modern universe that'd be nice aaa

Orange juice. - Jonathan Joestar.

Here I am, sorry for the laaate reply. Thank you for requesting something, I absolutely love my boy Jonathan and this was so cute to write!! Expect a lot of fluff, hope this meets your expectations. Enjoy!! x

Male reader (it’s more neutral tbf) x Jonathan Joestar

Jojo’s bizzare adventures: Phantom Blood

AU / modern universe

SFW // minor hints to violence & injuries

words count: 2069

recommended song: chasing cars - snow patrol.

Hi! Are you a new reader? Check my masterlist for more content! 

Please feel free to reblog or leave a comment :) help me support my art (it’s free!), 

© bearing in mind everything I post/write is my intellectual property so please don’t steal/copy and paste and post it as yours.

Being Jonathan Joestar’s neighbour was fun. Since the day you first met, the two of you became inseparable and it was hard to imagine a world where he wasn’t by your side. It was a peaceful afternoon when you first met him. He was taking his dog out for a walk, marching proudly on the sidewalk of the street you both lived in, holding the leash tightly to prevent his dog from running away. Jonathan wasn’t older than 6 at that time but he surely was a responsible little man, putting a lot of effort in completing his task.

Unluckily for him, however, a cat dared to cut his dog’s way. In matter of second, the poor boy completely lost control over his dog and its leash. The dog started to bark loudly before starting to chase the cat recklessly, causing Jonathan to trip over and skin his knees. You were playing outside, in the front garden of your house and you saw the entire scene. You quickly grabbed your orange juice and ran towards the injured little boy, whose cheeks were flushing red.

“Are you okay?” you asked in your little squeaking voice, kneeling beside him and patting your little hand on his shoulder. Jonathan simply nodded, too busy trying his best not to cry.

You sat next to him on the cold sidewalk floor and offered him your little orange juice.

“Mommy always gives one to me if I get hurt. It helps!” you encouraged him, who whispered a soft thank you before accepting your kind offer and takin a long sip out of the juice carton.

That was the first time you and the blue haired guy met, and you never left his side since that episode.

Years passed and the bond between the two of you grew incredibly strong. The Joestar’s family welcomed you warmly since the very beginning, making you always feel at home. You and Jonathan spent a lot of time around each other; during the younger days, you either went at Jonathan’s or at your place to have some play dates. Growing up, your play dates slowly turned into study sessions and lazy afternoons spent on the couch, catching up one of the many tv series you started watching together. Over the years, Jonathan undeniably became the most relevant figure in your life. He was the first friend you ever had, and you experienced some of life’s most important first times together.

He taught you how to ride a bike. You helped him remove the first milk tooth he lost.

Little episodes like these were what really made your relationship so particular, the affection between the two of you was stronger than any other feeling you ever experienced. You never really investigated the way you felt towards each other, always justifying the reciprocal need of spending time together with the simple excuse of it being a habit. A part of you however, knew exactly the reason why you felt as if your skin starved every time it missed his touch; it was the same reason why you felt a strange sensation in your stomach every time he’d hold you in his arms while watching a movie or simply looked you in your eyes.

Admitting your feelings towards him wasn’t something you’d ever consider. You feared your confession would have ruined years of friendship – and the bond you two shared was far too unique for you to lose it.

That night, Jonathan had one of his usual boxing matches. You never quite understood how Jonathan, the kindest person of all time, could practice such a violent sport. Outside the ring, Jonathan had a very docile behaviour; he was always so kind and a very easy going person. His beautiful smile surely was his signature, it was almost impossible to catch him in a bad mood. Inside the ring however, Jonathan seemed to become a different person. The concentration that the fight required always gave him a stoic expression, which was very unusual for him. His typical gentleness seemed to completely fade away when facing his opponents – but that was part of the game; sports such as boxing didn’t have any space for weaknesses or sentimentalities.

It wasn’t usual for you to assist his matches. You hated the vision of the man you loved getting beaten up with the sole intention of entertainment; seeing him all covered in blood was something you always tried to avoid.

“I know you’re rooting for me” he said to you earlier that afternoon. “But it would be nice to have you there, you know?” he continued, while delicately tracing random patterns on your back with his fingertips. It was impossible for you not to break under his touch, and you ended up agreeing on going to the match. An excited smile formed on Jonathan’s face, who quickly pulled you closer into his arms, wrapping you in his strong, sweet embrace.

“I should say yes more often.” you chuckled, resting your head on his chest and enjoying the feeling of his strong arms around your body.

Once you reached the gym where Jonathan’s match took place, you sat closely enough to the ring. You felt your heart pounding in your chest, unable to not worry about your best friend.

When his tall figure entered the boxe ring, his eyes started scanning every face in the crowd hoping to recognise yours – and when he did, he couldn’t help but smile shyly. He quickly looked back at the arbiter of the match, trying his best to hide his blushing and starting to focus on the match.

The first rounds were okay. Jonathan seemed more than able to handle the fight – it was highly likely for him to win; but he was tired. As time passed, his movements became slower. His shoulders visibly moved up and down as he breathed, emphasising how fatigued his body was. He staggered but tried his best to retrieve some energy, and never gave up until the last minute. The match ended when a strong, well placed punch hit Jonathan’s face, making him trip down and almost breaking his nose. Jonathan’s face quickly became covered in blood and once the arbiter announced the victory of the opponent, you quickly rushed to the ring, reaching Jonathan’s body.

“Are you okay? Let me see!” you said, leaning over him who tiredly laid on the ground, still unable to catch his breath. He simply nodded in response, looking at you with only one eye open while a soft smile adorned his lips. You shook your head hinting a weak laugh, while you helped him to get up. His almost powerless body relayed on yours as you walked to the infirmary, his arched figure still a bit taller than you. After receiving the medical treatments he needed, the two of you made your way out of the gym without saying a word. You were still shaken from the sight of Jonathan’s face covered in blood, even if you knew he was fine.

The awkward silence was interrupted by Jonathan clearing his throat once you reached your car.

“Do you want me to drive?” he asked with a concerned look on his face, his navy blue eyes looking for yours.

He knew exactly how you felt. He saw how your eyes were full of fear when you looked at him laying on the ground, he knew how badly that sight scared you. Afterall, he would have felt the same way if you somehow managed to get hurt.

“Let me.” he added, reaching your hands and slowly taking the car’s keys out of your grip. Placing a delicate kiss on your forehead, he entered the car and silently drove towards the neighbourhood you both lived in. He rested his hand on your thigh during the entire trip as if he wanted to reassure you, lifting it up only when he needed to change the car’s gear. When you finally arrived, he parked the car in front of his home.

“I’ve got some orange juice.” he said keeping his hand on the handbrake of the car, letting out a small laugh to lighten the tension between the two of you. You nodded in response and agreeing to his implict invite, causing Jonathan to smile.

Walking behind him, you entered the house. He extended his arm backwards, only to reach and grab your hand as both of you silently walked into the kitchen. You sat on the table as Jonathan handed you a glass of orange juice, cheering with you before taking a sip.

“Sorry.” you finally said, making Jonathan frown. “I just worried too much. It’s not because I underestimate you, I just hate the whole concept of you getting hurt.”

Jonathan cheeks flushed hearing your words, cautiously bringing himself closer to you inserting himself in the space between your legs. Towering you, he reached one of your cheeks and cupped it with his strong hands. He left a small kiss on your nose before embracing you, letting your head rest on his chest.

“I know.”

You sighed shaking your head; you were sure he had no clue about the reason why you felt this way. It wasn’t a matter of overprotectiveness, nor it was as simple as a worrying for a friend. It was love, although this meant everything and nothing at the same time.

Without any type of warning, Jonathan muscular arms picked you up. Your puzzled expression caused him to laugh, as he walked towards his bedroom and gently laid you on his bed. He handed you one of his t-shirts and laid exactly next to you, stretching his right arm over the length of the bed ready to welcome you in his arms.

“What –“ you were just about to start ranting millions questions when you saw Jonathan shaking his head in dissent.

“Would you just lie with me and just forget the world? Please?” he said, looking at you with the softest eyes you’d ever seen – he knew you just couldn’t resist his puppy eyes. And he was right, as you agreed silently, leaning your head on his chest and listening to the calming sound of his heartbeat.

“I don’t quite know how to explain what I feel,” he said, his eyes fixed on the ceiling above you. “But I’d react the same way if you’d ever got hurt.”

You looked at him, your hands caressing the wounds caused by the earlier boxing match. Your fingertips traced his handsome lineaments: his jaw, the shape of his lips, his nose; you couldn’t help  but being mesmerised by his beauty and wonder whether he ever looked at you the same way you were doing just now. If he ever shivered whenever you touched him, if he ever felt his heart pounding in his chest just because of something you said.

“It’s not the same, Jonathan.” you mumbled with a distracted tone.

“I think it is.” the sound of this words echoed inside of your head. What did he mean? Did he know? You tried to speak it felt as if words were just trapped in your throat; you gulped, trying to not let your mind jumping to conclusions.

Jonathan attentive eyes were locked on your face, following every movement of yours in hope to decipher your emotions – did he just say too much? He cleared his throat, not knowing exactly what to do. He was just as embarrassed as you were, and afraid that his feelings would have ruined everything.

You smiled as your cheeks were boiling hot, colouring your cheeks in red. You rested your forehead on his, your eyes intertwined in his. He slowly let his hands sliding along your back, stopping them on your hips as he gently put you on top of him. You’ve never been this close; you could hear his breath on your lips, you could see your reflection in his eyes – and you never looked so beautiful.

“Are you sure?” you asked whispering as your lips formed a soft smile on your face.

He smiled in response, nodding. Before you could say anything or process his response, he leaned towards you and kissed you passionately, wrapping his arms around your body as if he wanted to eliminate any space between the two of you. He wanted you closer; closer than you’ve ever been to him.

“Sure.” He replied once he broke your kiss, unable to stop himself from smiling.

#JoJo's Bizarre Adventure #Jojo no Kimyou na Bouken #JoJo's Bizzare Adventures #jojo x reader #jonathan joestar #jonathan x reader #joestars #requests #requests are open #phantom blood #jojo meme #jojo #jojo's part 1 #jojo oneshot #jojo x oc #jojo imagines #jojo fanart #jojo no kimyou na bouken #jojo bizarre adventure #jojo phantom blood

[vestigialtext]

Euphorroria

[TW suicide, self-harm] 

Imagine you turn around there’s suddenly a perfectly circular swirling hole open in the floor, emanating a hazy purple glow and a kind of pulsing, reverb-drenched celestial siren song, like the single sickest shoegaze riff you’ve ever heard.

You think, huh, wow, that’s a pretty weird trip-hazard, and erect some cordons to stop anyone falling in. But you become fixated on the hole, staring in unblinking for hours. It’s curious, it’s beautiful, it’s sonically enchanting, it’s perfumed with a kind of partially floral, partially cardomomic, partially metallic scent which just encroaches on the sickly-sweet – but you still want a taste.

The hole, as it happens, is a portal to insanity.

This is how I experience hypomania; standing steady-of-foot behind the barrier, gazing at wonder to the insanity, hearing its call but keeping a safe distance.

Mania would see me leap the barrier, approach too close, and invariably slip in screaming.

Psychosis, meanwhile, would see me fall in, try to either fight it or fuck it, turn it inside out and prolapse it back through into rational reality, the fabric of which world begin to collapse as internal and external landscapes collide and splinter into one and other and I approach self-oblivion.

A full psychotic break has only happened twice in my lifetime, and frankly I’m lucky to be here writing this drivel – my second episode, nearly a decade ago, almost killed me and left me with almost impossible-to-comprehend scars I’ll bear for the rest of my life, scars invisible to the observer but forever altering my perception of the world, scars I’ve made peace with but which continue to niggle every day. Without getting deep into the nightmarish details, I tried – and, thank fuck, failed – to blind myself, resulting in bilateral scarred corneas which mean that, while my vision remains entirely functional and luckily unimpaired to any significant degree, I experience constant, curious aberrations, especially in low-light where the world melts into a sea of halos.

Importantly, I’m still alive. I very nearly leapt into the Thames on the morning of 10/03/2010, and not through depressive, I-can’t-bear-to-live anguish, but due to chasing immensely powerful delusions and hallucinations to the same place that almost cost me my sight. There’s a lot I’ve written and lot I will write about my experiences of psychosis – particularly re the corrupted internal logic that catalysed much of my bizarre, life-ruining behaviour in 2003 and 2010 – but not here, not now.

Mania, the losing control of my inhibitions and tripping headfirst into hyperactive chaos, has occurred three times in my life, but only progressed through to psychosis twice. I had my first (and to date, only quickly-controlled) manic episode age 16, following a few months as an inpatient at an adolescent psychiatric in Newcastle (remember when the NHS used to offer those kind of services lol). Up until that point, I had been being treated for major depression, which was my diagnosis until the mania emerged. I don’t quite remember the specifics – I celebrated the 20th anniversary of my bipolar 1 diagnosis last month – but one day it seems the depressive fog suddenly cleared and my mind, robbed of feel-good shit for so long, lurched as far as it could in the opposite direction as some kind of bizarre compensatory push.

Perhaps the flip was inevitable, perhaps it was triggered by a chemical predisposition to mania plus guzzling down combinations of all the anti-depressant variants that could be feasibly prescribed for the preceding three months. Who can say. Whatever the case, suddenly I was bouncing around the hospital halls like Sonic the Hedgehog, talking borderline-gibberish garbage incessantly, getting back deep into abandoned A-level art projects and attempting to start roughly 1,000 extracurricular projects simultaneously. The doctors quickly took notice, brought me down with lithium and revised my diagnosis.

Hypomania, (literally “below mania”), is something I experience on average a few times a year, hitting in waves, usually with a clear trigger. It’s a glimpse at the maelstrom of insanity without actually dipping a toe. Delusional ideas can creep into my head, but I can analyse and dismiss them rationally with a firm “No.” I now have enough insight and experience of my own sensations and mood pattern recognition to usually ward off a manic episode, typically with self-seclusion and/or self-management, sometimes with medication. Zopiclone, a sedative, has proven to be something of a magic bullet at sniping down incoming mania, so I try to keep a stash handy – I popped one Saturday gone just to try and keep the train on the rails after barely sleeping for two weeks straight.

After accepting I was an alcoholic six years ago, I’ve gone entirely teetotal, and that itself has greatly improved my ability to monitor myself, to try and regulate my own mood – previously, I’d (technically binge)-drink more or less every single day, and drown out any troublesome hypomanic episode with even more booze, remaining entirely functional (if prone to starting each day with a big purging sick and then having a couple of practically clockwork spew breaks at work) until my liver and my nervous system started wildly red-flagging at the sheer relentless demands I was asking of them, the perpetual nature of my misguided self-medication, so I decided to stop dead drinking or risk further ruining my health.

Without in any way wishing to belittle or underestimate the impact of the disease (severe, bulk-of-a-year depression episodes have also nearly killed me) I feel like depression is something even people who don’t suffer from mental health problems can at least begin to comprehend, can take a stab at imagining the experience. Perhaps not the depths – the eroding, claustrophobic mental space, the glimmer of hope on the horizon disappearing into darkness, all sensory input turning to a grey mush, the head-in-a–tomb depersonalisation – but most people can relate to being “sad”, most people have experienced tragedy at some point in their lives. Hypomania, however, is a trickier prospect to explain. But I’ll try.

I can’t speak for others who experience the condition, but in my case, hypomania manifests itself across my whole physical, mental, emotional spectrum. Although other factors come into play, the biggest single trigger for me seems to be sleep deprivation. It’s no news that circadian rhythms and bipolar disorder are intrinsically interlinked, and I have very real first-hand experience. As a shiftworker (occasional nightshift worker) who lives on the opposite side of London to my office and has a four-month old daughter, my current sleep hygiene is pretty... ropey to say the least, so I’m trying to be extra vigilant. A few nights back-to-back of little sleep (I’m talking a hour or two, at the best of times my sleep is shit anyway and five hours is a good stint) I can often feel my mood changing gears.

Simply put, when I’m hypomanic, the world is a more engaging place; more detail fills the cracks, more edges pique my interest. All of my senses sharpen up – my vision becomes cleaner, brighter, more vivid, sound seemingly has additional frequency space, imperceptible before. My senses of smell and taste overwhelm me, aromas become intoxicating and normal food takes on gourmet qualities. My energy level skyrockets without any additional external input; I have much more impetus, enthusiasm about life, work, whatever. I can literally feel my mind starting to function differently – but not necessarily more efficiently – taking shortcuts, randomly accessing memories in remarkable detail without any prompt. I can think faster, but with less focus; I’m more distractible and will happily shoot off on wild tangents with complete disregard for my goal. Depending on circumstances at home or work, hypomania is a mixed bag – any lethargy is dispelled and my agency and job satisfaction is heightened, but I might, say, approach 20 tasks simultaneously when sequentially would be more rational.

Depending on social context, I expend varyingly extreme amounts of effort to varying degrees of success attempting to mask a hypomanic episode. You know how your body never really “heals”, and scurvy horrifyingly opens up old scars and shit? That’s kind of what my ever-simmering mental illness feels like when i’m consistently deprived of sleep for whatever reason, the cracks start appearing and it kinda seeps out a bit lol. I am well aware my hypomanic demeanour and delivery can alarm people, and I do try really, really, really hard to suppress things or if absolutely required, just remove myself from situations where a lasting, detrimental opinion could be formed. I am also fully aware I can become borderline intolerable to my long-suffering and remarkably patient wife, and I try to mitigate the condition’s impact on domesticity, again, only ever partially-successfully (sorry, Kate). On any given day, high, low, or creamy middle, I’d estimate around about 90% of my effort is put towards just trying to appear normal to others, trying to blend in. I imagine many other mentally ill people are broadly intolerant to open-plan hotdesking (not to mention the insatiable clock-in-and-hit-marks demands of capitalism).

I can physically feel my body “running hotter” when I’m hypomanic, like an overclocked CPU frazzling on a motherboard; headaches spark quickly if I don’t drink enough water. I’m not especially clued up on chemical synthesis of naturally-occurring hormones etc. but I kinda get the impression hypomania is little like organic, high-on-your-own-supply MDMA.

Hypomania seems to foster within me a deeper connection to and longing to revisit all of my favourite music, art, writing, films, games, people – chiefly, I go on obsessive listening binges of records I adore. As I mentioned earlier, my hearing changes when I’m hypomanic – songs sound better, richer, more punchy. One of my fondest ever memories of mental illness (sadly ruined by slipping into psychosis shortly afterwards) was walking around out at night listening to My Bloody Valentine’s Loveless on shitty earbuds via a Spotify stream and still hearing subtle elements blossoming from the mix I’d never clocked before; layers of what sounded like processed flutes fluttering under the wall of guitars, gentle tonal ebs and flows, what seemed to be entire hidden tracks I was only just tuning in to, a secret sound world unveiled.

This might well just be wild conjecture, but I like to think maybe some bands – the bands who “get it” – deliberately bury this audio information deep within the mix, only to be decoded by specific mental setups, be they drug-indicted or naturally, hormonally occurring, breadcrumb trails left in the studio production as a little nod by whoever put the music together that they understand the confusion, the dislocation and alienation of mental illness, something extra beyond the lyrics. It might well be bullshit but it brings me great comfort. I’ve put together a playlist of some favourite tunes I suspect were written about hypomanic states, knowingly or otherwise, or instead conjure up that specific vibe.

To be honest, the hardest thing I find about dealing with episodes of hypomania is that they can feel so good it’s very hard to not attempt to stoke the sensation, prolong it, succumb deeper to it. That way oblivion lies; please stand behind the yellow line at all times.

#hypomania #bipolar #mentalillness

[booksandtea]

Video Game Recommendations| #Blogoween So I wanted to do a post on horror games to fit into blogoween but I realised I haven’t really played that many. Or at least many that people may think of when thinking of horror games.

You have the big names; the Amnesia series and Slender: The Eight Pages games that shot pewdiepie (one | two) into the spotlight and which for me at least are when horor games became more popular. I tried both of the games named but neither really did anything for me.

Much later we see the rise of the Five Nights at Freddy’s series which I also tried at the height of its hype and wasn’t fond of.

It wasn’t a case that any of these games were too scary to play, they just didn’t offer enough for me to get invested in them. If I were to return to any of these games it would be Amnesia as its a lot more story focused.

But fear not. Or do fear! I do have a small list of games that I can recommend in the horror genre, or at least have horror elements to them.

RESIDENT EVIL 5 (2009): “The Umbrella Corporation and its crop of lethal viruses have been destroyed and contained. But a new, more dangerous threat has emerged. Years after surviving the events in Raccoon City, Chris Redfield has been fighting the scourge of bio-organic weapons all over the world. Now a member of the Bioterrorism Security Assessment Alliance (BSAA), Chris is sent to Africa to investigate a biological agent that is transforming the populace into aggressive and disturbing creatures. Joined by another local BSAA agent, Sheva Alomar, the two must work together to solve the truth behind the disturbing turn of events.”

I probably played this back in 2009 or 2010 on the XBOX and its actually the only Resident Evil game that I’ve completed all the way through. I actually really enjoyed this game and at the time the hardest thing I found was keeping an eye on my health.

Lots of zombie fun which means its kinda gorey! But yay to weird mutations.

RUSTY LAKE HOTEL (2016): “Welcome our guests to the Rusty Lake Hotel and make sure they will have a pleasant stay. There will be 5 dinners this week. Make sure every dinner is worth dying for!

Rusty Lake Hotel a unique puzzle-escape game with a surreal, strange setting inspired by David Lynch’s TV series Twin Peaks.”

I love the Rusty Lake series, I’ve only played Hotel but I do also own Roots. Both of these I’ve seen Dodger play through but Hotel is probably my favourite of the two.

In RLH you have 5 guests staying and for 5 days you have to procure the ingredients for a meal by doing tasks and puzzles for one of the guest. In the evening everyone sits down and eats a meaty meal that they can rate depending on how many of the ingredients you were able to get. The puzzles can be pretty challenging at times and none of the guests ever seem to care that every evening there is one guest less…

I highly recommend you check out any and all of their games and the best thing is many of them are on mobile and they’re not huge or powerful games so I would imagine most PCs can handle them. I also think the horror in this is tame so if you’re a fan of puzzles they’re definitely worth it, my only complaint is theres no achievements.

YEAR WALK (2014): “In the old days man tried to catch a glimpse of the future in the strangest of ways.

Experience the ancient Swedish phenomena of year walking through a different kind of first person adventure that blurs the line between two and three dimensions, as well as reality and the supernatural.

Venture out into the dark woods where strange creatures roam, on a vision quest set in 19th century Sweden. Solve and decipher cryptic puzzles, listen for clues, and learn about mysterious folklore creatures in the built-in encyclopedia as you seek to foresee your future and find out if your loved one will ever love you back.

Mysteries and clues await everywhere in Year Walk, but to fully understand the events that took place on that cold New Year’s Eve, you will have to delve deeper than the adventure and lose yourself between fact and fiction.”

I’ve also completed Year Walk and I really enjoyed it, the art itself is super cool and at times very pretty. The story itself is rather sad too but you learn a lot about this Swedish phenomena.

This game does have achievements which is great but I will say it can be tricky to navigate to each area so if you can have the map pulled up elsewhere that makes it easier – also will help you get an achievement.

This is definitely a fairly straight forward game to play but it is on the spookier side of things, both story wise and because there is a jump scare or two. I know at least one of them can be avoided.

LAYERS OF FEAR (2016): “You take another drink as the canvas looms in front of you. A light flickers dimly in the corner. You’ve created countless pieces of art, but never anything like…this. Why haven’t you done this before? It seems so obvious in retrospect. Your friends, critics, business partners—soon, they’ll all see. But something’s still missing…

You look up, startled. That melody… Was that a piano? It sounded just like her… But, no—that would be impossible. She’s gone. They’re all gone. Have to focus. How long has it taken to get to this point? Too long, but it doesn’t matter. There will be no more distractions. It’s almost finished. You can feel it. Your creation. Your Magnum Opus.

Dare you help paint a true Masterpiece of Fear? Layers of Fear is a first-person psychedelic horror game with a heavy focus on story and exploration. Delve deep into the mind of an insane painter and discover the secret of his madness, as you walk through a vast and constantly changing Victorian-era mansion. Uncover the visions, fears and horrors that entwine the painter and finish the masterpiece he has strived so long to create.” I picked up Layers of Fear the other month when … humble bundle? was offering it for free. I figured why not! I dont play many horrors and this seemed interesting.

So far its mostly a walking simulator where you explore a mansion that evolves over time. Its very atmospheric and creepy, theres no real guidance as to what time line you’re in but you slowly get to know more about the people who live here. I’m very excited to see where the story goes.

As I’ve not finished this game yet I can’t fully say how scary it is but the bit I’ve played there are definitely the odd jump scare here and there and overall a very eerie vibe.

ABZU (2016): “Immerse yourself in a vibrant ocean world full of mystery and bursting with color and life. Perform fluid acrobatics as the Diver using graceful swimming controls. Discover hundreds of unique species based on real creatures and form a powerful connection with the abundant sea life. Interact with schools of thousands of fish that procedurally respond to you, each other, and predators. Linger in epic seascapes and explore aquatic ecosystems modeled with unprecedented detail. Descend into the heart of the ocean where ancient secrets lie forgotten. But beware, dangers lurk in the depths. “ABZÛ” is from the oldest mythologies; AB, meaning water, and ZÛ, meaning to know. ABZÛ is the ocean of wisdom.” Okay, so technically Abuz isn’t a horror game. For the most part its very pretty and tranquil, but there is a part full of exploding bombs whic is a bit tense. Additionally the full story of Abzu is one of horror and warning as at its core its a commentary on how we’re destroying worlds and pollution.

Rather than going into full depth on its story you can read up on it here as I think its a very important and powerful game. Plus if you don’t like being underwater then this might have a layer of fear for you!

And thats that for horror video games I think you should play. Of course honorable mention to Until Dawn but with that being a PS4 exclusive its a lot harder for people to play – instead try watching a playthrough of this game on YouTube perhaps? This has a lot of gore, jump scares, and Josh is my favourite character in that game as realistically we all need to protect him.

Please note: all images were taken from their own Steam store pages.

Have you seen played any of these games? Are there any games that you’d recommend?

If you enjoyed this post consider supporting Northern Plunder Ko-fi | Twitter | Book Club | RedBubble

5 Horror #VideoGames You Should Play | #Blogoween Video Game Recommendations| #Blogoween So I wanted to do a post on horror games to fit into blogoween but I realised I haven't really played that many.

#Abzu #Blogoween #Blogoween 2018 #Layers of Fear #Resident Evil 5 #Rusty Lake Hotel #Video Game #Video Game Review #Video Games #Year Walk

[martaonthemove]

#153 The Art of Communication and Vulnerability: Offering and Accepting Help During a Time of Loss.

I have been off grid for a bit. I truly haven't felt like writing or podcasting in weeks. My sister passed away from cancer in early April. She fought harder than I have seen anyone fight in my life. I miss her. I see her everywhere. she visits in various ways, it isn't enough and won't ever be. Life is just different now.

There is a giant hole in my heart that cannot be filled. The reason I am back here writing, and talking is because I remember the day I told her I was thinking about starting Marta on the Move. It didn't even have a name yet.

Her words were "Buckle your seat belt, because this is something you were meant to do, something that you won't quit, something that will help others." That is all she ever wanted to do as well. Nina just wanted to help others.

I have thought about quitting often these past eight months, more so the past two. I have felt hopeless, lost, lonely. Words were, and still are impossible to describe feelings of despair. Everything that comes with the grief of losing your best friend, your biggest supporter, the person you always ran to, and was there for you without judgement. It's a rare thing, and makes you realize what you had and lost.

Falling into despair is easy, crawling your way out is hard, but I just keep telling myself that she is here, watching me, urging me on. That I want to make her proud of me, which has always been my motivation. She would be pissed as hell if I quit, or let myself spiral. I can hear her in my head. "Get up, get moving, do what is hard."

The fact that one of my sayings is "Keep it moving, everybody" is funny to me now. I tell myself that everyday to get out of bed, take a shower, take care of myself as best I can. It resonates differently than it did before all of this.

It is impossible for me to write everything down that is going through my brain, but I needed to try. There has been a subject that has swam in my head since her passing. The word "Help" has been in my minds eye constantly. I will say that in the past couple of weeks I have received help, and support that I couldn't believe possible. I am humbled and eternally grateful, but there was a flip side to that as well.

The dictionary states "help" as-

"verb (used with object)

to give or provide what is necessary to accomplish a task or satisfy a need; contribute strength or means to; render assistance to; cooperate effectively with; aid; assist: He planned to help me with my work. Let me help you with those packages.

to save; rescue; succor: Help me, I'm falling!

to make easier or less difficult; contribute to; facilitate: The exercise of restraint is certain to help the achievement of peace."

These past weeks I have had SO many people ask me if I needed help. While I was thankful, I was overwhelmed at the same time. I didn't know HOW to let people help me. I didn't know how to articulate exactly how they might help, I also did NOT want to burden anyone, AND I didn't want to seem like I needed help. Loss of control is a big trigger for me that I am working on.

This is what this episode is about because I think it is important. There is a GREAT chasm in terms of communication about this subject. It makes people uncomfortable to ask for help, to reach out in a time of need for it. We just don't know how. We want to help our friends and loved ones when they need it. It makes us feel better to do so, but not knowing HOW makes us feel helpLESS. We don't know how to do it properly because the other person isn't articulating what they NEED.

In this episode I will try and offer my feelings on -

How to let people help you.

How to give or offer help in a way that ACTUALLY helps that person.

Why you should accept help from others.

How to communicate better in ways of giving help.

How accepting help from others, helps them in return.

I will also offer up clear ideas on how to specifically offer help to grieving loved ones. I am in no way shape, or form an expert at this. This is just my experience talking, and others like me. I have received so much feedback from friends on Facebook, and coping with grief groups. For that I thank you tremendously and I will try and do right by all of you. :)

I am determined to tackle this subject, and while I know it will turn off some, or be sensitive to others, I feel it is very important moving forward in this world. Personally, I feel it will help me as well peek at some shadows in my closet I have been avoiding.

We are all suffering from grief and loss. Loss over the way we used to live, loss of a loved one, a job, a dream. We NEED to start communicating, rebuilding our relationships in a way that helps each other, and lifts one another up.

I refuse to live in a world without Nina that isn't trying to be better. We have one life, one shot, and that is so much more acute without her here. You wouldn't meet a better soul than her. I remember her saying when she got sick. "Please, God. If I can help someone else, that is all I ask."

This podcast moving forward will be in honor of "Neen". Because she did help someone, me. In her own amazing way of being her, she has sent me in a direction that is a tad more clear. To help others. Just typing this out is making me feel better, more motivated, giving me life... even if I am crying doing it.

That is why I won't give up MOTM, my crazy ideas, or my uncertain dreams. I am trying to sit in the messy phase of this and rediscover what fills my cup. I want to help people, just like she wanted to. We were going to write a book together, Neen. To help those who going through cancer, and also the support people along side them. So we shall. I promise.

I ask you who are reading this, if you just stumbled upon this journey, or have been in my jitney since it's inception: Be gentle. I am raw, but trying to heal. It is an ongoing process. It is my wish that if you are like me right now, you find some peace, some rays of sunshine, hope, and the support you need.

I also kindly ask that you take a moment to give help to someone who may need it, to reach out, AND that you will ask for it when YOU need it. Maybe this episode will allow you to do so, like it did me. We are ALL in this together.

I love you, sis.

~Your Foos.

PS~ Thank you to those who helped me work out the title of this episode, I could not for the life of me get it right. This is a blend of what other's suggested.

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Check out this podcast episode!

[theoddcatlady]

The Devil’s Wives, Part Two

Part One

“So, according to her mother, you were alerted first to Bridget’s pregnancy?”

I had gone into the staff room for coffee and Principal Dudley cornered me in here with a blank face. Being ‘let go’ was looking quite likely at the moment. I was careful to keep my voice level. “Not in the office, I was off hours,” I responded. My only defense.

“Good. I’ll use that as your excuse not to get you in trouble.” Dudley poured himself a cup of the coffee before dumping enough sugar in the cup to turn it into a syrup. He took a sip and seemed content with the sugary mixture. “… Off the record, I would’ve done the same.”

I sighed with relief. “Thank you, sir.” He might’ve been a stickler for the rules, but at least Dudley wasn’t an ass like so many of the other bureaucrats that thought they knew how the education system for teenagers was supposed to work.

That was the end of that. I tried to do more Facebook stalking but Bridget’s posts had come to a sudden halt. Couldn’t figure out if the father had been located but I didn’t want to know. Perhaps the fact that Bridget didn’t remember a thing was for the best. Can’t find someone you didn’t know the face of was the impossible task. And what sort of dick head college boy would step up as the father?

It was a quiet month. The most shattering thing was a boy coming in with a ‘twisted’ ankle where I immediately sent him to a more complete doctor’s office as I knew a broken ankle when I saw it. He’d tripped during dodgeball and snap. Kid didn’t even know how bad it was.

 Bridget’s and Alice’s pregnancies drifted to the back of my brain when gossip in the staff room caught my attention.

 “So Jacklyn is pregnant.”

 That sentence nearly made me drop my #1 Nurse Mug. Thankfully the gossipers, Miss Foster who was the art teacher and Ms. Kline who taught Biology for the freshman, didn’t seem to notice.

 Ms. Kline leaned in a bit and started counting off on her fingers while she talked. “That makes… letsee, Alice, Brooke, Carmela, Kelsey...”

 “Don’t forget Bridget, her parents pulled her out!” Miss Foster reminded.

 Ms. Kline nodded. “Right, right. Think that’s it. So far. I haven’t seen this many knocked up teenage girls since I worked at Brickstone. And they had three times over the students we have right now.”

 Miss Foster tutted her tongue and shook her head. “Like I told you! We need to push a new sex ed program, otherwise every girl in school is going to be shopping for maternity prom dresses!”

 I left the room as discreetly as I could. I needed to use the restroom. And I didn’t want to hear the mindless gossip of the other teachers anymore.

 However, when I got to the girl’s bathroom, I ran right from the pan to the fire.

 “Oh! Nurse Bradley!”

 Girls went to the bathroom together. It was a trained instinct, partially for protection and partially for socialization.

 However, the entire cheerleading squad plus the mathematics club all in one bathroom? It wasn’t the most likely match up.

 Georgia, the vice president of the Mathematics Club, pushed up her glasses and bounced from foot to foot nervously. “I, uh, this bathroom’s sorta… full right now.”

 “I can see,” I replied. The two working stalls were occupied, the remaining one with an orange ‘out of order’ sign taped to the door.

 Helena placed a hand on her hip, her flashy yellow and maroon cheerleading uniform looking garish under the harsh light of the bathroom. “Listen, we’re kinda in the middle of something in here, so if you could, like, ya know, go…”

 Both bathroom doors opened at the same time.

 Veronica, the captain of the cheerleading squad and Lori, the president of the mathematics club walked out.

 Both had a pregnancy test.

 And both were positive.

 Lori was shaking her head, trapped in denial. “This can’t be happening. I use protection! I’m on the pill!” The tears started coming then.

 Veronica ran to the sink and vomited. The girls split into two groups to surround the new ‘mothers’, typically separate cliques now intermingling as they comforted their fellow students. Veronica looked up at me before a deep breath and dragging a hand down her face. “Nurse Bradley we’d… like a few minutes. Please. I’ll come talk to you after we’re done here, I swear.”

 Nodding, I left and used the bathroom down the hall.

 Veronica came in after the next class, after I’d already given out the remainder of my pregnancy tests. Each girl insisted they couldn’t be pregnant but ‘wanted to be sure’. I didn’t hear back from any of them. I don’t know if I wanted to.

 Without a word she dumped an armful of pregnancy tests on my table. “I think you’re going to need these,” She said.

 Surprised, I picked up one of the boxes. “When did you get these?” I asked.

 “I’m going home for the day, I already called my mom and dad. But I decided to give you a hand and help you restock your stores,” Veronica explained. She seemed calm. A little red eyed from crying, but calm.

 I started placing them in the drawer. “Thanks. Really. I… don’t know what to say. What are you-”

 “I’m gonna keep her.” Veronica crossed her arms over her belly, bringing back to mind Alice when she’d told me the same thing. “I want a family. I didn’t want one so soon, but if this is what fate throws my way, I can take it. I mean I wasn’t into cheerleading that much anyway.”

 It was shocking how calm she was about this. But all I could respond with was, “What makes you think it’s a girl?”

 Veronica blinked before she wrinkled her nose. “Huh, I didn’t even realize I said her. Oh well, I’ll trust my instinct. Sides,” She smiled and hugged her stomach. “A lil ‘V Two’ wouldn’t be so bad. I���d like your help though… can you help me find all the other girls who are keeping their babies? I wanna set up a support network.”

 And that is what she did. It was needed. Within a week there were fifteen confirmed pregnancies in this school. Fifteen.

 I’d worked at that school for seven years and in all my years I’d seen a maximum of three teenage pregnancies. Faulty birth control was a common suspect for this epidemic, tied in with poor education and just plain dumb luck. Something in the water, perhaps.

 But I was honestly thankful as hell that there was a natural leader like Veronica.

 Veronica was always a leader personality. Head cheerleader. Prom Queen material. Was in the debate club her sophomore year and was known for being outspoken but empowering. And with a bunch of half panicked girls wondering what the hell to do next? That was appreciated.

 The girls all met in my living room for the first meeting. All different ages, backgrounds, and social statuses. Even Alice had shown up, and she was the farthest along. She’d switched out her boots with something more comfortable for swollen feet, but she and Veronica sat side by side.

 I just provided tea and snacks as they talked about their situation and offered support for each other. I’d never seen so much female love and companionship in a single room. I enjoyed being a part of it.

 The insanity didn’t go away though. It had only begun. Veronica hadn’t provided enough birth control tests. Hourly I’d have girls coming in. Even ones that weren’t sexually active. It was like a virus. If you had a functioning uterus there was a shot you’d be pregnant.

 There even was a school assembly about it, with Principal Dudley advising students to be ‘safe’ and that the therapist and nurse (thanks, Dudley) were there for advice and comfort. Nothing changed. Girls would turn up pregnant, and Veronica would welcome them under her wing.

 It got to the point where I started to get concerned. So many girls were now keeping their babies because that was what Veronica was doing. I ended up pulling Veronica aside.

 “So… you are telling these girls if they intend on aborting, it needs to be done real soon?” I asked.

 Veronica nodded. Hardly bothered. “Of course! Most of us are planning on working together though. Even if they aren’t sure how they’re pregnant, we have this whole plan about being a family group. We can stick together and no one has to get hurt.”

 Oh boy. I sighed and shook my head. “Is… anyone going to give up their babies? Or have an abortion?”

 “I’m not brainwashing them or anything, Miss Bradley.” Veronica frowned. “And yes, someone is aborting. Lori. She’s decided her education takes priority and after talking with her boyfriend they’re going in tomorrow. We’re all on her side, I even offered to drive.” She crossed her arms and I saw that brief challenge in her eyes. “Is it that bad to want to raise your own child?”

 I was out of luck here. I shook my head. “It’s your choice, Veronica. I just want you to know it’s a serious one.”

 Veronica opened her mouth to respond but the bell ringing cut her off, and with a muttered excuse she took off.

 Being brushed off the way I was was honestly alarming. Babies weren’t new toys. But at this point it was going to be near impossible to convince Veronica otherwise.

 It would have to wait though. I wanted to see Lori before she left.

 Lori was at her car when I caught up.

 “Hey, Lori! So… you’re going to the clinic tomorrow?” What a way to start the conversation.

 Lori nodded, shutting the car door. “Yeah. In the morning. I won’t be at school for a bit, just a heads up, but I think it’s the best choice for me. I’m just worried about the school work I might miss out on.”

 “I’m sure your friends will take notes.” I opened my arms. “Hug?”

 “… Hug.”

 I hugged Lori tightly before she got into her car and drove off.

 The next day started off as normal. Sophomore boy came in with a headache. Principal Dudley came by and asked how my supplies were doing. I didn’t mention that my budget had been practically blown on pregnancy tests and I was now reaching into my paycheck.

 It was around one thirty PM when the girls came in with another possibly pregnant girl when men in suits burst into my office.

 I gasped and got to my feet. “Can I help you gentlemen?”

 One of the men looked over Veronica, her small frame already starting to show. “Are you one of the pregnant girls?”

 Veronica nodded. “Yeah, we all are.”

 “You need to come with us.”

 It’s needless to say I lost my shit when one of the men roughly grabbed her arm. “Excuse me! She is a student-”

 “Ma’am, we’re going to need a list of all the pregnant students currently enrolled here.” The one in charge nudged up his thick rimmed glasses. “This is not a request.”

 I balled up my fists before standing up straight. “I’m sorry, but I don’t keep track of every pregnant student. That information is between them and their doctors,” I responded. I might know most of them by name. But like hell I was going to tell a strange man this.

 The man’s face went cold. He turned to one of the other suited men.

 “Have the principal call every female student and young female staff into the gymnasium. Miss Bradley, you’re going to need to come with us. Cooperate or we’ll have you arrested for obstructing a government investigation.”

 In a single file line, we were marched to the gymnasium. The bleachers were pulled out and girls started flooding in. Whispers filled the air and Veronica was biting her nails. “Miss Bradley, what is going on?” She whispered.

 I had no response, all I could do was shrug and say, “I don’t know. I am going to find out though.” I started digging through my purse and my fingers had just closed around my phone when my purse was roughly snatched away from me.

 The leader of the suited men glared icily at me. “Until we are done here you are not to make any phone calls or tell anyone what we are doing here. Principal Dudley promised your cooperation.”

 Fucking coward was nowhere to be seen, of course.

 I stared back at him. “And what exactly are we cooperating with, sir?”

 “The wishes of the US government. Here.”

 A pregnancy test was shoved into my hands.

 “Go to the bathroom and take this test. There will be another agent in the bathroom waiting for you to come back. Once it’s done, you may return here.”

 I sputtered angrily and shoved the test back in disgust. “Excuse me?! No disrespect, sir, but I haven’t had sex in almost three years-”

 “I wasn’t asking you to do it.” The test was put more firmly back into my grip. “I’m telling you.”

 There is absolutely no proof that I flipped my middle finger at this ‘agent’, but I’m sure no court would convict me.

 Of course the test came back negative and the agent in the bathroom (male agent at that) ‘requested’ that I return to my office. I didn’t tell him I was going back there.

 But I didn’t tell him I wasn’t either.

 I was staying with the girls and like hell anyone was going to make me leave.

 In groups of five, girls were marched to the bathroom. The ones that came back were sitting in a circle in the middle of the room. I made myself comfortable among them.

 Alice was sitting next to me, and I noticed she was in handcuffs. “Please tell me they didn’t put those on you,” I said.

 “What do you think?” Alice yanked at them with a scowl. “I wouldn’t take the pregnancy test. They handcuffed me and marched me into the bathroom. Would’ve made me actually pee if they could. What is happening, Dawn?”

 Second time I’d been asked this question and I still had no answer. I sighed and wrapped an arm around her. “It’s going to be okay Alice. I promise.” I tried not to look at girls walking back into the room, pale and scared. Some were in handcuffs. And there was no sign of any of the officials taking them off.

 Soon there was around fifty girls, ranging from freshman to seniors, all in this group. The leader had a whispered conversation with the other men before he came up to me.

 “You are excused.”

 I narrowed my eyes and my arms crossed. “What is going to happen to these girls? Who even are you?”

 “I’m afraid that’s not something I can tell you.”

 I’m blaming exhaustion and the lack of answers for my immediate reaction, which was to punch him in the face.

 He went down, probably more from shock, and I was tackled to the floor by two different men.

 The teenage girls who up until that moment were just sitting and crying were moved into action.

 “HEY!”

“FUCK YOU!”

 “LEAVE HER ALONE!”

 “THAT IS OUR NURSE!”

 Have you ever seen a group of pregnant teenage girls start a revolt? It’s not a pretty sight. Girls started pitching their text books and backpacks at the suited men around the room, cussing and screaming. I swear I saw Veronica bite one of them on the arm.

 I was finally let up as many more girls got slapped in handcuffs. I looked over at the man in charge and felt a sharp smugness when I saw where I’d punched him was already starting to bruise. “I go with them. Or they will act like that the whole damn time, I swear to god,” I threatened, my sides aching and bruised.

 He nodded coldly.

 “I suppose that’s what we’ll have to agree on.”

 We were loaded up on buses and taken to a nearby military base.

 And I had a million papers pushed in my face. All of them said the same thing. I wasn’t going to report what happened here, this was top secret… yadda yadda yadda.

 “And… sign here. And we are done.”

 The man sat back at his desk, his finger interlaced.

 “My name is Dr. McCray. Lori Wilder is dead.”

 I felt like I got punched in the stomach. “What? How?”

 Dr. McCray pulled out a report from his desk as if he had to remind himself what happened. Like Lori was just a blip on the radar. “She went in for the abortion this morning. It was standard, until the procedure actually began. She woke up despite being under heavy anesthetics and began to scream. Without cause she bled from her nose and ears while severely internally hemorrhaging. The procedure was halted and she was rushed to the hospital where she became catatonic and shortly afterward passed away.”

 I blinked, hard. No. Not time to cry. I shook my head. “What does this have to do with the other girls?”

 “You don’t think it’s strange that forty eight female students in a school of only five hundred are pregnant?”

 Had to admit, he was the first one to call it strange out loud. I nodded. “I mean… yes? But why do you care?”

 “The fetus wasn’t human.”

 I laughed. I actually laughed. Just a nervous, high pitched laughter that died when Mr. McCray glowered again. “Wait… what?”

 “To be accurate, half of it likely was human. But once the autopsy was conducted, the fetus was… nothing like we’d ever seen before.” Dr. McCray let the first emotion cross his face- fear and worry. “I know it’s harsh to detain dozens of young women who just want to enjoy their adolescence. But if you’d like to offer your presence, I can already see the girls are quite loyal to you.”

 Live in a military base. Nothing but gray walls and pregnant girls who god knows what fathered their babies or go back to the school. I should’ve booked it.

 Instead I said, “Give me a bed and I’ll make myself comfortable. These girls need me.”

Part Three

#scary stories #horror stories #sixpenceee stories #sixpenceee #the devil's wives

[recentanimenews]

Project Bean Bandit Q&A with Kenichi Sonoda, Shujiru Hamakawa, and Marco D'Ambrosio!

Gunsmith Cats mangaka, Kenichi Sonoda, recently teased a new project mysteriously codenamed Project [B.B]. It was revealed his new anime Project Bean Bandit, based on his Riding Bandit manga series. This year at Anime Central 2018, he hosted a panel aling with past collaborator on the Solty Rei anime, Shujiru Hamakawa, and composer Marco D'Ambrosio, to talk about the project!

Kenichi Sonoda: My name is Kenichi Sonoda and quite recently I inherited my father's business of a Candy Store. This isn't to say that I have retired from the animation industry and I would like to enthusiastically continue to work on anime and manga so thank you for joining us today.

Shujiru Hamakawa: My name is Shujiru Hamakawa. I'm actually a coordinator and I also do some art direction. Since Sonoda is a mangaka, or a manga artist, I am here to support him in terms of some of the industry norms for the animation industry. So anything that he needs follow up on that's what I'm here for.

Marco D'Ambrosio: Hi, I'm Marco d'Ambrosio. I'm a composer/sound designer and I've been brought into the project to help Sonoda with music and sound and we finished a short trailer. I'm looking forward to working on the rest. You don't need to translate that. *Laughter* My wife says I mumble all the time.

Of all of the films and series you have worked on, which would you most want to see get a Hollywood movie adaptation?

Sonoda: The series that I truly could claim that are of my work are of course Gunsmith Cats and Riding Bean and this is a bit of a sci-fi book that I've done but Exaxxion and also Bullet the Wizard. If there were to be any offers from Hollywood, then I'd love to see any of them. A few years back, I actually got an offer to get a film for Bubblegum Crisis; its not a company in the US, but ever since they made that initial contact, I haven't heard from them, so I don't know what's going on.

If you were tasked with redesigning Bubblegum Crisis for modern TV, what, if anything would you change?

Sonoda: For Bubblegum Crisis, what I was asked to do was character design and what they called the “Hardsuits” or the mechanical designs of the suits that the characters are wearing and as far as the latter is concerned, I really do like how I designed them. So I certainly would like to go into refining it a little bit, but I certainly wouldn't think particularly about doing any major overhauls because again I really like how they're designed.

I'm curious, when it comes to the sound what, when you design sound for a specific scene, is it that inspires you?

D'Ambrosio: Good question! First of all, understanding the full arc of the story, knowing where that scene comes into play and then knowing what is the important thing that you want to relate and having a balance of that. So obviously, dialogue is always sort of the king, so if there's dialogue you wanna make sure that gets heard. Then it becomes a question is a particular sound more important or is the music more important, so you make a creative aesthetic decision as to that. Y'know, a teacher once told me, actually, Walter Murch, famous sound designer, said you need 2 and a half things to make a scene work. So you pick what those two and a half things are and you adjust them proportionally. If dialogue is one of them, then dialogue is the first thing. Then its either a musical effect or a musical part of the score  or a sound that is important. So it could be a car taking off, it could be a some beginning to a fight, it could be a just a footstep that is the most important thing.

Sonoda: I'm actually quite optimistic about what kind of work Marco will do for us, because if we ask for a particular sound, then I'm sure he'll be able to produce that sound for us.

One question I had is in the era of Bubblegum Crisis, do you feel that anime is different than it is now, and if so is it a positive or negative change?

Sonoda: During the era of Bubblegum Crisis, it isn't so much the industry per se but how it was in Japan. Japanese economy had a bubble economy so the economy was great, and because of that, when I was doing Vol 1-8 of Bubblegum Crisis, the economy was good which meant that we had a good budget and we were able to produce a good quality product. After that bubble burst, then, not so much the industry but Japan as a whole turned into a bad economy, that created low revenue, that in turn ended up lowering the quality of the works as well. So again its not so much the anime industry per se but it just has to do with how it was in Japan as a whole.

Hamakawa: So let me speak from the animation industry perspective, or at least the ones behind creating animation. Back when we were kids, if we aired on TV, that basically generated the revenue and turned into budget. During the bubble economy period, that's when selling different mediums, be it  laserdiscs or DVDs, that was basically the source of revenue. And nowadays, we're now turning into the era of streaming or distributing through the internet. This advancement actually brought some negatives in that the speed of which pirated works are created are so much faster now. So then we need to then consider, what would be the best way to deliver our products to customers; how can we make everyone happy became the next question. We figured that the best way is to try to directly deliver these works as much as possible to the people who are wanting it the most. And that's why we figured Kickstarter would be the best way to go about this.

How much creative control are you given when working on key animation?

Hamakawa: Because we're currently working with a small staff, basically whatever impressions or images that Director Sonoda is giving to me, I have more or less full control over how can we present this in an animation and what can be done about it. Now when we do expand our staff, then I do want to start delegating some of these tasks as well. For this particular project, I do want to go with very quality staff. So with that said, I don't intend on expanding the staff base too much for as long as we have that kind of quality staff.

How have advances in technology made your job easier or harder?

Hamakawa: Because a lot of my work is done by hand anyway, in that respect there hasn't been that much that has become easier, but like I mentioned earlier, the advancements, especially with the internet, when it comes down to communication in regards to my deliverables to my clients or what have you, those have become much easier. Its just that, because of that, I feel like I've gotten a much tighter schedule now and I can't seem to secure enough time to do reviews of my work. So that I'm not overly happy about.

It isn’t very common for non-Japanese composers to write music for anime. How did you get started scoring for anime?

D'ambrosio: I got started back in the 90s, I was working at a place called Skywalker Ranch, and then I was doing primarily sound and technical work, but I was also a composer. And the staff and people there knew I was looking to get into scoring. An animation series came to the ranch, for post-production, for sound and music and I was introduced to the producer and the director. It was JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, the original OVAs. So that was my start, that was back in 93, 94, and that just sort of led from one thing to another from there. I was introduced to Yoshiaki Kawajiri and then was asked to score Vampire Hunter D Bloodlust, and then from there did a few animation series primarily in Japan. So it was a pretty big start for my career to work on JoJo. And I've been doing other things, films, documentaries, in this country, but I've always had a love for anime. So, I'm back!

Over time with anime, it always evolves, almost every decade is something different. Compared to the 80s and 90s era of anime, is there anything that you don't like about the modern style, physically or whether it be from the story or the plot? What are your likes and dislikes of modern anime, compared to back then?

Sonoda: I feel like the anime works now feel like, some of the orchestration or presentation feel very much like a bunch of symbols put together kinda thing. Back in the days, what these directors or creators would do is that, if there's a particular way they want to orchestrate a scene, then they'd even act it out themselves. They'd try to get the actual hands on feel of things. At the production side, they might have called it Live-Action even, just so they could actually could physically get the feel of it. But now that so much has been done over that nowadays it feels like creators are just sort of taking those samples from the past and just putting it together. That's maybe the reason that I'm maybe calling it too much sampling or too much symbols, if we may.

Hamakawa: I think, compared to before, there's just a huge abundance of anime that's getting produced,  so its nearly impossible for one person to watch everything that's out on the market, which means that they have to pick and choose what they really would like to watch. I think that's one thing that's creating this phenomenon. And another thing is that works in the past, some of the concepts were really hard to grasp, and they had to think to understand what's going on. But nowadays, rather than spending so much time on the thinking part, they'd rather just get into the story, just quickly absorb and understand what's going on. So I feel a little lonely even that there aren't as many works that go into depth; it feels like the stories are too easy to understand, if we may.

Sonoda: I, of course, have many complaints over anime nowadays, but one of the things that I can't seem to wrap my head around is when there is a serious scene where the antagonist is right about to kill the main character or something. It's a very serious scene but you see the main character and their companions just talking to each other like 'What are we gonna do?' and 'Let's do this' kind of. If its a serious enough scene, where the enemy is seriously going to start killing you, there shouldn't be any leeway for the main character to do that sort of interaction with other characters. Rather than expanding that time and space, I'd rather it be something that's more realistic and for things to be happening in real time. That would be my preference over those sort of scenes.

So if there was a direction that anime could go in the future, what would that be?

Sonoda: First of all, anime should be something that can be understood by a wider audience. It is ok to have some obscure outliers, but there shouldn't be too many of them.

Hamakawa: Of course, maybe you shouldn't be saying that, especially when you yourself are working on that kind of obscure, special kind of work.

Sonoda: When a work is catered towards a particular audience, it still should be leaning more towards an easy-to-understand than a hard-to-understand kind of work. Specifically when it comes down to car or gun action, when there's so much rapid camera switching back and forth, we really should be abiding by the imaginary line rules, so to speak. It shouldn't be a case where we can't determine who did what, who punched the other guy, who shot the gun, etc. Those should be really clear as to where these are coming from.

Hamakawa: Can I also respond? For me, when it comes down to genres, if we may, I'd rather see more anime that is doing something that only anime can do. Not like drama so to speak, but more like sci-fi or fantasy that can only be expressed in anime. When we have a more drama-like anime, then that's just a way to season it. So I really would prefer that we go in the direction where we're producing anime that only anime should be able to do.

Sonoda: I was very excited watching works like Knight Rider or Speed Racer so I really want to really respect that kind of a feeling as well. So I'd like for anime to facilitate that kind of feeling in audience in students or essentially kids.

I don't know what the style is necessarily called, but I've noticed in a lot of recent anime that they're not necessarily hand-drawing things, but its more of a 3D model of anime? How do you feel about this new style, this new look?

Sonoda: I feel that computer graphics or CG are merely a tool more than anything else. If I feel its appropriate to be using them for particular areas or its more efficient to be using those tools then by all means go for it. If there are scenes, on the other hand, that are better expressed when its hand drawn then I would prefer to pursue that method. Its just the matter of securing resources has become much more difficult nowadays, so that seems to be the issue that we need to continue tackling.

How much do music trends affect the way you approach a score and how much do tend you lean in or pull away from them?

D'Ambrosio: There are definitely trends in scoring, and some you like and some you don't like. I tend to not pay so much attention to that as I do my love for the history of scoring and the different genres. Last night we were playing music from 60s and 70s Italian exploitation films as a possible way to go, so to me its a matter of finding the right palette and if its a new palette, that's fine. If you want to do that, that's cool, and then you wind doing that, and then you wind up having a bunch of people that like that and do that as well. I like the fact that it changes, that there are trends. Its the same as the 3D model, if you think that a particular genre, a particular style is right for a scene or to use electronics, orchestra or just to have a small group playing it, I think, you always go 'if it sounds good, it is good'.

If Rally had to trade in her 67 Shelby Cobra, what would she get nowadays?

Sonoda: I feel that cars nowadays lean more towards that muscle car style anyway, so if we were to go for a more modern Mustang or Charger or Challenger, I think we'd be able to make that switch without making it too weird.

Hamakawa: *In English* One Box! Family Car!

Sonoda: Rally driving a minivan? I don't know about that...

What anime composers inspire you?

D'Ambrosio: Oh, certainly Maestro Hisaiishi is one of my favorites, that's really the one I've always admired the most. But I listen to all different kinds of music, so I admire them all, lot of western composers, but he would be one of my favorites.

Aside from your own projects, what is your anime guilty pleasure?

Sonoda: I do like Girls Und Panzer, and that's something I have been personally doing some derivative doujinshi works of as well.

Hamakawa: Ashita no Joe II. *In English* Nice guy only, no girls.

D'Ambrosio: I need some guilty pleasures, I think. I've been working nonstop for a long time; I get out on my riding lawn mower, that's my anime guilty pleasure. I think its some kinda demon machine. I think I'm in Gunsmith Cats or something!

Sonoda: One of our fellow guests of honor, Mr Mitsuo Iso, he's done a work called Dennou Coil, that's something I felt was very well crafted, and something I really like as well.

Hamakawa: Funny story, we actually had a conversation with him about that last night, and he said “I should've released that 10 years later. So I'm sure on my gravestone it'll read 'he was ahead of himself by 10 years'.

Sonoda: Of course maybe we should've gotten permission from him if we were allowed to talk about that or not.

What's the most frustrating thing to have to animate?

Hamakawa: 10 years ago I was working on an anime called Solty Rei and maybe this is because I've become fairly old now, perhaps, I really couldn't seem to cope with really 'green', like lovey-dovey stuff, like something that felt so 'green' to me in those kind of love scenes. So that's why the focus was more on the 'family love'. Nowadays it feels like, rather than going into too much depth in terms of that concept of love, it feels like there's much lighter concepts of love that's within the anime realm. Whenever I have to do anything that's kind of love related, it kind of frustrates me.

What inspired you when you were working on Exaxxion?

Sonoda: I really had a huge liking for robot works but everything I saw wasn't necessarily what I really wanted to see, so when there's such a good design and such a good setting around it, then 'this is how I would do it' was something that was kind of going around in my head. In Exaxxion that's essentially what I threw in, like everything I liked. So if its the type of work that I really like, the more I notice things that I don't particularly like either, so if its something I really like then, when I witness any negatives around it, it just pops out even more. If its something that I don't care for then maybe not so much, but the more I like something the more I perhaps nitpick.

If your projects could crossover with another anime, what would it be?

Sonoda: If its a work that I really like, then I really don't want to distort the existing atmosphere of it, so I would rather not see any more crossovers, because I don't want to break what they have already. And if I do witness anything that I want to break and turn into my own worldview or whatever, I probably don't have enough attachment to that work anyway. Not much of a reason to do a crossover.

Hamakawa: So as far as Bean Bandit, this particular project, is concerned, while there may not be that much of a connection, it does have a crossover like feel between Gunsmith Cats and Riding Bean, so if the audience is able to enjoy some of that connectedness, then I feel like it would be good.

If you could adapt any live-action film to anime, or vice-versa, what would you choose?

Sonoda: I'm not an animator but a mangaka, so I guess my adaptation would be to make it into a comic, but again, if its a work I really like, then I don't want to be distorting the existing worldview settings, and I don't want to get my hands on it in that respect.

Hamakawa: In my case, just doing adaptations of anime into a live-action work, or vice-versa, I prefer not to do that, because I feel that these works are built on a premise that we're making this as an anime, therefore certain things are done. I think the same is done with live-action, so because of that I don't prefer to do that kind of adaptations. And even recently, without naming any names, there have been live-action adaptations which, while they may have a great story, its still not very well received or not as well received.

D'Ambrosio: I kind of agree. You pick a medium, an art form, and you express yourself in that art form. And I think its fine to reinterpret things, and try to make something different, but I don't have anything specific. I tend to agree; that maybe goes back to the first question you said. I was attracted to anime because there was a complexity there in trying to understand the story, and that it never really dumbed down, it rose you up to understand it, as opposed to being dumbed down. And I think that's one thing that happens with adaptations; they tend to get dumbed down, and they lose their magic, and that's one of the things I don't like about it. I think it could be done successfully and I think a few have come close, but I don't have anything specific.

By: [email protected]

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[martaonthemove]

#153 The Art of Communication and Vulnerability: Offering and Accepting Help During a Time of Loss.

I have been off grid for a bit. I truly haven't felt like writing or podcasting in weeks. My sister passed away from cancer in early April. She fought harder than I have seen anyone fight in my life. I miss her. I see her everywhere. she visits in various ways, it isn't enough and won't ever be. Life is just different now.

There is a giant hole in my heart that cannot be filled. The reason I am back here writing, and talking is because I remember the day I told her I was thinking about starting Marta on the Move. It didn't even have a name yet.

Her words were "Buckle your seat belt, because this is something you were meant to do, something that you won't quit, something that will help others." That is all she ever wanted to do as well. Nina just wanted to help others.

I have thought about quitting often these past eight months, more so the past two. I have felt hopeless, lost, lonely. Words were, and still are impossible to describe feelings of despair. Everything that comes with the grief of losing your best friend, your biggest supporter, the person you always ran to, and was there for you without judgement. It's a rare thing, and makes you realize what you had and lost.

Falling into despair is easy, crawling your way out is hard, but I just keep telling myself that she is here, watching me, urging me on. That I want to make her proud of me, which has always been my motivation. She would be pissed as hell if I quit, or let myself spiral. I can hear her in my head. "Get up, get moving, do what is hard."

The fact that one of my sayings is "Keep it moving, everybody" is funny to me now. I tell myself that everyday to get out of bed, take a shower, take care of myself as best I can. It resonates differently than it did before all of this.

It is impossible for me to write everything down that is going through my brain, but I needed to try. There has been a subject that has swam in my head since her passing. The word "Help" has been in my minds eye constantly. I will say that in the past couple of weeks I have received help, and support that I couldn't believe possible. I am humbled and eternally grateful, but there was a flip side to that as well.

The dictionary states "help" as-

"verb (used with object)

to give or provide what is necessary to accomplish a task or satisfy a need; contribute strength or means to; render assistance to; cooperate effectively with; aid; assist: He planned to help me with my work. Let me help you with those packages.

to save; rescue; succor: Help me, I'm falling!

to make easier or less difficult; contribute to; facilitate: The exercise of restraint is certain to help the achievement of peace."

These past weeks I have had SO many people ask me if I needed help. While I was thankful, I was overwhelmed at the same time. I didn't know HOW to let people help me. I didn't know how to articulate exactly how they might help, I also did NOT want to burden anyone, AND I didn't want to seem like I needed help. Loss of control is a big trigger for me that I am working on.

This is what this episode is about because I think it is important. There is a GREAT chasm in terms of communication about this subject. It makes people uncomfortable to ask for help, to reach out in a time of need for it. We just don't know how. We want to help our friends and loved ones when they need it. It makes us feel better to do so, but not knowing HOW makes us feel helpLESS. We don't know how to do it properly because the other person isn't articulating what they NEED.

In this episode I will try and offer my feelings on -

How to let people help you.

How to give or offer help in a way that ACTUALLY helps that person.

Why you should accept help from others.

How to communicate better in ways of giving help.

How accepting help from others, helps them in return.

I will also offer up clear ideas on how to specifically offer help to grieving loved ones. I am in no way shape, or form an expert at this. This is just my experience talking, and others like me. I have received so much feedback from friends on Facebook, and coping with grief groups. For that I thank you tremendously and I will try and do right by all of you. :)

I am determined to tackle this subject, and while I know it will turn off some, or be sensitive to others, I feel it is very important moving forward in this world. Personally, I feel it will help me as well peek at some shadows in my closet I have been avoiding.

We are all suffering from grief and loss. Loss over the way we used to live, loss of a loved one, a job, a dream. We NEED to start communicating, rebuilding our relationships in a way that helps each other, and lifts one another up.

I refuse to live in a world without Nina that isn't trying to be better. We have one life, one shot, and that is so much more acute without her here. You wouldn't meet a better soul than her. I remember her saying when she got sick. "Please, God. If I can help someone else, that is all I ask."

This podcast moving forward will be in honor of "Neen". Because she did help someone, me. In her own amazing way of being her, she has sent me in a direction that is a tad more clear. To help others. Just typing this out is making me feel better, more motivated, giving me life... even if I am crying doing it.

That is why I won't give up MOTM, my crazy ideas, or my uncertain dreams. I am trying to sit in the messy phase of this and rediscover what fills my cup. I want to help people, just like she wanted to. We were going to write a book together, Neen. To help those who going through cancer, and also the support people along side them. So we shall. I promise.

I ask you who are reading this, if you just stumbled upon this journey, or have been in my jitney since it's inception: Be gentle. I am raw, but trying to heal. It is an ongoing process. It is my wish that if you are like me right now, you find some peace, some rays of sunshine, hope, and the support you need.

I also kindly ask that you take a moment to give help to someone who may need it, to reach out, AND that you will ask for it when YOU need it. Maybe this episode will allow you to do so, like it did me. We are ALL in this together.

I love you, sis.

~Your Foos.

PS~ Thank you to those who helped me work out the title of this episode, I could not for the life of me get it right. This is a blend of what other's suggested.

I HAVE NEW SPONSORS! YAY! I have been searching for a WHILE to find the right fit for a collaboration opportunity to be able to support some local businesses, and also help keep the lights on over at MOTM. I finally found them, and like most things in life, they came naturally just looking at products I use everyday. You can take 10% at either of these companies with code "Marta"

My partnership between Marta on the Move and Body Work 412 and Yang Yin Health- has me giddy. Why did I choose them? or did they choose me... hmmm. Here is why-

Matcha from Yang Yin Health

Yang Yin Health- I love matcha and this is some of the best that I have found. If you have been listening to my show long enough you know that I don't drink coffee anymore. The caffeine gave me jitters, and was messing with my sleep and mood. Enter matcha! Pumped full of antioxidants, this ancient green tea actually regulates caffeine on a time release but also adds in a component called the Not all matcha are created equal! Beware some coffee shops using matcha, they have sweetener added in and a bunch of other crap to make it super green. I have tried matcha in every state I stay in, and have only found a handful of coffee companies that use quality matcha that is unsweetened. (Stay away from Starbucks matcha) The best way is to make it at home, use it in baking as well! This company is Pittsburgh based and sources their matcha directly to ensure that you are getting the best quality available. A little goes a long way. Listeners take 10% off their products with code "Marta"

Body Work 412- Know all those major essential oil companies out there? There are A LOT. I have seen so many people push essential oils, and I always kinda laughed at it. Here I am partnering with one! Years ago I receive a massage and reiki treatment from a gentleman named Cullen Magg from 412 Body Work. I studied reiki myself under him, and found out he creates and sources all his products direct from the source. Balms, creams, oils, room sprays and more. I loved each and every one of his products and began realizing that not all essential oils are created equally. You could go through an entire bottle of lavender or frankenscence oil SO FAST and the smell just disappates with other companies. Not with these, they last FOREVER. I have had my oil bottles for years and I use them on rotation every day. Try them and you won't believe the quality. There is not comparison with the other brands. There just isn't. Listeners take 10% off with code "Marta"

Check out this episode!