#cause feelings are temporary and all that ill feel better at SOME point

[magnoliamyrrh]

.

#im freaking out at the prospect that this may be the new normal for awhile #i never know when i get worse if its temporary or ive gotten long term chronically worse tm #i have absolutely no idea whats causing me to be so messed up tho #first was the physical pain hitting like a truck for some weeks but thats not that bad now? that got a bit better #now is just. bone deep exhaustion with 0 escape. for so many days almost in a row ill just feel like i need to randomly collapse and take #a very. very long sleep #i dont know if ive been this bad since i was on birth control years back #. #maybe it rly is just. months of stress and physical pain and slightly relapsing into bulimia and just. s t r e s s #hitting me all at once #lmao i have no idea how im going to get through life like this. im back again at that point where i wish i could just conveniently die

[perpetualcynicism]

𝔬𝔫𝔠𝔢 𝔲𝔭𝔬𝔫 𝔞 𝔣𝔞𝔦𝔯𝔶𝔱𝔞𝔩𝔢 — 𝔠𝔥𝔞𝔭𝔱𝔢𝔯 𝔢𝔦𝔤𝔥𝔱.

𝔞𝔯𝔠𝔥𝔦𝔳𝔢. 𝔠𝔥𝔞𝔭𝔱𝔢𝔯 𝔰𝔢𝔳𝔢𝔫.

——————————————————————

“Your mark, it… it has receded.”

Even as you said it, you almost could not believe what you were seeing: the dark tendrils reaching down the side of her neck had crept back to her jaw, where they stayed, pulsing slightly, as if with resentment towards their lost territory. Part of you was convinced you were merely deluding yourself into thinking the mark had shrunk due to desperation, but no; it was undeniably smaller than before.

“‘Receded?’” asked the little girl.

“It's smaller than before.”

“Oh.” Then, “That’s good, isn’t it?”

“I… I suppose so, yes,” you replied in a puzzled daze, too preoccupied with countless notions of what this meant to answer certainly. 

Was it the berries which had caused this to happen? It was more likely them than any other factor; and it seemed appropriate that only something originating from the woods could have an effect on whatever else came from it. 

You had not realised your hands were trembling until the little girl pointed it out to you. A strange kind of excitement was coursing through your veins. Could this at last be the solution you were looking for?

You inhaled deeply to steady yourself: if you were to tackle the disease, you must be calm as you did so. Excitement could lead to oversights, and oversights to consequences; further hardships you did not need. 

Shortly later, you told the little girl to go to sleep on the account that it was her bedtime as well as needing some time to yourself to make sense of what you had discovered. Once she was dozing peacefully, you slipped out from the bedroom and into your study, where you spent the remaining hours of night grinding the remaining berries into a paste along with some other herbs you had used in previous attempts to configure a cure. As always, you then infused the mixture with a sliver of magic to enhance its effects. 

When morning arrived, after a short walk to the forest wherein you left another flower on the tree stump, this time daring to hold onto high hopes that it would be reciprocated, you conducted another sweep of your patients, distributing as much of the berry concoction as you could afford between them. The results were better than anything you had tried before, with the disease’s dark blemishes reluctantly receding, and a feeling of relief—relief which had not been felt by the community for far too long—settled over the village. 

However, following the course of a few days, you began to discover that this solution, though promising, was far from flawless.

The first problem emerged when you found the demand for the berries required to treat symptoms greatly outweighed what you could provide: though your exchange of flower and fruit became routine, the amount you received in return was simply not enough for everybody—and you could hardly march up to the woods and demand the sorcerer for more. 

Furthermore, it soon became apparent that despite somewhat holding back the symptoms, the berries could not completely eradicate the disease: if a patient went a few days without another dose, the dark roots would regain their lost ground as though they had never been weakened at all.

When you discovered this, you could not help but feel your initial hope dwindle: even after everything, the only solution available was temporary. When visiting your patients again, you learned that it was only you who felt this decline in hopefulness, for the villagers were only more eager to receive their treatment now that they knew of a cure. Once they had tasted relief, they were not keen on returning to the darkness.

You may be selfish for doing so, but you kept a larger dose of berries—or one as large as you could afford to—for the little girl’s treatment. It was true you had a responsibility for all of your patients, but you were her guardian, and the thought of doing her parents ill was one you were far from eager to entertain. 

Some days later, when your supply inevitably ran short and you estimated a day’s wait for the next exchange—from this morning (when you had left your flowers) to the next, (when the sorcerer would return the favour)—a minor outcry arose in the village. 

“We have not received our treatment today. Is something wrong?” “Have you run out?” “Are we to die?” “Please, do not let me die!”

You tried to placate their cries with reassurances that all would resume as normal the next day, but your words of recovery fell deaf onto the ears of the dying. After some time, you managed to calm the townsfolk enough to return to your home unpursued, but still you could not be truly relieved: as desperate as they may be, the villagers had raised a vital point you had been hoping could be overlooked for longer. Today, it was only a one day wait, and making up the lost time was bearable. However, as the disease spread to more victims—for you still knew of no way to prevent this—and as the already afflicted’s conditions grew only more severe, you knew you would not be able to cater for everyone’s needs. 

Of course, they did not know it was another who was providing this supply; and if you told them the very treatment you had been giving them came from the woods, you feared they would refuse to take it any longer. Thus, explaining to them your situation was no more an option than demanding the sorcerer for more.

You sent the little girl up to bed earlier than usual, when the sun had barely begun to set, and gave her the last dose of medicine you currently had. Afterwards, in the quiet house, you sat in your study, feeling the weight of your responsibility heavier than ever before. Grieved by your own helplessness and fatigued by a lack of sleep, you completed no work, nor attempted any new solutions. You merely sat by the light of the dying candlelamp, and watched its lone flame burn the hours silently away. Though the light it cast was sufficiently bright, you could only see the shadows.

It was later that evening that you noticed the little dark patch beneath your ear. Though not unexpected, a sharp, painful cinch seized your heart like a hand suffocating your very being; one from which you could not escape, and which would only constrict around you as time went on. 

You lowered a shaking finger and slipped towards the little girl’s room, opening the door by a crack. She was sound asleep inside. For a moment, your expression softened; ill she may be, but she never complained, the poor thing. Then your face hardened, your smile turning grim. 

If I die, everybody else does, too.

Could you live with yourself if that happened?

And so it was later that night that you found yourself sneaking into the forest, past the copses of trees and troll stones, and to the edge of the maw of the woods. You knew you had reached your destination when the grass began to grow sparse and grey, and when all other sounds beyond the soft creaking of stick-thin trees had faded into silence; although if asked, you could not have placed when. 

Your plan—a flimsy, naive thing—was as follows: you would wait here on the border until the sorcerer came to take your flower, and you would ask him where he grew the berries, in the reckless, desperate hopes that, perhaps, you could find them yourself. If he refused to answer… You looked at the woods and its teeth of trees, and suppressed the shudder which pricked your spine. 

You were hoping it wouldn’t have to come to such a thing.

Despite the rather obvious task of keeping an eye on the woods, there was little to do, waiting at your tree stump. Perhaps in other places, one may have delighted at the sounds of insects trilling in the air, or the haunting calls of birdsong by night; but here, on this thin border separating your world from… whatever it may be that lies across it, there were no such sounds to be heard. No animal of a wise mind would stray this close to the woods.

With a smile edging on sardonic, you wondered what that would make you. 

You soon found you could not tell what time it was, nor track how long you’d been here; the sky was a dull, featureless grey, akin to what you imagined ‘nothing’ would look like if the concept was tangible. Time always seemed to bend out of shape where the woods was concerned. You fought to stay awake, your eyes fixed on the flower offering you had left that morning, determined to find answers, and uncover more about this sorcerer who had walked right out of a storybook and stolen the better half of your intrigue. What does his face look like? you wondered. What does his voice sound like? Why did he help you?

Beyond the border, there was a rustle of movement. You strained your eyes against the darkness, wondering whether it may be the sorcerer, but you could not decipher anything amiss amidst the close-packed trees. The woods seemed to only grow deeper as you stared into it until its thin residents began swimming in your vision. You shut your eyes firmly to banish the image from your mind. Behind your eyelids, you saw slender lines of grey.

You opened them to blink away the shapes, and found yourself somewhere you had only known once, but knew too well nonetheless. The stifling press of empty wind on your neck; the shapes scuttling through the darkness like strips of black cloth, leaving pricks on your skin as they brushed by. The trees and their branches like groping fingers, the countless eyes which were never there when you focused on them, tracing your every movement with hungry, malevolent patience. 

No, you cried, but the not-wind’s silent whisper stole your voice. No. This can’t be. Not again. You turned your head this way and that, looking to find some escape, any direction at all to run in which was not a labyrinth of trees and shadows and snagging thorns. 

Inside your head (against which you could feel your pulse, a hot press on your temples), your mind raced almost as fast as your heart did. You had not moved from the stump: how did this happen? Had you walked in with no memory of doing so? Had the woods advanced across the border? Could it even do that? What would such a thing mean for your village? 

A voice tore you from your frantic thoughts. A voice you didn’t know but somehow remembered, it called a name which was not yours, and yet one which you recognised in a way that felt like the name was older, went deeper than yourself. The sounds struck you as being from ages past, when the world itself was still young. Your chest tightened upon each iteration, ebbing with a pain and yearning you could not place. If anything, it felt like it belonged to somebody else. 

You had heard no shortage of stories while studying magic about ‘true’ names—names which did not define a person as much as they were a person—but you had always dismissed them as the side of magic which took after imagination more than substance. Now, seeing your body remember and respond to a collection of sounds your mind did not, you could not be so sure in your scepticism. This call was a fishing line, and unable to resist, you let it reel you forwards.

In the back of your mind, you were dimly aware, somewhere, of this being a very bad idea indeed. Whether this was a spell, or a bewitchment, or the woods’ way of ensnaring prey, you were walking right into the spider’s web. And yet you could not bring yourself to stop; so you walked, over the bone-like twigs cracking beneath your feet, past the eyes could could feel but not see, between the thicket and the thorns. The trees did not rustle behind you as they closed around the footsteps you left behind. The wind did not whisper as it goaded you onwards. The patient shadows did not slip along your skin, until the first one did. 

You had felt the woods’ shadows before—soft, cold things reminiscent of a strip of torn velvet, which came and went in an instant—but they had never touched you, not like this. Before, it had been as though they were testing you; tasting you. Perhaps ‘tongues’ would be a more apt description.

But their patience must be exhausted, because now they were eager. When the first shadow touched you, it did not let go. It held on with what felt like fine needles, or perhaps teeth, a formless yet sharply cut dark shape on your forearm, only a touch darker than the natural shadow cast by your cloak. With a rustle of movement, the rest moved closer. So plentiful they were, so thick, that they obscured your vision completely, until you were not sure whether one had covered your eyes or if it was only you staring into the mouth of an utter absence of light. 

Though you could not see them, you could feel them. They layered themselves onto the places shadows first should be and then where they shouldn’t. Something closed over your nose and when you opened your mouth to breathe, crept inside like ice water down your throat. In the few spaces the shadows did not cover or had moved from, your skin was dark, a purplish-black, and dry like scales.

When you awakened, there was a new pile of berries on the tree stump, and, making your way into the forest, the sun was rising over distant hills.  

#genshin impact x reader #cyno #cyno x reader #dark sorcerer!cyno

[themswritinwords]

The Hundred Fifty Seven Deaths of the Immortal Ethan Ellis: Cast profiles: Ethan Ellis

The man himself (Ethan) - he/him; 24 years old biologically, 310 years old chronologically; Quietly Depressed Optimist in Desperate Need of a Hug and a Nap

Depressed, traumatized, self-sacrificial, dysfunctional, exhausted--what's not to relate to love?

Just woke up during his own autopsy. That's definitely not going to unearth any poorly-buried Issues!

What do you mean endless gallows humor and self deprecation aren't healthy coping mechanisms?

*slaps bruised and blood-stained noggin* This bad boy can fit so much mental illness and metaphor in him.

The result of a necromancer-wannabe's attempts at immortality; ex-human-guinea-pig with all of the attendant moral, philosophical, and psychological conundrums that come with death being a temporary condition.

One of three "successful" experiments. The other two adjusted pretty well, all things considered. Ethan did not.

Alas, they didn't have therapy in colonial America. You know what they did have, though? An abundance of dangerous life paths and causes worth dying for. That's not gonna reinforce any dangerous thought patterns or unhealthy mental states, I'm sure!

Longest streak between deaths has been just shy of 4 years. All but one of them has been his own dang fault. He is fully aware of this, but in a deeper sense, he is entirely unaware of this.

Always cared more about others than himself. This got infinitely worse when he realized he could die without consequences (supposedly).

Animals hate him! and no that is not just the start of a clickbait article. Every animal he's met since getting immortal'd has tried to put him back in the ground. He used to be a cat person, though.

Chronically friendless and self-isolated. People don't handle the dead guy coming back to life very well, and he's gotten more than one witness in life-ruining trouble by reviving in front of them. He finds it easier to just stay away from people on all but a surface level. (Again, I can't imagine that's going to cause problems down the line....)

Travels like an overripe peach, which is to say he is the King of Motion Sickness

Repeated resurrection has turned the man into a caloric dumpster. Over the course of a day and a half he consumes ~30 chicken nuggets, four burgers, a large fry, a medium bag of chips, a popsicle, and half a cup of ice and he's still desperately hungry.

Flip flops between annoying little brother energy and annoyed big brother energy depending on who he's arguing with at the time.

Wants: Everyone and Everything to leave him tf alone (also a shower)

Needs: One good reason to live and way fewer reasons to get himself killed

Immediate goals: Keep his only friends from getting dragged down with him and all his issues

Long term goals: None, and that's rather the point (not that this is a recurring theme in my characters or anything....)

Character arc can best be described as: that quote that's like "Dying is easy, living is hard;" the shift from hope, caring, and love as passive traits to hope, caring, and love as active choices worth making

Favorite things about writing him

The Catharsis. There's a reason so many of my OCs end up with mental illnesses and unhealthy patterns of thought. Ethan is just the most explicit of these self-inserts.

The snarcasm and humor were both challenging and so fun. I'm not a witty person by nature, so it took a bit of perspective shift to get right. I think I got better a dialogue overall by writing him.

He's a very internal and thought-ful person, and it was an interesting balance to write. He always thinks more than he says and feels more than he thinks.

Not to toot my own horn, but his third act breakdown and "Oh Sh*t" moment were a delight to write and some of my strongest writing moments.

His voice is very informal and sarcastic, and it was fun to write genuine horror in a goofball, this-might-as-well-happen sort of way.

#writing #original writing #original character #oc #ethan ellis #my writing #creative writing #novel manuscript #writeblr #thfsdotiee

[wisteria-whump]

effects of hunger: for your whumpy consideration

ik from experience hunger has some very not fun effects so im here to share 😁 idk what's wrong with me cause i don't normally go very long between meals/snacks but i still sometimes have bad effects that show up more when i haven't eaten in like 5ish hours. idk im not a doctor.

possible tw: ed (no specific mentions of ed behaviors or anything but descriptions of hunger could be triggering to some ppl so take care of yourselves and stay safe)

hunger pains. literally the worst. what makes it even worse it that the pain makes you not wanna eat even though you have to if you wanna make it stop

nausea. idk about y'all but if i get too hungry i get so nauseous it's awful.

lightheadedness/dizziness. this is just a normal day to day thing for me but when i haven't eaten in a while it makes it a lot worse. especially in a hot shower i get so lightheaded i have to sit down and rush through the rest of the shower.

fatigue. if i need to eat but haven't yet then i can't go more than like 1.5 hrs on my feet/sitting up until i have to go lay down and eat something to feel better.

this kind of goes hand in hand with the lightheadedness but it gets its own bullet point cause i hate it so much: brief temporary blindness? like when i stand up too fast and get real lightheaded and heavy-feeling ill get those dark spots all over my vision but they obscure all of my vision so im like blind for a few second and just standing there like 🧍 unable to see

#what even is wrong with me? who knows! #im not too concerned cause most of this stuff only happens once every month or so #its probably fine tbh im a bit of a drama queen #whump #whump prompt #whump prompts #whump idea #whump writing #whump scenario #whump blog #tw whump #tw ed relapse #tw ed #tw ana #tw ana relapse #tw 4n4 #yes im going nuts with the tws i dont want people to see potentially triggering stuff if theyve got tags blocked #better safe than sorry

[rin-and-jade]

Heya. Just wanted to see if you have any advice for a polyfragmented system really struggling with feeling fake bc of splitting a lot of alters at once? Pur host is so super distressed because he feels Like we are subconsciously faking DID or twisting symptoms of another health issue to fit being a system.

Some encouragement or advice would be greatly appreciated.

--wildwood and co

Well, im going to say that everyone don’t have the same tolerance in handling stress (usually the cause of splits and whatnot) and that makes perfect sense because everyone has their own little spectrum, which includes you. Be it a person who is at the lowest spectrum possible, the middle, or the highest,, people who have yet tried to accept the way it is tend to say things like “it’s not bad enough” or “it feels bad enough that it looks fake because I don’t think it works that way” with no end.

Trying to justify by saying it’s fake, it’s not bad, it’s something else,, might make you end up a bit worser than where you had started because this feeling you have in your gut that just doesn’t sit right with all of those doubts and people’s experiences is still in there scuffing you in and out. Convincing ourselves that we’re faking an illness also doesn’t make the illness go away because if we really ARE faking it would’ve just went away.. as we wished. And that’s what is keeping us in a spiral.

Now i know this doesn’t feel like a positive encouragement but nevertheless im trying to say what’s the truth in the best way, minimum sugar coating, straight to the point and got some good answers. Some people don’t like it covered in glitter especially me, but people do like advices unlike something that’s taken out of google, so im writing three steps for you here;

Acceptance: first off, most important, try to stop denying it (thinking its fake) and see what happens. It feels bad for a moment, but it makes you a bit free doesn’t it? Let me tell you mine: i kept convincing myself i am all fine, all good, im a good person im not bad,, those things and the next second it contradicts itself every 5 fucking seconds. Because everyone isn’t immune to problems, neither about not percieved as a bitch in someone’s eyes because there’s always those people who hates peaches even if you taste the best. And when i started telling myself i have some bad parts it feels like seeing in a new perspective of the situation.

2. Grey thinking: acceptance is the first step to eliminating most of the problems we have be it denial and whatnot. But if you still think in extremities that will push you down the hole hard, we need to comprehend the middle area, again using my anecdote before where i scale myself either “bad” and “good”,, that seem so hard to comprehend and categorize the real perspective so by having the middle, as “i am good because i care about people and im also bad because i tend to be selfish” really puts me on a sweet spot where i don’t get distressed and tunnel vision. Now we are closer to being healthier in thinking.

3. Profit!: once we got the self acceptance and grey thinking down, we got ourselves an easy way to prevent another relapse of thoughts (the “oh god am i faking?!”). This is where people can have a better time using their mental capacity for healing the damaging mindset or learning how to cope better (splitting less) and i call that a win. Last advice is that we should never give this monster the food it wants (your negative thoughts to spiral down) so sometimes we can just ignore it, what gives,, im a bad person? Probably in a temporary moment all good. And it’ll actually go away by itself, with every thoughts easier to handle.

With a decent amount of practice, this shall no longer be a problem, so go get ‘em tiger.

- j

#did #actually did #did community #did system #did osdd #dissociative identity disorder #plural #system stuff #sysblr #janswersask

[meditating-dog-lover]

Health Updates May 28, 2023

So I've been feeling much much much better recently. I felt so miserable and unhealthy for the past few years and felt like I was physically (and mentally) declining. I didn't have any severe or dire illness or symptom, but a bunch of unpleasant systemic symptoms happening and adding up caused me to feel unwell and miserable and hopeless. I did a mineral scan at a holistic dentist's office and it turns out I had many nutritional deficiencies and some heavy metal exposure.

I started supplementing since then and have been feeling a lot better. My skin is healthier looking, my nails don't break as easily and are sturdy, my angular chilitis disappeared, I don't have dry nor irritated lips anymore, my hand eczema is looking better (zinc combined with some plain old Vaseline did the trick) - while I do deal with some dryness, I do not have deep cuts and flareup anymore, I feel more energetic and optimistic, I recover quickly when I'm sick, my teeth sensitivity is gone and can drink cool water without any problems (glad that I am taking phosphorus as it's hard to find a supplement with phosphorus), and less cravings for sugar and junk. So overall, I feel much healthier.

I do plan on going back to that holistic dental practice to do a retest (they told me to come back 2-3 months if I want to do a rescan). So I'm going to be doing that and I hope my deficiencies end up looking better. I'm still going to supplement even after doing the scan and I know some deficiencies take a bit longer to correct than others, but I just want to ensure that I'm getting out of the deficiency range for each vitamin and mineral. I have also been taking some chlorella for omega-3 and heavy metal chelation (trying to find ways to reduce heavy metals). I also wanted to meet with a holistic doctor sometime to talk about this and to also get a gut health evaluation so I know if I have any issues and if I need to alter my diet or to take and probiotics/prebiotics/digestive enzymes. Probiotics should be taken cautiously as the gut microbiome is delicate and altering it can lead to some adverse effects. So it's best to take a supplement if absolutely needed and to also make sure I'm taking the right kind of bacteria.

While I did see a holistic dentist for my health concerns, I have also made some changes to my oral health routine. I'm using a new toothbrush and toothpaste and ditched mouthwash. I've also started using woven floss since it cleans better than the gliding floss I've been using all this time (I use Cocofloss). Only issue is that floss is pretty expensive, so I'm on the lookout for a more cost-effective floss with the same texture. Also oral probiotics are super helpful too. I don't want to bombard myself with too many new products and supplements, but I'm still looking for a cheaper floss alternative, wondering if I really need to floss in the morning/water floss and if I need to consistently take an oral probiotic. I had a question about my gum health which I will be asking my dentist about and then we can decide what to do from there. I think simply switching up my toothbrush, toothpaste, and floss helps with that. Not sure if I really need to water floss or oral probiotics. We will see. Vitamin C can help with this too.

So overall I am so happy I've been taking measures to improve my health holistically. People think holistic medicine is pseudoscience, antivaxxer/treat health problems with essential oils and prayer and healing crystals nonsense. But what it really is - looking at the root cause of health problems instead of addressing symptoms by giving temporary quick fixes like pain meds, antibiotics, ointments, etc. The root cause of many health issues is stress, poor diet, poor sleep, insufficient physical activity, nutritional deficiencies, hormonal imbalances, poor gut health, and heavy metal exposure. So I hope. toaddress each and every point so I can lead a happy and healthy life.

[living-with-cml]

Things People Say

This is mostly just me venting, but I have had a lot of really STUPID and unhelpful things said to me in the last five years. For the most part, I am able to let it roll off of me and chalk it up to good intentions, or at worst, ignorance. But there are two that have really gotten to me - one just yesterday.

The first one (and I’m paraphrasing) was that if I was just more optimistic my cancer and treatment and subsequent side effects would improve and I’d get better. Excuse me! What?! There are several problems with this. 1) I cannot Pollyanna my way out of having cancer 2) I’ve always been a realist. This is not to be confused with pessimism. With everything in my life, I face it head on and all the possibilities - good and bad. This is a basic part of who I am, and I am not changing it b/c you don’t think it’s how I should approach my (read MY, not your) cancer 3) No one (and I mean NO ONE) has the right to tell another person how to feel - about anything, but especially about their own illness.

Yesterday, an individual that has barely seen me in the last 5 years said that they were talking to another CML patient and that I should know that I can have a normal life, and some don’t even require treatment. Whew! What a relief! ONE stranger said it to another nonexpert, so it must be true (*heavy sarcasm*). Let’s not even talk about how wildly inaccurate this is. As in, treatment is an immediate necessity unless you want to die, and it is still recommended for a lifetime. However, they are trialing letting people off for treatment-free periods as long as the numbers stay down. I had so many health issues and complications from the cancer and treatment (some of which were life-threatening and some that affected my vision), that for me it was the best choice at the time. It was not a decision myself or my doctor made lightly, and I have very little wiggle room before resuming treatment, whenever that may be. But rest assured, this random person says I can have a normal life (eye roll). Yeah, if by “normal” you mean still being in pain every day and fatigue worsening to the point I had to start PT for cancer fatigue - even with 6 mos. off the chemo. If by “normal” you mean that the number of pills I need to take every day just to function keeps increasing because of conditions that were caused by the treatment or the cancer itself - anemia that keeps worsening, a swallowing disorder, loss of appetite, altered taste, getting sick at the drop of a hat and staying sick for weeks or months, balance issues, the aforementioned pain, walking, the handicap sticker that has switched from temporary to more long-term last month, and the list goes on. I used to have perfect eyes and teeth, too which is no longer true. Can I live for a long time with this cancer? Yes. Is it what I would call “normal”? No! Not even close! I am very lucky to here, but I cannot stand when someone diminishes everything I have been through because their own experience has been (thankfully) different. And when someone that knows me, takes that more to heart than what I’ve gone through. EVERY CANCER PATIENT IS DIFFERENT AND HAS A UNIQUE PERSPECTIVE ON IT! THERE ARE NO TWO EXPERIENCES THAT ARE ALIKE! So, stop trying to fit me into the box you think I should be in or someone else tells you I should be in. Every day has been a struggle, but I still get up and fight. Saying anything less about my journey is condescending and reductive and takes away just how hard I’ve worked to get where I am. 

I am still here. But it took a lot to get me to the place I’m in now. And I didn’t do it alone. I know that. But, comments like this are so not helpful. There’s a difference between being positive and supportive, and just being dismissive. Do your family and friends with cancer a favor, and don’t say things like this. And for goodness sakes, just listening to their story goes a long way, too. I think we all want to be seen and heard <3 <3 <3

#CML #Cancer #Venting #Support #thingsnottosay #listen #notnormal #and that's okay #i'm not okay #Still snuck an MCR reference in

[supplementnews]

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[diaryoftheunidropout]

DAY 50

Very brief message because it's 3:30AM and all I want is to SLEEP.

I made the reckless decision to brutally go off antidepressants completely just so I can experience the full syptoms of whatever mental illness(es) I have so I can get a better and hopefully more accurate diagnosis and be take more seriously next time I see a psychiatrist.

Three days ago I felt EXTREMELY anxious for asbolutely no reason at all. I wanted to go to the restaurant, I went, and almost as soon as I stepped foot out of my flat, I got anxious. Over nothing. I just FELT anxious. And I was also super irritated by everything. That was the case yesterday too, and a little bit today as well, but it really is less and less.

These past two days I've been feeling super motivated and happy. I can get lots of stuff done and I want to get lots of stuff done. I believe in crazy shit like "I'm going to write a book and have it published" or "I'm going to study 3D animation" or "I'm going to become a tattoo artist". And to think 3 days ago I just thought I was going to do none of that and just work whatever job I'd be given...?

Anyway, I know this is probably very temporary and a relapse is probably going to kick in soon, hopefully in a week or two only, but it's probably more a matter of a couple of days.

I got my Heartstopper tattoo and I'm so so happy about it. I also love my tattoo artist. What I see in her is like... a 15 year older version of myself? We happen to have quite a lot in common except she is under medication that really treats her illness well and therefore she is pretty stable and enjoys her daily life, and that just gives me hope for my own future.

Anyway, I'll try to keep this blog updated more regularly, especially because I wanna keep track of how my mental state evolves, especially since I've had a hard time focusing and remembering anything lately, and also because whenever I feel bad I get sort of "black outs" and forget :')

See you soon hopefully

xx

Update:

I posted the first part at around 3/4AM so in order to update I must do it on the same post.

Around 2AM I felt peaceful and like I was about to fall asleep but I made the very stupid decision to reply to my grandma's messages knowing it was going to take me 2 hours. So at around 4/5AM, when I finally could go to bed, I felt super anxious, I felt like someone was in the room watching like lowkey paranoid. I think I even woke up in the middle of the night hearing someone's breath but honestly it was probably just mine obviously. I think I fell back asleep and woke up again a little before 12PM.

Then I knew I really had to finish preparing my trip to England which is just under two weeks away from now but it made me so fucking anxious. I still managed and ended up taking a lot of pleasure in it! I was pretty much laughing hysterically at everything.

Then I got up to get prepared because I'm getting my 2nd booster against Covid, which I was totally chill about until I left the house and almost had a full blown crisis with tears and anxiety, which I've been trying to fight for the past hour. It's only 10 mins til my appointment. I'm not scared of the shot in itself, I'm just too unstable. I'm not even sure the vaccine in itself is the real cause of my mental anguish, I think it's mostly because I promised myself after this shot I would stop wearing my mask, which should be liberating but instead makes me feel miserable.

We're the 21st of April and it's day 3 (I think) with no medication at all. I refrain from taking anything, not even a bit of medication against anxiety.

At some point I tried to remember what I did yesterday and just couldn't for about a minute. I still feel dizzy when I walk most of the time. When I say or think about the words "death" I just wanna cry. I wish I could die to end the suffering right as I'm writing this but when I think of dying I just get traumatizing flashbacks from my dad's death.

I'm trying to sit down somewhere and collect myself because I really must not cry in front of some poor strangers working at the pharmacy. They haven't done anything to deserve to see me like this.

I am so in pain right now. I wish a doctor would listen and try to help.

[musclesandspells]

Open Starter : Modern 'Terror' AU

┅ ┅ ┅ ┅ ┅

The wind was howling in what felt like permanent darkness, tugging at the flaps of tents as if making an effort to get inside. The people huddled together inside those makeshift shelters had no trouble understanding how it was, exactly, that Sir Franklin's expedition got lost in search of the Northwest Passage.

Technology had advanced since 1845. They could, at any moment, identify exactly where they were via the wonders of satellite mapping. They could track the path they had taken from Gjoa Haven to their base camp, and from there...

From there, they could find where it was, exactly, that they had been forced to take shelter. Even their equipment was, theoretically, better than what the Franklin expedition had carried. Everything that they had in their packs was intended to help them survive.

The Arctic had not changed, and it did not care about the advancements of man. The group had been forced to take shelter by a storm that had swept up seemingly out of nowhere, pelting them with balls of ice the size of baseballs and larger. All of them wore bruises from the assault, and from their efforts to get their shelters erected in the midst of the storm. The fabric of those tents was strong, reinforced, but it still bowed beneath the pelting ice and howling wind. One of the tents, at least, gained a hole that allowed cold to seep in.

Was this what those ill fated men had experienced? Had they known something like the wrath of an unfeeling God?

After the storm had passed, they had all made an effort to make the shelters more secure. There was an unspoken knowledge amongst all of them that they'd need to move as soon as possible. The tents were not meant to be anything more than temporary, and they wouldn't stand in the way of a hungry polar bear.

They had yet to see a single one of the great white beasts that was not overly lean. A bear had tracked them for miles between Gjoa Haven and their base camp, an ever present threat that kept them moving forward and thankful for the help of the people indigenous to the area who knew how to cross the land even when it was too cold for a snowmobile. That bear had given up, but none of them had forgotten that sensation of being hunted. Thousands of years of evolutionary warnings could not be tossed aside by the advancement of technology. They all became familiar with the feeling of their hair standing on end, an ingrained warning that something was there. Something was watching. Something... was hungry.

A woman by the name of Ivalu had warned them about going beyond their base camp, before they had left Gjoa Haven. She was adamant that they not go past the base camp, that they not follow the paths that the bears walked out into the barren landscape. Her warning wasn't the kind that they'd heard before. It wasn't the standard warning about the wildlife, or the lack thereof in areas. No, it was a warning about... something else. Tuurngaq was the word Ivalu spoke, but it wasn't what they repeated back to her.

They said Tuunbaq. Even their translator said Tuunbaq.

Their translator didn't have a meaning for that word. It wasn't something that she had ever heard in the Netsilik dialect of Inuktitut -- or any other dialect, for that matter. It took some time and conversation for her to arrive at the conclusion that Ivalu was trying to warn them of something close to a tupilaq, something she had heard of from the Caribou Inuit. Close. Not exact. It was not a tupilaq that she was speaking of. She meant exactly what she had said: tuurngaq. The translator's unfamiliarity with the Kalaallisut word caused frustration to flare on both sides.

Eventually, Ivalu would not tell them more, only repeating that they needed to stay away from the Tuurngaq's land. She had marked the proverbial point of no return on one of their paper maps, and that was the end of the conversation.

They had not brought the map with them. If they had, they would have been able to compare the satellite imagery that pin pointed their exact location to it. They would have known that they were currently less than a mile over the sharply drawn line on the paper map that indicated the land that they should not set foot on. It was the same land that held the memory of the horrors Franklin's ill-fated expedition had seen just as dearly as it held their bones.

A decision was made to try and sleep since they'd already put in the effort to erect shelters and exhaustion was setting in. Decisions were made about a watch schedule and a time to disembark was agreed upon.

The first watch passed uneventfully, with nothing to report but the howling of the wind. It wasn't until half way through the second watch that something felt... strange. Something out in the darkness that surrounded the camp was watching, its gaze making even the deepest sleeper among them restless from the sensation of hair raising on the back of the neck.

Something moved beyond the darkness at the edge of the camp.

#Oh no I had an idea #The Terror RP #Horror RP #Historical RP #modern terror AU #Tuunbaq RP #non-Terror muses are welcome to join the vibe check #I am what happens when the forever DM RPs

[zwellness]

Is Addiction a Disease or a Choice?

Article originally published on https://zwellness341401871.wordpress.com/2023/02/07/is-addiction-a-disease-or-a-choice/ Does addiction fall into the same category as diabetes or high blood pressure? The answer depends on whom you ask. Those who have struggled with an addiction will say their disease drove them to seek bliss in substances, while those who have not will point to the harmful choices an addict makes. In many ways, these are two sides of the same coin. The biggest difference is how we approach treatment for it. While some countries view addictions as a moral failing or a chronic disease that can be treated through medication, others look at it as a matter of choice and self-restraint. Let’s take a look at what we know about this controversial topic and where we stand today.

What is addiction?

Addiction is a complex and often misunderstood condition that affects people of all ages and socioeconomic backgrounds. It is characterized by an uncontrollable drive to use a substance, regardless of negative social, personal, and health consequences. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) defines substance use disorders as “characterized by clinically significant impairment in one or more important areas of functioning (e.g., at work, home, or school; within a social context; or in one’s health).” This can include a range of issues including physical, psychological, and behavioral health issues as well as issues related to one’s work, relationships, or other aspects of one’s life. If someone is addicted to drugs, alcohol, or anything else, they have an addiction. Sometimes, an addiction can be a bad habit or cravings that interfere with daily life. Other times, it can be a mental illness with serious health and social consequences.

Does addiction have a cause?

There is no medical condition known as addiction, and there is no specific path that leads a person to become addicted. Addiction is a behavioral, sociological issue that people struggle with. The causes of addiction are complex and may include environmental, genetic, and other factors. The fact that addiction is a complex issue means it has many potential treatments. Some addicts choose treatment, while others need it. People who are addicted may also be able to recover on their own if they are willing to make the effort.

Does addiction require treatment?

Yes. Someone who has an addiction to drugs, alcohol, or other substances may benefit from treatment. Addiction is often a complex issue that involves many different aspects of a person’s life. It can cause problems in areas like finances, relationships, health, and work. Some people may struggle with addiction to substances, while others may struggle with depression or other mental health issues. In these cases, treatment may be necessary to address all the issues at play. Addiction is not a cause for shame or embarrassment. It is a serious illness that can cause serious harm to a person’s life, their family, and their loved ones. It is important to seek help so that the person suffering from addiction can receive the treatment they need to get better and lead a healthy life.

Addictive substances

Drugs, whether they are natural (such as marijuana) or synthetic (such as crystal meth), can cause serious damage to the brain. The chemicals in these substances alter brain function, which affects how a person feels and thinks. This can leave a person feeling euphoric or anxious, depending on how often they use the substance. Drugs can cause permanent damage to the brain, which can lead to addiction, but most drugs cause temporary changes that people can recover from. The key is coping with these changes in a healthy way.

The 12 steps of Alcoholic Anonymous

AA is a self-help program for alcohol addiction. It was founded in 1935 by a group of alcoholics in Akron, Ohio, and has since expanded to more than 100 countries. AA has 12 steps that are meant to help addicts recover. The program is designed to help an addict make healthy decisions through rigorous self-reflection, as they attempt to address their problems while working to stop using alcohol. AA can be incredibly beneficial for people struggling with alcohol addiction. It is a helpful program that offers support and guidance while acting as a source of information for those looking to better their lives.

Why do people become addicted?

There are many reasons why someone might become addicted to substances, including a poor coping mechanism for life’s difficulties. Someone may abuse drugs or alcohol because it feels good, provides a brief escape from reality, or relieves stress. If someone develops an addiction, it means they need the substance to feel normal. AA is not a treatment for addiction itself; it is a support network for people who are attempting to get better. Addiction is a serious illness, and it is important to seek help. However, many people find that they can overcome addiction on their own if they are willing to make the effort.

Should we treat addictions as a disease?

There are some who argue that addiction should be viewed as a disease, like diabetes or high blood pressure. This perspective is based on the idea that addiction is caused by a biological malfunction in the brain that leads a person to self-destruct via substance abuse. Some researchers believe that addiction is a disease because of the biological changes that occur in the brain. The reward circuit that tells the brain “do this again” when someone consumes a substance is activated in the same way when someone eats a delicious meal. This means that when someone consumes a substance, their brain gets the same “alert” as when they experience pleasure from eating.

Conclusion

Addictions can be very damaging, both to the person who uses drugs and the people around them. However, there are ways to tackle these issues, and most people are able to overcome an addiction on their own if they are willing to make the effort. It may be helpful to seek professional help if you or your loved one is struggling with an addiction. People who have been addicted to drugs and alcohol may also benefit from treatment through rehabilitation, which is a specialized program designed to help people recover from drug and alcohol abuse.

Zorba Wellness - rehabilitation center in Mumbai, can help you or your loved ones get rid of addiction issues.

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[colorado-addiction-treatment]

WHAT IS PORN ADDICTION?

From a young age, people learn that watching pornography is taboo. Though most people are exposed to porn in their teen years, it’s made clear by teachers, parents, and media that viewing it is shameful. Porn isn’t inherently evil. Not everyone watching porn will get addicted. But for those who become obsessed with watching porn, it can have devastating consequences. 

The stigma surrounding porn addiction may make it difficult to seek help and get treatment. What is porn addiction? It’s when you find that you can’t stop watching porn and it’s disrupting your life. Millions of people worldwide experience porn addiction. There are effective methods of treatment for porn addiction that can pinpoint the root cause of the addiction and help you heal.

What is Porn Addiction?

Porn addiction is when a person compulsively views porn to the point that they become emotionally dependent on it. They can’t stop, and their pornography habit affects their everyday life. Porn addiction is a hypersexuality disorder, which refers to an obsession with sexual fantasies or urges. 

Watching porn frequently doesn’t mean you’re addicted. You’re experiencing porn addiction if it becomes a major focus in your life, interferes with your daily life, and you can’t quit, despite trying. If porn has disrupted your relationships, finances, or work, it’s time to get help.

Like other addictions, porn addiction operates through the principles of operant conditioning. The more you watch porn, the more the behavior is reinforced. You experience pleasure from watching porn which keeps you coming back for more. You become dependent on the “reward,” which influences you to continue the behavior. 

People don’t commonly discuss porn addiction, but the rates of those affected are climbing, estimated to be anywhere from about 4.5% to 10% of people. So, what makes porn addiction so easy to fall into? It comes down to the “triple-A” impact: accessibility, affordability, and anonymity. 

Despite being a private or intimate activity, almost anyone anywhere can access porn whenever they want. With one click, you can connect to endless content. While some porn sites charge a subscription, many operate for free or low cost. With private browsers and a quick “erase history,” records of porn use are gone, making it easy to hide from others. 

Why People Use Pornography  

The draw to watching porn doesn’t just stem from wanting to feel aroused for some people. Pornography can be a coping method a person uses to soothe or calm themselves in stressful or challenging situations. It serves as a temporary escape, but it fails long-term. The longer your porn use continues, the more difficult it is to stop because this adverse coping mechanism rewires your brain.

Experts say the same brain activity is triggered by porn addiction as drug or alcohol addiction. Pornography connects the circuits in your brain associated with reward, motivation, and memory. Much like those experiencing substance addiction, people addicted to porn experience intense cravings. You become absorbed by the anticipation of watching porn. But when you finally get your fix, it’s not all you thought it would be. You can become irritable or hostile until you get your next hit. It’s a vicious cycle holding you hostage. 

Reasons for pornography include:

Coping. When you experience an orgasm from watching porn, your brain gets a “high.” You feel a release of endorphins and opiates and attach them to the image of porn. That release feels good and blocks pain receptors. If you are experiencing an imbalance of these chemicals due to depression or other mental illnesses, porn can make you feel better. But it’s not a permanent solution. The longer you continue using porn as an artificial medicine, the higher your tolerance becomes until you eventually can’t experience the same pleasure you did before. The “solution” becomes the addiction. 

Avoiding. Those who use porn to avoid feelings of intimacy may have difficulty forming or maintaining intimate relationships. You may feel disconnected during sex or irritated that real sexual acts don’t match your fantasy world. It can cause distress and strife in relationships if you blame your partner for issues, even if it stems from your porn addiction. Detaching from true intimacy and preferring porn to real life is at the core of avoidance. 

Escaping. Someone who experienced abuse, neglect, bullying, or other trauma in their childhood or adult life may use porn to escape the trauma. Porn is a fantasy world. Watching porn can make you feel desired, wanted, powerful, or even loved. If you haven’t experienced these feelings naturally, it can be freeing to escape to the virtual world of porn. It feels safe.  

Spotting Porn Addiction 

Watching porn can quickly escalate from a habit to a debilitating addiction. There’s no official amount of how much porn is too much, so reflecting on your habits will help you determine if you should seek treatment. 

If watching porn intensifies to the point of compulsive, uncontrollable behavior, it can cause long-term damage that takes time and effort to repair. When porn gets in the way of day-to-day activities and plays a central role in your life, it may be time to get help, especially if you find you can’t stop on your own. 

If you’re concerned about your porn consumption habits, there are signs you can look for to determine if you’re experiencing porn addiction. 

Signs of porn addiction include:

Increased porn use

Feeling guilty about watching 

Inability to control your urges

No longer enjoying sex

Watching porn in inappropriate settings

Spending excessive time watching porn or money on porn

Feeling an insatiable need

Increased tolerance for more extreme or violent porn

Consuming thoughts of porn

Neglecting responsibilities to view more porn

Feeling like you need a porn “fix”

Experiencing low self-esteem

Losing sleep 

Having difficulty controlling your emotions

Losing track of time due to watching porn 

Hiding your porn watching from loved ones

Lack of interest in socializing 

Experiencing sexual dysfunction

Porn Addiction and the Brain

It’s more than just pleasure bringing you back for more. In fact, many people with porn addictions say they don’t enjoy watching porn but still can’t stop. That’s because watching porn affects your brain’s neurochemistry. 

When someone has a porn addiction, it hijacks their brain’s reward system. The reward system processes dopamine, one of the body’s neurotransmitters. Porn hardwires your brain into thinking continuous dopamine stimulation is normal. The next time you watch, the brain remembers that stimulation and reacts accordingly. The more you watch, the more reinforced the behavior becomes. Your reward system becomes trained to expect porn and expect it often. 

Additionally, oxytocin and vasopressin, hormones related to memory, tie the memory of viewing porn to sexual pleasure. Repetition of the behaviors means these chemicals are continuously released. It’s difficult to stop something that feels good to your brain.

When you continuously experience bursts of dopamine, the brain goes into overdrive, overproducing more dopamine than it can handle. It starts to become desensitized to normal stimuli, meaning you need more extreme porn to get the same fix. You’ll start to experience downregulation, which is when receptors make your brain and body less receptive to the substance you’re seeking. Essentially, you build tolerance by shutting down the receptors in your brain.

You begin to develop cravings, and they’re impossible to control. The brain forms a chemical dependence and tolerance for these cravings, and they increase compulsively. It’s all about recreating that initial dopamine high and satisfying your cravings.

When you repeatedly expose your brain to porn, it causes the frontal lobe to shrink. This portion of the brain is responsible for decision-making and willpower. It becomes more difficult to recognize the negative impact porn has on your life and take action against it. 

To fulfill your cravings, sexual behavior can escalate. The typical porn that used to make you feel good doesn’t do the trick anymore. You might seek out more explicit or violent porn. This response can lead to acting out risky sexual behaviors in real life. Suddenly, the problem isn’t confined to your computer screen but has real-world consequences. 

Repercussions of Porn Addiction

Porn addiction is a multifaceted problem that can devastate many aspects of your life. It’s clear how quickly the addiction can escalate out of your control and take a toll on your relationships, health, and well-being. 

Effects of pornography addiction include:

Physical Health Issues. Porn can quickly take priority over basic care, like getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, or performing basic hygiene. It also can negatively affect your ability to perform sexually, including causing erectile dysfunction.

Altered Self-Esteem. Those experiencing porn addiction often feel guilt and shame about it. It can cause serious distress to your emotional and mental health and deprive a person of their self-esteem and self-concept.

Mental Health Issues. Aside from issues with self-esteem, pornography addiction also can result in or exacerbate other mental health conditions like depression or anxiety.

Damaged Relationships. Porn addiction can harm your relationships with loved ones. Hiding or lying about your addiction affects trust with your partner. It builds a wedge in your relationship by causing intimacy issues or infidelity. Porn addiction can also affect friendships. Some people may feel as if they are living a double life, making it more difficult to form honest friendships. They also withdraw from others, harming relationships.

Legal and Financial Problems. Addiction only gets more intense. As their need for more porn increases, so does the risk, which is why some people turn to expensive or illegal porn to fulfill their needs.

Determining the Root Causes 

So, what causes someone to become addicted to porn? Like most addictions, there isn’t always a singular contributor to porn addiction, but unresolved trauma is the most common cause of addiction. People use pornography to deal with adverse feelings resulting from past trauma. Then, before they know it, they’ve turned to pornography to feel better so many times that it’s an addiction. They can’t stop.

Leading sex addiction expert, Dr. Patrick Carnes, found that “97% of people with sex addiction suffered emotional abuse in childhood or adolescence, while 81% percent suffered sexual abuse.” When a child experiences trauma, the part of the brain responsible for processing emotion and memory shrinks. Trauma also affects other parts of the brain, like decision-making, self-regulation, and fear processing.

Trauma in childhood doesn’t go away if left unprocessed. It’s not unusual for people to experience symptoms of childhood trauma in adulthood. Unprocessed trauma that happens in adulthood also can result in addiction. Turning to coping methods like porn is common since your brain attaches a positive sentiment to the behavior. It can provide temporary relief or distraction from trauma. 

Dr. Gabor Mate´, author of the best-selling book, “Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction,” said: “Addiction is not a choice that anybody makes; it’s not a moral failure. What it actually is: it’s a response to human suffering.”

Recognizing Withdrawal Symptoms

Like any other addiction, cutting off porn for good has negative side effects that can be uncomfortable and disrupt your life. It’s important to recognize common porn withdrawal symptoms and how to overcome them to help you on your road to sobriety.

Nate Geyer, Primary Therapist at Begin Again Institute, said a person can identify the symptoms of pornography withdrawal by considering how they feel and noting how those feelings align with what they know about the addiction.

Withdrawal symptoms can manifest in various ways, Nate said.  

“Under the surface, pornography withdrawal can impact one’s emotional and mental well-being,” he said. “Those experiencing withdrawal will notice increased irritability, higher anxiety, depressed mood, lack of presence in the moment, lack of empathy, and ultimately cravings for more pornography.”

Other porn withdrawal symptoms include:

Sleep disturbances

Headaches and stiffness or pain in other parts of your body

Fatigue and weakness

Agitation

Lashing out at people around you

Lack of focus or concentration (brain fog)

Nausea, fever, and other forms of sickness

Little or no sexual desire, known as a “flatline”

Excessive sexual thoughts

Depression, despair, and other forms of sadness

Mood swings

Avoiding socializing

Flashbacks or dreams about pornography

Managing Porn Withdrawal

Coping with pornography withdrawal symptoms can be challenging, but overcoming setbacks is possible. Managing porn withdrawals takes mental discipline. If you’re struggling, remind yourself of your goals and why you made them. You are more than your porn addiction, and you do have the ability to overcome it. 

Methods for managing porn withdrawal include:

Taking care of your physical health through sleep, healthy diet, hydration, and exercise

Not isolating yourself

Learning about your withdrawal symptoms so you understand them and what to expect

Changing your environment and removing temptations, such as electronic devices

Practicing meditation

Seeking professional help

Confiding in loved ones

Journaling about your experiences

Joining a support group

Finding replacement hobbies

Treatment for Porn Addiction

Healing from porn addiction is possible, but it takes mental discipline and patience. There are methods you can employ on your own, but you may need to seek professional treatment to overcome porn addiction long-term. Porn addiction isn’t likely to go away on its own, and you’ll probably need help identifying and treating the root cause to truly recover.

Individual approaches to stopping porn addiction include: 

Remove Access. Clear all electronic porn and bookmarks from your devices. Take away the temptation. If it’s no longer at your fingertips, it’s less likely to become your default habit. 

Block It. Install anti-porn software on your computer to prevent you from going back. You can’t access it if your devices don’t allow it. Asking someone else to install it can help with accountability.

Pre-Plan Activities. If you know you’ll experience the urge, find a replacement. By planning stimulating activities you enjoy, you can trick your brain into replacing the feeling of watching porn. 

Avoid Triggers. Know what your triggers are and avoid them. Reflect on your habits and when you feel most tempted. Stay away from images, places, or feelings that could cause you to relapse.

Control Use of Devices. Use your devices, like your cell phone or laptop, in public places. It’s more difficult to be discreet in front of others. Hold yourself accountable, and don’t let your device use become private.

Seek Support. Find an accountability partner. Confide in a trusted friend and ask for help. You’re more likely to stick to your goal with someone encouraging you.

Practice Self-Reflection. Journaling can help you track setbacks, reminders, and patterns in your behavior. Celebrate the wins you have each day.

Treatment for porn addiction may include: 

Psychotherapy. With the help of a mental health counselor, you can work together to understand the past events that led to your addiction. Over time, you can recognize maladaptive behaviors, determine your unmet needs, and implement coping strategies.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT). This treatment helps replace problematic behaviors through the principles of operant conditioning. This method makes an association between a behavior and a consequence with long-lasting effects. Utilizing this method, you can learn to manage your porn addiction and stop watching. 

In-Patient Treatment. An in-patient treatment center can help you remove the stressors of daily life while you work with counselors on healing and recovery.

Intensives. Intensives help you become steeped in the work of recovery for a short, intensive healing period. You can have 24/7 care and support to keep you on track.

Support Groups. Talking to people with similar experiences can be extremely validating, empowering, and healing. It helps diminish the shame often accompanying porn addiction, increasing self-esteem and a willingness to heal. Support groups can offer opportunities for an accountability partner to help encourage and empower you. 

Seeking treatment is an important step, but it won’t be easy. It’s important to know what to expect during treatment, so you can prepare for any negative emotions or past traumatic experiences that might come up.

Porn addiction requires a multifaceted approach to healing, said Ed Tilton, Regional Director of Integrative Life Network. He said it starts by being honest about how the addiction affects you and those you love. Then you have to commit to recovery.

“We lie to feed and justify our behavior,” he said. “The first thing you must do is get honest with yourself. Then you can start to see what kind of change is possible.”

Nate said it’s critical to seek community support during recovery. 

“Community provides a space for voices to be heard and experiences to be validated. It can be a space that nurtures, heals, and empowers. I truly believe in this mantra: ‘We do addiction in isolation, but heal in groups.’”

How Begin Again Institute Can Help

Healing from porn addiction is a learning experience. You must keep an open mind and be prepared to make lifestyle changes. It will take self-discipline to relearn behaviors and unlearn habits. But ultimately, it will be worth it, and your quality of life will improve.  

If porn addiction has consumed your life, damaged relationships, and made you unhappy with yourself, it’s time to change. At Begin Again Institute, we recognize the courage it takes to accept your addiction and seek help. Recovery is always possible, and we have the tools to help you achieve lasting results. 

Begin Again Institute is the oldest sex addiction treatment facility in the United States. We have a proven track record utilizing TINSA® (Trauma-Induced Sexual Addiction), a perspective for the treatment of sexual addiction that focuses on treating the root of addiction rather than the symptoms. 

Healing is possible for anyone willing to take the first step. Take back your life and experience the freedom of recovery. Contact us today for help that will improve your life.

Source: https://beginagaininstitute.com/blog/porn-addiction-what-is-it/

[uncongenialdullard]

I am not shielding my heart from the world, like some poor, pitiable soul in need of protection from the wickedness of others. Rather, I am shielding the world from myself, because even this meager, empty shell of me seems to cause disturbances wherever it goes. I don't believe, whether by feelings or by reason, that it could manage the whole of me. If pieces of me cannot find anywhere to fit, then surely my entire being would be even further removed from finding its own place to be.

I can't look down at myself. I don't want to see the ugly thing that writes these words. Or perhaps I do, just to see that it's still there, but I cannot bring myself to that. I don't want to think about that, so I keep a piano and the sound of the rain in my ears, so I don't have to focus on it.

Does it even matter if I continue this? No one keeps a record of things that don't matter. No one counts things that aren't worth counting. And I'm not something that matters or is worth counting or counting on.

I'm aware of that. Awareness is all that I have, and it eats me alive, burning through everything every second of the day until I end it by awarding myself my small, humble spell of death. I feel increasingly grotesque with every passing moment and every fleeting glimpse of my disgusting vessel makes me feel ill, to the point that am tempted to stimulate unpleasant memories in order to provoke similar, yet still different feelings, if only to get away from this. At least then, my feelings have some other kind of origin other than my spindly, repulsive self.

It's easier, remembering being defiled and bruised and mocked and violated and holding onto those things until the shape of them is engraved into my mind. It's easier instead of sitting here and knowing that I am detestable by all accounts. It's easier than sitting here, swallowing and willing away waves of nausea while I try not to consider myself and my condition in full.

Sometimes I want to be that little boy again. I want to be back in the room, in the dark, watching layers of shadows shift and morph into diminutive demons who paid me no mind because it wasn't yet my turn to be eaten. I want to be in the corner of my mother's closet again, in my favourite spot behind her cracked leather coat, hugging the sleeve and crying and wishing it were her comforting me instead of the mothers I made up for myself in my stories. I want to be back in that tiny, miserable space, thinking about what was done and where was touched and what was said and how I tainted I had just become.

I want that again, just so I'll have a reason to feel the way I do.

I want to feel dirty because I was sullied and not because I cannot stand myself.

I want to be clawing at my skin as if I were trying to rend my bone from within flesh, because I'm desperately trying to escape the lingering sensation of hands and tongues being where they don't belong and eyes seeing things I never wanted to share.

Recalling it feels better, like I thought it would. It gives the agony a source and keeps me from aimlessly hating myself just for the sake of self-loathing itself. It's a relief in comparison to what I felt a moment before. I must seem a tragic, contemptible wretch, to be surviving by feeding off of these memories. But even so, I enjoy burning with rage and cursing my supposed adversaries with all my feeble strength. I like having somewhere to direct these feelings. It's direction and purpose, the things I never seem to be able to find for myself.

It's a temporary fix, of course. I know how to solve everything, all at once. I've known it since I was a little boy leaning over the sill, eyes scintillating and heart roaring while I gazed downwards and swooned at the idea of being found with my organs dashed onto the pavement below, painted in the same sticky carmine I would draw from myself during my long, lonely hours. I've always wanted to die, and someday I'll need to, because I can't go on doing this forever. And I've always mourned my birth, wondered why it was that I had to come into being and not understanding the way that creation is so celebrated. I have never belonged here and I knew that from such a long time ago.

It's almost a bit startling, realising that. I cannot say it shocks me, because I always had some semblance of the fact that I did not and was not meant to be here.

What causes my awe is the way that I ignored and buried that feeling for so long while I foraged ahead and tried my best to mimic the people around me. I have no brilliant, shining talents, but still amazingly fooled myself and everyone else around me into believing I was present in this illusion. I so masterfully scripted and revised my entire self into a suitable character for this environment that I duped the entire world into thinking that I also desired to play in this miserable charade we've been participating in, but I've never been here at all.

I'm a hollow creature. I was a paper doll amongst children of flesh and blood, and now I am a marionette playing as a man. It's no wonder at all why I'm so resentful to myself. I hate the guise that I wear because it is one I donned in the context of portraying myself as someone rightfully belonging amongst the living.

Acknowledging that puts everything to rest again. It's relieving, knowing that that's all there is wrong with me. It makes me feel better, knowing that again, the way I did before and always have and never really forgot anyway. Maybe that's why the little boy with the dead eyes, dissimulating voice, and plangent heartbeat felt so at home in that dark, gloomy room all on his own: It's less upsetting to be displaced when one is absolutely certain of where he belongs.

And he knew so well that he didn't belong there, or anywhere at all.

[profoundjellyfishcrown]

A look at mental health counseling and why you may need it

 A look at mental health counseling and why you may need it

You may ask yourself, “Do I need mental health counseling?” Yes, you may need mental health counseling. A licensed counselor in San Diego can provide you with solutions to your problems and help you build skills to better cope with them. 

Feedback from a professional therapist can also help you find new perspectives on what is causing your distress so that you can find balance in your life. You may have reached the point where you feel like you need to talk to someone about your situation. But why? What is it that has you thinking about seeking a counselor? Are you feeling depressed? Do you have trouble sleeping? Are you experiencing anxiety or panic attacks? Are you struggling with relationship problems? Do you suffer from chronic pain or illness? If any of these things are happening to you, then it might be a good idea to seek professional help. A therapist can help you deal with these issues in a safe and confidential setting.

It's important to remember that not all mental health problems require counseling or therapy. If your problem is mild and temporary, it may not require professional intervention. However, if your symptoms are severe enough to affect your daily life, then it's time to speak with someone who understands what it's like to live with anxiety or depression, or any other condition that affects moods or emotions

Mental health counseling: How does it work?

 If you've ever felt like your emotions are too much to handle, it might be time to consider counseling. It's a safe way to talk about what's going on in your life and get support from a professional.

Coping mechanism - Mental health counselors can help with many issues, including depression, anxiety, stress, and trauma. They can also help you figure out how to cope with difficult situations, manage anger and improve relationships.

Identify what the problem is - Counseling is an active process that involves both the person who has concerns and the mental health professional. You'll work together to identify problems and goals for treatment, set up a plan for using counseling services, and make decisions about how long you'll stay in therapy.

Come up with a treatment plan - Your counselor will then help you come up with a treatment plan that fits your needs. This could include one-on-one sessions with the counselor or group therapy sessions with other clients who have similar issues. Some counseling sessions may be scheduled for specific times each week; others may be scheduled for whenever you need them. In some cases, sessions are done by telephone or online chat instead of in-person face-to-face.

If you're feeling worried or afraid about something and the worry is interfering with your daily life, it's time to seek help. If your anxiety is so severe that it keeps you from doing things you enjoy, it's time to seek help. If you feel like you're losing control over your emotions and behavior, it's time to seek help.

Name:  Melissa Pollock Intentional Therapy

Address:  4822 Kings Way, San Diego, CA, 92117,

Phone:  [phone]

[modernbeautyjournal]

Are You a Candidate for BOTOX®?

Many patients consider their smoother skin to be the result of a “miracle treatment” after receiving injections of BOTOX®. As the Ontario, Oregon-area team of skin specialists at CT Derm points out, the prescription medication can provide noticeable improvements to areas where certain wrinkles appear, but the effect is due to science, not anything mystical. To understand how it works—and who might best benefit from the treatment—it can be helpful to first understand how facial lines form.

A combination of chronological aging, sun exposure, repetitive movements of the face, and other stressors wear down the skin, causing areas that were once smooth and volumized to become wrinkled over time. It’s common for wrinkles to develop on the upper third of the face—on the forehead and around the eyes—due to the skin constantly being folded and stretched in these areas. The skin around the eyes is particularly thin and delicate, so it’s more likely to wrinkle.

Habitual facial movements like squinting, frowning, smiling, raising your eyebrows, and even blinking can eventually lead to the formation of lines—known as “dynamic wrinkles”—that make you appear angry, unhappy, or worried even when you’re not.

Injections of botulinum toxin type A products like BOTOX® have become increasingly popular since they were first introduced, and they have remained among the top non-surgical aesthetic treatments available in the United States for years. The reason for this popularity may be simple: The injectables work. Treatments temporarily decrease muscle activity by blocking the chemical signals from the nerves that stimulate contractions. With the muscles relaxed, the skin on the surface appears smoother. All of this happens within a few days of a treatment session, once BOTOX® starts working.

Even though this is a minimally invasive, low-risk, and temporary treatment that’s very accessible and has virtually no recovery time, it won’t necessarily be the best choice for every patient. That’s why you should discuss your situation and goals with your provider during your consultation. Be sure to ask about all of your treatment options, especially if you have multiple areas or signs of aging you would like to address. BOTOX® can temporarily disable muscles to reduce expression wrinkles, for example, but it can’t improve static wrinkles that are caused by a loss of volume or elasticity and are visible even when the face is at rest.

BOTOX® is intended for patients over the age of 18 who aren’t pregnant or nursing. Some patients respond better to this injectable than others, and the amount of improvement will vary from patient to patient. Read on to learn more about the factors that can make someone a good candidate for BOTOX®:

• Not being ready to have cosmetic surgery to address signs of aging

• Having good skin quality and minor skin laxity

• Crow’s feet, frown lines, or forehead lines affect the way you feel about your appearance

• Having moderate to severe facial wrinkles

• Having wrinkles that are located in areas that BOTOX® is approved to treat: around and between the eyes or on the forehead

• Being in good physical health, since—as with any medical procedure—the better health you’re in, the better the results are likely to be

• Having realistic expectations about what can be achieved and a positive outlook, since BOTOX® can enhance your appearance and make you look like a better version of yourself, but it won’t make you look like a different person

• Having no severe illnesses, no infections, and no history of neuromuscular diseases

• Having no existing weakness in the targeted muscle groups, ptosis (drooping eyelids), deep facial scars, very thick facial skin, pronounced facial asymmetry, or skin disorders on the intended injection sites

• Not being allergic to any ingredient found in BOTOX® or other botulinum toxin injectables

Keep in mind that BOTOX® isn’t the only treatment available to correct wrinkles on the face. If it turns out that BOTOX® is not right for you, your injector can recommend another type of treatment. For instance, chemical peels are often combined with BOTOX® to maximize results and can be used on their own for skin improvements. Skincare products, like Epionce, can also soften wrinkles.

Learn more about skin rejuvenation from the team at CT Derm. Call 208-452-7450 or fill out a contact form online to request an appointment.

#BOTOX #injectables #Ontario #Oregon #CT Derm #wrinkles

[inferni-inferno]

Poison Love

kaz brekker x reader, hanahaki disease au

part 1 | part 2

content warning: terminal illness, near death experience, blood

•••

“i don’t know what to do please, please tell me what to do to help you.”

kaz never says please.

it sticks out in your mind among everything else that’s beginning to become a haze. can you breathe? you feel a rattling in your chest but you aren’t sure.

kaz seems worried, you can’t remember why that was, your head feels too fuzzy. kaz was kneeling on the floor in front of you, cane discarded to the side.

why were you both on the floor? had you passed out?

inej’s voice filters in, sounding panicked for some reason. the words don’t register but you see her gesture to you, and the flowers scattered around you covered in blood. oh.

oh.

kaz found out.

kaz was saying something again, putting himself in your line of vision again to get your attention. “...you hear me?”

you nod, mostly sure you had understood what he meant.

“sorry.... bout the mess.” you laugh, but it causes you to just end up coughing. it feels like you’re underwater.

it’s more blood than petals now.

you feel a hand take yours. kaz. his hand is gloveless, clutching yours tightly. “you need to stay with us, okay?”

you nod, but you feel tired. maybe you can just close your eyes..

“come back please!” it’s someone else’s voice now, were they talking to you?

you open your eyes again. somehow you’ve been moved without your noticing. your head is resting in inej’s lap and something cool has been placed on your forehead. your chest hurts.

“what happened?” your throat burns horribly when you speak.

“you fell unconscious. there was something blocking your airway and we uh, pulled it out.” jesper says awkwardly. he’s pointing to a flower, stalk and all, that they must have managed to free from your throat.

“it’s... a temporary fix for now. you can breathe better right?” inej says hopefully.

you nod, deciding it’s better not to speak with your throat hurting so much.

kaz is still holding onto your hand. he hasn’t come any closer, but he also hasn’t moved further away.

you’d never seen him worried before. even on jobs gone bad, it was never more than a slight downturn of his lips in a frown.

now as you looked at him, his eyes were wide with fear.

that was your fault. you have an apology ready but before saying anything, you are immediately shushed by everyone in the room.

“if the next words out of your mouth are ‘i’m sorry’ i will scream.” jesper threatens. his eyes are red, had he been crying?

“i need a moment alone with them.” kaz looks pointedly at inej and jesper when they hesitate to leave. “i’ll yell for you if there’s trouble.”

inej gently helps push you up off of her lap and into a seated position.

kaz’s fingers are still intertwined with yours. that’s all your mind can seem to focus on.

“you never told me” his voice is soft.

“there’s nothing to be done for it.” you smile sadly. “you can’t force feelings that aren’t there. i didn’t want you to feel guilt for my death.”

“so instead you said nothing? you’re a fighter, but you won’t fight this?”

“kaz, really. i can’t change my feelings. and if i had a heartrender take away my ability to feel anything at all, i’m of no use to the crew. how’s a grisha healer meant to heal with no feelings of what’s wrong in their patients? i’ll have nothing, either way. i won’t feel anything and i can’t be numb that way i can’t. i would feel like a ghost, here but not.”

“i’m- i can’t-“

“kaz please. it’s okay.” you give his hand a gentle squeeze.

“i can’t be there for you the way you need me to.” he won’t meet your eyes.

“you don’t have to, kaz. your friendship has been gift enough. this job, being around you and inej and jesper. it’s so much more than i ever expected.”

you can feel more petals tickling your throat but try to ignore them.

“this is cruel, i- i don’t know i feel something. but obviously it isn’t enough because you’re dying right in front of me! all i know is i need you. i need you here with me as my right hand. and i need you here because jobs have never run smoother since adding you into our fold. and i know that if you disappear that hole you would leave behind would hurt jesper and inej. it would hurt me. i don’t know if that’s love, i don’t think i’ve felt love in a long time. maybe this could be it.” he holds up your interlaced hands, looking at them blankly. “i want you to be well. i want you to be my healer. i want you to be mine.”

“kaz.” he was vulnerable in this moment, so open to you in a way that he never was.

you’re tired, eyes needing to close again. “it is enough.” you mumble as you slip away into unconsciousness again.

kaz is shouting for someone, most likely inej and jesper, but you hardly hear it. you feel so warm, so tired.

you still feel kaz’s hand holding yours.

•••

part 2 of 2

Taglist:

@mindofasupernova @thecraziestcrayon @itsnotquimey @itskatetea @kaitlyn2907 @kykymyeon @lord-byron @amwitherspoon @euphoniumpets

#kaz brekker #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker imagine #kaz brekker fanfic #six of crows #six of crows imagine #shadow and bone imagine #shadow and bone