I’m just gonna try and reconstruct what happened yesterday. It’s honestly not interesting at all, I’m just hoping that by writing it out I can narrow down what the fuck got me so triggered. Under a read more because it’s long, lol
Around 6pm, I suddenly received an email from A - it said that because of [something personal] she can’t see me at my regular time (2pm) tomorrow, but that we can see each other at 4pm. You’d say that’s nothing big, right? She got me another time slot and all!
But this is the things that happened in my brain:
She can’t ‘be there’ for me when she came straight from a funeral, fuck off
She’s not gonna be there next week either, I don’t wanna go tomorrow
Supposedly going to therapy is Good so I will go but ugh
Funerals are still under covid measures so it has to be someone at least relatively close to her so what if she has FEELINGS seeping through that I will pick up on?! [this one got debunked, because apparently there’s 100 people allowed at funerals at the moment - I though it was like 30 or so]
I’m a horrible person for making a thing out of this, she’s the one with a funeral
Why the fuck is she only emailing me this at 6pm?! Surely she knew before that time - or even before the weekend! - that she had a funeral coming The Literal Next Day?!
Then a friend made this point: she probably did already know she had a funeral, but she was trying all day to find another time slot for me because otherwise she wouldn’t have been able to see me at all, she probably only just found me a time slot by the end of the day which is why she only emailed me at 6pm
Which is a valid point but WOW did it make something inside me angry, just the idea that she would’ve cancelled. I’m having therapy 4 out of 9 weeks now, her cancelling would’ve brought that down to 3 out of 9. And just thinking of that made my brain go... rogue, angry, I don’t know man.
What the fuck do I reply to this email
So I replied to her email. I said 4pm is fine, good luck [it’s more fitting in Dutch, tone wise] with the funeral. I also wrote about my “she’s not gonna be able to be fully Present” fears and about the strong urges to cancel. I wrote I would come, but that it’s very hard right now.
Then I suggested we should make this session a practical one (e.g. discussing my crisis plan), because I can’t handle another chaos session, especially with A not being there again next week.
(Yes, I passive-agressively said ‘again’)
A replied, thanked me for my reply, and said “We can do the crisis plan tomorrow but I doubt that’ll actually remain practical....”. I still have no clue how to read her emails - like tone or intonation - so I don’t even know what that means.
But then, of course, later yesterday night, I sent another email because Why Would I Ever Fucking Behave And Not Be A Horrible Client Stalking Her Therapist The Night Before She Has A Funeral?!
Sorry, another email. But I don’t even want to talk about the stupid plan. I just said that because I thought: if we discuss practical things than we can keep pushing A away. But I don’t want that, in the end. There are so many difficult things and scary things and I’m so confused. That’s what I want to talk about. I just don’t know how. I don’t know where to start with talking because it’s so scary and difficult to explain, but maybe you can help me a little bit with that? (I don’t know how you could, but still)
Sorry for the changes. When I emailed you before I felt strong and angry and cold and distant, but now I’m tired and scared and I just want to manage feeling connected (yuck) tomorrow or something. Maybe then everything will feel less scary and alone. Sorry if that’s weird or stupid or too much.
So. I sent that. And then I had a restless night - I saw the clock go towards 2am, I woke up multiple times, I felt small and scared, grabbing onto my plushie like a lifeline. Sometimes, when I sleep real deep and I wake up in the middle of the night, I really gotta puzzle “wait, what day was it yesterday? what day is it gonna be? what does it mean when it’s that day?”. It’s confusing.
Anyway, I also wrote A in that email that obviously I wasn’t expecting a reply anymore. But this morning she replied “Good that you wrote me, see you this afternoon!” so I guess she’s not angry?
BUT YEAH. After writing all this, I still don’t understand why I went to full on cold angry wall as soon as I read that email? She wasn’t even cancelling the session, just moving it two hours! Why would I (or part of me) react so strongly to that?
And now I only have therapy at 4, which means LOTS of time to pass, yikes. The weather forecast has cleared up though (from 87% chance of rain to 10% lol) so thank FUCK for that. I think I’m just gonna play a lot of stardew.
10 notes · View notes