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#chinook winds
migueldelaguila · 2 years
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This  Friday #WestCoast #premiere of #MigueldelAguila’s  #SextetDances for #windQuintet and #piano by #ChinookWinds, #WesleyDucote, piano #GreatFallsSymphony #Keynote@TheNewberry #ChamberMusic #Series #GreatFalls #MT tickets/info: https://app.arts-people.com/index.php?show=141743
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cyberhai · 1 year
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@original-character-championship
CHINOOK SWEEP!!!
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(by order of Desperado Enforcement LLC)
Let's go let's go let's go!!!
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felidaefatigue · 1 year
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todays illness in the post covid daily illness roulette is intense nas..eau nasaeu.. i can never remember how to spell.
and i brought tuna wrap for lunch but i bought weird flavoured tuna that smelled fucking weird cause they were out of good kinds and i very much fear opening it...
also work is cold and my throat is a lil rough and my nose is still constantly full of snot so yaaaaay
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virtie333 · 1 year
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Everyone has a breaking point. Deny it, and you'll blind yourself to know when you've reached yours.
― Dorothy McFalls
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six-of-ravens · 1 year
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neighbour is doing late night laundry again, I have a headache so I put earplugs in to see if that would help bc the noise was bothering me, this made the headache worse bc now I really feel like my brain is in a pressure cooker
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hslllot · 2 years
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harry is going to be in canada in less than a month………
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inga-don-studio · 2 years
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Help babe, my inner seasonal clock keeps thinking PNW late spring weather = SoCal Halloween weather.
It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t so disappointing fsjfsjjgsj. Like no, sorry brain, we still have almost half a year until spooky times. :(
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1968 [Chapter 3: Hermes, God Of Thieves]
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Series Summary: Aemond is embroiled in a fierce battle to secure the Democratic Party nomination and defeat his archnemesis, Richard Nixon, in the presidential election. You are his wife of two years and wholeheartedly indoctrinated into the Targaryen political dynasty. But you have an archnemesis of your own: Aemond’s chronically delinquent brother Aegon.
Series Warnings: Language, sexual content (18+ readers only), violence, bodily injury, character deaths, New Jersey, age-gap relationships, drinking, smoking, drugs, pregnancy and childbirth, kids with weird Greek names, historical topics including war and discrimination, math.
Word Count: 4.5k
Tagging: @arcielee @huramuna @glasscandlegrenades @gemmagirlss1 @humanpurposes @mariahossain @marvelescvpe @darkenchantress @aemondssapphirebussy @haslysl @bearwithegg @beautifulsweetschaos @travelingmypassion @althea-tavalas @chucklefak @serving-targaryen-realness @chaoticallywriting @moonfllowerr @rafeism @burningcoffeetimetravel-fics @herfantasyworldd @mangosmootji @sunnysideaeggs
💜 All of my writing can be found HERE! 💜
They say it’s the most dangerous job in Vietnam. That’s why I wanted to do it.
Chinooks transport men and equipment, Cobras are gunships, Jolly Green Giants are used in search-and-rescue missions. But the Loach—Light Observation Helicopter—is a scout. We have to fly low enough to spot fresh footprints in mud, glints of sunlit metal, blooms of firelight from smoldering cigarettes in the primordial maze of the jungle. And when you go looking for the enemy, sometimes that’s exactly who you find. U.S. Army regulations decree that each Loach must be inspected after 300 hours of flight time, but they rarely make it that long. I’ve been shot down twice already. You roll out of the wreckage, grab your buddies, and book it out of the area before the Vietcong kill you, or worse: drag you back to the Hanoi Hilton so you can die slow.
Currently we’re just north of Pleiku, coasting close enough to the treetops that I could reach out and touch them. I’m in the back seat with my M16, no door between me and the outside world, my hair tied back with a green bandana, the wind hot and sticky. It’s so fucking humid here. Why can’t the communists be trying to take over Malta or Sweden or Monterey Bay, California?
It was the old men who suggested I might be of greatest service to the family by enlisting. I was 25, newly graduated from Columbia Law—a family tradition—and dreading the desk job that awaited me at the Department of Justice. Some people are born to type their lives away in some leather-upholstered office with a view of Pennsylvania Avenue, but not me, and I know this like I know the sun or the stars, ancient truths that can never be changed. And so when Otto and Viserys sat me down—my father had only had one stroke by that point, and was still relatively involved in the day-to-day minutia of putting a Targaryen in the White House—and said Aemond having a brother in Vietnam would make him more relatable, more sympathetic, more noble, not an observer to the carnage of the war but a fellow victim of it…I told them I’d go.
Everyone needs a project. If you don’t have something to distract you from the futility of human existence, it’ll break you in half. I have the Loach. Otto and Viserys, both immigrants ineligible to serve as president of the United States, have their shared ambition of getting their bloodlines in the Oval Office. Aemond has his legacy. My mother has her children, and Criston has my mother. Helaena has her gardens, her bugs, quiet gentle things that she tends with her own thorn-pricked hands. Aegon doesn’t have a project, he never really has, and it’s driven him to the cliff’s edge of insanity. See what I mean?
Anyway, let me tell you something about Vietnam. The Army gives us all the steak, beer, and cigarettes we can handle, but I’d kill for a lemon-lime Mr. Misty—
“Daeron, get down!” the guy to my left screams over the noise of the rotors. His name is Richie Swindell, and he’s from Omaha, Nebraska, and now he’s plummeting out of the helicopter as bullets riddle his chest. I duck low and cover my head as we spiral sideways into the trees, snapping branches, shredding leaves like confetti. I can hear the pilot yelling something, but I can’t tell what. When we hit the earth, the lightweight aluminum skin of the Loach does exactly what it’s supposed to, crumpling to absorb the shock of the collision and reduce trauma to us mortals inside. I scramble out of the rubble on my hands and knees and go to check on the pilot, but it’s too late. He’s already being hauled out by the Vietcong and gets a bullet to the brain. I reach back into the ruins of the Loach to grab my M16, but there are hands around my ankles yanking me out. And now I’m next, and there’s nowhere left to run, and I’m hoping Criston will be there to hold my mother when she gets the Western Union telegram.
One of the soldiers shouts and stops the others, shoving them aside to get a better look at me. With the barrel of his AK-47, supplied by either China or the Russians, he prods at the patch displaying my last name: Targaryen. His compatriots don’t seem impressed. Again, he batters my nametag, speaking to them in Vietnamese.
He knows who I am, I realize. He knows Aemond is running for president.
Now there is a hell of a lot of excitement. The men are talking rapidly amongst themselves, marveling at me, poking and examining me. Then two of them grab me by the arms. I look to the soldier who knows English, at least enough of it to read those nine fated letters. He smiles at me, not like a friend. Like a wolf baring its teeth.
He says: “It is okay, Targaryen boy. We just have some questions for you.”
Guess I’ll be checking into the Hanoi Hilton after all.
~~~~~~~~~~
You wake up to Aegon strumming an acoustic guitar and singing Johnny Cash. The guitar must be new. The one he left at Asteria is plain maple wood and covered in stickers; this unfamiliar instrument is a vivid, Caribbean blue and has Gibson written across the headstock.
“I hear the train a-comin’, it’s rolling ‘round the bend
And I ain’t seen the sunshine since I don’t know when
I’m stuck in Folsom Prison, and time keeps draggin’ on…”
“Let me die. I’m ready to go.”
Aegon laughs, setting his new guitar aside.
“Is Ari okay?”
“Yeah, he’s doing great. And I got the stuff you asked for.”
Sure enough, there are three roomy sundresses hanging from the coatrack—you wanted to have options in case you had trouble finding one that fit correctly, though you gave Aegon a general neighborhood for sizes—as well as an array of cosmetics on the nightstand, including a bottle of shimmering champagne-colored nail polish. “I’m really impressed. You barely forgot anything. Though I will look odd with blush but no foundation.”
“Ohhhhh. Fuck.”
“And this isn’t human shampoo. It’s for dogs. That’s why it has a mastiff on the label.”
“I thought it looked like you,” Aegon says, smirking mischievously.
“Well, thanks for trying.”
“And I found this at the gift shop.” He tosses a card at you like a frisbee. You open the envelope to see a cartoon cow on the front, black and white and wearing a huge copper bell and a party hat. Inside is printed: May your graduation be legenDAIRY! Aegon has crossed it out and written instead I thought this was blank…congrats on the new calf! followed by his illegible scribble of a signature.
“A cow,” you say, smiling despite yourself. “Because I’m Io.”
“You’ve got about a million of those pouring in from all over the country. Congratulations cards, get well soon cards, we really hope your husband gets elected so we aren’t consumed by nuclear Armageddon cards. And then Richard Nixon sent a pipe bomb.”
You set Aegon’s card on your nightstand, half-open so it will stay standing upright. Then you drink the apple juice from the tray the nurses left for you. “Aemond’s not here yet?”
“Uh, no, not yet,” Aegon says vaguely, kicking his feet up on the ottoman. He’s been shopping for himself too. He’s wearing a denim jacket over a black The Kinks t-shirt, ripped jeans, moccasins. He uses the remote to turn on the television: The Dating Game. “So, what did you study in college? You went to Manhattanville, right?”
You chuckle, shaking your head. “You really don’t listen when I talk, do you?”
“I try not to.”
“Yes, I went to Manhattanville. And I studied math.”
“No way. You didn’t major in math.”
“Women can’t do math?” you tease. “That’s sexist.”
“I didn’t say women can’t do math. I’m saying there’s no way your parents sent you to a housewife factory like Manhattanville College of the Sacred Heart to get a math degree.”
“They didn’t, which is why my bachelor’s is in math education. So half-math, half-kid stuff. Makes it a little more…domestic.”
“Cool. Teach me math.”
“What, really?”
“Yeah. Really.” He digs around in the pockets of his jeans until he finds a receipt, then locates a pen in the nightstand drawer. He hands both to you and then stands so he can watch over your shoulder as you work. You can smell him: cigarette smoke, rum, the cool grey rain that is falling outside. It drips off his hair, carelessly slicked back from his face.
“What’s something you don’t know how to do?” you ask, expecting to get an answer like exponents or calculating the volume of a pyramid.
“Uh. Long division.”
You raise your eyebrows. “Going all the way back to 4th grade. Alright then.” You begin writing. “So let’s take a large number—this year, 1968—and divide it by…hm…how many kids you have. So five.”
Aegon whistles. “Five kids. Goddamn.”
“Yes, and you probably couldn’t name them, but there are indeed five. Trust me, I’ve counted.”
“Okay, this is the part I don’t get. Five goes into 19 almost four times. But there’s no way to say almost four.”
“There certainly is not. Five goes into 19 three times, so we put a three up top and then subtract 15 from 19. We get four, drop down the six from 1968, and now we’re dividing 46 by five.”
“Nine.”
“Right. Five times nine is 45. So the nine goes up top and we subtract 45 from 46.”
“45 is basically 46. Let’s call it a day. Close enough.”
“No,” you insist. “We get one, then drop down the eight from 1968, which makes 18.”
“And five goes into 18 three times.”
“Where’s the three go?”
“Up top,” Aegon says, observing fixedly.
“And then we subtract…”
“15 from 18, which is three. So the answer is 393.3.”
“Wrong. Loser.”
“What! How am I wrong?!”
“You don’t just put the three after the decimal,” you say. “You drop down a zero—”
“A zero?! Where the fuck did a zero come from?”
“From the fact that 1968 is a whole number, so it’s actually 1968.0.”
“Oh.” Aegon blinks a few times. “Gotcha.”
“Add the zero after the three to get 30—”
“And 30 divided by five is six. So the answer is 393.6.”
“I am so proud. You are officially as smart as an average nine-year-old.”
He takes the receipt from you and studies it. “This was super enlightening.”
“You want to try calculus now?”
He cackles and sinks back into his plush salmon pink armchair, his miniature dominion in your hospital room kingdom. “You like teaching?”
“I love it,” you admit. “I had to do a semester of student teaching the spring before I graduated, and at first I was kind of petrified. But the kids are so hilarious and interesting and full of excitement about everything, and they’re sweet in totally unexpected ways. They’d chatter all through a lesson and make me want to jump out a five-story window, and then bring me some of their Easter candy. That’s when I realized they weren’t trying to torture me. They’re just kids.”
Aegon is meditative. “Yeah, kids are fun.”
“I wasn’t aware you had much interest in them.”
“No, I do.” And something about the way he says it makes you feel bad for taking the shot. He runs his fingers through his hair, perhaps debating how much he wants to share. “You know Viserys made us all do these little missions after college so we could learn about the real world, right?”
“Right.” Daeron spent his on lobster boats up in Maine, Helaena learned horticulture in France, Aemond helped register voters in Mississippi and Alabama. You can’t recall ever hearing about Aegon’s.
“I got sent to Yuma, Arizona to teach on the reservation there. When I stepped off the bus, I thought it was hell on earth. And then when my time was up I didn’t want to leave.”
“What did you teach?” And then you add: “Hopefully not math.”
“No, definitely not math,” he says, smiling but distant, remembering. “English. Books, poems, all that. But my favorite thing to do was take a song and break it down line by line, really get them curious about what the author was thinking. And then of course we’d all sing it together. I’d play guitar, they’d run around jumping on the furniture, it was a good time.”
“But you couldn’t stay.”
“No,” he sighs. “I had to come back here so I could get dragged kicking and screaming through law school and then married off.”
“And elected mayor of Trenton,” you say, trying to make him laugh. It works.
“Oh God, we are not talking about that. Most miserable two years of my life.”
“So far.”
“Yeah. If Aemond wins and makes me the attorney general, that might be worse.”
“Knock knock!” comes a cheerful trill from the doorway, and then Alicent and Mimi rush in. They descend upon your hospital bed, cooing and soothing, squeezing your hands and trying to smooth your untamed hair.
“What did it feel like?” Mimi is morbidly fascinated, swaying a little, eyes bleary with gin. “When they were digging around in there?”
“Well, obviously she was sedated, hon,” Aegon says, a bit impatiently. He and Mimi share a nod in greeting, no warmth, no depth. You wonder what it must be like for someone you spent so much time tangled up with to become a stranger.
“Oh, darling, I barely recognize you!” Alicent says. “You poor thing, you must be in such awful pain. I’ve never seen you like this before. Your face, your hair…”
Aegon gives her a quick, disapproving look and then lights a cigarette of the traditional variety. He puffs on it as he gazes at the window, like he’s counting the raindrops on the glass.
“I’m feeling a lot better now,” you assure Alicent.
Her eyes flick down to your belly, still swollen beneath your blankets. “Will it scar terribly, do you think?”
You shrug; you haven’t thought much about that part yet. “It’s a battle scar. Aemond gets them in the real world, I get them in here. Same war, different arenas.” You peek out into the hallway. “Is Aemond…is he with you…?”
“He wanted to be,” Alicent says, like it’s a consolation. “But, Washington, you know…the primary there is so close. So, so close. He kept saying that he and Humphrey were neck and neck, and they still are, I believe. Every vote counts, and he’s campaigning all over the Puget Sound.”
“He’s still in Washington?” Your voice is flat with disbelief, with disapproval.
“He wishes he could be here with you and the baby,” Alicent insists, stroking your hair. “I’m sure he’ll fly back as soon as he’s able. But he’s thinking of you so, so much. That’s why he let me and Mimi leave this morning.”
“Right,” you reply numbly. And then you remember what you’re supposed to say. “The election is important. It affects everyone, our son included. For the greater good, personal sacrifices are necessary.”
“We saw him,” Alicent tells you, radiant with joy. “Aristos Apollo.”
“So precious,” Mimi says. “But so small! And trapped in that hideous machine! We could only see him through those little round windows.”
Aegon casts her a violent glare. You are alarmed. “He’s not in an incubator?”
“They have him in a…what was it called, Mimi?” Alicent asks. Mimi has nothing useful to contribute. “A hyperbaric chamber, I think. To help him get more oxygen.”
“But he’s fine,” Aegon says firmly, giving his wife and mother a warning. “Didn’t the doctor say it was a precaution?”
“He did, he did,” Alicent promises you. “Yes, just a precaution, that’s what we were told. The doctor has been trying to reach Aemond, apparently, but since he landed in Washington, he’s never in one place for long…”
“We should buy gifts for the baby,” Mimi says excitedly. “Adorable hats and shirts and trousers. Although even the tiniest clothes might be too big for him right now.”
“Yes, gifts! We must shop for gifts. Oh, it’s all been such a whirlwind. We hurried off the plane to come straight here, love,” Alicent tells you. “Can Mimi and I get you something for dinner?”
“Sure, sure.” You are distracted, still thinking of Ari. “Anything is fine. Wherever you end up.”
“Would you like me to bring a priest to pray with you? Saint Nicholas Church is right around the corner.”
You smile. “That’s very kind, but I think I’d prefer some books.”
“Baby clothes, dinner, and books. We can do that. Can’t we, Mimi?”
“We absolutely can,” Mimi agrees with tipsy, girlish enthusiasm.
As an afterthought, Alicent says: “Aegon, have you been here all this time? You must be exhausted. We’re going to book a suite at the Plaza, there will be plenty of room for you too. We can drop you off there on our way to go shopping, if you’d like.”
“I’ll stay,” he says softly, watching the rain again.
Alicent’s brow furrows; her dark doe-like eyes are puzzled. “Alright, dear.” Then she and Mimi disappear into the hall.
“Is he really okay?” you ask Aegon when they’re gone.
“Yes. That’s exactly what the doctor told me, just a precaution. I wouldn’t lie to you.”
“Aegon,” you say, and don’t continue until he meets your eyes. “Why are you still here?”
He lights a fresh cigarette. “I don’t think you should be alone.”
“I’m not alone anymore. Alicent visits me, Mimi visits me.”
“Yeah, but you feel like you have to put on a show for them. Play the perfect Targaryen wife with all that stoic, dignified, unshakable faith. You hate me, so there isn’t as much pressure.”
“I don’t hate you, Aegon.”
“Yes you do. You always have. You don’t have to be polite about it.”
“Well…I have valid reasons to hate you.”
He smiles, exhaling smoke. “Right.”
“And you hate me too.”
Now he shrugs, avoiding your gaze. “Everybody worships you, everybody thinks I’m a waste of chromosomes, is it really that hard to psychoanalyze?”
“No one worships me. They worship Aemond.”
“But you’re a package deal. Jack and Jackie, Franklin and Eleanor.”
You trace the lines in your palm with a fingertip, not knowing what to say. You’re so close to Aemond, so inseparable, and yet so vastly far. “Will you wheel me downstairs to see Ari after dinner?” It’s best to go at night when there are less staff around to try to stop you.
“Sure. You want a Mr. Misty?”
“Yeah. Lemon-lime.” That’s what he brought you last time, and it wasn’t bad for a cardboard cup of florescent green sugar water.
“Got it,” Aegon says, and leaves you alone.
You look at the phone on your nightstand. You’ve tried to call Aemond to no avail, though you spoke to Criston twice; on both occasions he said Aemond was in the middle of an interview. It’s understandable that you would have difficulty getting ahold of your husband while he’s off campaigning, leaping from town to town like an electric current. There’s nothing unusual about it at all. But Aemond could call you anytime he likes. You haven’t moved; he knows exactly where you are.
You keep staring at the phone. It doesn’t ring.
~~~~~~~~~~
It’s night again, and you swim up from morphine-soft dreams into your hospital room, dark except for the flashing color of the television, low volume, NBC news. Aegon is curled up in the chair he’s claimed, snoring and half-covered with a cheap, pale blue hospital blanket. And it’s a strange feeling—a foreign language, a new religion—to realize that you’re relieved to see he’s still here, that there’s a comfort in it, a safety.
Suddenly, Aemond is on the television screen. You sit up in bed as gingerly as you can, leaning in, listening close. He’s rarely looked better: blue suit, prosthetic eye, rested and measured and sharp. He’s giving a speech at the Hotel Sorrento in Seattle, three hours behind the time you’re living in on the East Coast. Flanking him on the stage are Criston, Otto, Helaena, Fosco, the eight charming children. Five-year-old Cosmo keeps waving at the camera.
“Right now, my wife and newborn son are at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City,” Aemond says, beaming, and the audience whistles and cheers. You should smile, but you can’t. He’s not supposed to be there. He’s supposed to be on his way home. “But tonight I’m here with all of you, fighting with everything I’m made of to win the great state of Washington. And I won’t leave until the job is done, because I know the greatest act of devotion that any of us can show our children is to ensure they grow up in a better America than the one we find ourselves in today…”
You look over at Aegon and see that his glassy eyes are open, watching the television just like you are. You don’t know how long he’s been awake. The two of you exchange a glance, and there is a silent, shared recognition of what won’t be said. You can’t criticize your husband. Aegon isn’t going to kick you while you’re down. You are grateful for this. It is a conviction he has only recently acquired.
Aegon pulls his blanket up to his chin and rolls over, turning away from you. You close your eyes and dream of being a child back in Tarpon Springs, mesmerized as you watch Greek sponge divers emerge from the bubbling depths in their suits of rubber armor.
~~~~~~~~~~
It’s the afternoon of the 13th. The Washington State Democratic Convention is being held tonight, and so win or lose Aemond will be walking into Mount Sinai Hospital tomorrow. He has to, he doesn’t have a choice. He’ll have no excuse to be anywhere else, and journalists will be swarming at the entranceway like bull sharks in the Gulf of Mexico.
It’s raining again. You’re reading one of the books that Alicent brought you, Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care. You had been meaning to get a copy before you were consumed by Aemond’s campaign and then his near-assassination, his maiming, his fleeting brush with oblivion. Aegon is cross-legged in the salmon pink armchair and plucking lazily at his guitar, singing so low no one outside the room would be able to hear him. It’s a Rolling Stones song, slow and mournful.
“You don’t know what’s going on
You’ve been away for far too long
You can’t come back and think you are still mine.”
As you flip a page and raindrops patter gently against the window, you find yourself thinking how easy this is, your hair undone and your feet bare, no photos to take or lines to remember, no practiced smiles, no overwrought itineraries, only compassion that is quiet and small and real.
“Well, baby, baby, baby, you’re out of time
I said, baby, baby, baby, you’re out of time…”
Aegon abruptly stops playing, cutting off with a twang. You look up at him. He’s gazing back with eyes that are filling up his face, glistening with horror. You turn to find out what he’s seen. There’s a doctor standing in the doorway, but he’s not alone. There’s a Greek Orthodox priest with him.
“Mrs. Targaryen,” the doctor begins, then glances to the priest. The holy man—black robes, gold chains, clasping a komboskini like the one Aemond keeps in a box on his writing desk at Asteria, stained with his own blood—gives an encouraging nod. “We’ve tried to reach your husband. We’ve called his hotel in Tacoma several times, but the senator must be out campaigning, and…” Again, he looks to the priest. Aegon is setting his guitar on the floor, covering his mouth with his hands.
Ari. Too early, too fragile, too defenseless in a world full of wolves.
Your words come out in a whisper. “He’s gone, isn’t he?”
“We must remember, child,” the priest tells you, vague patronizing pity. “That the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, but what is lost to us in this life is never truly gone. Those we love wait for us on the other side in paradise—”
“Please leave. I don’t want to talk to a priest. I don’t want to talk to anyone.”
I just gave birth to him. I just started to believe he was mine.
The doctor begins: “Ma’am, I’m so sorry to have to deliver this news—”
“I don’t want to talk to anyone, I want to be alone. So please leave,” you beg, your voice breaking. “I want to be alone. Please leave me alone.”
The doctor looks to Aegon. A man’s permission is sought. “Go,” Aegon manages, raspy and strangled, and the doctor obeys.
“God bless you and your husband, Mrs. Targaryen,” the priest says as he departs with a swift bow. You can’t reply. You’re biting back sobs as the tears begin to slither down your cheeks, scalding and furious, not just grief but the bottomless rage of Nemesis.
Aegon is watching you, not knowing what to do, not knowing what you need.
Aemond would want you to be stoic. Aemond would want you to have faith, forbearance, grace. “It is God’s will.”
“Hey.” Aegon reaches across the space between you, grabs your hand, holds it so tightly your bones ache. Still, you wouldn’t want him to let go. “You’re allowed to be fucked up about this. I am too.”
When your eyes drift to him, they are glaring and heartsick and poisonous. “Where’s Aemond?” Why isn’t he here?
Aegon sighs deeply and picks up the phone with his free hand. He spins the rotary dial with his index finger and then holds the handset to his ear. He waits as it rings. “Pantages Theater, Tacoma, Washington,” he tells the operator. A minute or more crawls by. “I need to speak to Senator Targaryen immediately. Yes, I know there’s a convention underway there, that’s why I’m calling you. Go get him.” More minutes, eternal, terrible beyond description. “What do you mean you can’t find him?!” Aegon snaps. “Okay, give me someone else. Anyone travelling with him. Criston Cole, Fosco Viviani, Otto Hightower, Helaena Targaryen. Hurry up. Let’s go.”
Outside the rain grows heavy and loud; it falls in sheets against the misty windows. In the distance, thunder growls.
“Hi, Criston, it’s me. He needs to come home now. Right now.”
Aegon closes his eyes. Criston must be arguing with him.
“No, you don’t understand,” Aegon says, forcing the words to leave his lips and ride the wires to the West Coast, to where the sun sets, to where the future is dawning. He’s still holding your hand. “Aemond doesn’t have a son anymore.”
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yeyinde · 10 months
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WILLOW TREE MARCH
John Price x Reader | Fae!AU
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"They'll give you gifts," your gran says, shaking her head. "Things from their realm. Little trinkets and gems—" geodes, sapphires and diamonds, raw gold and coral; "—and you must never accept them," a whittled deer made of sequoia under your pillow; crow bones buried in the garden."Because if you do, if you do, they'll never let you go."  "Why?" You asked, blinking at her.  "Because it's a courting ritual, and to accept means… well," her mouth twists in wry disdain. "Just don't." 
—WARNINGS: 18+ | SMUT fae shenanigans, mythological nonsense; unsafe sex, smut in random places, slight exhibition kink if you squint; Dom-ish Price, soft Price, pining Price; fae trickery (dubious consent on account of the trickery but not really); unreliable narrator; ahhhhhh, body horror (??????????) —TAGS: Fluff, AU, mythology —WORD COUNT: 8,5k —Based on this ask
There's a thick forest at the edge of your town. It curves along the coastline, breaching the yawning maw of the inlet—the last safe haven before the open ocean—and can be found almost nowhere else in the entire world. A unique ecosystem comprising vaguely familiar flora and fauna. Brown and Black bears. Wolves. Sitka-black-tailed deer. Ravens. The waters that crest through the forest are full of salmon, steelhead, and river otters. On the coast of the inlet, you can find whales, sea lions, seals, orcas, and porpoises swimming offshore. 
It's protected, in large part, by its sheer vastitude. Spanning a massive chunk of your home, it stretches far north with curling fingers cutting through the granite of the crumbling coast, and as deep south as its knobby knees can reach. 
From above, it looks like a child curled on its side, knees tucked to its chest. It's this pose alone that makes others revere it as some sacred being, slumbering mindlessly until the day it cracks open its eyes, and awakens to the new world. A child god made of conifers, red cedar, spruce, fir, pine, birch, and hemlock. Mossy caves of granite and limestone. Thick colonies of moss, liverworts, plume moss, and common haircap. 
The forest is linked to your town only by a small strip of land that juts out from a raging ravine with currents too dangerous, too deadly, to try and traverse. An archipelago all on its own, untouched by greedy, human, hands because of its placement. 
It's insulated by the vast ocean on its front, and a series of insidious looking mountains ready to swallow wandering mountaineers whole if they get too close to the sleeping child. Protected and safe by anyone who might try to harm it. 
You used to dream about the forest. A nightmare dredged up about whispers and calls. Lured close to the edge of the river where a man would hand you his heart—sap-stained, and charred; a brittle piece of Bristlecone pine that felt fragile and worn—and told you to come back for him. To wait for him. 
You'd wake in a cold sweat each time, heart pounding so fast that it almost felt like you were dying.
(Maybe you were. Maybe you did.)
You don't know if you believe the stories told about people wandering into the gaping chasm of the forest and never coming out. It's not uncommon for people to get lost, after all. But it feels distinct and archaic. Old. Something about the way the wind howls sounds different from the other woodlands scattered around your home. 
It sounds like a beckoning call. A mother calling their child home for dinner. Come to me, the Chinook bellows. Come home now, dear. 
You never venture too close. You know all too well what happens to children who do.
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His name is—was now, you suppose—Kyle, but no one called him that. To everyone in town, he was simply known as Gaz. 
Newcomers to the isolated archipelago are a rarity—so much so that news of the new family's arrival sent waves through the community, making Gaz an instant star overnight, all without him even setting foot on the shores. 
None of that mattered, though. He fit in with an ease that seems almost preternatural when you think about it, as if he was meant to be there. And maybe he was. Maybe the soft rolling valleys were destined to be his home where flowers bloomed in the spring, and Arctic tern trilled from the branches. 
Gaz was unique, different. 
He picked dandelions with the same intensity that picked fights with the bullies in the neighbouring town, the ones who tried to pick on the smaller kids in the community. 
With his fists always covered in dandelion oil and bruises, face caught between a grimace and a grin, like he was never sure if he wanted to spit at their feet or tell a joke, he stood against the onslaught with an anger that seemed to crackle in the air like fireworks. Ready for battle. Thirsty for blood. 
His anger never waned even when he turned back to the group, eyes cresting in satisfaction, and body trembling with adrenaline, and you could scent the rage in his smile, hear it in the soft words he muttered to the kids, telling them everything would be alright. 
Gaz was everyone's friend. The person you told your deepest secrets to, the one you planned adventures with. He was a rock—always armed with snappy jokes to make you smile, and advice when you needed it. 
He was everyone's friend—yours especially—but you can't remember if anyone was his best friend. He was polite. Distant. 
It started in the summer. His hands were always cold, and he kept them shoved deep in his pockets, clenched tight around the latchkey his parents gave him. 
He started to seem almost liquid then. Temporal. You'd reach for him, brushing your hands against his arms or shoulders just to assure yourself that he was really there.
You noticed that his eyes would list sideways, head tilted, slanting toward the forest. It looked to you as if he was listening to something. To some unheard noise or call that only he could hear. 
When you asked about it, he'd always blink, surprised, as if you'd woken him up from a dream quite suddenly. Then, he'd smile, and shake his head. 
"Don't worry about it," he'd say, shrugging. "Just the wind."
He'd bend down and pick a dandelion for you, holding it out between pudgy fingers with a grin that seemed to mimic the cresting moon. 
"For you."
He picked them for three springs before he, too, became another victim of the endless forest. Another empty tomb in the overcrowded graveyard.
Missing, they said, but not forgotten. 
You think about him often. 
(Even more so when you, too, begin to hear your name echoing through the forest.)
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Beware the woods, your grandma says. Especially when it calls your name. 
(You never understood why something that sounds so comforting, so sweet, could ever be dangerous. It sounds like an old friend calling you over to play. 
"Never go," she snaps, her hands lashing out to grip your arms tight. You feel her knobby fingers digging into your bones. "Never listen, and stay away—"
"You're hurting me, gran—"
Her rheumy eyes burn into yours. "Stay away—!"
(You wisely never speak about the whispers in your head, keeping them to yourself. A secret just for you.)
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You leave town when you're old enough, when the hisses in your head grow too loud to ignore, and it feels as though they're scratching at your skull. 
(Clawing at the walls.)
"Crazy weather, eh?" The first mate mutters nervously, eyes tilted upward as the sky darkens into an angry grey. "Came outta nowhere." 
You leave, and you don't look back. 
(But oh, how the forest screams.)
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She calls you back several years later with a phone call. Your gran has passed. 
You think you should mourn, but it's been so long since you thought of home, that you don't remember what she looks like anymore. The sound of her voice is a whisper in your head—the cadence gone, the tone flat. 
But you don't cry, and you don't grieve—she's been dead for a long time now, after all. Ever since your mum went missing all those years ago, she's always seemed more of a ghost than a person. Living as if her body hadn't realised her heart was long dead. 
You go back only because you think your mum would have wanted you to. 
(And pretend it isn't because the silence in your head is suffocating. Without the whispers, it feels as if you're missing something. A part of yourself forever lost in the forest.
You wonder if anyone has found it by now.)
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Nothing has changed since you turned your back on the town that raised you, the forest that stole from you. 
It's the same buildings. The same market. The same roads. The same houses. 
The people, too, seem largely unchanged by the years that have passed. 
The friends from your childhood who stayed meet you at the graveyard, eyes filled with sympathy as they ask how you're doing. 
She'll be missed, they lie sweetly to you. Everyone loved her. 
She was a hermit, you want to scream. A woman driven mad by ghosts and fairytales and terror. 
You nod, instead, and let them lead you around the town on a grand tour as if anything about this beautiful, haunting place had changed since you ran away. 
It gets easier to force a smile when they ask if you're okay. 
"Fine," you murmur and wonder if your voice even carries over the whispers. "Just—yeah. Fine."
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North of the town is where the river separating the lonely forest carves a path, not at all dissimilar to an idyllic trough, through bedrock and sand, and flows into the sea. 
The estuary is dangerous in high tide when the rapid ascent of water on the sandy shores hides the rip current that is known to form when the two bodies of water meet. 
It's a dangerous place to get caught in. 
This beach was impressed upon you as deadly from a young age, almost in equal—if not greater—measure than the rapacious forest across the river. You know the dangers of standing on the slippery bedrock. 
But as the sun glows a burnt orange in the distance, and the endless ocean before you darkens into an almost unfathomable black, you can't help but find the view from the cliff's edge to be the most mesmerising thing you've ever seen. 
It looks like a painting. A brush stroke of tigers eye in the centre of the cresting sun that gradually fades out into xanthous, and rings of hazy peach; the light of diminishing star smears coruscating rings of persimmons into the indigo water. The gradual fade into gradients as the waves lap closer to the shore is reminiscent of liquid sapphire and smelting amethyst. 
The picturesque view is more befitting of a pastel postcard, an ethereal pastiche of the Ninth Wave—a moment of life imitating art, or—perhaps—the same view Ivan Aivazovsky stumbled upon when he set out to render the haunting beauty of the ocean in oil. 
The cresting waves arch into curled petals of white before setting upon the sloping beach with frenzy. It's the roar of those hungry waves that seem to, if only for a moment, drown out everything in your head. 
There are no whispers. No songs. No screams. Vengeful hissing can't climb to a higher decibel than the frothing waters slamming against jagged bedrock. 
All is quiet—except the sea. 
You lean into it. The closer you get to that precipice, the quieter everything in your head goes. Sounded sucked into the vacuum of the ocean. The endless song of the sea. 
Another step. Another. 
For a moment, you're free. 
The forest doesn't scream for you. Your grandmother doesn't dig her teeth into your gyri, hands clawing at the space behind your eyes. You don't think of her, or your mother, or Gaz, or anyone else unfortunate enough to get consumed by this damnable place where fairy tales split the seams apart, and merge with reality. 
It's peaceful. 
You take another step—
A hand curls over your shoulder, tugging you back. 
Anger pools, thick and acidic, on your tongue, but the flash of your ire, your vexation, is dashed by the sound the waves make when it slams into the spot you were just standing. 
It slashes across the concrete as the stranger pulls you into his broad chest, heat nearly liquifying your spine. 
He sucks in a breath. You feel his chest expand with it. When he breathes out, you taste gunpowder on your tongue. 
"Gotta be more careful n'that, love." 
You've had near-misses before. Flirted with the reaper. Ripped yourself from the jowls of death himself. 
This isn't anything new.
And yet—
Your eyes drag up, meeting flat black boring down at you. His hood is pulled over his forehead, casting shadows down to his jaw. 
"You—"
Your teeth sink into your tongue. Emotions lash through you like the flick of a bullwhip, shredding your skin until it's raw and oozing. The tail pulls away whenever you try to wrap your fingers around one of them—relief: you're not dead; embarrassment: how could you be so stupid; shame: saved by a stranger; and—
Visceral terror. Panic. 
It bludgeons its fist down your throat, barbed knuckles clawing at the soft tissue of your esophagus until you taste blood on your tongue. 
Panic tastes of ozone and leaks, thick and warm like molasse, down your throat. 
"Hey," he murmurs, and the sound of his voice, his low timbre, is porous, calcined. The rough scratch scours through the haze of fear threading through your sternum. "C'mon on, now. Gotta breathe, yeah?" 
It's his hands on your shoulder—hotter than grenade fire—and the thick scent of musk, of stale smoke and kerosene sweat, that break through the gossamer of your acrid panic. He spins you around to face him, eyes fixed on your face. 
"That's it," he says, soft, soothing. "Keep breathin'. You ain't dead yet." 
You come to yourself in pieces. The world bleeds with startling clarity around the blurred edges. Home, you think. Maybe.
Once upon a time. 
You blink. Blink again. 
The hand still on you—heavier, you find, than an anvil—lifts, his thumb brushing over the curve of your jaw, swiping over the sweat-stained skin.
You can't see his eyes through the shadows cast over his face. A stranger. You've never seen him before. 
They didn't say anyone new moved to town. 
"Who are you—?"
"You don't know?" 
And then his hand is gone, taking all the heat in your body with him. 
It lifts to his vest, thick fingers, gloved in yellow, curling over the butt of his cigar. 
You must make a face. A grimace. A whisper of bemusement. Whatever it is, it makes his lips twitch under the shorn burnt umber of his beard. 
"I'd share," he mutters, teething sinking into the hilt as he pats himself down for a lighter. "But I ain't got the time."
"Shouldn't be smoking in a provincial park, anyway." 
The words are dragged out of you. Numbed, gritty. 
It makes him snort. "Maybe—;" he cups his hand around the end, thumb striking the ignition of the lighter. He inhales, and the red circle at the tip illuminates the cerulean blue tucked away into the folds of his hood. The plume of smoke curls over him like a shroud. "But I doubt a cigar is gonna bring the whole forest down, mm? 'sides, we all have our vices, don't we?"
With that, he leaves you standing in the tendrils of smoke that billow out from his caustic mouth. No goodbye. No name. Nothing except the hum of his touch buzzing through your veins. 
Your head is numb. Thoughts congealing into hardened clay. 
Yeah, you think sluggishly, eyes dropping to the drenched pavement where the ocean narrowly missed you. Swallowed you whole. We do. 
(Yours is bad decisions that reek of napalm. 
Men who scour your hands raw when you touch their coarse surface.)
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You find him again in some desolate pub on the fringes of town a few days later. It looks like it's one strong gust of wind away from blowing down. Dilapidated. Rusted from the harsh salt of the ocean to the north. 
He lifts his head when you slide into the empty chair on the left, but says nothing about your unexpected company. 
Instead, his lips curl over the cigar sawed between his teeth. A grin, you think. 
You wonder if he was expecting you. 
(Wonder, then, with a touch of something warm gnarling in your belly, if you surprised him.)
The barkeep wanders past, brows lifting at you in question. 
"Um, a vodka soda—"
The man, Price you learned from the locals with a great of digging, snorts. 
"Ain't got none of that here, love. Two scotches. Neat." He leans over, thick fingers grasping the middle of the cigar, an inch away from the bristles on his upper lip, and pulls it away, ashing it in the tray in front of him. "And a bottle of spring water." 
"Scotch?" You echo, leaning your elbow on the sticky counter. He reeks of smoke. Sweat. Blood. Gunpowder. You veer closer, soaking in the astringent tang of him. Everyone on this island smells of daffodils and cotton; clean and neat and innocent. He reeks of danger. Everything inside of you screams to stay away. "I don't drink scotch."
The cigar burns in the tray. He pulls back, shifting in the chair. His elbow rests on the counter, the other arm is slung over the back of his seat. The picture of appeasement, of a satiated tiger eying a little mouse sniffing past it. There's no immediate danger, and his posture is relaxed. Open. But his eyes—
Price turns to you, then. His legs are spread, knees notched apart, taking up more space than you offer him. A looming presence. Dominating. Confident. He's not doing it on purpose, you don't think, he's just—
Big. 
His legs are too long. Thighs are too thick. 
Something gnarls behind your ribs when you take in his bare face. It's different, smaller, without the bulky black hood thrown low on his brow. His hands bare, leaving him in only casual clothes that stretch taut around his broad body. 
The beanie on his head, pulled low on his forehead, makes him look roguish, rough. The picturesque presentation of a bad boy down to the pelt-brown leather Levi jacket stretched taut around his broad shoulders. 
He looks older, somehow, without the tenebrous of night shading him in dark indigo. Aged like a fine whisky. All burnt umber and ivory. 
The charcoal colouring brightens the heavy blue of his eyes—crushed bluebonnets and powdered graphite; a black hole centre—and the frame of his brown lashes dusting over his clean cheeks makes something pool in your lower belly. 
(You wonder if he'd taste of whisky sour.)
"Well," he murmurs, brow lifting. It makes the skin on his forehead crinkle. He has laugh lines cresting around the corners of his eyes. They stand out to you, now. Void of the shadows you're used to. "You do when I'm paying."
The scotch, the cigar, the dingy pub that reeks of stale cigarettes and is perfumed in a dusting of nicotine that films every surface coalesces into incipient vice. 
His hand moves from where it's loosely curled around his glass, and rests, heavy and warm, on your thigh. 
When he leans in, you taste calcine on his breath. 
The acrid tang is a balm to the blisters in your raw esophagus. You meet him in the middle, smaller hands curling over the wool lapels of his jacket, tugging him into you. 
"Never thanked you for saving me," you murmur, his beard grazing your lips. A tickle. A brush. 
Price sucks in a deep breath, eyes liquifying into an intense azure. "No need to thank me, love. As much as I love the ocean, you don't belong there, do you? No," he adds, decisively. Sure. "You belong on land. The earth. You're wild, like the forest, aren't you?"
It's an out. An escape. An option to flee from the cosm that folds around you like a nebulous cloud. 
You could take it. Back up, away. Walk out of this dingy pub on the wrong side of town, and forget the man who reeks of nicotine, smoke; who leaves ashes behind on your skin when he touches you. 
The only one who stares at you from the unfathomable black of his eyes, lashes shrouded in tenebrous, and makes you falter. Makes your heart lurch, jumping to sit at the bottom of your throat.
You should pull away. Stay away from the man who leaks ethanol and nitroglycerine. From the man who smells of acrid smoke. Gunfire. 
You should. 
But your fingers tighten in the lapels of his jacket, pulling him closer. Closer. 
The bridge of his nose is warm when it presses against your own. 
His eyes spark, wildfires. A blazing forest. 
"You said something about vices." His chest rumbles in response to your hushed words. 
"So I did." 
Smoke singes your nose when you brush your lips over his. Warm. Chapped. Dry. You taste ash. Humus. The bitter tang of dandelion oil. 
"Got some time tonight?" 
"Thought you said I shouldn't be smoking."
"We're not in a park, near flammable trees," your hand falls to his chest. His heart thuds beneath your palm. Thick, full. Your eyes lift to his, lidded and heavy. You gaze at him from under your lashes, coy. Demure. You wonder if he can see how eager you are beneath the sly cut of your lids. "Are we, Price?"
The use of his name makes his lips quirk. A small, secretive thing that you can't read. 
"No, we're not." His hand slides down, curling over your knee. "Don't know what you're gettin' into, love." 
"Oh, no?" You taunt, breathless. Even through all your layers, you still feel his searing heat on your skin. His eyes drop when your tongue lashes out, wetting your lower lip. "And what's that?" 
A frisson shudders over his face. Lashes fluttering. He leans forward, resting the rim of his beanie on your forehead. 
When his eyes slide open, all you see is arsenic white pooled around Prussian blue. "More than you could ever dream of." 
Your trembling fingers curl into the lapels of his jacket. For leverage, maybe; or to hide the quiver in your joints from his widening eyes. 
And so, you kiss him. 
A messy punch to the mouth with your sun-blistered lips. 
His mouth parts, wry curls flutter when he inhales sharply. And then—
He devours you. 
It's messy. More sealed lips glueing together than it ever could be considered a proper kiss, but it feels more like a homecoming than stepping off the boat, and you tuck that inside your pounding chest. 
(The whispers in your head seem to sing when his lips touch yours.)
You taste bark on your tongue when it slips over his. Loam. Moss. Something earthy and rich. His beard scratches your chin, your lips, but you pull him closer, hungry for more—for the taste of wilderness on his tongue, for the respite from the whispers, the screams. Like the ocean, he, too, is a vacuum, swallowing everything whole until just you remain, stripped down to nothing but sensation and want. Bare, raw. 
Your teeth ache when you pull away, fingers curling into the coarse hair along his chin. The whips of his wry curls scratch your palm. 
You never want to let go. 
Price's eyes are noctilucent clouds; a storm over a rainforest. He'll ruin you. Devour. Destroy. Take, and take, and take until there is nothing left. 
Your lips tremble when you speak, words tremulous with your desire, your eagerness, when they slip past your bruised mouth. 
"I can think of a few that are better than smoking." 
Price shudders. 
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"Where did you go?" Your friend asks, eyes swinging from the cards spread out in front of him—the Idiot, Solitaire—to you. They burn into the side of your face, the same place Price touched with bare knuckles, and said you belong to the forest, don't you? "Missed dinner."
You ate Doro Wat in a small shop after Price fucked you stupid in the dingy bathroom of the pub, face scraping against the waterlogged wallpaper that chipped with each brutal thrust of his hips. 
Like that, hmm? Can barely take me, love, but you're so fuckin' greedy for it, ain't you? 
You're sure the barkeep heard your moans as they bounced off the jaundiced walls. 
(You still hear him hissing in your ear. Still feel him splitting you apart.)
You try not to shiver. 
"Ate already," you shrug, bundling your sleep clothes tight in your trembling hands. When you stand, his eyes follow you. "So. Um—"
"You okay?" 
"Yeah," you say, shifting on the balls of your feet. "I've—" You think of his eyes, gyre white, and wonder if this is what it feels like to get swallowed by the sea. "I've never been better."
"Good," he says, smiling. "I worry about you, you know?"
You nod. "Yeah," you say. "Me, too."
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You break apart in the shower, falling into pieces as you make yourself finish, thinking about nothing but the phantom stretch of his cock seated deep inside of you, the taste of his come pooling on your tongue.
It balms the residual burn in your esophagus, and you know, then, when you throb, still wanting his touch on your skin, that you've always been terrible at telling yourself no. 
It can't happen. It can't.  
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There's a strange magnetism about him—an uncanny sense of mystery and familiarity sutured together. 
It feels a little bit like staring at the looming maw, the event horizon, of a black hole. Unfathomable black. No way out. 
There's something that feels a bit like forewarning inside your chest when he brushes against you, and presses his lips on the skin behind your ear—a secret place only he knows, where only his fingerprints have ever been. You feel his touch even when he's gone. Haunted by the memory of his rough hands and rasping tenor. 
Running would make sense, you think, watching the ferries come and go. You have enough money for a ticket, and you've yet to even unpack your bag. 
You don't know who he is, but you've given him everything. All of it. There's nothing left inside of you to hand over, but he keeps looking at you as if he's waiting for more. 
"Waiting for a ride?" 
You glance back at the operator with a divot between your brow and cotton inside your ears. 
You want to say yes, but you shake your head instead. 
"No." I can't leave. "Just enjoying the view."
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You find birch branches stripped of leaves, juniper berries, maple leaves, spindles of dogwood, bushels of fir, and bouquets of bog rosemary, northern bluebell, fireweed, and wintergreen on your doorstep each morning, laid gently against the old welcome mat. 
You should toss them out, and throw them away. How does he know where you live, anyway? It would make the most sense; be the wisest decision. 
Instead, you tuck them inside your notebook, pressing them against the pages where they'll be safe. 
(You try not to think too much about why they never die.)
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It happens again. And again. Again—
It becomes a ritual for the few months you're back in town. The leaves, twigs, petals, pines, and seeds all show up at your door each morning and come nightfall, you're drawn to him like a moth to a flame. 
He finds the nastiest looking pub in the city, and you find him there after dark. 
He sits, smokes a cigar. Orders two scotches, and a bottle of spring water. Teaches you how to drink it properly—none of that sugary cocktail shite; just pure whisky, love, as it should be—and lets you puff on the damp end of his cigar, eyes gleaming in the soft yellow light above as he takes in the way your lips curl over the wet tip.
He stares at you like he's indulging you. 
Like he knows. 
And maybe, he does. 
Maybe he sees the way your jaw works, tongue lashing over the tip just to chase his taste. The heat in your cheeks, your eyes, as you gaze at him, open and raw and wanting. The way you list toward him. Eager for it. For him. His touch, his smell. 
He must, you think, but he's a right bastard. 
He doesn't give it until the end of the evening, when everyone has gone home. When it's just you and him and the barkeep that glowers at you something ugly when you stand on shaky legs, and whisper you're going to the washroom. 
Your fingers curl over the chipped porcelain, back arched as you stare at the face in the mirror. 
You can't remember if it's you. 
Whisky has polluted your synapses. The thick scent of smoke, the tobacco from the cigar, has congealed into resin over that little bundle of axons and nerves that control your impulse, logic. 
Stupid. 
You stare at the thing in the mirror, and wonder if the basal want on your face was so apparent to him as it is to you. If he saw the dark gleam of hunger, greed, impatience, swimming in your ink-smudged depths. 
The door rattles. Clicks. 
The squeak of the hinges is the only warning you get before Price is there, liquified in the doorway and clouded in smoke. 
His hand curls over the worn, peeling frame. Eyes dance with the same hunger, same want, as the ones that flicker across the surface of the mirror. 
"Couldn't wait for me, eh, love?" He breathes, his chest expands with his exhale. Scenting you, you think. You wonder if he can smell the slick pooling in your panties. The desperation brimming in your veins. "Wanted it that bad, huh?"
He moves. A mountain of a man now filling up the entirety of your gaze until all you see is him. 
You used to want to climb mountains. In training, they always warned of summit fever. Of that little part of your head that just wanted it to be over, to reach the very top of the precipice. Impatient, it couldn't wait. It made you spring up, and climb higher and higher before you were ready, prepared. 
You think of it now when your hands lift, curling over his broad shoulders. 
("Summit fever will get you killed," they say.)
"Just shut up and fuck me, Price." 
His eyes flash. "Greedy little thing, aren't you?"
You are. Painfully so. 
It etches in your ribs like a sickness, festering in your mouldering bones. Rotting you from the inside out. 
A crutch in the searing heat of skin, sweat, and sin. The feeling of him taking you apart, breaking you down into atoms and molecules that bubble in the lining of your head becomes so commonplace, so often forget who you are when you're pushed up against a wall, being filled to the brim by him.
He leaves madness behind when he goes, and the world that divides fantasy from reality begins to crack, to splinter. 
You hear his voice in your head late at night when the wind blows through the window, carrying the scent of the forest.
"Come home," he rasps in your ear. 
The scratch of his beard seems to scrape against the little thread keeping you tied down to reality. It's frayed and worn by his hands. You wonder when he'll sink his teeth in the silk, and snap the line. Untethering you from your binds.
Come home to me. Come back to where you belong—
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Price takes you out to dinner three months after this—whatever it is—starts. After your house becomes more of a garden, writ with the wild remnants of the forest, after each passing day. Full of bushes, and branches. Twigs and precious gems. He gives you raw gold, and open geodes full of amethyst, and sapphire. Canopy leaves, and bark from the trees. 
He leaves a whittled deer made from the red wood of a giant sequoia, and the likeness of the little fawn makes you believe that one day, it'll come to life in your living room.
(You leave a dish of water near the doorway—just in case—and wonder if you're becoming just as mad as your gran.)
He shows up at your doorstep, the bleached antlers of a great pronghorn in his hands. It's decorated with vines and moss weaved over the ivory in intricate braids and knots that you can't even begin to unravel. You marvel at the gift as he tells you he's taking you out for dinner. 
There is no discussion. He doesn't ask, he just—
Does. 
"Found a spot," he says, arms crossed over his broad chest. The cable-knit sweater pulls, stretched taut over his bulk. "Think you'd like it."
You don't know what to say. The antlers feel heavier in your hands, and warm to the touch. You try not to shiver when you set it down beside the little fawn.
"Oh," you say, but know you've never turned him down yet. It's all—
So much. 
Your home is slowly becoming one with nature, with vines growing on the walls in great blooms of wisteria and lilac; the old floor boards under your feet shudder and creak as little saplings sprout through the cracks. You wake up at night and taste earth in your throat, feel the grass beneath your fingers. The breeze in your hair. The call of an arctic tern. 
You dream of running through the forest. Of being chased. You breathe and feel the little seeds inside of your lungs start to take root. Soon you'll bloom with dandelions.
"Okay," you say, and wonder if the madness rummaging around your head will turn into a beautiful sequoia in the end. "Let's go."
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The tavern is busy on a weeknight, crowded with a swell of mainlanders who'd ventured out for a camping trip over the long weekend. 
You sit with your back straight, and listen to him talk about a hike he wants to take with you in the morning. Through the woods, he says, and you don't ask which one. You know. You know. 
(It's time. It's time.)
There are alarm bells ringing in your head, but they're drowned out by the crooning whispers. 
But the line is only frayed and worn, and despite the lure in his voice, the itch in your head to say yes, you hesitate. Falter. 
The woods are dangerous. 
You don't want to go. 
He seems to sense it. His brows knot together. 
"You want to, don't you?" 
You fiddle with your napkin and try not to meet his arsenic stare. "It's… dangerous."
"I'll keep you safe."
"It's probably time for me to leave, anyway." 
The air in the room turns frigid all at once. You think you can see white plumes of condensation when you shakily breathe out, teeth chattering. 
"Price—"
"Didn't wanna do this, love," he says, voice hushed. Barely a whisper. His eyes are lavascapes. "But you ain't givin' me much of a choice, are you?"
"What—?"
The words die on your tongue when movement flashes in the corner of your eye. A man weaves, liquid, through the mindless crowd, cutting a path like the parting red sea. 
His eyes are honeycombs. In his hand, he holds a limp dandelion. 
It takes you a moment to make out the strange man who looms in the background. A splash of colour among sfumato. 
It's Gaz.
The childish swell of his cheeks has sunken into angled, sharp bone. Slender fingers twirl the flower around, around, around—
It's hypnotic. You stare, horrified and awed—a strange amalgam of emotions that slip down your spine: worry, elation, panic, comfort—as his pink lips part into an easy, familiar grin. The cresting sun breaching the horizon. Eyes slanting in playful derision. 
He looks like he's torn between telling a joke and spitting vitriol. Making you laugh, and then making you cry. 
It buzzes in the air, electrified fingers dancing down your spine, and then just as quickly as the boy who disappeared reemerges into the land of the living, into this bastardised reality, he gives one last sharp, fanged grin, a mordant wink, and then he's gone.
He slips through the door, and without hesitating, you give chase. 
Price says nothing when you go. Or maybe he does, but you can't hear anything except the rustling of leaves in your head. 
Gaz, it whispers. Gaz, Gaz, Gaz.
(It's time for the lost little boy to come home.)
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The rocks sit in a zigzag pattern through the frothing waters, a deceptive bridge that connects the valley to the coast. You feel the tremulous rattle of the water slicing against the hollow cavern beneath your feet. A ledge chiselled from the blunt erosion of the rapid currents below. One day, they say, the granite shelf will give and a massive hole filled with howling water will fill it. 
Try not to be the idiot standing on the ledge. 
You feel the power of the currents even on the peat-covered edge. 
The water in front of you is deceptive. A calm, rolling surface at the shoreline almost seems to beckon you inside. Come take a dip in the cool waters. Grow fins and gills and chase the river otters through the currents. Feast on the wily salmon, and see if your feet can touch the sandy streambed. 
But the river's fatality is nearly assured. No one has survived a dip in these waters that act as a serrated knife, carving chasms and channels through the granite below. The currents will rip into you, pulling you until your body is crushed against the wall, or into an unsearchable cave. 
One slip, you think. Just one. 
But—
The man in the bar flickers through your mind. His honeycomb eyes, fanged grin. Ethereal in his beauty like a painting of a god in oil and raw canvas. Carved likeness of a Stygian prince. 
It was Kyle. It was Gaz. You know it. Know it deep within your bones, your marrow.
Taking the first step to the jutting slate that peaks just a few precious inches from the raging waters is easier, then, when you think of the boy who plucked a dandelion from the earth, and tucked it behind your ear. It makes the risk less daunting when it's for him. 
For his parents who sunk into themselves, into the crater his absence left behind. A deep depression into the earth that swallowed them whole.
They moved last year after laying down a bouquet of flowers at the mouth of the forest. 
You toe your shoes off, leaving them at the embankment, and then you leap. The perch is slick with waterlogged moss, slimy. It wobbles under you, but you catch yourself, stabilising. Steady. You huff. One down, four more to go. 
Up close, they look so far apart. A chasm between each rock. An endless abyss that will rip you into pieces. 
Still. Still. You have to find him. Have to. 
You step, toes sliding in the algae. The rock beneath is stained green. It wobbles again when you bring your other foot down on top of it. The loud clack of rock scraping against rock is heard, unmuffled by the roaring water that tugs on the stone. You feel the push against your feet. 
Two more. Two more. 
You take another step, and then—
You fall—
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The world drips into focus, a steady trickle of cognisance that paints the world in shades of greens and browns. An eagle soars above the canopy, their shadow swooping through the thick tangle of conifers reaching to the heavens.
The bed of moss beneath you is damp—lush with dew and softer than your mattress at home. You sink into the ground when you breathe, caught in an embrace. The vines curl over your wrists, your ankles, as if refusing to let go. 
It should scare you—and maybe it does—but there's something against your head, fingers digging into your temples, and you feel nothing except a warm serenity leaking in. Thought spool into liquid gold, threads that weave together in a knotted clump. Indistinguishable from each other, and unreachable when they slip deeper into the honeyed-thick fog that curls around your mind. A temper from logic, from fear. Anything that isn't pure, artificial comfort is filtered through and cast aside. 
You don't know why you're here. 
One moment, you felt the coils of the raging currents sinking its claws into your flesh, pulling you under the deep waters, and then—
Heat on your face. The sun's desperate attempt to filter through the corded canopy and touch the forest floor. The shrill call of an eagle on the prowl. The tender caress of the moss below cushions your body. 
You should be underwater. Pressed tight against the side of the rocks until you were swept downstream and spat out in the inlet, waterlogged and dead. 
You draw humid air into your lungs until it swells against your ribcage. The steady thud of your heart tells you that somehow, somehow, you're alive. An empty brag—thud, thud; thud, thud—that seems to call out to the birds in the emergent layer, the ones nestled in their branches as they watch your feeble attempt to reconcile how you survived. 
It's strange, you think, but the soporific warmth coursing through your veins does not let you panic. 
You are—
"Foolish." 
The warmth turns molten. You try to sit up, but the vines tighten around your limbs. If you weren't so vulnerable, you think it would almost feel like a hug. 
The soft crunch of the moss tells you the voice—the man—is moving forward, toward you. You want to scream, but your tongue is thick, and your mouth is numb. 
"What you did there was stupid," he says, and the forest around you seems to come alive in his anger. Pulsing. The branches sway and the leaves rattle without any wind. The trees bend down, coming inward. You hear the scream of a fox in the distance. The chuff of an agitated brown bear. 
Primordial signs tell you to run.
But you're trapped. 
Price steps closer, falling to his knees beside you. You can see him now, and suddenly you wish you'd been swallowed by the waves. 
His face is writ with anger, brows tightening together in displeasure. 
He seems imbued with the forest. One with the lush green that swells around you. Burnt umber and icy blue. Ethereal, unnatural. Something in your hindbrain tells you to run from that man that looks as if he could swallow you whole.
"Tryin' t'die on me, hmm?" 
His hand lifts, and you feel his warm knuckles graze your temple. Soft, gentle, despite the ire in his eyes, and the irritation clenched in his jaw. 
"Gonna hav'ta try harder than that, love." 
You weren't trying very hard at all, you think, dazed, dizzy. You weren't trying at all. 
"You're mine," his eyes flash, and you feel the press of gravity against your skin, pulling you down to the soft earth. Your fingers twitch. The fog inside your head clears. 
Blinking up at him, you catch the scattering supernovae echoing in the corners of his eyes; galaxies of pine and cedar, humus and tussock. They bloom from the black hole in the centre, surrounded by sapphire blue. He's not human, you think, but it doesn't surprise you because you already knew. Have known, really—ever since you asked around for his name and watched the same strange fog seep into their eyes as they struggled to remember a man they claimed to know. 
Ever since you found bushels of figs on your doorstep. 
A crown of pine needles and crow feathers. 
Price leans over you, brows knotted together like the gnarled, weaving trunk of a Great Basin Bristlecone Pine. 
There's a forest fire in his eyes. "You're mine, aren't you?" 
You think about the trinkets left on your doorstep. The whispers, the screams. 
"Did you ever give me a choice?" 
The tension in his brow snaps taut. Agony frissons through the spaced canyons; whet from ire and slick from sorrow. He bends down, and shakes his head. 
"I've always given you a choice," his words are smouldering logs, crackling with his pain. "I've always told you to go, but you couldn't stay away, could you?"
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Price takes you on the mossy forest floor, fingers digging into the peat as you sink, down, down, down—
His hand under your head, cradling the back of your skull, keeps you from getting swallowed by the grass knoll that breathes and trill against your spine. 
Fire licks in the crevasses of his eyes, molten desperation you can't ignore. He rages above you, quivering in the fading glow of the sunset struggling to slip through the canopy. No longer a man but a myth. He hangs over you with his canines bared, and flashes of anger and sorrow scorch the path his teeth leave behind on your skin. 
You're becoming unmoored. Each touch, and brush; each sweep of his tongue soothing the indents of his razor-sharp teeth all seem to loosen the ties that thread through your soul, anchoring you to the world that stands in full bloom before you. 
The forest shudders with his frantic pace; each piston of his hips leaks his fervent anguish and makes the trees croon, and creak as they bow their foliage in sorrow. His pain lashes through their roots, and rent the air in two. A fox mourns his loss in the distance. A wolf yowls in agony. His brethren lifting their muzzle to the sleepy moon, and howling out the melody of their despair. 
It's too much, too much, and you fall into pieces in his hands, shivering beneath him as the woods around you tremble and quake. It's a mesmerising dance. 
He finishes with a grunt that makes the world shudder anew, spending himself as deep inside of you as he can, as if he could overwrite your empty spaces with himself. Fill you to the brim until you are bursting with him, with life. Tulips for your eyes. Furze for veins. Moss for hair. Peat soil for blood. 
When he speaks, the world falls silent. 
"You don't know it yet, but you will. You've always been mine. Always belonged to the forest, to the earth. To me."
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Despite his words, he lets you go. 
And you run, run, run—
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Your toes dig into the wet soil near the stream. The desperate catapult across the ravine halted at the very last moment, leaving you winded and shaking. Hands clenched into tight balls by your side. Quivering with fear, with the adrenaline rush still roaring in your veins. 
You don't know what you're doing. 
The whispers in your head go silent. 
The absence of sound makes you mourn, and you think about his agony. The pain when he took you, the resignation when he let you go. 
You think of him, and you know. 
I've always told you to go, but you couldn't stay away, could you?
You scent napalm in the air, cloying despite the acrid burn that scalds your lungs when you breathe in deep, holding it there. 
You think of the chest inside your closet. The pieces of yourself you left behind. The way he fits you like a puzzle, like he was made for you. Designed with your rough edges in mind. Softening your hard lines; scouring your gritty surface it was smooth and shiny like fire Opal and precious gems. 
Ever since you felt his hand on your shoulder, you haven't been able to let go. 
(You don't even think you ever really tried.)
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Come to me, the forest says, honey in your ears. It sounds like the rapid beat of a million birds' wings, ready to take flight. Pulsing and alive and full of wonder, childish glee. 
The earth blooms in your chest. You feel the soft, tender caress of the leaves against your skin, the moss sinking between your toes. Clinging to your flesh, desperate to get inside, and take refuge in your heart. Come home to us.
Your grandmother warned you to stay out of the forest, that it was dangerous. Deadly. Wrong. But how can it ever harm you when it touches you so sweetly? 
The branches curl around your ankles as you walk, leading you, guiding you, to the place where you belong. The forest opens around you, spreads apart and makes room for you to pass, touching you as you go, taking little pieces of you. Strands of your hair, the salt from your tears. Pieces of clothes. Parts of your soul. 
You pluck your heart out of your chest, and leave it beneath a gnarled sequoia. She will protect it forever. 
Moss grows inside of the empty space. A tern makes a nest inside of it, filling it with a bed of pine needles, and twigs from the junipers. You feel a mouse make a home in your rib cage, burrowing between your bones. You place your hand over your side, and feel her nuzzle against your palm. 
"You're safe now," you say. "We're almost home."
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It's Gaz who greets you with a crown made of sugi. When he cups your face, you feel raging rivers and streams in his palms, and now that you are home. 
"Missed you, dandelion," he breathes, and his voice turns into a Chinook that crests over the mountains. "But there's someone who wants to see you."
His hands slide down to your wrists, and you feel the sun grazing your skin when he spins you around, around, around—
"Now," he leans down, pressing his lips to the shell of your ear. You hear the Falcons nesting in his chest, and smell pine in his breath. "He's been an impatient bastard, you know? Just moping about ever since you left—"
A scoff. You lift your head and feel the swell of the earth beneath your feet. Dizzying. Wanting. 
He waits for you in the thicket, eyes made of sapphire and stone. When he breathes, the forest swells with his breath, and you taste loam when you swallow. 
"A sorry sap, thinkin' you were runnin' away, and all. But you won't, will you?" Gaz pushes you forward, and his laughter rings in your ears. "Not anymore."
Price meets you in the middle, his eyes sparkling embers. A baptism in fire. You feel the heat on your skin, and shiver. 
You used to be afraid of forest fires, but you know, now, that sometimes trees need to burn before they can truly grow. 
Lodgepole roots bud under his skin, rippling veins across a ravine. He rests his hand against your cheek, thumb brushing the dawn redwood needles that bloom under your skin. 
"Welcome home."
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"They'll give you gifts," your gran says, shaking her head. "Things from their realm. Little trinkets and gems—" geodes, sapphires and diamonds, raw gold and coral; "—and you must never accept them," a whittled deer made of sequoia under your pillow; crow bones buried in the garden."Because if you do, if you do, they'll never let you go." 
"Why?" You asked, blinking at her. 
"Because it's a courting ritual, and to accept means… well," her mouth twists in wry disdain. "Just don't." 
You don't tell her that you already have. You don't mention the sticks and precious stones that always ended up on your windowsill. The whispers of the forest calling your name. 
You nod sagely instead, fingers tightening around the sap stained heart chiselled from Bristlecone Pine. The charred ends are warm in your palm. You feel it pulse. 
Will you accept this? My heart? Will you keep it safe for me? 
"I will."
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This was meant to be light and fluffy and smutty but now it's. This. And um. Oops. I hope you enjoyed it!
JOHN PRICE MASTERLIST | NAVIGATION PART THREE OF COD X MYTHOLOGY ⁞ SOAP ● DRAGON PRICE
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rabbitcruiser · 28 days
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Schwatka Lake, Whitehorse
Schwatka Lake is a reservoir created by the damming of the Yukon River in Whitehorse, Yukon, completed in 1958. The dam provides electrical power generation and is operated by the Yukon Energy Corporation. The White Horse Rapids, which gave the city its name, are now under the lake. The lake was named after Frederick Schwatka, a US Army Lieutenant who was first to explore the total length of the Yukon River.
A fish ladder has been constructed around the hydroelectric dam to allow the passage of Chinook salmon to their spawning grounds upstream of Whitehorse. The Chinook salmon that pass the dam have the longest freshwater migration route of any salmon, over 3,000 kilometres to the mouth of the Yukon River in the Bering Sea.
Whitehorse Water Aerodrome, a float plane base, is located on the lake. The lake has been the city's water supply for some years, but the city is now converting to relying entirely on aquifers, partly due to the threat of pollution from fuel spills and other activities by people in the watershed of the lake. Previously, there had been talk of moving the float plane base or the water supply to Fish Lake, which is impractically located to the west over a winding, steep road.
Source: Wikipedia
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formlines · 5 months
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Chinook Winds
Dennis Allen
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dailymothanon · 10 months
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Random things that I know
I’m currently on a road trip, so I didn’t have much time on my hands to draw much but I do have a small wip and old sketch I did! Along with just talking about random ideas and things that I know. Which. I mostly did a bunch of research on Delta Junction, Alaska as you will be able to tell soon
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I passed by Delta Junction, and I remembered that they are the city with the most Ukrainian born people in percentage, it’s even higher in ancestry as well! This is because DJ has very similar terrain and climates to Ukraine (I think??) along with the fact there are already many Ukrainians there, there is not much of a language barrier for them! That’s neat :> So I wanted to make DJ as Ukrainian, and this is just one design concept I came up with today too quickly, it is likely to change as I learn more (I don’t have a definitive answer of what gender I’m thinking them to be yet)
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also I think DJ would make BANGER cream rolls. Because I know this lady that lives there that comes to my city every summer and sells cream rolls; she’s done this ever since I was little
Alaska is the windiest state, with a windspeed average of 30 mph; in Juneau they have winds called Taku winds, and in DJ they have winds called Chinook winds
DJ was also known as the “Windy City” and “Little Chicago” by soldiers stationed there, as DJ is big on the military presence stuff
DJ is a very quant and neat place I won’t lie. They have buffalos there sent from Montana!! They now roam a lot around the Delta area, most are within the Delta Bison Sanctuary; I like to imagine DJ tells Alaska to tell Montana the bison are prospering
Colorado has a coin collection due to being the worlds top producer of coins (I think that’s cool)
Cali didn’t know what mosquito repellent was or was a thing until he overheard Maine and Alaska talking about them and asked about it, the other two were horrified he didn’t know (this is a tease cuz my girlfriend didn’t know it was a thing until I asked if she had any once)
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This is an old sketch of a character my girlfriend made! She based them off Mexican culture, specifically this is based on California’s Lone Star flag from way back when
I think DJ loves the idea of having a family, but the opportunity has simply never been given 😞
Talkeetna was considered abandoned in 1910, before getting revived in aboit 1920 thanks to gold rushes, I think she is a little afraid of being abandoned again tho, but she knows Mayor Denali would never do her dirty like that
Hawai’i and Alaska both have the best air quality out of the states, they’re seriously breathing that great non lower 48 stuff. They are prospering. Manifesting.
Louisiana is actually one of the most, if not the most (it changes per article but they remain one of the top 3 always) stressed states, along with Mississippi and New Mexico
uhhhmm this is all I can think of currently. I hope y’all can wait for me to get back home to post regularly again 👻 that would be cool.
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cyberhai · 1 year
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Sleepy motherfucker
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renlyslittlerose · 4 months
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So my estranged grandfather passed away in the wee morning hours today. Seventeen years and one day since my Canadian grandfather died - which is very odd.
He wasn't what I would say was a good grandfather, nor a good father. He wasn't even a very good man. I started distancing myself from him around 2016, and was fully out of his life by 2018. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, enjoyed toying with people and their emotions, used people for his own personal gain, gaslit like it was his fucking job, and was generally neglectful to his duties as a father and a grandfather - especially to my sister and I. I can count on one hand the times he actually remembered my birthday when I was a kid, but even those moments were probably prompted by my mum or his girlfriend or his ex-wife.
But he had his moments, and I think I should say a few words about him and who he was.
He was born in a town in Hungary in 1935, near Lake Balaton. He was the youngest of the children, his brothers old enough to serve during WWII. During the war he talked about how he and his friends would go out to the abandoned battlefields and collect ammunition from the German and Soviet tanks, pile them in cow pastures, and set them off to scare the cows and other livestock. He said once school resumed after the war, a lot of kids came into class with missing fingers or even missing hands. He was lucky in that the only injury he received during his dumbass-ery was slicing his ass open on a destroyed German tank.
After the war he remained in the area, growing up with minimal education and helping run the household (his eldest brother had committed suicide shortly after the war was over). But in 1956, Hungary had their failed revolution in a desperate attempt to kick out the Soviet occupation. My grandfather wasn't part of the fighting, but he had enough sense to listen to one of the elders in the village who said that if they wanted to get the fuck out of Hungary and past the Iron Curtain, now was their time to run.
So he fled to Austria with some of his friends. They stayed in a refugee camp where he tried to learn basic English, before Canada accepted Hungarian refugees in 1958. So, along with some friends he'd made in the camp, he got on a boat and had a miserable trip across the Atlantic to the harbour of Halifax (he said that he could barely eat the entire trip because he was so sea sick). From there, he was put on a train that went across Canada, and he could get off on at any stop and just... start a new life.
It was, of course, the dead of winter when he and his friends arrived. Canada during the winter isn't pleasant - doubly so when you've come from the relatively mild Hungarian countryside. But one of his friends had family in Vancouver, and so he suggested they stay on the train all the way to the West Coast. Satisfied with this idea, my Papa agreed.
Only he made it as far as my home city in Alberta. You see, my city has this funky weather phenomena called a 'chinook.' Chinooks are when warm winds from the Pacific flow into the area and rush down the mountains and across the prairies, causing an inversion of air that rapidly warms up the city for a few days. We can go from -20C degree temperatures one day, to +15C the next. So when my Papa arrived in my city it was warm. Deceptively so. Ignoring his friend's suggestion they just continue on to Vancouver, my Papa decided to get off and start his new life.
The next day the train rolled out, and with it the freezing cold temperatures returned.
Despite it all he remained where he was. Life as a Hungarian refugee was tough. He knew very little English, and wasn't sure how to navigate life in a city that had developed past his home town in Hungary. He told me a story about trying to figure out how an automatic door worked, as well as trying to ask a store clerk where the bars of soap were, only to be taken to the canned soup aisle.
But as he learned English and adapted to Canada, he decided to sign up for architectural classes. He eventually got good enough at the gig that he became an expert in concrete as a building material, and helped to build one of the more iconic buildings in my city that is shaped like a saddle (which, if you know, you know).
In 1961, he and some fellow Hungarians decided to go to a dance at the local German-Canadian club where he met my German grandmother. She'd just moved to Canada, and had made the unfortunate decision to dance with the handsome Hungarian lad in the corner. Few months later she realized she was pregnant with my mum, and they got married before she gave birth.
Their marriage wasn't a happy one. But regardless, my Grandma had two more children with him before filing for divorce.
Growing up my Papa was always this strange, nebulous figure in my life. My sister and I were the eldest of the grandchildren, so we had to deal with his fumbled attempts at trying to be a grandfather when it was clear he didn't care. My mum would take us over to his house where they would argue the whole time, while my sister and I sat in the basement watching Jesus Christ Superstar on repeat. Gifts for birthdays usually came in the form of money, but I can remember the few times he actually bought me something. One time, he took me to the circus which ended up terrifing me because of the loud noises and bright lights. But instead of yelling at me or mocking me, he took me out of the show and bought me a teddy bear to sooth me. It was light brown with a white belly, with a yellow ribbon as a tie. I cherished that thing for a long time.
When I was old enough to carry a conversation, and he realized that I had an interest in ancient history like he did, we started chatting more. For a time it was fine. But then I realized that he liked to poke and prod and jab - liked to make people uncomfortable because it made him laugh. I would say something about my studies, and he would retort with something completely bigoted just to see me get flustered. I'll admit that I put up with it longer than I should have. The final straw was when I told him what my Masters studies would be on - how ancient Greek ideals on masculinity and male same-sex relations influenced the early German Gay Rights movement. His response was 'Good - show the world how your grandmother's people are a bunch of homos.'
He didn't believe what he was saying. He wasn't homophobic - unless he knew he could make it hurt. Which is almost worse, in a way.
After that I distanced myself. I didn't go to any family events he would be present at, and if I was forced to go I wouldn't speak with him. The last time I saw him was a few years ago when he was giving out cheques from his estate, under the assumption that he only had a few years left. I was surprised that I was even included, but then I realized that once again it was someone else in his life that had made sure I was looked after. This time it was my aunt.
I think the last thing I said to him was 'take care' or something along those lines. An impersonal greeting, one made out of social obligation more than anything.
I'm not sad about his passing, but I do worry about those who are left behind. My mother claims she doesn't care, but I know she still has lingering feelings - how could she not, he was her father, after all. My aunts are grieving terribly for a person that I never got to meet. Not really. My cousins who had a better relationship with him for the most part, are probably feeling the loss. And my sister, bless her, is worried for everyone else. His death will leave a crater in the family - one last 'fuck you' to his children, whom he loved to see fight over his affections and attention.
He had a lot of bad qualities, but some good as well. He was determined, he was curious, and he loved to learn. He was brave in the sense of leaving everything he knew behind just for a shot at something better. He had a good sense of humour (when he wasn't being a jerk), and I think deep down he did love his family. Just maybe not as much as he loved himself.
Nyugodjék békében Sandor 💕
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virtie333 · 1 year
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We shall see him as he is. (1 Jn 3:2)
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mel-smeld · 6 months
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Video of coho salmon holding in a pool. Saw this on my survey the other day, it's always so exciting to get to watch the salmon so close! If you live in the PNW try to get out and see them spawning! The Chinook are winding down but coho are in (and hopefully we get some more big rains so they keep moving upstream as the smaller streams get bigger flows) and chum are next. It's a pink salmon year as well!
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