#cheater openletter wastemytime2020 dontcheat

[nearmiss69]

letter to a cheat

Being with me, anyone who decides to be with me long term. It is always always gonna be a minefield. I have had a difficult life and as much as i don't want it to. It will probably always affect me even without me knowing it, or till someone brings a behaviour of mine to my notice. I have never really had any sort of family, at least one that i felt any sort of love from or any actual belonging. Always feeling like the odd one out because my previous experiences had taught me to be very introverted with my feelings and emotions. 

Coming from the home I did, the one raining memory I had was one of them, was my little sister crying (who was a pretty little baby) we were all neglected but she wasn't old enough to help herself at least as much as she could. So the sound of a crying baby has always made me anxious cause all i wanna do is make it better.

I have never felt i fit in, i have always sought to please to make people like me. Cause as a lot of kids coming from that life trying to get your mum or dad to “love you” you try to be as good and as helpful as you possibly can, which carried on and still is there in my life. I've been mocked for liking or pretending to like things you think i may not understand or what hobbies of others and such. But all I will ever do is strive to have folk like me, at least ones I WANT to like me, to like me. It's just built in me. And being able to say no or that i don't know about a thing is really hard. 

Once the main chapter in my life, or atleast the roughest was over or at least paused for a long time. It was a huge loss. I have mourned the loss of that family unit as utterly toxic as it was and i probably always will unless i take my rose tinted glasses off but then i would have no good memories at all if i did that. I think the worst of it all will always overshadow and fleeting good moments. 

Anyway i went into another life. A life i had been accused of for long enough despite clearly never having the time to do it. But I figured I enjoyed the acts, mostly because of my younger years, and being told by future family members not wanting to be touched by males was just me thinking I was somehow better than everyone? Anyway me sharing my body for the most part never really took much. I enjoyed or at least took some enjoyment out of it all. Even if it wasn't the specific act I was lucky enough to work with people who I felt NEEDED me in some way an escape from their own lives for a moment, a thought I understood. 

At a later point when I found out I was suffering from depression and probably had since I was very young. I honestly think I had dissociated from any sort of feelings or emotions. Very much a case of burying my head in the sand. But it was how my brain protected me. The only way i ever really felt anything was through sex. Or helping people by feeding them or anything I could do to make them feel good. And honestly looking after people in any sense is the only way I found any reason to do anything. It's the only way I could find some happiness. My only reason to exist truthfully, all I have ever felt is helping others. Which honestly is probably really sad, cause it's probably very much not true and at the root of it all i'm just utterly useless. A person somewhat talented at a few things but really not great at anything. 

Anyway starting this new relationship I felt from the start was the one, I was still coming from being in a mindset of looking after solely everyone else and not for myself. And it took a long while to shake that off, I know I understand it's difficult. It's a lot to put on someone or expect someone to understand and just go along with. And then once I finally felt safe with someone that I could maybe care about myself and feel like I could have some autonomy over my own body and do things just because I want to or because i enh=joy it. And not to please someone else. Because if it's the relationship till i die then surely me saying no doesn't mean no for everytime? Because all problems can be worked out and we have time to be able to do that? I understand the start of our relationship was probably too quick maybe too intense but i don't feel that ever let just things had to be worked on that never did and time passed maybe too much time till we had a decent conversation about things and how to get passed and though our issues which i understand probably mostly stem from me. I know I'm broken, I know I'm difficult to be with. But I also know my worth. I know what I am good at and I know that I am better than being treated like any other woman. 

We finally got to a point where I felt that we knew at least some of our issues and we could start to work through them, cause honestly what's the rush? We still have plenty of time but I guess it was all too little too late for us. And i don't know if we'll ever get back from this. You broke my heart and my trust once. And then she came along. All I had heard from the start is that you only wanted me, that this was it. Couldn't even BEGIN to try and get you to have friends or any part of your life that wasn't me. I tried from the moment we met to get you to try and have some sort of a normal life. And then you tell me that you only started things with her cause you had no one to ever talk to like i did. Except you didn't want anyone else but me. You didn't want any sort of friend male or female. Folk you had grown up with or people that liked you that you met through me. Nope you wanted none of it. But you wanted her. You never had any feelings for her, she meant nothing to you. But she was the only one you had, I have loads of people that love me. And you had no one but her. Despite me doing everything in my power to have folk like me, because I can't ever live with the idea of not being wanted or needed. By people, people that i have grown to deeply love. But no you only wanted her despite never having any feelings for her. But she listened to you. Despite the fact she only ever talked about herself and how she wanted to hurt or kill herself. But she sucked you cock and it was all dirty and dangerous and exciting. 

All I have ever wanted is normal, normal partner pets, maybe kids. A job or career that we can expand and just make something of ourselves. And I thought I had that with you. Maybe we still do as long as i can forgive and forget eh? Till you never do it all again. Except that in another moment of weakness you start it all over again. But it's her or me not letting us move on eh? All she wants to do is ruin your life cause she's crazy. A crazy that like me is built on a fucking difficult life and then you get some “nice” guy rolling up telling you how amazing you are and he only wants you. It's amazing when that is ALL you wanna hear and you do and then you believe it and then it's you that's crazy. Honestly. You certainly can’t be honest to me. You can't be honest with the other woman. And you clearly can't be honest with yourself. 

Honestly just stop lying. Own your fucking shit and stop fucking with people.  

#cheater openletter wastemytime2020 dontcheat