#chimsau

[reticentfem]

I don’t want a love that’s hard. I just want a love that is tender and delicate in just the way we hold each others heart.

#chimsau #sad girl hour #thoughts #love #sadgirl #love poems #heartbreak #self healing #disappointment #heartbroken #heartache #latenightthoughts #long distant relationship #relationships #long distant romance #early morning #vents #missing you

[reticentfem]

Resistance.

I wish it was easier. But I keep replaying that last fight over and over in my head like it’s a broken record. And I ask myself how can someone who loves me utter such foul expressions. So I break down. Drench myself in own salty pond of pity and sorrow as I watch the man who I thought was my future husband parade his way out my life for good. I sit in the corner of my bedroom embracing myself in the black of the suite we used to share wishing I knew how it got here. And I tell myself, there’s so much left unsaid.

But then you come back… and I’ve already gone numb. Because let’s be honest, they always come back. It’s like watching a movie or romcom and already the ending but you enjoy it so much you put yourself through the laughs and heartache anyway. And here you are in front of me, the anger has left your aura as you scooch closer to cradle me. The warm caress of your hands on my arm no longer felt like a safety net. It felt like shards of glass ripping open my skin revealing my vulnerability for you to toy with.

To be continued…

#chimsau #sad girl hour #thoughts #love #sadgirl #love poems #heartbreak #self healing #heartbroken #latenightthoughts #disappointment #heartache #long distant relationship #relationships #vents #missing you

[reticentfem]

The last time I was here…

My wrist was aching. The last time I was here, I didn’t want to see tomorrow. The last time I was here, I hated myself and everything about my life.

This time I’m here but I hate myself more than anything. I hate the way I keep allowing myself to be so vulnerable. I hate that I keep letting the toxicity poison me into thinking this is all I’m worth. But it sounds so good to sleep. And it feels so good to lose the feelings and just be numb. That sounds so beautiful. And the peacefulness it would bring to everyone around me when they don’t have to deal with me… my emotions, my impulses, my needs and wants. They’ll be released of all my issues.

But this time I’m here and I just wish I could take it all away once and for all.

#chimsau #sad girl hour #thoughts #love #sadgirl #love poems #heartbreak #self healing #heartbroken #latenightthoughts #disappointment #heartache

[reticentfem]

No reply’s-

Honestly there’s so much I wanna say. So much I want to explain but then I think about all those times you left me on the floor aching because your ego meant more than caring for the “love of your life” and I stop. I gave everything I had. You sucked me dry in more ways I can describe. And here you are again trying to tell me that I didn’t give it a chance. Didn’t give you a chance to be a better man. But you don’t see what you’ve done to me. I was the most vulnerable version of me that I’ve ever been. I felt naked and exposed and you took advantage of that and you nitpicked and you belittled and you degraded until I became numb. You disguised your mediocre efforts by doing the bare minimum and throwing it in my face… while I was trying to build a life with a man who didn’t even know his future had me in it. You manipulated every situation into me trying to control our lives but no one even knew we were building one together if it’s up to you. I kept telling myself our love is enough to get through any obstacles but every time it got hard, you bailed. So at some point, the disappointment just never left and that’s all I had left of the man I loved.

He was no longer the man of kindness and potential. He no longer loved me for my soul or who I was. He was no longer the man I thought I’d spend my life with.

So every time you reach out… I know it’s just cause you’re lonely. And you don’t mean anything you say. Because the man that promised to love me would’ve showed me and not wait til it’s completely too late.

#chimsau #sad girl hour #thoughts #love #sadgirl #love poems #heartbreak #self healing #disappointment #heartbroken #heartache #latenightthoughts #relationships #long distant romance #missing you

[reticentfem]

Somedays it feels like I’m the sunflower that never gets any sun. Just constantly being rained on. And although my roots are growing, it doesn’t feel very good.

#chimsau #sad girl hour #thoughts #love #sadgirl #love poems #heartbreak #self healing #disappointment #heartache

[reticentfem]

Today is one of those days where I just want to cry in the dark and hopes everyone forgets about me…

I wish I didn’t feel this way… I wish I wasn’t so sad… but I am.

#chimsau #sad girl hour #thoughts #sadgirl #heartbreak #self healing #heartbroken #latenightthoughts #disappointment #vents #asian

[reticentfem]

Some days I wish I can explain mental health. Not just any mental health but mine. My solidarity has been something I’ve learned to adore. It sounds lonely to a lot of people but for me, silence is beautiful. The ability to hear my own thoughts. To stare at my own reflection and not have to consider anyone but the person staring back at me.

But they won’t let me… they’ll look at me with disgust and claim that I’m selfish and inconsiderate. They won’t hear my cries for help, they see only a crutch for them to use; to climb. Cause in their eyes, they’ll never see a girl in need of help…

- someone that’s drowning.

#chimsau #sad girl hour #love #thoughts #sadgirl #love poems #heartbreak #self healing #latenightthoughts #disappointment #heartache #vents #asian

[reticentfem]

It was so much easier when my heart was ice cold. Feeling it melt away kinda saddens me more than I imagine.

#chimsau #sad girl hour #thoughts #love #sadgirl #love poems #heartbreak #self healing #disappointment #heartache

[reticentfem]

October 4th, 2021.

Dear My Sweet Love,

Tonight I'm missing you in ways I didn't know I could. I stay up at night pondering what lesson the universe is trying to show me. Why did they give me someone who makes my soul feel so connected but my heart feels so alone? I know asking why is not fair because I should just be grateful. Grateful for the long conversations we had. Grateful for the kisses we shared. Grateful for experiencing you. But sometimes it hurts... it hurts not to hold you or be held on the days I'm barely making it through. It hurts to want to just hold your face and feel your warmth and can't. It hurts to miss someone so much and not be able to do a thing about it.

I know we must've of been past lovers because the way you know me when I barely know myself gives me the most security I've ever felt. The way you shield me from my self sabotaging ways gives me so much hope. You see me full transparency without judgement and it's the most reassuring prize I've ever won. I like the person I am with you. The person who appreciates everything and nothing all at once. You ignite this fire inside of me that I didn't know exist. We share unspoken thoughts even from miles away. Your words wrap me tenderly when I'm crumbling inside. Your smile radiates the affirmation that even from there, you're here. Thank you for arriving when you did because this new chapter with you is one I don't want to squander.

I can't wait to be able to clench your strapping hands while your arms bundle me in. The aroma of your cologne making me disintegrate into you as your lips greets mine with fondness. I'm excited to see the twinkle in your eyes while you share your childhood tales. I yearn for you and there's not a single day I don't desire you. But I know absence makes the heart grows fonder and I know together, we can see this through and make it work.

See you soon, my love.

Yours Truly,

An infatuated woman.

#chimsau #crush #long distant romance #long distant love #long distant relationship #longdistance #relationships #feel #connection #bonds #distance #letter #absence #missing you #love #love poems #love post #inmyfeelings #vents #emotions #i miss him #i miss her

[reticentfem]

What do you do when it hurts to stay with the man you love just as much as you walking away from him?

-Drunk thoughts.

#chimsau #sad girl hour #love #thoughts #sadgirl #love poems #heartbreak #self healing #heartbroken #latenightthoughts #early morning #disappointment #heartache #long distant romance #long distant relationship

[reticentfem]

I’m tired of hearing I’m sorry… cause when I look at you, deep down I know you’ll do again. And that’s what hurts me most…

#chimsau #love post #love lost #missing you #i’m sorry #apology #empty promises #sad girl hour #heartbroken #relationships #long distant relationship

[reticentfem]

I hate when I’m restless because my mind can’t stop wandering to you. The way I wish I could be tracing the outline of your soft warm skin pressing onto mine. As I admire you in the purest form of yourself where you’re not guarded and sound asleep. When the world is silent and the comfort of your embrace keeps me from drowning in my own doubts and insecurities. So I can express my affection with gentleness through my delicate lips to your forehead without the apprehension of being clingy. But even on these sleepless nights, my mind will drift back to reality. Where I’ll lay alone in the puddle of my own misery wishing I knew if you’re even thinking of me too. And I’ll nervously check your text thread hoping you’ll respond despite it being 1:11am.

-i wish you knew how much i miss you…

#chimsau #sad girl hour #love #sadgirl #thoughts #long distant love #love lost #self love #forbidden love #love poems #first love #love quotes #lovers #love poem #missing you #i miss him #i miss her #latenightthoughts #latenight #late night thoughts #latepost

[reticentfem]

Missing you is pulling me back into depression…

-that’s my truth.

#chimsau #sad girl hour #love #thoughts #sadgirl #love poems #self healing #heartbreak #heartbroken #asian #latenightthoughts #disappointment #long distant relationship #heartache #long distant romance #relationships

[reticentfem]

An excerpt from a story I may never write…

Not sure what I’m doing here but whatever it is, it feels right. It feels good to enjoy this moment fully in the present and nothing else. Something about this type of vulnerability feels so comforting. I don’t know why but these foreign feelings feel euphoric. Is it love? Or is it lust? A crush? What is it? I thought I wanted space until I met you. This is the softest and most vulnerable version of me that I’m showing you.

Sometimes I’m scared because you’re almost too good to be true. Like I don’t deserve this or you. And sometimes I feel like I’m gonna fuck up somehow or if you see more of the real me, you’ll leave. I’m terrified to put words on my emotions and feelings about you because I know once I do, it becomes real. The type of real that you might find crazy. If I’m being honest, you should know I don’t have much together these days and frankly a part of me is very insecure and has a lot of trust issues. I romanticize love with every inch of me but I don’t know how to accept it. I usually run from it. Commitment is scary to me because I’ve always known to be all in and I haven’t been that vulnerable or felt safe enough to be that vulnerable in a long time. You’ve brought the softest versions of me out. One that I honestly didn’t know I have. Usually I would carry this soft and feminine energy almost like facade but it would end after a month or so. But with you, I always feel it enhanced the more I get to know you. But you should know, that I’m always second guessing and doubting myself. Maybe it’s the years of relationship traumas that makes me scared to trust my gut. No matter how happy I am, something in the pit of stomach always reminds me that I can’t be too comfortable because everyone I love always hurts me. I’ve also grown to learn that every great love will hurt in some way and when you’re in love, you’re choosing that person even when it hurts. When I love someone, I love them so hard and so much, I’m blinded. I don’t ever see the bad or the ugly until it’s in flames and burning down everything I know. But something about you is so different and it relieves me yet makes me so nervous that I’ll cry every so often. My feelings for you are overwhelming in the best ways and part of me feels like it may be rushed but I want to experience life with you and only you. I want you to be my life partner so bad but I’m scared to ask where we stand. Maybe it’s the fear of running you off when I barely have you. And maybe because part of me, already feels like I’ll lose you someday so I want to hold onto you for as long as I can even if I have to pretend like I’m not dying to know. You’ve always touched me from a distance. I’ve been drawn to you for so long now. And the moment I really noticed you, I realized I’ve connected with you without even conversing. You took the words out of my brain before I can even type it. We shared the same thoughts without ever discussing it. You even contacted me with the sweetest messages when I felt loneliest. You saw me even when we never seen each other. Everything inside me is telling me we must’ve of met in a past life and that you’re my soulmate. Because you feed my soul in ways I’ve never knew of. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I know it’s very early and probably too soon but I think I love you. I’m falling in love with you more and more each day. It’s almost unbearable. And if I’m being honest, I’ve known that I’ve loved you since the day we met.

I knew when I looked in your eyes that night, but I wanted to deny it. Just in case I was just smitten by your smile. And in case, I was just infatuated by my teenage crush emotions to really phantom what I truly felt about you. But deep inside, I knew the second we touched that I would fall heads over heels over you no matter what you came with. I knew I would have my hopes up high and my eggs all in your basket. I knew when I wanted to be close to you that I was playing a dangerous game to gamble on my heart like that again. But I didn’t care. I chose to play anyways because something in my heart says that maybe just maybe you’re gonna be the best thing that ever happened to me. And that was the chance I’m willing to take for you with you. The bigger risk the bigger the reward. I do know though, that this heartbreak would define and change me completely if it were to happen. Just the thought of you not being around already hurts so bad. Missing you now hurts so bad. I’m obsessed at this point and losing you is something I’m still trying to swallow but every part of me knows that would leave me numb. Because how I can go from feeling everything to having nothing.

#chimsau #love #sad girl hour #thoughts #long distant romance #long distant love #long distant relationship #longdistance #long reads #love poems #lovers #i love them #in my feels tonight #excerpt from a story i'll never write #inmyfeelings #imissyou #i wonder #insecurity #excerpts from a forgotten diary #excerpts from a book i'll never write #except

[reticentfem]

December 1st, 2021.

Dear Lover,

The day you came into my life, I learned something that changed me forever. I wasn't a hopeless romantic by myself for no reason. The reason was you. The universe was waiting for the right time to have us meet. Not the kind of meeting where we catch the other person's gaze from across the room. Each person anticipating until someone feels adventurous enough to approach the other. It waited for us to be whole within ourselves enough to allow someone else to give gentle love and accept it. As cliche as it sounds, I thought I was ready to give up on loving love because I crave something so tender and pure in a cold society that fears authenticity and commitment. The love you see in those movies where they wait to come back to each regardless of the time passed because the feeling they give each other was elated. I was starting to feel silly that I desired a person who sees me whole and with full transparency and not run. Someone who still believes in taking time to court a woman and learn her. And there you were, seeking me time after time. Even from a distance and as a social media follower, other known as complete strangers, I would've never thought that anyone was truly watching me through a screen and reading me. But you always reached out at the right time with the right things to say every single time. I would be lying if I didn't say I was a little taken back at first. Then I realized that in the moments I felt the most alone, you always came along and swooped me off my feet without even knowing that I was only half whole just with your thoughtful words. The days where I laid in bed questioning and doubting my worth swimming in my own tears of misery, you were the only light that filled me with optimism. You showed me what tender, honest and organic love felt like. And only then did I gather that I never received such genuine love from someone before you.

I spent most of my life loving others the way you shower me with yours. The difference is I never knew what reciprocity felt like until I let you in. The scariest part was it wasn't even difficult for me to let you in. It flowed so naturally and fit just a like a puzzle piece I've been missing all along. You see me for me in ways I don't even recognize myself. Your compassion inspires me to be softer. Your ambition influences me daily. Your sincerity empathizes how I want to feel loved. I am glad that roads finally led me to you. Even though I don't know what the finished puzzle looks like, I'm ecstatic that you're the piece I've been searching for.

Sincerely yours,

A woman in love.

#chimsau #sad #sad girl hour #love #sadgirl #thoughts #poetry #poetsandwriters #my poem #poems and quotes #self love poem #love poems #lovers #first love #lost love #loveyourself #self love #self realization #self reflection #tw self destructive behavior #self destruction #self healing #letter #my love #long distant relationship #relationships #vents #vent post #exerpts from a book i'll never write #excerpts from a book i'll never write

[reticentfem]

I pray you find me again in another lifetime. Even if we’re not meant forever, I’ll still choose to be loved by you even if it’s short lived.

#chimsau #sad girl hour #love #thoughts #sadgirl #love poems #heartbreak #self healing #heartbroken #latenightthoughts #disappointment #heartache #long distant relationship #long distant romance #relationships