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#college friends
thatbadadvice · 10 months
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Dear Advisor,
I (M 21) have formed a tight-knit friend group in college. Yay! My closest college friends are the members of my ttrpg group, who we’ll call A, B, C, D, and E. A (F 21) and B (NB 22) have been dating for the whole time I’ve known them, about a year. Last year, A, B, and C lived in the same residence hall and were rarely apart. Now that B has graduated, the plan next year is for A and D to be roommates while C, E, and I live in a similar residence hall. I expect to see a lot of B, who plans to find a job and apartment in this town.
B is my friend, so this is *almost* fine. Except that while I like A, and I like B, it is painful to hang out with both of them at the same time. B is a fairly jealous person, and they get very upset and mean when A hangs out with friends without including them. When we get lunch together and the topic turns to an interest of A’s that B does not share, B usually ends up monologuing about how much they dislike the interest. These monologues often turn into teardowns of A as a person that the rest of us awkwardly sit through. A and B have a lot of their fights in public, and they’re mean to each other.
At this point, I’ve seen enough meanness that I don’t consider B a close friend anymore, and I’m wavering on A. I like both of them, but the way they’re willing to treat each other in public, especially the way B treats A, throws up a lot of red flags.
Any good options? I’m worried that if I tell A that I don’t like how B treats her, it’ll torpedo my friendships with both of them. C is A’s best friend, E is B’s best friend, and D is about to be A’s roommate, so it’s not like I can avoid either of them. And I do still like them, especially A. When it’s just the two of us, A is a good friend.
What do I do? I’m tempted to bring it up to our other friends, but I don’t like talking behind people’s backs.
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Readers sometimes send Bad Advisor their real-ass questions to answer, so the Bad Advisor is periodically going to try her hand at answering them. If you’d like to submit a question for a Good Advice Interlude, use the “ask” form!
What a surprise it is, going on a decade-plus of Bad Advice, to finally have some TTRPG drama on the blog! ("Table-top role-playing games," for the uninitiated.) The Bad Advisor is all too familiar with the Darth Partner/Missing Stair dynamic (h/t Captain Awkward, the Pervocracy) in TTRPG scenarios and it's a real goddamned bummer, because you can mostly scoot away from the DP/MS at a party but when you're stuck at the gaming table with them, woof.
My first inclination, as an old-ass gamer lady, was to simply tell you that B will probably just move the fuck on from your group now that they're graduated and doing non-college things, but that doesn't help you in the moment, and they might not, and frankly DP/MS folks will show up for your entire fucking life if you're a game-type person in many and various modes, and it's good to figure out how you're going to handle them now and get some practice in with not tolerating nonsense in your circle. I'm gonna use some elaborate/belabored RPG metaphors in this response and want to emphasize that it doesn't mean your life is a game! (I also believe TTRPG life is real life, because it's my real life, too!) But you've given me a delightful tableau within which to work.
Your instincts for not just straight-up shit-talking and gossiping about A and B's deal are correct! You will never be able to keep those conversations totally private (nothing that starts in the TTRPG side-chat ever stays in the TTRPG side-chat), and for both A and B, it will suck to inevitably find out that their buds were engaged in such conversations. Is it possible you could safely feel out the other members of the group on the A/B relationship dynamic, as a fact-finding, temperature-taking mission? MAYBE. But it's a very risky maybe IMO, and if you don't love the dynamic, I don't necessarily think you need side-chat validation on this point. You have information the other players may or may not have; you are entitled to act upon it. I think we dispense with C, D, and E. You aren't them, and you can't control what they do or say or feel, and they aren't asking me for advice. But you can model behavior and steer your party!
So. What are you gonna do?
You start by describing B as a friend, but waffle on that some -- you've become less close because you dislike B's treatment of/behavior around A, which is fair! You're allowed to decide, with new information about how B behaves in particular situations, that you don't really like parts of a person, or maybe even that person at all! You don't have to set the whole motherfucker on fire to make your feelings known in a thoughtful, polite, and even kind way; if somebody else (B) blows that shit up, it's on them! They are a whole other person who will act a way in a game/life that you cannot control; the only thing you need to feel good about at the end of your turn is that you did something that was true to you/your character. Because for real, if there's one thing I know about people, it's that telling people to do a thing because you want them to do a thing (such as: "Y'all are miserable and you should split up!") will almost always result in the told-parties doubling down on the opposite of what the telling-party wants them to do. (This is what I do to torture my folks when I am the dungeon-master, because it is what people do!)
Assuming we're talking about garden variety shitty relationship behavior (which is what I think you've described here) and not full-scale abuse in public, I think you have a number of options depending on the situation. I don't mean to suggest that you should accommodate bad behavior; you already know that feels crappy and sows discord and confusion because you're doing it, now, by trying to side-step around the ick. You gotta choose your move depending on where you are on the board.
The next time A and B get into it in front of everybody (during a game, or at the bar, or the coffee shop, or the student union, or wherever), you pretend-roll a charisma check and imagine you got a 15+ and they rolled a combined 3 (because they have??? nobody likes this!!!!), and you say something to this effect: "Hey, A and B? These vibes are not great, can we table this tiff until later?" Repeat as needed! Passive voice/vague antecedents are great in these kinds of situations: "Can folks not get into this right now?"/"Moving on! Let's focus on XYZ!"/"Feels like we're getting off track — can we do ABC instead?"/"Wow! That's kind of awkward and private! Let's not do that here!" If it helps, imagine B is the obnoxious NPC you need to get the bare minimum of compliance out of to continue the game of not blowing up the entire situation. You already have a good bead on what people do when they feel attacked, because you're literally playing games wherein that make-believe happens! People fight back and get defensive! It's a bad scene!
Other people's bad relationships are theirs to solve, so you can treat interactions regarding those relationships as open-ended puzzle games that are not for you to finish. You are the Oracle, not the puzzlemaster. If you get A or B on their own in a safe space where you're not rushed to get somewhere or hungry or otherwise pissy or wanting, why not ask: How does it feel when A/B does that? What would you like to see happen instead when Bad interaction happens? What might you do about that irritating/annoying/weird thing A/B does? Despite what I said in the prior bullet points, your friends are not NPCs, and of course you know this or you wouldn't be asking — they are the main characters in their own lives, and you can neither save nor sink them.
It might be that A and B stay in this weird bad relationship! If it continues to cause bad vibes at the game nights/within your circle, I think you're well within your rights to say, either to one or both of them if they haven't gotten previous messages: "Hey, I like you both, I want to keep doing XYZ fun things with y'all, but this dynamic is actually really, legitimately killing the vibe, because I don't get to see the fun part where y'all make up and feel good about everything, I only see the bad arguing parts and it's just a real downer!" Don't let them off the hook about this! Stand your ground when they come back with "Oh, we're just joking" or "Ah, well, that's just how we are." Okay, they're joking and that's how they are, but it SUCKS TO BE AROUND and if it's not a big deal, they can cut that shit out!
The whole deal blows, and you're in a sorry position to have to navigate it. It just absolutely is a shit situation to have a friend-group whose dynamic is messed up in this way. But you're asking because your interest is in maintaining a collective good-feeling, and I can promise you that skipping the missing stair of A and B's bad vibes (and maybe specifically B's behavior) will absolutely in the long-term result in the precise kind of bad-feeling you're trying to avoid by skating past it today. Resentment, distrust, annoyance, back-channeling — all of the things we build and do to avoid being emotionally honest with people who care about because we think it'll hurt less in the moment, or get better later, or just change, somehow — are also 10000000% guaranteed ways to push us farther apart from the people we love, rather than keep us close and friendly.
Your people will always be your people. You have a wonderful and beloved friend group, and you will lose and add members of your party throughout your life, but you will never lose any people who were supposed to be your people if you commit to being kindly forthright while modeling your needs, boundaries, and appreciations for them. This isn't a skill you pick up once and do automatically forever; it takes work and commitment throughout your life and it's fucking annoying and awkward and so, so worth it.
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femmefatalevibe · 7 months
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hi i just started my first year of university (it’s been two days since i moved into my dorm), and i’m wondering how do i make friends or at least leave an impression that makes people want to get to know me. i’ve always been a shy and awkward person and i hate how i don’t really know how to properly socialise. i can’t help but look longingly at other first years who already found friends and are more social than me. :(
Hi love! Honestly, just strike up a conversation with people you see in the halls/in your dorm/at welcome week parties/orientations, etc. Everyone is looking to make friends during their first week/semester of school.
Say "Hi!" Offer a compliment if you're feeling shy
Just introduce yourself; Ask them how they're doing/if they're a freshman too (the answer will likely be yes in these spaces), what they're planning to major in/what activities they're attending during the day
Invite people to your room for some sort of game night/getting ready occasion, etc.
If you find someone with a mutual interest, exchange numbers and send them something relevant to this shared interest (article/product or book link, etc.) and ask to go to a related event/grab coffee
Try to join clubs relevant to your desired major/interests. Make relevant conversation about the club topic or generally just get to know them
This is the time to put yourself out there. No one knows you well enough to judge – you're all in the same boat. One of my best friends to this day just walked up to me to say hello at a party and texted me to get coffee a few days later, and 7 years in, we talk almost every day.
Don't overthink it! Everything will likely work out just fine. 3-5 or so of my closest friends are one I made during my first semester of college
Hope this helps xx
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ssshh-im-a-secret · 2 months
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Oh the things I do for my friends.
I'm home for winter break from college, and my friend requested that I go to two specific roads about an hour away from where I live because she thought they were funny.
Not only did I do that, I went into a cemetery to get her pictures of me in the cemetery, and outside another cemetery.
My friends and I have issues. I risked getting cursed for her, no wonder people think we're gay.
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sentimental-idiot25 · 10 months
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{Modern/college au SasuSaku} Ino, Naruto, Lee, Hinata, and Shikamaru gathered in their dorm lounge, their attention drawn to the vacant sixth seat at the rectangular table.
"Where's Sakura?" Lee inquired, turning to Ino, who was usually inseparable from Sakura.
"She left Organic Chemistry all excited, but I haven't seen her since," Ino replied, her gaze fixed on her own tasks, her tone tinged with annoyance.
"Did anyone notice the strange looks Sasuke was giving her during class?" Hinata interjected. The girls had decided to take a class together this semester, and coincidentally, Sasuke Uchiha, another resident of their dorm floor, had ended up in the same class.
"Ugh! Don't even mention that jerk's name," Ino sighed. "I can't understand how Sakura can be infatuated with someone like him. Sure, he's good-looking, but his personality sucks."
"He's just cold and reserved," Naruto chimed in.
"Are you defending him?" Shikamaru leaned in, addressing Naruto.
"No way! He's too arrogant for his own good. He thinks he's the best in our team," Naruto vented in frustration.
"Overall, I don't like him. But let's stop talking about him and his..." Ino's voice trailed off as she noticed Sakura and Sasuke walking hand in hand towards them.
"Sakura!" Hinata called out, her surprise evident. Were they now a couple?
Approaching the group with a wide smile, Sakura shared her news, leaving the whole group in disbelief. "Guys, Sasuke and I are dating now!" she announced.
Ino and Hinata exchanged glances, their mouths smiling, but their eyes revealing their shock. "Oh my god! Congratulations to both of you!" Ino managed to say.
"Mphm!" Hinata murmured, her face turning slightly red, realizing they might have been overheard. However, judging by Sakura's expression, it seemed they hadn't been caught, although Sasuke wore his usual impassive face.
"Oh, let me go and show them the flowers you got me!" Sakura exclaimed. She released Sasuke's hand and disappeared down the hallway. Sasuke watched her with a smile.
Breaking the silence, Shikamaru spoke up. "So when did this happen?"
"Today," Sasuke replied as he took a seat in Sakura's spot. Needless to say, Lee was fuming. "Also, I wanted to address the elephant in the room..." All five of them leaned in, eager to hear what Sasuke had to say. "I know we might have gotten off on the wrong foot, but for Sakura's sake, let's all try to get along, please."
"Seems fake. I don't trust him," Lee whispered to Ino.
"You've never wanted anything to do with us before. How can we trust you... Hey, Sakura," Ino trailed off as Sakura returned with a bouquet of flowers.
"Sakura, those are your favorite flowers!" Hinata pointed out.
"I know, isn't Sasuke just so thoughtful?" Sakura gazed at the flowers with immense adoration. "Oh speaking of, sorry I can't hang out right now--we're about to go out." "Oh if you wanna hang out for a while go ahead." Sasuke spoke to Sakura. "Oh are you sure?" Her face softened. "Yeah of course." He said with a smile, he leaned down and gave her a kiss on her cheek. "I'll hope to see you guys around more." He said before leaving off into the hallway. Sakura's animated face was smiling more than ever before. "OH MY GOD! It finally happened!" She said all giddy before taking her seat. Naruto, always one to wear his heart on his sleeve, spoke up with a mix of excitement and a tinge of jealousy. "So, are you two, like, really serious? Is this a forever kind of thing?" "Naruto!" Sakura exclaimed as her face brightened with blush.
"Pshh, I'm just curious as to why him of all people?" Ino quipped, her tone teasing.
Hinata chimed in with a mischievous smile, "Maybe it's his brooding personality. Girls always fall for the mysterious types."
Lee couldn't help but interject with a touch of sarcasm, "Oh yeah, because nothing says 'romantic' like a guy who can't crack a smile."
Shikamaru, always the laid-back observer, joined in the banter, "Well, I guess opposites do attract. Sakura is full of energy and enthusiasm, while Sasuke is...well, the complete opposite."
Naruto joined in, "Who would've thought? Maybe we've misjudged him all this time."
"But hold on," Hinata interjected, her eyes sparkling with mischief. "Does this mean we have to plan a double date?"
"Woah! I think we might be getting ahead of ourselves here!" Sakura said, her hands outstretched. "We just started dating today. I know I like him a lot, but it's still new for both of us. More so for him--"
"You sure about that?" Shikamaru interjected, his eyebrow raised inquisitively.
Sakura's eyes widened in surprise. "You know something we don't?"
Shikamaru leaned back in his chair, a thoughtful expression on his face. "Well, if you pay attention to the way he's always looked at you, and the fact that he might have overheard you girls talking about your classes and decided to take one that you're in... His major doesn't require that particular class. All I'm saying is, maybe it's not a new feeling for Sasuke."
The group fell into silence, each member lost in their own thoughts, contemplating Shikamaru's revelation. Sakura's cheeks flushed with a mix of excitement and curiosity. Could it be possible that Sasuke had harbored feelings for her for longer than she realized?
Sakura turns to go to Sasuke's room, "Im gonna ask him." She said proudly.
"NO!" The whole group exclaimed all at once. As she sat directly back down blushing.
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idyllicbby · 4 months
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i love doing domestic activities with my friends
you wanna let me do your hair? let me get my hair products & diffuser. you wanna go grocery shopping? let me pull out my list & let’s down every single walk shelf & fill up the cart with things we know each other likes. wanna do our dreaded college homework together? let me mentally prepare to multitask listening to the upcoming rant about all of your professors & classes whilst i try to finish my essay.
let me do your nails, let me cook for you, let me help you clean/organize your space with no judgement whatsoever, let me hold your hand as your cry, let me make you laugh, let me give you the biggest hug imaginable—you are my friend and i need to let you know that you don’t have to perform for me to love & appreciate your existence
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jula483 · 2 years
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a trip with their friends from college! [x]
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Wednesday, 20th March 2024
My exam is tomorrow and of course I'm anxious. Hopefully, I'll do well and get a passing grade because at this point, I just want to pass 🥲
I wrote notes while I studied to the point my hand started to hurt, but it was worth it since I'll remember what I did. I'm about to sleep, I'm not worried about what to wear since my college makes us wear uniforms (I wear a scrub dress and cardigan all with the college logo on it). As for breakfast I'll have coffee and dates and maybe if my stomach allows, more food. (I can barely eat when I'm anxious)
I pray to Allah that I'll perform well in my exams and that everything will be okay. I hope that this next semester will be better than the last.
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bonsighh · 23 days
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just experienced my first toxic uni friendship lmaao
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oh-whale13 · 25 days
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"College is for learning and expanding your mind." Well... Yes. That too. But have you considered that college is a place to make friends with your peers? It's a buncha people your age who like junk food as much as you do and you might find some pretty funky fresh people in the crowd.
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Yeah I’m just stuck in the middle
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🛹
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pxlatedlife · 1 year
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Stevie got a new internship
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speckledpitaya · 5 months
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I love college because it’s literally just a playdate constantly like I’ve had the same 3 friends since the start of the semester that I’ve hung out with all my waking hours and a few days ago we’ve added a 4th to our daily hangouts and I feel like I just unlocked dlc or something this is fantastic
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lizzy06 · 1 year
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Maze of lies
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Pairing: Jungkook x reader
Genre: friends to lovers au, fake boyfriend au
Warnings: none yet
Summary:
Your college friends group which consisted of 7 wonderful boys begins to shatter due to a certain girl who has captured the heart of one of your friends Taehyung . You have to go to his marriage but what happens when she was dead set on excluding a particular member? What will you do when the requirement for the marriage is a partner? How can you amend the broken relationship between your friends?
Hey guys!! If you like this idea, please let me know..
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smorp-a-dorp · 7 months
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Last year, I tried to employ a college friend making strategy that I have dubbed the Plastic Dinosaur Method™.
It went well for like a day or so, (I gave some to my roommates and like,,, one other person) but it quickly ground to a halt when I weirded someone out with it. (Granted, I showed up at their dorm down the hall from mine after they wrote their dorm number on my dorm door’s whiteboard and I went to say hi, so maybe that freaked them out.)
Anyways, I transferred schools (for unrelated reasons) and I’ve been employing the Plastic Dinosaur Method™ during marching band camp and people are digging it. 👍👍
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In another universe I'm having fun with my college friends at the convocation.
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