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heyitsme1040 · 2 months

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Body and Soul [b.b]

summary : Your job with the team is to go over files that are collected when the team clears out Hydra bases. You are the only person with authorization to go through the files containing any details to do with the former Winter Soldier, your best friend Bucky. Going about your job as usual, you’re reading through the stack of files the team retrieved from the most recent Hydra base that discuss Bucky. Reading the graphic details of a punishment that happened before a mission, that would go similarly had your heart breaking for the strong man you’ve grown close to. Needing to walk away, you sit outside and look out over the city. Bucky joins you outside, where you admit what you read. Opening up to you, Bucky discusses how that was the first time that particular punishment happened, and how it’s the main reason he doesn’t like touch. During an impassioned speech to reassure him, you admit just how deep your feelings for him go. His next actions reveal just how much he reciprocates your feelings, and the two of you set up your first date.

pairings : Bucky Barnes x Reader

warnings : 18+ only. Triggering topics will be found in this work below the text break. Mentions and recounts of rape. Physical assault. Haphephobia (fear of touch). General angst. Comfort. Confessions. Getting together. Happy ending. Female pronouns used. Dialogue heavy.

word count : 7,970

AO3 (x)

a/n : This idea stemmed from a friend and I talking about Bucky, and wondering just what horrors he went through that wouldn’t normally be talked about. And then this idea that he was sent out on missions where he was essentially pimped out. It spiraled from there, and I wanted to write this since the back and forth I had with a friend.

Again, this content will be very triggering for some readers. It gets very dark. Your mental health is more important than reading this fanfiction. Please take care of yourself, and if that means not reading this then don’t read it.

You stretched in your office chair, stiff but determined to get through as many files today as possible. Looking at the stacks of files, you reached for the nearest one. Opening the top folder, you read over an inventoried list of supplies. The next folder was dated a few months later than the prior folder, but was another inventory list. Comparing the two, you could see a significant increase in storage of supplies. Logging into the secured server, you scanned in the two folders. You were able to calculate just how large an increase it was, as well as how many agents it could sustain. You worked your way through the stack, adding each assessed file to the trend. The hours slipped by as you meticulously compared each folder, calculating how many agents there could have been there. Coming to the last file, it was dated just two months before the team cleared it out. From the amount of supplies the base kept inventoried, you were able to estimate there had been just under two hundred agents there before the paper trail ended. You saved your findings, and sent it off to Fury to review. If the base had that many people, where did they all go? It was deserted just last week when the team cleared it out. You hoped by trying to figure out how many agents used to be there, Fury and the team could eventually figure out just how many Hydra agents there were still. And even better, where they all went.

Grabbing the next stack of folders you began reading. It was mission logs, detailing everything. From the first mention of the assignment, the planning, all the way up to the mission report. You went to a separate part of the secured server, and began getting the documents scanned in. As they slowly uploaded, you began the process of reading the writing. Some of it was so faded they took even longer to transcribe into the system. The large stack filled the entirety of your evening, leading into the late hours of the night. You had to make sure every detail was typed into the system, comparing it to the actual file. You yawned as you saved your work, rubbing your eyes before looking at the clock. Realizing it’s nearly midnight already, you look at the file stacks around you. You see a very short stack, maybe five files high. You grab them, deciding you can finish this stack before heading to your room to sleep.

As soon as you open the folder, you’re met with the grainy image of Bucky. You tilt your head, skimming over the initial information. Your eyes catch on the year 1952, giving you a start to the timeline events you’re about to read. You sign into the locked folder on the server that contains all the information on Bucky’s time under Hydra’s control. You add a new folder for the base, trying to mentally prepare for what you may learn. You input the date, noting down the initial information on Bucky since his last cryostasis log at the time. Turning to the next page, your stomach plummets and your heart beats a little faster.

Winter Soldier correctional log, you read. Failure to perform at required success expectations during training. Following this failure, ordered to not resist punishment. The Winter Soldier did not react to the hit that followed the command, ensuring he would be receptive to the punishment. Ordered three officers to punish the Winter Soldier as preparation for his upcoming mission. Observed as officers forced the Winter Soldier against the ground. Pinned against the ground, the Winter Soldier did not react. He was stripped as the officers removed their own clothing. The Soldier’s body thrashed but remained secured against the ground as the officers penetrated into him. As the initial officer punished the Winter Soldier the other two spoke of what they were going to do to him. Once the first officer found his involvement to be sufficient he disengaged from the Winter Soldier, promptly replaced by the second officer. The second officer was eager to punish the Soldier. During this officer’s treatment of him, the Winter Soldier became unconscious. Upon discovering this, the third officer began to beat him while the second remained steady in his aggressive treatment of the Soldier’s body. Eventually, the third officer joined the second officer in their punishment of the Winter Soldier. The simultaneous punishment caused the Soldier to jerk, once again becoming conscious. When the two officers finished with their punishment of the Winter Soldier, he was left on the ground. The Soldier’s body shook, still not resisting as I began to punish him myself. He was still perceptive of the punishment, doing nothing to resist my use of his body. Following my own punishment, the Winter Soldier’s body was severely bloodied and shaking. He was left there for his expedited healing to allow him to recover before tomorrow’s mission.

As you read over Pierce’s signature, you realized you were gasping between hiccuped sobs. You wiped your cheeks once again, shaking your head. You signed out of the secure server on your computer and locked the stack of files in your desk. As you exited your office, you made sure the door was locked as well before taking the elevator up to your floor. You kept wiping the freshly falling tears from your cheeks, keeping your hands balled into fists to control their shaking. As the elevator opened, you covered your mouth with a trembling hand, hoping to keep your cries silent. Swiftly, you walked down the hall toward your room. You couldn’t stop yourself from looking at the door across from yours, glad Bucky’s room didn’t have any light spilling from under the door. Entering your room, you toed off your shoes before changing into a pair of leggings and one of the hoodies you had stolen from Bucky. Having the fabric swallow your frame, quickly followed by the smell of Bucky enveloping you as well, gave you the ability to calm down slightly.

Your socked feet were silent as you entered the hallway once again, padding your way across the smooth surface into the common room. You looked between the couch and the balcony. If you stayed in the common room, you risked Bucky or Steve hearing you cry and coming to check on you. Moving toward the balcony, you think about what you read. The sting of tears quickly returns, and you close the door behind you. Overlooking the city, you let the tears fall freely. Not bothering to wipe away the wet tracks they leave, nor worrying about muffling your cries, you let all your emotions wash over you while staring out over the city.

You sat on the ground, legs stretched out in front of you while leaning against the couch that was on the balcony. You thought of Bucky, of all the things he’s been through that he didn’t deserve. How for so long he never had a choice in what his body did, constantly forgetting his memories just as they’d begin to resurface. Being forced to take so many lives, and now holding onto that guilt. The times he was put into cryostasis by Hydra, sometimes for months and other times for years. He had so many years taken away from him. The brutal training he’d been put through, along with so many punishments for the smallest mistakes. His body was littered in scars, some you’d learned came from missions while others were from the torture Hydra made him endure. He had been a prisoner within his own mind for so long.

When he was initially deprogrammed of Hydra’s brainwashing, you’d seen how lost he looked. Finally able to make his own choices again. He stayed out of the way for so long, just watching this world that was new to him. You remember when you first spoke to him, introducing yourself while holding your hand out, only for him to nod slightly and murmur his name in response. As the two of you became closer, you saw the way he always made sure to avoid being touched. That he stayed a few feet away from the team, only willing to train with Steve.

Sam had accidentally bumped him in a hallway one day as you were heading down it, and you watched as Bucky swiftly slammed him into a wall with his arm pulled back ready to punch whoever it had been. His body was tense, but you watched how his body slumped slightly as he stepped away from Sam, pressing himself against the other wall of the hallway. Just as you walked past the two, you overheard Bucky’s repeated apologies followed by Sam reassuring him that it was okay. You were in front of Bucky’s side of the hallway when you passed, and you noticed how he pressed himself further into the wall. Whenever you were nearby Bucky always made sure that there was plenty of room between you both.

It wasn’t until a few months of you slowly becoming friends with Bucky when he first nudged you. The two of you were sitting on the couch, almost a foot between the two of you. You were reading a book while he scrolled through movies on the TV. Suddenly you felt a warmth near you before his elbow gently pressed against your ribs, disappearing as unexpectedly as it’d appeared. You looked up, making eye contact with him. He gave you a small smile, gesturing to the TV to ask you a question about the movie he’d discovered. He was leaning now, the elbow he’d used to nudge you now supporting him in the gap that had closed between the two of you. You happily answered all his questions while still thinking about the fact that he just touched you. It wasn’t a secret that Bucky had been treated horribly by Hydra, so everyone understood that he never liked to be touched. But as much as he avoided being touched, he also rarely initiated a touch.

There were a few occasions, following the first time he nudged you in the ribs, that Bucky had initiated any sort of physical contact outside of training. You’d first seen some of them while training. The times he or Steve would be sprawled on their back against the training mats as the other loomed over, they would offer a hand up. Bucky never hesitated to grab Steve’s hand, the silent choice an easy one to make. When Bucky offered Steve a hand up, it was always his right hand. Easily pulling the other up. As time went on with this routine, Steve slowly began to clap Bucky on the shoulder. The first few times you watched it happen, Bucky elbowed Steve in the ribs roughly to get the younger man to let go. As Steve continued to clap Bucky’s shoulder, Bucky moved from elbowing Steve to only tensing up under the touch and allowing it to stay. Until one day, you saw Steve do it and Bucky didn’t react. Steve’s hand stayed on Bucky’s shoulder as they left the gym. He didn’t seem to be uncomfortable by the action, but you could tell that Steve was relieved his friend was no longer frightened by the action. It was common, now, for Steve to clap Bucky on the shoulder, or shove him away while laughing.

Slowly, Bucky got accustomed to Sam as well. On the rare occasions that Bucky let Steve convince him to have Sam train with them, Bucky only offered Sam his metal hand when he’d knock Sam to the floor. And once again, as time went on Sam would offer up a brief touch. But instead of taking the initiative like Steve had done, he’d just hold up a fist. The first time it happened, you had to hold in laughter as Bucky stared down at the fist with his head tilted in confusion. You watched as Steve explained it, pointing between Sam’s fist and Bucky’s hand, until Steve demonstrated that Sam merely wanted a fist bump. And every time, Sam gave Bucky the choice between doing the fist bump or not. Bucky always lifted his metal arm and pressed his metal fist against Sam’s own briefly before pulling away. It was obvious, the distance he held between himself and Sam compared to how he acted with Steve. Using his metal arm to pull sam up from the training mat, giving fistbumps with his metal arm.

But then there were the moments between you and Bucky. Moments that you cherished. These were moments where he initiated contact between the two of you, ever so slightly. He’d jokingly elbow you at times, much like the first time on the couch. A brief nudge to get your attention, wanting to have your attention. Sometimes it was because he wanted to ask you something, other times to tell you something, and on rare occasions just because he wanted you to show you something. It was these intentional touches that made you notice the seemingly unintentional touches. It became common for Bucky to be in the same room as you, so you never thought twice about him asking you to pass him something. Little things like a pen, the remote, a bottle of water, and other common objects. You’d hold out the item he’d asked for, he’d reach out for it with his right hand, and you’d feel the gentle brush of his fingers against yours. It could seem inconsequential, but knowing just how much he values his own space you realized it was intentional on his part. Each time he took the item with a quiet thanks, you thought you’d see the corners of his mouth tick up slightly. He always avoided using his metal arm with you, letting the warmth of his right hand brush against you in these cases.

Getting to know this man obliterated you. You’d originally just wanted to be welcoming to him, understanding how difficult it could be to get to know the team. He had the advantage of knowing Steve for so long, even if he hadn’t had all his memories back yet by the time he first joined. But the first few months of knowing him had been mostly quiet. Occasionally finding yourselves in the same room, and him choosing to stay in that room with you instead of leaving the way he did with so many of the others. It took one night of the two of you unable to sleep to actually talk. You’d been sitting in front of the window that overlooked the balcony of your floor of rooms for a few minutes, replaying the nightmare you’d just woken up from in your mind. You heard something move behind you, and when you looked Bucky was there. His face looked haunted. You patted the floor beside you, letting him know he was welcome to sit. It was silent for a few minutes, the two of you listening to the other’s breathing slowly relax.

Bucky cleared his throat, furrowed brows causing him to look conflicted about whatever he wanted to say. “Do they happen every night for you? The nightmares?”

You shrugged, not knowing what he wanted to hear, “For me it’s most nights. For Sam it’s rare, and Steve will have one every few months.”

Bucky nodded, his brow smoothing out. He let out a sigh as he turned to face the city.

“They’re usually memories. Sometimes the person changes, but they’re always memories,” you whisper what your nightmares contain. Your chest feels less constricted as you admit this.

Bucky’s shoulders sag, “They’re usually memories.” He confirms.

You hated that he understood your nightmares so well, but you felt better knowing you weren’t the only one. That it was something you’d already survived, yet you never knew at what cost that survival would hurt. Out of the corner of your eye, you’d seen Bucky turn so he was facing you again.

His face was open, one of the few times you didn’t see the lines of a scowl ghosting over his features. “Do you want to talk about it?”

You turned to face him, a weak smile pulling your cheeks upward. “I’ll show my scars if you show yours,” you joked.

The laugh that escaped him both surprised and captivated you. It was that laugh, that glimpse at what he was really like, that caused your feelings for him to shift. From that feeling of wanting his friendship, to this consuming feeling of affection. You now wanted to be closer to him than just the friendship you’d hoped would come to be. A warmth settled into your ribs, making your heart beat quicker, as you realized you would do anything for this man.

“I think that’s only fair,” he promises you.

That was the night the two of you began your friendship. He opened up to you after you told him about how you failed a mission, causing more casualties by getting injured than if you’d been more aware of your attackers surrounding you. He recounted to you one of the times he was being strapped into the chair they used to shock his memories into oblivion. That night, you decided he was now your best friend. You’d hoped that calling him your best friend would cover up some of the reason you’d become so attached at the hip. Not wanting to reveal that you’d suddenly found yourself with feelings for Bucky that you knew wouldn’t be returned, you settled for the next best option. You decided it’d be enough to just have him as a friend.

As the two of you began to build up your friendship, you acknowledged the realization you’d had that first night. Certainly it would be enough for you if he just continued to steal small touches when asking you about something, hanging out together in a comfortable silence, and opening up to each other late at night. Except the feeling never lessened, and every day you were more head over heels for this man than the last. And as long as he was willing to have you in his life, then you were right. His presence was enough.

The door behind you clicks open, but you don’t bother to face it, too lost in your own thoughts. Analyzing every time you and Bucky happened to touch. You felt extremely guilty. Everyone knew that he avoided physical contact, and yet you repeatedly felt the warmth of his hand gently pressing against you. The torture he went through was more than enough to understand why he made sure to avoid being touched, but what you just read? Him losing any choice in what he did with his body was horrible, but that day he lost that little amount of control he’d still had over what happened with his body.

“You’re drenched,” Bucky’s gruff voice broke you out of your tortured thoughts. “Why are you out in the rain?”

You look up at him, seeing the rain slowly dampen his shirt. “It wasn’t raining when I came out here,” you lamely explain.

Bucky stares down at you for a moment longer before sitting beside you. He keeps his usual distance between the two of you, and you think of all the reasons that could be. To have him beside you, just close enough to feel the warmth radiating off of him, and yet far enough away there’s no way you could accidentally brush against him.

“How long have you been out here?” He tentatively asks into the quiet night.

You shrug, “The last time I remember seeing was one o’clock when I left my office.”

Bucky nods while shifting how he’s sat. He leans back so his arms are supporting him, and his legs shift just enough for you to feel his calf against yours. You tense slightly at the touch, feeling guilty about the contact that now exists between the two of you. You adjust how you’re seated, drawing your knees up to your chest, wrapping your arms around them before resting your head against your forearms to look at Bucky. You watch as his brow furrows, the way it has the rain trailing down his face to change its path.

“It’s almost three,” Bucky’s gaze flits between your eyes. “What’s wrong?”

You shake your head, trying to brush off his question. “I was just working– and there were so many files. I was typing for hours, and–” You suddenly find yourself choked up on the lie you were ready to tell him. That you hadn’t accidentally just invaded his privacy so severely that he’d no longer want you to handle his files.

Bucky reaches out and gently holds your hand, runs his thumb across your knuckles. “Easy, deep breaths,” he guides you. “A busy day at work, no reason to cry, yeah?” He tries to comfort you.

You let out a wet laugh, wishing this were merely one of your breakdowns from a stressful day of work. You shake your head, using your free hand to wipe the tears from your cheeks only to feel them replaced by the rain. You watch as Bucky bites the inside of his cheek. The look in his eye tells you he wants to ask you more questions, but at the same time he’s giving you time to calm down.

“I, uh,” you wet your lips. “I was going through files, and typing out what was in them. And I wanted to get as much done today as possible. So, when I was tired, I saw a small stack of folders. I thought they’d be quick, that I’d finish one last stack and then go to bed. But, the files,” you look up to avoid his eyes, “they were some of yours.”

Bucky’s thumb falters slightly in its path across your knuckles, “Oh.”

You nod, hating the knowledge you now have. You gently pull your hand from his hold to wrap your arms tightly around yourself. As though hugging yourself would keep you from falling apart again.

Bucky’s face looks pained as he finally asks the question you’ve dreaded answering. “What did it say?”

Closing your eyes, you let the words spill past your lips, “It was back in fifty-two. You’d apparently been at the base that was just cleared out. They’d had a mission for you, one different from the others from what I can guess,” your voice broke. “Pierce wrote a disciplinary report for the Winter Soldier. During a training session, something happened. Whatever they were hoping for you to achieve while training didn’t, and as punishment Pierce had some officers assist him in disciplining as preparation for the assignment.” You opened your eyes to look at Bucky as you spat the word used to describe what they did to him.

Bucky was still as he listened to you. He held your gaze as you spoke, keeping his face as neutral as possible. You saw his sadness take over his gaze as he understood the file you read upset you because of him being punished. “It was what they did, tried to make me comply so that–”

“It was different,” you interrupted his attempt at reassuring you as you closed your eyes. You couldn’t bear to see how he’d react to what you now knew. “Pierce wrote how he commanded you not to retaliate. He made sure you were complacent. Then, he had other officers punish you, and they forced you to the ground. Pierce detailed the way they…used…your body,” you shuddered. “He was detached in the way he described what happened, yet at the same time it was clear he enjoyed what he’d witnessed.”

Bucky’s hand gently cupped your cheek, the touch startling you. You couldn’t help the way you leaned into his soft touch.

“You passed out at one point,” you whispered. “They kept going. One of them beat you while you were unconscious before joining the other officer in the way you were being punished. Pierce wrote that having two of them on you at once caused your body to jerk, and then you were awake. Once they were done, your body was shaking. Pierce decided then was when he would get involved, and once he stopped you were bloodied and shaking. You were left in the room, exposed on the floor, to have your enhancements heal you before the mission the next day. One that I think was similar to what Pierce put you through that night,” you choked out past the lump in your throat as you finished revealing everything you knew.

Bucky’s hand pulled away from you, and you sobbed at the loss of his touch.

“I’m so sorry,” you brokenly admitted. “You didn’t deserve that. The horrors that they put you through, you didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry, so, so sorry. I had no idea Bucky, and then I just found out. That wasn’t something you should have no choice in telling someone, and I swear I didn’t mean to invade your privacy. It was an accident–”

Your words get caught in your throat as you feel the ground disappear beneath you. There’s a strong hold around you, a steady swaying motion, as you open your eyes to find Bucky carrying you back into the tower. He carries you straight into his room, walking past his bed, and sits you on the counter of his bathroom. He pulls out a towel and wraps the plush material around you.

“Look at me,” he gruffly demands.

Using the corner of the towel to wipe away your falling tears, you look up to meet his piercing blue eyes.

He settles between your knees, bracing his hands on either side of your legs to level his gaze with yours. “That was not your fault. I trust you to know everything I went through. You’re the only one I trust to go through every one of those files. You’re the only one I demanded Fury give access to those files. When they get sorted, if the first page reveals me, the file gets closed and sent to your office, okay? That’s the protocol I demanded be put in place. If any file so much as mentions me, then it’s getting sent to you for review.”

You nod weakly, “Okay.”

“I remember everything that has happened in those files. I may have no idea what they decided to put into a file, but I remember everything they did. So you don’t have to worry about invading my privacy, or learning about what I’ve been through. You could never invade my privacy. I did everything possible to ensure that you were the only one that could learn anything about me without having to ask,” Bucky hands move to cup your cheeks, “because I want you to know me. Every broken, damaged, and healing part of me. I want you to know it. I trust you to know it.”

“You aren’t broken. Or damaged.”

Bucky rests his head against your shoulder with a bitter laugh.

You raise your hand slightly, “Can I touch you?”

Bucky nods against your shoulder. You thread your fingers through his hair, gently scratching. His body shudders beside you, and you reach out tentatively to cup the warm hand he has against your cheek. You thread your fingers between his and guide his hand to your lips. You press a lingering kiss to his palm.

“That was the first time it happened,” Bucky murmurs against your collar bone. “The first mission they chose for the Winter Soldier that wasn’t an assassination. The first time they decided to sell my body.”

You frown, “The first?”

“Those missions only happened a few times over all the years.”

You bite back the tears that try to overcome you again. “You didn’t deserve any of it. None of the things they did were okay. Nothing you could ever do would justify what they did to you. What they forced you to do.”

“That’s another reason I made sure you were the only person with access to my files,” Bucky leans back to look at you softly. “Because I knew you would never judge me for any of it. Not for the missions, the punishments, the experiments they ran. You’ve never stopped looking at me the way you did when we first met despite everything you’ve learned.”

“Of course not,” you promised. “Because that wasn’t you that went on the missions. You were being controlled by horrible people who didn’t see you as anything other than a tool they could use. In reality you’re a person that has choices. Choices that were ripped away from you for years. You’re the sweetest man I know. You care so much about everyone else, that it’s impossible not to care about you. To worry about you when you’re out on missions. You’re the only person that I fully trust in everything. I want to learn everything about you, all the good that’s happened to you and all the bad. Because no matter what, I have always loved you and always will no matter what those files say. Because that’s what you deserve, is someone who trusts in you, heart and soul, no matter what has happened and will happen. I will always trust you, and want to learn everything you’re willing to share. Okay?”

Bucky looks dazed as you finish your passionate speech. You shake slightly from the rush of emotions overwhelming you. Slowly, his cheeks redden as his eyes flicker between your own. You don’t back down from his gaze, willing him to believe every word you just said.

“You love me?” Bucky whispers.

Your eyes widen, the words you just told him catching up to you. With squared shoulders and an even gaze you repeat, “Heart and soul.”

Bucky’s shoulders sag further, “Can I hug you?”

You wrap your arms around him, quickly being engulfed by him. “You never have to ask to touch me. In any way. I trust you, all of you.”

“You never have to ask either.”

The two of you stay there in silence. Your ear pressed against his chest while you were wrapped firmly in his arms. His nose stays pressed against your hair. Slowly, water drips off of Bucky and onto the tiled floor. You shiver slightly at the coldness that has seeped into your bones. Bucky’s hold on you tightens at the feeling.

“Let me grab you a change of clothes,” Bucky whispers against your hair.

The loss of his hold makes the cold air around you rush back. You shiver in earnest at the chill of the bathroom. Despite being able to dry off the excess water that had soaked you from the rain, you were still damp. Your clothes stuck uncomfortably against your skin, and you moved the towel to your hair. As you finally get your hair dried, Bucky returns with a stack of neatly folded clothes.

“Thank you,” you smile up at him, taking the clothes from his hold.

Bucky gives a polite nod before he steps out of the bathroom, once again leaving you in the chill of the room. You pull off your clothes, putting them in a wet pile inside the bathtub. You lifted the first item Bucky had on the stack, and as it fell open you realized it was his maroon henley. You pulled the shirt over yourself, and enjoyed the way you were nearly drowning in it. The hem stopped just above your knees, and the sleeves fell well past your fingertips. Unfolding the second item, you saw they were some black sweatpants. As you tie them securely over your hips, you realize you don’t think you’ve ever seen Bucky wear them. Pulling on the socks he’d brought you, you sighed in relief for the reprieve from the cold.

“Are you decent?” You called out.

You heard Bucky’s muffled laugh before he called out, “I’m clothed, you can come out.”

You opened the bathroom door and stepped into his bedroom. Bucky was propped against the headboard of his bed, and a lamp was on causing the room to be filled with a warm glow. Bucky had on his own pair of black sweatpants and a white a-shirt. You walked toward the bed, and sat down on the edge, making sure to leave the usual space between the two of you. You chew the inside of your cheek, thinking over everything Bucky told you.

“What’s wrong?” Bucky frowns.

You lace your hands together, “Nothing’s wrong. I was just thinking about some of the stuff you said, and I was debating how to ask you about it.”

“Whatever you want to know I’ll answer,” Bucky gently prompted.

“Okay,” you take a deep breath and try to think of how to phrase your questions. “You chose me to handle your files?”

“Obviously Fury has access to whatever is in them as well, but you’re the only agent other than me. Tony was furious and demanded the team have access, but Steve supported my choice. He managed to convince Fury that it should be up to me who gets to access my files,” Bucky explains. “This really only became an argument after we cleared out the first Hydra base. Steve noticed there were files on me, and he set up a meeting with Fury and me after Tony found out Hydra had files on me. I told Fury that I had no issues with S.H.I.E.L.D owning the files, but that I wanted some guarantee of privacy of my past. I explained I was willing to give full access to the files to him as the director, but that I didn’t want just anyone to be able to read everything. You’d been the most understanding and welcoming to me at that point, so I chose you. Every file was to be sent to you to be added to the database, Fury would be able to see them from there, and I was able to check my memories matched what was reported.”

“I don't get why you didn't give access to Steve?”

Bucky shrugged, “I’m not the only one who feels guilt over that period of my life. Steve fought to go back along where the tracks were on the ground. It was Peggy and Howard that had told him there was no way I’d be able to survive a fall at that speed. They explained it was very unlikely to find my body from the amount of snow that I would have fallen into and would have covered me. None of us knew at that point that Zola had already injected me with his version of the serum, or that it was successful. I didn’t change the way Steve did. So, Steve thinks he should have fought harder to search for me.”

Your shoulders slump, “Oh.”

Bucky nods, understanding exactly how you feel. “Steve shouldn’t feel responsible for it, but he does. He knows about the missions I was sent on, but I don’t want him to know about exactly what happened to me. I made him aware that I was trained and they shocked my memories into nothingness regularly, but that’s all he knows.”

“You said that wasn’t the only mission they…” You trailed off, not wanting to say what they assigned him to do.

“That was the first,” Bucky nodded. “That was also the only time they decided to punish me like that, but they still prepared me for those missions. Those weren’t brutal like the first time was. Total, there were seven of those missions. Ultimately, it was established clients of Hydra that were aware of the Winter Soldier and what I had been capable of. These individuals wanted to feel a sense of power over the Winter Soldier in a way beyond commanding me to kill someone. After the first mission like that, it was only the highest ranked clients of Hydra that were able to pay for me to bend to their desires,” Bucky swallowed.

“What happened to them?” You whispered.

Bucky looked away from you, down to where his hands lay in his lap. “I killed them. At one point, Hydra decided these clients held too much power over certain missions. One of these clients would want a different client to be killed, and that target wanted another client to be killed. To handle this, Hydra accepted the contracts and took the payment. But the assignment of the Winter Soldier was to kill the top clients of Hydra.”

“When were you assigned to assassinate these clients?”

“It was seventy-eight. I didn’t complete that assignment until seventy-nine, though. There was talk about clients paying for the Winter Soldier to hunt down some of the other clients. When the first was assassinated, the others went into hiding. I was to hunt them undetected until they were all eliminated.”

“You were active for a full year?” You were surprised.

Bucky nodded.

“What about your memories in all that time?”

“They started to come back sometimes. I was to return to Pierce every month as a progress report. These reports were when Hydra would provide the beginning of recent paper trails from my targets. It was usually at these times, as well, that my memories had started to return. I would ask something, questioning why I was searching for these people, or why I remembered something but couldn’t place its meaning. I’d be strapped down, they’d shove something into my mouth so I wouldn’t break my jaw, and then the electricity fried my brain.”

You shuddered at the memories you held of recordings Hydra kept of wiping Bucky’s memories. “How did they know how to get your memories to disappear?”

“Shock therapy was popular back in the forties. It was a treatment they believed made patients happier and more willing to accept treatments. At first, Zola was hoping it would make me more susceptible to brainwashing. What they didn’t expect was that my body couldn’t heal that damage at the rate it did combat injuries. Where a bullet wound would heal in a day with a faint scar that would sometimes be gone the next day, my body could take months to heal the damage shock therapy caused. When active, my body healed the damage faster than in cryostasis. The usual temporary memory loss lasted longer for me because it took my body so long to heal from how long they would shock me.”

You sat in silence for a moment, your eyes watering at that information, “Would it be okay if I hugged you?”

Bucky opened his arms to you. “I told you, you never have to ask to touch me,” he tenderly said.

You shifted onto your knees and moved toward his open arms. You allowed yourself to fall into his hold, reassured by the solid arms that wrapped around you. You reminded yourself that he was fine now, nobody could get him. He was safe from everything. You buried your face into the safety of Bucky’s shoulder, not trying to keep your tears from falling. As you cried, Bucky held you tight and quietly reassured you that he was fine. As his hand began to rub slowly across your back, your tears slowed and your sniffles quieted into hiccups.

“I’m sorry,” you choked out. “I should be stronger about this by now.”

Bucky pulled away from you, wiping your tears away once more. He shook his head gently before he opened and closed his mouth. “I think it’s a good thing,” Bucky started off, “it goes to show how much you care. I don’t like that I seem to be the cause of so much of what upsets you, but I appreciate how much you care about me. And I am so lucky to have you care about me.”

You couldn’t deny the wobble in your smile as you looked up at him, “I like caring about you.”

Bucky’s body shook beneath you as he laughed, “I like you caring about me too.”

You jokingly shoved his shoulder while trying to push your way out of his hold. He didn’t budge against your struggles, but you felt him loosen his grip on your waist. His arms fell away slightly, giving you plenty of space to wiggle out from the hug he’d been keeping you in. You kept up your dramatic struggle, but made sure not to pull away from him. As the two of your laughter calmed down, you stopped your struggle. Your body relaxed against Bucky, fully melting against his relaxed form. Your chest rose and fell rapidly as you tried to catch your breath, each puff of air making your chest bump against Bucky’s.

“Why do you let me touch you?” You wonder aloud.

Bucky tilts his head, “What?”

“You let me touch you,” you point out, “and you’ve told me twice now that I don’t need to ask. Why?”

Bucky shrugs, “I feel safe with you. I don’t fear that something bad will happen to me when I’m around you. With you, it’s different. I don’t have the sudden flash of fear whenever you’re close to me the way I do with other people.”

“Not even with Steve?” You ask gently.

Bucky shakes his head with a sigh. “He’s my best friend, and I trust him to always do what’s right. Before the war, he was very different. He’s the same on the inside, but now he holds so much responsibility. I know he would never want to do anything to hurt me, but there’s always going to be a risk with me. The trigger words don’t work any more, but I’m afraid that one day something might happen. I could get severe head trauma, or somehow my wires get crossed up there. And I’m going to have to rely on Steve to handle the Winter Soldier and do the right thing. I’ve told him this, Steve knows my concerns, and he knows I expect him not to hold back.”

You reach out and pull his metal hand into your lap, wrapping both hands around his.

Bucky takes a deep breath, “I can’t risk something like that. I can’t risk becoming him again. Especially not when it comes to you. I trust you fully, and I feel things so strongly toward you that it scares me sometimes, yet you’ve never been afraid of me.”

You lifted his metal hand up to cup your cheek, keeping your hand against his. “You don’t have to worry about anything with me. I fully trust you, and I believe you would never hurt me. Even if something happened to cause the Winter Soldier to return, you wouldn’t hurt me. I know you sometimes struggle to trust yourself, so let me trust you for the both of us,” you turn your head to press a kiss into his palm.

Bucky smiles down at you, “I don’t know how you’ve managed to do it, but you make me feel whole in a way I never thought would be possible again. You erase every bad thing that has ever happened to me and every bad thing I’ve ever done. I ache when it comes to you. I want to feel your touch in any way I can and that terrifies me. Selfishly I started bumping your shoulder, brushing past you in the kitchen, letting my hand brush against yours. I did anything I could to feel your soft touch, and it was so relieving compared to how I’ve felt about being touched for so long. I fight to stay awake until you go to bed, just so I can know you’re safe. You’ve been a breath of fresh air for me in so many ways; I stopped caring about how I was supposed to act with you. I haven’t felt this way since before the train. I didn’t think I was capable of these feelings anymore,” Bucky quietly admits.

“I was scared when I realized my feelings for you,” you quietly admit. “It was that first night, where I made that stupid joke about revealing my scars to you. I was so sleep deprived that those words just slipped out, and you laughed. It sounded so carefree, and happy, and loud. You tilted your head back, and for once you were actually smiling. It was like I got to see you for the first time instead of this person that had been hurting for so long. A glimpse at what you would’ve been like if we’d met in the forties,” you smile up at Bucky. “I was captivated by you. In that instant, I was gone. But we hadn’t really talked before then, and I figured you’d always keep me at arms length. I figured it’d be enough just to have you as my best friend, and I decided I’d be content with whatever you were willing to consider me so I could have you in my life.”

Bucky leaned in close to you, his breath fanning across your face. “I have been head over heels in love with you since the day you introduced yourself to me. You held your hand out to me, and I just nodded with a mumbled greeting. Without missing a beat you gave this small wave and carried on talking like I was a normal person. You were the only one who hadn’t faltered at my weariness while treating me like everyone else. Something inside me clicked like I was finally somewhere I could call home. All because you didn’t treat me like some scared animal that needed comforting. Steve noticed immediately, and when you walked away he gave me this knowing smile. I tried to deny it but it was obvious I was lying. Anytime you were in the same room as me, I was drawn to you. I’d keep finding myself looking for you when I entered a room, or coming to stand near you.”

Your eyes dropped from his and landed on his lips. He was so close that you’d just barely need to lean forward to feel his lips against yours. You looked back up to Bucky’s gaze, and he just barely nodded. You felt him pull you closer as you leaned in to kiss him. When your lips met his, it felt like something in you clicked into place. Bucky kissed you back gently, the kiss remaining sweet and lingering. Slowly, you pulled away to breath and Bucky rested his forehead against yours.

“I have no idea how I managed to keep myself from doing this sooner,” Bucky groaned.

You breathed a laugh, “I have no idea how I convinced myself I’d ever be okay being only your friend.”

Bucky laughed at your words, nodding with a smile. He pressed a kiss to your cheek, and you rolled off his lap. You cozied up into his side, fingers laced with his metal ones while his warm hand traced lazy shapes into your side. Bucky rests his head atop yours. Your emotions no longer felt like they were running wild, a calmness had settled over the two of you.

“I want to treat this right,” Bucky says into your hair. “I want to take you out, and ask you to be my girl. Treat you the way you deserve.”

“I’ve always been your Bucky,” you lightly tease. “But I would like to experience that ‘Barnes charm’ Steve always teases you about.”

“You’ll get the whole nine yards, doll. We can go out to dinner, I can show you the Brooklyn I remember, kiss you goodnight. I’ll give you the full treatment,” the smile was obvious in Bucky’s voice. “Whatcha say?”

You hummed, “I say that Friday at seven works.”

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