#cause i'm so damn scared

[burymeinwillow]

Everytime I draw Joe Cartwright I get overwhelmed with the desire to only ever draw Joe

#you dont understand #my hyperfixation with Bonanza started around 2014-2015 but I didn't start to draw fanart of Joe or Bonanza until like... 2018. #It's hard to explain but back then I was TERRIFIED of drawing Joe cause I was afraid I would draw him wrong and get discouraged by- #not being a talented enough artist #and OH I wanted to draw fanart so badly - But I didn't dare to do it. I was afraid to be self-indulgent #Going YEARS and wanting so badly to draw my favorite character but being scared to do it... compared to know #I'm way more self-indulgent than I was- and now I'm drawing Bonanza Fanart and being indulgent in it and it makes me beyond happy #It makes me so happy I'm actually crying #I draw Joe Cartwright and it just makes me so unbelieveably happy... happy that I CAN do it. Happy that I am talented enough. #Being talented doesn't even really matter - Happy that I learned to be self-indulgent and HAVE FUN. and most of that is thanks to Juni. #I could write a whole damn essay on how much it means to me #so yes drawing Joe makes me so very happy #im not crying - not at all

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

If anyone relates to this even just a little bit, then I'm so sorry.

#• luna lavinchi speaking • #living with cptsd #cptsd vent #complex ptsd #diet culture trauma #monsters inside me #toxic health culture #ex vegitarian/vegan #emotional flashbacks #health documentaries #dark side of veganism #i should have never been forced to watch these as a child..my mind wasn't ready to understand the information nor tell what was real or not #-i cant try sushi or even think about fish without feeling physically sick and dizzy. i haven't had McDonald's since i was like 6ish years- #-old..i never wanted to share this information but i need to vent. I feel embarrassed and rude for not liking a food chain that most of the #-population does. Smelling or seeing McDonald's makes me wanna puke so bad because of everything those documentaries would say. #I will never be able to eat McDonald's in my life because of how sick and terrified i feel when thinking about the food even the drinks- #-scare the shit out of me. I'm so pissed that I'm triggered. All of the sudden i smell something in the house that smells like McDonald's- #-then the memories come flooding back and i feel like puking so back so i cant even eat dinner. i know this may seem stupid but i am- #-genuinly scared. Im tired of this shit and tired of feeling alone in this. #(anyway sorry. if you read my vent then i appreciate you) #tw food talk #tw diet culture #tw vent in tags #(dont even get me started on parasites cause thats a whole fucking trauma itself. damn it i hate it all. i hate it so much) #(also note: my therapist made me feel so validated weeks ago when i told her during my session that i was traumatized by monsters inside me- #-she literally knew the name of the show before i could even say its name. and she said she also cant watch it and that she saw it as an- #-adult who doesn't have ocd. so she told me she can't even imagine how terrified i was to watch it as a child who was developing ocd.- #-therapist W)

[thebleedingeffect]

.

#okay I'm talking in the tags of this post cause shit is happening in my life and I gotta talk about it somewhere #one part of it is my step brother crashing and burning before my very eyes and there's nothing I can do to stop his own destructive actions #so it's just me watching this poor kid ruin his relationships and blame everything and everyone around him as he does so #despite the fact that he's undeniably been treated horribly at times- he's just turned that anger back onto others and himself #and I have no idea what to feel as I watch him get arrested. have drug problems. because I'm just waiting for the inevitable spiral #it doesn't help that my mom has been comparing us and saying that I'm the much better child and she wishes he was like me #not understanding that I could’ve been him if I was just more angry at the world at that age instead of being so sad and scared #and that leads me to my fucking mom cause like- I love her. we've been through alot of bad shit with her #I've almost done some really bad shit for her and I know that she loves me more than anything else #but it feels like its been getting more and more suffocating cause I'm not sure she's able to start seeing me as an adult #and start loosening her grip around me and let me breathe. to have my own experiences without her by my side #to be able to go places and imagine a future without her constantly by my side #she talks and it's like she doesn't even think to wonder that perhaps I want to form my own experiences #and experience the world on my own terms because I feel like I've spent my whole life having so little damn control #religious family. shit and neglectful father who turned into the exact opposite and nearly killed me. family who refuses to listen and talk #having to move and run immediately. put survival above all else. go to school. get out. and god I just wanna breathe #she loves me so much and I love her too. but I feel like I'll be sooner crushed if I stick here for long enough #I'm just mad that my life has been nothing but absolutely no love. sudden waves of intense love. absolutely nothing. sudden spike #and I feel like I'm just finally starting to form good. healthy relationships on my own terms and actually make friends #because I had no idea what I was doing when I was a kid cause I was so fucking lonely and hurting #now I just. gotta figure out how to tell my mom that I can't carry this expectation that I'll continue to stay forever by her side #it just feels like I'm her child first and a person second. and it sucks. it really sucks. #ough. spins and spins and spins and spins-

[onewingedangels]

#personal #PLEASE BE FAKE I'M BEGGING #it sounds so fake but with recent games that we been having and them flopping fast i wouldn't be surprised but i'm scared :'D #this kinda adds up with the prev leak that said there will be multiple characters u play as so i'm a bit scared lol #multiple protagonists with each campaign? THIS ALONE SOUNDS SO BAD OMFG #can yall be normal and just make a classic single player game with JUST lara like it always was? is that this hard??? #WELL they have till 2025 they better change their damn minds #cause aint no way i'm touching this...

[moe-broey]

I rhink one of the most haunting and disturbing OH I'VE. BREACHED CONTAINMENT moments was someone tagging my CYL results surprised Alfonse won and their vibe was like "I knew Alfonse is a fave of some but damn" like............. he........... sure is...... a fave of some. Um. Unrelated but have you looked at my blog for like ten seconds

#LIKE i'm not being an ass about it and i don't wanna vague and be petty cause that's def not what i'm feeling #if anything i just felt bad like. damn you had to learn this through me?????????? UNFORTUNATE. #it was a STARTLING REMINDER THAT ohhhhhhhhhh when i tag things for organization. #it also exists. thebthe maintags. supposedly. #also in my mind there are like maximum ten people here. and i was talking directly to them in my heart #honestly makes me so scared though like..... damn....... i must clog the hell out of the feh tags..... and the alfonse tag......... #i'm so sorry. #it does make me wonder if i've been blocked for being annoying. which!!!! i hope!!! #that if someone DID find me annoying or strongly disagreed w my takes like i would hope they blocked me!!!! #peace and love. you play in your corner i'll play in mine. #i just have to keep telling myself IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY TO BE ANNOYING I PROMISE #I PROMISE YOU WON'T BE SHOT AND KILLED FOR BEING ANNOYING I PROMISE ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

[darcyolsson]

rereading twilight and nostalgia is making it an enjoyable experience overall but honestly i was not ready for how genuinely horrible and terrifying edward is. some of this is straight out of a horror movie

#he is extremely possessive (even when he still barely knows her) and he has these sudden bursts of anger related to it #theres even a moment where bella mentions she's scared that the perfectly normal thing she just said might cause him to get angry again #because his anger is that unpredictable..... genuinely horrifying #i think what makes it so terrifying is that its so realistic? like yeah a girl like bella would absolutely be fine with a guy whos like tha #so it would work VERY well as a cautionary tale. except it's not that obviously lmfao #they have their moments though! bella does sometimes call him out on his behaviour (when she doesnt think it's flattering) #and any of the scenes where edward gets all poetic are hilarious bc bella's just like 'ok' #edward: my soul has long been damned... i'm going to hell anyway so i might as well stop trying and... sit with you at lunch.. my bella. #bella: i literally have no idea what youre saying rn #personal #twilight

[bobmckenzie]

ok i don't know WHAT kind of brain fart I had but I've been thinking today marks 6 months since I started shipping with Bob... IT'S NOT SIX DLSKJFKSF IT'S EIGHT 😳😳😳 8 MONTHS!!!

so today i learned i don't know how to count but idec bc it's my 8 month bobiversarry lol ❤️

#(sorry there's basically a freaking diary entry in these tags damn) (needed to get my thoughts out ig lol) #i really am so grateful for him and doug. which i get could sound really silly to ppl outside of this community lol #but they've helped me through the past 8 months and have made me smile even when in the worst moods :'3 #even putting the selfshipping aspect of it aside they just make me happy !! #i honestly CANNOT believe its been that long already though... time has freaking FLOWN by since sept #but actually thinking about it in that way makes me oddly motivated? like that post abt how #'the time will pass anyways.' like i could have done A LOT in those 8 months but... i didn't 🧍🏻‍♀️BUT #there's 8 more months right ahead of me to make use of. like i've been really wanting to learn music theory and production #and im scared bc of how much time it will take. but I started studying a few days ago... and in 8 months i'll have 8 months of experience #idk it's just a comforting thought #like maybe even just in 4 months on the one year bobiverssary (lol) i'll be able to look back on today #and be like WOW i learned SO much since then and made so much music etc. just need to manage my time better all around. #bc of course i also need to do my actual JOB aka finish my next novel and prep for selfpub #cause i'm excited but not nearly ready 4 when my current contract ends. idk if it'll get renewed or not but i'm cool w either outcome 🧘🏻‍♀ #UMMM. i didn't expect to ramble that much LMFAO sorry i was caught off guard by the passage of time ! 😳 #peanut butter and jelly donut #caitiechat

[evilkitten3]

i just. had a very silly bnha au idea

#what if midoriya izuku was actually shimura tenko #and shigaraki tomura was shimura hana #not au where shigaraki is a chick to be very clear #au where shigaraki realized he was trans after getting adopted by afo but before repressing everything #so afo was like well damn that's convenient and fucked around with shiggy's brain #which is what caused him to repress everything bc afo accidentally made his semi-fake backstory TOO dramatic #like. comic book level over-the-top complicatedness #hisashi isn't even real he's just a placeholder so izuku and inko don't think too hard about why something's not quite right #anyway shigaraki runs into midoriya at the mall and is hit with the uncontrollable urge to be mean to him #leftover older sibling instinct #trying to figure out what actually happened gives everyone a headache #which was totally afo's plan all along guys he didn't just massively screw up and then pathetically try to cover his tracks #haha that'd be silly #recovery girl: midoriya we just got your blood test back. apparently you're shigaraki tomura? #midoriya: i'm. pretty sure i'm not. for so very many reasons #to be fair shigaraki tomura is also not shigaraki tomura #but he doesn't know that so it's fine #inko: *sees her son suddenly grow a new quirk* *too conditioned by afo's mindfuckery to really think about it much* ok #midoriya: *gets a new quirk* for some reason i'm now really scared of getting too attached to a dog? not sure what that's about #bnha #bnha au

[snixx]

I'm very uninterested in foreign colleges but apparently a couple of indian colleges accept the sat for some reason and i went to check it out? and damn when my dad said "don't practice sat math for too long your math skills will deteriorate and you will lose all your brain cells" he really wasn't kidding. americans y'all wouldn't survive a week in the indian education system fr:')

#sometimes it astounds me how much easier those people have it in EVERYTHING and they don't even realise #if international fees werent so damn high your ivy leagues would just be international kids i swear #now i get why they're so scared of immigrants stealing their jobs it's cause so many people are genuinely overqualified for them #why do those countries have all the resources ew #why are they the most reputed suck my dick #x am rambles #whatever I'm just going to go back to pretending they're a fantasy world the west is so disconnected from everywhere else #and there's no point bitching about it #but every so often I'm reminded of their existence and i just need to laugh

[lynxalon]

me when i'm tired and hurting and scared and angry and no one is coming to help me and i don't say that to be negative or guilt anyone who might see this vent i say it as a fact because no one is going to help i have to help myself and i don't want to i don't want to help myself i want to lean on someone for once without being taken advantage of and i want to talk about my anger and express it and get it out in a healthy manner and i want to talk about how scared i am how my health terrifies me and i don't really know what's going on and i know my body to the best extent i can i and i have worked endlessly trying to conserve energy so i can do basic tasks like dishes and bathing myself and i have been working so fucking hard to fight the internalized ableism in me that screams that everything shouldn't be this hard and i should just Be Able to do these things and i don't have anything to actually fight these thoughts! because i don't actually know what's wrong and i have tried for the past three years. three fucking years. to make this one appointment. just one. to talk to a different professional and tell them i need help i and living less than half my life and i can't take it most days i can't take this cycle of deteriorating physical health into deteriorating mental health and round and round. i'm exhausted. i can't do the things i enjoy. i work so hard to try to do them occasionally. and i work hard to try and appreciate and enjoy it. and it's just hard.

i just want to vent tonight. i'm stressed. we've been having small bug problems lately. and then there's the waterlogged part of the carpet where we don't know where the water is coming from. and tonight i saw what might have been a roach and. i grew up between my mom and aunts place, and my aunts was beyond covered with bugs. at night it was horrifying and finding a place to sleep sucked ass. so it just. fucking triggered me, and i'm so tired and hurting but i pulled out appliances and things and sprayed down bugs and spots i've seen them in and. so i sat down and i was already overwhelmed and i couldn't find the remote so i could put something on and relax. and i did find it. but i just had to sit and work on breathing and cry a bit. i'm home all the time and i constantly am thinking about this. i'm so stressed about it. OH and it was made sooooo much worse because for the first time i saw one in our room. and. that nearly sent me into a panic attack. we have been so strict with having no food or anything like that in the bedroom. and it didn't do anything. there was still a bug. where there's one, there's so many more. i am. going to try and fucking relax.

#lynx speaks #personal vent #we have apartment checks tomorrow and i don't want to interact with anyone but i wanna make sure someone sees these things #we've called about having someone take a look and they looked at the leaks #i think one of them was fixed #but now theres this and i'm. like comeon can we catch a fucking break. #it could be worse but also these are licherally fixable things #butyeah. i'm still up cause i can't sleep. i'm in pain. dizzy and nauseous. my head has hurt almost every day for maybe a month or so #i'm fucking scared all the time. honestly i try and ignore it cause i don't like bein scared and i don't think i'm on deaths door so #maybe even if i leave it be i'll be sorta okay #thats. a bad mindset but fuck dude. i know it is. and i've asked for help. and when i was a minor i sorta got help #why does it feel so damn difficult as an adult? #and it really sucks cause my irl support system is one person (who i don't want to burden with all of this bullshit like i'll vent some) #and my family (tentative help at best because they have been dismissive and think i'm a hypochondriac) #which. being a hypochondriac wouldn't be a bad thing i feel like thats a bit ableist #but whether i were or not these syptoms still exist. the pain isn't gone because they called me a hypochondriac. i'm still exhausted. #sorry for the wall of text

[itstheelvenjedi]

Venty Vent post

The amount of family drama I have fucking dealt with over this past....week and a half, that came to a head this weekend. Y’all have no idea (and yeah hey hi, I dropped off the face of the earth, this is why lmfao. My parents suck 👍👍)

Anyway I think if BOTH of your kids sit you down and spend OVER 4 HOURS very gently trying to tell you that you need to see a fucking doctor and get help because you’re hurting other people AND yourself and we’re tired of pretending you aren’t anymore. And your only response to that is to fucking Bible-bash them. And straight up SAY “I know “bible-bashing” is a thing but-” as if we’re MAKING IT UP or it’s NOT REAL. Before proceeding to do FOUR HOURS of Bible-bashing without listening to a single motherfucking thing we have to say.

Then you know what fine. Fuck you. Go “pray” about it or whatever, I don’t fucking care anymore. I’m done. We’re both done with you guys. We don’t care no more.

#vent #elven screams into the void #anti-christianity #christianity critical #caps lock #ask to tag #cause i'm not rlly sure what to tag this as but uuhhh yeah #idk its been 3 days & i'm still fucking mad at this asshole #the lion the witch and the *AUDACITY* of this bible-thumping bitch #the urge to go complete NC is so strong #but i'm scared to bc they've kept me so socially isolated & so dependant on him for help #that if some fucking shit goes wrong i wouldn't know what to do & that scares me #but idk how much longer i can keep this shit up. idk how much longer i can pretend it doesn't bother me when it does #this is only the tip of the iceberg btw he had various other equally sus and fucking horrifying things to say #that i don't rlly wanna repeat here bc tumblr.hell do be cracking down on people talking about *their own damn trauma* now #and i don't wanna get murked lulz

[dappy-dappernette]

Seeing the person who lied about me reblog trans rights and anti-racism posts while running around claiming they're such a great white cis ally is soooo fucking funny. It's so performative to a near comical degree that it almost feels like a parody.

Yes. You're such a great ally to brown trans-people. So great in fact that you decide to lie about them being a violent pr*dator, lies that have gotten innocent brown and trans people killed before, to make yourself look better. Bravo. You deserve a fucking medal.

#not Hetalia #It's so fucking funny #They're so fake to an alarming degree #Also yes this person is cis #I'm just using they/them rn to keep their identity a secret #But damn this isn't the only instance cause like #Whenever I'd bring up racism I've faced or fears for transphobia they'd always go #''Haha! At least I'M not those guys! I'm so much better! #Aren't I such a great ally? I'm such a good ally haha" #Like B R O #that's your response to someone venting about the bigotry they face??? #Just- “I'm scared of the surge of racism and transphobia :(” #“That sucks but at least you have me! You should be glad to have me I'm the best ally ever!” #Like- Fuck off. Why did you feel the need to make this abt praising yourself? #Well... we at least saw how that went

[abyssalhuntersnerd]

Tfw your teacher tells you that you need to pick a simple logo design before Friday to make handmade stamps out of it and you immediately think to yourself: I am so doing the Abyssal Hunters Logo. You can't stop me.

#normal posts #I am gonna make myself personalized merch #once we get past this fucking semester #it's all just #sitting down and listening to the teacher and nothing else for 3 hours at a time #it's kinda boring because of how much info they dump on you #like I love it but ugh it's tiring and tomorrow I have the worst subject of them all #aka you gotta learn laws and the teachers won't explain shit to you #:))) #I'm getting used to it tho I've been sleeping and all so that's good #but like damn getting home at 10pm is a little hard sometimes but its a welcome change #I'm just kinda worried cause I haven't studied for 5 years so like oh god how did you do this #also I forgot how to fucking write in Spanish my god I've been working for too long and my brain just can't make #anything sound proper #and my classes are in two languages so it's even more confusing #I'm not the best student I'll admit #but I'm gonna try my best #I'm just scared I won't be able to do things in time ;;; also sn ;;;;;;; pls don't let is have any tests by then #aaaaaa

[definitely-not-captain-america]

Dean in that one hellhound episode in season 2: it's selfish to trade your life for someone else and make them live without you just because you couldn't live without them

Dean by the end of season 2: sells his soul to save Sam because he can't live without him

#supernatural #spn #dean winchester #sam winchester #i love the hypocrisy that is our very own dean winchester #dude i literally watched Friday the 13th solely bc of Jared #i hate gory slasher movies and i watched that shit on 4 volume just for that man #now it's midnight and I'm scared to go to sleep cause Jason's whole thing was showing up behind people #literally every single time #but damn did Jared look good #he was like season 4 or 5 Sam by that point #which just so happens to be my favorite Sam #Jesus i have a problem #s

[deprofundisclamaviadtedomine]

I wanna know about your life so bad. You have so many stories to tell, twice as many as me and you can tell them better too. Maybe I have clarity but you have experience and perspective that I don't, not to mention that you're not a basket case like some of us.

I just wanna be treated like everything I am and most people are too dumb for that. Most of the time I actually want to be treated like a boy, then I also wanna be treated like a queen and then there's being a needy insecure mess too. I'm so simple, people are just stupid and boring. Glad that you exist.

You can play and you can also separate it much better than me. I just joke with life altogether and it's obviously not working out that great. You're safe and you can entertain me so well. I don't know who's amusing who, actually. Haha. I care for safe much more but boring people make me depressed – you're perfect and so so smart.

I don't know how I could think you'd hate me, seriously how many people would kick the door down like me. Who'd play so well – I know I play well even though I'm neurotic af. Then again is it enough? Depends on what you like. I don't know I can't be anything else anyway. So whatever it brings.

#“Daddy” is hot because it's so cringe #still pretty sure you're kidding lol #Daddyyyyyyy #😂 #i am a useless directionless sub stereotype to a disgusting degree #except i also am too enlightened to see it as a problem #bad lol #really bad #you'd be disgusted although to be honest i think you can see #why do you want that? because you wanna care ? like bring it to life because it's a job that has to be done ahaha #oh my god pussy throbbing from that too if it's you who sees it #this is so embarrassing #i know I'm so lost and directionless cause I'm too broken to care #... #but it's still embarrassing cause I'm not weak #I'm just hurt #and unsafe #and need a firm hand #and a kick #and attention #and to be corrected #what other words are there better than Master? #there have to be some #I'm yours it's not done through sex I'm yours #can you also tell that I'm an anxious neurotic mess and I can do literally nothing properly #cause I'm so scared #and worthless and empty #i need to be disciplined... if I'm left unsupervised I'm just gonna do nothing #damn #why do you want that

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

Maybe it's just my paranoia but I'm startin to feel he's got some abilities we aren't aware of

Startin to feel he did somethin to my brain that he's not supposed to be able to do

#i vaguely remember how...in the middle of everything he slowed down n made me look him in the eye. made me repeat the lines he fed me #tell him he owns me. tell him every single part of me belongs to him n always will. #tell him no one else even knows how to fuck me right. the way i _need_ to be fucked #tell him i want it i want him i need him #i just have this......feeling there was somethin else #but i can't fucking REMEMBER #maybe i'm just tryin to find excuses cause i don't wanna admit how easy i am. he got under my skin so damn fast n i can't claw him out #but i've never felt like this about him. not even when i still loved him. i can't think of a single reason to stay n let him keep doin this #n still the thought of leavin him scares me more than anything he could possibly do to me #not cause of what he might do. he can't hurt me anymore if i don't let him n the way he's got me he could just do any of that anyway #i'm in more danger stayin than i would be tryin to leave. so why does it feel impossible? #why does it feel like he put smth in my brain that tells me what to do n i can't find a way to fight it #i talked about it as a brainwash before. the way he got my head fuzzy n then made me repeat the things he told me #made it harder to question it but. i'm scared he slipped in smth more. somethin he put in my subconscious that i can't remember #cause the thought of not lettin him have me anymore is just.....i can't even comprehend it. #i think of leavin n the only thing i can think is i can't. i don't even want to. it's not an option at all. #what the fuck did he do to me #spdrvent